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- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!
Hee, can I open this?
Do you like it?
- Yeah, do you like yours? - Yeah.
Do you like yours?
Yeah. Are you sure?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, cool.
Okay.
Knocky knock, hey.
You coming to the monthly happy hour tonight?
I invited everyone but Scott, so... you don't have to worry.
Why would you do something like that?
He's gonna think I asked you to do that.
Oh, because you still love him?
Nope, I just don't want to keep talking about him.
Because you still love him.
- Hmm, that's not it again. - Oh, okay.
But... anyway I can't go tonight. Linda's having us over.
Oh yeah, that's right, your surprise party.
Oh my god, I totally just said that, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
Oopsie!
Krystal: It's okay.
I already knew.
Well, don't tell Linda that I told you, okay?
- Oh yeah. - Anyway, you look really good.
Scott's gonna be jealous like super soon.
- Thank you. - Okay, have fun tonight, bye!
Okay.
- Donny: Hey, Ted. - Hey, Donny.
I'm really sorry, man.
I didn't really have time to go home and get my checkbook.
Hmm, again, huh?
Yeah, anyway, is it okay if I pay you next week?
Totally, don't even worry about it.
- Thanks. - Donny: It's totally awesome.
- Right on. - Thanks, Ted.
Hey, happy birthday.
Thanks, dad.
Hey, mom and I got you a couple things.
Okay, talk about it later.
Hey, guys.
The thing that these... Have in common here is that...
Ah, we don't really know.
If events worldwide were an animal,
what animal would we be?
Black cat! I mean, Jaguar!
I'll take Jaguar.
Hey.
Hi, Linda.
You and Donny coming tonight?
Yep, you told me a year ago.
Yeah, don't come right at seven.
Come at like... 7:05.
Okay, 7:05.
Just knock on the door right at 7:05,
because...
I'm busy before that.
Okay, sounds good.
Dean: This is why we're losing money.
Happy birthdays-es you guys.
Surprise!
Wow, that's really weird.
You put us in a heart?
You're one person in my heart.
It was cheaper for one graphic.
Blow them out!
Let's drink.
I mean, eat the cake and then let's drink.
Linda: Oh, that's perfect.
Taquito time!
Whatever happened with that piano competition
you were doing? You were gonna go on tour... or something?
Ivy, I told you.
- He didn't win. - Oh.
Wrenn: Don't make him feel bad about not winning.
It's okay.
- Ivy: I hit a nerve. - Yes, you did, jeez.
Rubbing it in his face that he lost, sorry.
Actually, I found a manager, anyway.
- Ivy: Oh! - That's great!
So, sorry, but how long do you try?
Do you keep trying, right?
Cause you could be doing that forever
and never reap the fruits.
I have to talk to you about something.
Absolutely not. If you talk about work right now,
I'm gonna put a bullet in my brain.
I don't want to talk about work.
I want you to meet someone.
No, just 'cause of the way you said that I can't.
Trust me. I know what I'm talking about.
- No. - I've been divorced twice.
Antioxidants, anyway...
Who is that?
Linda: Oh my god, he's right here, Craig!
- Oh, god. - What?
I know Craig. Hi, Craig. How are you?
I started that new diet like you said
and went to subway and got one sandwich.
Yep, subway diet.
But then I went home and ordered a pizza.
Eh, it happens.
Then I had a tub of Ben and Jerry's.
Sounds like you're doing good.
With chocolate sauce.
All right, maybe you should just give up
and kind of enjoy you're at your best now.
What do you say?
She's right.
And I think, by the way, beautiful,
that you're following your passion, but at what cost?
Until you quit, right?
Or not quit, but find other avenues for... um, success?
- Well, I think that's... - Yeah, we don't know, right?
That's why I got a business degree.
She did.
- And I'm so thankful for it. - Ugh, me too.
Because, see, whereas you are so specialized you only,
got a degree in music, if that makes any sense,
whereas I kind of have mobility.
But it's good about the manager, anyways.
That's a light at the end of the tunnel.
It really is, yeah.
I guess, for you at this point.
I'm just thinking, thinking, got it.
I just remembered I have a friend
who studied tuba in school and now he's making
all the music for iPhone commercials.
We could slip his number to you
if and when the manager doesn't really pan out.
He's always looking for interns
and he is, of course... Much younger than you are.
Would that be weird, no?
Wrenn: You could work for a 16-year-old, right?
- He's gorgeous. - Oh...
- I agree. - And very strict.
Do you mind if I cut your face?
Oh my god, oh.
- Ah, that's funny. - Oh, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it, oop, oop, oop. Oh, I did it.
Sorry, face.
That's funny.
Uh, you come here a lot?
- What do you mean, the house? - Mm-hmm.
No, Marina invited me.
- Did you meet online? - No, I don't do online dating.
Oh yeah, no, me neither. I've never even heard of that.
I, uh, just made it up.
Oh.
You look just like my grandpa's old neighbor, Gus.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's uncanny.
Is Gus, like, 70?
- Nope, he's dead. - Oh, wow, perfect, thank you.
Yeah, he was the best though.
He made his own salt water Taffy.
- Oh, Taffy, nice. - Yeah.
- Yeah, good old, old Taffy Gus. - Krystal: Yeah.
That is, uh, sounds a lot creepier
than I thought it was gonna sound. Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, uh-oh. - Uh-oh, what?
Oh, I think I have to save my brother from like a...
Probably a terrible conversation.
- What do you mean? - Uh, well, it's kind of weird.
