(SHIP'S HORN SOUNDS IN DISTANCE)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(CAR PULLS UP)
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(TRAIN RUMBLES PAST IN BACKGROUND)
AMERICAN WOMAN: Tell me the one about the day we met.
IRISH WOMAN: I was walking past the coffee shop, lost,
and you were standing outside.
AMERICAN WOMAN: I said, "You look like a girl
"who's looking for something."
IRISH WOMAN: Mmm. The call centre.
AMERICAN WOMAN: Inspiration.
IRISH WOMAN: Well, first and foremost, the call centre.
I had a job interview.
AMERICAN WOMAN: Tell me about the next time we met.
IRISH WOMAN: You were driving a tram.
AMERICAN WOMAN: It wasn't even my tram.
IRISH WOMAN: (LAUGHS) It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
- AMERICAN WOMAN: Still? - IRISH WOMAN: Always.
('BOYS WANNA BE HER' BY PEACHES PLAYS)
♪ Ooh
♪ Boom
♪ Ooh
(CAT PURRS)
♪ You've got them all by the balls, causing waterfalls
♪ Stone walls, bar brawls
♪ Climbing stalls at concert halls
♪ To you they crawl, body sprawl, smoking Pall Malls
♪ Close call, stand tall
♪ Doll, you make them feel so small
♪ And they love it
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ The boys wanna be her The boys
♪ The girls wanna be her The girls
♪ The boys wanna be her The boys
♪ The girls wanna be her The girls
♪ The boys wanna be her The boys
♪ The girls wanna be her The girls
♪ The boys wanna be her The boys
♪ I wanna be her
♪ Yes, I do. ♪
(JAZZ PLAYS IN OTHER ROOM)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Oh. (GROANS)
(IRISH ACCENT) Tyler?
(GRUNTS, SIGHS)
Tyler!
(AMERICAN ACCENT) The way I see it,
girls are tied to beds for two reasons -
sex...
..and exorcisms.
So, which was it with you?
(GRUNTS) What time is it?
Time is irrelevant.
Where did you sleep?
I didn't.
I Fonzed it on the roof
with a spritzer and my shades on.
Eyyyy!
(GROANS)
(LAUGHS) Whoa there, Bambi. Up.
(GROANS)
We need to be at the restaurant for 5:30.
Ugh! Enforced family fun.
(GROANS) I need to piss.
Whoa!
(TYLER LAUGHS)
Fine. I will piss in your bed.
We might as well prepare for the future.
One day, it's just gonna be you and me,
lying around, pissing all over each other.
Mm-hm.
- The golden years! - Ah!
(URINATES)
TYLER: How's your hue?
BOTH: White piss good, amber piss bad.
- You need to hydrate. - (GROANS)
Fancy a spritzer?
I think I'm about to start my period. Are you?
Of course. The moon has married us both.
That old troublemaker? Do we have any sanitary products?
Ugh. Those abominations?
We're boycotting them, remember?
God forbid our bodies should soil the soft furnishings.
God forbid
our reality should ruin the big, jazzy fantasy!
Do we, though?
First things first. Let's get you a loosener, hmm?
Definitely.
Oh, and let's get Jean out after. She needs a break.
Oh, how the mighty fall. Real estate!
Undoubtedly.
Your wee sister has forgotten how to live.
We must remind her.
There.
How could Jean resist?
The night is a zoo and the next day is its museum.
She just made that up. Off the top.
I'm a writer.
She's writing a novel.
Got a pen?
Doesn't matter.
TYLER: Oh, yeah. Right up here is good.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Agh! Just keep the change.
Greetings, team.
- WOMAN: Hey. - Hello!
We've got shots, Jeannie. On me.
Oh! Hark at Daddy Warbucks!
How are you feeling, Dad?
Yeah, did they call yesterday?
- Yeah, how's the cancer, Bill? - (LAUGHS)
They'll have to find another way to get rid of me.
I'm not going yet.
- Hey, here is to that, huh? - Jeannie?
- BILL: Where's mine? - Dr Flood said none.
(SIGHS) Dr Flood doesn't know how to live.
A Guinness will be good for my soul.
- Fuck, Bill. - (LAUGHTER)
How's your family, Tyler?
They're fine. And very, very far away.
Here's to a good night.
BILL: Absolutely, yeah.
Let's go out after. Like old times, yeah?
BILL: Besides, I have a lot more to stick around for now,
with your impending literary success and...
And...
And? (CHUCKLES)
What?
JEAN: Sis...
..I'm pregnant.
Oh, shit!
- (LAUGHS) No, I want it! - Oh!
Hooray! (LAUGHS)
You're going to be an aunty.
I... (STAMMERS)
I'm just...I'm thrilled for you, Jeannie.
Really, it's... it's wonderful news.
We're clearing out the spare room
so we can have a nursery at our place.
I've been waiting so long to be a grandma.
I didn't even know you were trying.
- Mmm! - Mmm.
Ah!
OK, bitches.
It's kitty time!
(BOTH CHEER)
- (SIZZLING) - Oh! Oh, God!
Fuck! Whoo!
Jeannie, fuck!
(SIGHS) Sorry, lads.
I didn't mean to get all holy on you there
with my burning bush. (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
So, to our latent literary superstar.
- Oh! - How's the novel?
- Oh, it's getting there. - Must be a tome by now.
How long have you been writing it?
I don't know. Since, uh...
Since we met, so, uh... Hmm.
You can't just toss these things off. You know?
Art is hard. It's laborious.
It's not like other things in life
that can just happen... by accident.
Have I really been writing it for 10 years?
A decade?
So, you have, what, a few hundred pages?
10. I have 10 pages. (LAUGHS)
Hey, don't you sweat it, OK?
Ezra Pound took 57 years to write The Cantos.
And the days are not full enough.
And the nights are not full enough.
And life slips by
like a field mouse not shaking the grass.
Most families don't understand that it takes years
to write something that's really good.
But you guys are different.
You get it. You know? You're her...team!
Right, it's getting late. We should order.
Yeah. Starving, actually.
TYLER: The smugness was tangible.
Do you think I'm a failure?
No.
The fairytale is the failure -
of imagination!
I'm not really a writer, though, am I?
I'm a tinkerer. I tinker. In between frothing milk.
