WEBVTT

﻿1
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Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

2
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<i>There is
a right way to be single.</i>

3
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Hey. How are you?

4
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Hi.

5
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Oh, when's your wedding?

6
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Eighteen months after
I meet the right guy.

7
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Okay.

8
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<i>And a wrong way
to be single.</i>

9
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<i>And then there's this guy.</i>

10
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Good morning.

11
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<i>Hi. You want a hand with that?</i>

12
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<i>We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,</i>

13
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<i>and try to pretend
that we're not.</i>

14
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We need you
in Exam Room 3.

15
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<i>We're supposed
to act all cheerful</i>

16
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<i>and happy about it.</i>

17
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What?

18
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<i>But why should we
be embarrassed?</i>

19
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<i>We're living longer,
marrying later,</i>

20
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<i>and refusing
to leave the party</i>

21
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<i>before we're really,
really done.</i>

22
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<i>So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?</i>

23
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Where's home?

24
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Oh, I'm not going home.

25
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No way.

26
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Shit.

27
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- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

28
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Here, here.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...

29
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I gotcha. Here you go.

30
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I did not think this through.

31
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I'm Josh.

32
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I'm Alice.

33
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<i>But this story
isn't about relationships.</i>

34
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<i>It's about all those
times in between</i>

35
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<i>when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.</i>

36
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This isn't a break-up. Okay?

37
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We're just taking
some time apart.

38
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It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.

39
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Bullshit!

40
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Josh, I've never
been on my own.

41
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I went from living
with my parents,

42
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to living in a dorm,
to living with you.

43
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But we're happy, Alice.

44
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Are we? Yeah.

45
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Or are we just boring?

46
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I'm not boring.
I'm fucking fun.

47
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I say I'm gonna
do things all the time,

48
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and I never, ever do them.

49
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Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class

50
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or I'm gonna hike
the Grand Canyon,

51
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and I never, ever do it.

52
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That's not my fault.

53
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You said the boots
made your feet hurt.

54
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Look, if we really want
this to work long term,

55
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I need to know who I am alone

56
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and I don't want to spend my
life wondering "What if?"

57
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This is stupid.

58
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The minute you walk out of here

59
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you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you

60
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and how great I am

61
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and how much you need me,

62
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and you're gonna
start stalking me.

63
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And that's sad.

64
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This is gonna be
great for both of us.

65
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Yeah.

66
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We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.

67
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Can't you just fuck
one of my friends?

68
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Just do something
to make me hate you.

69
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This is gonna be
the right thing.

70
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Oh, God.

71
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I'm gonna miss your boobs.

72
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

73
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Does this make it work?

74
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Yes! Yes.

75
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There, good. Good.

76
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No. No, no.

77
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Yes. Yes. Okay.

78
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Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

79
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<i>Whoa! Whoa!</i>

80
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Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

81
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What the hell
are you doing here?

82
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I'm cooking you breakfast!

83
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No, okay. I don't do breakfast.

84
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Right? You need to get out!

85
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You're in my apartment!

86
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Put the...

87
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This is not my apartment.

88
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Fuck. Sorry.

89
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I might be a little drunk.

90
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Oh.

91
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I might actually wipe
my fingerprints off that.

92
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You were great last night.

93
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Was I?
I can't remember.

94
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Okay, let's go to
your happy place.

95
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What if I poop?

96
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I won't even notice. Oh, God.

97
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It's totally natural.

98
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Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?

99
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How many babies have you had?

100
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Well, I've delivered
about 3,000 of them.

101
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Didn't you want one?

102
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You know what?

103
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I just felt like society

104
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doesn't let you
pursue your dreams

105
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once you have children.

106
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And I didn't feel like

107
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I wanted to give up my identity

108
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to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.

109
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Plus, your body falls to shit,

110
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and you have
no time to exercise

111
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and forget about sleep for
the rest of your life, right?

112
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Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!

113
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No, I can't.
My body went to shit.

114
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My body went to shit. It did.

115
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And my vagina's
so loose, already!

116
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Let's push! Okay.

117
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Yay!

118
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Is that poop or a baby?

119
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It's not a baby.

120
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Robin? This is Alice,
our new paralegal.

121
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Will you give her
the tour, please?

122
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Yes, of course.

123
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Thank you.

124
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Hi, I'm Alice.

125
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Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

126
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Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hands
are a little bit creamy.

127
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Okay. All right.

128
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Welcome to the law firm
of some guy,

129
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some other guy,
and some Jewish guy.

130
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Just kidding.
They're all Jewish.

131
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I'm really excited to be here.

132
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This was actually
one of my top choices.

133
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That closet there,
is really good

134
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for making personal calls.

135
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But whatever you do, do not
hook up in this copy room.

136
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<i>One, it's just,
like, so cliche.</i>

137
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<i>And two, there's
a security camera.</i>

138
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<i>Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now</i>

139
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<i>because recently, I actually...</i>

140
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<i>Uh, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.</i>

141
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<i>They do record the footage.</i>

142
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So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,

143
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I'd recommend
hooking up in the...

144
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<i>You'll never know our secrets.</i>

145
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<i>You'll never know!</i>

146
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Whoo!

147
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Excuse me.
That's none of your business.

148
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You're kind of making it
my business, here.

149
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Look, I just moved in
upstairs and my Wi-Fi sucks.

150
00:08:29.607 --> 00:08:31.473
So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole

151
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stumble out of here
at 5:00 a.m.,

152
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I'm at least gonna use
your free Internet.

153
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Wow. Okay, hi. Um...

154
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I'm Tom. And... Hi.

155
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If you're gonna be
using my free Wi-Fi,

156
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at least you can do me a favor

157
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and not write shit like,

158
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"I want to wake up
with my best friend."

159
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Unless you want
my dick to fall off.

160
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And then maybe we could
become best friends,

161
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and that'd be awesome.

162
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Look, I spent half of last
year creating an algorithm

163
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that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates

164
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and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.

165
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So, I know
what I'm looking for.

166
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Yeah, that's not weird at all.

167
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What are you
really doing online?

168
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I mean, you're a pretty girl.

169
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This is New York City.

170
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There's like a billion
people outside that door.

171
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Yeah, but how many
eligible people?

172
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Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.

173
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Sounds like a lot, right?

174
00:09:15.643 --> 00:09:16.675
It does.

175
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But, half of them are women.

176
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And as hard as
I tried in college,

177
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I don't swing that way.

178
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How hard did you try?
Let it go.

179
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Okay.

180
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So, four million men.

181
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And then you got to
have some age limits.

182
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Let's say over 20.
Gotta keep it legal.

183
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Under 40. Keep it sexy.

184
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Now, it's a million.

185
00:09:32.289 --> 00:09:35.690
Right. We're talking
about a million guys.

186
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But half of them are married.

187
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10 percent are gay.

188
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I want someone
college educated.

189
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Not too ugly.

190
00:09:44.599 --> 00:09:45.764
So...

191
00:09:45.766 --> 00:09:47.031
There's your boyfriend.

192
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I wish.

193
00:09:48.768 --> 00:09:51.435
He's got to be
taller than me...

194
00:09:53.439 --> 00:09:55.705
And he's got to want kids.

195
00:09:55.707 --> 00:09:57.506
So, yeah, I'm on 10 different

196
00:09:57.508 --> 00:09:59.307
dating websites to
increase my odds.

197
00:09:59.309 --> 00:10:00.808
So, what do you say?

198
00:10:00.810 --> 00:10:02.476
You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room

199
00:10:02.478 --> 00:10:05.318
and I won't call the cops every
night with a noise complaint.

200
00:10:06.181 --> 00:10:09.048
Okay. Very cute.
These are the women?

201
00:10:09.050 --> 00:10:10.082
Hmm.

202
00:10:10.084 --> 00:10:11.149
Thanks.

203
00:10:12.118 --> 00:10:14.118
Mmm. Mmm.

204
00:10:14.120 --> 00:10:15.552
See you around.

205
00:10:15.554 --> 00:10:16.853
Stupid.

206
00:10:16.855 --> 00:10:18.054
Um, have a nice night.

207
00:10:18.056 --> 00:10:20.456
Wait. What?
Where are you going?

208
00:10:20.458 --> 00:10:21.657
I'm going home.

209
00:10:21.659 --> 00:10:22.991
What?

210
00:10:22.993 --> 00:10:24.859
I never want to
hear you say that again.

211
00:10:24.861 --> 00:10:25.926
Ugh!

212
00:10:25.928 --> 00:10:29.596
You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!

213
00:10:29.598 --> 00:10:30.863
You shouldn't even have a home.

214
00:10:30.865 --> 00:10:32.397
You should just
have 500 square feet

215
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:34.465
where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.

216
00:10:34.467 --> 00:10:37.534
Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.

217
00:10:37.536 --> 00:10:39.202
We're just on a break.

218
00:10:39.204 --> 00:10:41.871
Uh, there's no such thing as
a "break," Season-3 Ross.

219
00:10:41.873 --> 00:10:43.339
No, we really are on a break.

220
00:10:43.341 --> 00:10:44.973
We're just taking
a little bit of time apart

221
00:10:44.975 --> 00:10:47.275
to make sure we really
want to be together.

222
00:10:47.277 --> 00:10:49.844
Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?

223
00:10:49.846 --> 00:10:51.946
No.
Why didn't you say anything?

224
00:10:51.948 --> 00:10:53.714
I could've made you
take a half-day!

225
00:10:53.716 --> 00:10:54.781
It was my first day at work.

226
00:10:54.783 --> 00:10:56.082
Rumspringa!

227
00:10:56.084 --> 00:10:58.284
What? No! Where
are we going?

228
00:10:58.286 --> 00:11:00.653
Ask me for a rum and Coke
if you think you're gonna die.

229
00:11:00.655 --> 00:11:02.388
Get out of here!

230
00:11:02.390 --> 00:11:03.822
Uh,

231
00:11:03.824 --> 00:11:06.758
you said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.

232
00:11:06.760 --> 00:11:08.159
You know, please.

233
00:11:08.161 --> 00:11:11.428
No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.

234
00:11:11.430 --> 00:11:13.630
Cross off some things
on the bucket list.

235
00:11:13.632 --> 00:11:16.466
So, what is on
your bucket list?

236
00:11:16.468 --> 00:11:17.500
Usual stuff.

237
00:11:17.502 --> 00:11:18.868
Uh, Wrigley Fields. Mmm.

238
00:11:18.870 --> 00:11:20.436
Dolphin Trainer. Oh, boy.

239
00:11:20.438 --> 00:11:22.704
Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

240
00:11:22.706 --> 00:11:24.005
Loved, since forever.

241
00:11:24.007 --> 00:11:25.306
Wow, no, no, you know,
because the normal ones

242
00:11:25.308 --> 00:11:27.374
are already checked off,
you know?

243
00:11:27.376 --> 00:11:29.542
Mmm-hmm. Hot Carl.

244
00:11:29.544 --> 00:11:30.743
Dirty Sanchez. Yeah, that's...

245
00:11:30.745 --> 00:11:32.311
Golden Shower. That one, Oh.

246
00:11:32.313 --> 00:11:34.513
I actually checked off
by accident.

247
00:11:34.515 --> 00:11:35.780
Thank you, prom.

248
00:11:35.782 --> 00:11:39.483
So, these aren't career
goals or life goals.

249
00:11:39.485 --> 00:11:42.018
These are more sexual things.

250
00:11:42.020 --> 00:11:43.753
Have you ever heard
of the Whack-a-Mole?

251
00:11:43.755 --> 00:11:44.887
Rum and Coke.

252
00:11:44.889 --> 00:11:46.622
Rum and Coke? Really?

253
00:11:46.624 --> 00:11:47.990
I didn't think you'd want to do

254
00:11:47.992 --> 00:11:49.524
a Rum and Coke with
me on our first date.

255
00:11:49.526 --> 00:11:51.259
Um, rum and Coke?
I got to find a live hamster.

256
00:11:51.261 --> 00:11:52.693
So, I guess I could
trap a street rat.

257
00:11:52.695 --> 00:11:54.027
I mean, we are in New York.

258
00:11:54.029 --> 00:11:55.795
Rum and Coke!
I got to go shave my legs.

259
00:11:55.797 --> 00:11:57.163
Drink more water.

260
00:11:57.165 --> 00:11:58.397
Oh. Okay.

261
00:11:58.399 --> 00:11:59.464
Yo.

262
00:12:00.459 --> 00:12:01.699
Go lock yourself in my office.

263
00:12:01.701 --> 00:12:02.933
Thank you.

264
00:12:04.369 --> 00:12:06.335
Here we go.

265
00:12:06.337 --> 00:12:09.771
Let me teach you
how to be single.

266
00:12:09.773 --> 00:12:13.140
Okay, lesson one.
Go get us some drinks.

267
00:12:13.142 --> 00:12:14.774
Okay.

268
00:12:14.776 --> 00:12:16.442
No. That was a trick.

269
00:12:16.444 --> 00:12:19.244
You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.

270
00:12:19.246 --> 00:12:22.614
It's kind of like a sexual
currency that they use,

271
00:12:22.616 --> 00:12:25.583
so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.

272
00:12:25.585 --> 00:12:27.251
So, go get us a drink.

273
00:12:27.253 --> 00:12:28.118
Okay.

274
00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:29.619
Not... Not with this wallet.

275
00:12:29.621 --> 00:12:31.253
Okay. With the sausage wallet.

276
00:12:31.255 --> 00:12:32.587
Which of you is
buying oil right now?

277
00:12:32.589 --> 00:12:33.788
Do you know how much...

278
00:12:33.790 --> 00:12:35.689
Hey, what's up, y'all?

279
00:12:35.691 --> 00:12:37.357
I don't know why
I just said "y'all."

280
00:12:37.359 --> 00:12:40.326
"You all" would have
taken just as much time.

281
00:12:40.328 --> 00:12:41.827
And I'm not even
from the South,

282
00:12:41.829 --> 00:12:43.762
I'm from Portland.

283
00:12:43.764 --> 00:12:47.065
Which is southern from Canada.

284
00:12:47.067 --> 00:12:48.332
Are y'all Canadian?

285
00:12:48.334 --> 00:12:50.734
I just did it again,
I said it again.

286
00:12:50.736 --> 00:12:52.368
My system should have
weeded him out.

287
00:12:52.370 --> 00:12:54.403
You probably read
your data wrong.

288
00:12:54.405 --> 00:12:56.705
I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.

289
00:12:56.707 --> 00:12:58.006
You just didn't
want to hear it.

290
00:12:58.008 --> 00:12:59.707
I tell the truth
to girls all the time.

291
00:12:59.709 --> 00:13:01.308
They hear what
they want to hear.

292
00:13:01.310 --> 00:13:02.976
That sounds like
a load of crap.

293
00:13:04.446 --> 00:13:07.079
I'm not kidding. Watch this.

294
00:13:07.081 --> 00:13:08.447
Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

295
00:13:08.449 --> 00:13:10.081
Hi.

296
00:13:10.083 --> 00:13:12.550
Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?

297
00:13:12.552 --> 00:13:14.985
Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,

298
00:13:14.987 --> 00:13:16.853
so I think I'm gonna
start seeing other people

299
00:13:16.855 --> 00:13:18.487
and I think you
should move on, too.

300
00:13:18.489 --> 00:13:21.089
Because I care about you,

301
00:13:21.091 --> 00:13:23.091
and I don't want
to see you get hurt.

302
00:13:23.093 --> 00:13:26.126
Oh, I care about you, too.

303
00:13:26.595 --> 00:13:28.161
Yeah. Hmm.

304
00:13:31.666 --> 00:13:32.965
Wow.

305
00:13:32.967 --> 00:13:36.033
You guys are super
dressed-up. Funeral?

306
00:13:36.702 --> 00:13:38.001
Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

307
00:13:38.003 --> 00:13:39.435
That was a really bad idea.

308
00:13:39.437 --> 00:13:41.670
This is stupid. I should
probably just go home.

309
00:13:41.672 --> 00:13:42.771
It's better.
No, are you kidding?

310
00:13:42.773 --> 00:13:44.239
You have a small window

311
00:13:44.241 --> 00:13:46.307
in which to bang your way
through New York City.

312
00:13:46.309 --> 00:13:49.443
No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.

313
00:13:49.445 --> 00:13:51.745
I'm trying to
figure out who I am.

314
00:13:51.747 --> 00:13:53.747
Then why don't you take this,

315
00:13:53.749 --> 00:13:56.516
go home and
stare at your beave?

316
00:13:56.518 --> 00:13:58.885
Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?

317
00:13:58.887 --> 00:14:00.887
Um... I know.

318
00:14:00.889 --> 00:14:02.688
I would like to see your tongue

319
00:14:02.690 --> 00:14:03.822
in that bartender's face.

320
00:14:03.824 --> 00:14:05.123
<i>What?</i>

321
00:14:05.125 --> 00:14:06.657
<i>Don't worry,
I know him.</i>

322
00:14:06.659 --> 00:14:08.225
He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.

323
00:14:08.227 --> 00:14:09.359
That guy?

324
00:14:09.361 --> 00:14:11.094
Yeah. I've heard
he's really good in bed.

325
00:14:11.096 --> 00:14:13.763
From myself, because
I might have slept with him.

326
00:14:13.765 --> 00:14:14.997
I can't really remember.

327
00:14:14.999 --> 00:14:16.498
Maybe, uh... It was winter.

328
00:14:16.500 --> 00:14:19.234
Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.

329
00:14:19.236 --> 00:14:20.301
What?

330
00:14:20.303 --> 00:14:21.669
Hey, Tom.

331
00:14:21.671 --> 00:14:23.303
This is Alice.

332
00:14:23.305 --> 00:14:25.785
She's newly single and needs to
hook up with a random stranger.

333
00:14:26.307 --> 00:14:27.639
Let me buy you a drink.
Here you go.

334
00:14:27.641 --> 00:14:29.361
Thanks. Uh, thanks.

335
00:14:30.043 --> 00:14:31.776
Let me buy you a drink.

336
00:14:32.912 --> 00:14:34.311
Welcome to the party.

337
00:14:35.247 --> 00:14:36.312
Umm, cheers.

338
00:14:38.816 --> 00:14:41.349
Whoo!

339
00:14:41.351 --> 00:14:43.184
Come on! Yeah! Ha!

340
00:14:53.762 --> 00:14:55.161
Hi! Yeah!

341
00:14:58.732 --> 00:15:00.012
Hey. Hi.

342
00:15:15.381 --> 00:15:17.914
Whoa! Whoa!

343
00:15:17.916 --> 00:15:19.982
She just hit you in the face!

344
00:15:20.918 --> 00:15:23.119
Oh! Rumspringa!

345
00:15:35.197 --> 00:15:36.596
<i>Morning, sunshine.</i>

346
00:15:36.598 --> 00:15:37.662
No.

347
00:15:40.233 --> 00:15:43.667
No, Meg! Ow!

348
00:15:43.669 --> 00:15:45.168
Oh, my God.

349
00:15:45.170 --> 00:15:47.436
Wakey-wakey.

350
00:15:49.825 --> 00:15:51.505
A doctor?

351
00:15:51.507 --> 00:15:54.407
Did I have sex with
a doctor? Did we have sex?

352
00:15:54.654 --> 00:15:56.174
No. No?

353
00:15:56.176 --> 00:15:58.109
No, we didn't have sex.

354
00:15:58.111 --> 00:15:59.176
I didn't sleep with anybody?

355
00:15:59.178 --> 00:16:01.111
No, I don't think so.

356
00:16:01.113 --> 00:16:02.579
Why does it smell
like weed in here?

357
00:16:02.581 --> 00:16:03.513
You have a little...

358
00:16:03.515 --> 00:16:06.549
What? It's in your hair now.

359
00:16:06.551 --> 00:16:09.218
It's just right...

360
00:16:09.220 --> 00:16:10.419
What? It...

