Fuck Wolverine.
First, he rides my coattails with the R-rating.
Then, the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying.
What a dick!
Well guess what, Wolvie?
I'm dying in this one, too.
To understand why I took a catnap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel...
I need to take you back to the doody slopes of six weeks ago.
I've gone international. Taking on mass murderers, gangsters,
unspeakable monsters.
People nobody would touch. Except me.
I'm gonna touch them all over.
Hey. It's Gail calling.
Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.
I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...
Well I'm not even gonna attempt that.
But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so...
Donde esta la biblioteca?
Which literally translates to...
"I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker."
Uno, dos, tres, quatr...
I'll take a glitter off your glitter fucking vodka.
I know it's called sea breeze. Don't make me say it.
Hit it, Dolly.
Taking the hands off the guns of the criminals.
Do not go in there!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Time out! Time out!
Cut! Just like Cyclops, can't open my eyes.
Fuck!
Scoutmaster Kevin?
Too exotic?
My world tour brought me home to this guy.
Sergei.
We'll get to him in a moment.
Because I know what you're thinking.
"I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home."
But that's where you'd be wrong.
That babysitter of yours, is high as fuck right now.
And believe it or not...
Deadpool 2, is a family film.
True story.
And every good family film starts with a vicious murder.
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw VII.
Holy shit-pickles. That guy's on fire!
That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah.
You know, you need to take out bad guys, right?
But this guy... He was one of the worst of 'em.
Open up with this fucking door, and let's kill this motherfu...
Ugh... So gross.
A panic room? Really?
Can you come out?
I really have to go. It's my anniversary.
Open up what you feel inside. Just not having enough confidence.
Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create.
And you can create it any moment in time.
A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself.
A sense of certainty that you can pull something off.
And you can create that feeling within you, in a moment.
Start the fucking car!
- Woo! - I shit my pants.
Actually, that may have been me.
Mission accomplished?
Well, George W-sort of way.
Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.
- You are living the dreams, DP. - It has been quite the run, Dopinder.
And who'd have thought?
Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.
Passion of the Christ, then, me. At least, domestically.
We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion.
I do want to live the dreams, Poolboy.
Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.
- I want to fill my... - Pockets? What's your poison?
Little cookie cokey?
Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online?
Never experienced that last one.
- Talk to me, - I was going to say, soul.
I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.
Dopinder?
You never cease to surprise me.
The depth of your heart is extraordinary.
We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home.
- A place... - I want to become a contract killer.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu, and tried to end him...
You kinda killed him.
Remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
I don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed ten-year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time.
Then she looked up at his smooth, handsome face,
and said, "I want some more".
Oh, Pool, picture me! A ten-year old Kirsten Dunst.
I'll never not picture that.
But I can't wait to never speak of this. As soon as possible.
We're here.
- You're my Tom Cruise. - And you're my Kristen Dunst!
Kristen? Kirsten?
Sorry I'm late.
There was a bunch of...
Handicappable children stuck in a tree. I had to...
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
Then I discovered his mom was named Martha, too.
No.
Traffic?
Hmm?
- Kiss me like you miss me, Red. - Well, come here.
I wanna shower and get out of this suit.
- Don't you want your surprise? - Do I look like a patient burn victim?
Happy anniversary, baby.
The ski-ball token.
- Our first date. - Yup.
That's genuine high-grade lead.
I'll keep it forever.
Thank you, baby.
Open yours.
Well that's...
That's just the most beautiful thing I ever...
I don't know what this is.
My IUD.
A bomb?
No, dick for brains. My birth control device.
You mean your...
- Baby factory is open for business. - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I want a boy.
Or a little girl. Just really one or the other.
I want our kids to have only one name.
Like Cher.
Or Todd.
You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.
Yes, I do.
Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss.
Let's do that.
Does this song sound familiar to you?
May.
Connor? If it's a boy.
May if it's a girl.
So weird.
Family's a lot like an "F" -word to me.
Pile of shit father took off and bailed, and...
It's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.
Hey.
Look at me.
You are not your father.
Besides...
I will never, ever...
let our child be named "Todd".
But here's the thing. Isn't that how it always works?
Like in Star Wars...
Men are destined to become their father?
And then have consensual sex with their sister?
I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.
- No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. - Baby, that's Empire.
The point is, kids...
They give us a chance to be better than we are.
Better than we used to be.
You're a lot smarter than you look.
I'm gonna go make dessert.
You get the strap-on. Let's make a superbaby.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way but we can try.
What about Krystal, with a K?
That's too stripper-y.
Kevin with a K?
No. Too stripper-y too.
Earl?
He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl.
What about Bruce?
- Get down. - What?
Baby? Baby?
I'm okay.
Thank God, I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.
Papa, can you hear me?
Is it just me or does "Do you want to Build A Snowman" from Frozen
sounds suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me" from Yentl?
Papa, can you hear me?
That nobody fucking realizes it.
Go home. You've been here for three days, okay?
You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it had become gangrenous.
They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it. It doesn't make any sense.
I love Frozen.
I loved her. I loved her like ocean loved water.
- An ocean is water. - More importantly...
I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck. He's dead too.
- At least we still have Bowie. - Yeah.