(TYLER SIGHS)
Come on. Let's go realign our chakras.
('SO SO' BY OTHERKIN PLAYS) ♪ I see the division
♪ I see it now
♪ I've made my decision
♪ I wanna go
♪ I see the division
♪ I see it now
♪ I've made my decision
♪ I wanna go
♪ I see the division... ♪
- TYLER: You're my team! - What?
You're my team!
♪ I see the division
♪ I see it now
♪ I've made my decision
♪ I wanna go
♪ I see the division
♪ I see it now
♪ I've made my decision
♪ I'm falling out with me again... ♪
Your round, toots.
OK. Give me...eight minutes. OK?
Large dry white wine, please.
We only have one kind of white wine.
Fine.
You could always go to a wine bar if you want a selection.
I don't need to go to a fucking wine bar.
I've been coming here for 15 years.
Give me two tequilas.
Now you're talking!
- Oh! (COUGHS) - (CHUCKLES)
I come in here at least once a week
and it's a lot nicer than me.
My dad isn't a thief, although he probably knows a few,
and as far as I know,
he's never been anywhere near the stars.
So, what do you do when you're not standing around in bars
being...enigmatic?
You really want to talk about that?
I... Oh, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
(CHUCKLES) I'm a musician.
I was either gonna say that or a waiter.
Oh, yeah. It's the pristine shirt, isn't it?
And the look of haughty servitude.
(CHUCKLES)
So, what do you do when you're not...
..standing around in bars being insulting?
(CHUCKLES) I'm a...
..barista.
Very cool.
Fuck it. It's just work.
Jim.
Laura.
TYLER: Ooh. (SIGHS)
Well, who's your fancy friend?
Jim, this is Tyler. Tyler, this is Jim.
Notable broad about town. Charmed, I'm sure.
Well, I just fell in here
for a quick nightcap on the way home, so...
It's a good place to fall.
We fall in here at least, what, once a week?
Oh, yeah.
I liked your dance moves. Especially this one...
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, that one's the electrified mongoose.
Yeah, it's very effective.
Right, I'd better hit the road.
- TYLER: It's, like, 11. - Not even!
I have to be up at five, though.
Hmm. Washing your hair?
Practising piano.
I know. What a loser, right?
Massive loser.
I bet you don't even have a smartphone.
No, I do. But I never take it to work, though.
Yeah, it started off as a failsafe
in case it ever went off during a gig,
and then it kind of became a lucky thing.
And I don't know my own number.
What kind of person are you?
A careful one.
- Hmm. - Give me your lip liner.
Oh. I don't know. Looks like a good shirt.
You'd be surprised how well it washes.
All the previous numbers have come out.
All the thousands. It's incredible, really.
There.
Right. Goodnight, then.
Gay. Definitely.
Hmm. What's this?
A Dark and Stormy.
What did you use for bitters?
Ground-up paracetamol.
Mmm. Tyler, you are a genius.
I sold my soul for mixology skills.
So, who's the big fool now? Satan, that's who! Sucker!
This is the kind of drink that undresses you.
Great. Now I've got an erection.
He had the shoes of an undertaker.
And the smile of a...despot.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Pull me up, I'll join you.
Uh, it's fine. I just need a slash.
Ooh!
(PEN SCRATCHES)
(KEYS CLACK)
(SCRATCHING AND CLACKING INTENSIFY)
- Hiya. - Hi.
Interesting choice.
I suppose I'm intrigued by all these people,
jotting down notes in their little notebooks,
not actually getting anywhere.
How do you know they're not getting anywhere?
Because they're still here, trying,
jotting down notes in their little notebooks every day.
Plus, it's the only place open this early with decent wine.
But the trying is the thing.
I've always thought we're not defined by who we are
but by who we try to be.
I always tried too hard at school.
I always did everything too hard. (CHUCKLES)
Who said that to you?
I'm only a pianist because I sit down and do it every day.
So, leave them alone.
(ALARM RINGS)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
- TYLER: Ready? - LAURA: I was born ready!
(GRUNTS)
- Whoo! Oh! - (BOTH LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
(ALARM RINGS)
(GROANS)
(ALARM RINGS)
(SIGHS)
(ALARM RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Sex is a way of reminding myself I have a body.
In my 20s, it was a way to forget.
In my 30s, it's about remembering.
What?
That I have a body.
Go on, then. Give us a tune.
- JIM: Alright. - LAURA: No!
No, no, I'm kidding! You don't have to. You don't have to.
- JIM: You're worried I might be shit. - LAURA: (CHUCKLES) I'm not.
- I'm not! - (JIM LAUGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Not bad.
Oh. Found it.
LAURA: What?
(PLAYS NOTE) The room.
Oh, my God.
- Wanker. - (CHUCKLES)
There's always one note in the piano
that makes the room resonate.
You want to avoid that one.
(PLAYS 'LIEBESTRAUM' NO. 3 BY FRANZ LISZT)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
Hello.
TYLER: Greetings and salutations.
Oh, God!
You're quoting Heathers already. Where are you?
I am sitting outside a city centre drinking establishment
and there is a chair across from me
and it is just baying for your ass.
LAURA: I am writing.
You've been at it since the crack of dawn.
New regime. This is what it takes.
What it takes, my friend, is inspiration.
(LAURA HANGS UP)
Oh!
(PHONE VIBRATES)
TYLER: I think you're stressing unnecessarily.
I'm not stressing.
You know, it's not all about the words on the page.
Nobody wrote anything good inside of a vacuum.
Yeah, but I can't create under the influence.
That is an old romantic lie and you know it.
TYLER: It worked for Hunter S. Thompson.
Hmm, did it? Did it really, though?
Fine. I'll still be here when you change your mind.
LAURA: I'm not covering for you at work tomorrow.
Ugh! "Work tomorrow, work tomorrow, work tomorrow."
Baby, I've got work tomorrow
every day for the rest of my life,
serving mocha-fucking-chicken-lattes
to students with more money than me.
I am working for The Man.
And what gives?
Only the fact that there are nights in between.
FYI, I'm buying. Correction - I have bought.
Come play.
Come on, Lolo.
How many days do we get like this in spring? In life?
(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS)
What did you say your name was again?
- Chicken Sandwich. - That's a beautiful name.
Waste of fucking time in halves, babe.
