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[Christmas-style music playing]
[Matías] Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar,
better known as the three Magi.
Oh, please!
Nobody ever saw them doing magic, as far as I know.
They only get out of here when it's manger time,
which is pretty soon.
I am Matías, "good old Mat,"
and I'm hiding, because it is December 7th.
DECEMBER 7TH, 2019, LITTLE CANDLES DAY
It's Little Candles Day, the day Christmas officially begins.
It's when the family I live with goes crazy,
and I already have a hard time dealing with Bogotá's madness.
I'm an easygoing cat from the Caribbean
unlike the Morales Bocanegra family.
[upbeat music playing]
[Matías] This guy is Juan Morales, the father of the family.
Employee of an insurance company and like Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar,
he does magic in his spare time.
Believe it or not, right now, this guy is putting it all on the line.
He will have the weirdest Christmas the Morales family ever had.
[grunting]
I got this. Don't worry.
[panting]
Where are all the beautiful, happy accountants?
[laughs]
Good morning, especially to you, Mr. Londoño.
We want to welcome you and tell you how very happy we are
that you're now the company's majority shareholder.
Okay, let's get started.
You guys are about to experience some
tropical magic.
-[scattered laughs] -The mind is a powerful tool.
I'm going to use it to turn an inanimate object into organic matter.
This is just a regular stapler.
But thanks to the powers I've acquired directly from the Magi,
it will turn it into…
a bunny!
Please be silent and focus, the artist's life is in danger.
[suspenseful music playing]
[recites spell in gibberish]
[all laugh]
Weird bunny, no?
It looks like a stapler.
[scattered laughs]
But it's a bunny, right?
[man] What's the stapler's name?
-Joselín Joselín! Come back! -[man] What a clown!
Stop that bunny! Don't let it escape!
Joselín! Joselín! Stop! You'll get lost!
Come get your carrot! Come back! Joselín! Bunny!
[muttering]
-No bunny? -No, sir. I can't find it.
I searched up to the fourth floor, even the fifth floor.
This place or the audience must've scared it.
Or maybe it's just a shy bunny.
Sorry about my comments earlier, I just tried to lighten things up.
No problem.
That's quite all right, sir. I should apologize to you.
I don't know what went wrong. I had totally mastered that trick.
[grunts] Why?
Sorry. I apologize, sir.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Juan Morales.
I've been in the accounting department for ten years,
but…
I'm actually…
A magician?
[laughs]
Just an amateur for now,
but I am eager to make it to the big leagues.
How interesting.
Yes, forgive the impudence, sir, but I go on vacation today,
and who knows when we'll meet again.
I know you own some hotels in Vegas, so I thought…
Know what I missed the most living abroad?
Christmas.
Really?
When I was a kid, we lived in a very small house,
we were very poor.
But in December,
everything changed, things became brighter.
Christmas is really…
I really enjoyed the novenas,
the manger, the Christmas carols,
the custard, the fritters.
All the simple things my mom cheated on poverty with.
You have no idea how much I miss and need all those moments.
And he is coming here to pray the novena with us?
And it needs to be the greatest classic family novena…
not just in the world, in the universe!
The poor guy looked so sad.
The memories of his childhood hit him really hard.
I saw my chance to ask him over, and against all odds, he said yes.
Is the guy really loaded, Dad?
[Juan] Watch the lights! We have no more.
-We need to check them. -Yes, he's really loaded.
The guy's so filthy rich,
the bank calls him every week to withdraw cash
-when their vault gets low. -No way!
The best part is, he owns hotels in Vegas.
We had a little chat.
He didn't rule out the idea of giving me a job in Las Vegas.
-What? -[Juan] Yes.
-As a magician? -Yes.
I'm not going all the way to Vegas to be a CPA.
You're a much better CPA, Dad.
-Mónica! -You've seen him!
Only because of a lack of opportunities.
-True. -But guess what I feel?
My ship's coming in. I don't feel it, I know it.
It's my time to shine.
We're going to dazzle him this evening.
And we're going straight to Vegas to work there.
You're dressed just right for Vegas.
-And me? -You'd look great on a poster.
We'll work in the entertainment capital of the world
for one, two years, make some money.
-We'll be millionaires. -Not yet.
We'll make enough to set up a family business,
and then, straight to the top
in the big leagues.
-A candle. -A candle, Margot.
-It's Christmas. There must be one! -Now!
-There! -A candle. Calm down. Calm down.
Hold the candle, Mónica. Let us pray.
Let's ask the Immaculate Conception to grant us this wish.
Please, make my dream of becoming a magician
and giving my family a better future
come true.
Please, pray with a lot of faith.
Hi, there, you fools. How's my beloved family?
-Sami? What are you doing here? -My baby!
[Mónica laughs]
Why didn't you tell us you were coming?
[with Argentinian accent] So I could tell you in person.
It's a surprise.
What's with the weird accent?
Dad, remember when this weirdo
came back from his Mexican school trip?
[with Mexican accent] What's up, homies? All good, yeah?
Or Spain, where he met Grandma's lover?
[with Spanish accent] Gosh, dude. Spain is the dog's bollocks.
-Or when… -Yeah. Got it.
Tell us what's going on?
-Want to know? -Yes!
Listen up.
I dropped out of the Argentine music school.
I fell for this hot Colombian chick. She's wild, Dad!
She's back in Colombia, and I want to marry her.
Good for you, little brother.
Speaking of which, I got a new guy too.
-What? -What?
His name is Destroyer.
Yes, Mom, but his dad is loaded, and he wants to meet you guys.
-[cell phone ringing] -[Margot] My mother!
Destroyer? Of course that's the new boyfriend.
Be quiet.
Mom. Hello. Mom.
I'm in Colombia.
Why didn't you say you were coming?
Why? Because I wanted to surprise you.
I'm with my fiancé who's on a business trip.
-Where are you? -At a hotel.
Can I stay with you guys for a few days?
-Is that a problem? -No, this is your home too.
Does your dumb husband think so too?
-[whispers] What? -Mom's coming to stay with us.
Here?
[Christmas music playing]
[Gustavo] Hi, I'm here. We need to talk.
For Pete's sake! Why didn't you tell me you were here?
I'd have fixed a little something for you.
Why didn't I? Because…
the less we're seen, the better.
-We need to keep a low profile. -Sorry. You're right.
I'll be on the coast.
I'll call you when I get back to discuss the future.
Dad, just tell me where and when, and I'll be there.
-You know I love you. -[hangs up]
-Amigo. -Hello. Dad?
Brigitte, come here!
Is your dad here?
Yes. He wants to discuss the future. The future, Brigitte!
Come here. Close your eyes.
Let's ask the Immaculate Conception to please
make Baby Jesus grant me my wish of showing my dad
that I'm not the moron he thinks I am.
Let me help you, Heriberto.
-Close your eyes. -Yes.
[Ortiz] Don't you celebrate the holidays, Lieutenant?
