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Seventeen past the hour of 8:00 with tnt.
We check your traffic every ten minutes.
Here's Mike Nolan, kfi in the sky.
Good morning, Tracy. Still busy southbound on the Hollywood.
It'll be a struggle from Hollywood blvd toward alvarado.
But overall, I think you'll enjoy this Monday morning ride.
Oh, man.
Ah, shit!
Oh, shit, my fucking keys. Oh, fuck!
Yes. I'd like to thank you for your order.
You should receive your groom your Booty
limited edition workout videos in two to three weeks.
Yes. Okay.
Hey. How are the calls today?
I got the Booty calls, you got the tech support.
Your stereotypical rubbish handed down by your bourgeoisie.
Think she saw me come in late?
She definitely didn't see you come in on time, drew.
Thank you for calling vantage light bulb.
How may I brighten up your day?
Start by telling me why I've got an entire Christmas tree
that won't light up.
Who makes light bulbs that don't light up?
Sir, I don't actually make the lights.
I just try to provide a solution for your problem.
Now, are your lights properly plugged in?
Young man, I am a retired electrical engineer
with the United States military.
Yes, and thank you for that.
So your lights are properly plugged
into an electrical outlet?
Oh!
An electrical outlet!
Thank you, Benjamin Franklin!
All this time, I had them plugged into my dog's ass!
Get me a supervisor, you idiot!
Do you read the news, drew?
Sometimes.
How about the wall street parts?
On occasion.
I don't think you do because if you did,
you'd realize that this country is in a financial crisis.
It's on the brink of a national economical depression.
It's gotten so bad that only one in twelve people
are gainfully employed.
Gainfully?
I would think that the lucky few who have jobs
would be bending over with gratitude.
- I-- - uh--
are you bending, drew?
I try and bend.
Well, I don't see any bending.
With a, uh,
oh, a 49% call rating,
I'm gonna go with no bending.
I'll try to bend more.
Oh, you will bend, drew.
All eight hours of every shift,
you will bend over and take everything I give you.
Think of a... oh!
Think of a happy little giraffe.
Ooh, ooh! He's running.
He's running through a field in Africa.
Oh, oh, oh!
He sees a tree with some leaves.
Mmm! Oh, he's eating them.
Aah! He's eating the leaves, but it's not leaves, drew!
It's your asshole!
Get back out there! Put the headset on your ears.
Act like you give a damn about your job!
Where did you get this?
They're all over the Internet.
This isn't me, ebony.
Oh! That's not you?
That's my face, not my body.
So do you have a twin sister that you never mention?
Zip it, Hugo!
Zipping.
Human resources is investigating as we speak.
Human resources? I don't have time to talk about this.
I gotta go pre-board.
You are not going anywhere. They have grounded you
until the investigation has wrapped.
This is my job.
Nikki, I've got direct orders.
You are suspended indefinitely without pay.
Now, I need your wings.
Clipped.
You obviously do not need these, fairy boy.
At least I have wings.
Every day I feel like I'm in prison in there.
Yeah, but prison is prison 'cause you don't get a break.
- It's a metaphor. - You mean an analogy?
I mean I hate my job.
Lots of people hate their job, man.
And my roommate.
Roommates are roommates, dog.
You think it helps me to echo what I say after I said it?
Echo? These are words of affirmation.
I'm trying to help you enjoy life, brother. Relax.
Life? This is not a life.
I live in a one-bedroom apartment with a caveman.
I failed the bar for the second time now,
which means I gotta keep working at the call center,
where Kathy wants to shove a giraffe into my ass.
Damn. That does sound like prison.
You might think it's funny,
but the civil rights movement is no joke, drew.
We have a black president. What more do you want?
I want my forty acres and my fucking mule. How about that?
Oh, my--
what the fuck are you doing?
- Perv! - Oh, my god.
- Hey! - Fuck is his problem?
- Hey, are you okay? - I think so.
What the hell was that? Did you see him?
Yeah. He just pulled his penis out.
Why didn't you do anything?
Well, it happened really fast.
Yes, hi. I need an officer. I was just--
I don't know. I was humped.
I'm not sticking around to hear that shit, man.
African-Americans do not fare well at crime scenes.
- Nate, you're overeating. - No, I'm not.
Yes, he had a black face.
Mask, okay? He had a mask.
Not face.
Get that shit right.
Somebody report a hump and run?
Yes, officer, I did.
Is this the black face that dry humped you?
- No, no, no. - No, he's gone.
Put your hands in front of the vehicle, where I can see 'em.
- What'd I do, officer? - Or you will be tased.
This is racist, man.
He didn't do anything, officer.
- Who are you, sir? - My name is drew Thomas.
Fantastic. I'm officer who-gives-a-shit.
- What are you doing here? - He's a witness.
- Oh, so you saw everything. - I was standing right here.
And while the serial humper was just hammering away,
you continued to just stand there?
It happened really fast.
Okay, Nancy,
how about we start out with a thorough physical description.
Well, I couldn't really see his face.
Couldn't see? Because you didn't have your contact lenses in?
No. I don't wear contact lenses.
Because they irritate your eyes?
No, I don't need them.
You just hold on right there. We're not done yet.
How many fingers am I holding up?
One.
One and three halves. That equals two and a half.
I'm afraid you do need visual aids.
I didn't think half fingers counted.
Just like you didn't think a physical description
would be necessary to apprehend the criminal.
Hey, officers, this is about me.
So while this citizen was happily complacent,
were you able to secure any details?
Yes, and I already told you he had a black face.
Mask, goddamn it!
- Hey, you shut your mouth! - It was a mask.
You wanna get tased? Just get the hell out of here.
Thank you, officer.
You know what? My work is done here.
To make it official, ma'am, please fill out that form
and mail it to the address below.
That's it? She just mails it and then just waits?
Affirmative. Or you can do it for her
if you're not just still standing here.
Really?
Hope you have a better rest of your day, ma'am.
Ready, rookie?
I get fired for naked pictures and humped by a dog in a mask.
That's normal, right?
Naked pictures?
Now I'm late for class. Just keeps getting better.
