1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:09,175
<i>I'm so happy to be recording this</i>
<i>for Netflix, everyone. So happy.</i>

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:12,470
<i>You know what I've been thinking</i>
<i>since we signed the contract?</i>

5
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,640
<i>I wish I was a fly</i>
<i>to be able to see my ex's face.</i>

6
00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:16,683
<i>Man...</i>

7
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,810
<i>What wouldn't I give.</i>

8
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,563
<i>She can block me on Instagram,</i>

9
00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:25,358
<i>she can block me on WhatsApp,</i>

10
00:00:25,942 --> 00:00:28,028
<i>she can block me on Facebook.</i>

11
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,822
<i>But on Netflix...</i>

12
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:35,744
No, she can't. I wish--

13
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,416
I wish I was a fly, really.

14
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:45,712
To see her face when she opens Netflix
and I'm on her Top Picks For You.

15
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,840
Holding my dick. Is it allowed?

16
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:54,054
The other day,
some chick sent me a DM on Instagram,

17
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:56,347
"Afonso, I'm a big fan of your work."

18
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,474
"Thanks a lot."

19
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,643
"I really am."
I was like, "I had already believed you."

20
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,937
"I like your work, I like you,

21
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:06,149
but I won't lie-- I'm not poor."

22
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,484
It was so odd.

23
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,153
It's very rare for non-poor people
to dig my work.

24
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:13,073
"I'm not broke, but I would love
to go see <i>Alma de Pobre."</i>

25
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,074
"Please do."

26
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,534
She said, "I have a question.
If I go, will I have fun?"

27
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:20,246
I was like, "Of course."
She said, "Even if I'm not broke?"

28
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,334
I wanted her money, so I said,
"Of course you will."

29
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,421
She asked, "But will I have
as much fun as broke people?"

30
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,633
I was like, "No...

31
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,594
No one has as much fun as broke people."

32
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,388
You know what I'm saying.

33
00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:40,475
You're clapping for no reason.

34
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,520
It's true.

35
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:47,148
Tickets went for 80 bucks?
They're gonna laugh 80 bucks.

36
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:51,236
Every penny will be treated
as the last they'll ever make.

37
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:55,573
If he doesn't laugh the whole 80 bucks,
he'll be mad, "I only laughed 53 bucks!"

38
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:59,869
"I paid 80 and got 53. Fuck that."

39
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,746
Don't mind my hands.

40
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,207
My fans go home like this.
"I only laughed 53--

41
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:06,960
No, I paid--

42
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:09,671
Can you believe it? I paid 80--

43
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,717
And only got 53, goddammit."

44
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:20,723
I made that joke in Manaus
and they were like, "I only laughed--"

45
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,435
They liked it. They said--

46
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:30,108
My fans are generally broke, I know.
People who follow my work, I mean.

47
00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:32,694
It's so good to see
how affectionate people get.

48
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,863
You're pretty much in the dark.

49
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,197
Then you get recognized

50
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,742
and you get a glimpse of how much
that person likes you,

51
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:43,830
even if you don't physically touch
or know each other.

52
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:44,998
It's really cool.

53
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:47,125
Sometimes I'm walking down the street--

54
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,042
Wherever I am.

55
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:51,337
People roll down the car window.
They mean business.

56
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:55,550
And it's always like this,
'cause my fans are broke.

57
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,468
It's never an Evoque whirring like--

58
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,305
It's never a BMW.

59
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,641
Never. It's always some dude--

60
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,476
It's never like, "Hello, Afonso.

61
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,145
Afonso Padilha, is that right?

62
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,647
I fancy your work, young man.
Not only yours,

63
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,567
but also your friends'--
Thiago, Marcio, Dihh--

64
00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:14,360
I rather fancy the four of you

65
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,946
and appreciate what you've been doing
for the scene.

66
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:21,743
Keep doing what you do.
I follow you on YouTube, Instagram...

67
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,661
and Facebook.

68
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,955
I like it and I hope you keep on going.

69
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:29,417
I'll continue to be a fan.
Cheers to you and to your mother."

70
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:35,715
It's never like that. It's like,
"Yo, fucktard, where did your dad go?"

71
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:40,178
It's always--
No, it's always someone rude.

72
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,599
It's always someone very rude.

73
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:49,229
The other day some dude in a Civic
rolled down his window and shouted,

74
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,814
"Hey, I know you got
your butthole licked!"

75
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,527
I was downtown,
a whole crowd of people stared at me.

76
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:02,325
And I couldn't say anything,
'cause it had been licked.

77
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,329
I was like, "You got me!"

78
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,291
"Keep doing it!"
"Sure, I'll let them lick it!"

79
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,334
"Peace out!"

80
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,462
On he went to crank his stiff window up.

81
00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:18,174
Have you ever had a car like this?
You start to shake.

82
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,760
Window goes down okay
but rolls up all jiggly.

83
00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:23,721
Have you ever had a car--

84
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:27,100
You lend your car to a friend,

85
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,602
he opens the window, you're like, "No!"

86
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,400
You need two people to shut the window.

87
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,860
One handling the crank,
the other pushing it up.

88
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:41,990
You can't get any more broke than this.

89
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,909
Ever had a car like that?

90
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,204
At the toll booth,

91
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,665
you just open the door
and pay from up here.

92
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,960
The person inside
gives you a judgmental look,

93
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,170
like you wanted to drive that beater.

94
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:03,094
The windshield wipers don't even move,
they just drone--

95
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,059
"Fuck it, I'll clean it myself."

96
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,854
You get a little squeegee
and start wiping it.

97
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:17,942
Your shotgun is like,
"I think you gotta replace the rubber."

98
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,949
Oh, really? You don't say!

99
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,201
Have you had a car like that?

100
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,705
It's so old the seatbelt doesn't retract.
You gotta pull it by hand.

101
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,876
Fuck that. You tell your passenger,

102
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,587
"Wrap it around your neck,
we're gonna die anyway."

103
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:41,591
Have you had a car like that?
The interior handle is busted

104
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,260
so you roll down the window
to open the door. That's--

105
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,639
You feel like you're being
a gentleman to yourself.

106
00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:51,934
"Let me get the door for you."

107
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,028
Have you had a car like that?

108
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:06,032
Anyway, it's so nice to be recognized
thanks to my work,

109
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:08,910
even though I know
I'm more anonymous than I'm famous.

110
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,495
Because we live in bubbles.

111
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:13,206
We're only known
by a limited number of people.

112
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,083
Back in the day, famous people

113
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,626
were actually famous.

114
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,088
The TV was the only medium there was,

115
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,257
so in order to be famous
you had to be on Globo.

116
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:26,803
You had to be on SBT,
you had to be on Record.

117
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,597
Never mind, no one on Record is famous.

118
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:33,559
Unless you're a demon or a pastor.

119
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:36,938
Sometimes both are the same person--
Pr. Valdomiro. So--

120
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,448
It's like a religious amusement park.

121
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,703
Don't you think it's kind of ironic

122
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:57,500
how Valdomiro offers healing
while he limps?

123
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,962
He's like, "Brother, I'll heal you!"

124
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,097
I'll tell you, it's so great.

125
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:14,058
We're living a very happy moment.

126
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,227
I live with Thiago Ventura,
we have a comedy group,

127
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,604
and we've been traveling around Brazil.

128
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,773
This year, we sold out every show we did.

129
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:24,652
We've been doing comedy for ten years,
and it was empty for nine, everyone.

130
00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:26,529
This year, people have shown up.

131
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:29,365
And I'll tell you,
it's so much more fun when you do.

132
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:30,783
Much more fun.

133
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:34,829
And look, we discuss a lot
to remain grounded

134
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:36,664
and understand it's ephemeral.

135
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:40,251
We know that in two years' time
other comedians will be on the rise,

136
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:41,794
and we'll continue doing stand-up.

137
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,465
But there's nothing better
as a comedian, as an artist,

138
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,009
to step on a stage and see this, everyone.

139
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:51,929
There's nothing better
and more rewarding--

140
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,723
Really, no demagogy.

141
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,559
There's nothing nicer,

142
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,563
I mean it, than stepping on a stage,
seeing this and thinking,

143
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,107
"Holy shit,
look at how much money I'm making."

144
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:10,448
Some are like,
"Oh, Afonso, is it all about the money?"

145
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,247
Just kidding, of course it's not.

146
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,249
It's also about free food and chicks.

147
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,710
Just kidding.

148
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:27,507
I like to-- You know why
I like to make that joke?

149
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,884
Because there are two kinds
of broke people.

150
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:32,887
There's the cool guy who's like,
"Son of a bitch!

151
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,390
You making real money?
Gimme a motorbike then!"

152
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:40,853
And then there's the salty guy who's like,
"I didn't like that joke."

153
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:44,398
Sometimes we do this, we are this person.

154
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:47,068
Don't be salty. Being broke is bad enough.

155
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:50,238
Being a salty broke person is disgusting.

156
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,698
Sometimes, we--

157
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:55,910
Without noticing,
we act like real bastards.

158
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:57,912
For instance-- every one's been there.

159
00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:01,290
When a woman friend, a cousin,
a girl that is close to you

160
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:04,085
starts to make more money,
to get home a bit later,

161
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:06,796
meets new people,
makes a new circle of friends,

162
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,465
posts travel photos on Instagram,
fresh clothes.

163
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:13,177
You never think, "She's working hard.
She got a promotion.

