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Santa you know, you keep staring, you better give her a tip.
This ain't no free peep show.
Mother hey!
Santa you know what that means.
Santa course you can take a picture with Santa
just go tell mom it's gonna cost twenty bucks.
Tara welcome to Mr. beavers.
Shopper idiot, watch where you're going.
Cashier welcome to Mr. beavers
[door bell rings welcome to Mr. beavers
what?
Pictures with Santa's over there.
Dave oh, no. I'm Dave.
I'm starting tonight.
Are you asking me or are you telling me?
I'm supposed to meet Jack.
Try the vending machines.
Okay.
Is it...
Female newscaster ho, ho, hold your horse gift givers. There's still time
to buy presents with many retailers staying open late
on Christmas Eve to cash in on last minute shoppers.
Male newscaster speaking of cashing in, police are looking for two men who
robbed an armored car this afternoon.
Male newscaster police say these men are armed and dangerous.
Anyone with information on the so called Santa hat bandits
is urged to contact the crime stoppers hotline.
Jack ahhhhhh!
Jack ah! Ah!
Jack what do you want?
Pictures with Santa's out there.
Dave uh no, umm, I'm Dave.
I start work here tonight.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Sorry buddy.
Right.
I get a little, little upset when I don't get my fritter.
Dave right.
And this machine... Just like my ex.
Jack took my money and didn't give me no pie.
Huh.
These things are gonna be the death of me anyway.
You want something?
No I'm, I'm good thank you.
You're good? They make you start on Christmas Eve
because shit fucker Mitch bails on us and you're good?
Well the bills have been pilling up right. What can I do?
Tell them go fuck themselves man.
That's what i would have done.
Man fuck this place. This place sucks.
Aren't you the assistant manager?
Oh yeah man, I am.
But I'm just here for the money.
I come here every day, every single day.
Ready to blow my fucking brains out.
I even got a special bullet picked out just for the job.
Hollow point.
I'm just messin' with you man.
Over here's Tara.
Yo' Tara...
Jack Tara...
What?
This is Dave. The new guy.
We already met,
in a near glorious moment at this very register.
Don't be a bitch tera. It's his first night.
Save it till we're sure he's staying,
then do the queen super bitch thing.
Whatever.
Dave what are you reading.
Oh, it's really good. It's called, um,
none of your fucking business by leave me the fuck alone.
Ever heard of it?
I stopped going to school
like after two years. I mean i want to be an actress so what
good is like math and science and Greek theater anyway?
You know?
And then I got diagnosed with anxiety disorder so
I had to start taking Xanax, like, a lot. And
that kept me from going back to school.
Jack she can't help it, being a bitch and all.
She's got like some chick disease in her 'wawa'
Jack takes pills and shit.
Dave I'm sorry did you say a chick disease in her wawa?
What does that mean?
Totes don't know bro, just what I heard.
Hmm. I mean I fucked her and I'm alright.
Oh, do you guys have health insurance?
Because my script kind of ran out and,
I would totally blow someone for a Xanax right now.
Okay.
Jack no. No, no, no. No cell phones allowed in the store man.
Boss man will take that from you lickity split
if he finds you with it.
Seriously?
We had uh, an incident here,not too long ago.
We call it the uh, "great Mr. beavers iPhone fuck up"
basically it involved somebody, won't name names,
takin' a shit in a display toilet,
snap a cell phone picture. Bamm! Instagram, Twitter,
hashtag Mr. beaver's display toilet hell.
Went viral; Got like a million hits.
Anyway, corporate found out, they yanked our cell phones.
That's... that's horrible.
I know right. What right does that give them to
yank our cell phone privileges
fucking fascist man.
What no, no, no. Someone actually took a shit,
in this display toilet.
Dude, yeah that happens like three times a week.
No seriously, little kids, the homeless, elderly people.
I've even dropped a deuce in it before.
You take a shit in the store?
Not our toilets. I'm talkin' like lowes, or home depot
no. No I was not fired from home depot.
Okay, who told you that? O'tooney? He's full of shit.
I left on my own volition to pursue other opportunities.
Look I was falsely accused of shitting in a display toilet.
That's it. I left on my own. It had nothing to do with that.
Boss hired a rent-a-clause for Christmas. Barbie was my idea.
Dave she seems a little under dressed for Christmas.
Jack oh, yeah.
Santa ho, ho, ho
here comes Santa
now, why don't you be a good girl... I'd like to give her a kiss on her camel toe.
Jack you're hired.
Barbie what really I got the job?
Oh my god I'm so excited.
When do I start? I want to start right now.
Yaay... wait!
Hold up pal...
Do I get to keep my tips or do i have to split them with Santa?
Jack you can keep the tip.
Yo, black Jack.
Black Jack what the fuck do you want man?
Jack this here's Jackson Porter
we call him black Jack because...
Obviously...
Can you believe this is the assistant manager?
He thinks he's really clever. What are you
writing in your book? Some of your wack black Jack raps?
Man fuck you white bread.
I'll slit yo' damn throat.
Whatever man yeah I'm good with all that. That's no problem
cause I'm so big and strong, but i ain't yo' house nigga though.
A'ight so don't be puttin me on that heavy liftin and shit
all the damn time.
That's what I did at the other fucking store
and I didn't come here to do that shit.
No lackey work for me.
Get ya' own nigga for that shit. You know what I'm sayin'?
Dave so he's a writer?
Jack what because of his scribble pad? No.
He's writin'' his ghetto ass gansta' life
prison logic in there.
You don't know that he could be working on a book
or some poetry.
And besides, if he rips you like that,
why don't you guys just fire him?
Because our manager, Mr. kipper,
is the biggest most pathetic pussy
in the entire history of big pussies ever.
And he's terrified of that black bastard.
In fact I'm pretty sure he's terrified of all the coloreds.
Oh I uh, don't think we refer to them as that anymore.
We do here.
Mr. kipper we do here what?
Mr. kipper? Ha, ha, oh!
I was just tellin' the new guy here what a tight ship you run.
Oh, well then please. Keep talking.
