[microphone droans]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
♪
[inhales]
Oh, hey. Owen Alabado here.
Just doing a little pre-show ritual,
a little tai chi to get my Zen in before I get on stage.
But I also gotta release a little energy
with a little bit of martial arts and karate!
Hey, everybody, I'm Brad Loekle.
And I wanted to show you one of the secrets
to doing comedy after the age of 40,
and that is male Spanx.
What you do is you cut off most of your blood flow
and your oxygen supply,
but you look about a half an inch skinnier.
So now I just look like a beluga whale instead of a manatee.
I'll see you guys at the show, I can't wait.
Hey, I'm Dash Kwiatkowski and this is not scripted at all,
or rehearsed.
I'm excited because I'm having my makeup done professionally.
Normally, I do my own makeup.
And my secret is that I do it poorly.
But this is good. Now, paint me like one of your French girls.
So this is a gay as fuck show. Everybody,
there will be a lot of... And I identify as a lesbian.
Anybody else in the LGBTQRX group? Thank you for being here.
Straight people, where are my breeders at?
Thank you. Don't be scared. Are you guys straight?
There you go. I could tell from the man spreading
that you were straight. I could just like...
He's covering his penis, he's like,
"Nobody's gonna get on this thing." Good.
-[cheering] -[trilling tongue]
Please welcome to the stage your first comic tonight,
clap it up again, clap it again,
-Owen Alabado! -[cheering]
Hi.
I'm Owen.
I'm a straightaholic.
I'm addicted to straight men.
I've been clean for about two years.
It would have been five if it wasn't for that night
in the Jacuzzi with my roommate's stepbrother.
[sighs] My addiction started when I was in high school.
I fell in love with a boy.
He played baseball. Jockstrap.
And we were on the DL, like the super DL.
I mean, it was the '90s in Wisconsin, okay?
The only famous gay person I knew at the time
was Mickey Mouse.
And he wasn't even out of the closet.
So we were secretive.
We were so secretive that he convinced me
that it was okay for him to have a girlfriend
at the same time.
Yes. So every morning, I'd wake up,
go over to his house, give him a ride,
and then take him to school.
And then after school, he'd go to his girlfriend's house
and play the clit guitar,
right after we played mashed potatoes with our ding dongs!
And this went on... for a long time.
So you could imagine what it did to my fragile,
young, gay teenage mind.
I mean, at the time to me, that was my norm.
I didn't know any better.
And so I accepted that was the way it was gonna be for me.
It kind of set a precedent for most of my life.
And the baseball player was not the last.
He was the first of many curious, questioning,
closeted straight men that have come in my life.
I have been experimented on so many times
that PETA has shown up at my door
to protest animal cruelty.
My whole life, I felt like poison ivy
or a case of the crabs.
I was the itch you wanna scratch.
Which is gonna be the title of my memoir. [laughs]
Documenting all the straight men I've slept with.
I don't know how I get into this predicament.
I just have the worst luck ever.
I don't-- I could be in the gayest gay bar
in the entire world, and somehow, by sheer dumb luck,
I am talking to the one straight guy in the bar.
And it always starts out very innocent.
They'll be like, "Man, you're the coolest gay guy
I've ever met." "Thank you."
And then it will progress to, "I'm not gay,
but you're a good-looking dude."
"Thanks for that validation." [laughs]
Or they'll be like, "Man, if I was gay,
you'd be my boyfriend."
"Don't count your chickens.
I'm not 100 percent sure I'd be yours.
That's very presumptuous of you.
Who am I kidding? I'd totally be your boyfriend."
One time a guy came up to me, and he said...
your ex-boyfriend actually-- said to me,
"If you were a girl, you'd be my girlfriend."
Yeah. And I was like, have you seen me in a wig?
I look like a tired-ass hooker from Planet of the Apes!
My favorite story, though, is when... it was Halloween.
And I was talking to my friend Paul.
And my very drunk friend came up to me,
he thought he was whispering, but he totally wasn't.
And he was like, "If you had a vagina,
I would have sex with you."
And then he walked away.
And my buddy Paul was like,
"Did I just hear what I thought I heard?"
And I tried to play it off, and I'm like,
"Yeah. Happens all the time." [laughs]
"But dude, that doesn't even make sense."
And I was like, "Yeah, it does.
He's calling me a Ken doll.
He's saying like I'm a boy, but I don't--
I have a flat area right there. He's saying I'm handsome,
like a Ken doll, you know--
Okay, it doesn't really make sense.
He probably just wants to sleep with me."
That same guy is now married to a woman with children.
So any of you straight men out there
that wants to find a wife and have kids,
just sleep with me!
I'm a gateway drug to a heterosexual lifestyle.
You're probably thinking, oh...
I'm one of those gay guys who tries to convert straight men.
First of all, do I look like a fucking vampire, okay?
'Cause if that's the case, I would have bit Channing Tatum
or Chris Pine years ago!
And second of all,
I grew up in the '90s in Wisconsin. Okay?
I didn't try to convert anyone in fear
I would have been ran over by a fucking tractor.
I just had-- I just had the worst luck growing up.
[sighs]
You know, I hate when people come up to me,
and they say, "Well, if a guy hooks up with another guy,
he's totally gay."
Oh, so it's okay for women to experiment in college?
"Well, yeah, man, that's hot, man. That's hot.
When girls do it, I mean, you see porn?
Every other scene is two girls, man. It's not gay. That's hot."
I'm sorry, but if a woman's gonna go spelunking
into another woman's vagina,
that's pretty lesbian if you ask me!
And furthermore, I read on the internet,
and some psychologist wrote this thing
where men think about sex about once every hour,
and women think about sex once every two hours.
So men are double the horniness.
So please explain to me why it's more likely for a woman
to experiment than a man.
Hallelu!
It's a fucking double standard, that's bullshit!
I came out of the closet in, uh, 1998
in a small town in Wisconsin.
I probably was one of the first ever.
I got harassed, I got bullied, death threats and all that jazz.
Um, but I was a tough boy, I had a really thick skin.
And a lot of those guys who bullied me in high school
ended up being some of my best friends.
Mainly because their girlfriends wouldn't date them
if they were mean to me. Um...
But some of my guy friends in high school
actually thought I was pretending to be gay
so I could see their girlfriends shower
and touch their boobs.
Of course I'd like to touch their boobs!
They're called fun bags for a reason.
I don't wanna put them in my mouth
and like I just wanna punch them and jiggle them around.
And I'm sorry, but when I see my girlfriend shower,
the soapy suds drip down their perky bosoms,
all the way down to their juicy, wet flower,
all I'm thinking is, "Bitch, you need to shave that shit.
It looks like you queefed out a squirrel!"
When you hang out with all straight guys
for most of your life,
there are certain things you never have to do.
Like if someone's car breaks down,
I never have to pop the hood.
If we have a barbeque,
I never have to cook the burgers.
If a girl can't open a pickle jar,
I never have to fucking do it.
Why? Because a straight guy
hates being shown up by a gay dude.
"Man, did you see that gay guy, man,
he just scored a basket on me, man.
He's making me look gay."
No, sweetheart. The other night you were wearing PONY shoes
and a tight shirt and too much cologne.
You're not even Armenian.
[cheering]
That made you look gay!
Growing up, I was like the gay Woody Harrelson
from White Men Can't Jump.
Seriously. If you guys don't know that movie,
it's about a movie with Wesley Snipes,
and he goes to basketball courts
and he tries to hustle other guys for money.
And he tells the other team, "Hey, you can pick
my basketball teammate."
And they always pick Woody Harrelson
'cause he's a goofy-looking white dude.
And they come on and he's totally really good
and they totally win all this money.
My straight guy friends did the same thing with me.
We would go to parties and we would, uh,
we'd start betting on pool games.
And my buddies would be like, "Okay, 50 bucks.
And you can pick anybody in the party to be my teammate."
"Oh, that's easy, the gay kid right over there."
"Who, me? I can't play pool.
I mean, I know I'm supposed to be good with sticks and balls,
but okay."
