(tense piano solo)
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(light piano solo)
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(upbeat music)
(slow romantic music)
(upbeat jazzy music)
(dramatic music)
- Talent!
Where does it come from?
Good evening, (slow paced music)
my name is Sylvia St. Croix.
Where does talent come from?
Is it a product of one's environment?
Something you pick up off of the street?
Or is talent something you're born with?
Something passed down from generation to generation?
♪ I wonder ♪
Meet Judy Denmark.
(light upbeat music)
Pretty, isn't she? (audience laughing)
A wife and mother living an idyllic suburban life,
and, although Judy has absolutely no talent whatsoever,
her only child, her daughter, Tina,
has been blessed with a great deal of talent.
Blessed (laughs),
or, dare I say, cursed?
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
(telephone rings)
(fast paced music)
- I'll get it!
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Yes, this is Tina's Mother ♪
♪ Hello, Mrs. Miller ♪
♪ How's that ♪
♪ Tina brought you flowers from our garden ♪
♪ Well she's so fond of you ♪
♪ She likes your husband too ♪
♪ Thank you for calling ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
(telephone rings)
I'll get it!
(audience laughing)
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Yes, this is Tina's Mother ♪
♪ Hello, Mrs. Farmer ♪
♪ How's that ♪
♪ Tina sang and danced for your blind mother ♪
♪ She loves to entertain ♪
♪ Yes she'll return her cane ♪
♪ Thank you for calling ♪ (audience laughing)
♪ Goodbye ♪
(telephone rings)
Oh!
♪ Tina's Mother here ♪
♪ Hi Mrs. Adams ♪
♪ A party ♪
♪ I'll tell her she's invited ♪
♪ Tina's Mother here ♪
♪ Sorry Mrs. Adams ♪
♪ That's Saturday at four ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'm sure she'll be delighted ♪
♪ Bye ♪
♪ I could have been an office girl ♪
♪ A wizard at dictation ♪
♪ Working 50 weeks a year ♪
♪ Two weeks paid vacation ♪
♪ I could have been a teacher teaching ♪
♪ One thing or another ♪
♪ But I'm proud to be what I am ♪
♪ Tina's Mother ♪
(phone ringing) (upbeat music)
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Yes this is Tina's Mother ♪
♪ Hello Pastor Peters ♪
♪ How's that ♪
♪ Tina has a choir solo Sunday ♪
♪ Oh, she just loves to sing ♪
♪ And yes, she loves to pray ♪
♪ She's good at everything ♪
♪ I'm grateful every day ♪
♪ Why, everyone agrees ♪
♪ She's positively heaven sent ♪
♪ My kid's the perfect eight-year-old ♪
♪ Yes, she's enthralling ♪
♪ Thank you for calling ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get it!
(audience laughing)
♪ Hello ♪
(doorbell ringing)
♪ Hello ♪ (doorbell ringing)
Oh!
(Judy laughing)
- Mrs. Denmark?
Mrs. Judy Denmark?
- Why yes, I'm Judy.
I'm Judy Denmark.
Judy Denmark.
That's my name, Judy.
Judy Denmark.
- Tina's mother?
♪ That's me ♪
- My card.
- Mine are being printed.
(audience applauding)
Won't you come in, Miss St. Croix.
- Oh please, call me Sylvia.
- Sylvia St. Croix, are you French?
- St. Croix is a stage name.
My real name is Sylvia St. Francis-of-Assisi.
My, what a lovely home.
- Thank you, Sylvia.
- Beautiful curtains.
- Thank you, Sylvia.
- That's a smart dress.
- Thank you, Sylvia.
- And mm-mm-mm, doesn't this look delicious.
- It's toast, Sylvia.
- Denmark.
What sort of name is Denmark?
- I'm not sure, Danish?
- No, thanks, the toast is fine.
Is your husband at home?
- Frederick?
I'm afraid not.
- Working?
- I hope so.
- Pity, I do so like to speak to both parents.
When will Mr. Denmark be returning?
- I'm not sure.
- What does Mr. Denmark do?
- I don't know.
- Well, whatever it is, you must be terribly proud of him.
- Uh-huh!
- You're a very lucky girl, Judy Denmark.
- I know, I'm a Libra.
- This lovely home, a successful husband,
whatever he does, and, of course,
the very reason I'm here, your daughter, Tina!
I caught her performance last Saturday at the
Rolling Hills Twilight Home for the Elderly.
Sensational!
- We're very proud of our daughter.
- Oh, it was a triumph!
- If you'd like, I could arrange for her to perform
for all of you again next Saturday.
(audience laughing)
- I don't live there, Mrs. Denmark.
I was visiting an elderly friend.
- Oh, sorry.
Would you like to meet her?
- I'd love to.
- She's out in the garage breaking in her new tap shoes!
(slow upbeat music)
Tina, you're on!
- Hello mother!
- Darling, we have company.
- I love company!
- Say hello to Miss St. Croix.
(shoes tapping) (upbeat music)
- Hi!
- Tina loves to perform.
♪ Some girls like to cook and sew ♪
♪ When I cook, it's in a show ♪
♪ I was born to entertain ♪
How ya doing!
It's a rhetorical question.
♪ Some girls prefer to help mom clean ♪
♪ I'd rather learn a dance routine ♪
♪ I was born to entertain ♪
Where you from?
No, really, where ya from?
I'm kidding!
♪ Instead of walkin', I go flappin' ♪
♪ When I tap, I make it happen ♪
♪ Mom says I have Broadway on the brain ♪
♪ Don't get too comfy, in that seat ♪
♪ When I strut my stuff, you'll be on your feet ♪
♪ I was born to sing and dance ♪
♪ Break ♪
(shoes tapping)
(audience laughing)
♪ Not every Show biz Cinderella has ♪
♪ Got to come from Pocatella ♪
♪ My star will rise like bubbles in champagne ♪
♪ By now you've guessed my one ambition ♪
♪ It's not to be no mathematician ♪
♪ I was born to amuse ♪
♪ From the tip of my nose, to the tap of my shoes ♪
♪ So strike up the band ♪
♪ And hand me my hat and my cane ♪
♪ 'Cause ♪
♪ I was born to entertain ♪
Yeah!
(everyone applauding)
- Brava dear!
That was brilliant, brava!
- Thank you, Madam St. Croix.
- Oh please, call me Sylvia.
- All right, Sylvia.
Judy?
- Very good, Tina, and, please, call me Mommy.
(audience laughing)
- Tina, how would you like to be a star?
(slow paced music)
- Why, it's all I've ever wanted!
More than anything in the whole wide world!
- Well, that's why I'm here!
I work with specially gifted children.
I plan careers as well as develop talent.
I think little Tina here could be big.
Big big!
Say, you are planning a professional career
for your daughter, are you not?
- Oh, we want her to finish school first.
- Of course.
What time does she get out?
Three? (audience laughing)
- I wasn't talking about today.
- Oh.
- We want our daughter to have a normal childhood.
- I've had a normal childhood.
It's time to move on!
- What do you say?
- Please Mama, I wanna be good.
- You are good baby.
- I want to be gooder!
- I really think she should stay in school.
(audience laughing)
Besides, I'd like to discuss it with my husband.
- Oh, poop!
Daddy's never home!
- Oh Tina, you just saw Daddy six weeks ago.
- That was Daddy?
- I think so.
- Your daughter's good, Mrs. Denmark,
and with my help she could be great.
- Oh, I still think it's important
she get a good education.
We want her to have something to fall back on.
- And that's precisely what she'll do
the moment the going gets tough.
I firmly believe, Mrs. Denmark,
if you have nothing to fall back on,
you simply don't fall back.
- Makes sense.
- But childhood is a time for playing with dolls
and riding a bike.
♪ Any tyke can ride a bike ♪
♪ Any brat can swing a bat ♪
♪ Every Mother's child plays with blocks ♪
♪ They run, and skip, and jump ♪
♪ And climb on rocks ♪
♪ That may be true ♪
♪ For every Dick and Jane ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ But some of us were born ♪
♪ To entertain ♪
This time I'm doing it for you, baby!
♪ You can have it all ♪
♪ You've got talent ♪
♪ Life can be a ball ♪
♪ When you've got talent ♪
♪ When it's obvious ♪
♪ Your child's not ♪
♪ An average ordinary tot ♪
♪ Shower her with love and validation ♪
♪ Judy, recognize her specialties ♪
♪ Celebrate the fact that she's ♪
♪ Destined for a life ♪
♪ A life of adoration ♪
Come here.
Do you like ice cream?
- You bet I do!
♪ Well it's all banana splits ♪
♪ When you've got talent ♪ (audience laughing)
♪ You don't have to show your tits ♪
♪ When you've got talent ♪
♪ You're no silly plastic ingenue ♪
♪ Doing cheesy ads for cheap shampoo ♪
♪ Really, you're too good for television ♪
- Really?
♪ I'm talking straight legit, I mean ♪
♪ The Broadway stage, the silver screen ♪
♪ But first we need your Mother ♪
♪ To make the right decision ♪
- Please Mama, please, say yes.
- She's not getting any younger.
- I suppose some coaching can't hurt,
but only after school.
- Oh, we start this afternoon!
- Oh, I'm afraid she can't this afternoon.
- Today's the auditions for the school show.
- You must be so proud.
I wish I had a little girl.
- Don't you have any children, Sylvia?
(slow paced music)
- I prefer not to discuss it, Mrs. Denmark.
- I see.
- Let's just say she didn't have any talent.
(Tina gasps)
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
Not what I call talent!
Oh, she used to jump around the living room.
"Look, Mama, I'm dancing!"
But she was merely jumping.
