1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:06,780 If both your parents are alive, 3 00:00:07,380 --> 00:00:09,420 and if all your grandparents are alive, 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:11,180 you're not going to enjoy the show. 6 00:00:20,260 --> 00:00:22,140 I'm a single child, no brothers no sisters, 7 00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:25,460 grew up as a single child, with a single mother. 8 00:00:26,020 --> 00:00:27,300 with a single mother 9 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:29,660 Single moms are amazing. 10 00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,780 My mom was particularly fantastic. 11 00:00:32,340 --> 00:00:34,460 I really really really really miss my mom. 12 00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:36,620 She was amazing. 13 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,140 She never made me miss my dad. 14 00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:39,700 She used to beat the shit out of me. 15 00:00:45,860 --> 00:00:47,060 That's the thing guys, that's the thing. 16 00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:50,980 Like when a dad hits you, dad has to hit you once, and you get it. 17 00:00:51,780 --> 00:00:53,300 Like... Don't do it again 18 00:00:54,860 --> 00:00:57,660 But with mom's what happens is, mom's believe that because they're women, 19 00:00:57,700 --> 00:00:59,180 they don't hurt hard enough. 20 00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:02,100 So they overcompensate when they beat you. 21 00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:04,620 So they beat the shit of you ... 22 00:01:04,700 --> 00:01:06,620 I made you, I'll fucking end you. 23 00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,300 And then they give you pudding. 24 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,820 And you're like, what is this Stockholm syndrome, 25 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,620 which is what motherly love is, it's Stockholm syndrome 26 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,820 Too much love and then too much hitting. 27 00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:28,020 Children are assholes as it is. 28 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:30,140 Single children are motherfuckers. 29 00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:35,420 And if you have a single child, with a single mother 30 00:01:35,420 --> 00:01:37,180 then we are the worst. 31 00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:39,940 We are just the worst. 32 00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:43,220 Because we know that we are your weakness. 33 00:01:43,740 --> 00:01:45,220 And we will exploit it. 34 00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:47,700 Because kids have no emotion. 35 00:01:47,780 --> 00:01:50,100 All that fucking is all fake, fuckers. 36 00:01:50,540 --> 00:01:52,020 It's all fucking fake. 37 00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:54,180 We will exploit it. Like I used to exploit it all the time. 38 00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:55,980 I was like, one day I went, I was like, 39 00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:58,820 "Mummy mummy, give me 200 rupees." Okay. 40 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:00,900 Mom's like, "I gave you money yesterday, 41 00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:03,260 I'm not going to give you money again, you spent it all." 42 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:05,180 "I'll go and ask dad for it." 43 00:02:12,740 --> 00:02:13,460 So easy. 44 00:02:14,540 --> 00:02:15,300 So easy. 45 00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:17,820 But moms are also moms. 46 00:02:19,380 --> 00:02:20,740 They get smarter with time. 47 00:02:22,940 --> 00:02:24,580 Motherly love is like artificial intelligence. 48 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,980 It gets better with experience, really it does. 49 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:33,260 Cause a couple of years later I was like, "Mom, mom I want 500 rupees." 50 00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:34,620 Inflation! 51 00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:38,140 So I was like, "Mom, mom I want 500 rupees." 52 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:39,820 She's like, "I gave you money yesterday. 53 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,500 You spent it all, I'm not going to give you any more money." 54 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:42,540 "Mom, I'll go and ask dad." 55 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,300 "Fine, if you find him, ask him to give me also money." 56 00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:54,820 How ya? Fucking... 57 00:02:56,860 --> 00:03:01,540 Mom was amazing man. Single mother, tough, tough. She was a lawyer. 58 00:03:03,140 --> 00:03:04,180 She was also Parsi. 59 00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:09,620 Okay, I know it's funny, but... 60 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:12,100 She was Parsi. 61 00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:17,660 And most parents in this country actually want you to follow their religion. 62 00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:21,220 It's not hate or anything. It's never been hate. 63 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:22,900 They want you to follow their religion. 64 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,860 They're like, "Look, we tried, it didn't work for us, you try and see." 65 00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,260 "Maybe it will work...We made a wish, and we got you." 66 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,180 "Maybe it will be better with you." 67 00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:36,580 So they make you want to do religion. 68 00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,820 And religion is like...religion is like an institution, right? 69 00:03:42,260 --> 00:03:44,180 It makes you feel superior, 70 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:46,860 by making other people inferior, right? 71 00:03:47,580 --> 00:03:49,300 Religion is basically Bombay Gymkhana. 72 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:54,700 It is... 73 00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:57,260 But the Parsi religion is worse than Bombay Gymkhana. 74 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:58,820 See Bombay Gymkhana allows guests. 75 00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:08,460 Parsis are like, "You're dark get lost." Just fuck off. 76 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:09,980 It's amazing... 77 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,740 I used to try to go to the fire temple, 78 00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:16,660 then you'd see my colour, and the security guard who was not Parsi, 79 00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:18,980 would be like, "Where are you going?" 80 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,940 And just to fuck with him, I'd be like, "I'm going inside." 81 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:26,180 Then I would put on my cap and I would walk in. 82 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:27,100 And he'll be like 83 00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:28,820 And I'd be like, "Get lost, Motherfucker" 84 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,940 He'd be like, , confused... 85 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:38,780 "He's got the nose. Hmmm, possible." 86 00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,380 It's a stereotype about Parsis. 87 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:49,740 That if a Parsi man with a hard on walked into a glassdoor, 88 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:50,860 he would break his nose. 89 00:04:57,620 --> 00:04:58,660 Stereotype... 90 00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:05,660 That's why, conscious of it. 91 00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:08,700 My mom wanted me to be Parsi man 92 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,060 but she had married outside the community, 93 00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,980 so she was thrown out of the community, obviously. 94 00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:17,620 And muggles aren't allowed into Hogwarts. 95 00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:24,860 But mom had some money, so private tuition. 96 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:27,940 What you need to understand about the Parsi religion is, 97 00:05:28,020 --> 00:05:30,660 here are couple of rules about the Parsi Comic Universe, 98 00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:33,300 also known as the PCU. 99 00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:36,860 Parsis worship the elements, 100 00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:41,060 worship the elements, but it's represented by fire. 101 00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:47,140 Fire is Ironman. Carries the franchise, okay. 102 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:50,140 The other thing you need to know about Parsis is, Parsis also worship cows, 103 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,220 but we also enjoy them. 104 00:05:54,460 --> 00:05:56,060 We're like, "Our god is very tasty." 105 00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:03,500 We have no problem. We are like, cow is like 106 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:07,420 We are like . They've no problem. 107 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:12,700 There's a downside to enjoying cows and worshiping them. 108 00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:16,700 Is that when we get baptized, which in our version is called 'Navjote', 109 00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,220 we have to drink something called,'Taro' 110 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:20,620 which is cow's piss. 111 00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:24,180 If you don't believe me, you can ask any Parsi you know, 112 00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:27,620 it'll be difficult to find, but just you'll... 113 00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:29,820 You're, you're Parsi? Don't raise your hand, it's not a classroom. 