Uh Dave, uh barns, welcome aboard.
It's so good to have you on my tight little ship.
Uh Jack, once you've shown him around,
send him up to the office alright.
There it is.
Oh my god dude, how gay was that?
In, in what way?
I don't mean gay like offensively gay.
I mean gay like he wants to
lick the perspiration off your ass hole gay.
Oh. Uh, the real gay way. Yeah no I got it.
Jack!
Otto did you leave those fritter wrappers by that paint can
that spilled all over the filling cabinet? Yes or no boy.
Jack uh no man, of course not.
My weaknesses?
What in the hell kind of question is that?
Are you talkin about my disability caused by some
fucking towel head who shot an rpg up my ass during my fourth
combat mission killing no good cock suckin' camel fuckin'
terrorist in Iraq while you were in college
suckin' off your liberal no good hippie professor
at your communist lovin' college
in upstate my daddy's a rich prick bought me a Porsche
can't afford to pay his taxes that would fund the fuckin'
veteran's hospital that would fix my leg so I could
kick you in your fuckin' teeth right now?
That disability?
Hey this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave this is Otto, he's our store... maintenance guy.
New soldier huh?
You look good son. Fit, I like that.
I'm the tactical maintenance team leader which means
I extract and destroy all the shit these dickwads leave behind
every time they traipse through my store.
What? What are you laughing at boy?
That funny? That funny to you?
You like dumpin' paint toxins all over the place?
The same brain degenerating paint toxins that bin ladin
dumped on my ass back in 2005
after I killed his herd of goats he liked to fuck. Huh?
That's why I'm blind in one eye boy.
Sorry... about the blindness and all.
We got some important orientation stuff to do,
so if you'll excuse us.
Oh do you? Do you? So we're just...
Do you? Yeah.
Well you make sure this dumb fuck right here
that he knows the difference between methyl butyl hexane
two and six because what I bet your dumb ass doesn't know,
is it is easily confused for dichlor ethane
which is what I used on Saddam when I water boarded his ass.
Made his dick fall off. Who's laughin now fucks?
Who's laughin now? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I think that guy's got a serious case of PTSD.
How bout you say thank you soldier, god bless America?
And tell me when i fuckin' start.
This is the hydraulic crane.
Do not tough the hydraulic crane until you get certified. Ever.
Wow. This thing is awesome.
This thing is like a deadly weapon around here.
Alright. I- osha takes this shit serious.
I take this shit serious.
Okay, you touch this without getting certified.
You get fired. Or killed.
Crushed to death before you even know what happened.
I'm for real man. Big time danger.
Dude lost an arm first time I was here.
Who?
Kipper fuckin freaks out over this thing 16 times a day.
Ah!
Dave where are we going?
Jack up to see the boss.
Hey, are you cool?
About the elevator?
No man are you cool cool
what do you mean?
Do you do weed?
I've done some landscaping
no man pot.
No, no, no, no.
You're gonna have to start if you want to be cool here.
Jack shhh! Where are you going?
Follow me. Come on.
Dave what is this?
Old crawl space. No body knows its up here.
Pharms, you up here?
Jack this is Dave, the new guy.
Dave oh, no, I'm good thank you.
Pharms marijuana is the only way to escape
the drudgery of this place.
Plus this is some real good sinsemilla.
What's this one?
Oh. Its a new mix I'm working on.
I call it sour purple turbo.
Oh yeah. Try it.
Keep it down, he'll hear you.
Arms up. Up in the air.
Pharms it's, uh, tetrahydrocannabinol and diacetylmorphine.
Basically weed and heroin.
Pharms party foul.
Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What is that?
Pharms bucky the beaver.
Our idol.
I liberated him from the corporate office
on a peyote induced vision quest.
Now he resides here, watching over and protecting us.
We do not offend bucky.
So any party foul committed in his presence
must be apologized for.
Jack alright.
And penance paid.
I was gonna get a fritter later.
We offer to bucky so he may forgive us our party fouls.
And shield us from our misery and torment.
Sorry bucky.
Dave guys, if its so miserable here, why don't you just quit?
I figure kipper's only gonna' last so long
before he gets fired for soliciting sex from
underaged boys online.
Then they'll make me manager.
He has sex with underaged boys, here?
I don't know, it's just a theory.
I keep watching that to catch a predator show waitin to see him.
I get to experiment with chemicals all day.
Do you have any idea, the street value of this stuff?
Do I use illegal drugs now?
Do you mean illegal federally or more on a state level?
Because I can take the drug test
I would just need about thirty days to you know study for it.
Mr. kipper Jack will show you the ropes. He's my second in command.
You'll see we have a strong mutual respect for each other.
I run a good, solid crew here.
Otto, the two Jacks, terra.
She used to have a bit of a substance abuse issue.
But, I'm happy to say, we nipped that problem in the bud.
Now she's a model employee.
We're a team. We help each other.
So I need you to do somethin' for me.
Relax kiddo.
I just need to get your measurements.
Let's start with your shirt and penis size.
I'm sorry what?
Uh, pants size. Sorry. Damn auto correct.
So how big are you?
Pants. And shirt.
Oh, um, thirty four long. Uh, medium shirt maybe.
Ah, Dave.
We need to look our best around here.
So we need exact specifications for our uniforms.
It's no big deal.
I'll just take your measurements on your shoulder.
And let me know if I make you feel uncomfortable in any way.
Dave okay.
Mr. kipper Dave, you're so tense.
It's, uh, first day jitters. I'm a little nervous.
Mr. kipper oh, no need for that.
Just think of me as your friendly uncle.
So you're thirty four in slack. No jeans? Because I can measure.
No, nope I'm good I got it yeah.
Okay. Alright then.
Oh. Cell phone.
You'll need to check that in with me.
Come on, whip it out.
Come on get that out. Come on.
Thank you.
Mr. kipper there's nothing to worry about.
It's safe in here, and no one can steal it.
See.
Oh and no one's gonna look through it for any
sexting pictures you may have left on it. Huh?
I, uh... Ha ha ha, come on.
