Just your nose and then we're done, Mr. Frost.
You butt-fucker!
I'm a baby.
Boys! It's dinner time. Come inside please.
Hey, Mom. I know I said that I would stay home and pack tonight...
Yeah, of course I'm wearing headphones.
Anyway, yeah, so surprise! I'm not home. Um...
The Lerners asked me to babysit. What?
Sneak off and see Ricky? Why would you... why would... why...
Shit!
Sorry.
Ashley! Ashley, are you okay?
Hi, Mom, no, no, no, everything's fine. It's just traffic.
Mom, look, I gotta go. I love you.
Yeah, come here, come here. Come on, give me a challenge.
Oh, that's right, you can't, 'cause I'm the best.
- Okay, here we go. - Damn, I'm on a streak!
"Want to put her in the mood? Watch a horror movie.
"When we're scared, our brains pump out dopamine...
"...the same chemical we release when we're aroused."
So fear really makes girls wet?
- Told ya. - Bam!
You believe everything you read online.
- It's like with the paint cans. - Oh, my God...
...are we seriously back to the paint can debate? I ended that last week.
- I was unconvinced. - No, no, no, no, no, we looked it up.
That ER doctor said that the paint can would've smashed the robber's face in.
Just admit you're wrong.
Only reason to read this stuff is for the pictures.
It's a plus. I know what women want.
- Dude. - What?
She's, like, twice our age. I really don't think it's gonna happen.
Five years. Big deal. My parents are five years apart.
You don't get it. Luke, Ashley's a ten. A solid ten.
And you're like a fi...
- Never mind. - She likes me, I know it.
- It's tonight or never. - Okay, go ahead.
But my brother gave me weed, so instead of trying to bone your babysitter...
...maybe we could just, you know... puff-puff?
No, man, I'm going through with the plan.
Don't mess it up for me.
I mean, Luke, for both our sakes, I truly, sincerely hope you get some ass...
...sistance... uh, with that computer problem you got.
Like, technical assistance. Call, uh, Geek Squad.
- They're good. - Real smooth, Einstein.
- You smell great, Mrs. Lerner. - Don't you have a curfew, Garrett?
- Yeah, but my mom said I could stay in... - Bed by 11:00, okay?
- I know. - And don't forget to brush your teeth.
I will, Mom.
- I left pizza money. - Okay!
Robert.
Robert, turn that shit off. It's giving me a migraine.
Yes, uh, darling. My ornaments were conspicuously missing from the tree.
We're not putting those on the tree.
Bell shoes, or I'll chop your legs off below the knees.
Are you sure you've never sucked another man's cock?
Not even in college? Not some lost weekend?
Fishing trip? Secret, special friend? Ever?
- Not that I can recall. - Because, honestly, Robert, this is so...
Meterosexual?
That's not even the word. It's metro. Metrosexual.
- I'm allowed to like gay things. - I need a drink.
Oh, my God, the fetus machine!
I forgot you still had this.
What the fuck? Dude!
That is so creepy. I'm sorry. Please tell me you don't still sleep with this.
- You totally do. - Shut up, dick.
- You so do. - Of course not.
Hey, maybe it'll put you in the mood while you're, you know...
She's here.
Good Lord, you are breathtaking.
- Thank you. - Nice sweater.
- Thanks, nice tie. - Thank you.
So, uh, you're leaving us. Deandra says that you're moving.
- Yeah, in a couple of days, to Pittsburg. - Did I give you permission?
So thank you for coming because you've gotta be busy packing.
Yeah, but I mean, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
- Wow! What a nice thing to say. - Mrs. Lerner, you look incredible.
Well, thank you. But I told you, call me Deandra.
"Mrs. Lerner" makes me sound fossilized.
Robert!
Oh, look who decided to come out of his room.
Don't I remember something about the trash getting taken out?
And don't forget the shovel.
Go on, Luke, and then we can hang out.
Yeah, come on, you grab the garbage and I'll get the recycling.
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna miss that girl.
New carpets!
Damn it, Rob.
Here we go.
Okay, I want to show you this. We're going to do things a little bit differently.
- Lucas has been sleepwalking again. - Oh.
No, crap!
Just a minute.
Garrett, what are you doing in here?
Oh. Uh, do you have any itch cream?
- My shoulder really... - Top shelf.
Honestly, that kid is a bad influence.
I want you to keep an eye on him.
Once he's brushed and he's in bed, don't forget to give him his sleeping pill, okay?
Then you take this pencil and you put it on his door handle. See? Like that.
That way, if he stays in, great. If he walks around, we know.
And what he doesn't know can't hurt him.