[González] I find them boring and annoying.
Don't you have anyone to share them with?
Don't you have a lady neighbor, an ex, a lover, somebody?
An ugly cousin or something?
I was born and raised alone. Any problems with that?
[bangs loudly]
Orduz the Corrupt is in town.
We think he's here for the holidays to meet his partners
and set up a huge money-laundering scheme.
We have no idea who he is or what he looks like.
But guess what?
They're giving you guys the job.
Thanks.
Do you see, Lieutenant?
This is your big break to catch the Corrupt.
Your perfect chance to get your promotion.
Here.
Pray to the Immaculate Conception for that miracle.
-I'm an atheist. -[blows]
Ah, right, I wondered…
if you weren't…
[clears throat]
…a religious person.
[blows]
-Mónica. -Don't… [screams]
[Mónica] Weirdo scumbag!
-I don't know, Margot. I don't know. -You don't know what, Juan?
If you want a family Christmas for that guy,
the kids and even my mom need to be here.
Without meeting Mónica's new boyfriend first?
Or Samuel's girlfriend?
Without knowing who your mom's latest victim is?
Are you ashamed of us, Juan?
Do you want to hide them?
What? No. I don't want to hide them!
How could I want that?
I'm the proudest dad there ever was.
But think about what's at stake with Londoño if anything goes wrong.
You need to trust me and the kids on this.
And even my mom.
Yes, you're right.
Come.
[Juan] Listen up, guys!
We want Mr. Londoño to have the best Christmas in the world.
No, not just the world.
[all] In the universe!
For him to feel the spirit of…
Ow!
[Juan] Mónica!
So we need to work as a team.
Mónica will do the manger.
Samuel, you do the music. Carols, nothing gloomy.
And Mom, fritters and custard.
-What? I don't… -You make them so yummy.
She's great at it.
And Dad's in charge of the entertainment.
Magic and comedy. [laughs]
[laughs]
Maybe just magic.
We'll make this a special evening.
And make Mr. Londoño feel like he's part of a family.
Okay?
["No te Agache' en Navidad" by Julián Cerati playing]
[music stops]
DECEMBER 16TH, FIRST NOVENA DAY
[Samuel singing] ♪There's a crafty old man Right under your nose ♪
♪ But his rosy red cheeks Are hiding a thorn ♪
♪ If you show up here yelling Ho, ho, ho! ♪
♪ You better watch out You dirty old man ♪
♪ Stay away from my house this Christmas ♪
♪ Screw you, Santa Claus ♪
♪ Or I'm going to smash That cute nose of yours ♪
♪ For all the presents I never got ♪
♪ Screw you, Santa Claus ♪
I have to admit it's original.
-Mm-hmm. It's called "Screw You, Santa." -Okay.
Ah. I've got another Christmas carol.
"Christmas Busts my Balls." Want to hear it?
Balls. Right. Balls.
No, but you see-- Listen, Sami.
I think the lyrics are a bit inappropriate for this time of the year.
I'd try to avoid the foul language and negative attitude.
-But that's just me, okay? -No, no, Dad.
It's precisely that critical thinking that makes the song
special, unique, important.
-Balls? -Balls.
Balls.
[Mónica] I'm done!
[laughing excitedly]
-[Christmas carol plays] -Ta-da!
[laughs] Dad, this is so awesome!
These are all the banks.
The financial district, and a cool World Center.
Plus a private heliport for top investors and executives.
-Top executives and investors? -What nonsense!
And where's the manger where Baby Jesus is born?
I could put some slums on top of the hill for them to squat in,
but it ruins the whole concept. Is it really necessary?
Yes, and replace the execs with some shepherds,
and the investors with the Magi. Now!
Do it yourself!
What was our agreement?
We were supposed to be a team! But it's all "Screw You, Santa."
Out of the way.
-No! -A money star!
As an atheist, I only believe in the god of money.
-[loud explosion] -[Mónica screams]
-[objects clattering] -[Margot grunting]
I've had it! I'm a lousy cook! Christmas dinner is rice and eggs.
[Mónica] We need a new plan here.
-Breathe, Mom. -It was just an accident.
-Accident? She almost blew us up. -We stick to our plan!
[doorbell ringing]
-That must be Destroyer! -[all] Who?
My boyfriend. Don't you dare make me look bad.
-Boyfriend? -Let's see the brother-in-law.
[Mónica] Destro!
Mwah!
-[Margot] That's your boyfriend? -Yes, Mom, Destroyer.
Come in, baby.
[yells]
We'll never know why he's called Destroyer.
-Thank God! Hallelujah! -We don't need any eggs this week.
No, no, no. Dad, stop. That's Rosalba.
The sin for which I left Argentina.
-Want a drink? -No, no, thank you.
I don't even drink the communion wine. Lemonade is fine.
-Take me soon, Lord! -I do not know.
-That's from your side of the family. -My family? Leave my mom alone.
-She is a nun, son! -No, Dad, she's a woman first.
Yes, but a woman who gave her love to the Lord.
To God, not to men. Samuel, please.
No, I'm working on a song asking her to leave the convent.
It's called, "Let Me See the Treats You Hide Under your Habit."
[laughs]
-[Juan] Mónica! -What?
Why is he called Destroyer?
He looks like a serial killer from a movie,
not like a nice guy from a nice family.
Dad, his full name is Destroyer Urrutia Pombo.
His dad owns a big European construction company.
I guess his dad is so busy
he has no idea what that kid is up to.
Deal with it, guys.
Destroyer will be your grandchildren's father.
You're a kid. Get rid of those ideas.
[doorbell rings]
My mom is here!
-Grandma? -[Margot] Call her Amalia, not Grandma.
-Amalia! -That's all we needed.
[door bell continues ringing]
-Hi. -Grandma.
What did I say?
-It's not Grandma. It's Amalia. -[Mónica] Amalia.
[Mónica] This is great. Are you staying with us?
Of course. For a few days.
I just want you to meet my fiancé, Martín Guerra.
[sensual music playing]
[Martín] Nice to meet you.
[Ñato laughs] Girls, you asked for it.
Let's meet the boss.
Let me see you. Gorgeous!
Watch it. Don't call him "Corrupt." He hates it.
Holy Father! Daddy. Dear Daddy!
I mean it! I'm so glad to see you!
[clears throat]
How are you, Heriberto?
Fine, Dad. Nice to see you. You look great.
Meet Astrid, Mayerli. Say hello, girls.
Nice to meet you.
Party time, Dad. Look what I got you for the novenas.
Can we have a minute, please?
-With the girls? -Come on, Heriberto.
Hold on, girls.
How dare you come here with these women?
Keep a low profile, remember?
But Dad, I thought maybe…
Stop showing off like this, you moron.
Our business depends on not attracting any attention.
Sorry, Dad.
Get rid of them so we can talk. I don't have all day!
Yes. Uh…
Girls!
-Go over there. That's so rude! -Yes, Dad.
