Subtitles by explosiveskull
[KATE] "I'm warning you, I'm going to get angry. Do you see?
"We are going to have fun on this island, understand?
"We are going to have fun on this island.
"'Come now,' said the Lord of the Flies.
"Get back to the others and we'll forget the whole thing.
"This has gone quite far enough, my poor, misguided child.
"Do you think you know better than I do?"
Okay, so we have civilization versus savagery,
and reason versus impulse.
So many exciting themes in one little book, right?
Over the break, I want you to read the next three chapters.
That's three chapters, and I want you to write two pages...
on either one of our themes, your choice.
Demerius.
Care to read us out to the bell?
No, no, no, not that one.
The one that you have on your lap there. What is it?
Uh... Demon Sword Z.
(SNICKERING)
Okay, let's hear it. Oh, come on. Let's finish class strong.
"Now I have the power of the five souls.
"Let us see what the Gauntlet of Destiny...
"has to say about that, demon lover.
"Then, the squid leg splits Okami-san in half.
"Blood sprays everywhere."
This is 26% stronger than anything else on the market.
It lasts up to four hours.
Not only are the lips fuller...
they're the most fantastic color.
Slight tingle at first, but it's so worth it.
Better than collagen.
Where is this from?
The Orient... a lot of the formulas are secret.
I own the North American rights.
Oh, that's lovely.
And this would be an exclusive for Harold's.
Hm.
That's really starting to work.
What kind of comic is this?
It's not a comic, it's manga.
"Put your demon powers in me, squid.
"I want to feel your might deep within."
Damn, its tentacles are like its dicks.
Zack, your right.
"Hold back nothing, my pet.
After I summon the demon, all you can..."
Mr. Moss. Hello.
We found some surprising thematic similarities...
between Lord of the Flies...
(BELL RINGS)
Okay, all right. You owe me two pages.
Have a really good break.
Where is this from?
Asia.
D-P-R-K... isn't that North Korea?
You're trying to sell Harold's a North Korean product?
Maybe.
The North Korea against which...
the United States has an embargo?
Now, that embargo is kind of like Cuba, you know?
It's sort of symbolic.
20 years, Kate. Seen it all.
Right.
Well, maybe not sex with an octopus.
That was a first.
That was mine, too.
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I wanted your help to strategize a big picture issue...
because I see something we both share.
A deep love for this school.
Go Falcons.
I wanna do a little right-brained thinking...
about a left-brain problem.
Are we talking about the ARB test scores?
I'm talking about empowerment.
I'm saying let's be the change.
Let's not squander our energy on acrimony and recriminations.
Um... are you firing me?
What?
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to ground floor the discussions...
so we don't waste our school's resources on arbitration...
and severance packages.
Those things threaten the school that we love.
Yeah, of course. Absolutely.
Sometimes a school can avoid all that heartache...
if a teacher simply vacates his or her post.
You want me to quit?
No. That's a personal decision. What I want doesn't matter.
But I will say this...
I see you flourishing in a slightly less urban teaching...
environment or perhaps in an altogether different...
Can I admit something?
You always have great hair.
Perhaps you'd be happy cutting hair.
Look, I took this meeting...
because Lucas spoke highly of you.
He better have.
But I don't think this is a good fit for Harold's.
Best of luck.
Seriously? That's it?
Just because of where a product's made?
A bit racist, don't you think?
Okay, we're done.
No, you're done.
Because I'll take my business elsewhere.
Where's the bathroom?
Uh, there.
Oh my god. Oh...
What the fuck? That's my fucking car! Fuck!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
There she is!
Hey, how'd it go?
Come dance with me!
What's going on?
Shake that bony ass of yours!
Woo!
What is happening? Did you sell it?
Party bump!
Meg, did you sell it?
Can we finally get rid of all these boxes?
Remember all those little North Korea stickers...
we peeled off the bottles?
Yeah, of course. There were, like, 10,000 of them.
Well, it turns out there's 10,001.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
I am totally and thoroughly fucked.
On the other hand my car got towed.
How was your day?
Meg, it's...
I can't.
I don't even wanna talk about it.
Wow, how much did you spend?
Oh, I'm gonna-I'm gonna bring it back.
But I'm gonna keep some socks.
How was school?
Great.
Moss asked me to quit.
What?
He thinks that I'd be happier cutting hair.
Did you point out that he's bald as fuck?
(LAUGHS)
No, I didn't tell him he was bald as fuck.
Are you getting fired?
Excuse me.
I gotta get going.
Okay.
Can I get my clothes?
Oh, right.
Sorry.
I can't seem to... shirt, pants...
- Hi. - Pants, pink underwear...
- Hi. - Nope, that's mine.
Thanks for the lift.
You're gonna give me a good review, right?
Five stars.
You buy socks and I suck...
Okay, okay, I got it, I got it.
Hey, ladies.
Hey!
What?
She's back?!
Oh my god! Holy shit.
How's it going?
That haircut took balls, you have to hand it to her there.
Are we still drinking?
Hells to the yeah, mothafucka.
Sweet.
I'm 28-years-old, I've had a lot of success, and I'm ready.
Meg, you're missing the abs.
...with whom I spend the rest of my life.
Why do these girls play hard to get?
If it was up to me I'd have his pants around his ankles...
by the first commercial.
Well, it's a game. They're playing strategy.
...actually satisfy me on a day-to-day basis.
I actually think I'd be pretty good on this show.
(LAUGHS)
What's that supposed to mean?
You're hardly competitive, dear.
You don't have an aggressive bone in your body.
Against these girls, you'd have to put on your big-girl pants...
or they'd have you for lunch.
I think I'd describe myself as definitely thinking outside...
Whatever.
[BACHELOR] I march to the beat of my own drum.
Ugh.
A really nice day for me is wak...
I actually like the whole construction worker thing.
You know, the whole, like, works with his hands,
salt-of-the-earth motif.
The only thing salty about him is his balls.
Lovely, Meg.
Doesn't that just, like, roll of your tongue-
You can have him, if I can have the fireman from last season.
Oh, that fireman.
He was a panty-dropper.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And for the record, just because I don't sleep around...
doesn't mean I couldn't compete against a group of women...
Did you just take a shot at me? Was that a drive-by?
You drive-by-ed me. "Big-girl pants"?
That was a slick move. She's definitely getting a rose.
[BACHELOR] I know it's crazy to give out roses before...
the first rose ceremony, but I don't care.
You know, it's been a long day. I think I'm gonna go to bed.
I just opened a new bottle. Come on, let's finish it.
[KATE] No, I'm going to bed.
No morning re-cap. I'm watching the rest.
[FEMALE CONTESTANT] These girls mean nothing to me.
This is a nightmare.
Kate? Kate, wake up.
What, is there a fire? No, there's no fire.
What's wrong? What's going on?
We're screwed up. Our lives, things aren't going well.
Is it really 4:15?
Remember in the ninth grade when you got stung...
by that jellyfish and I peed on you and you got really mad?
Did you take one of my pills?
You were really mad until it stopped hurting, right?
Yeah.
When you're faced with a life-threatening problem...
which we are, you step away from the problem...
and in a calm, adult way, you self-medicate...
until the solution presents itself.
Okay.
Preferably on a beach with a margarita.
Okay, let's talk about it.
