[static increasing in volume]
Hank?
Hello?
[static, radio changing stations]
[static continues]
-Ah! -[laughs] Hey, you! Good?
[man] You know a lot of that
white noise is leftover sound of the birth of the universe.
Wow.
They call it, uh, cosmic microwave background radiation.
Man, talk about putting lipstick on a pig.
-Lipstick? Like what on a what? -[laughs]
Is that a thing? Is that a saying?
It's a very romantic spin on radio static.
It wasn't a line, I'm not, like, feeding you a line here.
That's... that's science.
I mean, science is beautiful and romantic,
but that's the Big Bang, I mean that's fact.
What is this place, really?
It's my house.
-I live here. -No, you don't live here.
No. No, but it's in my... it's been in my family for, uh, ever.
[woman] Wait, this is my birthday present?
[man] Not the... not the house. It's what's inside the house.
-[woman] Right, okay, all right.
-[man] Oh, my God, you're gonna be so underwhelmed now.
[woman] No, no, I'm not. I'm relieved, actually.
[man] Sure. This is gonna be so brutal.
Is this my birthday present?
[man] Well, yeah, it's, uh...
-You know, it's experiential. -[laughs]
You can't... you can't put a big red bow
on the kind of night that I have in store for you.
You can't, uh, you can't unwrap making a memory.
Ah, okay, I see.
So you drag me through the woods
to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house,
and I'm supposed to, what, throw myself at you?
Well, I mean, I got flowers. Did you see the flowers?
And what was your plan?
You're gonna just kill me or kill me and eat me afterwards?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you got it backwards.
I'm gonna eat you first.
[laughs]
[moaning]
[couch scraping]
[woman] Do you bring all your girlfriends here?
[man] All my girlfriends are still here.
I told them I'd bring them a friend.
They're going to love you, darling.
It's so dark in the attic.
No, come on.
I haven't brought anybody here.
Do you know anybody else in fuckin' Barlow
that would've walked through that grove?
-No. [laughs] -No. Just you, though.
Just you.
-That's very sweet. -Hm.
I hope you brought some wine to go with that cheese.
-Peanut Noir? -Yeah.
-That's from Georgia. -Oh, Georgia.
Where they make all the best wines.
It worked.
Oh, wait. Do, uh, do your, um,
the swirly, sniffy, something-something...
-On the peanut wine? -Yeah, but it's not...
I told you it wasn't actually peanuts.
Okay. All right.
-It's fruit-forward. -Sure.
-I smelled grapes. -Naturally.
-Yeah. Like grape jelly. -Grapes.
Hints of peanut shells.
It's a peanut butter and jelly wine.
I knew you were gonna do that.
You're such a fucking snob. You're such a snob!
-Is it really that bad? -Yeah.
I think the jar really opens it up.
[laughs]
It may just be the moment, but I think it's pretty great.
Well, this is good,
'cause the people at the peanut wine place,
they talked me into buying a whole case of this shit.
No!
Oh, yeah! They were selling it hard.
You've got like 11 more bottles of this.
Drink up. So drink up.
What is this?
-"For Julie." -Hey, wait. Wait, what is this?
-Hey, what is it? -Who the fuck is Julie?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me see that.
-Wait. -That... that's...
That's been in there for like ten years.
I'm sorry, is this a mixtape for another girl on my birthday?
-Like eighth grade. -Is that what this is? Wow.
-You are not playing that! -I am!
You absolutely will not. Nope. You are not playing that.
I will take the whole fucking thing down.
-Come on. -This is truly experiential.
[yawns]
[groans]
[spits]
[sniffs]
Darby!
[clicks tongue]
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
[clicks tongue]
Where you at, girl?
[upbeat music plays]
[man] Okay. You can open your eyes now.
-Hey, hey, hey! -[laughs]
It's a kitten! [laughs]
You have a balloon attached to you. Aw!
-I found him like that. -With this balloon attached?
-Yeah. -Do you want this off of you?
You're a mess. You're a mess, kitten.
Do you like birthday gifts you have to care for for 20 years?
[laughs] Do they live 20 years?
Ah...
Wow, it's gonna outlast our relationship.
-[laughs] -Fuck. Oh, sleepy baby.
-He's just as lazy as you are. -[laughs]
Should probably get that thing off him
before he floats away.
[horn honks]
Fuck you!
Hey, this is Abby.