And then I'd go and I'd fuck shut up.
-[light cheering, applause] -Oh!
Um, I've actually never really met another gay guy
that has as many straight guy friends as myself.
And I actually had a guy once break up with me...
-[man shouts] -No lie. Uh...
Many times, but for other reasons
But for this time, um,
he broke up with me 'cause he did not understand
why I hung out with so many straight men.
And I kinda understand why,
because it was really counterproductive
for my love life, didn't help my addiction.
And a lot of my straight guy friends were very good-looking,
so when you're wasted it's like waving a candy bar
in front of a fat kid and saying, "If you eat me,
I'm gonna punch you in the face!"
No, I never-- I never hooked up
with like my really, really close guy friends.
It was always like a friend of a friend,
or a cousin, or like a stepbrother.
Um, and I know I said earlier that I never tried to convert,
but I am not innocent.
Let's just say I have convinced the girlfriend
to break up with her jerk boyfriend,
and then convinced the jerk boyfriend,
one time doesn't make you gay.
"Just close your eyes and call me Sheila!"
I've actually said this before.
Once you go Owen, you always keep going. [laughs]
-[cheering] -Works every time! [laughs]
Oh, do we have any lesbians? I love me some lesbians!
Clap your-- oh, you're gonna wave. You don't clap.
'Cause you-- you only clap those clams, girl.
You're like, "I just wave. I just wave."
Um, I used to live with a lesbian.
And let me tell you, they're so much more fun
to listen to than straight women.
Straight women are like a broken record.
"Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh..."
But a lesbian is like a symphony.
It's like... [buzzing, whirring, high-pitched noises]
[high-pitched] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, it's my jam!
-It's my jam! -[applause, cheering]
So next Saturday, I am...
-turning 40. [laughs] -[cheering]
In gay years, that makes me...
dead.
Um, I am a gay dinosaur.
Just call me a dick-o-suck-osaurus.
I'm a gay cougar.
Pink Panther.
In the gay community now, I'm known as a daddy.
Except for I'm broke, just call me a Splenda daddy.
[laughs]
And a lot of people tell me that I look younger for my age.
And that's 'cause my mom had sex with a Filipino in high school.
Um... [laughs]
And when you're the older guy,
and you go out with a lot of younger dudes,
you're always expected to pay.
So dating becomes a little expensive. Right?
So I was dating this guy, don't remember his name,
let's just call him Timmy.
And so, uh...
I was on the date with Timmy,
and he wanted to go to a very expensive restaurant.
So I brought a little baggy of glass.
And...
when Timmy went to the bathroom,
I put a little glass in my food.
And when he came back, took a bite,
and I was like, "Oh! Garcon! Garcon!
There's some glass in my food! This is--"
I didn't really think it through 'cause my mouth was bleeding.
I should have just did pubic hair, but whatever.
And the waiter was like, "I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. We will definitely take care of your meal.
For you... and your son."
Bitch, what?
I just spit blood all over his fucking face!
Little bitch.
Um, I recently went on a date with a millennial. [laughs]
And he asked me if I was woke.
And at the time, I didn't know what that was.
So I pinched myself and I said, "I think so." [laughs]
And I don't know what it is about that generation,
but they love acronyms.
They love their acronyms. He was telling me a story
about how he went to a party and it was lit.
Totally GOAT. And his ex was there.
And that was that THOT over there.
He was my ex-bae.
And I was so confused. I...
I was like, "So were you cooking animals? Um...
Were you-- were you like a goat's on fire,
and was your ex imaginary? Like, was he just--
Was he really there? And was there a sheep there?
I am so confused."
And he started to explain to me "GOAT" is greatest of all time,
and then "THOT" is that ho over there.
Before all else.
So I tried to relate to him,
and I started using every acronym that I could think of.
I was like, "Yeah, I went to a party too.
And it was BYOB.
And my ex was there, and I told him to MYOB.
And PS, I wanted to be in the CIA and the FBI."
[laughs]
Dating in LA fucking sucks.
It's-- for straight and gay people, it sucks.
You know why? Because there's a mentality out here
that the grass is always greener on the other side.
The other person is always looking over
the other person's shoulder.
I went on a Tinder date the other night,
and I thought he was fucking blind.
Because he kept looking over my shoulder. I was like,
"Oh, my God, I've never been on a date with a blind person.
He's just gonna like me for my personality.
I'm totally gonna score tonight.
He doesn't care what I look like!"
And then I realized he was just looking over
at the waiter the whole time!
Like, "Waiter, come here. Can you please leave the room
so-- so he will stop looking at you?"
He's like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I will leave the room for you and your son."
Fucking bitch!
You know where I love to go?
Back home to Wisconsin.
Because there, I'm Cinderella.
Here, I'm a fuckable stepsister.
There, I'm skinny. Here, I'm gay fat.
Yes, I am!
Um, I actually need to find a European husband, I feel like.
I love European men. Yes!
'Cause you know what? European men,
they can be like okay looking,
but when they open their mouth they become ten times hotter.
Do you ever notice that? The guy can come up to you
and he's like okay, but he's like...
[English accent] "Hello, love.
Would you like to play with my fish and chips?"
"Yeah, I wanna play with your fish and chips."
[German accent] "Would you like to see my wienerschnitzel?"
"Yeah, I wanna see whatever you just said!"
[French accent] "Oh, can I put my baguette in your oven?"
"Whatever, French guy. Put whatever in my oven."
My favorite, Irish guys. Oh!
[Irish accent] "Hello there, lad.
Would you bend over and show me your four-leaf clover?"
"Yeah, I will!"
But it's not equal opportunity when it comes to accents.
Oh, no. How many times have you heard anyone say,
"Did you hear that Japanese guy? He's so hot."
[Japanese accent] "Oh, you want to eat my sushi roll."
"No, Japanese guy. Get the... away from me."
So I'm obviously single. [laughs]
I've been single so long that my parents are starting to think
I made up this whole gay thing. [laughs]
Seriously.
Um, so my parents didn't really accept the gay thing
for many years, and now they're finally coming around.
And my mom's actually asking me if I'm dating anyone.
And that's a big deal for my parents.
And I'm the oldest of eight kids.
Yes. Oldest of eight.
And my mom's like-- she reminds me all the time.
She's like, "Oh, honey. Honey, are you seeing anyone?"
"No, Mom, I'm still single."
"Well, you know, you're the oldest of the siblings
and they're all married besides you.
So we're all starting to think
there's something wrong with you." [laughs]
"Yeah, Mom, yeah, there probably is.
Why don't you pay for my... my medical bills for therapy.
And then we'll fix it. I don't know, Mom.
I don't know what to tell you."
So I'm getting tired of her asking me
the same fucking question over and over again.
So finally I decided to just lie to her.
Okay, so my mom isn't very, like, up to date, tech savvy,
doesn't know the new thing.
So I decided to fuck with her.
And she's like, "Honey, you know I'm gonna ask ya,
are you seeing anybody?" I'm like, "Yes, Mom, I am."
She's like, "Oh. What's his name?"
"Netflix."
"Well, that's a weird name. What is he, Korean?"
"Mom, don't be a racist. No, he's from Canada."
"Oh, that's nice. That's right above Wisconsin.
We like that. So tell me all about him."
"Well, I recently added him to my life.
Because I watched him be so original,
he's now one of my top picks.
He makes life a comedy.
But sometimes he can be a horror.
And in the bedroom, he's a total thriller
and fulfills my every fantasy.
And the other night, he made a new release all over my chest!"
"Oh, my God, honey, that's disgusting!
I don't wanna know about your bedroom.
I don't wanna know all of that. Too much information.
I just wanna know if he's--" "Mom.
Netflix is a streaming service."
"So you wanna get peed on?
Oh, that's even more gross. I don't wanna know--"
"Yes, Mom, you know what? I'm gonna go right now,
I'm gonna hang up the phone, 'cause I'm gonna go
find my imaginary boyfriend so he can piss all over me! Bye!"
Now my other side of the family is even worse.
My Filipino side. Oh.