164
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,556
She's showing up and proving
that women are as good as men,"

165
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,140
and of course they are.

166
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,018
The first thing you'll say is,
"Did she become a whore?"

167
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,146
And chances are she didn't.

168
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,068
But who knows!

169
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,154
I wouldn't blame her.

170
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:37,201
We gotta support poor people,
side with them.

171
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,329
When the poor makes money, it's money.

172
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,164
The rich call it "more."

173
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,000
The poor call it "money."

174
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,628
Ever seen those stories
on rich people that lost it all

175
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,922
and killed themselves out of frustration?

176
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,300
When poor people who had nothing

177
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:55,678
earn a lot of money and lose it all,
they're like, "Oh, well..."

178
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,311
"Bought some cars, fucked some hoes,
had a tough break.

179
00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:07,315
They said frozen yogurt was profitable,
so I invested."

180
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,151
It's real money for the poor.

181
00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:12,069
When someone broke wins the lottery,

182
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,322
they think
they'll never have to work again.

183
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:17,908
They get that money and think,
"Holy shit, I'm never gonna work again."

184
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,953
Fast-forward three years,
he's an Uber driver.

185
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:28,753
Because the poor call it "money."
The rich call it "more."

186
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,130
It's just more money.
When rich people find cash,

187
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:33,841
they pull it out of their pocket like,
"Oh, hi, Benjamin."

188
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,719
Ever seen a broke guy finding cash?

189
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,265
Some of them are itching right now.
"Damn..."

190
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:45,102
They're reaching into their pockets like,
"You never know..."

191
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:49,565
When a broke guy finds cash
in his pocket, he's like, "Bruh!"

192
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,028
Outta nowhere, Lord? Thou puttest...

193
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:55,988
this little gift--

194
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,659
I am not worthy, O Lord,
of so many blessings.

195
00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,160
Aleluia!

196
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,538
I'm not-- Oh!

197
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:05,581
Look.

198
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,339
Thank you. Thank you, Lord."

199
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:16,592
He pulls it out: two bucks.
He's like, "Fuck yeah!"

200
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,014
He had nothing,
now he's two bucks less broke.

201
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:25,309
And the poorer you are,
the more you value your money.

202
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,019
You know a person used to be poor

203
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:29,355
not when they buy a car or a house,

204
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,942
but when they start to make money
and the first thing they say is,

205
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,403
"Hell, I'm not going to skimp on food!"

206
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:43,285
Guy used to never have food.

207
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,538
Then he's like,
"I want it with four mixtures!"

208
00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:50,668
If you know what mixture is,
congrats, you're broke as fuck.

209
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,628
If you understand it,

210
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,506
this show is for you.

211
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:03,597
Rich people in the house, a "mixture"--

212
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,559
How can I put this...

213
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,479
-Everything that's not rice or beans...
-Is called "mixture."

214
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,606
All the broke people upfront...

215
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,069
The poorer you are,
the more you value money you make.

216
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,280
I know it 'cause I was raised--

217
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,699
My mom raised us by herself
on 400 bucks a month.

218
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,492
Three kids on 400 bucks.

219
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,412
We were so broke
that poor people would pity us.

220
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,541
We were the paradigm,
"We can't fail as bad as them!"

221
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,004
I'd ask my mom--

222
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:37,923
I was raised hearing stuff
only very poor people hear.

223
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:41,218
"I'm so broke I can't afford
to shit in a bus station toilet."

224
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,388
I hate that one.

225
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,474
"A bus station public toilet."

226
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,893
We rarely went out at all,
it makes no sense.

227
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,981
"Mom, can I have it?"
"I can't pull money out of my ass."

228
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,527
Until I was 13, I used to think
my mother paid everything with her ass.

229
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:02,823
"Debit or credit?"
"My mom's ass. Shove it.

230
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,951
The tits upfront
and the ass in installments.

231
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,330
It's her 'assdit' card.
Go ahead and swipe it.

232
00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:11,207
She had to bounce real quick,

233
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,043
but she's gonna be right back
to bounce on you too.

234
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,967
Mom's in the audience like,
"I never paid anything with my ass!

235
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,387
I don't mean it literally!"

236
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,815
"Shit in a bus station toilet."
Hate that one.

237
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:40,152
The first money I made
was my first paycheck at age 16.

238
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,946
It was the first money I made.

239
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,990
They asked me,
"What are you going to do with it?"

240
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:48,828
Went straight to the nearest bus station
and took a huge dump.

241
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:50,913
Best feeling ever.

242
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,916
All the diesel smoke.
"This is what being rich feels like."

243
00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:59,630
We were so broke, you have no idea.

244
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:01,549
Sometimes I'm talking with Mom

245
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,426
and she goes like,
"Oh, I miss the old times."

246
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,262
I want to smack her in the face.

247
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,973
You don't know how broke we were.

248
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:10,683
My young brother lives in Portugal.

249
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:14,520
Big brother lives in Arraial do Cabo,
it's been some time he moved there.

250
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,564
He's a fantastic fellow, I love him.

251
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:19,483
He makes wonderful pressure pots
out of soda cans.

252
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:26,866
He makes ashtrays out of beer cans,
you can't even tell it's handicraft.

253
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:29,952
I joke about him because he has
no Internet, he's a hippie.

254
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,120
He'll never see this.

255
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,414
And my little brother is living in Lisbon

256
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,082
for four months now.

257
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:37,960
I bought his ticket
and I'm supporting him.

258
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,839
I think that's what you're meant to do
when you're making a bit of money

259
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:44,341
and your brother is getting death threats.
He's--

260
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,014
Mom hates that joke.

261
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,391
"They'll see it on Netflix
and go after him!"

262
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,812
It's true.

263
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:01,984
He's living there.

264
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:06,322
The day Mom and I dropped him
at the airport,

265
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:07,531
she started to cry.

266
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,075
Her son was moving far away,
so I gave her a hug.

267
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,244
I said,
"Mom, relax, it's not a long flight.

268
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,412
She looked at me,

269
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:16,248
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."

270
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,834
Back when he was a newborn,

271
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,420
that's the poorest we ever were.

272
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:25,299
I though we couldn't be any more broke,
but, hey...

273
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,676
My mom was so driven.

274
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:31,889
The broke people's sky
was the limit for that lady.

275
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:34,892
We were really broke.

276
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,685
"I miss when Jean was a newborn."

277
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,438
I got so pissed, I said,
"I'm gonna tell you a story

278
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:40,898
and make you not miss it."

279
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,817
I'll tell you too.
When my brother was one year old--

280
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:48,364
When he was one year old,
this one time, we ran out of milk.

281
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:50,532
And by "one time" I mean "often."

282
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:51,992
When I say "one time,"

283
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,370
broke people in the audience are like,
"That's cute."

284
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,540
Poor people compete to be the poorest.
One says, "Oh, one time?"

285
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,293
The other says, "What's milk?"
They're always--

286
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:08,175
But this one time we had run out of milk.

287
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:10,427
My mother had a day job.

288
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:14,223
She always did her best to ensure
we had everything we needed.

289
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:17,768
I wasn't enough, we often didn't.
But she tried.

290
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:20,229
She'd go to work at 7 am
and come back at midnight.

291
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,898
She always worked her ass off,
and she'd leave us chores

292
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,400
so we had things to do.

293
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:29,154
My little brother was one, I was eight,
and my big brother was 15 at the time.

294
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,824
I'd take care of my little brother,
cook and clean,

295
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:35,744
and my big brother was reaching that age
when poor kids leave home

296
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,371
to smoke weed. So...

297
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,207
he'd do his thing while I was home.

298
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:44,712
On this day, we had ran out of milk
and my little brother started to cry.

299
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:48,215
I was losing it
because I didn't know why he was crying.

300
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,843
The more desperate I got,
the more he cried.

301
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:53,554
I figured he must be hungry,
but there was no milk.

302
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:56,265
As he cried and cried,
I was getting beyond desperate.

303
00:16:56,348 --> 00:17:00,019
Back then, I couldn't call Mom.
because cell phones didn't exist.

304
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:01,854
They actually did,

305
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:04,440
but if it was expensive,
Mom would say it didn't exist.

306
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:06,275
"Can I have a cookie?"

307
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,152
"There's no such thing.

308
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:11,030
Unless I pull a cookie out of my ass."

309
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:15,325
So, I couldn't call Mom,
but I was getting so desperate

310
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:19,663
that I went ahead
and made him a lemon balm tea.

311
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:20,956
Yeah.

312
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:26,754
Lemon balm, lemon grass-- That weed
that grows on poor people's backyards.

313
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,424
And gave it to him without knowing
it's like natural Dramamine.

314
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:35,012
It's not written anywhere,
"Be careful not to overdose kids."

315
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,514
Damn, he slept like a rock.

316
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,600
The baby passed the fuck out.

317
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:43,437
When he woke up, he was eight.
"Goddamn, what have I missed?"

318
00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:49,526
He drank it at 9:40 am,
my Mom got home at 12:40 am

319
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:52,112
When she got home,
he was sleeping for over 15 hours.

320
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,281
She picked him up
and he had turned into slime.

321
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,160
This was his head. He melted.

322
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,954
Mom said, "You killed him!"

323
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:04,249
I was like, "No!"
She'd shake him and nothing.

324
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,086
"Mom, he's not dead."
She'd hit him, "Look, Afonso!

