1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:57,861 --> 00:01:02,061
Subtitles by explosiveskull

3
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,362
<i>Why wouldn't we
bring up the first amendment?</i>

4
00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:07,632
<i>We have to stick to the constitution.
That is what made this country.</i>

5
00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:37,064
Don't die.

6
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,568
Come on, photosynthesis.

7
00:02:24,846 --> 00:02:28,013
- That's a nice dress.
- Oh. Thank you.

8
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,084
- I like your jacket.
- Thanks.

9
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:36,121
- I hope our flight's on time.
- Oh, it is. See?

10
00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:39,992
This airline has an excellent
arrival-departure record.

11
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,894
Um, I Googled it.

12
00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:44,797
And, um, it has a 98...

13
00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:47,099
No 96,
no 98 percent approval...

14
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,567
online user
approval rating.

15
00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,071
Which is very incredibly
high, obviously.

16
00:02:52,073 --> 00:02:55,708
Um, and Rancho Cucamonga
Mary sent me three,

17
00:02:55,710 --> 00:02:59,613
who I trust implicitly,
was very effusive about it.

18
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,885
- Yeah.
- And you get a snack.

19
00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:06,517
Great.

20
00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:09,889
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- What?

21
00:03:09,891 --> 00:03:11,522
You just took
a step forward there.

22
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,926
- I didn't.
- Yeah, you did. You know you did.

23
00:03:13,928 --> 00:03:15,828
- I didn't realize.
- Oh, I see.

24
00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:17,629
I beg your pardon?

25
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:21,800
- I s-see what you did. I know what you did. It's...
- What did I do?

26
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:27,472
You came up alongside me, you know, with
your jacket and your face and charm,

27
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:31,243
and you just, you know, talked to
me for a strategic amount of time,

28
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,945
established your position,

29
00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:36,815
and then just casually, blatantly
stepped in front of me.

30
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,650
Like I had
some sort of amnesia

31
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,153
and couldn't remember 15 seconds in
the past when you were behind me.

32
00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:43,655
Untrue.

33
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,858
Oh my... You just
did it again.

34
00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:49,094
This is like watching a
master at work in his dojo.

35
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,996
- I mean...
- Here's what happened.

36
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,799
I came to my gate, hoping
my flight was on time.

37
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,868
I then attempted to start
a pleasant conversation,

38
00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:58,804
whereupon you revealed the tip of
the iceberg of your tendencies,

39
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,740
and I was forced to take a step
forward to escape the vortex.

40
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,977
Oh, my God.
Oh... Again! Oh!

41
00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:08,280
And now you're casting me as the author
of a Byzantine conspiracy theory

42
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,648
of a Machiavellian land grab

43
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:14,153
designed to usurp your position on
an aircraft that has eight seats.

44
00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:16,155
You know what? Okay.

45
00:04:16,157 --> 00:04:20,292
That's cra... If I'm wrong, just step in
back of me instead of in front of me.

46
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,694
No, because that would mean
going past you again.

47
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,697
I see. You know what?

48
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:30,069
Five years ago, I would have said
something trite like, "Chivalry is dead."

49
00:04:30,071 --> 00:04:32,171
But this is worse
than unchivalrous.

50
00:04:32,173 --> 00:04:36,041
This is... You are
part and parcel of a world

51
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:39,078
that no longer has any
idea how to behave itself.

52
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,680
In fact, I draw a straight
line between people like you

53
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:46,551
to investment bankers to
politicians to terrorists.

54
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:51,223
You basically all have the same contempt
for decency and rules and any manners.

55
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:54,860
And what's funny is there's
no way you can board first

56
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:57,229
because the only way you could board
first is if you had a special need.

57
00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:59,031
Do you have
a special need?

58
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:02,167
Yes, I need
to be over there.

59
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,748
Fucker.

60
00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:42,877
- Fantastic.
- Wonderful.

61
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,312
- Anybody want to trade seats?
- You're ridiculous.

62
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,915
Anybody?
It's great back here.

63
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:52,286
You've got
to be kidding me.

64
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:57,892
Jesus.

65
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,569
What brings you
to San Luis Obispo?

66
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:12,304
- You don't have to.
- What?

67
00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:15,974
Talk. Honestly, I'd be
happier if you didn't.

68
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,044
Fine.

69
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,298
Dear God.
Tear it at the notch.

70
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:41,666
There is no notch.

71
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,435
- Give it to me.
- I'm not giving you...

72
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,371
Give it to me.

73
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,356
This one does not appear
to have a working notch.

74
00:07:09,230 --> 00:07:10,231
Yeah.

75
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,366
Yeah.

76
00:07:20,341 --> 00:07:21,909
All that...

77
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,081
Thank you.

78
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:50,905
I'm actually
going to Paso Robles.

79
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:54,139
They call it Paso "Roables."

80
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,508
Well, the correct
pronunciation is Robles.

81
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,777
But they call it "Roables."

82
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,379
- Whatever.
- I hope it's a big place.

83
00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:02,114
It isn't.

84
00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:04,816
If I see you at a restaurant,
I'll go to another restaurant.

85
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,885
I'm not going to be
in any restaurants.

86
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:10,255
Why? Are you checking
into a mental institution?

87
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:14,929
I'm going to that most presumptuous
of all things, a destination wedding.

88
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,966
Please don't tell me
it's Keith and Anne's.

89
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,335
How many weddings
can there possibly be

90
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,537
on any given day
in Paso Robles?

91
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,439
I was praying for two.

92
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:30,108
And I was blaming Satan
for my seat assignment

93
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,811
when it was actually
just Keith's assistant.

94
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,947
And how do you know
the esteemed Keith?

95
00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,216
I was engaged to him
six years ago.

96
00:08:37,218 --> 00:08:39,985
- Oh, my God, you're Lindsay.
- Why, how do you know him?

97
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,820
He and I have
the same mother.

98
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,324
Holy shit,
you're Frank?

99
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,292
Oh, you're even worse
than he said.

100
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,961
You too.

101
00:08:58,239 --> 00:09:00,839
Oh, my God.

102
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,343
Serious...

103
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,537
- There was supposed to be a car.
- Our flight was early.

104
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,273
Really?
It seemed so long.

105
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,876
<i>Attention, passengers,
increased security measures</i>

106
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,045
<i>require all passengers
to maintain</i>

107
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:43,282
<i>close personal contact
with your bags at all times.</i>

108
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,993
So how much do you know about what
happened between me and Keith?

109
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,596
I know that he broke off your engagement
five weeks before the wedding.

110
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,197
And now I know why.

111
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,166
He said some shit
about you, boy.

112
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,368
- Like what?
- Doesn't matter.

113
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,605
Don't do that, don't dangle an injurious
tidbit and then snatch it away.

114
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,041
Or what, I'll die alone?

115
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,976
Keith is a panhandling
piece of garbage,

116
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,377
and you're better off
without him.

117
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,447
Which is saying something,
considering how bad off you are.

118
00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:18,016
Just pity the bride,
whoever she is.

119
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:21,153
- You haven't met her?
- Just like I never met you.

120
00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:23,955
I stay as far away
from Keith as I can.

121
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,426
My mother insisted I turn up for this shit show,
otherwise, I wouldn't be meeting you now.

122
00:10:27,428 --> 00:10:29,895
Isn't that nice
to think about?

123
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,097
She said it's important to show
up because if you show up,

124
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,466
the worst they can say is you're
horrendous, which is subjective.

125
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,935
But not showing up
is objective.

126
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,305
Well, you showed up.

127
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,106
Why would you come
to his wedding?

128
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,641
He broke your heart,
as I recall.

129
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,576
Shattered, yes.

130
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,244
Didn't you wind up
suing him?

131
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,413
Well, I needed to lash out.

132
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:52,017
Plus he cost my parents
$32,000 in deposits.

133
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,652
- Did you win?
- There was a settlement.

134
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,354
Did you feel better?

135
00:10:55,356 --> 00:10:58,457
Look, I came
because he invited me.

136
00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:01,259
He only invited you because he
wanted to act like a big person,

137
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,296
not because he, in any way,
wanted you to come.

138
00:11:04,298 --> 00:11:09,201
You think I wanted to come? I'm
just trying to be the big person.

139
00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:12,339
See, this only works if one of
you actually is a big person.

140
00:11:13,474 --> 00:11:16,174
Well, also, I need closure.

141
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,177
You don't have closure?
It was six years ago.

142
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,147
Do I strike you as someone
who has closure?

143
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,549
He's marrying someone else.
That's closure.

144
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:25,984
It's closed.

145
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,154
Closed is not
the same thing as closure.

146
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,235
Any chance
they sent two cars?

147
00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:13,265
So, what do you do, Frank?

148
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,601
That is, when you're not shining
your light upon the world.

149
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,037
I run marketing
for J.D. Power and Associates.

150
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,740
The "Car of the Year" people?

151
00:12:20,742 --> 00:12:22,541
No, that's a magazine.

152
00:12:22,543 --> 00:12:24,710
I bought one of your cars of the year.
It was a piece of crap.

153
00:12:24,712 --> 00:12:27,179
Again, a magazine.
Common error.

154
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,748
Is that the career
you dreamed of?

155
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:31,416
Handing out awards
by the fistful?

156
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,352
Hugely successful company,
extremely well-respected.

157
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:38,056
It's corporate brownnosing
on a national scale.

158
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,325
International.
And don't sleep on awards.

159
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,394
Our country lives
on self-congratulation.

160
00:12:42,396 --> 00:12:43,528
Let me ask you this.

161
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,397
Has there ever been a car

162
00:12:45,399 --> 00:12:48,366
that wasn't a J.D. Power
and Associates Car of the Year?

163
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,736
We don't do "Car of the
Year." That's a magazine.

164
00:12:50,738 --> 00:12:52,571
I've seen those
Lucite trophies.

165
00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:55,342
They're on every car commercial
for every car, ever.

166
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,814
What do you do anyway?

167
00:13:01,816 --> 00:13:04,817
I prosecute companies
and institutions

168
00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:07,454
for culturally insensitive
actions or speech.

169
00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:11,724
You're the politically
correct police.

170
00:13:11,726 --> 00:13:13,391
No.

171
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,594
You parse what people say and
do, and then accuse them

172
00:13:15,596 --> 00:13:19,130
of being racist or misogynist
or otherwise horrible.

173
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,266
You destroy lives
and reputations for money.

174
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,068
No.

175
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,472
Is that what you dreamed of?
A career in reverse fascism?

176
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,777
I can't remember dreaming.

177
00:15:02,904 --> 00:15:04,438
Wrong!

178
00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:09,811
I thought this was my closet.

179
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,448
Are you expecting
a response of some kind?

180
00:15:15,616 --> 00:15:17,282
No.

181
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:21,286
Uh, I see now that there
is a bolt on the door.

182
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,188
So, we should use it.

183
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,491
Yep.

184
00:16:10,504 --> 00:16:12,938
- How's your room?
- I'm just sleeping there.

185
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:14,606
How's yours?

186
00:16:14,608 --> 00:16:17,308
I'll let you know after I run
a UV light over the sheets.

187
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,911
We really shouldn't
speak anymore.

188
00:16:18,913 --> 00:16:20,612
If you think that's best.

189
00:16:20,614 --> 00:16:22,447
Do you think Keith
is trying to fix us up?

190
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,716
Even he is smarter
than that.

191
00:16:23,718 --> 00:16:26,786
I don't know.
I mean, same flight.

192
00:16:26,788 --> 00:16:28,921
Seated next to each other
on the plane.

193
00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:31,423
Adjoining rooms.
Seated next to each other here.

194
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,793
You think that's
all just coincidence?

195
00:16:33,795 --> 00:16:37,262
Keith has never had a thought
about another human being.

196
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:40,465
So we're just the people
you don't know where to stick?

197
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,567
Might as well
just stick us together.

198
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,870
I don't want to be a person
you don't know where to stick.

199
00:16:44,872 --> 00:16:47,605
That is not the life
I imagined for myself.

200
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,810
I'm sure your next life
will be better.

201
00:16:50,812 --> 00:16:54,646
Welp, here we go.

202
00:16:54,648 --> 00:16:55,715
So that's her.

203
00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,284
Yep.

204
00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,853
She is a tall glass
of hemlock.

205
00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:02,788
- She's Danish.
- Dutch, I thought.

206
00:17:02,790 --> 00:17:04,289
Danish.
From Denmark.

207
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:06,025
I know where
Danish are from.

208
00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:07,793
He looks the same
as he used to.

209
00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:09,427
Plastic people don't age.

210
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,996
Well, I was hoping he had.

211
00:17:10,998 --> 00:17:15,868
I was hoping he'd be less attractive
or on his way to obesity.

212
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,706
Is this the first time you've seen
him since the crushing ending?

213
00:17:20,074 --> 00:17:21,741
- Is it bad?
- Yep.

214
00:17:21,743 --> 00:17:23,978
- As bad as you feared?
- Yeah. Worse.

215
00:17:27,014 --> 00:17:30,983
- How can this be the way the species is set up?
- I'm sorry?

216
00:17:30,985 --> 00:17:34,086
How can we be allowed
to feel so much for people

217
00:17:34,088 --> 00:17:36,521
who don't feel
anything for us?

218
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,491
You're assuming that you're
normal, which is hilarious.

219
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,660
- It's incredibly cruel.
- Well, look at it this way.

220
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,931
For a time, you carved out a place in his life
when there really shouldn't have been one.

221
00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:47,599
That makes me a dipshit.

222
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:49,902
I agree.
I was just humoring you.

223
00:17:49,904 --> 00:17:51,704
The truth is,
from puberty on in,

224
00:17:51,706 --> 00:17:54,006
we should all just
be playing defense.

225
00:17:54,008 --> 00:17:56,510
- "On in"? On in to what?
- Death.

226
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,045
- Oh, God.
- Officer on deck.

227
00:18:00,047 --> 00:18:02,447
- So you got to know Mom.
- Plenty well enough.

228
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:03,681
So you met her twice.

229
00:18:05,853 --> 00:18:07,485
Howard.

230
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:11,123
- Oh, this fucking guy.
- Who's he with?

