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(soft string music)
(static humming)
- [Rob] From NPR News in Washington, I'm Rob Westerfield
with these top stories at the bottom of the hour.
An irrepressible website that went viral over
the Christmas weekend is causing considerable
consternation in governments around the globe.
The site streams an unflinching live
up-skirt view of a woman's genitals
as she goes about her daily activities.
Even the United States has been unsuccessful
in shutting it down.
To gain more insight into this breaking story
we have our Pentagon correspondent Chandra Mitterandra
on the line.
Good morning, Chandra.
- [Chandra] Good morning, Rob.
- [Rob] So what's the Pentagon's position on gamcamgrrl.com?
- [Chandra] Several sources I've talked to fear
this untraceable website could be the opening salvo
of a foreign Cyber attack on the U.S.
to probe and possibly even penetrate
our digital defenses.
- [Rob] But both China and Russia--
(speaking in foreign language)
- My alarm didn't go off.
- I'm going to make dumplings tonight.
Your favorite.
- Mmm.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll be back at five. - Okay, okay.
- [Rob] Therefore should have the ability
to pull the plug on it.
- [Chandra] I brought that up to Thomasine Woodley earlier--
♪ There's a door I came through to get onto this train ♪
♪ And before that I stood in the station ♪
♪ To keep out of the rain ♪
♪ On this train between stations ♪
♪ Chasing the horizon ♪
♪ Train between stations ♪
♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪
♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- [Crowd] Hungry Lice.
- [Announcer] Level three.
(grunting)
- I see you're reading about the Gam Cam Grrl.
- Oh, I just, uh, couldn't help but read it,
right there on the front page staring me
right in the, Face!
Wow.
That's it?
That's what it looks like?
- Don't tell me you've never seen one
of these before?
- Yeah, of course, but not on someone's phone like that.
- Come on, you never did any sexting in high school?
- Uh, no, I never did.
- What's that thing on your leg?
- What, what thing?
- That thing on your ankle?
That's not an up-skirt camera is it?
- No. - If it is,
I'm really gonna be pissed.
- No.
It's a GPS tracking device.
I have to wear it for the next three years
while I'm on parole.
- Parole?
- Yeah, I just got out of prison about a month ago.
Right before Thanksgiving.
- What were you in prison for?
- Bank robbery.
I know it sounds bad but it wasn't like I walked
up to the teller window with a gun or anything.
- [Announcer] Game over!
- She took a shower yesterday
but she was wearing a mask.
Gloves too.
She's always wearing gloves when her hand
gets anywhere near the proscenium.
Speak of the devil.
- She's waking the wombat again.
- Same time as yesterday.
- Something wrong with the monitor?
- No.
No, it's on.
It's just a short in her lighting system.
- No, this is definitely deliberate.
She's flashing the lights on and off in Morse Code.
(gentle music)
- The 14 numbers displayed in Morse Code
match the Bureau of Prisons ID number and release date
for inmate Shane Mathias Antar.
Recently released on parole
from the Federal Penitentiary at Victorville.
He currently lives with his mother in the Palms area
of Los Angeles.
Notify the L.A. office I'm on the next flight out.
- 21 violations of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.
He hacked the Bank of Western Ems Levee in Germany.
Made off with almost 10 million euros.
- And he gave all that money away to charities
I remember that.
He was a sort of a folk hero in the hacking community
for a while.
The Robin Hood of the Internet, they called him.
- His father was an American citizen.
Taught English at Shanghai U.
Shane's mother was one of his students.
She was 19 when they got married, moved back to Los Angeles
where Shane was born in 1989.
- I just tapped into the GPS on Shane's ankle monitor.
He's near the corner of Hill and Third.
A business called Greater Prose Groceries and Books.
- Yeah, but Fool, what'd you expect her to do
when you told her you were a bank robber though?
- I thought she'd appreciate honesty.
- There he is on Aisle T.
Do we have audio yet?
- Trying to hack into his phone mic now.
- I see the terms of his parole prohibit him
from using any devices with internet access.
So that's why he's got any old flip phone.
- I just broke into his phone.
It was not easy, believe me.
- Dude, it's part of the mating ritual.
You have to fluff up your fricken feathers
like the peacocks do.
You can't let 'em think
that you're some run-a-the-mill turkey out in the barnyard
trying to get some tail.
- Where's the tarragon?
- All spices are on Aisle S,
between Sense and Sensibility
and Stranger In A Strange Land.
- Thanks. - Welcome.
Hey.
Hey, fool.
When's the last time you got any?
- Seven years.
- Damn!
My bad.
- It was the night before I went in.
Debra.
My last girlfriend in college.
- Fool, you have to learn how to lie
if you wanna get laid.
No girl is gonna hook up with some guy
that just got out of the slammer.
Especially one that's bagging groceries
for $10 an hour.
- I'm not looking for a one-night stand.
I want a real relationship.
- Yeah, good luck with that.
- Oh, gotta love those Greater Prose salads.
Is that a Sunflower Serenade?
- No, it's Arugula Quinoa Tango.
- Oh, that's a good one too.
Hey.
I'm Karol.
- Shane.
- Pleasure meeting you, Shane.
So you, uh, you work at Greater Prose?
- Yeah.
Uh, part-time.
I'm finishing up my doctorate at UCLA.
- Sounds like he's taking his buddy's
advice and feeding her a load of bull.
- Either that or they're talking in code.
- FBI has boots on the ground for remote visual.
- Getting facial recognition
on the contact now.
I've got a match.
Caroline Miriam Angelikis.
29 years old.
Aspiring stand-up comic.
Presently unemployed.
- Do you ever go to comedy clubs?
- No.
Sounds like fun though.
- Well that's great you said that
because I'm doing a five minute spot
at the Mata Hari tonight, tomorrow night and Thursday.
I've been doing Sunday open mics
there for years and this is the first time they've given
me an actual time slot that I can put on cards
so I can give them to people to come out.
I really need a good turn-out.
- 8:00 p.m.
I'll be there.
- Great, awesome!
Okay, thanks so much, I'll see you then.
And bring as many friends as you can!
Like a lot.
A lot of friends and people.
Mom, dog, parents, grandparents.
- [Announcer] Hungry Lice.
(grunting)
- Hi.
Oh, I see you're playing Hungry Lice.
What level are you at?
- Level Seven.
- Cool.
I'm at level eight.
Speaking of eight, I'm doing a show tonight
at The Mata Hari, at 8:00.
- I don't do comedy.
- Well, why don't you give it to somebody who does.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the hungry lice bite.
- [Announcer] Game over!
(phone rings)
- Hey, Mom!
- They're speaking Mandarin.
- I knew a major player like China
had to be behind something as sophisticated as this.
- I wonder how you say proscenium in Chinese?
♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪
♪ She's gonna start at your feet ♪
- Let's give a warm, Mata Hari Club welcome
for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!
♪ And then she'll keep on chomping all the way up ♪
♪ Without stopping you'll become another dropping ♪
- Thank you, Harold.
And I wanna thank all of you for coming out tonight.
All six of you.
Well, all seven if you include the waitress.
Uh, and while I'm thanking everybody
for coming I wanna call out a special thanks to you, Harold,
for not coming in my mouth last night. (chuckles)
Um, any L.G.B.T. folks in the audience tonight?
Come on, come on, don't be shy.
Be proud!
Yeah, you!
Which letter are you?
I mean, you're obviously not an L
so you're either a G, B or T, so which one is it?
- G. - G!
Gee whiz, I would have never guessed.
I mean, it's so hard to tell what anybody is now
these days with all the letters going around,
it's like you walk into a singles bar
and it's like diving into a bowl of alphabet soup.
It's not even LGBT anymore,
now it's LGBTQ.
And some people take it even further and say
it's LGBTQAI.
I mean at this rate in another year
or so we're gonna sing the entire fucking Alphabet Song
just to get somebody's sexual preference.
But for brevity's sake, since I only have like
five minutes up here or something, uh,
we'll just stick with LGBTQ, shall we?
Hey, Mister Gee, do you know what the Q stands for in LGBTQ?
- Queer or questioning.
There's some irony here, folks.
Here I am, questioning a gay guy about queer or questioning,
so therefore I must qualify
as a Q because of the mere fact that I am
asking a question.
So, thank you, Mr. G,
for clarifying my sexual orientation.
I have now officially joined the LGBTQ
community because I am, in fact,
a Q because I'm questioning
what the fuck the letter Q means.
Am I making myself perfectly queer?
Hey!
What?
What the, I, five, what?
You can't give me my cut-off cue already!