114 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:35,220 It's fine. She's Parsi... We have to drink Taro, right? 115 00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:36,460 Yeah, we have to drink Taro. 116 00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:38,100 But it's not like a Taro party. 117 00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:41,260 It's not like everybody has glasses of like cow piss 118 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,420 and you're like . It's not like that. 119 00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,420 Okay, it's not that, that's not it. 120 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:51,180 It's basically you've to touch your lips to cow piss, alright, Taro. 121 00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:53,500 Now I've a cousin who is a motherfucker. 122 00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,180 Like not really the definition of the word, just the concept of the word. 123 00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:05,060 You get what I'm saying, right. 124 00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:08,180 So, this cousin he comes to me and he's like, 125 00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:12,700 "Neville, this, this Taro that they will give you, 126 00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:17,460 it's like the best fresh lime juice you've ever tasted." 127 00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:19,420 I am like, "really?" 128 00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:20,180 He's like, "Ya, 129 00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:22,860 but they are damn stingy with it ya. 130 00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:25,620 They will only want you to touch your lips. 131 00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:29,060 So when you get a chance, take a gulp." 132 00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:36,580 I am like, "thank you my brother. 133 00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,500 I will always trust family." 134 00:07:42,340 --> 00:07:44,820 So in my baptism, in my Navjote, 135 00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:47,740 the priest came close to me with this glass. 136 00:07:48,220 --> 00:07:51,260 And as he came close to me, I was like, Neville, this is your chance, go for it. 137 00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:53,100 So I was like, 138 00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:01,620 Surprise guys, it does not taste like fresh lime juice, 139 00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:04,060 tastes like cow's piss. 140 00:08:08,460 --> 00:08:09,180 It does. 141 00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:12,340 Like if you had to imagine what cow's piss would taste like. 142 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:15,540 That's how it tastes, alright. 143 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:17,540 Not anything spectacular. 144 00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:22,980 And I spat out piss. 145 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:25,300 On my god. 146 00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:27,260 And extinguished him. 147 00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:34,940 See I spat piss on my god, 148 00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:37,700 it's the strangest sentence in the English language. 149 00:08:38,580 --> 00:08:39,780 Because there are so many questions. 150 00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:42,060 They are like, "whose piss was it, why was it in your mouth, 151 00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:43,740 if it was in your mouth voluntarily, why did you spit it out? 152 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,980 Most importantly, what sort of sordid sexual act were you doing, 153 00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:46,900 where there was a god involved?" 154 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:54,540 What sort of weird kryptonite is this, no? 155 00:08:55,140 --> 00:08:55,980 For a god, 156 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,460 scared of water. 157 00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:00,580 All other gods are so cool, 158 00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:02,900 my god sits at home during the festival of Holi. 159 00:09:08,060 --> 00:09:08,860 Scared of water. 160 00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:18,740 There's a, there's a sweet dish called, Malido, 161 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,420 which is the best sweet dish you'll ever have. 162 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:24,500 It's only available at Parsi funerals. 163 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,540 Really, really. It's called Malido. 164 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:32,740 It's fucking great. It's orange in colour. It tastes great. 165 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,700 And it's only available at funerals. They don't give it anywhere else. 166 00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:39,620 If there's a Parsi person you know that's dying, just hang out with them. 167 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,980 Just do it now, become friends, go fucking eat it. 168 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,660 It's only available... I don't know what they put in it, the person's blood. 169 00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:49,060 I don't know why, but it's, it's oh my god, it's outstanding. 170 00:09:49,140 --> 00:09:52,460 But here's the sad part about it, there are only 69,000 Malido's left. 171 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:00,340 So bad... 172 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,380 You're explaining the joke to her, no? 173 00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:09,740 Also he needs to wipe his sweat. 174 00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:14,940 Too weird man. 175 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:18,660 What do you do? 176 00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:20,940 I'm a teacher. 177 00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:23,420 You're a teacher? So sweet. What do you do, what do you teach? 178 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:24,900 Online education, MBA subjects. 179 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:28,900 Online education, fuck. Great job. 180 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,220 What subjects do you teach online? 181 00:10:32,620 --> 00:10:33,700 Finance and accounts. 182 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,580 Finance and accounts you teach online? 183 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,300 Are you the person who sends emails into my inbox? 184 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,140 Saying, "I have found 160 million dollars in your name." 185 00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,780 It's not nice, you didn't reply, when I replied. 186 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:03,500 Once a man hits puberty, 187 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:05,940 he has to masturbate, 188 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,740 once every 15 days. 189 00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:12,220 If you don't, your brain will conjure up an image, 190 00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:15,500 and you will get a wet dream and you will masturbate. 191 00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:17,540 And you will get papad pants. 192 00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:24,460 Okay. Do you know what papad pants are? 193 00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:27,700 No? Allow me to explain papad pants. 194 00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:32,540 Are you over 18? 195 00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:34,460 You're 23, then you're fine. 196 00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:36,740 I can explain this to you legally without getting into any trouble. 197 00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:38,900 Papad pants, 198 00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:43,060 basically when you cum in your shorts, 199 00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:46,820 they become like starch, when they dry up. That's Papad pants. 200 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:49,220 You thought I was gonna make it gross no? No. 201 00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:51,500 But you know what's the worst feeling? 202 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,820 It's like when the papad pants, like when it dries up on your dick, 203 00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:57,780 right, then when you have to pull it out right, 204 00:11:57,860 --> 00:12:00,500 it's really bad, it's like 205 00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:04,940 And when it comes out of the eye, it's worse, it's like . 206 00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:09,980 It's like ripping off a band-aid with the cut being the eye of your dick. 207 00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:14,180 It's very bad. It's very... 208 00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:15,460 Most men have already gone, 209 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:19,580 "I remember." 210 00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:23,300 I'll tell you a solution to this. 211 00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:27,180 Solution to this is really simple. Just pee. It loosens the starch. 212 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,580 So ya, papad pants. 213 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,100 A man who hits puberty, once you hit puberty, 214 00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:40,860 you have to masturbate once every 15 days. 215 00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:43,300 My mom was in the hospital for 45. 216 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:52,180 Which means 3 times, if you do the maths. Right? 