361
00:16:10.421 --> 00:16:12.788
No, I just have long eyelashes.

362
00:16:12.790 --> 00:16:15.624
It's a...
You have a joint clinging...

363
00:16:15.626 --> 00:16:17.225
Oh.

364
00:16:17.227 --> 00:16:19.226
Yay! Free coffee!

365
00:16:21.678 --> 00:16:24.998
Uh, take two Tylenol, and
make yourself some breakfast.

366
00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:26.332
<i>I love you.</i>

367
00:16:26.334 --> 00:16:29.134
Love, love you.

368
00:16:29.136 --> 00:16:32.470
Your roommate
seems pretty cool.

369
00:16:33.606 --> 00:16:36.139
Oh, she's my sister.

370
00:16:36.141 --> 00:16:38.007
Really? Mmm-hmm.

371
00:16:38.009 --> 00:16:40.889
Uh, then I think I might have
pissed in your sister's litter box.

372
00:16:42.312 --> 00:16:43.411
That's a Zen garden.

373
00:16:43.413 --> 00:16:45.212
The cat has a Zen garden?

374
00:16:45.214 --> 00:16:46.574
There's no cat.

375
00:16:47.148 --> 00:16:48.380
Where am I?

376
00:16:48.382 --> 00:16:50.415
I knew I had sex
in this apartment!

377
00:16:50.417 --> 00:16:52.884
Oh, yeah. What's up?

378
00:16:52.886 --> 00:16:55.219
Okay, where are we?

379
00:16:55.221 --> 00:16:58.288
Um, Broadway and 77th. Um...

380
00:16:58.290 --> 00:17:00.023
We have to be
at work in 30 minutes,

381
00:17:00.025 --> 00:17:01.224
so we should
probably go this way.

382
00:17:01.226 --> 00:17:03.159
It's okay, I can do this in 20.

383
00:17:03.161 --> 00:17:04.393
Wait, do what? Let's go.

384
00:17:04.395 --> 00:17:06.315
Wait, do what? Time me!

385
00:17:08.764 --> 00:17:10.096
Step one.

386
00:17:10.098 --> 00:17:12.031
That stuff is for babies.

387
00:17:12.033 --> 00:17:14.133
Babies with hangovers.

388
00:17:20.004 --> 00:17:22.436
Baba, are we good?

389
00:17:23.806 --> 00:17:25.672
Payment accepted. Let's go.

390
00:17:49.793 --> 00:17:51.025
Hi!

391
00:17:51.027 --> 00:17:52.493
Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

392
00:17:52.495 --> 00:17:54.261
in buying a lot of
your products, but first,

393
00:17:54.263 --> 00:17:57.063
I need you to put
all of them on my face,

394
00:17:57.065 --> 00:17:59.832
in a very nice way, for free.

395
00:17:59.834 --> 00:18:02.601
I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."

396
00:18:02.603 --> 00:18:03.803
Okay.

397
00:18:06.172 --> 00:18:07.905
Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

398
00:18:09.041 --> 00:18:11.741
Here. Come on. Gimme.

399
00:18:23.219 --> 00:18:24.484
Nailed it.

400
00:18:24.486 --> 00:18:26.352
You're three-and-a-half
hours late.

401
00:18:26.354 --> 00:18:28.620
Yay! Lunchtime!

402
00:18:30.048 --> 00:18:31.889
And don't worry
about the weight.

403
00:18:31.891 --> 00:18:33.824
It should come off after
you stop nursing the infant.

404
00:18:33.826 --> 00:18:35.725
"Katie." That's her name.

405
00:18:35.727 --> 00:18:36.792
Oh, okay.

406
00:18:36.794 --> 00:18:38.426
Oh, no. I have to pee.

407
00:18:38.428 --> 00:18:40.227
It just falls out
of me these days.

408
00:18:40.229 --> 00:18:41.328
Can you hold...
No, no, no, no, no.

409
00:18:41.330 --> 00:18:43.530
I'm not good with babies.

410
00:18:44.466 --> 00:18:47.633
Hello. How are you today?

411
00:18:47.635 --> 00:18:51.103
Your mom should be
coming back soon.

412
00:18:51.105 --> 00:18:53.771
Is, um, "Katie"
short for "Katherine"?

413
00:18:55.207 --> 00:18:57.207
See, some women would look at

414
00:18:57.209 --> 00:19:00.143
what you just did and
think that you smiled.

415
00:19:00.145 --> 00:19:01.611
But, because I'm a doctor,

416
00:19:01.613 --> 00:19:03.613
I know that that was probably

417
00:19:03.615 --> 00:19:06.615
just an involuntary
tic, or gas.

418
00:19:08.118 --> 00:19:09.317
You know what?

419
00:19:09.319 --> 00:19:11.252
You're not that cute,

420
00:19:11.254 --> 00:19:13.387
and I am not falling for it.

421
00:19:13.389 --> 00:19:16.889
So, you just keep trying,
but it is "no."

422
00:19:20.094 --> 00:19:21.526
Shut up, baby.

423
00:19:21.528 --> 00:19:23.294
And, you know what?
Don't touch that,

424
00:19:23.296 --> 00:19:25.095
because that's
not very sanitary.

425
00:19:25.097 --> 00:19:26.563
Yeah.

426
00:19:26.565 --> 00:19:29.666
Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes

427
00:19:29.668 --> 00:19:33.202
that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.

428
00:19:34.305 --> 00:19:36.204
So, you eat your shoe.

429
00:19:39.708 --> 00:19:42.942
You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.

430
00:19:42.944 --> 00:19:45.277
Why do you put
everything in your mouth?

431
00:19:45.279 --> 00:19:48.747
Hello. Hi.

432
00:19:59.959 --> 00:20:01.291
<i>And so we're clear,</i>

433
00:20:01.293 --> 00:20:02.925
there are a lot of people
in this world

434
00:20:02.927 --> 00:20:05.427
who need things
like you in their lives,

435
00:20:05.429 --> 00:20:07.061
to feel complete.

436
00:20:07.063 --> 00:20:11.765
I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.

437
00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:27.479
Fine. You win.

438
00:20:39.004 --> 00:20:41.524
If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,

439
00:20:41.526 --> 00:20:43.292
wait four hours to respond.

440
00:20:43.294 --> 00:20:45.460
I was not even
thinking about Tom.

441
00:20:45.462 --> 00:20:46.727
Anything sooner implies that

442
00:20:46.729 --> 00:20:48.195
you're needy and
really co-dependent

443
00:20:48.197 --> 00:20:49.262
and incapable of
a simple hookup,

444
00:20:49.264 --> 00:20:50.730
which is all he's good for.

445
00:20:50.732 --> 00:20:52.598
I think that I could
actually be, like, a good...

446
00:20:52.600 --> 00:20:54.333
And, when you respond, do not
respond in full sentences.

447
00:20:54.335 --> 00:20:55.901
Okay.

448
00:20:55.903 --> 00:20:57.702
And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.

449
00:20:57.704 --> 00:20:58.869
Fine.

450
00:20:58.871 --> 00:20:59.936
Fine.

451
00:21:11.214 --> 00:21:13.013
No! No! Oh, no.

452
00:21:13.015 --> 00:21:15.215
You can have this back
at the end of the day.

453
00:21:15.217 --> 00:21:16.349
Fine.

454
00:21:16.351 --> 00:21:17.616
An emoji?

455
00:21:17.618 --> 00:21:21.318
Oh! Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

456
00:21:23.755 --> 00:21:25.654
This is so dumb. Okay.

457
00:21:25.656 --> 00:21:27.589
It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.

458
00:21:27.591 --> 00:21:28.823
Sure.

459
00:21:28.825 --> 00:21:30.591
And I'm not gonna be
one of those cliched girls

460
00:21:30.593 --> 00:21:31.625
who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.

461
00:21:31.627 --> 00:21:32.792
No, you can't. No.

462
00:21:41.368 --> 00:21:42.834
I'm telling you.

463
00:21:42.836 --> 00:21:45.703
Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.

464
00:21:45.705 --> 00:21:47.805
Think about it, the whole
love thing, the whole,

465
00:21:47.807 --> 00:21:50.207
"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."

466
00:21:50.209 --> 00:21:51.542
It's nice when a guy notices

467
00:21:51.544 --> 00:21:53.577
when you're cold.
It means he's...

468
00:21:53.579 --> 00:21:56.646
It means he's faking it, because he
knows that's what you want to hear.

469
00:21:56.648 --> 00:21:58.481
So, instead of being
a psycho who pretends

470
00:21:58.483 --> 00:21:59.883
that I give a shit
if you're cold,

471
00:21:59.884 --> 00:22:01.817
I tell everyone the same thing.

472
00:22:01.819 --> 00:22:04.619
"If you're looking for
the one, that's not me.

473
00:22:04.621 --> 00:22:05.987
"If you're looking for the one"

474
00:22:05.989 --> 00:22:08.622
"to have a little fun with,
I'm that one."

475
00:22:09.057 --> 00:22:10.322
Oh.

476
00:22:10.324 --> 00:22:11.723
Yep.

477
00:22:11.725 --> 00:22:12.757
Whew!

478
00:22:12.759 --> 00:22:15.593
I've always been
in relationships.

479
00:22:15.595 --> 00:22:17.695
But, I guess that's just
because I actually

480
00:22:17.697 --> 00:22:19.830
don't really know
how to stay single.

481
00:22:19.832 --> 00:22:21.798
Then you came
to the right place.

482
00:22:21.800 --> 00:22:25.334
The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.

483
00:22:25.336 --> 00:22:26.501
That way, nobody gets hurt.

484
00:22:26.503 --> 00:22:27.902
Check this out.

485
00:22:27.904 --> 00:22:30.185
What do all these things
have in common? Go.

486
00:22:30.773 --> 00:22:33.106
Um, ketchup and beer.

487
00:22:33.108 --> 00:22:35.174
Pickles, chocolate sauce.

488
00:22:35.176 --> 00:22:36.508
Are you pregnant?

489
00:22:36.510 --> 00:22:38.843
No, they can't be used
to make breakfast.

490
00:22:38.845 --> 00:22:40.511
There's no reason to
stick around in the morning,

491
00:22:40.513 --> 00:22:41.778
because you can't
make an omelet.

492
00:22:41.780 --> 00:22:44.614
Plus, no water.
So, hungover chicks,

493
00:22:44.616 --> 00:22:46.382
you got to leave to survive.

494
00:22:46.384 --> 00:22:47.816
Except for that New York
water is delicious

495
00:22:47.818 --> 00:22:49.551
and you can just
drink it from the tap.

496
00:22:49.553 --> 00:22:52.086
Yeah. But, uh...

497
00:22:52.088 --> 00:22:55.455
From what glass?

498
00:22:55.457 --> 00:22:56.656
Wow.

499
00:22:56.658 --> 00:22:57.923
You're a piece of work.

500
00:22:57.925 --> 00:22:58.990
Mmm-hmm.

501
00:23:02.395 --> 00:23:03.961
Glass.

502
00:23:03.963 --> 00:23:06.997
Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...

503
00:23:09.960 --> 00:23:12.201
You had a plumber
cut your water?

504
00:23:12.203 --> 00:23:14.436
No. I did it myself.

505
00:23:14.438 --> 00:23:15.570
What if you need
to wash your hands?

506
00:23:15.572 --> 00:23:16.871
What am I, a surgeon?

507
00:23:16.873 --> 00:23:18.939
What if you get thirsty?

508
00:23:20.674 --> 00:23:22.875
Nice. Well done. Yeah, right?

509
00:23:22.877 --> 00:23:24.543
Totally thought it was
a nightstand, didn't you?

510
00:23:24.545 --> 00:23:25.977
You're a psycho.

511
00:23:25.979 --> 00:23:27.845
I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,

512
00:23:27.847 --> 00:23:29.379
they're just
not honest about it.

513
00:23:29.381 --> 00:23:33.683
I'm telling you, this is
what it's like out there.

514
00:23:33.685 --> 00:23:35.184
Why are you telling me this?

515
00:23:36.587 --> 00:23:37.852
I don't know.

516
00:23:37.854 --> 00:23:41.922
It's just, you're different.

517
00:23:45.861 --> 00:23:47.861
Oh, my God. That's the
thing you say to girls.

518
00:23:47.863 --> 00:23:49.229
Yes, it is.
Works, though, right?

519
00:23:49.231 --> 00:23:50.296
Completely.

520
00:23:50.298 --> 00:23:51.797
Anyway, end of the tour.

521
00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:54.766
And, um, this was fun.

522
00:23:58.604 --> 00:24:00.870
See you.

523
00:24:23.825 --> 00:24:25.758
Hi.

524
00:24:33.967 --> 00:24:35.566
Uh, mimosa?

525
00:24:35.568 --> 00:24:38.268
Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.

526
00:24:38.270 --> 00:24:39.902
So, I'm probably
not gonna start drinking

527
00:24:39.904 --> 00:24:41.770
at 8:30 on a Thursday.

528
00:24:41.772 --> 00:24:45.906
Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.

529
00:24:45.908 --> 00:24:47.741
Um, I got us
chocolate chip pancakes

530
00:24:47.743 --> 00:24:49.509
for the table, like we used to.

531
00:24:49.511 --> 00:24:52.979
Um, cool. I don't
have a lot of time, so...

532
00:24:52.981 --> 00:24:55.981
Okay, no, then
I'll just get right to it.

533
00:24:56.817 --> 00:25:00.117
I'm done. I'm,
I'm finally done.

534
00:25:01.653 --> 00:25:03.486
What? What are you done with?

535
00:25:03.488 --> 00:25:04.720
With our time apart.

536
00:25:04.722 --> 00:25:06.021
I know it's been
really difficult.

537
00:25:06.023 --> 00:25:07.689
It's been difficult
on both of us.

538
00:25:07.691 --> 00:25:11.392
But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.

539
00:25:11.394 --> 00:25:14.061
And I'll never have to
wonder about anything else.

540
00:25:15.130 --> 00:25:16.195
I'm seeing someone.

541
00:25:19.633 --> 00:25:22.066
That is... Congratulations.

542
00:25:23.502 --> 00:25:24.801
Um...

543
00:25:24.803 --> 00:25:26.969
So, then, so, Josh,
you want to just,

544
00:25:26.971 --> 00:25:29.137
like, tell me when
you're done, then?

545
00:25:29.139 --> 00:25:30.805
I don't know, Alice.

546
00:25:30.807 --> 00:25:33.541
Like, we can... We'll just
wait till you're done.

547
00:25:33.543 --> 00:25:34.942
Shit's different, I'm not...

548
00:25:34.944 --> 00:25:38.511
I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.

549
00:25:42.682 --> 00:25:45.282
You mean, like, me?

550
00:25:46.985 --> 00:25:49.818
I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.

551
00:25:51.721 --> 00:25:53.287
And I'm not an idiot.

552
00:25:53.289 --> 00:25:56.823
You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing,

553
00:25:56.825 --> 00:25:59.559
with whoever you've been doing,

554
00:25:59.561 --> 00:26:01.694
and you can come
running back to me?

555
00:26:01.696 --> 00:26:04.830
No, thanks. I'll pass.

556
00:26:07.701 --> 00:26:09.167
<i>Who ordered pancakes?</i>

557
00:26:11.504 --> 00:26:14.104
Meg, I'm not ready
to be alone. I'm not.

558
00:26:14.106 --> 00:26:15.972
I don't know how
to reset my router.

559
00:26:15.974 --> 00:26:17.440
I don't even know where it is.

560
00:26:17.442 --> 00:26:19.942
I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.

561
00:26:19.944 --> 00:26:21.944
I'm gonna be alone forever.

562
00:26:21.946 --> 00:26:23.111
At least
my dead body

563
00:26:23.113 --> 00:26:26.180
will serve as food for my cats.

564
00:26:26.182 --> 00:26:30.884
In the eight weeks that it takes for anybody
to find me, because nobody gives a fuck.

565
00:26:30.886 --> 00:26:33.119
Why are you
watching <i>Bridget Jones?</i>

566
00:26:33.121 --> 00:26:34.653
What did I tell you?

567
00:26:34.655 --> 00:26:35.887
It feels good in the moment.

568
00:26:35.889 --> 00:26:38.723
I know, but it's a bad idea.

569
00:26:38.725 --> 00:26:40.424
You get yourself all hopped up

570
00:26:40.426 --> 00:26:42.692
on <i>Sex and the City</i>
and <i>Bridget Jones</i>

571
00:26:42.694 --> 00:26:46.128
and thinking that you need to
have some big single experience.

572
00:26:46.130 --> 00:26:48.163
Which, by the way,
is total bullshit.

573
00:26:48.165 --> 00:26:51.932
No. All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.

574
00:26:51.934 --> 00:26:53.400
And this is a great thing,

575
00:26:53.402 --> 00:26:55.168
because now you can
focus on your career.

576
00:26:55.170 --> 00:26:57.737
What? No! I put myself
out, into the world,

577
00:26:57.739 --> 00:26:59.705
and it completely rejected me.

578
00:26:59.707 --> 00:27:01.139
Whoa!

579
00:27:01.141 --> 00:27:04.208
Okay, you haven't been
single for that long!

580
00:27:04.210 --> 00:27:05.209
Yeah.

581
00:27:05.211 --> 00:27:06.710
You got to go around the board,

582
00:27:06.712 --> 00:27:08.745
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.

583
00:27:08.747 --> 00:27:10.079
And you remember

584
00:27:10.081 --> 00:27:12.081
the best thing that
ever happened to me

585
00:27:12.083 --> 00:27:14.049
was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.

586
00:27:14.051 --> 00:27:15.984
Please don't tell
the medical school story.

587
00:27:15.986 --> 00:27:17.852
And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,

588
00:27:17.854 --> 00:27:20.154
cheated on me
with my lab partner,

589
00:27:20.156 --> 00:27:23.957
because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.

590
00:27:23.959 --> 00:27:25.358
Did it involve midgets?

591
00:27:26.361 --> 00:27:27.426
No.

592
00:27:28.762 --> 00:27:30.862
I once slept with an albino.

593
00:27:30.864 --> 00:27:33.898
Anyway, the good news is,
now there are.

594
00:27:33.900 --> 00:27:35.699
3,000 beautiful
babies in the world

595
00:27:35.701 --> 00:27:36.966
and no one can
take that away...

596
00:27:36.968 --> 00:27:38.434
from me... From her.

597
00:27:38.436 --> 00:27:40.269
Why don't you go to
one of those alumni events?

598
00:27:40.271 --> 00:27:41.203
An alumni event?

599
00:27:41.205 --> 00:27:43.905
You go, and you
network with people

600
00:27:43.907 --> 00:27:47.008
and if you really
love what you do

601
00:27:47.010 --> 00:27:50.044
then the whole
"guy" thing is easier.

602
00:27:50.046 --> 00:27:52.413
No! I don't want to
be like you, Meg.

603
00:27:52.415 --> 00:27:55.282
I don't want my job
to be my entire life.

604
00:27:55.284 --> 00:27:56.383
Ooh.

605
00:27:56.385 --> 00:27:59.419
Okay. Sisters, time-out.

606
00:27:59.421 --> 00:28:03.256
There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?

607
00:28:03.258 --> 00:28:05.925
Pros. Young, beautiful.

608
00:28:05.927 --> 00:28:08.928
Pros. Also beautiful,
for your age.

609
00:28:08.930 --> 00:28:11.397
Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

610
00:28:11.399 --> 00:28:13.132
Cons. No access to pills.

611
00:28:13.134 --> 00:28:15.400
Cons. You're really
stingy with the pills.

612
00:28:15.402 --> 00:28:16.634
Right.

613
00:28:16.636 --> 00:28:17.968
Pros. Loves me unconditionally.

614
00:28:17.970 --> 00:28:19.903
Gives me the spare key
to the apartment.