325
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,003
It's broken!"

326
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,464
I said, "Mom, I didn't kill him.
He was hungry."

327
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,508
She said, "He died of hunger?"

328
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:17,596
"No, he was hungry,
so I gave him a lemon balm tea."

329
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,848
She was like, "You what?" "Two bottles."

330
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,517
She said, "Are you crazy?"

331
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,019
"He slept just before the third."

332
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,107
I didn't know what to do.

333
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,154
And I remember I got her so shocked

334
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,615
that from that day on something changed.

335
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,492
Something clicked inside her mind.

336
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:39,743
From that point on,

337
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:43,330
she'd give him lemon balm tea
every chance she got.

338
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,459
Kids sleep like a log.

339
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:52,297
Nowadays we're quite well-off,
I'm not gonna lie.

340
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:55,801
We've been poor in the past,
but not anymore.

341
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,095
Nope. Mom has a customized kitchen.

342
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:03,308
That's right. It's the only thing
that was planned in her whole life.

343
00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:07,521
Dumped by three husbands,
mother of three accidents.

344
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,773
Do you think she planned for anything?

345
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:12,734
Babies would bungee jump out of her cunt.

346
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:17,114
She'd cut the umbilical cord
and resume her chores.

347
00:19:17,197 --> 00:19:18,824
"Golly! One more child."

348
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:23,245
Today, we are doing very well
for ourselves.

349
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:26,165
The other day, we--
Look how far we've come.

350
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:29,084
We were having breakfast
and I noticed how well-off we are.

351
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,879
I was sipping my coffee
and noticed that our flatware

352
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,756
was not mismatched. Can you believe it?

353
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,717
The same black poly handles.

354
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,178
None of that yellow kind,
all chipped and burnt.

355
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,683
Some of you look clueless,
some broke people are like, "You made it!"

356
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,311
That's it.

357
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,403
Ever seen a poor family's flatware?

358
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:59,072
Looks like they robbed
a bunch of different homes.

359
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:02,409
When we visited friends, Mom would say,
"Take a couple of forks."

360
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,291
I've only just recently realized
that I made it in life.

361
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,961
I said, "We really are rich, Mom."
We hugged, I got so emotional.

362
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,380
I was at my Mom's the other day

363
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:17,758
and when I opened the oven-- wait for it--

364
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,470
there was no pot full of used oil.
Would you believe it?

365
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:25,515
That's getting ahead in life.
French fries on fresh oil!

366
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,809
Want some fries? Bam! Fresh oil.

367
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,687
No such thing as fries that taste
like meat-tasting fish.

368
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,105
Poor people's fries

369
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,359
should be called Neapolitan fries.
It's got three flavors.

370
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:38,904
It's trans fries.
Born potato but identifies as beef.

371
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:48,789
I remember when I was little.
I'd say, "Mom,

372
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:51,083
one day I'll make lots of money."

373
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,169
"Afonso, shut up and do the dishes."
"But, Mom...

374
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:58,840
one day I'll make so much money
I'll never do the dishes again."

375
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,176
"Until then,
shut your trap and do the dishes."

376
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,179
"Mom, I'll make money
and we won't be poor anymore."

377
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,515
"Afonso, pay attention to your mother.

378
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:10,018
No matter how much money you make,
you'll always be poor."

379
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,688
"How so?" "Afonso, hear me out.

380
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,148
If you've ever really been poor..."

381
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:18,568
-"You remain poor at heart."
-Poor motherfuckers can't help it.

382
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:22,114
One hundred percent
of the times I did this show,

383
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,242
they can't help but say it.

384
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,702
It's unbelievable.

385
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:30,080
Sometimes you don't want to,
but it's stronger than you.

386
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,292
"If you've ever really been poor,
you remain--"

387
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,044
It's like we have to throw it up.

388
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,880
Once, I began to say it
and a mute guy in the corner--

389
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:46,888
I worked a miracle.

390
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,518
"If you've ever really--"

391
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:54,896
I never understood this saying, everyone,

392
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:58,275
until last January, at 30 years of age.

393
00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:01,028
"If you've ever been poor,
you remain poor at heart."

394
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:04,239
In January, I went to New York
to visit Times Square.

395
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,408
It was one of the best moments of my life.

396
00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:10,203
Thanks. I'm the one who owe you applause,
because you sponsored it.

397
00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,915
The first movie
I saw in the theater, everyone,

398
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:17,044
was Tobey Maguire's <i>Spider Man.</i>
It's the best one, from 2001.

399
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:21,173
In 2001, I went to watch
the best<i> Spider Man </i>movie<i> </i>ever made.

400
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:24,134
When I got there, as a young kid,

401
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:26,553
I was so obsessed. That huge screen--

402
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:30,015
They shot big scenes in Times Square,
and I kept thinking,

403
00:22:30,098 --> 00:22:31,892
"One day I'll visit this place."

404
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:34,394
In January,
I went with my brother Thiago Ventura.

405
00:22:34,478 --> 00:22:36,104
One of the best moments of my life.

406
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:39,524
Getting there, it was like 26 °F.
Thiago was shivering.

407
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,610
Being from Curitiba, I was fine.

408
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:45,072
Thiago was so cold. "Bro, I don't know.

409
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:47,866
My dick's not here,
it must have got stuck in customs."

410
00:22:48,784 --> 00:22:51,745
I was like, "What?"
He said, "Call me One Inchiago."

411
00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:54,122
It was damn freezing.

412
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:55,749
He said, "Let's go to our hotel."

413
00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:57,417
I said, "Let's go to Times Square."

414
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,419
"But I'll freeze to death!"

415
00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:00,921
I said, "No, Thiago.

416
00:23:01,004 --> 00:23:02,756
Let's go to Times Square."

417
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:04,591
"Alright, bro, whatever."

418
00:23:04,674 --> 00:23:07,928
We went there, and it was
one of the happiest moments of my life.

419
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:12,808
It was past 3 am when we got there,
it was snowing--

420
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:15,852
It was a very promising day.

421
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:18,772
I started to cry with my bro Thiago.

422
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:23,235
Because that was a dream come true
for my 14-year-old self.

423
00:23:23,318 --> 00:23:26,154
There I was beholding that sight
while hugging Thiago,

424
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,115
and the only thing I could think was,

425
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,784
"The electric bill
must be hella expensive."

426
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:36,206
That's when I saw what Mom meant.

427
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,917
"If you've ever really been poor..."

428
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:43,088
I hugged Thiago, "Fuck, bro."

429
00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:44,005
"It's insane!"

430
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,174
"It must be so expensive!"

431
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:48,385
He was like, "Damn, you're dumb."

432
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:50,971
"Why?" "They steal from next door."

433
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:55,767
Always hang out
with someone poorer than you.

434
00:23:56,726 --> 00:24:00,230
Then I understood
why you remain poor at heart.

435
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,190
No matter how much money you make,

436
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:05,610
If you've ever really been poor,
you remain poor at heart.

437
00:24:05,694 --> 00:24:08,196
Poverty is not a plot, it's the details.

438
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,449
Poverty is not macro, it's micro.

439
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:13,743
Poor people are just like rich people,
but poor.

440
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:18,957
It's true. You see poverty in the details.

441
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,542
That's where you see it.

442
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:22,878
Take a "regular" person,

443
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:24,963
send them to the moon and back.

444
00:24:25,046 --> 00:24:28,925
In the interview after they land back--
"So, what was it like?"

445
00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:32,220
They'll say, "It was one
of the best feelings I've ever had,

446
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,472
if not the best,

447
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:36,224
and I'm never going to experience
anything like it.

448
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:39,978
From up there,
I could see how little we actually are

449
00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:43,106
in this ever-expanding universe.
We're just passing through.

450
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:45,692
Every time I catch myself complaining--

451
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:47,903
I should be thankful
for being here at all.

452
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:51,114
When I leave this world,
the world will keep on going.

453
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:54,951
So, I should be just thankful
and do my absolute best

454
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:57,370
to leave my mark."

455
00:24:57,746 --> 00:25:01,374
That's a regular person.
Now, send a poor person up and down.

456
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:05,253
When they're back, they'll be like,
"It ain't worth it."

457
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:17,724
"What do you mean?"

458
00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:20,143
"It's just too much fuel."

459
00:25:23,104 --> 00:25:25,148
It's not a plot, it's the details.

460
00:25:25,232 --> 00:25:26,942
No matter how much money you make,

461
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:29,903
the poor will remain poor at heart.

462
00:25:29,986 --> 00:25:32,697
You'll always have a poor person's soul.

463
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:36,368
There will always be a sleeping Wesley
down here.

464
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:39,496
A Míriam--
Míriam is such a poor girl's name.

465
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:42,374
Poor and religious.
Míriams are born religious.

466
00:25:43,083 --> 00:25:47,546
They come out ready to preach,
with their long skirts and mason husbands.

467
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:53,009
That's the Míriam kit, what can I do?
They come like this by default.

468
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,557
Some people are remembering...

469
00:25:59,849 --> 00:26:01,977
"Fuck, Míriam <i>is</i> a fervent Christian!"

470
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:06,856
It's not a plot, it's the details.

471
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:08,483
Have you seen <i>The Exorcist?</i>

472
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,777
That child is not the devil.

473
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,613
But sometimes she is. Have you seen it?

474
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:15,865
She's seven or eight, she's not evil.