We still... have Bowie.
I'm sorry.
Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're...
Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? You're
making the face that you make when you're urinating.
- Is he pissing? - I'm on it.
There you go, Dopinder.
You wanna be a contract killer, you're gonna
handle a mop before you handle a gun.
Although I don't quite understand how they are all similar.
Well, they both have handles. Now leave me.
Go home, Wade.
I don't have a home.
Whoa. Okay, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine.
You know what fine stands for, Wade?
Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.
According to the...
Kubler-Ross.
According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.
Jesus Christ, Buck.
No more speaking lines for you.
- I'm thinking it over. - Motherfucker! Fuck.
What the hell are you doing here? Don't you know how to knock?
I thought you saw me. With your ears.
- You're lucky I didn't shoot you in... - The wall? The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
I heard the news, sweetie.
I'm very sorry. I am.
What am I gonna do, Al?
Probably something terrible.
- Knowing you. - It was my fault.
I fucking did this.
And all I wanna do is grab her, see her. Tell her that I'm sorry and I can't.
She's gone.
Sweetheart, can you speak up?
It's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth.
Now look, sugar.
- You need to just keep living. - Thank you...
Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.
Listen to the pain.
It's both history teacher and fortune-teller.
Pain teaches us who we'd all be.
Sometimes it's so bad, we feel like we're dying.
But we can't really live 'till we die a little, can we?
Wade?
- Wade? - I'm right here, Althea.
Maybe that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
You're absolutely right.
I'm about to do something terrible.
There. All caught up.
You can't really live until you've died a little.
Let's test that theory, shall we?
I love you, Wade Wilson.
Ness?
Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you.
Your heart's not in the right place.
Wait. Hold on, what?
Your heart's not in the right place.
Wait, what's that, what do you mean my heart's
not in the right place? What does it...
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken.
Oh, God. I know that voice.
Heart's in the right place. Heart's not, what does that mean?
You've been sleep for three days.
- I took the liberty of dressing you. - No shit.
- Why can't I fucking die? - Take your mask off, Wade.
We must talk. You need fresh start.
With training, you can be X-Man.
You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus.
- I'm not X-Men material. - Understatement of the year.
Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.
What, in the fuck-knuckles is this?
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends.
I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.
- I like this guy. - Give him a chance.
- It's great seeing you like this. - Yeah...
Bye, Wade!
Now some ground rules while under our roof.
Rule number one: No killing. Anyone. Ever.
No matter how bad.
Rule two: Label everything in refriger... Wade?
Wade?
Don't try to chase me. Not ready to be touched yet.
All these elderly white men on the walls.
Should've brought my rape whistle.
Those were already damaged after they fell there.
What am I supposed to do around here, anyway.
Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings?
And how would I do that, exactly, because...
Where the fuck is everyone?
It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage.
- Longest Name ever. - Enough!
I said no touching.
What the... fuck.
You'd think the studio would throw us a bone.
They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men?
How about that pots with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do in there?
Carry them three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb?
No, no, no, no, no. No.
I am not X-men material, at all.
First off...
I'm not even a virgin. Sceond, and more...
I should've left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in.
But this is what friends do. They show up.
Not when convenient or easy.
When hard.
And you always make it hard.
You are unwell.
I'm sticking my neck out for you.
One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away.
- Jesus Christ. - Wade.
Whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice.
It was me.
I'm the asshole who got away.
I killed every last one of them. Except me.
Couldn't kill me.
We were gonna start a family.
We were, uhh...
We were gonna be a family.
Wade, Vanessa is gone.
She is not coming back.
This may not be family you want.
But, it's family you need.
You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow.
What did you say?
About my heart?
I think I'm in the right place.
Wade.
Wade!
Hey. I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here. Looking deep into the future.
- This thing... - That's not how Cerebro works.
Yes. Yes.
- We have mission. - We have mission. We do.
You do. You guys stay safe out there.
- No. I want you to join. - No. You want me to join.
- I'm sorry. What? - You are ready.
That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly.
You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint.
It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart.
Be at the X-jet in five.
Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
Live here on a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.
A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort
of an incident with police here behind me.
There are two police vehicles that are overturned...
A scene of absolute chaos...
I'll burn you! Just stay back.
Get away from me! You wanna fucking die?
It appears as if the X-Men are arriving with, what appears to be a trainee.
Everyone calm down. The pros are here.
We're the X-Men.
A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s.
So, respect.
At ease, officer.
What are you doing?
My job.
You're the one who said I was ready and I frankly disagreed with you.
But here we are. Trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says:
"Please. Please stop cheating on me."
Hey!
This is the fifth incident.
This kid needs to be in the Icebox. Not here.
Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison.
I assure you, we have everything under control.
Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty.
- It is Glenn, isn't it? - Daniel.
I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid.
You stay here wth your weird...
Secret sex lips.
You wanna die?
He's so adorable. Dunno why I packed a hollow point.
- I'll burn your balls off. - First day. I'm so nervous.
Did you just say hollow points?
Yeah. Probably should've brought a super soaker.
Hi, there.
Stay back, or Justin Bieber dies.
Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.
Wait, wait. Okay, let's not do...
Whatever that is. Okay?