Yes! That's my girl.
Can we plan this in the morning?
No, we gotta go.
What? Where?
Fort Lauderdale... I used your Sky Miles.
Today?
Now! Our flight's in three hours.
Meg, absolutely not, that's crazy.
I'm not going on vacation right now. You're completely insane.
[KATE] We are going to miss this flight!
This is completely insane!
Why even ask me, if you're gonna just make us...
miss the goddamn flight?
[MEG] Sir, we can get out here.
[KATE] Stop. Stop. Stop!
[MEG] Don't yell at the poor guy.
[KATE] Thank you, thank you, sir.
You pay the driver, I'll get the bags.
Oh my god. Look at this line!
We are going to miss this flight!
I cannot believe this.
I kept telling you that we had to leave.
[KATE] This happens every single time. Look at this line!
There's no way we are making this flight.
These are non-refundable tickets.
I told you you can take a bath...
or you can poach an egg and not both.
Meg. Meg. What're you doing?
- Hold on. - Get in line!
Excuse me.
My friend and I are about to miss our flight.
Is there any way we can come in this line?
Are you first class or an Elite Club member?
We're first-class ladies.
Actually, I think I am an Elite Club member...
if it didn't expire.
Hold on, let me check.
Ugh.
No, it's not... ugh.
Shoot. I guess not.
Sorry about that.
(SIGHS)
Thanks for your help. And thanks for keeping us safe.
I just do check-in.
Why do you always do that?
- Do what? - It's embarrassing.
Told you.
You can't just cut in front of all these...
Sorry. Ugh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Oh my god, you are the sweetest thing.
Don't worry about it.
You hungry?
You could have checked your bag.
I was trying to save some money.
- You okay? - Yeah.
You got your headphones, pills, neck pillow...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be epic.
Yeah.
Deep breath.
Ma'am, no liquids above 3.4 ounces.
You can dispose of it in that trash can right there.
You want me to get rid of it? Sure thing.
(CROWD MURMURS)
Whew!
It's easier when it's a beer.
Have a good flight.
Deep breath, girl.
We're going to Florida. It's gonna be so much fun.
Think of the beach, think of the sunshine.
Here's your neck pillow.
Six hours in the air. Up and down.
Please don't say "down".
We're still on the ground.
Yeah, I know, but we're high enough already.
Middle seats are for suckers, right?
You know what? I actually think it'd be better if we switched.
I would, but I need extra legroom.
It's sort of a Gandalf-Bilbo situation.
And I'm the hobbit?
Oh my... I'm just saying, I'm taller.
Here, take a pill.
- I already took a pill. - Take another.
Okay.
- I'll get you a water. - No, I don't need any water...
Excuse me, can she get a water...
so she can take her anti-anxiety pill?
Certainly.
Can we please keep this to ourselves?
I was just trying to help.
It's not like I gave him your social.
Just quit with the flirty routine...
it's getting really old.
I wasn't. Geez. Take a deep breath, girl.
I'm surprised you didn't show him your bra.
I think he might try and wear it, am I right? Uh-oh.
(BURPING)
Oh my god. Oh, my god!
Soda's coming up.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Meg.
I feel like I am in your intestines.
- Take it. - Stop it!
- Take it. - Oh my god!
I got one more comin', too.
Excuse me. I think I'm in the middle there.
Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
Thank you.
Hi.
(BURPING)
Here's your water.
- Thank you. - Dear lord.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm Meg, by the way.
Ryan.
So what is it, Ryan? Business or pleasure?
It's a wedding, actually.
Ah, which can sometimes feel like work, right?
Mm.
I feel like last year, I was at somebody's wedding...
every other weekend.
Yeah, they uh... come in waves, don't they?
Yeah.
How about you?
- What brings you out? - I have...
A girl's trip. I kinda hate that expression, but it's true.
We are on a trip and we are girls.
Okay, so you two are together?
Yeah, we're best friends.
We're just sitting in these seats because, you know...
middle seats are for suckers.
Ah, my, uh, reputation precedes me.
I love weddings.
As long as they're other people's.
Yeah, that's the truth, right?
Single ladies in the house.
I'm Kate, by the way.
Hey, Ryan. It's good to meet you.
You too.
I'm still Meg. Look at us!
Meg Ryan. We're America's sweetheart.
Do you remember that deli scene?
Yeah, yeah, the, uh, "I'll have what she's having".
(MOANING)
I think that my roommate is trying to do a scene...
from When Harry Met Slarry.
When Harry Met Smarly.
When... Smarly Met...
You okay?
(SLURRING)
Is she having a stroke?
- She's fine. She's just... - Smarly...
- Terrified of flying. - M-marley.
She took some pharmaceuticals.
- Stay there. - I'm jealous.
It's gonna be all right.
Well, I'll, uh, stop bothering you guys.
Oh, you're not bothering...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[CAPTAIN] (OVER PA) Hello, folks.
This is your captain speaking.
Hurricane Cindy has headed toward the Carolinas...
but it looks like she's taken a bit of a turn...
and now they're re-directing us to land in St. Louis.
We'll keep you updated as we receive additional information.
Oh, man.
Since when is there a hurricane?
It's... been in the news, like all week.
I'm not much of a news junkie. I'm more of a bookworm.
This is just a hate-read.
(BURPS)
Excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna need you to... oh, god.
Really?
Did you need something?
Put your seat up, and your friend, too, please.
Kate? Kate. Wake up for the male steward.
It's "flight attendant". I'm moving her forward.
We're landing soon.
Holy shit.
Uh... is she... is she okay?
Let me just...
(SNORING)
We're good. We're good.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to The Sheraton.
This is the pits. Fuck you, Cindy.
Who's Cindy?
The hurricane.
I dunno, it looks like kinda good weather for a hurricane.
The hurricane's in Florida, we're in St. Louis.
Jesus, you took way too many pills.
Welcome to the St. Louis Sheraton, I am Anuj.
- How are we today? - Not good, Anuj.
The airline says they lost my bag.
They did? Did they lose mine?
No, they didn't. You didn't check a bag.
Oh, right, I didn't check a bag.
My apologies, we're tight on space...
because of the annual jewelry convention.
Jewelers have conventions?
However, I can put you both in a lovely junior suite.
Now, while you're here...
please enjoy our four-star restaurant...
pool, spa, and complimentary shuttle service...
to the majestic St. Louis Arch and finally, Tut's Tomb...
the number one nightclub in St. Louis two years running.
For that, take the elevator down to P1.
That's super, but we're only here for one night.
Excellent. Well, if you enjoy your stay,
I do hope you'll consider Yelping us.
Ugh. God.
This is what we get for being spontaneous.
(GASPS)
Oh my god, what is that color?
It's not a lipstick, it's my Lip Lacerater.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Thanks.
Oh, hey, it's my seat mates.
Good to see you among the living.
Yeah, thank you.
Okay, I need to go down one more I think.
I'm gonna work off some travel frustration at the gym.
Oh, god, your friend's wedding.
Yeah, yeah. It's not for a few days.
I was, uh, going down early for the bachelor party...
but those guys'll be fine.
No natural disaster's gonna stop my buds...
from getting embarrassingly drunk.
Hey, um, you guys wanna get a drink later on tonight?
Might as well make the best of this, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure, yeah. - Sure. Yeah.