475
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:18,493
But sometimes she's like,
"I'm gonna kill you!"

476
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:21,788
Sometimes she's the devil.
Not always, but sometimes.

477
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,916
Just like the formerly poor guy.

478
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:26,835
Sometimes...

479
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,921
he'll let an "irregardless" slip,

480
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:32,007
a "supposably,"

481
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:33,925
a "God Almighty!"

482
00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:37,137
He'll call the waitress over to ask
if the refills are free.

483
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:41,016
"Do y'all have a dollar menu?" You know?

484
00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:44,644
Poverty is the details.

485
00:26:45,186 --> 00:26:46,146
It's the micro.

486
00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:51,443
Want to spot someone poor?

487
00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:54,529
Imagine two different people
standing side by side.

488
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:56,990
The two of them
have the same amount of money,

489
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:59,451
the same age, same gender.

490
00:26:59,534 --> 00:27:02,370
They're basically identical
and they're equally rich,

491
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,122
but only one of them used to be poor.

492
00:27:04,205 --> 00:27:07,125
How do you spot which one did?

493
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,377
Just observe them standing there.

494
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:10,670
Five minutes on,

495
00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:13,048
the one who's never been poor
will be standing normally.

496
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:15,383
The poor person will be like this. It's--

497
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,346
That's the poor person's handbrake.

498
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:22,724
One minute he's like this,
the other he's like this.

499
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:26,936
Soon he's judging people.
"Did you see Jackie got knocked up?"

500
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:29,939
It's the detail.

501
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:33,568
Poverty is the details.
Some things bring out the poor within you.

502
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,988
Hotel breakfast buffets. Jesus Christ...

503
00:27:37,072 --> 00:27:38,865
Wesley starts roaring.

504
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:42,410
"There's papaya," he says.

505
00:27:43,036 --> 00:27:44,579
"Hmm, there's papaya!"

506
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:47,540
At home, the papaya rottens.
But hotel papaya is just--

507
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:50,377
"It's good for your poop, eat it.

508
00:27:50,752 --> 00:27:53,838
Hmm, melon. Have some grapes.

509
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:56,633
Eggs, sausage, honey.

510
00:27:57,217 --> 00:27:59,761
Hold on, is that tapioca?

511
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:02,972
Grab some bananas for later."

512
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,188
Poor people will eat all they can.

513
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,191
Come hell or high water.

514
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,026
The place may be on fire.

515
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:18,530
"The hotel is on fire,
please evacuate the building."

516
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:22,075
"Fuck, it's 9:50 am!
Let's just grab some corn flakes!"

517
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:25,328
He comes back.
Corn flakes in hand, body on fire.

518
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,831
"Save the corn flakes!

519
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:36,881
I have to go back inside!
I can't-- I will!"

520
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,800
"Are you son in there?" "No!

521
00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:40,719
I saw yogurt!"

522
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:48,810
Poor people will eat all they can
no matter if it tastes good or not.

523
00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:51,020
I've stayed
in terrible hotels in the past.

524
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:53,815
This one time,
I called the reception to ask for a towel

525
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:55,984
and they said, "It's on the clothesline."

526
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,239
I answered, "Okay, can you hold the dog?"

527
00:29:03,366 --> 00:29:07,579
I went to get the towel and she said,
"Pick it all up, it's gonna rain."

528
00:29:09,622 --> 00:29:11,374
With all the clothespins.

529
00:29:14,210 --> 00:29:16,421
Treating the clean clothes like a corpse.

530
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:22,802
By the way, nothing messes
with the head of poor people like--

531
00:29:22,886 --> 00:29:25,555
"Is there life after death?"
"Does God exist?"

532
00:29:25,638 --> 00:29:28,641
None of these questions messes
with the mind of a poor person

533
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,478
like, on a cold day, at 6:30 am,

534
00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:34,773
walking up to the clothesline,
touching a shirt and thinking,

535
00:29:35,356 --> 00:29:37,233
"Is it wet or is it cold?"

536
00:29:47,410 --> 00:29:50,663
The guy is rubbing underpants
against his face at 6:30 am.

537
00:29:52,707 --> 00:29:54,501
Feeling if it has a fever.

538
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:57,378
And he never trusts himself.

539
00:29:57,462 --> 00:30:00,590
"Mom, is it wet or is it cold?"
She shoves it between her tits.

540
00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:09,557
"It's just cold."

541
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:13,812
You put it on and say, "It was wet, Mom!"

542
00:30:16,856 --> 00:30:19,442
Guys, I never skip the hotel's breakfast.

543
00:30:19,526 --> 00:30:23,321
Not even once.
I stay at hotels six times a week.

544
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:25,949
I always have breakfast,

545
00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:28,034
but I never want to.

546
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:30,537
God is my witness. Never.

547
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,082
I turn off my phone--
The shows always end late,

548
00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:36,543
people call you, you're all pumped up,

549
00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:38,628
you rub one off-- When I go to bed,

550
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,381
it's past 5 am. Breakfast is until 10 am.

551
00:30:41,464 --> 00:30:43,466
Physiologically, it's better to rest up,

552
00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:47,053
have lunch
and perform well the next night.

553
00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:48,263
So it turn my phone off,

554
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:50,849
leave the phone off the hook,
hang the "do not disturb" sign,

555
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:54,060
and think, "Bro, I'm not waking up.
For real.

556
00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:57,981
Fuck it. I won't have breakfast!"

557
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:00,942
At 9:45, I hear, "Wake up!

558
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,836
Won't you have breakfast?"

559
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:23,631
"Fuck off!

560
00:31:24,549 --> 00:31:27,302
I'm friends with Juca.
He'll beat the fuck out of you."

561
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:29,554
"Won't you--" "Who's there?"

562
00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:30,847
"I'm inside.

563
00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:32,932
Wesley."

564
00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:37,312
"But I'm not hungry!"
"It's not about hunger.

565
00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:39,105
It's free."

566
00:31:40,940 --> 00:31:41,858
Then...

567
00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,321
Then we go.

568
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:50,491
Poverty is not a plot,

569
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:51,784
it's the details.

570
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,871
Certain things
bring out the poor within you.

571
00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:56,623
The other day, I went on a date

572
00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:59,208
with one of the hottest girls I ever met.

573
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,711
Who knows why she accepted
to go out with me.

574
00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:04,255
It's actually been a long time,
I'll be honest.

575
00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:07,258
We went out to dinner
and hung out a little bit.

576
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,719
At some point, she said,
"Let's go to your place?"

577
00:32:09,802 --> 00:32:12,263
I was like, "Sure, let's go."
It caught me by surprise.

578
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:14,974
So, we headed back. It was a cold day,

579
00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:17,101
she went to my bedroom,
I went to the bathroom.

580
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:18,770
When I got into my bedroom,

581
00:32:18,853 --> 00:32:22,315
the prettiest, hottest girl I had ever met

582
00:32:22,398 --> 00:32:24,067
was lying on my bed.

583
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:26,194
I sat on my armchair facing her.

584
00:32:26,486 --> 00:32:29,405
She stared at me, I stared at her.

585
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:31,616
She stared at me

586
00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:34,786
with her beautiful face,
I stared at her with my face.

587
00:32:36,204 --> 00:32:40,124
She stared at me, I stared at her.

588
00:32:40,416 --> 00:32:42,543
And the only thing I could think was,

589
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:45,046
"Is she going to sleep
with her outside clothes?"

590
00:32:46,464 --> 00:32:49,884
I never thought,
"I'm gonna fuck this hottie."

591
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:52,887
It was all Wesley saying,
"That's so disrespectful!"

592
00:32:53,805 --> 00:32:56,975
Poor people have this chip implanted
in their brains by their mothers

593
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:59,185
about clothes. Outside clothes--

594
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:01,813
There's a hierarchy. Outside clothes,

595
00:33:01,896 --> 00:33:04,023
lesser outside clothes,

596
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:06,609
church clothes, aunt-visiting clothes,

597
00:33:06,693 --> 00:33:09,153
stay-at-home clothes,
stay-at-home brother clothes,

598
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,614
stay-at-home mom clothes,
and if you're really poor,

599
00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:15,702
your mom will eventually start cutting
your clothes into rags.

600
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,539
You're taking a dump and realize
you're stepping on an old t-shirt.

601
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,625
"I made my First Communion with this--

602
00:33:23,334 --> 00:33:25,920
Hey, Mom, this shirt received the host!"

603
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,887
I still have a separate pile
for outside clothes--

604
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:37,640
which is way shorter
than the inside clothes pile.

605
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:38,725
You're like,

606
00:33:38,808 --> 00:33:41,436
"Inside clothes are a bad influence!

607
00:33:42,770 --> 00:33:45,982
If I see you two together,
you're gonna pay for it!"

608
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:48,401
Some shirts are so overused

609
00:33:48,484 --> 00:33:51,154
that when you look at them,
they're like, "Not again!

610
00:33:52,321 --> 00:33:54,365
Choose another, motherfucker!"

611
00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:59,203
You look for it inside the wardrobe,
they're hiding like, "Shh!"

612
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:02,415
"Mr. Tank Top,
please don't tell him I'm here!

613
00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:07,336
Don't tell him! I'm so exhausted.
Look at how worn my neck is!

614
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:12,383
He doesn't take me off,
he thinks I'm a fucking tattoo!

615
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:14,719
Any idea how my life is like?