231
00:18:11,125 --> 00:18:12,490
His girlfriend.

232
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,126
Howard left your mother?

233
00:18:14,128 --> 00:18:17,096
"Left" is not
a strong enough word. Fled.

234
00:18:17,098 --> 00:18:19,832
- For an older woman?
- He would have left for an otter.

235
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:23,035
- Anyway, leaving is leaving.
- No, no.

236
00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:26,604
Leaving for a younger woman
is awful, it's horrible.

237
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:30,408
But leaving for an older
woman is perverse.

238
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,644
Mom would have been just
as angry about a younger one.

239
00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,980
Yeah, but she would've
been able to use her age

240
00:18:34,982 --> 00:18:37,917
to rail against
a gender-unfair society.

241
00:18:37,919 --> 00:18:40,920
I mean, leaving for a younger
woman's the least he could've done.

242
00:18:40,922 --> 00:18:42,922
My father left her
for a younger woman.

243
00:18:42,924 --> 00:18:45,557
She can think about that,
when she wants to cheer up.

244
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,961
But she and your father eventually
made peace though, didn't they?

245
00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,130
Yep. Dad jumped out
a seventh-floor window,

246
00:18:51,132 --> 00:18:53,032
and Mom considered them
all square.

247
00:18:53,034 --> 00:18:54,767
- I'm sorry?
- Don't be.

248
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:56,534
I was not a fan.

249
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:59,138
Well, you're not a fan of
many people, is my sense.

250
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:00,940
Well, this person
shot me, so...

251
00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:03,175
- He shot you?
- He did.

252
00:19:03,177 --> 00:19:06,712
He said I was the embodiment
of all his bad choices.

253
00:19:06,714 --> 00:19:09,114
- Did it hurt?
- Did it hurt?

254
00:19:09,116 --> 00:19:10,883
Is that a serious question?

255
00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:12,785
There's a metal missile
going into your body.

256
00:19:12,787 --> 00:19:14,854
Yes, it hurt.
It hurt a great deal.

257
00:19:14,856 --> 00:19:16,822
Well, what did you do?

258
00:19:16,824 --> 00:19:17,923
I ran at him.

259
00:19:17,925 --> 00:19:19,792
You ran at him?

260
00:19:19,794 --> 00:19:21,459
Why didn't you
run away from him?

261
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,628
That didn't occur to me.
I was pissed off.

262
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:26,131
He tried to shoot me again,
but he missed.

263
00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:30,435
I got the gun out of his hand, hit him in
the face with it, broke his orbital bone.

264
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,872
- What did he do?
- He cried.

265
00:19:32,874 --> 00:19:34,372
Begged me to kill him.
I wouldn't.

266
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,542
Not because I didn't want to, but because
I didn't want to fuck up my life.

267
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,012
I mean, any more
than it already was.

268
00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:41,679
Turned out I didn't
have to kill him though,

269
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,116
because that night,
he jumped.

270
00:19:44,118 --> 00:19:46,684
It's quite a family.

271
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,021
Nobody's arguing.

272
00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:53,025
You can't call a
78-year-old woman your "girlfriend."

273
00:19:53,027 --> 00:19:54,525
It's ridiculous.

274
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,928
What should I call her then?

275
00:19:55,930 --> 00:19:59,932
I don't know. An ossified,
pre-dead corpse-friend?

276
00:19:59,934 --> 00:20:02,234
Is that in the politically
correct handbook?

277
00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:04,236
I'm off the clock.

278
00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:06,138
She just needs a little
more hair and makeup.

279
00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:08,941
I think we passed
a mortician on the way in.

280
00:20:08,943 --> 00:20:10,642
Travel with her
on your arm,

281
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:13,178
you'd better know where the
funeral parlors are at all times.

282
00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:16,481
And by "On your arm,"
you mean both figuratively

283
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,051
and for actual
physical support.

284
00:20:19,053 --> 00:20:21,619
- I've never met her.
- Better hurry.

285
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,156
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.

286
00:20:24,158 --> 00:20:26,759
Or whatever the
pacemaker says it can have.

287
00:20:26,761 --> 00:20:28,559
Apparently,
they went to the same college.

288
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,729
She was a senior
when he was a freshman.

289
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,032
Well, she's a senior again.

290
00:20:34,969 --> 00:20:38,704
- Are you gonna say hello?
- Yep. Are you?

291
00:20:38,706 --> 00:20:41,040
Yep.

292
00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:42,875
Have a nice time.

293
00:21:51,879 --> 00:21:55,147
- You okay?
- Nope. You?

294
00:21:55,149 --> 00:21:57,251
I'm all fucked up
and I always will be.

295
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:03,991
You think anyone will notice
if I... go back to the hotel?

296
00:22:05,326 --> 00:22:06,293
Nope.

297
00:22:07,194 --> 00:22:08,129
Yeah.

298
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:10,697
All right.

299
00:22:30,885 --> 00:22:33,786
Psst.

300
00:22:33,788 --> 00:22:38,192
I mean, not to throw
stones, but he has a lot going on.

301
00:22:39,626 --> 00:22:41,994
I mean... I mean, I know
I have mine,

302
00:22:41,996 --> 00:22:44,363
but my father
never <i>shot</i> me.

303
00:22:44,365 --> 00:22:47,966
I don't think he ever
even touched a gun.

304
00:22:47,968 --> 00:22:52,204
I mean, there was that one time I
put those two boxes of Band-Aids

305
00:22:52,206 --> 00:22:57,142
on my doll and he,
like, barely patted me.

306
00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,878
Like, you couldn't
even call it a spanking.

307
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:05,084
It was like... He was
apologizing forever for it.

308
00:23:05,086 --> 00:23:06,320
And he still feels bad.

309
00:23:08,655 --> 00:23:11,757
I mean, seven floors.

310
00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:14,426
I wonder if there was more
floors he could of just gone up

311
00:23:14,428 --> 00:23:16,063
so he could die instantly.

312
00:23:17,098 --> 00:23:20,265
Not like...

313
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,301
Can you die... How many...

314
00:23:22,303 --> 00:23:24,371
I don't know. I guess
it depends on the building.

315
00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:27,272
Very, very...

316
00:23:27,274 --> 00:23:30,344
Just psychologically,
it's just interesting, but...

317
00:23:34,215 --> 00:23:36,081
<i>You don't think.</i>

318
00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:39,785
<i>He stole from me, from his
employer, from Katherine March.</i>

319
00:23:39,787 --> 00:23:43,090
<i>My wife... I mean
my former wife is correct.</i>

320
00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:45,692
<i>I really can paint.</i>

321
00:23:48,162 --> 00:23:50,729
<i>My copies were so bad
I had to destroy them.</i>

322
00:23:50,731 --> 00:23:52,233
<i>For God's sake, he's lying.</i>

323
00:23:54,902 --> 00:23:57,138
Because he's left-handed,
you idiot.

324
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:01,340
<i>He told me
Miss March painted them.</i>

325
00:24:01,342 --> 00:24:03,008
<i>In my expert opinion...</i>

326
00:24:15,489 --> 00:24:19,424
<i>He said he was going to fix
it when he left my place around 2:00 a.m.</i>

327
00:24:19,426 --> 00:24:22,494
<i>That's when I told him...</i>

328
00:24:22,496 --> 00:24:24,963
<i>So he
kills her with my ice pick.</i>

329
00:24:24,965 --> 00:24:27,799
<i>And I heard her say,
"'Hello, Johnnie' before she hung up."</i>

330
00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:29,334
<i>He was there all right.</i>

331
00:24:29,336 --> 00:24:30,969
<i>Well, what I don't understand</i>

332
00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:32,204
<i>is this talk
about her being an artist.</i>

333
00:24:32,206 --> 00:24:33,805
<i>I never saw her paint.</i>

334
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,841
<i>That was one
of her peculiar traits.</i>

335
00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:37,778
<i>She never let anyone
see her paint.</i>

336
00:24:58,265 --> 00:25:02,501
I would not have guessed, Frank, that you
were a man who enjoyed a foot massage.

337
00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:07,372
I'm not. When I saw the complimentary
chit in the wedding welcome basket,

338
00:25:07,374 --> 00:25:09,408
I thought, "I don't want that.

339
00:25:09,410 --> 00:25:11,476
I'm not comfortable with other
people touching my feet.

340
00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:13,879
I don't see why
it's necessary or good."

341
00:25:13,881 --> 00:25:15,914
Then why are you here?

342
00:25:15,916 --> 00:25:18,350
Because it's a $30 value,
and throwing it away

343
00:25:18,352 --> 00:25:20,419
would have bothered me
even more than this does.

344
00:25:20,421 --> 00:25:21,820
So, you're cheap.

345
00:25:21,822 --> 00:25:23,288
Oh, I'm way worse
than cheap,

346
00:25:23,290 --> 00:25:25,824
especially when it comes to free shit...
I hoard free shit.

347
00:25:25,826 --> 00:25:27,359
Especially
the gray-area free shit,

348
00:25:27,361 --> 00:25:30,495
like the nail files and disposable
slippers in the hotel room.

349
00:25:30,497 --> 00:25:32,164
"Gray area."

350
00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:34,166
I tell myself that they
want me to take it,

351
00:25:34,168 --> 00:25:35,867
that I'm intended
to take it.

352
00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:37,269
Do you take
the shoehorns?

353
00:25:37,271 --> 00:25:39,071
Not the long ones,
only the short ones.

354
00:25:39,073 --> 00:25:42,407
Well, that's not a gray area,
that's theft. You're a thief.

355
00:25:42,409 --> 00:25:45,877
Do you take the shampoo,
conditioner, and body wash?

356
00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:48,213
I used to, but then one
leaked in my suitcase.

357
00:25:48,215 --> 00:25:50,882
Huh. What about the soaps?

358
00:25:50,884 --> 00:25:52,484
Not the round soaps
wrapped in paper.

359
00:25:52,486 --> 00:25:55,220
But the bigger ones,
in the boxes? Yes, I do.

360
00:25:55,222 --> 00:25:59,191
So, you're a minor person
with grubby hands.

361
00:25:59,193 --> 00:26:02,127
I don't understand how, even after
Keith did what he did to you,

362
00:26:02,129 --> 00:26:04,396
and even in the midst
of the shame of being here,

363
00:26:04,398 --> 00:26:06,898
you can possibly still
be mooning over him.

364
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,400
That's because
you're a monkey

365
00:26:08,402 --> 00:26:10,902
who doesn't understand
the human condition.

366
00:26:10,904 --> 00:26:12,838
Having met you, I understand
why it's a condition.

367
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,239
You don't stop
loving a person

368
00:26:14,241 --> 00:26:16,475
just because
they injure you.

369
00:26:16,477 --> 00:26:17,909
It helps.

370
00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:20,545
- Well, love is not rational.
- Clearly.

371
00:26:20,547 --> 00:26:22,381
But how could you
even like Keith?

372
00:26:22,383 --> 00:26:25,117
- I never said I liked him.
- Then how can you love him?

373
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,119
Love has nothing
to do with like.

374
00:26:27,121 --> 00:26:30,455
- Healthy people would disagree.
- Healthy people are sick.

375
00:26:30,457 --> 00:26:33,925
Isn't there a part of you that just
wants to wish him well and move on?

376
00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:37,562
Mmm... Most of me wants him
to be found in an icy river.

377
00:26:37,564 --> 00:26:40,932
It makes no sense to want the
person you love to be dead.

378
00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:43,268
Because then you'd have no one
left to love except yourself.

379
00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:45,539
Which, in your case,
would be unrequited.

380
00:26:47,074 --> 00:26:50,609
- I really don't want him dead.
- Good.

381
00:26:50,611 --> 00:26:53,879
I want him to have a long life, during
which he is miserable every single day

382
00:26:53,881 --> 00:26:56,348
before slowly
dying of regret.

383
00:26:56,350 --> 00:26:59,251
There are seven billion people
in the world.

384
00:26:59,253 --> 00:27:01,353
So when one of them
behaves badly toward you,

385
00:27:01,355 --> 00:27:04,289
he's actually doing you a great
favor because he's saving you time.

386
00:27:04,291 --> 00:27:06,658
He's telling you that
he's not worth your while.

387
00:27:06,660 --> 00:27:09,127
He's freeing you to say,
"Thank you for the information.

388
00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:16,601
I will now move on to
the 6,999,999,999 other people,

389
00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:19,438
some of whom
may have some value."

390
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,173
And is that what
you've done, Frank?

391
00:27:21,175 --> 00:27:23,508
Just sifted,
calmly and sensibly,

392
00:27:23,510 --> 00:27:26,978
through the entire population,
searching for your soul mate?

393
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:30,115
No, I have opted out, which
makes me uniquely qualified

394
00:27:30,117 --> 00:27:32,017
to observe and comment
on your situation.

395
00:27:32,019 --> 00:27:33,487
Oh, I am so lucky.

396
00:27:35,055 --> 00:27:37,389
- It was a long time ago.
- Not an eternity.

397
00:27:37,391 --> 00:27:41,526
- You were both very young.
- Old enough to know right from wrong.

398
00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:43,929
Incidentally, I spoke
to the bride last night.

399
00:27:43,931 --> 00:27:47,032
Oh, she does not have the
sense God gave a toaster.

400
00:27:47,034 --> 00:27:50,302
She's a moron, and her breasts
were built on a medical bench.

401
00:27:50,304 --> 00:27:53,706
But she said to tell you that
she hopes you can be friends.

402
00:27:53,708 --> 00:27:55,374
You talked about me?

403
00:27:55,376 --> 00:27:57,042
She didn't give you
a lot of airtime.

404
00:27:57,044 --> 00:27:59,177
She has trouble
stringing sentences together.

405
00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:01,113
And she uses a lot
of personal pronouns,

406
00:28:01,115 --> 00:28:03,315
so you're not always quite sure
who she's talking about.

407
00:28:03,317 --> 00:28:05,183
Well done, Keith.

408
00:28:05,185 --> 00:28:09,221
But if it helps, she said
she's not threatened by you.

409
00:28:09,223 --> 00:28:12,190
Yes, that helps
tremendously.

410
00:28:12,192 --> 00:28:13,692
At least I think
she was talking about you.