For the naked pictures or...
You know what? Forget about it. Forget about this too.
Really? I could fill this out for you and totally call you.
No. Just pretend you got good Karma coming your way, right?
Right.
"Evan polus. Starmaker academy."
Evan, hi! This is Sara! I did it!
I walked in the room and killed it.
See ya soon, or should I say, "you'll see me soon."
Evan, Mr. polus, it's al.
I just had my final callback on that boxing film. They want me!
I used all your techniques, and I killed. You're a genius.
I'm gonna blow this town away. Whoo!
Darren Hughes here from Mulholland productions.
Just had two more of your people drop by my office.
Listen, I haven't seen talent like that since,
well, let's be honest, ever.
See, if I had a beer for every one of these messages,
this entire room would be foaming
in the suds of drunkenness.
Now, you people sit here longing to be intoxicated by stardom.
How the hell are you gonna make it
like these people on my machine?
Well, folks, it's simple.
You're gonna do exactly what I tell you to do.
Now, you want to get smart and do your own thing, all right.
But please, don't come running back to daddy
after you've been chewed up and spat out
onto the urine-filled streets.
I'm the only person in this town
who can take you right to the top, baby.
Now, the sooner you realize how lucky you are
to be here under my tutelage,
the sooner you people will be shining brighter
than the big fucking Dipper.
So...
Watch out, NASA.
It's time to discover some new stars.
That little Daisy Duke outfit got me going.
Damn, if I were you, I'd get ahold of that ass quick.
That's amazing advice, as per usual.
Without her job, she's gonna need a new pilot.
I could be your copilot, drew.
We can fly her into some international territory.
What does that even mean?
This is your copilot checking in.
We're clear for takeoff.
Expect a bouncy ride with hella turbulence, you know?
Just like that.
You are sick.
Tell me again why you didn't get her number?
Oh, I know exactly where to find her.
Why did you leave me here so soon, Michael?
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend, Michael.
Jesus!
Dude, what?
Who is Michael?
Apparently an overdose victim.
He was your best friend.
No.
It's from a monologue.
Do you knock?
Who's that man in the mirror?
What?
That man in the mirror is you, drew.
He's your best friend now that Michael has passed.
He's always there.
And sometimes he is all you have.
Thank you for that, hansel.
Can you please shut my door now?
no. No, I don't think you get it, Hugo.
I need something different.
Something strange.
What are you laughing at?
No, I'm not.
Wanna open the door?
Okay.
Here you go.
Close it.
Close it!
Oh, my god! Get off of me!
You like this?
Get off of me! Get the fuck off me!
I can hold you all day, woman.
Let me go!
Get the fuck off me, you big bitch!
- Stop! - What are you doing?
Drew? Oh, my god!
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
No, babe, you got this, you got this.
Stay in the moment, Nikki. Keep it. Use it!
I think I'm still warm. I think I'm still warm.
Yeah. I'm gonna go unleash the beast.
Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Blow 'em away, baby.
- Here it comes! - Blow 'em away, baby!
Yeah!
I was warming her up, you idiot.
Newbie class is that way.
You'll never be a star.
Cocksucker!
Good evening!
And welcome to the world famous
starmaker academy!
Brace yourselves for your group numbers.
1, 2, 3, 4.
1, 2, 3--
uh, shh...
Tonight you'll be stripped
to the barest of your vulnerable bones.
Studies have found that most people would rather not live
than speak in front of a live audience.
Well, you are the brave.
Que se dice, my brotha?
What...
That's Italian for hello.
Sei de ce CIA dito!
Move.
That's Italian for "you're late! Sit down, please!"
What?
As I was saying,
you will be standing here delivering your monologue
that you have chosen
that will accentuate how far, how deep,
how wide your potential as an actor should be.
The great Evan polus has interested me as his gatekeeper
to determine who gets in his class
and who get stopped short of stardom.
If your group succeeds,
you will advance to Evan polus' class
and have the opportunity
to be in Hollywood's greatest showcase ever.
Do you wanna work eight, ten fucking hours?
You own nothing. You got nothing.
Do you know I eat octopus three times a day?
I've got octopus coming out of my fucking ears.
I got the fucking Russian shoes, and my feet is coming through.
Hey, I'm no fucking criminal, man.
I'm Tony Montana, political prisoner from Cuba,
and I want my fucking human rights now.
What a dork!
Good job, rowe.
That shit sucked!
As you can see, no one can become a star overnight.
It is an evolution.
Even Brad Pitt was a pathetic little lungfish.
Then we made him a star.
Brad Pitt didn't go here.
I don't know, did he?
Mr. Italy, do you have a name?
Rubisio uccellini.
And I have a lot more than just a name.
Beautiful.
Let the evolution begin.
Max calls me up and says, "que ce dice, my brotha?
I think I got heat.
Stay on this cell phone with me."
He comes out of his driveway and says,
"oh! I think they're coming from every direction, my brotha!
I got bags full of money just buried in my lawn."
So that night, I'm out there with a flashlight
just digging up bags of money!
The end.
Uccellini! Ha ha!
Good job, rubisio.
Uh, quick question.
Our assignment was to prepare a monologue
from a narrative film, right?
Right.
That was from a documentary.
Who the hell are you?
It's a monologue taken from an amazing movie,
the cocaine cowboys.
Which was a documentary with live interviews,
so there weren't actually actors in it.
It was real.
John Wayne was cowboy!
He was a real cowboy.
So if you're not a fan of real movies,
then you're probably not gonna be a fan
of all the other real shit that I have for you.
Cut!
Let's see what you got, Shakespeare.
The director has yelled cut!
Now, class, self-control
is an important aspect of this business.
Sometimes it's okay to punch a thrust.
Other times, you need to punch a thrust.
Yes, chance.
Did John Wayne really smoke cocaine?
I'm right here, chance.
And no, John Wayne was not a cocaine cowboy.
Can my monologue be John Wayne?
Did you prepare a John Wayne monologue?
The title of my monologue is "Ruby."
Ruby. Ruby. What is Ruby?
Ruby is an Italian guy who is in my acting class.