616
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,388
From washboard to drying rack,

617
00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:20,016
from drying rack to body,
from body to washboard--

618
00:34:20,099 --> 00:34:23,770
He doesn't even iron me.
'It will de-wrinkle on my body.' I won't!

619
00:34:25,688 --> 00:34:27,815
Don't laugh, Mr. Shorts. You're not used!"

620
00:34:32,653 --> 00:34:34,697
You know who must be feeling
really confused?

621
00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:37,575
The sweatpants. Mr. Sweatpants...

622
00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:40,828
must be so confused.
He was always meant to be indoors.

623
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:42,163
Out of nowhere...

624
00:34:42,622 --> 00:34:45,124
his career shot up.

625
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,377
He became a digital influencer,
goes to nightclubs.

626
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:51,089
"God, what am I doing here?"

627
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:57,345
I think clothes chat inside the wardrobe.

628
00:34:57,428 --> 00:35:00,473
"Damn, girl,
you're three months away from retirement."

629
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,726
"I was already passed on to the mother."

630
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:06,562
"Have you heard about Ms. Jeans?"

631
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,774
"What about her?"
"She turned into shorts."

632
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:18,741
Anyway, I started undressing
in front of the girl

633
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,785
to encourage her to undress too.

634
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:24,038
"Look what I do
with my outside clothes. Ha-ha!"

635
00:35:25,164 --> 00:35:27,875
She didn't flinch.
"Alright. Your clothes, your rules."

636
00:35:28,334 --> 00:35:29,544
Put it in the outside pile,

637
00:35:29,627 --> 00:35:32,755
wore some inside clothes just before sex,

638
00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,257
washed my dick in the sink--

639
00:35:36,425 --> 00:35:38,928
What? You're acting
like you didn't know we did it.

640
00:35:39,011 --> 00:35:40,388
Fuck you all.

641
00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:43,599
We show up with our shirt all wet--

642
00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:47,145
Come on, ladies.

643
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,730
Ladies,
if right before having sex with you,

644
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:51,899
the guy doesn't show up with a wet shirt,

645
00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:52,900
make no mistake:

646
00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:56,028
he either didn't wash his dick

647
00:35:56,779 --> 00:35:58,948
or he's very seasoned
and held his shirt up.

648
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:05,538
That's something
that only life can teach you.

649
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:11,127
Some young fellows
are looking at me like, "No way!"

650
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:16,215
Oh, fuck you, ladies. Don't tell me
you don't wash your pussies in the sink.

651
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:19,343
You don't?

652
00:36:19,844 --> 00:36:20,761
Really?

653
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:25,057
It must be like...

654
00:36:25,141 --> 00:36:27,518
doing laundry in the lake
in the old times.

655
00:36:30,062 --> 00:36:33,316
The pussy must get so startled
with the cold water. "Rosana!"

656
00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:37,695
"Rosa-- Rosana, I'm drowning!

657
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:41,824
Christ, I may smell like fish,
but I can't swim!"

658
00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:48,623
Anyway...

659
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,958
Soon's I get back from the bathroom--

660
00:36:51,626 --> 00:36:54,378
I wonder what the subtitles girl
will come up with for "soon's".

661
00:37:05,932 --> 00:37:07,600
"Soon's"?

662
00:37:08,559 --> 00:37:12,688
That's for you, subtitler.
"Soon's I" is "as soon as I."

663
00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:18,527
Soon's I open the door
and get into the bedroom,

664
00:37:18,611 --> 00:37:22,323
the prettiest, hottest girl I've ever seen

665
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:24,575
was lying on my bed in thongs...

666
00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:27,745
and with my outside t-shirt on.

667
00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:34,585
I got into the bedroom like, "Whoa!"

668
00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:37,713
"Ha-ha, like what you see?"

669
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:40,132
I said, "Ha-ha, of course, I bought it."

670
00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:43,427
"It looks good on me, right?"

671
00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,221
I said, "It looks better off you."

672
00:37:46,305 --> 00:37:47,390
She was like, "What?"

673
00:37:47,473 --> 00:37:48,766
I said, "Ha-ha-ha."

674
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:52,561
"I'll sleep with it."
I said, "The hell you will."

675
00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:54,939
She said, "What?"

676
00:37:55,022 --> 00:37:57,233
I said,
"Hell, you will feel uncomfortable."

677
00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,820
I opened the wardrobe and started
to pick up shirts from the indoors pile

678
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,154
like it was a thrift shop.

679
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:04,824
"How about this one,
full of holes and super comfy?"

680
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,786
"No." I said, "You won't be able
to say no to this one.

681
00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:10,621
It's so good, from NASA."

682
00:38:10,705 --> 00:38:14,333
"No." I said, "What about this rag
I stole from a hobo?"

683
00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:18,796
She said, "No.
Why? Don't you like this one?"

684
00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:20,756
I said, "I do, it's very nice."

685
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,509
"If you didn't like it,
come and tear it up."

686
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:31,600
I got dizzy, sat on the bed.

687
00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:37,606
She tried to kiss my neck,
I dismissed her advances.

688
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:41,402
"I'm not feeling it. I don't feel great."

689
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:45,156
She rubbed her pussy against my arm,
I said, "Will you stop?

690
00:38:46,866 --> 00:38:48,075
Leave me alone."

691
00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:51,245
She tried to grab my dick, I said, "Hey!

692
00:38:52,121 --> 00:38:54,040
No means no. Show some respect."

693
00:38:56,375 --> 00:38:58,044
She said, "You're so strange."

694
00:38:59,086 --> 00:39:01,672
I said, "Not as strange
as sleeping on outside clothes."

695
00:39:12,099 --> 00:39:13,059
She said--

696
00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:16,729
She dressed up and said,
"You know what? Fuck you. I'm out."

697
00:39:16,812 --> 00:39:18,481
I said, "Godspeed."

698
00:39:22,818 --> 00:39:25,905
I think poverty is hereditary.
My mom passed it on to me.

699
00:39:25,988 --> 00:39:28,532
I have an undesired poor person's mindset
thanks to Mom.

700
00:39:28,616 --> 00:39:31,410
Her genes-- It's basic math:

701
00:39:31,494 --> 00:39:34,121
poor dick plus poor cunt
equals poor child.

702
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,958
Poor dick plus rich cunt,
the child may be rich,

703
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:40,419
because the mother has a lot of weight.

704
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:42,755
Rich dick plus poor cunt,

705
00:39:43,297 --> 00:39:44,715
then it depends on the dick.

706
00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,927
If he says, "I've got to buy cigarettes,"
fuck, then it's a--

707
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:51,097
Mom has always been so poor.

708
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:53,391
Today, thank God we're doing well off.

709
00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,476
One of the biggest triumphs of my life

710
00:39:55,559 --> 00:39:57,520
is being able to provide for my mother.

711
00:39:57,603 --> 00:39:59,063
I'm so happy about it.

712
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:02,108
I work hard, and your money
has helped a great deal.

713
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:05,820
Really, I'm so happy
I managed to give Mom a beach house.

714
00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:08,406
She always dreamed
about having a beach house.

715
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:10,408
"What wouldn't I give
to have a beach house."

716
00:40:10,491 --> 00:40:13,160
Since I was very little, she would say,

717
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:16,414
"I love the beach, Afonso,
because I'm an Aquarius."

718
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,791
"You're a Poorius,
that's why you love it."

719
00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,043
"I was a fish in my previous life."

720
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:23,796
"That explains why your memory suck."

721
00:40:23,879 --> 00:40:26,507
"Afonso, one day, your old mother

722
00:40:26,590 --> 00:40:29,552
will be on her beach house
wearing a bikini." I was like--

723
00:40:32,513 --> 00:40:35,349
"I won't go visit you.
Not if you wear a bikini."

724
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:36,517
"It's my dream--"

725
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:37,935
She would always say that.

726
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:40,521
But as her kids started
to drop out of school--

727
00:40:40,604 --> 00:40:43,065
grade seven, grade eight,
and then there's me,

728
00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:45,317
who graduated from high school. Um--

729
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:49,572
As we got dumber, she gave up on her dream

730
00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:51,991
because she had to work hard
to provide for us.

731
00:40:52,074 --> 00:40:54,785
That's why it was such a big joy
to give her a beach house.

732
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,537
My producer helped me to surprise her.

733
00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:58,789
We went to a beach in Santa Catarina,

734
00:40:58,873 --> 00:41:02,293
saw the worst, cheapest house there was--

735
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:04,545
that your money could afford--

736
00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:07,506
I got that house and made her a surprise.

737
00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:10,468
I took photos, the property deed,
the keys, everything.

738
00:41:10,551 --> 00:41:13,929
Poor people only consider it theirs
when everything is palpable.

739
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:17,725
If it doesn't have their name on it,
it just can't be theirs.

740
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:20,561
So, with everything in hand,
I said, "It's time."

741
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:23,522
I took all the stuff,
the photos, the keys, the deed,

742
00:41:23,606 --> 00:41:25,649
and put it in a box very carefully.

743
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:30,154
We're usually not the emotional kind
because Mom didn't have time for that.

744
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:33,449
And I'd rather have lasagna
than a hug anyway.

745
00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:37,536
Someone buys me a pizza,
I say, "I love you too."

746
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:39,955
We sat together,
and I tried my hand at being cute.