- It's not the '90s. - You got another?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(TYLER MIMICS LOUD CRASH)
Whoo! Don't mind if I do.
Are you together? Or have you got fellas?
She has recently succumbed, I am rejecting the nuclear family
in favour of an enlightened life.
- He is just my boyfriend. - Oh, official?
Who are you texting at this hour?
Jim. He's in Australia having lunch.
He thinks we're savages.
- We ARE savages. - (LAUGHS)
Wait.
- Come on. - Oh! Where are you going?
TYLER: To check our pulses!
- Come on! - (SQUEALS)
- What the fuck? - Run!
(DOGS BARK)
Come and get it! Come and get it!
(LAUGHS)
Come on, hurry up!
(BOTH YELL, LAUGH)
Mmm! Holy fuckerel! It tastes like incest.
(ROCK MUSIC THUMPS)
You don't like Jim?
I just don't think you should limit yourself.
- I think you could do better. - Like who?
Well, it doesn't have to be an actual person, does it?
We've got so many drugs!
(MUSIC POUNDS)
I am shitting, like, horribly,
a Niagara torrent of diarrhoea,
and he is right there in the bath... (LAUGHS)
..and he says, "Gerberas. My favourite."
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, God!
Who knew anyone in Dublin was into piano music?
Mmm. Wall-to-wall art douches. It's my dream Friday.
Hey. It'll be grand, like.
Seriously, you have to see him in action.
Mm-hm?
Does he play the piano
like he's making love to a beautiful woman?
(GRUNTS)
Thank you. Ooh.
Make way! Make way!
My friend's lover is the man of the hour. Excuse me.
Oh-ho-ho! Oh, my God.
- I love this place. - (CLEARS THROAT)
- So, where's the band? - (CHUCKLES)
- (WHISPERS) Yikes. For sure. - For sure.
(PLAYS DRAMATIC PIECE)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC ENDS)
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! - (TRILLS)
(LIVELY CONVERSATION)
Oh, there's Jim.
- (CALLS) Jim! - Shh! Shh! He'll be over.
- What, are we playing it cool? - We're playing it cool.
(LAUGHS) OK.
Oh, Jim.
Hi.
- Well done, my man. Chapeau! - Thank you.
Yeah, you're quite the talent. I will give you that.
So good. Kinda terrifying, actually.
TYLER: Oh, he's no more talented than you.
He's just...put his talent into action.
How do you mean?
Just like yours is...you know, it's an ongoing process.
- But the process is real. - (LAURA CHUCKLES)
- I... - WOMAN: Hey, Jim.
- JIM: Alright? - Well done, buddy.
You had nothing to worry about.
JIM: Thanks a million. Kirsten, this is Laura and Tyler.
- Hi. - Hi.
Laura, Tyler, this is Kirsten.
She does this cool contemporary flute thing.
- "Flute thing". (CHUCKLES) - JIM: Yeah.
And this is Peter on cello.
Hi.
- I like your jacket. - Do you? Thanks.
KIRSTEN: Well, we just came over to say congrats.
I've never seen so many people at one of these things.
You're the talk of the town.
- JIM: Thanks a million. - PETER: Congratulations.
Thank you, mate. Alright.
Cheers. Thanks so much for coming.
- "Talk of the town"! - Yes, he is.
We're just gonna go and get some...
- I bet you are. - ..air.
Mm-hm.
Have fun!
I feel so fucking naughty. (LAUGHS)
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(MOANS SOFTLY)
(LAUGHS) Take it easy!
- I'm a professional. - (LAUGHS)
So...
..I've been trying to write a novel.
For ten years.
What...what's it about?
- About ten pages. - (LAUGHS)
No, it's...
It's about a spider caught in its own web
and a woman who rescues it.
That's the beginning, anyway.
That sounds fucking beautiful.
I wish I could really get it going, you know?
Or...give it up. Not this...limbo.
So, why don't you?
I'm trying. I just can't...
I can't write every day. I don't have that luxury.
I'm not saying you do. I...
I know you work hard, and that is...
..motivating and heartening.
You could quit your job if you need more time.
And live off what?
I owe Tyler rent every month.
That'll leave the two of us in the lurch.
Reduce your hours, then.
I do bare minimum. (CHUCKLES)
Move in with me.
You know, you could focus.
- Focus. - (CHUCKLES)
Come on.
Don't be a fucking amateur.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- (CLINKS GLASSES) - Cheers, T.
- (VOMITS) - Oh, fuck!
- (LAURA LAUGHS) - (JIM GROANS)
I love you.
(CHUCKLES) I love you too, you fucking amateur.
TYLER: Puh-lease.
Take that lightweight home.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
And I went inside, and... (LAUGHS)
..it was an entire room of golden ocelots.
(LAUGHTER)
- Fucking weird! - Isn't that mad?
How do you titillate an ocelot?
LAURA: Dunno.
You oscillate its tits a lot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hiya. - Tyler!
- Hi! - Yes. You're here. Finally.
Sorry I'm late. I was just putting out a cigarette.
You should think about knocking that on the head, you know?
You won't get away with it much longer.
Mmm, yeah, see, I smoke for health purposes.
There's very good evidence to suggest
that smoking prevents unwanted conditions
such as inflammatory bowel disease and pregnancy.
(LAUGHTER)
So, family...
..we have a little announcement.
We're engaged! (LAUGHS)
JEAN: (SHRIEKS) Oh, my God!
(LAUGHS) Congratulations!
Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?
Aww! Amazing!
Well done.
I get it. You all think I'm gonna die, don't ye?
(LAUGHS) Stop!
No, Dad, it's not that. I...
I love him.
He's good, he's dedicated, he's talented and...
..when he plays piano, oh!
It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Will you be my matron of honour?
I'll be your matron of dishonour.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Come and have a glass of wine after, at Jim's.
A glass of wine?
Who the fuck are you?
Your best friend who just made a major life decision.
Come and have a fucking drink.
Well, let's have one now. Why not?
Two large glasses of white wine, please.
- Uh, lime and soda, please. - JIM: Same.
Are you feeling OK?
I'm fine.
Are you sure you're OK?
Absolutely.
I'm just laying off the booze for a while.
- Work's pretty full-on. - Ah.
JIM: There's wine in the fridge there.
Help yourself. I don't mind.