Any Filipinos in here? None of my titas came?
You're like, "I'm half." Yeah, okay.
I see... I'm half clapping right now
'cause my mom is Filipino, but my dad is not.
I got you, boo. I got you.
So every Filipino has a tita that's very inquisitive.
They ask you like what you're doing with your life
all the time, and I have a tita, she's like,
"Anak, do you have a boyfriend?"
I'm like, "No, Tita, I still don't."
"Well, I do not understand. Your cousin, Daryl,
he has a husband and he's not even as cute as you."
"Well, thank you for that backhanded compliment, Tita."
She's like, "I know why you're single.
Do you want to know why?"
"No."
"It is because you're poor.
Because you decide to move to Los Angeles to be an actor
and a comedian when you could have been
a doctor or a lawyer like the rest of your family!"
"Well, yeah, you're probably right, Tita Bong, okay? Fine."
"I have a solution for you. Would you like to know?"
"No."
"Okay, here it goes.
Go out and find a rich, old, white guy."
I'm like, "Tita, I'm Filipino, but not that Filipino."
So I'm actually... I'm half Filipino, half Caucasian.
But growing up in Wisconsin in the '90s,
I didn't get to be either.
I was a Mexican.
I would tell people that I'm Filipino, and they were like,
"Oh, is that slang for Mexican?"
"No, the Philippines. It's a country. The Philippines."
"Oh, so it's a country in Mexico?"
"You can't have a country in a country, you fucking idiot!"
The kids, they were so racist towards me.
The white kids, they'd call me spic and burrito boy
and taco turner.
Never understood that one.
I'm gay, I don't know how to turn a taco.
Even the Mexicans, they would call me a sellout
because I wouldn't speak Spanish to them.
'Cause I didn't know fucking how!
Called me a coconut, brown on the outside,
white on the inside.
Ironically, Filipinos love coconuts.
The only kids that were nice to me were the black kids.
Because they had it worse than I did. [laughs]
And funny enough, when I was in the closet
and I had girlfriends,
they were always the black girls in school.
Which makes sense.
Because gay men have been stealing black women's
personalities for decades.
Let's be honest on that one.
-[light applause] -Right?
Just watch RuPaul's Drag Race, you know what I'm saying.
You know it's true.
The one black girl, I'm like, "Yes, girl."
She was snapping. [laughs]
I was obsessed with black women growing up.
I mean, obsessed. I--
Whitney Houston, Brandy, Monica, SWV,
Brownstone, Jade, TLC.
All of those groups, I was obsessed and--
Janet Jackson, I learned every single one
of Janet Jackson's dances. ♪ I miss you much
Like all of-- every--
-Oh, my God. -[cheering]
All of them! All of them I did!
I even learned one song on the piano. Only one.
♪ I heard from my friend today ♪
♪ And she said you were in town ♪
♪ Suddenly the memor...
My mom would burst into the room like,
"Can you please sing a fucking boy song?"
To this day, I do not know how my mom was surprised
when I came out of the closet.
Oh! So my Filipino dad,
he was not very accepting at first.
Still kind of not. He...
still thinks I'm going through a phase.
I've been out for over 20 years. Uh...
My gayness has outlived disco, Dad.
And he's on Facebook now. And he trolls my Facebook.
And he sees all these pictures with me with beautiful women.
And he calls my brother, he's like,
"I don't understand how your brother's gay.
He's surrounded by hot chicks all the time!"
My brother's like, "Dad, he's gay.
He collects them like baseball cards."
We were in the Philippines once and he tried to trick me.
He said that we were going to a karaoke bar.
I love karaoke, obviously.
And so we were going to a GRO bar.
Which stands for Guest Relations Officer.
In the Philippines, it's just a nice way of saying "prostitute."
So we go to the bar and there's this line of females
down the hallway, all in skimpy dresses.
And my dad's like, "Okay. Pick one."
I'm like, "What, Dad? To sing a duet with?
Which one of you knows "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights?'"
And they all raised their hand, I'm like, "Fucking bullshit!"
Actually, probably not. They probably all did know it.
Filipinos know all songs.
[laughs]
Now, my lola, my Filipino grandmother,
that was a different story.
I actually lived with my grandma,
my senior year in high school
I got kicked out of my house for being gay.
Don't be sad because I got to live with my lola.
That was the best thing ever. I was such a lola's boy.
And but she didn't really wanna accept or even,
like, notice the gay thing.
So one day, she walked in on me...
to a movie.
Yes. And then she comes in and she goes,
"Okay. When you're done washing yourself,
come downstairs, it's time to eat."
True story.
And then she found a magazine underneath my bed.
And I came home from school,
and, uh, there was a Men's Healthmagazine
on top of my bed.
And I said, "Lola, what is this?"
"Well, I found this magazine and this was these guys,
they were not wearing clothes or working out.
And I said, 'You know, this is better for you.'
Okay? So just come downstairs and eat."
[laughs] And then she walked on me and my baseball player.
And she goes, "Well,
when you're done practicing your football...
come downstairs and eat." [laughs]
So finally one day, I was like, "You know what?
I'm coming out to my grandma."
So we were in a car and I was taking her to the grocery store.
And Jewel was playing "Pieces of You."
And it was a song about like discrimination
and homophobia.
And I said to my lola, I said, "Lola, I'm gay."
And she goes, "I'm happy too.
We're all happy."
"No, Lola, I like boys."
"Well, you should like boys. Your brother's a boy.
Your dad is a boy. Your grandpa is a boy."
"No, Lola, I like like boys."
"Oh, okay. You should love them because, you know,
like I said--" "Okay, Lola!
I suck dick!"
[speaks foreign language]
"What do you mean you're sucking things?
You want Lola to go to the baby store
and get you a pacifier? You like to suck suck?
What is this, sucking the pacifier?
Come on, let's go eat eat."
-Thank you guys so much! I... -[cheering]
You've been amazing.
Much love.
[cheering, applause]
Hello, hi. Hi. Oh, hi. Hello.
Nice to... sure, thank you for responding. No one...
It's fine. I'm very happy to be here.
I went to Portland recently.
-To put... Okay. -[person cheers]
Sure.
I went to Portland recently,
and I went to a place called the Sloth Center,
where you can pet sloths.
Did you can you can pet-- legally, you can pet them.
I was petting them, and I asked the lady,
"Can I hold-- can I scoop-- can I just like...
could I... can I hold one? Can I please hold a sloth?"
And she looks at me, and she's like, "Oh, no!
See, we used to let people hold the sloths,
but we had to stop because the sloths kept dying."
And I was like, "What... were people just
fucking squeezing them? [laughs]"
And she said, "Oh, no, it wasn't that.
It was the stress."
"What does that mean?"
And she said, "Well, I don't know if you knew this,
but sloths are the one mammal
without the will to live.
So when they get stressed out,
they just die."
First of all, same...
Uh, second, how fucking chill are sloths?
Are you kidding me?
Can you imagine?
"Can I help you move this weekend?"
"No, see, I would, but I don't wanna die."
"Hey, what happened to Jeremy?"
"Oh, he had a big project due at work, right?
And his in-laws were in town. You know what that's like.
So he's no longer with us."
Can you imagine like a sloth fairytale?
It's like, "Once upon a time,
there was a magical sloth kingdom,
with a beautiful sloth princess.
And she was kidnapped by a dragon.
So the bravest sloth knight in the land...
It was too much pressure for him and he died. Uh...
See, the king and the queen sloth, super bummed out.
They died. Uh...
Well, the princess sloth, now she died immediately.
Right when the dragon got her. She was gone.
And all the sloths in the kingdom lived happily ever--
Just kidding, they died."
Then whatever sloth child you're reading the story to
keels over and dies.
Got uncomfortable when I murdered
the fictional sloth child, huh? That's...
Eh... [blows] Uh...
I am a non-binary trans person.
-[cheering] -Okay, sure. Okay. Thank you.
That doesn't mean that I'm a woman. I'm also not a man.
I know it's like the man show. Sh, don't tell them.
It's too late. They don't know.