- Honey, it's time to go! - All right.
Okay, Ashley, call us if you need anything, all right?
See ya. Good luck.
Now, don't stay up and watch scary movies, okay? It'll give you nightmares again.
Please don't do that. You're embarrassing the lad.
- Robert, that tie. - I know, right!
No, wrong. Please, please, please? Thank you.
Always be...
...prepared.
Please don't embarrass me like last year.
I promise.
Finally.
So what do you wanna do?
- Movie? - Actually, I gotta make a call.
So how about you hang out and play video games or something?
This is just happening so fast, you know?
I just need some space tonight.
Like, clear my head, say goodbye to everything, if that makes any sense.
Ricky, of course I wanted to see you.
I don't know. 11:30.
Well, if you want to break a few dozen perv laws...
...you could always ignore me and come over anyway.
Ricky, no, that was a joke. No, don't.
Luke! Luke!
- What? - There's a spider. Kill it.
Just kill it. Squish it!
It didn't do anything wrong.
Ash!
Ashley! Ashley, are you okay?
What?
I can handle myself just fine, thank you.
The answer's still no.
Go on. You're free now.
There you go, big guy.
Ricky, I know.
Yes, I know I leave soon.
You know you're my guy. Can't we hang out tomorrow?
Okay.
Okay. Okay, well, maybe if kiddo falls asleep early.
Okay. All right, bye.
Luke?
Luke!
Luke, where are you?
Luke!
- Lucas, what are you doing? - Oh, you won't?
No, you are way too young to be drinking. Give me that.
- Oh, this? - Yes, that. Give it to me.
Lucas, stop! What has gotten into you?
One time me and Garrett drank a whole bottle.
He puked so bad. He can't hold his liquor like me.
Wow, I'm super impressed, okay? Now, give it.
Lucas, I'm so serious right now.
Don't.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Pardon me.
You forgot to shut the door, doofus.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Hey, no, sorry, I can't... I can't talk right now.
He just opened a bottle of champagne.
Uh-uh, no, that is not an invitation.
Look, um, listen, I don't think tonight's gonna work out.
A chance to what? Make things harder than they already are? What?
Okay, you know what? That was a low blow, and I'm gonna hang up now.
Busted.
Me? What about you, mister?
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
Okay, deal.
You know, drinking won't impress me, okay? I already think you're pretty cool.
Let's, uh... let's get some food into you, hey?
- Pepperoni or Hawaiian? - Anything but mushrooms.
Why don't you start the...
Whoa, calm down. Have another drink.
Lerner residence.
Hello?
Help! Somebody help me!
Come on, come on!
- Who was it? - No one.
Why are you dating Ricky?
He's such a jerk.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.
How did you mean it?
It's just like first Jeremy and now Ricky.
You could choose any guy in the world, and you're choosing these guys...
- ...who treat you like shit. - Luke...
...first off, you're sweet...
...but second, there's actually a really wonderful side to Ricky.
And my move's been really tough on us, so be nice.
Plus, you're drunk, kiddo.
I am not drunk and I am not a kiddo.
- You're 12. - Thirteen in a few weeks.
- I'm mature for my age. - I know.
If I were your age, I'd date you.
Really?
Shit! I forgot to order the pizza.
God, Luke, you didn't tell me you ordered something.
I didn't.
Hi. Sorry, we didn't order that.
This 312 Claremont?
- Yeah. - Well, someone ordered this.
It was probably my dad. Here, keep the change.
Hey, you, uh... you have a pleasant night.
Okay, thanks.
Plates and napkins, mister...
I fuckin' hate this thing.
- You come here a lot? - Every now and then.
Come here to think, be by myself.
What? It's good ambience.
You are something else tonight.
Wait, if your dad ordered the pizza, why is there mushrooms on it?
I don't know, 'cause they're like vegetables?
- Hey, you mind grabbing those beers? - Sure, hold on.
Hello?
Cindy, don't be stupid.
My boyfriend's going to kill me if I don't get home soon.
Your boyfriend isn't here.
You're bad.
So what are your family's plans for the holidays?
Drinking and arguing.
You crack me up.
Ricky, why can't you just leave me alone?
Look, I'll be back in one second, okay?
Hello?
Oh, you crack me up.
Okay, we'll see.
Yeah, I don't know. I said, "We'll see!"
Hey, I'm still pissed at you, you know. You don't get off that easy.
I'll talk to you later, maybe. Okay, bye-bye.
Hey...
...you'll always be my little buddy. You know that, right?
- Can we just watch the movie? - Hey, where'd you go?
Bobby, are you up there?
Oh, my God! No, I can't! I can't watch this part.
