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Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar,
better known as the Magi.
Please! Nobody ever saw them do any magic, as far as I know.
They only get out of here when it’s manger time,
which is pretty soon.
I am Matías, “good old Mat,”
and I’m hiding because it is December 7, 2019,
Little Candles Day, when Christmas officially begins,
the family I live with goes crazy,
and I have a hard time dealing with Bogotá’s madness.
I’m an easygoing cat from the Caribbean, unlike the Morales Bocanegra family.
And this guy is Juan Morales, the family’s dad.
An insurance agent, who, like Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar,
does magic in his spare time.
Believe it or not, right now, this guy is going all in.
He will have the weirdest Christmas the Morales family ever had.
I got this. Don’t worry.
Where is everybody?
Our beautiful, happy accountants?
Good morning. Especially to you, Mr. Londoño.
We want to welcome you and tell you how very glad we are
that you’re now the company’s majority shareholder.
Okay, let’s get started.
You guys are about to experience
some tropical magic.
The power of the mind.
I’m going to turn inanimate matter into organic matter.
This is obviously just a regular stapler.
But thanks to the powers I’ve acquired directly from the Magi,
it will turn…
into a bunny!
Please be silent and focus. The artist’s life is in danger.
Weird bunny, right? It looks like a stapler.
Yet it’s a bunny.
What’s the stapler’s name?
-Joselín! Come back! -What a jerk!
Stop that bunny! Don’t let it escape!
Joselín! You’ll get lost!
Come get your carrot! Joselín! You impossible bunny!
-No bunny? -No, sir. I can’t find it.
I searched up to the fourth floor, even the fifth floor.
This place or the audience must have scared it away.
Or maybe it’s just a shy bunny.
Sorry about that. I tried to lighten things up.
No problem.
That’s quite all right, sir. I should apologize to you.
I don’t know what went wrong. I totally mastered that trick.
Why, oh why?
I’m sorry. I apologize, sir.
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Juan Morales.
I’ve been in Accounting for ten years,
but… actually…
A magician?
Just an amateur for now,
but I am eager to make it in the big leagues.
How interesting.
Yes. Forgive the impudence, sir, but I leave on vacation today,
and who knows when we’ll meet again.
I know you own some hotels in Vegas, so I thought--
Do you know what I miss the most, living abroad?
Christmas.
Really?
When I was a kid, we lived in a very small house.
We were very poor.
But in December, everything changed.
Things became brighter.
Christmas is really…
I really enjoyed the novenas,
the manger, the Christmas carols,
the custard, the fritters.
All the simple things my mom used to help us cope with poverty.
You have no idea how much I miss those moments.
That guy is coming to pray the novena with us?
And we need it to be the best typical family novena,
and not just in the world, in the universe!
The poor guy looked so sad.
The memories of his childhood hit him really hard.
I saw my chance to ask him over, and against all odds, he said yes.
Is the guy really loaded, Dad?
Watch the lights! We have no more.
-We need to check them. -Yes, he’s really loaded.
The guy’s so filthy rich,
the bank calls him every week asking to withdraw cash.
-The vault gets full. -No way!
The best part is, he owns hotels in Vegas.
And we had a chat.
He doesn’t rule out the idea of giving me a job in Las Vegas.
-What? -Yes.
-As a magician? -Yes.
Go all the way to Vegas to be a CPA?
You’re much better as a CPA, Dad.
-Mónica! -You saw him!
Because of a lack of opportunities.
-True. -But guess what I feel.
My ship’s coming in. I don’t feel it. I know it.
It’s my time to shine. Know what?
We’re going to dazzle him this evening.
And we’re going straight to Vegas to work there.
You’re dressed just right for Vegas.
-And me? -You’d look great in a poster.
We’ll work in the entertainment capital of the world
a couple of years and make some money.
-We’ll be millionaires. -Not yet.
We’ll make enough to set up a family business,
and then, straight to the top
in the big leagues.
-A candle. -A candle, Margot.
It’s Christmas. There must be one.
-There! -A candle. Calm down.
Get the candle, Mónica. Let us pray.
Let’s ask the Immaculate Conception to grant us this wish.
To make my dream of becoming a magician
and giving my family a better future come true.
Please, pray with a lot of faith.
Hi there, you fools. How’s my beloved family?
-Sammy. What are you doing here? -My baby!
Why didn’t you tell us?
So I could tell you myself. It’s a surprise.
What’s with the weird accent?
Dad, remember when this weirdo came back
from his school trip to Mexico?
What’s up, homies? All good, yeah?
Or Spain, where he met Grandma’s lover?
Gosh, dude. Spain is the dog’s bollocks.
-Or when-- -Got it.
Tell us what yourself?
-Want to know? Listen up. -Yes!
I dropped out of the Argentine music school.
I fell for this hot Colombian chick. She’s wild, Dad!
She’s back in Colombia, and I want to marry her.
Good for you, little brother.
Speaking of which, I got a new guy too.
-What? -What?
His name is Destroyer.
Yes, Mom, but his dad is loaded, and he wants to meet you guys.
-My mom! -Destroyer?
She’ll tell us she got a new boyfriend too.
Be quiet.
Mom. Hello. Mom.
I’m in Colombia.
Why didn’t you say you were coming?
Why? Because I wanted to surprise you.
I’m with my fiancé who’s on a business trip.
-Where are you? -At a hotel.
Can I stay with you guys for a few days?
-Is that a problem? -No, this is your home too.
Does your dumb husband think so too?
-What? -Mom’s coming to stay with us.
Here?
Hi. I’m here. We need to talk.
For Pete’s sake! Why didn’t you tell me you were here?
I’d fix a little something for you.
Why not? Because…
the less we’re seen, the better.
-We need to keep a low profile. -Sorry. You’re right.
I’ll be on the coast.
I’ll call you when I get back to discuss the future.
Dad, just tell me where and when, and I’ll be there.
You know I love you.
-Buddy. -Hello? Dad?
Brigitte, come here!
Is your dad here?
Yes. He wants to discuss the future. The future, Brigitte!
Come here. Close your eyes.
Let’s ask the Immaculate Conception to make Baby Jesus grant me
my wish of showing my dad
that I’m not the moron he thinks I am.
