Why'd you break up with her?
Seven reasons, actually.
Number one, she doesn't vote.
Eh?
Shh.
Number two, she cheered for Bulgaria in the last Olympics.
Bulgarians don't even cheer for Bulgaria.
Ok, so it was one Bulgarian,
and he was missing an arm.
The rest of the time, she cheered for America?
Yes.
Ok, that one's a stretch too.
Look, why don't you just forget your seven reasons
and admit that you only need one to talk
yourself out of any girl?
What's that?
That she's not Emily.
False.
You've been in love with Emily since the third grade.
No one's ever gonna measure up.
That's probably true.
Emily Atkins.
Imagine every day, a 12-year-old supermodel
literally turned your hallway into a runway...
A runway of love.
Are you sure you're not exaggerating a bit?
I don't even need to.
She was perfect in every way.
I doubt that.
Trust me.
While other kids were building basic housing,
she was building Eiffel towers.
So she was French?
Nope, but she spoke French fluently.
She was probably the most thoughtful
person that ever existed.
One time, she had all the kids in school
sign a card for Mrs. Lackra when she broke her arm.
She even brought her flowers.
Or maybe that was her birthday.
I can't remember.
This year's humanitarian award for her work with homeless
homing pigeons and reprogramming the left handed, Emily Atkins.
I was in awe of her, never
dreaming that on June 4th, 2004, at 3:26 pm,
she would take my heart, throw it in a backpack,
toss it in a Van, and drive away with it.
You poor thing.
I was devastated.
It was the worst day of my life.
Really?
Yep.
And I haven't seen her since.
It was the kind of love you only get one chance at in life,
and I let it slip through my fingers.
Quite a love story, considering
you never even spoke to her.
Yes I did, once.
What'd you say?
Ahh, that's a moment that I'd like
to keep between me and Emily.
Look, I licked a leprechaun.
Ok, I think they got it.
Hold on, I'll turn on the lantern.
Dang it, I said hold on!
Ok.
I think we should go get Tully before I
burn this whole place down.
He's not going to be in any hurry
if you don't pay your half of the rent.
I will, all right?
I just got a little behind.
Who knew car repairs would be so expensive?
Everyone.
You kidding me?
You actually wrote down the reasons why?
I'm a visual thinker.
"Seven reasons to dump someone" just looks bad on paper.
Dang it.
I told you not to leave your stuff
in the middle of the floor. - No, no, no.
Just shut up, all right?
I'm lecturing you right now.
All right, you're never going to find
a girl as perfect as Emily.
Once you've been in the presence of perfection,
it's hard to settle for anything less.
Yeah, but you've become such a nit picky freak.
It's a gift.
Tell that to your sister.
Come on, Lexie.
The guy's a loser.
He's not.
And tell me this.
He slept through "sleepless in Seattle,"
the greatest romantic comedy of all time,
but what does he have to say about the transformers movies?
That there should be a best picture consideration.
For which one?
All of them.
Case closed.
Why would you do that?
That's terrible.
Ok, there are studies that show that cracking your knuckles
isn't bad for you.
Lexie, dump him.
He's cute.
Cute won't keep the conversations
from drifting to the underrated talents of Megan fox.
Have I ever steered you wrong before?
Pet coyote incident of 2003 comes to mind.
Fond memories.
Yeah, rabies shots are memorable.
What?
Hey, you want a smoothie?
Oh, man.
We're in trouble.
Quick, grab the cord from the hall.
Oh, someone's there.
Shoot, it's probably Tully.
Oh, man.
Are you Matt?
There we go.
I'm taking the power strip and the smoothie.
When can I expect the rest?
Of the smoothie?
Of the rent.
Soon.
There are a couple of unforeseen expenses.
And I'm asking for a raise tomorrow at Martin's computers.
Do you think you're gonna get it?
I deserve it.
Who's your boss?
The skinny guy with the toupee?
You want me to go down there and...
What, beat him up?
No.
But I could threaten to rewire his ceiling fan,
make it run backwards.
You know there's a switch for that, right?
Yeah, good point.
That'll save me some time.
Anyway, I need the rent.
My wife wants to get her face waxed.
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
Some new spa place are doing a three for one sale.
She's also getting her ears exfoliated
and her elbows bleached.
It's going to cost me $500.
But it'll be worth it if I don't recognize her afterwards.
Whatever, we have power.
Here you go.
Thank you.
How much do I owe you?
No charge.
Oh, could they not fix it.
I knew what the problem was, so I didn't bother
getting a technician involved.
Don't tell anyone.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome. Have a nice day.
Thank you.
Same to you.
Don't think of it as me firing you.
Think of it as store policy firing you.
You didn't follow the rules.
You gave a few people their computers back without charge.
It adds up.
Cathy will be sending you your final paycheck.
She's right down the hall.
We went out one time.
She's really nice.
We had dinner.
I can work here.
Please.
You don't know the first thing about arranging.
Some people would love this design.
Really?
Who?
Who would love that?
Anarchists.
People who like disorder and mayhem.
Those guys always put weird things in their apartments.
You know, another option...
No, you cannot live with me.
But you can stop hanging around here and go get a job.
Hey, Mrs. Taylor.
Hey, Lexie.
You here to pick up the flowers for the hospital?
Yes, I am. Thank you.
Cool, be right back.
Oh, I saw your mother last week.
She's my favorite nurse.
Oh, well, you're her favorite volunteer.
She said that you had a break up.
Are you ok?
I'm fine.
Ok.
You'll bounce back.
I'll get your order.
You're Ethan, aren't you?
Oh, yes ma'am.
Your mother brags about you.
In what way?
She said you're the Helen Keller of relationships.
She thinks I'm blind and deaf when it comes to women?
No, you're the miracle worker.
Oh, you mean her teacher, Amy Sullivan?
How's that?
You help the love struck Helen Kellers
by shining light on flaws that they're too blind to see.
I don't understand.
You talked Lexie into ending it with her boyfriend.
Well, ultimately it was her decision to do that, but...
Did you convince her to break up with him?
Kinda.
There you have it.
Your parents hated that boy.
In fact, that they told me that you've saved
Lexie from a few disasters.
She listens to me.
Why?