615
00:28:19.905 --> 00:28:21.371
Has a very nice
underwear drawer.

616
00:28:21.373 --> 00:28:22.805
Very neat and organized.

617
00:28:22.807 --> 00:28:24.072
You have a key to my apartment?

618
00:28:24.074 --> 00:28:26.874
Cons. Asks too many
personal questions.

619
00:28:26.876 --> 00:28:29.676
Okay. I'm gonna
take my old, lonely,

620
00:28:29.678 --> 00:28:32.144
workaholic ass
back to the hospital.

621
00:28:35.048 --> 00:28:37.848
Cons. Ugly when sad.

622
00:28:45.223 --> 00:28:48.157
Hey, uh, did you bring
a sandwich from home?

623
00:28:48.159 --> 00:28:49.191
Mmm.

624
00:28:49.193 --> 00:28:51.426
Are you wearing
pajamas in a bar?

625
00:28:51.428 --> 00:28:52.393
They're sweatpants.

626
00:28:52.395 --> 00:28:54.261
I think you're bumming
some people out.

627
00:28:54.263 --> 00:28:55.929
You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.

628
00:28:55.931 --> 00:28:57.063
Leave me alone.

629
00:28:57.065 --> 00:29:00.099
I love this bar.

630
00:29:00.101 --> 00:29:02.382
Lucy?

631
00:29:03.003 --> 00:29:04.302
Lucy?

632
00:29:04.304 --> 00:29:05.369
Hi!

633
00:29:05.938 --> 00:29:07.437
Oh, my God!

634
00:29:07.439 --> 00:29:09.105
Brittany! Hi!

635
00:29:09.107 --> 00:29:10.840
How are you? How are you?

636
00:29:10.842 --> 00:29:12.074
I'm getting married!

637
00:29:12.076 --> 00:29:13.842
She's getting married!

638
00:29:13.844 --> 00:29:15.210
That is just the best news

639
00:29:15.212 --> 00:29:17.111
I've ever heard
in my entire life!

640
00:29:17.113 --> 00:29:18.545
Oh, yay!

641
00:29:18.547 --> 00:29:19.946
How old are your kids?

642
00:29:19.948 --> 00:29:21.714
No.

643
00:29:21.716 --> 00:29:25.584
I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.

644
00:29:25.586 --> 00:29:27.085
But not in, like, a sad way.

645
00:29:27.087 --> 00:29:29.587
It's more like
a volunteer thing?

646
00:29:29.589 --> 00:29:30.988
Oh. Oh.

647
00:29:30.990 --> 00:29:32.556
Yeah. Yeah.

648
00:29:32.558 --> 00:29:33.990
So, are you married?

649
00:29:33.992 --> 00:29:35.524
No. No.

650
00:29:35.526 --> 00:29:36.591
Dating anyone?

651
00:29:36.593 --> 00:29:37.992
Uh, afraid not.

652
00:29:37.994 --> 00:29:39.326
Are you divorced?

653
00:29:39.328 --> 00:29:41.194
No, no one's
ever loved me enough

654
00:29:41.196 --> 00:29:42.261
to eventually divorce me.

655
00:29:43.831 --> 00:29:46.164
You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...

656
00:29:46.166 --> 00:29:49.467
I'm not even a good loser, yet.

657
00:29:50.403 --> 00:29:52.236
Oh, my God,
are those penis straws?

658
00:29:52.238 --> 00:29:54.638
You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!

659
00:29:54.640 --> 00:29:55.705
Hi.

660
00:29:56.474 --> 00:29:57.539
Oh.

661
00:30:04.446 --> 00:30:05.578
Hey, baby.

662
00:30:06.981 --> 00:30:08.280
This is, um...

663
00:30:08.282 --> 00:30:10.015
It's all right, you can say it.

664
00:30:10.017 --> 00:30:11.649
Miss Independent
right here, right?

665
00:30:11.651 --> 00:30:12.883
I'm her boyfriend.

666
00:30:12.885 --> 00:30:14.618
Oh! He's your boyfriend.

667
00:30:14.620 --> 00:30:16.186
This is my boyfriend.

668
00:30:16.188 --> 00:30:18.621
God, doesn't she look smoking
hot in these sweatpants?

669
00:30:18.623 --> 00:30:20.689
Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

670
00:30:20.691 --> 00:30:23.024
This is Brittany. She's
getting married, obviously.

671
00:30:23.026 --> 00:30:25.159
Oh, you're the one
getting married. Marriage!

672
00:30:26.662 --> 00:30:28.862
The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself

673
00:30:28.864 --> 00:30:31.664
and buying whatever you want without
having to ask permission, right?

674
00:30:33.033 --> 00:30:34.565
Marriage!

675
00:30:34.567 --> 00:30:37.633
Congratulations, good luck
with it. I hope it lasts.

676
00:30:38.235 --> 00:30:40.535
Sorry. No filter.

677
00:31:02.189 --> 00:31:04.956
Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.

678
00:31:04.958 --> 00:31:07.391
Oh, my God.
No, no, that was awesome!

679
00:31:07.393 --> 00:31:10.594
Thank you so much! Good night.

680
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:47.625
Oh.

681
00:31:59.402 --> 00:32:01.801
Come on,
you fucking bitch.

682
00:32:02.737 --> 00:32:04.903
Hey.

683
00:32:04.905 --> 00:32:07.705
Sorry. Was that supposed
to be a private moment?

684
00:32:07.707 --> 00:32:09.406
I can't get my zipper.

685
00:32:11.476 --> 00:32:13.108
I'm sorry for
what I said to you.

686
00:32:13.110 --> 00:32:14.476
What?

687
00:32:14.478 --> 00:32:15.643
I said, I'm sorry for
what I said to you.

688
00:32:15.645 --> 00:32:16.766
Can't hear you.

689
00:32:17.979 --> 00:32:21.780
I said I'm sorry for what
I said to you!

690
00:32:25.618 --> 00:32:27.217
What?

691
00:32:27.219 --> 00:32:29.252
I'm gonna have a baby.

692
00:32:29.254 --> 00:32:31.187
What? I found a sperm donor.

693
00:32:31.189 --> 00:32:33.355
This guy.
He's of Swedish descent.

694
00:32:33.357 --> 00:32:34.956
Oh, my God.
He has no known cancers

695
00:32:34.958 --> 00:32:37.825
on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse,

696
00:32:37.827 --> 00:32:40.194
no history of any kind
of mental illness, or...

697
00:32:40.196 --> 00:32:41.528
Oh, my God. I know.

698
00:32:41.530 --> 00:32:43.662
Oh, my God.

699
00:32:45.032 --> 00:32:46.998
I know.

700
00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:48.366
Wait. Do you think
it's a bad idea?

701
00:32:48.368 --> 00:32:50.167
Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?

702
00:32:50.169 --> 00:32:52.002
No, but... Wait,
when do you meet him?

703
00:32:52.004 --> 00:32:53.703
That's the best part.

704
00:32:53.705 --> 00:32:56.338
I never, ever have to meet
him, or any of his family.

705
00:32:56.340 --> 00:32:58.373
There's no strings
attached at all.

706
00:32:58.375 --> 00:33:00.174
Nothing. Is that crazy?

707
00:33:00.176 --> 00:33:02.609
No. Oh, my God,
you're gonna have a baby.

708
00:33:02.611 --> 00:33:05.278
I know!
You're gonna have a baby!

709
00:33:05.280 --> 00:33:07.313
I'm so happy for you.

710
00:33:07.315 --> 00:33:09.515
You'll always be my baby first.

711
00:33:10.351 --> 00:33:13.485
But you do need to grow up.

712
00:33:13.487 --> 00:33:15.587
And you do need to
move out by this Friday.

713
00:33:15.589 --> 00:33:16.588
What?

714
00:33:16.590 --> 00:33:18.289
The co-op board
found out you were here.

715
00:33:18.291 --> 00:33:20.324
Is this a bad idea?
Would you tell me?

716
00:33:20.326 --> 00:33:22.659
No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.

717
00:33:22.661 --> 00:33:24.260
Wait. Just go back.

718
00:33:24.262 --> 00:33:26.395
What was that thing that you
just said about the co-op board?

719
00:33:26.397 --> 00:33:27.829
You need to be out by Friday.

720
00:33:28.717 --> 00:33:30.998
But you're allowed
to have guests.

721
00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:33.033
Yes. But my guests
aren't allowed

722
00:33:33.035 --> 00:33:34.801
to slide down
the trash chute, naked.

723
00:33:34.803 --> 00:33:36.836
I didn't go naked down the...

724
00:33:37.705 --> 00:33:39.604
Oh.

725
00:33:39.606 --> 00:33:40.638
Robin did that.

726
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:41.805
Mmm-hmm.

727
00:33:41.807 --> 00:33:44.307
I've seen security
footage. And it just...

728
00:33:44.309 --> 00:33:45.775
Hmm.

729
00:34:04.294 --> 00:34:06.294
I don't know.

730
00:34:06.296 --> 00:34:07.695
Hmm, it seems kind of homey,

731
00:34:07.697 --> 00:34:09.730
like you'd actually
want to spend time here.

732
00:34:10.833 --> 00:34:13.133
Oh, this could be
a reading window.

733
00:34:13.135 --> 00:34:15.135
Reading is for ugly losers.

734
00:34:15.137 --> 00:34:16.769
I don't know.
I really like it.

735
00:34:16.771 --> 00:34:18.370
Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

736
00:34:18.372 --> 00:34:19.571
Wait!
No, don't do that!

737
00:34:19.573 --> 00:34:21.806
That just...
That just fell off.

738
00:34:21.808 --> 00:34:23.140
I think I'm gonna take it.

739
00:34:23.142 --> 00:34:24.674
This place is dangerous.

740
00:34:24.676 --> 00:34:26.175
It's perfect.

741
00:34:26.177 --> 00:34:27.609
Don't let that... Don't...

742
00:34:29.379 --> 00:34:32.146
Did that just break? Yeah.

743
00:35:32.873 --> 00:35:34.739
Good night.

744
00:35:38.744 --> 00:35:40.410
That was weird.

745
00:35:42.045 --> 00:35:44.246
Maybe you should
just leave it in there.

746
00:35:44.248 --> 00:35:45.647
Maybe you shouldn't
shake it like that.

747
00:35:45.649 --> 00:35:47.315
What, it's gonna make
the pee go in there.

748
00:35:47.317 --> 00:35:49.817
No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.

749
00:35:49.819 --> 00:35:51.819
I'm gonna be the
best auntie, ever. I am.

750
00:35:51.821 --> 00:35:53.587
I'm gonna give that kid
whatever it wants.

751
00:35:53.589 --> 00:35:55.288
Forever.
All the sugar in the world.

752
00:35:55.290 --> 00:35:56.689
Don't get your hopes up, okay?

753
00:35:56.691 --> 00:35:58.590
Because it never works
on the first time.

754
00:35:58.592 --> 00:36:00.024
It's too late.

755
00:36:04.129 --> 00:36:05.294
Mmm.

756
00:36:05.296 --> 00:36:08.264
See? I told you.

757
00:36:08.266 --> 00:36:09.665
Are you okay? Yeah.

758
00:36:09.667 --> 00:36:12.000
Oh, no, it always... This is...

759
00:36:12.002 --> 00:36:15.203
It doesn't usually work on
the first time, like I said.

760
00:36:15.205 --> 00:36:16.737
What?

761
00:36:20.843 --> 00:36:23.976
I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.

762
00:36:25.512 --> 00:36:27.044
Are you drinking enough water?

763
00:36:27.046 --> 00:36:30.167
Your lips are really dry, which
means you're dehydrated.

764
00:36:30.381 --> 00:36:32.447
I'll go get you some water.

765
00:36:39.454 --> 00:36:40.719
<i>These plums are
available through</i>

766
00:36:40.721 --> 00:36:42.153
<i>late summer, early autumn.</i>

767
00:36:42.155 --> 00:36:43.220
<i>Alice!</i>

768
00:36:43.222 --> 00:36:44.521
<i>And they're just wonderful,</i>

769
00:36:44.523 --> 00:36:46.443
<i>they're called
Italian prune plums.</i>

770
00:36:48.092 --> 00:36:49.791
<i>So, we're gonna make
a bit of caramel</i>

771
00:36:49.793 --> 00:36:52.326
<i>with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.</i>

772
00:36:52.328 --> 00:36:53.727
<i>I'm just gonna
cook it over medium heat</i>

773
00:36:53.729 --> 00:36:55.962
<i>until it's nice and
caramelized and brown...</i>

774
00:36:55.964 --> 00:36:57.063
<i>Alice!</i>

775
00:37:01.002 --> 00:37:02.434
Hi. <i>Hi.</i>

776
00:37:02.436 --> 00:37:03.968
My buzzer's broken.

777
00:37:03.970 --> 00:37:06.437
It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.

778
00:37:06.439 --> 00:37:08.705
That was bad. Can I come up?

779
00:37:08.707 --> 00:37:10.373
Yeah.

780
00:37:17.180 --> 00:37:19.747
<i>If you want to
make this cake another time...</i>

781
00:37:33.957 --> 00:37:35.022
Hey.

782
00:37:35.024 --> 00:37:36.256
Hey.

783
00:37:36.258 --> 00:37:37.457
It's good to see you.

784
00:37:37.459 --> 00:37:40.526
So good to see you. What's up?

785
00:37:40.528 --> 00:37:42.127
Well, I was going
through my closet,

786
00:37:42.129 --> 00:37:43.561
and I found a bunch
of your old stuff,

787
00:37:43.563 --> 00:37:46.030
so I thought you might want it.

788
00:37:50.001 --> 00:37:53.035
I could've come by to get this.

789
00:37:53.037 --> 00:37:57.072
Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um,

790
00:37:57.074 --> 00:37:59.240
<i>that's part of why I
wanted to come over.</i>

791
00:37:59.242 --> 00:38:00.808
Uh...

792
00:38:00.810 --> 00:38:04.777
So, Michelle is
moving in tomorrow.

793
00:38:05.479 --> 00:38:08.513
So... Wow!

794
00:38:09.382 --> 00:38:11.949
Michelle.

795
00:38:11.951 --> 00:38:13.317
She's got a name
and everything.

796
00:38:13.319 --> 00:38:14.685
She's got a name.

797
00:38:14.687 --> 00:38:15.886
Well, technically,
she's always had a name.

798
00:38:15.888 --> 00:38:17.487
Mmm-hmm.
I mean, her lease was up

799
00:38:17.489 --> 00:38:18.921
and I was with
this craigslist guy,

800
00:38:18.923 --> 00:38:20.455
and he started
stealing my socks.

801
00:38:20.457 --> 00:38:21.789
Mmm-hmm.
And so, it just made sense.

802
00:38:21.791 --> 00:38:23.490
It makes sense.
And we're excited.

803
00:38:23.492 --> 00:38:26.059
Mmm-hmm. We are.
You said "we." Okay.

804
00:38:26.061 --> 00:38:27.126
So...

805
00:38:27.128 --> 00:38:28.894
So let me give you the tour.

806
00:38:28.896 --> 00:38:31.930
Um, this is the kitchen.
This is the dining room.

807
00:38:31.932 --> 00:38:37.068
This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.

808
00:38:37.070 --> 00:38:40.071
And are you working
on your Spanish?

809
00:38:40.073 --> 00:38:41.605
Oh, that's been that
way since I moved in,

810
00:38:41.607 --> 00:38:43.073
and I don't know how to fix it.

811
00:38:43.075 --> 00:38:45.141
And now I don't know
what the world would be like

812
00:38:45.143 --> 00:38:46.809
if it wasn't in Spanish.

813
00:38:50.981 --> 00:38:52.747
It's pretty easy,
you know, it's...

814
00:39:00.422 --> 00:39:01.954
Alice.

815
00:39:01.956 --> 00:39:04.856
You're so handy.

816
00:39:06.392 --> 00:39:07.591
Alice.

817
00:39:07.593 --> 00:39:09.759
Michelle is
a really lucky girl.

818
00:39:12.162 --> 00:39:14.695
I didn't expect
for this to happen.

819
00:39:15.431 --> 00:39:16.696
I just...

820
00:39:18.466 --> 00:39:21.066
I stopped comparing
everyone to you

821
00:39:21.068 --> 00:39:23.768
and then I met
someone pretty great.

822
00:39:25.238 --> 00:39:26.904
I'm super happy for you.

823
00:39:28.173 --> 00:39:29.539
Yeah, I can see that.

824
00:39:30.575 --> 00:39:34.609
Alice. All right.

825
00:39:34.611 --> 00:39:36.377
I'm gonna go.

826
00:39:36.379 --> 00:39:37.644
Okay.

827
00:39:52.257 --> 00:39:54.156
You need to move on.

828
00:39:56.226 --> 00:39:57.592
Fine.

829
00:39:58.528 --> 00:40:00.528
Uh, no going backwards,
only forwards.

830
00:40:00.530 --> 00:40:02.096
You can't sleep with Tom again.

831
00:40:02.098 --> 00:40:03.997
Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going

832
00:40:03.999 --> 00:40:06.232
to a different bar, girlfriend.

833
00:40:06.234 --> 00:40:07.967
No, you'll be fine,

834
00:40:07.969 --> 00:40:10.436
just don't hit your
drink number with him.

835
00:40:10.438 --> 00:40:12.471
What's my drink number?

836
00:40:12.473 --> 00:40:14.573
In every male-female
friendship,

837
00:40:14.575 --> 00:40:16.341
there's a total
number of drinks

838
00:40:16.343 --> 00:40:19.177
and if you hit that, it means
you will definitely have sex.

839
00:40:19.179 --> 00:40:21.379
So, how many drinks does it
take to get you wasted?

840
00:40:21.381 --> 00:40:22.513
Two and a half,

841
00:40:22.515 --> 00:40:23.547
but maybe three, if I've eaten.

842
00:40:23.549 --> 00:40:24.648
Three.

843
00:40:24.650 --> 00:40:26.616
Okay, and Tom's is eight.

844
00:40:26.618 --> 00:40:28.217
So, you can't hit eleven drinks

845
00:40:28.219 --> 00:40:29.518
between the two of you.

846
00:40:29.520 --> 00:40:31.953
Okay.
Not one for you, 10 for him.

847
00:40:31.955 --> 00:40:33.988
Not six for him, five for you.

848
00:40:33.990 --> 00:40:35.389
If I had more than five drinks,

849
00:40:35.391 --> 00:40:36.656
I'd hook up with you.

850
00:40:36.658 --> 00:40:38.457
My drink number is 27.

851
00:40:38.459 --> 00:40:39.891
What?

852
00:40:39.893 --> 00:40:42.226
I wouldn't even touch
myself on less than 24.

853
00:40:42.228 --> 00:40:43.327
That's...

854
00:40:44.263 --> 00:40:46.263
What are you doing? Stop.

855
00:40:46.265 --> 00:40:48.164
What is that? Stop.

856
00:40:51.102 --> 00:40:52.801
Oh, my God.

857
00:40:52.803 --> 00:40:54.469
I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.
It's actually really cold.

858
00:40:54.471 --> 00:40:55.536
You have LTRP.

859
00:40:55.538 --> 00:40:56.637
Oh, my God. I do?

860
00:40:56.639 --> 00:40:57.804
Yeah.

861
00:40:57.806 --> 00:40:59.672
Tom gave it to me. For sure.

862
00:40:59.674 --> 00:41:01.040
Wait. What's LTRP?

863
00:41:01.042 --> 00:41:02.608
Long-Term Relationship Pussy.

864
00:41:02.610 --> 00:41:04.509
You really need
to get that taken care of.

865
00:41:04.511 --> 00:41:06.544
What do you mean?
I barely have any hair.

866
00:41:06.546 --> 00:41:07.978
It's like you dropped
your hairbrush

867
00:41:07.980 --> 00:41:09.813
and your vagina caught it.