217 00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:53,740 Now see in your head, you're not laughing at this because, 218 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:54,500 you're in your head thinking, 219 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:56,780 "Chee, how can you enjoy when your mom is inside a hospital?" 220 00:12:56,980 --> 00:13:01,540 I didn't enjoy. You've to understand this was a functional cum. 221 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,260 Okay, it was therapeutic. 222 00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:06,860 It was like a cry for my penis. 223 00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:10,380 Okay, like if you have a break up, you watch a rom com and you eat ice cream. 224 00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:11,300 This was that. 225 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,060 It was like, 226 00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:15,300 That's what it was. It's fine 227 00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:18,100 Why did I give you such a graphic image? 228 00:13:18,180 --> 00:13:19,620 Because it's a segue to my next joke. 229 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:21,700 Which is... 230 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:24,180 That with which relative in the hospital, 231 00:13:26,420 --> 00:13:27,940 is it okay for you to masturbate. 232 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:33,780 You'll are all thinking, which relative. 233 00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:37,580 If a neighbour's in the hospital, can you masturbate? Of course you can. 234 00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:39,340 It's okay, just go ahead, do it. 235 00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,260 It's okay, what difference does it make? Shake it. 236 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,700 If an uncle's in the hospital, do you do it? 237 00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:49,820 Of course, uncle's only taught us how to masturbate. 238 00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:55,380 When I do this joke... when I did this joke at the last show, 239 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,060 there was a pocket of silence there. 240 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,300 They were all like, "How does he know?" 241 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,700 Every family has a 'molesty' uncle. 242 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:09,100 Every family has this touchy feely uncle. 243 00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:12,420 You know the one who will put his hand like that and move his fingers and go... 244 00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:15,260 That guy. 245 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,300 Even I had one. 246 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,060 He died. 247 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:21,660 And when he died I came on his face. 248 00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:26,540 That was intentionally therapeutic. 249 00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:29,940 I was like, "You wanted this, right. Take it" 250 00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:33,940 Enjoy! 251 00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:38,700 He got papad face. 252 00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:50,340 I have never enjoyed a joke more than that in my life. 253 00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:54,140 And believe me it's the first time I did it. 254 00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:04,740 I'm that age now man 255 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,500 Not that fucking 'molesty' uncle age, 256 00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:10,340 that's not what I meant, that's not what I meant... 257 00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:14,060 Like I'm old, I'm 38. I'm, I'm fucking old, I'm that, I'm that... 258 00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:15,980 The problem with my age is no, 259 00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:20,140 that, that society doesn't have a moniker for my age group. 260 00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:22,540 Like like brother is too young, uncle's too old. 261 00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:23,700 Like people look at me and like, 262 00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:26,140 "Hey, won't call him uncle, he has white hair, 263 00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:27,580 but he wears t-shirts. Unsure of what we can do." 264 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,620 Like you know it's, it's weird, like what, what, what is happening. 265 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:34,620 "He says Yo, but he can't even stand." Like it's weird, like... like... 266 00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:40,660 Society doesn't have, they don't have a moniker, 267 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,260 because brother's too young and uncle's too... 268 00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:46,780 There's no 'buncle.' That buncle fits perfectly, right. 269 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:50,700 "Buncle is walking. Today buncle seems angry, won't return our ball." 270 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,900 "Today buncle and bunty are going to have fun." 271 00:15:58,900 --> 00:15:59,620 Bunty? 272 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:10,780 I'm 38 man, fucking, I'm old ya. I'm damn old. 273 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:16,780 I mean I feel old, you know. And I'm damn unfit also. Damn... 274 00:16:16,860 --> 00:16:20,300 I know it shows, calm down. I'm damn unfit. 275 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:22,420 I'm so unfit I don't even walk into trouble. 276 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,700 If trouble is there, I'm like, "No, you come here." 277 00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:30,780 I'm not coming to you. 278 00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:37,140 I'm really really... 279 00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:40,140 I'm so lazy now, like when I fly, I just ask for a wheelchair. 280 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:45,300 There's no paperwork required. Have you noticed? Nothing. 281 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,700 Just walk up to the counter, with a limp. 282 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,980 Don't change your leg in the middle, just... 283 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,500 Go there and be like, "I need a wheel chair." 284 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:53,740 They'll give it to you. 285 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,980 And the guy who's pushing your chair is older than you are. 286 00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,180 And you're like, "Uncle, could you go faster please? 287 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:01,060 I want to give my friends the finger." 288 00:17:09,180 --> 00:17:10,660 I fucking hate youths. 289 00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:13,660 They're just so happy all the time. 290 00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:17,740 Why? What is so great in your life? 291 00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:22,260 One rickshaw driver agreed to take you, so what have you achieved in life? 292 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:24,100 I mean, this happy? 293 00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:27,580 Where is so much optimism coming from, man? 294 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,220 Where is this fucking serotonin coming from? 295 00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:32,420 Serotonin's made everyone silent. 296 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,940 You'll haven't read a book. 297 00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:40,580 Serotonin for those of you who have never picked up a book, is the... 298 00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:44,660 It's the happy hormone. It works in the brain. 299 00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:47,660 I know this now, because I go to therapy. 300 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:51,740 I'm still not happy, but... 301 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:54,220 I know about it. 302 00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,580 I don't understand why are you people so happy in life. 303 00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,300 Why there's so much optimism? 304 00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:00,700 I've a nephew who's 17. 305 00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:01,740 Okay 306 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:03,740 He's so fuckin' happy with everything. 307 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:04,780 17 308 00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:05,700 He came to me the other day. He's like, 309 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:06,900 "Neville uncle, Neville uncle, 310 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:09,620 right now I'm a grape and will grow up to become a wine" 311 00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,660 I'm like, "No dickwart. You will grow up to become a raisin." 312 00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:21,580 So much confidence? 313 00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:22,620 Wine? 314 00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:28,260 I don't get these youth man. 315 00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:31,100 Their partying is unreal. 316 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,980 How much power will you endow the 1st of January with? 317 00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:41,540 Like New Year's Eve, they go mad 318 00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:43,940 If you are above 30...just.. 319 00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,420 Have you ever had a good New Year's eve? 320 00:18:46,340 --> 00:18:47,740 You can't. It's not possible. 321 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,460 It's not possible. 