Mr. kipper oh, uh I need you to go downstairs and
move a tool crib on aisle 12.
Get someone to help you down there. Alight.
First assignment. Go on... yeah.
Black Jack damn I think the wheels are stuck.
Dave lift it.
Shit!
Fuckin' thing is heavy.
It's the heaviest thing I've ever lifted.
Fuck!
Mr. kipper ummm... problem?
Kipper this thing's- is slippery.
What's the matter?
Fuck it. Man I'll tell you bout it later.
Okay?
Jack, assistance on aisle 12.
This is your ship's captain speaking.
Mr. - ah, yeah.
Mr. kipper you take that end.
Dave if you get on bottom, I'll be on top.
Mr. kipper oh. Ah. Alright somethin' funny is goin' on here.
Maybe we should open that darn thing up.
What's the matter?
We'll see? Theft perhaps.
What?
Mr. kipper do any of you know this gentleman?
Sir, are you okay?
I think he's dead, Mr. kipper
Jack, could you please gather everyone together
for an impromptu store meeting. Thank you very much.
Your attention please.
All employees report to aisle 12.
That's the flooring aisle...
The one with the dead body...
Jack wonder what's in the bag.
Black Jack don't touch it man.
Why not?
Black Jack look when the cops get here
they need this place un-fucked with. Don't touch it.
I can un-zip the bag enough that it won't fuck it all up.
Okay smart ass. When the cops get here, be sure and tell them
that I said not to touch anything.
Black Jack go ahead.
Whatever. New guy, grab it.
Dave what? I'm not touchin' that thing.
Jack why not he's dead. He's not gonna grab you.
Jack get it.
Fine.
Ah!
Jack scary...
Hey! You do not laugh at assistant management.
Uh..
Jack oh!
Merry Christmas.
Black Jack oh shit.
Jack Christmas black Jack no, no, no...
Put that shit back man. Zip this bitch back up.
Put this shit back.
Hey man, put this shit back and close this up.
Put it back. Put it back. Put it back. Put it back.
Put it back!
You see how much is here?
Put this shit back. Open it up.
Black Jack this is not some good shit. You mother fuckers sittin here
laughin and shit like it's Christmas time.
Jack this is great.
Fuck. In what book? This ain't good.
Oh Jesus.
Otto sit rep boys.
Dave i don't know what aisle they have the chairs in.
Otto situation report asshole.
Oh lord Jesus. Man down. Man down.
Man down. Medical, medic on aisle 12.
Medic on aisle 12, medic,medic. We need a medic over here.
Yeah we figured it out Otto. He's dead.
This man is dead when i say he is dead son.
This man's dead.
Otto who the fuck is he?
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Well where's kipper?
I don't know.
Black Jack i tell you what. I'm callin' the cops.
Jack hey, hey, hey, not so fast my chocolate faced friend.
Black Jack hey, motherfucker.
You say one more thing to me man
you will not be opening Christmas presents tomorrow.
Otto Jackson, go get Mr. kipper.
We need everyone here right now.
We need to keep this area centralized.
We need to keep it contained and free of all contaminants.
Who's the stiff?
We don't know.
Okay well, goodnight everyone. Merry Christmas.
Happy hanukkah. Good kwanza.
Stay right here pharms. You ain't goin' no where son.
It's nearly ten. I'm off.
Consider it hazardous duty pay.
Pfff.
Mr. kippler. Are you okay?
I'm fine. Drink?
No man. I don't think you should be drinkin' right now.
The cops will be here in a little bit.
I'm just a bit nervie.
Black Jack look we all are.
But we need to get back down stairs and get through this.
Mr. kippler alright.
Black Jack hey yo what the fuck are you doin'?
Jack what?
Black Jack the fuck you mean what? The money. I told you
not to touch anything.
Jack do you know how much is here?
Black Jack man I don't care how much is there.
This ain't your shit to mess with man. The fuck
is wrong with you?
Hey this ain't kumbayah around here Dr. king.
This money's ours for hte takin'
you mean to tell me you can't use some of this to
get up out's the ghetto
or maybe buy momma's a house?
Santa i don't know that's a lot of fuckin' money.
Hey, just shut the fuck up Santa.
Ain't nobody even talkin' to you.
Jack hey I don't know what crawled up your black ass Jack,
but hear me now man, the money there for the takin'
man fuck you.
Oh am I Jamaican you mad?
This money buy a lot of Spears in Africa.
Bitch!
Fuckin' retard.
Mr. kipper did you see that?
I think we all saw that.
So fuckin' fire him.
He punched me.
Oh come on. He punched me in the face. I'm the assistant manager.
The store's closed. You're off duty.
You okay Jack?
Here throw some glue on that. Field dress it boy!
I'm not okay.
Okay, I got punched in the face.
And you didn't do shit.
You'll be sorry. You'll all be sorry.
Hey look ya'll. Go ahead and get all the crazy ideas
and shit out ya' head right now.
This money belongs to this dead dude, and we are not takin' it.
Otto damn right. If the black guy ain't stealin' it, nobody is.
I understand if some of you are uncomfortable with the situation
so I'd like to offer you all the option of just going home.
What the fuck. Sir you don't run from war.
Otto, it's Christmas Eve. We'll be here all night.
I'll deal with the authorities myself.
Negative one-fairy-bravo. We're stayin' right here.
Damn right we're stayin' here. Look Mr. kipper,
we are all involved. Everybody, we need to stay here.
Pharms i see you eyein' the cash.
Dave no I wasn't.
I'm not.
Sir. The infidels are already plotting.
Pharms you wanna split the cash?
I fuckin' hate all of you. Fuckers.
The store is closed. Oh no!
You're off duty.
You're just gonna get punched in the face.
You're the assistant manager but nobody fucking cares.
Fuckin' hate you all.
I may have to take steps.
Black Jack hey look, we need to call the cops.
Says who?
Says me.
He can't use that money now.
I have tuition to pay. We can all split this up.
No. No we can't because this money doesn't belong to us.
This money belongs to uncle Sam.
Umm, I agree. I think we should split it.