Oh, well, if you don't mind...
You're pissed off.
I'm not.
Your body, your choice.
Listen, I've never done a tour like this before.
I might never get the chance to again.
I know. It's just...
Let's not put ourselves out to pasture.
Let's keep having adventures.
I've never been as good at partying as you.
Not true.
So I might not be your man for... nocturnal adventures...
..but I could be your rugged beast.
Mmm.
She made me feel like I was being unfaithful to her.
No. She just loves you, that's all.
I get it.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
I thought I blocked this number.
No. No, I don't want any of it.
I said I don't want anything from him.
Hey, what is the best drink
to accompany the death of a parent?
Because I'm ready to celebrate.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
(PHONE STOPS)
JEAN: Define love.
True freedom.
Ah. So you're talking unconditional? Not romantic?
No... Well...
Alright -
maximum contact with maximum freedom.
Uh, that's not love. That's a tampon ad.
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, I got you this. (LAUGHS)
Funny, because I got you...
..this.
JEAN: (LAUGHS) Oh, God!
(HUMS)
(WHISPERS IDLY) F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...
..f-f-fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
..ffffuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fffffff...
(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: I don't know which way it happens sometimes.
I just know it happens.
That's love.
You know, but that's the funny thing about poems, right?
That they reveal something new every time you read them.
And I've tried to love other things, but, um...
..words, you know, poetry,
it's the only thing that I can come back to.
I mean, it's not like my relationship with poetry
has been consistent throughout my life.
I mean, luckily, I believe all relationships
are creative acts and they grow, change.
As is my love for poetry.
And that's the great thing about poems too.
Like, we always...
..always find something new every time we read one.
So, are you a poetry fan or a wine fan?
Poetry.
But I came for the wine.
Yeah. I don't blame you.
See, I do. I think it's like distilling whiskey, you know?
Oh, well, the first bit's crap, the last bit's crap,
but that bit in the middle, that's the good bit.
It's the same with writing.
See, I'd love to get there.
I can never seem to get beyond the first crap bit.
I...I just...I can't seem to get the clarity.
I can't seem to join up the dots.
Alright, so just stay up all night pouring it out.
Well, the world is full of glorious distraction, isn't it?
Well, you say distraction, I say inspiration.
I suppose you've finished hundreds of novels.
(CHUCKLES) No, I, um... I host these little salons
where people can try out their new stuff.
I teach, give talks. I'm a devoted reader.
I'm what you might call an enabler.
(CHUCKLES)
I like the way you drink. It's with a real sense of mortality.
It's a dying art.
Do you find wine helps you write?
(SIGHS) Not really. It...
..makes me care less about whether I write or not.
So, why write at all
if you'd rather just... care less?
How else to rage around the dark mansion?
(CHUCKLES)
You know, I'm gonna have to kiss you
if you keep talking like that.
I have to go.
Of course.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY IN BACKGROUND)
(KEYS JANGLE, DOOR UNLOCKS)
Oh!
(CAT MEOWS)
Good night?
Fabulous.
Gin and tonic?
New regime.
Huh.
You know, just a reminder - your rent is overdue.
Oh, I've been staying at Jim's. I have it. Sorry.
What's up?
I tried calling you the other night. You didn't call me back.
Has something happened?
He's dead.
Finally.
Sylvia called.
(QUIETLY) Fuck.
(SNIFFS)
No, I'm...fine.
It's not the same for me as it is for you.
(SIGHS)
So, I hear there's this dress shop
that does free fizz for brides to be.
All the bubblies you can knock back.
Sounds like a challenge.
Doesn't it?
Can I help you, ladies?
I need some kind of wedding dress.
Would you like some fizz while you're looking?
- It's complimentary. - BOTH: Yes.
TYLER: I just don't get this virginal bride stuff.
It's very problematic.
That and the idea of your father giving you away,
as if you were a human baton
being passed from one tyrant to the next.
It's...gross!
That is why my dad is not gonna give me away.
It's gonna be a very modern wedding.
Ha! The state of me!
The state of this whole shit-show.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, my friend.
There IS no such thing as a modern wedding.
All this froth,
it's all prime example of 'watch the birdie' politics.
Look at the cupcakes! Look at the cupcakes!
Meanwhile, we're gonna keep fucking you in the ass
AND paying you less.
The fuck's up with you?
Isn't marriage part of the whole system
we've been railing against all these years?
The stuff you do because you feel you should
rather than because you actually want to?
Yeah, but I do want to marry Jim.
No, you don't.
You've just been conditioned to feel that if you don't,
your life is somehow less valuable.
Let's just have a drink.
Why don't you try one on?
- Ugh! - We can do a montage!
Marriage, by definition, is archaic and oppressive.
What about gay marriage?
Is that a proposal?
If I could marry you, Tyler, I would.
I wouldn't marry you. I wouldn't put you through that.
See, I have principles.
I have principles.
And my feminism is about
blazing a new way through old traditions.
Horse pucky!
(SIGHS)
(QUIETLY) "We are not defined by how we are,
"but how we try to be."
You know none of this changes our friendship?
So you're still gonna live with me?
You could get a new housemate.
I don't want a new housemate.
- Could be fun. - I hate fun.
I thought you liked him.
I did.
He's just gotten so PR-sheeny.
He abbreviated the word 'interview' the other day.
- 'Intie'! - (LAUGHS)
I just don't understand why it has to be just him.
He's not enough.
- Can I help you, ladies? - I'll take this one.
- You're buying it?! - I am.
You could go to his for sex and then just come home to me.
See him, other lovers, AND write, AND party,
AND still be free.
Why define yourself by this one relationship?
Tell me you don't want more.
Why cut yourself off from other possibilities?
Other men. Women. Variety.
Aren't you scared of becoming too civilian?
(CHUCKLES)
Tell me you haven't wanted to. Hmm? With anyone?
MAN: How are you, girls?
(BOTH GROAN QUIETLY)
MAN: What's the matter now, love?
Is your body too bootylicious for me?
It's bored. My body is too bored.
Been shopping, have you? What's in the bag?
Blow-up dolls and ketamine.
Look, this isn't you. Alright? But it's OK.
You said yes on a crazy whim, but it's not too late.
We can get you out of this, and I'm gonna help you.
- I asked him. - What?
I asked Jim to marry me.