- I like... I like to drink. - She does.
Not a lot, not to excess, but...
Alcohol.
Cool. How about 8:00?
Yeah, yeah, it's a date.
Well, not a date, but a plan.
Yeah.
- Have a good workout. - Stretch, don't forget!
- Now don't... do gym. - Don't hurt yourself.
- Oh, not bad. - And it smells nice, too.
- Not bad at all. - Yeah.
And look at us, having drinks with a hot guy.
Hey, he's having drinks with us.
Right.
And who knows? Maybe one of us will hook up, if he's lucky.
He might go for you.
Or you. You're gorgeous, especially when you're loaded.
I am not, I look like Mickey Rourke.
Enough with Mickey Rourke. Why do you always say that?
- It's how I feel. - Stop it.
You're beautiful.
This is called "Man Getting Out of Cold Lake". Boop. Boop.
Ugh, thank god I packed my Spanx.
Oh my god, my bag.
Can I borrow a dress?
Oh, I'm so sorry, I only packed one.
Can I wear it?
No.
Well, what if you...
No.
Anuj.
Is there a mall around here?
Can you hold on one second, please?
- What's that? - The closest mall?
Uh, that would be the Westgate Pavilion near the arch.
- How far is the arch? - 30 minutes without traffic.
Damn it. I need a dress.
We can call a taxi for you. June, will you please call...
No, I need one now, tonight.
What would you like me to do?
Fine.
Sir, are you still there?
Yeah, Okay, so those last three digits...
How do I leave a review on Yelp?
Can you hold on just one more second, please?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Wow.
Right?
Where's your other half?
I don't know. Might just be me.
Well, you uh, you look very nice.
Thank you. I didn't pack too much 'cause it's really...
just a girl's trip, but I thought, you know...
I thought I'd try something with what I have...
Holy shit.
You look amazing.
You like it? I wasn't sure I could pull it off.
No, no. You look great.
Meg's an expert at pulling off a dress.
Okay, uh, let me go see if I can snag us a booth.
Where did you get that?
The Indian dude at the front desk. His mom loaned it to me.
Crazy, right?
That is so crazy.
Hey there, you ladies here for Jewel Con?
No, uh, we're just... we're meeting some friends.
Yes, yes, you are... us. Namaste.
I'm Craig, precious gems are my specialty.
Chuck here is in, uh, high-end watch repair.
Shahar does imports.
"Shahar" is Hebrew for "sunrise"...
which you will experience tomorrow morning in my bed.
That was smooth. That was very smooth.
She didn't refuse, that's good.
- Yeah, well... - I have cocaine.
Whoa, Chuck, put it away.
He's very excited he has cocaine.
He's been showing it to everybody.
I smuggled it on the plane in my underpants.
Enough about us, and you guys are...?
Undercover federal agents investigating...
a counterfeit diamond ring.
So you can either step aside and let us do our job...
or I'll give Kate here the green light to shove her taser...
in your ass and light you up.
Okay, sorry, officers.
Let's go.
Hey. I glommed on to some fellow travelers.
This is Roger and Nancy, Kate and Meg.
Oh my god, you look like a fucking princess.
Thanks, it's a sari.
Honey, you got nothing to be sorry about.
Roger and Nancy are celebrating their anniversary.
Ten years and I think I'll keep her.
Aw.
That's sweet.
Shit. Category four?
[NANCY] So much for losing steam.
[ROGER] No one's getting out of here tomorrow.
I'm not gonna make the rehearsal dinner.
Oh, come on, don't think like that.
Yeah, hurricanes are notoriously unpredictable.
That's why they name them after women, right?
It was a slam-dunk case, see this guy didn't have a prayer...
but he did have this gorgeous defense attorney.
Gorgeous and gifted defense attorney.
[NANCY] All charges were dropped.
Well, not entirely...
I did manage to negotiate into the plea bargain...
that Nancy go on a date with me.
First time in my career, I got two men off in one day.
More than once, as I recall.
I could have you dis-barred, you know?
Yeah? I could have you mounted.
- [NANCY] I'll mount you. - [ROGER] Did you bring the cuffs?
- I'll blindfold you first. - Oh, interrogation.
Or Q & A? Mm.
I think we lost them.
What about you guys? What do you do?
I'm a CEO.
Wow.
I sell a line of skin care products.
You know Michelle Obama?
Is she a client?
Well, obviously I can't talk about it...
but how about her skin?
Damn. Damn. What about you, Kate?
I'm a teacher... I teach high school.
Oh, nice.
Special needs high school.
Wow. Is that hard?
You know what's hard is not being with them right now.
A lot of people think that I teach them... but...
but really, you know, they teach me.
Yeah.
The blind teach me how to listen better...
and the mute teach me...
you know, not to talk so much, so I'm gonna stop.
Man, I can't compete with you two. I'm just a firefighter.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - ♪ Boy boy boy boy boy ♪
[ANUJ] All right, what's up, everybody? Come on.
Eh-yo, this is DJ Spooj, rhymes with Anuj...
'cause we both gonna be on your face by the end of the night.
All the junkies in the house say "ho".
[CROWD] Ho!
[ANUJ] All the wacky knickers in the house say "ayo".
[CROWD] Eh-yo!
[ANUJ] All right, let's get to it.
Have a good night, everybody.
You guys wanna dance?
Who me?
♪ I had no idea I could feel this high up on another ♪
♪ Until one day you had to get on up ♪
♪ You dirty scumbag liar breaking my heart ♪
♪ And though the whole world crumbled ♪
♪ You still found a way ♪
♪ To put Humpty back together again ♪
♪ Boy meets girl boy likes girl and tries to get with girl ♪
If you're having a good time. You guys know what to do.
Yelp us.
♪ Boy meets girl boy loses girl realize he loves her ♪
♪ Then boy gets girl back again and again ♪
♪ And so the story begins and ends the same way again ♪
♪ As promised 'cause we're only human ♪
♪ All looking for true love true love ♪
Oh shit, let's get a muh-fuckin dance circle up in here!
Show DJ Spooj what you got!
♪ Bring on believer has anybody seen her ♪
♪ Boy meets girl boy likes girl ♪
♪ And tries to get with girl ♪
♪ Boy kisses girl and girl likes that ♪
♪ Boy cheats girl boy loses girl ♪
Meg! Hey! Your boob is hanging out!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
Got it.
How long was it out?
20 seconds.
That's the length of a fucking Geico commercial.
You know, I'm impressed anyone...
could have upstaged that flight attendant.
Well, this is you, guys.
I had a... I had a really good time tonight.
Yeah, me too... despite, you know...
- Night. - Night.
Hey.
- Yeah? - What's up?
You know, since we're gonna be stuck here tomorrow...
it may be nice to see the city.
Maybe get a little crazy, buy a St. Louis magnet for the fridge?
Yeah, I-I actually need a magnet.
I have a fridge.
Great. Let's just connect in the morning then.
- Okay. Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Hey, you know what?
I uh, I'm actually gonna ride up with you.
The uh, the ice machine on our floor is broken, so...
- Oh. - What do you need ice for?
Ice water.
Wait, you can't go. I need you to open our door.
We... we both have keys.
I left mine in the room.
- I think that's the bell... - Well here, whatever...
you can... you can just take mine.