We have a codeword for, like, party emergencies.
- You have a codeword? - Krystal: Mm-hmm.
Oh, cool, so you guys are, like, in third grade?
Ah, well, twins don't age so...
Who are you?
Oh, hey, I'm Andy.
- Krystal. - It's, uh, nice to meet you.
Sorry about the frosting.
Oh, yeah, you have really dry hands.
Andy: Thanks.
Ivy: Can I give you some advice?
Wrenn: You're gonna love it.
Go home, right now.
Dispose of half of what you own.
Do it.
Is that your brother?
Mm-hmm, he looks sad.
That's the first thing I noticed about him,
this deep, unfathomable sadness.
Holding back, you are holding back.
Mm-hmm.
He's a good-looking dude.
Hmm.
Thanks for saving me.
I think that was gonna go on another two hours.
No problem, that's the worst.
Andy's an art teacher and he's reading the hobbit in German.
- Yeah. - What's it called in German?
It's just called the hobbit.
There's no German word for hobbit.
Donny: Makes sense.
Um, how do you like teaching?
'Cause I teach piano and I hate it.
Oh, I love it.
I teach elementary now, but I used to teach high school,
"but, uh, there was this one like 6'5" kid,
and, uh, I told him to go to detention and he was like,
"fuck detention," and then he stabbed me with a protractor.
Yikes.
No, no, no, it was cool though I just...
I just went back and beat the shit out of him.
Hmm.
I'm kidding.
I haven't actually, uh, attacked a child.
He was really big, but, yeah, I was fine.
And now I teach elementary school,
which is the little kids.
They're still stronger than me,
but I'm taller so... That gives me the advantage.
Donny: Nice.
Yeah, uh, so your sister was telling me
that you guys are designing a website?
Yeah, it's a website where you post
fat pictures of your ex-boyfriends.
Yeah, it's a green initiative.
Krystal: We wanted to do something paperless.
Oh, okay, so what you're telling me
is that I should never date either of you, ever.
Well, I don't think we're gonna use it.
We're just making it.
Just designing it.
Actually, my friend Glenn builds websites for a living.
Yeah, he just sold his digital agency.
He's doing this mobile photo booth thing now,
but he's throwing a party.
You guys should, uh... You guys should come.
Yeah, that sounds awesome, thanks.
That sounds awesome, mm-hmm.
Andy: I know it's like really hard building a business.
Furby's are selling for a hundred bucks a pop
in Thailand right now.
They're status symbols.
That's depressing.
Mint condition or can it be gently loved?
Ah, shit... I got to go.
I'm, uh, looking after some chickens down the road.
I gotta go turn the lamps on.
- Wow, all right. - Okay.
But we will call you about your website friend.
Yeah, we'll do a group text thing.
- All of us. - Donny: Yeah.
Okay, cool, uh, it was great meeting you guys.
Group text me.
Bye, Andy!
It almost makes me nervous, like, how relaxed Andy is.
Like, what aren't you telling us?
Oh, I know.
- He's like a yes person. - Mm-hmm.
- Scott was a no person. - Mm-hmm.
Remember when he was like, "I'll come to your birthday,
but I tend to have more fun with my friends."
- God, fuck. - Yuck.
The worst.
Do you think Andy spends a lot of time on his hair?
No, I think he just wakes up looking good, every time.
But... I think he drinks a lot of water, like, just, a lot.
- Just really hydrated. - Really well hydrated.
Really, like I think he just, like,
a backpack of coconut waters all the time.
Mm-hmm.
- Like, the face. You can tell. - No, I can tell.
The face is filled with hydration.
I can tell by looking at him.
Mm-hmm, but I don't know.
Oh, I wanted to show you this thing.
I was thinking after we finish recip-easy,
we should go to that motel we saw that time,
the one with all the themed rooms.
You know what I'm talking about?
And like we can just like go for a week,
and like stay in a different room like every night.
Whimsical lodging.
Yeah, it won't be that whimsical
- 'cause we're gonna plan it... - Oh, the forest room.
Yeah, no, they're all ugly on purpose.
Like, that's the whole thing.
- Yeah, I remember, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
I kind of want to like do the Titanic
or like the... You know, any of these.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we should totally do it.
I got to go to bed. You got to take that away.
Okay.
- Take it away. - Me too.
I can't eat any more of this.
- I got to go. - All right.
Goodnight.
I'm just gonna have one more bite actually,
but then I'll go.
Good night!
Krystal: What are you doing here?
Char: Brought your b-day gifts!
So I got this idea I want you to roll around in your noodle.
My friend, Kelly, my nurse friend, Kelly,
on our days off, we go junkin'.
You would not believe
what people donate to the goodwill.
What is all that?
So now, I got a basement full of antiques.
So I'm downstairs, thinking,
"how can I turn this into a cash cow?"
You know, buy low, sell high kind of thing?
Now I'm driving down the street and I notice at the gym...
- You know, the gym by my house? - Mm-hmm.
Right next to it is, "space for rent."
So I just whip in there, and I'm sitting there
in the car contemplating the potential,
when, boom, I have this epiphany.
I'm gonna open a juicery.
'Cause how hard can it be?
So then I'm envisioning these sweaty people
coming out of the gym, so they come in
and that's the hook, 'cause when they come in,
I'm gonna have all my antiques there.
But I got a name for it.
It's gonna be called first fruits.
It's biblical, you know.
It's six A.M., six in the morning.
