1
00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:18,118
[whispering] Thanks.

2
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,823
♪organ plays wedding music♪

3
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,729
You may kiss the bride.

4
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,565
[man] Take it on vacations,

5
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,300
-family parties...
-Whoa.

6
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,301
[woman] Is it on?

7
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,903
-Can you see me?
-Huh?

8
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,238
-How do I look?
-[laughs]

9
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:39,306
[Ralph] Mom, you look great.

10
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:41,742
What's so funny?

11
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:43,143
[Ralph] Nothing.

12
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:44,544
[man] Hey, careful, Ralphie.

13
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:45,512
That's not a toy.

14
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:46,847
-I paid a lot of money for that.
-Yeah, I know, I kn--

15
00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:49,116
[man] Ralph.

16
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,951
Did you put a tape in that?

17
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:53,153
-Yeah.
-Which tape?

18
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:55,722
[Ralph] I found one underneath
the entertainment center.

19
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,790
Was it blank?

20
00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:57,891
[Ralph] I- I think s--

21
00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,861
[applause and wedding music]

22
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,535
Hello and Merry Christmas.

23
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,471
Operation Just Cause
enters its fifth day--

24
00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:13,073
[man] It says here...

25
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,909
we can record
straight from the TV.

26
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,045
-Hey, Ralphie.
-Huh?

27
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,279
Grab this cord

28
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,415
and plug into the
back of the camera.

29
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,283
-Uh, right here?
-Yup.

30
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:25,719
There you go.

31
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:28,555
...troops have been
playing music at loud volumes

32
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,257
outside the embassy,
in an attempt

33
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,125
to force Noriega to surrender.

34
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,594
The opera-loving dictator
has been forced to listen--

35
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,663
[VO] 10 of the same!

36
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:37,864
♪jaunty music♪

37
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,600
[horses neighing
and country music]

38
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,536
What's wrong here, partner?

39
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:46,206
Kindly the Cowboy,
I got this big ol' problem.

40
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:46,606
Hm?

41
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:48,241
This bully at school
keeps fighting--

42
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:53,080
...Black Sabbath, and songs
chosen for their ironic titles,

43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,482
-such as "No More--"
-Pretty cool, huh, Ralphie?

44
00:01:55,682 --> 00:01:57,417
You can record all
your favorite shows.

45
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,988
-[chortles]
-Stop it!

46
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,291
[cheering]

47
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,160
[Ralph] Hi there, my name--

48
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:12,366
my name is Ralph, and
I just got this camera.

49
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,267
It can zoom in...

50
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:15,902
it can zoom out,

51
00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:16,937
in, out.

52
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,439
It can zoom out,
in, out, in, out.

53
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,176
[whispering] Toothbrush.

54
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:33,186
[man and woman talking
indistinctly in background]

55
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,796
Hi, grandma.

56
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:45,932
So I'm gonna prank
my mom with this.

57
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:46,400
[fart noise]

58
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,804
Sh-sh-shh, [whispering]
be cool, be cool.

59
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:54,875
[fart noise]

60
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,910
-[laughter]
-Got you!

61
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,145
[woman] Ralphie!

62
00:02:58,478 --> 00:02:59,780
Are you filming this?

63
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:00,580
Cool.

64
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,617
-[snickers]
-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

65
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,551
Go outside and play.

66
00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:06,319
-It's a beautiful morning.
-Aww...

67
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:07,320
You shouldn't be
filming everyth--

68
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:12,993
I could get hurt.

69
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,194
This thing is huge.

70
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,829
[Ralph] Just light
it and run away!

71
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:17,597
That's what adults do.

72
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:20,434
I can't.

73
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,601
[Ralph] Ugh.

74
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,203
Oh, come on.

75
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:31,912
[Josh] [whispering] Okay.

76
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,480
'Kay, I'm gonna do it.

77
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,381
Are you recording?

78
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,383
[Josh] I don't think so.

79
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,617
What button do I press?

80
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,853
You press the
button-- the-- the red one.

81
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,021
[Josh] Oh, cool.

82
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,522
That was amazing!

83
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,492
Meteor!

84
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:46,927
Meteor!

85
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,895
-Yeah!
-Yeah, that was killer, man.

86
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,064
-Ow, mother-- !
-Don't touch it!

87
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,267
[Ralph] Arg!

88
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:59,272
All right, so this is
my best friend Josh,

89
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:01,708
and we're super best pals.

90
00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:03,510
Want to say hi, Josh?

91
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:04,644
[fart noise]

92
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,213
[Ralph] Classic Josh.

93
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:08,949
-[sneezes]
-Bless you.

94
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,218
-[sneezes]
-Bless you again.

95
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,018
Thanks.

96
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:12,853
Wait, wait, wait.

97
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,654
So you're telling me you
can wa-- you can record

98
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:16,156
late-night TV with this stuff

99
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,924
and watch it in
your room later?

100
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,193
That's so cool.

101
00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:23,163
♪soft music playing from TV♪

102
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,232
[Ralph] All you have
to do is just plug--

103
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:29,102
♪soft music♪

104
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:32,072
And welcome back to
'Painting with Joan.'

105
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:35,542
We're just having a lot of fun
today on our canvases today.

106
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:38,044
Our experiences
and our imagination

107
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:39,146
are working together

108
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:41,648
to create something
really inspiring.

109
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,016
I'm glad you're here.

110
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,052
So why don't we go ahead and
cheer up these mountains?

111
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,554
What do you say?

112
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:50,323
So we're gonna want
to take our palettes

113
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:53,193
and find a lively,
earthy brown.

114
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,930
Mix them all together.

115
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:58,932
I just love mixing.

116
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:00,500
Do you?

117
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:05,172
♪♪♪

118
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,810
Now, we're gonna grab
our two-inch brush.

119
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:14,047
If you don't have one,
one-and-a-half is fine.

120
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,819
-And we're just gonna--
-Cheryl, nine years ago,

121
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:19,753
you stole my heart.

122
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,588
Seven years ago, you
made me single again.

123
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:22,455
You broke my heart.

124
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:23,657
-Oh, well...
-I'm in love again

125
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,292
and I'm in love with this.

126
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,326
What-- what are we talking--

127
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,627
what is-- what can
I do with this pen?

128
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:28,628
[Cheryl] Oh, you can do--

129
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,831
...budget for the
Department of Defense--

130
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,099
Gina, thank you so much for
bringing this beautiful--

131
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:33,700
'Night, honey!

132
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,202
I'll only be a few minutes.

133
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,003
Goodnight, Mom.

134
00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,407
Don't be gone long.

135
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:42,843
I have a bad feeling.

136
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,644
♪suspenseful music♪

137
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:46,680
Time to steal.

138
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:48,448
Shoot!

139
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,383
They got Umbrose
Security Systems!

140
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:52,152
[VO] You think you're safe?

141
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,453
You're not.

142
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,723
♪♪♪

143
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,730
Hey, little girl.

144
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,031
[screams]

145
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,933
♪dramatic music♪

146
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,069
Milton and 5th, code red.

147
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,405
I'm Mr. Nightmare.

148
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:13,907
Freeze!

149
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:14,874
Umbrose Security!

150
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,209
You guys got here fast!

151
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,245
[gunshots]

152
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,853
Thanks, Umbrose Security.

153
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,888
I'll sleep easy tonight.

154
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:29,923
[ding]

155
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,024
[sighs]

156
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:31,992
Got him.

157
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,761
I'm having a lot of fun.

158
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:41,334
Now, we're gonna grab
a little frost white,

159
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,236
give our mountains
a little hat.

160
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,471
Snow!

161
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:51,678
And we're just gonna go in
and give little strokes,

162
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,247
just kiss the canvas.

163
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,448
Not with your mouth.

164
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:56,983
Don't ever kiss the
canvas with your mouth.

165
00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:58,518
These paints are toxic.

166
00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:00,854
Kiss it with your brush.

167
00:07:01,554 --> 00:07:02,622
Beautiful.

168
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:03,690
And there you go.

169
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,225
Beautiful mountain.

170
00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:07,527
Now, let's get back
to the spaceship.

171
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,131
You can see, obviously
by the design,

172
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,533
that it's from
the Zenin galaxy.

173
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:16,369
They're a peaceful and
prosperous civilization

174
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,038
who've had the benefit
of female leadership

175
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,773
for the last 5,000 years.

176
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:23,143
When I see these beauties
go by in the sky

177
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,412
and I say, "Hey, you!"...

178
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,448
they never stop.

179
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,887
Now, let's get back
to the main subject

180
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,156
of our painting:
Dennis Rodman.

181
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:40,627
Remember, every brushstroke
is a sentence in a story,

182
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,996
and in this story,
I'm dunking on Dennis

183
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,699
harder than I've dunked
on anyone in the 23 years

184
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,100
that I've been alive.

185
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:51,037
I'm grabbing onto his
beautiful green hair,

186
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:54,240
his sweaty neck
sliding in-between

187
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,943
my dark, green
courduroys.

188
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,879
We smash the board
with our ecstasy.

189
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,748
There's moisture.

190
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,483
Some of it isn't sweat.

191
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,454
So, we're just gonna
take our brush,

192
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,323
and we're gonna
soften the edges.

193
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,860
Downward strokes.

194
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,196
Just like that.

195
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,499
Very careful,
it's a tricky area.

196
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:23,002
...to kind of balance the--
the muzzle of the gun

197
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,337
while they shot skeet.

198
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,273
[man] ...all can
be yours, 79.95!

199
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:28,875
I know you-- you're thinking
"Hey, that feels like a lot,"

200
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,744
but also, this is the
pen that I'm gonna give

201
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:33,380
to my son, and my son's
gonna give to his son,

202
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,981
and on and on and on.