She trusts me, and I'm just good at spotting
incompatibilities.
Why the 20 questions?
Could you do that for me?
Excuse me?
- Oh. - Here you go.
Thank you.
Um, how much is this?
$10.
Sold.
We have a blind patient and it's her birthday,
so could you put a ribbon on it?
Thanks.
Can you get rid of my daughter's boyfriend?
Uh.
Please, I've tried everything.
I've never even met your daughter.
Yes you have, in elementary school.
Veronica.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't remember, and I seriously doubt...
I don't want grandchildren with no ambition and big ears.
Have you talked to her?
I'm her mother!
She doesn't listen to me.
But she might listen to a stranger.
Nuh uh.
I'll pay you.
We should use code names.
I don't think that's necessary.
Oh, ok.
All right, this is Veronica.
It's like freaking tinder.
They're all group photos.
I have no idea which one she is.
That's Veronica.
She's pretty.
Thank you.
And that's Zach.
Big ears.
Thank you.
This is information on her.
She has a Maltese named beauty.
Oh, we could get you one, too!
Whoa, whoa... chill, boy.
I'm so sorry, he's easily excited.
Oh, he is so cute.
What's his name?
Uh, I just call him beast.
Ethan Cooper?
Veronica Taylor.
Yeah.
Huh, you remember me.
Yeah.
It's been forever.
Yeah, it has.
That's a cute dog.
Oh, thanks.
I made a list of things I don't like about him.
Huh, that's what I do.
I thought maybe you could use this.
Lack of motivation, doesn't save money.
Not that he has that much money to begin with,
he works at a fast food place.
Fast food alone has destroyed many relationships
with the weight gain.
I'm not that patient.
Um, I don't know if this list is going to work.
These aren't things people my age care about.
They think in the present.
Ok.
So what then?
What I'm looking for are quirks, habits, annoying things
about him.
So your boyfriend is Zach Winstead?
Yeah.
Do you know him?
Yeah, i... uh, I do.
Great guy.
I mean, except for the toothpick thing.
What?
He always has a toothpick in his mouth.
It's like a redneck way of being pretentious.
It's weird.
Plus, the mouth noises he makes?
Ugh.
And you got to admit, he talks like a junior high girl.
Did you see that tweet or not? Eww.
Oh my gosh, they're so annoying.
Basic as they get.
Is that Chelsea?
What the what?
Hey, we bout to turn up!
I hate Josh Hutcherson so much, I can't even.
JK, I'm jelly.
But seriously.
And you know, should he really be dancing in public?
Oh, i... uh, I got to go.
Do you wanna hang out this weekend?
Huh?
What?
I like hanging out with you.
Uh, I don't know.
I'm not sure about hanging out with someone else's girlfriend.
I don't want to cause any trouble there.
Oh.
So...
Yeah, ok.
Yeah.
See ya.
Wait.
Don't you want your dog?
Thanks.
Stupid dog, you make me look bad.
Bye.
I don't think it's working out.
What's up?
I'm Zach.
What am I supposed to do with this dog?
Take him back to the shelter?
Is that what I am now?
I use dogs and then toss them back?
Hey.
I heard barking.
You're not allowed to have a dog.
We named him after you.
Tully?
Beast.
Ok.
But I get to walk him on Tuesdays.
Tuesday is Velma's Katherine Heigl movie night.
Deal.
Hey, do you think this girl was into you?
Definitely.
Was she cute?
Sure, but kinda weird too.
There's this new girl.
You know, as someone who hasn't been in a relationship
for a while, I think you have to move past the weird thing.
Was she breathing?
Look who's talking.
You haven't had a girlfriend since the fourth grade.
I've had a lot of girlfriends. Ok, two.
Oh, wait... uh, yeah.
Two.
And this is why I'm taking relationship advice from you?
Do dogs eat, like, every day?
Yes they do.
Don't you?
Kaching.
What?
Look.
Oh, dagnabbit.
The flying monkey has landed, minus
the munchkin-eared albatross.
What is happening?
Great doing business with you.
Glad I could help.
Can I recommend you to some people?
What do you mean?
You'd be surprised how many parents dislike
their daughters' boyfriends.
Hello?
Sure, I can do that for you.
I just need a few details.
What's your daughter's name?
Ok.
What's the issue you have with her boyfriend?
Butcher's daughter dating vegetarian.
Never gonna work.
Ok, I'll need more.
Is he possessive, lazy, stupid?
Any, you know, strange habits?
Tell you what.
Think about it, write some down, and we'll meet
for coffee on Thursday, ok?
Sounds good.
Thanks.
Where is she?
Pump three.
Ok, we stay here until she clears out.
Wait, I thought you were on your way to meet a client?
I guess I'm going to be late.
I don't know, man.
I think you should just give in.
She wants you.
That's half the battle.
Wait, hold up.
That is the battle.
Wrong battlefield.
Really though, you should get rid of Lexie.
She's cramping your style.
Absolutely not.
She is the only way I'm keeping these girls at bay.
Besides, they open up to me if they
know I'm not trying to move in.
I don't think Veronica really cares about your girlfriend.
She already knows Lexie is my sister, so that doesn't work.
Can you just start sending these girls my way?
You don't want them.
Because...?
Same reasons I don't want them...
Incompatible personalities, blubbering about their break
up, weird habits you'd have to live
with for the rest of your life.
Trust me.
Still.
Oh, she's coming.
Ethan?
Veronica, hey.
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, we're just picking up some... his mom asked us to...
You know, it's so funny.
I was just on my way to your house
to invite you to my party.
Oh, wow, Friday?
Mm.
Any other day would have been fine, but Friday...
Yeah, we have that...
Right, that uh...
That thing.
Minor surgery.
The party's on Thursday.
The flyer says Friday.
The party's on Thursday.
Sentinel creek park at sunset.
Aww, that's where beauty and the beast first met.
Yeah.
I can't leave that crossed my mind.
Ok, well, since you're free on Thursday,
I guess I'll see you there.
Bye.
Bye, Sam.
Dude, you know you're the only one invited to that party.
I know.
His name is Brian.
And you don't like him?
I like him fine.
It's just that after her dad died, she's all I have left.