Let me help you, Heriberto.
-Close your eyes. -Okay.
Don’t you celebrate the holidays, Lieutenant?
I find them boring and annoying.
Don’t you have anyone to share them with?
Don’t you have a lady neighbor, an ex, a lover, anybody?
An ugly cousin or something?
I was born and raised an only child. And I’ll be shot to death.
Orduz the Corrupt is in town.
We think he’s here for the holidays to meet his partners
and set up a huge money-laundering scheme.
We have no idea who he is or what he looks like.
But guess what.
They’re giving you guys the job.
Thanks.
Do you see, Lieutenant?
This is your big break to catch the Corrupt.
Your perfect chance to get your promotion. Here.
Ask the Immaculate Conception for that miracle.
I’m also an atheist.
Right, I wondered…
if you weren’t…
a religious person.
-Mónica. -Don’t…
Weirdo scumbag!
-I don’t know, Margot. -You don’t know what, Juan?
If you want a family Christmas for that guy,
the kids and even my mom need to be here.
Without meeting Mónica’s new boyfriend?
Or Samuel’s girlfriend?
Without knowing who your mom’s latest victim is?
Are you ashamed of us, Juan?
Do you want to hide us, hide them?
What? I don’t want them to hide!
How could I want that?
I’m the proudest dad there ever was.
Think about what’s at stake with Londoño if anything goes wrong.
You need to trust me and the kids on this.
And even my mom.
Yes, you’re right.
Come.
Listen up, guys!
We want Mr. Londoño to have the best impression in the world.
No, not just the world.
In the universe!
For him to feel the spirit of…
Mónica!
So we need to work as a team.
Mónica will do the manger.
Samuel does the music. Carols, nothing gloomy.
And Mom, fritters and custard.
-What? I don’t-- -You make them so yummy.
She’s great at it.
And Dad’s in charge of the entertainment.
Magic and a comedy show.
Make that just magic.
We’ll make it a special evening.
And make Mr. Londoño feel at home.
Okay?
DECEMBER 16TH - FIRST NOVENA DAY
There’s a crafty geezer under your bed
With cheeks like a clown A stinger in his hand
If you show up here Yelling, “Ho ho ho!”
You better watch out You dirty old man
Stay away from my house Screw you, Santa Claus
Or else I’ll smash that cute nose of yours
For all the presents I never got
Screw you, Santa Claus!
I have to admit, it’s original.
-It’s called “Screw Santa.” -Okay.
I’ve got another Christmas carol.
“Christmas Busts My Balls.” Want to hear it?
Balls. Right. Balls.
No, but you see… Listen, Sammy.
I think your lyrics are inappropriate for this time of the year.
I’d try to avoid foul language and all the attitude.
-But that’s me, okay? -No, Dad.
It’s precisely that critical thinking that makes it
a special, unique, credible song.
-Balls? -Balls.
I’m done!
Dad, this is so cool! These are all the banks.
The financial district and a cool World Center.
Plus, a private heliport for top investors and executives.
-Top executives and investors. -What nonsense!
And where’s the manger where Baby Jesus is born?
I could put some squatters on top of the hill.
But it ruins the whole idea. Is it really necessary?
Yes, and switch the suits for some shepherds,
and the investors for the Magi, period!
-You do it! -What was our agreement?
It’s pure teamwork. No “Screw Santa.” Out of the way.
-No! -The money god.
As an atheist, I only believe in the god of money.
I’ve had it! I’m a lousy cook! Christmas dinner is rice and eggs.
We need a new plan here.
-Breathe, Mom. -It was an accident.
-Accident? She almost blew us up. -We stick to our plan!
-That must be Destroyer. -Who?
My boyfriend. Don’t you dare make me look bad.
Boyfriend? Let’s see your brother-in-law.
Destro!
-That’s your boyfriend? -Yes, Mom, Destroyer. Come in, baby.
We’ll never know why he’s called Destroyer.
-Thank God! Hallelujah! -We don’t need eggs this week.
No, Dad, stop. She’s Rosalba. The sin I left Argentina for.
-Want a drink? -No, thanks.
I don’t even have communion wine. Lemonade is fine.
-Take me soon, Lord! -No idea.
-That’s your side of the family. -My family? Leave my mom alone.
-She is a nun, man! -No, Dad, she’s a woman first.
Yes, but a woman who gave her love to the Lord.
To God, not to men. Samuel, please.
No, I’m finishing the song to ask her to leave the convent.
It’s called “Let Me See the Treats You Hide under Your Habit.”
-Mónica! -What?
Why is he called Destroyer?
He looks like a serial killer from a movie,
not like a nice guy from a nice family.
Dad, his full name is Destroyer Urrutia Pombo.
His dad owns a big European construction company.
I guess his dad is so busy
he has no idea what that kid is up to.
Deal with it, guys.
Destroyer will be your grandchildren’s dad.
You’re a kid. What are you thinking?
My mom is here!
-Grandma? -Call her Amalia, not Grandma.
-Amalia! -That’s all we needed.
-Hi. -Grandma.
What did I say?
-It’s not Grandma. It’s Amalia. -Amalia.
This is great. Are you staying with us?
Of course. For a few days.
I just want you to meet my fiancé, Martín Guerra.
Nice to meet you.
Girls, you asked for it.
Let’s meet the boss.
Let me see you. Sweet!
Watch it. Don’t call him Corrupt. He hates it.
Holy Father! Daddy. Dear Daddy!
I mean it! I’m so glad to see you!
How are you, Heriberto?
Fine, Dad. Nice to see you. You look great.
Meet Astrid, Mayerli. Say hello, girls.
Nice to meet you.
Party time, Dad. Look what I got you for the novenas.
Can we have a minute, please?
-With the girls? -Come on, Heriberto.
Hold on, girls.
How dare you come here with these women?
Keep a low profile, remember?
But Dad, I thought maybe--
Stop showing off like this, you moron.
Our business depends on not attracting any attention.
Sorry, Dad.
Get rid of them so we can talk. I don’t have all day!
Yes. Girls!
-Go over there. That’s so rude! -Yes, Dad.
Girls.
-Martín’s been modeling for ten years. -Fifteen, baby.
Right, 15 years, on the covers of international fashion magazines.