I'm not around right now, so leave a message.
-[beeping] -Hey, baby, it's me.
Um, listen, the mail's really piling up here, okay?
A bunch of bills and shit, and I don't know what's paid
or what's been paid, you know,
you're the one that usually handles all that shit, so...
I got a bunch of birthday cards too.
Listen, baby. If you want outta this thing,
you're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later, okay?
You can't just disappear. All right?
Also, this is gonna sound crazy, I know,
but ever since you left some kinda...
...thing's been comin' outta the woods every night.
Scratchin' on the door, tryin' get in the house.
And I know you're probably just rollin' your eyes,
thinkin' it's just this thing or that thing, but it's not.
Okay? I know everything in these woods.
This is, uh...
I don't know.
I don't know, so, just, uh, give a call, please, would you?
I love you.
Hey, this is Abby.
I'm not around right now, so leave a message.
[beeping]
Hey, yeah, also I think that monster ate your cat.
[phone slams]
[officer] A-ha.
How we doin', Hank?
-You see what he did to my door? -Blew a hole in it?
What? No! Not a...
No. This shit!
Not the hole.
Yeah, that's a black bear, Hank.
Oh, for God's sake, it's not a black bear, Shane.
Well, I think that makes the most sense, don't it?
No, actually, I don't think that makes any sense, Shane,
that a black bear would walk past all that fuckin' garbage?
And all this fuckin' cat food
just to come scratchin' at my door?
No. Black bear'd eat its own shit
just to have somethin' in its mouth.
You know that.
You wanna tell me what happened with that truck
down the road this mornin'?
-Oh. -He said you fired at him, Hank.
Yeah, well, he damn near ran me over.
Well, he said you darted right out into the road.
Well, he's a fuckin' liar. I was just checkin' the mail.
You always check the mail with your shotgun, Hank?
Sometimes.
That it, then?
Yep.
Thanks for stopping by, officer.
[Shane] I stopped by Jessie's last night.
Hank, they said they ain't seen ya.
Listen, this thing with Abby, I know it's hard on you...
What do you know? The fuck do you know, Shane? Huh?
What do you know about it? Huh?
Are you talkin' to her?
Did she tell you to come check on me?
I am just concerned is all. We're family.
No, we're not.
We sure as fuck shoulda been by now.
It's been a goddamn decade!
Maybe she got tired of waitin' around.
Yep.
Well, hey, look, you know what?
You're so, uh... you're so concerned with me, Shane?
Why don't you tell your sister next time she calls
and I'm goin' crazy, I'm goin' crazy without her,
I'm goin' around town tellin' people
there's a big bad wolf tryin' to blow our house down.
Everybody's startin' to talk.
Maybe she oughta just come on home, then.
Hank?
If the big bad wolf comes by again,
maybe you oughta shoot it with your camera
instead of your 12-gauge.
Make a more convincing argument.
Okay.
[soft music plays]
¶ I know it's strange ¶
¶ but it feels like it's trying to get me ¶
¶ Every day I stick around ¶
¶ Is just one more day in this town ¶
¶ I've been trying to leave this town ¶
¶ But it won't let me ¶
[indistinct]
¶ I know that you'll protect me ¶
¶ Desert lands got a plan ¶
¶ And a life of mystery ¶
¶ Every day's a mountain day ¶
-¶ And the sun... ¶ -Hey, hey.
She has to start screaming, she's like "What's going on?!"
And I don't wanna say it's a spider, 'cause I'm not,
like, a little girl, you know, so I said it was an intruder,
and she ended up getting, like, more upset with that.
What's up, Bubba?
Oh, hey, Hank, man! What's goin' on, buddy?
I was just talkin' about you.
I was just telling Jane here about the time
that you bagged that Sherman tank lookin' fuckin' buck.
It was down in the Waller
over in Baines Prairies about two seasons ago,
and I don't think she fuckin' believes me.
I don't believe that's English, so...
No, you wouldn't believe this thing.
It was like an airplane with a dick.
It was nice! It was a good get.
-What was its name? -Val.
Valentine! Valentine.
Yeah. Where is Valentine?
He's home. He's in the closet.
The fuck is Big Val doin' in the closet?
Uh, Abby don't like dead shit on her walls.
Fuck that. You should bring it here, man.
Put it... put it up on the fuckin' wall!
That's a goddamn injustice!
We'll put him up on the wall with the other goofy shit.