I haven't told your dad yet. He's just gonna shit.
Oh, boy.
Char: They're feminine.
That's what men like.
They like feminine and pretty.
- Thank you. - You're welcome. Donny?
Oh, wow.
It's a bow tie.
It's not one of those clippies. It's a real bow tie.
You're gonna have to learn how to tie it.
It's for when Saul gets you your first gig.
- Thanks, mom. - So what you need to do Donny,
every day, you need to get up,
you need to put that bowtie on,
and that sends the universe a message
that you are ready for prosperity.
Okay.
Did I tell you guys about that special
I watched on national geographic the other day on pythons?
What?
This python grabbed this monkey, and I swear to god,
the monkey's eyeballs were about to pop out.
That sounds terrible.
Well, Krystal...
It's the circle of life.
It's all about perspective.
So anyway, I gotta bounce,
but I think I'm really on to something
with this first fruits.
And I'm coming into the next chapter of my life.
So, give me a kiss goodbye.
- Bye. - Char: Bye.
Bye, Donny.
I'm a little worried Andy's inviting us
so his website friend can steal our ideas.
What do you think?
What?
That's crazy.
Maybe he can help us build them finally.
Yeah, that is crazy.
I guess I'm not as trusting.
Andy doesn't seem like the kind
of person that would do that anyway.
No, definitely not.
Krystal: All right, but just in case,
let's only tell him about recip-easy.
Okay.
Hello, hi, I have that shirt in plum.
Andy: Hey, buddy.
You brought two people. That's fun.
Come on in. Here's your money.
I'll see if there's enough.
Hey, is that shirt new?
- Uh-huh. - I like it.
Now, is there a limit to the items we can buy
and can we see the items first?
No, that's not how it works.
Bart married Glenn and Susan and he also does auctions.
Yeah, and pet parties.
Yeah, is that like a package deal?
No, but it does bring in repeat business. Just kidding.
What's happening here?
We're clearing the toxic items from Glenn's home.
Susan decamped for India last year.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
She just left all her stuff?
As far as I can tell, she took her paintbrushes
and a microdermabrasion kit, so...
Everything else is... Pretty much up for grabs.
Jeez.
Oh, he doesn't need it. He's rich.
I don't need it. I don't care.
I'll just redo the whole thing. I'll just... redo it.
Yeah, you need to get a fresh start, Glenn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but okay, where is that sweater
that Susan got from Fran Drescher
after the nanny premiere?
Ooh.
I don't think we have that. Okay, you guys ready?
Spend your money wisely because
we got a lot of treasures here, okay?
First item up is, oh, it's an expensive one.
We have, uh, the earrings.
Glenn's wife wore while cheating on Glenn.
Wow, off to a blazing start.
Five dollars.
25, I'll let you borrow them.
Why are you bidding on earrings?
I'm making a tie-tack.
Oh!
- 25. - Sold.
Next item up is this nice peach blazer.
Size medium.
Lovely.
Hey, can I ask you a weird question?
Is Andy dating anyone, like a girlfriend?
Even like a boyfriend, maybe?
Actually, I think he's dated both, but no one right now.
Okay, sorry about your wife by the way.
Man, that's bad news.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, also, we have a business idea
to talk to you about, um, later.
I know now's not good, but another time.
- Okay. - Cool.
Okay, last item, this Espresso maker.
It's got... It's an Espresso maker.
I am so tired of this game.
I'll put in a five.
Okay, fine, sold.
Krystal: We need an Espresso maker.
Donny: That's true, we do.
Bart: One last thing.
Finally... this.
Ugh, where'd you get that awful thing?
How can you give that away?
I'm gonna paint him something else, like a hawk or a wolf.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was your wedding present.
It's fine, he doesn't want the painting.
It's a constant reminder of failure and heartbreak.
Why would he want it?
Wow, thanks, Bart.
Sorry, well, obviously everybody wants this,
so who's got the most money left?
Donny hasn't spent any of his cash.
I'd like to return the Espresso maker.
Can I get that money back?
Mm-mm, no refunds.
You should take it.
Are you sure? I feel kind of bad.
- Andy: Yeah. - Not really my taste.
Okay, I'd love to have it. Amazing.
Donny: I have an Andy painting now.
Laser: Yay!
Wait, your last name's not Warhol, is it?
Bart: Stupid.
Andy: Uh, I like to put it on everything.
- Ketchup. - Yes!
Uh, okay, okay, ooh, this is my least favorite thing ever.
People that wear sandals with dirty feet?
Uh, yes, but no.
- Sports. - Yes!
Um, um, um, I really, I want to, I want to eat a...
- Taco! - Yes, yeah!
How'd you know that?
I just said want I wanted to eat.
Taco, we won.
Glenn: Uh, it's better if you close the curtain.
Yeah, sorry, it's hard to fit.
We can fit.
- I think this is a... - We can fit.
I'm pretty sure this is a two-person.
- No, we can fit. - Yeah, okay.
We can fit.
Andy: Oh yeah, it sends them to your phone, too.
See?
Why didn't we think of this?
I don't know.
You carry your own pen?
Andy: Oh, yeah.
I don't like ballpoints.
I only use felt tips.
It's better for keeping the photo okay.
Donny: All right, oh, boy.
Andy: A little lower, lower, okay.
- Donny: Can you get it? - Andy: There you go.
Andy: All right.
- Nope, it's not. - Shit, okay.
Okay, let's move a little bit, so you can get in.
Donny: Okay.
Thanks.