Boy, five minutes flies by fast
when you're on stage having fun, doesn't it folks?
You know, maybe I should have let the M.C.
come in my mouth last night so I can slide
an extra minute on my routine.
But the point I was trying to make,
and I had this whole monologue prepared to say it,
is that we're, we're all part of the LGBTQ community
because we're all questioning, we're all Q's.
Even this cute little Asian guy over here.
Hey, Mr. LGBTQ, what kind of sandwich
are you eating?
- A BLT.
(laughing)
- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen!
♪ When digestion's complete ♪
- Let's hear it for Miss Karol Angelikis.
- That's Karol with a K.
- Okay.
We'll have, uh, Tommy Miller up in five minutes
so you guys stick around.
- Did you get the BLT line?
- No, that gay guy's head was in the way.
- (sighs) Oh!
Sam, wasn't it?
- Shane.
- Oh yeah, Shane.
Um, Shane, honey, I need you to come over
to my apartment and bring the rest of this sandwich.
Hey, can we get a doggie-bag over here?
♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪
- A BLT? - Uh, like one more time
but with a little bit more emotion.
- A BLT.
- Uh, no, let's try it one more time:
what kind of sandwich are you eating over there, Mr. LGBTQ?
- A BLT.
- Uh, a little less forced.
- A BLT.
- And, cut.
That's a wrap.
- Okay, I'll have this edited in and up
on YouTube in about a half an hour.
- Thank you so much for doing this, Shane.
You are such a doll.
- No biggie.
Glad I could help.
- Uh, can I get you anything to drink?
You want, like, a rum 'n coke?
- Uh, you have any orange juice?
- Yes, I do, in fact.
I have now officially joined the LGBTQ community
because I am, in fact, a Q because I'm questioning
what the fuck the letter Q means.
I make a pretty bad-ass screwdriver.
Am I making myself perfectly queer?
Hey, Lulu, um, didn't you say
that you have some editing software back at home
on your home computer that you could use?
- It really doesn't matter, I um...
Oh, you know, yeah,
I have some better software at home.
Um, I'll see you tomorrow.
Nice meeting you, Shane.
- Oh, bye, Lulu. - Bye.
- So you wanna screwdriver, Shane?
- Uh, to be honest, I never really liked
the taste of vodka.
- Then why don't we cut to the fucking chase then.
(intense music)
♪ Blasted all over the papers ♪
♪ Blurted all over the news ♪
♪ Some things you wanna do some say aren't good for you ♪
♪ Some say that you should say no ♪
♪ Oh, there's that N-word again ♪
♪ I hear it wherever I go ♪
♪ Oh I've been good now and then the moon shinin' brightly ♪
♪ You do so excite me tonight ♪
♪ Babe i just can't say no ♪
♪ I just can't say no. ♪
- What the fuck is this thing?
- It's, it's, uh, part of my study for my PhD.
- What?
- It it, it measures my pulse rate.
- Uh, well, your pulse rate
is about to go through the fucking roof, Buddy.
Okay, my yoga pants are entangled in this.
Can we undo this thing?
Can we take it off? - No, no, no, I can't.
It would, uh, ruin the study.
It, it has to stay on 24/7
or it leaves a gap in the data.
♪ No ♪
♪ Just can't say ♪
- Fuck!
(beeping)
(dial tone rings)
- LAPD. - This is DOC Officer Daniels
reporting a GPS disable attempt in progress.
♪ Give it to me one time ♪
- Finally!
Why is your ankle monitor blinking?
- I don't know.
It's never done that before.
- Does this mean your pulse rate is rising?
- That and a few other things.
- I like it when a guy goes down on me first.
- Well, tonight's your lucky night.
♪ Just can't say no ♪
♪ Here is a highway less traveled ♪
- Yeah, baby, show me what you've got.
♪ Where there's adventure within ♪
♪ If life's what you make it let's run through it naked ♪
♪ just meet me right after the show ♪
(rapid knocking)
♪ Let's go now, oh ♪
- LAPD!
Open up!
- Yeah. (moaning)
That's it!
Oh!
Oh my God!
Yes!
Oh! (rapid knocking)
- LAPD!
Open the door!
(moaning)
♪ Just can't say no ♪
- [Karol] Yeah that's it!
Oh, right there!
(moaning)
♪ I just can't say no ♪
♪ Just can't say ♪
♪ Just can't say no ♪
♪ Just can't say ♪
- Oh, what the fuck?
- LAPD!
Keep your hands in the air!
- You have no right to barge in like this!
- Shane Mathias Antar?
- Yes.
- You're under arrest for parole violation.
- Parole?
- Tampering with your GPS device.
Put your pants on, Kid.
- You said that your GPS was for your PHD project.
Yeah, yeah, pulse rate, my ass!
- I'm sorry, Karol.
I lied.
I spent the last seven years in prison for bank robbery.
- Oh, uh-huh.
Bank robbery.
What's it gonna be next, you know,
my last ex-boyfriend was a car thief.
Who's it gonna be now?
An ax murderer?
- Turn around and put your hands behind your back.
Excuse me, hey!
Where are you going?
- Mm, there.
- What is your name?
- Karol. - Karol what?
- Angelikis.
- Do you have any ID, Karol Angelikis?
- Oh my God, I cannot believe this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Ow! - Hey!
You can't go fishing in my underwear like that!
- I'm searching for weapons.
- Private property.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- That's not a weapon, FYI.
That's, uh, I, I--
- In the wrong hands anything can become a weapon.
Thank God we got him before he skipped town.
- Um, who are you?
- He's my parole officer.
- You screwed up, Shane.
Guess who's going back to Victorville?
- Come on.
Say goodbye, Gracie.
- Curt Dunkin, FBI.
I just received orders to take Mr. Antar
into federal custody.
- On whose authority?
- Thomasine Woodley, Deputy Director
of the National Security Agency
and United States Cyber Command.
- Can't get much higher than that now, can ya?
- I'm Shane's parole officer
from the Department of Corrections.
Would someone mind telling me
what this is all about?
- I'm sorry.
That's classified.
(intense music)
- Wipe your mouth, Shane.
You look like you ate a glazed donut.
What do you know about the Gam Cam Grrl?
- Today is the first day I even heard of her.
It was on the radio.
I saw the article in The Times too.
Oh, and this girl on the train showed it to me
on her phone.
- This morning she relayed a message
in Morse Code.
14 numbers identical to your Prison Register ID
and release date.
- Has to be a coincidence.
- Coincidence, with the odds a million times
higher than winning the lottery.
- I'm telling you: I didn't even know
about her till today.
I'm not allowed to use the internet so I get
my news the old-fashioned way.
You know: newspapers and TV.
Sometimes even the radio.
- We're willing to pay you $5,000 a week
plus medical and dental.
We'll get the DOC to drop the restrictions
on your internet access
just help us find who's responsible for this.
- I really appreciate the job offer,
but like I said: I don't want to work
for the NSA.
I'd rather work at the grocery store.
- The third house on the right.
- How do you know where I live?
- Shane, the NSA knows everything.
(gentle music)
- Hey, wanna heat dinner for you?
- No, that's fine, I already ate.
I had a sandwich at the comedy club.
- Oh.
Hey, how's your date?
- Not so good.
Started out fine, but things sort of ended
on a sour note.
- What went wrong?
- Yeah, I didn't want her to know
I was a convicted felon.
So I lied about who I was.
- You don't have to lie.
Just be yourself.
Somebody will love you the way you are.
- Right, Mom.
♪ She's gonna start at your feet ♪
- [MC] Let's give a warm, Mata Hari Club welcome
for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!
- How many times do I have to tell you, Karol?
All men are liars.
- Thank you, Harold. - Just like your father.
- Yeah, you're probably right about that.
And I want to thank all of you for coming out tonight.
And while I'm thanking everybody
for coming I wanna call out a special thanks to you, Harold,
for not coming,
in my mouth last night.
Any LGBT folks in the audience tonight?
C'mon, you!
- What, are you watching television?
- No, it's my YouTube video from last night.
I only have five views.
Did you watch it, Mom?
I sent you the link.
- When are you gonna get a real job, Karol?
You're almost 30 years old.
- Comedy is a real job, Mom!
Come on, we've had this conversation like
a million times.
- I cannot be supporting you the rest
of your life.
You need to get a real job.
You need to find a decent man.
And you need to settle down
before it's too late!
- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen.
- You know and stop sleeping
with all those criminals you keep bringing home.
- The happy nap DNA analysis traces Shane's
lineage back to Emperor Genghis Khan.
- Who isn't related to Genghis Khan?
The guy had over 4,000 children
with more than 2,000 wives.