Let's just talk. It's Russell. Right?
- Firefist. - Firefist!
That's a great name.
Where does it burn? Just the fist or all the way up to the elbow?
Definitely all the way up to the elbow.
Come quietly. Or there will be trouble.
- You stole that from Robocop. - Robocop!
Just stand down. You're embarassing me. Look!
Firefi... Fire...!
I can't say it. I'm so sorry!
Shit. That fucking does it!
Put your hands behind your knees and get down in your head, now!
Wade!
What was first rule?
Label everything in the refrigerator!
- Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken!
That's the exact opposite of what they are meant for!
Fuck! Fine.
I'll start from the beginning.
- My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. - Trainee!
I get it.
All right? You're scared.
Alone.
You got no family? I didn't have a family. You live in this dump? Well guess what?
I used to live in a shithole just like it.
But you know something?
I think that is worse.
It's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body...
Is going through some fiery changes.
Too far. I went too far.
That was effervescent.
Stay in school kid. Or don't. I didn't.
- I'm an X-Man. - Trainee.
Fuck it. Superhero landing coming up.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's so impractical.
- I could get used to this X-Men shit. - Trainee!
Trainee!
- Get a collar and restrain him, now. - Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
What's that do?
Power dampening collar.
Shuts down all mutant abilities. Can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
Could've used one of those in the first act.
Thank you.
That was absolutely thrilling.
True heroism in action. We are in your debt.
We can take it from here.
Take me to the Icebox, please. Anywhere is better than here.
Believe me son, you do not wanna go to the Icebox.
Let's get you inside, young man.
No, wait. Wait, you just, you guys stay there.
Those guys hurt you?
Who?
Baldylocks? Jared Kushner?
Fuck it. Four or five moments.
- I'm sorry? - Four...
Or five moments.
That's all it takes to be a hero.
People think you wake up a hero.
Brush your teeth a hero.
Ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.
But no. Being a hero
takes only a few moments.
Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.
No!
- Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no!
That kid was abused. You can tell, you can always tell.
We have rules. You are not judge, jury or executioner.
Fuck your rules. I fight for what's right.
And sometimes, you gotta fight dirty.
You let me down for the last time, Wade.
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
Is there like a sorting hat?
Hard left, douchebag.
Please. After you.
Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America.
It's a good to talk a little.
Nighty-night, you annoying prick.
But I'm gonna tell you what the big lie is.
Toilet paper.
Toilet paper is certified appetizer.
But then...
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
That's your main course. They're soft. They're moist.
They're for babies.
And finally. One more patch of toilet paper made me clear out that excess moisture.
Maybe treat yourself to a glow and go if you can get you a hair dryer.
Just about thirty seconds until you get...
What the fuck.
Year?
What?
What year is it?
What kind of dumbass question is that to ask?
- You're a long way from your superpowers. - Yeah.
Okay.
I wanted to be a superhero.
Always wanted my own supersuit.
What happened?
When's the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero?
Never. The industry discriminates.
Fuck superheroes.
Fuck everyone.
The first thing I'm gonna do when I get out of here...
Burn the Headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with the smoldering corpse.
Who says prison isn't informative?
Fucker hates mutants.
Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.
Your abilities...
I know how seductive they are.
Please, no more crying.
Tomorrow, I'll find the biggest guy in here.
I'm gonna make him my b...
- What was that? - That is the biggest guy in here.
Fun fact about the Icebox: though no one's ever seen it,
they keep a monster in the basement.
Right next to a huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
Look...
I can't protect you.
With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer.
Give me a bow and arrow, and I'm basically Hawkeye.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits.
I'll start by making us a shank.
Good listening.
I saw that guard's pen and stashed it in the old,
prison wallet. If you know what I'm saying?
Prison wallet?
I really hope I don't know what you're saying.
I can hear you rummaging around in there.
Here to update you on the story reported earlier...
After a lengthy stand-off outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation,
two mutants were arrested and transported to the Icebox.
Entering repair mode.
Don't. Don't do that.
What? Why are you winking at me?
- I've got your back. - Oh, my God.
- I said I'm gonna protect you. - Just leave me alone, kid.
Oh, great.
Well. Look at our new friends.
It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.
That's some light catalogue, but really,
modelling's just a stepping stone for acting.
I wasn't talking to him.
Have we met? Can't place your moustache.
- Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson.
What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?
You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here.
You don't look like much to me.
First rule of the yard, fuck-face. Find the biggest guy and make him your...
Second biggest guy. The last thing I need is more hepatitis.
It's slippery, too. This table needs a wipedown.
Can we get a wipedown on the table?
- Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. - No I didn't.
- He's my friend. - Zip it. We're not friends.
You're about to get dick-slapped...
I had so much fun. You were like, and I was like...
- Please, let me die in peace. - We make a great team.
We're not a team.
I just saved your back there. We're friends. Partners.
We're not partners. Or friends.
This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer.
And you winning the Icebox award for Softest Mouth.
There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone.
You wanna survive?
Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here. Make friends with them.
Make friends with someone.
Anyone but me.
Maybe even Black Tim.
Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is he's African-American.
Searching.
Cell 0-4. Located.
The door won't open.
That was our cell.
What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm?