Why would... why would they go into the attic? It's just...
...oh, it's so stupid.
Oh, God!
- Did you hear that? - Mmm-mmm.
Luke, Luke, Luke, no! No, no, no, Luke.
- Why? - No, just because, Luke.
- I know you've been drinking... - So have you, so why won't you kiss me?
Because, Luke, it is the most inappropriate thing ever!
Okay?
Lerner residence.
- Are you gonna talk? - I can see you.
Is this Jeremy?
Joey, is that you?
If you can see me, how many fingers am I holding up?
No, let's get out of here. There's somebody out there.
- There's somebody over there! - Luke, could you just turn that off?
- Why? - Can you just, please?
Come on, let's go. There's somebody out there...
Can you... give me that. Luke?
Was it Jeremy?
I don't think so.
Then who was it?
Everyone knows he's totally obsessed with you.
What the fuck!
Where's the hose? I'm spraying whoever's out there.
Luke, get my phone!
- Oh, goddamn it, Luke! - Oh, shit! Sorry!
- God, do you know how much that cost me? - I didn't mean to.
8 Plus. Do you not look when you're throwing?
Ashley, my mom'll buy you another one.
Oh, Luke!
- What, I'm not scared. - Yeah, well, we don't know who it is.
Then look.
No one's there.
What the hell?
Luke, no! Don't. What are you... Luke!
Whoever's out there, cut it out. I know tae kwon do.
See? Scared 'em...
Hi. How are you?
Get off me!
Dude! Your guy's faces! Your faces. You were like...
- You asshole! - What the hell, man?
- Come on, I'm just checking up on you kids. - I nearly called the fucking police!
What were you doing sneaking around back there?
- Back where? - In the backyard.
I didn't go in the backyard.
Stay here.
- What was that? - I... I don't...
- Hey, hey, hey, what's that for? - Luke, where's your phone?
- My parents took it. - I have one.
Okay, dial 911. I'm going up there. If I scream, press send and hide, got it?
Okay.
Dude, if this is a prank, I'm kicking you in the balls.
- Jesus! What are you doing? Stay down there. - We heard something.
- Please don't leave us alone. - Okay, but just stay right behind me.
Where did the noise come from?
Oh, my God.
Someone's about to spend Christmas in fucking jail.
What?
My phone always works here.
What?
What the fuck? Where's the computer?
- Guys! - It's in my room.
We need the police. If this is Jeremy, I'm not even fucking around.
- Shit. - What the hell? Where's FinnAndJake?
- What's that? - The network. It's gone.
- How are they doing this? - Okay, Luke, come with me.
Garrett, stay here and just get on another one of those like...
- Wi-Fi? - They're all locked.
No, God, Garrett! Just use your fuckin' techno magic.
Hey. Hey! What the fuck's that supposed to...
Jesus Christ!
Okay, we just need to find the security panel, and the cops'll be here in minutes.
How the hell don't you have a security system?
We never needed one. It's a really safe neighborhood.
Okay, we'll just take my car. We'll grab it and we'll, um...
What is it?
Stay back. Get against the door.
Garrett! Garrett!
Garrett, what are you doing? Get down!
Garrett, get away from the window!
- It was on the other side. - What was?
What the fuck is that?
Did you hear that?
Get upstairs. Everybody get upstairs. Move! Shit!
- I'm getting out of here. - Garrett, come back! Garrett!
Garrett!
What happened to Garrett?
Is he hurt?
Listen, okay?
We're gonna... we're gonna go upstairs, okay?
In the bedroom and lock the door and hide.
And then what?
And then what? We're going to scream out of the window, okay?
We're going to scream as hard as we can until the neighbors can hear...
- ...and then they'll call the cops. - What if they shoot us?
What if it makes them come inside?
Look at me.
I need your help, and I need you to stay calm.
- We're gonna get through this, okay? - Okay.
- Do your parents have a gun? - Yeah.
Where do they keep it?
By my parents' bed, Dad's side.
Okay, we get the gun. And if anyone tries to come inside, we'll...
...you know, we'll shoot 'em.
Okay.
Hug the wall and stay in the shadows, okay?
There's someone there.
What are they doing?
What do they want?
What do we do?
Go, go, go, go, go, go. He's coming!
Okay.
Okay, Luke, we're just going to stay here until they leave.
They killed Garrett. What if they kill my parents, too?
No. Lucas, that is not going to happen, okay?
- I think we should get the gun. - No, Luke...
...the guys down there have a shotgun, okay? No, we're staying here.
What are you doing? Stay here! Jesus, Luke.
Lucas! Seriously!
Luke, they can hear us. Where are you?