(audience laughing) ♪ It cannot be denied ♪
♪ You've got talent ♪
♪ And I'll be by your side ♪
♪ To guide that talent ♪
♪ So kick up your heels ♪
♪ And tap your toes ♪
♪ I'm your Auntie Mame, your Mama Rose ♪
♪ And nothing's gonna stop us ♪
♪ Till we're through ♪
♪ Honey, Sylvia will make your dreams come true ♪
♪ You've got ♪
♪ Talent ♪
♪ So much talent ♪
♪ Baby, you'll have it all ♪
♪ Wait and see ♪
♪ For along with all that talent ♪
♪ You've got ♪
Your mother.
- Thank you!
♪ And me ♪
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- Good afternoon, children, I'm Miss Thorne,
and, after directing last year's riveting production
of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf,"
I'm delighted to say that this year the Turner School
is presenting "Pippi in Tahiti, The Musical,"
written and directed by me, Myrna Thorne!
Now, before we start the auditions,
don't forget to write down any special skills you may have,
any musical instruments you might play,
and most importantly, whether or not
your mother can bring cupcakes
and a bottle of bourbon to opening night.
Now, let's get on shall we?
Please welcome a multi-talented third-grader,
Miss Tina Denmark.
(chiming music)
♪ To dance my dances ♪
♪ To sing my song ♪
♪ It's all I've wanted ♪
♪ All I've dreamed my whole life long ♪
♪ Though I'm only eight years old ♪
♪ Just a baby, so I'm told ♪
♪ I can't help it ♪
♪ I already know my heart ♪
♪ And I'll do anything ♪
♪ Anything ♪
♪ To play this part ♪
- Okay Bobby, play her the ballet combination!
- I already learned it in the hall!
- Oh.
(fast paced piano solo)
Jazz.
(jazz piano music)
Interpretive.
Thank you, Tina.
Now, I'm happy to say the cast will enjoy
a trip to New York City to see a Broadway show
and dine at the world famous Olive Garden Times Square!
Now, please welcome Miss Rachael Hobbs.
♪ If I sound desperate ♪
♪ Well it's because ♪
♪ All I want ♪
♪ No, all I need ♪
♪ Is your applause ♪
♪ So I pray to Him on high ♪
♪ The casting agent in the sky ♪
♪ Cast me ♪
♪ And I'll stay true to my art ♪
♪ And I'll do anything you please ♪
♪ Pound erasers on my knees ♪
♪ I'll do anything ♪
♪ To play this part ♪
- I want to thank all of our talented students,
and some of our not-so-talented ones.
Really Rachael Hobbs,
what the hell do you think you were doing?
(audience laughing)
I also wanna thank Mike Lerman and Lerman's Hardware
for donating all the paint and wood to make our sets.
Thank you, Mike Lerman!
Also, Betty Lerman and all the gals at Betty's Needle Nook
for making our costumes, thanks Betty.
And now, boys and girls,
the starring role of Pippi Longstocking
will be played by Miss Louise Lerman!
(piano solo)
- Are you fucking kidding me?
(school bell) (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- You had your heart set on playing Pippi, didn't you?
- It's the title role!
- Oh Tina.
- It's the best part in the show.
- Sweetheart--
- I don't understand!
That Lerman girl was too Jewish-looking to play Pippi!
- Tina!
- She has no fire!
No music!
- Oh, so what if Louise Lerman is playing Pippi,
you get to play Puddles!
- Puddles!
- I don't wanna play a dog!
- Puddles doesn't sing!
Puddles doesn't even talk!
Puddles is a stupid mime part.
- I hate mime.
- Everyone does.
- I mean, just look at me.
I was born to play Pippi Longstocking!
And Louise Lerman can't act!
- Oh!
Now you listen to me, young lady,
do you want to stay in show business?
- You're right, Mother.
I only wanted that silly old part so you
and daddy would be proud of me.
- But we are proud of you, baby.
Of course, if you had gotten the part,
we would have been real, real proud, but nevertheless.
- Oh, mother, what would you give me
for a bucket of kisses?
- Why, I'd give you a tub of hugs.
(doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh!
Good afternoon, Tina.
- Why, good afternoon, Miss Thorn.
- You're looking very pretty today!
- Why, thank you, Miss Thorn!
- Now that was an excellent curtsy!
- Why, thank you, Miss Thorn.
- Oh, she is so polite.
- Why, thank you, Miss Thorn.
- I see where she gets it from.
- Why, thank you, Miss Thorn.
(Thorne laughing)
- Haven't changed your mind, have you?
- I'm afraid not.
- Come on, Sylvia!
- Won't you sit down?
- No thank you.
Drink!
- Excuse me, Miss Thorn,
who do I speak to about comps?
- I beg your pardon?
- Free tickets?
- I'm afraid the Turner school
never gives away free tickets.
- I see.
- All the money of course will go to the school fund.
- I bet the Lerman kid gets comps.
(door slams)
- Miss Thorn--
- I know what you're thinking, Mrs. Denmark,
and I am not a lesbian.
(audience laughing)
- But you were an actress once,
before you started teaching?
- Oh yes my dear, but that was ages ago.
- Tell me.
Was there ever a part you wanted but you didn't get?
- Once or twice, what's your point?
- Tina is awfully upset about not playing Pippi.
- I must admit, Mrs. Denmark,
in all my years as an actress,
and I've lived on both coasts.
I've never known anyone to want a part so desperately.
It's almost as if starring in the show
means too much to Tina.
- That's what worries me.
♪ There's no need to worry ♪
♪ Unknit your brow ♪
♪ For though Tina's taking it hard right now ♪
♪ Experience tells me, I'm happy to say ♪
♪ She'll get over her disappointment ♪
♪ Someday ♪
She'll learn that being a star isn't everything.
There's so many wonderful careers one can choose from
equally as exciting and far more rewarding.
Look at me.
♪ Teaching third grade ♪
♪ Shaping the minds of a new generation ♪
♪ No longer afraid ♪
♪ To get on with my life ♪
♪ And off medication ♪
♪ Sure, I went to New York ♪ (audience laughing)
♪ To be an overnight sensation ♪
♪ More than a face ♪
♪ I was the thrilling combination ♪
♪ Of talent and grace ♪
♪ I wish I'd had mace ♪
♪ My bag got nabbed ♪
♪ My ass got grabbed behind Penn Station ♪
♪ Now I'm back, Lord ♪
♪ At the blackboard ♪
♪ Teaching third grade ♪
- Don't you think it's a good idea
for someone in show business to have
something to fall back on?
♪ Something to fall back on ♪
♪ My guiding rule of thumb ♪
♪ That's how I became what I've become ♪
♪ At night I get cozy ♪
♪ Pour wine, light the tapers ♪
♪ I sit there, alone there ♪
♪ I love grading papers ♪
♪ The pay is terrific, yeah ♪
♪ My summers are free ♪
♪ So who needs the limelight ♪
♪ When you can be me ♪
♪ Yes, I had ♪
♪ Something to fall back on ♪
♪ So safe and so secure ♪
♪ But very few surprises ♪
♪ In store ♪
♪ I watch too much TV ♪
♪ I never get laid ♪
♪ God I'm so bored ♪
♪ I hate teaching third grade ♪
- I wonder what's keeping Tina?
♪ Sick of Jane, and sick of Dicky ♪
♪ Never quiet, always sticky ♪ - Oh!
Would you look at the time?
♪ Running noses, noses bleeding ♪
♪ Little runts, so bloody needy ♪
- Can I get you anything?
- Yeah.
♪ How 'bout a drink ♪
♪ Got any weed ♪
♪ I can't take it ♪
♪ God I need ♪
♪ Something to fall back on ♪
♪ From ♪
♪ Wonderful and back on ♪
- About Tina.
♪ As far as the lead in the show my dear ♪
♪ She'll have to get over ♪
♪ Not starring this year ♪
♪ For into each life rain falls, I'm afraid ♪
♪ Life's a bitch ♪
♪ And it starts in third grade ♪
Oh yeah.
(audience applauding)
Let me sum it up for you in two words.
That's show business.
- That's three words.
- My dear Miss Thorn,
might you consider letting Tina
be the Lerman girl's understudy?
- What's an understudy?
- An understudy is someone who plays the part
if the star can't go on.
- We are only giving one performance.
I think having an understudy is unnecessary,
but if it will make you happy,
then yes, Tina can be Louise Lerman's understudy.
- Wait a minute!
You want me to learn all of Pippi's songs,
all of Pippi's dances, and all of Pippi's lines,
and there's a chance I won't even get to play Pippi?
(Thorne laughs)
- That's right!
- Unless, of course,
something were to happen to Louise Lerman.
(tense whimsical music)
- I'll do it!
(perky music)
- A five, six, seven, eight!
A turn, turn,
(speaking foreign language) go!
(clock winding)
Pay attention.
A one, two, three go!
(girl tapping)
You see, Tina please, come on.
Perfect.
Thank you girls, rehearsal over.
- That was a delicious lunch, dear.
Thanks for inviting me.
- Well, you've been here since breakfast.
- Oh, Judy, you must be so proud of Tina.
I wish I had a daughter.
- I thought you said you do have--
- A talented one!
(audience laughing)
- Would you like to talk about it?
- Well, what is there to say? (slow paced music)
But you would think one's own flesh and blood
would have inherited at least a fraction
of her own mother's talent.
- Oh, but who's to say where talent comes from?
Look at Tina.
After all...
♪ I ♪ (chimes chiming)
♪ Can't sing a note ♪
♪ No talent whatsoever ♪
♪ I can't tell a joke ♪
- No?
- No.