I don't think they know what that is.
Uh, I do call myself a boy sometimes.
I spell it with an "i."
If that's confusing for you, what I found that helps
that you can do is eat shit. I don't care if you get it.
It's sort of my thing. Um...
I was talking to my ex's mom, I was talking to his mom
about like non-binary identities.
And I was explaining there's people who fall outside
of the gender binary, right?
Who maybe they're kind of both, maybe they're neither,
there's a lot of ways that you can do it.
And this woman looks at me, in my eyes that I see out of,
and... and she just goes,
"What-- what...
What... [stammers] What..."
I'm like, "Fuck, now I have to have this whole
fucking conversation?"
And she's like, "But...
What would a person like that even dress like?"
Like, "Is that what you were worried about?
Bless your stupid boomer heart.
Also, what do you dress like, Diane? I don't..."
But also, if any of you know what I'm supposed to dress like,
I don't know. I'm doing my best with what I've got.
I am very gay, I'm a very-- I like sort of everybody.
I'm-- everyone, sort of regardless of gender,
or genitals, or lack thereof. Uh...
Don't think too hard about the last part. That's fine.
What that's called in the community,
if you didn't know, when you sort of like everyone,
that's called being very available. Wink, wink, wink.
Wink, wink, wink, wink.
I used to say "bi." I used to ID as bi.
Welcome to the show. Thank you so much.
I've been doing really good. Everyone's very impressed.
Uh...
I used to ID as bi. I don't--
Bi doesn't feel right for me.
It sort of I feel implies a duality that doesn't work
with sort of the way that I work.
I say it because it does sound better
than saying what I actually am, which is pansexual.
Because hot shit, do you sound pretentious as hell
when you say that. Oh, it's bad. It's bad.
There's only two worse words you can put next to "sexual."
And those are "sapio" and "predator."
Those are the only...
the only worse ones.
Doesn't it sound like I'm IDing as like a magical flying boy
in green tights a little bit?
Or like a goatman who lives in a maze kinda?
It's like, "Hello, I'm pansexual.
Oh, these? These are just my Peruvian flutes.
Don't worry about them.
You might have heard them whilst receiving a massage.
Hello, I'm pansexual.
Turn-ons include you solving my riddles, right?
You not solving my riddles. Huh? That's good too.
And then just mazes! Love them! Love mazes!"
The problem is that it's not accurate.
It doesn't-- "pan" means "all."
If you tell someone your sexuality is all,
they're like, "Oh, so like animals?"
"Mm-mm. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
All humans. Huh?"
They're like, "Oh, so like kids?"
"Ooh! Wrong again! Uh...
All consenting adults. That's sort of the..."
They're like, "Oh, even ugly ones?"
"Mm, only cute. Cute's the only thing
that I'm concerned with."
Like, "Oh, so like animals?" You're like, "I'm bi, actually."
The shittiest part about being like bi or pan
or whatever you wanna call it, you gotta date terrible copies
of both your parents, that sucks.
Nobody warns you about that.
I meet people and I'm like, "Oh, you just have daddy issues?
That's cute. That's so cute."
I'm non-monogamous too.
Sometimes I'll introduce my partners,
and they'll start dating,
and I have to worry, am I really like
putting two people 'cause I think they'll get along,
or am I trying to Parent Trap a couple of sluts?
You know what I...?
I do live a very slutty lifestyle.
Uh, the other day, I looked down at my stuff,
and there was stuff on my stuff
that's not supposed to be on my stuff.
And I lost my mind.
I called my partner, I was like, "I've got herpes.
Our life is over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"
And they're like, "It's fine. Go get tested.
We'll figure it out." And the place that I liked was closed.
So I drove across town
and I got there right as they were, like, they were closing.
And I walked into the nurse and I'm like,
"Hey, there's stuff on my stuff
that's not supposed-- can you look at--
I need someone to see my stuff and look at my stuff."
And the nurse was like, "What?"
And I was like, "There's just-- can you look--
I need someone to look at the stuff."
"Do you want a doctor to look--" I was like, "Yes. Perfect.
Thank you." And I went in the room
and a doctor came in and he was like,
"Oh, that's not herpes. You're fine. That's just a skin thing."
I was like, "Hell yeah. Tight. Thank you. Thank you.
I know you didn't do it, but thank you.
Thank you for this gift that you've given to me."
But I was like I haven't been tested in a little bit,
so the next morning I went to the place that I do like
and I saw a new doctor there
who was the oldest man maybe alive.
And I walk into his office
and he's blasting aggressive classical music
from a phone on his desk.
Which is a weird doctor's office atmosphere to stumble into.
Uh, and I take my pants off, and I'm like,
"It's just like a skin thing." And he's like, "That's herpes."
"What?"
I was like, "For sure, though, what if it isn't, though, huh?
What if it's not? What if it's just a skin thing,
as I've been told before?"
And he's like, "Well, check this out."
And he pulls out what I can only describe
as a scrapey boy, just the scrapiest boy,
the scrapiest boy that ever did scrape.
And he starts scraping, and it's bad.
It hurts very much.
And he's scraping.
And at one point he stops, and he's like, "Huh!"
And I'm like, "Huh?"
And he's like, "Huh!" And I'm like, "What's 'huh?'"
And he's like, "Well, if this were herpes,
-I could break it open." -[woman] Oh, Jesus.
-[laughter, groans] -"But I can't."
And I'm like, "Okay. What is that?"
And he's like, "Yeah, I don't think this is herpes."
And I'm like, "Word." And he's like,
"I think it's just a skin thing."
"Oh, cool, like what I said when I came--
Thank you for confirming with your second opinion."
And he's like, "I really wanna break it open."
I was like, "You have to stop. You are not allowed...
any longer." And I pull my pants back up,
which hurts in itself because of what he's done. Uh...
And he looks at me and he's like,
"Well, you know what you should do?
You should get a circumcision."
I'm 30.
Like, "No, I'm not also..." And he's like,
"Well, it's just like it's a problem with the skin.
Take that skin right off."
Just not a solution that any other skin trouble
has ever been offered.
"Oh, you got a rash on your shoulder?
Lop that arm off, baby.
You don't need that."
But also like I can't help but just imagine, like,
me in a waiting room and it's just babies in there with me.
I'm like, "Hey, you know if this guy's any good?
I looked on Yelp, but all the reviews just said,
'Goo goo, gah gah.'
Four stars. Why not five?"
It's a one person applause break. Thank you, I'll take it.
One enthusiastic clapper.
I was on a train and I saw what we call in the industry
a very hot daddy. Do you know about these?
Have you heard about these?
They're just out there in the world.
They're very good. Uh...
And I realized, though,
that I do not know how to flirt with daddies. [laughs]
I don't know. 'Cause my own relationship with my dad
is dog shit. Right? Like...
My only exposure to daddies
has been sitcom daddies,
and that doesn't translate.
That's not sexy. I can't walk up and be like,
"Hey, I saw you there on the train.
I thought maybe, if you feel like it,
we could take a walk in a park
and then, you know, you could
teach me to throw a football, huh?
No?
Hey, I thought if you were feeling up to it
we could drive out to an abandoned parking lot
and, you know, if the mood's right,
maybe you could show me how to parallel park.
Because I don't... know how to do that.
Hey, I saw you on the train,
and I sure hope this isn't too forward,
but I thought maybe you and I could go on back to my place
and if the chemistry is there maybe you could...
have my dog put down
and then explain death to me conceptually."
None of that's hot, right? None of that's... sexy.
My own personal life experience is worse even, though.
I can't be like, "Hey, I saw you there on the train
and I was hoping that maybe we could not talk to each other
for two to three years at a time,
and then at the end of two to three years,
we do talk to each other and we act like two or three years
haven't gone by but they have. They totally have, right?
'Cause like I look in your eyes, right, and there's love,
but there's also resentment 'cause like I stopped
your life, you know what I mean?
'Cause you were traveling the globe, which admittedly
is some bullshit white dude nonsense.
It has to stop at some point, but you had a kid at 25?