868
00:41:09.815 --> 00:41:12.315
I could make dreadlocks with that
bush and form a reggae band.

869
00:41:12.317 --> 00:41:14.984
That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.

870
00:41:14.986 --> 00:41:18.020
It's like Gandalf
is staring right at me.

871
00:41:18.022 --> 00:41:20.856
"No penis shall pass!"

872
00:41:20.858 --> 00:41:23.525
You've ruined
so many things for me.

873
00:41:41.609 --> 00:41:42.708
Hi.

874
00:41:42.710 --> 00:41:45.110
Hi. What are you here for?

875
00:41:45.112 --> 00:41:49.947
Um, I am here to finally
put myself out there.

876
00:41:49.949 --> 00:41:53.050
Like, in a real way. You know?

877
00:41:53.052 --> 00:41:56.253
Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.

878
00:41:56.255 --> 00:41:57.520
Yeah.

879
00:41:57.522 --> 00:42:00.456
Uh, no, I was asking
what event are you here for?

880
00:42:00.458 --> 00:42:01.957
Oh, um...

881
00:42:02.426 --> 00:42:03.725
Oh, my God.

882
00:42:03.727 --> 00:42:05.960
The Wesleyan Alumni
Networking Event.

883
00:42:05.962 --> 00:42:07.695
Cool.

884
00:42:18.172 --> 00:42:19.237
Oh, I'm sorry.

885
00:42:19.239 --> 00:42:20.538
Sorry, sorry.

886
00:42:20.540 --> 00:42:22.406
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

887
00:42:22.408 --> 00:42:23.840
Oh, my God, we're...

888
00:42:23.842 --> 00:42:25.741
<i>♪ I wanna see your
peacock, cock, cock ♪</i>

889
00:42:25.743 --> 00:42:27.343
<i>♪ Your peacock, cock ♪</i>

890
00:42:27.345 --> 00:42:30.512
<i>♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪</i>

891
00:42:31.273 --> 00:42:32.513
<i>♪ Word on the street ♪</i>

892
00:42:32.515 --> 00:42:34.648
<i>♪ You got somethin'
to show me, me ♪</i>

893
00:42:34.650 --> 00:42:38.318
<i>♪ Magical, colorful,
myster-mystery-eeh ♪</i>

894
00:42:38.320 --> 00:42:41.321
<i>♪ I'm intrigued for a peek
Heard it's fascinating ♪</i>

895
00:42:41.323 --> 00:42:43.456
<i>♪ Come on baby let me see
What you hidin' underneath ♪</i>

896
00:42:43.458 --> 00:42:44.690
Hey. Get back over there,

897
00:42:44.692 --> 00:42:46.391
you're screwing up
the harmonies.

898
00:42:47.861 --> 00:42:49.694
I'm David Stone,
nice to meet you.

899
00:42:49.696 --> 00:42:51.328
Hi. Hey, I'm Alice.

900
00:42:51.330 --> 00:42:52.495
Alice...

901
00:42:52.497 --> 00:42:53.796
Kepley. Kepley.

902
00:42:53.798 --> 00:42:55.831
It's not as good as "Stone."

903
00:42:55.833 --> 00:42:57.532
Do you want one of
my business cards?

904
00:42:57.534 --> 00:43:00.434
Or maybe 400 of them, so you
could tile your bathroom?

905
00:43:00.436 --> 00:43:01.501
Well, what's on them?

906
00:43:01.503 --> 00:43:03.669
Um, my Social Security Number,

907
00:43:03.671 --> 00:43:06.304
my mom's maiden name,
my ATM PIN.

908
00:43:06.306 --> 00:43:07.571
That's what
goes on these, right?

909
00:43:07.573 --> 00:43:08.653
Absolutely, the essentials.

910
00:43:09.707 --> 00:43:11.006
What do you do?

911
00:43:11.008 --> 00:43:12.440
Um, I'm a paralegal.

912
00:43:12.442 --> 00:43:15.242
Okay. At Brown, Light
and Finkelstein.

913
00:43:15.244 --> 00:43:17.877
Is that, uh, 144 Wall Street?
Yeah.

914
00:43:17.879 --> 00:43:19.612
Yeah, I have the building
right next door.

915
00:43:19.614 --> 00:43:21.146
You "have" the building?

916
00:43:21.148 --> 00:43:23.581
Like, in
a Fantasy Building League?

917
00:43:23.583 --> 00:43:25.950
Uh, no. Um, I don't
"have" the building,

918
00:43:25.952 --> 00:43:27.551
I kind of own it. Oh.

919
00:43:27.553 --> 00:43:29.252
There's no way to
make that sound right.

920
00:43:29.254 --> 00:43:31.254
I'm a developer,
so, it's not just me.

921
00:43:31.256 --> 00:43:33.089
It's like a group
of people, but...

922
00:43:33.091 --> 00:43:35.958
That's like a real-ass job, man.
Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

923
00:43:38.628 --> 00:43:39.994
Oh, your team.

924
00:43:39.996 --> 00:43:41.428
We really need to
work on our repertoire.

925
00:43:41.430 --> 00:43:43.430
Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
Is it?

926
00:43:43.432 --> 00:43:47.600
Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.

927
00:43:49.568 --> 00:43:51.769
Oh, I'm sorry,
it's my daughter.

928
00:43:51.771 --> 00:43:53.303
Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.

929
00:43:53.305 --> 00:43:55.872
I mean, I'm a...
I'm a daughter.

930
00:43:55.874 --> 00:43:57.673
It was great to meet you.

931
00:43:57.675 --> 00:43:59.274
Bye. Yeah.

932
00:43:59.276 --> 00:44:00.876
<i>♪ Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock ♪</i>

933
00:44:02.011 --> 00:44:04.212
<i>♪ I wanna see
your peacock, cock ♪</i>

934
00:44:05.914 --> 00:44:07.914
<i>Okay, 30 more seconds.</i>

935
00:44:08.549 --> 00:44:09.948
Twenty-seven.

936
00:44:09.950 --> 00:44:13.217
It said three to
10 minutes, is that right?

937
00:44:13.219 --> 00:44:14.785
I'm doing this in solidarity.

938
00:44:14.787 --> 00:44:17.853
Guys. Mine's positive.

939
00:44:18.584 --> 00:44:20.664
What? What?

940
00:44:20.689 --> 00:44:22.422
Wait.

941
00:44:22.424 --> 00:44:24.757
I'm taking a drug test. Is
that what you guys are doing?

942
00:44:24.759 --> 00:44:25.958
No. No.

943
00:44:33.919 --> 00:44:35.799
I'm...

944
00:44:35.801 --> 00:44:37.467
You're pregnant.

945
00:44:37.469 --> 00:44:38.768
I'm pregnant.

946
00:44:38.770 --> 00:44:41.636
It's all right, don't worry.
We'll take care of it.

947
00:44:42.538 --> 00:44:44.771
I mean, "Yes!"

948
00:44:44.773 --> 00:44:46.873
You're pregnant!

949
00:44:46.875 --> 00:44:48.541
We're pregnant!

950
00:44:48.543 --> 00:44:49.808
I'm not pregnant!

951
00:44:49.810 --> 00:44:51.609
I'm on drugs!

952
00:45:15.833 --> 00:45:18.700
I found my peanut!
This is Paul.

953
00:45:18.702 --> 00:45:19.801
Hey.

954
00:45:19.803 --> 00:45:20.968
He has so many teeth.

955
00:45:29.310 --> 00:45:33.478
What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!

956
00:45:33.480 --> 00:45:36.581
Who's ready to reach
into my cleave of wonders

957
00:45:36.583 --> 00:45:37.949
and win themselves a prize?

958
00:45:37.951 --> 00:45:40.651
Doris, I'm coming
to you first, baby.

959
00:45:42.988 --> 00:45:46.389
Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

960
00:45:46.391 --> 00:45:49.024
You have won
Kathy's credit card.

961
00:45:49.026 --> 00:45:50.358
Let's go, dance circle!

962
00:45:50.360 --> 00:45:53.193
Bridget, come on
in here, you slut!

963
00:45:55.664 --> 00:45:59.132
How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?

964
00:45:59.834 --> 00:46:01.633
What?

965
00:46:01.635 --> 00:46:04.268
How many little burgers does it
take to make a whole burger?

966
00:46:04.270 --> 00:46:06.703
You're crazy.

967
00:46:06.705 --> 00:46:07.904
Don't call me crazy.

968
00:46:07.906 --> 00:46:10.072
Don't ever call
a pregnant woman crazy.

969
00:46:10.074 --> 00:46:11.873
Okay. All right.
Not ever. Never.

970
00:46:11.875 --> 00:46:13.341
Okay.

971
00:46:13.343 --> 00:46:15.276
How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?

972
00:46:15.278 --> 00:46:17.277
I don't know, maybe four?

973
00:46:19.014 --> 00:46:20.279
I've had seven.

974
00:46:20.281 --> 00:46:21.813
Eight. I meant eight.

975
00:46:21.815 --> 00:46:23.147
Is it four, or is it eight?

976
00:46:23.149 --> 00:46:25.716
It's eight, or more.
Everyone knows that.

977
00:46:25.718 --> 00:46:26.817
Who told you that?

978
00:46:26.819 --> 00:46:28.185
The slider guy.

979
00:46:30.055 --> 00:46:32.889
Please blink,
so I know you're in there.

980
00:46:32.891 --> 00:46:34.257
I'm sorry. God.

981
00:46:34.259 --> 00:46:36.659
I just have blood pumping
through my body

982
00:46:36.661 --> 00:46:38.160
in an uncomfortable way

983
00:46:38.162 --> 00:46:40.729
and it feels like it's all
accumulating right here.

984
00:46:40.731 --> 00:46:43.131
Don't touch yourself like
that in my workplace.

985
00:46:43.133 --> 00:46:44.532
I need a man.

986
00:46:44.534 --> 00:46:45.766
A man?

987
00:46:45.768 --> 00:46:47.400
I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.

988
00:46:47.402 --> 00:46:49.135
It's, like, the hormones
or something.

989
00:46:49.137 --> 00:46:53.973
Actually, the new guy has sort
of been checking you out.

990
00:46:53.975 --> 00:46:55.855
Which one? He's...

991
00:46:59.506 --> 00:47:00.946
Did you get it? No.

992
00:47:00.948 --> 00:47:03.081
All right. He's like...

993
00:47:04.717 --> 00:47:06.216
Right over there.

994
00:47:08.820 --> 00:47:10.686
No. No. Why?

995
00:47:10.688 --> 00:47:12.521
Because he's too young.

996
00:47:12.523 --> 00:47:14.623
All young guys want to
do is have sex all day.

997
00:47:14.625 --> 00:47:17.993
All I need is just
a quick 10 minutes,

998
00:47:17.995 --> 00:47:21.096
and then a really long nap.

999
00:47:21.098 --> 00:47:22.964
<i>How old is that
little niblet, anyway?</i>

1000
00:47:22.966 --> 00:47:26.367
Like, twenty-f... Seven?

1001
00:47:26.369 --> 00:47:28.102
The only reason a guy like
that would ever talk to me

1002
00:47:28.104 --> 00:47:30.104
is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.

1003
00:47:30.106 --> 00:47:31.705
So, no.

1004
00:47:31.707 --> 00:47:33.606
I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

1005
00:47:33.608 --> 00:47:35.374
Wait, he might be
going to the food.

1006
00:47:35.376 --> 00:47:37.676
Don't look over there.
No, he's coming.

1007
00:47:38.578 --> 00:47:40.110
He's here.

1008
00:47:40.112 --> 00:47:41.611
Just saw you looking
at me over there.

1009
00:47:41.613 --> 00:47:44.981
I thought I'd come over,
say "What's up."

1010
00:47:44.983 --> 00:47:46.248
Hmm. Or...

1011
00:47:48.117 --> 00:47:49.716
Oh, my God, did I misread that?

1012
00:47:49.718 --> 00:47:51.651
Were you not...
Were you just talking about...

1013
00:47:51.653 --> 00:47:54.053
Um, did you not
want me to come over?

1014
00:47:57.958 --> 00:47:59.590
Hey, I'm Ken.

1015
00:47:59.592 --> 00:48:02.392
Hmm.
You must be Alice's sister.

1016
00:48:02.394 --> 00:48:03.659
Um, do you want a drink? No.

1017
00:48:03.661 --> 00:48:04.726
Can I get you...

1018
00:48:04.728 --> 00:48:07.495
I had a lot of
drinks earlier today.

1019
00:48:08.998 --> 00:48:10.530
Have you heard anything
about an after-party?

1020
00:48:10.532 --> 00:48:12.832
Or even, like,
another part of this party?

1021
00:48:12.834 --> 00:48:17.502
Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...

1022
00:48:17.504 --> 00:48:19.003
Oh, my God, am I boring you?

1023
00:48:19.005 --> 00:48:20.571
Is that... Are you
trying not to yawn?

1024
00:48:20.573 --> 00:48:22.606
Mmm-mmm. That's just your face?

1025
00:48:22.608 --> 00:48:26.176
No, I'm sorry. I'm a doctor,
and I'm just really tired.

1026
00:48:26.178 --> 00:48:28.411
What is it you were
saying you do?

1027
00:48:28.413 --> 00:48:31.913
I wasn't, but I
work here, for now.

1028
00:48:31.915 --> 00:48:33.381
But, um...

1029
00:48:33.383 --> 00:48:36.050
Oh, my God,
are you having a stroke?

1030
00:48:36.052 --> 00:48:37.551
Seriously, this is
the honeymoon.

1031
00:48:37.553 --> 00:48:39.519
Like, we just
met 30 seconds ago.

1032
00:48:39.521 --> 00:48:41.587
Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,

1033
00:48:41.589 --> 00:48:43.455
I don't think we're
gonna make it at all.

1034
00:48:43.457 --> 00:48:45.890
So, why don't you just,
like, let her rip?

1035
00:48:45.892 --> 00:48:47.852
Okay. Like, let it all out.

1036
00:48:48.860 --> 00:48:50.426
Yeah.

1037
00:48:50.428 --> 00:48:52.594
How awesome was that?

1038
00:48:52.596 --> 00:48:53.862
That feels so good.

1039
00:48:53.864 --> 00:48:55.930
Right?

1040
00:48:55.932 --> 00:48:57.798
Who are you, again?

1041
00:48:57.800 --> 00:48:58.932
I'm, uh, Ken.

1042
00:48:58.934 --> 00:49:00.633
And what's going on here?

1043
00:49:00.635 --> 00:49:02.067
Is this...
I don't...

1044
00:49:02.069 --> 00:49:03.635
Is this one of those
fetish things?

1045
00:49:03.637 --> 00:49:07.238
Where you're, like,
a foot fetish. Am I the foot?

1046
00:49:07.240 --> 00:49:09.506
Do you want to be the foot?

1047
00:49:09.508 --> 00:49:13.175
I'm not into feet, but I would
like to go out with you.

1048
00:49:13.177 --> 00:49:14.709
Oh.

1049
00:49:14.711 --> 00:49:16.177
Yes. Why?

1050
00:49:16.179 --> 00:49:18.145
Really? I...
Do you not want me to?

1051
00:49:18.147 --> 00:49:21.947
I do! I... That's not what I was saying.
No, I was just wondering why.

1052
00:49:21.949 --> 00:49:23.782
Because I think you're hot.

1053
00:49:23.784 --> 00:49:26.050
And I think you're funny.

1054
00:49:26.052 --> 00:49:28.585
And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.

1055
00:49:28.587 --> 00:49:30.920
And then you have an
awesome yawn after that, so...

1056
00:49:30.922 --> 00:49:33.255
I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.

1057
00:49:33.257 --> 00:49:34.923
I don't know.

1058
00:49:34.925 --> 00:49:36.257
But, cheers.

1059
00:49:36.259 --> 00:49:38.792
Holy shit, that's a candle.

1060
00:49:40.228 --> 00:49:42.388
So, do you wanna just go do this, then?

1061
00:49:47.000 --> 00:49:48.265
Oh.

1062
00:49:49.801 --> 00:49:50.866
Mmm.

1063
00:49:54.537 --> 00:49:55.936
I don't want anything serious.

1064
00:49:55.938 --> 00:49:58.271
Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.

1065
00:49:58.273 --> 00:50:00.573
I'm just kidding.

1066
00:50:00.575 --> 00:50:02.875
My God, your body is awesome!

1067
00:50:04.078 --> 00:50:05.877
Do I smell like hamburgers?

1068
00:50:05.879 --> 00:50:07.578
You taste like hamburgers.

1069
00:50:09.053 --> 00:50:11.214
That's totally beautiful.

1070
00:50:13.805 --> 00:50:17.085
You didn't really have to come all
the way here with me, you know?

1071
00:50:17.087 --> 00:50:19.020
And miss a subway ride with you?

1072
00:50:19.022 --> 00:50:21.722
That's like 20 extra
minutes of Paul time.

1073
00:50:21.724 --> 00:50:23.623
Aw. Thank you. Yeah.

1074
00:50:23.625 --> 00:50:25.358
Actually, I got you something.

1075
00:50:25.360 --> 00:50:26.659
Oh, okay.

1076
00:50:26.661 --> 00:50:28.761
I have a sandwich
for the train ride.

1077
00:50:28.763 --> 00:50:31.730
Oh, thank you. And there's
a bagel in there, too,

1078
00:50:31.732 --> 00:50:33.331
in case you don't
want the sandwich.

1079
00:50:33.333 --> 00:50:36.400
It's a 45 minute
train ride, but thank you.

1080
00:50:36.402 --> 00:50:37.968
And there's this. What?

1081
00:50:37.970 --> 00:50:39.069
Merry Christmas.

1082
00:50:39.071 --> 00:50:40.403
You shouldn't have.

1083
00:50:40.405 --> 00:50:42.371
Really, it's just
a little thing that...

1084
00:50:42.373 --> 00:50:44.539
Oh. Open it now, yeah.

1085
00:50:45.742 --> 00:50:47.808
Whoa! These are pictures of us.

1086
00:50:47.810 --> 00:50:50.377
It's memories of
all our time together.

1087
00:50:50.379 --> 00:50:53.880
Yeah, there's three weeks
of photos. That's...

1088
00:50:53.882 --> 00:50:56.202
And then we can
fill in the rest.

1089
00:50:57.151 --> 00:50:58.884
Oh, so...

1090
00:50:58.886 --> 00:51:03.421
Look, Lucy, I...
I really care about you.

1091
00:51:03.423 --> 00:51:08.625
And I just don't know if we want to
think too much in the long term,

1092
00:51:08.627 --> 00:51:11.894
only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.

1093
00:51:11.896 --> 00:51:14.997
Normally, I break up with
people before the holidays,

1094
00:51:14.999 --> 00:51:17.165
just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.

1095
00:51:17.167 --> 00:51:19.867
But I just thought, since
we're dating other people,

1096
00:51:19.869 --> 00:51:23.904
I would just wait and break up with
you on Martin Luther King Day.

1097
00:51:23.906 --> 00:51:26.640
Okay, I have no idea what that
means, but it sounds vaguely racist.

1098
00:51:26.642 --> 00:51:28.742
Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday

1099
00:51:28.744 --> 00:51:30.376
to break up with
someone on, you know?

1100
00:51:30.378 --> 00:51:32.411
I mean, there's
no family obligations,

1101
00:51:32.413 --> 00:51:34.212
you can get out before
Valentine's Day.

1102
00:51:34.214 --> 00:51:37.848
I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?

1103
00:51:37.850 --> 00:51:39.182
Yeah.

1104
00:51:39.184 --> 00:51:41.584
I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?

1105
00:51:41.586 --> 00:51:43.018
No.

1106
00:51:43.020 --> 00:51:45.286
It's to find your soul mate!