He thinks he's really big and macho.
But if Ruby had half the cock I have,
he wouldn't have to be so macho, would he?
Que dice, beeyotch!
Um, uh...
Give me back my family, fucker!
You know, one time, I...
I had to be in a little play,
and I... I swallowed the harmonica.
They had to give me the hemlock treatment.
Why'd you leave me here all alone?
You were my best friend, Michael.
Scene?
Who's next?
Ah.
How 'bout you?
Tears just streamed down my tired eyes.
And then he came.
And he kissed me.
And with a ring on my finger
and in a promise in my heart,
I can say that I am loved.
Alas...
I am finally loved.
Scene.
Brilliant.
Not a single string in my heart was unstrung.
I feel like I was ridden hard and put away hot and wet.
Okay, it is time
for you to become acquainted with your fellow numbers.
You will be rehearsing with them this week.
Que se dice, my brothas!
Now it looks like this group might have a fighting chance.
Why is that?
Why? Because I'm in it tinker bell.
Tony Montana, puta, octopus!
Dork!
Well, welcome. We're just trying to figure out where to meet
to practice our scene.
Do you live close by?
You got a house, don't you?
- Yeah, but-- - okay, cool. Let's go there.
No. It's not the kind of place where-
hey, we're going to your house.
The dork, the fairy and i will see you there.
Uccellini is out.
He just made the bear touch my penis.
Oh, my god, you were so amazing, babe.
Like your boobs were heaving and your mouth was like,
like pulsing with rage and--
see, I thought i was the best too.
Your hair is like so silky and--
- hi, Nikki. - Hey.
Hey, just so you know, stalking is a felony.
Heidi, rude.
- You go here now? - Yeah.
Gotta go.
Mm!
Help me, mommy!
I'm a big stalker creepy douchebag!
I can reserve the banquet hall at my community center.
We'll have plenty of privacy there.
That's a really good idea, Ruth.
Maybe after we rehearse a couple of times,
we could have some of your neighbors was us perform it.
Oh, wait until the older folks see you.
They're gonna wanna snuggle you six days from Sunday.
I've wanted you for so long.
But this just feels so wrong.
Shh. Don't think about it.
Just enjoy the fact that you're about to be
with the best-looking man in your life.
Uccellini.
Uccellini?
Yeah.
Come here.
Lulu.
I slave away all day
while you stay in my office and humpy hump?
What, this?
No. We were just talking is all.
Nothing happen, Lulu.
You shut your mouth, lele.
Ow, Lulu.
Lulu, stop.
Stop. Listen. Look, we talked about this,
a guy that looks as good as I do can't be monogamous forever.
Sometimes I need something different, you know?
A little strange.
Strange?
And that's why you wanna be with my twin sister?
You dumb little fuck!
Ow! Ow! Okay, okay. Listen, stop.
What about my headshots?
You dropped your little gummy worm in the wrong pond.
Now you have no headshots!
Ow! Okay, look, look, look.
Listen, what if i go to the house,
and we talk about this when you get home?
You don't have a house anymore, hotshot.
You just got evicted.
Oh, hello! Come on in, take a seat.
Lulu, let's talk one more time, please.
Hey, you know what?
You're the one that's missing out.
Uccellini! Uhh!
This mind and this body?
She's gonna be on a wounded knee,
begging this prodigy son to return.
I think what you're referring to
just happens to be the story of prodigal son.
It has absolutely nothing to do with Asian sisters
or wounded knees
or morons in leisure suits on the fucking clock.
Hey, step down, old man.
We don't any philigisticsum from the walnut gallery, all right?
The prodigal son was ignorant and arrogant.
But he had all the necessary means for success,
but only after returning home
to the wisdom and guidance of his father.
You have the roar of a lion,
but a lion who's stuck in a cold cage,
waiting to be warmed up,
warmed enough so you can crawl out of your den
and discover your time to kill.
It has all the elements we need: Greed, passion, anger, jealousy.
I say we go for it.
I'm not doing a scene from bring it on.
Sounds like a total bitch fest.
And rubisio uccellini ain't no bitch.
I say we do a scene from the godfather.
Actually, I've never seen the godfather.
That's 'cause you're an idiot.
Oh, that's productive.
Oh, othello's here.
Of course I'm here. This is my house.
And it's really nice.
Come on, you guys, why don't we do a scene from stand by me?
There's four of them, and there's four of us.
There we go. That's a start.
Three claps for rowe.
Those kids are like eight years old.
I'm not gonna pretend to be a kid.
Oh, I don't think you'd have to pretend.
Were they friends with Michael?
No, hansel.
That was from a monologue.
These are actors from an acting class.
Hi. Hey, sir. Uh, I'm rowe.
I'm sure you are.
And that's my hookah.
Oh, I'm so sorry, i--
What the fuck?
Thank you.
Ugh.
I no wanna you go, papa.
That's gonna be on television?
They're performing for us. You're interrupting.
Well, I hate it. I want my ticket money back.
I'll miss you like the dickens, sweetheart.
I love you, papa.
Why is that girl calling that little boy "daddy"?
Is this some of that perverted adult smut?
It's a theatrical performance, you blowhard!
Like a dinner theater?
Like a dinner theater, Lenny.
Well, I'd like a Salisbury steak.
That tears it! That tears it! That tears it!
That's the end of it! The end of it!
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
It's not my fault that nobody wants to hire these rejects.
So tell them that.
Listen here, you dry humping fuck,
you don't tell daddy what he can and what he can't do.
You know, you do a lot of talking with your pelvic region.
Where the fuck is chance?
Hey, drew.
Oh, hey, Hannah.
How did it go with your group?
Uh, I wouldn't really know how to put it into words.
- Hey, drew-hoo. - Oh, hey, Nikki.
Um, Nikki, this is Hannah. Hannah, Nikki.
Hey, Nikki.
Um, it's nice to meet you.
Uh, Hannah is in the other class with me.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, I will see you in there.
Yeah.
Break a leg.
Thank you.
Looks like she broke more than just a leg.
Poor girl.
She's pretty good, actually.