- Shit, something's on me. Luke! - What?
- Oh, shit, something's on me! - What is it?
Shit!
No, no, on my face! Get it off!
- Ash, look at me! - Get it off! Get it off!
Look at me!
I got you. You're going to be okay.
- I can't do this. - I've just gotta get my dad's gun.
Then we'll be okay.
It's okay.
It's okay to cry.
I'm scared, too.
- But I have to get the gun. - Wait, no.
Wait.
Quick! I think he's downstairs.
- Is that loaded? - Yeah, I checked.
No!
Okay, go, go, go.
You stay here. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna scare them away.
- No, no, Luke, stay here. - Don't worry, I'll protect you.
Luke, going out there's not brave, okay? It's stupid. Luke!
- Trust me. Let go of me. - Luke, come back!
- Oh, my God! - Shit!
- Can you turn it off? - It won't.
Go away.
Luke, I'm so sorry.
Please go away.
That's your mask.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
- Ash, no! - Garrett!
Ah, dude?
Take that mask off!
What?
What? Is this a fuckin' joke?
I... we were gonna scare you.
Yeah, you did. You scared the shit out of me. Why? Why? Why would you do that?
I was gonna go save you, but dipshit here...
Luke, your friend is holding a real gun!
- This is serious. How could you do that? - Because you treat me like a child.
And what, you were going to show me how much of a man you were by...
...rescuing me from fake armed robbers? You are a child!
I almost broke my neck.
What delusional infant thinks that staging a break-in...
...is gonna get you to second base?
You're mental!
You're a selfish brat with no consideration, and you need therapy. Lots of it.
I'm gonna go and put your dad's hunting stuff...
No, Garrett, you stay right fucking there. Luke, you are in so much trouble.
I'm calling your parents.
Ashley.
- Ashley! Ashley! - What?
Dude, what'd you just do?
What the fuck did you just do?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm moving so fast!
Whoa! Okay, uh, kill-fuck Mary with the Adventure Time chicks.
Go.
Fuck Princess Bubblegum.
- What? Not Marceline? - Hell no.
One, she's made of bubble gum so she can, like, stretch, which leads to two...
- ...her pussy tastes like bubble gum. - Ooh, dude, that means she's all, like...
...like sticky and moist and shit.
- Dude, those are pros. - Where'd you learn that, your mom?
No, your sister.
Further, everyone from the Candy Kingdom is ravenous for flesh...
...so you know she gives legendary head.
Yeah, as long as you don't mind cutting gum out of your pubes.
Not that you have to worry about that.
Oh, my God, dude.
You gotta have one of these. It's like...
...it's like marshmallows.
Everywhere.
Maybe I should have given you a half dose.
- What'd you call it again? - Oxy.
Oxy. It's awesome.
It's awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.
Awesome.
Is that a word?
Oh, I gotta do that again.
I'm gonna go and explore.
Watch the carpet! Dammit, my mom will kill me!
- Sorry. - Just get out of there.
Come on.
Sure you know what you're doing?
Always.
Something's missing.
What the fuck is going on?
Jesus! How many different lotions do you have?
There.
All better.
Dude, that's fucked up.
Come on, it's hilarious. What do you think, Ashley?
Oh, thank you, Luke. I've literally never looked better!
You're probably wondering what's going on.
It's out in the open now.
You know how I feel about you.
Look...
...I really, really don't want to shoot you, Ashley...
...but I will.
So if I take the gag off, you won't scream, right?
'Cause then I have no other choice but to shoot you, and like I said...
...I really, really don't want to.
You get me?
- Luke, listen to me, okay? - Uh-uh-uh. I didn't say talk.
You talk when I tell you.
Okay. Talk.
Luke, listen to me, okay? I think I have a concussion.
I need to go to the hospital. Put the gun down and untie me.
- This needs to stop immediately. - No.
Whatever you think that you're gonna get away with, you're not.
Ashley, you used to tell me I could get away with murder.
- Luke! - I'm just kidding. God, Ashley.
Lighten the fuck up. I'll tell you what.
- Let's play truth or dare. - How about you untie me right fucking now?
Language, Ashley.
If you win, I will untie you, but if you lose...
...well, if you lose...
...then you drink this.
What is that?
We'll call it my insurance policy.
Isn't it amazing what you can get on the playground these days.
Luke, I have known you since you were eight.
You're threatening me with a gun tonight. This is not okay.
Whatever. Neither is, like, political corruption in West Africa.
By the way, I need help with that paper. It's due Monday.
Okay, Ashley, I'll go first.
- Truth or dare? - I dare you to grow up.
Truth or dare, Ashley?