747
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:43,501
I took the box, tied a ribbon around it,
handed it to her,

748
00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:45,753
she looked at me
with all her sensibility and said,

749
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:48,839
"If it's a prank,
I'm going to smash your face in."

750
00:41:52,092 --> 00:41:55,304
Because having a poor mother
is like adopting an abused dog:

751
00:41:55,387 --> 00:41:56,847
it never trusts you entirely.

752
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:59,308
"What are you doing?
You're up to no good!"

753
00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:03,479
I said, "Open it, Mom."

754
00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:05,272
"If it's a prank--" "Mom, open it."

755
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:07,316
"What if it's a dick?" I said, "What?"

756
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:10,027
"It could be a dick."

757
00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:12,488
"Why would I gift you a dildo?"

758
00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:14,698
She said, "I've seen the dildo prank.

759
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:17,159
The person opens the box
and is hit by a dildo."

760
00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:21,789
I said, "Who are you following
that posts dildo pranks?"

761
00:42:22,414 --> 00:42:24,083
She said, "It's stuff people share.

762
00:42:24,166 --> 00:42:26,460
If it's a dildo,
I'm going to spank you with it.

763
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,504
"What?" "You're going to take that dick!"

764
00:42:28,587 --> 00:42:29,964
I was like, "Whoa!

765
00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,383
"Stop talking about dick." "Afonso--"

766
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:34,635
I was like, "Mom, just open it."

767
00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:38,472
She handled it very carefully,
afraid of finding a dildo inside,

768
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:42,726
and saw that it was a key,
a deed, a picture,

769
00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:44,311
and said, "What's this?"

770
00:42:44,395 --> 00:42:46,188
"It's the beach house you wanted."

771
00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:48,607
That's when Mom started to cry.

772
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,026
The toughest person I've ever met

773
00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:53,404
started to melt in front of me,
crying her eyes out.

774
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:54,655
And I couldn't believe.

775
00:42:54,738 --> 00:42:58,033
My mom-- Lemon balm tea, we--

776
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:01,287
My mom would cycle to work
on 27-degree cold days.

777
00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:03,080
You know what that feels like?

778
00:43:03,163 --> 00:43:05,040
You get off the bike but--

779
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,543
look, your butthole stays on the saddle.

780
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:12,006
Suddenly, the toughest woman I've ever met

781
00:43:12,089 --> 00:43:14,258
was melting in front of me.
I didn't get it.

782
00:43:14,341 --> 00:43:16,677
As she cried and cried, I realized it.

783
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:18,554
I began to understand.

784
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:21,682
Imagine fighting to raise three children.

785
00:43:21,765 --> 00:43:24,310
You used to have a dream
that gradually deflated

786
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:26,061
to give way to other priorities,

787
00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:28,939
and one day your kids
make your dream come true.

788
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,734
By "kids" I mean me.
My brothers did nothing.

789
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:34,695
Kids, a.k.a. Afonso Padilha.

790
00:43:34,778 --> 00:43:37,990
Afonso made her dream come true.

791
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,702
She was crying out of pride
for having done a good work.

792
00:43:41,785 --> 00:43:45,372
She continues to cry,
I keep staring at her.

793
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:50,711
That was four years ago,
but I still get goosebumps.

794
00:43:50,794 --> 00:43:54,048
It was so moving
that I'll never forget when she said,

795
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:55,549
"Is it paid off?"

796
00:43:57,718 --> 00:44:00,512
I was like, "What a fucking dick.

797
00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:06,477
I should have given her a dildo instead."

798
00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:11,482
No, my mom is one of the most
incredible people I've ever met

799
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:15,069
because she's always been poor--
I was not my fault--

800
00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:17,154
and she always liked to help people.

801
00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:20,074
She's always been so altruistic.

802
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:23,994
She'd say, "We gotta help.
God will give back two-fold."

803
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:26,747
And I'd say, "Mom,
poor times poor is twice as poor."

804
00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:31,126
"No, Afonso. Share, and one day
God shall give you back two-fold.

805
00:44:31,210 --> 00:44:32,211
We gotta share."

806
00:44:32,294 --> 00:44:35,214
There's something
that I learned to do with her.

807
00:44:35,297 --> 00:44:37,341
In the first week of December,

808
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:39,968
Mom would gather all the kids,
Lincoln, Jean and me,

809
00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:42,763
and tell us,
"Pick your worst clothes for donation."

810
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,187
I'd say,
"My worst clothes are all of them!

811
00:44:51,105 --> 00:44:53,399
Close your eyes, reach inside the wardrobe

812
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:54,608
and pick whatever.

813
00:44:54,692 --> 00:44:58,070
Wanna take this trash? Be my guest.

814
00:44:58,153 --> 00:45:01,156
Just don't give yours away
because no one will wear it."

815
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:04,952
Then she'd kick my ass,
and I'd do as told but crying.

816
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:08,580
"Mom, this t-shirt you are seeing--

817
00:45:09,248 --> 00:45:13,335
Is it good or bad? I don't remember."

818
00:45:17,005 --> 00:45:18,841
Allow me to open a parenthesis.

819
00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:21,427
Remember when your mother would spank you

820
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:24,054
and make you do shit crying?

821
00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:27,891
You'd go sweep the front yard like,
"I don't know why Mom--"

822
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,814
Moms in the house: it doesn't matter
if your kid is in the wrong,

823
00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:38,902
once you spank them,
they're the most wronged person on Earth.

824
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:42,030
They'll be like, "I did nothing--"

825
00:45:42,531 --> 00:45:45,200
Mumbling in slow motion like, "But I--"

826
00:45:47,703 --> 00:45:49,705
"I was just--"

827
00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:54,334
Remember when Mom would spank us
and make us do the dishes?

828
00:45:54,418 --> 00:45:58,088
You'd sob and mumble like you were talking
to some imaginary friend,

829
00:45:58,172 --> 00:45:59,590
"I was just playing--

830
00:46:01,508 --> 00:46:03,385
I was just playing video game.

831
00:46:04,636 --> 00:46:06,138
Then Mom said,

832
00:46:06,221 --> 00:46:08,348
'Go do the dishes.'

833
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,560
Then I said, 'Wait up, Mom!

834
00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:15,063
Let me beat the final boss.'

835
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:19,818
Then she said, 'I'm the big boss...

836
00:46:20,736 --> 00:46:22,362
and I'm telling you

837
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:24,823
to go do

838
00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:27,034
the dishes.'

839
00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:30,704
Then I said, 'But Mom,

840
00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:33,081
just let me save.'

841
00:46:33,165 --> 00:46:35,709
And she said,
'You're no hero to save anything.'

842
00:46:36,251 --> 00:46:40,339
Then I said, 'I mean save the game, Mom.'

843
00:46:40,422 --> 00:46:42,758
And she said, 'Go do the dishes.'

844
00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:45,385
I said, 'Just let me die first.'

845
00:46:45,469 --> 00:46:48,180
She said, 'If you die, I'll kill you.'

846
00:46:49,306 --> 00:46:52,851
I said, 'Mom--' And she said, 'I'm not...

847
00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:56,146
gonna say it...

848
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:03,111
again.'

849
00:47:03,529 --> 00:47:06,406
Then she came and hit me
with the joystick."

850
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:19,962
I'm actually crying. Sad memories.

851
00:47:21,171 --> 00:47:23,382
Overwhelmingly void of affection.

852
00:47:24,216 --> 00:47:26,885
Remember when you would say,
"I'm going to run away!"

853
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:30,013
You know? "I didn't ask to be born!"

854
00:47:32,724 --> 00:47:33,892
That's a classic.

855
00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:36,061
"I didn't ask to be born!"

856
00:47:36,144 --> 00:47:37,771
Mom would always have a clapback.

857
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:40,315
Maybe she was a mother
in her previous life.

858
00:47:40,399 --> 00:47:43,527
It was so impressive. "I'll run away!"
"Take your brothers with you!"

859
00:47:46,238 --> 00:47:48,699
"I didn't ask to be born!"

860
00:47:48,782 --> 00:47:50,742
"I didn't want you to be born as well."

861
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:54,204
Once I said,

862
00:47:54,288 --> 00:47:56,206
"I...

863
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,751
would like to die."

864
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,255
She promptly answered,

865
00:48:03,338 --> 00:48:04,923
"Do the dishes first then die.

866
00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:10,429
And stop crying or I'll spank you harder."

867
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:33,785
You'd rewind the crying tape.

868
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,290
My little brother Jean, when Mom said,

869
00:48:38,373 --> 00:48:42,878
"Stop crying or I'll spank you."
He'd glitch the fuck out, "No--"

870
00:48:42,961 --> 00:48:45,339
My big brother would imitate a bike.

871
00:48:46,673 --> 00:48:48,550
I cracked up.

872
00:48:50,552 --> 00:48:52,554
He'd be like, "Stop it!

873
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:54,264
Stop it!

874
00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:57,517
Stop--" Mom would say,
"I'll spank the three of you!"

875
00:48:57,601 --> 00:48:58,560
I was like--

876
00:49:09,821 --> 00:49:12,199
Anyway, that was the parenthesis.

877
00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:14,451
Mom would gather the three of us...

878
00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:17,329
and tell us to pick our worst clothes
for donation.

879
00:49:17,412 --> 00:49:20,248
We'd pick it all up, give it to her,

880
00:49:20,332 --> 00:49:24,378
she'd take it, donate it to the church--
she's always been a dedicated Catholic.