Yeah, well, she's not a star.
Once you're here for a while, you'll see.
So what's the difference between the two classes?
I gotta go.
Evan: Unleash the beast!
Okay.
Chance, where the fuck are you?
- Move it or lose it, bitch! - Whoa! Jeez!
Oh, please, darling, won't you reconsider?
I can hardly breathe,
thinking about you not being here,
laying next to me.
Well, duty calls, sweet cheeks,
and this cowboy don't back down to anyone or anything.
I no wanna you go, papa.
Uh, now you listen, and you listen good, son.
While I'm gone, you're the man of this ranch.
Now, I want you to feed the chickens
and milk them cows, you hear?
And I want you to make sure that your mother and sister
are never fondled by the other cowhands.
Hannah: I love you, daddy.
Yippee-ki-yay!
Neigh! Neigh!
Action!
Men, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Who screwed up my mess hall?
Sir, it was not me, sir.
I didn't even eat anything last night.
Then you're dismissed, soldier.
Get out of my face!
It wasn't me, sir.
I took an oath to serve this country and to tell the truth.
As a result, i can't tell a lie-lie.
Saved by the don't ask, don't tell clause.
Lieutenant, that's already been totally amended already.
Ugh.
Back to your bunker!
I don't really care what you have to say for yourself.
You made me question the validity of basic training.
One of these days, I'm gonna give you what you deserve.
Really? Are those even the lines?
Shut up, soldier!
You're a sorry excuse for a human being!
Scene!
Whoo-hoo!
Groups two and three?
You have advanced to Evan polus' class!
Whoo!
Drewy, we smashed it!
Uccellini!
Suckers!
Tomorrow, 2:00.
Everyone coming with me.
Oh, I got work in the morning.
Drew, are you sure?
Positive.
That's fine.
I'll just pick something up for him.
Tout's presh.
Ugh.
Move.
Uccellini!
Okay, okay. I'll tell them.
- Adrian can't make it. - Well, let's just go inside.
Honestly, I really don't wanna wait for rubisio.
We said that we would, rowe. We have to wait for him.
Que se dice? What's up, ladies?
Anybody up for a little game of two on one?
Hi, rubisio. You're looking nice today.
Well, thank you, Hannah.
You look mighty fine yourself, woman.
Come on. Let's go get our shop on.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not giving these little rats a dime.
Rats?
How can you say no to those girls?
They're so precious.
They stand right outside the entrance,
pressuring everyone with their hard sale tactics.
Rubisio, they're kids.
They are not employing tactics to move cookies.
Hello. Would you like to buy some cookies for charity?
Que se dice, little lady?
We'd love to, but unfortunately our friend here
can't be within 100 feet of children.
What? No, no, no, no. That's not true.
- Tell her that's not true! - It is true.
I'm so sorry. That's not true at all.
That's not cool at all! What are you doing?
Hey, shut up. I saved you 7 bucks.
Where the fuck is chance?
Chance!
This place is gross.
Oh, that's not very nice.
You know, you gotta stop being such a bully.
Waitress: You guys ready?
Yeah. I'll take the bacon burger with no lettuce.
And your choice of a house salad,
regular or sweet potato fries.
I'll take the house salad.
Okay. And you?
Yes, I'm gonna enjoy the Turkey burger
and Caesar salad, please.
Great, and I'm pretty sure they're out of the grape soda,
so is cola okay?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
- Who said grape, drew? - Chill.
She probably got you confused with somebody else.
Chill? Look, man,
the day my skin color does not dictate
the fallacious assumptions of ignorant individuals
is the day i will chill, brotha.
That sounds like something i heard last February.
Oh, now we're hating on black history month, huh?
All this over a purple drink.
How many goddamn times do I have to tell you
we have an appointment to do our headshots right fucking now?
- I do not remember. - What do you expect?
Me to just float up onto that horse, you fuckface?
Get your ostrich ass out of this thrift store
and into the urine-filled streets now!
If I hit something, you're dead meat.
Now, look, I don't care how long this takes.
You were late, so now you're gonna pay.
Now are you ready?
Hold on. Let me warm up.
Yeah!
Uh-huh.
- Okay. - Why don't you check your lens?
Is it even working?
Mm-hmm.
We're done.
- Why are we shopping here? - I'm a struggling actor.
I can't afford anything else.
You're not an actor. You're an idiot.
Cool, I'm an idiot.
Freeze, pervert! Put your hands up in the air!
- What did I do? - Grab him, rookie.
Oh, it's on now. Come here!
Oh, my god! Why are you so big?
- Ow! Ow! - Shut up, you little pervert!
I literally didn't do anything!
Tell them! Tell them I didn't do anything!
Get your ass up against this bike.
You lie to us one more time, and you will be tased!
- I never lied. - Put him on the ground, rookie!
Absolutely.
Yeah!
You think it's funny?
- No! No! - You think it's funny?
Do you think it's funny?
Ow! You're too tight!
Ow! It's too tight, sir!
Too tight? How 'bout this?
Oh, my god! Ow! Oh, my god!
You think it's funny?
Enough, rookie!
Enough!
Bacon burger with a salad.
Thank you very much.
Fried chicken, burnt pork and sweet potato fries.
Fried chicken? I ordered a salad.
Oh. I thought you said sweet potato--
salad.
We don't have sweet potato salad.
Free at last, my black ass.
This is bullshit.
Okay?
You eat the chicken wing.
Sir, I didn't even know half fingers were included.
Just like you didn't think acting like a pedophile
was against the law?
- Sir, I didn't-- - you didn't? You didn't?
- Mm-hmm. - Well, now you know, Mary.
If I ever see you blink in the direction of a child,
you will be tased, no questions asked.
Are we clear, Mary?
- Mary? - Are we clear?
Yes, sir.
Now get out of my face,
and get out of the shopping center.
God! What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my god!
You did good, rookie.
You made him run like a little bitch.
- Hey, you. - Hannah, hey.
I got you two medium shirts,
one blue and one purple.
I figured they'd look good on you. I...
I hope you like them.
Oh, uh, thank you.