Look, I don't give a fuck how much you need the money.
It's not yours bitch!
I say we vote.
Otto ain't no election. Ain't no damn vote.
Santa i second the motion to vote.
We said no vote.
All in favor of keeping the money say aye.
Aye.
Otto damn kids and your occupy nonsense.
Ain't no damn vote. Ain't no damn election.
Ain't no damn team decision.
Aye.
Now hold up. All those opposed say nay.
Black Jack nay. Otto nay.
Nay.
What?
Tara aye or nay?
Mr. kipper oh, nay, nay. Nay.
Well there you have it team stupid.
Four to four. It's a damn tie.
Jack i vote aye.
Dave well that's definitely the tie breaker.
Mr. kipper Jack. Where did you get that?
Sporting goods. Aisle 7. It's on sale.
Black Jack what the fuck are you doing dick head.
I want an apology.
Jack, just put that down.
Barbie what is that?
Pharms a cross bow.
Yeah like Daryl on walking dead.
Barbie oh.
Dave black Jack why don't you just apologize to him?
Fuck that man. He should apologize to me.
Pharms Jack. Were you just, you know, up?
What? No. What d-?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? What does that mean? Up?
What does he, what does he mean. What do you mean?
He's turbo charged.
Shut up!
Mr. kipper Jack. Are you on drugs?
You apologize.
Black Jack no!
Jack yes! Black Jack no!
Jack yes.
Please.
Man I'm callin' your bluff.
I don't think you're gonna do shit.
Shoot me bitch.
Black Jack fuck it Jack. Shoot me.
Shoot me Jack.
Jack ahhhh!
Jack ah.
Otto ah!
Oh! Gun shot sweet Jesus somebody call Tim tebow.
Mr. kipper medic! Man down. Man down!
Oh my god I'm so sorry Otto.
Otto are you okay?
Do I fuckin' look okay?
Why don't you pull it out.
Don't! You leave me alone.
Leave it alone you stupid son of a bitch.
You leave a puncture wound.
Well I didn't know that. How would I know that.
I don't- I'm really really sorry.
Otto oh you shut your fuckin' mouth you crying little girl.
Dave shh. Santa ho, ho, ho.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Now okay, I know this is not the greatest timing but-
here's how we're gonna' do things.
Santa uh, uh, uh,
back off. Or you're gonna go on Santa's naughty list.
I will use this thing.
Intentionally.
Barbie baby. Grab the money.
Black Jack hey what are you doin' you drunk fuck.
Snata ha, ha. I'm tired of givin' presents.
It's time for Santa to get some.
What's this?
I, I wouldn't touch that. It's a dye pack.
Come, come, let me see that.
Thank you.
Warning. Contents under extreme-
Santa woah!
Tara oh my god!
Black Jack fuck!
That is going to be one messy workman's comp claim.
Jack, get the pap-
Jack?
Jack ladies and gentleman. Thank you for shopping at Mr. beavers.
The store is now closed for the evening.
However, none of us are leaving until we figure out what
we're doing with all this great money.
Anybody thinks otherwise.
I locked the store. I set the alarms.
And for your further inconvenience.
I cut the phone lines.
I'm kind of a little high right now.
And, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be fired in the morning for,
a, smoking pot in the store, and uh, uh,
2, shootin' Otto with a crossbow.
But uh, I've decided,
I'm not leavin' till I get that money.
Where are our phones Mr. kipper. Are they still in your office?
Oh there's a cell phone
party goin' on right now in the
shitter by the way.
Now that my high is wearin' off, I'm startin to realize that
whoever killed that guy in the box probably
wants that money too.
And he'll probably kill us all for it.
And if one of us is the killer.
I just locked us in here with him.
Folks.
We have a situation here.
Black Jack well no shit.
Otto he's loosin' it.
Pharms he's trippin' hard.
It's you.
What?
You did it. You killed him.
The fuck are you talkin' about man?
You didn't want Mr. kipper to help
and then you pretended it wasn't heavy.
Come on man. It wasn't even like that.
You said it was slippery.
Look man. I didn't do t is shit.
I didn't even know this mother fucker was in there.
Oh that's bull shit.
I'm not shittin you. I didn't kill this dude.
I don't even want the fuckin' money.
But I can't let you all take it either.
Why not?
What you mean why not?
If we take this money it looks like we killed this man.
Black Jack and that's what the cops are gonnna' think.
I want no part to that shit.
Why didn't you tell me
you suspected a possible employee theft Jackson.
Black Jack Mr. kippler. Shut the fuck up. I didn't kill this man.
Now that's the end of that shit.
Jackson, you're fired.
Oh you got balls now?
Pharms i don't know Jackson.
You have a violent disposition. A quick temper.
And of course you're black. The odds point to you.
Shit the odds point to you.
The dope dealer holdin' a dangerous weapon
pointin' at people and shit.
Two to one says you did it.
I'd say you're more two to one odds. I'm kind of three to one.
And I did not even use this. Jack did.
I'd put even odds on him.
We can't forget about the new guy,
I mean I'd say his squeaky clean ass four to one odds.
I think he did it.
Long shot odds on kipper.
Ten to one?
What about me?
I could have done it.
Dark horse. You're too fuckin stupid to kill somebody.
And put 'em in a damn box.
Hundred to one odds says she did it.
Fuck all of you. A hundred to one.
Alright. Last chance guys.
We could split up this cash and disappear
or this all can go the hard way,
black Jack look man we can't do it like that. We just can't.
Otto I'll do it. Damn store took my health insurance last year.
Fuckin' Obama care.
Now. Do you know how much this is gonna cost me. I men
where do I even fuckin go for arrow removal?
Black Jack Otto, come on man.
Oh you mind your business Mohamed.
The fuck did you just call me?
I'm appalled.
No you're a closet homo. Are you in?
Pharms you're fired.
I don't think so. I quit.
Tara umm you should let him fire you
that way you can collect unemployment.
Don't you all see. In this man's death we have a new life.
All because of him.
Bitch shut the fuck up. You screamed before we even saw him.
What?