Get away from me, kid.
Listen to me, go!
Hello, Russell.
Hello, superpowers.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
That's got some zip!
Don't do that. Even I can't kill me.
Talk!
What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy?
You might wanna start talking because I got a
long history of firing at times like this.
The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.
So you're from the future. All right, three questions, then. One...
Is dubstep still a thing?
Two. What Sharknado are we on? And three...
At what point do I need to say, enough with the robotic arms?
- Dubstep's for pussies. - You're so dark!
Are you sure you're not from the DC Universe?
They love dubstep!
Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in ninety-ninetynever.
- Something to remember you by. - Give me that back.
That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack.
Why are you protecting the kid?
I don't give a fuck about him.
He's arguably had a mother complex.
What's this one do?
In every film, is a moment when the hero hits rock bottom.
In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke.
In Human Centipede, it was when those people, signed on to be in that movie.
But in this film, well, you're looking at it.
Rock...
Meet bottom.
Ness?
Hey, Ness!
Ness! Can you let me in? Please!
Please.
Oh, Jesus.
You're not giving a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope.
I joined the X-Men...
Went to prison, with a...
With a kid.
Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be.
The kid!
That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place.
I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone. Ever.
- I need to be selfless. - Yeah. But was does that mean?
It means, I'mma save Russell.
Maybe I couldn't save Nessa, but maybe I can
save a robust teenager from New Zealand.
Yeah, what I mean is the word selfless. I really don't know what that means.
- Jesus Christ. - Okay.
Look, according to my guy,
those muties are being transferred to a super-max 80 miles away.
- Great. I'll pick them off along the way. - Hold your testicles there, buddy. Okay?
We're talking about an armored convoy. And, a vicious super-soldier from the future
just looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray.
You know what we need to do?
We need to build a fucking team. We need them tough,
morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years.
- My body is an instrument of death. - Not now, Dopinder.
- I could be of great use. - What's your superpower?
That's adorable.
You had the courage to check and see if there're
enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser?
Sorry you had to see that. No, I'm glad you heard it.
All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental.
It's time to get back on Linkedln.
Transport will begin at 0800 hours.
- The fuck you want? - That's my fucking pudding.
Fuck your pudding.
Hello?
I know you're in there.
Must be hard being the biggest guy in here.
Lonely at the top.
They're moving us tomorrow.
Maybe I can get you out of here.
We can make the whole world our bitch.
We need a secret code.
No, that's stupid, Russell. You idiot.
We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters.
I'm like 2Pac, and you're like Ice Cube.
Terrific. These are all terrific.
Meet Bedlam.
Cool name. Superpowers?
I can distort electrical fields.
Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain.
So basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him.
- I'm Zeitgeist. - Cool.
I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the,
- the pulse of society? - No. No, I spit acidic vomit.
- You want me to demonstrate? - No, we'll take your word for it.
Listen, we're all eating at Arby's. Okay?
This is the Vanisher.
But...
Vanisher!
- Nice! - Right?
- He's not here, is he? - He may be running late.
- My name's Rusty but I go by Shatterstar. - That's good. Yeah.
Rusty is... terrible.
- So, where are you from? - The planet Mojoworld.
So you're an alien, I guess. How does that help us?
I'm basically better than you at everything.
For just once I wanna find a planet with people that are worse
than me at everything. Whole bunch of functional idiots.
- I'm gonna go there and be their Superman. - Isn't that Canada?
You shut your goddamn trash mouth.
- Meet... - Domino.
- What's your shtick? - I'm lucky.
If you're so lucky then what are you doing here with us?
I don't know yet.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means that I don't know yet.
But there's a reason why I'm here. I don't know
why I know. Everything usually works out for me.
- Luck isn't a superpower. - Yes, it is.
- No it's not. No-nay. Mario No-pez. - Yes it is. Hmm-mmm.
- Yeah. - Not-cho cheese.
- No, definitely... - There's no way...
- I, sorry I was interrupting you. - No. I interrupted you.
- No, no, no. You can go first. - I was just gonna say, no it's not.
I was gonna just bring it back to that, yes, it is.
Let's meet in the middle and say no, it isn't.
But it is.
Okay...
- You're hired! - Oh, lucky me.
She's great.
- And last, but not least. - Peter.
Are you cat-fished here? Or...
Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh... Nope?
I don't have them. I just saw the ad and, thought it looked fun.
- You're in. - Yeah.
Fuck!
Let's go!
This is convoy 17. Departing the Icebox. We're inbound.
Peacetime makes people soft.
I was born into war.
Bred into it.
- Okay. - People think they understand pain.
What's the most pain you've ever felt?
- These strains are pretty... - I've done a list.
We're gonna work down it. Together.
Number one, I'm gonna bend something.
Something that was not meant to bend.
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because I'm not gonna make it to two.
I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know?
I'm done for the day.
I cried when they cancelled Felicity.
Right. I'm really scared, I get nervous erections. I got one right now.
Don't look at it, only make it worse. I don't
want you to hurt me and I'll tell you anything,
anything you wanna know. Except for where they are.
Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Cherry Duggan
parkway. The monster's with him. I wouldn't fuck with him.
Intercept the convoy. Grab the boy. Not inappropriately.