Oh, my gosh, you didn't have to do that.
- Wow. These are nice. - Yeah.
Um, can you just...
Oh. Yeah.
- There you go. - Thank you.
So how did...
Oh, um...
My aunt has an equestrian farm,
and one day i was practicing...
My uncle's tractor backfired and spooked the horse.
Wow.
I fell and, um...
I pretty much lost the sensation in the right side of my body.
I get pissed off when my leg falls asleep, huh?
That's not what I meant. I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry that happened. - No, it's okay.
What about you, drew Thomas?
I finished law school last spring.
You're a lawyer?
Well, uh, not exactly.
I'm a minimum wage telemarketer until I can pass the bar.
Then what are you doing at starmaker academy?
Thank you for calling grove your Booty,
revolutionary backside workout
paired with all your favorite groovy tunes.
Yeah, is this the machine for to make my ass so fly?
Yes, and for calling right now it can also--
you know if it works or not?
'Cause like I used to have a Jennifer Lopez ass.
I could shake it like, you know, Shakira on crack, you dig?
Fools used to get all sprung when I walked by, you dig?
We here at groovy Booty promise results
in just 15 minutes a day for 30 days.
No! Get out. For real though?
Yeah, yeah for real. Money-back guarantee.
Before you know it,
your husband will be getting all sprung again.
Who said nothing 'bout no husband?
Now let me tell you something, silver spoon boy.
We ain't all chillin', eating caviar,
drinking red Merlot.
You dig?
I said you dig?
Yes, ma'am.
What I get for free?
You all walked in here below average at best.
But let me tell you,
by the time I'm finished with you,
you'll have seen more red carpet
than the streets have seen urine.
Now, to my new students,
it's simple.
You just do exactly what I tell you to do
and how I tell you to do it.
Okay, let's just take it up a notch, have a bit of fun here.
Who can we get? Nikki, why don't you come up?
Give me that.
You have just returned from the war.
While you were in combat, you stumbled on a land mine.
It exploded, killing three in your infantry,
but luckily, you survived,
but not before it blew off both your legs, all right?
Take that.
You're a war hero, Nikki.
But your fiancé, he can't stand the sight of you.
He's told you that he doesn't love you
without your beautiful feet
and your pretty little tippy toes.
You are devastated.
He's gonna leave you, Nikki, so talk to him.
Now, whenever you're ready.
Why?
Oh, Tommy, why?
I loved you, and not just for your hair or your eyes.
I loved all of you!
And what, because I don't have regular feet or ankles or knees,
you're leaving me?
See, look at this. See, you see this?
Now, this is, this is beautiful.
This is fant-- you're blowing me away, baby.
Nikki, you're blowing everybody away.
Stay in the moment, darling, stay in the moment.
I loved you!
- You are so fucking beautiful. - Thank you.
What the-- Rachel! What the fuck is going on here?
- It's not like that at all. - It's not what you think.
What do you mean? It's exactly what I think!
You guys-- you're my sister! Rachel!
What the-- you told me you loved me!
You said you loved me! Are you serious?
That's disgusting! Why would you do that to me?
I fucking hate my life! Honestly! Fuck you!
Hey, fuck nuts, get up there, sit next to your fiancé,
who you so haphazardly kicked to the curb.
Go on! Get up there.
Tell her why you can't stand the sight of her.
Beautiful, darling, beautiful.
Why? Tell me why!
Oh, you wimp.
Uh, it's--
it's not that I don't love you, baby.
It's just, i live on the beach.
What does that have to do with you leaving me,
you selfish bastard?
What, now that you live on the beach,
I'm not good enough for your beach friends?
No. I mean, it's just all the sand.
I'm not strong enough to push the wheelchair.
I'm but a 110 pounds is all.
Do you think this is good, newbie?
I don't know. I'm trying.
Well, it's fucking terrible.
Take him outside. Warm his ass up.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so how does this work? What are you gonna do?
What the fuck? Ow!
Come on, dude! It's too tight! Ouch! I can't breathe!
Get off me! Get the fuck--
I'm not dumping you because you lost your legs.
I'm leaving you because you've been sleeping with my sister,
you unfaithful whore!
Here we go.
You don't think I saw you with her in the garage?
I was in love with you.
I was gonna take off this purity ring and become one with you.
But no! You betrayed me!
Selfish bitch.
That never happened.
Shut your mouth, Rachel! This is my turn!
Unleash the beast, you son of a bitch!
Time to kill!
The doctor said you lost both your legs,
but he forgot to mention the most important part of you
lost forever.
Your heart!
Scene.
Beautiful. Beautiful!
You see, everyone? You noticed that?
I eliminated his fear and allowed the adrenaline
to unleash the brilliant acting beast inside of him.
Nobody can teach this.
Of course that's why you're here.
You're not gonna make it in this business without me.
You really blew me away.
Guys, hush, please, for a sec.
I'd just like to say,
rowe, what you had tonight was a breakthrough.
Thanks, guys.
Here's to everybody shutting up already and drinking.
Salud, bitches!
Wait, wait, wait. Before we all cheers this shit,
when we all become stars, what are you guys gonna do?
I think I'll go to Milan, start my own boutique.
I guess I'm next. Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna play the field for a while,
and then once I hit it big,
I'm gonna get Lulu back 'cause she's my rock.
Check this out. I'm gonna buy a clydesdale
and ride that bitch across the rockies.
How 'bout you, Hannah?
What I'd really like is to find a guy that would love me for me.
One day you're gonna find that guy, and when you do,
he's going to be the luckiest guy in the world.
That's a promise, hotty-potatty.
Ugh!
Please, can we just toast before we puke?
Idiot.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Your hair is like, it's like blonde silk, you know?
It's like so smooth like water,
like cascading over the...
Oh, my god, it smells like heaven.
Nikki.
Oh, look. Creeper boy is back.
Lucky for you, i gotta go potty.
Naked pictures, huh?
Same face, different body. Really?
It's not me.
So I could just go online, check 'em out.
Oh, is that how you look at naked girls?
You go on the Internet?
Damn, you got me.