I'm 30, I can't even take care of myself.
I can't imagine being in charge of another life.
But you had this kid so you had to get a real job.
Which you resented forever, but you would never talk about that
'cause you're from the Midwest. You don't know how
to talk about your emotions, so there's like
there's an elephant in the room, this thing between us,
this white hot ball of, I'm just gonna call it hate,
it's hate, there's hate between us.
And that's why we're never gonna have a healthy relationship!
You know, if you're into that sort of thing... [laughs]
And then later I can come out of your balls. Is that..."
See, now I think that's too gross at the end.
I don't know.
When two people are, though, when two people are, like,
doing like a sex at each other, you know what I mean,
when two people are, uh, doing that,
and then one of them, right, and then one of them
stops responding to texts or calls,
you can't get a hold of them at all, we call that--
we call that ghosting. Right?
They vanish from your life,
you never see or hear from them again.
Except that is not what ghosts do.
That's not what ghosts...
That's not what ghosts are known for.
I feel like if you vanish from someone's life
and they never see or hear from you again,
that should be called dying right?
I think that's...
And then like later, and then like after that,
if like way later you like, you sneak into their house
when no one's home and move all their shit around,
or you hide up in the attic and you're just like,
"Ooh!
We used to fuck!"
That should be ghosting, I feel.
At the very least, ghosting should be
when you go on like a really nice date
and he sits behind you and sensually guides your hands
while you make a vase, you know what...?
Uh, there was a movie called Ghostthat came out...
like a while ago.
It's like the most famous-- we can talk about it later.
That's fine.
[laughs]
I just picking-- it's fine.
I'm glad that we had this talk, though, thank you.
I do like stupid movies. I like stupid TV.
I love the Transformers, you know the Transformers?
♪ Sometimes it's a car You know that one?
Here's what I like more than the Transformersconceptually.
I like Decepticon decals on shitty, rundown cars.
That's my favorite shit.
Because Decepticons were badass, right?
Decepticons were like tanks and helicopters.
I like to imagine that the shitty, rundown cars
are also Decepticons.
And they're just at a meeting like,
"Well, you all know Starscream, he's a fighter jet.
This one is Steve.
He's a '91 Ford Taurus.
Now, be nice to him. I know one of his doors
doesn't match the rest, he's very... self-conscious.
Steve, anything to add?"
And Steve's just like, "My check engine light won't shut off!"
I feel like that episode just ends with Megatron
trying to sell Steve on Craigslist.
Except Steve won't sell so now he just drives for Lyft.
-Uh... -[audience] Oh!
"Oh's" on that? Okay.
"Kill a fictional sloth child,
you make this Decepticon a Lyft driver."
I can make that joke, I did used to drive for Lyft.
Uh, my favorite three things that happened
when I was driving for Lyft: one time,
a man got into my car and then he explained
the entirety of the coffee industry to me.
I didn't ask.
Guess his race. It was white!
Uh...
And at the end, I was like, "That's actually--
I didn't know any of that.
That's actually really interesting."
And he looks at me and he's like,
"Yeah, well, there's a lot to chew on in coffee."
And I said, "Not if you make it right."
And he was like, "What?"
And I was like, "'Cause you...
'cause you said there's a lot to chew on in...
You said there's a lot to chew on in coffee."
And he's like, "Yeah, I know,
it's a very complicated industry."
I was like, "No, I got what you--
I understood... I feel like you didn't understand--
Hm.
'Cause if you take what you said literally..."
And he's like, "I don't follow."
And the rest of that ride was silent.
The other one that I liked...
Oh, there's a backstory here.
Right after Donald Trump won the thing,
I was like, "I should own a baseball bat."
So I bought a baseball bat.
And put it in the trunk of my car, forgot about it.
Uh, so a businessman with his business shit
puts the stuff in my trunk and he gets in the car.
And we're driving for a little bit and he looks at me,
and he's like, "You play baseball?"
And I was like, "What? No.
What?" And he's like,
"You don't... you don't play baseball?"
I was like, "Do I look like I play? No. What?"
And he's like, "You got a baseball bat in your trunk."
I was like, "Oh. [laughs] That's for Nazis."
The rest of that ride was also silent.
And then the last one, the one that I liked the most,
I think, a middle-aged white woman... boo!
Uh... got into my car,
and we passed a van that was up on a curb,
and the driver of that van happened to be an Asian person.
And she looks at that and then she looks at me,
and she's like...
"Guess that's how they drive in China."
And I was like, "Okay, okay. Okay."
And I realized this person thinks that I am white.
It's a mistake that some people make sometimes.
I'm not. My mom is from Korea,
and my dad has what I like to refer to as
"big sex tourist energy." Uh...
Which is why I exist. Uh...
But I look at her and I'm like,
"Hey, can I ask you a question real quick?"
And she's like, "Sure."
And I'm like, "Could you tell, before you said that just now,
that I am Asian American?"
And she said...
[exhales]
"No. Couldn't tell that."
And I was like, "Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Follow-up question:
If you had been able to tell
that I am Asian American,
would you still have said that to me just now?"
And she thought about it, and she was like,
"Hm. I don't think that I would have."
I was like, "Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight,
tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Hey, last question:
Why'd you say it then?"
And she got like very like, at first she was like,
"I actually used to live in China."
I was like, "That doesn't matter." Uh...
And the rest of that ride was not silent at all.
So much apologizing from this woman.
So much apologizing!
And I actually-- no, I genuinely felt like she listened to me.
I actually felt like she learned like,
"Hey, if you're not comfortable saying something
around someone from a marginalized group,
maybe don't say it even when they're not there."
And then as soon as she got out of my car,
I had her removed from the Lyft platform.
Take that shit to Uber, what are you doing?
One strike! Uh...
All right, I thought more of a anti-racist..
-But no, that's forced. -[cheering]
That is performative allyship. Uh... [laughs]
I'm in a lot of stupid Facebook groups.
I'm in a lot of free psychic advice Facebook groups
because they're so funny.
Uh, I have a podcast. It's called Psychic Friendz.
Look it up. Whatever. Uh...
But there's one version of psychic requests
that is my absolute favorite.
And that is someone will post a picture
of their very cute, very recently deceased animal.
And they'll be like, "This is my dog.
Can a psychic please connect with my dog?"
I don't think that that's fair.
Because you are asking me to have two very distinct powers.
You know what I mean? It's like,
"Is my dog in the room?" "Yes."
"What's it saying?" "I don't know, it's a dog.
I'm not...
Woof-woof, I think. I'm not...
Is it hungry? I don't know what your dog...
I'm not Dr. Dolittle.
I'm certainly not Dr. Boolittle."
What's that? Yes, that is the stupidest thing I've ever said.
Thank you. Thank you for keeping score.
Uh, I am eight years sober.
-I'm... oh. So weird. -[cheering]
I didn't know you would clap when I said that. Um...
I did, see? That's fine.
I wanna tell you a drug story, though, from the past,
if that's fine, it's-- we're doing it. Uh...
I was in Atlanta,
and I was at a bar and I was very drunk.
And a friend of mine came up to me and elbowed me
and was like, "I just saw... I just saw a skinny guy
and a big guy go into the same bathroom stall.
I think it was some gay shit."
I was like, "No, stupid. That was a drug deal.
Also, which bathroom stall? Just so that I know...
For no reason at all, I'm just cur--
I'm trying to paint a picture."
So I go to the bathroom and I find the guy
and I'm like, "Hey, buddy. Are you hold--
Do you-- are you holding-- are you hold-- do you--
Can I buy drugs from you please?"
And he says, "That depends. You a cop?"
Which... I'm not a cop.
If I were a cop, "that depends" is very incriminating.
All right? Right? As if I'm like,
"Yes, I am a cop." And he'll be like,
"In that case, no I don't." I'll say, "All right.
I'm glad I asked, on my way."
And I'm like, "I'm not a cop. You can totally sell me drugs.
It's fine. Let's... can I have some please?"
And he's like, "All right, let me see your ID."
To make sure I'm of age, I guess.