Girls.
[sighs]
-Martín's been modeling for ten years. -Fifteen, baby.
Right, 15 years, on the covers of international fashion magazines.
-Only about 50. -[Amalia] But he's more than a cute face.
He won the Pan-American Triathlon twice.
Plus he owns several hotels and restaurants in Miami.
In Madrid and Rome too, bella.
And he's in Bogotá to invest in the country.
[in English] I love Bogotá.
[in Spanish] I'll check the fritters. Be right back.
Go ahead. Fritters are what matter most.
Honey, it's your lucky day.
Martín is an international chef.
He'll help you with all the stuff in the kitchen.
So don't worry.
No, Dad. Could you repeat that?
Idiot! [groans]
Right. I'll tell you for the umpteenth time!
Traditionally, the third generation of people like us
is the one that ends up becoming law-abiding again.
You must look after your wife and son, my grandson.
-Yes, but our "marshmallow" business… -No!
We need to be two steps ahead.
We're going to invest money in hotels like this.
In less than two years, we need to invest as much cash as possible
in legitimate businesses, is that clear?
I thought…
I came here to infiltrate the cops and delete whatever they have on us.
Lieutenant González seems to be in charge,
but I know how to contact him.
And I want to hire this fabulous guy.
Some poor wannabe magician who is heaven-sent,
he's the ideal front man for my money-laundering scam.
A magician? I can help you, Dad.
-Yes!. -Sure. Remember that box--
-Yes. But know how you can help me? -How?
By staying out of it and keeping quiet.
-And I want you to finish school. -No, Dad. Why study? I suck at it.
You don't suck at it. You're stupid!
But make the effort.
I need a diploma to prove you at least finished grade school.
-Fine. -One more thing.
Now that I'm here, I want us to have a family Christmas.
-Together? -Yes.
-As a family? -My grandson phoned.
-Oswaldito? -To complain about you.
About what?
He says you're never at home. I believe him.
You're out partying all the time with those easy girls you like.
No, Dad. What easy girls?
-They're friends. I'm surprised-- -Don't be. I'm not surprised.
Brace yourself, we're spending Christmas with your wife and my grandson.
Dad, what did you say again after "traditionally"?
For Pete's sake!
[knocking on door]
-[man] I got it, Mr. Juan. -I was getting worried. Where were you?
What took you so long?
Mr. Juan, the thing is,
it's hard to find a trained bunny in December.
-Where's Joselín? -I guess he got bored.
He had been looking dejected, like he wanted to retire.
Germán won't give you any problems. He's such a smart bunny.
I hope he's the world's smartest. My guest is very special.
I need to dazzle him, as he's my ticket to Vegas,
and to make it in the big leagues.
What do I owe you?
[Lucho] Eh…
Can you maybe bill me later?
No worries. It's your Christmas present.
You're always nice to me.
Isn't he cute?
Gorgeous. I'm speechless. This is awesome.
I need to go.
There's a Superman in the kitchen stealing the show.
I need to go regain control. Go on.
Call me if you need anything, Mr. Juan.
-Luchito. -Yes, sir.
Who's with you for the novena?
No one, Mr. Juan. I'm all alone in this city.
[Lucho chuckles]
Shouldn't you explain it to Trashy yourself?
Tell him that due to family issues
you can't spend Christmas in the Bahamas.
I can't. As my lawyer, you know this is an important meeting.
And an awesome Christmas party.
He's even flying some floozies in from Brazil.
You need to understand
our priority is what Mr. Gustavo, your dad, wants.
What's with Dad anyway? He's getting old.
-You think I should quit the business? -He has his reasons.
We must show him the business is great.
That's why I need a meeting with Trashy in the Bahamas.
What about your dad? He wants a family Christmas.
-The kid's been whining again. -Oswaldito?
Yes, but I have a plan to distract him.
I need you and the guys to do it.
And who are the guys?
Giggles, Eternal Hangover, Blackout…
prove that they're more than just gunmen. [laughs]
I have this great plan. Call them, I need to do it now.
This is awesome.
-Cow or bull? -Cow.
-How do you know? -Because of the…
-Get two cows and a bull for the manger. -Mm-hmm.
-What happened here? -What happened?
An accident?
Don't worry. Don't panic. The first thing we need to do, girls…
is clean the kitchen.
Yes, clean the kitchen.
Luchito's staying for dinner.
-Hi. -Luchito, nice to meet you! Martín.
-A pleasure. -[Lucho] Same.
The key word here is créativité. Creativity, if you don't speak French.
Please pay attention. He's a genius.
Why complicate things? We can work with what we have.
Right, work with what we have.
Allez, allez, allez. I need a team here.
-You. -Me?
-The moustache guy. -Juan?
-Juan. -Juan! Juan, Juan.
You will organize and clean up.
Clean and organize.
While Margot and I decide what to prepare this evening.
How about…
rabbit in garlic sauce?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Germán has a vital mission tonight.
Who?
-Germán the bunné. -The what?
[Matías] People can be so weird at Christmas,
and in this story nobody was who they seemed to be.
I was the only one to see that, but I kept quiet
to see how they'd get out of the mess they were getting into.
-Meet my son. Baby, look. -Thanks.
-This is him. -Nice to meet you. I'm Alirio Satizábal.
-Gustavo Ortiz. -Thanks.
Alirio organizes trips to Rome and the Holy Land,
following the steps of our blessed Lord Jesus.
That's interesting.
He lives in Lima, but he is visiting Bogotá.
Since he's on his own, I said,
"Let's pray the novena together."
I thanked her, but I can't. I have a meeting with my boss.
-Too bad. You should've stayed. -Young man? Young man.
Your mom says you're a cop?
That's right. Why?
He wants to sell them his travel packages.
They're awesome and affordable.
I can offer the National Police a special price.
I could speak with the entire top brass with your help,
and with a good amount of travelers
your ticket and your mom's would not be a pecuniary issue.
-A what? -It'd be free.
Awesome! Thank God for this opportunity!
Thank God, Mom. Where are my sisters?
Remember I told you about Rosalba?
-She was in Argentina. -Yes.
She brought some packages from Buenos Aires
for the Carmelites nuns and stayed for the novena.
Sweetie!
You have a parrot too?
I call my daughter that to bug her.
I haven't seen them.
This is important, Mom. I invited my boss to the novena.
From the Police?
Yes, I'm a cop.
My boss looks tough, but he's really soft inside.
-Your boss? -Yes, my boss.
Give him a chance. The guy is all alone in the world.
The holidays hit him hard.
This is God-sent, honey!
If he's all alone in the world,
let's introduce him to Rebeca, who's alone too.
-Kill two birds with one stone. -Yes, perfect!
I'm going crazy with two old-maid daughters.
And let's be honest. Rebeca's missed the boat.
[doorbell rings]
That must be my boss.
-Hi, Ortiz. -Welcome. Glad you could make it.
-My mom. -How do you do.