Do the exponential math on that one.
- She's waking the wombat again.
- 7:30 a.m., Pacific Standard time.
- [Both] Same time as yesterday.
- [Lydia] And the day before.
- She seems to be establishing a fixed
event schedule like the broadcast networks do.
- To get the audience to tune in at a specific time.
Why?
- Twice as much usage as yesterday's wombat awakening.
- That's why.
She's growing her audience.
When was the last time she watered the calla lilies?
- About 3 1/2 hours ago at 3:43.
- This is different.
- Yesterday it was blinking the lights
in Morse Code.
- Today it's blackjack?
- I see more than two cards.
- New style of Texas Hold 'Em, maybe?
- She's definitely got something up her sleeve.
- My name is Cami Fawlkes.
I think outside the box?
- Apparently Fawlkes is pronounced Fox.
- The name of me.
Contains the key.
To opening the locks.
- It's a poem.
The name of me contains the key.
- It's almost like Guy Fawkes,
except she spells her name with an L in it.
- Maybe the L is the key?
- Let's run the full limerick
through the Jaguar at Oak Ridge, see if it can uncover
any hidden gems.
- Any luck getting Shane Antar on board to join our team?
- No, I drew a blank.
I did get a good read on him on our ride home last night.
He's an altruist, for sure,
but with this self-righteous streak.
Possibly even a trace of what they like to call
The Mighty Mouse Syndrome.
- He wants to be the one who saves the day!
- Exactly.
- Well, If we wanna catch Mighty Mouse,
I think I found the perfect damsel in distress.
- I should have listened to my mother.
I mean, she warned me about dating criminals.
But did I listen?
Of course not.
So last night I went home with this convicted felon.
Bank robber.
Just got out on parole.
I'll call him Mr. LGBTQ
because he was sitting right there eating his BLT.
So we get back to my apartment and he starts
going down on me and you know how some guys
just kind of dawdle around down there like
they're about to fill out a government form to ride
the wild bull in the rodeo,
but this guy was no slouch, okay,
this guy knew his geography,
and when I say Geography it's with a Capital G,
like G-spot, ladies!
Okay, so he's eating me out and I'm sitting there thinking
where the fuck did this guy
learn to eat pussy like this?
He sure as shit wasn't gettin' no pussy in prison!
I mean, maybe he's some kind of like fucking prodigy
like Mozart or something.
I don't know.
Whatever the case, but there I was on my bed
blasting off like a fucking rocket ship
to Mars when hey, what's this?
Deja vu all over again?
- Caroline Miriam Angelikis?
- Uh, yeah?
Is there a problem?
- We have a warrant for your arrest.
- Wait, arrest?
For what?
- Assaulting a police officer in the line of duty.
- Huh, oh, yeah yeah, I saw this act
at a friend's bachelorette party one time, yeah.
Um, where's the boom box, guys?
Did one of my friends put you up to this?
- Step down, please. - What?
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, okay, wait!
This is getting way too realistic here.
Oh, so the punchline of the story is:
if only I would have listened to my mother I could
have just become a dental hygienist and married a doctor!
Maybe a lawyer!
Hey, wait!
I could really use a lawyer right now!
Is there a fucking lawyer in the house?
(dramatic music)
I slapped his wrist
because he had his grubby fingers in my panty drawer!
- It's still assault and battery on a peace officer
in the line of duty.
Punishable by up to 20 years in jail.
- The worldwide internet hack known as gamcamgrrl.com
has just completed its fifth day
of unfettered operation without any government
being able to shut it down.
We have Deputy Director of the National Security Agency,
Thomasine Woodley on the line
to discuss the global ramifications of this,
immediately after this commercial.
- Hello?
- Shane!
Shane? - Yes?
- Hi.
Yeah.
It's Karol.
Karol Angelikis.
Um, I'm, I'm really sorry I'm calling
you so late right now but I--
- No, I'm the one who should be sorry for lying
to you the way I did.
- Oh, yeah yeah, that's all water under the bridge.
- Hey, uh, how'd you get my number?
- Uh, they gave it to me here at the police station.
- Are you in some kind of trouble?
- Yeah, listen, okay, I'm in really deep shit.
And they said you're the only one who can pull me
out from under the pile.
♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪
- Okay, here's the deal: if my client,
during his employment with the NSA,
helps to uncover the source of this Gam Cam Grrl network,
he will be granted a full presidential pardon
and his entire criminal record will be expunged.
- That's a tall order.
We're gonna have to go through the appropriate channels.
- I think for something as important as this,
you can go right to the top.
- [Man] Sorry to disturb you
at this late hour, Mr. President.
- [President] No problem, Doug,
I was still up tweeting about this Gam Cam Grrl thing.
I think I got it figured out, I've had a lot
of experience in that area, you know.
Know who I think is behind it all?
North Korea.
Think about it: Pyongyang.
Pyongyang!
Get it?
It's just a few letters off from Poontang!
- Thank you.
I'll be on the corner of First and Main
in about a minute.
- Shane!
Mmmm.
Thank you for getting me off.
- You're welcome.
- How'd you do it?
- I just licked the alphabet is all.
- No, no, no I'm not talking about last night,
I'm talking about tonight.
Like, how did you get them to drop
all my charges?
- I took a job at the Federal Building up the street.
Starts tomorrow.
Can we walk?
I have a cab coming for me downstairs.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, what's your new job?
- They want me to help them find the Gam Cam Grrl.
- Wait, that cunt that keeps showing her twat
on the internet?
Are you serious, Shane?
That's really funny, that's definitely
not your new job--
- I'm not kidding, Karol.
That's my new job.
And it comes with full medical and dental benefits.
- Okay.
Hey, uh, why don't we just have the cab take
us back to my place.
You know, we can pick up where we left off last night
you know, before we were so rudely interrupted!
Come on in.
Take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable.
(upbeat music)
♪ I met this lady it was after payday ♪
♪ At a mini mall opening sale ♪
♪ She was coughin' down pizza said her name was Lisa ♪
♪ And she just got let outta jail ♪
♪ Said her cell was brimmin' with the kinds of women ♪
♪ That the cops pulled off of the street ♪
♪ Some were downright friendly and incidentally ♪
♪ They taught her the right way to eat ♪
♪ Back at her apartment was a work of art ♪
♪ That she had ripped off of the police ♪
♪ It was quite erotic and she said she got it ♪
♪ As a conversation piece ♪
♪ Our talk got dirty right around 8:30 ♪
♪ And I slowly worked my way down ♪
♪ Then my nose got pushed into a burnin' bush ♪
♪ So I started rootin' around ♪
♪ She likes it over easy ♪
♪ She loves it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ She needs it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪
♪ We were topsy-turvy where it gets real curvy ♪
♪ We were both by then in the raw then I got too reckless ♪
♪ And a pearly necklace just appeared right under her jaw ♪
♪ But I kept on goin' till my seed was sowin' ♪
♪ And I'd lost that primary urge ♪
♪ Yeah I kept on feedin' while she kept repeatin' ♪
♪ Sayin' baby I'm right on the verge ♪
♪ She likes it over easy, ♪
♪ She loves it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ She needs it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪
♪ She needs it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ She likes, she likes, she likes, she loves it ♪
♪ Over easy ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ She really needs it ♪
♪ Over easy yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ She craves it ♪
♪ Over ♪
- Thank God you don't have that fucking
ankle bracelet anymore.
- Ditto.
Free at last, free at last.
Now if I recall,
where we last left off,
was somewhere down here
in the nether regions.
- Oh yeah.
No loss of memory cells there, baby.
Oh yeah, you're really really turning me on.
Which reminds me, I need to turn my phone back on.
Those bastards turned it off when they took
my phone from me.
Oh yeah, no, that's the money, Shane.
Yeah, I meant to ask you where you learned
how to, how to, how to...
347 new messages!
Arrest for what?
What the fuck?
- Assaulting an officer in the line of duty.
- Oh, yeah yeah,
I saw this act at a friend's bachelorette
party one time, yeah.
Um, where's the boom box, Guys?
Did one of my friends put you up to this?
Oh my fucking God!
12 million views!
I've gone viral!
- Did you see it?
- I can't fucking believe it!
- 12 million views!
- I know!
- 12 1/2 million now!
Oh my God! - Oh!
This is even better than sex!
Yeah, and speaking of sex, look who's here.
Say hi to Lulu, Shane!
- Oh, hi, Lulu.
- Hi, Shane!
- That's what I call doing FaceTime!
- Hey Karol, there's somebody here
at the Mata Hari who wants to talk to you.