Know what, I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
He has an ass-pen. He'll stab you with it.
Watch out for this guy, Cable.
He's very short. 5'11". Not like in the comics.
And if we succeed, we'll all go home early.
So you go after them Cable. I warn you.
There's a wind advisory in effect.
A little turbulent out there.
I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee,
he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.
- We're getting close. - As a former X-Man...
- Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam.
I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name.
"X-Men?" Men?
The point is our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral.
From now on, we'll be known as...
X-Force.
Isn't that a little derivative?
I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter.
That wasn't me.
Hang along, we are at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy and grab the boy.
- Let's bring on the carnage, baby! - Get me on the ground, watch me go!
- Yeah! - Woo!
I just... I just wanna say how proud I am of this team.
You know, you guys, look amazing.
Vanisher I have no doubt you look amazing, too.
If this is the family that I've always dreamed of having, I had...
Shit. I missed out.
I have struggles with that sometimes.
- I hate to interrupt but is anybody
nervous about the hard winds? - Gary.
- My name's Peter. - I realize you're new to this. Relax.
- You've been chosen by a higher power. - Did he just call himself god?
- I think he did. - I'd like to go home.
And I'd like the McRib to be available year-round!
But sometimes...
You think we didn't jump out the plane to get a light breeze?
Cure this shit now, moustache!
I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'll
never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear.
Hit it!
Go! Go! Go!
Let's get some!
Oh, yeah!
Convoy, 12 o'clock. On my command.
Deploy!
A little off-course here.
Holy mommy fucking shit!
There they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches.
Oh, yeah. That's right, Bedlam.
Motherfucking village!
Shatterstar. Okay. You got this.
Left. Left!
Left, you idiot!
Well, I guess we found something you're not good at.
Vanisher.
Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.
Really? All right. We can do this with four.
Sugarbear. You got this, buddy.
That's the stuff. That's the X-Force spirit.
Never underestimate a man in a moustache. Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
- You're a goddamn superhero, you! - X-Force!
X-Force!
- Peter. - I got you. You'll be fine.
You got this big guy. There we go, Peter!
- We're X-Force, right? - We're X-Force!
Oh, my God! What the fuck?
Fucking acidic vomit!
Oh, God.
Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land?
Good news and bad news.
The bad news is, the whole team is dead.
The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar.
- He was a bit of a prick. But Paul! - Peter.
Peter. We'll miss him most.
But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it.
- Nope. No chance. He's dead. - The whole team?
- Only the main ones, we're still good. - Fuck, you are dumb.
Even after all this time, I still can't talk about
it. Who knew these winds would be so strong?
Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. Everyone not on the helicopter.
They're headed into the tunnel.
I'm that kid's only hope. So sit tight and wait for my word.
Whatever. We're gonna lose them. I'm dropping in.
That's a negative, sole survivor. Luck isn't a superpower.
- We are so fucked. - No. We are certainly not fucked.
Seriously, I don't get it.
What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes?
It's just hard to picture. It's certainly not very cinematic.
I mean, luck? What coked out,
- Fuck! - Glass-pipe sucking, freakshow
comic book artist came up with that little chest turd?
Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
Once again, it all falls on my shoulders.
It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act.
- I'm in. - I'm sorry. What did you say?
- I'm in. - How in the fuck are you in already?
- Oh, shit. Cable, 12 o'clock! - Shit! New plan.
Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid.
I'm coming up on your six.
That is amazing!
- Where is he? I can't see him. - He's on top of you!
He's going in through the back! Oh, God, he's inside!
- You hear yourself, right? - Accidental double entendres!
- Russell. Russell Collins! - Hands off that kid, John Connor!
No, no, no, no!
Shit!
Two can play that game.
Got it! No, I don't.
- Showtime, momma! - Lady luck, take the wheel.
I'd ask who you are but you'll be dead in seconds.
I'm Domino. And doubtful.
Hang in there, Dom! This is really hard.
You give me back my ski-ball token.
- You're doing great. - X-Force!
I guess dubstep never dies.
You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!
That's unfortunate.
- We got no brakes. - Figure it out.
There's nothing I can't kill.
Somebody knows... karate.
Give me your best shot, one-eyed Willy.
Oww.
Here we go.
- Domino, mind slowing us down? - Here goes nothing.
Knock, knock.
That's my boy.
Holy...!
I'll be first to admit. This did not go according to plan.
I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon.
Looks like Russell found a new friend.
Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass. And maybe, possibly mildly lucky.
But Cable? Yeesh. That guy's in the mood.
A mood that is about to get significantly worse.
There's something that's terribly, terribly wrong.
Oh, God. That hurt.
Russell? Russell, where are you?
Russell.
Russell, you're okay. Oh, thank Go... oh, my God!
Juggernaut!
I thought that was you. I shoulda worn my white pants.
You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan.
Uncanny X-Men, 103, 4411,
X-Men Unlimited 12, you know it's always
been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your
helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent.
I don't mean right now.
- I'm gonna rip you in half now. - That's such a Juggernaut thing to say.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God, I can't feel my legs.
Oh, well. They're right here. Got them.
Russell.
I have a mission.
To get my revenge.