Asunción Ortega, the widow of Mr. Ortiz. This is Alirio Satizábal.
-Lorenzo González. It's a pleasure. -No, the pleasure's mine.
And here is the queen of the house.
Rebeca. Give me your foot, honey.
[Asunción laughs]
No more with the parrot stuff, Mom.
How are you?
Awesome, now that you're here. Thanks.
[upbeat music playing]
[exclaiming] So good!
I love it, Giggles! Where's the airplane?
[imitates airplane] Sweet deal, Boss!
This is awesome! I love it!
-What's this? -The labs, sir.
A headquarters for the guys.
The clandestine airstrip. Nicely cultivated plants.
And the manger where the Lord Jesus will be born.
I love it.
And a bunch of hit-men to protect Baby Jesus and the Magi.
Excellent.
-Good news. -What?
I even made hideouts.
-Where? I don't see them. -Exactly, Boss.
-"Exactly, Boss!" Great! -[laughs]
And the music?
Of course. "Silent Night" and "El Burrito Sabanero."
Great! Great!
-[suspenseful music playing] -[Ñato] Eh…
Counselor.
Did you get the 235 toys the kid wants?
Yes, sir.
Okay. Uh…
Can we practice the "Ho, ho, ho"?
[inhales]
[flatly] Ho, ho, ho.
No, counselor. This has to be perfect.
A little deeper?
Ho, ho, ho.
[inhales]
Ho, ho, ho.
Good! Everything must be perfect.
If Oswaldito is happy and stops whining to Dad,
we can do whatever we like for Christmas. Hmm?
The kid will be here soon.
Hide, counselor, Brigitte is with him. It's a surprise.
[Ñato] What's that?
Balls, Boss.
Balls. Boss.
[Juan] Everything is ready.
-Are you sure that bunny… -Germán. Germán.
Will Germán do what we need?
Sure, he's a trained bunny. Look at him.
Good, he'd better.
I failed Mr. Londoño once.
If I fail twice, I'll ruin my chance of making it in the big leagues.
We're gonna rock. Right, Germán?
[doorbell ringing]
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, amen.
Please let them rock so they can take me to Vegas with Germán--
Hey! Quit the crap and move it!
[Matías] As my grandpa, who was wiser than me, used to say,
we cannot judge a book by its cover.
[Juan] Meet my family.
My son Samuel is an artist too.
-Singer-songwriter. -Say hello.
How are you, sir?
-Stop. She's the nun from the convent. -Glory be to God, brother.
-This is… -My boyfriend.
Ah! Whatever.
[Juan] They call him Destroyer.
-Urrutia Pombo. -Why?
[Juan] My daughter.
Mónica Morales. I have some business ideas…
-Stop it! -[yelps]
[Juan] And she is…
-This is the old one. -What?
My adorable mother-in-law.
[Amalia] Exactly.
-A pleasure to meet you, ma'am. -"Miss," please.
-Miss? Sure. -Yes.
Look who's here. Oh.
She-- Come here.
This is my wife Margot. The light of our home.
Thank you, you're too kind. Picture time?
-[Juan] And this is… -My fiancé Martín.
-Guerra. Hi. Who's that? -[Juan] And this is Luchito.
What's up, man?
Luchito is the family's… very confident friend.
And that's it. That's all of us.
Yes. All of us.
Basically.
[chuckles] Well, what a…
diverse family, I dare say.
-But lovely. -Ah…
[Mónica and Juan laugh]
Congratulations…
-Juan. -Juan. Juan.
[laughs]
[slowly reading] "Oh, Divine…
Child…
come to…
come to teach us…
the pru…
teach us pru…
the prudence
that makes us…
makes us true…"
Truly wise men.
Come to our souls, do not delay.
Come…
[Brigitte] I'd better read the novena in front of the kid.
Why?
You're his father figure,
and seeing you read like that will make him lose it.
I don't think so!
I have another surprise for you. Music, boys.
One, two, three, four…
[all singing off-key] ♪ Come, come ♪
♪ Come to our souls, Jesus ♪
Stop. [whistles] That's enough! Be quiet!
-Why? -Because!
-Get rid of them. -No. Why?
Do it, Heriberto!
Just do it. And make a new manger.
-No! -[Ñato] No way!
Not the manger. It's a theme manger.
Any other surprises?
Yes, and you'll love this one.
[sighs] Counselor!
[flatly] Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Huh? Oswaldito will love this present.
"Sovereign Mary, for your great virtues
and especially for your humility,
you deserved the Lord to choose you as his mother."
"I beg that you prepare and arrange my and everyone's soul
at this time of praying this Advent prayer novena,
for the spiritual birth of your beloved son."
"Oh, divine wisdom of the sovereign God
that became just a child!"
"Divine Child, come to teach us the prudence that makes truly wise men!"
"Come to our souls! Come, do not delay!"
-[tango music playing] -♪ Come, come, come ♪
♪ Come to our souls, Jesus Come, come, come ♪
♪ Come to our souls, Jesus Come to our souls ♪
♪ Do not delay, do not delay Jesus, come ♪
♪ Do not delay, do not delay Jesus, come, come ♪
Oh!
Awesome!
[Martín] I know. I know.
I forgot to tell you. Martín is also a singer.
[Martín] Thank you.
Thank you… very much.
You think the kid is that dumb, Heriberto?
I don't know, but he's a kid.
Kids like Santa to bring them presents.
It's not Christmas Eve, and he wrote to Jesus, not Santa.
Santa, Baby Jesus, it's the same!
You think the kid won't know it's your lawyer, Quiroz?
[flatly] Ho, ho, ho.
Is it that obvious?
He'll ask why he gets his presents now and not on the 24th.
Fine, let's tell him I have a business trip on Christmas Day,
so we want him to enjoy his presents today.
You explain that to him.
Good luck with that.
Thanks.
No, Brigitte, no!
Sorry to eat dinner in here, but the dining room is too small.
Please don't worry about it, ma'am. For me, this is perfect.
See? I told you. He's a gentleman!
Let's eat. Enjoy.
-Thanks. -Thanks.
-[Martín] No! -[girls scream]
-What's going on? -[Martín] What?
The secret ingredient is missing. It's very important.
Sweet!
Martín, it's amazing what you did with so little in the fridge.
That's me. I always say
adversity is the mother of…
-Of creativity. -Exactly, baby.
-No, it all depends, right? -Yes, it all depends.
[Martín] No it doesn't.
None of this would be possible without you, Margot.
How do you do it?
How do you make everything so perfect?
-[Juan clears throat] -What's your secret?
Well… Sir, why don't you tell us about your Vegas hotels?
Have you ever heard this?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Martín will show us how to make a cocktail he invented.
-You'll love it, guys. -[Juan] Just a minute. They don't drink.
Party pooper.
-[Gustavo] Samuel. -[Samuel] Yes?
-Singer-songwriter? -Yes.
I can sing my new Christmas songs.