-Just in 50. -But he’s more than a cute face.
He won the Pan-American Triathlon twice.
Plus, he owns several hotels, restaurants in Miami.
In Madrid and Rome, bella.
And he’s in Bogotá to invest in the country.
I’ll check the fritters. Be right back.
Go ahead. Fritters are what most matter.
Honey, it’s your lucky day.
Martín is an international chef.
He’ll help you with all the stuff in the kitchen.
So don’t worry.
No, Dad. Could you repeat that?
I’ll tell you for the umpteenth time!
Traditionally, the third generation of people like us
is the one that ends up becoming law-abiding again,
and you must look after your wife and son, my grandson.
-Yes, but our stuff business-- -No!
We need to be two steps ahead.
We’re going to invest money in hotels like this.
In less than two years we need to invest as much cash as possible
in legitimate businesses, is that clear?
I thought--
I came here to infiltrate the cops and delete whatever they have on us.
Lieutenant González seems to be in charge,
but I know how to contact him, and I want to hire a fabulous guy.
Some poor wannabe magician was heaven-sent,
the ideal front man for my money-laundering scam.
A magician? I can help you, Dad.
-Right. -Sure. Remember that box--
Yes. Guess how you can help me.
-How? -Staying out of it and keeping quiet.
-And I want you to study. -No, Dad. Why study? I suck at it.
You don’t suck at it. You’re stupid!
But make the effort.
I need a diploma to prove you at least finished grade school.
-Fine. -One more thing.
Now that I’m here, I want us to have a family Christmas.
-Together? -Yes.
-As a family? -My grandson called.
-Oswaldito? -To complain about you.
About what?
He says you’re never at home. I believe him.
You’re out partying all the time with those easy girls you like.
No, Dad. What easy girls?
-They’re friends. I’m surprised-- -Don’t be. I’m not surprised.
Brace yourself.
We’re spending Christmas with your wife and my grandson.
Dad, what was it you said right after “traditionally”?
Oh, for the love of…
-I got it, Mr. Juan. -I was worried. Where were you?
What took you so long?
Mr. Juan, the thing is,
it’s hard to find a trained bunny in December.
-Where’s Joselín? -I guess he was bored.
He looked dejected, like he wanted to retire.
Germán won’t give you any problems. He’s such a smart bunny.
I hope he’s the world’s smartest. My guest is very special.
I need to dazzle him, as he’s my ticket to Vegas,
to make it in the big leagues.
What do I owe you?
Can you put it in your notebook?
No worries. It’s your Christmas present.
You’re always nice to me. Isn’t he cute?
Gorgeous. I’m speechless. This is awesome.
I need to go.
There’s a genius in the kitchen stealing the show.
I need to get back in control. Go on.
Call me if you need anything, Mr. Juan.
-Luchito. -Yes, sir?
-Who are you praying the novena with? -No one, Mr. Juan. It’s just me.
Shouldn’t you explain it to Trashy yourself?
Tell him that, due to family issues,
you can’t spend Christmas in the Bahamas.
I can’t, Counselor. It’s an important meeting.
And an awesome Christmas party.
He’s even flying some floozies in from Brazil.
You need to understand our priority, the wishes of your dad, Mr. Gustavo.
What’s up with Dad anyway? He’s getting old.
-Should we quit the business? -He has his reasons.
We must show him the business is going really well.
That’s why I need my meeting with Trashy to happen in the Bahamas.
What about your dad? He would want a family Christmas.
-The kid’s been whining again. -Oswaldito?
Yes, but I have a plan to distract him. I need you and the guys to help.
Who are “the guys”?
Giggles, Eternal Hangover, Blackout, to prove they’re more than mere henchmen.
I have this great plan. Call them. I need to do it now.
This is awesome.
-Cow or bull? -Cow.
-Because? -Because…
Two cows and a bull for the manger.
-What happened here? -Really, what happened?
An accident?
Don’t worry. Don’t panic. The first thing we need to do is…
-Girls, go tidy up the kitchen. -Yes, tidy up the kitchen.
Luchito’s staying for dinner.
-Hi. -Nice to meet you, Martín.
Same here.
The key word here is créativité. Creativity, if you don’t speak French.
Please pay attention. He’s a genius.
Why complicate things? We can work with what we have.
Right, work with what we have.
Allez, allez, allez. I need a team here.
-You. -Me?
-The guy with the stache. -Juan?
-Juan. -Juan!
You are in charge of organization and cleanup.
Clean and organize.
While Margot and I decide what to cook this evening.
What do you say to…
rabbit in garlic sauce?
Hey!
Germán has a vital mission tonight.
Who?
-Germán the bunné. -The what?
People can be so weird on Christmas,
and in this story, nobody was what they seemed to be.
I was the only one to see that, but I kept quiet
to see how they’d get out of the mess they were getting into.
-Meet my son. Baby, look. -Thanks.
-This is him. -Nice to meet you. Alirio Satizábal.
-Gustavo Ortiz. -Thanks.
Alirio organizes trips to Rome and the Holy Land,
following the steps of our blessed Lord Jesus.
That’s interesting.
He lives in Lima, but he is visiting Bogotá.
Since he’s on his own, I said,
“Let’s pray the novena together.”
I can’t go, so I thanked her. I have a meeting with my boss.
-Too bad. You should’ve stayed. -Young man.
Your mom says you’re a cop?
That’s right. Why?
He wants to sell them his travel packages.
They’re awesome and affordable.
I can offer the National Police a special price.
I could speak with the entire top brass with your help.
And with a good amount of travelers,
your ticket and your mom’s would not be a pecuniary issue.
-A what? -Free.
Awesome! Thank God for this opportunity!
Thank God, Mom. Where are my sisters?
Remember I told you about Rosalba?
-She was in Argentina. -Yes.
She brought some packages from Buenos Aires
for the Barefoot Nuns and stayed for the novena.
Sweetie!
Oh, you have a parrot?
No, that’s what I call my daughter, to annoy her.
I haven't seen them.
This is important, Mom. I invited my boss to the novena.
Your boss from the police?
Yes, I’m a cop.
My boss looks tough on the outside, but he’s a real softie at heart.
-Your boss? -Yes, my boss.