Oh you know what I'm talkin' about.
I screamed because I saw a body.
Before we did?
Okay- I di-
shut up. You did this. I didn't kill this guy.
I've never even seen him before in my life.
I'm stupid remember.
Okay really. So where were you coming from then?
From the bathroom
where I was doing a line of coke off the toilet lid okay.
Got anymore? No.
Mr. kipper Tara, you're fired.
Uh!
Someone help me find Jack.
Pharms i know where he is.
We'll see, assholes.
We'll see.
The drug lair.
The what?
Pharms how do you know about that?
Black Jack see they got a secret room
where they're smokin' weed.
Usin' store merchandise to build bongs.
Some of that breakin' bad shit going on in here.
What? No we don't.
We do.
Jack I'm back!
Jack. We got the loot. We're splittin' the money.
Black Jack hey that shit is not true. That ain't true.
Who's ready to die.
Wait. Die? What is in that thing?
Jack you should just calm down.
Mr. kipper you're really close. Okay. I've got years
of hostility built up towards you okay. So shut the fuck up.
Pharms, you know that book we got. "The anarchists cookbook"?
Yeah.
You wouldn't believe what I made in here. All from that book.
All from stuff inside this store.
You didn't take anything did you?
Cause remember when we tried that synthetic mescaline recipe
we hallucinated for like three days.
No, no, the front part. The chemicals.
Tara you told me you lost that book you asshole.
Jack, what did you mix there?
Oh, it's really cool.
It's uh, hydrochloric acid.
Drop that cross bow pharms.
Tara hey, Jack. It's cool. We got the money.
No Tara. It's not cool. It's not cool.Nothing's cool.
I think I'm having a... A nervous breakdown.
Of some kind....
Come on Jack. Relax. Remember.
You're a sea man on my tight little ship.
Whenever we, are at sea, all you can think about is me.
Kipper. I think it's gonna be you.
Otto Jack. You listen to me son.
Now you got to be very careful with that acid that is a highly
corrosive solvent. That is what I used
to assassinate Kim jong il.
I know, I know.
All I needed was styrofoam, and polyurethane, salt,
and orange juice. Tara, sorry i drank your orange juice.
That is okay.
Pharms Jack, don't you want the money?
Forget the money.
I want revenge.
Otto son of a bitch!
Dave holy shit! Otto. Otto buddy are you okay?
No I ain't okay cock sucker. You see the hole in my head.
You see the hole in my head. Yeah.
You can't clean that with a little bit of toothpaste.
I don't think I'm comin' back from this one momma.
Damn. Shit.
Where's the money?
Someone took it.
Fuck you lookin' at me for? I didn't do it.
It's gone?
Who the fuck steals on Christmas Eve?
Black Jack yeah pharmy. Where your Christmas spirit man?
I'm Jewish!
Dave well someone shot him. Who has a gun?
Kipper.
Mr. kipper?
Oh no! What now?
My belly button ring fell out.
Black Jack bitch are you fuckin' for real?
Barbie it's too dark. I can't find it.
No! Don't!
Black Jack oh fuck!
Dave how come nobody listens to me?
Black Jack he look people. We gonna have to stick together.
Shit is goin' real bad right now and
everybody is guilty of somethin'
Dave why should we stick with you?
I still think you killed the first guy.
Motherfucker I told you i didn't kill that dude man!
Can you prove it?
You can't prove a negative.
Black Dave damn it. I'm a private investigator
what?
Yeah, I was hired by the corporation.
I was told to come here and
and watch everybody for various reasons. Ah, shit.
Black Jack this place is considered a black hole.
What does that mean? Black hole?
You know. Shit goes in but nothin' comes out.
'Cus everybody here is stealin.
I mean everybody.
Tara who else knows.
Mr. kipper?
Hell no. He's the big fish in all this.
He's been embezzling for years.
That's why you wanted to call the cops earlier.
Look. I have a job to do. Well fuck, least I had a job.
So, you have a gun?
Son. Pi's have gun in movies.
I don't own a fuckin' gun.
Mmhm. And why should we believe you?
Yeah. Why?
You know what. Read it smart guy.
Dave December 6th, 8:30am, pharms smokes the marijuana
on the loading docks.
Mother fucker just read the thing.
Man you got jokes and shit.
I was just tryin' to paint the picture.
Jeez I'm sorry. Black Jack ain't got time for that shit.
Dave umm... December 6th, 8:30am
pharms smokes marijuana on the loading dock
9:17 am Tara fails to ring up merchandise at the checkout
in exchange for pills.
11:40 Mr. kipper pockets return receipts for theft purposes.
Yeah there's a bunch of stuff that's written in here.
Ya'll happy?
I wouldn't say happy. Satisfied, yeah.
Alright so uh, what do we do now?
We take the money.
Mr. kipper's little ship is sinking fast.
And I don't feel like drowning.
Yeah I never did like the ending of Titanic.
Alright.
Screw it. I'm in.
Black Jack?
Fuck it. Ya'll know I can't swim.
I'm in. Let's do it.
Look guys, if we take this money,
we're all gonna have to disappear like, forever.
Tara no problem here.
Dave yeah. I got nothin' to stick around here for.
Well damn am I the only one not fed up with life?
Shit you white people are miserable man.
Get your ass in therapy or somethin'
Tara i tried it didn't work.
Pharms halt!
Tara hey, it's just us.
Stay down there narc.
Black Jack man fuck you I ain't no narc.
Pharms i said stay down.
Black Jack man fuck you.
Tara what is going on up there?
Pharms just playin a little game.
Dave what kind of game?
Pharms kipper hunting.
Dave pharms, buddy, can I come up there and talk to you?
Pharms I'd prefer you didn't
by the way, is Jack dead?
Black Jack i think so.
Pharms you think so?
Isn't that something an undercover cop would thoroughly check out?
Black Jack hey, I'm not a cop man.
Dave you know what's funny,
I applied for a mall security gig right. I didn't hear-
black Jack shut the fuck up. Ain't nobody asked you no shit like that.
One ten thousand. Two ten thousand, three ten thousand
pharms I'm gonna get you kipper.