411
00:28:15,262 --> 00:28:19,331
She said "her." I'm pretty
sure she meant you.

412
00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:23,168
- Wow. What do you care anyway?
- I don't.

413
00:28:23,170 --> 00:28:26,138
I'm just trying to amuse myself
and get to tomorrow.

414
00:28:26,140 --> 00:28:28,509
Do you care
about anything?

415
00:28:30,277 --> 00:28:32,513
How many times in your life
have you been in love?

416
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,447
Once.

417
00:28:35,449 --> 00:28:36,984
What was it like?

418
00:28:54,368 --> 00:28:57,402
How does anybody drink wine
at 11:00 in the morning?

419
00:28:57,404 --> 00:28:59,137
It's a winery, Frank.

420
00:28:59,139 --> 00:29:02,140
Haven't you ever given out a Car
of the Year award at 11:00?

421
00:29:02,142 --> 00:29:03,544
I can still taste toothpaste.

422
00:29:06,346 --> 00:29:09,281
- You were absolutely right.
- What did you say?

423
00:29:09,283 --> 00:29:12,150
A destination wedding
is presumptuous.

424
00:29:12,152 --> 00:29:14,386
"Please drag your carcass
hundreds of miles

425
00:29:14,388 --> 00:29:16,621
to excessively celebrate
our happiness."

426
00:29:16,623 --> 00:29:19,191
Yeah. "Because our
wedding is so special,

427
00:29:19,193 --> 00:29:21,460
it needs to be
an epic imposition."

428
00:29:21,462 --> 00:29:25,096
"It's far too important to celebrate
in anybody's shit-ass hometown."

429
00:29:25,098 --> 00:29:29,100
"Or on one calendar day. So kindly
give up your entire weekend."

430
00:29:29,102 --> 00:29:32,137
"And spend a fuck-ton of your own
money, over and above the gift."

431
00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:34,239
I bet you loved
the minibar prices.

432
00:29:34,241 --> 00:29:35,576
It's like 80 cents
per cashew.

433
00:29:37,712 --> 00:29:39,411
What's hilarious
is that these two

434
00:29:39,413 --> 00:29:42,080
have no idea they're
in a fool's paradise.

435
00:29:42,082 --> 00:29:44,149
You really think that?

436
00:29:44,151 --> 00:29:47,319
I've spent most of my life dodging the
shrapnel from my mother's marriages,

437
00:29:47,321 --> 00:29:50,756
both of which started
with smiles as big as theirs.

438
00:29:50,758 --> 00:29:52,691
Some marriages work out.

439
00:29:52,693 --> 00:29:55,193
Yes, and some people
have six fingers.

440
00:29:55,195 --> 00:29:57,195
So I'm guessing
you're single.

441
00:29:57,197 --> 00:29:59,331
I decided to learn
from my parents' mistakes.

442
00:29:59,333 --> 00:30:01,600
It's a form
of evolution.

443
00:30:01,602 --> 00:30:05,337
Yeah, but you can't blame people for
believing their own lives will be different.

444
00:30:05,339 --> 00:30:09,107
Yes, I can.
It's incredibly egotistical.

445
00:30:09,109 --> 00:30:12,577
It might help you to consider the
idea that heartbreak is pointless,

446
00:30:12,579 --> 00:30:14,279
because if you had
wound up with the person,

447
00:30:14,281 --> 00:30:17,115
eventually, you would've
been miserable anyway.

448
00:30:17,117 --> 00:30:19,184
Actually that does help,
thank you.

449
00:30:19,186 --> 00:30:21,754
No problem.

450
00:30:21,756 --> 00:30:24,656
But don't you believe there's
someone for everyone?

451
00:30:24,658 --> 00:30:26,124
Close.

452
00:30:26,126 --> 00:30:28,629
I believe that there's
nobody for anyone.

453
00:30:45,813 --> 00:30:49,281
I wish your mother and Howard's
corpse-friend were playing.

454
00:30:49,283 --> 00:30:53,118
They could try and dislodge
each other's tunnel catheters.

455
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,120
Have you talked
to the corpse-friend?

456
00:30:55,122 --> 00:30:58,824
Briefly. She's dull, and she
needs a week at depilatory camp.

457
00:30:58,826 --> 00:31:02,160
- Maybe she's rich.
- I sure hope so.

458
00:31:02,162 --> 00:31:03,263
Get her!

459
00:31:05,332 --> 00:31:07,299
Do you ever think
it's a crutch though,

460
00:31:07,301 --> 00:31:09,568
blaming your mother and
father for everything?

461
00:31:09,570 --> 00:31:11,336
When did crutches
get a bad name?

462
00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:12,905
When you have a broken leg,
you need a crutch.

463
00:31:12,907 --> 00:31:15,440
In fact, it would be stupid
not to have a crutch.

464
00:31:15,442 --> 00:31:17,743
Well, yeah,
but broken legs heal.

465
00:31:17,745 --> 00:31:20,145
I mean don't you have
a responsibility to yourself

466
00:31:20,147 --> 00:31:24,182
to eventually cast aside the
crutches and meet new challenges?

467
00:31:24,184 --> 00:31:26,451
If the parent-child bond
is diseased,

468
00:31:26,453 --> 00:31:30,622
you have a better chance of being a
sociopath than of being well-adjusted.

469
00:31:30,624 --> 00:31:32,624
I consider it a triumph
of the will

470
00:31:32,626 --> 00:31:36,194
that there aren't shallow graves
dotting my backyard.

471
00:31:36,196 --> 00:31:39,564
Besides, who are you to talk?

472
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:43,903
Simple heartbreak like yours should be,
relatively speaking, a piece of cake to get over.

473
00:31:43,905 --> 00:31:45,838
Well, it's not.

474
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,507
I'd rather be strong and ruined
than weak and ruined.

475
00:31:49,509 --> 00:31:52,444
I'm not weak.
I just have hope.

476
00:31:52,446 --> 00:31:54,379
That's the same thing.

477
00:32:10,430 --> 00:32:14,399
How do you not install steps
or a pathway for this shit?

478
00:32:14,401 --> 00:32:16,568
They warned us. It was
in the Welcome Basket.

479
00:32:16,570 --> 00:32:18,570
This is a fucking
liability nightmare.

480
00:32:18,572 --> 00:32:20,840
That's right,
sue Keith again.

481
00:32:20,842 --> 00:32:22,908
Can't we just get the van
to drive us up?

482
00:32:22,910 --> 00:32:25,543
- We're going 90 feet.
- Well, the heels won't make it.

483
00:32:25,545 --> 00:32:27,545
Then take them off
until we get there.

484
00:32:27,547 --> 00:32:29,915
- I just got a foot massage.
- So?

485
00:32:29,917 --> 00:32:33,351
I'm not gonna show up at my
ex-fiancé's wedding with dirty feet.

486
00:32:33,353 --> 00:32:35,855
You can clean them off
at the grape wash.

487
00:32:35,857 --> 00:32:38,690
- Can't you just carry me, please?
- What?

488
00:32:38,692 --> 00:32:41,827
- I can't believe I have to ask.
- What?

489
00:32:41,829 --> 00:32:44,362
- It's 90 feet.
- How much do you weigh?

490
00:32:44,364 --> 00:32:46,598
- Frank.
- I don't want to shed my mortal coil.

491
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,770
Well, if that happens,
you can put me down.

492
00:33:00,414 --> 00:33:02,614
You have a high,
specific gravity.

493
00:33:02,616 --> 00:33:04,416
Yeah, dense bones.

494
00:33:04,418 --> 00:33:06,584
Really deceptive avoirdupois.

495
00:33:06,586 --> 00:33:09,320
This is the slowest
I've ever been carried.

496
00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:10,890
Oh, dear God, be quiet.

497
00:33:10,892 --> 00:33:12,624
Can you just let me off
at the top though,

498
00:33:12,626 --> 00:33:14,659
so no one sees
that you carried me?

499
00:33:14,661 --> 00:33:18,496
Why? Maybe Keith will get
jealous and rethink everything.

500
00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:20,632
Keith has
forgotten I'm here.

501
00:33:26,007 --> 00:33:26,941
Fuck me.

502
00:33:34,816 --> 00:33:37,983
It's 800 degrees.

503
00:33:37,985 --> 00:33:40,385
Why is the minister
in a seersucker suit?

504
00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:41,586
Because he's not a minister.

505
00:33:41,588 --> 00:33:42,955
He's Keith's friend
from college.

506
00:33:42,957 --> 00:33:44,824
Levy, I think his name is.

507
00:33:44,826 --> 00:33:46,926
- Kaplan?
- Kaplan, right.

508
00:33:46,928 --> 00:33:49,294
- Is he wearing makeup?
- Always.

509
00:33:49,296 --> 00:33:51,596
Usually
the Nars Radiant Creamy.

510
00:33:51,598 --> 00:33:53,465
If memory serves,
he's gay.

511
00:33:53,467 --> 00:33:57,669
The correct term is "Effeminate
American." And actually he's pansexual.

512
00:33:57,671 --> 00:33:59,071
What does that mean?

513
00:33:59,073 --> 00:34:01,006
He's attracted
to all genders,

514
00:34:01,008 --> 00:34:03,809
gender identities,
and sexual orientations.

515
00:34:03,811 --> 00:34:05,845
- Come on.
- I'm telling you.

516
00:34:05,847 --> 00:34:07,645
How'd he get the gig?

517
00:34:07,647 --> 00:34:09,380
He fucked the bride
and the groom.

518
00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:11,984
- Which was, like, no big deal.
- Vanilla.

519
00:34:11,986 --> 00:34:14,519
I mean, because he would fuck, for
example, a man who believes he's a woman?

520
00:34:14,521 --> 00:34:16,055
Absolutely.

521
00:34:16,057 --> 00:34:18,924
Or a straight woman who believes
she's actually a gay man?

522
00:34:18,926 --> 00:34:21,026
- Not a day goes by.
- What about hermaphrodites?

523
00:34:21,028 --> 00:34:22,594
You'd have to think.

524
00:34:22,596 --> 00:34:24,797
They just let anyone
officiate at weddings?

525
00:34:24,799 --> 00:34:28,566
Not anyone. You need a credit
card and an Internet connection.

526
00:34:28,568 --> 00:34:31,904
- You researched this?
- Oh, I researched everything.

527
00:34:31,906 --> 00:34:33,873
I knew where
we would buy a house,

528
00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:36,876
where our kids would be born,
where they'd go to school.

529
00:34:36,878 --> 00:34:38,612
I knew where we'd be buried.

530
00:34:41,749 --> 00:34:44,784
Do you become a clergyman in
an online church of some sort?

531
00:34:44,786 --> 00:34:46,919
No, you can
just do weddings.

532
00:34:46,921 --> 00:34:49,021
- Not baptisms?
- No.

533
00:34:49,023 --> 00:34:52,057
- Funerals? Bar Mitzvahs?
- Just weddings.

534
00:34:52,059 --> 00:34:55,828
- How many believers does he have?
- No believers. No congregation.

535
00:34:55,830 --> 00:34:58,998
- Does his church preach that there's a heaven?
- Ain't got no church.

536
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,701
Why would anyone have my
mother as the maid of honor?

537
00:35:02,703 --> 00:35:06,604
I don't know. It's like having
the Grim Reaper at your CAT scan.

538
00:35:06,606 --> 00:35:10,508
If I had a nickel for every time she
said to me, "I am not your maid."

539
00:35:10,510 --> 00:35:14,146
- Was she born during the Great Depression?
- No, she caused it.

540
00:35:14,148 --> 00:35:16,581
- You know who I feel sorry for?
- Yourself?

541
00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:18,083
Anne's father.

542
00:35:18,085 --> 00:35:20,618
Why? He's the only one here
who wasn't married to my mother.

543
00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:25,825
Because once upon a time, he was the Most
Important Male Person In Anne's Life,

544
00:35:25,827 --> 00:35:28,794
the "M.P.I.A.L." if you will.

545
00:35:28,796 --> 00:35:31,096
I will, but only
if I have to.

546
00:35:31,098 --> 00:35:34,532
It's dangerous for a father
to pass that mantle.

547
00:35:34,534 --> 00:35:37,903
Just because he's Danish doesn't mean
he was fucking his own daughter.

548
00:35:37,905 --> 00:35:41,173
In a very real sense,
by virtue of cultivating

549
00:35:41,175 --> 00:35:45,577
a healthy, loving relationship with
her, showing her, day after day,

550
00:35:45,579 --> 00:35:48,080
year after year, how a good
man should comport himself,

551
00:35:48,082 --> 00:35:50,816
he's been preparing
her whole life for marriage.

552
00:35:50,818 --> 00:35:53,418
- To Keith.
- Exactly.

553
00:35:53,420 --> 00:35:55,721
That's the lamb to
the slaughter right there.

554
00:35:55,723 --> 00:35:59,191
She and her dad have been leading with
their chins, cruising for a bruising.

555
00:35:59,193 --> 00:36:01,426
Asking for it.
It's a total sucker play.

556
00:36:01,428 --> 00:36:02,928
Or so you've heard.

557
00:36:02,930 --> 00:36:05,130
There's a sucker that reaches
age of consent every minute.

558
00:36:05,132 --> 00:36:08,533
When Keith turns out to be
the mythic jerk that he is,

559
00:36:08,535 --> 00:36:12,104
all of her carefully curated
self-esteem will be destroyed,

560
00:36:12,106 --> 00:36:15,542
a father will have lost a
daughter, and where will she be?

561
00:36:16,610 --> 00:36:18,476
Right here
with the rest of us.

562
00:36:40,968 --> 00:36:42,669
I used to love this song.

563
00:36:44,005 --> 00:36:46,138
Do you want to dance?

564
00:36:46,140 --> 00:36:47,875
- I said "used to."
- Fine.

565
00:36:49,977 --> 00:36:52,577
- Why, do you want to dance?
- Of course not, I hate dancing.

566
00:36:52,579 --> 00:36:54,980
It's moronic and a
complete waste of time.

567
00:36:54,982 --> 00:36:57,783
You're not that busy.

568
00:36:57,785 --> 00:37:01,120
I just thought maybe you wanted to
dance to get your mind off things.