- Right. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Don't move a muscle, 'cause we are doing this.
- We are going deep tonight. - Yep.
- You want the same? - Definitely.
Oh, wait. I don't have any money.
Oh. Hmm...
- Well, I never. - Hi!
- And who might this be? - Um...Tyler, this is Marty.
He did a talk the other day at the Wandering Dust,
which was very inspiring.
Marty, this is Tyler, my best friend and flatmate.
- Enchan-fucking-tée. - (CHUCKLES) Hi.
Anyway, it was nice to see you.
Yeah.
TYLER: Well, why don't you join us?
OK. Um...white wine, right?
Oh! Exactly.
- You dirty dog. - Shh!
- Tell me everything. - There's nothing to tell.
Mm-hm!
Two sisters. (LAUGHS)
And I say, "OK, bozos,
"what is the worst thing you can hear
"right before having sex?"
"Put this horse's-tail butt plug in"?
(TYLER LAUGHS)
"Call me Uncle Mo."
Close! Very close. But no cigarillo.
"Make a face like you don't understand."
- (MARTY LAUGHS) - Huh? Huh?
(LAURA CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERS) He's perfect.
For who? For you?
Alright. Who fancies another?
TYLER: I do.
Nope. I have to go.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - TYLER: What?
We have to go.
(GROANS)
Mmm...
(JIM MOANS SOFTLY)
Your feet are like stones.
LAURA: (GROANS) I walked home.
JIM: Is that not dangerous?
LAURA: Not for a wolf-woman.
(SIGHS)
I love you, Jim.
I love you, Laura.
And I think you should leave your wife for me.
TYLER: They're going to build a statue of you.
LAURA: It'll be the two of us, immortalised in marble.
Recumbent.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Noble. - Mmm.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- MAN: Looking lovely, girls. - (MEN CHORTLE)
- Playtime's over, lads. - (LAURA LAUGHS)
LAURA: Let's just stay focussed on the mission at hand.
- The dress! - Yes.
The dress. The dress.
- My dress. - Number seven, right?
Uh-huh. I think so.
- It's your lucky number. - Shut it, you filthy pimp.
Marty!
- MARTY: Well, hello. - (BOTH LAUGH)
This is actually good timing. I'm having a little salon.
Just a few friends sharing their works in progress.
You guys should come up, join us.
- OK! - Yay.
(DOOR BUZZES)
(LAUGHS)
What have you got in there, anyway?
Random thoughts.
- (GASPS) I know! - What?
You should showcase yourself here tonight!
Mmm...
You could read something magnificent about me!
You could write it right now.
- (LAURA LAUGHS) - Come on.
(GROANS) I can't work under this kind of pressure!
Oh, come on! You can work something up.
It's literature, not an omelette.
Ugh! Please don't mention food.
(SINGS FOLK SONG IN IRISH)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- (SINGING CONTINUES) - Yeah...
- Thank you, Dylan. - (APPLAUSE)
- Yeah. - That was fucking beautiful.
- Hi. - Hi. Mmm.
Laura and Tyler, may I introduce you
to Dublin's finest alt-minimalist poet, Gavin?
I prefer to go by my nom de plume, the Avant Gardener.
Well, this is Laura,
and she is gonna read something tonight as well.
- Isn't that right? - Uh...
'Cause her prose are finer than the pubes of angels.
MARTY: Great. Well, we look forward to it.
Sit. Hi.
TYLER: That'll do. Again.
- (GLASSES CHINK) - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
This is good whisky.
Now, earlier tonight, we spoke about beginnings.
Right? About creating a space for new ideas.
No matter how unformed or unfinished they might be.
So...
Gavin.
Do you want to share?
This is the nuclear summer.
And I am thirsty...for sand.
Your DM...
..made me do sweat drop emojis.
And I hate emojis.
(SIGHS) That's all I have to give tonight.
- MARTY: Hear, hear. - (APPLAUSE)
Hey. Did you, uh... want to share something?
- TYLER: Yes. Yes, she does. - Uh...
Uh, um, um...hmm.
I was gonna read something
about my best friend, Tyler, um...
I feel like I'm always making notes about her.
But I've been looking through my notes, and, uh...
- (SIGHS) - Go. Go, go.
Even small tidbits are fine.
It's...a bit unformed. (CHUCKLES)
- So what? - (INHALES SHARPLY)
I always think of that... Yeats poem.
"With beauty like a tightened bow
"The kind that is not natural in an age like this."
And why try and improve on perfection, right?
"Was there another Troy for her to burn?"
Exactly.
Fucking plagiarism, Lola?
Come on. You're better than this. Read something.
"Talent borrows. Genius steals."
Hmm. I thought you were an artist.
Fuck you.
When and where am I supposed to write anything new?
In my beautiful apartment.
A hotbed of creation! (LAUGHS)
Yeah, about that - I think it's time I moved in with Jim.
I need to start taking things seriously, saving some cash.
(LAUGHS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
So, I thought Yeats was the perfect choice.
Thank you.
Although, I don't agree with you entirely.
I think you need to get over your worries about perfection,
or you're never gonna finish this novel.
- Why? - 'Cause everyone I know is writing a novel.
Do you know how many are actually gonna finish one?
Yeah, I think that's optimistic.
(CHUCKLES)
Listen, we'll talk properly tomorrow.
Roger that.
Mmm.
So, it seems like everyone is moving on.
And I think I'm gonna go with that Avant Gardener.
- (TYLER CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHS)
Yeah.
MARTY: You're, uh, welcome to stay.
I can root out your dress, call you a cab.
What's an animal's primary need?
- Food. - Sex.
Safety.
Have fun. I'll catch you later.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
TYLER: Alright.
(UNCORKS BOTTLE, POURS)
Do you partake?
- What is it? - Coke.
Hmm. An aristocrat.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, something like that.
Ladies first.
(SNORTS)
(SIGHS) Mmm.
(MARTY SNORTS)
So, Tyler was on fine form tonight.
She gets aggressive in spring.
Ah. She's quite the revolutionary.
It's about owning our bodies.
Curating our experiences based on our desires.
And do you?
Every day...
..and every night.
(GROANS SOFTLY)
(LAUGHS)
- Ah. - (LAUGHS)
(LAURA MOANS)
Can you feel that, baby?