Maybe you ought to reconsider the painting purchase.
I mean, it's kind of big.
Oh, no I never leave a party
without taking at least one painting, so...
Are you sure that I can have this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you bought it.
Have it.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
- Good to see you. - Yeah.
- Come here. - Oh.
Good to see ya.
Krystal: Bye.
- See ya. - Bye, okay.
- Thanks again! - Bye, thanks again!
You got to organize some of this.
You just start putting up...
I don't even know where it is anymore.
- Donny: It's a vision board. - This is a vision board...
Donny: It doesn't have to be organized.
- Some of them are tasks. - It doesn't have to be.
The whole time I thought it was tasks.
I didn't know it was visions. That's why I'm pinning up tasks.
Some, like, most of the things...
What the hell is this?
So what happened the other night?
You didn't call me.
I did call you.
You should think about getting voicemail.
Nope, I haven't turned it back on
since Steve left me that ugly message.
"Hi, Linda, you ruined Christmas.
This is Steve."
Did I tell you what he said to me yesterday?
Yikes, no what?
I went to pick up Frankie 'cause,
you know, he has to be on lockdown,
and Steve looked at me and said,
"Linda, you look like absolute fucking shit.
Please go to the bathroom and do your hair."
Wow, that's really mean.
Linda: Yeah, can you believe that?
What'd ya say?
I roundhouse kicked him.
You what?
I roundhouse kicked him, with my Tori Burch's
right in his balls and I said, "fuck you, Steve!"
- Wow. - Yeah.
So where'd you go? Did you go out?
We went to his friend's house.
Shut up.
That's where we went.
Well just remember, if not you then who?
Okay, we'll see.
Linda: I don't know.
He looks like he knows he's good-looking.
I think he's using you.
I don't really know what he'd be using me for.
I don't really have a lot going on right now.
Just wait. "I work a lot."
I have to go to my uncle's to cook fish.
Did you feed my dog a bunch of fudge?
"He's dead."
Next thing you know, he's slashing your tires
if he's anything like Steve.
Why would this person be anything like Steve?
I don't know.
I have to go sit with Dale.
His wife left him and I think he might have melanoma.
Jesus, really?
Yep, big mole on his neck.
See ya later.
Dale!
Randi: Cheese, bitch.
Oh my god.
What are you doing?
That's gonna be such a great pic.
Don't you love Polaroids?
Oh.
Why would you do that?
Well, you're the only one eating the cheeseburgers,
and I don't want Dale to feel bad
'cause he's the one that brought the cheeseburgers,
and there are no pictures of anyone eating them, so...
His wife is leaving him
and I think he's getting fired tomorrow.
Please don't put that up.
Oh, quit being such a whore. It's gonna be such a cute pic.
I think it'll make Scott really jealous.
Oh, b-t-dubs, he's been checking you out during lunch.
I think you guys are gonna get back together.
Why, did he say something?
Randi: I don't know.
We were decorating for the holiday of hearts
and he said that you guys didn't have anything in common,
like when you guys were together,
like for the whole entire time and that it was
definitely for the best, like 100% no looking back,
but I think he might be pushing down his feelings.
People change, you know?
Anyway, I told him that you miss him so much
that it's like insane and that you guys are soulmates.
I think he bought it.
M'Kay, that's my day.
Randi: Like, her mouth is so big,
the largest a mouth could be open.
It's like taking up the whole entire Polaroid.
Scott: The burger?
Not bad.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
So, uh... what's the next step?
Uh, we send it to ray.
And ray is your friend at the record label, right?
Yeah, I told you about ray?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, you said that he's, well,
signed basically everyone I've ever listened to, so...
Yeah, yeah, you're gonna be great.
Would you mind if I hang on to your car another few days?
I still got some errands to run.
Yeah, no, I don't mind.
You're sending my tape to a record label.
The least I could do is let you borrow my car for another day.
You're right.
Sorry, so when do we send it?
I'm thinking about that.
I think that your... Uh, runs on that
third movement could be, uh... crisper.
Crisper.
Even crisper.
Maybe give that another try and then we'll send it.
You know what? Actually, I just remembered, um...
I have to do something today and I need my car back today.
Um... if that's okay.
Well, I can't meet with ray
if I don't have a car, so...
It's up to you.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are we doing tonight?
Maybe we should see what Andy's up to?
Yeah, actually, um...
I'm meeting him after work for a drink.
- You should come. Oh, where?
Uh, this new wine bar right by my work.
Oh, what time are we meeting?
Um, well I'm meeting him like right now,
like right after work, so I'm kind of worried,
like if you tried to meet up with us,
I'm just worried we would be done by then, um...
Yeah, it's pretty far on the bus, so...
Krystal: Well, I'll just be there for a little while
and then I'll see you at home.
We can work on the website tonight.
Yeah, okay.
All right, that sounds good.
Uh, tell Andy I say hi.
Krystal: Okay, bye.
Bye.
- Andy: Hey, how are ya? - Good, how are you?
I didn't know you wore glasses.
Oh, yeah, I'm blind as a bat.
So is your whole family like artsy or just you?
Nope, they're actually all cops.
All of 'em, they're all cops?
Not to brag or anything, but I do like to dabble in it.
I want to make at least one citizen's arrest in my lifetime.
What? So you just like arrest anybody, anytime?
Anyone, anyone.
Wow.
Yeah, so how's... How's your website going?
The website, oh, the website's great.
Yep, very good.
- Oh, great, good. - Yeah.