322 00:18:49,540 --> 00:18:51,540 Because you put so much pressure on that party, 323 00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:53,180 that party is also, "Bro, I'm just a party" 324 00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,220 "I can only deliver this much." 325 00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:00,860 How much pressure? 326 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,140 And these youths, nowadays have learnt new words. 327 00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:06,860 So they are like, "My this year was full of toxicity." 328 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,580 "I was all toxic inside." 329 00:19:11,340 --> 00:19:14,460 "I'm going to throw away this toxicity next year." 330 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,380 "Vicky also dumped me." 331 00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:19,460 "He was an asshole." 332 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,380 "I don't want any of this toxicity. 333 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:25,260 And one sunset and sunrise will change that." 334 00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:31,180 "I will be a better person tomorrow." 335 00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:35,940 You can't possibly have it. How much power you will.... 336 00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:38,420 You fuckin' wake up on the 1st of January with a headache 337 00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:40,580 and Vicky sleeping next to you. 338 00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:48,580 And you are like, "Hey Vicky 339 00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,580 "Do we do it again?" 340 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,220 I don't understand these youths. 341 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,460 You know what I do on New Year's Eve? 342 00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:05,300 I call the cops. 343 00:20:12,980 --> 00:20:14,180 So gratifying. 344 00:20:15,260 --> 00:20:17,420 I'm like, "Listen, there's a party happening in front. Go fuck them." 345 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:20,660 He goes then. 346 00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:23,940 I'm like, "Sir, I saw them giving 1000, give me 500." 347 00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:26,940 I make money. 348 00:20:32,340 --> 00:20:33,220 I don't like youths. 349 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,180 I don't like...these youths no... 350 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,740 There's one thing that I really like about the youths though. 351 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,980 One thing,..It's a great skill set, don't ever loose it. 352 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:44,100 Whatever they do, they do with passion. 353 00:20:45,540 --> 00:20:47,860 They fuckin' put their heart and soul into it. 354 00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:49,420 They're like "I'll do this 355 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,620 for only fifteen seconds." 356 00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,500 "I will then move on to the next hashtag." 357 00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:11,180 And mad energy these mothterfuckers have. 358 00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:15,820 How old are you sir? 359 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:16,460 21 360 00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:17,300 21 361 00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:19,260 What is this first row? 362 00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:21,060 Who made these people sit there? 363 00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:24,460 This is exactly the opposite of my TG. 364 00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:27,740 They're like, "Hey, we came to watch YTFF." 365 00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:31,100 "But he's showing us life." 366 00:21:35,620 --> 00:21:36,700 What you want to become when you grow up? 367 00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:37,540 Director 368 00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:38,660 You wanna be a director? 369 00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:39,620 It's not gonna happen. 370 00:21:42,340 --> 00:21:43,220 Sorry to tell you. 371 00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:46,620 You'll become an Assistant Director at best. 372 00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:53,580 Because life. 373 00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:03,260 I'm just fuckin' disappointed. 374 00:22:03,820 --> 00:22:06,300 I think I was born disappointed. That's the problem with me. 375 00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:09,140 Right like, if any point in my life you came to me 376 00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:09,980 and you were like, "Neville, how are you?" 377 00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:10,860 "Disappointed." 378 00:22:12,060 --> 00:22:13,780 There's no, there's no other thing. 379 00:22:13,860 --> 00:22:16,340 And for me I think the cynicism bandwagon started really early. 380 00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:18,220 Like it started when I was 16 years old. 381 00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:19,940 I think that's the first time it happened. 382 00:22:20,180 --> 00:22:22,580 Right. Like my first major disappointment. 383 00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:23,460 It happened much before as well. 384 00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:24,580 Will know later in the show. 385 00:22:26,380 --> 00:22:28,220 But that one was first I remember clearly. 386 00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:30,500 I wanted to be an Air Force pilot when I was 16. 387 00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:32,180 Thank you. 388 00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:36,740 Thank you for your confidence. 389 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:39,340 You'll are looking at me, "How will he fit in the plane?" 390 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:46,540 Earlier it was possible. Okay. 391 00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:50,980 I wanted to be an Air Force pilot when I was 16 man. 392 00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:53,900 I wanted to be an Air Force... and I did everything that needed to be done 393 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:55,580 to be an Air Force pilot. 394 00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:56,540 Everything 395 00:22:56,620 --> 00:22:59,060 Like.. I did like running, physics 396 00:22:59,220 --> 00:23:00,340 I fuckin' ran around 397 00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:01,980 I joined the NCC 398 00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:05,380 I wore those fuckin' shorts that are worn by the RSS. 399 00:23:05,780 --> 00:23:07,180 Fuckin' wore a pom-pom 400 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,740 Ran, shot from a 303, injured my shoulder. 401 00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:12,740 I did all of this and then they finally put us in one big line 402 00:23:12,820 --> 00:23:13,740 and they said, "Breathe in" 403 00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:14,500 And I went 404 00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:15,700 "Breathe out" 405 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:17,180 Fail 406 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:20,460 I failed at breathing. 407 00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:27,580 I failed at the most involuntary life skill set. 408 00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:30,820 Breathing. 409 00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:33,620 So then I asked these Air Force guys, "Hey listen, 410 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:35,260 why do you need so much oxygen?" 411 00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:38,620 So they're like, "You know when you're doing an inverted turn 412 00:23:38,820 --> 00:23:41,620 sometimes you get a lot of G's in your brain and you need the oxygen..." 413 00:23:41,700 --> 00:23:42,860 And I'm like, "You guys are lying." 414 00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:46,100 They're like, "Yes, we are Air Force. The Air Force lies." 415 00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,260 I wasn't talking about any recent events. 416 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:00,900 Why will Air Force lie? They have planes. 417 00:24:00,980 --> 00:24:02,180 The plane can piss anywhere. 418 00:24:06,540 --> 00:24:07,500 Oh school.. 419 00:24:10,540 --> 00:24:11,620 Online education 420 00:24:23,540 --> 00:24:24,860 I'm really really disappointed. 421 00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:25,340 Really 422 00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:27,940 My second disappointment happened when I was 19. 423 00:24:28,460 --> 00:24:29,220 One Nine 424 00:24:32,820 --> 00:24:37,180 When I was 19, there was this thing that afflicted the human race. 425 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:39,260 It was called Y2K 426 00:24:40,260 --> 00:24:40,780 Okay 427 00:24:41,060 --> 00:24:45,300 Y2K was a virus that afflicted computers in the year 1999 428 00:24:45,740 --> 00:24:49,460 when computers couldn't recalibrate how to go from 31st December 1999 429 00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:51,580 to 1st January 2000. 430 00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:54,060 They were like, "How do we do this? Call Aryabhatta." 431 00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:58,060 They were very confused. They were like, "zeroooo" 432 00:24:58,260 --> 00:25:00,660 They were going mad. They couldn't handle. 433 00:25:01,380 --> 00:25:05,420 And there were Op-eds written, fuckin' newspaper articles, magazine articles 434 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:06,140 Everything 435 00:25:06,220 --> 00:25:07,540 Everything written saying that, 436 00:25:07,620 --> 00:25:09,740 "Planes will be flying in the air and they'll just crash." 437 00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:11,140 "Humankind will be extinct." 438 00:25:11,220 --> 00:25:13,580 "Babies will be coming out through vaginas and they'll stop midway." 439 00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:14,660 It was fuckin' great. 