Yeah, 'cause the other thing is they ward off evil spirits.
-Where did you hear that? -It's like a Indian thing.
-I mean Native American. -[laughs]
Or like Vikings or some shit.
[coughs]
Whatcha got there, baby?
-The bare necessities. -I'll take care of it.
What are you, running out of booze?
It's nothing you should worry about.
I've seen you drink the mat juice.
Yeah, it's called a Gorilla Fart.
Wait, you drink the spill out of the bar mats?
Yeah, man, free is free. I got kids.
Wade.
It's the only drink you'll give me for free.
Jane, pour us two shots of that 1816, would you please?
-Mm. -Have some self respect, Wade.
-What's that? -A little self respect. Come on.
-That's a healthy pour. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no. That's Jane.
I'm not gonna waste 1816 on you
if you're gonna drink the shit out of the mats.
-Line 'em up. -Okay.
-Whoo! -You're not gonna do this.
[Wade blubbers] Come on.
-All right. -That's a big boy.
Yeah, that's real big.
You're a grownup, Wade. You're a father.
And that's why I get to do this. Okay.
Cheers.
Here's to being a proud American citizen.
[laughs]
It's not as bad as the name suggests.
That's ridiculous. Get him a real shot, please.
-Please. -What's it taste like?
It tastes like going blind.
[thunder rumbles]
[no audible dialogue]
[growling, banging]
-[growling] -Goddamn it!
[roaring]
[sighs]
[soft guitar music plays]
¶ Well, I told you so ¶
¶ And I don't hate to say ¶
¶ You didn't see the trap set for you ¶
¶ And it was plain as day ¶
¶ But it's good to be alive ¶
¶ Even when parts of you is dead ¶
¶ And we have stepped over the sky ¶
¶ That's the places where we've bled ¶
¶ But this one's in your head ¶
¶ In your head ¶
¶ It's in your head ¶
¶ Ahhh ¶
¶ Ah, ah, ahhh ¶
¶ And we are over the stars ¶
¶ That's the places where we've bled ¶
¶ And this one's in your head ¶
¶ In your head ¶
¶ It's in your head ¶
[screaming on TV]
[screaming continues]
[screaming on TV continues]
[low growling]
[growling continues]
Ahh!
-[grunts] -[gunshot]
[Wade] Yeah, that's a pool of blood.
I think you got it, buddy.
You know, um, cats can do this shit.
Definitely. I mean,
Jess was watching a show on TV the other day
that said cats are like evil fuckers.
Like if a cat owner dies and no one finds 'em,
like all the soft parts are gone.
It'll come and eat his nose and his eyelids
and is fucking ears. All the worst shit,
so it looks like a screaming skull at the end of it.
They don't give a fuck. And they're the same
no matter what size,
from a kitten up to like a Siberian tiger.
They all act exactly the same, like they play
and they have fun and they scamper
and they purr and shit.
So like...
A panther could have done all this.
They're on the rebound too. They're fucking again.
You ever seen a panther, Wade?
You know anybody that has?
No.
I mean, let me think.
No.
Did I tell you Abby's cat went missing?
That's it. That's where your monster is right there.
Like a barrel of toxic waste like fell off
of a government truck and Abby's cat like jumped in it
and now it's big and it just wants to come home.
It ain't a cat, Wade.
How do you know, though?
I saw it.
Did you bring your rifle with you, bubba?
Now, you said you saw its hand.
Did you mean its hand or did you mean paw?
[Hank] It looked like a hand, Wade.
[Wade] I don't know, man.
I was watching a video the other day on aliens,
and if they land here scientists say they
probably gonna be predators because they need meat to grow
the brains the size they need to be
to get the technology they need to fucking get here.
And then they showed a bunch of pictures
of what aliens could look like,
and they don't look like us, man.
It's like Dark Crystal shit.
It's... like because they come from different gravities
and they have different like chemical makeups.
They're like... it could be a squid with like six eyes
or it could have like no eyes and see with emotions
and it was a fucking nightmare, Hank.
It was a nightmare.
And it wasn't a horror movie, it was the Discovery Channel.
And it was during the fucking day.
You watch a lot of TV, bubba.
I'm just saying that if I see something like that
come out of one of these bushes,
I'm going to have a fucking mental breakdown, Hank.
I wouldn't worry about it, Wade.
You talk enough to clean the woods.
You're right. You're right.