Don't make me point the gun at you.
This is so stupid.
- Truth. - I knew you'd say that.
Okay, truth. How many guys have you fucked?
What? Luke, what are you doing? This isn't you.
Just answer the question.
- None. - Bullshit! You're not a virgin.
Everybody knows you screwed Jeremy.
No, I broke up with him because he went around telling everybody that.
Okay. Guess it's my turn then.
Uh, Luke, truth or dare?
Well, it'll be dare of course.
Okay. Um...
I dare you to touch her tit.
- No, please don't do that. - It's the universal rules, Ashley.
Do you have a preference?
Right or left?
Fine, I'll pick.
Oh, that is nice.
I can see what all the fuss is about.
Dude, are you...
- Shut up! - Hey, hey. Hey, why are you shoving?
Don't push me, dude. I will kick your ass.
Okay. Okay.
It's pretty nice, huh? How'd that feel?
Like a little boy just felt me up.
Ashley...
...do you know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love you back?
- More than you'd know. - No, you don't. Everyone loves you.
- All the guys wanna fuck you. - Oh, Luke. You are in so much trouble...
...the both of you, when your parents come home.
They're never going to find out.
Your turn.
- Luke, truth or dare. - Why isn't anybody asking me?
Truth.
Did you ever tell Garrett that you killed his hamster?
- What? - The answer is no. Next turn.
You said LeBron escaped out of the hole in my screen.
- He did. He was just dead first. - What the fuck, man?
It was an accident and besides, it was, like, two years ago.
You have a cat now so he would have died anyway.
Garrett, truth or dare?
Why would you lie to me?
Truth or dare?
Dare.
Dare, and you'd better dare us to...
- ...to make out or something. - Not on your life.
- Why not? Why do you get to have all the fun? - Because she's my babysitter.
- You don't touch her. - Then what am I even doing here, dude?
We were just gonna scare her and now this has turned into, like, shit.
What if we get caught? Look, I don't like this, man.
Really?
Dude, stop! What are you doing?
Dude, I'm done, man. I just wanna go home.
No, no, no, you can't go now. We have to finish this.
This isn't as much fun as you said it would be.
What if someone finds out? You know what they do to white kids in jail.
Garrett, listen to me. You're an accomplice now.
You'll get caught if you don't help me.
We have to stick to the plan. She won't remember any of this, trust me.
Fine. Let's just... let's get this over with.
Shit!
Aw, so close.
So, because you cheated, here's what's gonna happen.
When my parents get home, they'll find you...
...passed out and realize that after I went to sleep...
...you raided the liquor cabinet and partied hard...
...before your big move to Pittsburg.
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
And in the morning...
...you won't remember any of this.
Luke walked me through. It's the best way.
Luke is taking you straight to jail with him, Garrett.
You're making a big mistake. Just run. Call the cops now. You can stop this.
- Drink. - Hard pass.
Come on! You love drinking. You drink with Ricky all the time.
What's the problem?
Eyes up here.
If you drink, all of this goes away.
We don't have to do this.
Drink.
Oh, you bitch!
Help!
No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
Stop.
Stay calm, and stay here and clean this up.
Okay.
Hey, hey.
- Who is it? - I'm here to see Ashley.
- Ricky? - Yeah, man, open the door.
- She's not here. - Listen, I know she's in there.
She texted me to come over, like, half an hour ago.
She doesn't want to see you.
- I just wanna talk to her. - Go away.
She doesn't love you anymore.
She told me.
Ashley!
- Ashley, come out and talk to me! - Dude, shut up! She doesn't want to see you.
All right. All right.
Hey, listen, man. Could you just give her these, please?
Fine. Pass them through the door.
All right, awesome. Thanks, man.
- Get the fuck out of here. - Hey, get out!
Ash!
You have pizza?
Ash!
Dude, what the... why is that music so loud?
Ash!
Are you hiding?
- 'Cause I'll find you! - No! She's upset.
Dude, I know that. What do you think these are for?
- So she can't see you till tomorrow. - Be quiet please. Please, please!
Dude, why not?
Hey, I got... I got the rat.
The big rat. The fucker was fast, but I got him...
Where is she?
Where's Ash?
Upstairs, but it's probably better if you come back tomorrow. No!
It's not just you. She has cramps.
- What? - Menstrual cramps.
- It's real bad. - Yeah, she has diarrhea, too.
Oh.
Ash! I'm gonna come up! I don't care what you have.
- Fucking diarrhea? - Sorry, dude. What do we do?
I don't know. Just stay with her.
What the hell are you doing?
That was so not cool.
Ash!