You got a chance to talk to Glenn then?
Oh, no, no, there was no time, really.
You should come hang out with us sometime.
They all dig ya, you know?
Oh, they were so nice. That'd be really fun.
Should we... Should we order another round?
Sure, sounds good.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh my god, these stools are, like,
even higher than before, aren't they?
You really got to, like, get up there.
Oh, wow, strong pour on this one.
Yeah, they really did it, uh?
Krystal: Wow.
Uh, so you like want to order any food or...
This is a weird menu.
Catfish tacos?
I have a catfish story.
My grandma packed up all the lamps
in her house and just drove off once,
because my grandpa invited the whole family over
for a catfish fry and didn't tell her.
But the worst part is that because there was no lights,
they forgot to turn the fryer off,
and five hours after we went to bed,
the whole house caught on fire, whole thing.
Did you put it out?
Oh no, burned right down to the ground, just dust.
Andy: Oh my god.
- Oh yeah. - That's horrible.
It is horrible.
What did your grandma say about it?
Grandma?
Oh, we never saw her again. She never came back.
Never saw her again.
Oh my god, that's a terrible story.
Yeah, it is terrible, but it's the truth, so there you go.
Uh, this is weird.
Uh, my uncle's house burned down when I was ten.
No way.
Yeah, ceiling fan just exploded, just Crazy.
Do you think my grandma burned down your uncle's house?
Actually, yeah, I think it was her.
That makes a lot of sense.
That's crazy.
We're like soulmates.
We... I mean, we're friends
and any friends can turn into soulmates.
It just... you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, friend soulmates, uh, friendmates.
Oh.
- Oh, sorry, I just, um... - Andy: What, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, no, my shoes fell off.
- I just got to get... - Your shoe fell off?
Yeah, my shoes fell off my feet.
I gotta get them back on my feet. That's it.
Just gonna, oh my god, these stools.
Ridiculous, you know, just really tall.
Just ridiculous.
These stools are...
All right, um...
Can we get the check?
Oh, I already got it.
- Oh, when? - Andy: Oh, a while ago.
You already paid?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, I paid a while ago.
Okay, I see. There it is, yes. Um...
You could have told me if you were ready to go.
No, that's not why I paid.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Andy: Okay.
Well, I guess it's getting pretty late.
Yep, tick-tock, uh, we will go.
Time to get back to the palace
and I am turning into a pumpkin, so, okay?
- What? - Should we go?
Oh, uh, uh, yeah, sure.
Just, here we go!
Andy: Oh, oh, okay, yeah.
Krystal: One last time off of these, okay.
Well, thanks for hanging out, I guess.
Yeah, of course, thanks for coming.
Yeah, thanks.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Well, uh... let me know
if you want to hang out again, I guess.
All right, bye.
- Okay, umm... - Krystal: Bye.
- Bye! - Krystal: Bye.
What do you mean your shoes fell off?
They fell off my feet at the table.
Sounds like you were drunk.
No, I wasn't. I had two glasses.
Oh, boy.
Krystal: What?
I got poison Ivy.
What?
Yep, there it is, all over the vagina.
God, mom.
How did that happen?
Well I've been gardening all morning,
and poison Ivy is just in the air, it's on the ground.
You sit on the ground, it goes in your pants.
Then it just goes where it wants.
I'll just have to call my doctor.
Like, "hey, I'm gonna need some prednisone",
for poison Ivy on the puss."
I don't know what to do.
Well, who is this person anyway?
Has Donny approved of him?
And does he have health insurance?
Um, I don't know.
He's really nice, like, really super nice.
So he hasn't said,
"oh, you don't fit in with my crossfit team,"
or "why don't you die your hair red?"
No.
Good, because that guy was the worst.
Yeah, I'm aware.
No, this person's completely different.
He's, like, the nicest person I've ever met.
Then don't text him and don't call him.
For how long?
Oh, I gotta go. Dad's really mad, yeah.
Okay, all right, bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
Donny: You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just tired for some reason.
We should work tonight.
We should work on all of our projects.
Um, yeah, actually, Andy and I
are going to this art show tonight.
You're going to an art show?
Mm-hmm.
Um, do you want to come?
That's okay.
Uh, you guys go ahead.
Well, I'll text you
if we go somewhere else, if you want to come.
Okay.
Andy: I thought it was funny.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, that poor guy.
That guy?
No, what about all those people
he was thanking, like his parents.
Oh, I know. Oh god, it was horrible.
- It's terrible. - It was so bad.
Uh, anyway, not what I was expecting.
Yeah.
Um... oh, sorry I...
Uh, couldn't make it out the other night by the way.
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Um, did you guys have fun?
Yeah, I mean, I thought we did.
I, um, found out that my manager
may or may not be doing anything.
- Oh, no, what... - Just nothing.
- What's going on? - Uh, I don't know.
Do you want to do some shots?
'Cause I think they're a dollar tonight.
Uh... yeah
- okay. - I do.
Okay.
Duh.
- Linda: Hello? - Hey.
What's up, girly?
Not much, what are you up to?
Making pizza.
Krystal: What? What kind?
Uh... snickers.
I'm making a snickers pizza.
Really?
Well, can I get in on that, or?
Nah, I don't know.
I think it's only big enough for me and Frankie.
Oh, well, do you want to hang out later?
Why?
What do you mean, why?
What happened with Andy?
Nothing happened with Andy.
Nothing's happening with Andy.
He didn't call you?
No.