Give him a chance. The guy is all alone in the world.
The holidays hit him hard.
This is a godsend, honey!
If he’s all alone in the world,
he only needs to meet Rebeca. I’ll do the introductions.
-Kill two birds with one stone. -Precisely!
I have two unmarried daughters. It could drive anyone crazy!
And let me tell you, Rebeca’s really missing the boat.
That must be my boss.
-Hi, Ortiz. -Welcome. Glad you could make it.
-Please meet my mother. -Charmed.
Asunción Ortega, the widow of Mr. Ortiz. And this is Alirio Satizábal.
-Lorenzo González. It’s a pleasure. -The pleasure is mine.
And she is the queen of the house.
Rebeca, want to come downstairs?
Quit the parrot thing, Mom.
How are you?
Awesome, now that you’re here. Thanks.
I love it! Smile! Where’s the airplane?
Sweet deal, Boss!
This is awesome! I love it!
-What’s this? -The labs, sir.
A hideout for the guys.
The clandestine airstrip. Nicely trimmed plants.
And the manger where the Lord Jesus will be born.
I love it.
And a bunch of hit men to protect Baby Jesus and the Magi.
Excellent.
-Good news. -What?
I got you hideouts.
-Where? I don’t see them. -Exactly, Boss.
Exactly, Boss! Great!
And the music?
-“Silent Night” and “Mi burrito sabanero.” -Great!
Counselor.
Did you get the 235 toys the kid wants?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Can we practice “Ho ho ho”?
Ho ho ho.
No, Counselor. This must be just perfect.
A little lower.
Ho ho ho.
Good! Everything must be perfect.
If Oswaldito is happy and stops whining to Dad,
we can do whatever we like for Christmas.
The kid will be here soon.
Hide, Counselor. Brigitte is with him. It’s a surprise.
What’s that?
Balls, Boss.
Balls. Boss.
Everything is ready.
-Are you sure that bunny-- -Germán.
Will Germán do what we need?
Sure, he’s a trained bunny. Look at him.
Good. He’d better.
I failed Mr. Londoño once.
If I fail twice, I’ll ruin my chance of making it in the big leagues.
We’re gonna rock. Right, Germán?
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.
Please let them rock, take me to Vegas as his assistant with Germán--
Quit the crap and move it!
As my grandpa, who was wiser than me, used to say,
“We cannot judge a book by its cover.”
Meet my family.
My son Samuel is an artist too.
-Singer-songwriter. -Say hello.
How are you, sir?
-Stop. She’s the nun from the convent. -Glory be to God, brother.
-This is-- -My boyfriend.
-Hey. -They call him Destroyer.
-Urrutia Pombo. -Why?
My daughter.
Mónica Morales. I have some business ideas--
Stop it!
And she is…
-This is the old one. -What?
My adorable mother-in-law.
Exactly.
-A pleasure to meet you, ma’am. -It’s “miss,” please.
-Miss? Sure. -Yes.
Look who’s here.
She… Come here.
This is my wife, Margot. The light of our home.
Thank you. You’re too kind. Picture time?
-And this is-- -My fiancé, Martín.
-Guerra. Hi. Who’s that? -And this is Luchito.
What’s up, man?
Luchito is the family’s fresh friend.
And that’s it. That’s all of us.
Yes. All of us.
Basically.
Well, what a…
diverse family, I dare say, but lovely.
Congratulations…
-Juan. -Juan.
“O Divine…
Child,
come to…
come to teach us…
the pru…
teach us the pru…
the prudence
that makes us… tru--
Truly wise men.
Come to our souls, do not delay.
Come…
I’d better read the novena in front of the kid.
Why?
You’re his father figure,
and seeing you like that will make him crack up.
I don’t think so!
I have another surprise for you. Music, boys.
One, two, three, four…
Come, come
Come to our souls, Jesus
That’s enough! Be quiet!
-Why? -Because!
-Get rid of them. -No. Why?
Do it, Heriberto!
Just do it. And make a new manger.
-No! -No way!
Not the manger. It’s a theme manger.
Any other surprises?
Yes, and you’ll love this one.
Counselor!
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
Oswaldito will love this present.
“Sovereign Mary, for your great virtues
and especially for your humility,
you deserved the Lord to choose you as his mother.”
“I beg that you prepare and arrange my and everyone’s soul
at this time of praying this Advent prayer novena,
for the spiritual birth of your beloved son.”
“Oh, divine wisdom of the sovereign God
that became just a child!”
“Divine Child, come to teach us the prudence that makes truly wise men!”
“Come to our souls! Come, do not delay!”
Come, come
Come to our souls, Jesus, come
Come to our souls Jesus, come to our souls
Do not delay, do not delay, Jesus, come
Do not delay, do not delay Jesus, come, come
Awesome!
I know.
I forgot to tell you. Martincito is also a singer.
Thank you.
You think the kid is that dumb, Heriberto?
I don’t know, but he’s a kid.
Kids like Santa to bring them presents.
It’s not Christmas Eve, and he wrote to Jesus, not Santa.
Santa, Baby Jesus, it’s the same!
You think the kid won’t know it’s Quiroz?
Ho ho ho.
Is it that obvious?
He’ll ask why he's getting his presents now
and not on the 24th.
Fine, let’s tell him I have a business trip on Christmas Day,
so we want him to enjoy his presents today.
You explain that to him.
Good luck with that.
Thanks.
No, Brigitte, no!
Sorry to have dinner here, but the dining room is too small.
Please don’t worry about it, ma’am. That’s fine with me.
See? I told you. He’s a gentleman!
Let’s eat. Enjoy.
-Thanks. -Thanks.
No!
-What’s going on? -What?
The secret ingredient’s missing. It’s very important.
Sweet!
Martín, it’s amazing what you did with so little in the fridge.
That’s me. I always say,
“Adversity is the mother of--”
-Of creativity. -Exactly, baby.
-No, it all depends, right? -Yes, it all depends.
No, it doesn’t.
None of this would be possible without you, Margot.
How do you do it?
How do you make everything so perfect?
-What’s your secret? -Well…
Sir, why don’t you tell us about your Vegas hotels?
Have you heard this? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Martín will show us how to make a cocktail he invented.