440 00:25:17,060 --> 00:25:19,540 All of this, all of this. It was supposed to happen. 441 00:25:19,620 --> 00:25:22,100 I woke up on the 1st of January and nothing, everyone's still here. 442 00:25:23,220 --> 00:25:23,660 How disappointing! 443 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:25,700 My mom serving me parathas and I'm like, "You're also here." 444 00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:31,180 How disappointing! 445 00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:34,540 Fuckin' Y2K 446 00:25:35,100 --> 00:25:36,580 Y2K was the first Thanos. 447 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:43,980 I'm like... 448 00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:51,460 I'm orphan, right. I became an orphan 449 00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:52,860 Became an orphan 450 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:55,700 It's fine. 451 00:25:56,740 --> 00:25:58,300 My mom said I can make these jokes. 452 00:25:58,980 --> 00:25:59,780 It's in the will. 453 00:26:01,180 --> 00:26:02,380 She didn't give me a house or anything. 454 00:26:02,580 --> 00:26:03,940 So she said, "Make jokes about me." 455 00:26:10,620 --> 00:26:12,420 I became an orphan at 456 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:13,820 35 457 00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:18,980 It's a little too late to become an orphan. 458 00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:22,060 Right... 459 00:26:22,260 --> 00:26:23,660 like when you picture an orphan, you're thinking like 460 00:26:23,740 --> 00:26:24,900 This fuckin' 461 00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:31,980 Oliver Twist type motherfucker. 462 00:26:34,460 --> 00:26:36,060 This is the problem when I became an orphan, right. 463 00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:39,060 Nobody gave me the sympathy that I thought I deserved. 464 00:26:39,340 --> 00:26:41,500 Everybody was like, "Hey asshole, give money for mother's hospital bill. 465 00:26:41,580 --> 00:26:42,380 Fuck off." 466 00:26:42,820 --> 00:26:45,780 But when a two-year old becomes an orphan, everyone is kind towards that person. 467 00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:46,780 For a two-year old.. 468 00:26:46,860 --> 00:26:48,620 I was 35. I knew my parents a lot longer. 469 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,900 For a two-year old what, why you are giving so much sympathy. 470 00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:53,540 A two-year old doesn't even understand the concept of parents. 471 00:26:54,300 --> 00:26:56,340 For him, it's like, "Those who used to come yesterday, won't be coming today." 472 00:27:01,660 --> 00:27:03,500 When I became an orphan, things became clear to me. 473 00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:04,740 A couple of things became clear to me. 474 00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:05,460 Right. 475 00:27:07,900 --> 00:27:10,100 When I lost my mom at 35 476 00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:12,860 there were two emotions that hit me really hard. 477 00:27:13,580 --> 00:27:14,260 Two emotions. 478 00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:17,060 90% of it was loss 479 00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:20,580 and 10% was freedom. 480 00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:24,420 Stay with me. 481 00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:27,100 I'll give you an example. I'll tell you why. 482 00:27:27,620 --> 00:27:28,460 I was eating dinner 483 00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:30,660 couple of weeks after my mom died 484 00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:33,380 at the same table that my mom and me would eat dinner at. 485 00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:35,380 Was eating dinner and midway through my meal I looked up 486 00:27:35,460 --> 00:27:38,060 and I didn't see mom and I felt the loss 487 00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:39,540 that was palpable. 488 00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:41,860 90% loss palpable 489 00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:42,500 Feel 490 00:27:42,860 --> 00:27:43,300 I felt 491 00:27:44,820 --> 00:27:45,540 But then 492 00:27:46,220 --> 00:27:47,540 right after the meal got over 493 00:27:48,260 --> 00:27:49,620 I lit a cigarette right there 494 00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:51,380 at the table 495 00:27:52,220 --> 00:27:53,220 10% freedom 496 00:27:54,220 --> 00:27:56,140 You can't smoke in front of your mother. 497 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:57,900 I can't risk my life. 498 00:28:01,140 --> 00:28:02,460 I like pudding, but not so much. 499 00:28:07,860 --> 00:28:10,060 90% loss, 10% freedom man. 500 00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:12,540 When I came an orphan... 501 00:28:13,260 --> 00:28:15,100 I actually think that you know... 502 00:28:15,180 --> 00:28:15,740 I mean... 503 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:18,780 I was 18, twenty years ago 504 00:28:18,980 --> 00:28:20,260 but I wasn't an adult. 505 00:28:20,660 --> 00:28:22,820 I think I became an adult at 35. 506 00:28:23,580 --> 00:28:25,980 I became an adult when I lost my mom and became an orphan 507 00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:26,700 because I think 508 00:28:27,340 --> 00:28:29,220 only when you're an orphan, can you actually be an adult. 509 00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:31,620 Because even if one parent is alive, you get to hear the words, 510 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:32,620 "You are ruining our family name." 511 00:28:35,260 --> 00:28:36,220 Now whose name am I ruining? 512 00:28:36,300 --> 00:28:37,380 My own. 513 00:28:37,980 --> 00:28:39,340 Now if I go to jail, I'll have to call myself only, 514 00:28:39,420 --> 00:28:40,820 "Hello, you've ruined your reputation. Okay bye." 515 00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:46,380 Fuck, ruined the reputation. 516 00:28:49,220 --> 00:28:51,140 You only become an adult then. 517 00:28:51,300 --> 00:28:52,300 Only become an adult then. 518 00:28:52,780 --> 00:28:54,900 Because you realise sadly, as an orphan, you've to do paper work. 519 00:28:56,260 --> 00:28:58,540 This shitty, fuckin' government paperwork 520 00:28:58,620 --> 00:28:59,700 or else you will become homeless. 521 00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:01,100 You know. 522 00:29:01,300 --> 00:29:02,460 Have you ever opened an account? 523 00:29:02,620 --> 00:29:03,380 on your own? 524 00:29:03,780 --> 00:29:04,420 No, of course not. 525 00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:05,260 Both your parents are alive. 526 00:29:06,780 --> 00:29:08,300 Have you closed an account? 527 00:29:08,860 --> 00:29:10,580 Don't worry, nobody ever closes an account. 528 00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:12,340 It's too much of a pain. 529 00:29:12,780 --> 00:29:14,180 It's just like, "Let it be, fuck it." 530 00:29:14,460 --> 00:29:15,340 "Let the money stay there." 531 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:15,700 Nobody. 532 00:29:15,780 --> 00:29:18,540 You can't, you can't do paperwork because whatever paperwork it is 533 00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:20,540 rent agreement, whatever, you'll always consult parents. 534 00:29:21,100 --> 00:29:23,980 And the thing is you don't get the time to adjust. 535 00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:26,780 There's no time to adjust. You become an adult. 536 00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:29,580 One day you are like not doing paperwork, the next day you've to do paperwork. 537 00:29:29,740 --> 00:29:31,740 Like when my mom passed away, I needed to get a death certificate. 538 00:29:31,820 --> 00:29:32,860 So I was like, "Mom, how do you go..." 539 00:29:40,060 --> 00:29:40,700 It's true. 540 00:29:42,260 --> 00:29:43,300 It's tough man. 541 00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:46,900 That and filling bottles. 542 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,660 Fuckin' hate filling water bottles. 543 00:29:55,220 --> 00:29:57,540 If one parent is also in the house, you're like, "I'll piss blood 544 00:29:57,620 --> 00:29:58,860 but still won't fill water bottles." 545 00:30:01,180 --> 00:30:09,900 Fucker will stand 546 00:30:12,420 --> 00:30:13,340 Filter needs to be changed. 547 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:16,580 Fuck, it's so irritating. 548 00:30:18,060 --> 00:30:19,180 Adulthood is tough man. 549 00:30:21,060 --> 00:30:21,700 It's tough. 550 00:30:22,620 --> 00:30:24,300 I lost my mom in 2016 551 00:30:25,260 --> 00:30:26,860 and that same year was really shitty 552 00:30:26,940 --> 00:30:28,820 because I also went to get a divorce. 553 00:30:29,740 --> 00:30:31,980 Getting a divorce in this country is impossible. 554 00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:34,620 It is so difficult to get a divorce 555 00:30:34,700 --> 00:30:36,780 because everyone wants you to stay married. 556 00:30:39,140 --> 00:30:40,300 It doesn't matter who they are. 557 00:30:40,340 --> 00:30:42,340 Her family, my family, everyone else's family... 558 00:30:42,420 --> 00:30:44,500 Even uber driver says, "Sir, stay married. Sir." 559 00:30:47,740 --> 00:30:49,340 I'm like, "Asshole, just drive." 560 00:30:50,940 --> 00:30:52,940 He's like, "Sir, 5-star rating." 561 00:30:54,700 --> 00:30:56,060 I'm like, "I'll give you 2.5 only" 562 00:30:56,860 --> 00:30:58,180 "Take the remaining 2.5 from her." 563 00:31:00,620 --> 00:31:02,820 "If you wait for a year or two, she'll give you all 5 stars." 564 00:31:12,940 --> 00:31:14,420 I had to apply for a divorce man. 565 00:31:15,660 --> 00:31:17,220 And the thing is when I tell people I'm getting a divorce 566 00:31:17,300 --> 00:31:19,580 they give me more sympathy than when I told them I was being an orphan. 567 00:31:20,540 --> 00:31:22,940 I'm like, "Assholes, where was this sympathy when my mom died." 568 00:31:23,980 --> 00:31:25,220 Stupid people. 569 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:28,460 But you get this. It's damn irritating. 570 00:31:29,580 --> 00:31:32,140 Getting a divorce is really difficult in this country. It's too difficult. 571 00:31:32,940 --> 00:31:33,700 It's too difficult. 572 00:31:34,140 --> 00:31:36,980 Because like the system is designed to keep you married. 