Do you have fraudulent charges?
Krystal: What, no, I'm not calling about Andy!
I think you should check anyway.
Where's Donny?
I don't know.
Oh.
So you're saying you're definitely busy, or...?
Yeah.
- I love fireball! - Ugh, I hate fireball.
What, are you kidding?
It's delicious and it makes your breath smell good.
Ah, okay, uh-huh.
Yeah!
No, nope, I cannot do that.
Ah, what?
- I can't do it! - What?
- No, I... - What?
I had the worst hangover on this. I can't, I'll puke.
No, hey, uh, did you know?
Smell, yeah, causes more memories
than all the other senses combined.
- Smell? - Uh-huh.
Okay, let's do it.
Your breath does smell great.
- Oh, thank you! - Yeah, it smells really good.
- That's really nice. - Yeah.
Donny: So, uh, Saturday?
- Oh, yeah. Saturday. - See you Saturday?
Definitely Saturday.
- Okay. - It will be super fun.
Cool, yeah, it'll be super fun.
- Mm-hmm. - Um...
- Donny: Okay. - Okay.
All right, I'll see you then.
- Okay, I'll see ya, bye. - Okay, bye.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
See ya, bye.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing?
Sleeping.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep on your floor?
Okay, bring some blankets.
Hey.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. How was your date with Andy?
It was good.
I really like him.
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah, it was really fun.
Do you think I'll ever meet anyone?
Of course you will.
I wish we would've enjoyed our birthdays more.
I just wish I wouldn't have wasted
so much of my life with Scott.
You didn't waste your life.
It wasn't that much time.
Remember when we said that we were gonna live
on the same street, next to each other, in mansions?
Do you think that's still true?
Of course I do.
Hey, do you want me to stop talking to Andy?
No, that's crazy.
Okay.
He invited us to go see this band play this weekend.
It's right next to that hotel that we saw,
the one with all the themed rooms, remember?
And I told him we should stay there.
Do you want to come?
Sure.
I don't want to stay here by myself.
Damn it.
Krystal: Donny, what are you doing?
Nothing, you can come in.
I didn't know what to pack.
Did you get a haircut?
Yeah, I was just ready for a new look.
Oh, I like it.
I'm just used to seeing you with the same one you've had forever.
What's that box?
Something I got for Andy.
Oh, what for? Did he get you something?
Nope.
That's really nice.
Okay.
What do you guys want to listen to?
Donny: Uh, I don't know.
What was that stuff you were playing the other day?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.
Donny: Oh, yeah, so good.
- Right? - Yeah.
What song is this? I love this.
Donny, what'd you say, Donny?
What... What are you guys talking about?
You want to see a vista?
Who wants to see a vista?
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Hey.
I'm really glad you met Andy.
Thanks, me too.
He's like the nicest person I've ever met.
Yeah, I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
Krystal: Hello?
I don't know our room number!
Wow, nice.
I can see why they call it the forest room.
Oh, look.
Maybe we should check out
some of these places while we're here.
Oh, yeah, I heard about this.
- They got great barbecue, yeah. - Oh, wow.
- Krystal: What am I doing here? - What?
Oh, nothing.
Just making bad life choices, that's it, just nothing...
This is great!
Um, I'm gonna head down to the front desk.
Um... you want to meet me down there?
Okay, we'll see you down there in a minute.
Okay.
I'll be out in a minute.
Krystal: Are you almost ready?
Donny: You guys go ahead. I'll catch up.
I don't want to go without you. I'll just wait for you.
Do you need help with your bow tie?
No, I can do it.
Krystal: Maybe you shouldn't wear it.
Why?
'Cause it doesn't matter.
Andy's gonna like you either way.
Well, I want to wear it and I don't want you to have to wait.
Fine, we'll see you down there.
I like that we sort of match, sort of.
I mean, okay, yeah.
Like a little bit.
- A little bit, maybe. - Yeah.
Um, sorry, I tried to get Donny to come.
He didn't want you to have to wait though.
It's okay. I'm fine.
Totally fine.
So, what's... what's been up with ya?
I've been thinking about running a lot.
Running?
Mm-hmm, I'm thinking about running a marathon.
Well, like a full marathon, like the full 26 miles?
Yeah, the full thing.
You know it's a lot of training,
but that's something you can... do alone.
And, you know, it's pretty rewarding,
fills all your time, and I also saw a meet-up group online.
Get together with other alone people
and just, like, eat cheese and crackers,
and, like, talk about, like, exotic fish and stuff.
It should be good.
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Yeah, well, you know, I think I just...
I really gotta meet some other people besides Linda.
I also was looking into tiger training.
- Wow! - Krystal: Yeah.
That sounds dangerous.
I guess. I think it just depends where you go.
Okay, well, it sounds like you
got all your plans set up then.
I think so. Yeah, I'm pretty set.
Okay, well...
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry...
- Oh. - For whatever I did.
No, you didn't do anything. I... I totally understand.
Okay.
You know, I'm really glad you guys let me come.
Like, I didn't want to stay home alone.
Well, I mean, if you want, like,
Glenn's throwing this wine thing
and then afterwards we're going to this brewery.
You should come!
- That sounds fun. - It is fun!
We do it every year. It's a blast, it's awesome.
Yeah, well, I'll ask Donny, or I guess you can.
You can ask him now.
Okay, sure, yeah, I guess... If you want to come,
and Donny wants to come, if that's what you want, yeah.
Donny can come, if that's what you want.