203
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,283
I don't wanna get
choked up right now,

204
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,418
but I-- I just might.

205
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,286
I just might get
choked up about this.

206
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:40,920
-[laughs]
-We're k--

207
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,021
we don't have children.

208
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:42,455
-We--
-But--

209
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:47,127
[VO] When a kooky geneticist
lost his only son, Zach...

210
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,362
♪jaunty music♪

211
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,166
he broke the laws of
nature to bring him back.

212
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,868
♪♪♪

213
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:55,969
He cloned him!

214
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,606
But someone got carried away.

215
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,775
Now, there's...

216
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,443
10 of the same!

217
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:06,312
♪♪♪

218
00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,883
Three are just a
little different.

219
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:13,319
♪♪♪

220
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:23,062
[applause]

221
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:24,931
New Zach 3...

222
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:26,065
What's up, Pops?

223
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,302
Did you leave...this
shirt on the front lawn?

224
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,737
-[laughter]
-Dad...

225
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,305
New Zach 2 is messing with you.

226
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:35,008
-I'm New Zach 3.
-[laughter]

227
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,477
Did you leave this shirt
on the front lawn?

228
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,411
Dad...

229
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,346
New Zach 7 is messing with you.

230
00:09:40,346 --> 00:09:42,615
I'm actually New Zach 3.

231
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:44,284
-[laughter]
-Duh!

232
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,653
[laughter]

233
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:49,389
[whimpering] Did you leave
this shirt on the front lawn?

234
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,857
That's not one of mine.

235
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,093
I think it's one of New Zach's.

236
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,328
[all] Which one?

237
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:59,032
[laughter]

238
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:02,235
And I thought being a
scientist was hard.

239
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,238
I should've cloned
a bigger house.

240
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,540
Dad, can I have some
money to go shopping

241
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,008
at the mall?

242
00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:11,511
[scoffs] And a bigger wallet.

243
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,847
[laughter]

244
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,282
[laughter and applause]

245
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,352
...as the Peace Dividend,
a surplus of Treasury--

246
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,821
And because King
Corperation is the only

247
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:23,523
potato manufacturer
in the realm--

248
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:26,759
-...funding--
-..some red dying in there.

249
00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:30,697
That staining, um,
actually is blood.

250
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:34,400
This was a receptacle
for hearts.

251
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,504
They would put the
heart inside of here

252
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,306
when they would try
to revive a person

253
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,509
by, uh, giving them
a heart transplant.

254
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,943
Of course, this never worked.

255
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,812
It was always a
last-ditch effort.

256
00:10:45,912 --> 00:10:49,115
They originally
used coffee tins

257
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:52,452
and the hearts were,
you know, dying and--

258
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,455
and everyone would die
during these procedures.

259
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,223
And so they thought,
"Maybe let's go

260
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,591
a little more ornate.

261
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,761
Maybe if it was a ornate bowl,

262
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,696
the heart would, you
know, have a little more

263
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:05,365
energy to it."

264
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,866
We know that not
to be the case,

265
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:08,668
and they soon found out too,

266
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:12,872
because everyone died, um,
on the operating table.

267
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,841
They did have one
more version of--

268
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,109
-It's really fantastic.
-It really is.

269
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:16,943
It could do anything.

270
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:17,944
It's unbelie--
well, it can do--

271
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,512
it can do literally anything
that a pen can do.

272
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:20,313
-Yes, yes, it can.
-That's fantastic.

273
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,014
-That's true.
-And the weight, again,

274
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:21,814
-is magnificent.
-Yeah.

275
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:23,016
And on the other side,
it commemorates

276
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,684
some of the great,
great figures

277
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,052
of the Confederacy,
but, uh,

278
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:27,787
you don't have to use that
side if you don't want to.

279
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,622
-No--
-This one probably had

280
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:33,359
100 to 200, uh,
Victorian-era, uh,

281
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,762
hearts of dead people in it.

282
00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:38,331
So back in those days,
they was trying heart plants--

283
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,366
-transplants?
-They-- they did.

284
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:44,137
Uh, um, they were very
naive about medical,

285
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,471
um...

286
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:46,839
I'm actually...

287
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:50,810
Oh, do you kn-- do--

288
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,412
I think this is a bowl.

289
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,481
Yeah, I- I do--
I think it is a bowl.

290
00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:57,016
Um, sorry.

291
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,552
♪cheerful music♪

292
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,487
-...buy and sell--
-Start your life--

293
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:02,822
♪classical music♪

294
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,524
♪hard rock music♪

295
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,858
♪Ass fuck!♪

296
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:07,961
♪Ass fuck!♪

297
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,563
♪Ass fuck!♪

298
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:12,832
♪Ass fuck!♪

299
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,234
♪Ass fuck!♪

300
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:17,604
♪Ass fuck!♪

301
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:19,973
♪Ass fuck!♪

302
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,842
♪Ass fuck!♪

303
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,078
♪Ass fuck!♪

304
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:27,380
♪Ass fuck!♪

305
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:29,816
♪Ass fuck!♪

306
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,555
♪Ass fuck!♪

307
00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:39,525
♪Ass fuck!♪

308
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,463
♪Fuck you!♪

309
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,332
♪Fuck her!♪

310
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,735
♪Fuck the government!♪

311
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:54,707
♪harsh feedback♪

312
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,681
[applause]

313
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:02,915
Fuck yes!

314
00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:04,083
Language

315
00:13:05,184 --> 00:13:06,853
-[applause]
-[woman] Wow.

316
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,024
-Whoa!
-Wow, that was interesting.

317
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,193
All these-- all these
instruments here,

318
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,396
they're all being played
at the same time?

319
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:17,897
Dad, please,
don't embarrass me.

320
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:18,965
I don't-- I don't know--

321
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,167
I don't know how you
remember all those lyrics.

322
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,835
-I was actually gonna say that.
-It's amazing!

323
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:25,571
Um, uh, uh, uh, Jim,

324
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:28,641
we already met you
from the Phlegmbats, uh,

325
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,643
but we have yet to
meet the other two.

326
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,079
Uh, maybe you guys
would like to perhaps, uh,

327
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:34,580
introduce yourselves.

328
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,616
Peter V.

329
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,850
And-- and you are?

330
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,352
Paco.

331
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:42,188
Cool, uh, you
heard it here first!

332
00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:45,058
Their song,
"Ass Fuck 666,"

333
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:48,628
off their new sophomore
album on cassette,

334
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:52,098
The Phlegmbats' self-titled,
uh, Phle-- The Phlegmbats.

335
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,800
You could get that
just about anywhere

336
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,569
that they sell, uh,
cassette tapes, so, yeah.

337
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,104
[woman] H- How do
you, uh, boys--

338
00:13:58,104 --> 00:13:59,739
h- how-- I'm sorry.
[laughs]

339
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,175
How do you boys come
up with your lyrics?

340
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:05,011
Her forthcoming
novel, VHS Comatose,

341
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,413
explores the
compulsive pathology

342
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,748
of an entire
generation

343
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,950
of home video
camera owners.

344
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,086
Rita Sternwick,
thank you for joining us.

345
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,554
It's my pleasure, Todd.

346
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,290
And you make the case that
excessive filming and recording

347
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,927
may lead to isolation,
lack of sexual desire,

348
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:23,096
headaches and,
in rare instances,

349
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:26,833
-a complete psychotic break.
-Mm-hm.

350
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,802
[laughs] Now, I understand
that hyperbolic statements

351
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:32,405
sell books, but don't
you think this fear

352
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,041
-is a tad bit overblown?
-I don't.

353
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,577
I've been studying
VHS culture for years.

354
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,779
It's become my life's work.

355
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,347
I've found

356
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:44,851
that most VHS owners are
exhibiting a condition

357
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,086
that psychiatric
professionals are calling

358
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:49,622
-"tape narcissism."
-"Tape narcissism?"

359
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:52,558
Yes, it's a pattern of
collecting and recording

360
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,361
your experiences on VHS

361
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:59,098
that eventually alters the
foundation of your reality.

362
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:01,768
So you're telling me
by bringing a camera

363
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,737
to my son's baseball
game, it will, um...

364
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,906
-alter my reality?
-Yes.

365
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,809
At first, your
perceived reality,

366
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:11,778
then reality itself.

367
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:15,448
[laughs]

368
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:21,320
I believe the
home VHS camcorder

369
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,490
is the beginning of
something very frightening.

370
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,160
One day, we all could
have mini VHS cameras

371
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,494
in our pockets.

372
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,731
Or built into the very
fabric of our t-shirts.

373
00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:35,434
One day, the real world
will exist to be filmed.

374
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:40,006
People will die filming
themselves falling off cliffs.

375
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:44,143
The birthrate will
seemingly increase

376
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,412
and then collapse completely.

377
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:50,016
Nations will elect celebrities
into political office.

378
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:52,952
-[scoffs]
-The whole world will go hungry

379
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,787
as farmers ignore their crops

380
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,756
while they're filming
their cows.

381
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,391
I believe

382
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,928
this is the beginning
of the fall of mankind.

383
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:05,832
Mankind?

384
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,734
♪dramatic music♪

385
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:09,669
[VO] Up next--

386
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:13,940
[Ralph breathing
heavily and whimpering]

387
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:21,380
[door shuts]

388
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,753
[man shouting in another
room] Every time we go out,

389
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:29,188
you have a problem!

390
00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:31,123
[woman in another room] This
is [inaudible] happen to me.

391
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:32,225
[man] Do you know what you are?

392
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,226
You are a--

393
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:34,994
[inaudible] with me!