Abby left.
What do you mean?
I mean she just left.
Note on the fridge.
Where'd she fucking go?
I don't know. Miami maybe.
That's where she went to school. Maybe to see her old boyfriend.
Shit, man.
Sitting here. I knew something else was going on,
but I didn't say anything, I'm sorry.
I'm just talking about aliens and squid creatures and shit.
I'm an asshole.
No. No.
Thanks, bubba.
-Wanna go get drunk? -Yeah, let's go and get drunk.
[country music plays]
¶ Thirteen days of sunshine ¶
¶ Couldn't get enough of it ¶
¶ Thought that you would be my mine ¶
¶ But there was one little thing I missed ¶
¶ You don't like dogs ¶
¶ And I got two ¶
¶ But I loved you forever while we were together ¶
¶ Thirteen days ¶
¶ Thirteen nights for loving ¶
¶ And you're half on the edge of town ¶
¶ You kept your dishes in the oven ¶
¶ And you never put the toilet seat down ¶
¶ Well, you're a handsome man ¶
¶ Who never finished school ¶
¶ But I loved you forever while we were together ¶
-[music stops] -No. I'm not gonna sing.
I bet you'd do it for Julie.
Oh, I would do anything for Julie.
-[both laugh] -[screams]
[music continues]
¶ Thirteen days of something ¶
¶ I never ever seen before ¶
¶ You smudged makeup on the pillow ¶
¶ You spilled nail polish on the floor ¶
[indistinct]
¶ All my money's gone ¶
[loud bang]
Shane!
Hank.
You still think it's a bear, Shane?
-That's a fucking bear trap. -That's a bear trap.
Careful with the lawn now. I just...
I had it caught, Shane,
and it didn't chew its leg off, all right?
It pried itself free. Do you believe that shit?
Hank... you smell that?
-What? -That's bacon.
I'm not crazy.
And I've seen enough of this thing to know
I don't know what the hell it is.
And unless it just fell out of the goddamn sky
and landed in my backyard in the last few weeks,
I can't be the only person that's ever seen it, right?
I mean, there's gotta be reports.
Reports of what, Hank? Monsters?
My uncle Pete swore
he saw the Lake George monster when he was a kid.
Told that damn story every Christmas till the day he died.
Now Hank, do you know the problem
with my Uncle Pete's story?
The problem with Uncle Pete's story is
there ain't no goddamn monster in Lake George.
Just humor me. Please.
-Do a little digging. -What am I digging for?
I don't know.
Police reports, you know? Similar descriptions.
-I mean, you're the detective. -I am not a detective.
I'm a police officer.
Look, Hank, there ain't one goddamn town
in this whole goddamn world that don't have someone saying
they've seen something they can't explain. Right?
Every lake has a lake monster,
every forest has a big hairy ape.
Hell, I could ask 100 people in this town alone,
half of them gonna say they've see a UFO or a ghost.
Shit, most of them are gonna say they seen both.
Even though 500 years of hard science hasn't turned up
one single scrap of evidence for either one.
Not one single scrap.
But that's what we do, you know?
We fill in the blanks what we don't understand.
It's human nature.
We've been letting our imaginations draw faces
on the noises in the dark since we were living in caves.
And we always draw sharp teeth.
Eat your fucking food.
[line ringing]
Hi, this is Abby.
I'm not around right now, so leave a message.
[cocks gun]
[indistinct chatter]
What is this? It's the peanut wine.
-Oh, the famous peanut wine. -Is it made out of peanuts?
No, it's a vineyard in Georgia that's also like a peanut farm.
Do you know the five "S's" of wine tasting?
-I know sniff is your favorite. -Sniff is my favorite!
Oh, God, this has aged so poorly.
You can do four of those "S's," but not all of them.
-Which one can't you do? -Huh?
Seriously, Wade, I cannot believe you just said that.
-Wait, what? -Are you pregnant?
-Yes, we're pregnant. -Oh, no!
-Congratulations! -I mean congratulations!
-Congratulations. -Congratulations. Cheers!
[Wade] I can't help it. I'm so potent.
Congratulations.
I just didn't want to spoil your day.
Oh, no! This is the best gift.
I'm so excited. Congratulations!
Thank you, it's amazing.
My question is, when are the two of you gonna have some kids?
[laughs] Maybe when they come out at eight years old
so I don't have to do all the diaper shit.