- I'm going to burn that Headmaster alive. - You're not the revenge type.
- Take it from a friend. - Friend?
You were sick and I protected you. You said it yourself.
I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger, so I did.
Russell, I couldn't protect you back then, but
I can now. What do you want me to say, huh?
I care about you? 'Cause goddammit, I care about you, Russell.
What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say "legs"!
- I know you're gonna say "legs"! - Legs!
Still hurts to hear out loud.
What is that? What is tha... That's not a real rope.
You get back here, young man!
Doms...
Doms, get me out of here please.
Use my arms as backpack straps.
Think we may have found your cosmic reason for being here.
- Pretty sure this isn't it. - X-Force.
No child is hopeless.
- Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just
walk away? There was coldness in his eyes.
You should have heard it.
I guess family really is an F-word.
Rub my legs, mama?
Mama not rub your legs.
Please. It hurt. I have growing pains.
What in the?
Why is your hand so tiny, and your...
- That's not my hand. - Oh, Mary mother of Joseph!
- That was nice for me. - Wade!
Hey, I heard what happened with the convoy and...!
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Not if you do it. Look at you, you're just straight-shirt cocking it?
- Toddler-style? - Oh, yeah. Full Winnie The Pooh.
What the hell's happening? Describe it.
I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.
- Here we go. - It's like he was giving birth anally
but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out
- and they said, "you know what? I'm done." - Happy?
It's like he's a muppet from the waist down but this time,
you can see the muppet's dick. God, he's got a cock the size of...
double-park. I got three written... What?
No. No. No. DP, not again.
This has happened before?
Jesus! Either vomit or don't. The decision is killing me.
Why couldn't God take my hearing.
- Wow. - Cool your pants. They're growing back.
I'm talking about your face.
I've never seen you without your mask before. Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado. - Your legs, though. They're cute.
You wanna borrow a pair of pants?
I'm glad everybody dropped by. You must be wondering why I didn't call you here.
I'll tell you why I'm here. The time-traveler's wife's
husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me.
But all I told him was everything he wanted to know.
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
- So we can go after him without me. - No.
I'm doing this alone. The Juggernaut will kill you all.
I'll just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me.
What will you do?
I don't care what the kid did to me. I won't let Cable get to him
even if I have to teabag him to death.
It's really just a sip of tea at this point.
Zip it, Black-Black Widow. I'm flowing. The first
order of business is to get me in front of Cable
so I can put all the fucking blood out of his
body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry.
Then, I'm gonna take his skin.
And stretch it out over our homemade mating drum.
He's standing right behind you, isn't he?
What in the ass.
Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr?
You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy.
Is that really necessary?
No. It's his Basic Instinct.
What can we help you with?
I'm here to proposition you.
- He's really teeing it up, is he? - He gets to make the first joke.
I think we shot through him at the same time.
Good call.
For $45 you get sucky-suck...
- I only do over the pants. Mouths step... - Fuck!
The Proposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance.
Wait, wait, wait. I wanna do mine over.
Give us the line again?
I need your help!
Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are.
But you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
I can't bring him down alone.
So here we are.
Well we're no longer accepting applications for X-Force, unfortunately.
Even if we were...
There's a wind advisory in effect...
We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.
No offense, but if you know so much,
why not travel back to when he was a baby and kill him then?
Or better yet, head back a little further. Kill baby Hitler.
I use a device to slide through time.
The longer I travel, the harder it is to control.
I got two charges. One to get me here, one to get me home.
That's just lazy writing.
Your boy's gonna kill the Headmaster in the orphanage tonight.
After that, he gets a real taste for it.
Like 10-year old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker.
So he keeps killing. And killing.
Until one day he kills the wrong fucking people.
My people.
Relax.
I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.
It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch.
The difference is night and day.
You remind me of my wife.
- I'm sorry? - I said, you remind me of my...
No, I'm sorry that you said that. While making
heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.
She always joked.
And she was funny.
She filtered her pain. Replaced it with humor.
Something I could never master.
It was my fault she died.
It was my job to stop people like him.
I came close, a few times.
I wasn't too happy about that.
But he was trying to hurt me and he knew exactly how to do it.
Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.
He came into my home...
And took the only thing that made it a home.
- Sound familiar? - I'm sorry.
No. I'm really sorry.
But that isn't Russell.
- It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew...
Yeah. He's got anger issues. Maybe a small learning disability. A splash of diabetes.
- But nothing that can't be fixed... - If you can go back...
And stop the people that took your girl, would you?
Of course, I fucking would.
- But I wouldn't kill a kid. - I'm not asking you to kill the kid.
I'll kill the kid.
I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids.
Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage.
And I can imagine your dead girlfriend would've
wanted you to do the right thing, wouldn't she?
So what's it gonna be, handsome?
- Give me a chance to save him. - What?
You said it. Once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it.
If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance,
- to put him on a different path. - Define "chance".
I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul?
- I give you 30 seconds. - That... what? No.
Best I can do. Take it or leave it.
He's doing it. Look at the little fella.
He's doing it. Here it comes.
Jesus Christ.
Just shirt cockin'.
Here you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it.
You beautiful, hairless, twizzler-legged baby boy.