No!
[Margot] No! No!
But Martín has many friends in the music business.
[Martín] I have some contacts in LA, big time producers.
I'll introduce them to you, they're great.
Yes, you, Blondie.
I'm an experienced marketing agent. Please take me with you!
[Juan] Hey! What's going on here? Hold on a second.
The guys need to focus on what's most important,
and that's school, period.
-But, Dad… -Mónica, there'll be time later.
[Martín] Calm down. Where were we?
As an after-dinner treat, sir,
I was bold enough to prepare a magic trick for you.
To make up for the other day at the office.
Great.
[Amalia] I forgot to tell you that Martín is a magician too.
-[Gustavo] No! -Yes!
Ah. No, no, no!
It's just a hobby.
That's all we needed, right? A magician.
What a box of surprises.
I'm not an expert like José, but I know a trick or two.
Juan!
My name…
is Juan!
Okay, Juan. Take it easy.
[Juan laughs] Why not…
make the evening a little more exciting?
What have you got in mind, Juan?
Uh… [clears throat]
Why don't we have…
a competition?
-A magic competition, of course. -Mm.
We can each show what we can do.
Just say when… Juan.
Fine.
[all] In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, amen.
Tutaina tuturumaina!
Darling, let's check on the fritters.
We'll let you talk. You must have a lot to discuss.
-Thanks, Mom. -Okay, honey.
Have a seat. Don't be so shy.
So, do you study or work?
What's your hobby? You like to sing or dance?
What's this, gel or wax? It's so hard.
-[Martín] It vanished! -[clapping]
And that's not all, my friends.
It will snow tonight in Bogotá! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sister! Oh!
Look, Margot. I made it snow for you!
[laughs]
Like Switzerland, baby!
-[Amalia] Bravo, bravo! -Thank you! Thank you!
[Lucho] Thank you, make way, please. I'm so sorry, boss.
Now, some real magic.
The stage is ready, Mr. Juan.
[Juan] This is a shoe, just a shoe,
but very soon, thanks to the powers I was granted,
directly from the Magi,
it will turn into… a bunny!
[recites spell in gibberish]
In here…
is a bunny.
Please, assistant.
[Lucho exclaims]
[Lucho clears throat]
What an awesome magician! [claps]
Awesome magician!
[Martín] It's the thought that counts, right?
Let's hear it for Juan! Come on!
Come on, guys! Juan! Juan! Juan!
Is the kid asleep?
Yes, he's asleep. But he's very sad, Heriberto.
Why don't you stay and spend Christmas with us?
I can't. I need to go. You don't get it.
I need to show my father he's wrong and he should listen to me.
But your dad asked you to do something.
Go to school and quit the "marshmallow" business?
You think that's doable?
-Why not? -Because I can't.
No, I can't quit the business now.
[sighs] And you know me, Brigitte.
I suck at studying and being cooped up in an office.
I need intensity, adrenaline, action!
Please,
I need your help.
Talk to the kid,
tell him everything's fine,
and not to phone Dad to complain about me.
Trust me.
I promise you
it's what's best for us right now.
[Juan] Germán!
Where are you, you damn bunny?
Why are you doing this to me?
Where are you, Germán? Why?
Why? Why?
St. John Bosco, what did I ever do to you?
[sniffs]
[Destroyer exhales]
Hey, geezer. Want to do some real magic?
What kind of nun is that?
I only gave her a little.
This can't be real. Why does it happen to me?
[grunting] Why me?
-Luchito, I need a favor. -You know you can always count on me.
Option four, you and me dancing closely in a hotel room.
-I need to go. -Say yes first.
-Are you crazy? -About you.
I'm married, and you're my mom's boyfriend.
Tiny details. No problem.
-Excuse me. -The wine. Here!
What's going on here?
-Nothing. -I love this wine.
-What? -What is this?
-What? -Nothing.
-You… -What?
You are hitting on my wife.
-On your wife? -In my house!
-In your house? What? No. That's horrible. -[Mónica] Papa!
How disrespectful.
Dad, Grandma's fighting with your boss. Hurry!
-Why? -Take me soon, Lord!
-Hi. -Hi. How are you?
Have you seen Destroyer?
[laughs] No.
You're mistaken, sir! How dare you?
-Calm down, miss. -No, I won't. Why should I?
Nobody, let alone a jerk like you, has any say about my private life.
-What did I say? -What did you say?
And another thing,
my dumb son-in-law may think inviting you to dinner
and bowing to you will change his pathetic life,
that doesn't mean you can mess with me!
Your dumb son-in-law is hopeless!
Oh, please! Get a load of this jerk!
Asking me why I'm with a younger guy.
Well, your younger guy was just in the kitchen--
Here he is.
He's been up to no good in your den. What do I do?
-[Juan] Throw him out. -Dad!
-Mónica! -[Amalia] I've had it!
["No te Agache' en Navidad" playing over stereo]
[yelling]
[indistinct conversation]
[Mónica] Dad!
[groans]
[sighs]
Honey.
-I couldn't sleep at all. -[kisses]
How could everything go that wrong?
Don't be so hard on yourself, Juan. It's not all your fault, honey.
I wonder what Mr. Londoño's thinking.
You can kiss Vegas goodbye.
I'm sure I'll be fired now.
What about Mónica's boyfriend?
-And Samuel's nun? Please! -No. Just a minute.
What about your mom's boyfriend?
Circling his prey all night like a shark?
I'm so worried about my mom.
-She's totally in love with the guy. -[cell phone ringing]
Unknown number?
Hello.
Hi, Juan, it's Alejandro Londoño.
Mr. Londoño. How are you?
Fine. How are you today?
I'm terribly embarrassed about what happened last night.
[chuckles] Don't worry about it. That's okay.
In fact, I'm calling to offer you an invitation.
Why don't you and your family spend Christmas with me at my hotel?
I'd like to reciprocate your kindness.
I'm sure we can make it very special,
erase everything that went wrong last night.
-[Juan laughs] -Eh?
Oswaldito phoned you?
Yes, he says you're not spending Christmas at home.
No…
Dad, I have plans for the 25th. I need to be in the Bahamas.
I was very clear about that when we spoke,
so quit dreaming and bring Brigitte and the kid
to spend Christmas with me at my hotel.
-But Dad! -No buts!
Christmas is for the family,
not some lame plan with your buddies.
Or cheating with some bimbos. That's an order!
-[hangs up] -Okay, Dad. Love you… Hello? Uh…
[grunts]
Brigitte!
Brigitte! What was our deal?
Don't yell at me.
It's not my fault the kid talked to his grandfather.
-[grunts] -I ran out of pigs?
Where are the other plastic pigs?
Get me those pigs now!
[González] Ortiz, come on, focus.
We know he took a few days off on the coast, but guess what?
He's in Bogotá now.
-Somebody says hello. -Huh?
How did you make my sister fall so hard for you, brother-in-law?
Don't make plans for December 25th.