I don't want her wasting her life with this boy.
What's wrong with him?
Nothing.
I just want her to be with Thomas.
Thomas is?
My future son-in-law.
He's a lawyer, about to become partner.
Brian is just an accountant and will be
doing Thomas's taxes one day.
Ok.
So what else do you know about Brian?
I know he's not Thomas.
It's just that it would help if you could
give me some more information.
You know, any ex-girlfriends, multiple Facebook accounts,
bad credit history.
I know nothing, but isn't that your job
to uncover the secrets?
I suppose.
I can certainly give it a shot with what we have.
Good.
I'll pay you regular rates if you
can break them up, and double if you can
get her interested in Thomas.
That's not really what I do.
Quadruple.
But I've been looking into branching out.
Good.
Would you like to meet her?
I would.
She works at the art gallery and is scheduled for tomorrow,
but she also sings nights at the green lady lounge.
Show starts at 9:00.
Don't like it when the bad guy wins,
I must confess that, I can say.
Every story needs a happy ending at the end of the day.
Don't like to rock the boat, it doesn't mean I'm lazy.
I like to paint outside the lines,
it doesn't make me crazy.
I'm a girl who mouths the words at every play.
Emily?
Who's that girl singing?
Emily Atkins.
Quite the voice, huh?
Yeah.
Quite the everything.
I'm just funny that way.
Um, hello.
Hi.
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your performance.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, it was good.
You were a really cool jazz, um, cat up there.
Don't I know you?
Uh, no.
Um, from Jefferson elementary.
What's your name?
Ethan Cooper.
Oh, yeah.
I do remember you.
Yeah, yeah.
I realized it was you the second I walked in here.
You always did have a great voice.
When did you hear me sing?
Well, you had a solo in the third grade musical.
You know, Mr. Dragon Lilly's farm?
Yeah, i... um, I was a turnip.
I sang like, one line.
Right.
I mean, it was just memorable to me
because it inspired me to go organic and put
turnips in stews and various other recipes.
Turnips?
I know.
I had to go on for another minute and a half
about my infatuation with turnips just to cover.
To cover your infatuation with her?
She's still perfect.
Hey, would you get your feet off the table?
That's disgusting.
Velma went through a weird vegetable phase, too.
You guys know what chard is?
No.
It's like the fat free yogurt of vegetables,
which is bad because vegetables are like the soy milk of food.
Ethan, you need a new oven igniter.
I'll order it tomorrow.
Great.
Hey, you really need to go back to the jazz club
and talk to her.
No.
I need a new strategy.
Reminds me of some of Brancusi's work.
Ethan?
Oh, hey Emily.
Good to see you again.
I didn't know you liked art.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I work here.
Oh, sweet.
Nice to meet a fellow art person.
Uh, so how do you mean that this reminds you of Brancusi?
I kind of feel like Brancusi had a much simpler form than this.
No, I'm talking about his earlier stuff
when he was a little Wilder, you know?
College years.
I'm not really familiar.
I'm kind of a Brancusi expert.
So Brancusi is my boy.
Yeah, oh, I love his work.
What's your favorite piece?
A little known gem.
It's a sculpture called "guy with blender."
And instead of blending food, he's
blending... you know, dreams and hopes and 2/3 cup of reality.
So it's pretty symbolic and stuff.
You'd kind have to be a big art lover to appreciate it.
So how have you been?
Uh, great.
And you?
Fantastic.
Yeah, are you married or anything?
No, no.
Are you?
Oh, no, no, no.
No way.
But I got me a girlfriend, yep.
I've got me one of those.
Well done.
Yeah.
I remember you moving away during middle school.
Are you back in town now, or?
Yeah.
Yeah, I moved back about a year ago.
Oh, ok.
Cool.
I missed you.
I mean, we.
As a community.
Yeah.
I really miss being here.
So what are you doing now?
Just here making Brancusi observations.
I mean for a living.
Oh, right.
I'm a freelance consultant.
Oh, cool.
What do you consult on.
I take dysfunctional systems and I
disassemble them for diagnosis.
Sounds complicated.
Oh, it is.
Trust me.
Well, do you fix them too?
No.
No, not usually.
That's kind of the next guy's job.
Oh.
How am I going to do this?
Break her up from her boyfriend?
Convince her of anything.
I'm vacant of all rational thought when I'm around her.
How am I going to find something persuasive to say,
or even halfway intelligible?
Maybe you'll get lucky.
Maybe her boyfriend is really ugly, and... that's him?
Yep.
Oh.
Good luck.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What am I supposed to do?
You're the expert.
There's got to be a chip in that high gloss, heavy duty, premium
quality paint.
Hey, are you waiting for this?
Oh, yeah, I mean... go ahead, it's all good.
No, no.
It's cool.
We can just work in.
Oh, ok.
Yeah.
Cool, yeah.
I'm Ethan.
Oh, Brian.
Awesome.
Great to meet such a nice guy.
So are you here to impress the ladies,
or to look at the ladies?
No, I got a girlfriend.
Yeah, but when has that stopped anybody before?
Am I right?
No, I'm fully committed, man.
So by fully committed you mean, what, 60%, 70%?
100%.
So then like, 80% maybe?
So yeah, I've probably got another five years
or so to pay off my car.
What do you drive?
Got some massive loan you can't afford?
No, actually.
The car is fully paid for.
I've been saving up since I was 10, mowing lawns.
That's great.
Really is great.
You watch movies much?
You seem like the kind of guy who
would waste a whole Saturday watching mindless television.
No.
Actually, I don't even own a TV.
I spend most of my Saturdays just helping
out at the soup kitchen.
That's great.
This is the rowing machine, right?
He's like the offspring of Taylor swift
and... I don't know, Channing Tatum.
What?
He's perfect, ok?
They're the perfect couple.
How am I supposed to break these two up?
Stop squirming.
I can't breathe.
We are not leaving here until you have
found yourself a nice girl.
Wayne, did you ask around?
To see if there are any girls who would
like to dance with Mitchell?
That sounds like Mitchell's job, honey.
Do you really want to leave Mitchell's future
in the hands of Mitchell?
Of course not.
Don't you want him out of the house?
More than anything.
I can hear you.