- Dude, where the hell is she? - I told you, she doesn't want to see you.
Ashley! Come on, you don't have to be embarrassed.
Babe!
Don't you, have like...
...some tampons, or something?
Dude, what happened...
What the fuck?
Hey!
What the fuck are you doing?
What have you done with her?
Hey, where is she?
You're fuckin' dead, you little piece of shit!
Hey, hey, hey! Ah, drop it. Drop it.
I'm serious. I'll blow your fuckin' face off in three, two...
All right, all right, all right.
Whoa, man! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Okay, don't shoot me, okay? - Okay, get on your knees. Please.
- Okay, okay. All right, all right! - Please, get on your knees.
Okay, thank you.
- He lines up the shot. - No, no, no! Luke!
What the fuck? Holy shit! What do we do now?
- Isn't this exciting? - No! No, dude, we're going to jail.
Don't you get it? We're going to fucking jail!
- Luke, we're gonna fuckin' die in prison. - No, we're not.
Fuck!
Why can't we just roofie them both?
That was all I had. And even if it wasn't...
...Jiffy Lube here has a fucking hole in his face.
You really messed things up, Ricky.
Things just got a whole lot more complicated for me and Garrett.
Ah.
- Just let Ricky go. - We both know I can't do that.
We can say that he fell on an exposed nail or something.
Garrett can go with him to verify the conversation with his roommate.
You and I, we stay here, we clean up.
You go to bed before your parents get home and then...
You call the cops and they arrest me in my jammies.
I don't think so, Ash.
What if she's serious?
- Dude, she can help us get out of this. - You got a lot to learn about women.
Why didn't you listen? I said I'd text you.
- You did text me. - What?
Check my phone.
- You texted him. - What are you talking about?
You don't want us to get out of this. You invited him here!
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - Luke, what the...
- You texted Ricky to come here, didn't you? - No, man. Why would I do that?
Okay, I did. I was gonna tell you, but Grease Monkey got here 15 minutes early.
Caught me off guard.
- Lighten up. I got it all planned out. - Yeah, what else you got planned?
- What else are you gonna lie to me about? - Garrett, go take a walk...
...and chill the fuck out.
Garrett? Garrett, no, please don't go. Please.
Just take another oxy if you have to.
Oh, look.
Your phone still works.
It's about time we invite our second guest.
The douchebag ex.
Jeremy?
Invite him here.
I'm not asking.
You're not going to shoot me, Luke.
I will shoot you, Ashley, if you don't invite him here...
...right now.
Sorry, kiddo.
I'm not involving anyone else in your bullshit.
Fine.
God, please don't pick up. Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up.
Please don't pick up. Please don't pick up.
No, not again with the duct tape.
1,001 uses for duct tape.
- Hello? - Hey, Jeremy.
Uh, who's this?
I'm actually calling for Ashley.
There's no Ashley here, dude. Wrong number.
Oh, my God, what a moron!
I can't believe you dated this guy.
- Hello? - Hey, Jeremy, don't hang up.
I'm here with Ashley. She wants to talk to you...
- ...but not on the phone. - Who is this?
She's being all weird. I think she wants you to come over.
- She's babysitting me and... - Is this that little taint on Claremont?
- Yes. - Tell her to stay there.
- I'm coming over right now. - Okay, come around the back.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
Luke. Luke, listen to me, okay? You don't know what you're doing.
If you don't stop, someone's going to get hurt.
Don't you remember when you killed Garrett's hamster?
You cried when you told me about it. You were sad.
It wasn't an accident.
As if.
Say it, you grease monkey loser.
You actually think Ashley's gonna remember you in a year?
Whatever you just said, say it again, I fucking dare you.
I said... I need the bathroom.
Gross! Stop it!
Fucking mongo!
- God, I'm getting us out of here. - Ash, as soon as you're free, you run.
I'm serious, don't turn back. I can handle myself.
Listen. Keep cutting.
Look, I know you've been avoiding me 'cause you've got this whole future planned out.
You know, you got college, you got a career.
The kid's right. I don't have those things.
I just want you to know I'm happy for you.
You're gonna be awesome.
He's coming. Hurry!
Dude, your piss reeks.
Reeky. What the fuck you been eating?
Jeremy lives, like, 30 minutes away, right? Ugh!
We've got time to kill.
Fuck!
Yeah, fuck!
I want to watch the two of you fuck.
- Listen, you little shit... - No, you listen to me.
- I got the gun. - Just let him play big boy. He likes that.
Ashley says she's a virgin, but I bet you hit that shit twice a day, right, Reeky?
You haven't?
Well, tonight's your night, guys.
I'm just kidding.