How could a little boy like you deal with a woman like me?
Que se dice, my Nikki?
You up for a little game of two on one?
Rubisio.
Hey, drew?
What?
Go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen here, Nikki.
What's gonna happen here, drew?
We're gonna take these shots,
and we're gonna go back to my house.
How do you know i even like you like that?
Whoa! Who said anything about liking anybody?
Maybe I just wanna run a scene with you.
Oh, yeah? What kind of scene is that, drew-hoo?
Think that hurt you? You have no idea.
Take this off.
Company policy clearly states
no more than three inches above the knee.
You, young lady, have no excuse
because I suspect you are quite experienced
in measuring things by the inch.
Get out.
Oh, shit.
Deboard.
Rrrrr...
Choo-choo.
You wanted to see me, Kathy?
Do you know why we have a schedule here, drew?
I believe so.
I don't think you do
because if you did, you'd show up to work every day on time,
just like all those other little worker bees out there.
Sorry, Kathy, it won't happen again.
You're right, it won't because this is your final warning.
After that, you'll be out on the streets,
probably turning tricks just to pay your rent.
Do you know what it's like to sell your body for sex, drew?
Pants around your ankles
in a dirty bathroom somewhere downtown.
In this economy, you'll be lucky to get 20 bucks a blow.
You know what? I quit.
I'm taking this!
Psycho!
You wanna be a star, you dumb fuck,
then answer my calls.
Oh, I know what you're doing.
I know you're on your set, right?
Making your fucking movie.
You get your pampered-wearing ass back to class,
or I'm gonna toss you into the urine-filled streets
for the last time.
Oh, yeah! Can you breathe?
- Yeah, I can breathe. - Oh, no, no.
Now! Can you breathe now?
- Yeah, I can still breathe. - I bet you can't. You're lying.
You little bitch. You like being my bitch?
No, I don't.
You don't like being my bitch? How about an ear?
You like that, motherfucker? You like that?
- You like that? - Ow.
- You like that? - Stop.
Yeah? You warm yet, you little bitch?
I'm warm, I'm warm!
Go and unleash your beast, motherfucker.
Hey, drew.
- What? - Go fuck yourself.
Rose, you must do me this honor.
You must do me this honor.
No matter what happens,
you have to promise me to survive.
How hopeless you may be,
you have to promise you'll hold onto that promise.
I promise. I promise.
Never let go.
I'll never let go, Jack.
I'll never let go.
Ah, you see that, folks? Did you see that?
That is a big, dark academy award-winning cloud,
looming right there over their heads.
Well, get your umbrellas out.
It's about to rain a fucking Oscar!
All right! Scene! Yes!
Beautiful.
All right, guys, well, everyone...
Important announcement.
Showcase is in one week.
This is a million-dollar opportunity.
I want you all to contribute to each other's success,
help each other, get behind each other,
root for each other.
I want you to tell all your friends and family.
I want to pack this place to the rafters.
I wanna really get the adrenaline flowing.
I want it to be really fantastic for you guys.
So I want you all to bring in $50 tomorrow
to help offset my cost for the showcase, okay?
Sir, $50 is a lot of money for me to spend right now.
What?
Sorry, did I hear that right?
So you're gonna throw away your whole career, worth millions,
for a measly $50?
Is that what you're telling all the class here?
You wanna quit?
No, sir, that's not what I meant.
You know, I've given up millions of dollars as an actor.
I've suffered through four very painful divorces
for your ungrateful asses.
You know, I was offered the lead in amadeus.
All right, it was the tour.
I turned it down for my students because I love them!
And what do you do?
You kick me right in the teeth for 50 fucking dollars!
Like your character, rose,
as you were doing it moments ago,
when you were promising your young toy boy,
"oh, I'll never let you go! Woo hoo hoo!
I'll never let you go! Never let you go!" What?
Then the bitch lets him go to the fucking ocean floor!
Uh, uh...
Grammy no gonna give no money. No piggy bank, no.
Jesus, take a knife.
Yes.
Besides our scene and the money,
is there anything else we need to, you know, prepare?
Thank you for asking an intelligent question.
Yes.
You need to find the beast inside you,
and you need to unleash the hell out of it.
You see, this is your one chance to take Hollywood by storm,
so I want you to get all your shit together,
and I want you to really blow these people away!
I want you to blow everyone away.
Come on, people, unleash your beast!
There! That's it! That's brilliant!
He's the king!
You have just earned yourself a lead in the showcase.
Whoo! Uccellini!
He is now your king! He's in charge!
Evan is outta here!
I'm in charge,
which basically means I'm the boss.
We'll be meeting here tomorrow at 7:00, capisce?
How about we all decide
what time is best for the class, fuckface?
Hey, it's been decided.
Be here at 7:00, or your little ass
is out of the showcase and into the urine-filled streets.
Capisce?
Evan: Yeah, come in.
Sir, I have a concern
burning in my bosom.
Oh. Well, I have a concern
that you're just one thrust away
from throwing out every disc in your lower back,
but I'm don't come barging into your office, now, do I?
They've had less than one month of training.
Don't you think it's a little early for them
to be exposed to producers and agents?
For Pete's sake. What, their careers?
I'm dealing with, what, autism
and 80-year-olds drooling on my carpet.
We've got degenerates here.
They're not degenerates.
They're individuals with hopes and dreams
just like everyone else.
I've even got one that can't manipulate 50% of her body.
Her name is Hannah.
And she's beautiful and talented.
So you tell that to the director of horse whisperer ii
when he calls to say,
"Hannah couldn't hold the reins of the stunt horse
with one hand."
Do you really think that's gonna help her career?
- Well, do you? - Evan!
I don't know what you're saying. Frankly, I don't care.
This is a very nice scotch.
I'm sitting here enjoying myself,
so why don't you take your little cushion
and ram it up your ass?
Yes! I got the part of the queen.
- That's the lead part. - Congratulations.
Thank you.
Looks like I got the old knight in shining armor.
Oh, cool.
Que se dice, my lovely Nikki?
Since you're playing the queen,
you'll have more lines with me than anyone else.