And I would like to pick my own girls.
Fine.
Who do you pick?
None of them.
Why?
They're all snooty.
They are refined, like sugar.
But you won't let me have sugar.
Well, tonight you are off your diet.
Figuratively.
Now get out there, pick any one you want.
They're all better than what you find at college.
Do you want to dance?
Oh, no thank you.
Good.
Yeah, so if we get married, I would prefer
to have a room for my iguana.
He likes to roam.
I hope our kids get my eyebrows.
Doggy pocket?
What?
I see you're saving the carrots for later.
No, I have an iguana.
You have an iguana?
What kind?
It's a green iguana.
I have one too.
Oh!
Oh.
So, do you like these parties?
They're torture.
The food, the music.
Is this sugar-free lemonade?
Yeah.
The largest size they have in the gift shop here
is a size four.
They discourage sugar.
Not completely.
You know there's a fine for wearing the wrong color
white on a tennis court?
$1,000 per shade.
You see that guy over there?
Yeah.
He's been in therapy since he broke his nine iron.
Is that guy a vampire?
I mean, really.
Look at him.
He looks like a vampire.
I mean, that or there's too much chlorine in the pool.
And that's when I caught my first Pikachu.
You're cute.
I love this song.
Should we dance?
We have to go.
You are grounded. - What?
Why?
Your eyes are sugar dilated.
Mr. Cooper?
Yeah.
Right this way.
He's already saying
that he's in love with her.
And what's your main problem with the girl?
She's a food server.
He's selling himself short.
Currently, we don't want him out of the house that badly.
Well, you should know I don't have
any experience with breaking up boys from their girlfriends.
It's always been the other way around.
The job should be easy.
The girl is awful.
She wears an apron.
Polyester.
I like polyester.
I have a meeting.
That's fine.
I think we can handle this without your scoffing.
It was nice meeting you.
Oh, you too.
Thanks.
He's a record producer?
Yes, with tremendous connections.
There is no reason Mitchell should be settling.
Ok, yeah.
I get it.
Mess this up, and I'll make sure you
never get another job for the women at the country club.
Or I can recommend you, and you'll be booked for months.
So do you write your own songs?
Yeah.
I mean, well, some of the them.
Impressive.
Have you done anything with them?
Just singing them at the green lady to about 30 people
a night.
Waiting for that big break, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe one day.
I, uh, met your boyfriend.
Brian?
Yep.
How?
We work out together.
He told me he goes to the club to see you sing.
Yeah, he does.
Great guy.
He sure is.
The best.
I think so.
You know his teeth are capped?
It makes me wonder what really lies under there.
What?
Nothing, I'm just, uh... oh, did somebody
leave their partially digested set of fireplace pokers here?
Why, you don't like it?
You do?
Yeah.
You know, the title is perfect.
It's called "love."
"Love?"
Yeah, you don't think this looks like love?
Well, I mean, if you're in a relationship
with a garbage man.
Well, I think it looks exactly like love.
You know, up close it's all so weird and defective and messy.
But when you take a step back, as a whole?
It's beautiful.
I'm singing Thursday night.
Would you like to come?
Ethan?
Yes, I'd love to.
Great, you can bring your girlfriend.
My girlfriend?
Right.
Because I have one of those.
Mitchell, this is Ethan.
I've hired him as your confidence coach.
Wait, what?
They're very common these days.
Nice to meet you, Mitchell.
I don't need this.
My confidence is fine.
Look, I dressed myself today.
I will arrange for a wardrobe consultant asap.
Why are you here?
Your mom thinks that I can help you.
You can't.
I don't need you.
Not now.
Trisha, she makes me feel good about myself.
She's all I need.
Yes, but is Trisha a licensed confidenceologist?
I don't care if she's a licensed witch doctor.
I love her.
That brings up a good point.
How...
Whoa, whoa.
My iguana doesn't like you touching his sweater vest.
My bad.
How well do you really know Trisha?
Well, I met her in person once.
And we Skype and text a lot.
In fact, we did a double date just the other day
with our iguanas.
But again, Skype.
So you haven't been on a date alone.
No.
Then how do you know what horrific things
have yet to be uncovered?
There are none with Trisha.
But I suppose I should go out with her.
Mmhm.
Yeah, definitely.
To be honest, it actually makes me kind of nervous.
So it sounds like you need some confidence, huh?
Tell you what.
I'll go with you.
Wouldn't that be kind of weird with the three of us?
I have a girlfriend.
We'll double.
Yes.
Yes!
Ok, so how about 5:00 on Tuesday?
Yes!
So much yes.
Great.
I'll be here at 4:45 to make sure
that you're not wearing this.
Are we looking at the same shirt?
Lexie, you got a job.
I need a fake girlfriend tomorrow night.
Great.
It might be a little tough, though.
It's Mitchell and Trisha.
They're socially abnormal.
They obviously can't see traditional flaws.
So you want to try the bleak future approach?
Yeah, I think that's the way to go.
Cool.
How much is the job?
Oh, Lexie, this is the golden ticket.
Really?
Do tell.
My client is loaded, and she has a lot of loaded friends.
We could be swimming in mega dough by the end of the year.
Ooh, I've never made 15% of mega dough before.
That's because I pay you 10%.
Yeah, but that was before you were swimming in mega dough.
I do 90% of the work, you get 10%.
Accidentally double booked us on weddings this weekend.
You think you can break one of the couples up real quick?
Are you gonna pay me?
Do I get an employee discount?
Yeah.
10%.
And for you?
Can I get the chicken fingers and the French fries
and a glass of milk?
I'm sorry, sir.
That item isn't on the regular menu.
I know.
I want it off the kids menu.
You're kidding me.
That's exactly what I was gonna order.
Two, please.
Two.
Ok.
You guys are so compatible.
You think?
Oh, yeah.
Perfect for each other.
But have you discover the Jigsaw puzzle yet?
The what?
You guys are two pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle,
and no two pieces of the puzzle are exactly alike.
But two pieces that are next to each other align perfectly.
It's like me and Ethan.
We compliment each other so well,
my strengths are his weaknesses.
And vice versa.
Which is perfect for when we get married, because we already
know our roles.
Like, I'm the one who's gonna be decorating the walls.