But I was like, "What?" He's like, "To see if you're a cop."
I was like, oh... IDs don't say that.
Nowhere on my ID does it say either "cop" or "not cop."
Neither of those... are featured.
And he's like, "Let me see your ID."
I was like, "Okay." And I gave him my ID.
He's like, "All right, what do you want?"
"No, no, no, back to my thing.
Because you need a better screening--
I could be-- I'm not a cop. I could be a cop.
I could still be a cop. I'm not a cop.
Please sell me drugs." Uh...
And he sold me what he told me was a gram of cocaine,
but what was actually a gram of meth in powdered form.
-[audience groans] -Mm. You can tell who parties.
Based on that reaction.
The clapping isn't helping, people still know.
Here's-- okay, so a gram of cocaine, don't do it.
Coke is bad. Eh. Don't do it.
A gram you can do, you'll be fine, health--
Maybe, whatever. Uh...
A gram of meth, though, is supposed to last you
three to four days.
Any guesses what I did in that one night?
Oh, I'll tell you. It was a gram of meth. Uh...
Here's the thing. When you do cocaine,
you feel like... you feel smart
and good and you feel like,
"Yeah, I'm the best at conversations."
And you feel all of these... euphoric things.
When you do meth, though,
you get energy and then you feel energy
and then you get energy and then you're mad!
And then you get energy...
and then you clean whatever is around you
that can be cleaned.
It's a chores drug, basically. It's a drug for chores.
And what followed after that was the worst
three to four days of my--
The moral of the story...
don't do meth. Uh...
The second moral of the story is don't do coke in Atlanta.
It's probably meth.
I told that story to a friend of mine and he was like,
"That actually reminds me of when I used to do coke,
but it was mostly meth."
You used to do coke, but it was most--
You know that we actually have a phrase for that,
when you do coke but it's mostly meth?
It's called doing meth.
Who are you trying to impress right now?
You couldn't do that with anything else.
You couldn't be like, "I got you this sterling silver ring.
It's mostly tin foil." Well...
that's a tin foil ring.
"Cooked you a five course dinner.
It's mostly five bowls of cereal."
Well, it's a cereal party. It's not what--
"I got you this dozen red roses. It's mostly meth."
Too much meth, I feel.
I'm gonna tell you one more story,
and that'll be the end of my part of this.
"No, don't go!" I have to. I have to. I have to.
Um, I'm also-- I'm one of the depression ones.
Do you know about those? Just sad all the time?
You know those ones, the sad-- yeah, that's me.
Hello. Okay, sure. Did you just dab?
No, unacceptable.
Uh... [laughs] You can dab if you want.
Which is a terrible song. Um...
One time, right after college,
it got very bad.
And I was like, "I'm actually fucking done, I think.
I'm done. I'm checking out. I'm cashing out."
And I had a bottle of pills, and I had a bottle of alcohol.
And before you get too uncomfortable,
don't worry.
I didn't end up killing myself. [laughs]
You guys know how this one ends already,
based on context clues.
I had a little voice in the back of my head that was like,
"Call a hotline." So I did.
I picked up my phone and I called a hotline.
And the guy picked up and he was like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Bad. [laughs]
I'm calling you."
And he's like, "What's your name?"
I was like, "I was really hoping that I could stay anonymous.
I don't wanna share my name.
I was hoping I could like keep that."
And he's like, "Hey, if I don't get your name,
I don't get funding. I will hang up on you.
What is your name?"
Like, "Why are you yelling at me?
I'm sad."
And I told him and he's like, "All right, Dash.
Where you calling from?" I was like, "Is this a fucking
radio show talk? What are we doing?"
And I opened up to him and I told him I feel trapped
in my life, I feel like I can't really change the things
I'm unhappy with, but I also feel like I don't
super give a shit anymore. But I also feel like
no one else gives a shit. And I opened up to him
for like three minutes before he cut me off.
And he was like, "All right!
We like to move things along over here.
So I'm gonna get off the phone with you.
But before I go, on a scale of one to five,
one being you'll absolutely kill yourself
when you get off the phone,
and five being you'll, I don't know, think about it,
where would you say you are?"
And I was like, "Yeah, I don't know, man.
Probably like a three?"
And he said, "Great." And he hung up the phone.
I swear to God.
And that is... without a doubt,
the funniest thing that's ever happened to me!
Are you kidding?
And I was like laughing and crying and laughing,
to the point where I'm like, "I can't go out on that note.
That's... way too funny."
But also I don't think that a kind, empathetic person
could have talked me off of that ledge, though.
You know what I mean? I needed that asshole.
But also, one to five? You can't even give me one to ten, dog?
What the fuck is that?
Was that just his first day,
and afterwards his supervisor was like,
"Well, I got some notes for you.
On that last one,
number one, good use of... enthusiasm. Right? That's--
Number two, and this is just the littlest nitpick.
But that person is certainly dead now.
So... probably avoid that in the future."
Thank God I'm not a sloth, you know what I mean?
I want to believe in him though. You know what I mean?
Like, I want to think that he meant well
and he's doing his best and he doesn't know
he's just like barreling through life ruining everything.
You know? I want to think that like tonight,
like earlier tonight, he was at a really nice restaurant,
sitting across from a beautiful young woman,
and he's just looking at her lovingly,
and he's like, "All right! Move it along!
We gotta get out of here! What are you doing?"
So they leave, and they're walking through the park,
and suddenly she realizes it's the park where they met.
And she remembers that like it was yesterday.
He had just come up to her and been like,
"What's your name? I gotta know where you're from!"
She's so caught up in the nostalgia of it,
she doesn't even realize he's gotten down on one knee.
And he just looks up at her and he opens that ring box,
and he's like, "All right! On a scale of one to five,
one being you do not want to marry me,
and five being you'll, I don't know, think about it."
And she just looks down at him with tears in her eyes,
and is like... [sniffs] "I don't know, man.
Probably like a three?"
[scattered clapping]
What a weird slow clap you did. That's been my sad--
I just had to talk about them clapping, though.
Just the one. Hey, that's been me! I'm Dash Kwiatkowski!
-Thank you so much. Um... -[cheering, applause]
Goodbye.
Good evening, North Hollywood shopping district.
I just want to say what a pleasure it is for you
to be here tonight.
Oh! I don't know about you, I was very, very
excited and anxious for 2020 to begin.
Uh, until about eleventeen minutes after midnight
into 2020.
For me, that is because that is when I got an incorrect text,
a text message from someone, they were in the wrong thread
saying things they did not mean to say.
It's happened to all of us.
Maybe it's been your boss or your spouse.
For me, I got a text at eleventeen minutes
after midnight that said,
"I can't wait until you come over here tomorrow
and you're inside me."
And then I quickly got in all caps, "Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
I didn't mean that for you! I didn't mean that for you!
I didn't mean that for you!"
So I texted back in all lowercase letters,
"I certainly hope not, Mom."
[sighs] She said, "Are you mad at me?
Are you mad at me?" I said, "How can I be mad?
I clearly learned it from you."
And I wish that was a joke.
Uh... [laughs]
Um, 2020 has already been a very good year for me
'cause 2019 ended very poorly.
The Sunday before Christmas,
the Lord's birthday, uh...
if you're into that sort of thing,
uh, the week before that, I had gradually no longer
been able to put weight on my left foot.
I went to using a cane to using crutches.
And it wasn't getting better
and I was avoiding going to the doctor
'cause we live in America, so that's really not a thing
for most of us.
Uh...
And the Sunday before Christmas, at 3:00 in the morning,
I woke up in excruciating pain shooting up my leg
and my foot had swollen to twice its size.
And it was purple.
So I pulled out my insurance card
and called the nurse's hotline on the back
to see if I was allowed to go to the hospital to die.
Rather than doing it in the comfort and cheapness
of my own home.
And I called and a woman named Deborah answered.
And I explained to her what'd been going on
the last five days, and my foot had swollen
and it was purple, and she said,
"Oh, what shade?"
I wasn't aware that Blue Shield had a paint swatch system
by which to measure the emergency, so I said,
"It's the shade of Elizabeth Taylor's eyes, Deborah.