394
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:39,732
-You are an absolute--!
-♪cheerful wedding music♪

395
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,173
-Say cheese!
-Cheese!

396
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:50,509
-[laughs]
-One more time, big smile!

397
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,377
Here we go!

398
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:53,679
♪♪♪

399
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,122
Hey, I'm Ralph and
I'm about to make

400
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:05,858
the best video mixtape ever!

401
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,628
♪"Ass Fuck 666" by
The Phlegmbats♪

402
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,466
♪Drink beer, drink my piss♪
♪Fuck you♪

403
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,700
♪Ass fuck♪

404
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,936
-♪Ass fuck♪
-[singing] Ass fuck!

405
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:19,505
♪Ass fuck♪

406
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:21,307
-♪Ass fuck♪
-Ralphie!

407
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,175
Turn...down...the mu-- !

408
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,795
[birds chirping]

409
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:52,905
[Ralph] The death
of a watermelon.

410
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,109
Whoo!

411
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,222
[laughs]

412
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,808
This is the greatest fight
in the history of fights.

413
00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:32,011
Roar, I'm a brontosaurus!

414
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:34,180
I've been extinct for...

415
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:36,949
many years, and
you cannot kill me!

416
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,384
You forgot about me.

417
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:42,021
I'm your cousin, brontonaurus!

418
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,089
Whoa!

419
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:43,889
What?

420
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:46,158
Bahh!

421
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:48,761
No more!

422
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,030
[chanting] No more dinosaurs!

423
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:53,132
No more dinosaurs!

424
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,400
You forgot about me,

425
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,435
-the ju--
-[knocking] Ralph.

426
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,304
-Yeah?
-What's goin' on, buddy?

427
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,939
I'm just playing with my toys.

428
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:02,575
All right, well, your mom
and I are gonna head out.

429
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,576
[Ralph] Okay.

430
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:04,710
[man] There's some
pizza in the fridge.

431
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,013
If you get hungry, you can warm
it up in the new microwave.

432
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,881
-Okay.
-All right, bedtime's 11.

433
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:09,682
I know.

434
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,984
[woman] No
late-night TV, Ralph.

435
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,852
Okay.

436
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,259
Josh in the house!

437
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:21,360
Oh, wait.

438
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,461
Now I'm in the house.

439
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,698
[man on TV] ...San Fernando
Valley in the year 1982.

440
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,968
'Hot Winter' was one of the
first films in American cinema

441
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,904
to address one of today's
most important issues:

442
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,706
global warming.

443
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,675
Some of the scenes in
tonight's film are intense

444
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:38,644
and suggestive in nature.

445
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,479
These scenes have been
shortened or edited

446
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:41,847
from the film.

447
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:45,785
We are proud to present
to you the 1982 classic,

448
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,221
one of my favorite
films, 'Hot Winter,'

449
00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,691
a film by Dick Pierre.

450
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,326
♪piano music♪

451
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:58,330
♪funky music♪

452
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,667
[woman] I can't believe
you're the world's

453
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,936
leading climate scientist

454
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:06,472
and a successful bodybuilder.

455
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,707
Dr. Manly,

456
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:11,510
is there anything
you can't do?

457
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,286
I think I just cured the
common cold in an equation.

458
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,554
Who's done that?

459
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,122
All of this,

460
00:20:23,122 --> 00:20:25,691
and without breaking a sweat?

461
00:20:25,691 --> 00:20:28,360
And it's so hot today.

462
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,730
I'm sweating.

463
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,064
It is...

464
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,566
very hot.

465
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,334
And it's winter.

466
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:36,902
It's winter...

467
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,871
and it's hot.

468
00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:40,372
It's a...

469
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,608
hot winter.

470
00:20:43,509 --> 00:20:45,244
A hot winter?

471
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,446
That's so strange.

472
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:50,049
Aren't winters
supposed to be cold?

473
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:51,851
Maybe I should...

474
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,220
take this off.

475
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:58,057
♪porny music♪

476
00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:00,793
♪piano music♪

477
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,896
I also read an
article just yesterday

478
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,732
by award-winning novelist
Dr. Manly and it said

479
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,701
that this warmer winter
will eventually lead

480
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:11,170
to the melting of the Arctic
ice caps and then,

481
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,005
we're in trouble,
big trouble,

482
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:14,140
and he's calling it...

483
00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:16,375
-"global warming."
-[gasps]

484
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:19,245
Ms. Frost, this sounds serious.

485
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:21,180
[woman] What about the
polar bears who live there?

486
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,482
If the ice caps
melt, will they die?

487
00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:25,751
We don't need polar bears!

488
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,954
We certainly don't need
Dr. Manly's opinions.

489
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:33,559
At Oil Corp, we have our own
scientists who will say and do

490
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:36,028
whatever we want.

491
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:37,463
Scientists!

492
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:39,932
[clears throat]

493
00:21:40,199 --> 00:21:41,133
Hello.

494
00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:43,836
Do you have a
question about...

495
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:45,504
science?

496
00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:47,406
You are cute.

497
00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:49,775
I've never met a
scientist before.

498
00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:52,845
My friends are
scientists as well.

499
00:21:52,845 --> 00:21:54,313
♪porny music♪

500
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:58,951
I'm a scientist.

501
00:21:58,951 --> 00:22:02,288
[breathing heavily]
I'm a scientist.

502
00:22:02,688 --> 00:22:06,492
Scientists, show the
intern your data.

503
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,862
Because of an increased
global temperature,

504
00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:11,597
water supplies will
become scarce

505
00:22:11,597 --> 00:22:13,566
and endanger
human beings.

506
00:22:13,566 --> 00:22:15,601
Wow, sounds scary!

507
00:22:15,601 --> 00:22:17,269
We also probably need
to save water in case

508
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:19,271
we need to fight forest fires!

509
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:20,206
[knocking]

510
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:22,141
Who's that
knocking at the door?

511
00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:23,909
Oh, that's Rico.

512
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,578
-He's hot.
-[laughs]

513
00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:26,812
Let's have a threesome!

514
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,483
-Hey, Rico.
-Hey, girls.

515
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:33,319
Wood delivery for ya.

516
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:35,654
-Thanks, Rico.
-Thanks.

517
00:22:35,654 --> 00:22:36,689
Yeah.

518
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:37,856
H- Hey ladies,

519
00:22:37,856 --> 00:22:39,491
what are you doing
here right now,

520
00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:41,427
it being such a hot winter?

521
00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:44,864
There's more chances of a
forest fire in a hot winter

522
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,433
than if it was a cold winter.

523
00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:50,336
How's football season, Rico?

524
00:22:50,836 --> 00:22:52,938
Football season's well.

525
00:22:52,938 --> 00:22:55,808
I scored seven
touchdowns yesterday.

526
00:22:55,808 --> 00:22:58,010
-Wow, that's a lot.
-Yeah.

527
00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:00,512
And I also hurt
my elbow, though.

528
00:23:00,512 --> 00:23:02,214
-Oh no!
-That looks bad!

529
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:03,215
[Rico] I know.

530
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:06,051
The doctor said
they might have to...

531
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,320
-amputate my elbow.
-[gasps]

532
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:11,790
[Rico] Aw, thanks, girls.

533
00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:14,827
Feels much better now.

534
00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:16,729
That's...

535
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:17,997
hot.

536
00:23:18,497 --> 00:23:21,433
-I like that.
-Where else does it hurt, Rico?

537
00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:23,936
We'll be right back.

538
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:26,238
♪piano music♪

539
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:29,775
I'm having a really good time.

540
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:31,343
This is so much fun.

541
00:23:31,443 --> 00:23:34,446
Despite the protests, the museum
went ahead with the opening

542
00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:36,615
of photographer
Robert Mapplethorpe's

543
00:23:36,615 --> 00:23:38,317
"The Perfect Moment."

544
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:39,718
-Yah!
-Don't shoot.

545
00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:43,555
Did you know that 42
people have more wealth

546
00:23:43,555 --> 00:23:47,226
than the poorest 3.7
billion combined?

547
00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:48,627
-What?
-Yeah!

548
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,963
Get ready to
blast-off...those pounds.

549
00:23:50,963 --> 00:23:51,697
Whoo!

550
00:23:51,697 --> 00:23:52,665
Ha-ha!

551
00:23:52,665 --> 00:23:54,366
Yeah!

552
00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:55,601
Burn!

553
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:56,969
Yeah! Ha-ha!

554
00:23:56,969 --> 00:23:59,805
-Let's get loose.
-Let's go, guys!

555
00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:01,006
Go over to those thermostats

556
00:24:01,006 --> 00:24:03,442
and crank those babies way up.

557
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,245
The room we're filming in
right now is 92 degrees!

558
00:24:06,245 --> 00:24:07,746
Remember, the hotter the room,

559
00:24:07,746 --> 00:24:09,782
the bigger the blast-off.

560
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:12,017
Those pounds will
fall right off.

561
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:13,919
♪energetic music♪

562
00:24:13,919 --> 00:24:16,989
[VO] Introducing
the Soundwall 2000.

563
00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:21,360
Simply bring the Soundwall 2000
into the bathroom with you.

564
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,096
-♪jazzy music♪
-[urinating sounds]

565
00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:25,998
[birds chirping]

566
00:24:25,998 --> 00:24:28,467
[VO] No more stressful
trips to the bathroom,

567
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:31,570
no more wondering if she
heard you pee on the floor.

568
00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:35,708
And let the romance begin.

569
00:24:35,708 --> 00:24:37,810
♪♪♪

570
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,578
Wow, what a kiss.

571
00:24:39,578 --> 00:24:42,815
-Thanks--
-♪dramatic music♪

572
00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:45,050
You know the guy we found
murdered on 3rd Avenue?