Because I have no clue.
And he's the one who's gonna be filling out all the estate
tax regovernance forms.
Because she has no clue.
So if you guys got married, which one of you
would file the estate tax regovernance forms?
I don't know what those are.
Neither do I.
That's ok, don't worry about it.
You just need to learn a little Latin.
Just a tad.
So which one of you is good with cooking?
Well, I can make ice.
I have pizza hut on speed dial.
Me too.
Good.
And which one of you know which fertilizer you use on the lawn
to make it exactly the right concentration of nitrate
so that your kids don't poison themselves when they
play in the front yard and die?
Uh, I don't know anything.
I have no idea.
Oh.
I guess...
I guess they could just stay indoors.
Like taking candy from a baby.
This is gonna be the easiest split up in history.
Should we give them more time to worry
about the future of America if they end up together?
No.
I think they've had enough time to freak out.
That's so wild.
What's going on?
We just found out the most incredible thing.
What?
We both love stargazing.
Wow.
Really?
It's like we're made for each other.
Especially considering the 0% of people
who hate looking at stars.
Ooh, nights are long since you went away.
I think about you all through the day.
My buddy, my buddy, nobody quite so true.
Miss your voice, the touch of your hand.
Just long to know that you understand.
My buddy, my buddy.
Was she really that good, or was she
Ethan's Emily version of good?
Everybody loved her, and she writes her own music.
Does she have a record deal?
Uh, no.
But that's her dream.
Hey, isn't Mitchell's dad a record producer?
Yeah.
So why don't you introduce them?
Doesn't seem appropriate.
What?
You afraid you might not like her?
PSH, impossible.
You're afraid he will, and then she'll
get successful and leave.
No.
Are you gonna go after her when you break her up?
That's probably not gonna happen.
They're way too good for each other.
Lexie, we got another job.
What is it?
A sailboat day with Brian and Emily.
Are you in?
I want a raise.
How much?
30%.
What?
That's crazy.
I need more cash.
I want to start my own business.
By bankrupting mine?
That's what family's for.
Come on, Ethan.
Pay the woman what she's worth.
Why do you even care?
I've always been a champion for the underemployed.
You once tipped a pizza delivery guy
in sunflower seeds.
They're very tasty.
Lexie, you're just going to have to patient.
The money is coming, ok?
What, because of the golden ticket country club lady?
Last time I checked, her two lovebirds were holding hands
and watching stars.
It's not looking promising, Ethan.
I'll get them.
I always have.
Yeah, well, just in case, I want 30%.
You don't think I can train any girl off the streets
to do what you do?
30%.
I don't need you as badly as you think.
I really need her.
Yeah.
How are you gonna find a girlfriend in seven hours?
Ethan.
So, how did you guys meet?
Do you want to tell it, or...?
Sure, yeah.
We were in the park, and I was walking...
No, no.
No, she's talking about the first time that we met.
Ok, well... you know what?
Why don't you just tell it?
Ok, so we were both 7.
And I lived in another town, but our schools went on field trips
with each other.
We were at the children's museum in the planetarium,
and we all have these reclining seats so we could lay back
and look at the stars.
But my seat didn't work, and so Ethan... who was two
rows back... he came up to me.
And he had this cute little red baseball tee on.
And I was wearing... What was I wearing?
Um, that um, uh...
It was a cute black dress.
Yes, a cute black dress.
Wait, or was it yellow?
It was yellow.
Right.
Kind of a yellowish black.
You don't... you don't remember this, do you.
Sorry.
No, i... I, uh.
Anyway, Ethan gave me his seat, and he
said it was because the stars made him nauseous.
But I know he was just being nice.
I mean, what seven-year-old does that?
Oh, how sweet you guys.
And I should have known there was something special about him
then.
But you know, I kind of forgot about him,
and then we didn't talk.
And then we met back up at the park.
With our dogs.
You know, and sometimes you're lucky enough
to get a second chance with the right one.
A shooting star!
Usually shooting stars are gone in half a second.
I bet it's just a really fast plane.
Really fast plane are so romantic.
Uh, whatcha doing there?
This is my angle.
Lay back this way. - Oh.
Ok.
Got it.
So good.
You guys.
So how did you guys meet?
Ok, ok.
We were at the gym and she didn't have a spotter,
so I just came over and... thank goodness
she was being irresponsible.
You know, don't you love how that stuff just happens?
When I was looking for a seatmate, I found a soulmate.
Oh.
Wow.
And now I love him more than my own life.
Oh, don't say that.
No, I do.
Well, people say it, but is it ever really true?
You doubt my love for you?
No, absolutely not.
That is the one thing I'm certain of.
No, nuh uh.
Because I would throw myself overboard for you.
Yeah, if I was drowning.
But I don't... - no, no.
I'm not talking about if you were drowning.
I'm talking about right here, right now.
I would throw myself overboard for absolutely no reason
to prove to you that I love you.
How would that prove that you love me?
- You don't believe me? - Oh, hey.
Be careful.
No, I know you Ethan.
You're a man of action, not words.
I love words.
I don't even know what that means.
No, you want me to show you how much I love you?
Veronica, please. Sit down.
Please, please.
No!
Ethan, you need your own epiphany, just like the one
I had at the children's museum!
What?! No!
Jump in after me, Ethan!
Really?
Prove to me your love!
I would normally, but it's cold.
I have a life saver.
Hey, catch.
I've got dry clothes in the car.
I'm gonna go.
Ok.
So.
Yeah, sorry about that.
She gets a little emotional at times.
A little?
But I still like her.
I mean, she really loves you.
I guess.
You know, it must be nice.
What?
To have that kind of passion for someone.
So I had a dream about Trisha last night.
Yeah?
What about?
She came to my house in a shower curtain.
Why?
I don't know, but I woke up smiling.
I'm in love with her.
I am in love with her.
Every molecule in my body right now is in love with her.
She deserves the best, the best.
And you think that's you?
I mean, you think you're the best she can do?
Wow.
What?
No.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't...
That's an odd thing for a confidence coach to say.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
That was lousy.
I'm sorry.
But you're right.
No, Mitchell, no I'm not.
She deserves better.
No, she doesn't.