I'll check my schedule and stuff.
Oh, well... You're just inviting me?
Um... yeah?
Whoa.
I was just kind of hoping that...
Maybe you and me could maybe
spend some more alone time again.
I mean, only if that's what you want.
Yeah, that sounds good.
Hi.
I'm really sorry about the other night.
There's... there's been some, like, weird confusion,
and um, this is super embarrassing.
Um...
The only reason, or, sort of the only reason
that I came on this trip
was that I was hoping to see you again.
Really?
I just, I thought, I didn't think you liked me.
I just, like, acted really weird and then...
No, no, you didn't.
You didn't act weird.
Maybe we can just like... Just forget everything and...
Yeah, that sounds good.
You're actually talking to the only person in high school
that did not play a single sport.
I did. I was on the swim team. I was like the slowest person.
- What? - Yeah.
I was, like, basically not even on the team.
I was like the mascot. It was the worst.
Okay, um, do you want another drink?
Oh, no, I think I'm okay.
I think I'm gonna get another drink before the show starts.
- Okay. - Okay.
Shit, uh, you think Donny's okay, right?
Oh, yeah, I think, yeah.
Yeah? Like he's just a perfectionist.
He's probably just taking his time getting ready.
You think he's okay though, right?
I think he'll be fine.
- Okay, I'll be right back. - Okay.
Hey.
That's really cute.
Thanks.
What's going on?
We can't talk to Andy anymore.
What, why?
He's crazy.
What? What are you talking about, why?
He's an asshole. We can't talk to him anymore.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Andy: Krystal, are you in there?
Don't answer it.
I have to let him in.
No, Donny, you don't.
What did he say to you?
I don't want to talk about it!
Why won't you tell me? This is really weird.
How many times have I texted you the code word?
I wouldn't have sent it if I wasn't serious.
I know, but...
Andy: Guys, what's going on?
Krystal.
Donny, don't answer it.
Well, what do you want to do?
We should probably leave.
I don't know how we're gonna do that
because he drove us here, so...
We'll take the bus!
I'm not leaving. I don't want to leave.
Krystal: We have to.
We can't stay here with this person. He's not nice.
Donny: I like Andy, okay?
I'm not leaving.
I'm sorry. I'm opening the door.
Fine, but if you do that, I'm leaving.
Are you serious? It was that bad?
Krystal: Yes, I'm telling you.
Andy: All right, I'm gonna head back to the show.
Fine.
Let's take a bus then.
Herman, go to sleep. You're making me sad.
God.
Come on, Herman, take a shit.
You're five years old and you're still scared to go potty.
How was your weekend?
It was fine, how was yours?
Good, I got a new car.
It's a Mitsubishi.
That's nice.
Did you see, Andy? What's wrong?
Nope, we're not talking to Andy anymore.
What do you mean?
Didn't work out.
Are you crying?
No.
Krystal: Yeah, you are. You're crying.
I just thought he was the one for you, you know?
You did?
I mean, you were saying horrible things about him the whole time.
Jesus, calm down.
I feel really bad.
I know how painful this, that this is.
I'm fine.
I gotta lie down.
I feel better.
Okay.
You know, when Steve divorced me,
I went to Arby's every day for three months.
I was scared for a minute,
but he's finally walking again this week.
Did I tell you?
Krystal: Why couldn't he walk?
Because of the roundhouse kick.
What, you thought I was kidding?
Yeah, kind of.
You want to tell me that I taught middle-school tae Bo
for seven years, and I can't deliver a nutcracker?
Think again.
I did not know you did that.
You should do some.
It makes you feel better.
Watch.
What?
This is how I kicked Steve.
You have to pivot on the roundhouse, like this.
You should put your hip to the target.
It's like this, like this, like this.
Usually your hands are here if you're defending yourself,
but if you're not, you just get momentum, like this!
That was a good hit. It feels good.
But, and, you, like, this!
- Do you want my car? - What?
- It's a Mitsubishi. - You'll like it.
I hate working here.
I saw some creative things posted online.
I think I'm gonna apply.
Fine.
Do what you want.
I'm really proud of you.
Maybe you can still come to lunch and learn, though.
Me, you, and Craig.
Maybe.
Probably not.
Hey, don't worry.
It gets better.
Thank you.
Oh, man.
Didn't think you were home, Saul,
cause I didn't see my car outside.
I still need it for a bit.
Okay, is it parked on the street or something?
Yeah.
All right, well...
I'm definitely gonna need it back today.
Who?
Oh, no, I was just saying I...
I definitely need my car back today.
Who's that?
What?
I called them.
I called all of them.
Ray was a fruitcake!
Saul?
Hi, babe, what are you doing here?
It's a really bad day.
Well, I ordered pizza.
Hey.
Why don't you guys go to the park, take a walk?
I'm not going to the fucking park.
Well, Krystal, it's well-documented
that exercise relieves stress.
Look at me.
I took that class for yoga for all body types.
I got enough serotonin to fill the room.
Besides, it's not like you have Hodgkin's.
You have a job.
Donny's manager died today.
Saul died?
Yep, worst part, he lost Donny's car.
Drove it off and couldn't remember where.
So there you go, Krystal.
You're always complaining about working for a software company,
'cause it's not creative enough.
Have you applied for anything else?
Nope.
If you don't like your job, quit.
I told ya, you could do anything you wanted.
Please stop saying that.
This is why I've been delusional my whole life.
Why did you say we could be anything we wanted?
Oh, I'm such a terrible mother.