-You’ll love it, guys. -Just a minute. They don’t drink.
Party pooper.
-Samuel. -Yes?
-Singer-songwriter? -Yes.
I can sing my new Christmas songs.
No!
But Martín has many friends in the music business.
I have contacts in LA, big-time producers.
I’ll introduce them to you. They’re great. Yes, you, Blondie.
I’m an experienced marketing agent. Please take me with you!
Hey! What’s going on here? Hold on a second.
The kids need to focus on what’s most important,
and that’s school, period.
-But-- -Mónica, there’ll be time later.
Calm down. Where were we?
As an after-dinner treat, sir,
I was bold enough to prepare a magic trick for you.
To make up for Little Candles Day at the office.
Great.
I forgot to tell you that Martín is a magician too.
-No! -Yes!
No!
It’s just a hobby.
That’s all we needed, right? A magician.
Full of surprises.
I’m not an expert like José, but I know a trick or two.
Juan!
My name…
is Juan!
Okay, Juan. Take it easy.
Why don’t we…
make the evening a little more exciting?
What have you got in mind, Juan?
Why don’t we have
a competition?
A magic competition, of course.
We can each show what we can do.
Just say when… Juan.
Fine.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.
Awesome!
Darling, let’s check on the fritters.
We’ll let you talk. You must have a lot to discuss.
-Thanks, Mom. -Okay, honey.
Have a seat. Don’t be so shy.
So, do you study or work?
What’s your hobby? Singing, dancing?
What’s this, gel or wax? It’s so hard.
It disappeared!
And that’s not all, my friends.
It won’t stop snowing tonight in Bogotá, hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sister!
Look, Margot. I made it snow for you!
Like in Switzerland, baby!
-Bravo! -Thank you!
Thank you, make way, please. I’m so sorry, boss.
Now, some real magic.
The stage is ready, Mr. Juan.
This is a shoe, just a shoe,
but very soon, thanks to the powers I was granted,
directly from the Magi,
it will turn into a bunny.
Here…
there is a bunny.
Please, assistant.
What an awesome magician!
Awesome magician!
It’s the thought that counts, right?
Let’s hear it for Juan! Come on!
Come on, guys! Juan!
Is the kid asleep?
Yes, he’s asleep. But he’s very sad, Heriberto.
Why don’t you stay and spend Christmas with us?
I can’t. I need to go. You don’t get it.
I must show Dad he’s wrong about me and he should listen to me.
Your dad asked you to do something else.
Go to school and quit the stuff business? You think that’s doable?
-Why not? -Because I can’t.
No, I can’t quit the business now.
And you know me, Brigitte.
I suck at studying and being cooped up in an office.
I need intensity, adrenaline, action!
Please, I need your help.
Talk to the kid,
tell him everything’s fine
and not to phone Dad to complain about me.
Trust me.
I promise you
it’s what’s best for us right now.
Germán! Where are you, you damn bunny?
Why are you doing this to me?
Where are you, Germán?
Why?
St. John Bosco, what did I ever do to you?
Hey, geezer. Want to do some real magic?
What kind of nun is that?
I only gave her a little.
This can’t be real. Why does it happen to me?
Why me?
-Luchito, I need a favor. -You know you can always count on me.
Option four, you and me dancing closely in a hotel room.
-I need to go. -Say yes first.
-Are you crazy? -Over you.
I’m married, and you’re my mom’s boyfriend.
Tiny details. No problem.
-Excuse me. -The wine. Here!
What’s going on here?
-Nothing. -I love this wine.
-What? -What is this?
-What? -Nothing.
-You… -What?
You’re being fresh with my wife.
-With your wife? -In my house!
In your house? What? No. That’s horrible.
How disrespectful.
Dad, Grandma’s fighting with your boss. Hurry!
-Why? -Take me soon, Lord!
-Hi. -Hi. How are you?
Have you seen Destroyer?
No.
You’re mistaken, sir! How dare you?
-Calm down, miss. -No, I won’t. Why should I?
Nobody, let alone a jerk like you, has any say about my private life.
-What did I say? -What did you say?
And another thing,
if my dumb son-in-law thinks inviting you to dinner
and bowing to you will change his pathetic life,
that doesn’t mean you can bother me!
Your dumb son-in-law is hopeless!
Oh, please! Get a load of this jerk!
Asking me why I’m with a younger guy.
Because your younger guy was in the kitchen…
Here he is.
He’s been up to no good in your den. What do I do?
-Throw him out. -Dad!
-Mónica! -I’ve had it!
Dad!
Honey.
I couldn’t sleep at all.
How could everything go that wrong?
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Juan. It’s not all your fault, honey.
I wonder what Mr. Londoño’s thinking.
You can kiss Vegas goodbye.
I’m sure I’ll be fired now.
What about Mónica’s boyfriend?
-And Samuel’s nun? Please! -No. Just a minute.
What about your mom’s boyfriend?
Circling his prey all night like a shark?
I’m so worried about my mom.
She’s totally in love with the guy.
Unknown number?
Hello.
Juan, it’s Alejandro Londoño.
Mr. Londoño. How are you?
Fine. How are you today?
I’m terribly embarrassed about what happened last night.
Don’t worry about it. That’s okay.
In fact, I’m calling to invite you.
Why don’t you and your family spend Christmas with me at my hotel?
I’d like to repay your kindness.
I’m sure we can make it very special
to make up for last night.
Oswaldito called you?
Yes, he says you’re not spending Christmas at home.
No…
Dad, I have plans for the 25th. I need to be in the Bahamas.
I was very clear about that when we spoke,
so quit dreaming and bring Brigitte and the kid
to spend Christmas with me at my hotel.
-But, Dad! -No buts!
Christmas is for the family, not some lame plan with your buddies.
Or cheating with some bimbos. That’s an order!
Okay, Dad. Love you… Hello?
Brigitte!
Brigitte! What was our deal?
Don’t yell at me.
It’s not my fault the kid talked to his granddad.
I ran out of pigs?
Where are the other plastic pigs?
Get me those pigs now!
Ortiz, come on, focus.
We know he took a few days off on the coast, and guess what?
He’s in Bogotá.
Somebody said hello.
How did you make my sister fall so hard for you, brother-in-law?