573 00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:41,980 It's so much effort. You're like, "Leave it." 574 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:44,300 "Will stay at home and fuck other people." 575 00:31:44,460 --> 00:31:47,180 It's so, it's like...you're just like, "Fuck it." 576 00:31:48,060 --> 00:31:49,540 "This is not worth it." 577 00:31:49,940 --> 00:31:51,260 Coz it's ridiculous. 578 00:31:51,340 --> 00:31:52,740 Sometimes you fall in love with your wife again, 579 00:31:52,820 --> 00:31:53,980 because you are finding the system. 580 00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:58,500 You're like, "We're in it together. I love you." 581 00:32:02,380 --> 00:32:04,860 Any reason they'll give you to stay married. Any reason. 582 00:32:05,420 --> 00:32:06,420 They'll be like, "No..." 583 00:32:06,580 --> 00:32:07,460 The judge 584 00:32:07,860 --> 00:32:09,780 First of all, it's not like you've seen it. 585 00:32:09,860 --> 00:32:11,100 It's not visualized...like 586 00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:13,900 There's this guy who's just there behind a stack of papers. 587 00:32:14,780 --> 00:32:16,980 There's no witness stand or anything. It's just there. Ehh 588 00:32:19,180 --> 00:32:20,660 And then we'll be like, "We want to get a divorce." 589 00:32:20,740 --> 00:32:22,140 "Why you want to get a divorce. Don't get a divorce. 590 00:32:22,220 --> 00:32:24,140 It's too much paperwork. Stay together for the environment." 591 00:32:31,740 --> 00:32:33,460 Like any reason to ... 592 00:32:34,060 --> 00:32:37,260 Right outside the judge's chamber 593 00:32:37,380 --> 00:32:40,740 Right outside there's a chart paper, okay? 594 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:43,340 on which there's a drawing, okay? 595 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:45,140 made by a child who I'm sure 596 00:32:45,220 --> 00:32:48,980 his parents were fighting for custody while he was drawing this. 597 00:32:51,860 --> 00:32:52,380 Okay? 598 00:32:52,460 --> 00:32:54,060 Because this drawing is just depressing, 599 00:32:54,140 --> 00:32:56,940 It's a tree drawn in sketch pen 600 00:32:57,100 --> 00:32:58,700 but there are smudges from tears 601 00:32:59,940 --> 00:33:00,940 that you can see. 602 00:33:01,820 --> 00:33:03,260 Right? It's just there, okay. 603 00:33:03,340 --> 00:33:06,380 And this tree is there, and there's fuckin' in stencil there's a line written. 604 00:33:06,460 --> 00:33:08,100 It says, "Marriage is like a tree." 605 00:33:10,300 --> 00:33:12,340 "Only one person should not water it." 606 00:33:17,820 --> 00:33:19,260 "Your analogy is wrong." 607 00:33:21,460 --> 00:33:22,580 "What do you mean tree?" 608 00:33:23,580 --> 00:33:24,860 First of all, it's a tree. 609 00:33:25,940 --> 00:33:27,660 It does not matter who's watering it. 610 00:33:28,380 --> 00:33:29,700 It will grow on it's own. 611 00:33:30,540 --> 00:33:33,180 If I piss on it, it will grow better. 612 00:33:33,460 --> 00:33:35,300 Because my piss has urea in it. 613 00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:40,180 Biggest problem in this sentence. 614 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:41,980 "Only one person should not water it." Then how many? 615 00:33:42,100 --> 00:33:43,500 That is the problem in the marriage. 616 00:33:57,340 --> 00:33:58,100 So weird. 617 00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:02,900 Fucking it's just so difficult to get a divorce. It's impossible. 618 00:34:02,980 --> 00:34:04,860 It doesn't matter. Love marriage, arranged marriage. 619 00:34:04,940 --> 00:34:05,900 It doesn't matter. 620 00:34:05,980 --> 00:34:06,620 Like 621 00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:08,460 Getting a divorce 622 00:34:09,260 --> 00:34:10,500 It's strategic. 623 00:34:11,420 --> 00:34:12,500 It's like playing chess. 624 00:34:13,580 --> 00:34:14,060 Right. 625 00:34:14,140 --> 00:34:15,180 And you've to be damn smart. 626 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:18,860 First of all, you've to pretend like you don't want to play chess. 627 00:34:22,100 --> 00:34:24,220 Because the more you want to play chess, the more fucked you will get. 628 00:34:25,260 --> 00:34:26,220 Right? So you are playing chess. 629 00:34:26,300 --> 00:34:30,940 And then I move my queen and check 630 00:34:31,940 --> 00:34:33,860 And she's like, "I don't want to play chess." 631 00:34:38,100 --> 00:34:38,940 Means? 632 00:34:42,140 --> 00:34:44,060 And the more you wish to play chess, 633 00:34:44,140 --> 00:34:45,580 the more you will get fucked. 634 00:34:47,580 --> 00:34:49,740 There was this law that existed till Jan. 635 00:34:49,820 --> 00:34:51,180 I got my divorce in December. 636 00:34:51,780 --> 00:34:54,100 Okay. There was this law that existed till January. 637 00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:57,260 Then it got overturned. 638 00:34:57,900 --> 00:35:00,140 Because, "Let's fuck Neville." 639 00:35:01,660 --> 00:35:02,740 This was the law, okay. 640 00:35:02,980 --> 00:35:04,740 Now, just for the sake of this joke. 641 00:35:04,940 --> 00:35:06,260 23 , you and I are married. 642 00:35:07,180 --> 00:35:08,620 Okay, just for the sake of this joke. 643 00:35:09,100 --> 00:35:11,780 My lawyers told me to say that sentence. I can't afford alimony anymore. 644 00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:16,740 So just for the sake of this joke, you and I are married. 645 00:35:16,940 --> 00:35:19,500 And I cheat on you. Okay, it's a joke. 646 00:35:20,940 --> 00:35:22,660 You and I are married. I cheat on you. 647 00:35:23,060 --> 00:35:24,860 I go to jail. I'm criminally liable. 648 00:35:26,060 --> 00:35:28,100 If you cheat on me, you don't go to jail. 649 00:35:28,540 --> 00:35:30,620 But the guy who cheated on me with, he goes to jail. 650 00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:36,460 What law is this? That man is totally unaware. 651 00:35:37,540 --> 00:35:38,420 He's fucking. 652 00:35:40,540 --> 00:35:42,340 Every thrust is one year in prison. 653 00:35:43,340 --> 00:35:44,780 He cums. Life imprisonment. 654 00:35:52,700 --> 00:35:54,060 You know why this law existed? 655 00:35:55,740 --> 00:35:58,340 This law existed because women were considered property. 656 00:35:58,860 --> 00:36:01,100 And property, cannot commit a crime. 657 00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:05,780 Who won that round? 658 00:36:06,940 --> 00:36:08,900 She guys, she won all the rounds. She has my property. 659 00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:19,820 It's tough man. That same year was also shitty 660 00:36:20,620 --> 00:36:21,940 because that was the same year, 661 00:36:22,060 --> 00:36:24,060 I found out that I was in depression 662 00:36:25,820 --> 00:36:27,220 Fucking 2016. 663 00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,060 Death. Depression. Divorce. 664 00:36:31,100 --> 00:36:32,140 I was fucked in 3D. 665 00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:39,060 Fucking so... 666 00:36:40,100 --> 00:36:42,460 So, the thing is I found out that I was in depression and 667 00:36:42,540 --> 00:36:43,820 I was depressed for a long time. 668 00:36:43,900 --> 00:36:45,380 Like I had problems for a very long time. 669 00:36:45,460 --> 00:36:46,540 The last 35 years I was an idiot. 670 00:36:46,620 --> 00:36:48,860 It's pretty much what it was, right. Summarised to. 671 00:36:50,060 --> 00:36:52,700 The problem with depression and being a man 672 00:36:52,860 --> 00:36:55,580 is that you will never admit that you have a problem 673 00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,540 because men aren't vulnerable. 674 00:36:58,820 --> 00:37:00,460 We are not allowed to be vulnerable. 675 00:37:00,780 --> 00:37:03,260 So we aren't vulberable to a point where... 676 00:37:03,860 --> 00:37:07,380 We are like, No, I have Testosterone. I can make this better. 677 00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:10,340 No. No. I have Testosterone and I can make myself better. 678 00:37:10,420 --> 00:37:12,420 Asshole! It's Testosterone not Serotonin 679 00:37:14,780 --> 00:37:16,700 Fuckers, I had set up Serotonin. 680 00:37:18,180 --> 00:37:19,220 What are you guys doing? 681 00:37:19,940 --> 00:37:21,500 I had set up that joke in the first half, 682 00:37:21,740 --> 00:37:23,060 explained Serotonin too 683 00:37:23,940 --> 00:37:25,300 Useless you lot are. 684 00:37:26,540 --> 00:37:27,940 Fucked this joke completely. 685 00:37:30,820 --> 00:37:32,460 It's tough man. It's tough. 686 00:37:32,540 --> 00:37:33,380 Like I... 687 00:37:33,460 --> 00:37:36,660 The way I found out that I had depression is that my life was over. 688 00:37:37,940 --> 00:37:39,100 Like I was in the gutter. 689 00:37:39,180 --> 00:37:40,540 Finished. I was finished. 690 00:37:40,740 --> 00:37:42,780 There was like nothing else. I didn't have a choice. 691 00:37:42,860 --> 00:37:44,380 They were like, "Let's go." I was like let's go. 692 00:37:45,260 --> 00:37:46,500 So I went. 693 00:37:47,980 --> 00:37:49,100 I reached there. 694 00:37:49,540 --> 00:37:50,540 I was asked to sit. 695 00:37:50,740 --> 00:37:51,540 Heard me out. 696 00:37:53,580 --> 00:37:55,100 Now, I've been doing this for a long time. 697 00:37:55,180 --> 00:37:57,260 I have been going to therapy for... 698 00:37:58,900 --> 00:37:59,820 Three and a half years 699 00:37:59,900 --> 00:38:00,980 because I have money 700 00:38:02,260 --> 00:38:03,220 Sorry, I had money. 701 00:38:05,780 --> 00:38:06,460 So I have been going to the, 702 00:38:06,540 --> 00:38:08,180 I have been going to theraphy for three and a half years right? 703 00:38:08,260 --> 00:38:09,740 So I have been doing this for a long time now. 704 00:38:09,780 --> 00:38:10,740 So I get lot of questions. 705 00:38:10,820 --> 00:38:12,740 People keep asking me, "Hey Neville, why do you go to therapy? 706 00:38:12,820 --> 00:38:13,580 Why do you keep going to therapy?" 707 00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:14,780 First of all, everyone should go to theraphy. 708 00:38:14,860 --> 00:38:15,620 I think its important. 709 00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:16,780 You meet your inner asshole. 710 00:38:16,860 --> 00:38:17,580 It's great! 711 00:38:17,660 --> 00:38:18,580 Ok, you should just go. 712 00:38:18,660 --> 00:38:20,300 It's like a cold for your brain. 713 00:38:20,380 --> 00:38:21,340 Like you know, just go. 714 00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:22,540 I mean if you had a cold, 715 00:38:22,620 --> 00:38:24,460 you'd go to a doctor otherwise you would die of pneumonia. 