My mom is preparing an amazing Christmas for you.
Listen up, you moron. Let's focus on our job.
He has to make a mistake, but not just any mistake.
-A serious mistake. -Exactly.
-Right. -He'll show up soon enough.
[Gustavo] Good morning.
A promise is a promise, guys.
I'm here to explain all the details to you
about our corporate plan to visit the Holy Land.
You must wonder what we call the trip.
It's called "The New Templars."
May I?
NATIONAL POLICE - WANTED
[Lucho whistles] Mr. Juan!
Why is everything about Mónica?
Because that weirdo is totally useless.
-What do you want? -How about "Good morning," baby?
Still mad at me for kicking out your no-good boyfriend?
I did you a favor. Why don't you get a new boyfriend?
I don't think so.
I can give you the moon and stars.
-Really? -The constellations.
Quit hitting on me, or you'll regret it!
[moans]
[laughs]
-You want to see him, right? -Yes, ma'am.
Good luck, guys.
[chuckles]
-This is the real deal, Mr. Juan. -Mm-hmm.
-Like it? -Yes. Male or female?
Her name is Marcela.
Female rabbits are much more obedient.
-See how smart she is? -[Juan laughs]
I'm not too sure about that.
Yes, we'll see. Any Christmas Eve plans?
-Mr. Londoño invited us to his hotel. -He invited us?
Five stars at its finest!
Ah?
I'd love to invite you, but you understand.
I don't fancy going to a five-star hotel
and toasting "Merry Christmas" with a drink.
No?
No, Christmas is a family event where you're with your loved ones.
We'd be planning a huge bash if my loved ones were here.
Great food, potato salad, stuffed chicken.
It's a date to rekindle our true essence, right?
That's the price including a trip to where?
To Golgotha.
This is the price if we get 20 or more people.
But if we get 25 people,
Alirio is authorized to provide an extra ticket
with no pecuniary issues, in other words, totally free.
And to make your payments less burdensome, we have stretch loans,
or flexible loans, that adapt to any budget.
I love it.
Great. Now I need a big favor.
Fill out these forms for me
with your personal information.
Name, position, e-mail, phone, et cetera.
What for?
So Alirio can send you all the details about our packages.
[Ortiz] Lieutenant.
How do you like this guy Alirio?
Actually, to be honest with you,
-I really don't care. -No. I have a bad feeling.
He asks a lot of innocent questions, but guess what?
He's hitting on my mom.
What are you, the jealous son? Grow up, you fool.
No, he's up to something.
We look out for each other, and you're family…
Quit the crap, bro!
[González groans]
[González] Captain.
I need a favor.
I have this… big problem
I'm sure you can help me out with it.
Tell me about it. I'll see what I can do.
[Gustavo] I was at the police headquarters.
I've got all the info we need to wiretap these guys. [laughs]
Piece of cake.
Now I need you to organize my Christmas Eve party
to convince the magician's family
-to let me hire them. -[man on phone] Yes, boss.
And quiet, they don't know what they're getting into.
[man] As you wish.
And I have a candidate for the other thing.
The magician's mother-in-law's fiancé.
That moron is perfect to convince Juanquini's wife
and finalize the details of this deal.
[man] Yes, sir.
CHRISTMAS EVE
[Amalia] Let's go. It's early.
[overlapping excited voices]
[Margot] No, Mónica, no!
Mónica! Mónica!
-After you! -No!
-Mónica. -Yes.
[Amalia] Okay. Let's go.
-[Juan clears throat] -[Mónica] That okay?
Oh, Juan!
-It's Dad. -What?
I'm not going.
I can't.
I'm not deserting the house. It's my home, and you're my family.
And Christmas needs to be celebrated with the family, at home.
What's this about spending Christmas in a five-star hotel?
Remember the story of the birth of Jesus,
the King of Kings, who could be born anywhere,
the Taj Mahal, Buckingham Palace,
five-star, anywhere he wanted, but he decided to be born in…
Me! Me!
In a manger in Bethlehem.
[Juan] Exactly. Very good. That's a pure message of humility.
It's up to each of us, according to our ability,
to invite people to our homes to celebrate with us.
That's lovely, Dad. That's really sweet of you,
but we'll have a lot of Christmases here.
Never in a luxury hotel! Tell him, Margot!
I totally agree with Mónica.
-What will you tell your boss? -I'll just apologize.
-Isn't it too late? -Better late than never.
-I'm meeting Rosalba at the hotel, Dad. -What a drag this sourpuss is.
Stay if you want, no problem. Nobody's begging you, but us girls?
-[Mónica] We're gone! -[Amalia] Merry Christmas.
-[Mónica] Come, Margot. -[Amalia] Move it, Margot.
Merry Christmas! Bye! Move it, girls.
[door closes]
[vehicle starts]
[vehicle drives away]
[melancholy music plays]
[chuckles sadly]
[door opens]
[Lucho] Mr. Juan! Buddy!
Mr. Juan.
I just bumped into your family. They said you're staying here all alone?
-Yes, Lucho. Come here. -What's wrong?
Nothing, I remembered what you said, and you're totally right.
Christmas needs to be spent at home. Period.
I can keep you company if you like.
Thanks.
You're a good guy, Lucho. I appreciate it.
And even if it's you and me all by ourselves,
we'll have a ball, okay?
[laughs]
What are we going to eat?
I know I promised to come over, but I just couldn't make it.
No! I'm so sorry!
Not even for a while?
Not even that.
But I, Alirio Satizábal, promise that on New Year's Eve,
we'll be together.
Okay. You promise?
-Yes, of course. -[knocking on door]
I'm sorry, I have to go now. My boss is here.
Have a merry Christmas,
say hi to your kids from Alirio Satizábal, your humble servant.
[Martín] Hey!
-The Godfather! -Come in.
I asked you to be here early to talk about business.
If you invest in mine…
I like being clear, so I'll go straight to the point.
-Shoot. -You are a full-time conman!
What?
Don't pretend you are respectable. I checked you out.
You have none of the titles you claim.
None of the property or the companies.
You're a big fat nobody,
living off older women as a gigolo.
The only job you ever had was a clown at children's parties.
What was your stage name?
Papayita. Am I wrong?
No worries. Don't look like that, man.
I admire your talent as an impostor,
and that's why I'm making this offer.
It's very lucrative,
and it doesn't require a lot of work.
[Martín] Uh…
["Se Fue al Infierno" by Safara playing]
[Asunción] You can't leave in the middle of Christmas.
What am I supposed to do with the fritters, the custard?
With everything I made? No way.
-[Rosalba] Mom! -Christmas is a family event.
-Mom, stop whining! -Where's your Christmas spirit?
I told you I promised a girlfriend to spend the night with her.
I promised, okay? Got it?
[Rebeca] Let her go, Mom.
She's the family's black sheep, so let her go.
-Always the weirdo, look at her. -[mocking voice]
[Ortiz] Yes, Rosalba. What nerve! This house is not a hotel.