What I meant was...
I would pay for it.
Why did you say we were better than all of our boyfriends?
They're all married and going to law school now.
This is why we're never gonna meet anyone good.
Well, you're not lonely enough to meet someone.
You spend all your time together.
I don't want to hang out with myself.
Char: Well, you'll figure it out.
This has been a pleasant dinner.
Narrator: The cunning python waits patiently
for the spider monkey in this grassy knoll.
Narrator: There he goes.
I'm so sorry about Saul.
I didn't even know he was that old.
Well, he was like a hundred, so...
I mean, what did I think was happening there?
Well, it always seemed a little weird, I guess.
Why didn't you ever say something then?
Krystal: I don't know.
You seemed really excited about working with him.
What did Andy say to you?
Just seems really weird that he would...
Be so nice and then...
Did he say something about me?
I mean, I just know you really liked him.
I just, I don't think he felt the same way.
I just didn't want you to get your feelings hurt.
I keep thinking of all these things I wanted to say.
Well, I'm sorry.
I mean, I just don't ever want to see you sad.
But, I'm still sad.
All right, well...
No more lying to each other.
Yeah, I know.
Recip-easy sucks.
I'm thinking about getting my own apartment.
You want to move out?
I think I should.
Hey.
- Hey. - Sorry I can't help you.
I just gotta go to work.
It's okay.
I think I can get it. It's not that far.
Yeah, man, it's gonna be weird
not seeing you all the time though.
I know.
But seriously, it's not that far.
Yeah.
Man, but what if you're busy, and I need to talk to you,
and I don't know what you're doing?
Well, I guess we can call each other.
Yeah, that's true.
All right.
- That sucked. - Kid: Fuck you!
You should quit. There's no point.
Kid: Duh!
Ah, these kids nowadays, man.
They just don't have the Patience for piano.
I know. I totally get it. It's okay.
Yeah, it's like they just want to do video games and hockey.
Mm-hmm, yep, I totally get it.
It's like a dying art.
Hmm, mm-hmm, yep, mm-hmm, yes, it is.
Anyway, I'll mail you the last check, man.
I'm really sorry. Just, uh, give me a couple days.
No worries, it's all good.
Okay, thanks, Ted.
- Bye bye, then. - Bye.
Hey, it's me.
Uh, just got home from work.
Just wanted to call and see how your new place is.
Just, uh... give me a call whenever you get this.
All right.
Hey, it's me again.
Um, just calling to see what you're doing.
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
I brought you some cookies.
Aw, man, you shouldn't have.
What have you been up to?
Scott: Same old.
Oh, I see.
Well, I just wanted to... Uh, come by.
I mean, it would be nice
if we didn't have to avoid each other at work.
Yeah, I hate that.
I heard you and Randi are dating.
No, no, no, no, no, she just follows me around,
won't leave me alone.
No, my girlfriend's in London.
Oh, I didn't even know you had a girlfriend.
How long have you been dating?
Yeah, we met online.
Not a dating website, obviously.
But, uh, we get each other.
That's, uh, London.
I mean, man, that must be hard, like, not seeing each other?
No, it's okay.
Neither one of us really want to get married,
and, uh, we're kind of okay just being alone.
Okay, interesting.
Scott: So, what's the deal with Donny?
He's fine. Uh, he moved out.
He got his own apartment, actually.
Seriously?
What are you gonna do now, just gonna sit at home,
have parties by yourself with Herman?
I thought you and Donny were like Siamese twins.
I mean, I'm thinking about saving money and redecorating,
now that it's just my space.
You need some money?
No, why... I have money.
You sound just like my girlfriend.
She never lets me send her any money.
Okay, um, well, I'm glad you're doing well.
I mean, maybe next week we could go to lunch.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Why?
I mean, it's super cool that you stopped by,
but I don't want you to think that you can just
come over here whenever you want.
You invited me.
Yeah, well, okay, you called me out of the blue,
and I didn't really think
that you'd be staying here this long.
And I got other plans tonight.
Krystal: Oh.
Hey, hey, get off me!
Jesus.
Scott: Hey, hey, get out of here!
- What are you doing? - Get off of me!
What does it look like I'm doing?
Jesus, what's wrong with you?
What the fuck do you think is wrong with me?
I mean, you come over, you're asking me all these questions,
like you're interrogating me, like you want to run my life.
I said that you could stop by,
but then you're bringing the dog over like we're friends.
All of this, this is why you fuck every...
What the fuck is wr...
Stop throwing cookies in my fucking apartment.
- What's wrong with you? - I fucking hate you.
Off my face!
What the hell was that?
What the fuck was that?
Hey, where were you? I tried calling you.
No, sorry, I was calling you.
I have to tell you something
and you have to promise not to tell anyone.
- What? - Okay, this is really bad,
but I just beat the shit out of Scott.
You what?
I roundhouse kicked him and I threw puppy cookies in his face.
Oh my god.
I'm really worried that he's gonna call the police,
and I'm gonna go to jail forever.
I don't think he's gonna tell the police
his ex-girlfriend threw puppy cookies in his face.
That's pretty embarrassing.
Yeah, you're right. Okay, I feel better.
Good, now, it's done.
Hey, do you want to meet up in like 15 minutes?
We should go to that tapas place.
It's the one with all those old doorknobs.
I kind of hate that place.
What, I thought you loved it.
Sort of.
Krystal: All right, let's just meet up in like 15 minutes.
- Hey. - Hey.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
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