- Hey, Karol, how's it goin'?
Look, I wanna bump you up to a featured spot.
Can you be here tomorrow at, say, 10 o'clock?
- Fuck yeah!
That's a paying spot, isn't it?
- Yeah, 50 bucks!
- Oh, I'm there! - Awesome.
- Karol, you have to get down here!
There's so many people who want your autograph!
- Look, there she is!
- Look, it's her!
Ah!
- It's Karol Angelikis!
- (laughs) Get down here!
- Okay!
I'm coming right now!
See you soon.
Oh my God, Shane, come down with me to the Mata Hari with me
it's gonna be-- - I'd love to,
but it's almost midnight
and I start my new job at seven in the morning.
- Okay, um, alright, I gotcha.
'My house is your house'
I want you to move in with me and be my boyfriend.
- Really, just like that?
We haven't even-- - Yes, no, shush.
I know a good thing when I see it
and you're the best fucking thing that's ever happened
to me, okay?
When I get home tonight I'm gonna ride you like a horse
in the fucking Kentucky Derby!
First place!
Blue ribbon.
Blue skies, nobody in the lead.
Just us.
Riding into the sunset.
I'm gonna ride you, your dick, into the sunset.
Bye, I'll be back!
(phone rings)
- Chad, I want you to bring Shane up to speed
on everything we have on the Gam Cam Grrl up to this point.
- You got it.
- And at lunch hour, take him shopping
for a new suit.
You can use the agency credit card.
- Thanks.
- We must maintain a certain office decorum.
- Can't dress too cas to sit at a desk and stare
at a vagina all day.
- Oh.
That reminds me, Shane, I forgot to give you a copy of this.
The Gam Cam Grrl website not only poses a threat
to national security, but it does present
a unique challenge to our rules
against inappropriate office banter.
Without a system of politically correct
euphemisms in place, it would be hard not to use
words that could be construed as sexual harassment.
- Pretty hefty book.
- Well, there are a lot of words and phrases
that are inappropriate in an office environment.
And the V-word happens to be one of them.
- I mean, it's a pretty cool deal, actually.
Ah, I mean, like, they gave me this new suit.
And look what else I got, eh?
Now that my parole restrictions are lifted.
- Huh.
Yeah!
Now we can, uh, now we can FaceTime each other
when you're at work.
- Actually, the office I work in is called an SCIF.
- SCIF? - It stands for
Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility.
We need to check in our phones at the security desk
in the lobby.
It's kind of funny, really.
The NSA, the ultimate hackers are afraid
of their own phones being hacked.
Just goes to show what goes around comes around.
- What?
Wait, some of these, like,
word substitutions are fucking, like, hysterical!
I don't, I don't get it.
Like, this is real.
Is this real?
Is this like-- - That's what they gave me.
- (chuckles) What?
- You can't say words like penis or pussy
or vagina at work to avoid the potential
for sexual harassment.
- Oh, that's fucking bullshit.
So are you coming to see my show tonight at 10:00?
- I'll be there.
Should I order a BLT?
- (chuckles) What?
You're so cute.
I'm really glad you're with me Shane.
Like, you bring me so much good luck.
Like, I have agents coming out to see me tonight.
Like, do you know how hard it is to get
an agent in this fucking town?
- Actually, I don't know much about show business
to tell you the truth.
- Well, stand-up comedy is like one
of the hardest fields to make it in.
And an opportunity like this comes around maybe
once in your fucking lifetime, or sometimes it doesn't.
But, when we get home tonight,
I am gonna give you the best fuck
you've ever had in your life.
♪ There's a door I came through on the day I was born ♪
♪ But the truth is I just can't remember ♪
♪ Whatever came before ♪
(phone rings)
- Hi, Mom.
What's up?
- Oh, I, I'll be right home.
♪ Ooh, while these wheels are still turning ♪
♪ I want you to take me there ♪
♪ Take me there on this train between stations ♪
♪ Chasing the horizon ♪
♪ Train between stations ♪
♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪
♪ Separate observations ♪
♪ Through the different windows ♪
♪ Train between stations everyone here ♪
♪ Has their own explanation ♪
♪ Train ♪
- Dusty!
- Ma?
Ma, wake up.
Wake up.
- I'm gonna call 911.
- (moaning) Oh.
- So my new boyfriend works for the NSA.
He's on a special task force to crack the Gam Cam Grrl code.
So, that's right, my boyfriend gets to stare
at another girl's twat for eight hours a day.
And to top it off: no one at the NSA office
is allowed to use the word vagina or pussy
or crotch or snatch or coot-coot
or any other normal word that you would usually use
to describe a woman's vajayjay.
No, because they have this bullshit
zero-tolerance sexual harassment policy.
I mean, so when they wanna talk
about the Gam Cam Grrl's crotch they have to use
the word proscenium.
Can you believe it?
Can you?
No.
Proscenium.
Like, when did our government become so Greek
all of a sudden?
And, and then the clit, the clit is called upstage
and then the buttocks is called downstage
and, and the asshole, get this,
the asshole is referred to as the backstage exit.
- [Man] Where's centerstage?
- Buddy, if you don't know where centerstage is,
it's obvious you've never gotten to second base.
Now, where was I?
Oh, oh yeah: So when my boyfriend goes down
on me now, I have to say: yeah, yeah, right there!
No no no, little bit more upstage!
Well, actually stage left.
No, no, more stage right.
Like, when the fuck did I become a fucking
choreographer all of a sudden?
I mean, with all the frustrated ex-theater majors
that now work in the Human Resources Department,
you know somebody's got an ex-Pat Australian somewhere.
Yeah.
You wanna know why I think that?
- [Man] Why?
- Because every morning when the Gam Cam Grrl
masturbates at exactly 7:45 on the dot,
our intrepid NSA overlords
don't just call it like it is, like,
"Oh she's fingering herself again, Joe,"
or "She's diddling herself again, Chad."
No.
No, in order to avoid being fired
for inappropriate office banter they have to say,
are you ready for this,
she's waking the wombat.
I kid you not.
Waking the wombat.
Those are where your tax dollars are going folks.
People get paid six-figure salaries
to come up with this shit. (crowd applauds)
(siren blaring)
- I don't want to jump to any conclusions
until we get all the results back from the lab.
With the holiday weekend,
that'll probably not be until the middle of next week.
Now until then, all we can do is sit back
and let's hope for the best.
- Thank you.
- I'm scared.
- Don't worry, Mom.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Let's try to think positive.
Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah.
I'm good.
(pensive music)
- I think outside the box.
(phone dings)
the name of me contains the key
to opening the locks.
- Human Resources had to revise the appropriate
word substitution guide to compensate
for the classified terms that were compromised.
- This is classified information, Shane.
- You can't divulge it to anyone
who doesn't have top secret clearance.
- Yeah, not your mother.
Not your priest--
- And definitely not your foul-mouth girlfriend.
- I think I have something here.
- What?
iMac for sale, 4K?
- It brought up this listing on Craigslist
for a 2002 vintage iMac selling for $4,000.
Similar posts for the exact same model
are going for 10, maybe $25 max.
So this one is humongously overpriced.
- How did you come up with iMac for sale 4,000?
- The letters F and W are worth four points each.
So I used the numerical value of those in lieu
of the letters to spell iMac for sale, 4K.
- Wow, we've had the Jaguar computer at Oak Ridge
and the entire cryptography staff
at San Antonio and Augusta working on this non-stop
and they haven't come up with anything remotely like this.
Shane, this is, well it's bordering on insanity.
- Hacking is more of an art than a science,
in my opinion.
- So you're going to respond to the ad with a limerick?
- I'm responding in kind to the limerick
she dealt in front of her twah, I'm sorry,
I meant to say pudendum, proscenium,
proscenium.
That's what I meant, uh, sorry,
old habits die hard.
- We're no longer calling it a proscenium.
That word has been compromised.
The new word for that portion of the female anatomy is...
Hm, the cavern.
- Cavern.
I'll have to remember that next time
I go spelunking.
- This is serious, Shane.
It's inappropriate to joke about it.
- Sorry.
- Let's see what you've got.
My name is Shane Antar,
I'm searching near and far, to find a place,
for face to face, perhaps your local bar?
- I had to make it rhyme.
At first I was going to end it with:
To find a place for face to face to find out who you are
but I thought that might be a bit presumptuous
so I ended with the bar line.
So here it goes.
Where it ends up, nobody knows.
- You're grasping at straws here, Shane.
I think that you should spend your time here
at the office a little more productively
and I would suggest starting with studying the revised
appropriate word substitution guide.
- Whoa.