No.
I mean, she could probably get somebody real good.
Hello?
I'm a loser.
Emily?
What's the matter?
It's been kind of obvious for the past couple months
now... obvious to me, not him.
Just completely blindsided him.
I mean, no one had ever broken up with him before.
And why would anyone ever break up with him?
He's this great guy.
He's like... he's kind and generous, he's handsome.
He was perfect, just not perfect for me.
It's a whole new ball game.
Why would she call me after breaking up with her boyfriend?
It's a whole new ball game.
I just met her a few weeks ago.
Why call me?
She wanted to tell you it's a whole new ball game.
Come on, man.
The laundry basket is less than 10 feet away.
Beast?
You... you taught him how to do laundry?
Apparently not.
So should I ask her out, maybe just as friends?
You have no choice.
You have to ask her as friends.
Right, because it's too soon.
I have to give her time.
It's not that easy.
You got a girlfriend.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
So how long do I have to wait before I can break up with her?
Well, you wait too long, and then Emily finds someone else.
And not waiting long enough will seem opportunistic.
Right.
So you got to make sure you're still in Emily's life
without making it seem like you're cheating on Veronica.
Right.
I'll go to the jazz club.
She needs support.
Brian always used to be the one who watched her sing.
Now it could be me.
I'll just show up as a friend.
That's a good strategy.
Hey, was Lexie flirting with me the other day?
Stay away from my sister.
Why?
A list that long would use up all my printer ink.
Miss Atkins, hey.
Well done, Ethan.
You worked faster than I thought you could.
Uh, you know what, miss Atkins?
I don't deserve this.
She broke up with Brian without my help at all.
Nonsense.
Whatever you did, it worked.
It's part of our agreement.
I, uh... I can't accept this.
Sorry.
Suit yourself.
Did you mention Thomas?
Thomas?
The guy I want her to marry.
No.
No?
That's ok.
I'll take it from here.
Now that Brian's gone, it should be easy.
I'll wait.
But not too long.
I know it's true, there's no one, dear, but you.
You're whispering why you'll never leave me, whispering
why you'll never grieve me.
Whispering, say that you believe me, whispering that I love you.
Hey.
I got to be honest with you.
I was never a big fan of jazz, but you're changing my mind.
So I converted you.
Yeah.
I'm seriously considering renouncing
my devotion to polka.
So why were you here?
When?
The night that we met.
If you don't like jazz, then why were
you in a jazz club by yourself?
I was outside walking on my way to the drugstore,
and I heard you singing.
I just, uh... had to come in and figure out where
that sound was coming from.
Lo and behold, it was coming from there.
Yeah, you know, I lip sync to my songs.
No you don't.
You almost bought it.
Not even close.
So me and Brian were supposed to go to the fair tomorrow,
and that's obviously not happening.
So do you wanna hang out?
Sure.
Where are we going?
You'll see.
Ok.
Well, before we start, let's go in here.
My condolences on the breakup.
Oh, wow, that's very sweet.
Thank you.
But what am I supposed to do with this?
What?
I mean, we're going to be out all day.
Don't you think it'll probably be dead before I get home?
Well, i...
At least get me a silk flower.
You know, I like those better anyway.
Really?
Why?
Because you'll always have them.
Like if you put it in a vase and then you take a vacation,
when you get back, still there.
Charming as ever.
But real flowers are so perfect.
Yeah, but in a month, you'll have nothing.
Look, just save your money, and buy me a gas card.
Or I could just buy you a fake flower.
Silk flower.
Silk, excuse me.
So you really have never been here before?
Nope.
But I drive past it all the time.
I've always wondered what kind of person shops for records.
PSH, well, now you know it's you.
I never would have guessed it.
Did you know the count Basie met
his future wife Catherine three times before they
even spoke to each other?
If that didn't say count Basie, then
I wouldn't even know who it is.
So I'm going to say no.
Well, when they finally did get a chance to talk for a while,
he ended the conversation with, one of these days,
I'm going to make you my wife.
And then seven years later, he did.
It's just kind of amazing how he always
just knew what he wanted and never
took his eyes off the prize.
Seven years, phew.
So why jazz?
I don't know.
With jazz, there's just this honesty
that you don't get with other music, maybe except classical.
But jazz doesn't shy away from the hard stuff,
but it makes you feel better about the sad stuff.
So do you have sad stuff?
Of course.
Doesn't everyone?
Lost loves, unfulfilled dreams, emptiness.
So why'd you move back here?
My dad died.
Work accident.
Yeah, I heard about that.
It's a small community.
Yeah, we have relatives here, so we came back.
I'm sorry about your dad, but I'm glad you're back.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Feels like home.
You know, I had a crush on you when I was little.
Yeah?
Me?
Yep.
Yeah, just a teeny one... Microscopic, really.
I remember you being in the school spelling bee.
Mm, right.
Fifth grade.
Mmhm, yep.
And I was rooting for you, but it seemed like the moderator
was against you the whole time.
You got all the hard words.
Did I?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was ridiculous.
And then you went up against Jeremy Monchak in the finals,
and I so wanted to beat Jeremy Monchak.
It was tense, because he got the word "legislature,"
and you got the word "picturesque."
And then he got "deceitful," but he missed it.
And then you got the word "auspicious,"
and you spelled it right.
I nearly stood up and screamed.
You remember the words in the spelling bee?
Uh, it's strange what you can recall, huh?
Yeah.
And that crush you had on me, how long did that last?
Uh, it started when I was about 8.
And it lasted until I was... I don't know.
24?
That's about the timeframe.
I'm just going to grab my jacket.
I'll be two seconds.
Ok.
Yeah, sorry about the mess.
I've just been really busy.
Haven't exactly had a chance to clean yet.
No problem.
It's kind of like its own art gallery,
if art was all made up of trash.
So she's a slob.
Her apartment looks like it's inhabited by six
five-year-olds and a goat.
Thorn on the rose.
It was all I could think about.
A snag on the sweater vest.
What am I gonna do?
What's the problem?
Do you not get it?
All my life, I've dreamed of myself with this girl.
So she's a little messy.
You're a perfect match.
You don't pay the electric bill, and you'll never see the mess.
