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- Did you see Grandma again this week?
- Yeah.
- What happened?
Ah, she said she was really worried...
"I've had depression. I know it's hard, but I had my reasons.
And I was like "I have it too. Of course I do. Just look at me!"
And she said...
"I know why... You wish you were a boy."
And I was like "No Grandma! Of course not!
It's nothing to do with that...
I'm completely comfortable in my body.
I just want to feel comfortable being a woman with short hair...
wearing the clothes I do."
She said "no, but don't you want to have surgery?
Get rid of your breasts? Don't you hate your body?"
And I was like "no, Grandma. No way!" And I kept trying...
I kept explaining it to her for like ages!
Then I just...
- Ya, turn over for me?
- Rá, lie on Yaki's tummy.
- Higher up.
- No, near her chest. That's it.
- Raise the arm without the tattoo.
- Without the red one!
- Higher, higher.
- I just can't let my hair grow anymore.
I tried, I swear!
– But when was the first time you shaved it?
2015. After the sit-ins. It was around then.
I arrived at the Fernão school sit-in with it shaved already.
– I shaved mine around the time of the sit-ins too.
- I met you when you had it short, but Lana still had it long.
– Lana had that Emo fringe, that she hates us talking about!
I've never been an Emo in my life. For fuck's sake!
- But it was an Emo fringe.
It was a fringe! People just say a fringe is an Emo thing. Come on!
A fringe is just a fringe!
It doesn't mean anything!
- She even turned-off the clippers!
- Really?
- Hey, don't piss her off or she'll fuck up my hair!
- I'll run trough here!
- Lana, a bit more to the side. The other side.
Looks nice.
- Thanks.
– Want me to cut yours now? – Sure.
– After I shaved my head we broke up.
– We met up as friends...
and he said to me
“Ah, Ananda, I saw you shaved your head...
just don't become too much of a dyke, coz I still wanna go out with you, OK?"
Men...
"I never thought about, like, cumming with you and...
shut the fuck up!", you know? – You should have said that!
– I used to say to my friends I was like asexual and shit...
and there was no way I was a lesbian...
because I'd always been really feminine.
I didn't think lesbians could be feminine, ya know?
That's fucked up.
– That's a lot of guys. – A lot of guys?
– A lot of guys.
– And, like, these guys aren't gonna take us seriously.
It's the same everywhere.
Say, like, for exemple, we had a tambourine.
If it was a guy over here playing the tambourine he'd say "Hey, get in!"
But he just asked for it and gave it to a guy, ya know?
Didn't even ask if Elis knew how to play it or anything.
There are no girls participating in the music itself, ya know.
They just watch... It's always the same.
He can't even play properly.
Hey, come on! Let's put our chairs behind them!
– Seriously, come on! – Oh, do we have to?
– Hey, Bro, can I play the tambourine with you guys?
– Go for it.
– Cool.
Anyway you're beating the shit out of it, man!
Today I came to tell you
That in a second your life will change
When the world goes silent
In silence the body speaks
And heats up the heart
It's easier to feel The sense of eternity
Let feelings flourish
And they'll make you grow
Let feelings flourish
And they'll make you grow
Going out with the girls I always felt like a voyeur.
As if I was there, watching...
but not part of what was going on.
So I always thought this is shit in my head...
that I should stop being such a drama queen and then...
I felt really lonely, like there was nobody close to me.
Then I went to the Candomblé house and things began to get better.
Loneliness is something that always...
it's one of my biggest fears in life. To be alone.
I know there's all that about keeping yourself company.
But at the same time I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel lonely.
– But this thing about being lonely by yourself...
and feeling comfortable with that is a process that has to happen.
But it's not something you can force. – Yeah.
– Loneliness isn't solitude, is it? You have to be OK by yourself.
Loneliness is when you really feel excluded and alone
and everything around you makes you feel that way.
When I started working I was scared coz of my hair.
I'd always had a black power Afro. I never straightened it.
– And your Mum never wanted you to straighten it?
– I was lucky because my Mum was always a militant...
– My mum was never aware of reclaiming her black identity.
– Yeah, my mum was a rebel for her time.
She was raised at an orphanage, you know?