881
00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:26,463
She'd also give tithe
to the Evangelical church,

882
00:49:26,546 --> 00:49:30,175
perform voodoo rituals,
and light up candles just in case.

883
00:49:31,009 --> 00:49:32,844
She'd take no chances.

884
00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:36,890
Covered all bases.

885
00:49:37,265 --> 00:49:39,434
But she gave the clothes
to the Catholic church

886
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:42,145
every year in the first week of December.

887
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:45,315
By the third week, because of Christmas,

888
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:49,027
the church would take those clothes
and donate it to poor families.

889
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:58,078
What a small world we live in, everyone.

890
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:01,456
In the first week we'd donate it,

891
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:04,459
two weeks later we'd get it back
all confused.

892
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,303
"Wow, Mom,
it's just like the shirt we donated."

893
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:19,307
God did give back two-fold,
I got this and one even worse.

894
00:50:21,309 --> 00:50:24,604
There's this one time when Mom--
I thought that--

895
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:28,025
We all have embarrassing stories
involving our parents

896
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,110
from when we were little.

897
00:50:30,402 --> 00:50:33,488
But I though these would stop
once I grew old.

898
00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:35,824
In December last year...

899
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:40,871
I took my mom to a resort
in Rio Quente, everyone.

900
00:50:40,954 --> 00:50:42,330
Caldas Novas, Rio Quente.

901
00:50:42,414 --> 00:50:45,042
I took my mom to Hot Park,
a very fancy hotel.

902
00:50:45,125 --> 00:50:46,585
It was her first fancy hotel.

903
00:50:46,668 --> 00:50:47,961
She took a dump in the dark

904
00:50:48,045 --> 00:50:50,630
because she didn't know
what the keycard was for.

905
00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:54,259
I kept my mouth shut
as the cleaning lady said,

906
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:57,804
"Rose, someone shat on the floor
in room 108 again."

907
00:51:01,224 --> 00:51:03,101
I was like, "Shh!"

908
00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,814
She said,
"Afonso, how do you shit in the dark?"

909
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,816
"I'm experienced with hotels, Mom."

910
00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:11,902
"Damn, I shat in the sink this morning."

911
00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:19,117
I went with Mom and Aunt Cida.
Aunty knew how it works.

912
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:22,120
Mom didn't,
and I forgot to show her around.

913
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:25,082
Poor people need a basic hotel tutorial.

914
00:51:25,165 --> 00:51:27,250
"To turn on the light, use the keycard.

915
00:51:27,334 --> 00:51:28,543
To take a shower,

916
00:51:28,627 --> 00:51:32,214
you don't turn the handle all the way,
it depends on the season we're in.

917
00:51:32,297 --> 00:51:34,299
"Seasoning? Like a salad?" "No, Mom!"

918
00:51:35,717 --> 00:51:39,179
"No, you gotta balance the amount
of hot and cold water so that...

919
00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:40,555
you have a good shower.

920
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:42,682
And finally, do you see that thing?"

921
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:44,893
"The dwarf fridge?" "It's called minibar.

922
00:51:45,435 --> 00:51:47,938
Don't ever get near it.

923
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:51,733
Not even if they say,
'We have kidnapped your son,

924
00:51:51,817 --> 00:51:54,486
hand out the Cokes in the--'

925
00:51:54,569 --> 00:51:56,029
Don't, Mom. Let them kill me.

926
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:57,781
Don't get near the minibar.

927
00:51:57,864 --> 00:52:01,660
One chocolate milk will cost us our car."

928
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:06,289
I forgot to give Mom this walkthrough.
I went with her and Aunt Cida.

929
00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:07,749
I was on room 101,

930
00:52:07,833 --> 00:52:10,836
Mom was on room 108, I think,

931
00:52:10,919 --> 00:52:13,171
and Aunt Cida was on room--

932
00:52:13,255 --> 00:52:15,340
Fuck her, she doesn't matter.

933
00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:18,718
She was there but played no part,
just like Dad. So--

934
00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:21,930
She exists but didn't participate.

935
00:52:22,013 --> 00:52:23,932
So, each one had their room.

936
00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:27,602
I was in my room for half an hour.
The hotel was great.

937
00:52:28,186 --> 00:52:30,063
Suddenly I hear an "Ouch!"

938
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,818
I got spooked. "Ou-ou-ouch!"

939
00:52:35,944 --> 00:52:38,363
I asked the reception to call room 108.

940
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:40,574
They called, Mom answered.
"Mom, are you okay?"

941
00:52:40,657 --> 00:52:43,201
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"

942
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:49,499
I said, "Is it expensive?"
"It's half of our water bill."

943
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:51,918
"That expensive?"

944
00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:55,172
"You can wash the driveway
for three weeks with this bottle."

945
00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:57,716
"Don't be exaggerated." "I'm not."

946
00:52:57,799 --> 00:52:59,092
"You can drink it."

947
00:52:59,176 --> 00:53:01,344
"I can't pull money out of my ass."

948
00:53:02,053 --> 00:53:04,306
I said, "Mom, don't be silly.
You know I'm working.

949
00:53:04,389 --> 00:53:07,434
You did so much for us, you deserve it.

950
00:53:07,517 --> 00:53:10,979
The least I can do
is provide you with some comfort."

951
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,232
She said, "Did you see
how much a bottle of water costs?"

952
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:17,527
"I don't care, I'll pay it."

953
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:20,071
"Are you a drug dealer?"
I was like, "What?"

954
00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:22,240
"I won't drink it.

955
00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:25,118
My organism might reject it and I'll die."

956
00:53:25,410 --> 00:53:27,495
"So drink from the tap."

957
00:53:27,579 --> 00:53:28,580
"I'm not that nasty."

958
00:53:28,663 --> 00:53:31,499
"So you're gonna be thirsty?"
"Let's go to the convenience store."

959
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:33,418
She made us go to the convenience store.

960
00:53:35,170 --> 00:53:39,633
We were in a hot spring resort
that God heated for us.

961
00:53:40,217 --> 00:53:42,594
"Sure, let's go. When we're back,

962
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:44,971
God will have cooled down the water
out of anger."

963
00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:46,431
"Let's go, I'm thirsty."

964
00:53:46,514 --> 00:53:49,601
You know where the nearest
convenience store we found was?

965
00:53:49,684 --> 00:53:50,602
Across the state.

966
00:53:52,854 --> 00:53:55,440
We had to go back and check out first.

967
00:53:58,526 --> 00:53:59,653
When we found it...

968
00:54:03,907 --> 00:54:06,660
we went in, Mom grabbed water,
cookies, some Tupperware--

969
00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:08,620
I still don't know why.

970
00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,789
"You're buying Tupperwares?"

971
00:54:10,872 --> 00:54:13,083
She said, "Márcia doesn't give mine back."

972
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:16,169
Every poor person
has a friend called Márcia.

973
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,296
If you don't, you are Márcia.

974
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:21,132
Then Mom said,

975
00:54:21,216 --> 00:54:24,010
"Shut up, I'll take it."
We headed to checkout.

976
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,179
I got all happy,
"We're finally going back."

977
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,265
She started staring at the ground coffees.

978
00:54:28,348 --> 00:54:29,391
"What are you doing?"

979
00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:31,393
"Looking for some instant coffee.

980
00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:34,312
You know I have headaches
if I don't drink coffee."

981
00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:37,065
I said, "Hey, Ms. Scrooge...

982
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:41,987
We're in a resort hotel.
You can have coffee all day."

983
00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:43,405
"I don't like to bother."

984
00:54:43,488 --> 00:54:45,991
I said, "It's a hotel, goddammit."

985
00:54:49,244 --> 00:54:50,078
It's a hotel, Mom,

986
00:54:50,161 --> 00:54:52,831
it exists so that you don't have
to be bothered yourself."

987
00:54:52,914 --> 00:54:55,125
"I didn't raise you
to treat others like that!"

988
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:59,713
She doesn't like to bother so much,

989
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:03,300
that the maid was cleaning up,
she said, "Girl, you don't have to!

990
00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:07,679
You can--
Leave that sheet right there, girl!"

991
00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:12,642
The maid was taking the wet towels--
"Don't, I'll just hang it to dry!"

992
00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:15,145
"Mom--" She said, "I'm taking it!"

993
00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:17,522
"You'll bother them worse
by asking for hot water.

994
00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:21,234
They probably have hot coffee
ready to be served."

995
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:23,236
She said,
"I won't ask nothing from nobody."

996
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:27,198
"You're making it with cold water?"
"No, I'll heat water in the micro-wave."

997
00:55:28,033 --> 00:55:30,618
I said, "Did you bring
a microwave from home?"

998
00:55:31,494 --> 00:55:34,164
She said, "Of course not.
There's one in the room."

999
00:55:34,247 --> 00:55:35,957
"Why do you have one, and I don't?"

1000
00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:39,753
"Because I'm your mother!" And just left.

1001
00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,965
Like it was a great comeback.
Dropped the mic and left.

1002
00:55:44,716 --> 00:55:46,551
I went after her, "Mom, just ask for it."

1003
00:55:46,634 --> 00:55:48,845
"No, I'll take instant coffee."
I said, "No!"

1004
00:55:48,928 --> 00:55:51,848
"I'm taking it!" "But there's no need to!

1005
00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:53,558
Mom, you won't take it."