573
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:46,952
This is the last
will and testament

574
00:24:46,952 --> 00:24:48,787
of Sir Roger Handley V.

575
00:24:48,787 --> 00:24:51,190
[man] He left his last
will and testament.

576
00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:53,826
He also outlined how he
would get his revenge.

577
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:56,462
A series of events
that, with your help,

578
00:24:56,462 --> 00:24:58,630
will avenge my terrible death

579
00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:01,934
and bring this
cretinous fool to justice.

580
00:25:04,603 --> 00:25:06,438
-[laughs]
-We're getting close.

581
00:25:06,438 --> 00:25:08,207
-I can feel it.
-However,

582
00:25:08,207 --> 00:25:11,610
if I was not murdered by Lady
Margaret and Count Giovanni

583
00:25:11,610 --> 00:25:13,779
and you know this as fact,

584
00:25:13,779 --> 00:25:17,149
please fast-forward past my
elaborate plan for revenge

585
00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:19,084
to the section
where I am holding up

586
00:25:19,084 --> 00:25:22,121
this red piece of paper.

587
00:25:22,121 --> 00:25:26,158
Please, understand--
[fast-forwarded speech]

588
00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:36,935
♪dramatic music♪

589
00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:38,170
We're getting close.

590
00:25:38,170 --> 00:25:39,938
I can taste it!

591
00:25:39,938 --> 00:25:43,876
[fast-forwarded speech]

592
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:46,879
This Handley was
quite the character.

593
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:50,649
[fast-forwarded
maniacal laughing]

594
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,051
We're getting close.

595
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:55,387
We're getting really close.

596
00:25:57,156 --> 00:25:57,823
It's a chair.

597
00:25:57,823 --> 00:26:00,225
I mean, I- I don't know
quite what you want me to say.

598
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:01,360
It's not even that old.

599
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:02,995
And these are magnificent.

600
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:04,730
Take a look at these
baggies right here.

601
00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:07,366
-I'm lookin' at 'em.
-Now, that is a 100% polythene.

602
00:26:07,366 --> 00:26:09,768
-Wow.
-It's made in Taiwan.

603
00:26:09,768 --> 00:26:11,236
-No!
-Wow, the Republic of Taiwan.

604
00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:14,373
-Yes.
-And, it features this open

605
00:26:14,373 --> 00:26:16,608
-and reseal tech--
-Oh, wow!

606
00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:17,743
[Tony] That you've been
hearing so much about.

607
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:18,343
Look at that.

608
00:26:18,343 --> 00:26:19,278
-Tell me, Tony.
-Mm-hm?

609
00:26:19,278 --> 00:26:20,813
[Cheryl] What kinds
of things can you put

610
00:26:20,813 --> 00:26:22,047
in these little baggies anyway?

611
00:26:22,047 --> 00:26:22,981
[Tony] Oh my gosh,
absolutely anything.

612
00:26:22,981 --> 00:26:24,616
For example, I'm talking
about, uh, tiny little screws.

613
00:26:24,616 --> 00:26:25,717
Earrings.

614
00:26:25,717 --> 00:26:26,618
-Yes.
-You know what is one thing

615
00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:27,853
that I like to put
in them, Cheryl?

616
00:26:27,853 --> 00:26:28,387
Tell me.

617
00:26:29,154 --> 00:26:29,988
-Sugar.
-Oh.

618
00:26:29,988 --> 00:26:31,223
I like to put sugar in 'em.

619
00:26:31,223 --> 00:26:33,025
I ge-- I get my
morning cup o' Joe--

620
00:26:33,025 --> 00:26:35,294
-Yes, he does.
-And I want just the exact

621
00:26:35,294 --> 00:26:36,295
amount of sugar--

622
00:26:36,295 --> 00:26:38,397
...privatize
prisons in America.

623
00:26:38,397 --> 00:26:40,666
Some believe that
by owning a prison,

624
00:26:40,666 --> 00:26:42,568
a company might
have more incentive

625
00:26:42,568 --> 00:26:44,436
to give money
to politicians

626
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,905
who favor stricter
laws to increase--

627
00:26:46,905 --> 00:26:47,673
Whoo!

628
00:26:48,507 --> 00:26:49,475
Hey!

629
00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:50,876
-All right!
-Hah!

630
00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:52,845
Kickin' it!

631
00:26:53,312 --> 00:26:54,146
Feelin' it!

632
00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:57,082
Whoo! Whoo!

633
00:26:58,150 --> 00:26:59,451
Activate that whole body!

634
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,088
♪energetic music♪

635
00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:06,625
Again!

636
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,594
Right, left, right, hah!

637
00:27:09,261 --> 00:27:10,329
Blastin' off!

638
00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:11,663
Whoo!

639
00:27:12,331 --> 00:27:13,198
Whoo!

640
00:27:13,565 --> 00:27:15,467
-You got it!
-Ha-ha, you got it!

641
00:27:17,402 --> 00:27:18,237
Kick!

642
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:20,105
That's it!

643
00:27:20,105 --> 00:27:22,407
♪♪♪

644
00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:25,077
[gags and heaves]

645
00:27:25,077 --> 00:27:28,280
[beep tone]

646
00:27:28,547 --> 00:27:29,648
[Tony] ...a family
of zebras over here.

647
00:27:29,648 --> 00:27:30,849
-Oh that's--
-[neighs]

648
00:27:30,849 --> 00:27:32,017
-That's amazing.
-[laughs] Do they neigh?

649
00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:34,653
[Tony] And then, um, [alien
voice] take me to your leaders.

650
00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:35,954
-Oh. [laughs]
-And then, uh, I've got

651
00:27:35,954 --> 00:27:37,189
kids on the-- kids
on the playground,

652
00:27:37,189 --> 00:27:38,123
-having a time.
-Yes.

653
00:27:38,123 --> 00:27:40,125
The coating system
alone, who figured this out?

654
00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:41,393
I-- I couldn't-- I couldn't
have thought of this.

655
00:27:41,393 --> 00:27:42,494
-I c-- you do--
-You've known me

656
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:43,228
-for a long time.
-You've never thought

657
00:27:43,228 --> 00:27:44,830
-of anything.
-[laughs]

658
00:27:45,063 --> 00:27:48,300
♪dark soft music♪

659
00:27:50,369 --> 00:27:52,204
I was the MC that night.

660
00:27:52,204 --> 00:27:55,741
-Hello, everyone!
-I introduced the girls and...

661
00:27:56,475 --> 00:27:57,910
told some jokes.

662
00:27:57,910 --> 00:27:59,878
♪♪♪

663
00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:02,447
Sisters were supposed to
show of their talents, so...

664
00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:04,816
First up...we have...

665
00:28:04,816 --> 00:28:06,018
[sing-song voice] Laura!

666
00:28:06,018 --> 00:28:07,619
Now, get on up here!

667
00:28:07,619 --> 00:28:09,454
-[giggles]
-[applause]

668
00:28:09,454 --> 00:28:14,192
♪♪♪

669
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:18,196
My talent was
to play the piano,

670
00:28:18,897 --> 00:28:20,699
so I played the piano.

671
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:24,403
♪♪♪

672
00:28:28,173 --> 00:28:30,275
It was all just really
supposed to be fun.

673
00:28:32,144 --> 00:28:33,579
[VO] It was all
supposed to be fun

674
00:28:33,579 --> 00:28:35,981
at the Beta Z semi-formal.

675
00:28:35,981 --> 00:28:39,184
Girls were drinking,
getting to know each other,

676
00:28:39,184 --> 00:28:42,688
until Rachel Drexler, a
sophomore from Tennessee,

677
00:28:42,688 --> 00:28:45,557
got up to do her talent.

678
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:47,726
[Laura] I didn't
really know Rachel.

679
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:50,095
At first, she seemed
like a really nice girl.

680
00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:53,966
But the more you talked to her,

681
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:58,570
the more you felt like
"Whoa, something's weird here."

682
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:02,040
[evil laughter]

683
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,511
♪jazzy music♪

684
00:29:07,713 --> 00:29:08,680
Ow!

685
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,283
[VO] Are pesky back
pains ruining your life?

686
00:29:12,684 --> 00:29:15,621
Guess I can't organize my
husband's birthday party.

687
00:29:15,621 --> 00:29:16,955
Shoot!

688
00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:18,457
[VO] Are you
missing important calls

689
00:29:18,457 --> 00:29:19,758
because of your elbow pain?

690
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,159
Ow!

691
00:29:21,159 --> 00:29:22,561
Oh no,

692
00:29:22,561 --> 00:29:24,463
that was the President!

693
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:25,664
-Hey, Ricky.
-Hey!

694
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:27,499
Ah!

695
00:29:27,866 --> 00:29:29,935
[VO] Are sudden
knee pains making you

696
00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:31,203
clinically depressed?

697
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:32,804
Ow!

698
00:29:33,405 --> 00:29:35,140
Uh oh, that's no fun.

699
00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:37,676
Why don't you try Flexi Cream?

700
00:29:37,676 --> 00:29:39,645
[VO] [echoing] Flexi Cream!

701
00:29:39,645 --> 00:29:41,113
Thanks, Tracy Beth.

702
00:29:41,847 --> 00:29:45,083
[VO] For only 14.99,
obtain freakish flexibility

703
00:29:45,083 --> 00:29:46,952
you've only dreamed of.

704
00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:48,920
Just apply a quick
layer of Flexi Cream

705
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,690
in a circular motion on
your elbows or hurt area.

706
00:29:51,690 --> 00:29:53,325
And...voila!

707
00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:57,496
Flexibility you have
to see to believe.