Can't you spend one Christmas with your poor mom?
Know what, Tavo?
Your emotional blackmail won't work with me.
Bye, family, and Merry Christmas.
[hums]
Bye!
-You need to be disciplined! -[Rosalba] Bye.
A girlfriend? Wherever she's going, it's not to a friend's place.
Don't be such a gossip. And get dressed.
Lieutenant González is coming soon, and I need you to captivate him!
-[doorbell rings] -That's him.
Oh, no! Wait! Where are you going?
No way. Don't open that door yet.
Do you love me? Give me a Christmas present.
You need to get engaged with the Lieutenant tonight.
Do yourself a favor. Get rid of that mustache.
Let's make sure you score!
-Where's the wax? -In the cabinet. Go. Chop-chop!
-Hi, Lieutenant. -Good evening.
I hope you don't mind. I invited my girlfriend.
Merr… Merry…
Merry Christmas, Destro. Take my picture by the Christmas tree.
-Mónica! Shh! -What?
[Destroyer yells]
-What a sweet couple. -Yes, right?
-Those hearts. How sweet! -Mr. Alejandro.
-Uh… Juan couldn't make it. -No?
-No. He's sick. Yes. -Ah.
But he said he'd call you later.
What a shame. We'll miss him…
-A lot. -A lot.
But he needs to get better.
Right. He needs to get better.
Is all this space just for us?
Of course. We don't want to be bothered.
Ma'am, enjoy the evening,
please.
Excuse me.
[upbeat music playing]
[sighs]
[inhales]
A toast to the evening's most beautiful ragazza.
My sixth and final offer to you.
-No. I'm not interested. -It's a business deal.
I spoke with your husband's boss.
I want to give him an opportunity.
We're building a huge, heavenly, luxury hotel chain in Colombia.
And I want you to run it.
Me?
You'd be your own boss, have your own office,
and a salary with a lot of zeros on the end.
Say yes, come on.
Fine. Not tonight.
But think about it, okay?
Mon amour.
[Margot] Take me soon, Lord!
Yes, you can do it.
Inhale peace, exhale anxiety and the hatred.
We didn't know you had a girlfriend.
We have been together just two weeks. Right, baby?
-Yes, baby. -Really? Why didn't you tell me?
Why is my private life any of your business?
How would I know?
Let's pray the novena. I'm eager to pray.
-Playing dumb, Lorenzo? -Don't be rude.
Playing dumb, right?
-Mom! -We'll leave if you're being rude!
You thought bringing this bimbo to my house was a good idea?
We're a nice family. Please.
Doesn't this crazy old hag know who I am?
Excuse me?
Old hag? Look who's talking. I am a decent lady.
It's clear you are a homewrecker.
Rebeca, please show some respect. She's a colleague, our boss.
She's right. You guys have awful colleagues.
Why is this slut interfering
-in my baby's relationship? -[cell phone ringing]
-What relationship? -With the Lieutenant.
-What relationship? -What? Hello.
-[Asunción] Homewrecker! -What?
-[González] Let's do something. -What?
You invited me to…
Are you sure?
No, we'll handle it.
I said we'll handle it, bro.
[whistles]
What is it? You look pale.
Alirio.
Now what happened to Alirio?
Alirio is not Alirio. He's the mafia boss, Lieutenant.
[Asunción sobs] No! Why Alirio?
No!
[Samuel singing] ♪ From the first moment I saw you ♪
♪ I've been thinking about you Which is so unlike me ♪
♪ I want to sleep on top of you ♪
♪ Under your habit ♪
♪ I dreamed of you On the clouds of my mattress ♪
♪ I want to be in charge Of your religious body ♪
♪ Clothes don't make the man Or a mane the king of the jungle ♪
♪ But I am your savior ♪
So nice, right? So…
So romantic.
I wish I had the courage
to open my heart, to…
express my feelings.
From the moment I saw you, I fell in love with you.
I want to sleep on top of you. There!
I said it!
How dare you say that in front of my mom?
-Who? -My mom.
I'm opening my heart to you.
What does that have to do with it?
For the last time, I am a happily married woman.
In love with my husband.
Yes, that's the part I really don't get.
How, when and why did you fall in love with such a mediocre guy?
Don't you dare talk about my husband like that.
[in English] Juan is a loser.
[song stops]
[in Spanish] Hold on. Listen to me.
Juan may not be as successful, or have your millions,
or be as cute as you, but I love him!
Just a minute. What's going on here?
Nothing important, we're just…
-Nobody talks about Juan like that. -Okay.
Is this guy bashing Dad?
-Of course not. -What, you jerk?
Easy, guys. You got me wrong.
-It's a harmless comment, right? -That was nasty, Martín.
Listen, kiss-ass. Only we can call Dad mediocre.
Or a loser, or whatever!
Only we can!
-[Amalia] That's enough. -Thanks, baby.
Don't you know it's Christmas? Forgive me, Margot,
but we won't let your absent husband ruin the evening.
-Mom! -What?
That's it.
[dance music playing]
Lieutenant, you know I never trusted the guy.
So I asked Intelligence to investigate him.
I had to insist that you investigate him!
I had a bad feeling about him
ever since he tried to sell us his Holy Land trip.
-I told you so. -What did they say?
They're planning a Christmas party at the hotel.
I'm calling for backup.
I apologize to you guys for all the crap my sister said,
but you didn't say you were dating.
[Ñato] What can I do, Trashy?
You know what Dad is like when it comes to our family.
You know how my beloved father gets if I defy him.
I'm the hothead here and…
Hello! Trashy!
[grunts]
Trashy is mad at me for not taking that trip.
-We have a problem, sir. -What is it?
The cops are at the hotel to arrest your dad.
It could get ugly.
-What? -The cops are at the hotel…
Yes, you moron! How did you find out?
From the cops' phones your dad tapped.
We need to call him.
You call him. He won't take my calls.
[Brigitte] Can we go now?
The kid is falling asleep.
Watch it, guys.
Check every nook and cranny. Get in the kitchen!
-Move it! Move it! -[Cucalón] Watch the door!
-[González] What? Ortiz! -Get in the kitchen.
-Ortiz! -What?
-[González] So much fuss. Where are they? -I don't know.
Did you get your info at the barbershop or what?
Damn!
[Juan] "The key of David which opens to the exiled
the gates of the magnificent palace."
"Save us, Baby Jesus, with your pure hand, from the sad prison of sin."
[shaker rattles]
-♪ Come, come ♪ -[door opens]
♪ Come to our souls ♪
[all] ♪ Come, come, Jesus ♪
♪ Come to our souls, Jesus ♪
♪ Come to our souls ♪
♪ Do not delay Come, come, Jesus ♪
♪ Come, come ♪
You have no idea how happy I am to see you guys.
I missed you guys so much.
We really missed you guys.
We decided that Christmas is to be spent with our family.