Don’t make plans for December 25th.
My mom is preparing an amazing Christmas for you.
Listen up, you moron. Let’s focus on our job.
He has to make a mistake, but not just any mistake.
-A serious mistake. -Exactly.
-Right. -He’ll show up soon enough.
Good morning.
A promise is a promise, guys.
I’m here to explain all the details to you
about our corporate plan to visit the Holy Land.
You must ask what we call the trip.
It’s called “The New Templars.”
May I?
NATIONAL POLICE - WANTED
Mr. Juan!
Why is everything about Mónica?
Because that weirdo is totally useless.
-What do you want? -How about “good morning,” baby?
Still mad at me for kicking out your no-good boyfriend?
I did you a favor. Why don’t you get a new boyfriend?
I don’t think so.
I can give you the moon and stars.
-Really? -The constellations.
Quit hitting on me, or you’ll regret it!
-You want to see him, right? -Yes, ma’am.
Good luck, guys.
This is the real deal, Mr. Juan.
-Like it? -Yes. Male or female?
Her name is Marcela.
Female rabbits are much more obedient.
See how smart she is?
I’m not too sure about that.
Yes, we’ll see. Any Christmas Eve plans?
-Mr. Londoño invited us to his hotel. -He invited us?
Five stars at its finest!
I’d love to invite you, but you understand.
I don’t want to go to a five-star hotel
and toast “Merry Christmas” with a glass.
No?
No, Christmas is a family event where you’re with your loved ones.
We’d be planning a huge bash if my loved ones were here.
Great food, potato salad, stuffed chicken.
It’s a date to rekindle our true essence, right?
That’s the price including a trip to where?
To Golgotha.
This is the price if we get 20 or more people.
But if we get 25 people,
Alirio is authorized to provide an extra ticket
with no pecuniary issues, in other words, totally free.
And to make your payments less burdensome, we have stretch loans,
or flexible loans, that adapt to any budget.
I love it.
Great. Now I need a big favor.
Fill out these forms for me
with your personal information.
Name, position, e-mail, phone, et cetera.
What for?
So Alirio can send you all the details about our packages.
Lieutenant.
How do you like this guy Alirio?
Actually, to be honest with you…
-I really don’t care. -No. I have a bad hunch.
He asks a lot of innocent questions, but guess what.
He’s hitting on my mom.
What are you, the jealous son? Grow up, you fool.
No, he’s up to something.
We look out for each other, and you’re family--
Cut the crap, bro!
Captain.
I need a favor.
I have this huge problem
I’m sure you can help me out with.
Tell me about it to see what I can do.
I was at the police headquarters.
I’ve got all the info we need to bug these guys.
Piece of cake.
Now I need you to organize my Christmas Eve party
to convince the magician’s family
to let me hire them.
Yes, boss.
No worries, they won’t know what they’re getting into.
As you wish.
And I have a candidate for the other thing.
The magician’s mother-in-law’s fiancé.
That moron is perfect to convince Juanquini’s wife
and finalize the details of this deal.
Yes, sir.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Let’s go. It’s early.
No, Mónica, no!
Mónica!
-After you! -No!
-Mónica. -Yes.
Okay. Let’s go.
Oh, Juan!
-It’s Dad. -What?
I’m not going.
No way.
I’m not deserting the house. It’s my home, and you’re my family.
And Christmas needs to be celebrated with the family, at home.
What’s this about spending Christmas at a five-star hotel?
The story of the birth of Jesus,
the King of Kings, who could be born anywhere,
the Taj Mahal, Buckingham Palace,
five-star, anywhere he wanted, but he decided to be born in…
Me! In a manger in Bethlehem.
Exactly. Very good. That’s a huge message of humility.
It’s up to each of us, according to our possibilities,
to invite people to our homes to celebrate with us.
That’s lovely, Dad. That’s really sweet of you,
but we’ll have a lot of Christmases here.
Never in a luxury hotel! Tell him, Margot!
I totally agree with Mónica.
-What will you tell your boss? -I’ll just apologize.
-Isn’t it too late? -Better late than never.
-I’m meeting Rosalba at the hotel, Dad. -What a drag this sourpuss is.
Stay if you want, no problem. Nobody’s begging you, but us girls?
-We’re gone! -Merry Christmas.
-Come, Margot. -Move it, Margot.
Merry Christmas! Bye! Move it, girls.
Mr. Juan! Buddy!
Mr. Juan.
I just bumped into your family. They said you’re staying here all alone?
-Yes, Lucho. Come here. -What’s wrong?
Nothing, I remembered what you said, and you’re totally right.
Christmas needs to be spent at home. Period.
I can keep you company if you like.
Thanks.
You’re a good guy, Lucho. I appreciate it.
And even if it’s you and me all by ourselves,
we’ll have a ball, okay?
What are we going to eat?
I know I promised to come over, but I just couldn’t make it.
No! I’m so sorry!
Not even for a while?
Not even that.
But I, Alirio Satizábal, promise that on New Year’s Eve,
we’ll be together.
Okay. You promise?
Yes, of course.
I’m sorry, I have to go now. My boss is here.
Have a Merry Christmas,
say hi to your kids from Alirio Satizábal, your humble servant.
-The Godfather! -Come in.
I asked you to come early to talk business.
If you invest in mine--
I like being clear, so I’ll get straight to the point.
-Shoot. -You are a full-time con man!
What?
Don’t pretend you are respectable. I checked you out.
You have none of the titles you claim.
None of the property or the companies.
You’re a big fat nobody,
living off older women as a gigolo.
The only job you ever had was doing magic shows at kids' parties.
What’s your stage name?
Papayita. Am I wrong?
No worries. Don’t look like that, man.
I admire your talent as an impostor,
and that’s why I’m making this offer.
It’s very lucrative,
and it doesn’t require a lot of work.
You can’t leave in the middle of Christmas.
What am I supposed to do with the fritters, the custard?
With everything I made? No way.
-Mom! -Christmas is a family event!
-Mom, stop whining! -Where’s your Christmas spirit?
I told you I promised a girlfriend to spend the night with her.
I promised, okay? Got it?
Let her go, Mom.
She’s the black sheep of the family, so let her go.
Always the weirdo. Look at her.