708
00:29:57,496 --> 00:29:58,630
[phone rings]

709
00:29:59,064 --> 00:29:59,998
Hello?

710
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:02,401
Thanks, Flexi Cream.

711
00:30:03,001 --> 00:30:05,504
Mr. President, about those wars.

712
00:30:05,504 --> 00:30:09,074
♪♪♪

713
00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:11,843
I recommend the following.

714
00:30:11,843 --> 00:30:13,779
You might wanna come
closer to your TV,

715
00:30:13,779 --> 00:30:14,980
turn down the volume,

716
00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:17,549
pull out your Hank
Frankston scratch pad,

717
00:30:17,549 --> 00:30:19,251
and write these bad boys down.

718
00:30:19,251 --> 00:30:21,520
[drum roll]

719
00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:22,554
Betamax--

720
00:30:22,554 --> 00:30:26,124
...is really just for
super serious bakers.

721
00:30:26,124 --> 00:30:29,561
Let me tell you now about the
deluxe packaging solution.

722
00:30:29,561 --> 00:30:30,929
-Yes.
-Okay, Cheryl, so

723
00:30:30,929 --> 00:30:34,900
this is really for your
serious bakers only.

724
00:30:34,900 --> 00:30:35,500
Now, take a look.

725
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,436
Have you ever seen
packaging like this?

726
00:30:37,436 --> 00:30:38,303
[Cheryl] No, I have not.

727
00:30:38,303 --> 00:30:40,138
[Tony] And it's absolutely--
the flour is wrapped in there

728
00:30:40,138 --> 00:30:43,141
nice and tight, it is 100
percent, uh, protected

729
00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:44,976
from the elements, and
see this right here?

730
00:30:44,976 --> 00:30:46,044
-Uh-huh.
-You've got four pieces.

731
00:30:46,044 --> 00:30:47,746
That's-- that's...

732
00:30:47,746 --> 00:30:49,014
genuine parcel tape.

733
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:51,483
And correct me if I'm wrong,
but can this packaging solution

734
00:30:51,483 --> 00:30:53,251
survive up to 100
feet of water?

735
00:30:53,251 --> 00:30:54,119
Is that correct, Tony?

736
00:30:54,119 --> 00:30:55,120
-Tell me the truth.
-Cheryl, and I'm just--

737
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:57,155
this is just the science,
I'm quoting the scientists.

738
00:30:57,155 --> 00:31:01,059
It is Pacific Ocean
tested and approved.

739
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:05,864
[VO] And in just one
application, you'll be restored

740
00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,200
to the full head of hair
you enjoyed as a youth.

741
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,202
Hairs will sprout from
your scalp like mushrooms

742
00:31:10,202 --> 00:31:11,236
after a storm.

743
00:31:11,236 --> 00:31:12,738
Fronzly Hair Growth.

744
00:31:12,738 --> 00:31:13,905
You'll get it back.

745
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,173
[rapidly] Side effects may
include nausea, growth spurts,

746
00:31:15,173 --> 00:31:16,742
poor decision-making,
death, murder, loss of vision,

747
00:31:16,742 --> 00:31:17,843
and illiteracy.

748
00:31:19,277 --> 00:31:22,748
[evil laughter]

749
00:31:24,116 --> 00:31:25,851
And then, at the talent show...

750
00:31:28,086 --> 00:31:30,989
she did something
that, to this day...

751
00:31:32,357 --> 00:31:34,159
I don't fully understand.

752
00:31:34,526 --> 00:31:37,896
And last, but
certainly not least...

753
00:31:38,463 --> 00:31:39,698
Rachel!

754
00:31:39,698 --> 00:31:42,100
[applause]

755
00:31:42,100 --> 00:31:44,636
And then she
comes onstage...

756
00:31:45,036 --> 00:31:47,506
with some weird...

757
00:31:47,773 --> 00:31:49,741
freakin' top
hat on, right?

758
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,276
Ho! [laughs]

759
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,545
And then she took
out this stick

760
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:55,046
with a white tip.

761
00:31:55,714 --> 00:31:57,749
Started wavin' it around.

762
00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:01,386
And then this next part,
it is so vivid to me,

763
00:32:02,053 --> 00:32:04,189
I remember it like
it was yesterday.

764
00:32:04,189 --> 00:32:05,524
And a little...

765
00:32:07,826 --> 00:32:09,227
Hey!

766
00:32:09,227 --> 00:32:10,061
[laughs]

767
00:32:10,061 --> 00:32:12,197
[Paulina] It gives me the
chills just thinkin' about it.

768
00:32:13,198 --> 00:32:15,600
People don't do that,
people don't have cards...

769
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,002
in their hat.

770
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:19,738
For my first trick, I'm
going to need a volunteer.

771
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:21,606
Anyone?

772
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,142
[Paulina] Then she said,
"I need a volunteer."

773
00:32:26,211 --> 00:32:27,612
"I need a volunteer."

774
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,781
[slo-mo voice] A volunteer.

775
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:32,984
When you're in your
20s, you feel invincible.

776
00:32:34,219 --> 00:32:36,188
-I'll do it.
-Paulina!

777
00:32:36,488 --> 00:32:37,622
Yeah!

778
00:32:38,156 --> 00:32:39,958
Let's give her a hand.

779
00:32:41,693 --> 00:32:44,796
Okay, all I'm gonna
need you to do is...

780
00:32:46,198 --> 00:32:47,399
pick a card.

781
00:32:48,834 --> 00:32:50,602
And she says "Pick a card."

782
00:32:51,503 --> 00:32:53,872
-Any card?
-Any card.

783
00:32:54,606 --> 00:32:55,774
[laughing] And I was like...

784
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,944
"Okay, where's this going?"

785
00:32:59,277 --> 00:33:00,846
Now, show the room.

786
00:33:00,846 --> 00:33:04,416
♪suspenseful music♪

787
00:33:04,416 --> 00:33:05,750
Now, I'm not looking.

788
00:33:06,117 --> 00:33:08,820
And when she told Paulina
to do all that stuff...

789
00:33:09,855 --> 00:33:11,156
she turned away.

790
00:33:12,891 --> 00:33:14,259
She didn't look at the cards.

791
00:33:15,060 --> 00:33:18,430
She didn't know what
card Paulina had picked.

792
00:33:18,430 --> 00:33:21,132
Great, now put it
back in the deck.

793
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:23,735
♪♪♪

794
00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:25,804
And with a
little bit...

795
00:33:25,804 --> 00:33:27,806
of shuffling...

796
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:30,542
We're like "Where's the talent?

797
00:33:30,542 --> 00:33:32,677
A lot of people can shuffle."

798
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:33,979
And...

799
00:33:35,513 --> 00:33:37,682
-was this your card?
-[gasps]

800
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,318
It's the exact card...

801
00:33:40,318 --> 00:33:43,455
that I had picked out and
showed to the audience before.

802
00:33:43,955 --> 00:33:46,091
How did you know
what card I picked?

803
00:33:46,091 --> 00:33:47,792
How could she have known?

804
00:33:48,260 --> 00:33:49,628
Have you ever seen a...

805
00:33:50,262 --> 00:33:54,199
[slo-mo voice]
magic trick before?

806
00:33:57,168 --> 00:33:58,436
That's when I knew.

807
00:33:59,404 --> 00:34:02,574
When she said
that word, "magic."

808
00:34:03,141 --> 00:34:04,809
Are you a witch?

809
00:34:04,809 --> 00:34:05,844
[gasps]

810
00:34:05,844 --> 00:34:07,279
-What?
-She's a witch!

811
00:34:07,279 --> 00:34:09,080
They were like, "She's a witch!

812
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,216
She's got the Devil
workin' for her!

813
00:34:11,216 --> 00:34:12,284
We should kill her!"

814
00:34:12,284 --> 00:34:14,019
[screaming]

815
00:34:14,019 --> 00:34:15,553
So I stood up.

816
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:16,855
We can't kill her!

817
00:34:16,855 --> 00:34:19,090
You know, e- even if
someone is a witch,

818
00:34:19,090 --> 00:34:20,492
you just can't kill 'em.

819
00:34:20,825 --> 00:34:21,126
You know?

820
00:34:21,126 --> 00:34:23,228
I mean, there's--
there's freakin' laws!

821
00:34:24,195 --> 00:34:27,365
I said, "Somebody
fill up the bathtub..."

822
00:34:27,365 --> 00:34:30,068
...and if she sinks,
she's not a witch

823
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:32,237
but if she floats...

824
00:34:33,371 --> 00:34:34,606
"...she's a witch."

825
00:34:36,374 --> 00:34:39,077
I've been thinkin'
about this for years

826
00:34:39,544 --> 00:34:41,513
and there's no way she
could've seen that card

827
00:34:41,513 --> 00:34:42,714
that Paulina picked.

828
00:34:42,948 --> 00:34:44,349
You just don't shuffle the top.

829
00:34:44,349 --> 00:34:48,320
It's a-- it's a
[slo-mo voice] magic trick.

830
00:34:50,288 --> 00:34:51,923
And that's when I knew.

831
00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:53,925
That...

832
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:57,829
is exactly what
a witch would say.

833
00:34:57,829 --> 00:34:59,831
♪eerie music♪

834
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,801
So we set her on fire

835
00:35:02,801 --> 00:35:05,470
and the sorority house
burned down with it.

836
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:10,275
♪dark strings♪

837
00:35:13,645 --> 00:35:14,713
-...genuinely bipolar.
-Okay.

838
00:35:14,713 --> 00:35:16,815
Well, I wasn't that
before I met you.

839
00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:18,717
-Okay. [laughs]
-[laughs] I'm just saying.

840
00:35:18,717 --> 00:35:19,784
That's called "projection."