1107
00:51:47.156 --> 00:51:52.092
I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.

1108
00:51:53.028 --> 00:51:54.927
Okay. Great talk.

1109
00:51:56.597 --> 00:51:57.662
Bye.

1110
00:51:59.265 --> 00:52:00.564
Just...

1111
00:52:00.566 --> 00:52:02.566
Um, Merry Christmas.

1112
00:52:05.971 --> 00:52:11.140
"'We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."

1113
00:52:11.142 --> 00:52:12.441
Um, who's Paul?

1114
00:52:13.877 --> 00:52:16.477
Sorry, "the Prince."

1115
00:52:16.479 --> 00:52:21.982
"Then, he leaned in to kiss
her, and finally said..."

1116
00:52:26.454 --> 00:52:28.120
Oh, that's rich.

1117
00:52:28.122 --> 00:52:29.421
How does the story end?

1118
00:52:29.423 --> 00:52:31.122
I'll tell you how it ends.

1119
00:52:31.124 --> 00:52:36.694
He kisses her, and she wakes
up and finally feels loved,

1120
00:52:36.696 --> 00:52:38.996
and understood, and wanted.

1121
00:52:38.998 --> 00:52:41.999
But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady

1122
00:52:42.001 --> 00:52:44.134
and before she knows it,
she's kicked out

1123
00:52:44.136 --> 00:52:45.969
of the castle.

1124
00:52:45.971 --> 00:52:47.503
"The peach lady"?

1125
00:52:47.505 --> 00:52:49.304
You bet your sweet ass
"the peach lady."

1126
00:52:49.306 --> 00:52:54.108
And now, you know, she's
fixating on all her mistakes

1127
00:52:54.110 --> 00:52:57.511
and all the money
she spent on makeup

1128
00:52:57.513 --> 00:53:00.747
and blow-outs, and the heels!

1129
00:53:00.749 --> 00:53:03.116
The heels!
Walking around on these.

1130
00:53:03.118 --> 00:53:06.285
And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.

1131
00:53:06.287 --> 00:53:08.954
No hair here,
but tons of it here.

1132
00:53:08.956 --> 00:53:11.056
I'm supposed to have
a ton, a ton of it here.

1133
00:53:11.058 --> 00:53:12.357
You think this is all real?

1134
00:53:12.359 --> 00:53:14.359
You think that it's all real?
No.

1135
00:53:14.361 --> 00:53:15.993
And Spanx!

1136
00:53:15.995 --> 00:53:18.829
Girls. Never wear Spanx.

1137
00:53:18.831 --> 00:53:20.330
Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway

1138
00:53:20.332 --> 00:53:23.333
and then the prince is gonna
see all your dumplings

1139
00:53:23.335 --> 00:53:25.001
and there ain't
nothing less attractive

1140
00:53:25.003 --> 00:53:26.669
<i>than trying to
squiggle your way</i>

1141
00:53:26.671 --> 00:53:29.371
out of what's basically
sausage casing.

1142
00:53:29.373 --> 00:53:30.805
Look at these links!

1143
00:53:30.807 --> 00:53:32.206
You know what,
why don't we push pause

1144
00:53:32.208 --> 00:53:34.041
<i>on story time for
just a second, huh?</i>

1145
00:53:34.043 --> 00:53:35.575
<i>Okay,
you know what? Sorry.</i>

1146
00:53:35.577 --> 00:53:37.076
- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, hey. Okay.

1147
00:53:37.078 --> 00:53:39.011
These are kid scissors.
They don't work.

1148
00:53:39.013 --> 00:53:40.912
If your Spanx were made of
construction paper, they would.

1149
00:53:40.914 --> 00:53:44.148
And that's how the story ends.

1150
00:53:44.150 --> 00:53:45.916
Parents, I'm gonna ask
you to sign something

1151
00:53:45.918 --> 00:53:47.417
before you leave,
if you don't mind.

1152
00:53:47.419 --> 00:53:48.751
Story time next week.

1153
00:53:48.753 --> 00:53:51.053
Same time, same place,
different reader.

1154
00:53:51.055 --> 00:53:53.989
Thank you. Okay, now.
Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

1155
00:53:53.991 --> 00:53:56.758
Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.

1156
00:53:56.760 --> 00:53:58.192
Oh, that was terrible.

1157
00:53:58.194 --> 00:54:01.795
You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.

1158
00:54:01.797 --> 00:54:05.064
But it was also
kind of awesome.

1159
00:54:07.001 --> 00:54:08.666
I'm George.

1160
00:54:11.003 --> 00:54:12.135
Lucy.

1161
00:54:15.539 --> 00:54:17.005
Hey. Hi.

1162
00:54:17.007 --> 00:54:18.539
<i>Hey.</i> Hey!

1163
00:54:18.541 --> 00:54:20.207
Hey! Oh, thank you.

1164
00:54:20.209 --> 00:54:21.408
For you. I'll take that.

1165
00:54:21.410 --> 00:54:23.009
Oh, no. That's Robin's.

1166
00:54:23.011 --> 00:54:26.112
Yeah. I like to keep
this on my own rack.

1167
00:54:26.114 --> 00:54:27.179
Sorry, we're late.

1168
00:54:27.181 --> 00:54:29.247
No, it's okay. I'm glad
you guys could come.

1169
00:54:29.249 --> 00:54:33.217
I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...

1170
00:54:33.219 --> 00:54:37.420
Why do people always say that? The
holidays is he best time to be single.

1171
00:54:37.422 --> 00:54:39.822
Parties every night,
free-flowing booze.

1172
00:54:39.824 --> 00:54:42.491
Mmm-hmm. Santa's beard
tickling your inner thigh.

1173
00:54:42.493 --> 00:54:43.959
What? Night.

1174
00:54:43.961 --> 00:54:45.593
Yeah, take your jacket...

1175
00:54:45.595 --> 00:54:47.161
Here, you want me
to get your...

1176
00:54:47.163 --> 00:54:48.428
Thanks for having us.

1177
00:54:48.430 --> 00:54:52.164
Yeah, sure. I know it's
been tough for you.

1178
00:54:52.166 --> 00:54:53.598
For me? Yeah.

1179
00:54:53.600 --> 00:54:55.333
No, I'm good.

1180
00:54:55.335 --> 00:54:58.969
It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.

1181
00:54:58.971 --> 00:55:01.204
Yeah. Yeah, I know,
she's really mature.

1182
00:55:01.206 --> 00:55:04.407
And, um, also, I told
her you're my cousin.

1183
00:55:04.409 --> 00:55:06.575
Hi, baby. Hey. Hi.

1184
00:55:06.577 --> 00:55:09.177
Oh, you must be Alice.

1185
00:55:09.179 --> 00:55:11.145
Hi! Hi.

1186
00:55:17.383 --> 00:55:19.049
Oh, Meg!

1187
00:55:19.051 --> 00:55:20.183
Hi. Hey.

1188
00:55:20.185 --> 00:55:21.450
Hi, what are you doing here?

1189
00:55:21.452 --> 00:55:22.551
I brought you hot chocolate.

1190
00:55:22.553 --> 00:55:23.585
For what?

1191
00:55:23.587 --> 00:55:25.154
For drinking.

1192
00:55:25.156 --> 00:55:27.122
Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.

1193
00:55:27.124 --> 00:55:28.056
Perfect.

1194
00:55:28.058 --> 00:55:29.490
Oh, thank you. Sure.

1195
00:55:29.492 --> 00:55:31.692
That was nice. Hi.

1196
00:55:31.694 --> 00:55:33.060
It's good to see you.
You look good.

1197
00:55:33.062 --> 00:55:34.628
Oh, oh, there's
bourbon in there.

1198
00:55:34.630 --> 00:55:36.062
Also, was that
a real-life spit take?

1199
00:55:36.064 --> 00:55:38.097
Mmm. I've never seen
one in real life.

1200
00:55:38.099 --> 00:55:39.898
I just sort of thought
it would be like...

1201
00:55:42.301 --> 00:55:43.500
Wow. You know?

1202
00:55:43.502 --> 00:55:45.235
Yeah.

1203
00:55:45.237 --> 00:55:46.436
That was good, yeah.

1204
00:55:46.438 --> 00:55:47.904
I can't drink alcohol right now

1205
00:55:47.906 --> 00:55:50.706
because I'm
about to deliver a baby.

1206
00:55:50.708 --> 00:55:52.641
It's so cool you're a doctor.

1207
00:55:53.302 --> 00:55:54.542
It's so cool that you're...

1208
00:55:54.544 --> 00:55:56.143
A receptionist.

1209
00:55:56.145 --> 00:56:00.447
Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?

1210
00:56:00.449 --> 00:56:02.248
Receptionist. Oh.

1211
00:56:02.250 --> 00:56:04.316
Oh, I just love the
thrill of it, you know?

1212
00:56:04.318 --> 00:56:06.751
Like, "Hello? Hold, please. "Hello?
I'll see if she's available."

1213
00:56:06.753 --> 00:56:08.619
But I'm thinking about
quitting. I don't know.

1214
00:56:08.621 --> 00:56:11.221
It's starting to feel like the
restaurant I worked at.

1215
00:56:11.223 --> 00:56:16.159
Oh. Oh, shit. Christmas trees.

1216
00:56:16.161 --> 00:56:17.460
Come on, we'll get one.

1217
00:56:17.462 --> 00:56:20.095
Okay. I mean, I don't
get Christmas trees, but...

1218
00:56:20.097 --> 00:56:23.364
Oh, are you Jewish? No, I just
don't get Christmas trees.

1219
00:56:23.366 --> 00:56:24.965
Oh, so, you're a monster.

1220
00:56:24.967 --> 00:56:28.334
No, I'm just never home, and
I would definitely kill it.

1221
00:56:28.336 --> 00:56:29.668
No.

1222
00:56:29.670 --> 00:56:31.069
And then those needles
fall into the rug

1223
00:56:31.071 --> 00:56:33.471
and stab your feet
when you walk on them.

1224
00:56:33.473 --> 00:56:34.738
Okay.

1225
00:56:34.740 --> 00:56:37.140
All right.
Look at this guy, right?

1226
00:56:37.142 --> 00:56:39.108
That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.

1227
00:56:39.110 --> 00:56:40.976
Like, you cannot kill this guy.

1228
00:56:40.978 --> 00:56:42.777
We load him up with
a bunch of water,

1229
00:56:42.779 --> 00:56:45.713
stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side,

1230
00:56:45.715 --> 00:56:47.347
you're good to go for,
like, three weeks.

1231
00:56:47.349 --> 00:56:49.015
I'm telling you, you're gonna
be begging this guy to die.

1232
00:56:49.017 --> 00:56:50.616
Yeah. Then, in three weeks

1233
00:56:50.618 --> 00:56:52.584
we throw this guy
out on the street,

1234
00:56:52.586 --> 00:56:54.252
and get ready
for Valentine's Day.

1235
00:56:54.254 --> 00:56:55.853
"We" get ready
for Valentine's Day?

1236
00:56:55.855 --> 00:56:58.121
Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
Oh.

1237
00:56:58.123 --> 00:57:00.823
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not...

1238
00:57:00.825 --> 00:57:03.392
Listen, in three
weeks from now,

1239
00:57:03.394 --> 00:57:06.895
I think the novelty of this
whole thing will have worn off

1240
00:57:06.897 --> 00:57:11.633
and I think, the reality will set in,
which is that I work all the time

1241
00:57:11.635 --> 00:57:13.301
and I probably would
never see you,

1242
00:57:13.303 --> 00:57:16.637
and I'd probably have to
cancel all of our dates.

1243
00:57:16.639 --> 00:57:19.239
And, when I did
finally see you,

1244
00:57:19.241 --> 00:57:21.574
I would probably just
fall asleep on your face.

1245
00:57:21.576 --> 00:57:23.042
Oh... Yeah, and then,

1246
00:57:23.044 --> 00:57:24.710
.you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.

1247
00:57:24.712 --> 00:57:27.646
Because you obviously have a lot
of time to spend at the gym

1248
00:57:27.648 --> 00:57:29.214
and so would she, and

1249
00:57:29.216 --> 00:57:30.848
I don't even know why we're
having this conversation.

1250
00:57:30.850 --> 00:57:32.649
I mean, you are
obviously not a real thing

1251
00:57:32.651 --> 00:57:35.785
and I feel like we're wasting
air even talking about it.

1252
00:57:35.787 --> 00:57:38.154
And I have hip problems,
real hip problems,

1253
00:57:38.156 --> 00:57:40.055
and not from doing fun things,

1254
00:57:40.057 --> 00:57:42.791
like having sex,
but from gravity.

1255
00:57:42.793 --> 00:57:44.492
And what we had was great.

1256
00:57:44.494 --> 00:57:48.562
Thank you for
helping me out with that.

1257
00:57:48.564 --> 00:57:49.863
That was fun.

1258
00:57:49.865 --> 00:57:52.799
But you will find
a girl your own age

1259
00:57:52.801 --> 00:57:54.133
and then you can do fun things

1260
00:57:54.135 --> 00:57:55.968
like look for trees
and whatever.

1261
00:57:55.970 --> 00:57:59.404
But that's not what's happening
here, between you and me, so...

1262
00:57:59.406 --> 00:58:00.571
Just so you know.

1263
00:58:00.573 --> 00:58:02.472
I have to get back to work now.

1264
00:58:04.609 --> 00:58:05.874
My God.

1265
00:58:05.876 --> 00:58:07.842
Fine, we won't get
a Christmas tree!

1266
00:58:09.045 --> 00:58:12.846
You okay? You happy?
I'm okay.

1267
00:58:15.083 --> 00:58:18.850
<i>You did good.
This is an incredible party.</i>

1268
00:58:19.819 --> 00:58:21.285
Mmm. You're sweet.

1269
00:58:33.298 --> 00:58:34.563
Hey, Robin.

1270
00:58:34.565 --> 00:58:35.830
Yeah.

1271
00:58:38.045 --> 00:58:39.765
Oh. Yes?

1272
00:58:39.767 --> 00:58:41.900
Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?

1273
00:58:41.902 --> 00:58:43.368
Right now? Yeah.

1274
00:58:43.370 --> 00:58:46.437
No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy,

1275
00:58:46.439 --> 00:58:48.972
and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions

1276
00:58:48.974 --> 00:58:51.174
like us sitting on their faces.

1277
00:58:51.176 --> 00:58:53.643
No. No.
Come on, it's Christmas!

1278
00:58:53.645 --> 00:58:55.911
I'm not gonna do that tonight.

1279
00:58:55.913 --> 00:58:58.079
Why? Their dicks probably
look like cannolis.

1280
00:58:58.081 --> 00:59:01.114
No, it's okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.

1281
00:59:08.321 --> 00:59:11.388
It's plastic.
You can't kill it.

1282
00:59:43.888 --> 00:59:45.187
<i>Hey.</i>

1283
00:59:46.089 --> 00:59:47.154
Hey.

1284
00:59:48.023 --> 00:59:50.456
I feel like I know you.

1285
00:59:50.458 --> 00:59:52.391
God, I wish I had one of
your business cards,

1286
00:59:52.393 --> 00:59:53.892
so I could
remember who you are.

1287
00:59:55.929 --> 00:59:58.195
Yeah, you're the, um,
fancy married guy,

1288
00:59:58.197 --> 01:00:00.297
with the kid and the buildings.

1289
01:00:00.299 --> 01:00:02.699
Uh, I'm not married.

1290
01:00:02.701 --> 01:00:04.467
Um, I do have a daughter.

1291
01:00:05.203 --> 01:00:06.135
Oh.

1292
01:00:06.137 --> 01:00:07.603
And I'm fancy. Yeah.

1293
01:00:07.605 --> 01:00:10.372
You're wearing a scarf on
the outside of your jacket.

1294
01:00:10.374 --> 01:00:12.507
Which...
That serves zero purpose.

1295
01:00:14.677 --> 01:00:15.942
Um...

1296
01:00:17.045 --> 01:00:19.412
Uh, this is super
random, but do you

1297
01:00:19.414 --> 01:00:22.614
want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?

1298
01:00:23.650 --> 01:00:25.282
No? That's a big "no."

1299
01:00:25.284 --> 01:00:26.850
No, no.

1300
01:00:26.852 --> 01:00:28.318
I know it's probably like so
crowded with so many tourists,

1301
01:00:28.320 --> 01:00:29.986
I don't know why
I even want to do that.

1302
01:00:29.988 --> 01:00:33.222
I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.

1303
01:00:34.525 --> 01:00:35.624
Okay.

1304
01:00:37.961 --> 01:00:40.294
All right.
This door.

1305
01:00:41.730 --> 01:00:44.063
Aye.

1306
01:00:44.065 --> 01:00:45.397
You know what?
I am just realizing now

1307
01:00:45.399 --> 01:00:47.065
that I've gone with
a complete stranger,

1308
01:00:47.067 --> 01:00:51.368
to an abandoned location
covered in plastic.

1309
01:00:51.370 --> 01:00:54.704
So, if you're
gonna Dexter me...

1310
01:00:54.706 --> 01:00:56.472
You know what? Honestly?

1311
01:00:56.474 --> 01:00:58.507
Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.

1312
01:00:58.509 --> 01:01:00.475
What is happening?
All right. Close your eyes.

1313
01:01:00.477 --> 01:01:02.343
Okay. Here we go. Bye!

1314
01:01:04.980 --> 01:01:06.479
What is that sound?
<i>Just one second.</i>

1315
01:01:06.481 --> 01:01:08.981
The world's largest
shower curtain?

1316
01:01:08.983 --> 01:01:10.549
<i>What is it? What's happening?</i>

1317
01:01:10.551 --> 01:01:12.083
One sec. Uh...

1318
01:01:12.085 --> 01:01:13.484
Is that the body bag?

1319
01:01:13.486 --> 01:01:14.618
Is that duct tape?

1320
01:01:14.620 --> 01:01:17.520
Is it "duck" tape
or is it "duct" tape?

1321
01:01:18.055 --> 01:01:19.421
Um, open your eyes.

1322
01:01:33.001 --> 01:01:34.700
Oh, my God.

1323
01:01:36.003 --> 01:01:38.069
This is amazing.

1324
01:01:43.442 --> 01:01:45.141
Thank you.

1325
01:01:45.143 --> 01:01:46.642
I've always wanted to see this.

1326
01:01:46.644 --> 01:01:47.976
Yeah.

1327
01:01:47.978 --> 01:01:49.477
I don't know why
I always talk myself out

1328
01:01:49.479 --> 01:01:51.312
of doing the things
that I really want to do.

1329
01:01:51.314 --> 01:01:52.579
Like what?

1330
01:01:52.581 --> 01:01:54.814
There's this thing that
people do on New Year's,

1331
01:01:54.816 --> 01:01:57.583
where they hike the Grand
Canyon in the dark, Hmm.

1332
01:01:57.585 --> 01:02:01.152
So that they can watch the New
Year come in with the dawn.

1333
01:02:01.154 --> 01:02:03.454
That sounds amazing.

1334
01:02:03.456 --> 01:02:05.022
I know. Yeah.

1335
01:02:05.024 --> 01:02:06.857
I'm just not a hiker.

1336
01:02:06.859 --> 01:02:10.727
I don't like that stuff that's on the
ground, that, like, gets on you.

1337
01:02:10.729 --> 01:02:12.495
The dirt? Yes.

1338
01:02:14.198 --> 01:02:18.099
But, um, I don't know.

1339
01:02:18.101 --> 01:02:22.937
Maybe we can, um,
do something else this year.

1340
01:02:22.939 --> 01:02:24.738
"We"? Did I say "we"?

1341
01:02:36.784 --> 01:02:38.650
This one's name is Ping-Ping.

1342
01:02:38.652 --> 01:02:39.851
Ping-Ping?

1343
01:02:39.853 --> 01:02:40.952
It's nice to meet you.