-[laughter] -Start out at a good age.
-[indistinct chatter] -[laughter]
[soft music plays]
You doing all right, Hank?
Yeah, I'm good.
-[horn honks] -Oh! That's my ride.
So I'm going to go start blowing all of this,
and I'll see you later.
-Okay. Night, Jane. -Good night.
[rattling]
-[growling, roaring] -[Hank shouts]
[roaring]
[Hank] Oh, Jesus.
-[low growl] -[Hank grunts]
-[gun cocks] -Oh, God. Oh, my God.
[gun cocks]
-[meowing] -Darby?
Darby, is that you, girl?
-Oh, Jesus. Darby. Come here. -[yowling]
-Hey. -[cat screeches]
-[roaring] -Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh, my God!
What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that?!
Oh!
[sobbing quietly]
[no audible dialogue]
[footsteps approaching]
[door rattling]
[soft music plays]
¶ I love when you're around me ¶
¶ Hug and hold me tight ¶
¶ Come a little closer, dear There's not a thing to fear ¶
¶ Stay for good this time ¶
¶ Summer, winter spring or fall ¶
¶ Whether rain or sun is shining ¶
¶ Morning, noon and night ¶
¶ Stay for good this time ¶
¶ Oh, you know me all too well You left me for a spell ¶
¶ I was here all alone ¶
¶ Oh, I'm always thinking of you ¶
¶ Calling on the telephone ¶
¶ Dark nights Creeping shadows ¶
¶ Makes me think of you ¶
¶ Don't you think of me too? ¶
¶ The birds leave every autumn ¶
¶ Return again by summertime ¶
¶ I feel like it's always darkest ¶
¶ Stay for good this time ¶
[music stops]
Hank?
You wanna put that in or not?
It's my birthday tomorrow.
I know that.
Abby, of course I know that.
We need to get the house in order.
-Everybody's coming over. -No.
Abby, we can't have people over right now.
Why not?
Because I told you that thing comes every night.
-Come on, Hank. -Abby, what? What?
The monster?
Yes, fine. You want me to put a name on it?
-Yeah, it's a monster. -Okay.
She didn't get hit by a car, Abby.
I saw that thing pick her up and take a bite out of her
like she was a goddamn apple.
Then kill it, Hank.
You're a hunter, right?
That's what you do, you kill things.
You say it's coming tonight?
Great. When it gets here, then just fucking kill it.
Can you please fix the front door?
I don't want to have to explain that to everybody.
[sighs]
You put the buck back on the wall.
Yeah. He has a name, by the way.
It's Valentine.
It's supposed to be good luck.
-Who told you that? -Fucking Wade.
[laughs] He said the Indians said it.
Or the Vikings or some shit.
What time is this thing showing up?
Any minute now.
If it shows up at all.
I thought you said it comes every night.
It does. It has.
Every night since you left.
But now you're back.
So I don't know what's gonna happen.
Hell, I'm not entirely convinced it's not you.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know.
You some kind of shapeshifter, Abby?
Like a werewolf or something?
You got me.
No, I'm seri... I'm serious.
[chuckles This is good. What did you open?
It's wine.
I don't know, you tell me. Do your, um...
Do your little swirly sniff test thing.
See if you can get it.
Not really feeling like it tonight.
Okay.
Where'd you go, Abby?
Miami.
Yeah.
Figured.
You go down there and see your old boyfriend? Huh?
The old fast-talking city boy who got you
into all this fancy wine shit in the first place?
That right?
Yeah, of course that's what you'd think.
What am I supposed to think?
I don't know, Hank.
That I went to my reunion, like I told you.
That I begged you to come to.
But you said you didn't want to drive all that way
just to put on a tie and stare up people's noses.
Well, it's 'cause they're snobs.
Yeah, I got it.
[sighs] So you didn't see him then?
Is that what you're saying?
No, I did see him.
He was at the reunion with his wife.
And they left early to go get their kids.
That's not really the point, Hank.
Okay. Okay.
Well, that explains about nine hours.
What about the other four weeks you were gone? Hm?
-[cocking gun repeatedly] -Stop that.
Did you know I'm the only member of my family
that's been on a plane?
Okay.
All right, Abby. What is the point?
Barlow is enough for them. That's the point.
But it's not enough for me.
I need art and culture.
And food that isn't brown
and music that isn't all banjos.
You know, while I was gone,
I had sushi...