You know, it's just one thing.
You know, I don't know you
didn't want to come to my apartment for movie night.
Oh, no reason.
This car is so fun.
What movie did you pick?
Movies.
You're going to love them though, my favorite.
All five "twilight" movies.
Woo!
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Can you just give me more ice?
Thank you.
I usually root for Cambodia in the Olympics because you know,
they have the cutest flag.
It was so painful.
It doesn't sound that bad.
Weren't you listening?
Yes.
Did you hear the part about how she
licks her ice can come from the top down, never from the side?
Do you know how risky that is?
Oh my word, you have got to stop with these lists.
They're useless.
They're a visual representation of my misery.
Forget this.
You've wanted this girl since the third grade.
I didn't really know her.
Sure you did.
Not the details.
Ok, but of all the things you believed
about her in the third grade, how many of them
turned out to be true?
She's smart, talented, sweet.
She can make friends with anyone.
She's fun.
She has a big heart.
She has the greatest laugh ever.
She's beautiful.
Exactly.
So you need a new list.
This is all that matters, Ethan.
So you really like fast food, huh?
I love it.
If I could, I'd live off of taco bell and burger king.
Wouldn't you?
Come on.
I might throw something in with some vitamins here and there.
Thanks for hanging out with me lately.
Yeah, it's been great.
Yeah, it's been really nice having company, you know?
Look, I licked a leprechaun.
What?
I don't know.
A kid in third grade came up to me and said that,
and I always thought it was funny.
This isn't right.
What?
Why?
You have a girlfriend.
Exactly.
It's wrong.
And... and I can't do this to Veronica.
Hello?
What?
Ok.
Ok, I'll be right there.
Hey, uh, a friend of mine needs help.
Do you want to come?
Yeah, what does she need help with?
I don't know, but she's crying.
You're good at this.
Come on, let's go.
Ok, tell me what happened.
He said something stupid about how he doesn't deserve me.
That doesn't make any sense.
Of course it doesn't make any sense.
It's a lie.
Obviously, he found some other girl.
Do you really think that?
A boy like Mitchell doesn't stay
on the market for very long.
You know Mitchell.
He's the best, right?
You guys know each other?
Yeah, Mitchell and I go back.
Did you see this coming?
I should've known it was too good to be true.
His feelings for me?
It was a fantasy.
A fake.
A love like that only exists in the stars.
Have you dressed yourself for today?
No.
Do you even have any clean clothes?
I don't really need any.
I'm not going anywhere.
Brian isn't worth going into a tailspin over.
It's not Brian.
Oh, it's not?
No.
Good.
Then you're ready to move on.
Sort of.
We still going to Jenny's engagement party?
I mean, it's at the art gallery, so.
Good.
I'll introduce you to some people.
I don't know.
Thomas is going to be there.
I am not interested.
Honey, it's time.
You need to find someone new.
For me?
Ethan?
This just came for you.
Thanks.
And this just came for you.
Yes it did, yes it did.
Good boy.
Hello.
Rrr.
Who's a good doggy?
What's the matter with you?
I'm in love.
Me too, me too.
With a person.
I think I might actually have a chance with Emily.
Cool.
That's kind of a dream come true, isn't it?
Yeah, I know.
For the first time ever, I'm starting to doubt her.
Well, of course you are.
This is the first time it hasn't been just a fantasy.
But if you're in love, what are you waiting for?
You can't love to come fall in your lap.
You have to go get it.
Look, I've got to go.
Velma's dragging me to her cousin's birthday party.
She wants to show off her new face waxing.
She barely knows the girl.
By the way, she looks like a glazed donut.
Ok.
Hey, Tully?
How did you guys get together, anyway?
You have nothing in common and all
you do is complain about her.
I'm not complaining about her.
The weird stuff is what makes Velma Velma.
And yeah, she's got a lot of quirks,
but that's all canceled out by the fact
that she is the coolest woman I know.
True love bleaches out the blemishes.
That could be a hallmark card.
I'm going to send that in.
Sam, I need you to do something for me.
Ok.
There's a party at the art gallery tonight.
Lexie did the flowers for it, and she told me
that Emily is gonna be there.
All right.
I want you to go there and tell me how she looks... you know,
her mood and stuff like that.
That sounds like a weird assignment.
I'm gonna talk to her tonight, Sam.
And I just need to know she's ready for it.
Oh, Ethan.
She'll be ready.
Don't do anything stupid.
I'll be there in a bit.
We need to talk.
Ok.
Let me see the ring.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Hello, Thomas.
Hello,
Mrs. Atkins.
Emily.
Nice to see you.
I'm really sorry.
I never meant to fall for her, it just...
What was the problem?
Was it because I didn't move fast enough?
Because I didn't kiss you first?
No, no, no.
No, not at all.
Well, I'm never gonna find anyone as good as you.
Not true.
There are plenty of good guys out there,
and you've got qualities to attract them.
Like what?
Well, um, you're, uh, persistent.
And you're easy to hang out with.
Really pretty, of course.
Some guy is gonna wanna eat that kiss right off your face.
Um, just not this guy.
Out.
Ok.
Hi.
Oh, Emily, you have something in your teeth.
Just use the mirror in my purse.
Emily.
I have to talk to you.
Well, let me go first.
What is she doing?
Excuse me.
I just need your attention for a couple moments.
I just want to congratulate the happy couple.
Congratulations.
You know, what a perfect night... Two people in love deciding
to be together forever.
Is there anyone here who would disagree
that that's not the most perfect thing in all of life?
You know what?
I do know someone here who would disagree with that.
Ethan Cooper.
Can I just take a few moments to say
a couple things about Ethan?
No, no, no.
Wait, this... this pertains to you, I promise.
I know everything there is to know about Ethan Cooper.
I've been faithfully stalking him for six months now.
And tonight, it all becomes worth it,
because I can read you some excerpts from my journal.
Ok, may 12th.
"Ethan was hired to break up Ginny Dotson
from her boyfriend, Mike.
May 31st, Ginny Dotson broke up with Mike today."
He does this all the time.
This is what Ethan Cooper does for a living.
He's a matchbreaker.
Mothers and fathers hire Ethan to break up
their children with boyfriends and girlfriends
that they don't like.