It's almost one o'clock.
I need to meet Karol for lunch in 15 minutes.
- And tell her to scrub the classified bits
from her comedy routine or there's going to be hell to pay!
(bright classical music)
- [Announcer] Hungry Lice!
(grunting)
(phone rings)
- Hi.
- Hi, Shane.
Sorry, I'm running late.
- I'm on a tight schedule, uh,
I went ahead and ordered you a Thai Iced Tea.
- Thanks, uh, you know what those fucking pricks
you work for did?
They took my YouTube post down for my show last night.
Like, those motherfuckers!
It already had over 35 million views!
- They told me to tell you not to use
the classified stuff anymore.
- You knew about it but you didn't do anything
to stop those fucking bastards from doing it?
- Karol, I'm just a minnow in a very large
ocean over there.
I'm just trying to follow the rules
so I don't get sent back to prison.
- Whatever.
Thank God you got me a drink.
I'm thirsty as shit.
Mm, that hits the spot right there.
So, anything new and exciting
on the worldwide pussy safari?
- They really came down on me about talking
about this with anybody.
It's top secret, Karol, okay?
And, besides, I've gotta go in 15 minutes,
so I'd rather not spend what little's left
of my lunch, like, talking about work.
(slurping)
- Well, speaking of work,
I just signed with an agent this morning.
- Oh, congratulations!
- Thank you!
Oh, um, uh, so how's your Mom?
- She's doing much better this morning.
Thanks for asking.
Gosh, she really did give me a scare last night.
You know, my father died of a heart attack
while I was in the Pen.
She was all alone for the past couple years,
(phone rings) - Oh, shoot!
Oh my gosh, I have to take this.
Sorry, hold on.
Hi, hi, Bruce, well, what's up?
Jimmy Fallon?
New, oh right, wait, in New York?
Are you serious?
Oh, my God, wait, what time's the flight?
Hell yeah!
I mean, okay, okay, I'm there!
Oh my God!
(laughs) I just, Shane, my agent just got me
a flight to New York!
I'm gonna be on The Jimmy Fallon Special tomorrow night!
You're coming with me!
You're gonna come with me to this!
- It sounds great.
What time's your flight leave?
- Oh, it's, it's in three hours.
- Oh, I, I can't just, like,
cut out on work like that,
I'll just, I'll take a later flight.
- Okay, yeah.
That's fine.
I'm gonna text you my room when I check
into the Plaza, Hotel and it's gonna be so romantic.
Oh, you know what, I gotta go!
I gotta pack, I gotta get to LAX.
I've gotta get my stuff together!
But I'm gonna see you in New York, Shane!
- [Cami] Dear Shane.
My favorite bar is the Crusty Cossack
on Avenue of the Czars in Moscow.
Meet me there tomorrow night at the Private Masquerade Ball.
You must wear a mask to get in.
Bring ID
And come alone.
I will show you everything you need to know.
Cami.
- It's risky sending our asset into that bar
all alone without backup in a foreign country.
- Chad's right.
What if it's a trap?
And they're using Cami's Cavern as bait?
- The same bait that caused Agamemnon
to launch a thousand ships.
- And the war was begun.
(bright music)
- This is the mask you'll be wearing
to the Crusty Cossack tonight.
- Couldn't you have picked something
a little more attractive, Mr. Ambassador?
I mean it's sort of like a blind date.
- Oh, I don't think it qualifies as that,
do you, Gina?
- I wouldn't call it a blind date.
- Well, a first date at least.
It's definitely that.
- The Frankenstein mask has several unique
features which are advantageous
to our communication and surveillance embellishments.
For example, in this stud-like protrusion
on the right side of the face is imbedded a small
camera which gives us a live video feed.
And here in the left nostril is a microphone
so we can hear what's going on, especially
to anyone directly in front of you.
- Cool.
- Place this receiver bud in your left ear it
will allow us to always be in communication with you.
Testing, one, two, three.
- Loud and clear, Boss.
Heh.
It's like I'm starring in my own spy novel.
- Oh, but there's one more thing.
Let's not forget the GPS tracking device.
- Oh, right.
I've had some experience with those.
- Oh, no.
This particular model does not go on your ankle.
It's considerably more discreet.
(singing in foreign language)
(speaks in foreign language)
- [Translator] What can I get you?
- May I have a lemonade.
(speaks in foreign language)
- [Translator] Only the best lemonade
for you, my friend.
(speaks in foreign language)
I trust you will find this
(speaks in foreign language)
better than expected.
(speaks in foreign language)
- [Translator] Thanks.
(singing in foreign language)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- Hey, Lover!
Hey, hey, I keep trying to FaceTime
you but my calls aren't going through.
- I can't talk right now, Karol,
I'm in the middle of something here at work.
- Oh.
Middle of something, yeah.
Yeah, right, right.
What you're in the middle of is watching
some other girl's proscenium
is what you're in the middle of, okay,
and the thought of this is really starting
to put a bug up my ass now
that we're in a relationship so I, I think you should tell
your Boss you wanna be transferred
to a different department.
- Shane, this is not the time to be talking
to your girlfriend.
There's important work to be done
in the service of your country.
- I, I mean, come on, let's face it, you know,
we're talking about some major pussy fatigue here, Shane.
You know, after your staring at some girl's coot-coot
all day long the last thing
you're gonna wanna do when you get home is pay any
attention to mine and when all is said
and done I'm gonna be the one that's waking the wombat.
- We'll have to talk about this later, Karol.
I'm sorry.
What the?
- Uh, I just lost picture.
Shane?
Can you read me?
Say yes if you do.
- Uh, Shane?
Shane!
Hello?
Shane, are you there?
Shane, come on, are you there?
Come on!
- Karol, I've gotta go.
Something just came up.
- So yeah, I'll, I'll bet something came up,
I'll bet something came up all right.
Yeah, you need to let it go back down
so you can save it for me tomorrow night on New Year's Eve!
(dramatic music)
- The GPS tracker shows Shane has gone
into the Men's Restroom.
Are you having technical difficulties?
- Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
Shane's not responding to me so I wonder
if his earbud went out too.
I mean, we're still getting audio I know
they're not jamming the signal.
(speaks in foreign language)
- [Translator] I've always wanted to fuck Frankenstein.
(speaks in foreign language)
Ever since I saw my first monster movie.
(speaks in foreign language)
Please, Frankie.
(speaks in foreign language)
I want you to fuck me right here on the sink.
(speaks in foreign language)
Will you please fuck me on the sink, Franky?
- Yes.
(speaks in foreign language)
- [Translator] Oh yes, Frankie,
I love the way you are fingering my clitoris like that.
(speaks in foreign language)
Oh yes,
flick my little nubbin.
(speaks in foreign language)
Will you please fuck me on the sink, Franky?
(speaks in foreign language)
Oh yes, what a big monster cock you have.
It's even bigger than I thought it would be.
- Ooh.
Sounds like our asset is seriously engaging his contact.
- The live Gam Cam Grrl feed is not consistent
with what we're hearing through
the Frankenstein nostril microphone.
- Roger that.
Shane!
I am sorry to inform you that the woman
you are cavorting with is not Cami Fawlkes.
I repeat, that is not Cami Fawlkes.
- Oh! (groans)
- [Translator] Oh yes, yes.
Ram your big hard monster cock all the way inside me.
Harder.
Yes.
Just like that.
Fuck me harder.
Yes.
I want all of it.
All of your big monster cock.
Yes.
Yes, fuck me, fuck me, give me all of it
you big fucking hunk of manhood, you.
Oh yes.
Yes.
Oh, God, yes!
(moaning)
Yes, give me all of it.
Yes, oh, yes.
Yes, yes, oh, yes, fuck me.
Give me all of it you big fucking hunk
of manhood, you.
(farting)
Could you repeat that, please?
I didn't quite understand
what you said.
(toilet flushes)
(upbeat music)
- He's on the move!
He's leaving the Crusty Cossack!
- We're on it.
(bright music)
Okay, head east on Doobensky Boulevard.
Step on it, they're moving really fast!
I mean, I can't believe how fast they're going!
Why aren't the Russian police pulling them over?
- I feel so lost without my translation app.
- No need to feel lost.
I speak perfect English.
- Oh, so all that stuff back at the bar was just?
- Showtime.
To throw the bloodhounds off the scent.
- Are you Cami Fawlkes?
- No.
My name is Brin.
- Pleasure meeting you, Brin.
I'm Shane.
- Do you really want to shake the hand
that just had three fingers up your rectum?
- Good point.
Elbow bump, maybe?
Heh?
- Oh, you Americans.