Christ.
That's disturbing.
Thirty seconds.
- Deal. - Deal.
- I have no idea what's happening. - Probably for the best.
And that, is why you never eat a raw starfish.
It's just common sense.
Where the hell are we going?
You said it yourself. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.
Can you turn off the music?
You will do no such thing.
Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent?
What the hell are you...
Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head.
I'm so sorry. It gets better.
I'm not a fucking racist, you moron.
Tell it to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me.
I'm with the old white guy on this one. Not such a waste.
So what exactly do you do in this future anyway, huh?
Some kind of soldier?
Yeah. Something like that.
I was a soldier. Special Forces.
I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies.
50 years from now, you're very dead.
Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma.
Boom!
Spoiler alert!
Planets.
Next time, Uber.
Here's a spoiler alert:
You're not a fucking hero.
You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.
Well I got news for you. My heart's in the right place.
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like.
Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.
I'm a grower. Not a shower.
- I should've finished college. - Right here!
I've made mistakes.
I wanna take it back. You trusted me,
I took that trust and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom.
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
Colossus?
I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death.
That kid needs our help.
I know you're listening. He's teamed up with the Juggernaut.
The Juggernaut! That's like my favorite Marvel character ever
but you should never meet your heroes. Because honestly, he's a bit of a dick.
And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock
and causes nothing but problems!
- Hi, Wade! - Hi, Yukio.
You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Colossus, look...
I don't deserve your friendship, or your help.
But this kid does.
And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else.
Oh, come on.
Any chance Pigeon-wings is available? That's just fine.
That's fine. No, you know what?
Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up,
and not particularly convenient.
So stay here, in Chateau des Virgin,
while we go get our fuck on.
You're doing great.
So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind?
Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even steven.
Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir.
And he's not alone.
Secure the children.
What do you say we go fuck some shit up?
"Let's fuck some shit up",
is my legal middle name.
Watch my back. I got the old man.
Amen, brother.
Time to get the chimichangas.
Thirty seconds.
I finally know why I'm here.
I was raised in this place.
But... not raised. I was tortured.
Wow. It's your cosmic reason for being here. Shall we?
This is gonna be fun!
Hey. Been meaning to ask you, what's with the,
creepy, dirty hobo-bear?
That's not dirt. That's the blood of my dead daughter.
I get gluten sensitivity.
One glass of wine would just... Yeah.
Wish we could head back in time and take all that back.
We should just cue the music.
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
Russell! You don't need to do this.
Let's talk.
Why are you dressed like the Unabomber?
- That's why. - This little fucker's too far gone.
Zip it, Thanos. We have a deal. You...
Hey!
I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass.
My modelling hands are so soft.
- You should probably head back to the car. - I think I'll head back to the car.
It works best when you pull the trigger.
Your gun's amazing.
Say it!
You are an abomination!
Now I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy.
I believe him. Every man for themselves!
Gotcha!
You okay, big guy? The sun's getting real low.
Ah, shit-fucker.
Come on, beautiful.
Say it!
You came for me.
I'm not giving up on you and you're not giving up on that boy.
Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken?
It's time to fight dirty.
- Time to see the light, Johnny. - Hey!
- Pick on someone your own size. - That's such a you thing to say.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Big CGI fight coming up.
- He's doing great. - Say it!
- Russell. - Bingo!
Great.
Bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes.
- Can I have one of those guns? - No.
That's fine.
Just gonna use this brick. Maximum effort.
Who says you can't go home again?
Say it.
Say what you say everytime you torture me.
Say it!
Blessed are the wicked who are healed! By my hand!
Blessed are the wicked, who are healed by my hand.
Carny motherfucker!
Oh my God. Did you feel that, too?
Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.
- You got 30 seconds, you butt-plug. - Now you're getting it!
I need a bus to get you all out of here.
Orphans...
Oh, geez.
It's time...
To burn for what you've done!
A child should not be burdened with such power.
Russell! Wait!
- Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet. - What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare! He's just a kid.
Tick-tock. He is one.
I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.
- I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on.
Listen to me.
That's how we do it in Mother Russia.
They say millenials are the hardest to reach.
Damn, it feels good to be a gangstah.
Go home, Wade. You're ruining everything.
- I'm getting good at this shit. - Go, go, go, go, go!
He dies tonight, Wade. You can't stop me.
He even runs like a fucking pervert.
Like an online predator who lost his laptop.
I have one bullet left in that gun.
Wait, wait, wait. Please just give me a second. I got this.
Stay back! Go home, Wade.
Let's talk! There's nothing going his way.
That piece of shit...
He deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you.
Badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
But if you kill him, he wins.
You become everything he says you are,
but worse.
You're just a kid.
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
- How do you know what I want? - Because I've been inside you.
That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes.
Which, is also off-putting. It's not a good analogy.
The point is...
There are people.
There are people in this fucking world besides him,
who will treat you right. It isn't too late. Don't do it.
I never should've left you there.
I never should have left you there.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust anybody!
- Wonderful, kid. - You can't stop me, Wade!
I got one more idea.
- It's just a really bad one, even for me. - Wade, what are you doing?
Alright, this is for all the marbles, kid.
You gonna trust someone tonight?