Yes, Rosalba. What nerve! This house is not a hotel.
Can’t you spend one Christmas with your poor mom?
No, Tavo.
Your emotional blackmail won’t work with me.
Bye, family, and Merry Christmas.
Bye!
-You need to be disciplined! -Bye.
A girlfriend? Wherever she’s going, it’s not to a friend’s place.
Don’t be such a gossip, and get dressed.
Lieutenant González is coming soon, and I need you to captivate him!
That’s him.
Oh, no! Wait! Where are you going?
No way. Don’t open that door yet.
Do you love me? Give me a Christmas present.
You need to get engaged with the Lieutenant tonight.
Do yourself a favor. Get rid of the whiskers.
To make sure you score!
-Where’s the wax? -In the cabinet. Go. Chop-chop!
-Hi, Lieutenant. -Good evening.
I hope you don’t mind. I invited my girlfriend.
Merry…
Merry Christmas, Destro. Take my picture by the Christmas tree.
-Mónica! -What?
-What a sweet couple. -Yes, right?
-Those hearts. How sweet! -Mr. Alejandro.
-Juan couldn’t make it. -No?
No. He’s sick. Yes.
But he said he’d call you later.
What a shame. We’ll miss him…
-A lot. -A lot.
But he needs to get better.
Right. He needs to get better.
Is all this space just for us?
Of course. We don’t want to be bothered.
Ma’am, enjoy the evening,
please.
Excuse me.
A toast to the evening’s most beautiful ragazza.
My sixth and final offer to you.
-No. I’m not interested. -It’s a business deal.
I spoke with your husband’s boss.
I want to give him an opportunity.
We’re building a huge, heavenly, luxury hotel chain in Colombia.
And I want you to run it.
Me?
You’d be your own boss, have your own office,
and a salary with a lot of zeros to the right.
Say yes, come on.
Fine. Not tonight.
But think about it, okay?
Mon amour.
Take me soon, Lord!
Yes, you can. Inhale peace, exhale anxiety and the hatred.
We didn’t know you had a girlfriend.
We have been together just two weeks. Right, baby?
-Yes, baby. -Really? Why didn’t you tell me?
Why is my private life any of your business?
How would I know?
Let’s pray the novena. I’m eager to pray.
-Playing dumb, Lorenzo? -Don’t be rude.
Playing dumb, right?
-Mom! -We’ll leave if you’re being rude!
You thought bringing this bimbo to my house was a good idea?
We’re a nice family. Please.
Doesn’t this crazy old hag know who I am?
Excuse me?
Old hag? Look who’s talking. I am a decent lady.
It’s clear you are a home-wrecker.
Rebeca, please show some respect. She’s a colleague, our boss.
She’s right. You guys have awful colleagues.
Why is this slut interfering in my baby’s relationship?
-What relationship? -With the Lieutenant.
-What relationship? -What? Hello.
-Home-wrecker. -What?
-Let’s do something. -What?
You invited me to…
Are you sure?
No, we’ll handle it.
I said we’ll handle it, bro.
What is it? You look pale.
Alirio.
Now what happened to Alirio?
Alirio is not Alirio. He’s the Mafia boss, Lieutenant.
No! Why Alirio?
No!
From the first moment I saw you
I’ve been thinking about you Which is so unlike me
I want to sleep on top of you
Under your habit
I dreamed of you On the clouds of my mattress
I wanted to become a sexton
Clothes don’t make the man Or a mane the king of the jungle
But I am your savior
So nice, right? So romantic.
I wish I had the courage
to open my heart, to…
express my feelings.
From the moment I saw you, I fell in love with you.
I want to sleep on top of you. There!
I said it!
How dare you say that in front of my mom?
-Who? -My mom.
I’m opening my heart to you.
What does that have to do with it?
For the last time, I am a happily married woman.
In love with my husband.
Yes, that’s the part I really don’t get.
How, when, and why did you fall in love with such a mediocre guy?
Don’t you dare talk about my husband like that.
Juan is a loser.
Hold on. Listen to me.
Juan may not be as successful, or have your millions,
or be as cute as you, but I love him!
Just a minute. What’s going on here?
Nothing important, we’re just--
-Nobody talks about Juan like that. -Okay.
Is this guy bashing Dad?
-Of course not. -What, you jerk?
Easy, guys. You got me wrong.
-It’s a harmless comment, right? -That was nasty, Martín.
Listen, kiss-ass. Only we can call Dad mediocre.
Or a loser, or whatever!
Only we can!
-That’s enough. -Thanks, baby.
Don’t you know it’s Christmas? Forgive me, Margot,
but we won’t let your absent husband ruin the evening.
-Mom! -What?
That’s all.
Lieutenant, you know I never trusted the guy.
So I asked Intelligence to investigate him.
I had to insist you to investigate him!
I had a bad feeling about him
ever since he tried to sell us his Holy Land trip.
-I told you so. -What did they say?
They’re planning a Christmas party at the hotel.
I’m calling for backup.
I apologize to you guys for all the crap my sister said,
but you didn’t say you were dating.
What can I do, Trashy?
You know what Dad is like when it comes to our family.
You know how my beloved dad gets if I defy him.
I’m the hothead here, and--
Hello? Trashy!
Trashy is mad at me for not taking that trip.
-We have a problem, sir. -What is it?
The cops are at the hotel to arrest your dad.
It can get ugly.
-What? -The cops are at the hotel--
Yes, you moron! How did you find out?
From the cops’ phones your dad tapped.
We need to call him.
You call him. He won’t take my calls.
Can we go now?
The kid is falling asleep.
Watch it, guys.
Check every nook and cranny. Get in the kitchen!
-Move it! -Watch the door!
-What? Ortiz! -Get in the kitchen.
-Ortiz! -What?
-So much fuss, and where are they? -I don’t know.
Did you get your info at the barbershop or what?
Damn!
“Key of David, which opens the exiled gates of the magnificent palace.
Save us, Baby Jesus, with your pure hand, from the sad prison of sin.”
Come, come
Come to our souls
Come, come, Jesus
Come to our souls, Jesus
Come to our souls
Do not delay and tarry not Come, come, Jesus
Come, come
You have no idea how happy I am to see you guys.