569
00:37:01,122 --> 00:37:03,255
I don't and it wouldn't.

570
00:37:03,257 --> 00:37:06,792
Fine. I said fine.

571
00:37:06,794 --> 00:37:08,763
Neither of us wants
to fucking dance.

572
00:37:13,167 --> 00:37:16,636
I can't help but hope
Keith tears a hip muscle.

573
00:37:26,047 --> 00:37:27,915
Can we take a walk?

574
00:37:54,775 --> 00:37:56,976
- How are the shoes?
- They're fine.

575
00:37:56,978 --> 00:37:59,244
I didn't really want to go through
the whole entire selection,

576
00:37:59,246 --> 00:38:02,781
but I have weird arches
on my mom's side.

577
00:38:02,783 --> 00:38:04,783
- So they're good.
- Yeah.

578
00:38:04,785 --> 00:38:06,318
Okay.

579
00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,754
You know after
the whole thing with Keith,

580
00:38:08,756 --> 00:38:12,725
- I was diagnosed with PTSD.
- Rich person's PTSD.

581
00:38:12,727 --> 00:38:15,693
- Privileged person's PTSD.
- Okay, I do know what you're saying.

582
00:38:15,695 --> 00:38:17,595
This is why people
hate the top one percent.

583
00:38:17,597 --> 00:38:20,332
- I am not the top one percent.
- Neither am I.

584
00:38:20,334 --> 00:38:23,702
When people talk about the top
one percent like it's home,

585
00:38:23,704 --> 00:38:25,170
it drives me fucking crazy.

586
00:38:25,172 --> 00:38:26,939
You know who's actually
in the top one percent

587
00:38:26,941 --> 00:38:28,841
are the assholes
that run the companies

588
00:38:28,843 --> 00:38:31,076
that I prosecute
and you reward.

589
00:38:31,078 --> 00:38:33,946
Top ten, top 20 percent,
whatever it is.

590
00:38:33,948 --> 00:38:36,115
The segment of society
that doesn't have to worry

591
00:38:36,117 --> 00:38:39,218
about basic things like food,
clothing, shelter, transportation,

592
00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:40,953
or getting shot
by the police.

593
00:38:40,955 --> 00:38:42,620
So we're not allowed
to have problems?

594
00:38:42,622 --> 00:38:44,790
We're allowed to have them, but
no one is interested in them.

595
00:38:44,792 --> 00:38:47,226
And I don't blame them,
I'm not even interested.

596
00:38:47,228 --> 00:38:50,262
We're trite, trivial,
tiresome, tone-deaf narcissists.

597
00:38:50,264 --> 00:38:52,931
I never said I wasn't
a tone-deaf narcissist.

598
00:38:52,933 --> 00:38:54,867
- The optics are very bad.
- Nobody's looking.

599
00:38:54,869 --> 00:38:56,201
We should keep our shit
to ourselves.

600
00:38:56,203 --> 00:38:58,337
We are keeping it
to ourselves.

601
00:38:58,339 --> 00:39:02,607
Besides, it's human nature to find pain in
any situation, however relatively fortunate.

602
00:39:02,609 --> 00:39:04,743
That doesn't
make it listenable.

603
00:39:04,745 --> 00:39:08,313
Well, I'm sorry if my brand of pain
is out of vogue, but it's all I got.

604
00:39:08,315 --> 00:39:10,883
It would be so much more
interesting and fantastic

605
00:39:10,885 --> 00:39:13,152
if we had been
fondled by priests

606
00:39:13,154 --> 00:39:16,088
or lost a leg but could
still feel it or something.

607
00:39:17,858 --> 00:39:21,659
My theory about
myself is that my soma

608
00:39:21,661 --> 00:39:25,798
is sending me a Darwinian
message telling me,

609
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:29,068
"Hey, you're unfit to pass your
DNA on to future generations,

610
00:39:29,070 --> 00:39:31,103
so you should just select out."

611
00:39:31,105 --> 00:39:33,872
Well, just keep doing
what you're doing.

612
00:39:33,874 --> 00:39:36,275
But I have
so much to give.

613
00:39:36,277 --> 00:39:37,912
Not really.

614
00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:41,947
Holy shit, Frank.
What is that?

615
00:39:41,949 --> 00:39:43,681
I think it's a mountain lion.

616
00:39:43,683 --> 00:39:46,952
- Could it be a jaguar?
- I don't know. I'm not a zookeeper.

617
00:39:46,954 --> 00:39:48,987
It's too big for an
ocelot or a bearcat,

618
00:39:48,989 --> 00:39:50,989
but too small
for a panther, I think.

619
00:39:50,991 --> 00:39:53,392
What the fuck difference does it make
what it is? It's a fucking predator cat.

620
00:39:53,394 --> 00:39:54,960
A cougar, maybe?

621
00:39:54,962 --> 00:39:57,062
- Jesus Christ.
- I don't know what you're worried about.

622
00:39:57,064 --> 00:39:58,764
- It's gonna go for me.
- Why?

623
00:39:58,766 --> 00:40:00,999
I saw a thing. They pick out
the smallest of the herd.

624
00:40:01,001 --> 00:40:02,334
We're not a herd,
we're wedding guests.

625
00:40:02,336 --> 00:40:04,369
I'm telling you,
you're safe if you just run.

626
00:40:04,371 --> 00:40:05,838
You run.
I'll stay here and fight.

627
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:07,306
Uh, yeah,
but I'm not a sprinter.

628
00:40:07,308 --> 00:40:10,075
I run for distance, so it
gives me a certain clarity...

629
00:40:10,077 --> 00:40:11,710
Yes, all right.

630
00:40:11,712 --> 00:40:13,045
You run.
I'll stay here and fight.

631
00:40:13,047 --> 00:40:15,280
How about if we both run
and nobody stays and fights?

632
00:40:15,282 --> 00:40:16,982
Neither one of us
can outrun a cheetah.

633
00:40:16,984 --> 00:40:18,784
It's not a fucking cheetah.
We're not in Africa.

634
00:40:18,786 --> 00:40:20,953
They're also in Iran,
I think it said.

635
00:40:20,955 --> 00:40:22,421
They won't even
hear us scream.

636
00:40:22,423 --> 00:40:24,223
I hate those
fucking people.

637
00:40:24,225 --> 00:40:26,825
On the plus side, you'll be ruining Keith's wedding.

638
00:40:26,827 --> 00:40:29,361
- That's true.
- Unless they don't find us for weeks.

639
00:40:29,363 --> 00:40:32,197
And then only in pieces, some of
which were brought back to its lair.

640
00:40:33,834 --> 00:40:35,467
Last chance on the running.

641
00:40:35,469 --> 00:40:38,437
I can't believe you're the last human
person I'm ever gonna talk to.

642
00:40:38,439 --> 00:40:40,005
There might be EMTs.

643
00:40:40,007 --> 00:40:42,808
Yeah, but I might
be a hemophiliac.

644
00:40:42,810 --> 00:40:44,810
Might be?
Don't you know that already?

645
00:40:44,812 --> 00:40:48,780
Well, no, because you can get things
as an adult, like adult onset asthma.

646
00:40:48,782 --> 00:40:51,085
My friend Suzanne has that...

647
00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:09,468
- Now we run!
- Oh!

648
00:41:09,470 --> 00:41:11,870
- That was good, Frank.
- My throat is really raw.

649
00:41:11,872 --> 00:41:13,272
But why are
we still running?

650
00:41:13,274 --> 00:41:14,640
Because I don't
think it's a bad idea

651
00:41:14,642 --> 00:41:17,476
to put as much distance between us
and the mountain lion as possible.

652
00:41:17,478 --> 00:41:18,977
It might've
been a lynx!

653
00:41:18,979 --> 00:41:20,279
It would be so
ironic if I strangled you.

654
00:41:20,281 --> 00:41:22,514
Why do you have to ruin
a nice moment!

655
00:41:22,516 --> 00:41:26,118
- Ow!
- Ah, fuck! Ah, fuck!

656
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:29,188
- Ow! Ow!
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

657
00:41:29,190 --> 00:41:30,457
Ah!

658
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,694
Okay. Oh.

659
00:41:37,531 --> 00:41:39,800
For the record,
you ruined the moment, not me.

660
00:41:43,204 --> 00:41:44,772
Lindsay?

661
00:41:46,106 --> 00:41:47,441
Lindsay?

662
00:41:49,810 --> 00:41:53,779
I'm fine!
For God's sake. Jesus.

663
00:41:53,781 --> 00:41:57,182
- Great.
- I just had the wind knocked out of me.

664
00:41:57,184 --> 00:41:59,084
Okay, good.

665
00:41:59,086 --> 00:42:02,421
It was good, because you didn't have
the first clue what you were doing.

666
00:42:02,423 --> 00:42:05,257
Hey, it's been a while
since health class.

667
00:42:05,259 --> 00:42:08,160
Yeah, well, if you thought
I had a cervical injury,

668
00:42:08,162 --> 00:42:10,462
the last thing you're supposed
to do is flip a person over

669
00:42:10,464 --> 00:42:12,397
like a fuckin' pancake.

670
00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:17,069
- I'm sorry.
- But on the other hand, you did save me.

671
00:42:17,071 --> 00:42:18,270
Us.

672
00:42:18,272 --> 00:42:21,006
I told you,
it would have gone for me.

673
00:42:21,008 --> 00:42:23,809
Why did you do that?
Why did you save me?

674
00:42:23,811 --> 00:42:24,511
I didn't save you.

675
00:42:25,913 --> 00:42:27,446
Why did you save me?

676
00:42:27,448 --> 00:42:28,981
Because I'm an idiot.

677
00:42:28,983 --> 00:42:32,384
- You could've died.
- Of idiocy.

678
00:42:32,386 --> 00:42:34,355
Don't tell me
you're secretly noble.

679
00:42:35,322 --> 00:42:36,521
I'm not.

680
00:42:36,523 --> 00:42:37,889
But I thought,
"Maybe she's right.

681
00:42:37,891 --> 00:42:39,258
Maybe hers
is the life in danger.

682
00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:41,960
She seems to know
fuckin' everything."

683
00:42:41,962 --> 00:42:45,430
And I didn't want to feel guilty for the
rest of my life about not having saved you.

684
00:42:45,432 --> 00:42:47,065
I get that.

685
00:42:47,067 --> 00:42:50,836
- I didn't want to think of myself as selfish.
- Frank.

686
00:42:50,838 --> 00:42:54,940
As <i>that</i> selfish. Not on top of everything
else I already think about myself.

687
00:42:54,942 --> 00:42:57,242
Copy you.

688
00:42:57,244 --> 00:42:59,845
'Cause it's not like
I have so much to live for.

689
00:42:59,847 --> 00:43:02,016
Yeah, well,
that's true.

690
00:43:03,350 --> 00:43:04,852
Well, anyway, thank you.

691
00:43:11,992 --> 00:43:13,592
What the fuck, Frank?

692
00:43:13,594 --> 00:43:15,227
I'm sorry.
I don't know what that was.

693
00:43:15,229 --> 00:43:17,498
Neither do I,
for fuck's sake. Jesus.

694
00:43:21,368 --> 00:43:23,468
- Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry.

695
00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:26,040
- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

696
00:43:31,645 --> 00:43:33,245
What the fuck?

697
00:43:33,247 --> 00:43:34,548
Let's just...
Come on.

698
00:43:37,284 --> 00:43:38,252
Mmm.

699
00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:43,424
Can't... Just put it on...

700
00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:48,093
I'm sorry.

701
00:43:48,095 --> 00:43:51,430
I'm sorry,
it's just very difficult

702
00:43:51,432 --> 00:43:54,333
for me to give myself over to
any sort of positive activity.

703
00:43:54,335 --> 00:43:57,602
Yeah.
Especially this one.

704
00:43:57,604 --> 00:43:59,638
It makes me think about how
long I've gone without it,

705
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:01,606
which makes me
want to kill myself.

706
00:44:01,608 --> 00:44:04,976
Yeah, well, I've been pretty
sure for a very long time

707
00:44:04,978 --> 00:44:07,446
that life is essentially
a horrible experience,

708
00:44:07,448 --> 00:44:09,414
and I really don't need
this kind of confusion.

709
00:44:09,416 --> 00:44:11,216
- And pressure.
- Yeah.

710
00:44:11,218 --> 00:44:12,384
I mean, if it all sucks,
then fuck it,

711
00:44:12,386 --> 00:44:15,420
but if it doesn't all suck,
then there's so much pressure.

712
00:44:15,422 --> 00:44:17,122
Yeah.

713
00:44:17,124 --> 00:44:19,491
God, do you even know
how long it's been

714
00:44:19,493 --> 00:44:23,161
since I've been touched with
affection by another human being?

715
00:44:23,163 --> 00:44:25,330
How about without affection?

716
00:44:25,332 --> 00:44:27,199
Nearly as long.

717
00:44:27,201 --> 00:44:31,136
I tell you right now, I haven't
felt pleasure since about 2006.

718
00:44:31,138 --> 00:44:33,538
Sometimes, I feel
the absence of pain,

719
00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:36,007
which at this point
feels like pleasure,

720
00:44:36,009 --> 00:44:38,479
or at least pleasure's
little cousin.

721
00:44:39,413 --> 00:44:41,046
I don't have protection.

722
00:44:41,048 --> 00:44:42,180
Well, why would you?

723
00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:44,549
I mean, why would you
have a condom today?

724
00:44:44,551 --> 00:44:47,119
What are the odds?
Astronomical.

725
00:44:47,121 --> 00:44:50,255
- What if you got pregnant?
- I'm sure my womb is hostile.

726
00:44:50,257 --> 00:44:52,991
Having sex right now
would be irresponsible.

727
00:44:52,993 --> 00:44:54,659
Well, who cares?

728
00:44:54,661 --> 00:44:56,997
I mean, how much worse
can things get?

729
00:44:58,465 --> 00:45:00,399
- Okay.
- Yeah?

730
00:45:00,401 --> 00:45:01,502
Okay.

731
00:45:13,447 --> 00:45:15,080
Okay.

732
00:45:15,082 --> 00:45:18,150
Okay.