...and curry and Cuban food
and... tamales
from a guy on a bike.
And I saw a jazz band play on the street
and I drank wines that I couldn't even pronounce.
And I went to a museum and I went to a baseball game.
And...
...that was all in just one city.
That was just Miami, and just one month.
Four hours from our front porch.
I spent the last month
trying to run my business without my partner.
Trying to keep our dirty laundry from
getting aired all over town.
Thinking I was losing my fucking mind and my best friend.
Wondering if I was ever gonna see you again.
But hey, tamales.
I'm glad you had such a good time.
I am sorry about all of that.
Good.
-I did want to call. -Hm.
But I knew if I did that you'd just convince me to come back,
or I'd... I'd get so mad at you
that I would never come home at all, so...
I figured I'd just have to figure it out for myself.
Well, did you?
You know when I came home after school that summer?
I was just gonna save some money,
see my parents, and that was it.
I never intended to stay here.
Well, why did you, Abby?
For Christ sake, why'd you stay?
Because of you, Hank.
Because of you, you wooed me,
and you swept me off my feet and I fucking fell for it.
Goddamn it, you used to look at me like I was...
You used to look at me like...
...you couldn't believe that I existed.
Like you couldn't believe your luck. You know?
And now, you hardly look at me at all.
Look at me, Hank.
I see you,
cutting eyes at other girls all the time.
-Oh, come on. -I'm not crazy.
I don't think everything's gonna be all
spontaneous and new forever.
But I know you, and I know you're a hunter.
Maybe it was all about the pursuit all those years ago,
and now you're just looking for something else to chase.
And now it's been ten years,
and I wake up and...
...I'm a 33-year-old
unmarried, childless bar manager
living in the only place that I really ever wanted to leave.
And I think maybe you're looking around
to see if there's something else you can chase.
And I'm thinking about all those things that I gave up
just for a spot on your wall.
Everyone I know is married.
They all have kids.
And I have to hear it all the time, you know.
"What are you two doing?
What's he waiting for?"
I used to think that was just some
small town bullshit I didn't care about.
You know? Getting married, having a whole litter of kids.
I don't know, Hank. What are we doing?
-[laughs] -What are you waiting for?
Because if you're waiting for me to look like
Jane again...
Oh!
You know 20-something years old, stars in my eyes,
or if you're just looking for some other dumb doe to chase,
I really wish you would tell me.
Because it would make things a whole lot easier.
You have everything you want here.
You have me, you have the bar,
you have Wade, you have your hunting buddies.
You have all these woods and this big fucking house,
this falling-apart house.
But what if I had gone back to the city, you know,
all those years ago, and you had come with me?
And we'd been living in, like,
a one-bedroom walk-up all these years, you know?
You could hear our neighbors above us,
the traffic outside.
You didn't any of that stuff
and you couldn't wander into the woods any time you wanted.
You didn't have any of the things that made you you, or
gave you purpose.
Would I be enough for you?
I don't think I would.
Baby.
Hey, look.
Look at that.
Now I'm a 34-year-old...
...unmarried, childless
bar manager that lives in the sticks.
Thirty-four.
You remember where we were tonight ten years ago?
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Right here.
Right in this room.
Sometimes it feels like
we've lived our whole lives in this room.
I don't think your monster is coming.
[footsteps climbing stairs]
-"For Julie?" -Wait, what is it?
Who the fuck is Julie?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me see that.
[laughs] No way! Listen, this... this is incredible.
I mean, this is a very romantic birthday.
Oh, yeah, talk about putting lipstick on a fucking pig.
But this tape, which is probably full of horribly embarrassing,
very dated, super emotional songs
that you put on a tape for another girl.
Oh, no, just one song.
I'm sorry, there's one song on here?
Yeah, you know, you put one song and
you repeat it over and over again.
No, I don't know this.
-So you don't have to rewind. -You do it over and over?
-Oh, my God. -Okay, so this tape
is full of one song, over and over,
for another girl that is not me
but it somehow made its way here on my birthday.
This gift, you can't put a bow on it.
-Oh, don't pull that shit. -You can't unwrap this tape.
I just said that to you, come on.
This is truly experiential.
-Just play the fucking tape. -I'm gonna play the tape.