Can I please go to the hospital?
Mother, may I?"
And so she said, "That's very bad.
You might have a blood clot."
And blood clotting runs in my family. Good genes!
And so she said, she told me to call the ambulance.
So I called the ambulance, and as a gay man,
I'm terrified I haven't showered in days
and my room is a mess, and I have a wonderful housemate,
he went downstairs to greet them,
offer them a quick aperitif.
Uh... 'cause we live in West Hollywood and there are rules.
And he sent them upstairs to where I live.
And two EMTs walked in,
one really tall, one really short.
Both hot as hell. 'Cause, again, it's West Hollywood.
And there are rules.
And the tall one would not look at me at all.
He walked into the room with his eyes to the ground
like he was Sling Blade, just like, "I don't...
I... mm..."
And immediately I'm-- the other one was making
total eye contact.
And I'm immediately thinking, "Oh, my God.
He's horrified at how messy the house is."
And then my housemate is looking at me from behind
the short one going... [whispers] "Look around!"
And I suddenly see with new eyes the room in which I live.
Which is filled with homoerotic art.
And when I say homoerotic "art,"
I mean like photographs of a porn star's balls,
but on an orchid and in black and white.
So it's art.
So I realize the tall one isn't looking at me.
Now, for the record, I tend to be attracted to very tall men.
I'm always attracted to tall men.
I like a tall man that I can lean into
and feel like a lady.
That wasn't supposed to be funny. Fuck you.
Um...
But tall men tend to not like me.
I'm not usually attracted to super short guys.
But short guys always into me.
And if this town has taught me anything,
it's you go where the work is.
[cheering]
So now I'm just focusing on Mario Kart here.
He's being very sweet.
They're like, "Yeah, we better get to the hospital."
[laughs] They get me to the hospital,
all kinds of tests, hours and hours and hours,
the entire day, and event-- they can't figure out
what it is, it's not a blood clot.
It starts getting more and more serious.
And then they tell me I might have a rare condition
by which they may have to open up my entire foot
all the way up to my knee.
And that it is possible I could lose my left foot
during this process.
Now, in fairness, I have almost never used my feet
my entire life.
Ten thousand steps is a myth and a lie.
There are days I've only taken 37 steps
and I'm proud of that 'cause they're all bathroom
and refrigerator trips.
That's a lot harder to do.
Welcome. Can I get you anything? Maybe a watch?
Um...
No, you're adorable. I love those boots.
I wanna wear them.
[sighs, laughs]
So while I'm waiting to find out if I'm going
to potentially lose my foot, I do what all comedians would do
in traumatic moments, I start writing in my phone.
Frantically writing.
'Cause I realize I'm gonna have to write an entire new act
because I'm not gonna have a fucking foot.
You can't just walk onstage with like one of those
springy boomerang legs...
and not acknowledge it.
So I'm frantically writing for hours and hours,
and I start texting friends,
and most of my friends are comedians.
So I'm texting comedians things I'm writing.
And I'm getting responses like, "Brad, that material is great.
You gotta lose that foot."
A friend of mine who works at Netflix is like,
"Brad, I don't know how to say this,
but if you lose that foot you're gonna get a Netflix deal."
And then my one friend Joel texts me back and goes,
"Brad, forget about the comedy.
Think of the parking."
So now the doctor comes back in and I'm like,
"What do I have to do to talk you to take off this foot?
Today. Sir."
[laughs] I...
I didn't lose the foot, as you can see.
This is... real.
Uh... but it was very serious.
And one of the ways I knew the doctor was serious,
and I want to share with you 'cause I thought he was joking,
is he said, "How long has this been going on?"
I said, "Honestly, it's been almost seven days
that I've been in a lot of pain."
And he said, "How much pain?" And I said, "Honestly,
so much pain that I haven't been able to shower or masturbate
in seven days."
Which I thought was being cheeky.
And he went, "Oh, God."
And he went, "That's not healthy at all."
And I assumed he meant the showering.
And he said, "No, Brad, the masturbating."
Because I am over 40, just gently, just gently over 40.
And he said, "Brad, over 40 you have to be concerned
about prostate health.
So it's best you masturbate once to twice a day,
just for medical reasons."
I said, "You don't have to talk to me twice about that, sir.
I've been practicing my whole life."
But he said, "No, honestly,
think of it as basic maintenance.
Think of masturbating twice a day
like brushing your teeth twice a day."
I said, "Well, there is a distinct difference, though.
For instance, I have never needed a belt around my neck
to finish brushing my teeth."
Everyone here, autoerotic asphyxiation.
Everyone here, horrified.
Fucking Puritans.
But then I also thought, you know it's always that thing
of like when you want something really bad, you never get it.
And then when you don't need it, it arrives.
So you're out of work for a while,
you're going on job interviews, soon as you get a great job,
five other places call to give you a job.
You're on a dating low, you finally find a great guy or gal,
or whatever mammal you're into, and suddenly ten appear.
And I just thought the minute they cut that foot off,
I'm gonna go to a gay bar and the hottest man I've ever seen
is gonna walk over to me, be totally into me,
and halfway through the conversation,
I'm gonna find out he's a foot fetishist.
And he's gonna look at me and say, "Brad,
what do I have to do-- what are the chances
I'm gonna get to take you home tonight
and suck on those toes?"
"Mm, 50-50."
I was informed recently by a friend that I am a bean queen.
-[man] What? -Thank you.
A bean queen is someone who, uh,
tends to date and sleep with only people of Latino origin.
Hi! Good to see you too. Does this look familiar?
Um...
That's a truck stop joke, for those of you
who were raised in the city.
Um, I do-- listen. If you're Mexican,
Puerto Rican, Dominican, basically, yes you can.
Uh...
But that is not-- I want you to know I do not
fetishize Latino people.
It is just Latino people historically
have been very attracted to me, and I am a narcissist.
And I am expo-- exponentially more attracted to you
based on how attracted to me you are.
And Latino men just like a little meat on the bone.
A little gordita.
Which is what they tend to call me when I walk down the street.
Which I assume means pretty lady because...
I went to public school and I barely speak English.
I do love Latin men, but they love to talk in bed.
And actually, shockingly enough,
I don't like a lot of chitchat in bed.
I talk for a living, shut the fuck up.
Which is why I like truly Latino men
because if you barely speak English
and that accent is real thick,
like you're so Brazilian it sounds like you're deaf...
[laughter]
Now I know who's had sex with a lot of Brazilians.
[laughs] That's the kind of-- I dated a Cuban guy for a while.
He was a Cuban bandleader in Miami.
Basically made me Lucille Ball in that scenario.
And he used to talk all the time during sex.
He would just be like, "Yeah, you like that?
You like that?" "Yeah, I like it."
"You like that?" "I just told you I liked it."
"You like that? You like--" "I like it!
There's a nine-inch penis inside of me!
If I didn't like it, I would donkey-kick you out of me!"
Yeah, that got the women on my side.
But he always wanted me to call him Daddy.
And he was 41 and this tall, but okay.
I'm a people pleaser.
And you know when someone says something terrible in bed,
like out of the blue, like at least if it's someone
you've been dating a long time, you're like, "Oh, baby.
No, no, no, no."
But when it's like new...
One of the first times we hooked up,
he's like, "Call me Daddy." I'm like, "Okay.
I'm your boy and you're Daddy."
And he's like, "Tell Daddy you like it."
"I like it, Daddy."
"Say it louder." "I like it, Daddy."
And then he said, "Say it louder!"
And smacked my ass. I went, "I like it, Daddy!"
And he put his hand over my mouth,
and went, "Sh! We don't want Mom to hear."
Nope!
No! Absolutely not!
Who do you think you are, my uncle? Simmer down!
And you're allowed to laugh at that
'cause my uncle is hot and imaginary.
I'm available for children's birthday parties
and bar mitzvahs, by the way.
I do love accents, though, all accents.
Not just Latino accents, European accents,
Asian accents, New Jersey.