733
00:45:18,152 --> 00:45:19,719
Okay.

734
00:45:19,721 --> 00:45:22,087
All right.

735
00:45:23,457 --> 00:45:26,360
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

736
00:45:35,636 --> 00:45:36,570
Okay.

737
00:45:40,174 --> 00:45:41,239
How's that?

738
00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,607
That's fine.

739
00:45:45,045 --> 00:45:48,046
Do you think the mountain lion
will be attracted to the musk?

740
00:45:48,048 --> 00:45:50,015
I think it was a puma.

741
00:45:51,118 --> 00:45:52,517
How is it now?

742
00:45:52,519 --> 00:45:56,288
It feels strange
yet pleasantly familiar,

743
00:45:56,290 --> 00:45:59,727
kind of like coming off a long
diet or going back to smoking.

744
00:46:01,662 --> 00:46:03,462
How about now?

745
00:46:03,464 --> 00:46:05,297
Do you have
any diseases?

746
00:46:05,299 --> 00:46:06,631
Of course not.

747
00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:08,633
I missed every
possible sexual revolution.

748
00:46:08,635 --> 00:46:11,269
The first one,
the one after Tinder,

749
00:46:11,271 --> 00:46:13,806
- the one after Caitlyn Jenner...
- Me, too.

750
00:46:16,778 --> 00:46:18,410
Crabs.

751
00:46:18,412 --> 00:46:20,345
You have crabs?

752
00:46:20,347 --> 00:46:21,680
No, actual crabs.

753
00:46:21,682 --> 00:46:23,248
Over there.

754
00:46:23,250 --> 00:46:25,450
Those aren't crabs,
those are tarantulas.

755
00:46:25,452 --> 00:46:26,551
They look like crabs.

756
00:46:26,553 --> 00:46:27,652
No, they don't.

757
00:46:27,654 --> 00:46:30,155
And besides,
they don't attack humans.

758
00:46:30,157 --> 00:46:31,590
Now you're just
making shit up.

759
00:46:31,592 --> 00:46:34,125
Oh, yes, for the thrill
of fucking you.

760
00:46:34,127 --> 00:46:36,394
- Let's get it over with.
- Fine.

761
00:46:40,501 --> 00:46:43,703
My mother used to tell me to always
use two condoms when you have sex.

762
00:46:43,705 --> 00:46:45,437
The second one
always had to be bigger.

763
00:46:45,439 --> 00:46:48,106
- It looked like a wind sock.
- That's so stupid.

764
00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:50,843
Each condom would cause
the other one to break.

765
00:46:50,845 --> 00:46:53,846
A fact discovered, astraddle,
in the summer after 12th grade,

766
00:46:53,848 --> 00:46:57,449
by a nice girl named Auden
who had no quarrel with anyone.

767
00:46:57,451 --> 00:46:59,351
She ran screaming
from our rec room.

768
00:46:59,353 --> 00:47:01,686
Of course, you had sex
in your rec room.

769
00:47:01,688 --> 00:47:03,723
We had a Nutone intercom system.

770
00:47:03,725 --> 00:47:06,258
The master control
was in the kitchen.

771
00:47:06,260 --> 00:47:09,327
My parents could listen and talk to
any room in the house from there.

772
00:47:09,329 --> 00:47:12,297
I used to call the kitchen "The Eagle's Nest."

773
00:47:12,299 --> 00:47:13,733
When my father heard
Auden wailing,

774
00:47:13,735 --> 00:47:16,134
he screamed
through the intercom,

775
00:47:16,136 --> 00:47:18,336
"What the fuck
is going on down there?"

776
00:47:18,338 --> 00:47:19,371
I said what happened.

777
00:47:19,373 --> 00:47:20,873
There was a pause,

778
00:47:20,875 --> 00:47:23,575
and then my mother said,
"Dinner's ready."

779
00:47:23,577 --> 00:47:25,477
Your mother cooked?

780
00:47:25,479 --> 00:47:27,345
On the off-chance
that we are making a baby,

781
00:47:27,347 --> 00:47:28,613
do you want a boy
or a girl?

782
00:47:28,615 --> 00:47:30,649
You're asking me this now?

783
00:47:30,651 --> 00:47:32,752
I'm killing time.

784
00:47:32,754 --> 00:47:35,253
Uh, a boy.

785
00:47:35,255 --> 00:47:38,189
My mother actually told
me there's a way to get a boy.

786
00:47:38,191 --> 00:47:40,258
- Oh, this ought to be good.
- Yeah.

787
00:47:40,260 --> 00:47:44,496
At the moment of climax, just
shout out, "Oh, boy! Oh, boy!"

788
00:47:44,498 --> 00:47:47,232
Can we please stop
talking about your mother.

789
00:47:47,234 --> 00:47:49,367
But I don't know why
you'd possibly want a boy,

790
00:47:49,369 --> 00:47:50,803
considering, you know,

791
00:47:50,805 --> 00:47:53,638
the baseline quality of
your relationships with men.

792
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:55,640
Oh. What, revenge?

793
00:47:57,912 --> 00:48:00,345
Oh, Jesus, Frank!

794
00:48:00,347 --> 00:48:03,281
Jesus effing Christ!

795
00:48:05,820 --> 00:48:08,486
Oh, God, you look like
you're gonna throw up!

796
00:48:08,488 --> 00:48:10,522
Why would I?
You're a very attractive woman.

797
00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:12,357
Not from that.

798
00:48:12,359 --> 00:48:13,592
Oh, right,
sorry.

799
00:48:13,594 --> 00:48:14,894
Oh, God!

800
00:48:14,896 --> 00:48:17,295
No!
No, no, no, no!

801
00:48:17,297 --> 00:48:19,164
- No?
- No, not "no."

802
00:48:19,166 --> 00:48:20,599
I'm just
a very negative person.

803
00:48:20,601 --> 00:48:21,734
Okay.

804
00:48:21,736 --> 00:48:23,736
I'm expressing
incredulity!

805
00:48:23,738 --> 00:48:25,537
Got it.

806
00:48:25,539 --> 00:48:26,939
- No!
- Ah!

807
00:48:26,941 --> 00:48:29,541
No! No! No!
No! No!

808
00:48:29,543 --> 00:48:31,643
Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

809
00:48:31,645 --> 00:48:33,378
Oh, boy!

810
00:48:33,380 --> 00:48:37,349
Yeah!
Oh, boy!

811
00:48:43,557 --> 00:48:45,357
Anytime, pal.

812
00:48:45,359 --> 00:48:46,691
Can you not talk right now?

813
00:48:46,693 --> 00:48:48,193
Fine.

814
00:48:48,195 --> 00:48:50,662
- It's gonna get cold out.
- No, it won't.

815
00:48:50,664 --> 00:48:52,932
Yes, it will.
It's the Paso Robles Diurnal.

816
00:48:52,934 --> 00:48:55,634
There's
sweeping wind temperatures.

817
00:48:55,636 --> 00:48:57,569
Don't you know anything
about meteorology?

818
00:48:57,571 --> 00:48:59,604
No!

819
00:48:59,606 --> 00:49:01,874
Oh, God. Kelp.

820
00:49:01,876 --> 00:49:03,809
- Help?
- No, kelp.

821
00:49:03,811 --> 00:49:06,411
There's kelp at
or near my vagina.

822
00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,781
Oh, that's grass.
We're in grass.

823
00:49:08,783 --> 00:49:10,348
How is that better?

824
00:49:10,350 --> 00:49:12,350
You put the ocean in my head
with the fucking crabs.

825
00:49:41,348 --> 00:49:42,580
What?

826
00:49:42,582 --> 00:49:44,251
I had a purse.

827
00:49:49,991 --> 00:49:51,924
Do you want a drink?

828
00:49:51,926 --> 00:49:54,960
I want all the drinks poured
directly down my gullet.

829
00:49:54,962 --> 00:49:57,930
Why don't we go to your room
and crack open your minibar?

830
00:49:57,932 --> 00:49:59,431
Why don't we
go to your room

831
00:49:59,433 --> 00:50:01,901
and crack open
your goddamn minibar?

832
00:50:01,903 --> 00:50:04,502
Frank.
We're alive.

833
00:50:04,504 --> 00:50:06,406
What does that have
to do with anything?

834
00:50:29,496 --> 00:50:31,663
- How do you know the words to this?
- Come on.

835
00:50:41,675 --> 00:50:44,977
What?

836
00:50:46,914 --> 00:50:48,546
<i>But at some point,</i>

837
00:50:48,548 --> 00:50:50,983
<i>don't you think it just starts
to look a little ridiculous?</i>

838
00:50:50,985 --> 00:50:54,385
<i>Think about it, this guy was formally
the head of the committee...</i>

839
00:50:54,387 --> 00:50:56,621
"Formerly," not "form-ally."

840
00:50:56,623 --> 00:50:58,258
I know, it's appalling.

841
00:50:59,626 --> 00:51:01,693
Seriously, the chocolate?

842
00:51:01,695 --> 00:51:04,897
We're not going to drink without eating.
Alcoholics do that.

843
00:51:04,899 --> 00:51:06,766
The chocolate
is the most expensive thing

844
00:51:06,768 --> 00:51:08,100
in the minibar
besides the...

845
00:51:08,102 --> 00:51:10,401
wine.

846
00:51:10,403 --> 00:51:12,437
Would you rather we had
ordered room service?

847
00:51:12,439 --> 00:51:13,739
Definitely not.

848
00:51:13,741 --> 00:51:15,741
I spoke to the front desk.

849
00:51:15,743 --> 00:51:18,576
They add a delivery fee,
a 17 percent gratuity,

850
00:51:18,578 --> 00:51:21,513
and some sort of fuckin' cover
charge, like we're in Italy.

851
00:51:21,515 --> 00:51:25,050
I've always wondered why
they give you two glasses

852
00:51:25,052 --> 00:51:26,852
even when
you're traveling alone.

853
00:51:26,854 --> 00:51:29,587
Because one
would be so sad.

854
00:51:29,589 --> 00:51:31,023
Here's to...
What?

855
00:51:31,025 --> 00:51:32,626
Please.

856
00:51:46,741 --> 00:51:49,041
It's not hashish.

857
00:51:49,043 --> 00:51:51,676
I'm not wearing anything
under my pajamas.

858
00:51:51,678 --> 00:51:53,478
Why would you?
They're so alluring.

859
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,514
I didn't think I was gonna
be intimate this weekend.

860
00:51:56,516 --> 00:51:57,883
Or any weekend.

861
00:51:57,885 --> 00:52:00,085
Superman couldn't see
through those pajamas.

862
00:52:00,087 --> 00:52:01,452
So you tried.

863
00:52:01,454 --> 00:52:04,056
People have jousted
in lighter clothing.

864
00:52:04,058 --> 00:52:06,091
- Frank?
- Present.

865
00:52:06,093 --> 00:52:09,028
When you said before that
I was an attractive woman,

866
00:52:09,030 --> 00:52:10,662
what did you mean?

867
00:52:10,664 --> 00:52:12,397
What do you mean
what did I mean?

868
00:52:12,399 --> 00:52:14,432
You're an attractive woman.
You're physically appealing.

869
00:52:14,434 --> 00:52:15,837
Can you be more specific?

870
00:52:17,537 --> 00:52:20,840
Your facial features
subscribe to the Golden Ratio.

871
00:52:20,842 --> 00:52:22,507
What?

872
00:52:22,509 --> 00:52:25,510
One to the quantity one half
times radical five plus one.

873
00:52:25,512 --> 00:52:26,879
The Golden Ratio.

874
00:52:26,881 --> 00:52:28,446
You can tell that?

875
00:52:28,448 --> 00:52:30,049
It's an estimate.

876
00:52:30,051 --> 00:52:32,483
And you have
The Folds of Aphrodite.

877
00:52:32,485 --> 00:52:34,686
What are the Folds
of Aphrodite?

878
00:52:34,688 --> 00:52:36,688
That's the name of the
particular, graceful way

879
00:52:36,690 --> 00:52:38,057
that the cheeks
of beautiful women

880
00:52:38,059 --> 00:52:40,692
arrange themselves
when they smile.

881
00:52:40,694 --> 00:52:44,096
There's a gentle creasing
that begins at the cheekbone

882
00:52:44,098 --> 00:52:46,999
and runs downward,
in a slightly arced diagonal,

883
00:52:47,001 --> 00:52:50,202
directing the eye
to the mouth.

884
00:52:50,204 --> 00:52:52,439
It's aesthetically thrilling.

885
00:52:54,608 --> 00:52:58,110
Well...
I've never heard the term

886
00:52:58,112 --> 00:52:59,945
"Folds of Aphrodite."

887
00:52:59,947 --> 00:53:01,714
I coined it.

888
00:53:01,716 --> 00:53:03,648
Then it's not a real thing.

889
00:53:03,650 --> 00:53:06,118
Then it and you
are bullshit.

890
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,854
I googled around and there was
no name for it so I coined it.

891
00:53:08,856 --> 00:53:11,724
- It's established now.
- Bullshit.

892
00:53:11,726 --> 00:53:15,227
In my experience, there's at least a 90
percent correlation between beautiful women

893
00:53:15,229 --> 00:53:17,930
- and women who have The Folds of Aphrodite.
- Oh...

894
00:53:17,932 --> 00:53:20,866
The Folds cut across races
and ethnicities.

895
00:53:20,868 --> 00:53:22,469
What else about me?

896
00:53:23,536 --> 00:53:24,803
Well...

897
00:53:28,943 --> 00:53:30,709
you're slender,

898
00:53:30,711 --> 00:53:33,478
but not to the point of a
troubled relationship with food.

899
00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:35,613
That's actionable profiling,
right there.

900
00:53:35,615 --> 00:53:37,615
File a grievance.

901
00:53:37,617 --> 00:53:41,053
And your curves are very
sexy but not vulgar.

902
00:53:41,055 --> 00:53:43,055
Everything very much
in proportion,

903
00:53:43,057 --> 00:53:45,224
firm but not overly,

904
00:53:45,226 --> 00:53:48,593
which I've always found
weird and prepossessing.