God, relax.
I'm not a pervert.
It's not piss.
Garrett, what the fuck!
What, man? You told me to calm down.
Nobody's smoking weed in the house!
Well, like, next time be more specific.
You moron! My mom's gonna kill me!
Stop bossing me around.
- Give it to me. - No.
- Give it. Hey! Give it to me! - No.
- Hurry up! - I am. Shit!
- Puff. - No, man. I don't fuck with that shit.
Luke, just...
Garrett, both of you guys, okay, can we just talk and relax?
I feel like there's a solution that can make everybody happy.
You're right. We all just need to relax.
Ricky, you first.
- I said no. - Do you want a hit from the joint...
- ...or a hit from the gun? - Luke, stop it!
I'm giving him a choice.
- Whoa! - That's awesome!
Hey, stop it!
What are you doing? Stop!
The house smells like marijuana so I need to get it in his system.
- What do you mean, "In his system"? - Garrett, come here. Help me pull.
Where are you taking him?
Stay there, smoke up.
Dude, why do you hang out with this guy?
Because he's my best friend.
- You sure about that? - Yeah.
You painting something?
We're gonna see who's right once and for all, MythBusters style.
Hey, Garrett, in Scouts, were clove hitches clockwise or counter-clockwise?
- Clove who? - Never mind. Got it.
Got what?
- Dude, what the fuck is going on? - Dude...
...I have no idea.
- Whoa! What the fuck, man? - Oh, you're fucking Home Aloning him?
- Dude, what are you doing, man? - Please, let me out of this.
- Is it level with his head? - What are you doing? You're gonna kill him!
- Just stop it. - Garrett. Garrett, right?
- Yeah. Okay. - Please untie me.
You said that the paint can would knock him back, like in the movie.
Okay, I take it back. Everything I said, I'm sorry. You win. Just stop it, please.
Let's just try it one more time.
Ashley!
Oh, shit!
- Blindfold him. - No, no way, man.
Dude, stop, man, stop! This is fucked!
Garrett, I'm warning you.
Blindfold him.
Listen, man, whatever it is, I'm sorry.
All right? Luke, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hitting you, man.
- Make sure it's good and tight. - You don't have to do this, guys!
You are fucking insane!
- Ashley! - Oh, fuck it!
Ashley!
Put it down, or I will shoot you!
Thank God, Ashley, thank God.
- I said, put it down! - Okay.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit, his head! His head... it just exploded!
I told you, Garrett. I told you!
Why are you laughing?
I said, why are you laughing?
Because you can't shoot me, Ash.
Don't come any closer, I mean it.
A responsible parent always keeps the ammo separate.
Garrett, get her!
If she gets away, we're both dead!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck!
- Hey, hey! Please, please! - No! No!
Hey, hey, just come back. Just come back. Oh, hey! Fuck!
Get off of me, you crazy fuck!
- Hey! - Get away from me!
Please. Please!
- No! - It would make everything easier, please!
Let go!
Ow! What the fuck?
No, no, no, no, no, Ashley! Ashley! Ashley! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
# Filling the air, oh, how they pound, raising the sound...
Help!
# People sing songs of good cheer, Christmas is here
# Merry, merry, merry Christmas Merry, merry, merry Christmas
# On, on they send, on without end Their joyful tone to ev'ry home
- # Ding, dong - # On, on they send, on without end
- # Ding, dong - # Their joyful tone to ev'ry home
# Ding, dong #
# Hark the herald angels sing
# Glory to the newborn King
# Peace on earth and mercy mild
# God and sinners reconciled
# Joyful all ye nations rise
# Join the triumph of the skies
# With the angelic host proclaim
# Christ is born in Bethlehem
# Hark the herald angels sing
# Glory to the newborn King #
- Oh, thank you, that was wonderful! - Thank you!
- Hope the cocoa keeps your guys warm! - Have a good night. Merry Christmas.
There's a couple of new folks in the group this year.
Really improved their harmonizing.
Oh, look who's awake.
Tough break, Ash. The carolers are gone, and...
...the Lingards next door?
Well, they're in Florida.
I got rid of Ricky for you.
It hurts now, but you'll thank me later.
You like that?
Mmm-hmm.
Why did you kill him?
Correction. You killed him by smoking pot in the house.
That weed is evidence. You wanna go to jail?
It was a fucking joint, dude.
You didn't have to kill someone.
Garrett, we are going to get out of this.
Remember when you ditched fourth period and got caught?
Who convinced them that you stopped some vandals in the locker room?
Me.
When my mom caught us stealing from her purse...
...who faked sleepwalking so you could slip out?
- Say it. - This is so much bigger.