716 00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:25,940 Right! Got it! 717 00:38:26,060 --> 00:38:26,780 You are not going to be all, 718 00:38:26,860 --> 00:38:28,780 'Hey no, what if the neighbour saw me going to the doctor.' 719 00:38:31,420 --> 00:38:32,540 If your neighbour saw, let him go fuck himself! 720 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:34,180 Better go and sneeze on him. ! 721 00:38:35,260 --> 00:38:36,220 Now you go and take them along too. 722 00:38:37,580 --> 00:38:38,820 Let's all go to the therapist. 723 00:38:39,660 --> 00:38:41,540 Anyways my therapist, is a family therapist. 724 00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:42,940 All the comedians go to him. 725 00:38:48,700 --> 00:38:49,420 That's the thing man. 726 00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,540 So we had to, I went to therapy right. 727 00:38:51,620 --> 00:38:52,780 And a lot of people ask me questions. 728 00:38:52,860 --> 00:38:55,340 They ask me very basic questions and they are great questions. 729 00:38:55,420 --> 00:38:58,740 Like, "Neville, when did you realise you needed therapy?" 730 00:38:59,180 --> 00:39:00,180 Too late. 731 00:39:01,580 --> 00:39:04,540 Too late. I will give you an analogy, like when do you call a plumber? 732 00:39:04,940 --> 00:39:07,260 When you flush and the water gurgles up, 733 00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:10,420 not when you flush and your shit overflows. 734 00:39:10,820 --> 00:39:12,100 Hey Sujata, you're also here. 735 00:39:12,180 --> 00:39:13,140 Very late. 736 00:39:14,700 --> 00:39:15,620 Very late. 737 00:39:16,660 --> 00:39:17,660 Very late. 738 00:39:19,260 --> 00:39:19,740 Second... 739 00:39:19,820 --> 00:39:20,820 Second question people ask me, 740 00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:24,860 second question is, "How did you find your therapist?" 741 00:39:25,180 --> 00:39:26,740 Like how did you find your therapist? 742 00:39:27,100 --> 00:39:28,140 It's a legit question. 743 00:39:28,460 --> 00:39:29,340 Because... 744 00:39:30,300 --> 00:39:31,820 Most therapist are amazing, 745 00:39:31,900 --> 00:39:33,260 like 90 percent of the therapist are amazing 746 00:39:33,300 --> 00:39:34,580 and the other 10 percent are soothsayers. 747 00:39:34,820 --> 00:39:35,700 But... 748 00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:40,940 So 90 percent therapist are amazing and it's kind of like a, 749 00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:43,380 it's of like a vibe thing, it's kind of like a dating thing, 750 00:39:43,460 --> 00:39:46,300 You, you need to bond! 751 00:39:46,380 --> 00:39:47,060 Got it. 752 00:39:47,140 --> 00:39:47,580 What are you wearing? 753 00:39:47,660 --> 00:39:48,700 You have to do this, 754 00:39:49,060 --> 00:39:49,980 with your therapist, right. 755 00:39:50,100 --> 00:39:52,220 Not, not. Don't do it. Its weird but... 756 00:39:52,420 --> 00:39:54,220 What I mean is that vibe needs to be happen, right? 757 00:39:54,300 --> 00:39:56,060 Like you need to understand, your therapist needs to understand you. 758 00:39:56,140 --> 00:39:57,500 And you need to make a connection, 759 00:39:57,580 --> 00:39:58,220 right? 760 00:39:58,300 --> 00:40:00,380 Now, when I was trying to find my therapist. 761 00:40:00,460 --> 00:40:01,780 I had come up with a plan. 762 00:40:02,060 --> 00:40:03,340 See, because I didn't want to go to therapy. 763 00:40:03,420 --> 00:40:04,940 I had come up with a genius plan. 764 00:40:05,260 --> 00:40:05,980 Genius! 765 00:40:06,380 --> 00:40:09,740 I was like, I will go to my therapist and I will lie. 766 00:40:11,180 --> 00:40:13,620 If my therapist catches it, great therapist. 767 00:40:15,180 --> 00:40:16,180 See you have to understand, 768 00:40:16,940 --> 00:40:18,420 Therapist don't give a fuck! 769 00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:20,940 Because they are human beings, 770 00:40:21,060 --> 00:40:22,860 and there are too many people willing to sneeze. 771 00:40:23,820 --> 00:40:25,460 Alright, so if you tell them you are a NASA scientist, 772 00:40:25,540 --> 00:40:27,060 they'll note down you are a NASA scientist. 773 00:40:27,540 --> 00:40:27,860 Right. 774 00:40:27,940 --> 00:40:28,460 So I went. 775 00:40:28,540 --> 00:40:29,260 to four of them 776 00:40:29,300 --> 00:40:29,900 lying... 777 00:40:30,180 --> 00:40:31,180 With my fourth therapist I realised, 778 00:40:31,260 --> 00:40:33,300 'Neville if you are lying to therapist, maybe you need therapy.' 779 00:40:37,380 --> 00:40:38,700 And so I found my man, 780 00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:41,780 who had me at Hello! 781 00:40:47,140 --> 00:40:49,780 And you have to understand it's not like its in the movies, 782 00:40:50,420 --> 00:40:51,180 It's not like it's in the movies. 783 00:40:51,260 --> 00:40:52,100 There is no couch. 784 00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:54,940 Fucking brand new swanky... 785 00:40:55,380 --> 00:40:56,140 There is no couch. 786 00:40:56,220 --> 00:40:58,380 There is no sunlight coming through a window. 787 00:40:58,460 --> 00:41:00,220 Perfect time of day, 788 00:41:00,300 --> 00:41:02,980 with dust coming from the book shelf next to it. 789 00:41:05,100 --> 00:41:07,500 There is no person sitting of your preferred gender, 790 00:41:07,540 --> 00:41:09,060 wearing what you would preferably want 791 00:41:09,100 --> 00:41:10,940 as they fucked you in the middle of a session. 792 00:41:11,060 --> 00:41:12,180 This doesn't happen. 793 00:41:12,260 --> 00:41:14,660 My guy is a fat, middle aged uncle with a paunch 794 00:41:14,740 --> 00:41:15,820 and his tie comes over it 795 00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:18,180 with a mustache he uses to hide his yawn. 796 00:41:22,420 --> 00:41:24,100 I have vetted this joke, he is okay with it. 797 00:41:28,860 --> 00:41:30,300 It's true because he is a normal human being. 798 00:41:30,340 --> 00:41:31,540 How much can one listen? 799 00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:35,340 Think about it, he is listening to my crap for the last three years. 800 00:41:36,220 --> 00:41:37,620 What you have heard in the last hour is 801 00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:39,300 what he has been listening to for the last three years! 802 00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:41,780 Yawning is understood. 803 00:41:43,420 --> 00:41:44,460 Fuck man! 804 00:41:44,940 --> 00:41:46,980 He is amazing, I have been going for three years and half years to him. 805 00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:48,180 Three and a half years, 806 00:41:49,180 --> 00:41:50,220 and therapy takes time. 807 00:41:50,460 --> 00:41:54,580 It does. It takes a long time to fix your brain. 808 00:41:54,660 --> 00:41:56,060 There are a lot of people who ask me also, 809 00:41:56,060 --> 00:41:57,460 "Neville, when you go to the therapist first time, 810 00:41:57,500 --> 00:42:00,580 how do you start making conversation? how do you talk to them?" 811 00:42:00,980 --> 00:42:01,860 Very legitamate question. 812 00:42:01,940 --> 00:42:04,100 Its kind of like having sex with a prostitute for the first time. 813 00:42:06,820 --> 00:42:08,540 You know what that transaction is supposed to be, 814 00:42:08,620 --> 00:42:10,180 you just don't know how to get there. 815 00:42:11,260 --> 00:42:13,460 Right, like you walk in and you're like... 816 00:42:25,140 --> 00:42:27,420 55 minutes later, you are like, okay bye. 817 00:42:28,580 --> 00:42:29,500 I'll do it the second time. 818 00:42:29,540 --> 00:42:31,380 It's okay, it's fine. 819 00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:35,540 Therapy takes time man, 820 00:42:35,620 --> 00:42:37,460 I have been going for three and a half years 821 00:42:37,660 --> 00:42:39,580 and he still calls me work in progress. 822 00:42:41,780 --> 00:42:42,860 "You are work in progress." 823 00:42:42,940 --> 00:42:45,500 I am like, "Am I an MMRDA flyover? Let's get this over with!" 824 00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:50,780 You have been fixing me for three years now. 825 00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:54,260 Finally, one day he came 826 00:42:54,300 --> 00:42:57,100 and he was like let me explain to you the problem. 827 00:42:57,420 --> 00:42:58,220 Alright! 828 00:42:58,580 --> 00:42:59,660 He came to me 829 00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:01,700 two years and two lakhs later, 830 00:43:05,460 --> 00:43:08,100 and he said, "Neville, see this is the problem. 831 00:43:10,220 --> 00:43:12,060 You had abandonment issues as a child. 832 00:43:12,420 --> 00:43:14,860 Which led you to confabulate things and make things up, 833 00:43:15,260 --> 00:43:17,780 and these making things up got a little worse so you started lying. 834 00:43:18,140 --> 00:43:20,060 And because of the lying you got anxiety, 835 00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:21,700 and the anxiety led you to depression." 836 00:43:23,220 --> 00:43:25,620 I am like, "You knew this day one, right?" 837 00:43:34,660 --> 00:43:38,060 Cause this seems like psychology textbook chapter 101. 838 00:43:38,900 --> 00:43:40,540 Such an easy equation! 839 00:43:43,820 --> 00:43:45,180 I had a big lying problem, dude. 840 00:43:45,260 --> 00:43:45,900 I had a big lying problem. 841 00:43:45,980 --> 00:43:46,700 One day... 842 00:43:46,780 --> 00:43:47,300 And the reason, 843 00:43:47,380 --> 00:43:49,500 why he calls me a work in progress is this kind of stuff because, 844 00:43:49,700 --> 00:43:51,660 like I didn't understand this whole thing of lying and all that. 845 00:43:51,740 --> 00:43:52,900 Just like one day I went to him and like, 846 00:43:52,980 --> 00:43:54,260 "Listen doc, I am getting a divorce 847 00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:55,620 and I don't really care about my relatives 848 00:43:55,700 --> 00:43:56,780 and all so I don't want to tell them." 849 00:43:57,180 --> 00:43:58,540 So, he is like, "Don't tell them. Lie." 850 00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:03,220 I am like that's what got me here! 851 00:44:04,100 --> 00:44:05,500 Do you want to milk some more money out of me? 852 00:44:06,620 --> 00:44:07,780 He is like, "No, no, sometimes its ok to lie." 853 00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,220 I am like who is going to tell me this. 854 00:44:09,740 --> 00:44:10,740 How am I supposed to learn? 855 00:44:10,820 --> 00:44:13,500 He said, I will tell you what, 95 percent of the time, always tell the truth. 856 00:44:13,940 --> 00:44:14,980 What about the other five percent? 857 00:44:15,100 --> 00:44:15,740 You call me. 858 00:44:17,260 --> 00:44:18,380 I mean this is a fuck all solution. 