I missed you guys so much.
We really missed you guys.
We decided that Christmas is to be spent with our family.
What about your mom?
We had a problem, and she decided not to come back.
What a shame.
My phone is ringing. It’s Mom!
What a shame.
Mom.
Margot,
please help me.
They’ll kill me.
What do you mean, Mom?
Alejandro and Martín are crooks. They kidnapped me.
What? What do you mean?
Yes! Please help me!
Let’s go. The plane’s waiting.
-The plane? Where are we going? -Go!
Go!
Any news?
Neither the people at the restaurant nor Security know anything.
The guy that threw the party is in this room?
Yes, Alejandro Londoño.
It makes me mad that no one in the hotel knows anything.
They didn’t ask for ID or know how many people came.
They’re all gone. Nobody’s cooperating, Captain.
-You know what? -What?
-There’s an accomplice here. -Yes, that’s what we think.
We don’t see why they refuse to cooperate,
but don’t worry. We’re interrogating the rest of the staff.
I called the airport to make sure Londoño does not get away.
May I go…?
So I’d better…
I’ll stay with you for a while, Captain.
So you’re in this together.
Did you plan to get us involved in your dirty business?
Is your name Alejandro Londoño or not?
We can’t leave the country just like that.
We are not including you.
For you, my dear lady, this adventure is over.
What will you do to me?
-Hit starter. -This piece of crap is jammed!
-Mr. Juan! -Rev up.
This piece of trash had to crash now? What a bummer!
-They stopped. -Really?
-We’re close. -Are you sure?
-Yes. -Call the cops, guys!
Remember, it’s Christmas Eve, Samuel.
I don’t want any trouble with your grandma,
calling the cops without knowing what the crazy hag is up to.
She’s smart enough to leave her phone on.
So why is she in this mess? Does it say how far we need to go?
-Two blocks, sir. -Perfect!
-This way, sir. -Wake up.
Move it.
That wasn’t the only surprise the Morales family got that Christmas.
And I hate to say everyone showed their true colors.
I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t deal with this.
I have a confession to make. I’m not a nun!
-What? -What?
I had to make up that story to hold on to Samuel.
I’ve heard enough!
Please tell Samuel that I loved meeting him,
that he’s a smoking hot blond kid, but he should not try to contact me.
Here, cleanse your sins.
I wish you a Merry…
Mónica!
What, Margot?
My brother’s been dumped before. It inspires his lyrics.
Why don’t they call us?
They just vanished. I’m desperate. Please call them.
-Do me a favor. -What?
Help me find Destroyer. I can’t find him.
I wish you a Merry… Destroyer!
Honey!
-Move it! -No!
I’m sorry it had to end like this.
We would’ve made a great couple,
but you don’t always get what you want.
Stop!
Leave my mother-in-law alone, Mr. Londoño.
-It’s not Londoño. -What?
How are you going to stop me, Mr…?
Juan Morales.
I assure you it’s a lot better if you drop the gun.
Too late, I planned to kill just the lady,
but as you have arrived,
there’s enough to go around.
No! Drop it!
Crap!
Awesome magician!
Tropical magic.
Off we go! Let’s go!
He took the bunny! Marcela did her job.
Marcela’s the bunny that…
He almost killed us.
That was a real gun with real bullets.
-But it worked. -Yes! It did!
He’s not the only mobster to get away, González.
We’ll have our revenge when we catch him.
Meanwhile, all we can do tonight is celebrate.
I spoke with your dad.
He’s on a private jet to the Bahamas.
The Bahamas. Of course.
Dad.
He’s closing the deal with Trashy.
Damn it!
See, Counselor? No one knows who they work for.
I did all the work, and he gets all the credit.
Boss, relax. Get it off your mind.
Have this in one shot and have some fun with your wife.
What else can I do?
Call Oswaldito to say the novena. I’ll read it.
-No. -No.
-Why not? -Well…
Mom, I’ll die if anything happens to you.
I have to admit that your husband saved my life.
-He’s a hero. -Yes.
You’re a hero.
No, I’m not. We owe it to a noble act of magic.
Mrs. Margot, how could you miss his great trick?
-I missed it. -Your boss, Dad? Your lover, Grandma?
I don’t want to know.
I need to forget this disaster ever happened.
Listen, Mom…
-How’s my family doing? -Stop it!
-Lucho, get this bum out of this house! -You again?
Rosalba!
-Watch it, Lucho! -Where are you, my love?
Please!
Where’s my sweet nun?
Rosalba!
Rosalba.
Just like Mónica said,
the experience inspired Samuel to write the lyrics
that completed his album: Christmas Carols to Hate Other People.
The new song was called “Don’t Fall for a Fake Nun in December.”
All through Christmas Eve, Ortiz had to console his mom
and his older sister, whose hearts were broken.
We need to watch who we look at. Only losers fall in love.
Big-time losers.
Lieutenant González was promoted to Captain,
not because his mission was successful,
but because of the fun Captain Cucalón had with him.
She recommended him to her superiors.
Ready? Hurry up!
Ñato finally spent Christmas with his family.
And he really enjoyed it.
Is the kid asleep?
Yes.
He’s sound asleep.
Okay.
I made up my mind,
and you’re the light of my eyes, of our home, my everything,
so I want you to be the first to know.
I’m listening.
The instant that we come back from our vacation,
I’m quitting my job to be a full-time magician.
You see, today, I asked Baby Jesus for a sign.
And Baby Jesus…
Baby Jesus sent me an amazing sign!
What do you think?
-I’m with you all the way! -Really?
Yes, I’m so happy for you.
So, you and Samuel are the artists, and Mónica and I, the producers.
-I love it. -You do?
Honey, that’s why I love you.
And I love you, great Juanquini. Merry Christmas.
Although we all had plans for 2020, and we know what happened,
I have to admit that thanks to those scumbags,
December 2019
was one of the best months I spent with the Morales.
What can I do if I’m not a saint?
Anyway, and in case I forgot, Merry Christmas.
Gus! I was in the cockpit.
It was my dream since childhood. Awesome!
-Is the door closed? -Closed and locked, Captain.
Wasn’t I supposed to lock it?
We can fix it. No worries.
Guys, don’t scare me.
I screwed up.