Dude, I am the Harry Houdini of getting away with it.
I know how tonight plays out, and we get out clean.
You just gotta do what I say.
Okay?
I said, okay?
- Yeah. - Good.
Now, watch this.
Ashley is going to make a post.
Something simple, like...
"Why can't exes just go away? Jeremy is, like, freaking me out!"
Now, all you gotta do is make sure she stays quiet while I deal with Jeremy.
Deal with him? You mean kill him?
Of course not! God, Garrett. Just...
...we'll just plant a little seed.
And after that, we'll get the paint off you 'cause you look like a fucking hot dog.
I don't want to know.
Garrett, please.
Whatever it is, just please stop.
Hmm.
Hey.
Hey, Ash. Hey.
Hey, it's good to see you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah!
We all good, yeah. Yeah, we cool.
We're cool. Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Yeah, we cool! Fuck yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Ash! Ashley!
Fuck! What the fuck is that?
Ashley!
Ashley?
Ashley!
Shh! Please.
Ashley?
Please be quiet, please be quiet. Please. Please be quiet.
Ashley, come on.
Ashley.
- Ashley. - Hi.
Holy shit, man. You scared the fuck out of me.
- Where is she? - Inside.
- Okay, cool. - Wait.
- What? - Just slow down. Come here.
Have a seat.
- No. Where's Ashley, dude? - She's coming. Chill out.
She's just asked me to come talk to you first.
I just want tonight to be over.
What the hell's that? You said she wanted to see me.
- She wants you to apologize. - For what?
- Shh! Don't wake the neighbors. - I could give a fuck!
A fuck about the fucking neighbors.
She said that you'd know.
Fine. Where is she? I'll apologize.
She wants you to write it down.
This is so fuckin' stupid.
"Dear, Ashley.
"I'm sorry."
- That's it? - What?
What do you want me to say?
I'm just asking, is that it?
Should I go tell her you're done?
Here, fuck.
Shit.
"Ashley.
"I am so sorry."
- I don't know why I'm doing this. - Because you're a good person, okay?
And you didn't know any better and you didn't know what he was capable of.
Just untie me, okay? We'll run across the street and we'll call the cops.
But Luke will freak out if he finds that you're gone.
He won't hurt you. Okay? I won't let him.
- He's my best friend. - No, he's not.
Luke doesn't give a shit about you, Garrett. He uses you, he manipulates you.
No friend would put you through tonight.
There, she wants Shakespeare?
Kid?
I'm done!
Hey, kid, where'd you...
Fucking cat!
Hey, kid, where'd you...
- Ah! Ow! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna fix this, okay? It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I'm really sorry, Ashley.
I just wish I'd had the balls to step up...
I told you not to touch her, you asshole!
You shot...
- You shot me. - Look what you made me do!
I'm... I'm dying.
Why did you make me do it? Why did you make me do it?
Help! Help!
- Help! Help! - Shut up!
I want my mom...
Fuck! Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck! Shit!
Fuckin' hell.
He was starting to annoy me anyway.
You were never going to let me go, were you?
Guilty.
I remember, my mom used to tuck me in.
I'd hold onto her and never let go.
She felt so safe.
I'd just fall asleep.
Then she stopped.
I don't know why.
And now...
...I don't sleep well anymore.
I know exactly why she stopped.
Why?
Open your eyes. Ashley, open your eyes.
Just answer the question! Look at me!
Tell me I'm fucked up. Tell me you're disappointed!
Tell me you're scared or you wanna go home. Say something!
Ashley.
Please... say something.
Goodnight.
Shit, the hole in his cheek.
Fuck!
What the... shit. Shit.
Fuckin' deers!
It wasn't even funny, and Chantal and Dave...
...could not stop talking about how awful it was. I was so embarrassed.
Oh, dude, they're just being cunts.
- They're what? - Nothing.
Are we talking about some sort...
We're not talking about sex, are we? 'Cause after this meal, I feel bloated.
Oh, my God, where's Lucas? Oh, my God!
Lucas!
Lucas! Lucas!
What's going on?
I got you. I got you.
It's an unspeakable tragedy.
Do any of the parents know? Have they been made aware? Garrett's parents?
I was speaking to Garrett's father just last week.
Is there going to be a grief councilor?
We'll arrange one for you, sir.
This one's still alive!
Okay, wait. Okay, honey, just stay here, okay? Just stay here.
Vitals are holding.
- What have we got? - Stab wound to the neck.
She put duct tape on to stem the bleeding.
Smart girl. Saved her life.
Let's go.
Mom, I'm worried about Ashley.
I think we should go to the hospital.