1344
01:02:40.954 --> 01:02:42.386
Who's this guy?

1345
01:02:42.388 --> 01:02:43.787
Lion.

1346
01:02:43.789 --> 01:02:46.890
Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.

1347
01:02:46.892 --> 01:02:48.191
Well, what about this guy?

1348
01:02:48.193 --> 01:02:49.959
Zebra-Zebra.

1349
01:02:49.961 --> 01:02:52.861
Hmm. I was told never to trust
a man with two first names.

1350
01:02:54.631 --> 01:02:56.931
What about, do you want to tell
me the names of these ones?

1351
01:02:56.933 --> 01:02:58.599
This is LA.
I'll be two seconds.

1352
01:02:58.601 --> 01:03:00.634
Okay, we're fine.

1353
01:03:00.636 --> 01:03:02.902
Do you know
the <i>Eyes of You</i> song?

1354
01:03:02.904 --> 01:03:04.303
The what song?

1355
01:03:04.305 --> 01:03:05.937
<i>Eyes of You</i> song.

1356
01:03:05.939 --> 01:03:07.805
No, I don't know what that is.

1357
01:03:12.677 --> 01:03:14.276
Oh, I know that song.

1358
01:03:19.582 --> 01:03:23.649
<i>♪ I love you baby
And if it's quite all right ♪</i>

1359
01:03:23.651 --> 01:03:25.183
What are you doing?

1360
01:03:25.185 --> 01:03:26.751
Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,

1361
01:03:26.753 --> 01:03:29.153
but her voice is
way better than mine.

1362
01:03:29.155 --> 01:03:30.521
Can I talk to you?

1363
01:03:30.523 --> 01:03:31.855
Yeah, yeah.

1364
01:03:38.963 --> 01:03:40.662
Uh, what are you doing?

1365
01:03:40.664 --> 01:03:41.896
What do you mean?

1366
01:03:41.898 --> 01:03:43.397
You're not her mom.

1367
01:03:43.399 --> 01:03:45.298
What are you... What are you...

1368
01:03:45.300 --> 01:03:46.732
What do you mean?

1369
01:03:48.502 --> 01:03:50.702
We were just singing, David.

1370
01:03:50.704 --> 01:03:53.871
Look, I'm sorry, but
when it comes to Phoebe,

1371
01:03:55.007 --> 01:03:57.941
I get very protective.

1372
01:03:57.943 --> 01:04:00.743
And, you can't just...

1373
01:04:02.847 --> 01:04:04.112
Look, I'm really sorry.

1374
01:04:04.114 --> 01:04:06.380
I didn't know that
that was a thing.

1375
01:04:06.382 --> 01:04:08.748
I'm not trying to, like...

1376
01:04:10.198 --> 01:04:12.518
I guess I didn't know
that that would upset you

1377
01:04:12.520 --> 01:04:14.920
because you don't
actually ever really

1378
01:04:14.922 --> 01:04:17.255
share anything with me.

1379
01:04:34.338 --> 01:04:36.771
Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?

1380
01:04:38.341 --> 01:04:39.940
From your doorman, David.

1381
01:04:39.942 --> 01:04:41.408
Yeah, well.

1382
01:04:41.410 --> 01:04:43.610
I just thought you were
divorced. I had no idea.

1383
01:04:43.612 --> 01:04:45.445
It's just been two years, okay?

1384
01:04:45.447 --> 01:04:47.513
Phoebe's not
ready for all that.

1385
01:04:47.515 --> 01:04:50.649
I have no idea what
it's like to be a parent.

1386
01:04:50.651 --> 01:04:53.852
But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom.

1387
01:04:53.854 --> 01:04:55.253
Look, Alice.

1388
01:04:56.656 --> 01:04:57.821
I can't do this.

1389
01:04:58.990 --> 01:05:00.622
I'm sorry.

1390
01:06:20.898 --> 01:06:24.032
I know I'm not supposed
to need you anymore, but...

1391
01:06:29.339 --> 01:06:30.671
I really do.

1392
01:06:31.707 --> 01:06:32.872
Come here.

1393
01:06:36.944 --> 01:06:41.845
I feel like I don't even
know who I am anymore.

1394
01:06:41.847 --> 01:06:43.379
It's okay.

1395
01:06:49.112 --> 01:06:52.353
I have to warn you, I have this
weird farting thing happening.

1396
01:06:54.156 --> 01:06:57.623
I don't know if it's me, or the baby
farting through me, or what, but...

1397
01:06:59.393 --> 01:07:01.359
Let me see.

1398
01:07:03.496 --> 01:07:05.128
Hi, you stinky little baby.

1399
01:07:08.399 --> 01:07:12.367
You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.

1400
01:07:13.069 --> 01:07:14.835
You need to tell him.

1401
01:07:25.079 --> 01:07:27.012
I love you, monkey.

1402
01:07:27.014 --> 01:07:28.480
I love you.

1403
01:07:37.655 --> 01:07:40.122
Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

1404
01:07:41.225 --> 01:07:43.225
All right, let me guess.

1405
01:07:43.227 --> 01:07:45.560
You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,

1406
01:07:45.562 --> 01:07:46.761
while the rest of us
are out here,

1407
01:07:46.763 --> 01:07:48.195
celebrating
Saint Patrick's Day.

1408
01:07:48.197 --> 01:07:50.230
No. You know what? I'm into it.

1409
01:07:50.232 --> 01:07:52.432
George is an eighth Irish.

1410
01:07:52.434 --> 01:07:54.200
Do you think he'll
like it? Look, I did...

1411
01:07:54.202 --> 01:07:55.568
Yeah.

1412
01:07:55.570 --> 01:07:56.835
Who's George?

1413
01:07:56.837 --> 01:07:58.503
Luce. Hey!

1414
01:07:58.505 --> 01:08:00.137
Oh, there he is!

1415
01:08:01.440 --> 01:08:04.073
That's George?

1416
01:08:04.075 --> 01:08:06.008
Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

1417
01:08:06.010 --> 01:08:07.142
Yes!

1418
01:08:09.445 --> 01:08:10.710
Mmm.

1419
01:09:24.513 --> 01:09:27.013
Hi. Hi.

1420
01:09:27.015 --> 01:09:28.114
It's been forever.

1421
01:09:28.116 --> 01:09:29.276
Yeah.

1422
01:09:30.284 --> 01:09:31.783
Are you here with somebody?

1423
01:09:31.785 --> 01:09:34.652
Oh, no. I'm, I'm, I'm alone.

1424
01:09:34.654 --> 01:09:36.587
I just thought I'd
grab some pancakes,

1425
01:09:36.589 --> 01:09:38.822
'cause I love pancakes.
This was our place.

1426
01:09:38.824 --> 01:09:39.989
Okay.

1427
01:09:39.991 --> 01:09:41.690
What are you doing?
Who are you here with?

1428
01:09:41.692 --> 01:09:42.991
I'm here with my parents.

1429
01:09:42.993 --> 01:09:44.692
Oh, my God.
Here they are.

1430
01:09:44.694 --> 01:09:46.226
- Look who it is.
- Alice!

1431
01:09:46.228 --> 01:09:47.660
- Hi! How are you?
- Oh, my God.

1432
01:09:47.662 --> 01:09:48.994
We're here to celebrate.

1433
01:09:48.996 --> 01:09:50.295
How are you?
It's so good to see you. Hi.

1434
01:09:50.297 --> 01:09:52.730
Josh got into business school.

1435
01:09:52.732 --> 01:09:53.897
What? JOSH: I did.

1436
01:09:53.899 --> 01:09:55.131
It just happened. It's crazy.

1437
01:09:55.133 --> 01:09:56.832
I didn't even know
you wanted to...

1438
01:09:56.834 --> 01:09:57.999
We were just
gonna take a picture.

1439
01:09:58.001 --> 01:09:59.467
Come on, get in here. Oh.

1440
01:09:59.469 --> 01:10:00.901
We're just gonna
take a picture.

1441
01:10:00.903 --> 01:10:02.202
Come on,
come on, get in here.

1442
01:10:02.204 --> 01:10:03.536
- Squeeze in.
- No, no, no!

1443
01:10:03.538 --> 01:10:04.637
Selfie time!
Selfie time. One, two...

1444
01:10:04.639 --> 01:10:05.804
No, I can take one of you guys.

1445
01:10:05.806 --> 01:10:06.838
Three!

1446
01:10:06.840 --> 01:10:09.140
You're better than her.

1447
01:10:09.142 --> 01:10:10.241
Wow. What?

1448
01:10:10.243 --> 01:10:11.642
What? Mom!

1449
01:10:11.644 --> 01:10:13.543
You need to go inside.

1450
01:10:13.545 --> 01:10:14.877
I know you've
said it a million times.

1451
01:10:14.879 --> 01:10:16.511
All right. There you go.
Take her inside,

1452
01:10:16.513 --> 01:10:17.912
and then take her home.
Great to see you again.

1453
01:10:17.914 --> 01:10:19.246
Great to see you. Okay.

1454
01:10:19.248 --> 01:10:20.414
Bye, guys.

1455
01:10:20.416 --> 01:10:21.648
It's great to see you.

1456
01:10:21.650 --> 01:10:22.949
It's great to see you.

1457
01:10:22.951 --> 01:10:23.883
Yeah.

1458
01:10:23.885 --> 01:10:26.085
Okay. Yeah.

1459
01:10:28.689 --> 01:10:30.388
Don't squash my pancakes, man.

1460
01:10:30.390 --> 01:10:31.622
Oh, sorry.

1461
01:10:31.624 --> 01:10:33.023
Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...

1462
01:10:33.025 --> 01:10:34.624
We should hang out soon.
I'll see you around.

1463
01:10:34.626 --> 01:10:36.546
Okay. Okay.

1464
01:10:36.894 --> 01:10:38.093
Bye.

1465
01:11:12.924 --> 01:11:14.323
What the fuck?

1466
01:11:20.497 --> 01:11:21.729
Are you pregnant?

1467
01:11:27.235 --> 01:11:28.300
What?

1468
01:11:30.036 --> 01:11:31.802
I've been trying
to have a baby. Yes.

1469
01:11:31.804 --> 01:11:35.372
I... It's probably
not even going to stick.

1470
01:11:35.374 --> 01:11:37.006
Yeah, I think it stuck.

1471
01:11:37.008 --> 01:11:39.708
Okay, I don't know
what that tone was

1472
01:11:39.710 --> 01:11:42.410
but, if you haven't noticed,

1473
01:11:42.412 --> 01:11:44.178
my boobs have
gotten much bigger.

1474
01:11:44.180 --> 01:11:45.979
Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.

1475
01:11:45.981 --> 01:11:47.814
I put that on
my vision board, okay?

1476
01:11:47.816 --> 01:11:49.248
I thought that was
because of me.

1477
01:11:49.250 --> 01:11:50.282
Who does that?

1478
01:11:50.284 --> 01:11:52.717
I do! People like me,
visionaries!

1479
01:11:52.719 --> 01:11:54.251
Didn't you notice
that I was getting fat?

1480
01:11:54.253 --> 01:11:57.087
That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.

1481
01:11:57.089 --> 01:11:59.122
You are beautiful, you
have always been beautiful,

1482
01:11:59.124 --> 01:12:00.957
and you are
carrying this so well.

1483
01:12:00.959 --> 01:12:02.224
You think?

1484
01:12:02.226 --> 01:12:04.459
Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?

1485
01:12:04.461 --> 01:12:05.927
Oh, my God.

1486
01:12:05.929 --> 01:12:07.995
I think I'm gonna...

1487
01:12:08.964 --> 01:12:10.029
I'm gonna be a dad!

1488
01:12:10.031 --> 01:12:11.230
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

1489
01:12:11.232 --> 01:12:12.831
Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!

1490
01:12:12.833 --> 01:12:15.400
We're gonna be...
Not "dads." We're gonna...

1491
01:12:17.170 --> 01:12:18.536
No, it's not.

1492
01:12:18.538 --> 01:12:21.405
Like, you're not... It's not...

1493
01:12:21.407 --> 01:12:22.873
Is that not mine?

1494
01:12:22.875 --> 01:12:24.107
I'm just pregnant.

1495
01:12:24.109 --> 01:12:25.608
What do you mean,
you're "just pregnant"?

1496
01:12:25.610 --> 01:12:26.909
That's crazy.
How's that possible?

1497
01:12:26.911 --> 01:12:28.210
What?
I said, you're being crazy.

1498
01:12:28.212 --> 01:12:29.811
You've lied to me
the entire time

1499
01:12:29.813 --> 01:12:31.412
we've been together
about being pregnant

1500
01:12:31.414 --> 01:12:32.746
and now you're upset with
me because I believed it?

1501
01:12:32.748 --> 01:12:34.114
That's what a crazy
person does.

1502
01:12:34.116 --> 01:12:37.083
That's three times.

1503
01:12:37.085 --> 01:12:38.217
Say it again.

1504
01:12:38.219 --> 01:12:40.052
I don't know. It just
seems crazy to me.

1505
01:12:40.054 --> 01:12:42.020
I just want to
tell you something.

1506
01:12:42.022 --> 01:12:44.889
Usually, it's a good idea

1507
01:12:44.891 --> 01:12:47.057
not to call
a pregnant woman crazy.

1508
01:12:47.059 --> 01:12:48.758
You know what I mean?

1509
01:12:48.760 --> 01:12:50.292
She's nuts, everybody.

1510
01:12:51.261 --> 01:12:54.028
So funny!

1511
01:12:54.030 --> 01:12:55.496
Oh, sh... Oh, my God!

1512
01:12:55.498 --> 01:12:56.563
Not funny!

1513
01:12:56.565 --> 01:12:58.031
Get it, girl.

1514
01:13:02.303 --> 01:13:04.002
Who is the father?

1515
01:13:04.004 --> 01:13:06.337
I don't know! I don't know.

1516
01:13:06.339 --> 01:13:07.371
How do you not know?

1517
01:13:07.373 --> 01:13:08.739
Stop yelling at me.

1518
01:13:08.741 --> 01:13:09.740
How could you not know
something like that?

1519
01:13:09.742 --> 01:13:11.007
Did you not catch his name?

1520
01:13:11.009 --> 01:13:12.808
I did I.V.F. with
a sperm donor.

1521
01:13:12.810 --> 01:13:14.009
Oh, my God. Okay?

1522
01:13:14.011 --> 01:13:15.543
Do you have
a problem with that?

1523
01:13:15.545 --> 01:13:17.077
I don't have a problem
with that. It's your body.

1524
01:13:17.079 --> 01:13:18.378
Do whatever you
want with your body.

1525
01:13:18.380 --> 01:13:20.079
Cover it in tattoos.
I don't care.

1526
01:13:20.081 --> 01:13:21.547
I think I deserve to know
when there's someone

1527
01:13:21.549 --> 01:13:23.048
living inside the person
I'm having sex with.

1528
01:13:23.050 --> 01:13:24.916
Don't say that. That's gross!

1529
01:13:24.918 --> 01:13:27.218
There is nothing gross
about that. It is beautiful!

1530
01:13:27.220 --> 01:13:29.520
It's not your problem.
Not genetically, okay?

1531
01:13:29.522 --> 01:13:32.189
But my girlfriend
is having a baby.

1532
01:13:32.191 --> 01:13:34.925
Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,

1533
01:13:34.927 --> 01:13:36.660
this is the kind of
thing I need to know.

1534
01:13:36.662 --> 01:13:39.582
What are you gonna do? Stay
home and take care of a baby?

1535
01:13:40.064 --> 01:13:42.030
Did I just win the lottery?

1536
01:13:42.032 --> 01:13:43.931
Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.

1537
01:13:43.933 --> 01:13:47.401
When I was eight years old, my Halloween
costume was a stay-at-home dad.

1538
01:13:47.403 --> 01:13:49.102
You're saying I never
have to go to work again.

1539
01:13:49.104 --> 01:13:50.803
I get to hang out
with a baby all day?

1540
01:13:50.805 --> 01:13:52.437
Just stop saying
the word "baby."

1541
01:13:52.439 --> 01:13:54.839
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!

1542
01:13:55.407 --> 01:13:57.607
Okay, listen.

1543
01:13:57.609 --> 01:14:02.745
You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together

1544
01:14:02.747 --> 01:14:06.115
and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.

1545
01:14:06.117 --> 01:14:08.550
And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired

1546
01:14:08.552 --> 01:14:10.084
and I would hate to do it,

1547
01:14:10.086 --> 01:14:13.253
but I would agree
to let you drive.

1548
01:14:13.255 --> 01:14:15.221
And then,
I would feel very safe,

1549
01:14:15.223 --> 01:14:17.423
and that's when we would crash.

1550
01:14:17.425 --> 01:14:20.892
You think you can control
everything, but you can't.

1551
01:14:21.628 --> 01:14:23.661
That's not how this works.

1552
01:14:23.663 --> 01:14:27.530
If I could choose someone to
do this with, it would be you.

1553
01:14:27.532 --> 01:14:29.031
You can choose!

1554
01:14:29.033 --> 01:14:32.867
I just... I'm not the only
one in the car, anymore.

1555
01:14:36.671 --> 01:14:38.270
Yeah.

1556
01:14:40.007 --> 01:14:43.641
Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.

1557
01:14:43.643 --> 01:14:45.943
This is you pushing me away.

1558
01:15:32.021 --> 01:15:34.021
Daddy? Yeah, babe?

1559
01:15:34.023 --> 01:15:36.456
I want the <i>Eyes of You</i> song.

1560
01:15:36.458 --> 01:15:38.224
<i>Sing it to me.</i>

1561
01:15:39.694 --> 01:15:42.594
Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

1562
01:15:45.632 --> 01:15:46.897
Get some sleep.

1563
01:16:19.860 --> 01:16:22.427
<i>It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now</i>

1564
01:16:22.429 --> 01:16:24.629
and we would have, like, the
cutest little baby daughter

1565
01:16:24.631 --> 01:16:28.532
and she would probably
be named after a fruit.

1566
01:16:28.534 --> 01:16:31.468
What kind of name is
"George," anyway? Right?

1567
01:16:31.470 --> 01:16:33.102
I hate his hair.

1568
01:16:33.104 --> 01:16:36.071
Actually, technically, we would
have a four-year-old daughter,

1569
01:16:36.073 --> 01:16:38.506
in which case,
her name would be Rihanna.

1570
01:16:38.508 --> 01:16:41.075
What? We haven't known
each other four years.

1571
01:16:41.077 --> 01:16:42.676
No, not you. Josh.

1572
01:16:42.678 --> 01:16:44.210
Oh, right, yeah.

1573
01:16:44.212 --> 01:16:46.312
But, exactly. It's the same
thing with me and Lucy.

1574
01:16:46.314 --> 01:16:50.849
It's like, if I go to work, and she's
not there, I'm like mad or something.

1575
01:16:50.851 --> 01:16:54.886
Yeah. Which is nuts, because she's
not completely disgusted by you.

1576
01:16:54.888 --> 01:16:57.588
I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.

1577
01:16:57.590 --> 01:17:00.123
Yeah. I don't know, man.

1578
01:17:00.125 --> 01:17:03.526
Maybe we've just made
all the wrong moves.

1579
01:17:03.528 --> 01:17:06.829
Maybe, this whole time, we've been
focusing on all the wrong stuff

1580
01:17:06.831 --> 01:17:09.565
and now it's just too late.

1581
01:17:09.567 --> 01:17:12.200
<i>To the wrong stuff.</i>

1582
01:17:12.202 --> 01:17:14.668
This is it.
We can't pass "eleven."

1583
01:17:16.104 --> 01:17:17.536
What are you talking about?

1584
01:17:18.472 --> 01:17:20.138
Our drink number.

1585
01:17:20.140 --> 01:17:22.540
In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,

1586
01:17:22.542 --> 01:17:26.743
and if you pass it, you have
to have sex, mathematically.