-[soft rock plays] -[laughter, chatter]
¶ There is a house in New Orleans ¶
¶ They call the rising sun ¶
¶ And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy ¶
¶ And Lord I know I'm one ¶
¶ My mother ¶ [voice cracks]
¶ And we cannot be defeated ¶
¶ They can take our bones ¶
¶ And bury them deep under the river ¶
¶ And we'll still be together ¶
¶ We lost ourselves in the city lights ¶
¶ With the long rides home and the quiet nights ¶
¶ But we know we're the only ones ¶
¶ We know we're the only ones ¶
¶ Happy birthday, dear Abby ¶
-That's my girl. -Oh, my bitch.
¶ Happy birthday to you ¶
[laughs] Love you!
Okay, you guys have to promise not to laugh.
This is my first attempt.
-Oh, I know what that is. -Jesus Christ, what is that?
-Take one and pass it down. -Is that pond water?
[laughs] I call it Sauvignon Brun, because it's... brown.
It looks more like Sauvignon Bluhh!
-Hey, be nice. -I'm sorry...
You made this? Abby, you made this?
Yeah.
So you like stomped on grapes with your dirty feet.
-Is that why it's brown? -Uh, no. It just...
I didn't seal it right so it oxidized,
you know how like an apple goes brown?
-[Wade] That means it's rotten. -Shut up, baby.
I'm not trying to be negative. I'm just curious.
Does anyone know the proper way to taste wine?
See. Swirl.
Sniff.
-Sip and savor. -That's right.
-You guys remember Jonestown? -[laughter]
-I think about it all the time. -Did we just do a pact?
[Wade] Oh, man, we didn't even do any community outreach.
-[laughter] -This is so much fun, guys.
I don't even remember the last time I actually got drunk.
I do. I think it was like two glasses of wine ago.
Ha-ha. [laughs]
No, well, mama got the nuggets
and she told us to live it up a little bit.
You-- you-you. We're staying up to the crack of 12:30.
-[laughter] -Whoa!
-Party animals. -Yeah.
Speak for yourself.
[Hank] I may have three glasses of wine tonight.
-Whoa! -So, uh, Hank.
Is your monster stopping by tonight?
Shane.
-Come on, man. -What? Everybody knows.
Oh, come on.
There's a goddamn elephant in the room
and no one wants to talk about it.
It wasn't an elephant.
-It was a panther. -[laughter]
All right, I do have one question.
Uh... has anyone here seen a UFO?
-Yes. -I did once.
See? Now, Pam.
You are sure it was an alien spacecraft?
It couldn't have been a plane, a helicopter, a weather balloon?
It wasn't a weather balloon. No.
Do you have any idea how vast the universe is?
I do, it's like... like nine football fields wide.
And if you are smart enough to travel billions of light years,
why the fuck would you come to Barlow?
-I mean, that's a good point. -You're not wrong.
-You're not wrong on that one. -I am not wrong.
-Because I am a police officer. -You're a police officer?
Did you guys know... did you know that?
I had heard, yeah.
[Shane] And as a police officer,
it is my job to use logic and evidence
and the powers of deduction to figure things out.
And that is why, Pam,
a zig-zagging light in the sky ain't a UFO,
a glob of dust on a photo ain't a ghost,
and Hank, whatever the hell has been coming around
your house for the last month,
it ain't a goblin or a goddamn demon
or anything else magical or supernatural, all right?
It's just not.
[Abby] Shane, this is not the time or the place.
I'm sorry, for the last month
Hank has been shooting at cars
and ranting and raving about monsters,
and now we're all gonna sit here and pretend it didn't happen?
I mean, we're all friends, some of us are family.
Shane, stop!
Some of us should be family
and I'm saying all of this because I love you.
Is that what it is?
You're doing it because you love me?
I love you too, buddy.
I love you too, Shane.
You're right.
I've been an asshole lately.
Well, longer than lately, I guess.
But lately I've been more of an asshole and I'm sorry for that.
And you're right, maybe we should've been family by now.
But you're wrong about what I saw.
Oh, my God, the fucking ego on you.
You're a bachelor sheriff in a backwoods shithole
and you think you got it all figured out.
Right, baby?
You're right, baby.
Hell, you're right about most things most of the time.
You're right about this town.
This town is nothing but a speck of dust in a great big world
that's nothing but a speck of dust in a galaxy,
that's nothing but a speck of dust in a big wide universe.
And if no thinking thing in its right mind
is gonna go all that way to come to Barlow...