♪ I'm simply not that clever ♪
(Judy chuckles)
♪ Make no mistake ♪
♪ With pride, I'm overcome ♪
♪ But I haven't a clue ♪
♪ As to who ♪ (glass shattering)
♪ Tina gets it from ♪
- Oh surely, there must be something you can do.
- Well, let me think.
♪ I can make a bed ♪
- You see?
I told you.
♪ And do a thousand things with chicken ♪
- My, you're brimming with talent.
♪ My smoked salmon spread ♪
♪ Fred said is ♪
♪ Finger licking ♪
- Fred?
- My husband.
♪ But on a stage ♪
♪ I simply would go numb ♪
♪ So I'm up in the air ♪
♪ As to where ♪
♪ My daughter gets it from ♪ ♪ She needs someone like me ♪
♪ Dear ♪
♪ I've been around the block ♪
♪ And together we'll make millions ♪
♪ So who cares where Tina gets it from ♪
♪ Now here's the way I see it ♪
♪ First we'll get an agent ♪
♪ One in New York ♪
♪ One on the coast ♪
♪ Hey, watch me cook a chicken ♪ ♪ She's made for commercials ♪
♪ But only a couple ♪
♪ Overexposure is ♪
♪ All too common ♪ ♪ My ♪
♪ In this highly competitive ♪ ♪ Salmon spread ♪
♪ World where a professional ♪
♪ Kid can make more ♪ ♪ Fred said is ♪
♪ Money than her parents ♪ ♪ Finger licking ♪
♪ She needs someone like me ♪ ♪ But on a stage ♪
♪ Dear, I've been around ♪ ♪ I simply would ♪
♪ The block ♪ ♪ Go numb ♪
♪ So together we'll make ♪ ♪ So I'm up in the air ♪
♪ Millions so ♪ ♪ As to where ♪
♪ Who cares where Tine ♪ ♪ My Tina ♪
♪ Gets it from ♪
♪ No matter where she got it ♪
♪ Oh who cares ♪
♪ She's got an awful lot ♪
♪ It doesn't ♪
♪ Matter ♪
♪ Not a crumb ♪
- Take me home!
- Where do you live?
♪ Where Tina ♪
♪ Gets it from ♪
(audience applauding)
- Obviously Tina does not get her talent from me.
- What about Frederick?
- Who?
Oh, my husband!
Oh, he doesn't sing or dance at all.
- You know, I've heard it said
that talent often skips a generation.
- Oh, that may be true, I was an adopted child.
- Were you ever curious about your natural parents?
- Oh not at all.
Two wonderful people raised me.
- Are they at all gifted?
- Well Dad was a salesman.
And mother?
Well, my mother hates anything to do with theater.
She's a theater critic.
(dramatic chiming)
- Lita Encore.
- You've heard of her?
- Why, she's legendary!
Why, your mother's closed 100's of shows, thousands!
- Well she's coming to see Tina's show tonight.
(dramatic chiming)
- How exciting.
I must ask her to autograph a copy of her book,
"Ruthless: The Life and Times of Ruth Del Marco."
(dramatic chiming)
- That name.
- Ruth Del Marco?
(dramatic chiming)
What's the matter, dear?
- Del Marco.
- Ruth Del Marco was a great entertainer in her day.
Why, her recording of "I'll Be An Unkie's Muncle"
was a tremendous hit.
Your mother wrote a book about her.
- Well what's become of this, this--
- Ruth Del Marco?
(dramatic chiming)
She's dead.
After a scathing review closed her show,
she couldn't go on.
So she took her own life.
- Well, I feel sorry for her and everyone like her,
because show people are doomed.
Doomed to a lifestyle of booze,
pills, and heavy meals late at night.
- But that's show business. (audience laughing)
- That's not the life I want for my child.
(school bell ringing) (tires screeching)
(whistle blowing)
- Okay, let's take it from after the storm at sea!
All you children who drown in scene two,
dry off quickly and get into your native costumes!
Rachael Hobbs, stop giggling.
This is theater, not the playground.
We are not here to have fun!
Go music!
(perky music)
♪ Coconuts ♪
♪ Mangoes ♪
♪ Grass huts ♪
♪ And look ♪
The Bora Bora Hilton!
This must be Tahiti!
Oh.
And I'm Pippi!
Pippi Longstocking!
Now that you know who I am,
I'd like you to meet my best friend.
Careful you don't get fleas.
My best friend is a dog.
Pippi laughs.
- Ugh!
- Come on, Puddles!
♪ Howdy-Do ♪
♪ My name is Pippi ♪
♪ P-I-P-P-Y ♪
- I!
P-I-P-P-I, come on!
- Oh!
♪ Never been to schooled ♪
♪ Not once ♪
♪ A fact I can't deny ♪
♪ I never learned to read or write ♪
♪ I can't spell hermaphrodite ♪
♪ Never learned arithmetic ♪
♪ But I don't give a lick ♪
- Sing out, Louise!
♪ Yes I never ♪ - Maybe not!
♪ Been to school ♪ - Take it down, take it down.
♪ Life is not so grim ♪
♪ You never homework ♪
♪ And you never ever have to take gym ♪
♪ I'm free and breezy ♪
♪ All day long ♪
♪ Just singing and dancing ♪
♪ The Pippi song ♪
- Louise!
(toy squeaking)
- Puddles and I!
- Puddles and I were in a terrible storm at sea.
Our boat tipped over and everyone got drowned.
But not me!
Puddles saved my life and brought me
to this tropical paradise.
Way to go, Puddles!
Shake!
You're supposed to shake my hand.
- You're not the director!
- The script says we shake hands!
- Yeah, well, I didn't get a script!
- Miss Thorn! (whistle blows)
- Damn it, Tina!
Give her your paw!
- Look, I just don't think Puddles
would shake hands here, okay?
Not after being shipwrecked (Thorne laughing)
and having to doggie paddles 50 miles!
I think Puddles would rather lie down.
- I'm sorry, I can't act with this!
- You can't act period!
- Can too!
- Prove it! (whistle blows)
- Girls, please!
Take it from the Charleston.
(upbeat music)
- The only reason you got the part
is because Mommy and Daddy bought it for you.
- My parents may open doors for me, Tina Denmark,
but I have to back it up with talent.
- Better get busy!
- Do I have to have a dog?
- Yes Louise, Puddles saves your life!
- Stupid!
- Shiksa.
- Douche bag!
(Louise gasps)
- Miss Thorn, Tina called me a douche bag!
(whistle blows)
- Right, that is it!
Everybody take 10!
Then afterwards Louise, I want to hear the Pippi ballad.
- The Pippi what?
(Thorne chuckling)
- The slow song!
Douche bag.
(audience laughing)
- If you let me play Pippi I'll be your best friend!
- Beat it, Denmark!
- But I gotta play Pippi!
- You don't get it, do you?
Do you think I want to be in this stupid show?
I think it's embarrassing.
But it makes my parents happy,
and when Mike and Betty are happy, I'm happy.
Got it?
Here, hold this.
I'm off to practice the slow song.
(Louise speaking slowly) (audience laughing)
♪ I asked politely ♪
♪ I said please ♪
♪ Now there's nothing left to do but ♪
(thunder cracking) (tense music)
Oh Louise!
(whistle blows)
- May I remind the cast we open tonight?
And, to be perfectly honest,
even I wouldn't pay to see this.
(upbeat music)
- Opening night!
- And closing.
- Short run, but still.
- We interrupt this program
to bring you the following news bulletin.
It seems one of the students attending the
Turner Elementary School accidentally hanged herself
with a jump rope after falling from the catwalks
high above the stage of the Vivian Vance Auditorium.
The name of the child is being withheld
until the parents have been notified.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
- Sylvia!
- It was not Tina!
Tina is far too smart to go playing
where she might get hurt, much less killed!
(telephone ringing)
You'll have other children, Judy.
You're still young and attractive.
(upbeat music)
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Yes, this is Tina's Mother ♪
♪ I heard Mrs. Wilson ♪
- There's more about the accident.
♪ Bye ♪
- We have been authorized to announce
that the name of the victim of the Turner School tragedy
is Louise Lerman.
- Oh.
- Miss Lerman, who was to star tonight
in her school production of "Pippi in Tahiti"
was the only daughter of Mike and Betty Lerman.
Louise was 10 years old, today.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that poor little girl.
- I know, she probably hasn't had a bite of lunch.
- I don't know what to do.
- Make her a sandwich.
- I don't think Tina's ready for something like this.
- We've still got eight hours!
She'll be ready!
- Goodbye, Sylvia.
- Oh, I'll be back!
- I know, Sylvia.
(slow menacing music)
- Hello, Mother.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
So, how was school?
- Short.
And we didn't have our lunch because
something bad happened to Louise Lerman.
- Oh come here, sweetheart.
Come sit on Mommy's lap.
Oh Tina.
Sometimes bad thing happens
that can make us very sad.
- I know, we didn't have our lunch.
(audience laughing)
- Oh sweetheart, if there's anything you don't understand--
♪ I'm so very happy ♪
♪ That you are my Mother ♪
- Tina--
♪ You don't have a son ♪
♪ I don't have a brother ♪
- Sweetheart--
♪ Just you, me, and Daddy ♪
♪ Our own family ♪
♪ No other parents ♪
♪ Could ever be ♪
♪ As loving as my parents are to me ♪
Why are you crying, mother?
- Oh, Tina.
♪ Sometimes things happen ♪
♪ As sad as can be ♪
♪ Can I have a cookie and go watch TV ♪
(Judy chuckles)
♪ You're taking this tragedy well ♪
♪ And that's grand ♪
♪ But if you want to cry ♪
♪ Or hold Mommy's hand ♪
♪ Or even stop smiling ♪
♪ I'd understand ♪ (audience laughing)
- Why should I cry?