1587
01:17:26.745 --> 01:17:28.544
Whatever, dude.

1588
01:17:31.547 --> 01:17:33.547
Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

1589
01:17:33.549 --> 01:17:35.749
Wha... Where did
that come from?

1590
01:17:35.751 --> 01:17:38.118
Uh, the floor.

1591
01:17:39.221 --> 01:17:43.055
One, two, three. That's three.

1592
01:17:44.258 --> 01:17:47.592
Four, five, six.

1593
01:17:48.761 --> 01:17:50.160
Seven.

1594
01:17:53.198 --> 01:17:55.264
Eight, nine.

1595
01:18:01.002 --> 01:18:04.169
It's just ten. It's just ten.

1596
01:18:07.874 --> 01:18:09.707
Eleven. Did you drink this?

1597
01:18:09.709 --> 01:18:10.741
No.

1598
01:18:10.743 --> 01:18:11.942
Oh, thank God.

1599
01:18:11.944 --> 01:18:13.310
You did.

1600
01:18:25.856 --> 01:18:27.856
This may be a mistake.

1601
01:18:27.858 --> 01:18:29.691
It's just such a bad idea.

1602
01:18:29.693 --> 01:18:32.326
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.

1603
01:18:32.328 --> 01:18:34.528
Yeah, see, normally, I feel
like I'd be mad at that.

1604
01:18:34.530 --> 01:18:36.563
But I just did the
exact same thing to you.

1605
01:18:36.565 --> 01:18:37.430
Right, yeah.

1606
01:18:37.432 --> 01:18:40.132
Shit. I think I like her.

1607
01:18:41.034 --> 01:18:44.602
Like, when we're together,

1608
01:18:44.604 --> 01:18:48.571
I feel like me, but, like,
a better me.

1609
01:18:51.275 --> 01:18:54.709
See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.

1610
01:18:54.711 --> 01:18:55.776
Yeah.

1611
01:19:00.682 --> 01:19:02.682
I can let myself out.

1612
01:19:35.278 --> 01:19:37.144
Cheers!

1613
01:19:44.352 --> 01:19:46.352
Whoa!

1614
01:19:46.354 --> 01:19:49.954
Alice! Happy Birthday!

1615
01:19:49.956 --> 01:19:51.255
Hi!

1616
01:19:51.257 --> 01:19:52.956
Thank you. What is that?
Give me that.

1617
01:19:52.958 --> 01:19:54.490
Um, this is actually for Meg.

1618
01:19:54.492 --> 01:19:56.325
I had it made for her,
specially.

1619
01:19:57.328 --> 01:19:58.593
Aw...

1620
01:19:58.595 --> 01:20:03.397
That is so sweet.
Look how cozy. Oh.

1621
01:20:03.399 --> 01:20:05.899
Maybe I'll give it to her.
Just, later on.

1622
01:20:05.901 --> 01:20:07.033
Hey!

1623
01:20:07.035 --> 01:20:08.401
No Tom, no Josh,

1624
01:20:08.403 --> 01:20:09.835
I'm just gonna have
a really good time

1625
01:20:09.837 --> 01:20:12.971
and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.

1626
01:20:12.973 --> 01:20:14.906
Here's to no drama.

1627
01:20:14.908 --> 01:20:17.508
No drama. Whoo!

1628
01:20:24.849 --> 01:20:26.815
Happy Birthday!

1629
01:20:35.957 --> 01:20:37.389
Whoo!

1630
01:20:45.464 --> 01:20:46.796
Thanks, buddy.

1631
01:20:49.366 --> 01:20:50.864
I'll show you. This way.

1632
01:20:53.368 --> 01:20:54.734
Oh, my God.

1633
01:20:57.070 --> 01:20:58.335
Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!

1634
01:20:58.337 --> 01:20:59.736
Josh! What's up, man?

1635
01:20:59.738 --> 01:21:01.137
Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!

1636
01:21:01.139 --> 01:21:02.838
I'm just hanging.

1637
01:21:02.840 --> 01:21:05.006
I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.

1638
01:21:05.008 --> 01:21:06.073
Okay, cool. Yeah, man.

1639
01:21:06.075 --> 01:21:07.707
I'm gonna find Alice.

1640
01:21:08.776 --> 01:21:10.375
Tall person.

1641
01:21:13.819 --> 01:21:15.779
<i>We got a whole
"No hats" thing</i>

1642
01:21:15.781 --> 01:21:20.416
but, uh, you seem like
a good guy, and, you know...

1643
01:21:20.418 --> 01:21:22.117
Hey. What's up, guys?

1644
01:21:22.119 --> 01:21:23.960
Hey. Hey. Josh.

1645
01:21:24.579 --> 01:21:25.619
You're Josh?

1646
01:21:25.621 --> 01:21:26.786
What's that supposed to mean?

1647
01:21:26.788 --> 01:21:29.922
No, nothing. Makes total sense.

1648
01:21:29.924 --> 01:21:31.189
Wait, how do you know Alice?

1649
01:21:31.191 --> 01:21:32.790
How do you guys know Alice?

1650
01:21:32.792 --> 01:21:34.191
Oh, fuck me.

1651
01:21:34.193 --> 01:21:35.825
This is Josh.

1652
01:21:35.827 --> 01:21:36.892
Makes sense.

1653
01:21:36.894 --> 01:21:39.394
What? Are you guys
new friends, or...

1654
01:21:43.699 --> 01:21:45.131
Oh, my God.

1655
01:21:45.133 --> 01:21:46.499
Come here.

1656
01:21:46.501 --> 01:21:49.902
Um, Tom is here,
and David, and Josh.

1657
01:21:49.904 --> 01:21:51.570
And David. Did I say David?

1658
01:21:51.572 --> 01:21:53.438
Yeah, I know,
because I invited them.

1659
01:21:53.440 --> 01:21:54.605
You're welcome.

1660
01:21:54.607 --> 01:21:56.006
Why? Why would you do that?

1661
01:21:56.008 --> 01:21:58.842
Because I thought it
would be funny. For me.

1662
01:21:58.844 --> 01:22:03.746
And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.

1663
01:22:07.415 --> 01:22:09.216
Hey. Hey.

1664
01:22:09.218 --> 01:22:10.817
What's going on? How are you?

1665
01:22:10.819 --> 01:22:14.187
Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.

1666
01:22:14.189 --> 01:22:15.221
Great. Me, too.

1667
01:22:15.223 --> 01:22:16.455
You go first.

1668
01:22:16.457 --> 01:22:17.689
I'm getting married.

1669
01:22:17.691 --> 01:22:18.556
What?

1670
01:22:18.558 --> 01:22:20.357
That's, uh...

1671
01:22:21.760 --> 01:22:26.695
Look, your computer
programs are total bullshit.

1672
01:22:26.697 --> 01:22:29.297
Your algorithms? Also,
total bullshit, all right?

1673
01:22:29.299 --> 01:22:32.566
Just because the music stops, doesn't
mean you got to sit in the closest chair.

1674
01:22:32.568 --> 01:22:34.968
You shouldn't be with George.

1675
01:22:34.970 --> 01:22:36.302
You should be with me.

1676
01:22:37.705 --> 01:22:39.705
Yes. I want to be with you.

1677
01:22:39.707 --> 01:22:40.772
What?

1678
01:22:40.774 --> 01:22:42.807
God, all those
bad dates at the bar,

1679
01:22:42.809 --> 01:22:45.409
there was something
that was always there.

1680
01:22:45.778 --> 01:22:46.877
You.

1681
01:22:48.981 --> 01:22:50.213
It was always me.

1682
01:22:50.215 --> 01:22:51.948
Yes. Oh, my God. Right?

1683
01:22:51.950 --> 01:22:53.616
We could have
the best life together.

1684
01:22:53.618 --> 01:22:55.317
And, I mean, we're gonna
want to get married soon

1685
01:22:55.319 --> 01:22:57.919
because we'll probably want
to start a family right away.

1686
01:22:57.921 --> 01:22:58.786
Oh, my God. Our kids.

1687
01:22:58.788 --> 01:23:01.655
Our kids are gonna be so cute.

1688
01:23:01.657 --> 01:23:02.856
Exactly.

1689
01:23:02.858 --> 01:23:06.592
Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes

1690
01:23:06.594 --> 01:23:07.960
and not rush things, you know?

1691
01:23:07.962 --> 01:23:11.796
Let's... Let's take care
of us right now.

1692
01:23:11.798 --> 01:23:13.097
Oh, my God, Tom.

1693
01:23:13.099 --> 01:23:15.032
I'm totally messing with you.

1694
01:23:15.034 --> 01:23:17.000
Thank you. Oh, my God.

1695
01:23:17.002 --> 01:23:18.534
I don't want to be with you.

1696
01:23:18.536 --> 01:23:20.269
And you don't want to
be with me, either.

1697
01:23:20.271 --> 01:23:22.604
Wait. Babe!

1698
01:23:22.606 --> 01:23:24.005
Oh, my God. I saw everything.

1699
01:23:24.007 --> 01:23:26.140
I thought you were
gonna hyperventilate, man.

1700
01:23:26.142 --> 01:23:27.875
But I didn't!

1701
01:23:27.877 --> 01:23:29.243
Oh, Tom.

1702
01:23:29.245 --> 01:23:30.677
Come on. Don't be sad.

1703
01:23:30.679 --> 01:23:32.078
You know what this is?

1704
01:23:32.080 --> 01:23:34.947
This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life

1705
01:23:34.949 --> 01:23:38.283
fighting its way out of the
gravel parking lot of your heart.

1706
01:23:38.285 --> 01:23:40.285
So, congrats.

1707
01:23:40.287 --> 01:23:42.754
That was beautiful.

1708
01:23:42.756 --> 01:23:43.755
Thank you, hon.

1709
01:23:43.757 --> 01:23:45.289
Oh, hang on,
one second.

1710
01:23:45.291 --> 01:23:47.524
Hey, quick, man,
just one last thing.

1711
01:23:47.526 --> 01:23:50.126
Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?

1712
01:23:50.128 --> 01:23:52.294
Or I will straight-up end you.

1713
01:23:52.296 --> 01:23:53.561
Okay. All right. Okay?

1714
01:23:53.563 --> 01:23:54.795
So, just back off. You got it?

1715
01:23:54.797 --> 01:23:56.596
Yeah.
Because I put a ring on that

1716
01:23:56.598 --> 01:23:58.699
and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.

1717
01:23:58.701 --> 01:24:01.234
Okay.
I'm fucking with you, man.

1718
01:24:01.236 --> 01:24:02.335
Cool, okay. No, of course.

1719
01:24:02.337 --> 01:24:04.403
Lucy loves you, I love you.

1720
01:24:04.405 --> 01:24:05.937
We're brothers, now, all right?

1721
01:24:05.939 --> 01:24:09.273
And, as such,
I would like to...

1722
01:24:09.275 --> 01:24:11.008
This is a big one...

1723
01:24:11.010 --> 01:24:13.176
Ask you
to be my best man.

1724
01:24:15.038 --> 01:24:16.278
Yeah, you got it.

1725
01:24:16.280 --> 01:24:17.679
I'm fucking with you, bro!

1726
01:24:17.681 --> 01:24:19.414
Of course, you can't
be my best man.

1727
01:24:19.416 --> 01:24:21.048
You are a stranger to me.

1728
01:24:21.050 --> 01:24:22.315
Okay? Yeah.

1729
01:24:22.317 --> 01:24:24.650
Just to recap, stay the
fuck away from my girl.

1730
01:24:24.652 --> 01:24:26.118
I don't want you
to be my best man.

1731
01:24:26.120 --> 01:24:28.086
We still love you,
you're family.

1732
01:24:28.088 --> 01:24:29.887
You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.

1733
01:24:29.889 --> 01:24:31.021
Okay.

1734
01:24:31.023 --> 01:24:32.922
But, probably not.
So, don't be offended.

1735
01:24:32.924 --> 01:24:34.690
I'm glad we had this talk, man.

1736
01:24:36.460 --> 01:24:38.593
Whoo!

1737
01:24:41.064 --> 01:24:42.129
Whoo!

1738
01:24:44.333 --> 01:24:45.598
<i>Uh...</i>

1739
01:24:46.467 --> 01:24:48.467
You trying to hide from me?

1740
01:24:48.469 --> 01:24:50.936
Are you hiding from me? Hi.
Huh? Hi.

1741
01:24:50.938 --> 01:24:53.338
I didn't see you,
right over there.

1742
01:24:53.340 --> 01:24:54.605
It's a good hiding spot.

1743
01:24:55.274 --> 01:24:57.440
Uh, listen.

1744
01:24:57.442 --> 01:24:58.874
I've been thinking
about you a lot.

1745
01:24:58.876 --> 01:25:01.009
Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

1746
01:25:01.011 --> 01:25:02.443
I can't do this.

1747
01:25:02.445 --> 01:25:05.446
You made it so clear to me,
that you didn't want to, so...

1748
01:25:05.448 --> 01:25:06.980
That's not why
I came here at all.

1749
01:25:06.982 --> 01:25:10.249
I just came here
to apologize to you

1750
01:25:10.251 --> 01:25:12.050
for being such an asshole.

1751
01:25:12.052 --> 01:25:13.151
Oh.

1752
01:25:13.153 --> 01:25:14.318
Yeah.

1753
01:25:16.121 --> 01:25:17.653
Well, you were right
about Phoebe.

1754
01:25:17.655 --> 01:25:19.454
Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

1755
01:25:19.456 --> 01:25:22.323
Well, um, you know,
I'm working on it.

1756
01:25:22.325 --> 01:25:25.392
But, uh, are you okay?

1757
01:25:29.163 --> 01:25:30.595
I'm working on it.

1758
01:25:35.434 --> 01:25:36.966
Happy Birthday.

1759
01:25:51.481 --> 01:25:53.581
See? I told you
this would be fun.

1760
01:25:53.583 --> 01:25:56.016
Although, I thought one of them
was, like, gonna punch each other

1761
01:25:56.018 --> 01:25:57.584
and that hasn't happened yet.

1762
01:25:57.586 --> 01:26:00.153
Robin, this isn't a joke.
This is my life.

1763
01:26:00.155 --> 01:26:02.755
But you know what? I guess you
wouldn't actually understand that,

1764
01:26:02.757 --> 01:26:04.723
because you've
never really cared

1765
01:26:04.725 --> 01:26:06.157
about anybody enough
to ever get hurt.

1766
01:26:06.159 --> 01:26:08.759
So, this type of thing
doesn't affect you.

1767
01:26:08.761 --> 01:26:11.294
Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,

1768
01:26:11.296 --> 01:26:12.495
but who gives a shit about me?

1769
01:26:12.497 --> 01:26:14.129
I do, because you're my friend!

1770
01:26:14.131 --> 01:26:16.798
Am I? Because
as far as I can tell,

1771
01:26:16.800 --> 01:26:19.100
you only ever want to hang out
with me when you get dumped

1772
01:26:19.102 --> 01:26:20.868
and you need someone
to cheer you up.

1773
01:26:20.870 --> 01:26:22.202
Well, you only ever
hang out with me

1774
01:26:22.204 --> 01:26:24.404
when you need me
to be your little sidekick.

1775
01:26:24.406 --> 01:26:28.174
The reason why I don't hang around with
you when you're in a relationship,

1776
01:26:28.176 --> 01:26:33.245
is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.

1777
01:26:33.247 --> 01:26:34.512
Nice.

1778
01:26:34.514 --> 01:26:35.446
Yeah, do you want
some real advice?

1779
01:26:35.448 --> 01:26:36.680
Yeah, what?

1780
01:26:36.682 --> 01:26:38.882
You're not gonna
find the right guy

1781
01:26:38.884 --> 01:26:41.351
by bumming free drinks
and slutting it up.

1782
01:26:41.353 --> 01:26:42.952
Where is this coming from?

1783
01:26:42.954 --> 01:26:44.920
This whole time, you've
been the one that's like,

1784
01:26:44.922 --> 01:26:47.856
"Oh, yeah, parties
and dicks and shots.

1785
01:26:47.858 --> 01:26:50.124
"Let's put shots
all over our bodies."

1786
01:26:50.126 --> 01:26:51.725
"More sparkles, bitch!"

1787
01:26:51.727 --> 01:26:53.927
It's about me
being sick of you just

1788
01:26:53.929 --> 01:26:56.262
meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.

1789
01:26:56.264 --> 01:26:57.396
Falling into their what?

1790
01:26:57.398 --> 01:26:59.197
Their dick-sand.

1791
01:26:59.199 --> 01:27:01.866
It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,

1792
01:27:01.868 --> 01:27:03.801
you just forget
who you are, and,

1793
01:27:03.803 --> 01:27:06.203
like... "Oh!"

1794
01:27:06.205 --> 01:27:08.805
You get sucked
into their world.

1795
01:27:08.807 --> 01:27:10.640
At least when I do
decide I want a boyfriend,

1796
01:27:10.642 --> 01:27:13.209
I'm gonna find someone who
likes me for who I really am,

1797
01:27:13.211 --> 01:27:16.612
because I know
who the fuck that is.

1798
01:28:00.221 --> 01:28:01.486
Hey.

1799
01:28:01.488 --> 01:28:02.887
Oh, my God.

1800
01:28:03.456 --> 01:28:05.155
Happy Birthday.

1801
01:28:06.491 --> 01:28:08.724
It's your birthday!

1802
01:28:09.827 --> 01:28:11.893
And I drank some of your gift.

1803
01:28:20.602 --> 01:28:22.101
You okay?

1804
01:28:26.640 --> 01:28:28.439
No. No.

1805
01:28:35.314 --> 01:28:37.914
God, you look pretty
when you're pissed.

1806
01:28:46.123 --> 01:28:48.256
I missed these.

1807
01:28:51.153 --> 01:28:53.394
What are we doing?
We're about to have sex.

1808
01:28:53.396 --> 01:28:54.477
What?

1809
01:28:55.022 --> 01:28:57.062
God. What?

1810
01:28:57.064 --> 01:29:00.398
So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.

1811
01:29:00.400 --> 01:29:01.899
I shouldn't have let you go.

1812
01:29:03.435 --> 01:29:06.469
Because Michelle
and I are still together,

1813
01:29:06.471 --> 01:29:08.204
and we're actually engaged

1814
01:29:08.206 --> 01:29:10.339
and I feel like we're fucking up.
What? What?

1815
01:29:10.341 --> 01:29:14.142
We're getting married, but I don't
know if I want to do it yet.

1816
01:29:14.144 --> 01:29:15.176
Oh, my God.

1817
01:29:15.178 --> 01:29:17.878
Wait! I'm just telling...
Oh, my God.

1818
01:29:17.880 --> 01:29:19.379
Oh, my God.
Come here, come here.

1819
01:29:19.381 --> 01:29:21.447
You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiance.

1820
01:29:21.449 --> 01:29:24.082
No, it's not cheating, since
we've already been together.

1821
01:29:24.084 --> 01:29:25.950
What are you doing?
Wait, just...

1822
01:29:25.952 --> 01:29:27.484
You told me you missed me!

1823
01:29:27.486 --> 01:29:29.752
I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.

1824
01:29:29.754 --> 01:29:35.423
I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.

1825
01:29:35.425 --> 01:29:37.224
And I just need closure.

1826
01:29:37.226 --> 01:29:38.592
I think we need...
Is that what this...

1827
01:29:38.594 --> 01:29:40.226
This is closure for you? Yeah.

1828
01:29:40.228 --> 01:29:42.194
<i>Just one last screw
for old times' sake,</i>

1829
01:29:42.196 --> 01:29:45.030
before you go and settle
down with somebody else?

1830
01:29:45.032 --> 01:29:46.431
That's not...

1831
01:29:47.567 --> 01:29:50.301
I'm sorry, all right?