You know what? I'll just go with you.
Don't be silly, you don't need two people to get ice.
Thank you.
I just thought it would be easier for you.
Elevator's closing, good luck with the ice, guys.
- Oh, goodnight! - Goodnight!
[MEG] Ice? Really?
At least I didn't pull my boob out.
Do you think I did that on purpose?
I know that you did. You have great tits.
That's insane!
Listen, I know you wanna do your thing...
- Not the great tits part. - But I actually like him.
- Well, I love him. - You love him?
Yes, I love him.
You don't even know his last name.
So? Do Romeo and Juliet know each other's last name?
Yes! Montague and Capulet.
Oh, I'm an English teacher.
I want him.
Not this time.
You want me to choose?
Whichever, we're totally cool with it.
Yeah, totally. I'm cool, too.
Well, I mean, they say the St. Louis art museum's pretty...
great, but what a day to hit the botanical gardens, right?
Or door number three.
Boom! A hot air balloon ride!
- Now that is rad. - A balloon?
He said he wanted to see the city.
This way he can see all of it.
Aw, man, this seems way more fun than paintings and plants.
Yeah well, you know, it's not just paintings, it's...
it's furniture and sculptures and...
Oh, I forgot your fear of heights.
Oh... oh, we don't have to do the balloon ride.
Oh, no, I know.
How about you hit the museum...
Ryan and I will go in the balloon...
and then we can all meet up for dinner later.
Yeah, if you're scared of flying.
No, I'm not scared. I'm not scared.
It's just airplanes, so I'll go. I'm going.
- You sure? - Yeah, absolutely.
It'll be an adventure.
All right then... go ballooning.
[PILOT] The ride should last about an hour.
My brother will follow us in the chase car.
Make sure all personal belongings are secure.
Also, for the lovers, we have cold champagne for purchase.
Okay, any questions?
Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you see?
Uh, don't worry, ma'am. I, uh, see just fine.
Just messing with you. All right then.
Let's touch the sky!
Woo!
Here we go!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
Wow.
Beautiful, isn't it?
St. Louis doesn't look so bad from up here.
It's pretty spectacular, right?
Yeah, it's really great.
You okay? You're sweating.
Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just... I'm really hot.
It'll be nice and cool when we hit about 2,000 feet.
How high are we right now?
- 500. - (RETCHES)
You, uh, you sure you're okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no, no, no! You get me down right now!
Get me down right now!
Ma'am, ma'am, we gotta go up to catch the current.
Fuck the fucking current!
I think she's having a panic attack.
- Oh, great. - Ssh.
- (HYPERVENTILATING) - She's fine.
Breathe. Breathe.
Find your breath. Look at me. Find your breath.
I'm sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you.
Now let's take my hands, stare into my eyes.
They're... so beautiful.
Like... like a... robin's egg.
Let's sing a song, you and me, okay?
♪ Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel ♪
♪ Like you're less than ♪
Is that Pink?
I don't know, it was the first song that came to my head.
I kinda like her.
I like her, too.
- Ready? - Yeah.
♪ Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel ♪
- Oh, jeez. - Gosh, this is fun.
- [RYAN] ♪ Fucking perfect ♪ - This is so fucking fun.
[RYAN] ♪ Pretty pretty please ♪
- Jeez. - How much for the champagne?
$100 with tax. I take credit card.
Are you insane? That's a $20 bottle of brut.
You're welcome to shop around.
♪ Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel ♪
- ♪ Like you're less than ♪ - I'll take the fucking champagne.
♪ Fucking perfect ♪
Look who has bubbly.
Let's drink some champagne and really take in this view.
You know, I'm not sure alcohol...
is a good idea for her right now.
I wasn't talking about her. She's fine.
This happens all the time.
- Ssh. - Oh, you should go and have fun.
Hey, I am having fun.
Me, too. So much fun.
- Agh, my eye! - Oh, shit! Shit!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Did you hit him in his good eye?
- She hit me in my only eye! - [KATE] What?!
Here, let me take a look, let me take a look.
Is it bad? I can't see.
Yeah, you got a small cut.
- Oh god, he's crying blood! - Your pupil is red.
- Shit! Shit! - I don't think it's too serious.
- There's a little bit of blood. - Oh my god we're gonna die!
Everybody calm down! No one's going to die!
We're just gonna have to land a little early, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
Now, I just gotta ask: has anybody ever piloted...
a hot air balloon before?
- (SCREAMING) - What?
What the fuck are you talking about?
[PILOT] Calm down! It's gonna be all right!
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Are you okay? - No!
Oh my god! Oh my god!
[PILOT] Can somebody call for an ambulance?
♪ Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever ♪
Please! Please be quiet!
Shut the fuck up!
(DISTANT SCREAMING)
Que pasa?
Hey, how was the balloon ride? Nice view of the arch, right?
It was great.
I have some good news from the airlines.
The flight's back on?
No, they found your bag.
I'm so sorry, I should have led with that.
Yes! Thank you, Anuj.
Well, shall we celebrate being alive?
Honestly, I think I'm just gonna relax.
I'm gonna go upstairs, call Florida, maybe hit the pool.
- Oh, I'll join you! - I'll come with you.
I love the pool.
Now that I have a suitcase, I don't have to go naked.
Maybe I'll just go naked.
Oh my god, I hate myself.
I think I'm ready.
Oh, cute suit.
I'll see you by the pool.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Lacerater.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Can I get two Mai Tai's over here?
Hey!
This is amazing.
You've got to try it.
It looks very inviting.
I was actually wondering if you're not doing anything later-
First, I wasn't talking to you, and second...
it's not gonna happen, okay?
Um, this is closed.
And it's not what you think, that you're not hot enough...
because you're totally hot enough.
I've dated way lower.
This seat is taken.
Guys, leave the seat next to Meg open.
Come on, scoot. There you go.
- Huh. - Seriously? What are you doing?
Yeah, I don't know.
[KATE] Hey!
(MAN WHISTLING)
Hey, Ryan! Look, I snagged us a chair.
Oh my god. Oh, Jesus mother fu.... Oh... oh my god.
Oh my god, oh...
I think I might just lay out for a bit.
Wow, you look great.
Oh, thanks.
Stop.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
See, this is a definition of "cock block".
I'm really sorry about today.
Thank you so much. I'm really... I'm embarrassed.
Embarrassed? I'm the one that sang Pink.
I have the feeling that that's not the first time...
that you've sang that out loud.
[RYAN] No comment.
Wanna take a dip?
Um, actually I think we're just gonna hang out here...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind swimming.
Yeah, me, too. I'd love to do that.
I'll come, too.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
- You don't see that much. - What?
A hotel pool you can actually dive in.
We love diving!
We used to go every summer at your...
At my dad's houseboat!
You were so nervous to jump in at first, remember?
You told me there were piranhas in the lake...
and it freaked me out... that was so mean of you.
You're just mad 'cause I always beat you at diving.
That's 'cause your dad was the judge.
I would have won with an impartial jury.
I was so much better than you.
That's funny.
Well, you got one now.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, let's start with the basics. Jack knife.
You call that a jack knife? That was more like a belly flop.
And deduct points for splash, that's the Olympic rules.
Got it.
Now, a jack knife... the right way.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
Impartial judge gives you a five... both of you.
Time to step it up, back flip.