You always have the most peculiar customs.
I love it.
(bright music)
- Okay, turn right on Sebrinka Street!
Now right on Zbignew.
They've stopped.
We're closing in on the destination now
which is straight ahead.
Middle Ring Sewage Treatment Plant.
- I'd say we've been given a bum steer.
- Shit.
- So what's she like, Cami Fawlkes?
- Most men I encounter, including lesbians like me,
consider her to be the girl of their dreams.
- [Shane] Am I in heaven?
- Not yet.
- [Shane] Feels like I am.
- You're probably still high from the ether,
Darling.
- Where am I?
- In a safe place.
Far from the prying eyes and ears of your fellow employers.
- You're Cami Fawlkes.
- I am.
It is my deep pleasure to finally meet you, Shane.
You were my hero when I was in high school.
I followed your trial in the media
and wrote a blog about it.
I thought you should have been acquitted.
I was devastated when the judge gave you 10 years.
- Do you ever take off the white gloves?
- Only when I'm awake.
If I were to start waking the wombat
in my sleep they could ID me from my fingerprints.
- Smart.
So you know the NSA code words.
- Oh, thanks to your girlfriend posting
her stand-up routines on-line.
- Just so you know, they just changed all the codes.
You won't be waking the wombat anymore,
from now on you'll be stoking the stalactite.
Oops, I shouldn't have told you that.
It's classified, shh.
- So what is the deal with you and Karol with a K?
Are you in love with her?
- Um, to be honest,
the relationship hasn't really gotten off the ground yet.
We still haven't gone all the way.
- But you have gone down on her,
which she has described in vivid detail in one
of her latest videos.
- I know.
It's a little embarrassing.
- Has she ever gone down on you?
- Not yet.
- See, I have found that relationships work best
when there is a mutual sense of reciprocity.
Otherwise they can tend to be a little too one-sided.
- Yes, I, uh, you're absolutely right.
Like no one wants to be in a relationship that,
that's just so, oh, yes.
Yeah, so, oh, too...
Too, one.
(moans)
Sided.
Hi, this is Shane.
I can't come to the phone right now
so please leave a message after the tone.
- Hi, Shane.
It's Karol.
I don't know why you're not picking up
your phone right now, um,
but I just wanted to let you know that I booked
us a hotel at the Plaza for, I got us a room
for tomorrow night for New Year's Eve.
You know that shit's fucking expensive,
I put it on a credit card though because,
whatever, you only live once, right?
I decided that tomorrow night for New Year's Eve
I'm gonna to do a Facebook Live feed
and what I was thinking is maybe we could meet each
other at the top of the Empire State Building
but, um, I heard it's hard to get up
there on the top of the building on New Year's Eve.
So I was thinking instead we could meet
at the tip of Times Square like 41st and Broadway
and we're gonna meet there and surprise
everyone on my Live feed because I've got like
two-million Instagram followers already.
But when we're done, we can go back
to the Plaza and we can fuck like little bunnies
on the prairie in the middle of the snow.
Okay?
Huh, are you down, Shane?
(moaning) (bright orchestral music)
- This is a project I am working on.
I call it Head Room.
Kind of like a gigantic iteration of the mood ring.
- It's amazing.
This is exactly how I feel right now.
- Think of how you will feel when I give you
my shadow internet technology and you get
your presidential pardon.
- But you're Russian, right?
- Da.
- Why would you give your technology
to the United States?
- Because right now I am on a Putin-free diet.
And the U.S. is the last hope for freedom in the world.
But the reason I brought you here, Shane,
is I need you to help me hack The People's Bank of China.
- Whoa.
You think that's possible?
- I have been probing their security systems
for the past year and I have found a back door.
But there is a firewall with an encrypted
passcode that uses Chinese characters.
The passcode changes every hour
through a random sequence generator.
I expect to transfer 32 billion yuan.
That's around five billion U.S. dollars.
- Billion?
- Da.
Billion with a B.
If you help me hack I will give you 5% of the take:
$250 million.
- I didn't feel bad about hacking Western Ems Levee
because that's where human traffickers
and criminals kept their money.
But the Bank of China, that's people's savings accounts.
- I promise I will not touch any personal accounts.
Only the big government bureaucracies
and military-industrial complex.
You can do what you did before with the money, Shane,
and give it all to charity.
Or you could start a foundation that cures
diseases or does some other great good in the world.
You know, people with no money,
they can hope and wish and talk all they want
about making the world a better place.
But money is what turns those dreams into reality.
- When are you planning on doing the hack?
- Tonight.
New Year's Eve.
While everybody is partying, leaving the henhouse door open
for foxes like us.
Think of all the good you could do
with a quarter billion dollars, Shane.
- Okay. - Da?
- I'm in. - Da?
Oh, there is also something else
that I need from you in order for the plan to work:
I need you to have sexual intercourse with me
at the time and the place of my choosing.
No questions asked.
(laughs)
- What?
- What is so funny about you having sex with me?
- What is so funny?
I wake up in bed wearing a toga
with this beautiful woman who gives me head
and then wants me to be on standby to have sex
with her at the drop of a hat!
I mean, look at all this place,
is this a nut house or what?
I should have known this was a wacky dream right
from the get-go.
- This is no dream, darling.
This is as real as it gets
and I need a commitment from you in order
for our relationship to further:
I need you to have sexual intercourse with me at the time
and the place of my choosing no questions asked?
I need a simple da or nyet and I need it now.
- Da.
- Good answer.
(bright music)
(dial tone rings)
- [Shane] Hi, this is Shane.
I can't come to the phone right now--
- Pick up your goddam phone, Shane, come on, It's Karol,
We're about to start taping for the show
in fifteen minutes and I was just calling,
you know, 'cause I just wanna hear your voice.
You know, I'm, I'm nervous.
You know, I was thinking this all happened
so fast and I waited my whole life
for this and what if they don't like me or what if,
what if I think I'm good and I actually suck?
You know, and I'm, I'm so alone up here.
But, don't forget: tomorrow we're meeting
at the corner of 42nd and Broadway, okay?
Remember?
Times Square?
6:45?
Oh, don't forget, okay?
Love you, Babe.
(bright orchestral music)
- The passcode for the back door uses a series
of Chinese characters.
So I am going to need you to drive as my wingman tonight
to help me get through the final hurdle.
- This Pinyin Input didn't exist back in my hey-day.
I'm going to have to practice a bit to get my chops back.
- We will begin the hack at 2:30 a.m. local time.
That gives you 11 hours to get
your fingers back in shape.
- Sorry to interrupt you, Queen Camille,
but are all systems still go for tonight?
- All systems are still a go.
- I didn't know you were a queen.
- There are a lot of things you still
don't know about me.
But you are about to find out.
Shane, this is Octavia, commander of my Praetorian Guard.
- Pleased to meet you, Octavia.
- I missed you yesterday.
- I missed you too.
- How was your day off?
- Not nearly as good as my days on.
- Uh, don't mind me.
I'm just the Mandarin encryptionist here.
- This is Shane, my new partner in crime.
And my new lover.
- Mm, lucky you, Shane.
- Just so you know: all my bodyguards are lesbians.
- Thanks for letting me know, Cami.
I would have never guessed it.
Not after what happened between you and me this morning.
- The blowjob?
- Uh, yeah.
That.
The blowjob.
I'm sorry, but it was more than just a blowjob to me, Cami.
- What was it to you then?
- I don't know.
A revelation?
That maybe, dumb, stupid,
naive Robin Hood of the Internet me fell in love
with the woman whose vagina I've been staring
at for the past four days.
- I am the B not the L in the LGBT.
Does that bother you, Shane?
Who all of Karol with a K's followers know as Mr. LGBTQ?
- Uh, no.
- Well, then why do you sound so disappointed?
- After what happened this morning
and you telling me about the crush you had on me
in high school, I was hoping
that our relationship could be more
than just a one night stand.
Or one day stand, whatever.
- Just because I am an openly bi-sexual woman
only means that you will have a girlfriend
with an added dimension.
That is all.
I promise you: our relationship will never,
ever get boring.
- We were able to retrieve the mask,
his cell phone, and an old iPod
that had the woman's pre-recorded voice on it.
One of our IT techs is doing a voice analysis
on it right now.
- Hey, this thought just occurred to me, Ron:
what if Shane has been in collusion
with the Russians all along?
You know, the Morse Code,
the exchange of cutesy limericks,
a Masquerade Ball in an off-beat Russian bar.
- And how would they even know he had a GPS
up his ass if he wasn't in on it?
- Exactly.
There's something about this whole gam cam affair,
it just doesn't smell right.