905
00:53:48,595 --> 00:53:51,764
Your arms bespeak physical
fitness and athleticism,

906
00:53:51,766 --> 00:53:53,564
but nothing sapphic.

907
00:53:53,566 --> 00:53:56,702
And your ankles quietly aver

908
00:53:56,704 --> 00:53:59,772
that you will keep your body
well into later age.

909
00:53:59,774 --> 00:54:02,875
It's despicable
the way men look at women.

910
00:54:02,877 --> 00:54:07,647
In short, you are beautiful,
graceful, and elegant.

911
00:54:09,150 --> 00:54:12,718
Also, you don't dress
in an overtly sexy way.

912
00:54:12,720 --> 00:54:14,887
You seem to understand
that dressing sexy

913
00:54:14,889 --> 00:54:17,689
is actually the opposite
of being sexy,

914
00:54:17,691 --> 00:54:19,925
that certain information
should have to be earned,

915
00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:21,794
rather than given away
for free

916
00:54:21,796 --> 00:54:24,696
to anyone and everyone
who passeth by your doorstep.

917
00:54:24,698 --> 00:54:26,865
If this were 1732.

918
00:54:26,867 --> 00:54:28,233
I'm giving you
a compliment.

919
00:54:28,235 --> 00:54:29,735
You're calling me
a prude.

920
00:54:29,737 --> 00:54:31,870
I'm suggesting that
you've taken the high road.

921
00:54:31,872 --> 00:54:34,039
Even in this flagrant,
flaunting day and age,

922
00:54:34,041 --> 00:54:36,275
you have chosen
to preserve the mystery.

923
00:54:36,277 --> 00:54:40,982
Yes, the pajamas go too far,
but I applaud the ethos.

924
00:54:43,084 --> 00:54:45,583
- Would you like to know about you?
- No.

925
00:54:45,585 --> 00:54:46,821
Yes, you would.

926
00:54:48,789 --> 00:54:50,723
You're very handsome.

927
00:54:50,725 --> 00:54:53,726
You have powerful eyes.

928
00:54:53,728 --> 00:54:56,729
Your hair
will never be a problem.

929
00:54:56,731 --> 00:54:59,832
The corners
of your mouth touch

930
00:54:59,834 --> 00:55:04,236
but do not cross the vertical
lines which bisect your eyes.

931
00:55:04,238 --> 00:55:07,605
In profile, your chin extends
exactly the same as your lower lip,

932
00:55:07,607 --> 00:55:09,574
which is an ideal.

933
00:55:09,576 --> 00:55:14,612
Bodily, you feel strong and
substantial, sinuous but not wiry.

934
00:55:14,614 --> 00:55:16,348
Sartorially,
you get high marks.

935
00:55:16,350 --> 00:55:18,083
You tuck in your shirts
because you realize

936
00:55:18,085 --> 00:55:21,120
that tails out is
a ridiculous way to dress.

937
00:55:21,122 --> 00:55:24,023
You wear your pants low, and
your shoes are legitimate.

938
00:55:24,025 --> 00:55:28,093
And you have
a beautiful penis.

939
00:55:28,095 --> 00:55:29,795
I do?

940
00:55:29,797 --> 00:55:31,263
Oh, come on, Frank.

941
00:55:31,265 --> 00:55:34,135
Surely people have told you
that your entire life.

942
00:55:35,302 --> 00:55:36,702
No.

943
00:55:36,704 --> 00:55:39,038
Well, it's very nice.

944
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:40,706
It's straight,

945
00:55:40,708 --> 00:55:43,242
and you would not believe how
epidemic a problem that is.

946
00:55:43,244 --> 00:55:47,046
Also,
it's balletically formed.

947
00:55:47,048 --> 00:55:52,351
It's not so big as to ever
be a cause for concern,

948
00:55:52,353 --> 00:55:56,055
but it's big enough never to be
the object of ridicule or scorn.

949
00:55:56,057 --> 00:55:59,058
You're in
a very sweet spot there.

950
00:55:59,060 --> 00:56:01,894
Are you saying that Keith's
penis is not straight?

951
00:56:01,896 --> 00:56:05,696
Can you imagine that we would
have gone this entire weekend

952
00:56:05,698 --> 00:56:08,100
without saying these
things to each other?

953
00:56:08,102 --> 00:56:10,769
- "Balletically formed"?
- That's right.

954
00:56:10,771 --> 00:56:14,273
People are
ridiculous and pathetic.

955
00:56:14,275 --> 00:56:17,342
Animals, that's all.

956
00:56:17,344 --> 00:56:21,180
We want to believe that there's some
high-minded, cosmic meaning behind love,

957
00:56:21,182 --> 00:56:22,881
but the truth is
we're drawn to,

958
00:56:22,883 --> 00:56:24,817
and make most of our
decisions based upon,

959
00:56:24,819 --> 00:56:29,054
shapes we find appealing,
and colors and textures

960
00:56:29,056 --> 00:56:32,724
and smells and tastes
and spatial relations.

961
00:56:32,726 --> 00:56:35,127
It's so stupid.

962
00:56:35,129 --> 00:56:37,329
This is pretty good.

963
00:56:37,331 --> 00:56:39,398
I mean, when I think about
what people look like

964
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:43,035
when they kiss or have sex,
I want to vomit.

965
00:56:43,037 --> 00:56:44,937
You almost did vomit.

966
00:56:44,939 --> 00:56:48,707
I mean, there's nothing beautiful
or transcendent about being human.

967
00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:51,210
Ultimately,
it's just a filthy business

968
00:56:51,212 --> 00:56:54,913
of a revolting species
trying to survive.

969
00:56:54,915 --> 00:56:57,749
I mean, if you've ever really
watched another person eat,

970
00:56:57,751 --> 00:56:59,885
or seen yourself in a mirror
taking a shit,

971
00:56:59,887 --> 00:57:02,754
or walked through
South Coast Plaza,

972
00:57:02,756 --> 00:57:04,756
you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

973
00:57:04,758 --> 00:57:07,392
But I had my eyes open
when I was fucking you,

974
00:57:07,394 --> 00:57:09,294
and I thought we must
have looked pretty good.

975
00:57:09,296 --> 00:57:12,231
My father thought
he had a good golf swing.

976
00:57:13,434 --> 00:57:14,735
Wait.

977
00:57:17,471 --> 00:57:20,172
Do a groove chew.

978
00:57:20,174 --> 00:57:22,007
I'm sorry?

979
00:57:22,009 --> 00:57:24,009
It's a style
of chewing used

980
00:57:24,011 --> 00:57:25,811
when you're really
enjoying something

981
00:57:25,813 --> 00:57:27,880
that you don't have
very often.

982
00:57:27,882 --> 00:57:29,383
Like this.

983
00:57:31,886 --> 00:57:32,887
Mm!

984
00:57:34,321 --> 00:57:35,256
Mm!

985
00:57:38,159 --> 00:57:40,392
- This is a thing?
- I coined it.

986
00:57:40,394 --> 00:57:42,761
And you're not embarrassed?

987
00:57:42,763 --> 00:57:44,398
All right, just come on.
Just try.

988
00:57:47,902 --> 00:57:49,234
- Mmm...
- Mm.

989
00:57:49,236 --> 00:57:51,739
- Mmm!
- Mmm-mm!

990
00:57:58,445 --> 00:58:00,913
- Can you groove swallow?
- You can.

991
00:58:00,915 --> 00:58:03,017
- Can we groove swallow now?
- Okay, fine.

992
00:58:19,500 --> 00:58:21,202
- Huh?
- Uh...

993
00:58:27,441 --> 00:58:29,777
<i>I remember the
first time I ever saw you.</i>

994
00:58:30,945 --> 00:58:32,477
<i>It was a partial nephrectomy.</i>

995
00:58:32,479 --> 00:58:35,883
<i>You were standing in for Dr.
Sumner who had an emergency.</i>

996
00:58:37,384 --> 00:58:39,117
<i>With your cap and mask,</i>

997
00:58:39,119 --> 00:58:41,188
<i>all I could see
were your eyes.</i>

998
00:58:42,823 --> 00:58:44,325
<i>And I remember thinking...</i>

999
00:58:45,292 --> 00:58:46,794
<i>thank God.</i>

1000
00:58:49,129 --> 00:58:51,863
<i>Because anything more
would be too much to bear.</i>

1001
00:58:51,865 --> 00:58:53,799
Stop worrying
about fucking each other

1002
00:58:53,801 --> 00:58:56,368
and start saving the people
who are dying in your hospital.

1003
00:58:56,370 --> 00:58:59,371
Your patient has a
snake in his urethra.

1004
00:58:59,373 --> 00:59:01,406
You should all
lose your licenses.

1005
00:59:01,408 --> 00:59:04,843
When my time comes,
I will sign a DNR.

1006
00:59:04,845 --> 00:59:07,312
I won't.
I want to be resuscitated.

1007
00:59:07,314 --> 00:59:10,415
I want to be intubated, revived,
retrieved, and prolonged.

1008
00:59:10,417 --> 00:59:11,883
I want them
to zap me with clappers

1009
00:59:11,885 --> 00:59:15,454
and inject my heart with that long needle
of adrenaline... whatever it takes.

1010
00:59:15,456 --> 00:59:17,489
What? But, what if
there's no hope?

1011
00:59:17,491 --> 00:59:18,957
There's already no hope.

1012
00:59:18,959 --> 00:59:21,526
But what if you're just
a burden to your family

1013
00:59:21,528 --> 00:59:24,196
and, by extension, the
entire health-care system?

1014
00:59:24,198 --> 00:59:25,397
Won't give a shit.

1015
00:59:25,399 --> 00:59:27,366
I want them
to stave off death.

1016
00:59:27,368 --> 00:59:30,035
I don't care if there's turnips
with better brain-wave patterns.

1017
00:59:30,037 --> 00:59:31,270
Legumes.

1018
00:59:31,272 --> 00:59:33,138
But I thought
you hated life.

1019
00:59:33,140 --> 00:59:35,340
I do, but I'm going to
be dead for a long time,

1020
00:59:35,342 --> 00:59:37,276
so there's no rush.

1021
00:59:37,278 --> 00:59:38,577
Do you want
to have children?

1022
00:59:38,579 --> 00:59:40,112
I'd rather be dead
in a ditch.

1023
00:59:40,114 --> 00:59:42,080
Oh.

1024
00:59:42,082 --> 00:59:44,449
I mean, why would I do
that to those poor souls?

1025
00:59:44,451 --> 00:59:47,085
Well, for the same reason
you want to be resuscitated.

1026
00:59:47,087 --> 00:59:50,956
Because being, as bad as it
is, is better than not being.

1027
00:59:50,958 --> 00:59:53,091
This is a horrible place
to be.

1028
00:59:53,093 --> 00:59:55,360
Central California,
or the whole thing?

1029
00:59:55,362 --> 00:59:58,030
I'm already alive.
I already know shit.

1030
00:59:58,032 --> 00:59:59,998
But unborn children
are none the wiser

1031
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,933
and deserve to be protected
from certain things,

1032
01:00:01,935 --> 01:00:03,402
like being alive
in the first place.

1033
01:00:03,404 --> 01:00:05,170
That makes no sense.

1034
01:00:05,172 --> 01:00:07,339
Living was not my choice.
It was my mother's.

1035
01:00:07,341 --> 01:00:09,374
Have you ever heard
of anything more selfish?

1036
01:00:09,376 --> 01:00:12,077
- I hope I'm not pregnant.
- That's all I'm saying.

1037
01:00:12,079 --> 01:00:14,179
Why did your father
leave your mother?

1038
01:00:14,181 --> 01:00:15,347
Because he could.

1039
01:00:15,349 --> 01:00:17,482
Because he had the power
of locomotion.

1040
01:00:17,484 --> 01:00:21,353
Why did she keep and hyphenate
both her divorced last names?

1041
01:00:21,355 --> 01:00:23,955
Because she thought
it made her sound aristocratic.

1042
01:00:23,957 --> 01:00:25,557
Also, this way
she gets all her mail.

1043
01:00:25,559 --> 01:00:29,528
And what would you say
is the major barrier

1044
01:00:29,530 --> 01:00:32,130
to a warm relationship between
you and your half-brother?

1045
01:00:32,132 --> 01:00:34,900
He's a douchebag. Why are you
asking me these questions?

1046
01:00:34,902 --> 01:00:37,035
Just... I don't know.

1047
01:00:37,037 --> 01:00:41,073
I'm just evaluating your qualifications
as an ongoing love interest.

1048
01:00:41,075 --> 01:00:42,941
Not that
I'm advocating that.

1049
01:00:42,943 --> 01:00:45,544
Clearly, you're an emotional
cripple, as am I.

1050
01:00:45,546 --> 01:00:50,315
I don't have any qualifications as an
ongoing love interest and neither do you.

1051
01:00:50,317 --> 01:00:52,417
But love interest
is too strong a word.

1052
01:00:52,419 --> 01:00:54,353
I, um... Affection.

1053
01:00:54,355 --> 01:00:55,987
Interest.
Tolerance interest.

1054
01:00:55,989 --> 01:00:57,989
This isn't
going to be ongoing.

1055
01:00:57,991 --> 01:01:00,158
What, you've just decided
that unilaterally?

1056
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,561
- For both our sakes.
- I don't get a say?

1057
01:01:02,563 --> 01:01:05,230
No, you have terrible judgment
in this regard.

1058
01:01:05,232 --> 01:01:08,300
What, but... I...

1059
01:01:08,302 --> 01:01:12,037
My head is finally
clear, thanks to you.

1060
01:01:12,039 --> 01:01:14,639
I mean, I haven't thought about
Keith since the mountain lion.

1061
01:01:14,641 --> 01:01:17,275
So you admit
it was a mountain lion.

1062
01:01:17,277 --> 01:01:20,145
Do you have any idea
how huge this is for me?

1063
01:01:20,147 --> 01:01:22,047
If it's true,
the mountain lion and I

1064
01:01:22,049 --> 01:01:24,449
are happy to have
performed that service.

1065
01:01:24,451 --> 01:01:28,053
But now, apparently, no
good deed goes unpunished.

1066
01:01:28,055 --> 01:01:30,188
I think
I finally have closure.