What about your mom?
We had an issue, and she decided not to come back.
-What a shame. -[cell phone ringing]
My phone is ringing. Ah. It's Mom!
What a shame.
Mom.
Margot, please help me. Help me.
They'll kill me.
What do you mean, Mom?
Alejandro and Martín are crooks, they kidnapped me.
What? What do you mean?
Yes! Please help me!
Let's go. The plane's waiting.
-The plane? Where are we going? -Go!
[Gustavo] Go!
[Cucalón] Any news?
[González] Neither the people at the restaurant nor security
know anything.
The guy that threw the party is staying in this room?
Yes, Alejandro Londoño.
It makes me mad that no one in the hotel knows anything.
They didn't ask for ID or know how many people came.
They're all gone. Nobody's cooperating, Captain.
-You know what? -What?
-There's an accomplice here. -Yes, that's what we think.
We don't see why they refuse to cooperate,
but don't worry, we're interrogating the rest of the staff.
I called the airport to make sure Londoño does not get away.
May I go…?
So I'd better…
I'll stay with you for a while, Captain.
So you're in this together.
Did you plan to get us involved in your dirty business?
Is your name Alejandro Londoño, or not?
We can't leave the country just like that.
[Gustavo] We are not including you.
For you, my dear lady, this adventure is over.
What will you do to me?
-[Juan] Hit the gas. -[Samuel] This piece of crap is jammed!
-Mr. Juan! -Rev up.
This piece of trash had to break now? What a bummer!
-They stopped. -Really?
-We're close. -Are you sure?
-Yes. -Call the cops, guys!
[Juan] Remember, it's Christmas Eve, Samuel.
I don't want any trouble with your grandma,
calling the cops without knowing what the crazy hag is up to.
She's smart enough to leave her phone on.
So why is she in this mess? Does it say how far we need to go?
-Two blocks, sir. -[Juan] Perfect!
-This way, sir. -Wake up.
[Juan] Move it.
[Matías] That wasn't the only surprise the Morales got that Christmas.
And I hate to say everyone showed their true colors.
[Rosalba] I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't deal with this.
I have a confession to make. I'm not a nun!
-What? -What?
I had to make up that story to hold on to Samuel.
I've heard enough!
Please tell Samuel that I loved meeting him,
that he's a smoking hot blond kid, but he should not try to contact me.
Here, cleanse your sins.
♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
[hums]
[laughs]
Mónica!
What, Margot?
My brother's been dumped before. It inspires his lyrics.
Why don't they call us?
They just vanished. I'm desperate. Please call them.
-Do me a favor. -What?
Help me find Destroyer. I can't find him.
♪ Feliz… ♪ Destroyer!
Honey!
[Destroyer coughs]
Uh… Ah…
-Move it! -No!
I'm sorry it had to end like this.
We would've made a great couple,
but you don't always get what you want.
[gun cocks]
[yelling]
Stop!
Leave my mother-in-law alone, Mr. Londoño.
-It's not Londoño. -What?
How are you going to stop me, Mr…?
Juan. Juan Morales.
I assure you it's a lot better if you drop the gun.
Too late, I planned to kill just the lady,
but as you have arrived,
there's enough to go around.
No! Drop it!
[suspenseful music playing]
[recites spell in gibberish]
Oh, crap!
Awesome magician!
Tropical magic.
[vehicle starting]
Come on! Let's go!
He took the bunny! Marcela did her job.
-[Lucho] Marcela! -Marcela's the bunny that…
He almost killed us.
That was a real gun with real bullets.
-But it worked. -Yes! It did!
He's not the only mobster to ever get away, González.
We'll have our revenge when we catch him.
Meanwhile, all we can do tonight is celebrate.
[Quiroz sighs]
I spoke with your dad.
He's on a private jet to the Bahamas.
The Bahamas. Of course.
Dad.
[sighs] He's closing the deal with Trashy.
Damn it!
See, counselor? No one knows who they work for.
I did all the work, and he gets all the credit.
Boss, relax. Get it off your mind.
Have this in one shot and have some fun with your wife.
What else can I do?
Call Oswaldito to say the novena. I'll read it.
-No. -[Quiroz] No.
-Why not? -Well…
[laughs]
Mom, I'll die if anything happens to you.
I have to admit that your husband saved my life.
-He's a hero. -Yes.
You're a hero.
No, I'm not. We owe it to a noble act of magic.
Mrs. Margot, how could you miss his great trick?
-I missed it. -Your boss, Dad? Your lover, Grandma?
I don't want to know.
I need to forget this disaster ever happened.
Listen, Mom…
-How's my family doing? -Stop it!
-Lucho, get this bum out of this house! -You again?
-[Samuel] Rosalba! -[grunts]
-[Margot] Watch it, Lucho! -Where are you, my love?
Please!
Where's my sweet nun?
Rosalba!
Rosalba.
[Matías] Just like Mónica said,
the experience inspired Samuel to write the lyrics
that completed his album:
Christmas Carols to Hate People To.
The new song was called "Don't Fall for a Fake Nun in December."
All through Christmas Eve, Ortiz had to console his mom
and his older sister, whose hearts were broken.
One must be careful where we look, because falling in love is for losers.
Big-time losers.
[groans]
[Matías] Lieutenant González was promoted to Captain,
not because his mission was successful,
but because of the fun Captain Cucalón had with him.
She recommended him to her superiors.
[fireworks exploding]
[grunts]
Ready? Hurry up! Huh?
[Matías] Ñato finally spent Christmas with his family.
And he really enjoyed it.
Is the kid asleep?
Yes.
He's sound asleep.
Okay.
I made up my mind,
and you're the light of my eyes, of our home, my everything,
so I want you to be the first to know.
I'm listening.
The instant that we come back from our vacation,
I'm quitting my job to be a full-time magician.
You see, today, I asked Baby Jesus for a sign.
And Baby Jesus…
Baby Jesus sent me an amazing sign!
What do you think?
-I'm with you all the way! -Really?
Yes, I'm so happy for you.
So, Samuel and you are the artists, and Mónica and I, the businesswomen.
-I love it. -You do?
Honey, that's why I love you.
And I love you, great Juanquini. Merry Christmas.
[Matías] Although we all had plans for 2020,
and we know what happened there,
I have to admit that thanks to those scumbags,
December, 2019
was one of the best times I've spent with the Moraleses.
I'm not a saint, but what can I do about it?
Anyway, and in case I forgot, Merry Christmas.
[fireworks exploding]
[pilot] Sir…
[indistinct]
[Martín] Ah!
Gus!
I was in the cockpit.
I've dreamed of doing that since I was a kid.
So awesome!
-You closed the door? -I locked it, Captain.
Wasn't I supposed to lock it?
We can fix it. No worries.
[lock rattling]
[Martín] Guys, don't scare me.
-[alarm blaring] -[plane descending]
I screwed up.
["No te Agache' en Navidad" by Julián Cerati playing]