841
00:35:19,784 --> 00:35:21,820
When you project your
problems onto other people,

842
00:35:21,820 --> 00:35:22,721
-it's called "projection."
-Well, I don't know.

843
00:35:22,721 --> 00:35:25,023
I'm not a drunk.
[laughs]

844
00:35:25,256 --> 00:35:27,559
Yeah, at least I can...

845
00:35:27,726 --> 00:35:29,327
come without
thinking about my mom.

846
00:35:31,363 --> 00:35:32,330
-How much are we charging--
-Go fuck yourse--

847
00:35:32,764 --> 00:35:33,798
What is that?

848
00:35:34,032 --> 00:35:35,567
Well, this feller...

849
00:35:35,567 --> 00:35:38,870
got in front of my truck this
morning and [laughs] well...

850
00:35:38,870 --> 00:35:40,705
well, when Jesus
gives you a lemon,

851
00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:43,208
you gotta skin it
and make lemonade.

852
00:35:43,775 --> 00:35:44,776
But first...

853
00:35:45,677 --> 00:35:48,013
you gotta take out
the intestines.

854
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:52,317
Kindly the Cowboy, I
think he's still alive.

855
00:35:59,124 --> 00:36:01,626
♪dance music♪

856
00:36:01,626 --> 00:36:06,097
[clock ticking]

857
00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:09,801
[rain pattering]

858
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:16,741
[pot whistling]

859
00:36:16,741 --> 00:36:20,278
[birds chirping]

860
00:36:28,319 --> 00:36:29,454
[Ralph] Gshhhp.

861
00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,161
-Hey, Mom.
-Mm-hm?

862
00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:39,864
[Ralph] [laughs] So, um,

863
00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:41,933
-I was watching this show--
-Mm-hm.

864
00:36:41,933 --> 00:36:43,468
[Ralph] And it said that...

865
00:36:43,468 --> 00:36:46,137
that there's a haunted
sorority house in our town.

866
00:36:46,137 --> 00:36:47,639
Is-- is that true?

867
00:36:47,639 --> 00:36:48,540
Mm-hm.

868
00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:49,908
Yeah, um...

869
00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:51,476
there was a fire there

870
00:36:51,476 --> 00:36:53,578
-and a girl died.
-Geez.

871
00:36:53,578 --> 00:36:55,513
Yeah, it was really terrible.

872
00:36:55,513 --> 00:36:58,149
But don't go there, [distorting]
because they say it's haunted.

873
00:36:58,149 --> 00:37:00,251
-Okay.
-Yeah, spooky things happen.

874
00:37:00,251 --> 00:37:02,120
[Ralph] Okay, I won't go.

875
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,354
[woman] All right.

876
00:37:03,354 --> 00:37:06,758
♪slow doo-wop music♪

877
00:37:21,473 --> 00:37:22,574
[Ralph] Okay, Josh.

878
00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:23,608
Tell 'em what
we're doing tonight.

879
00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:25,610
Well, Ralph and I have this
friend in the ninth grade,

880
00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:26,578
Raul Sambid.

881
00:37:26,578 --> 00:37:29,180
He's [inaudible]
'Zombie Alien Hell 4,'

882
00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:31,649
which is the
bloodiest film of all time.

883
00:37:31,649 --> 00:37:33,251
[Ralph] And we're
gonna film it!

884
00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:35,353
Yes, like everything lately.

885
00:37:35,353 --> 00:37:36,788
You, you're gonna film it.

886
00:37:36,788 --> 00:37:37,255
Me?

887
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:38,656
I'm gonna enjoy it.

888
00:37:38,656 --> 00:37:40,592
[Ralph] How scary do
you think it's gonna be?

889
00:37:41,593 --> 00:37:42,861
What the heck?

890
00:37:43,228 --> 00:37:43,962
[Ralph] What?

891
00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:47,398
[Josh] Ralph, is that your dad?

892
00:37:50,335 --> 00:37:52,437
[Ralph] What the...

893
00:37:57,509 --> 00:37:57,976
You know what, Josh?

894
00:37:57,976 --> 00:38:01,179
-We should go no--
-♪poppy music♪

895
00:38:01,179 --> 00:38:04,582
[crickets chirping]

896
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:45,390
[Ralph] Hey, Josh?

897
00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:46,558
Yeah?

898
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,028
[Ralph] Do you...

899
00:38:50,028 --> 00:38:52,363
ever want to get
married some day?

900
00:38:53,998 --> 00:38:56,100
Uhhh I don't know.

901
00:38:56,100 --> 00:38:56,901
Maybe.

902
00:38:56,901 --> 00:38:59,070
I guess that's what
you're supposed to do, right?

903
00:38:59,871 --> 00:39:01,940
-Yeah.
-[sighs]

904
00:39:02,774 --> 00:39:04,609
Do you wanna ever get married?

905
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:08,012
[Ralph] Yeah.

906
00:39:13,851 --> 00:39:14,719
Cool.

907
00:39:18,056 --> 00:39:19,190
[sighs]

908
00:39:26,497 --> 00:39:27,765
Ralph, c'mon!

909
00:39:31,769 --> 00:39:34,539
And we set the girl on fire...

910
00:39:34,939 --> 00:39:36,875
and the sorority house...

911
00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:38,176
Burnt!

912
00:39:38,176 --> 00:39:39,210
Down!

913
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:41,246
With her!

914
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:43,514
[Josh] Cool, man.

915
00:39:43,514 --> 00:39:44,582
What do you mean?

916
00:39:44,983 --> 00:39:46,918
[Josh] Like, do you think they
can touch you and kill you?

917
00:39:46,918 --> 00:39:49,020
Or just scare you and kill you?

918
00:39:50,455 --> 00:39:51,189
Hm.

919
00:39:51,623 --> 00:39:54,192
Well, I know for a
fact that they cannot

920
00:39:54,192 --> 00:39:56,527
touch you and kill you
because they're invisible.

921
00:39:56,728 --> 00:39:58,463
-Womp womp.
-Yeah, but...

922
00:39:58,463 --> 00:40:00,231
have you ever seen a ghost?

923
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:02,033
I mean, I've
never seen a ghost,

924
00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:03,968
and if we can get a
ghost on camera,

925
00:40:03,968 --> 00:40:05,536
we could become famous.

926
00:40:05,536 --> 00:40:08,172
I can already see the
headlines in the newspaper now.

927
00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:11,709
"Two boys find a ghost in
haunted sorority house."

928
00:40:11,709 --> 00:40:16,047
♪soft music on TV♪

929
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,854
Welcome back to
'Sleeping with Joan.'

930
00:40:22,854 --> 00:40:25,924
We've had a long day
of painting, cooking,

931
00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:28,026
and plumbing with Joan,
and I think we've earned

932
00:40:28,026 --> 00:40:29,928
a good night's rest.

933
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:32,930
I'm ready to shut my
eyes and quiet my mind

934
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:35,733
for the next four to 25 hours.

935
00:40:36,634 --> 00:40:39,637
A good night's sleep
starts with a good blanket.

936
00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:47,445
Leave your house and go
to your local blanket store.

937
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,214
Once inside, touch
every single blanket

938
00:40:50,214 --> 00:40:52,150
until you've
found the right one.

939
00:40:52,150 --> 00:40:53,918
If the people working
at the blanket store

940
00:40:53,918 --> 00:40:57,255
say you're being too touchy
and ask you to leave... [puffs]

941
00:40:57,255 --> 00:40:59,090
Just buy the last
one you touched.

942
00:40:59,090 --> 00:41:00,191
That'll do.

943
00:41:01,092 --> 00:41:01,893
[rustling]

944
00:41:01,893 --> 00:41:03,895
My favorite thing
about my sheets

945
00:41:03,895 --> 00:41:05,663
is how loud they are!

946
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:07,532
Can ya hear that?!

947
00:41:08,599 --> 00:41:10,735
Almost sounds like
they're laughing.

948
00:41:10,735 --> 00:41:14,939
♪♪♪

949
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,875
Once you have your sheets,

950
00:41:17,875 --> 00:41:21,412
it's time to make sure you have
all your bedside accoutrements.

951
00:41:21,412 --> 00:41:24,549
Fresh cat's milk, whiskey,

952
00:41:24,549 --> 00:41:27,485
and a cabinet full of
lucky bones and hair,

953
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,721
to keep the night terrors away.

954
00:41:31,122 --> 00:41:34,592
Once you're lying down,
it helps to close your eyes,

955
00:41:34,592 --> 00:41:35,893
like this.

956
00:41:36,894 --> 00:41:40,098
One, two, three.

957
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:41,466
I'm counting up.

958
00:41:41,466 --> 00:41:42,834
It helps.

959
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:43,768
All right.

960
00:41:44,635 --> 00:41:47,171
Now, it's your
turn to fall asleep.

961
00:41:47,538 --> 00:41:48,673
I'll wait.

962
00:42:01,152 --> 00:42:03,154
♪As long as I'm here...♪

963
00:42:03,154 --> 00:42:06,824
[VO] 45 soul-crushing anthems

964
00:42:06,824 --> 00:42:10,661
on a special
edition two-disc CD.

965
00:42:13,331 --> 00:42:16,968
Being sad has never
sounded this good.

966
00:42:19,003 --> 00:42:19,904
Hi.

967
00:42:20,271 --> 00:42:21,272
Hi.

968
00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,007
Look what I got.

969
00:42:23,007 --> 00:42:25,576
[VO] We'll make the
Soundwall fit your personality.

970
00:42:25,576 --> 00:42:28,279
He bought her this
decorative plate.

971
00:42:28,279 --> 00:42:30,481
Wow, that's--
that's a fun story.