Uh...not really. It's quite off-putting.
Well, what about this?
Listen, I ain't getting nothing off that.
OK...
How about you give me some for my nose?
Or is that not the point?
You want this up your nose?
I'd quite like some fresh.
OK.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm...sorry, I've come over all...
Engaged.
Something like that.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
TYLER: Mmm! Mmm.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)
LAURA: (SOFTLY) "..they were legion.
"A fucking mess"...
(TYLER HUMS ALONG TO JAZZ MUSIC)
(VACUUM CLEANER TURNS OFF)
Hmm. OK.
(SIGHS)
JIM: Eggs?
(LAURA CHUCKLES)
Mmm.
(JIM CHUCKLES)
- (LAURA CHUCKLES) - Mmm.
Why don't you leave some clothes here?
You could have your own drawer.
(CHUCKLES) Imagine. The luxury!
Leave some pants here. I dare you.
So...I'll move in here?
We'll live here?
What did you think we'd do?
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Bonjour.
Very nice!
Right?
You know we're going to them, they're not coming here?
Oh, I know. This is all for you.
So, what happened with, uh, "O Captain! My Captain!"?
- Got my dress back. - What a relief.
We're not drinking. We're going to meet a baby.
Well, I had nothing else to do this morning, so...
(SIGHS) I lost my job, Lo.
Two weeks ago.
They caught me doing mandy off the bean sacks.
(SCOFFS)
So I'm gonna need your rent, like...
..today.
Hey! (LAUGHS)
Whew! You two smell of...fun.
- (TYLER FARTS) - Oh!
Do try and contain yourself, Tyler. So antisocial.
Shoes, Tyler.
Yes, yes.
Hey, look at this! It's like fucking Bethlehem in here!
Tyler! What a lovely surprise.
LAURA: Jim's off to Berlin. He sends his love.
JEAN: Ooh, Berlin. Nice for some, eh?
(BABY MURMURS SOFTLY)
Oh, sis!
TYLER: We need a large bucket of ice,
preferably cold, freezing.
(MIMICS STATIC) Over.
JEAN: For fuck's sake, you're locked.
You're right.
YOU'RE 32. It's getting embarrassing.
Oh, here, someone has to break it to you.
Sooner or later, the party has to end.
BOTH: Why?
Because you get left behind and you become a tragedy.
Well, tragedy plus time equals comedy.
Jeannie, I've got something for you.
Something you're gonna like.
I don't want drugs in my house.
Oh, come on. This house is full of drugs.
Caffeine. Alcohol. Your father's antidepressants.
Your antidepressants.
You told her I was on antidepressants?!
I was trying to convince her you were still cool.
Plus, I know what you ground up in there last summer!
The night we did the macarena, hmm?
The night we kissed?
Let's do the math, shall we? That was about...
..eight and a half months ago?
Shut the fuck up, Tyler, or I swear to God,
I'll run you through with a breadknife!
(LAUGHS) There she is. Good old Jeannie.
I knew she still had that fighting spirit inside.
This is how you want to meet your niece?
I'm breastfeeding!
- (HISSES) - Oh!
JEAN: (GASPS) Oh!
(MUTTERS) Christ!
So, Laura, how's the writing coming, then?
Are you going to move in with Jim before the wedding?
Yeah...
Actually, I thought you should keep your room on as an office.
You know what? That's not a bad idea.
- What, like joint custody? - (LAUGHS)
And what's so wrong with joint custody?
A lot of families do it.
You don't have to be so 20th century about it.
And you don't have to always make everything
so difficult and unpleasant.
- Hey. - You know she does.
Do you know I do?
Aww! Mmm!
Look how beautiful my niece is.
(GASPS) Yes.
Today is all about Shirley.
JEAN: Julian! Uh...
This way, Lo!
JEAN: Put her down.
She's fine with me. What is your problem, Jean?
You're fine with your Aunty Lo.
Aren't you, Shirley, girl?
- Laura... - What? What?
(BABY CRIES)
Laura! What is wrong with you?
Uh, white wine, salt and Perrier -
that's how you get red wine out of a baby.
Get her out of here!
Fine.
Come on, Tyler. Let's go.
- Shh-sh-sh-sh. - Darling.
Did you see those cards?
"Welcome to the club - the baby club!"
Let me tell you about the baby club, my friend.
The baby club is like
one of those God-awful discotheques in Temple Bar
where it's packed with tourists
and you can't get a decent drink,
and the minute that somebody new walks in,
everybody looks at them
with this fucking desperate, manic glee,
because they're so relieved
that some other poor fucker fell into their club
after they paid 20 quid and they can't leave.
- What? - (SIGHS)
I know we come from different places,
and I am sorry about that.
You're the one who spilled the wine on the baby.
- You made the martinis. - And you drank 'em.
You're just as fucked as me!
Look, T, I...
We will always have each other, but there comes a time
when there needs to be room for other things.
Are you saying we need space?
Yeah.
I'm 30 next week.
(LAUGHS) It's fine.
Look, 30 doesn't hurt.
You sound like one of those fucking motivational cards -
"Thirty isn't hurty."
We said we'd be in New York City together
by the time we were 30.
Wait, do you hear that?
- What? - Shhh.
I don't hear anything.
Exactly.
It's the non-sound of the suburbs.
They sell it as peace,
but really, it's just death... closing in.
(JIM PLAYS PIANO SOFTLY)
(GROANS SOFTLY)
Morning.
(GRUNTS)
Want breakfast?
Hmm...no, thanks.
I'll just grab something and work through.
I can't believe you're even up after such a late flight.
I'm a machine.
So, how did it go meeting Shirley?
Did it make you broody?
Made me clumsy.
I spilled wine on her.
- What? - (CHUCKLES)
As social faux pas go, it is right up there.
Hey.
I'm letting all the sides down.
You're not letting me down.
(SIGHS)
What is it?
- What? - Huh?
Oh, listen...I think I might actually have to let you down.
I don't think I can make it to Tyler's party.
I have a thing, a...work thing,
and I just need to be super fresh, you know?
What kind of work thing? (CLEARS THROAT)
It's a recital for the board. Very fancy.
And then after, they're announcing this fellowship,
and I'm short-listed.
It's alright, though. You don't have to go.
That's...that's amazing, Jim!
