1 00:00:00,696 --> 00:00:02,524 [microphone droans] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,929 ♪ 5 00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:19,584 [inhales] 6 00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:23,023 Oh, hey. Owen Alabado here. 7 00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:25,460 Just doing a little pre-show ritual, 8 00:00:25,590 --> 00:00:29,942 a little tai chi to get my Zen in before I get on stage. 9 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,640 But I also gotta release a little energy 10 00:00:31,770 --> 00:00:34,686 with a little bit of martial arts and karate! 11 00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:36,384 Hey, everybody, I'm Brad Loekle. 12 00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,168 And I wanted to show you one of the secrets 13 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,301 to doing comedy after the age of 40, 14 00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:42,042 and that is male Spanx. 15 00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,653 What you do is you cut off most of your blood flow 16 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,437 and your oxygen supply, 17 00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:48,439 but you look about a half an inch skinnier. 18 00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,921 So now I just look like a beluga whale instead of a manatee. 19 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,966 I'll see you guys at the show, I can't wait. 20 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:56,621 Hey, I'm Dash Kwiatkowski and this is not scripted at all, 21 00:00:56,752 --> 00:00:58,275 or rehearsed. 22 00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:01,148 I'm excited because I'm having my makeup done professionally. 23 00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:02,410 Normally, I do my own makeup. 24 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,673 And my secret is that I do it poorly. 25 00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:07,154 But this is good. Now, paint me like one of your French girls. 26 00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:10,722 So this is a gay as fuck show. Everybody, 27 00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:13,290 there will be a lot of... And I identify as a lesbian. 28 00:01:13,421 --> 00:01:16,989 Anybody else in the LGBTQRX group? Thank you for being here. 29 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,862 Straight people, where are my breeders at? 30 00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:21,472 Thank you. Don't be scared. Are you guys straight? 31 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:23,953 There you go. I could tell from the man spreading 32 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,215 that you were straight. I could just like... 33 00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:26,651 He's covering his penis, he's like, 34 00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,044 "Nobody's gonna get on this thing." Good. 35 00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:31,395 -[cheering] -[trilling tongue] 36 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:35,138 Please welcome to the stage your first comic tonight, 37 00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:36,879 clap it up again, clap it again, 38 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:42,276 -Owen Alabado! -[cheering] 39 00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,457 Hi. 40 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:51,198 I'm Owen. 41 00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,809 I'm a straightaholic. 42 00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:56,768 I'm addicted to straight men. 43 00:01:56,899 --> 00:01:59,075 I've been clean for about two years. 44 00:01:59,206 --> 00:02:01,077 It would have been five if it wasn't for that night 45 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:03,558 in the Jacuzzi with my roommate's stepbrother. 46 00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:07,910 [sighs] My addiction started when I was in high school. 47 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,086 I fell in love with a boy. 48 00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:14,308 He played baseball. Jockstrap. 49 00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:17,180 And we were on the DL, like the super DL. 50 00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:19,226 I mean, it was the '90s in Wisconsin, okay? 51 00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:21,532 The only famous gay person I knew at the time 52 00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,012 was Mickey Mouse. 53 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,406 And he wasn't even out of the closet. 54 00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:26,885 So we were secretive. 55 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:30,411 We were so secretive that he convinced me 56 00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:32,282 that it was okay for him to have a girlfriend 57 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,458 at the same time. 58 00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:37,069 Yes. So every morning, I'd wake up, 59 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,812 go over to his house, give him a ride, 60 00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:43,641 and then take him to school. 61 00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,774 And then after school, he'd go to his girlfriend's house 62 00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,254 and play the clit guitar, 63 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:50,822 right after we played mashed potatoes with our ding dongs! 64 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:55,349 And this went on... for a long time. 65 00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:58,656 So you could imagine what it did to my fragile, 66 00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:00,397 young, gay teenage mind. 67 00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:03,095 I mean, at the time to me, that was my norm. 68 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,749 I didn't know any better. 69 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,752 And so I accepted that was the way it was gonna be for me. 70 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,451 It kind of set a precedent for most of my life. 71 00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:13,715 And the baseball player was not the last. 72 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:17,197 He was the first of many curious, questioning, 73 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:20,156 closeted straight men that have come in my life. 74 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,680 I have been experimented on so many times 75 00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:25,727 that PETA has shown up at my door 76 00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:29,078 to protest animal cruelty. 77 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,123 My whole life, I felt like poison ivy 78 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,038 or a case of the crabs. 79 00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:34,997 I was the itch you wanna scratch. 80 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,392 Which is gonna be the title of my memoir. [laughs] 81 00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:42,004 Documenting all the straight men I've slept with. 82 00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,701 I don't know how I get into this predicament. 83 00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,964 I just have the worst luck ever. 84 00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:48,315 I don't-- I could be in the gayest gay bar 85 00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:50,708 in the entire world, and somehow, by sheer dumb luck, 86 00:03:50,839 --> 00:03:53,407 I am talking to the one straight guy in the bar. 87 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:54,973 And it always starts out very innocent. 