And I plan on getting to the bottom of it.
(dramatic music)
- We have gotten to the final firewall.
Everyone please put on your masks in case of a slip up.
You too, Shane.
- Oh, cool.
At least it's not the Frankenstein mask.
This kind of impedes my vision.
- You only have to wear it for a few minutes.
Just for the distraction phase.
Okay.
Ladies and gentleman, it's showtime!
If Kim Kardashian's ass can break the internet,
then my vulva ought to totally obliterate it!
- All right, I'd like to welcome
all of you to my Facebook Live broadcast.
It's almost 6:30 Eastern Time
and I'm almost to the corner of 42nd and Broadway
where I am about to meet my boyfriend Shane
who just got back from like Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where
trying to hunt down the infamous Gam Cam Grrl.
Too bad, bitch, because he's coming to see me instead.
And when we get back to the hotel, I--
- Alright, Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up.
- For you, my queen.
There's a slight chance of rain.
- Thank you, Octavia.
- [Shane] I think I almost got this figured out.
- Shane, not now.
Get over here, we don't have time,
we need major distraction.
- Whoa!
- I want you to have sexual intercourse with me.
- Right, right now?
In here?
In front of your whole crew?
Not to mention the billions of people
logged on to your website.
- You said I get to choose my time and place of choosing
and I chose my here and I chose my now.
So get to it, Shane.
- Okay.
Here we go, oh, I was hoping maybe we could have
a candlelight dinner first?
Maybe a walk on the beach?
Catch a sunset?
- Just shut up and fuck me, Shane.
- Someone's about to go spelunking.
- I said fuck me not finger me.
- Sorry, old habits die hard.
- Holy fuck.
I just got a tweet from my BFF Lulu back in L.A.
that says the Gam Cam Grrl just got a little bit
of fingering action a few minutes ago
and some internet trolls are saying that it's my,
my boyfriend was the one doing the fingering?
It's total bullshit, okay, fake news, people!
Okay, because Shane's gonna be here any minute
and the only fingering action that gonna
be happening on this New Year's Eve
is on this little piece of real estate, right there.
- The internet report claims of a fingerprint
match to convicted felon Shane Antar
has just been confirmed by an unnamed source at the FBI
This of course proves that Mr. Antar
has indeed made contact with the infamous Gam Cam Grrl,
Cami Fawlkes, or rather is making contact
at this very moment.
- What the fuck?
You motherfucking son of a bitch!
You fucking cheater!
It's over, Shane, okay!
It's over!
It's O-V-E-R, over!
When I get back to L.A., I'm gonna take all your shit
that's in my fucking apartment and I'm gonna throw it
all over the fucking sidewalk!
And I'm gonna stomp on your face
on the sidewalk!
I'm so fuck, wait, wait, no, why,
why the fuck don't I have any internet connection?
What the Hell?
- The internet is down.
- What time zones?
- Worldwide.
- Masks off.
Shane, get back to your station!
Everybody!
- [Shane] We're in!
- Freeze the UTC clock.
- Done.
- Double-zero, double-zero,
31, automator resume.
- Done. - Done.
- You froze the Universal Time Clock?
- For 15 minutes.
Any money transfers we make during that time
won't show up on their internal audits
for another month and by that time the funds
will be so laundered they'll never be able
to follow the trail.
Poof.
They'll be gone without a trace.
- Brilliant.
- Save the accolades for the after party.
Still got my east side there, Wingman?
- Gotcha covered, Pilot Cami.
- All right.
Are we still hacked into JumboTron?
- Yes, my Queen.
- Put up the pre-recorded video.
'Yes, my Queen.'
- Good evening to everyone around the world.
My name is Cami Fawlkes.
I am interrupting your New Year's Eve celebrations
to bring you an important message.
I hereby declare an end to patriarchal ociety
that has been dominating our civilization
for the past 10,000 years,
and am announcing the dawn of a new age,
the Age of Mutual Respect and Equality.
To throw off the ropes and cast off
the shackles, the mere Free The Nipple Movement
is simply not enough.
In order to completely free ourselves
from patriarchal oppression we must free the vagina!
(bright music)
The method I used to create my alternate internet
was based on pointillism, the same technique
Georges Seurat used to create this painting.
Tiny dots of color that when viewed separately
are meaningless, but when viewed as a whole
they create a complete picture.
I created my alternate internet using
the transmissions of billions of cell phones
around the world.
The ground zero transmitter I secretly
installed at the top of Mount Elbrus.
That signal was then relayed to other
transponders on Annapurna Massif, Mount Fuji,
Denali, Elbert, Illimani,
Kilimanjaro and Puncak Jaya.
The millions of cell phone bots within
their range would receive the bot-dots
and be re-transmitted through the app on their phones
into the dark web and fed to their local
internet service providers
which no government was able to trace or shut down.
- But how did you hijack the billions of phones
around the world to make all your bot-dots?
- [Announcer] Hungry Lice!
- [Announcer] Level twenty-one.
- Brilliant.
- All the encryptions, algorithms, passwords and passcodes
are here on this eight terabyte drive.
Give this to the NSA and you'll receive
your presidential pardon.
- Thank you very much.
- The U.S. Embassy is filled with cameras,
so I will have Octavia drop you off a couple
of blocks away.
I apologize for the blindfold, darling,
but there is no telling what kind of mind games
those employers of yours will play in order
to track my location during your de-briefing.
Most of what you will tell them
will be the unvarnished truth.
But I will need you to sprinkle in a few little
white lies for good measure.
- And she never took her mask off the entire time
you were there?
- No.
She never did.
- Huh.
Well, the system checks out.
Including all of the codes for accessing
Hungry Lice apps on people's cell phones.
Reconnaissance satellite images confirm locations
of mountaintop transponders,
it's everything you said it would be in the de-briefing.
And our field operative in Moscow managed
to locate your phone.
- Great.
Thanks.
- Don't turn it on till after you exit the building.
- Got it.
Just like in L.A.
- I find it hard to believe that a woman
that intelligent would go to so much trouble
to fulfill some sexual fantasy she had in high school.
- Those geniuses can do some pretty crazy stuff sometimes.
Like, personally, I think it was all just a publicity stunt
to bring attention to her Free the Vagina Movement.
Oh, or Free the Cavern as you would say at the NSA.
- I've been given authorization
by the Commander in Chief to give you this upon
successful completion of your mission.
Thank you, Shane, for your service
to your country, you've gone above and beyond
the call of duty.
And if you ever find yourself needing a job,
the door is always open for you here.
- Thank you.
♪ Why's it taken so long for my heart to get warm ♪
♪ Like a leaf that's been torn its branch ♪
♪ By a violent winter storm ♪
♪ There's a light in a place we've never been ♪
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi, Shane!
Yeah, I'm so glad you picked up.
I didn't know if you would after all the nasty things
I said about you on Facebook
the other night, so--
- It's all water under the bridge, Karol.
Let's let it slide.
I'm hoping we can still be friends after this?
- Yeah, me too.
I started dating somebody recently.
- That's a pretty quick turnaround considering
you just broke up with me two days ago.
So who's the lucky guy?
- His name's Johnny.
I just met him last week.
He's my new manager.
- Oh, that's great.
Congratulations.
Is he the one that got you the gig on Jimmy Fallon?
- No, no, no, that was my agent.
I've got an agent and a manager now.
- Sounds like you hit the big time.
- Well, I have and that's what I need
to talk to you about, okay?
I have a business proposition for you but,
I don't wanna talk about it over the phone.
- You're right.
The NSA is probably listening.
(chuckles)
I'm on an 11:30 flight out of BWI.
and it gets into Long Beach around 2:00 Pacific?
- Okay, uh, then how about a late lunch at Tubulicious?
Say around four-ish?
- I'm there.
- HBO and all the major networks
are in a bidding war for this.
- Yeah, they say Realitcoms are gonna
be the Next big thing.
- What's a Realitcom?
- It's a sitcom but based on a real event.
- Loosely based!
- And it stars all the real people
that actually lived it in their real lives.
- You know, the important ones, like, you and me.
- The Producers wanna start immediately.
- Gam Cam Guy?
That's what they're calling it?
- Pretty catchy, don't ya think?
- I mean, we're each gonna make 50,000 a week
from this, Shane.
This is it, okay?
This is the next Big Thing.
- I'd like to read the script first.
- Okay, you can stay in here and read it
and Johnny and I are gonna hop outside
for a nice cigarette break.
- I don't smoke.
Uh, I mean, uh, yeah, why not?
Let's go get some fresh air.
- Excuse us.