859 00:44:18,460 --> 00:44:19,900 My girlfriend is standing in a dress saying, "Do I look fat?" 860 00:44:19,980 --> 00:44:21,460 I will say, wait one minute let me call my therapist? 861 00:44:28,140 --> 00:44:30,060 One day he came to me and he was like, 862 00:44:32,940 --> 00:44:35,940 "Neville, I think to accelerate your progress, 863 00:44:36,900 --> 00:44:40,540 we need to make sure that you need to start taking medication." 864 00:44:42,820 --> 00:44:44,300 I was like, "Doc no! 865 00:44:44,660 --> 00:44:47,300 These psychotropic drugs and all I can't do." 866 00:44:47,380 --> 00:44:48,580 It will fuck like... 867 00:44:48,860 --> 00:44:50,460 Saddness is my strength 868 00:44:51,740 --> 00:44:52,900 I am an artist. 869 00:44:54,780 --> 00:44:56,620 My jokes stem from the roots of my pain. 870 00:45:01,180 --> 00:45:03,700 Please, don't make me part with my pain. 871 00:45:05,900 --> 00:45:07,420 And he is like, "Dickhead, get better first?" 872 00:45:08,740 --> 00:45:09,860 He didn't say Dickhead. 873 00:45:10,940 --> 00:45:12,540 If he had I would have taken the medication. 874 00:45:15,940 --> 00:45:17,060 More earnest 875 00:45:18,940 --> 00:45:20,380 No man it was a big, big thing. 876 00:45:20,460 --> 00:45:21,900 I was like, "Doc, I am not taking the medication." 877 00:45:21,980 --> 00:45:23,060 He is like no, "You take the medication." 878 00:45:23,140 --> 00:45:24,340 I was like, "I don't want the medication." 879 00:45:24,420 --> 00:45:26,180 Then he said, "Okay fine, then go work out." 880 00:45:31,140 --> 00:45:32,420 I was like, "Was this an option? 881 00:45:33,420 --> 00:45:34,220 Why didn't you say so?" 882 00:45:34,220 --> 00:45:35,380 He is like, "Because I know you." 883 00:45:36,740 --> 00:45:37,500 I am like, "what do you mean?" 884 00:45:37,580 --> 00:45:39,300 He is like, "You want the medication or you want the workout?" 885 00:45:39,380 --> 00:45:40,180 "Alright give me the pill," 886 00:45:42,180 --> 00:45:43,500 Fuck sadness. 887 00:45:48,140 --> 00:45:50,580 One day I went to him, one of our sessions, 888 00:45:51,460 --> 00:45:53,100 I was like, "Doc umm... 889 00:45:53,180 --> 00:45:54,980 I have suicidal thoughts." 890 00:45:56,140 --> 00:45:57,700 He is like, "Don't worry, you don't have the balls to do it." 891 00:46:04,260 --> 00:46:05,860 What an amazing therapist! 892 00:46:06,100 --> 00:46:07,500 I was like, "That is gratifying, 893 00:46:08,300 --> 00:46:08,700 but why?" 894 00:46:08,740 --> 00:46:10,420 He is like, "Let it be. Let it go." 895 00:46:11,300 --> 00:46:12,100 It's fine. 896 00:46:14,100 --> 00:46:15,500 But he was right, I... 897 00:46:15,740 --> 00:46:17,820 Like my suicide thoughts were really shitty, like they were... 898 00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:20,140 Like if I had actually killed myself with one of my own suicides, 899 00:46:20,220 --> 00:46:21,340 you would applaud, 900 00:46:22,860 --> 00:46:24,620 because one of my suicide thoughts was great, okay. 901 00:46:24,700 --> 00:46:25,620 One of my suicide thoughts was great. 902 00:46:25,700 --> 00:46:26,540 Like I was. 903 00:46:26,580 --> 00:46:28,100 You know Dadar Catering College, 904 00:46:28,180 --> 00:46:31,300 right outside on Cadell road there is one tree right in the middle of the road. 905 00:46:31,820 --> 00:46:33,580 It's there, because Bombay. 906 00:46:34,420 --> 00:46:37,500 And someone tied a thread around it so now we can't cut it. 907 00:46:38,860 --> 00:46:39,980 So now traffic goes around it. 908 00:46:41,740 --> 00:46:42,580 Tree is there, 909 00:46:43,780 --> 00:46:45,460 and more than one person waters it. 910 00:46:52,340 --> 00:46:53,860 So one day, I was travelling on Cadell road 911 00:46:53,940 --> 00:46:55,460 and I looked at the tree and I was like, 912 00:46:55,540 --> 00:46:59,180 "Neville, if you drive into this tree in full speed, you will die." 913 00:46:59,740 --> 00:47:02,340 But right then, my brain went, "Bro, but if you don't, 914 00:47:02,420 --> 00:47:03,500 then the insurance will kill you." 915 00:47:05,780 --> 00:47:07,980 Who thinks about insurance when you are killing yourself? 916 00:47:08,820 --> 00:47:09,700 Me! 917 00:47:10,700 --> 00:47:12,580 There are two types of people who have suicidal thoughts. 918 00:47:13,460 --> 00:47:14,260 Okay! 919 00:47:14,620 --> 00:47:15,780 One set of people have suicidal thoughts 920 00:47:15,860 --> 00:47:19,180 because they genuinely are low, at the worst point of their lives, 921 00:47:19,380 --> 00:47:21,740 believe that there is no hope and so they have suicidal thoughts. 922 00:47:22,060 --> 00:47:23,780 The other set of people have suicidal thoughts 923 00:47:23,820 --> 00:47:25,900 because they, they want to sound cool, 924 00:47:26,980 --> 00:47:28,220 because their friends have it. 925 00:47:28,780 --> 00:47:32,060 They are like, "My battery is dead, now I want to kill myself too." 926 00:47:32,100 --> 00:47:33,700 Now those guys should really die. 927 00:47:35,340 --> 00:47:37,900 If they are at a cliff, you just go there and go oops! 928 00:47:40,180 --> 00:47:41,340 Hey you asked for it. 929 00:47:43,380 --> 00:47:44,660 Assisted suicide. 930 00:47:49,460 --> 00:47:51,460 I don't think... Anyone should kill themselves. 931 00:47:52,420 --> 00:47:55,580 But I just have one piece of advise if you are trying to kill yourself, 932 00:47:58,220 --> 00:48:00,420 don't call the government suicide helpline. 933 00:48:02,700 --> 00:48:03,660 Don't do it. 934 00:48:04,300 --> 00:48:07,980 It is designed to help people commit suicide. 935 00:48:10,980 --> 00:48:13,180 It is really a suicide HELP line. 936 00:48:21,060 --> 00:48:22,060 I once dialed the number 937 00:48:22,140 --> 00:48:24,420 to keep the number busy so that some people can do it. 938 00:48:28,220 --> 00:48:29,580 Turns out they were already busy. 939 00:48:33,180 --> 00:48:34,420 But thats the thing man. 940 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:36,260 Don't call the government suicide helpline, 941 00:48:36,300 --> 00:48:38,260 if you want to kill yourself because they'll keep you on hold. 942 00:48:39,620 --> 00:48:40,580 I am not kidding. 943 00:48:40,820 --> 00:48:41,780 They just keep you on hold. 944 00:48:41,860 --> 00:48:43,860 I think someone keeps the phone off the hook and is busy with it. 945 00:48:46,620 --> 00:48:47,940 Yes, really, they really do this. 946 00:48:48,060 --> 00:48:50,060 Like if you are standing on the ledge at the worst point in your life 947 00:48:50,140 --> 00:48:51,380 that's the last thing you want to do. 948 00:48:51,900 --> 00:48:53,420 Like you are standing on the ledge and you want to kill yourself, 949 00:48:53,500 --> 00:48:54,420 and you are like, 950 00:48:55,540 --> 00:48:57,420 "The number you've dialled is currently busy..." 951 00:48:59,580 --> 00:49:00,500 They might as well just record, 952 00:49:00,540 --> 00:49:00,980 Jump 953 00:49:01,100 --> 00:49:01,420 Jump 954 00:49:01,500 --> 00:49:01,780 Jump 955 00:49:01,820 --> 00:49:02,220 Jump 956 00:49:02,300 --> 00:49:02,580 Jump 957 00:49:02,660 --> 00:49:03,180 Jump 958 00:49:04,100 --> 00:49:05,860 So you can go, 'Ah...' 959 00:49:07,660 --> 00:49:09,740 That won't kill you really, that will just break a bone. 960 00:49:10,460 --> 00:49:11,700 If you really want to die, 961 00:49:13,580 --> 00:49:14,540 then you have to go, 962 00:49:33,300 --> 00:49:36,060 Some of you are thinking about someone while I was making that noise. 963 00:49:39,740 --> 00:49:41,420 The person you were thinking about, 964 00:49:42,420 --> 00:49:43,900 is the person you hate the most. 965 00:49:47,580 --> 00:49:48,740 You know who I was thinking about. 966 00:49:56,300 --> 00:49:57,740 I tried to kill myself. 967 00:49:58,460 --> 00:49:59,620 I used to smoke. 968 00:50:00,780 --> 00:50:02,180 I used to smoke, I gave up smoking, 969 00:50:02,260 --> 00:50:03,300 because I got a divorce. 970 00:50:09,780 --> 00:50:11,300 As soon as it came through, I was like Ah! 971 00:50:12,180 --> 00:50:13,220 Now, I want to live. 972 00:50:17,420 --> 00:50:19,580 I gave up smoking man, I gave up smoking. 973 00:50:19,780 --> 00:50:21,540 Fucking hate that I gave up smoking, 974 00:50:21,980 --> 00:50:24,500 because cigarettes are the best thing in the world. 975 00:50:25,900 --> 00:50:26,340 They are. 976 00:50:26,420 --> 00:50:27,380 They are fucking amazing. 977 00:50:27,460 --> 00:50:28,340 Smokers here give me a cheer. 978 00:50:28,420 --> 00:50:29,620 Smokers, smokers? Woo! 979 00:50:29,700 --> 00:50:30,460 Yeah! It's fucking... 980 00:50:30,540 --> 00:50:32,140 Cigarettes are the best thing in the world. 981 00:50:32,740 --> 00:50:34,260 I know you are 20 and don't smoke, 982 00:50:34,580 --> 00:50:38,300 It's not good for you and all but they are the best thing in the world. 983 00:50:39,100 --> 00:50:41,100 I promise.. they are fucking amazing! 984 00:50:41,180 --> 00:50:41,980 And I'll, I'll prove it. 985 00:50:42,060 --> 00:50:42,540 Like see, 986 00:50:42,620 --> 00:50:43,980 whenever, whatever you want, 987 00:50:44,060 --> 00:50:45,460 a cigarette is there for you. 988 00:50:46,140 --> 00:50:47,620 Cigarette doesn't let you down. 989 00:50:48,620 --> 00:50:50,180 Cigarette doesn't play chess. 990 00:50:51,900 --> 00:50:53,900 Cigarette doesn't keep you on hold. 991 00:50:53,980 --> 00:50:55,620 Cigarette is fucking amazing. 992 00:50:55,980 --> 00:50:56,660 Okay! 993 00:50:56,740 --> 00:50:57,820 You are hungry, 994 00:50:57,900 --> 00:50:58,860 have a cigarette. 995 00:50:59,940 --> 00:51:01,340 You can have a cigarette, after your meal too. 996 00:51:02,740 --> 00:51:03,500 You are angry with someone, 997 00:51:03,540 --> 00:51:04,340 smoke a cigarette. 998 00:51:04,420 --> 00:51:05,140 You are thinking, 999 00:51:05,220 --> 00:51:06,060 smoke a cigarette. 1000 00:51:06,620 --> 00:51:07,860 You are writing, smoke a cigarette. 1001 00:51:08,180 --> 00:51:09,500 You want to take a dump, smoke a cigarette. 1002 00:51:10,300 --> 00:51:11,620 Cigarette is fucking amazing! 1003 00:51:11,700 --> 00:51:12,900 See you are not understanding. 1004 00:51:12,980 --> 00:51:15,300 For a non smoker What is the most heightened, 1005 00:51:15,380 --> 00:51:17,060 pleasurable experience they can have, 1006 00:51:17,580 --> 00:51:18,380 an orgasm. 1007 00:51:18,740 --> 00:51:19,700 Right? 1008 00:51:19,900 --> 00:51:23,500 For a non smoker the best experience they can have physically is an orgasm. 1009 00:51:23,700 --> 00:51:24,260 Right! 1010 00:51:24,300 --> 00:51:25,260 A smoker, 1011 00:51:26,940 --> 00:51:27,820 gets the orgasm. 1012 00:51:29,340 --> 00:51:30,580 And they are like wait this gets better. 1013 00:51:34,660 --> 00:51:35,900 Thank you so much. That's been my time. 1014 00:51:35,980 --> 00:51:37,420 You guys have been amazing. Good night!