I didn't get killed.
- I'll go get you a cookie.
♪ I think that my Mommy ♪
♪ Could use a few kisses ♪
(Tina smooching)
♪ I'll trade them for hugs ♪
♪ Oh what bliss this is ♪
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
- I'll get it!
(upbeat music)
- Hello, Mrs. Denmark.
- Oh come in, Miss Thorn.
- Mind if I smoke?
- Go right ahead.
- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.
- Do you have one?
- Oh, I'm afraid I quit.
- Cold turkey?
- I don't think so, but I can look.
- Never mind!
Needless to say we're all
very shaken up over this tragedy,
Lord knows I'm trying.
- We can all be at times.
(audience laughs)
- I'm happy to say that Turner School is creating
a benefit in Louise's honor.
All the money raised will go to purchase a memorial.
Fruit and cheese basket for the Lerman Family.
- Oh how thoughtful.
Fruit and cheese is so comforting.
- Well, one does what one can.
- Of course, the show has been canceled.
- What ever gives you that idea?
- Well, naturally, I thought--
- I couldn't possibly disappoint the other children.
They've worked so hard and they're so eager to perform.
- Oh yes, but I think--
- I think it is an excellent opportunity to learn
that the show must go on!
By the way, how's Tina?
- Oh, she's in her room.
- Running her lines?
- I beg your pardon?
- Well, she is the understudy.
- I know, but--
- I have worked very hard on this production, Mrs. Denmark,
and I think it's good.
Maybe the best work I've ever done!
- But it's wrong!
It's shockingly wrong!
- Now listen to me Mrs. D!
I've enough trouble with the Pippi people
over the damn rights!
They are not gonna stop me and neither are you!
Okay, so,
maybe I have to change the kid's name,
but mark my words, Pippi, Schmippy,
that talented little girl of yours
had better be in make-up, in costume,
and in place by show time, or I shall be forced to call
the police!
(dramatic music)
- The police?
- I didn't want to have to bring this up,
but it appears that the Pippi wig is missing.
- Why are you telling me this?
- Because according to one of our other students,
little Rachael Hobbs, Tina was seen chasing Louise
and snatching at the wig.
- Are you saying you suspect that Tina--
- I suspect nothing, nothing at all.
The children were just playing a game,
they got a little over-excited,
one of them got killed.
No, I suspect nothing. (audience laughing)
- Why don't you come out and say it?
I want you to look me straight in the eye
and tell me my eight-year-old child
killed for a part in the school show!
- Not just any part, Mrs. Denmark, the lead!
♪ Now, I've altered the costume ♪
♪ Louise was so big ♪
♪ You'll have to come up ♪
♪ With a red-braided wig ♪
♪ Oh smile Mrs. Denmark ♪
♪ She's gonna be great ♪
(Thorne gasps)
It's 12:30.
♪ And the show starts at eight ♪
(slow gentle music)
Look on the bright side, now you get comps!
(door slams)
(tense music)
(slow paced music)
(fast paced music)
- Tina!
- Did you call me, Mother?
- What are you doing with this wig?
- Mother, can we have a ballet barre?
Francine Gordon has a ballet barre.
Her daddy made it out of an old crutch.
- Please don't change the subject.
- I don't know how I got the wig.
- And don't lie!
♪ Howdy-Do, my name is Pippi ♪
- And don't sing!
Now, what are you doing with Louise Lerman's Pippi wig?
- I found it after Louise had her accident.
- If that's true, Tina,
then why didn't you give the wig to Miss Thorn?
- Because I was afraid!
Afraid Miss Thorne would think I was naughty!
- Were you naughty, Tina?
- Oh, no, Mommy.
I wasn't naughty.
After Louise had her accident,
I found the wig and put it in my bag
so it wouldn't get lost.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
Did I do a bad thing?
- Oh no, Tina, no.
But we do have to give the wig back to Miss Thorn.
- Oh, mother, you're silly.
She's too old to play Pippi.
- Tina!
- It's my wig and it's my part!
- Sweetheart, is there something you want to tell Mommy?
- Only that I love you
and I think that you're the best mother
in the whole, wide world.
That's what I tell everyone.
I say, I have the nicest mother!
The prettiest mother!
Oh, Mother, what would you give me for a bucket of kisses?
(Tina smooches)
- Knock it off, Tina!
You're not that good!
(dramatic music)
- Excuse me?
- You did it, didn't you?
- What do you mean, mother?
- You killed Louise Lerman for a part in a show?
- Not just any part Mother, the lead!
- Oh, my God!
Well start at the beginning and don't leave anything out!
♪ Howdy-Do, my name is Pippi ♪
- Not the show, Tina!
Tell me what happened to Louise!
- We got to rehearsal.
- Go on.
- We changed clothes.
- Go on.
- We did warm-ups.
- Go on.
- Louise hung herself.
- Back up. (audience laughing)
- I told Louise I had to play Pippi,
but she said I didn't have the range.
So I chased her.
I chased her up onto the catwalk.
That's when she gave me the wig.
I asked her if that meant if I could play Pippi
and she said, "Yeah, over my dead body!"
So I wrapped the jump rope around her fat neck
and pushed her over the side!
- Tina! (dramatic music)
Tina!
- I wanted the part, what could I do?
(audience laughing)
- You could have hurt her!
You didn't have to kill her!
- I wasn't thinking.
I was tired and I didn't have my lunch.
- Look at me, Tina!
You did a bad thing, a very bad thing!
You killed that little girl, do you know what that means?
- Yeah, it means I'm playing Pippi!
- Go to your room!
- Why? - You're punished!
- But, Mommy, the show!
- Never mind the show!
- Now go to your room
and don't you come out until I call you!
(Judy gasps)
- Is she ready?
(ominous music)
Is everything laid out?
Make-up box, ballet shoes,
(Sylvia gasps) her new opening night party dress?
- Please, Sylvia, not now!
♪ She'll look ♪
♪ Every inch the star ♪
♪ Your darling daughter ♪
♪ Now if she just remembers ♪
♪ All I've taught her ♪
♪ Tonight will launch her new career ♪
♪ It won't be long before they cheer ♪
♪ They'll give her a standing ovation ♪
♪ I'll make this kid a household name ♪
♪ With the Tina doll and the Tina game ♪
♪ We're going to become ♪
♪ A corporation-- ♪
- Stop it Sylvia!
- What's the matter dear?
Are you having your ladies?
(doorbell ringing)
(upbeat music)
- That must be Mother.
- Where's my granddaughter? (audience applauding)
- I'm afraid Tina is being punished.
- Tina punished?
What did she do?
Kill Somebody?
(Lita laughing)
Hello?
(dramatic chiming)
- Mother, this is Tina's manager, Sylvia St. Croix.
- Here!
Don't I know you from somewhere?
- I replaced Monica Breedlove in "Surely, You Jest."
(Lita gasps)
- Of course!
The role of Shirley was played by an actress
whose performance obviously peaked with the cab driver
on the way to the theater.
- Grandmother!
- Darling!
Have you been naughty?
- Have you?
- I love this kid.
- How much?
- This much! - More!
(audience laughing)
- Here!
- Look, Sylvia.
- Mine are in the car, and they're bigger.
- Here.
- Tina, I want you to go back to your room.
- Oh!
- You can visit with Grandmother later.
- Come along, Tina.
We better work on the Pippi ballad.
- That's the slow song.
- Oh, darling, I remember you when you were this big.
- I remember you when you were sober!
(audience laughing)
- Would you like a drink?
- Are you going to have one?
- Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
- Now, what's all this twaddle
about my granddaughter being punished?
- Mother, you know how Frederick and I have always--
- Who?
- Frederick, my husband?
We've always encouraged Tina to do whatever she wants,
and all she's ever wanted was to perform.
- You're married?
- The point is, I don't want Tina to ever set foot
on a stage again, ever!
And that goes for tonight.
- Well darling, if you think I've driven all this way
to sit through some farchadet Pippi musical
that does not star my granddaughter,
you're out of your mind.
- But, Mother--
- Honey.
♪ If I want to see theater ♪
♪ I go see a play ♪
♪ With no singing or dancing ♪
♪ To get in the way ♪
♪ Theater is language ♪
♪ And that should be all ♪
♪ Music belongs at the Carnegie Hall ♪
♪ Not a reason on earth ♪
♪ As far as I know ♪
♪ To write, mount, and open ♪
♪ A musical show ♪
Honey, I've been a theater (fast upbeat music)
critic for 100 years and it's always the same.
♪ The story is moving ♪
♪ Chock full of suspense ♪
♪ The plot takes a twist ♪
♪ And the mood is intense ♪
♪ Then someone sings a song like this ♪
♪ It doesn't make sense ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Puh-Leeze ♪
♪ I hate musicals ♪
♪ Gangs don't look tough ♪
♪ When they twirl and they snap ♪
♪ My blood starts to boil ♪
♪ When a nun starts to tap ♪
♪ And wouldn't you just love to slap ♪
♪ Maria Von Trapp ♪
I'll tell you how to solve a problem like Maria.
"Hey Rolf, she's over there!"
♪ I hate musicals ♪
♪ The books a bore and so's the score ♪
♪ But people don't care ♪
♪ As long as they can see an actor ♪
♪ Fly through the air ♪
♪ Today it seems the only way ♪
♪ To cause a sensation ♪
♪ Is use reality TV stars ♪
♪ And amplification ♪
♪ I hate the genre ♪
♪ It's all second rate ♪
♪ When forced to see this crap ♪
♪ I always come late ♪
♪ From overture to curtain call ♪
♪ It all turns me off ♪
♪ I fidget and cough the whole night long ♪
♪ Yes, I hate musicals ♪
♪ But not as much ♪
♪ As I hate ♪
♪ This song ♪
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
Oh yeah.