Tara hey shit head watch it. What the fuck!
Dave pharms what's wrong with you? You almost hit Tara.
Oaky would you cut this shit out?
Black Jack come on pharms. I knew you was a fuck up,
but I didn't know you was shootin' bitches in the faces and shit man.
Pharms you know what officer I wasn't but then I saw all that money.
It made me think about all the things I could do with it.
Tara god that could buy like a lot of pills
Dave come on. I don't want to die pharms.
Pharms, I get it. I'm broke too.
We ain't makin no money at this bitch.
I want the money too man. What's up?
Too late deputy. You said nay. I clearly remember it.
Dave pharms this would all be a lot easier if we all
just work together buddy.
How can I trust him. You've been lyin to us the whole time.
Black Jack that's my job man.
That's all I can say about that.
Not an honorable one.
Black Jack neither is this. Stealin', killin',
eatin' paint chips and shit.
Who's killing?
Please! Come on!
Okay. I'll be the bigger man. Come on up.
Hey!
It's locked.
Dave Mr. kipper?
Pharms yeah. Hit it again.
Tara fucking yeah. Hit it again.
Pharms we're comin' in kippers and bits.
Dave pharms, you okay?
Pharms i got shot.
I got shot.
Dave hang in there buddy. Hang in there.
Pharms oh it hurts Dave. I'm really scared.
Dave i know it's not that bad alright.
There's not too much blood.
Tara oh my god there's so much fucking blood.
Dave just shut up!
Oh buddy, don't let me die.
Dave you're not gonna die pharms
black Jack he dead yet?
Dave will you shut up both of you. What the f--
have some couthe!
Black Jack whatever man, I don't have time for this drawn out
Oscar winning death scene.
Oh!
Dave what? Pharms oh it's coming.
What? Oh I can see it.
Black Jack what's it sayin' pharmy?
Pharms no... refills...
Dave he's dead.
Oh my god. Oh shit.
My first day of work and already another dead person.
Okay, umm... how do they do this in the movies?
Dave he's got these... He's got those bug eyes.
Let me just...
Dave okay...
Oh! What the fuck!
Tara uh-
Dave okay alright Tara uh.
Dave finally. Alright look. We have to fuckin-
pharms don't die!
Dave what the fuck!
Enough fucking around. I am getting a crow bar.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Dave ah!
Dave shit! Otto I'm sorry.
Otto what you fuckin' stab me for?
Dave shit, Otto I'm sorry!
Ah!
Oh my god! Are you okay?
I- am- not- okay-
Dave holy shit!
Dave fuck.
Dave fuck!
Jack careful!
Dave shit!
I thought you were killed.
Jack almost. What'd I miss?
Pharms is dead.
Ah. Overdose?
Maybe some lead poisoning.
Barbie's dead too.
Oh. That's a shame.
Yeah. It was pretty shocking.
Mr. kipper has the money.
And just where are you going?
Headin home man. It's been a really rough first day.
Plus I got to be back at 8:00 am to open up the store.
We got that breakfast with Santa promotion thing going on.
Oh. Santa's dead too. By the way.
Uh, will we be renting a Santa clause
because I'm not sure how that's gonna work if he's not here and
the kids show up and all that kind of stuff with the pictures.
What about gettin' the money.
Well you know as odds play out I figure uh,
our chances of survival drop. It's all becoming a pattern man
you know uh people bein' killed and that kind of stuff.
And I'm under the impression that only one of us is gonna
make it out of here alive so, uh
if we do, most likely also we'll be in jail.
So if you don't mind.
I'm just gonna slip out of here if that's okay with you.
Jack not so fast.
You see if you leave. You trip the alarms.
And if you trip the alarms the cops come.
And if the cops come, they take us all to jail.
And you can't go interfering with everybody's
god given rights to stay and kill each other.
You know you're fucked up, right Jack.
You almost killed Otto. You shot him with a fuckin' cross bow.
Yeah, I am totes embarrassed by that whole thing. Is he mad
he's fuckin' dead.
Oh you didn't do it. You didn't do it.
Uh, somebody else did.
They shot him right in the face with a gun.
Thank god.
I came around the corner though
and I thought heard somethin' uh call me a cock suckin'-
Dave, you think about it.
Your odds of being the one that survives are pretty good.
You know with pharms out of the way, who's your competition?
Black Jack?
Dave well there's Mr. kipper. He's the one who has a gun.
What about you?
Me?
I was never much of a competitor in anything.
Especially in school I was always the last one picked.
First one eliminated.
Especially in duck duck goose.
Besides, in this condition i probably won't last very long.
Either way, let's not tell the rest of the group I'm alive.
Let's mix it up a little bit.
How do you know I won't?
Oh...
Jack you bitch!
Mr. kipper Dave?
Dave...
No sleeping on the job.
Dave Mr. kipper?
Mr. kipper you took quite a pounding.
I had to do the heimlich
finally got that measurement.
Dave what the fuck?
Dave holy shit!
Black Jack hey what took you so long?
Dave well since the guy from the tool department is dead.
I had to grab this myself.
Where's Tara? Tara here.
Dave are you okay?
Tara yeah?
Black Jack what the fuck you mean is she okay.
What you think i raped the girl or somethin?
How bout I rape your little pretty ass?
You next. Get in line. Touch your toes motherfucker.
Relax. I didn't say anything about rape alright.
Black Jack I'll relax when we get this money.
So what you gonnna do, stand there lookin' the fuck stupid?
Or you tryin' to smash the door in?
Let's go son!
That wasn't a request. Smash the fuckin' door in!
Dave he's not in here.
Tara what the fuck!
Dave he's in the ventilation.
Black Jack kipper. What you doin?
You think you're Bruce fuckin' Willis?
Mr. kipper you're a sailer on my tight little ship.
He's got the money.
We should go after him.
Uh, I'm not going in there.
Yeah me neither.
We need to find out where this thing leads to.
Is this where we find out one of our coworkers has a secret past?
Something like that. Otto Daniels frink.
The maintenance guy?