Go on, do it.
Okay!
Nice!
That was your best back flip?
What're you doing?
Forward one-and-a-half tuck.
- Uh... - What is that?
Are you crazy? That is so dangerous.
- Still scared, I guess. - No, I'm not scared.
It's gonna kick out.
Okay, fine, go ahead, go ahead, do what you want.
Front one-and-a-half tuck.
- Oh my god. - Ooh, oh, no!
That hurts.
[KATE] Meg? Meg, are you all right?
Why are you just sitting down there? Are you okay?
[KATE] Meg? Are you coming up?
Meg, are you alive? Meg!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi.
Hey.
Are we drinking?
She'll have a Screwdriver.
Not so much ice.
Just three cubes.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Actually, no.
I think I turned my eyelid inside out.
Oh, there's my girls.
Can I have two Tequila Sunrises?
Did you hear the weather report?
They said that the hurricane has passed through...
so you two might get a little beach time after all.
Hm.
Great.
Ah, great.
Yeah, a few days of a time share isn't as good as a week...
but you know, I'll take what I can get.
I'm not gonna see Roger again for a month.
Is he traveling?
Back to the wife and kids.
Thank you.
I-I'm sorry, back to where?
Roger's married, just not to me.
You were celebrating your anniversary.
Of a love affair.
Fuck you, don't judge me. 'Cause I don't like that.
'Cause let me tell you something.
I am a lady who demands perfection, okay?
Is it fair to his wife?
No.
Is it fair to his kids?
No.
I don't care.
Because I would do anything for Roger.
[NANCY] I would die for that man.
Wow.
It's true. I'd kill for him.
I'd kill his family, I'd kill his wife.
Anybody got in my way, I'd kill 'em.
Right there. Kill 'em.
I'd kill you, I'd kill you, I'd kill everyone.
And I know how to do it, too, 'cause my brother's a Navy Seal.
I'm just kidding!
Oh...
It was a joke. But seriously, you know?
Sometimes you just gotta take what you want...
whatever the cost.
Because at the end of the day, nobody gives a shit...
whether you're happy or not, you know what I'm sayin'?
You can put their drinks on my tab.
Thanks for everything, guys.
- Ryan! - Ryan!
- No, no, no! - Wait! Wait up!
- Oh, hey! - There he is.
- [KATE] Hey. - Oh, hey.
I uh, was actually looking for you two.
Oh, well, look and you shall find.
Yeah, I wanted to see you guys before I left.
There's my road buddy.
Hey.
- Ladies. - Hi.
How's your eye, Meg?
- It's fine. - It looks a little...
You're leaving now?
Yeah, didn't you see the weather report?
Our flight's gonna be back on any moment.
I'm out of time. I just, you know, can't take the chance.
If we drive through the night...
I can get you to Fort by morning.
What fort?
Oh, local speak, Fort Lauderdale.
You're going on a road trip with a complete stranger?
He could be a serial killer for all you know.
I'm not a serial killer.
That's exactly what a serial killer would say.
You're something, you know that? Let's hit the road.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Serial killer. That's great.
Awesome meeting you both.
- Bye. - Bye.
(INHALES)
All right.
Yeah, okay.
- Bye. - Wait!
- Got room for one more? - Oh, shit.
I'll just be one minute.
Hey, you know what? Make that... make that two!
I'll be right back, okay?
I can't help it. I love fucked up women.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Yeah a steward you could be ♪
♪ And I'm your DJ You're my record of the week ♪
♪ And we'll do everything ♪
I gotta say, I did not see this coming.
A little company, a little conversation.
Usually I'd just be blasting my tunes.
Uh, by the way, are you guys on Google Plus?
- No. - No, I'm on Tinder.
Well, get on it. We should all be in each other's circles.
How long is the drive?
Oh, it'll be no time at all. I know all the back ways.
Uh, 17 hours?
I've got a million songs on this thing...
so we're all covered on music.
Right now we're listening to the "south on I-24 mix".
Please wait four songs before complaining.
This is gonna be fun. Seven hours, no sweat.
Seventeen.
Oh.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, an egg, a frog, a um...
griffon, a haberdasher,
an icicle, a jackalope, and a knight.
Ha!
It was "k", and you're an English teacher!
No, it is "k", it's "k", like a knight in shining armor.
I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I'm bringing an apple...
a banana, a Chihuahua, a dolphin, an egg, a frog...
a griffon, a haberdasher, an icicle, a jackalope...
a knight, and a labradoodle.
- Meg, it's your turn! - Nice work!
Ok, I'm going to Fort Lauderdale and I hate this fucking game.
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Gin. - Son of a bitch.
You know what? I wanna sit in the back.
- I'd hate me, too. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no switching! - It's my turn!
- No, no, hey, hey, no switching! - What're you doing?
Get back in the front.
Just get right there.
Go, so I can sit here!
- What're you doing? - It's my turn!
(MUSIC CHANGES)
- Hey. - Thank you.
They always put too much ice in this.
Ah, what're you doing?
Come on. Ugh.
♪ Headed down to the beach hand in hand just you and me ♪
Oh my god. Oh my god, did you seriously do that?
- That is disgusting. - Oooh.
Oh my god. Oh my god! Open down the window!
- Agh, dude! - For God's sakes!
That is disgusting!
♪ You've got the world at your feet ♪
♪ Success has been so easy for you ♪
♪ But don't forget it's me ♪
♪ Who put you where you are now ♪
♪ And I can put you back down too ♪
♪ Don't don't you want me ♪
♪ You know I can't believe it ♪
♪ When I hear that you won't see me ♪
♪ Don't don't you want me ♪
It smells nice.
It's lavender. It's great for dry skin.
Not that you have any.
Feels good.
Minerals, essential vitamins, and extracts.
(SENDS MESSAGE)
Also a shit ton of honey.
It's like sticking your hand in a beehive.
Careful, don't get stung.
- (MESSAGE ALERT) - Oh my god.
- What? - It's from Meg's mom.
I texted her to wish her a happy birthday and...
It's not her birthday.
She sent me this photo of when we were in high school.
What photo?
Oh my god. When is this from?
- It's, uh, prom. - (RYAN LAUGHS)
[RYAN] What is that on your head?
- It's um... - It's nothing, it's just a hat.
It's a helmet. It's a protective helmet... for her skull.
Uh, may I see?
Oh, yeah, my nephew had one of those when he was three...
and a half months old, 'cause his head was shaped...
like a zucchini and they were trying to reshape it.
Was your head shaped like a zucchini?
No, I just had migraines.
She had this really rare condition.
It was um, what was it? It was complex...
Complex chiari malformation.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. Malformation. It was horrible.
The kids just called her horrible names.
She wore the thing for six months. It was terrible.
That sucks. Man, kids can be so mean, you know?
Yeah.
Scrotum head.
Reservoir tip.
Captain Retard.
Soft-skull Smurf... it was horrible.
I just tried to be there for her, though.
No matter what the kids called her.
Well, she's lucky to have you as a friend.
I actually feel really lucky because her struggles...
really, they inspired me to... to teach special needs kids...
so... so, thank you, Meg.
Oh yeah.
Scrotum head... that's pretty good.
I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
You guys want something to drink? I'm buyin'.
Oh, I'm good.
Oh, I'm good, too.