Really? Why is that?
I don't know, Juliet.
Who do you think would be the logical philigistic
for the queen to have conversilagism?
- That's not even a word. - A king.
Well, I'm a knight in shining armor,
and I'd take that any day
over being an ignorant, uneducated, lazy king.
Oh, my god, guys, please.
That's perfect.
Then why don't you make like the cute little knight that you are
and find something to do with your time, my brotha?
Because the king and the queen have a lot of work to do.
Come on, Nikki.
Uccellini!
Motherfucker.
- Hey. - Hey, Hannah.
- You did a great job tonight. - Thanks.
I'll catch up with you later, okay?
Are you okay, drew?
Yup. Top of the world.
En garde!
Not today, hansel.
The lover's identity has been resurrected.
Where'd you get Nikki's ID?
She's probably gonna need this.
I should probably take it back to her, right?
Rubisio: Ooh, yeah.
Oh! Now your ass a little bit.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
Now look at me and say, "uccellini."
Uccellini.
God, you're so good.
Oh, baby, put your leg up on the couch right there.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh.
Damn, that looks good.
Oh! Move the robe a little bit.
Why?
What?
Just move the robe.
Yeah. Ooh. The shoulder, I like it.
Hey, people.
People.
Hey! Shut up!
The director's talking.
Shouldn't we wait for Nikki to get here?
Nikki's gonna be a little late.
Really? Why is that, rubisio?
Sorry. Hi. What's up?
I don't know, Nikki. Why don't you tell me?
I thought you weren't that type of girl.
I can't do this. I'm done.
Hey, where you going?
Drew, don't bail on us. We need you.
Yeah, I thought we were all in this together.
Where you going?
Okay. The only reason I joined this class is to bang her.
Apparently, she's a whore.
For the rest of you,
granny, what are you, 90 years old?
Wake up.
And you?
You can barely complete a sentence.
Talking to you is like dealing with a crack baby.
I don't wanna say not no drugs.
And what, a fashion designer and a geek
take over the entertainment business?
And you, little guy,
I don't know if you got the memo,
but they already shot the movie Willow.
Yeah. You're about 20 years too late.
You might wanna see if Santa's still hiring for the season.
Check that out.
Oh, with your pterodactyl arms--
uhh, uhh--
who's my bitch now?
- Hey, drew? - What?
Go fuck yourself.
Starmaker academy's a joke.
We're all bigger jokes for being here.
Oh, and everybody knows you're not Italian.
Yes, I am.
I am Italian. Nikki?
Give it up.
Guys, what the fuck is wrong with...
Sounds like that little Betty did you dirty, bro.
Another dude in the same week, huh?
That's why I hit and quit.
No emotions involved, my friend.
Hey, can I get you something to drink?
Oh, shit.
You again, huh? Well, yes.
I'll have a cabernet sauvignon.
- Vodka, please, double. - Okay.
You know, Nate, it'd be one thing
if she hooked up with another guy.
Ohh! Rubisio? He's just so gross. Ugh!
Hey, look, I knew it. I got the gift, my friend.
The gift?
Yes, the gift of intuition.
We could've had an oreo cookie, brother.
-Nikki's white. -I don't give a shit. I'm black.
Okay, so I got one double vodka
and one straight cognac
with a splash of jungle juice and a watermelon wedge.
Watermelon? Fuck is jungle juice, man?
Hmmm...
Come forth.
Hi, hansel.
Um, is drew here?
He is without presence.
Does that mean he's not here?
Do you know when he'll be back?
I do not.
I also do not know who you are.
This is Hannah. She's part of our acting class.
Ah. I extend my right hand, and she offers her left.
Uh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I can't use my right side of my body.
Because you choose not to move this side of your body.
No, actually, it's not by choice.
A beautiful girl who is a nonconformist.
The magnitude of such copious assertion
is far too sagacious for me to comprehend.
Therefore, I hesitate to articulate
with any degree of accuracy.
Wait.
I worked my ass off to be the best actor in this biz,
but I can't change who I am.
I can't change the way I was born.
I think you just need to stay positive, Teddy.
How do you know there's not a movie being written right now
about a leading man who's also a little person?
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm talking about dealing with the backlash of discrimination.
Well, as a little person, right?
No, you idiot, as a homosexual.
- Shit! - Okay, all right.
When I first started, i was a total basket of nerves,
but then I just let the adrenaline take over
and unleashed my beast, just like Evan taught us.
Oh, god, you guys. I-i gotta go.
- What? - My ex. My ex is in there.
I can't deal with this right now.
I think I know what you need, Teddy.
Let me go.
Yeah? Tell me to let you go,
or I'll hold you like this all day, woman.
Let go of me, you asshole.
I'm warm, I'm warm.
Freeze, pervert!
You have three seconds to put that child down
or you will be tased!
You again?
Oh, shit. No! What? No!
First, girl scouts, now little handicapped boys?
What? No!
You are sicker than I thought, you sick little pervert!
Teddy, tell them. It's a misunderstanding.
Officers, I'm 26 years old.
He's just helping me so I could go inside and blow 'em away.
- What? - Oh, sweet Jesus.
It's okay, little boy.
You don't have to blow anyone today.
I'm not a little boy.
You can go shove that up your black ass.
God! Teddy, are you okay?
Step back or you will be tased!
- Who are you? - My name is Hugo.
What the hell are you doing here?
I was inside just having my normal vanilla nut latte,
skinny girl edition,
and I saw this beast manhandling my little Teddy.
Are you this little boy's father?
No. He use to be my lover. He was amazing.
He would get to places you never--
oh, my god.
You know your friends are gonna be at that showcase tonight.
- Apparently. - You're supposed to be there.
What do you think they're gonna say when you don't even show up?
- How do you think they'll feel? - Who cares?
Anything else?
No, thanks.
Look, that's messed up, drew.
If you say you're gonna do something,
then, man, you gotta do it.
All your peeps are gonna be there
while you're sitting at a dive bar.
Come on.
Let's go.
I'll take my watermelon.
Little boy, I'll be right back for you.
We will find your parents today, sweetheart.