She used to run away to watch "Os Racionais" in concert.
It was when they first started.
So she grew up with this positive message.
That we don't have to adhere to a white aesthetic.
So I was lucky.
When I was younger, I always wanted to straighten my hair.
But she never let me.
It didn't matter if I begged or cried or got on my knees.
Lots of white people associate Afro hair with dirt, you know?
So I used to compulsively wash it, like every day.
I used to put perfume on my scalp! Can you believe it?
Seriously! I was afraid people would think I was dirty.
After I cut my hair and stopped straightening it, I started...
well, at first it was a shock. I cried and didn't leave home...
or go to school even. I didn't want to do anything.
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I felt horrible.
But now... Man... I look at the pictures from before
it wasn't even straight. It wouldn't stay straight.
It was just ugly. I'd say, man... look at this ugly mess.
But today I feel better about looking at myself in the mirror.
Now I think it's beautiful. My hair is awesome!
– That happened to me between 4th and 5th grade.
– I used to have it in braids, always. – Like tied up?
My mum would make two braids and send me to school.
Then one day my mum was really sick.
She couldn't get out of bed. So there was no one to do my hair.
So I had to let it down and go to school like that.
I'd never been to school with my hair down until then.
I remember I was really embarrassed.
I was so ashamed I asked a teacher to go to class with me...
What if...
I thought of a melody for the lyrics I wrote.
She comes from the Ocean She comes from pain
Resistance is a woman, girl, flower
Breakwater, break the tide
Break the tide, woman
Breakwater, break the tide
Break the tide, woman
– What if we used this as a base, but we sang two lines?
Two of us sing this and the other two sing something else?
It comes from within...
Maybe the moment she figures out what she wants to share...
and what she wants to be for people...
a whisper, her presence is a scream.
I thought we could say something like that.
– It was a whisper and now it's a scream?
– From the inside to the outside, from a whisper to a scream.
Dressed from the inside out a whisper becomes a scream
Let's take it from the top, from "She comes from the Ocean"
She comes from the Ocean She comes from pain
Resistance is a woman, girl, flower
She comes from the Ocean She comes from pain
Resistance is a woman, girl, flower
Ok so... "dressed from the inside out..."
Is that it? Is that right? If not, I'll cross it out.
I read some research that said that our political protests...
since 2013, left people traumatized.
It is equivalent to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
PTSD...
I have problems with loud bangs not just fireworks.
Any loud noise that catches me by surprise.
It always kicks off a reaction, like I get breathless and stuff.
One of the protests was really traumatic for Lana and me
it was the cause of my anxiety and panic attacks and stuff.
It was with the school kids when we closed-off a street.
And suddenly the police arrived with stun grenades.
So we ran away and closed-off another street and then...
The riot police arrived, with military and others.
Man, there were so many police that day...
six helicopters in the sky.
They had guns pointing at us and they'd cut us off.
So they surrounded us at this narrow street.
– You know those shields? – The ones the riot police use?
Yeah, they surrounded us and made a circle. We had to kneel.
Everyone was on the floor with their hands up.
– All high school kid? – Yeah.
Then they started throwing grenades in the middle of the circle.
Lots of grenades
Lana passed out and then me and about 10 of us...
Get out of the Ocean, my mermaid And come play by yourself
Get out of the Ocean, my mermaid Get out of the Ocean
And come play in the sand
Get out of the Ocean, my mermaid And come play by yourself
– Guys, happy New Year!
– Happy New Year.
– Wow, what a sudden goodbye.
– Hey, not even a hug?
– We're staying here together for the countdown to midnight.
– What time is it?
I'm going to ask Oxalá Oxalá is my guide
It was Oxalá who sent you
So much searching with no answers
– One minute left! – One minute!
– ¡Un minuto! – Put your earphones on.
I've come to open the doors
Love has brought me here
All the hate in this house turn around and don't look back
I've come to open the doors
Mother nature brought me here
Bless your sons, my God
Bless Earth, Fire, Water and Air
– I think we're going to be lucky, coz we started off singing, right?
– Lots of luck for us. Lots of axé.
– I love you all a lot
- I love you too.
– Lots and lots and lots.