Oh... hi.
Hi, how are you today?
Oh, not bad.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh my god.
Oh god.
(COUGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEEING)
(DOOR KNOB TURNS)
Occupied!
Ugh.
All right.
(JIGGLES DOOR)
Meg, is that you?
It's Scrotum head, bitch.
[KATE] Hello?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[KATE] Hello? There's an unsafe level of feces in here!
Hey.
Listen, Kate may be a while. She's having an issue.
Everything okay?
Unusually heavy flow. Don't say anything.
I would normally never tell you, but she'd be mortified...
if everyone thought it was the diarrhea.
That's mostly cleared up.
Ok, well, we'll just wait.
Look what I got, the most expensive of the two.
Good idea.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING)
It's crazy, isn't it?
We've only known each other for a few days...
and yet I feel like I've known you my whole life.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Well, you know, we've been stopping a lot.
We'll pick up the pace.
You know... sorry, I gotta take this. Hey, you maniac!
Yeah, yeah man, I'm just outside Valdosta...
I should be getting in about 10:00.
Yeah. You guys having fun?
(BEE BUZZING)
Get... fucking bumblebee!
Jesus.
Everyone wants a bite of that guy.
[MEG] There's not really honey in the hand cream.
Hey. Yeah, uh, sorry. No.
Gassed up and ready to roll.
Good for you.
Where's Kate? We should hit it.
- Calm down. - I am calm.
I just thought we were trying to make it to a wedding.
That's why I've been speeding the whole time.
67? That's your idea of speeding?
Traditionally, when someone does you a favor...
you say "thank you".
Well, I'm a rebel.
[RYAN] Uh, just keep me posted. Okay, buddy.
Ryan! Ryan, is everything okay?
Uh, yeah, yeah. These guys are animals.
We'll leave it at that.
[MEG] Awesome.
Anyway, I was thinking, I'm not gonna have much to do.
Kate's obsessed with looking for shells on the beach...
so after you finish the wedding stuff...
and maybe you wanna hook up...
or even if you need a date, I brought a dress.
- It's really more... - (LOUD CRASH)
Oh my god!
Are you okay? What happened?
What happened?!
Someone locked me in the bathroom! That's what happened!
Why? Who would do that?
That homeless guy. You know what? I smelled meth on him.
Guys, what is taking so... oh my god!
Are... are you okay?
Oh... you got something on your...
(GUTTURAL SCREAM)
Where are we?
I think that's poop.
Don't touch me!
I wasn't going to.
Motherfucker!
Oh my god!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Ugh. Oh, god.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just... my neck.
I think I tweaked it when I fell.
- Here, come here. - Oh yeah, sure. Thank you.
[RYAN] Right here?
Yeah. Here, just... right there.
Oh yeah. Mm.
[KATE] Oh god yeah, right there...
oh, oh my god, that is so good.
Yeah, you got a big knot right here.
Oh yeah. Oh! That's awesome.
Jesus, you two, get a room.
Finally.
Oh! Mm.
Sorry you hurt your neck.
Yeah, I bet you are.
I am. Want a sip?
It might help loosen up your neck.
No, thank you.
Nah, me neither.
That's what I get for traveling with a bunch of stiffs.
What're you doing? Stop!
You don't know me.
I know you're the driver.
I thought you were a rebel.
How much do you weigh?
What?
You've been driving for a while. Want me to tap in?
Look, I'm on the road like six, seven days a month.
A haul like this is nothing to me.
Just get some sleep. Everything's fine.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Hush now close your eyes ♪
♪ Time to sleep ♪
(SNORING)
[MEG] Are you insane?!
[CRAIG] Okay! We're okay. We're okay. What'd that sign say?
Are you insane?
I'm screwed, man. I'm really fucking screwed.
I'm not gonna make the wedding.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are, bucko.
- When is it? - Tomorrow.
Oh. Oh, geez, I feel weird.
Help you?
Yeah, the uh, headlamps are out on our car.
- Is there a garage in town? - Yeah.
You think the guy could open up and maybe take a look?
Oh, no, I doubt it.
Can we rent a car?
- Sure. - Now?
Oh, oh, no. Not tonight.
How long will it take us to get a car?
I ate one of those um...
Well, it'd have to come from the airport.
- I think they open around 8:00. - Uh, you know.
Would they deliver it here?
I don't know. Maybe. No.
Can we borrow your car?
No.
And when you don't use bread...
Okay, well, shit.
Nothing we can do tonight. Uh, we'll take two rooms.
I think it starts with a "T".
Uh, three rooms, actually. I'd like my own room.
[CLERK] Three rooms.
Okay, even if we cab it to the airport...
we could be on the road by maybe 9:30-10:00.
There you go.
This one's out the door, up the stairs, to the right.
There's a restaurant out back towards the interstate.
You can walk it.
All right.
It's... open 'til 10:00.
I'm wanna get this guy in bed.
I'll uh, park the car later on.
You know, for food poisoning, this ain't bad.
Goodnight.
See ya.
Yeah.
He's yours, okay? He's yours.
I don't want him.
I just didn't want you to have him.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, hey.
Don't be so excited.
Where's Ryan?
On the phone, wedding stuff, thought I'd give him some space.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just got quite the buzz going on.
Thought some alcohol would add nicely to it.
Hey, can I get a shot of Turkey? Thanks.
I'm gonna go play some pool.
You can sit next to me.
You sure? I don't wanna give you cooties.
Look at that handsome guy with that hag.
Two smiles in one night. I'm on my game.
Finally getting your ice.
I hate ice, it hurts my teeth.
Oh.
Where's uh...
She's at the bar. She's probably waiting for you.
Goodnight.
Wait.
What're you doing?
You two were always together.
I'm gonna kiss your mouth now.
Okay.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow.
Oh, I know. It's crooked.
Was it, like, in an accident or something?
No, no, just kinda born that way.
I've been told that it enhances the experience.
Right.
♪ Just another morning ♪
♪ Yeah whatever morning Then without a warning ♪
All right, here we go! Here we go!
Oh, it's good, isn't it?
Mary, mother of God!
You okay?
Yeah, just gonna do one thing.
Oh, shit. That's okay.
Here, let me just try...
Oh yeah, that's better!
♪ This could be my lucky This could be my lucky ♪
♪ This could be my lucky day ♪
You okay?
You know, we don't have to do this.
Yes.
We.
Do.
♪ Day ay ay ay ay ♪
♪ This could be my lucky This could be my lucky ♪
♪ This could be my lucky day ♪
Oh! Here we go!
♪ Day ay ay ay ay Day ay ay ay ay ♪
Yes!
Long story short, that is how I became a jeweler.
Screw you, Dad. Right?
Okay.
I give up.
What?
You know, I carry all kinds of gemstones in my store.
Hundreds.
Precious, semi-precious, uncut, faceted.
Every time a woman walks into my store...
all she wants is one thing... diamonds.
Don't get me wrong, I love diamonds...
but there are so many other stones out there...
with such amazing qualities.
Imperial jade, the texture of a jacinth stone...
the way, if you add just the smallest amount of iron...
to amethyst, it produces the truest shade of violet...
you've ever seen.
I'm the imperial jade, in case that wasn't clear.
- No, I got it. - All right, too much bourbon.
Gotta go. 'Night.