1006
00:55:53,641 --> 00:55:56,353
Next thing I know,
we're heading back with coffee.

1007
00:55:57,228 --> 00:55:59,022
I was pissed that I gave in.

1008
00:55:59,105 --> 00:56:00,482
"Why, Mom?" "I want to."

1009
00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:01,733
"Mom, there's no need--"

1010
00:56:02,525 --> 00:56:03,860
We kept bickering.

1011
00:56:03,943 --> 00:56:08,239
We got back and went to our rooms.
Aunt Cida-- Fuck her, nobody cares.

1012
00:56:11,451 --> 00:56:13,119
I was so pissed with Mom,

1013
00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:15,538
but I physically can't get to curse her,
you know?

1014
00:56:15,622 --> 00:56:18,208
I was like, "That f-- old lady!"

1015
00:56:19,709 --> 00:56:21,169
This vein here pops up.

1016
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,421
"I'm gonna have a stroke
because of that old cu--

1017
00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:27,634
F-- that old frigging b--"

1018
00:56:27,717 --> 00:56:30,678
Half an hour later, I'm still,
"F-- that old c--"

1019
00:56:31,721 --> 00:56:34,682
Forty minutes later, I'm like,
"Let me go have coffee with her."

1020
00:56:36,017 --> 00:56:37,811
It's my mother, dammit. So what?

1021
00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:40,563
I knocked on the door, "Mom?"

1022
00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:42,857
She said,
"Want some coffee, son of a bitch?"

1023
00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:54,285
"How do you know?"
"You got out of my cunt."

1024
00:56:57,997 --> 00:56:59,499
Too much info.

1025
00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,710
She said, "Shut up and fix us coffee."
I grabbed the instant coffee like,

1026
00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:04,671
"F-- old wh--

1027
00:57:05,380 --> 00:57:07,549
That darn stupid b--

1028
00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:11,010
Looking for the microwave
while Mom was like--

1029
00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:22,355
And I'm like, "Damn old c--

1030
00:57:23,731 --> 00:57:25,483
Son of a b--"

1031
00:57:37,954 --> 00:57:40,582
She said, "Are you high, Afonso?"
I was like, "What?"

1032
00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:44,544
"Hanging out too much
with Thiago Ventura, right?"

1033
00:57:46,004 --> 00:57:49,132
"I'm just looking for the microwave
to make us coffee."

1034
00:57:49,215 --> 00:57:50,800
"Open the door, you idiot."

1035
00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:52,469
I opened it. "There," she said.

1036
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:54,762
I looked at it...

1037
00:57:55,930 --> 00:57:58,558
looked back at her
to see if she was fucking with me.

1038
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:03,480
"This?" She said,
"If it was a snake, it would've bit you."

1039
00:58:05,523 --> 00:58:07,567
I said, "If it was a microwave...

1040
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:10,278
it would've bit me too, but it's a safe."

1041
00:58:12,947 --> 00:58:15,617
Can you imagine? My mom...

1042
00:58:18,286 --> 00:58:20,914
mistook a safe for a microwave.

1043
00:58:20,997 --> 00:58:23,958
She was this close
to locking up a box of instant coffee.

1044
00:58:25,752 --> 00:58:27,253
She almost locked it,

1045
00:58:27,337 --> 00:58:31,257
and she would have typed in "130"--
not 1:30, because it's a safe--

1046
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,509
and she would just wait.

1047
00:58:32,592 --> 00:58:35,053
Five minutes later,
she'd have thought she had broken it.

1048
00:58:35,803 --> 00:58:37,013
But she wouldn't say nothing,

1049
00:58:37,096 --> 00:58:40,266
'cause if the water is expensive,
imagine that little microwave.

1050
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,436
She would tell me on our way back home.

1051
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:46,356
"I broke the hotel's little microwave.

1052
00:58:50,068 --> 00:58:51,319
I didn't tell them.

1053
00:58:51,402 --> 00:58:54,030
I won't sell my beach house
to pay them, Afonso."

1054
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:56,658
Do you realize what happened?

1055
00:58:56,741 --> 00:58:59,285
Imagine if I had complained
to the front desk,

1056
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,663
"How come Mom has a microwave
and I don't?"

1057
00:59:03,665 --> 00:59:05,792
You know? Luckily, I didn't.

1058
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:08,294
But I had a fit of laughter, everyone.

1059
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:12,048
'Cause Mom-- And when I crack up,
I don't know about your mothers,

1060
00:59:12,131 --> 00:59:14,467
but the more Mom tells me to stop,
the more I laugh.

1061
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,885
"Oh my God!"

1062
00:59:15,969 --> 00:59:18,555
"Stop laughing,
I'm going to give you a spanking."

1063
00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:21,474
"You're gonna hit me
with the microwave?" "Stop it!

1064
00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:24,561
Stop it, Afonso. Stop laughing."

1065
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:28,481
And I'm like,
"God, you mistook it-- You--"

1066
00:59:28,856 --> 00:59:32,193
"Stop laughing!" And I crack up even more

1067
00:59:32,277 --> 00:59:34,529
every time she tells me to stop.

1068
00:59:34,612 --> 00:59:37,365
"But what's the point
of having a safe in the room?"

1069
00:59:37,448 --> 00:59:39,367
"To store expensive stuff."

1070
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,911
"Oh, let me grab the water."

1071
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:46,249
Who can blame her?

1072
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:54,007
Three days later, we were leaving.

1073
00:59:54,090 --> 00:59:58,636
I had already checked out, Mom hadn't.
"Want help?" "I can handle it myself."

1074
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:00,847
She went to the front desk,
gave them her keycard.

1075
01:00:00,930 --> 01:00:02,724
"Have you consumed anything, ma'am?"

1076
01:00:02,807 --> 01:00:04,601
"No fucking way," she answered.

1077
01:00:05,977 --> 01:00:07,186
"Not even a bottle of water?"

1078
01:00:07,270 --> 01:00:09,731
"Only if I pulled money out of my ass."

1079
01:00:10,189 --> 01:00:11,733
"Not even a chocolate?"

1080
01:00:11,816 --> 01:00:14,986
"Hell no, it'd make me thirsty."
That's her being smart.

1081
01:00:16,112 --> 01:00:17,614
"It'd make me thirsty."

1082
01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:21,618
"Nothing? Alright then." Mom said, "Nope."

1083
01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:24,454
The guy picked up the radio,
"Consumption check, room 108."

1084
01:00:25,121 --> 01:00:28,041
My mom got possessed.
"Are you calling me a liar, sir?

1085
01:00:29,542 --> 01:00:31,294
Are you doubting me?

1086
01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:35,131
I'm poor but I'm honest.
I never stole nothing, just so you know."

1087
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:38,051
Poor people say "just so you know."
"Just so you know...

1088
01:00:38,426 --> 01:00:42,138
I never stole anything.
Are you doubting me?"

1089
01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:44,098
I saw her and headed out.

1090
01:00:44,182 --> 01:00:46,392
"I'm too old
for this kind of embarrassment."

1091
01:00:47,226 --> 01:00:49,145
She kept screaming,
"I never stole anything,

1092
01:00:49,228 --> 01:00:52,315
I've worked for rich people,
I've been through a lot,

1093
01:00:52,398 --> 01:00:55,526
I cleaned the house of a politician
who made a fortune,

1094
01:00:55,610 --> 01:00:56,861
I never stole.

1095
01:00:56,944 --> 01:01:00,198
My kids had no mixture, no milk,
drank lemon balm tea,

1096
01:01:00,281 --> 01:01:01,491
and I never stole--

1097
01:01:01,574 --> 01:01:04,911
My boys are all grown up,
never messed with drugs.

1098
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:07,747
Two of them smoke pot,
but I have nothing to do with it.

1099
01:01:09,123 --> 01:01:11,459
They're straight-up boys, I never stole--"

1100
01:01:11,542 --> 01:01:15,129
The guy was getting uncomfortable,
Mom wouldn't stop screaming,

1101
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:18,508
Aunt Cida was somewhere nobody cares,
Mom kept freaking out--

1102
01:01:18,591 --> 01:01:22,637
The guy said, "It's standard procedure."
"Slender creature my ass!"

1103
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:25,682
He said, "Ma'am, calm down.
I'm just asking--"

1104
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:29,394
"You're doubting me!"
"No! I ask because the mini fridge

1105
01:01:29,477 --> 01:01:31,979
is a courtesy to Padilha's family."

1106
01:01:34,148 --> 01:01:36,859
She reacted
exactly like you poor motherfuckers.

1107
01:01:37,318 --> 01:01:40,446
Exactly. As soon as he said it,
she was like--

1108
01:01:41,489 --> 01:01:44,450
The front desk guy say, "Well, yeah."

1109
01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:45,868
Mom said,

1110
01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:48,621
"Lend me the keycard,
I think I forgot something."

1111
01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:52,834
Everyone, thank you so much.
My name is Afonso Padilha.

1112
01:01:53,835 --> 01:01:58,214
It was so, so great
to be here with you today.

1113
01:01:58,297 --> 01:02:01,008
Thank you so much for coming.

1114
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:02,969
I can't say how happy I am.

1115
01:02:03,052 --> 01:02:04,345
Thank you so much.

1116
01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:06,347
Thanks for coming.

1117
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:07,515
Thanks a lot.

1118
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:24,699
Subtitle translation by Othelo Sabbag