972
00:42:30,481 --> 00:42:31,749
Your look at finance.

973
00:42:31,749 --> 00:42:34,018
[VO] Our appraisers are
friendly and honest.

974
00:42:34,018 --> 00:42:34,986
We give the highest--

975
00:42:35,486 --> 00:42:37,255
Used to be a man could
walk down the street

976
00:42:37,255 --> 00:42:39,390
with his head held high,

977
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,325
earn an honest wage.

978
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:43,327
Men used to...

979
00:42:43,327 --> 00:42:45,062
build things.

980
00:42:47,165 --> 00:42:49,500
But then,
somewhere along the way,

981
00:42:49,767 --> 00:42:51,369
we were invaded!

982
00:42:52,003 --> 00:42:55,106
By a bunch of Berkeley
flag-burnin' commie--

983
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,310
What in tarnation?

984
00:42:59,310 --> 00:43:04,715
♪eerie music♪

985
00:43:11,656 --> 00:43:13,024
[woman] Hello, earthling.

986
00:43:13,524 --> 00:43:17,495
We are three sexy aliens
from the Drudru planet.

987
00:43:17,495 --> 00:43:18,429
[man] Aliens?

988
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:20,498
Wh-- on my little farm?

989
00:43:20,498 --> 00:43:22,333
What are y'all doin' here?

990
00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,402
Our planet was
suffering from civil war

991
00:43:24,402 --> 00:43:26,404
and our lives
were in danger.

992
00:43:26,971 --> 00:43:30,107
We've heard America was built
by the hands of immigrants,

993
00:43:30,241 --> 00:43:32,210
that you like to
help people in need.

994
00:43:32,210 --> 00:43:34,445
And not to mention, you
have the nicest cocks

995
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:36,080
in the universe.

996
00:43:37,014 --> 00:43:38,449
Well...

997
00:43:38,449 --> 00:43:40,218
I don't know if
y'all should be here.

998
00:43:40,218 --> 00:43:43,354
We already got a lot of
people here already.

999
00:43:43,354 --> 00:43:45,690
[coughing]

1000
00:43:45,690 --> 00:43:46,357
What's goin' on?

1001
00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:47,892
What's-- what's goin'
on with that alien?

1002
00:43:47,892 --> 00:43:49,193
What's wrong with them?

1003
00:43:49,193 --> 00:43:52,063
Stardust is not
acclimated to your Earth air.

1004
00:43:52,063 --> 00:43:53,798
She needs to acclimate.

1005
00:43:53,798 --> 00:43:54,966
How do you do that?

1006
00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:59,971
We have to have lesbian sex
and orgasm multiple times.

1007
00:43:59,971 --> 00:44:01,539
♪♪♪

1008
00:44:01,539 --> 00:44:04,075
♪piano music♪

1009
00:44:04,208 --> 00:44:05,676
I'm surprised, earthling.

1010
00:44:05,676 --> 00:44:09,981
It's customary for an Earth male
to join in on our lesbian sex.

1011
00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:11,649
Oh, no, I- I'm fine.

1012
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:14,552
I just-- I'm actually really
glad that she's doin' okay

1013
00:44:14,552 --> 00:44:16,721
and that you guys
had your lesbian sex.

1014
00:44:16,721 --> 00:44:17,722
That was great.

1015
00:44:17,722 --> 00:44:19,991
I just, uh, I'm
really tired all the time

1016
00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:22,960
and I got all my farming
equipment that needs to be f--

1017
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,163
farmed and I'm really stressed.

1018
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:27,064
[woman] Perhaps we can help.

1019
00:44:27,064 --> 00:44:28,933
We are excellent mechanics.

1020
00:44:28,933 --> 00:44:31,302
Your farmhouse is
over there, right?

1021
00:44:31,302 --> 00:44:33,070
We'll go fix your machines.

1022
00:44:40,878 --> 00:44:42,313
Oh my God, they
fixed my machines.

1023
00:44:42,313 --> 00:44:44,582
That was incredible,
they really fixed 'em.

1024
00:44:44,582 --> 00:44:46,183
My machines are fixed.

1025
00:44:46,717 --> 00:44:47,485
We'll be right--

1026
00:44:47,785 --> 00:44:50,721
-Time to steal.
-Are you paranoid?

1027
00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:52,623
Studies show you might be.

1028
00:44:52,623 --> 00:44:55,693
If you're not, then there's
a good chance you are.

1029
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,595
-Story at 11.
-So I just thought,

1030
00:44:57,595 --> 00:44:59,730
"Just see what Jimmy--

1031
00:44:59,730 --> 00:45:00,865
Jimmy the Rat's
worth," you know?

1032
00:45:00,865 --> 00:45:03,768
Well, I'm happy that
you brought him in.

1033
00:45:03,768 --> 00:45:06,103
Um, it's a cute name,
"Jimmy the Rat."

1034
00:45:06,103 --> 00:45:07,238
-Look, he's got--
-He's actually a mouse.

1035
00:45:07,238 --> 00:45:09,340
-Sure.
-I actually, uh,

1036
00:45:09,340 --> 00:45:11,509
personally had one of my own.

1037
00:45:11,509 --> 00:45:14,812
Uh, I called mine
"Joshy," "Joshy Doll."

1038
00:45:14,812 --> 00:45:16,113
[high-pitched] That's
a dumb name.

1039
00:45:16,113 --> 00:45:17,515
Who calls me "Joshy Doll?"

1040
00:45:17,515 --> 00:45:19,183
I'll s-- I'm gonna
slap you bald.

1041
00:45:19,183 --> 00:45:20,484
Oh, somebody already did!

1042
00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:21,552
[laughs]

1043
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:22,720
-Well, I--
-Whoa!

1044
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,388
Hey Jimmy the Rat,
you're hilarious, man.

1045
00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:27,258
Um, like I said,
the condition of it is

1046
00:45:27,258 --> 00:45:29,293
something to
consider, if I may.

1047
00:45:29,293 --> 00:45:30,628
Um...

1048
00:45:31,762 --> 00:45:34,198
That's interesting, uh, these...

1049
00:45:34,198 --> 00:45:37,401
were usually attached
to the cloth, but here,

1050
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:41,272
someone has put in
some wood nubs--

1051
00:45:41,272 --> 00:45:42,807
Check it, check
it, check it out.

1052
00:45:42,807 --> 00:45:45,977
And then nailed it together,
which actually, um...

1053
00:45:45,977 --> 00:45:47,011
[whispering] I'm Jimmy the Rat.

1054
00:45:47,011 --> 00:45:48,613
Jim-- Jimmy,
Jimmy, Jimmy the Rat--

1055
00:45:48,613 --> 00:45:49,680
W- where are you from?

1056
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:50,615
-Me?
-Yeah.

1057
00:45:50,615 --> 00:45:51,749
Kalamazoo.

1058
00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:52,950
-Really?
-Yeah.

1059
00:45:53,217 --> 00:45:54,719
-Irishtown?
-Yeah.

1060
00:45:55,519 --> 00:45:56,454
That's interesting.

1061
00:45:56,454 --> 00:45:58,923
Um, I say that because my dad--

1062
00:45:58,923 --> 00:46:01,692
-Mm-hm.
-Um, before he passed,

1063
00:46:01,692 --> 00:46:05,630
put wood nubs in just like this

1064
00:46:05,963 --> 00:46:08,065
to hold the feet on.

1065
00:46:08,065 --> 00:46:13,504
And this kid, kind of a
bully kid, Tony, uh, Tony B.,

1066
00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:15,439
um, took my doll.

1067
00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:20,444
So it's-- it's kind of crazy
that you have this doll.

1068
00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:23,014
Um, where did you--
where did you purchase it?

1069
00:46:24,181 --> 00:46:26,350
I got it at your
sleepover, Teddy.

1070
00:46:27,451 --> 00:46:28,719
-You're Tony B.?
-And I guess I put it in a box.

1071
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:29,587
Yeah.

1072
00:46:29,787 --> 00:46:31,989
[laughs] Come on, I'm
on TV 18 hours a day.

1073
00:46:31,989 --> 00:46:32,857
You know me.

1074
00:46:32,857 --> 00:46:34,091
I-- I don't watch--

1075
00:46:34,091 --> 00:46:35,860
-I don't even own a TV.
-Wow!

1076
00:46:35,860 --> 00:46:37,528
The people always say
that, it's so funny.

1077
00:46:37,528 --> 00:46:38,729
-Yeah.
-Fans always love to say,

1078
00:46:38,729 --> 00:46:39,764
ah, they know you,
and then they're like,

1079
00:46:39,764 --> 00:46:40,931
"I never watch anything!"

1080
00:46:40,931 --> 00:46:41,866
-But you do.
-Well, I know you

1081
00:46:41,866 --> 00:46:43,167
-from childhood.
-Yeah, yeah.

1082
00:46:43,167 --> 00:46:45,102
From being a bully and
from stealing my doll.

1083
00:46:45,102 --> 00:46:47,538
-Well--
-♪cheerful music♪

1084
00:46:49,273 --> 00:46:50,341
♪upbeat rock music♪

1085
00:46:50,341 --> 00:46:51,142
♪Rocks♪

1086
00:46:52,777 --> 00:46:53,611
♪Rock♪

1087
00:46:55,279 --> 00:46:57,682
♪Rocks♪

1088
00:46:57,682 --> 00:46:58,149
♪Ro--♪

1089
00:47:02,987 --> 00:47:03,988
♪Rocks♪

1090
00:47:07,858 --> 00:47:08,592
♪Rocks♪

1091
00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:11,162
♪Rock♪

1092
00:47:11,929 --> 00:47:14,432
♪cheerful music♪

1093
00:47:15,566 --> 00:47:16,834
So how much is it worth?