Mm.
Spear of butter, a little bit of cinnamon...
on a King's Hawaiian is the ultimate comfort food.
- Hi. - Hey.
Mind if I join you?
Shut up.
This raisin bran is amazing, by the way. You should get some.
What's with you?
Nothing.
We have to stop. This is insane.
You're the most important person in my life.
You know that, right?
I'm not gonna throw that away for some doofus.
I mean, geez, right?
He's cute and everything, but there's not much more there...
than killer abs and a bent dick.
Look into young Ryan's eyes...
and I have serious doubt that there's anyone home.
There you guys are. I was knocking on your doors.
- Not now, Craig. - Ryan's gone.
- What? - Yeah, he stole my car.
Are you serious?
- What is the matter with you? - What's the matter with you?!
You told me that I could have him!
That is what you said to me and then you went and you...
- slept with him anyway?! - No, I...
How do you know he has a bent dick?!
- What?! - You slept with Ryan.
You are unbelievable, Meg. I am done with you!
I am so done...
Wait a second, we are not done...
and how do you know he has a bent dick?
Because I spent the night with him, Einstein!
Whoa, whoa! That was a kill shot!
What?
I take Krav Maga at the Y!
That was a straight up kill shot!
You took a fucking kill shot at me?!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I didn't mean to take a kill shot, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay!
I hate you!
Okay, maybe we should...
I hate you!
Will you grow up?!
Me grow up? I paid for this trip!
- Ouch! Stop! - I paid for everything!
You didn't pay for this breakfast!
It's a continental! It's free!
Oh god, just once I wish you would say "I am so sorry."
"I am dead broke again, would you please pay for my fro-yo?"
For you, it's just a bunch of heaped-on toppings!
I knew that that's been bugging your ass forever!
Why do you even bother with the yogurt?
Why don't you just go to a fucking candy store?
Is there anything you're not afraid of?
You think you are so strong.
You quit everything that you try or you do something stupid...
to make sure that you fail.
You are the coward!
I'm a coward? That's rich.
Had enough?
Oh, shit.
(GUN COCKS)
Freeze, lesbians.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Okay, I've gotten statements...
from the witnesses and the motel owner.
From what I gather, the altercation appears...
to be over a man that you've both been intimate with?
- Not at the same time. - I was first.
Okay, the fella who stole your car. What was his name?
He didn't steal my car, he left a note.
I overreacted when I said that. He didn't steal my car.
Okay.
What was his name?
Uh, Ryan... Ryan...
Ryan, um...
You had sexual relations with this man...
and you don't even know his name?
I didn't have... relations...
The desk clerk said you came in last night with the damaged car.
Officer, I have no memory of it.
I'm still gonna need the other fella's name.
Oh, he accepted my Google Plus request.
I'll show you a picture of this guy.
I'll show you his name, his likes, his dislikes...
That would have been helpful.
Oh.
Well, he's definitely going to a wedding.
His own.
- He's getting married? - Oh my god!
You two are having a bad day.
- Officer! - Sit down!
There is a woman out there who's about to give her life over...
to a liar and a cheat and we have the opportunity...
to stop him and to save her, so please...
I appeal to you, not as a police officer...
but as a woman, please.
And we'll pay for all the damage.
Everything.
Please?
You called for a cab?
We're going to the Fort.
[DRIVER] Where?
Fort Lauderdale.
Seriously? That's gonna cost you.
Well, we're just gonna put it on my credit card.
We can split it three ways.
No, I'll find my way home.
Are you sure?
You don't wanna see how this thing ends?
No, I really don't.
Come on! Let's go ruin a wedding!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ I don't run for nobody ♪
♪ Yeah I like it that way ♪
[KATE] Let's go!
♪ And we dance like we're on fire ♪
♪ When we sing we sing too loud ♪
♪ But we always find our way ♪
♪ When we walk against the ground ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey hey ♪
Hey, ladies, we're almost there.
- Game face. Game face! - Yeah.
- Game face. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
♪ And we dance like we're on fire ♪
♪ When we sing we sing too loud ♪
♪ But we always find our way ♪
♪ When we walk against the ground ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey hey ♪
Excuse me, hi.
Um, the wedding, we're a little late, but can you tell us...
where the wedding is, please?
There's a wedding in Ballroom H, just off the lobby.
Ballroom H, thank you, thank you.
- There she is. - Listen! Listen to us!
Stop! You're making a mistake, don't do it!
We have to tell you something. You're making a mistake.
Look, I know you don't know who we are...
but I slept with your future husband.
We both did, last night...
but we did not know that he was getting married.
He lied to us and he will lie to you.
What have I been...
Shut up, Dad!
You deserve better.
("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING)
You're a piece of shit, Carlos!
(CROWD MURMURS)
Carlos?
- I feel bad about that. - That was bad.
That was on us.
Hi.
Would there possibly be another wedding...
at this hotel right now?
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Shit! We missed it!
[MEG] Son of a bitch went Asian.
I'm not being racist, I was just surprised.
There he is!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Let's go!
Hey, Karen.
Sorry!
Hey, how're you doing? You look beautiful.
What're you doing here?!
You lying, fucking, piece of bent dick shit!
Shh-shh-shh!
Okay, okay!
You're pissed off, but please, please do not screw up my...
Hey, you guys. Thank you so much for coming.
It's great seeing you.
You lied to us, asshole! You took advantage of us!
I liked you. I flew in a hot air balloon for you!
- I concussed myself for you! - Hold the fuck on!
You two were throwing yourselves at me...
from the minute I got on that plane.
That was a game, right? I mean, you two were trying to prove...
I don't know what you were trying to prove.
But it sure as shit had nothing to do with me.
So, we kinda cancel each other out.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Oh, that was the most beautiful ceremony.
Thank you so much, Meemaw.
These are my friends, Meg and Kate.
Oh. I'm sorry to break in like that.
Vernon! Would you excuse us for just one minute?
Vern, tell Ryan what you said.
Shit. Is he right?
Yeah.
- Wait! - Yeah!
Right?
It was beautiful, wasn't it?
Sorry, excuse us for just one minute.
Sorry.
You got married ten minutes ago...
and you slept with two different women last night?
What is wrong with you?
I know. I'm an asshole, I know.
Asshole? It's like biblically more than that.
I want to punch you in the mouth.
Will you just listen to me for one second?
I have been with Genevieve since freshman year of college...
and hopefully I'm gonna spend...
the rest of my life with that woman.
But freshman year.
And two girls like you? You're like every guy's dream.
I know you're not gonna believe this...
but nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
- Okay, okay, okay. - Yeah, okay.
You... you lied to us.
Why didn't you tell us that you were the one...
who was getting married?
I didn't lie to you. You never asked.
Please don't destroy my wedding.
Ryan. What're you doing?
Hey!
- Aren't you wearing a watch? - Yeah, I...
Hon, I said 5:50. Not 6:00, not 6:05.
- I'm sorry. - What is this?
Oh, I-I was just doing a...
Seriously, Ryan?
Hi. I'm Genevieve. And you are...?
Gen, this is uh, Meg and Kate. They were on the plane with me.
I told you. We uh, drove down together.
Oh, wow. You guys have been through such an ordeal.
Yeah, you have no idea.
Well, thank you for returning him to me safely.