"June 18th, Ethan was hard to break Mitchell tilten up
with his girlfriend, Trisha."
See, he does this all the time.
Emily, that's what he's doing with you.
And he used me to help.
And the worst part is I knew what
he was doing the whole time.
I knew that he just using me to help break up Emily and Brian,
but I convinced myself that he cared about me.
Not because I had any evidence of that,
I just thought you were a better man.
I've got more.
Uh, "August 18th.
Ethan worse boxers with ducks on them."
Ok, I'm done.
I don't love you.
Those were my boxers.
Oh, when I see you standing in the shadows,
I wonder why you hide your pretty face away.
When I hear you calling out my name,
you know I do it all to make things right for you.
And when I feel you shining like you shine,
that's when I know where I'm supposed to be when
you're standing by my side.
Ok, you can do this.
You've done apologies before.
You've just got to go say, hey.
It's really easy.
This is fine.
Dagnabbit.
I, uh... I just wanted to come by and say how sorry I am.
I was an idiot, and I know...
Chapter closed.
Emily.
I don't want to see you.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you would do that.
It was a mistake.
I can live my own life.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I don't want your apology.
I didn't come here for your forgiveness.
I'm hoping for that at some point,
but I realize it's not going to happen right now.
Then why are you here?
I have to tell you something.
What?
He didn't take the money.
Ethan, before you found out what he did for a living,
he refused the check.
He actually seems like a fine young man.
For what it's worth, he didn't take the money.
I need to talk to Mitchell.
We're eating dinner right now.
Yeah, well, it really can't wait.
Sorry to interrupt your dinner, but I need to borrow Mitchell.
What?
I can't accept this.
What do you mean?
I'm closing my business.
Come with me.
Oh, there's a girl that sings at the green lady lounge,
and she'll be there tonight.
Here name is Emily Atkins, and you have to see her.
She's fantastic.
You're missing out on a lot of money.
I know.
Have a nice dinner.
After you get what you want, you don't want it.
If I gave you the moon, you'd grow tired of it soon.
You're like a baby.
You want what you want when you want it.
Ok, so how did it happen?
Ethan went into his house and dragged him out.
To get you back together?
Yeah.
Mitchell's mom was so mad.
You're whispering why you'll never leave me.
Whispering why you'll never grieve me,
whispering, say that you'll believe me.
Whispering that I love you.
Looking for a job?
Yep.
But it appears that my skill set is a bit, um, niche.
Hmm.
I bet.
You know, a record producer came to the lounge last night.
Really?
Did you talk to him?
He wants a demo.
That's great.
I guess I have to make a demo.
Yeah, that's fantastic.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's... I'm really excited.
You deserve it.
Getting Trisha and Mitchell back together, that cost you.
Didn't it?
The things you do for love.
Yeah.
Why are you sitting here?
I'm a jerk, a schemer, a professional heartbreaker.
An idiot.
Yeah, that too.
So why would you sit down with me?
Because love sees past the imperfections.
Sam?
You ok?
Shh.
Sam?
I thought that was you running in.
Why are you in such a hurry?
I was just looking for some flowers.
Well, it's really great that I ran into you, because I
want to invite you to my party.
Oh.
Oh, you know, I'm actually busy that night.
Really?
Doing what?
I'm, uh, going out on a date with my girlfriend.
Your girlfriend's Lexie?
Yeah.
We're really serious.
Incredibly serious.
We've actually kissed on the lips like seven times already.
We'll probably kiss again when we go on our date.
Not at your party.
Oh, ok.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, um, thanks for the invite.
Sure.
See you later.
Bye.
Hmm.
So you want me to pretend I'm your girlfriend too?
I don't know, you're kind of expensive, like 30%.
Well, for the right guy, I might do it for free.
Should we practice?
I'd like that.
Kissy, kissy, kissy.
Tully, what are you doing here?
I was fixing your, um... your, uh.
You're here for the dog.
He missed me.
Hey.
You look different.
Oh yeah, I got a new doggy razor for beast,
but I tried it on myself first because his skin is
so sensitive.
Well, you look great.
Thanks.
Whatcha you doing here?
I'm fixing your, uh... your, uh...
He's here for the dog.
He missed me.
Oh, ok.
You know, you guys need each other.
Why don't you just take him?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Did you hear that, beast?
You're coming home with me.
Velma is gonna love you.
You guys kinda look the same, too.
Oh, hey, a box came for you.
Cool.
Nice.
I could probably use this.
Why?
Because of your annoying habit of being so adorable.
Yeah.
I'm reading this first.
Lexie.
I have an idea.
How about we go to the park, reading
my book aloud while simultaneously
listening to your Cd?
Hmm.
Can it immediately be followed by watching a "twilight" movie
of your choice?
Hmm, that's far too much excellence in one night.
I think you're right.
Let's go straight for the movie.
It's time to top off the night with some team Jacob.
Edward.
Team Edward.
Oh, I poked a bees' nest.
Now I've gone and done it.
I took a good thing and messed it up.
All those things I wish I didn't do,
but I'd take the fall as long as is it's for you.
Uh, now I'm gonna have to get my act together.
Tell me about your daughter.
For starters, she's socially awkward.
At one time, she was very interested in, uh, manicuring.
She's really fashionable, and he never matches
his belt with the shoes.
You give her a science book, and she's
human chemistry.
So how did she get a boyfriend?
We have no idea.
How did they meet?
She picked him up on the side of the road.
Hitchhiking.
She was on her skateboard, and that's
where she met this, um, fellow.
Kind of a turd in a punchbowl kind of thing.
I hate to confess, but I actually tried to pay the guy
off to get him to leave.
How much did you offer him, honey?
Not enough.
He recently got her into anime and that is not ok.
I don't even think that they talked at all together.
When he came over...
They were texting across the table.
He's a little bit of a bum.
I mean, she's a great girl.
She deserves a great guy.
He wants to breed ants.
I'm not really fond of his skateboard.
Who breeds ants?
Long term is what I'm worried about.
I mean, how are they gonna provide for my grandchildren?
We need you.
We really need your help.
We love our daughter.
She's awkward, but we love her.
They've got to be broken up.
When could you start?