What does it say?
Why would you make a good Mr. beavers employee?
Honorable discharge, united states naval intelligence.
Distinguished service. Undercover operations.
Freedom medal...
Applying for sales associate.
I just put down good with people
I left mine blank.
So what does this mean.
It means that he could be involved with the dead body.
I don't know like a military thing.
Hey, look!
Let me see that.
What does it say?
He knew I was undercover.
How do you know that?
Kipper, a methodical genius?
No way.
Think about it for a second guys.
Alright, he kills Otto first chance he gets.
Shoots him because he knows. He knows that Otto is a threat.
Let's go get this mother fucker.
Dave hey I've been meaning to ask you guys.
How come no body else wears their uniforms.
Tara what? We don't get uniforms here.
Dave Mr. kipper measured me for a shirt and pair of pants,
and he was very specific on the measurements.
Tara look!
Dave the vent goes three ways.
Black Jack well let's split up.
Tara uh, I don't think so.
Dave why not?
Tara well, what do i do if I find him?
Tara he has a gun.
Dave i don't know. Yell.
Hope he doesn't shoot you before we get there.
Black Jack wait here.
Take this.
Tara oh.
Black Jack and try not to blow it. If you know what I mean.
Otto help me cock sucker!
Otto oh! Fuck! Fuck!
Black Jack Otto!
Otto he's dead.
Black Jack that's why you don't scare black people man.
Hiya!
Otto oh!
Otto what the fuck I ever do to you cock sucker?
Tara shit!
Mr. kipper?
Tara guys!
Dave what's in there?
Black Jack the money room. And probably kipper.
Black Jack wait I wouldn't do that!
Dave owe! Shit!
Black Jack now who ain't listening? Stupid!
Tara well, uh, at least he can't get out.
Black Jack and we can't get in.
We have to go through the vents.
Dave i have an idea.
Tara Mr. kipper?
If you're in there. You should just come out.
Please...
Tara are you okay?
Black Jack yeah why?
Tara you look like you just saw a ghost.
Dave who's afraid of goats?
Black Jack i ain't afraid of no goats.
Tara ghost. I said ghost. Uh. Never mind.
Black Jack i see where you're goin with that. I really like it.
Dave we should go upstairs. He'll come out and when he does,
it'll be up there.
Keep spraying with these foggers till this cockroach comes out.
[ Mr. kipper coughing and sputtering
black Jack we'll wait here. Surprise him.
Dave hey, let me ask you somethin'.
You ever stab someone?
You ever stab someone
so what are you gonna' do with all this money?
Shit! I'm going to buy some rims,
pay down that damn child support.
Seriously?
Fuck no! Racist mother fucker. I ain't got no damn kids.
I don't even have a fuckin' car. I ain't waistin' money on some
stupid ass rims!
How am I racist? You're the one that said it.
You was thinkin' it mother fucker!
Shit! All you white people are the same.
But I am worried about somethin' though.
What's that?
You.
Me?
You're the one holdin' this all together.
You're the star here
to you we're just supportin' cast.
And you're the hero.
That's not true.
You barely even know my name.
No I know your name. You're black Jack
my name is Jackson Porter bitch.
And why would you even want to split the money with us?
Because we all had a deal.
Did we shake hands?
Did we sign a contract?
Every time I turn around I'm gettin' shafted by the company.
Undercover here. Miss my life there. And for what?
Where's my reward? At the end of the day
I'm just another brother gettin' shafted by the man
but not anymore.
The way I see it. It's every man for himself.
Dave kipper!
Kipper i know you're out there Dave.
You almost shot me just now Mr. kipper.
Yes. I know you moved though.
Sorry about that.
Mr. kipper oh no sweat kiddo. I'll aim better next time.
So where is everyone?
Black Jack's out here. He's dead.
He is?
Did I kill him?
Nope, that was me.
Mr. kipper oh...
I see you found out his secret identity.
And Tara?
She's down stairs. Spraying the foggers.
I assumed it was her.
Actually that was my idea.
Mr. kipper very good one. It worked perfectly.
You wold have been a real asset to my staff Dave.
Dave what are you doing?
I was just trying to see
if I could shoot you through the wall.
Oh. Lucky me.
You know Dave. You should just leave. I have the gun. You and
the Scooby gang can't beat that no matter how hard you try.
Why don't you just split it with us?
Because when more than one person is in on a secret,
the secret gets out.
You see one guy, one secret.
One guy, one druggie bitch and one punk kid,
Mr. kipper the secret gets blown.
Who's the dead guy?
Mr. kipper how the hell should I know?
I figure pharms did it. He was always a
closet sicko type.
We all assumed it was you.
Mr. kipper of course you did...
I know what you all assumed about me.
Homo kipper... Cock sucker kipper.
Oh believe me I know.
But I know all the secrets.
You see, I know about under cover action Jackson.
About the drugs. About the stealing. See I know it all.
Sometimes, playing dumb works to your advantage.
I guess it does.
So now we wait.
Fine.
Son of a bitch.
Dave what's that?
Oh nothing.
Say Dave. Would you still consider splitting the money,
even though I tried to kill you?
Change of heart now Mr. kipper?
You might say that.
What brought that on?
I'm out of bullets.
You're out of bullets.
Yes...
Okay. Why don' you go ahead and toss the gun out here.
Oh, of course.
Oh. Oops, sorry. I missed.
Dave okay. I'm coming in.
Damn it Dave. You lied.
Damn!
Jack Tara!
Tara shit! God!
You scared the crap out of me.
We all thought you were dead.
So did I.
But I decided to stick around for a little while.
Tara can I have some.
Come on! Sharing is caring.
And what do I get?
Ew! I am not fucking you right now.
Why not?
Because you look like a flesh eaten zombie.
So... sharing is caring you just said so.
That was before your flesh got burnt off by acid.
Oh come on!
Seriously?
You've done so much worse.
You let those eight Mexicans run a train on you at olive garden
because they said they'd give you endless salad.
That's free. Everybody gets that.
Come on Tara... please....
Ah! Oh my god!