- Which day is it? - Saturday.
But you don't have to go, honestly.
Yeah, you said that already.
It's fine. Tyler's party is on the Friday.
- What time is your thing? - Two.
I don't think I can manage both, though.
And you should, you know, fully explore Tyler's party.
You can't let her down.
I can function in your world, you know.
(PLAYS) I know. (CHUCKLES) I never said you couldn't.
(JIM STOPS PLAYING, WRITES)
(JIM RESUMES PLAYING)
You don't want me to come.
JIM: (STOPS) Of course I do.
(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS)
- Hey. - Hey!
Oh! How are my two favourite people?
Happy birthday.
Oh, thank you!
Mmm. It's like a roux.
It's worth it.
- Hmm. Hmm? - Nah.
- I'm gonna grab a drink. - Yes.
How come you invited him?
To keep the dream alive?
What happened between you two?
- Nothing. - Mmm. Liar.
- You can't breathe a word. - Of course not.
He was pure porno 1984.
- What? Pussy or ass? - (WHISTLES)
Wow.
- What a waste. - That's exactly what I said!
- Right? - Yes!
Oh! Please don't leave too early.
Oh, no, I won't.
Oh, I was so fucked.
And I remember I tried to go home the next day
and my mam was like...
(SNORTING)
I needed a new raison d'être.
I'm sorry.
Uh, did you want some before we clear up?
Yes.
- Yeah! - Mmmm!
(SNORTS)
(WHISTLES)
As long as I'm in bed for three, it's totally fine.
Totally fine.
TYLER: So, there was this one time
that Lo and I were at this music festival
and a proper insect fell out of Lo's vagina.
- It was my pubes! - (LAUGHS) Whatever!
Whatever. It was like a fucking tick or something.
Honestly, I thought we agreed to leave this anecdote for dinner parties.
TYLER: Well, anyways, when she got home,
she had to, like, shave the lot off.
You know, like, full Hollywood, right?
So, when she comes out of the bathroom
and I see her for the first time, I was like,
"Lo! That haircut has taken years off of you."
(MARTY AND TYLER LAUGH)
(SLOW, TRIPPY MUSIC PLAYS)
LAURA: Mmm, so, how does it feel to be 30?
(SIGHS)
Linear time is a trick of the light.
LAURA: I should probably stop at 6am on the dot.
Baby, that is so feasible, it's verging on logic.
When did everybody get so serious?
I want to go beyond analysis tonight.
I think the three of us might be the last true dreamers.
- TYLER: Amen! - I need to piss.
Sometimes the best reason is a vacation from reason.
(CHUCKLES)
MARTY: Birthdays aren't the best time
for deep-and-meaningfuls, you know?
Way too much pressure. There's too much anticlimax.
LAURA: No.
You know that Yeats line about choosing life or art?
Yeah, The Choice.
"The intellect of man is forced to choose
"Perfection of the life or of the work."
Yeah. I think that's true for women too.
When you're just running and running and you're not sure
if someone's actually following you or not.
MARTY: But you just keep running.
And you just fucking keep going, just...
And I'm swearing that the dogs are fucking following us,
'cause every bark that we hear, I'm like, "That's her dog."
She definitely has more than one dog when she's there.
- Uh-huh. - Right. 11am.
- One for the road. - OK. Let's make it count.
(VOMITS)
Are you OK?
Sign of a good night. This is the bit where I puke.
Oh!
(LAURA GARGLES)
(LAUGHS)
(BREATHES IN AND OUT RAPIDLY)
Better?
Much.
(MARTY SIGHS)
TYLER: "But by turns fascinated...
"By turns fascinated and reassured,
"his mouth, his composure, his steady, loving gaze.
"In some moments, I wanted to be owned by him."
What are you doing?
"Owned"?
That's private.
Since when? Why, what is it?
What is this bogus bullshit? I don't understand.
I mean, who are you, Jean?
You're just another one of the fucking herd?
I mean, you don't believe this?
I'm leaving, Tyler.
Wait, OK. Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
Don't forget your shades, huh?
There!
Eyyyyy!
- What is your problem? - You. This.
OK. You know what?
Why don't you just go the fuck home, then, little kiddie? Hmm?
Go bury your head in some big man's lap
and sleep the rest of your life away.
But let me tell you something.
One day, you're gonna wake up 45
and you're not gonna know how.
When you're old and grey and full of sleep...
Stop it!
Stop with the fucking poetry!
(SLAMS DOOR)
Just remember, you bailed first, Lolo!
You bailed first.
(SNIFFS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Jim!
(SNIFFS)
Isn't this amazing? Isn't Jim the greatest?
I'm so proud of you. You are so gonna win.
Look at this place.
Look at all of you. (CHUCKLES)
Um...uh, this is my fiancée, Laura.
Would you please look after her
while I get us a couple of drinks?
She's a writer.
LAURA: Well... (CHUCKLES)
..I'm more of a typist at the moment.
I aspire to be as dedicated as Jim is.
I aspire to be a lot of things, actually.
But I-I-I'm trying to nail the work-life balance,
or more like the work-party balance.
Work hard, play hard, you know.
But these days and nights are still passing in a blur.
It's like 10 years can just slip by unnoticed.
How does that even happen? Like...
A whole decade just...gone.
Anyway, so, it was...
Oh, fu...
- Shit. Sorry. - Oh!
(JIM CHUCKLES)
He's been putting himself under so much pressure.
That's OK. It's just these shoes and this floor.
Not a good combination.
We can't even say you were drunk!
You know, he's not had a drink for two months.
I haven't either.
It's a terrible thing, alcohol.
Makes...people dicks.
Mmm.
I'll, um...catch up with you later. Good luck.
Thank you.
I'll be a few minutes. (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.
(SOBS)
(APPLAUSE)
When?
Um...
Mexico.
Just after we got engaged?
(SCOFFS) The land of the golden ocelots. (LAUGHS)
It was a drunken mistake.
I was drunk.
I... (SIGHS)
I feel like...
..the reality of this isn't right for either of us.
The abstract of marriage is manifesting...
The reality is me and you, Laura.
That's not abstract. It's real.
- Did you fuck her? - No.
No.
But you touched her tits?
Yeah.
(MOANS SOFTLY)
Did you eat her pussy?
(LAUGHS)
Marty?