...well, how could I ever expect you to stay here?
You're right, I...
I never gave enough thought to the things that made you happy.
To the things you care about,
or... the things that make you who you are.
Or hell, maybe I ignored them sometimes
because, I don't know,
they made me feel small or stupid.
Just selfish shit, you know?
I always knew with you I caught something
that you can't lock up.
And then I went and tried to do it anyway.
I'm sorry.
So let's get the fuck out of here.
Let's get out of this place. Sell the bar,
let's get rid of this big stupid goddamn house
that's been in my family, it's been killing everybody,
I'm never gonna fix it.
You're right about that too. And let's move.
You want to move to Miami? Let's go.
Or Madrid, Moscow...
I'll go anywhere with you.
Anywhere.
Because, yeah, you're right about most things,
but you're wrong about one thing.
You are enough for me, Abby.
One... one more thing.
-This is... shit. Sorry. -[feedback]
This is for you, baby,
and Julie.
[soft rock plays]
¶ You say ¶
¶ I only hear what I want to ¶
¶ And you say ¶
¶ I talk so all the time ¶
¶ So ¶
¶ And I thought what I felt was simple ¶
¶ And I thought that I don't belong ¶
¶ And now that I am leaving ¶
¶ Now I know that I did something wrong ¶
¶ 'Cause I missed you ¶
¶ Yeah, I missed you ¶
¶ And you say ¶
¶ I only hear what I want to ¶
¶ I don't listen hard I don't pay attention ¶
¶ To the distance that you're running to anyone anywhere ¶
¶ I don't understand if you even care ¶
¶ I'm only hearing negative No, no, no, bad ¶
¶ So I turned the radio on I turned the radio up ¶
¶ And this woman was singing my song ¶
¶ Lovers in love and the others run away ¶
¶ Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay ¶
¶ Some of us hover only waiting for the other who was dying ¶
¶ Since the day they were born, well ¶
¶ Well, this is not that I think that I'm throwing ¶
¶ But I'm thrown ¶
¶ And I thought I'd live forever ¶
¶ But now I'm not too sure ¶
¶ You try to tell me that I'm clever ¶
¶ but that won't take me anyhow ¶
¶ Or anywhere with you ¶
¶ And you said that I was naive ¶
¶ And I thought that I was strong ¶
¶ Oh, I thought "Hey I can leave, I can leave" ¶
¶ Oh, but now I know that I was wrong ¶
¶ 'Cause I missed you ¶
¶ Yeah, I missed you ¶
¶ You said, "You caught me 'cause you want me ¶
¶ And one day you'll let me go" You try to give away a keeper ¶
¶ Or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose ¶
¶ And you say ¶
¶ "Stay" ¶
¶ You say ¶
¶ I only hear what I want to ¶
[roaring]
-[grunting] -Hank!
[roaring]
[all shouting]
[Shane] Abby, where is Hank's gun? Where is Hank's gun?
Hank!
I gotta get something from my truck.
-You go out the back door! -Where are you going?
-Hank! -[roaring]
[Hank] Come on!
Hank?
[roaring]
-[grunts] -[roaring]
[screaming]
-[roaring] -[grunting]
[monster squealing]
-I got it! -[cocks gun]
[Hank panting]
[groans]
Hank?
Hank...
Hey, baby...
...are you okay?
[sobbing] I was supposed to give this to you.
You wanna drink another case of this shit with me?
[rock music plays]
¶ You ¶
¶ Will bear all my fruit ¶
¶ And you ¶
¶ Will dress all of my wounds ¶
¶ And I won't ask of you ¶
¶ More than to do More than to be ¶
¶ There are feet beneath the knees ¶
¶ And the tower, the trees ¶
¶ And the future I believe ¶
¶ Come like any hope We will elope ¶
¶ Hold out your hand to me ¶
¶ Make me your soul Songs from your throat ¶
¶ Berries that stain your hands ¶
¶ And I will love you ¶
¶ For the rest of your life ¶
¶ I will love you ¶
¶ And I will love you ¶
¶ For the rest of your life ¶
¶ I will love you ¶
¶ Ahhh ¶
¶ Oh, oh, ahh ¶
¶ Oh, ahh, ahhh ¶
¶ Ahh, ohh ¶
[vocalizing continues]
¶ I will love you ¶
¶ For the rest of your life ¶
¶ I will love you ¶
¶ For the rest of your life ¶