1067
01:01:30,190 --> 01:01:32,424
I don't trust that statement
and neither should you.

1068
01:01:32,426 --> 01:01:34,059
But you want to.

1069
01:01:34,061 --> 01:01:36,294
You don't just jump from one
love object to another.

1070
01:01:36,296 --> 01:01:38,196
- Tolerance object.
- That's how mistakes are made.

1071
01:01:38,198 --> 01:01:39,965
All I make are mistakes.

1072
01:01:39,967 --> 01:01:41,433
At least this one
would be fun.

1073
01:01:41,435 --> 01:01:43,101
Are you having fun
right now?

1074
01:01:43,103 --> 01:01:46,407
Yes. I mean, we're kind of
arguing, but there's hope.

1075
01:01:47,508 --> 01:01:49,341
This is an interlude.

1076
01:01:49,343 --> 01:01:51,042
A weekend.

1077
01:01:51,044 --> 01:01:53,612
A small oasis of time
in which we can taste intimacy

1078
01:01:53,614 --> 01:01:57,015
like it's a piece of free
salami at Trader Joe's.

1079
01:01:57,017 --> 01:02:00,185
Why not? You're in the store anyway,
and you forgot to eat breakfast,

1080
01:02:00,187 --> 01:02:03,555
and it tastes okay, and afterwards
there's no salami fallout.

1081
01:02:03,557 --> 01:02:07,058
When no one's looking, you just
drop the toothpick onto the floor.

1082
01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:09,762
Man, you're not one of the...
Do you do that?

1083
01:02:09,764 --> 01:02:11,630
Well, there's no garbage
pails in that place,

1084
01:02:11,632 --> 01:02:14,734
and it's unsanitary to put the
toothpick on the receptacle napkin.

1085
01:02:14,736 --> 01:02:16,601
All right,
le... just... Okay.

1086
01:02:16,603 --> 01:02:18,170
Just... I'm just
devil's advocate.

1087
01:02:18,172 --> 01:02:20,272
Maybe...

1088
01:02:20,274 --> 01:02:22,007
just what if, okay?

1089
01:02:22,009 --> 01:02:23,608
What if it's more?

1090
01:02:23,610 --> 01:02:26,578
What if there actually
is something to the idea

1091
01:02:26,580 --> 01:02:28,447
of a destination wedding?

1092
01:02:28,449 --> 01:02:32,083
What if we've been thinking about
this whole thing backwards?

1093
01:02:32,085 --> 01:02:34,252
What if...

1094
01:02:34,254 --> 01:02:39,057
I know, but what if our real
destination was each other?

1095
01:02:39,059 --> 01:02:41,228
What if you
never say that again?

1096
01:02:43,230 --> 01:02:46,231
What if happiness
is... contagious?

1097
01:02:46,233 --> 01:02:47,666
Why would you think
that meeting someone

1098
01:02:47,668 --> 01:02:49,501
has anything to do
with being happy?

1099
01:02:49,503 --> 01:02:51,036
Because!

1100
01:02:51,038 --> 01:02:52,637
Once upon a time,
I met someone,

1101
01:02:52,639 --> 01:02:54,807
and I was happy...
I thought.

1102
01:02:54,809 --> 01:02:57,142
Personally, I'd be worried
if my life philosophy

1103
01:02:57,144 --> 01:02:58,778
began with
"Once Upon a Time."

1104
01:02:58,780 --> 01:03:00,780
Well, I was raised
by optimists.

1105
01:03:00,782 --> 01:03:02,815
But you have a preponderance
of counter-evidence.

1106
01:03:02,817 --> 01:03:04,649
Were you not watching
your own engagement?

1107
01:03:04,651 --> 01:03:06,752
- How could I have been?
- What's wrong with you?

1108
01:03:06,754 --> 01:03:09,421
Nothing. Sometimes I just
willfully reject irony.

1109
01:03:09,423 --> 01:03:10,790
You are doomed.

1110
01:03:10,792 --> 01:03:13,425
Maybe we saved
each other, Frank.

1111
01:03:13,427 --> 01:03:15,627
I mean, did you ever
think about it like that?

1112
01:03:15,629 --> 01:03:18,296
No. Neither should you.

1113
01:03:18,298 --> 01:03:21,132
I wonder how many
people met at weddings

1114
01:03:21,134 --> 01:03:23,535
- and then went on to...
- Thirty-two.

1115
01:03:23,537 --> 01:03:26,438
Why not, you know,
extend the oasis?

1116
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:28,774
A good day here,
a good day there,

1117
01:03:28,776 --> 01:03:32,110
pretty soon you're just talking
about a couple of good days.

1118
01:03:32,112 --> 01:03:34,112
What time does our flight
land tomorrow night?

1119
01:03:34,114 --> 01:03:35,715
I don't know,
about 7:30?

1120
01:03:35,717 --> 01:03:39,084
I will extend it until
tomorrow at about 7:30.

1121
01:03:39,086 --> 01:03:42,521
Well, there's no point in
extending it another four seconds

1122
01:03:42,523 --> 01:03:45,423
if you're not gonna keep your
mind open to the possibilities.

1123
01:03:45,425 --> 01:03:47,559
Why do people need the
dangled carrot of a future?

1124
01:03:47,561 --> 01:03:48,761
Because we do.

1125
01:03:48,763 --> 01:03:50,730
Because connection
is precious,

1126
01:03:50,732 --> 01:03:53,331
therefore, it is immoral

1127
01:03:53,333 --> 01:03:56,201
to just treat each other
like dalliances,

1128
01:03:56,203 --> 01:03:58,537
even if that's what
we wind up being.

1129
01:03:58,539 --> 01:04:00,505
But that's exactly what
we wind up being.

1130
01:04:00,507 --> 01:04:03,141
Permanence is a myth,
an a... an illusion.

1131
01:04:03,143 --> 01:04:05,243
Well, I didn't say anything
about permanence.

1132
01:04:05,245 --> 01:04:09,114
I was speaking of a slightly
lengthier temporariness.

1133
01:04:09,116 --> 01:04:10,282
What's the point?

1134
01:04:10,284 --> 01:04:12,250
I just told you
what the point was.

1135
01:04:12,252 --> 01:04:15,353
But when it's over, you're
right back at square zero.

1136
01:04:15,355 --> 01:04:17,389
I will not
keep my mind open.

1137
01:04:17,391 --> 01:04:19,357
Well, then
just keep it open

1138
01:04:19,359 --> 01:04:21,727
to the possibility
of keeping it open.

1139
01:04:21,729 --> 01:04:22,663
No.

1140
01:04:24,197 --> 01:04:25,664
Really?

1141
01:04:25,666 --> 01:04:30,335
Oh, wow. That's... I...
I'm almost, I'm almost...

1142
01:04:30,337 --> 01:04:32,304
You know what,
if you can't or won't,

1143
01:04:32,306 --> 01:04:34,639
then you simply
can't or won't.

1144
01:04:34,641 --> 01:04:36,608
- That's my blanket.
- "That's my blanket."

1145
01:04:36,610 --> 01:04:38,476
You might want to shake out
the Pringle fragments.

1146
01:04:38,478 --> 01:04:40,178
"You might want to shake out
the Pringle fragments."

1147
01:04:40,180 --> 01:04:41,379
If you want to leave,
just say so.

1148
01:04:41,381 --> 01:04:43,481
- I very much want to leave.
- Say it again.

1149
01:04:43,483 --> 01:04:45,417
You debate like a child.

1150
01:04:45,419 --> 01:04:47,419
You eat like a raccoon.

1151
01:04:47,421 --> 01:04:48,823
You're fucking up.

1152
01:04:53,761 --> 01:04:55,527
How about
if I keep my mind open

1153
01:04:55,529 --> 01:04:57,562
to the possibility
of keeping my mind open

1154
01:04:57,564 --> 01:05:00,267
to the possibility
of keeping my mind open?

1155
01:05:01,535 --> 01:05:04,770
That is just one metalevel
too removed.

1156
01:05:04,772 --> 01:05:06,706
Come on.

1157
01:05:06,708 --> 01:05:08,175
Get back into bed.

1158
01:05:09,676 --> 01:05:12,212
Let's find out who the
nephrologist is sleeping with.

1159
01:05:13,715 --> 01:05:15,647
Fine.

1160
01:05:15,649 --> 01:05:18,183
But only until
the next commercial break.

1161
01:05:18,185 --> 01:05:20,720
And with no sexual reprise.

1162
01:05:20,722 --> 01:05:25,725
And only because I <i>do</i> want to know who
the nephrologist is sleeping with.

1163
01:05:25,727 --> 01:05:27,258
Okay.

1164
01:05:30,631 --> 01:05:34,834
<i>When I look at
you, I don't see smallpox.</i>

1165
01:05:34,836 --> 01:05:36,234
And it's "re-prize."

1166
01:05:36,236 --> 01:05:37,402
It's "re-preeze."

1167
01:05:37,404 --> 01:05:40,207
- "Re-prize."
- It's... "re-preeze."

1168
01:07:10,064 --> 01:07:11,864
Jesus,
is it Kristallnacht?

1169
01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:13,431
Oh, it's housekeeping.

1170
01:07:13,433 --> 01:07:15,433
They're not going to
get that reference.

1171
01:07:16,570 --> 01:07:18,470
<i>Mas retardos!</i>

1172
01:07:18,472 --> 01:07:22,509
Ah...

1173
01:07:23,745 --> 01:07:27,947
Oh... You shouldn't be in here.

1174
01:07:27,949 --> 01:07:29,581
This is my room.

1175
01:07:29,583 --> 01:07:31,016
Then I shouldn't be
in here.

1176
01:07:31,018 --> 01:07:33,651
Okay.

1177
01:07:33,653 --> 01:07:35,721
How did I wind up
in this position?

1178
01:07:35,723 --> 01:07:37,522
You made some
poor life choices.

1179
01:07:37,524 --> 01:07:40,325
No, in this position.
I'm half off the bed.

1180
01:07:40,327 --> 01:07:42,728
Why is my nose bleeding?

1181
01:07:42,730 --> 01:07:45,563
I think I have a spinal injury.

1182
01:07:45,565 --> 01:07:47,465
You feel pregnant?

1183
01:07:47,467 --> 01:07:48,734
I wouldn't know.

1184
01:07:48,736 --> 01:07:50,468
What's your gut say?

1185
01:07:50,470 --> 01:07:51,904
What it always says.

1186
01:07:51,906 --> 01:07:53,839
"Don't listen to me."

1187
01:07:53,841 --> 01:07:55,875
But if you did listen?

1188
01:07:55,877 --> 01:07:58,476
I don't feel any different,
if that's what you mean.

1189
01:07:58,478 --> 01:08:01,346
- Good.
- How is that good?

1190
01:08:01,348 --> 01:08:05,050
Why would you want me to perpetuate
my general circumstances?

1191
01:08:05,052 --> 01:08:07,086
You can do anything you want
with your circumstances.

1192
01:08:07,088 --> 01:08:08,921
I was thinking
of my circumstances.

1193
01:08:08,923 --> 01:08:10,823
Which are so wonderful.

1194
01:08:10,825 --> 01:08:12,590
We shouldn't have spent
the night together.

1195
01:08:12,592 --> 01:08:13,893
You wouldn't let me leave.

1196
01:08:13,895 --> 01:08:15,895
I didn't want it to end
on a bad note.

1197
01:08:15,897 --> 01:08:17,129
Also,
you're in the next room.

1198
01:08:17,131 --> 01:08:19,031
It would have been
spectacularly awkward.

1199
01:08:19,033 --> 01:08:20,500
As opposed to this.

1200
01:08:21,769 --> 01:08:25,037
We tried, okay?
We did.

1201
01:08:25,039 --> 01:08:28,606
But at some point there's just not
enough optimism left inside a person

1202
01:08:28,608 --> 01:08:31,476
to sustain something
like this, you know?

1203
01:08:31,478 --> 01:08:33,946
You broken preacher,
me broken choir.

1204
01:08:33,948 --> 01:08:36,614
I think it's important we recognize
that and verbalize it openly,

1205
01:08:36,616 --> 01:08:38,650
so as to avoid
any discomfort.

1206
01:08:38,652 --> 01:08:41,486
Oh. Mission accomplished.

1207
01:08:41,488 --> 01:08:42,757
Good.

1208
01:08:47,895 --> 01:08:50,428
Do you have everything?

1209
01:08:50,430 --> 01:08:53,065
Oh, um... Yeah.

1210
01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:56,035
I think, uh, my...

1211
01:08:56,037 --> 01:08:58,670
Can we still hang together
at the farewell brunch?

1212
01:08:58,672 --> 01:09:00,471
Uh, who else
am I gonna hang with?

1213
01:09:00,473 --> 01:09:02,607
Although I suppose
I could hang with myself.

1214
01:09:02,609 --> 01:09:07,012
Well, I'm going to shove some tissues
up my nostrils and take a shower.

1215
01:09:07,014 --> 01:09:09,050
Sounds like
good-bye to me.

1216
01:09:25,166 --> 01:09:28,067
Well, what do you think, about
time we head to the airport?

1217
01:09:28,069 --> 01:09:29,534
It's really close.

1218
01:09:29,536 --> 01:09:30,903
Fifteen minutes.

1219
01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,873
- Well, our flight's not for...
- Five hours.

1220
01:09:33,875 --> 01:09:36,075
- There could be traffic.
- Why take chances?

1221
01:09:36,077 --> 01:09:37,912
Then we should just
say our good-byes.

1222
01:09:39,714 --> 01:09:40,848
Good-bye.

1223
01:09:44,886 --> 01:09:46,551
Want your farewell gift?

1224
01:09:46,553 --> 01:09:49,156
The farewell is my gift,
but please, take mine.

1225
01:10:06,140 --> 01:10:08,673
Who was San Luis Obispo,
anyway?

1226
01:10:08,675 --> 01:10:11,076
And what the fuck did he do
to become a saint?

1227
01:10:11,078 --> 01:10:13,879
Thirteenth Century Bishop
of Toulouse.

1228
01:10:13,881 --> 01:10:17,615
Served the poor, left the
Church, and died of typhus.