- Blessed are the wicked... - Then it's gotta be me.
Who are healed by my hand!
Tell me, they got that in slow-motion.
That's not good.
No, sir.
- You sacrificed yourself, for me? - Yeah.
And it was the best thing I ever did.
I told you I care about you.
You're a good kid, Russell.
Hey.
The bear. It worked.
Because of you.
No, Wade. Because of you.
Stop. Stop! Stop. Stop.
Just... Just let it happen.
Okay? I guess...
I guess my heart was finally in the right place.
That riddle is so fucked up.
I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry. - Don't be.
Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while.
Yeah. Please, just, don't leave. I don't wanna die without an audience.
- We are not going anywhere. - Oh, God.
The Academy is watching.
Papa?
Papa can you hear me?
Papa can you find me?
Before I go, sorry...
I got a bit more in me. Domino...
I want you, to have my Adventure Time watch.
Sounds like that I'm the lucky one.
Thank you.
Hey, Sabrina the teenage witch...
It has been a pleasure.
- Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade!
Yeah... And you! Chrome-bone.
I haven't always been the best friend to you, but you've always been that to me.
So thank you.
Say 'fuck' for me.
Just once. Come on. We'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. 1, 2, 3...
- Fuck. - Wow. Enjoy hell.
Swamp-mouth. And you. Cable.
You get back to your family. You tell them Wade says 'hi'.
And promise me. Promise me one thing...
That you'll start judging people not by the color of their skin
but by the content of their character.
Jesus.
Hey.
You're a superhero now, bubba.
Look...
Family,
is not an F-word, all right?
Just keep looking, okay?
Guys? For a second there...
We would've made a pretty good team.
Oh, it's so hard to go!
I just love being with all you guys so much.
So, so much.
Oh, I can feel it now. Here it comes. Yeah.
Feel the soul, exiting the husk...
Can you see it?
Do you see that beautiful bright light?
There it is.
No, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that.
I'd just like a few final words...
Woodpecker.
Gingivitis.
Codswallop.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of...
Handicappable children stuck in a tree. No.
- But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah.
- He's got a terrible name. - Just awful.
I tried to tell him.
Is this heaven?
It is now.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I missed you so much.
What is it? What's wrong?
It's not time.
What do you mean, it's not time?
I'm here. I made it.
- You can't stay. - No, no, no. I'm staying.
I'm not going anywhere without you.
It's okay.
There's a time for us. It's just not now.
- They need you. - Who?
Your F-word.
- Why? - You'll find out.
It's all right. I'll be here.
I love you.
I know.
I love you, too. Now, go.
Go on. Go, get out of here.
Go.
Hey.
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Well, come here.
Don't fuck Elvis.
Don't fuck Colossus.
What?
Time to make the chimichangas.
Thirty seconds.
Hey, been meaning to ask you. What's with the...
Creepy, dirty hobo-bear?
That's my daughter's Teddy bear.
- Her name's Hope. - Oh.
What are you doing? Somebody swiped right.
Tell me they got that in slow-motion.
- You sacrificed yourself for me? - Hey, what's here? I...
Huh.
Genuine high-grade lead.
You time-sliding son of a bitch.
You did this for me?
Wait...
You can't go back.
You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and wife?
No, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
Now I'm gonna stick around for a while.
Make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
- Aww. You did it for me. - No, I didn't.
- You did. - I didn't.
- Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't.
Fine. Alright. Let's flip a coin, okay?
Heads, did it for me, tails, you did it for me.
I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.
- Say it again. - You did it for me.
- Jesus. - We must get the collar off.
Forget it. It's no use. These collars don't just come off.
Wade... I have an idea.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's not do that, please.
I'd rather die of cancer. That's just... Oh, God.
They do say, the pen is grosser than the sword.
- We need the code. - Try, uhh...
- Seven? - Settle down, Captain Lucky.
It's not gonna be one number. God, that's lazy writing.
Still got it.
Put that back in your prison wallet.
I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.
- No. - Yes. Here we go.
Bring it in. Come on. Pelvis to pelvis.
Let's go tip-to-tip. There we go. The kids call this "docking".
- Is there a knife in my dick? - There's a knife in your dick. Yeah.
Just get back up a little. Already did a full Yentl.
Pretend like that never happened.
Let's go home, Russell.
All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy.
Your souls are beyond redemption.
- Let's see your soul, perv! - No! No, no more.
We're better than that. We're better than him.
No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed.
- We'll let karma take care of him. - The day of reckoning,
is here!
I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.
Woo! There it is, motherfuckers!
I think I'm a motherfucker.
I can hear you counting the last 30 seconds like a monkey, it was...!
I want some more.
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Good call. You guys coming with us?
No. We'll get the kids back to the mansion.
- Besides, we're X-Men. - No.
- You're X-People. - You're X-hausting.
I see what you did there. Puns.
- Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio.
What do you get when you take 8 feet of chrome,
one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck,
a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes,
and a wheelbarrow full of stage-four cancer?
Answer: a family.
See? I didn't lie on what kind of film this was.
If there's anything you take away today,
other than the need to google, "what the fuck is dubstep",
it's that we all need to belong to someone.
Subbed by: iamdepressed