I was spazzing.
- I'm sorry. Sorry. - It stretches out the material.
Oh, that... that'll come right out.
I think it's the ham coquette.
[GENEVIEVE] Did you talk to your parents?
- I'm on my way. - No, I'll do it.
Do you think you can make it to the garden by yourself?
Yeah.
Sorry, we were supposed to start photos seven minutes ago.
Um, are you two...
What?
Staying?
No, no, I think we just-we-we just came to um...
- To see your dress. - Oh, the dress!
- I love it. - Oh, yeah, no.
- It's Christopher Perry. - It's so gorgeous.
It was his idea, he came here to design it.
I hope I can do it justice.
Are you kidding me?
I think that justice is very well served, right, Meg?
Absolutely.
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
Ryan?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Oh my god.
- That was... - Karma's a bitch.
Ryan!
I think our work here is done.
Well, it looks like a nice one.
Yeah, not bad.
We have almost four hours 'til our flight.
You wanna go mess up another wedding?
Go to the beach?
What do you wanna do?
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Pardon me, I'm in the market for a precious stone.
Something lesser known, perhaps a nice zinc?
Zinc's not a stone, it's an element.
I know it's not a stone. I was being poetic.
Jesus.
Well what, are you, stalking me to bust my balls?
No, I... fuck.
Can we start again?
Hello, Craig, I'm an asshole.
You were trying to be nice to me and I was rude...
and condescending and I didn't even give you a chance.
And I didn't want to walk away from this...
whole fucked-up trip without telling you that.
Okay. Thanks.
Okay, bye.
Wait, that's it?
That's all I had planned. I'm trying to be responsible.
This is new for me.
Okay, well... take care, Meg.
What the hell.
How about this?
(MUSIC FADES UP)
Yeah, that works, too.
Bye, Craig.
Who was that?
Well, now I'm not so sure.
- Hi. - Hey.
I was starting to get worried about you.
Did you find him?
Yeah.
How'd it go?
I did most of the talking.
Well, good.
At least you got it all out there.
Almost.
I don't think we can live together anymore.
It's me. I'm a mess.
I need to get my shit together.
And I can't, if I keep letting you bail me out of everything.
You're too good to me.
I don't know why...
'cause I can be a real asshole to you sometimes.
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT] We are now boarding flight 770 to Seattle.
Please have your boarding passes ready.
This doesn't mean that we won't see each other...
No, of course not.
You're the most important person in my life.
You are, too, ever since fifth grade.
- We'll see each other as much... - Probably more.
- As we ever had. - Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Wait. You're an amazing person, and you always have been.
I've always wanted to be more like you.
If anything, I rely on you too much.
I always cry at transitions.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
[DEMERIUS] Miss Jeffries!
Oh, hi, Demerius. You're here early.
Computer club. I um, did the report.
You said two pages?
So, is it okay that I did it like that?
You drew this?
Yeah, I finished the book.
What they did to Piggy? That was whack.
Yeah, that was absolutely whack.
So, is it okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Miss Jeffries, hold up a second!
All right, I'll see you in class.
See you in class.
Gosh, you look great.
Will you stop it? I'm not gonna quit my job.
Who asked you to quit your job?
- You did. - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did. - No.
I'll check my notes, but I'm...
I'm pretty sure you misunderstood me.
No, on the contrary, I'm here to offer you...
the assistant volleyball coach position.
Mrs. Garcia's out on maternity leave.
Did you know she was pregnant?
- No. - Neither did I.
Uh, well, just think about it. Get back to me, okay?
Principle Moss!
I can't, I got a board...
No, no, come here, I want you to see this.
Demerius, that kid with the comic, he did this.
This is amazing. Look at that.
Hmm.
You know what? I was thinking about it over break...
and I wanna shift the paradigm of the left-brained...
didactic teaching structure...
to a more right-brained, outside-the-box learning style.
- Do you follow? - I...
I'm so sorry.
It's such a bore when people talk like assholes, isn't it?
What I'm trying to say is I want your support...
to do more stuff like this.
Oh, and you know what?
I looked into cutting hair and you are absolutely right.
Hairdressers make a goddamn fortune.
It almost sounds like you're threatening me.
Stanley... Stan... relax. We are on the same team, here.
I am just trying to keep...
your instructional scaffolding in place.
Especially right before testing.
Oh, and you know what?
Yes to volleyball.
Sounds like an adventure.
Go Falcons!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Edgeworth, he brought math to economics.
He wrote the essay on application of math...
to moral science, 1881.
Leon Morris... Theory of General Competitive-
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hold on.
Hello? Yes. I know, I know. I'll be there.
- [CRAIG] Who is it? - Sorry, it was Kate.
Well, you know, I gotta get to bed anyway. I'll see you later?
Sixteen days.
Give me something to dream about.
Oh, you scamp.
Come on.
Oh my goodness! Oh boy. You are the mo...
(MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ When I think that thing you say ♪
♪ When my card declines you pay ♪
♪ When my punch line sucks you'll fake it ♪
♪ 'Cause we in this for life ♪
♪ When you kissing that guy I'm likin' ♪
Hey.
♪ When you wake in the mornin' hidin' ♪
♪ We in this for life ♪
I'm here. Has it started?
I don't think that Kalynn's going any farther.
She's cracking.
This is too hard. I don't know if I can...
Who acts like that?
Subtitles by explosiveskull
♪ Yeah we in this yeah we in this ♪
♪ Yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
♪ When I think that thing you say ♪
♪ When my card declines you pay ♪
♪ When my punch line sucks you'll fake it ♪
♪ 'Cause we in this for life ♪
♪ When you kissing that guy I'm likin' ♪
♪ When you're blacked out drunk I'm drivin' ♪
♪ When you wake in the mornin' hidin' ♪
♪ We in this for life ♪
♪ You're such a bitch ♪
♪ You call me up while I'm at work ♪
♪ You made me laugh until it hurts ♪
♪ You drive me crazy ♪
♪ Yeah you do But thank god that I got you ♪
♪ Yeah we in this Yeah we in this ♪
♪ Yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
♪ When I think that thing you say ♪
♪ When my card declines you pay ♪
♪ When my punch line sucks you'll fake it ♪
♪ 'Cause we in this for life ♪
♪ You're such a bitch ♪
♪ You call me up while I'm at work ♪
♪ You made me laugh until it hurts ♪
♪ You drive me crazy yeah you do ♪
♪ But thank god that I got you ♪
♪ Yeah we in this yeah we in this ♪
♪ Yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
♪ Nobody gonna get between us ♪
♪ Nothing can ever hold us down ♪
♪ And even when we hit rock bottom ♪
♪ We'll come back around ♪
♪ Nobody ever known me better ♪
♪ You say whatever's on my mind ♪
♪ You get me and you know I get you every time ♪
♪ When I think that thing you say ♪
♪ When my card declines you pay ♪
♪ When my punch line sucks you'll fake it ♪
♪ Yeah we in this yeah we in this ♪
♪ Yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we in this yeah we in this ♪
♪ Yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah, we in this, yeah ♪
♪ We in this yeah we in this thing together ♪
♪ Yeah we do this ♪
♪ Yeah we do this yeah we do this thing together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh come on oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Now we in this now we in this ♪
♪ Now we in this thing together ♪
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