♪ And why do revivals ♪
♪ Of shows that are blah ♪
♪ They can sew on sequins ♪
♪ But a bras still a bra ♪
♪ The chorus does a kick line ♪
♪ And the crowd goes insane ♪
♪ In utter disdain ♪
♪ I head for the doors ♪
♪ 'Cause I hate ♪
♪ Musicals ♪
♪ But not as much ♪
♪ As I hate ♪
♪ Encores ♪
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
Oh, yeah.
♪ They can hold you hostage ♪
♪ For as long as they want ♪
♪ Oh no here comes another verse ♪
♪ From some washed up cow ♪
♪ Give me Albee Orton ♪
♪ William Inge, David Mamet ♪
♪ And Jesus was a Savior ♪
♪ Not a superstar god damn it ♪
♪ So keep your chorus lines ♪
♪ Of gypsies and mames ♪
♪ I'd rather see a flick ♪
♪ Or bowl a few frames ♪
♪ No matter who is starring ♪
♪ I'm never enticed ♪
♪ It's way over-priced ♪
♪ But I don't pay ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ I hate ♪
♪ Musicals ♪
♪ Ugh ♪
♪ But I fear they're ♪
♪ Here to stay ♪
♪ Ugh ♪
♪ I hate musicals ♪
♪ But not as much ♪
♪ As I hate ♪
♪ Ballet ♪
(audience applauding)
- Much as I'd love to hear another chorus,
I've got to ask you something I've never asked you before.
Who are my real parents?
- Tina's having her bath.
Now, Judy, about tonight.
I've arranged for a photographer,
so be sure to wear something gorgeous.
Who knows?
They may do a mother-daughter spread.
- It's a school show, Sylvia.
- It's the start of her career.
- Well, I'm not sure I want her to have such a career!
- I'm not sure you have a choice.
Show business is in that child's blood.
- Don't say that!
It's not in my blood or in Frederick's.
- Who?
- I've made up my mind.
No more show business!
- What about what Tina wants?
- Well Tina will be happier in the Brownies.
- No!
She'll die in the Brownies!
- Stop it, Sylvia! (light music)
- I think you do want this for Tina, but you're afraid.
- Afraid?
- Afraid of how desperately you want it,
and not for Tina, but for yourself!
- What are you saying?
- Admit it!
Deep down it's you who wants to be the star!
- What?
- Everyone does! - No!
(audience laughing)
- You're jealous of your own daughter's talent!
- I am deliriously happy leading a normal, ordinary life!
And so too will my daughter.
- A normal life was not possible,
nor is it for any poor creature driven by inherited talent.
I'm quoting you, Miss Encore.
It's a passage from a book you wrote many years ago.
"Ruthless: The Life and Times of Ruth Del Marco."
(dramatic chiming)
- That name!
- Ruth Del Marco was insane!
Talented, somewhat, but totally insane.
Imagine killing yourself over a bad review.
- A review written by Lita Encore!
- What of it?
- If only you'd been (slow jazz music)
a little kinder, a little more encouraging with your words,
Ruth Del Marco might still be alive.
- Perhaps she is.
(dramatic chiming)
- What?
- They never found her body,
just those big footprints in the sand and a suicide note.
- Surely you don't believe--
- Three years ago, Ruth Del Marco was spotted doing
"I Do, I Do" in Bucks County!
- That's just a rumor.
- Perhaps, but the fact is they never found her.
- Or her child.
(dramatic chiming)
- A child?
- Ready for lunch, sweetheart?
- Ruth Del Marco had a child?
- A little girl, I believe.
(dramatic chiming)
- Sylvia!
(dramatic chiming)
- Coming, Tina.
(slow paced music)
She kept it quiet, of course.
The child's father being Bob Fosse and all.
(audience laughing) (Lita gasps)
(audience applauding)
- Oh, I want my child to be happy!
- She is happy.
- I want her to be normal.
- She is happy.
(audience laughing)
- Mother?
- Yes, honey?
- Who am I?
- Why now, you're my daughter and I love you very much.
- Well yes, yes, but where do I come from?
- The Judy department at Sears!
- Oh Mother, please!
You've got to tell me the truth!
Who are my real parents?
- Oh, please, Ginger.
- Ginger?
- I mean Judy!
- You called me Ginger!
- I knew God would punish me for panning Fiddler.
(chimes chiming)
Oh this is so difficult for me!
Come, let's go have a quiet lunch, just the two of us,
and afterwards a long talk.
Please?
We need time.
- Of course, Mother.
I understand.
- Ah, you're Ruth Del Marco's child!
- Oh, my God!
- You tore it out of me!
- Do you mean to say I came from that, that--
- Oh, I know what you're thinking and it's not true!
- I'm talented!
- No!
- Oh God help me, I'm talented!
- Darling, you're not!
Trust me!
- Oh, it's all my fault!
- What are you talking about?
- Her talent, her drive,
her pathological need to be famous!
Oh God!
Oh I feel so cheap and dirty!
How did this happen?
(melancholy music)
- I heard Ruth had a child.
And when she disappeared, I came looking
and I found you alone, frightened,
locked up in your mother's dressing room!
Oh, Judy.
- No!
My name is Ginger Del Marco!
(dramatic chiming) (Lita gasps)
- But you're my daughter and I have raised you
ever since you were two years old.
- Oh, mother.
- Okay, seven, what's the difference?
You were an ordinary little girl
who couldn't sing or dance at all.
- Was I, Mother?
Was I?
- You're still nothing special.
- How can you be sure?
- 'Cause you've grown up beautifully
and you're married to Kenneth.
- Frederick!
- Whatever!
And together you've given birth to--
♪ Howdy-Do ♪ (Lita sighs)
♪ My name is Pippi ♪
♪ P-I-P-P-I ♪
- To that
- Tina!
Get back here!
- You must take care of your daughter.
- But she--
- She needs you.
- But she--
- She needs you now more than ever!
I'm so glad we finally had that little talk!
Mommy dearest feels so much better now, don't you?
I'll see you later at the theater honey.
Break a leg Tina!
I may be late sweetheart but don't worry,
I will be there eventually.
Because as much as Grandma loves you.
♪ I hate musicals ♪
(audience applauding)
- Okay, Tina, I want to hear the Pippi ballad from the top.
- I'm tired, Sylvia.
- Oh come on, come on, it's almost there!
- Okay, okay. (slow paced music)
♪ When I was a little girl ♪
♪ A little girl of-- ♪
- No, it's too cute!
It needs weight!
(audience laughing)
Start again.
♪ When I was a-- ♪
- No tears, damn it!
What did I teach you?
- If I cry the audience won't.
- Precisely.
Start again.
- No!
- Tina!
- I'm tired and I'm hungry!
- You're a quitter.
- It's a lousy song, anyway.
- There are no lousy songs, just lazy singers.
Here, I'll show you how it's done.
♪ When ♪
♪ I was a little girl ♪
♪ A little girl of seven ♪
♪ My Mommy unexpectedly ♪
♪ Went on a trip to heaven ♪
♪ And Daddy dear ♪
♪ Would kiss my tear ♪
♪ When I would start to cry ♪
- No!
It's too big Sylvia.
(audience laughing)
- I beg your pardon?
- It's too big.
I think you want the audience to come to you.
- Excuse me, Judy Denmark.
But what would you possibly know about it?
(ominous music)
- I know enough to see
that you're pushing for results.
Look at you.
You're not in the moment.
Why, you're
indicating!
(dramatic chiming)
- Mama, will you show me how it's done?
(slow paced music)
- I can't.
- Oh yes you can!
♪ When ♪ (audience laughing)
♪ I was a little girl ♪
♪ A little girl of seven ♪
♪ My Mommy unexpectedly ♪
♪ Went on a trip to heaven ♪
♪ And Daddy dear would kiss my tear ♪
♪ When I would start to cry ♪
♪ And say, "Though Mommy's dead, ♪
♪ "She's overhead ♪
♪ "An angel in the sky" ♪
Mama?
♪ Now ♪
♪ When I lay me down to sleep ♪
♪ I don't turn off the light ♪
♪ So Mom can find me when she comes ♪
♪ To kiss my cheek goodnight ♪
♪ Of course I raise my window now ♪
♪ Before I get in bed ♪
♪ I wouldn't want ♪
♪ My angel Mom ♪
♪ To bang her angel head ♪ (audience laughing)
I'm a talented girl, Mama!
♪ You may say I'm motherless ♪
♪ But I must disagree ♪ (phone ringing)
♪ For I live for my Mother ♪
♪ And my Mother lives in me ♪
♪ And everything I'll ever do ♪
♪ And everything I'll be ♪
♪ I'll be because of Mommy dear ♪
♪ My Mother lives in me ♪
Tina, take the third chorus!
♪ You may say I'm motherless ♪
♪ But I must disagree ♪
- Arms!
♪ For I live for my Mother ♪
♪ And my Mother lives in me ♪
- Smile, damn it!
♪ And ♪
♪ Everything I'll ever do ♪
♪ And everything I'll be ♪
♪ I'll be because of Mommy dear ♪
♪ Mommy's here ♪
♪ My Mother lives in ♪
♪ Me ♪
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Dear Frederick.
I am writing to tell you that Tina has
committed an unspeakable crime.
So I turned her in. (dramatic music)
Perhaps my biggest mistake was allowing
Sylvia to handle her defense.