(playful music)
- Boy, he really is cool as a cucumber.
I mean, I thought he'd be coming in his pants
when he heard 50 grand a week.
- Yeah, me too, but you know,
that's just his personality, so.
I think he's almost done reading the script.
- Ah, you know he's gonna love it.
I mean, it was written by all the best writers in town.
- This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life.
- But what didn't you like about it?
- None of these things happened anything like this.
- Like I said: it's loosely based.
I mean, they gotta punch up the comedy somehow.
- Listen, pal, they can't do the show
without you, okay, so, you know,
maybe I can get ya, like, 70-grand an episode.
- Please, Shane?
I need you to do this for me
so I don't just become another flash in the pan.
- I'm sorry, Karol, but I'm not gonna spend
the next three years re-living the same week
of my life with a laugh track.
(upbeat music)
- [Woman] He looks exactly like Mr. LGBTQ.
- Who? - You know, the Gam Cam Guy.
- [Woman] Oh, why would he be working here?
- [Woman] Uh, excuse me,
could I have your autograph? - Oh, it is him!
- [Woman] My cousin Barbara is such a big fan!
- [Woman] Oh, my God, your performance
on New Year's Eve was amazing!
- [Woman] Can I have your autograph?
(voices chattering)
- [Man] Would you sign this for my wife?
- [Woman] Lord have mercy!
- [Woman] Could you sign my shopping list?
- [Both] Could you sign this for me, please?
- Can I have your autograph? - I'm such a huge fan.
- [Both] Can I have your autograph.
- [Man] You are so awesome, dude.
- [Both] Could I have your autograph?
- [Man] I wish I had the balls to do what you did!
- [Woman] Can I have your autograph?
- [Woman] Could you sign this for me?
Please?
- [Woman] May I have your autograph?
- [Woman] Please, can I have your autograph?
Please.
- I wish it could have worked out, Shane.
I really do.
You're a good guy.
You're just way too famous now.
It'd be totally disruptive to our business.
(somber music)
(phone rings)
- Hello, Shane.
Is everything all right?
- I've decided to take you up on your offer
and work for the NSA.
- Well how soon can you relocate here to Maryland?
- Can't I work out here in the L.A. office?
- Oh, no, we're downsizing our staff there.
The only openings we have right now are here at Ft. Meade.
We might have an opening in Augusta soon.
- No, I can't relocate right now.
My mother isn't well.
Maybe when she's better
in a month or so I'd consider moving.
But I can't leave her right now the way she is.
♪ Train between stations ♪
♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪
(sobbing)
- Mom, what's wrong?
What's the matter?
- Doctor, doctor say I have cancer.
- What?
- We have to sell the house for the treatments.
- No, Mom, you're not gonna sell the house.
I'm going to take care of you
like you've always taken care of me.
Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
(laughing)
- Oh!
Come off.
Oh, come, uhh, my yoga pants are stuck
in this thing-a-ma-jig on your leg.
Can't you take it off?
- No, I can't, it's part
of my doctoral dissertation in Anklenomics.
- Anklenomics?
- It's a relatively new field.
Uh, it's hard to get a scholarship
in this field because, uh, nobody wants to foot the bill.
(laughing)
- Shane Antar?
- Yes?
- LAPD.
You're under arrest!
- For what?
Telling jokes with bad punch lines?
- No.
Parole violation.
Tampering with a GPS tracking device.
- Ah, Anklenomics, my ass!
- I'm sorry I lied, Karol.
It was a misfired attempt at getting
into your yoga pants without having to endure anymore
downward-facing-dog.
Brrrrrr!
- Well, I mean, if you wanted to get
into my yoga pants so bad, why didn't you just say so!
Instead of pulling the wool over my eyes.
- Can I see some ID, mam?
- Anklenomics, ah!
Oh, sure, I'm an ankler, I'm studying anklenomics.
(laughing)
Anklenomics, anklenomics!
Anklenomics, who would have thought?
- Hold it!
- Hey!
You can't go fishing in my sock drawer like that!
- Why not?
- Because that's where I keep my, sock puppet!
(laughing)
- I just doing my job.
Searching for weapons.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's this?
- That's not a weapon!
That's a banana creme pie!
- Hey, in the wrong hands,
anything can become a weapon.
- My parole officer's right.
Even a banana cream pie can become weaponized.
(crowd laughing)
- Let's add assaulting a parole officer
to that list of crimes.
- Let's make that assault with a deadly weapon.
- Well, I didn't know a banana cream pie could be deadly.
- Well, it is if you're allergic to bananas.
- Bye bye.
♪ Gam Cam, Gam Cam ♪
♪ Gammy gam, Gam Cam Guy ♪
(upbeat music)
- Is someone there?
- There's a van backing into our driveway.
I hope it's not another crazed fan.
I'll check it out.
- Oh, okay.
Be careful, Shane.
- [Announcer] Hemorrhoids flaring up again, Bob?
- [Bob] Yeah, no bike ride for me this weekend.
- Excuse me, can I help you?
- Yes, we could use a little manly help.
- Indeed.
- Octavia.
Brin.
- [Together] Happy Valentine's Day!
(romantic music)
- She kept her word.
- Of course.
- She always keeps her word.
(playful music)
- Where do you want these?
- Let's put 'em in the garage for now.
- After we're done unloading these,
we'll drop you off at her new address.
(upbeat music)
- Did you miss me, darling?
- Terribly.
Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh!
Oh, I love roses!
You know, out of all the flowers in the world
roses are my favorite.
(soft music)
- I was starting to think I'd never hear from you again.
- No way.
I would never let that happen to our love.
Our love, it's just beginning.
Unfolding is probably the better English word to use.
Our love is one they will be writing
about for ages.
We will be right up there with Marc Antony and Cleopatra.
With Nicholas and Alexandra.
Shane and Tanya.
- Tanya?
- Cami Fawlkes was just my nom de guerre.
My real name is Tanya Diaghileva.
- Okay.
Well, Tanya, thank you for keeping your promise
about the money.
Soon as my contract expires in May,
I'm gonna quit that ridiculous Realitcom!
- No!
You will stay with it for all three seasons.
More if the ratings are still good by then.
You need to stay in the public eye, Shane.
Gam Cam Guy is just a springboard for bigger
and better things.
This shitcom is all part of the essential plan.
- I'm not robbing any more banks with you,
Cami, I mean, Tanya.
- Banks?
Phew.
Banks!
We are so beyond banks, darling.
We are now painting on the big canvas.
The world is our oyster and with you and I as a team
there is no limit as to what we can do.
So here is the plan: First, we get married.
Then you run for open Senate seat here in California.
You will win of course because of your popularity from TV.
Then you will publish a book called
"Make America Rich Again, For Good."
I already had a mock-up of the cover done.
It will be a best seller.
Yeah.
Then you run for president.
You will be the first Asian-American president
and I will be the first openly bisexual First Lady.
- A menage e trois in the Oval Office.
What a concept.
- Besides that, think of all of the good we could do
in such a place of power.
So, are you down for it, Shane?
- Cami?
- Tanya.
- Sorry, old habits die hard.
Tanya?
- Da?
- Will you marry me?
- Da, darling.
Da.
- Good answer.
Let's seal the deal.
(gentle music)
(upbeat music)
♪ If I painted a thousand different pictures ♪
♪ Would they be worth a million words ♪
♪ Used a song with many mixtures ♪
♪ Sung by 100 million birds ♪
♪ Soon as the sun went down this evening ♪
♪ Something inside me seemed to say ♪
♪ Seeing is not always believing ♪
♪ Sometimes you feel a different way ♪
♪ I think it's time to let go ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ I think it's time to let everything you know ♪
♪ Go just for the moment ♪
♪ Before you've outgrown it ♪
♪ This moment you own it ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ Every now and then you get to feel like this ♪
♪ Like being in a dream it's really real like this ♪
♪ Like seeing everything for the very first time ♪
♪ You don't wanna miss a thing ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪
♪ When it gets this good, you'll be rockin' it out ♪
♪ Because your body's gotta move ♪
♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ I think it's time to let everything you know ♪
♪ Go just for the moment ♪
♪ Before you've outgrown it ♪
♪ This moment you own it ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ Every now 'n then you get to feel like this ♪
♪ Like being in a dream it's really real like this ♪
♪ Like seeing everything for the very first time ♪
♪ You don't wanna miss a thing ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪
♪ When it gets this good you'll be rockin' it out ♪
♪ 'Cause your body's gotta move ♪
♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪
♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪
♪ When it gets this good you'll be rockin' it out ♪
♪ 'Cause your body's gotta move ♪
♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪
♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