Don't either of you move a muscle!
- Let's go, rookie. - You gonna pin me down?
I unleash beast. Let's go! Hurry up!
I no wanna miss showcase.
You guys just go without me. I can never keep up.
Yeah, right. Let's saddle up, dudes.
Oh, my god, Teddy! What the hell is happening?
Stop being such a queen. I'll be fine. Leave me alone.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to the showcase.
- I gotta unleash my beast. - Where are you taking him?
Shut up, Hugo.
Don't you die on me!
Okay, I don't even know how to turn this thing on.
Honestly, I never driven one of these.
I've never even ridden a bicycle. Shit!
Ladies and gentleman, please allow me to introduce
the one and the only star-studded ensemble,
I give to you...
The starmaker academy!
Once upon a time in a land far, far away
lived a very selfish king.
I am both intelligent and handsome.
Are there any men greater than me, my loves?
Your greatness goes unparalleled, my love.
You are the greatest king in all the land.
And that is why I shall wed even more wives.
A male specimen of this caliber
shall not be hoarded by merely three women,
for I desire more wives.
May we ask that you not take another lover,
for we are beginning to feel like just a number, my love?
Asshole.
Heidi, my queen,
you have always been the quiet one in the group.
I suggest you keep quiet,
or I'm gonna toss your ass out of this castle
and into the urine-filled streets.
Cold.
Why don't you have a car again, Nate?
You might find it funny, drew, but the environment is no joke.
Let me get off this thing. Fucking segues.
One of the king's guardsmen appears,
bearing news of a recent discovery.
King rubisio, Grant thy servant Liberty
to speak freely to thy greatness.
Yes, my guardsman, but first,
who is the most handsome king in all of the land?
You are, king rubisio.
Though my gate does not swing in that direction,
I am confident enough to compliment.
Why have you come bothering me and my lucky concubines?
Your warriors have returned, good sir.
They have come bringing you a new wife.
Send them in, my guardsman.
Hello, my good king.
We've returned from our travels and brought to you
the beautiful woman in all of the land.
Whoa. I thought I was the most beautiful queen.
Silence!
Hold this.
Bring forth the prisoner and let me examine her myself.
Well, what do you think?
Is this object of affection pretty enough
for the king of all kings?
Pretty enough? Are you serious, rubisio?
Hannah's way too hot for you.
She doesn't deserve a jerk like you.
Shut up, you idiot. That's not part of the scene.
Tell it to someone who cares.
Warriors, come forth and put this moron in the hole,
for he has shown great disrespect.
I will wed this prisoner of love.
I shall make her my concubine immediately.
Bring forth the priest.
Que se dice, my reverend.
Good day to you, my king.
What a beautiful young bride thee has selected.
You are a lucky king.
I am a deserving king.
Now begin the ceremony,
for I am growing increasingly anxious to bed down my new wife.
Please, king, have mercy on me,
for I love another man.
It is he I wish to live happily ever after with, not you.
Silence!
You are now mine, and you will forever be mine.
Continue with the ceremony now.
If no one objects to these two wedding this day--
unhand her!
Unhand my beautiful wife, you filthy king,
for I have traveled a fortnight
to fend off this ferocious king.
But now as I stand before you, you are no king,
for you are an insecure coward.
Enough.
I said enough.
Shut up!
What are you guys doing?
That's not even part of the scene.
You're gonna ruin this shit.
I now declare each and every one of you
a free member in society.
Live and let live.
Shall we rejoice?
Come forth and fight me for your love.
Ooh!
Come fight me for what you think you deserve!
Uccellini!
Hansel.
Thank you, kind sir.
What the fuck, drew?
Go fuck yourself.
Ow.
You know jujitsu?
This is meditative mixed martial arts.
Now relax.
Eee!
Yeah!
And it came to pass,
hansel had defeated the evil king.
The darkness had moved out and made way for the sunshine.
A new day has arrived!
The end!
what are you doing?
Hugo: Ah.
Hugo, baby, thank you so much for coming.
Teddy, that was glorious.
I swear, I believed you were a lumberjack.
- Really? - Oh, my goodness.
It was just...
I told you that class is like amazing.
I didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't.
- I forgive you. - Yeah?
The point is that you're here now.
Yeah, all right.
You just mean so much to me, honestly, like--
hey, you all have three seconds to get on the ground
or you will be tased!
- No one move! - Him again.
- What's your explanation, boy? - I have no explanation!
And who's this young lady behind you?
- She's my girlfriend. - Don't lie to me, boy!
You can't get something that hot!
I swear to god. She's my girlfriend. Tell him!
- I don't know him. - What the fuck?
- How much did you pay her? - It's on, it's on.
All rise for the honorable judge Martinez.
Drew: These geniuses were charged with Grand Theft Auto.
Luckily for them, I finally passed the bar exam.
You may be seated.
Hey, drew. Tell the judge to go fuck himself.
No, don't do that. Don't tell him that.
Hello, your honor. In today's case, 1009,
the people versus starmaker academy,
we'd like to enter a plea of not guilty.
Drew: And had them demoted.
I know!
It's all because of you.
This is all your fault, we're in this situation.
- I told you, I told you. - This one's no good.
Boulevard horny, scene donkey dick, take three.
Drew: Teddy finally got his anger under control...
Hey.
...once he found his true calling.
Okay, I think he's ready. Let's bring in the real talent.
I am the real talent.
- No, no, no, no. - Are you ready for me, big boy?
Teddy: I think he's still too cold.
I want you to take his ass outside and warm it up.
Time to warm your ass up, bitch boy.
That dick looks good on you, girl.
And action!
Drew: And rubisio?
Well, let's just say Karma is alive and well.
Ugh.
Hey, Charles,
I think we just found the new face for our company.
Nikki morehead. Find her.
Nikki became the official spokesmodel
for non-virgin airlines.
Hannah! I thought we were meeting at sag.
Yeah, I figured I'd pick you up. That way we can carpool.
- Besides, I missed you. - Thanks, babe.
All in all, I'd call this a happy ending.
Mm-mm-mm.
Even for Nate.
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