1094
00:47:17,301 --> 00:47:20,104
Well, uh, in the
box, the original box,

1095
00:47:20,104 --> 00:47:22,873
uh, these dolls usually
can go for around $500--

1096
00:47:22,873 --> 00:47:24,141
-Uh-huh.
-400 to 500.

1097
00:47:24,141 --> 00:47:25,976
Because of the
disrepair, though--

1098
00:47:25,976 --> 00:47:26,377
Uh-huh.

1099
00:47:26,377 --> 00:47:29,013
And the-- the, um, poor care
that you've given this doll--

1100
00:47:29,013 --> 00:47:31,315
-Uh-huh.
-I would, uh, assume

1101
00:47:31,315 --> 00:47:34,852
that it would go for
around 150 to $200.

1102
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:36,454
I'll take 500, Teddy.

1103
00:47:37,088 --> 00:47:38,756
Um, again, it
doesn't have the box.

1104
00:47:38,756 --> 00:47:40,858
Your dead daddy made
the feet, I thought.

1105
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,159
Maybe you don't care
so it doesn't have

1106
00:47:42,159 --> 00:47:43,794
that kind of
sentimental value to you.

1107
00:47:44,628 --> 00:47:47,164
[high-pitched] Aw, no, no,
don't drop me back in a mold!

1108
00:47:47,164 --> 00:47:48,532
I don't wanna go in a mold!

1109
00:47:50,034 --> 00:47:51,168
Take-- take it.

1110
00:47:51,402 --> 00:47:52,970
If you're so tough,
take-- take it.

1111
00:47:53,771 --> 00:47:54,705
650.

1112
00:47:55,473 --> 00:47:57,708
-What?
-$650.

1113
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,210
You said $500.

1114
00:47:59,210 --> 00:48:00,745
-It's worth two--
-That was a minute ago.

1115
00:48:00,745 --> 00:48:02,279
We're done negotiating.

1116
00:48:02,279 --> 00:48:03,614
Now, he's my boyfriend.

1117
00:48:03,614 --> 00:48:04,381
[kisses]

1118
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:05,583
Don't you f-- [bleep] kiss him!

1119
00:48:05,583 --> 00:48:06,317
Don't-- do it.

1120
00:48:06,317 --> 00:48:07,852
Do it, take it.

1121
00:48:07,852 --> 00:48:08,519
Take it.

1122
00:48:09,820 --> 00:48:10,454
Take it.

1123
00:48:12,423 --> 00:48:15,092
♪cheerful music♪

1124
00:48:19,964 --> 00:48:21,699
[VO] Are you a
hot-blooded American?

1125
00:48:21,699 --> 00:48:24,235
[fast-forwarded laughter]

1126
00:48:27,138 --> 00:48:29,473
The answer is just
around the cor--

1127
00:48:29,473 --> 00:48:30,708
Okay, aliens.

1128
00:48:30,708 --> 00:48:33,444
I'm gonna drive you into town,
where maybe you can get jobs

1129
00:48:33,444 --> 00:48:35,746
as mechanics, 'cause
all of our mechanics

1130
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,381
went into the big city.

1131
00:48:37,381 --> 00:48:40,151
But I have to warn you,
the sheriff of the town?

1132
00:48:40,151 --> 00:48:42,820
He doesn't like
blonde people because

1133
00:48:42,820 --> 00:48:45,389
a Swedish person
murdered his best friend.

1134
00:48:45,389 --> 00:48:47,825
Oh no, how bad!

1135
00:48:47,825 --> 00:48:49,360
Not murder!

1136
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,463
But, surely he can't think
that all Swedish people

1137
00:48:52,463 --> 00:48:54,298
with blonde
hair are bad.

1138
00:48:54,298 --> 00:48:57,234
Don't people with brown hair
kill people all the time?

1139
00:48:57,234 --> 00:48:58,369
Why aren't they banned?

1140
00:48:58,369 --> 00:48:59,670
That's a good question.

1141
00:48:59,670 --> 00:49:02,273
That's a good question
that we should explore.

1142
00:49:02,273 --> 00:49:03,607
[woman] Is that a smoke?

1143
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:04,842
What's that smoke?

1144
00:49:04,842 --> 00:49:05,543
Oh no!

1145
00:49:05,543 --> 00:49:06,877
The car's breakin' down.

1146
00:49:06,877 --> 00:49:08,913
-Aw, God.
-Oh no!

1147
00:49:08,913 --> 00:49:09,847
What's that smoke?

1148
00:49:09,847 --> 00:49:12,116
There's smoke
comin' out of the hood.

1149
00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:13,818
What's goin' on with this car?

1150
00:49:13,818 --> 00:49:14,618
Look!

1151
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:16,687
An Earth mechanic shop!

1152
00:49:16,687 --> 00:49:19,290
♪country guitar♪

1153
00:49:27,064 --> 00:49:28,732
-Hey, sir.
-Hey.

1154
00:49:29,033 --> 00:49:31,435
Could we get some
greasy oil for this car?

1155
00:49:31,435 --> 00:49:33,604
What seems to be the problem?

1156
00:49:35,940 --> 00:49:37,174
I fixed your car.

1157
00:49:37,174 --> 00:49:38,976
All right, what's
goin' on here?

1158
00:49:38,976 --> 00:49:41,345
Do y'all have a
work permit to work?

1159
00:49:41,345 --> 00:49:42,913
Sheriff Cocker, wait.

1160
00:49:42,913 --> 00:49:45,049
These girls immigrated
from outer space.

1161
00:49:45,049 --> 00:49:48,419
They can all do the jobs regular
Americans don't wanna do

1162
00:49:48,419 --> 00:49:49,453
or can't do.

1163
00:49:49,453 --> 00:49:51,088
Wait a second.

1164
00:49:51,088 --> 00:49:54,758
Are you all sexy illegal
Swedish aliens from space?

1165
00:49:54,758 --> 00:49:55,326
Huh!

1166
00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:56,093
That's it.

1167
00:49:56,093 --> 00:49:57,628
Everyone's goin' to jail!

1168
00:49:57,628 --> 00:49:59,897
♪country guitar♪

1169
00:50:01,065 --> 00:50:03,133
We need the key, which...

1170
00:50:03,133 --> 00:50:04,702
we don't have a key.

1171
00:50:05,469 --> 00:50:06,904
Fara, you're forgetting.

1172
00:50:07,738 --> 00:50:11,976
Our mouths can shape a
key out of any long...

1173
00:50:11,976 --> 00:50:14,445
hard...

1174
00:50:14,445 --> 00:50:16,180
object.

1175
00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:18,315
That's a power we have.

1176
00:50:18,315 --> 00:50:21,085
And we just need
a long, hard object

1177
00:50:21,085 --> 00:50:23,654
to make a key with
with our mouths.

1178
00:50:26,056 --> 00:50:28,792
Oh...gross, girls...

1179
00:50:28,792 --> 00:50:33,764
I-- [sighs] I'm a married
man who loves my wife.

1180
00:50:33,764 --> 00:50:37,001
I've loved her since
the moment I saw her

1181
00:50:37,001 --> 00:50:38,869
at our high school dance.

1182
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:42,072
She was wearing a
beautiful summer dress

1183
00:50:43,173 --> 00:50:46,076
and she had flowers on it.

1184
00:50:46,443 --> 00:50:50,114
And she smelled
like plums and...

1185
00:50:50,114 --> 00:50:53,417
sometimes in life, things
change and y-- [sighs]

1186
00:50:53,417 --> 00:50:58,088
you can't always be attracted to
the partner that you are with.

1187
00:50:58,756 --> 00:50:59,623
We did it.

1188
00:50:59,623 --> 00:51:00,791
Let's get outta here.

1189
00:51:00,791 --> 00:51:03,494
♪triumphant music♪

1190
00:51:03,494 --> 00:51:06,096
But I love me some KC
and the Sunshine Band.

1191
00:51:06,096 --> 00:51:08,265
I know Natalie
'cause, uh, she work--

1192
00:51:08,265 --> 00:51:11,101
uh, I work at the video
store and she comes by and...

1193
00:51:11,101 --> 00:51:14,872
uh, [laughs] rents some
videos, so that how I, uh...

1194
00:51:16,540 --> 00:51:18,042
So, uh...

1195
00:51:19,443 --> 00:51:20,744
what's up?

1196
00:51:21,378 --> 00:51:22,713
Well-- well...

1197
00:51:23,047 --> 00:51:24,114
[laughs]

1198
00:51:24,114 --> 00:51:26,483
Um, today is a very
interesting day.

1199
00:51:26,483 --> 00:51:31,055
Um, Venus is making its inferior
conjunction with Planet Earth.

1200
00:51:31,355 --> 00:51:32,323
Oh, uh, really?

1201
00:51:32,323 --> 00:51:33,824
Is this Natalie?

1202
00:51:33,824 --> 00:51:35,025
The Natalie?

1203
00:51:35,693 --> 00:51:38,762
Uh, my mom, uh, just
takes random pictures

1204
00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:40,197
of people in my show

1205
00:51:40,197 --> 00:51:43,133
-so don't pay attention.
-Well, she's not random, honey.

1206
00:51:43,133 --> 00:51:44,902
[man] Grace, you're
embarrassing our little girl.

1207
00:51:44,902 --> 00:51:46,737
Hey, why don't I,
uh, play a song?

1208
00:51:46,737 --> 00:51:48,138
I mean, your
parents are obviously

1209
00:51:48,138 --> 00:51:49,807
-making you uncomfortable.
-Okay, she's gonna play a song.

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