1832
01:29:50.303 --> 01:29:51.535
Uh, Alice.

1833
01:29:51.537 --> 01:29:52.669
No, you know, what?

1834
01:29:52.671 --> 01:29:55.271
I'm sorry. This is my fault.

1835
01:29:55.273 --> 01:29:58.073
I spent so much time
wanting you back

1836
01:29:58.075 --> 01:30:00.408
that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,

1837
01:30:00.410 --> 01:30:03.978
it's like I lost
my mind for a second.

1838
01:30:03.980 --> 01:30:05.913
Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.

1839
01:30:05.915 --> 01:30:07.681
I'm falling into your
dick-sand right now.

1840
01:30:07.683 --> 01:30:08.948
What?

1841
01:30:08.950 --> 01:30:09.982
It's like quicksand,
but with dicks.

1842
01:30:09.984 --> 01:30:11.416
I don't have dick-sand.

1843
01:30:11.418 --> 01:30:14.018
I'm so obsessed with
the idea of being in love,

1844
01:30:14.020 --> 01:30:18.455
that I just, it's like...
I completely lose myself.

1845
01:30:18.457 --> 01:30:22.225
Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.

1846
01:30:22.227 --> 01:30:24.193
I'm like the horse
in <i>The Neverending Story.</i>

1847
01:30:24.195 --> 01:30:28.029
I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.

1848
01:30:28.031 --> 01:30:30.897
Josh. I want to be alone.

1849
01:30:32.000 --> 01:30:34.080
I know that
I've said that a lot.

1850
01:30:34.435 --> 01:30:36.435
But, for the first time
in my life,

1851
01:30:36.437 --> 01:30:40.405
I really, really,
truly mean it.

1852
01:30:40.407 --> 01:30:42.907
Congratulations on
your engagement.

1853
01:31:08.732 --> 01:31:10.498
Where to?

1854
01:31:10.500 --> 01:31:11.832
Home.

1855
01:31:13.735 --> 01:31:15.468
I'm going home.

1856
01:31:18.306 --> 01:31:20.606
Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.

1857
01:31:20.608 --> 01:31:24.676
Oh, I'm sorry. Um, can I go
to South Second and Berry?

1858
01:31:30.982 --> 01:31:31.982
Oh, my God!

1859
01:31:33.150 --> 01:31:34.716
Robin? Oh, my God!

1860
01:31:36.152 --> 01:31:37.551
Oh, my God! Are you okay?

1861
01:31:37.553 --> 01:31:39.185
Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!

1862
01:31:39.187 --> 01:31:41.153
What's happening? We got to go.

1863
01:31:41.155 --> 01:31:43.655
Hey!

1864
01:31:45.392 --> 01:31:46.324
Oh, God!

1865
01:31:46.326 --> 01:31:47.725
Oh, my God, it's happening.

1866
01:31:47.727 --> 01:31:49.026
No, no, no. It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine.

1867
01:31:49.028 --> 01:31:49.993
Oh, my God! No, it's fine!

1868
01:31:49.995 --> 01:31:51.461
I got her, I got her.

1869
01:31:51.463 --> 01:31:54.130
The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.

1870
01:31:54.132 --> 01:31:56.899
It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.
It's gonna be fine.

1871
01:31:56.901 --> 01:31:58.166
Okay.

1872
01:31:58.168 --> 01:31:59.667
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

1873
01:31:59.669 --> 01:32:01.468
Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?

1874
01:32:01.470 --> 01:32:02.802
Get a cab. Get me a cab. Okay!

1875
01:32:02.804 --> 01:32:04.136
I've got one!

1876
01:32:05.606 --> 01:32:08.473
Ooh!

1877
01:32:08.475 --> 01:32:10.875
Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!

1878
01:32:12.178 --> 01:32:14.378
This is bad.

1879
01:32:14.746 --> 01:32:15.946
Okay, okay.

1880
01:32:15.948 --> 01:32:16.980
Oh, this is really bad!

1881
01:32:18.350 --> 01:32:20.483
I need to call my
patients and say sorry.

1882
01:32:20.485 --> 01:32:21.550
No.

1883
01:32:22.553 --> 01:32:23.952
This is not natural!

1884
01:32:23.954 --> 01:32:25.053
Okay. Oh, God!

1885
01:32:25.055 --> 01:32:26.654
You're at 10 centimeters,

1886
01:32:26.656 --> 01:32:28.122
and you've already entered
the second phase

1887
01:32:28.124 --> 01:32:29.823
of labor,
known as active labor.

1888
01:32:29.825 --> 01:32:31.391
What?

1889
01:32:31.393 --> 01:32:33.092
I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?

1890
01:32:33.094 --> 01:32:34.393
Yes!

1891
01:32:34.395 --> 01:32:36.194
This is gonna happen,
like, right now.

1892
01:32:36.196 --> 01:32:37.428
Get your foot off my tit.

1893
01:32:37.430 --> 01:32:39.129
Get your foot off my tit, okay?

1894
01:32:39.131 --> 01:32:41.030
It's coming.
You are the cliche!

1895
01:32:41.032 --> 01:32:42.464
You are the lady who's about to

1896
01:32:42.466 --> 01:32:44.132
have a baby in
the back of a taxi

1897
01:32:44.134 --> 01:32:45.333
and I'm the Australian-American

1898
01:32:45.335 --> 01:32:47.201
hero who's gonna
make it happen!

1899
01:32:47.203 --> 01:32:49.136
In the cab, though?
Don't worry, Meg.

1900
01:32:49.138 --> 01:32:50.670
My hands and my mouth have both

1901
01:32:50.672 --> 01:32:52.371
been recently
sterilized by vodka.

1902
01:32:52.373 --> 01:32:54.072
Feels like it's coming out.
No, no, no, no.

1903
01:32:54.074 --> 01:32:55.339
I'm going in.
I'm going in.

1904
01:32:55.341 --> 01:32:56.473
- Chant with me!
- Hold it inside!

1905
01:32:56.475 --> 01:32:58.541
We can do this. Do this.

1906
01:32:58.543 --> 01:33:00.943
We can do this.

1907
01:33:00.945 --> 01:33:02.185
We can do this, we can do this.

1908
01:33:04.347 --> 01:33:05.779
We're here! We're here!

1909
01:33:05.781 --> 01:33:07.480
- Get out. Get out.
- Okay, open the door.

1910
01:33:07.482 --> 01:33:08.981
- Shit, the door's...
- Open the door.

1911
01:33:08.983 --> 01:33:10.148
- It won't open!
- Open the door!

1912
01:33:10.150 --> 01:33:11.582
It won't open! ALICE: The door!

1913
01:33:11.584 --> 01:33:13.784
Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...

1914
01:33:13.786 --> 01:33:16.052
What are you doing?
The door's locked!

1915
01:33:16.054 --> 01:33:17.853
Just open the door!

1916
01:33:17.855 --> 01:33:19.221
It's coming out!

1917
01:33:19.223 --> 01:33:21.656
Robin! Okay,
you have to help her!

1918
01:33:21.658 --> 01:33:23.858
You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?

1919
01:33:23.860 --> 01:33:24.959
- I can't.
- Help her.

1920
01:33:24.961 --> 01:33:26.260
Come on!

1921
01:33:26.262 --> 01:33:28.028
Close your legs really tight.

1922
01:33:28.030 --> 01:33:29.529
Do not let it come out!

1923
01:33:31.099 --> 01:33:32.698
Robin, it was locked!

1924
01:33:33.901 --> 01:33:35.567
Come on!

1925
01:33:37.537 --> 01:33:38.836
Oh! My purse.

1926
01:33:38.838 --> 01:33:40.671
- No, no, no, no! Get inside.
- It's coming out!

1927
01:33:40.673 --> 01:33:42.105
I need a...
We need a wheelchair.

1928
01:33:42.107 --> 01:33:43.639
Jesus. Okay,
don't let it come out!

1929
01:33:43.641 --> 01:33:45.374
It's gonna come out.
Don't let it come out.

1930
01:33:45.376 --> 01:33:46.908
Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
I need to... I need to push.

1931
01:33:46.910 --> 01:33:47.975
It's coming out.
It's coming out.

1932
01:33:47.977 --> 01:33:49.042
Are you coming?

1933
01:33:49.044 --> 01:33:50.977
You don't need me anymore.

1934
01:33:54.047 --> 01:33:56.147
<i>- Okay.
- Oh, God. Okay.</i>

1935
01:33:56.149 --> 01:33:57.948
I'm scared.
I'm right here.

1936
01:34:18.067 --> 01:34:19.366
Hi.

1937
01:34:20.736 --> 01:34:22.235
I called him.

1938
01:34:24.072 --> 01:34:26.472
Look, I know
you don't want me here,

1939
01:34:26.474 --> 01:34:28.474
but just listen to me, okay?

1940
01:34:29.243 --> 01:34:32.410
You like me. A lot.

1941
01:34:32.412 --> 01:34:34.278
<i>And I like you.</i>

1942
01:34:34.280 --> 01:34:36.780
And you're crazy.
That's a fact.

1943
01:34:36.782 --> 01:34:40.883
Honestly, I think you're probably just
as crazy when you're not pregnant.

1944
01:34:40.885 --> 01:34:44.486
But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.

1945
01:34:46.490 --> 01:34:47.589
I love you.

1946
01:34:51.094 --> 01:34:52.726
I'm gonna come back later.

1947
01:34:55.263 --> 01:34:57.029
Thanks. Thanks for calling.

1948
01:34:57.031 --> 01:34:58.263
Don't be weird.

1949
01:34:58.265 --> 01:35:00.832
Oh, thank you, thank...

1950
01:35:00.834 --> 01:35:03.701
Well, are you gonna
come meet her or not?

1951
01:35:03.703 --> 01:35:05.383
Her? Mmm-hmm.

1952
01:35:06.104 --> 01:35:07.670
<i>It's a "her"?</i>

1953
01:35:10.408 --> 01:35:12.741
This is baby Madeline.

1954
01:35:12.743 --> 01:35:15.810
Oh, my God, look at you.

1955
01:35:15.812 --> 01:35:17.645
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

1956
01:35:19.148 --> 01:35:20.747
She's beautiful.

1957
01:35:22.117 --> 01:35:25.852
And I think I love you, too.

1958
01:35:25.854 --> 01:35:28.988
I mean, I do love you, I don't
know why I just said that.

1959
01:35:28.990 --> 01:35:30.456
I really love you.

1960
01:35:30.458 --> 01:35:33.091
I really, really love you.

1961
01:35:33.093 --> 01:35:34.492
I mean, I don't...

1962
01:35:34.494 --> 01:35:37.361
I can totally handle
all of this by myself.

1963
01:35:37.363 --> 01:35:38.695
I'm an independent woman.

1964
01:35:38.697 --> 01:35:40.096
My God, seriously?

1965
01:35:40.098 --> 01:35:41.730
But I don't want to.

1966
01:35:42.232 --> 01:35:43.531
I don't.

1967
01:35:49.805 --> 01:35:51.237
Hi. Mmm.

1968
01:35:52.078 --> 01:35:54.239
Doesn't she look like an alien?

1969
01:35:55.675 --> 01:35:58.742
You are the most beautiful
alien in the world.

1970
01:37:59.487 --> 01:38:00.586
Hi.

1971
01:38:01.188 --> 01:38:02.987
What do you want?

1972
01:38:02.989 --> 01:38:06.156
I wanted to tell you that I know that
I can do a lot of things on my own.

1973
01:38:06.158 --> 01:38:07.490
And I can unzip my own dress,

1974
01:38:07.492 --> 01:38:10.559
but I want you to do it for me.

1975
01:38:10.561 --> 01:38:13.295
That sounded
really weird. Um...

1976
01:38:13.297 --> 01:38:15.297
I want you to watch
me unzip my dress.

1977
01:38:15.299 --> 01:38:17.332
No, sorry.
That sounded really sexual.

1978
01:38:17.334 --> 01:38:18.766
That's not what I meant.

1979
01:38:18.768 --> 01:38:21.468
What I meant is I want to
unzip my own dress

1980
01:38:21.470 --> 01:38:23.536
and I just want you
to be around,

1981
01:38:23.538 --> 01:38:25.637
because you're my best friend.

1982
01:38:27.240 --> 01:38:29.206
And I love you.

1983
01:38:29.208 --> 01:38:32.542
And I'm totally
in love with you, too.

1984
01:38:32.544 --> 01:38:35.278
This is more than
just a friendship.

1985
01:38:35.280 --> 01:38:37.513
I'm so glad
you feel the same way.

1986
01:38:38.883 --> 01:38:40.182
Just joking!

1987
01:38:40.184 --> 01:38:41.783
Oh, my God.

1988
01:38:41.785 --> 01:38:45.186
I got you.
Oh, but I do love you.

1989
01:38:45.188 --> 01:38:46.720
And I missed you. Oh.

1990
01:38:46.722 --> 01:38:49.956
I've been having Alice
withdrawal, seriously.

1991
01:38:52.894 --> 01:38:55.294
Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?

1992
01:38:56.664 --> 01:38:59.231
Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,

1993
01:38:59.233 --> 01:39:01.900
where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?

1994
01:39:02.402 --> 01:39:03.801
Uh, yeah.

1995
01:39:03.803 --> 01:39:05.769
I'm super rich.
Did I not mention that?

1996
01:39:05.771 --> 01:39:07.937
Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?

1997
01:39:07.939 --> 01:39:09.538
Why did you even
work at the firm?

1998
01:39:10.974 --> 01:39:13.374
Wait, why do I pay for
everything all the time?

1999
01:39:14.375 --> 01:39:15.807
Wow.

2000
01:39:15.809 --> 01:39:18.543
Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.

2001
01:39:18.545 --> 01:39:21.712
I just really liked
hanging out with you.

2002
01:39:21.714 --> 01:39:23.780
And screwing those
two security guys.

2003
01:39:23.782 --> 01:39:25.314
Why do have a scooter?

2004
01:39:25.316 --> 01:39:27.049
This is my indoor scooter.

2005
01:39:27.051 --> 01:39:28.583
I have the whole floor.

2006
01:39:28.585 --> 01:39:30.885
I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.

2007
01:39:30.887 --> 01:39:33.287
But that's how you
stay super rich.

2008
01:39:33.489 --> 01:39:34.821
God!

2009
01:39:34.823 --> 01:39:36.322
You have so much
to learn from me, still.

2010
01:39:36.324 --> 01:39:37.823
I want you to be
my sugar-daddy.

2011
01:39:37.825 --> 01:39:40.692
I'll be your sugar-sister.

2012
01:39:40.694 --> 01:39:42.427
I thought you
didn't do breakfast?

2013
01:39:42.429 --> 01:39:44.595
You're ruining it.

2014
01:39:46.799 --> 01:39:50.333
<i>I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,</i>

2015
01:39:50.335 --> 01:39:53.636
<i>is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.</i>

2016
01:39:55.239 --> 01:39:59.406
<i>But, how good at being alone
do we really want to be?</i>

2017
01:39:59.408 --> 01:40:00.807
<i>Isn't there a danger</i>

2018
01:40:00.809 --> 01:40:03.109
<i>that you'll get so good
at being single,</i>

2019
01:40:03.111 --> 01:40:04.810
<i>so set in your ways</i>

2020
01:40:04.812 --> 01:40:06.778
<i>that you'll miss out on the
chance to be with somebody great?</i>

2021
01:40:06.780 --> 01:40:08.646
Hello, hello, hello, hello.

2022
01:40:13.652 --> 01:40:17.153
<i>Some people take baby steps
to settle down.</i>

2023
01:40:23.693 --> 01:40:25.993
<i>Some people refuse
to settle at all.</i>

2024
01:40:31.832 --> 01:40:34.132
<i>Sometimes,
it's not statistics.</i>

2025
01:40:35.101 --> 01:40:37.434
<i>It's just chemistry.</i>

2026
01:40:39.704 --> 01:40:41.870
<i>And sometimes,
just because it is over,</i>

2027
01:40:41.872 --> 01:40:44.972
<i>doesn't mean the love ends.</i>

2028
01:40:46.942 --> 01:40:50.142
Um, I want to talk
to you about your mom.

2029
01:40:51.578 --> 01:40:53.878
She got sick when
you were really little

2030
01:40:53.880 --> 01:40:58.749
and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.

2031
01:40:59.485 --> 01:41:00.750
Every day.

2032
01:41:02.353 --> 01:41:05.853
But, we need to talk about her.

2033
01:41:06.522 --> 01:41:07.787
Who's that?

2034
01:41:08.156 --> 01:41:09.588
Me.

2035
01:41:09.590 --> 01:41:11.022
<i>Who's that?</i>

2036
01:41:11.024 --> 01:41:12.123
Mommy.

2037
01:41:12.125 --> 01:41:13.891
Yeah.

2038
01:41:13.893 --> 01:41:16.193
A lot of good memories in here.

2039
01:41:20.932 --> 01:41:23.098
I want to show you something.

2040
01:41:24.501 --> 01:41:28.603
<i>♪ But if you
feel like I feel ♪</i>

2041
01:41:28.605 --> 01:41:31.706
<i>♪ Please let me know
that it's real ♪</i>

2042
01:41:33.276 --> 01:41:37.678
<i>♪ You're just
too good to be true ♪</i>

2043
01:41:37.680 --> 01:41:40.781
<i>♪ Can't take my
eyes off of you ♪</i>

2044
01:41:40.783 --> 01:41:43.183
The <i>Eyes of You</i> song.

2045
01:41:44.719 --> 01:41:47.186
The <i>Eyes of You</i> song.

2046
01:41:52.525 --> 01:41:54.791
<i>♪ I love you, baby ♪</i>

2047
01:41:54.793 --> 01:41:57.426
<i>♪ And
if it's quite all right ♪</i>

2048
01:41:57.428 --> 01:41:59.561
<i>♪ I need you, baby ♪</i>

2049
01:41:59.563 --> 01:42:01.462
<i>♪ To warm the lonely nights ♪</i>

2050
01:42:01.464 --> 01:42:03.764
<i>♪ I love you, baby ♪</i>

2051
01:42:03.766 --> 01:42:07.667
<i>♪ Trust in me when I say ♪</i>

2052
01:42:07.669 --> 01:42:10.069
<i>♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪</i>

2053
01:42:10.071 --> 01:42:12.271
<i>♪ Don't bring me down I pray ♪</i>

2054
01:42:12.273 --> 01:42:13.705
<i>♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪</i>

2055
01:42:15.008 --> 01:42:17.141
Now I know
why you never sing.

2056
01:42:17.143 --> 01:42:18.275
Why?

2057
01:42:18.277 --> 01:42:22.279
Because your voice is so bad.

2058
01:42:22.281 --> 01:42:25.482
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.

2059
01:42:25.484 --> 01:42:30.687
<i>The thing about being
single is, you should cherish it.</i>

2060
01:42:30.689 --> 01:42:32.488
<i>Because, in a week,</i>

2061
01:42:32.490 --> 01:42:35.691
<i>or a lifetime, of being alone,</i>

2062
01:42:35.693 --> 01:42:38.193
<i>you may only get one moment.</i>

2063
01:42:42.698 --> 01:42:44.898
<i>One moment,
when you're not tied up</i>

2064
01:42:44.900 --> 01:42:47.901
<i>in a relationship with anyone.</i>

2065
01:42:47.903 --> 01:42:51.871
<i>A parent, a pet,
a sibling, a friend.</i>

2066
01:43:01.014 --> 01:43:04.115
<i>One moment, when you
stand on your own.</i>

2067
01:43:07.987 --> 01:43:10.487
<i>Really, truly single.</i>

2068
01:43:19.197 --> 01:43:20.329
<i>And then,</i>

2069
01:43:24.134 --> 01:43:25.932
<i>it's gone.</i>

2069
01:43:26.305 --> 01:43:32.198
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