Uh... but accents can get you in trouble.
I was performing on a gay cruise not too long ago,
and I went home with one of the guests
who had come to my show.
And he had some kind of Eastern European kind of,
"Vlah, vlah, vlah, vlah..."
Draculian kind of thing going on.
I didn't ask because, you know, shut up.
And we went back to his room and we started having sex.
And then he said something I always hate hearing
in the bedroom, he said,
"Brad, I want you to get on top."
I hate that.
For two reasons.
First of all, I always think you're trying to trick me
into doing cardio.
And I see you.
Secondly, I paid attention in physics,
and I know that a body in motion tends to stay in motion.
And I have acquired a significant amount of body.
So if I'm riding your dick kind of full side saddle,
just...
'Cause you gotta exhale and bevel to look pretty, girls.
You know, we're gonna get out of sync
between the waves and motion, and suddenly it's gonna look
like a water bed is riding your dick.
And at least if you're a gal with boobs,
um, when you're on top, it's pretty, it's fun,
it's, "Oh, my titties are bouncing!"
I assume. I...
It is in no way attractive if I'm on top of you going,
"Oh, my titties are bouncing!
Oh, my hairy titties!
Ahh!"
So I got on top...
and then just like "Don't tell Mom,"
he said something...
Out of nowhere, out of nowhere, no lead-in, he goes,
"I want you to shit on my chest."
-[audience groans] -Thank you!
And he wasn't even German, so it took me by total surprise.
[sighs] Someone went, "Totally." Um...
Now, first of all, you just can't lead with that.
You gotta butter a girl up
before we get into "shit on my chest."
So I just ignore it, thinking, "We're just gonna let that lie."
And he keeps saying, "No, it'll be so hot.
Shit on my chest. Shit all over..." [gags]
First of all, I have never in my entire-- okay.
Side story. Possibly once did I accidentally--
It happens. You're a bottom.
If you go down a rabbithole, don't get mad at me
that you found a rabbit. Okay?
I was in my early 20s,
I went home with a one night stand in New York City
to his hotel room... [sighs]
I had to be on top again, and now,
as a grown 40... year old man,
if we're having sex and something starts to happen,
I will just stop it, you know?
So I was on top of him, right, just...
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo
And suddenly I realized something had gone awry.
The Oompa Loompahs at the factory...
they were off their choreography.
Now, if that were to happen now,
I would simply settle down on you and go, "Honey,
we are gonna have to hold each other
and just Human Centipede to the bathroom."
'Cause it's an occupational hazard.
But I was in my early 20s,
and you have a lot of shame as a bottom in your early 20s,
a lot, about things like that, about poop.
And I was much younger and much leaner and slimmer.
And I had trained as a dancer. I know it's shocking.
But up until about 25, this used to dance
on national tours of musicals.
And then this Brad ate that Brad...
to steal his power 'cause there can be only one.
So I thought, in my naivety and my flexibility,
that I would be able to jetee off of him,
land, pull up into a soutenu,
and kind of steam heat to the bathroom.
That is not what happened.
What happened was I leapt into a full Martha Graham
"Appalachian Spring" sidekick.
[sighs]
And what can only be described as shrapnel...
peppered the Sheraton Hotel room.
I quickly grabbed my clothes, got dressed and ran out.
And I am still not allowed to stay
in the Sheraton Hotel chain.
So anyway, cut to 20 years later.
I'm riding Dracula's dick.
And he says it, and I'm like, "You know what?
I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna speed up and I'm gonna cum
and I'm gonna go.
He won't be the first man I've disappointed in bed,
and he will not be the last.
The Yelp reviews are terrible." Uh...
So I'm speeding up and he's thinking I'm speeding up
to do it.
And so he's like, "Oh, yeah. It'll be so hot.
Just shit on my chest."
And so I'm like, "Oh, God, no!"
And I arrive.
And he goes, "See? Wasn't that sexy?"
With his accent, he had been saying, "Shoot on my chest."
Which means I came this close to the worst guest comment card
that cruise line has ever gotten about a performer.
Just two quick more things. 'Cause you're lovely!
I love you. The...
I... I was just on an Atlantis gay cruise.
It was amazing. I have performed on a lot of them.
If you are a homosexual or a fruit fly,
you should definitely check them out.
They are a good time.
They... they let me go on excursions for free,
on ship excursions.
And recently I went on one of the dolphin excursions.
Now, before the lesbians get mad,
I know we're not supposed to keep the aquatic animals
in captivity, and I do agree with that about a lot of them.
But I don't know if you know this, but dolphins are assholes.
Uh, you should Google "dolphin rape."
They are really sexually aggressive.
They will rape anything that has a pulse in the sea.
Really sexual, seriously.
Like Flipper was the Bill Cosby of the sea.
It's a bad scene.
And this particular dolphin experience was in captivity,
but it was injured dolphins who couldn't be released
to the wild, so they had to kind of sing for their supper.
I relate.
So we go and they train you how to do all this stuff.
And at the very end, they have two dolphins and they're like,
"Brad, you're gonna like kind of washboard your body
and flex your feet and go out like that,
and they're gonna come up behind you and push your feet
and you're gonna go forward like that
and we'll get the picture,
the photographer will get the picture.
It'll be gorgeous." So we do it.
And then right when I finish,
the two dolphins start circling me,
just rolling all over me.
And it's beautiful, they're just these beautiful, elegant,
majestic inner tubes of muscle and sleekness.
And then I just-- I get pulled by both of the trainers
out of the water.
And they whistle and the dolphins,
they're yelling at the dolphins.
And I'm like, "What? Did I--" I thought I hurt them.
I was so worried. And the one guy looks at me and goes,
"Dude, I don't know how to tell you this,
but you were about to get fucked."
And I said, "So why'd you pull me out?"
And he said, "No, no, you don't understand.
They would have taken you by your arms and your legs
to the bottom of the tank where we wouldn't have been able
to get to you, and one would hold you down forcibly,
while the other just searched for holes on your body
to stick it in!"
And I said, "So why'd you pull me out?
And do you have an oxygen tank?"
And that is why I'm not allowed
at the Port of Vallarta Dolphin Experience anymore.
I will leave you with this.
I am very gay. Some might say too gay.
And it is fair because I spend a lot of my life performing
for all gay audiences, gay prides,
gay charities, gay cruises.
And I love it, I love my community.
I'm very proud to be part of this community.
But when you do that much-- you spend that much time
around our own people, it makes it very difficult
to interact with heterosexuals.
Like I'll spend too much time with all of us,
and then I'll walk into a store and just be like,
"Yes, honey! Come! Fear us!"
And they're like, "Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.
What do you want?"
And I know this because I recently came back to LA
after months on the road, on the gay road.
And... the Yellow Brick Road of my career.
And I went to go do a gig at a comedy club by my house,
and I got to hang out with one of my favorite
straight male comedians, a guy named Josh Mann.
And we were gonna go out for drinks after the set.
And we finish and he goes, "Just wait a second.
I need to go out back of the club,"
where sometimes comedians hang out.
"But I'll be back in a minute." Like 15, 20 minutes goes by.
I'm like, "Where the hell is he?"
And he comes back and he goes, "Oh, it's okay, dude.
I just had to do a little..."
And I went, "Gross." He went, "What?"
And I went, "You were eating someone's pussy
behind the club?" And he went, "What?
Why would you think I was eating someone's pussy?"
I went, "'Cause you went like that."
He went, "Brad, this is smoking."
I said, "No, it's not. This is smoking."
He said, "Who the hell smokes like that?"
I said, "Bette Davis, you goddamn animal."
-Thank you all so much. -[cheering]
[music plays]
♪ You saw me down the way
♪ Down the way
♪ You saw me down the way
♪ Down the way
♪ You say love Well, it's a four letter word ♪
♪ But how quickly hate makes it all blurred ♪
♪ The pot stirred with some dirt thrown in ♪
♪ Can't even tell how it all began ♪
♪ I'm taking a look back the man in the mirror ♪
♪ As if Windex could make it any clearer... ♪
[microphone droans]