- Ladies and gentleman of the jury,
a child is dead and we are heartbroken.
But I ask you now to consider her parents,
Mike and Betty Lerman as difficult as this
must be for them,
imagine how painful it would've been
for them to have to sit through
their untalented daughters performance,
when she was so horribly miscast.
- Tina Denmark, I hereby sentence you
to four years at the Daisy Clover School
for Psychopathic Ingénues. (people shouting)
(gate clanking)
♪ The older girls are dangerous ♪
♪ Their smoking makes me cough ♪
(Tina coughing)
♪ My life is taking orders ♪
♪ While my Mother's taking off ♪
- This year's Tony Award for
Best Actress in a Musical goes to Ginger Del Marco
for "Pardon My Wind!"
(audience applauding)
♪ I must admit this really makes me burn ♪
♪ A mother shouldn't take her daughter's turn ♪
- Talent!
Inherited and unstoppable,
dragging generation after generation into the spotlight.
Remember Judy Denmark?
Well, four years and two Tony Awards later,
meet Ginger Del Marco!
(camera shuttering) (audience cheering)
Ginger Del Marco, a born-again talent
who hasn't baked a cookie in years.
(phone rings)
A star package, bursting with agents,
managers, hairdressers, and--
- I'll get it.
- Her devoted personal assistant.
- This is Eve.
Eve.
- A clutching, clawing Broadway wannabe,
clinging, oh, so desperately to the hem of success.
- I'm sorry, Miss Del Marco never comes to the phone.
You'll have to wait until she calls you.
- Bye-bye!
(women laughing)
- On the very morning that Tina was to be released,
I had the bottomless daiquiri at Lindy's
and headed straight to Ginger's apartment.
♪ That's penthouse apartment ♪
♪ A view of the park ♪
♪ Oh, life is a lark ♪
♪ For Ginger Del Marco ♪
♪ The living is easy ♪
♪ Now that Ginger's on top ♪
♪ Oh, she gets to give orders ♪
♪ Like she's the gestapo ♪
♪ Hey look at me ♪
♪ Oh a kid from Toledo ♪
♪ Living the high life ♪
♪ It's gonna be my life ♪
♪ Being persistent ♪
♪ I became her assistant ♪
♪ I soak up the glamor ♪
♪ And sometimes ♪
♪ I am her ♪
♪ Wee ♪
♪ I put on her undies ♪
♪ Her perfume and jewels ♪
♪ I slip into her nightgown ♪
♪ And slap on her mules ♪
♪ I guzzle her liquor ♪
♪ I eat all her food ♪
♪ Oh, I cuddle her Tony's ♪
♪ When I'm in the nude ♪
♪ I lay on her bed ♪
♪ I read all her mail ♪
♪ I study her movements ♪
♪ Every detail ♪
♪ I wanna be ready ♪ (glass shattering)
♪ For one day perhaps ♪
♪ I'll be waiting in the wings ♪
♪ When Ginger snaps ♪
(Eve laughing)
♪ I pick up her tissues ♪
♪ When she has the flu, choo ♪
♪ When it's off to the beach ♪
♪ I Brazilian her hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I cook, I clean, I wash, I sew ♪
♪ I walk the dog, I shovel snow ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm a glorified maid ♪
♪ But I'm having the time ♪
♪ Of her life ♪ (glass shattering)
♪ And getting paid ♪
(Eve humming)
(Eve sniffing)
♪ I want a penthouse apartment ♪
♪ With a view of the park ♪
♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
(audience applauding)
I'll get it!
(doorbell rings)
Oh fuck.
(upbeat music) (audience laughing)
- Hello, Eve.
- How did you get past the doorman?
- Easy, I didn't wake him up.
Is she here?
- I'm sorry, Miss Del Marco never receives visitors.
You'll have to wait until she calls on you.
Bye-bye!
- So this is the thanks I get
for all that I've done for her!
Now she's a big star.
She's turning her back on her past!
She thinks she doesn't need me.
Well, I don't need you Miss Broadway Star,
Miss Thanks-A-Lot-And-Out-With-The-Garbage!
- Lower your voice.
- I got me a better idea.
(speaking foreign language)
- Yeah, (speaking foreign language)!
- Beg your pardon?
- Shut your pie hole!
- Eve!
- Yes, Miss Del Marco?
- Damn it, Eve, I told you to speak French!
(speaking foreign language)
- Here, I got a stain on this.
(speaking foreign language)
- No, I think it's clam sauce.
(speaking foreign language)
- We have to talk!
- Call my press agent.
- I am your press agent.
- Not anymore you're not!
Have you seen today's paper?
Read it!
- "Although winner of two Tony Awards,
"Ginger Del Marco is no real actress.
"She's a no-account entertainer
"wasting her life doing musicals."
- That's just your mother being a bore.
- How can she say such a thing
when every night you light up the stage
as Joan of Arc in "Where There's Smoke."
- The Times said I was on fire.
- Literally.
(women laughing)
- And for your information,
Lita Encore was not my real mother.
My mother was the fabulous Ruth Del Marco.
(slow paced music)
Her talent is in my blood
and show business is my life.
All I care about, all I've ever cared about is my career.
- That's why you're the toast of Broadway!
- Toast?
Don't you mean Danish?
(dramatic music)
- Danish?
- As in Denmark?
(dramatic music)
- Denmark?
- As in Judy Denmark?
(dramatic chiming)
- Miss Del Marco has an interview.
I think you'd better leave.
- Afraid I'll talk?
Tell the world you're still a housewife at heart
with a kid in reform school?
- Where are my manners?
Eve?
- "Don't scratch your scabs
"or they'll never bet any better!"
(audience laughing)
- She's nuts, but I don't pay her much.
Why don't you take our guest to the kitchen
and fix her a snack?
- Come on, Sylvia, I've got sushi in the oven.
- How could you?
- Today is the day that your daughter is being released.
- Boys.
(light music)
♪ Once life was simple ♪
♪ And (singing in foreign language) ♪
♪ I was an ordinary nothing ♪
♪ Just like you ♪
♪ Oh how I loved to cook and clean ♪
♪ My life an open magazine ♪
♪ Just like every happy ♪
♪ Housewife way back when ♪
♪ But it can never be ♪
♪ That way again ♪
♪ I lost the apron ♪
♪ I found my voice ♪
♪ And now I live my life onstage ♪
♪ I have ♪
♪ No choice ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ A woman doomed to entertain ♪
♪ Must use applause to ease the pain ♪
♪ When she gets that old ♪
♪ Familiar housewife yen ♪
♪ But it can never be ♪
♪ That way again ♪
(solemn music)
Do you think I like this?
Do you think I want this?
Do you know what it's like to lie in bed night after night
fighting the urge to defrost your freezer
or to run a vacuum and clean your own house?
But I can't.
I can't!
I'm a star!
(Ginger sniffing)
♪ Now people love me ♪ (glass shattering)
♪ From Hell to Main ♪
♪ So it's goodbye to apple pie ♪
♪ Bonjour Champaign ♪
♪ Perhaps to you this won't make sense ♪
♪ I'll always miss my picket fence ♪
♪ I had a life ♪
♪ Not just an ego way back when ♪
♪ But now I star ♪
♪ In Broadway shows ♪
♪ 'Cause in my veins ♪
♪ The talent flows ♪
This time I'm doing it for me Mama!
♪ It can never be ♪
♪ That way ♪
♪ Again ♪ (upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
(Ginger screams) (dramatic chiming)
What the hell is this doing here?
- I thought it might remind you.
- I can't imagine of what?
- She's done her time at Clover.
Arrangements must be made.
- What sort of arrangements?
- Clearly, you have no time for her.
You have no time for anyone but yourself.
What that child needs is--
- I know what she needs, Sylvia!
I'm her mother!
(dramatic chiming)
- How dare you take that tone with me!
- Sylvia, it's not that I don't appreciate
everything you've done for me,
but look at me, darling.
I've outgrown you.
- I made you a Broadway star!
- Of musical comedy!
Damn it Sylvia, I want to act!
Which reminds me, I'm flying to the coast tomorrow
to shoot a screen test.
- Movies!
I might have known!
Well,
you can't go.
You've got a show to do
and your understudy broke her neck.
- She started it!
- Oh Ginger.
- Let me go, Sylvia.
- What? (tense music)
- You've got to let me go!
- I can't!
- I'll give you anything you want.
A new car, a fur coat,
an acting school for kids.
♪ You say that I can have anything ♪
♪ That I want ♪
- Name it.
- I want the girl.
- What?
♪ You say that you will pay any price ♪
♪ May I be blunt ♪
♪ I want the girl ♪
♪ Look around ♪
♪ Look what I've made here ♪
♪ I didn't do it for you ♪
♪ I'm not cutting out till I'm paid dear ♪
♪ So save your behavior ♪
♪ It's much too abusive ♪
♪ I want the girl ♪
♪ And I want an exclusive ♪
- I know this rotten business inside out
and I will not allow any child of mine anywhere near it.
- Afraid of the competition?
- Good-bye, Sylvia.
(audience laughing)
♪ She thinks that she can toss me aside ♪
♪ She's got her nerve ♪
♪ I'll get the girl ♪
♪ So hopelessly wrapped up in your life ♪
♪ You don't deserve ♪
♪ That little girl ♪
♪ True, your reviews may be glowing ♪
♪ The critics darling they say ♪
♪ Well darling, your ego is showing ♪
♪ Today's hot tamale ♪
♪ Tomorrow grows colder ♪
♪ The future is here dear ♪
♪ Look over your shoulder ♪
♪ I'm gonna take her ♪
♪ And I'm gonna make her ♪
♪ A bigger star ♪
♪ A brighter star than you ♪
♪ Stand back, this time she's hitting the heights ♪
♪ That gorgeous face ♪
♪ Those golden curls ♪
♪ I see a blazing theater marquee ♪
♪ My name in lights ♪
I mean, the girl's.