Ah! I swear to god I'll be fast.
I'm fast. Faster than a car alarm even.
Come on and just, just fuck me please Tara
fine!
Yay!
Jack uh! Oh! That's so good.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah... oops!
You know Dave, I don't even have the money.
Dave?
Mr. kipper Dave? Dave?
Jack hey new guy. You alive?
Dave i need help.
Hey listen. I'd love to stay and chat about it.
You know the line.
Dead relatives welcoming you and all but,
I have absolutely got to go and kill Mr. kipper.
Hey, check this out. I'm gonna use a chain saw.
Isn't that wicked?
Dave let me go.
Jack you are absolutely not even into this.
Dave i need an ambulance, Jack.
Jack hey, I'll make you a deal.
After I cut kipper into bits...
I'll come back and dice you up too.
Quickly though... okay?
Jack what? I can't hear you.
Chain saw!
I'll be back!
Hey, you didn't tell me black Jack was dead.
Maybe I'll chop him up too.
Mr. kipper ah! Ah, ah, no!
Mr. kipper oh Dave, Dave...
Dave wait! Wait!
What? What?
You're out of bullets.
Oh the hell I am. It's a six shot. There's one left.
Dave pharms, Otto, Jack. You fired at me three times.
No, no. I shot you twice.
Dave no wait, wait, wait...
Who's the dead guy?
I don't know!
And I don't think we'll ever know.
You killed him.
No! No, no, no!
But I think I know who did.
Who was the one person
who wasn't with us when we found the body?
Dave pharms? Mr. kipper no
Otto? Uh-uh.
Santa claus? Are you serious?
Tara? Please?
Jack? Dave!
Black Jack? No!
You? No, no, no...
Mitch.
Who the fuck is Mitch?
Mitch kalper.
He didn't show up for work tonight
that's why you had to come in.
Oh please. Someone must have mentioned that to you.
Ex-con. Did time for robbery...
Uh, got hired because he sued us.
Corporate wanted to keep it confidential
because... that's the way they are.
Look but, i was collecting evidence....
Because he was stealing...
And I was going to have him arrested and fired.
I don't understand.
Oh! Forget about it. Old news.
The point is, we're never going to find out who killed that guy.
You see, in real life you don't always have surprise endings.
Sometimes the truth is just... just boring.
Anyway Dave, your employment here just isn't working out.
So I would consider this, a termination.
No. No!
Black Jack kipper!
You again?
Dave i told you!
Black Jack... you're my little sea man right?
Mr kipper oh... ah... no!
Black Jack i knew that mother fucker was gonna try to bounce.
Where you think you goin'?
Just... oh god...
Where's the money?
I don't know man.
Seriously... Where'd kipper stash it?
No! I don't know!
Fine. This is how you wanna play?
Jack always keepin' an eye on me.
- Fuck! - [Slamming phone down
Jack Mr. kipper!
I'm so happy you're still alive.
Mr. kipper Jack! Please.
You do know, killing you is going to be the absolute
highlight of my night.
Mr. kipper Jack...
Bye Mr. kipper. Merry Christmas.
There's something that you should know.
Yes.
Corporate prefers you say happy holidays.
Jack come out come out wherever you are Dave.
You'll never get out Dave.
I've got all the keys to all the exits.
You're a sea man on my tight little ship.
Otto mother fucker help me!
Those were my damn fritter wrappers.
And my soda can.
I leave 'em wherever i goddamn want to.
And I don't give a shit who's goat you killed.
Ah!
Jack hey! New guy.
Get over there.
You move pretty fast
for someone playin' quadriplegic a few minutes ago.
I need an ambulance man.
Oh, don't waste your time man.
You're done. I'm just sayin'.
You're really gonna kill me?
Yeah, duh. That's how these things go right?
What about the money?
The money? Come on man.
I'm almost dead. You're almost dead.
Ain't gonna do us any good now. Probably all burnt it up anyway.
Alright well... good luck in the after life.
Merry cr- happy holiday!
Woah, woah. Hold on a second.
I got somethin' for you.
That's right. Yeah.
Is that a fritter?
Sure is.
You got a fritter?
You want it?
I tell you what... you give me that fritter, I won't kill you.
You promise?
Yeah! Toss it over.
Alright!
Ah! You dumb ass!
Imma kill you anyway.
Mmm. Ah.
It's good right?
Yeah. Christmas came early for old Jackie boy.
Fritter and an extra
Jack did you do...
Dave enjoy your fuckin' fritter bitch!
It's not even a fuckin' fritter anyway.
It's a fuckin' honeybun.
All day, I need my fritter i need my fritter you stupid fuck!
What the fuck!
Nice try Dave, but you loose.
Time to kill you. Sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
What?
Apologize to bucky.
Jack ah! What the fuck man!
Ah! Oh my god. I was kidding.
Oh! Oh my god. Did it leave a mark?
Ah! Is there a mark. Oh my god.
Jack a beaver hit me in my che-St.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm goin'.
Dave no! Oh shit!
Otto four fuckin' tours in Iraq, three tours in Afghanistan,
816 Mexicans across the cartel couldn't kill me.
Ain't some cock suckin' fairies at a hardware store gonna do it.
Bunch of fuckin' cock suckers.
Who am I gonna kill next?
Otto king Kong ain't got shit on me!
Blue hard hat man they tore this place up. What the hell happened here?
Yellow hard hat some guy went nuts on Christmas Eve.
Massacred all of his co-workers.
Blue hard hat hey Jim...
Check this out.
Yellow hard hat what's in it?
John they called us the Santa hat bandits.
Mitch shut up.
Go stash the bag. I'm gonna go steal the store keys.
We'll come back after they close tonight.
Meet me in two minutes.
Jack you're a sea man on my tight little... uh, uh, uh,
Jack alright!
Jack ... a sea man on my tight little ship.
Joey Mitch!
Anybody!
I'm stuck in the box.
I can't breath in here.
I'm suffocating!
Mitch!
Oh my god. I'm gonna miss Christmas.
Mitch Joey!
Back stabbin son of a bitch!
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