(SIGHS) This is just a waste of good entertainment.
JEAN: What happened?
Jim cheated on me.
- Fucking hell. - Mmm.
And I cheated on him.
Do you want a drink?
Mmm.
Tea?
(SHIRLEY FUSSES)
(SIGHS)
I'll get her.
(SHIRLEY CRIES)
Shh. Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
- (SHIRLEY CRIES) - Shh. Shh. Shh.
(SIGHS)
(SHIRLEY QUIETENS)
Things are pretty fucked up, Shirley.
What are you gonna do?
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Can I stay here tonight?
Got anything going spare in your property empire?
(CHUCKLES) It's a few flats.
OK.
Maybe I know of something small.
Small is good.
Small is all I need.
Shh, shh, shh.
(JEAN LAUGHS)
What's so funny?
You can't just put a baby on the floor
when you're done with it, Laura!
(LAUGHS) Like a handbag!
She's fine. People are hysterical about babies.
(LAUGHS)
(WIND HOWLS)
(MURMURS) Let's go to the airport. Let's go.
(MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
Let's go!
LAURA: The dawn of your new decade.
How are you feeling?
TYLER: I'm covered in fungus.
LAURA: Come on, piglet.
I'll roast you a pizza.
Arggh!
Ooh.
Thank you.
WOMAN: (ON COMPUTER) So, today I've got a solo date with him.
But no, they're supporting this.
Like, they're actually having him go on a date
and then putting her, to embarrass her, to be like,
"No, women actually... Lucky, poor them.
"They're trying to find partners.
"Too bad they can't get any.
"That's why they've got to go on this date.
- "So sad. Poor her." - (LAUGHS)
MAN: (ON COMPUTER) Yeah, so, obviously, all of us here...
(PHONE VIBRATES)
MAN: Look, you know, I'm not happy for anyone
who gets to go on a date with Stacey.
But if Rick does get a one-on-one, I'd be very upset.
WOMAN: I think this seriously would be
an incredible place to fall in love.
MAN: Stacey's gonna spend more time with one of us,
and to be there watching her enjoy a place
that she's always wanted to go.
I can't wait to go on a date with Stacey in Dublin.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
(LAURA SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES) How's that going down?
Oh, it's disgusting.
So, what do you think?
I think vodka's our only option.
Do you love me, Laura?
Not enough.
(FUNKY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)
MAN: Put the fag out, Bogart.
Or what?
Or you will feel the wrath of my jujitsu.
(TYLER LAUGHS)
Oof! I have got the major fanny gallops.
Fuck. I think I just started my period.
It might even be late.
I don't know. I sort of lost track.
It's always a relief, isn't it?
I feel weird.
20 years and it still surprises me every time.
Like a season.
(FEIGNS SNORING) Snoresville. I got the decorators in too.
Now, more importantly, what are you gonna sing?
You Oughta Know?
Actually, T, do you mind if we split?
What?
No. We only just got here.
Come on. You're developing a terrible habit of leaving.
Are you alright to just get a taxi?
WOMAN: First up, we have Tyler singing Royals.
- (APPLAUSE) - I'm up.
Come on, stay for my song.
(INTRO TO 'ROYALS' PLAYS)
TYLER: ♪ And we'll never be royals
♪ Royals
♪ It don't run in our blood
♪ That kind of lux just ain't for us
♪ We crave a different kind of buzz
- ♪ Let me be your ruler - ♪ Ruler
♪ You can call me Queen Bee
- ♪ And, baby, I'll rule - ♪ I'll rule, I'll rule... ♪
(FOOTSTEPS ECHO)
(SHIP'S HORN SOUNDS FAINTLY)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER)
(DOOR OPENS, MUSIC GROWS LOUDER)
I'm proud of you, sis.
For what?
For giving a beautiful speech.
For being here.
(JEAN SIGHS)
Bummed this off the barman.
- One of THOSE non-smokers! - Mmm. (GIGGLES)
- Give us a drag. - (GRUNTS)
Quick. Before he brings Shirley out here.
He looks sick.
Yeah.
He does.
- Hi. (LAUGHS) - Hi.
TYLER: Tell me about the next time we met.
LAURA: You were driving a tram.
It wasn't even my tram.
It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Was any of it real?
Mwah!
All of it.
Come on, you're better than this.
What it takes, my friend, is inspiration.
LAURA: Did you mean that last night?
Did you?
Yeah.
JIM: You haven't thought about the actual married bit
of being married?
I'm here.
And here.
And here, and here, and here.
And here, and here, and here, and here...
And here.
(ECHOES) And here. And here...
I'm here.
(CAT HISSES)
(TYPES)
(CONTINUES TYPING)
(FOX PANTS)
('IF I GAVE YOU A PARTY' BY SEXUAL HARRASSMENT PLAYS)
♪ If I gave you a party, would you come?
♪ 'Cause I plan hot parties, big fun
♪ If I invite you over, please come
♪ I will keep it hot, then some
♪ If I begged you to party, would you come?
♪ I've got plenty of good, hot lovin', come get some
♪ If I offered all my lovin', would you run?
♪ See, I guarantee a party and hot fun
♪ If I kissed you on your hand, would you come?
♪ If I held you in my arms, would you come?
♪ If I opened up my heart, would you run?
♪ Well, I'm throwing you a party, please come
♪ If I kissed you on your shoulder, would you come?
♪ If I kissed you all over, would it run?
♪ If I got you wet and ready for the sun
♪ Would it make you moan and want to shoot your gun?
♪ Well, I'm giving you a party, please come
♪ And I'll kiss you where you want it, so come
♪ And I'm begging you to stay, don't run
♪ I will keep myself wide open if you come
♪ Are you ready for your party? Please come
♪ I will keep you hot and hearty, come, come
♪ I am begging you to please me, please come
♪ I am giving you a party, oh, come
♪ If I gave you a party, would you come?
♪ 'Cause I plan hot parties, big fun
♪ If I invite you over, please come
♪ I will keep it hot, then some
♪ If I begged you to party, would you come?
♪ I've got plenty of good, hot lovin', come get some
♪ If I offered all my lovin', would you run?
♪ See, I guarantee a party and hot fun... ♪
(GLASSES CLINK, CORK POPS)
(NOISY CHATTER, LAUGHTER)