♪ Though you may not understand dear ♪
♪ Maybe you'll thank me one day ♪
♪ For taking these matters in hand dear ♪
♪ So go on and polish your star ♪
♪ As it rises ♪
♪ But don't burn your bridges ♪
♪ Life's full of surprises ♪
♪ I'm gonna take her ♪
♪ And I'm gonna make her ♪
♪ A bigger star ♪
♪ A brighter star than you ♪
♪ Just wait and see ♪
♪ I want the girl ♪
♪ I'll get the girl ♪
♪ I want the girl ♪
♪ To be me ♪
(camera shuttering)
♪ To be me ♪
(camera shuttering)
♪ Be me ♪ (camera shuttering)
♪ To be ♪
♪ Me ♪
(camera shuttering) (audience applauding)
(Eve and Ginger clapping)
- I'll get it!
(phone rings.)
- No, Eve.
I'll get it.
(tense music)
Yeah?
You may send her up.
(Sylvia gasping)
Sylvia, would you care to freshen up?
- Thanks dear, I don't mind if I do.
- There's a gas station on the corner.
(Ginger laughing)
- I'm not leaving
until we have a deal!
- Yeah, well, try not to get
make-up all over my hand towels.
(doorbell rings)
(light dramatic music)
Eve, say hello to my darling daughter.
- Oh, it's awfully nice to meet you!
I've heard absolutely nothing about you!
- Eve, Tina, Tina, Eve.
- Tina?
(dramatic music)
Tina Denmark?
(dramatic music)
Say, aren't you the dame that killed that Lerman kid
for a part in a play?
- Well not just any part, the lead!
- Ah, how did ya do it?
- She hung her with a jump rope.
You remember that?
I was so angry with you!
Now there's a few actresses
I'd like to hang with a jump rope.
(Eve and Ginger laughing)
- Me, too!
(Eve speaks gibberish) - Eve!
(Eve speaking foreign language)
- Go crush me an aspirin.
- Ooh, I'm afraid we're all out of aspirin.
But how about a Valium?
- Let's all take one!
(Ginger humming)
Now, go walk Puddles.
(Eve speaking foreign language)
I counted those.
(slow paced music)
Hello, Tina.
- Hello, Mother.
- You look different.
- So do you.
You look, beautiful!
- Sorry I haven't visited you at school.
More often I mean.
- Once would've been nice.
- Mommy's been very busy.
- So, it's true!
My mother, a Broadway star!
- They say I can play anything, you know.
- That's what I hear.
- Well that's what they say.
- Sit down mother, I wanna sing you something.
(audience laughing)
♪ Once upon a time ♪
♪ All I wanted was to shine ♪
♪ Brighter than the stars ♪
♪ Up in the sky ♪
♪ It was not too long ago ♪
♪ That my life was just a show ♪
♪ And the only stars were ♪
♪ Me, myself, and I ♪
♪ But time has passed ♪
♪ And I have changed, it's true ♪
♪ Now I come home ♪
♪ To share all that I've learned with you ♪
♪ The applause is wonderful, I know ♪
♪ But you can't take the audience ♪
♪ Home with you after the show ♪
- Well, not all of them anyway.
(audience laughing)
♪ There's more to life ♪
♪ Than being a star ♪
♪ Eating caviar in a fancy car ♪
♪ There's home and heart ♪
♪ And if you're smart you'll know ♪
♪ Rolling outside in the grass ♪
♪ Sure beats rolling in dough ♪
♪ There's more to life ♪
♪ Than a Tony Award ♪
♪ For soon you'll grow bored ♪
♪ With being adored ♪
♪ There's Christmas cheer ♪
♪ And ginger beer ♪
♪ And now ♪
♪ Taking a walk in the park ♪
♪ Sure beats taking a bow ♪
♪ All the years I have wasted ♪
♪ Seeking attention and praise ♪
♪ Now I know there are far better ways ♪
♪ To fill up my days ♪
♪ Just look around ♪
♪ There are wonderful things to be done ♪
♪ Like the saving the planet ♪
♪ Or being a nurse ♪
♪ Or a nun ♪
(audience laughing)
- You're right Tina, (slow paced music)
there is something missing in my life.
- I know, mother.
- Audiences love me, they do.
But it's like you said,
you can't take the audience home with you after the show.
Well--
♪ There's more to life ♪
♪ Than a life on the stage ♪
♪ Time to let go ♪
♪ And start a new page ♪
♪ Remember ♪
♪ How beautiful life was back then ♪
♪ I'm here ♪
♪ I'm home ♪
♪ Mother dear ♪
♪ It's our chance to be happy ♪
♪ Again ♪
(audience applauding)
- Knock it off, Tina!
What are you really doing here?
- What do you think I'm doing here?
- How the hell should I know?
I'm a Broadway star, not a Broadway mind-reader.
- I want what I've always wanted!
- And what pray tell is that?
- To be the star of this family.
Now outta my way, I'm going to my room to unpack.
- You can't.
- Why not?
- I sold all your furniture.
- I can make some.
I've had four years of woodshop.
(audience laughing)
- Sit down, Tina.
There's something I must show you.
"Ruthless: The Life and Times of Ruth Del Marco.
(slow paced music)
"A woman born with a deadly combination of talent, drive,
"and a desperate need to be famous,
"Ruth Del Marco couldn't help herself.
"Though she entertained and delighted millions,
"she was destined to destroy everyone around her."
Ruth Del Marco was my mother.
She couldn't help herself and neither can I.
- Are you saying that Ruth Del Marco was my grandmother?
- Don't you see Tina, I want you to be happy.
- What about you?
- It's too late for me, but you're still young and strong.
I want you to fight it!
- Oh nice try, Ginger!
Judy or whatever the hell your name is, but you owe me this!
- Come again?
- You turned me in just when I could've had a career.
(Ginger laughing)
- Let's not get nuts, Tina.
It was a school show.
Besides, I did it for your own good.
- Bullshit!
You did it for your own good!
All so you'd be free to run to New York and have my career!
Well, it won't wash.
I'm back, and you're my mother,
so you better start acting like it!
♪ You're not my only reason to exist, dear ♪
♪ When I think of all the life ♪
♪ I might have missed dear ♪
♪ Yes, I had a life before your birth, dear ♪
♪ You're not my only reason to be living ♪
♪ Here on earth, dear ♪
♪ Being a Mother ♪
♪ Is only a fraction ♪ - Ow!
♪ Even a Mother's entitled to action ♪
♪ Don't get me wrong kid ♪
♪ I know the score ♪
♪ But I've done double-duty ♪
♪ And now I want more ♪
♪ I fed you, I dressed you ♪
♪ You sneezed and I god blessed you ♪
♪ Now I have a life ♪
♪ I'm more than a Mother ♪
♪ More than a wife ♪
♪ I am your kid ♪
♪ And there's no going back, Mom ♪
♪ I'm here and now I think I'll go unpack, Mom ♪
♪ Whatever I am Mom, I owe it to you ♪
♪ So you can't disregard me and discard me on cue ♪
♪ My lawyers all agree ♪
♪ Good or bad luck, Mom ♪
♪ You're stuck Mom, with me ♪
(slow gentle music)
♪ Let's be calm ♪
♪ Let's not shout ♪ (drill buzzing)
♪ Let's try and understand ♪
♪ What this is really all about ♪
♪ Who'd have thought we'd come to this position ♪
♪ Mother, daughter locked in competition ♪
♪ And all I want is ♪
♪ All I'm saying ♪
♪ All I hope is all I'm praying ♪
♪ It's for you to look at me ♪ ♪ Look at me ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ Me ♪ ♪ Me ♪
♪ Look at me ♪
(gentle music)
♪ Parents and children ♪
♪ So often like strangers ♪
♪ Compete for attention ♪
♪ Vie for respect ♪
♪ Parents and children ♪
♪ Acting like strangers ♪
♪ If you take a moment to reflect ♪
♪ You'll see ♪
♪ We're no different ♪
♪ From any family ♪
♪ You're my mother ♪ (doll cracking)
♪ You're my daughter ♪ (doll cracking)
♪ Look at ♪
♪ Me ♪
- Bitch!
(audience applauding)
- How could you do this to your only child?
- The same way my Mother did it to me.
- Something I'm sure she's regretted every day of her life.
Hello, Tina.
- All that woman cared about was her career.
I can't say that I blame her.
- Your mother is so proud of you.
- My mother is dead.
- Am I?
(tense music)
- The critics tried to kill me, but I'm still here!
- I don't understand, Sylvia.
- No, my child, not Sylvia,
the name's Del Marco!
(dramatic music) (Ginger gasps)
Ruth Del Marco!
- Mama?
Mama?
- After Lita's poisonous review closed my show,
I couldn't face anyone!
Not even my own child.
So I swam far, far out to sea,
but, as luck would have it,
I was rescued by a passing cruise ship.
Fortunately, they didn't recognize me with wet hair.
One night I changed my name
and sang a couple of songs in the Lido Lounge.
Soon I was headlining, and calling bingo,
in the main room!
They loved me!
- They'll love anything on a cruise ship!
- Watch it! (audience laughing)
One day a producer came aboard
and offered me a part in an all-white company
of the all-black version of, "Hello Dolly!"
I jumped at it.
One summer we played your small town
and that's when I spotted you.
All those years of pushing you aside,
thinking only of myself,
never encouraging you to develop
the talent you were born with.