1229
01:10:17,617 --> 01:10:19,218
That's all it takes?

1230
01:10:19,220 --> 01:10:20,853
It was in
the welcome basket.

1231
01:10:20,855 --> 01:10:23,588
Why would you canonize a guy
who left the Church?

1232
01:10:23,590 --> 01:10:26,825
Why look to France when you're
naming a city in California?

1233
01:10:26,827 --> 01:10:28,994
And what the fuck happened
with the urban planning here?

1234
01:10:28,996 --> 01:10:31,830
- At some point, did they just give up?
- Right.

1235
01:10:31,832 --> 01:10:34,666
On the off, off chance
that I ever have a wedding,

1236
01:10:34,668 --> 01:10:38,103
I would never make
anyone travel to it.

1237
01:10:38,105 --> 01:10:40,174
I don't think you'll have
to worry about that.

1238
01:10:46,680 --> 01:10:48,182
Because you're
a decent person.

1239
01:10:50,051 --> 01:10:52,184
Not because
you won't get married.

1240
01:10:52,186 --> 01:10:53,553
Oh, come on.

1241
01:11:06,666 --> 01:11:08,668
Why do we live, Frank?

1242
01:11:09,303 --> 01:11:11,536
Oh, Jesus Christ.

1243
01:11:11,538 --> 01:11:13,772
I'm serious.

1244
01:11:13,774 --> 01:11:16,641
The work we do isn't
meaningful in any great sense.

1245
01:11:16,643 --> 01:11:19,610
The connections we make
invariably fall to ruin.

1246
01:11:19,612 --> 01:11:22,247
Everything we build
burns to the ground.

1247
01:11:22,249 --> 01:11:25,784
Meaning is a myth, like you've
said, so why do we live?

1248
01:11:25,786 --> 01:11:28,721
I was so enjoying
the silence.

1249
01:11:28,723 --> 01:11:33,092
It has to be that the myth
isn't a myth for everyone.

1250
01:11:33,094 --> 01:11:36,161
Well, it's certainly a myth
for those two. Look at them.

1251
01:11:36,163 --> 01:11:38,998
They'd rather burst into flames
than to fuck each other.

1252
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:41,967
- You don't know that.
- Oh, yes, I do.

1253
01:11:41,969 --> 01:11:47,672
It's possible that within the
myth, there's a sliver of truth,

1254
01:11:47,674 --> 01:11:50,342
and you have to believe
in that sliver wholeheartedly,

1255
01:11:50,344 --> 01:11:53,678
come what may,
despite the rational mind,

1256
01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:57,216
because if you...
if you don't,

1257
01:11:57,218 --> 01:12:00,019
the myth just reveals
itself to be a myth,

1258
01:12:00,021 --> 01:12:03,756
and meaninglessness becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

1259
01:12:03,758 --> 01:12:08,827
Try as I might, I cannot get
behind wine in screw-top bottles.

1260
01:12:08,829 --> 01:12:12,663
Also, you have to encourage
others to believe in the myth.

1261
01:12:12,665 --> 01:12:14,867
Because if they believe,
they can do anything.

1262
01:12:14,869 --> 01:12:17,970
They can laugh,
cry, hope,

1263
01:12:17,972 --> 01:12:20,172
vote, get married.

1264
01:12:20,174 --> 01:12:23,142
But if they don't, they can't
do anything, I mean not really,

1265
01:12:23,144 --> 01:12:27,780
except make themselves as shallowly
happy and comfortable as possible.

1266
01:12:27,782 --> 01:12:31,016
Which is just vanity,
let's face it.

1267
01:12:31,018 --> 01:12:34,019
For me,
wine in a screw-top

1268
01:12:34,021 --> 01:12:36,924
will always carry the
stench of chintziness.

1269
01:12:38,926 --> 01:12:42,261
What if we're
falling in love?

1270
01:12:42,263 --> 01:12:45,097
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not a big fan of cork.

1271
01:12:45,099 --> 01:12:47,399
You ever see it on a wall or
in the heels of an espadrille?

1272
01:12:47,401 --> 01:12:48,901
Ridiculous.

1273
01:12:48,903 --> 01:12:52,938
But for wine, it conveys
a certain necessary élan.

1274
01:12:52,940 --> 01:12:55,040
What if love
comes for everyone?

1275
01:12:55,042 --> 01:12:57,109
Don't be absurd.

1276
01:12:57,111 --> 01:13:00,712
What if no one is immune,
not even us?

1277
01:13:00,714 --> 01:13:01,782
Stop it.

1278
01:13:04,018 --> 01:13:06,952
It would be remiss
not to embrace the miracle.

1279
01:13:06,954 --> 01:13:09,221
What happened between us
was not a miracle.

1280
01:13:09,223 --> 01:13:11,256
It was actually much closer
to a debacle.

1281
01:13:11,258 --> 01:13:13,325
- Maybe that's what you meant.
- Oh, come on.

1282
01:13:13,327 --> 01:13:15,060
You don't find it miraculous

1283
01:13:15,062 --> 01:13:17,963
that two people like us
forged any kind of bond?

1284
01:13:17,965 --> 01:13:20,766
I find it "debaculous."

1285
01:13:20,768 --> 01:13:22,434
It was a miracle.

1286
01:13:22,436 --> 01:13:25,204
It required forever
being seated together.

1287
01:13:25,206 --> 01:13:28,774
It required an adjoining door
and a near-death experience.

1288
01:13:28,776 --> 01:13:30,409
What are you waiting for,
a burning bush?

1289
01:13:30,411 --> 01:13:33,145
I can't believe you're
bringing this up again.

1290
01:13:33,147 --> 01:13:34,913
I thought we had
an understanding.

1291
01:13:34,915 --> 01:13:37,216
We had come
to an agreement.

1292
01:13:37,218 --> 01:13:39,952
We're less than an hour away
from parting as friends.

1293
01:13:39,954 --> 01:13:41,720
Okay, but deep down,

1294
01:13:41,722 --> 01:13:44,689
in your broken,
miserable gut,

1295
01:13:44,691 --> 01:13:47,893
don't you want something
that's pure

1296
01:13:47,895 --> 01:13:50,362
and in its own grotesque
way, beautiful?

1297
01:13:50,364 --> 01:13:52,331
No.

1298
01:13:52,333 --> 01:13:56,068
Don't you want to secretly
have a romantic life

1299
01:13:56,070 --> 01:13:59,304
that confirms your hopes
instead of your cynicism?

1300
01:13:59,306 --> 01:14:00,839
No.

1301
01:14:00,841 --> 01:14:02,841
Don't you want to believe
that things like this

1302
01:14:02,843 --> 01:14:04,209
actually do happen?

1303
01:14:04,211 --> 01:14:06,178
Nope. I'm fond
of my cynicism.

1304
01:14:06,180 --> 01:14:08,380
It's very comfortable.

1305
01:14:08,382 --> 01:14:10,916
- Like a warm blanket of your own shit.
- Yes. Yes.

1306
01:14:10,918 --> 01:14:12,885
I'm very comfortable
and warm

1307
01:14:12,887 --> 01:14:15,389
in my fucking warm blanket
of fucking shit.

1308
01:14:19,326 --> 01:14:21,827
But what if
we're falling in love?

1309
01:14:21,829 --> 01:14:23,095
Dear God...

1310
01:14:23,097 --> 01:14:25,898
I mean, what if this
is what it's like?

1311
01:14:25,900 --> 01:14:27,733
It would end
in disaster.

1312
01:14:27,735 --> 01:14:29,101
- What if it didn't?
- It would.

1313
01:14:29,103 --> 01:14:30,905
- I know.
- Good.

1314
01:14:33,841 --> 01:14:36,041
- But...
- Stop.

1315
01:14:36,043 --> 01:14:37,411
- Ah...
- Stop.

1316
01:14:38,913 --> 01:14:41,914
But...

1317
01:14:49,123 --> 01:14:50,891
Oh!

1318
01:14:54,995 --> 01:14:56,962
This is not funny. Don't
laugh at me, please.

1319
01:14:56,964 --> 01:14:59,464
I'm laughing
out of affection.

1320
01:14:59,466 --> 01:15:01,433
No one laughs at another
person out of affection.

1321
01:15:01,435 --> 01:15:03,335
You laugh at another
person out of contempt.

1322
01:15:03,337 --> 01:15:05,437
No. I'm laughing
'cause it's cute.

1323
01:15:05,439 --> 01:15:06,972
- It is?
- Yes.

1324
01:15:06,974 --> 01:15:08,774
But, fine,
I'll stop laughing.

1325
01:15:08,776 --> 01:15:09,710
Thank you.

1326
01:15:14,882 --> 01:15:16,415
- Frank?
- Yes?

1327
01:15:16,417 --> 01:15:19,518
Don't you, like,
have an instinct about me?

1328
01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:20,788
Nope.

1329
01:15:22,423 --> 01:15:25,123
I think you do.

1330
01:15:25,125 --> 01:15:27,926
You're the one who said
your gut can't be trusted.

1331
01:15:27,928 --> 01:15:29,294
That's true.

1332
01:15:29,296 --> 01:15:31,863
For a long time,
it's been a lying bitch.

1333
01:15:31,865 --> 01:15:34,032
But I would have been willing
to give it another shot.

1334
01:15:34,034 --> 01:15:36,034
Why? I mean, how much shit
has to fall on your head

1335
01:15:36,036 --> 01:15:37,869
before you start
wearing a hat?

1336
01:15:37,871 --> 01:15:41,073
You can't die from jumping
out of a basement window.

1337
01:15:41,075 --> 01:15:43,811
Of course you can. You can hit
your head on a pipe or something.

1338
01:15:47,181 --> 01:15:49,348
You're going to wish you
embraced the miracle, Frank.

1339
01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:50,951
You're gonna wish you had.

1340
01:16:30,124 --> 01:16:32,557
How are your pants,
John Wayne Bobbitt?

1341
01:16:32,559 --> 01:16:34,528
Sticky.

1342
01:16:41,902 --> 01:16:44,870
We shouldn't exchange
contact information.

1343
01:16:44,872 --> 01:16:46,438
There's no point.

1344
01:16:46,440 --> 01:16:48,008
I think
I just said that.

1345
01:16:49,543 --> 01:16:52,144
It was very nice
to meet you.

1346
01:16:52,146 --> 01:16:54,281
It was very nice
to meet you too.

1347
01:17:00,921 --> 01:17:02,587
I know what
you're going to say...

1348
01:17:02,589 --> 01:17:05,357
- "It's not you, it's me."
- No, it's you.

1349
01:17:05,359 --> 01:17:07,659
It's me.

1350
01:17:07,661 --> 01:17:09,127
Yeah.
I know.

1351
01:17:09,129 --> 01:17:11,396
- It's you.
- I... Yep.

1352
01:17:27,414 --> 01:17:28,916
I liked the bow
though.

1353
01:17:43,630 --> 01:17:46,665
Why didn't we meet
seven years ago, Frank?

1354
01:17:46,667 --> 01:17:48,235
Just lucky, I guess.

1355
01:17:52,539 --> 01:17:55,674
14 Catalina Drive,
Newport Beach, please?

1356
01:17:55,676 --> 01:17:58,276
What are you doing?
Don't give your exact address.

1357
01:17:58,278 --> 01:17:59,646
You don't know
who the driver is.

1358
01:18:01,215 --> 01:18:03,281
Thank you for caring.

1359
01:18:03,283 --> 01:18:05,152
I don't. I would've
said the same to anyone.

1360
01:18:07,154 --> 01:18:09,154
We're holding up
the line, Frank.

1361
01:18:09,156 --> 01:18:10,958
There are other people
in the world.

1362
01:18:12,025 --> 01:18:13,360
There are?

1363
01:18:53,768 --> 01:18:55,569
Do you have a whistle?

1364
01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,184
<i>And then taxation.</i>

1365
01:19:12,186 --> 01:19:15,187
<i>We get shut down
every single time by your...</i>

1366
01:19:15,189 --> 01:19:17,355
- <i>Idea you have so far.</i>
<i>- No, no, no.</i>

1367
01:19:17,357 --> 01:19:18,724
<i>Can I speak?
Can I speak?</i>

1368
01:19:18,726 --> 01:19:19,759
- <i>Please.</i>
<i>- Because of your...</i>

1369
01:19:19,761 --> 01:19:20,860
- <i>Hold on. Hold on.</i>
- <i>That's what I...</i>

1370
01:19:20,862 --> 01:19:23,428
- <i>Just wait a second, all right?</i>
- <i>I'm working on it.</i>

1371
01:19:25,666 --> 01:19:28,333
<i>It's the guys who
stand by in all their philosophies</i>

1372
01:19:28,335 --> 01:19:31,102
<i>and all their ideas and
everything that they represent.</i>

1373
01:19:31,104 --> 01:19:32,705
<i>They're talking about
the silent majority.</i>

1374
01:19:32,707 --> 01:19:35,040
<i>I don't know.
I mean, listen,</i>

1375
01:19:35,042 --> 01:19:37,375
- <i>if you look at the facts again...</i>
<i>- Hold on.</i>

1376
01:19:37,377 --> 01:19:39,277
<i>They're having a sidebar here.
Hold on.</i>

1377
01:19:39,279 --> 01:19:41,680
<i>How can we even bring
that up at this point?</i>

1378
01:19:41,682 --> 01:19:43,348
- <i>But what fact?</i>
<i>- In the media.</i>

1379
01:19:43,350 --> 01:19:44,549
<i>You're not getting paid here.</i>

1380
01:19:44,551 --> 01:19:46,819
<i>You have got to look
at what your guy did too.</i>

1381
01:19:46,821 --> 01:19:48,386
<i>Oh, really?
There it is again.</i>

1382
01:19:48,388 --> 01:19:50,088
<i>There's the same thing
right there.</i>

1383
01:19:50,090 --> 01:19:52,457
<i>It's the same response
for the other side. Yeah.</i>

1384
01:19:52,459 --> 01:19:55,327
<i>Yeah, but never mind
because your guy was worse...</i>

1385
01:21:41,508 --> 01:21:46,508
Subtitles by explosiveskull

1385
01:21:47,305 --> 01:22:47,320
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