I should have given you voice lessons,
or at least tap shoes that fit.
(audience laughing)
I just didn't want to share the spotlight.
- Oh, mother I--
- I still don't!
- Sorry! (audience laughing)
- Suddenly, it didn't matter.
For there, standing next to you,
was my granddaughter, Tina!
And I knew that God had given me a second chance!
Can you ever forgive a silly, selfish, old woman?
- Oh Mother, you're not silly.
But,
but why do you insist on making Tina a star?
- I can't let you make the same mistakes with your daughter.
You'll never forgive yourself.
- I forgive you
Mama.
- Gingie?
- Hold me, Mommy!
- Baby!
(light dramatic music)
- Grandmother!
- Call me Ruth!
(fast upbeat music)
- But why didn't you tell me any of this before?
- I didn't want you to think I was
hanging around to get a part in one of your shows
because I'm your Mother, or anything.
- You are going to be in my new show!
(Sylvia chuckles)
- That's very sweet dear,
but the truth is I don't want to perform anymore.
What I really wanna do is direct!
- Then you'll direct it!
- What about me?
- She'll be great in the part of your daughter.
- Sorry to disappoint you, Tina, but the part's been cast.
Cute kid, too.
Rachel somebody.
- Does she need an understudy?
- Here we go again! (audience laughing)
- I want that part!
- You're not ready for it.
Oh sure, you got rid of the competition once,
but do have you any idea how many people you have to destroy
to make it in this business?
- I can learn.
Teach me!
(light gentle music)
(lights clanking)
♪ I remember the night ♪
♪ That I won my first Tony ♪
♪ I thanked my producers ♪
♪ Purina and Sony ♪
♪ I thanked my director, my hairdresser Paul ♪
♪ I thanked all the people both little and small ♪
♪ And I assure you the tears that I dabbed ♪
♪ Were not for the backs that I stabbed ♪
♪ Be ruthless ♪
♪ Take a gander at me ruthless ♪
♪ Unconditionally ruthless ♪
♪ That's the game you must play to hit the heights ♪
♪ I guarantee ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Puts you on the marquee ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ They're notoriously ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Those who have a career, deary ♪
♪ Being sweet and affectionate ♪
♪ Only leads to rejection ♪
♪ It never wins you a Tony award ♪
♪ Lord you've helped me ♪
♪ Find my niche ♪
♪ Thanks to talent I'm filthy rich ♪
♪ I'm so proud of my Broadway bitch ♪
♪ I'm flying high and adored ♪
♪ We ruthless ♪
♪ Granny, Mommy and me, ruthless ♪
♪ Take a tip from the three ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Ladies singing this song ♪
♪ Can the compassion, the fashion is ruthless ♪
♪ Whether you're young ♪
♪ Or you're gray-haired and toothless ♪
♪ The key to success is to be talented, yes ♪
♪ But talent can fail ♪
♪ You gotta be ready to fight to the nail ♪
♪ Be sharp as a tack ♪
♪ Tough as a cop ♪
♪ Willing to fly your way straight to the top ♪
♪ You can't stand the heat ♪
♪ Get off of the top ♪
♪ You wanna be famous ♪
♪ Then listen to us ♪
♪ 'Cause ♪
♪ We ruthless ♪
♪ Look around and you'll see ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Don't you know that to be ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ It itself is an art ♪
♪ So if you're smart you'll ♪
♪ Can the compassion, the fashion is ruthless ♪
♪ Whether you're young ♪
♪ Or you're gray haired and toothless ♪
♪ The key to success is ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ A low cut dress ♪
♪ Might impress ♪
♪ But to get the gig ♪
♪ You gotta have ♪
♪ Ruthlessness ♪
♪ The key to success is ♪
♪ Ruthlessness ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Hey!
Lets all pile into a limo and go to Sardi's.
- Hey, let's not and say we did!
Besides, I got a show to do.
- Oh yeah, come on, we're not in this scene.
Come on.
- You just run along and have a good time.
Don't worry about the show, I can do it!
- Take off my dress.
- I thought you gave it to me.
- To take to the cleaner's, Einstein, not to wear.
- Did I mention I'm taking the afternoon off?
- You're not serious.
♪ I have rehearsal. ♪
- Oh, you're joking.
- I'm your new understudy!
- You're fired!
- You can't fire me because I quit!
I hate you!
(tense music)
I've always hated you!
(tense music)
You and your phony ways!
Speaking lousy French and reading book reviews
like they was books!
- Pack your bags and get out!
- Can I keep the dress?
- Over my dead body.
- Suit yourself.
(everyone screaming) - Eve!
- No!
The name is not Eve!
It's Lerman.
(dramatic music)
Betty Lerman!
(dramatic music)
- Who?
- Louise's mother!
Act One!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, the dead girl.
(everyone screaming)
- I have waited a long time for this.
And look at you.
Standing there, thinking you're better
than everyone else (everyone screaming)
just 'cause you've got talent.
- We are better than everyone else.
- Stop it, Mother!
- Tina!
- Do you hear yourself?
It's only talent.
- But, darling, talent made me a star!
- Talent isn't a bad thing.
It's when the rewards of talent,
when fame and fortune become so important
you forget who you are and what you did for love.
Sure, I got talent, but I did a terrible thing.
I know I can't bring Louise back,
but I've learned something.
I've learned there's more to life than being a star.
Thank you, and God bless you all!
(audience laughing)
- That's one smart girl you got there!
- Thanks, Betty.
Can I call you Betty?
- Well...
Well sure, kid.
- Now!
(Betty screams) (fast tense music)
(gun firing)
(Betty gasps)
- It's me!
- Don't get blood on my sofa!
(Eve speaking foreign language)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
- Tina--
- Oh!
(gun firing)
(audience laughing)
- You saved my life.
- Now can I be in your show?
(Ginger and Sylvia screaming)
- No, Tina!
Not this way!
- Back off, Granny, I've killed before!
(Sylvia screams)
- You wouldn't hurt Mommy, would you?
- Oh, so it's back to Mommy, is it?
- Where's my granddaughter?
(Lita screaming)
- Do it!
Tina, give me the gun!
(tense music)
(gun firing) - Ooh!
- It's me!
- Why, Ruth Del Marco, you're not dead!
- Give me a minute, Encore!
Remember, Tina.
♪ You can go first class ♪
♪ If you've got talent ♪
♪ The world ♪ (everyone screams)
♪ Will kick your ass ♪
♪ If you've got talent ♪
♪ Baby, you'll have it all ♪
♪ Wait and see ♪
♪ And all of your talent ♪
♪ Came from ♪
(somber music)
- Ah, she never could sing.
(gun firing)
(Lita screams) (tense music)
(Lita moaning)
(audience applauding)
- What's happened?
Where am I?
Who am I?
- You're Ginger Del Marco.
- No, I'm Judy.
Judy Denmark, that's my name, Judy!
Judy Denmark!
- Judy?
- Please, call me Mommy.
- Mommy?
- Tina?
- Mommy!
- Tina!
(light gentle music)
I think we've learned a lesson here, Tina.
(audience laughing)
Now, together we can break the chain
and once and for all give up show business
and lead a normal, happy life!
Get your suitcase, sweetheart.
We're going home!
For, as God is my witness,
(dramatic music)
neither I, nor my child shall ever set foot
on a stage again!
Who needs Broadway?
- You're right, Mother!
There's no money on Broadway.
(gun firing) (fast paced music)
I'm getting a series!
- I've given up teaching!
I'm back in New York!
(gun firing)
(slow dramatic music)
(fast dramatic music)
♪ I can call the shots ♪
♪ 'Cause I got talent ♪
♪ The world is gonna plotz ♪
♪ From all this talent ♪
♪ And if you don't agree with this ♪
♪ Then I invite you all to kiss ♪
♪ My adolescent, prepubescent bum ♪
- Honey, I'm home!
- Frederick?
- Please, call me daddy!
(gun firing)
(Frederick screams) (body thudding)
♪ Hey Hollywood ♪
♪ Here ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ Come ♪
(gun firing)
(audience applauding) (slow paced music)
(audience cheering)
(fast paced music)
♪ 'Cause we ruthless ♪
♪ Look around and you'll see ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Don't you know that to be ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ It itself is an art ♪
♪ So if you're smart you'll ♪
♪ Can the compassion ♪
♪ The fashion is ruthless ♪
♪ Whether you're young ♪
♪ Or you're gray-haired and toothless ♪
♪ The key to success is ♪
♪ Ruthless ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
(audience applauding and cheering)
(quirky music)
- You've been listening to
the "Ruthless" orchestra!
And now, a rare treat.
Here, singing her signature song
from the 1942 Broadway smash hit,
"Bananas Over Broadway,"
the incomparable, Ruth Del Marco.
(upbeat music)
♪ I'll be an Unkies Monkle ♪
♪ I'll be a gun of a son ♪
♪ Everything's donkey hory ♪
♪ When you're my bunny hun ♪
♪ Well, it just shows to go ya ♪
♪ Now the rhyme is tight ♪
♪ For ye I moved ♪
♪ The uddle cup ♪
♪ And nance, nance, nance, ♪
♪ All dight ♪
♪ More than a benelect ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ And I'll be shipped in debt ♪
♪ You love me too ♪
♪ La la, oh yeah ♪
♪ I'll be an Unkies Monkle ♪
♪ I'll be a gun of a son ♪
♪ Everything's donkey hory ♪
♪ But you're my bunny hug ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You're the whitten kiskers ♪
♪ And I'm an Unkies Monkle ♪
♪ Ain't we thought gone ♪
(light music)
- That was vintage Ruth Del Marco
singing "I'll Be an Unkies Monkle."