88 00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:57,062 They'll be like, "Man, you're the coolest gay guy 89 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:59,413 I've ever met." "Thank you." 90 00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:02,285 And then it will progress to, "I'm not gay, 91 00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:03,939 but you're a good-looking dude." 92 00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,855 "Thanks for that validation." [laughs] 93 00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:09,336 Or they'll be like, "Man, if I was gay, 94 00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,338 you'd be my boyfriend." 95 00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:12,600 "Don't count your chickens. 96 00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:15,211 I'm not 100 percent sure I'd be yours. 97 00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:17,648 That's very presumptuous of you. 98 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,303 Who am I kidding? I'd totally be your boyfriend." 99 00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:23,611 One time a guy came up to me, and he said... 100 00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:27,179 your ex-boyfriend actually-- said to me, 101 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:31,183 "If you were a girl, you'd be my girlfriend." 102 00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,360 Yeah. And I was like, have you seen me in a wig? 103 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:36,232 I look like a tired-ass hooker from Planet of the Apes! 104 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,931 My favorite story, though, is when... it was Halloween. 105 00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:42,456 And I was talking to my friend Paul. 106 00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:45,110 And my very drunk friend came up to me, 107 00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,722 he thought he was whispering, but he totally wasn't. 108 00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:51,029 And he was like, "If you had a vagina, 109 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,423 I would have sex with you." 110 00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:56,034 And then he walked away. 111 00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,645 And my buddy Paul was like, 112 00:04:57,775 --> 00:05:00,561 "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" 113 00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,345 And I tried to play it off, and I'm like, 114 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:05,566 "Yeah. Happens all the time." [laughs] 115 00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:08,482 "But dude, that doesn't even make sense." 116 00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:11,354 And I was like, "Yeah, it does. 117 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:14,270 He's calling me a Ken doll. 118 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,924 He's saying like I'm a boy, but I don't-- 119 00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:19,057 I have a flat area right there. He's saying I'm handsome, 120 00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:20,668 like a Ken doll, you know-- 121 00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:21,756 Okay, it doesn't really make sense. 122 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,627 He probably just wants to sleep with me." 123 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:28,458 That same guy is now married to a woman with children. 124 00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:30,721 So any of you straight men out there 125 00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:33,202 that wants to find a wife and have kids, 126 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,073 just sleep with me! 127 00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:39,513 I'm a gateway drug to a heterosexual lifestyle. 128 00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:43,865 You're probably thinking, oh... 129 00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:46,955 I'm one of those gay guys who tries to convert straight men. 130 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:50,437 First of all, do I look like a fucking vampire, okay? 131 00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,874 'Cause if that's the case, I would have bit Channing Tatum 132 00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:55,659 or Chris Pine years ago! 133 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,226 And second of all, 134 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,708 I grew up in the '90s in Wisconsin. Okay? 135 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,492 I didn't try to convert anyone in fear 136 00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:06,496 I would have been ran over by a fucking tractor. 137 00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:10,718 I just had-- I just had the worst luck growing up. 138 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,720 [sighs] 139 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,113 You know, I hate when people come up to me, 140 00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:18,769 and they say, "Well, if a guy hooks up with another guy, 141 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,380 he's totally gay." 142 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:23,470 Oh, so it's okay for women to experiment in college? 143 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,428 "Well, yeah, man, that's hot, man. That's hot. 144 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,735 When girls do it, I mean, you see porn? 145 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,911 Every other scene is two girls, man. It's not gay. That's hot." 146 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,479 I'm sorry, but if a woman's gonna go spelunking 147 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,958 into another woman's vagina, 148 00:06:34,089 --> 00:06:36,091 that's pretty lesbian if you ask me! 149 00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:37,832 And furthermore, I read on the internet, 150 00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,616 and some psychologist wrote this thing 151 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,618 where men think about sex about once every hour, 152 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:44,055 and women think about sex once every two hours. 153 00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:45,666 So men are double the horniness. 154 00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:48,408 So please explain to me why it's more likely for a woman 155 00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:50,801 to experiment than a man. 156 00:06:50,932 --> 00:06:52,194 Hallelu! 157 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:56,459 It's a fucking double standard, that's bullshit! 158 00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,681 I came out of the closet in, uh, 1998 159 00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,378 in a small town in Wisconsin. 160 00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:05,599 I probably was one of the first ever. 161 00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,253 I got harassed, I got bullied, death threats and all that jazz. 162 00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:12,388 Um, but I was a tough boy, I had a really thick skin. 163 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:16,000 And a lot of those guys who bullied me in high school 164 00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,263 ended up being some of my best friends. 165 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,440 Mainly because their girlfriends wouldn't date them 166 00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:24,835 if they were mean to me. Um... 167 00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,316 But some of my guy friends in high school 168 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,319 actually thought I was pretending to be gay 169 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,887 so I could see their girlfriends shower 170 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,498 and touch their boobs. 171 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,239 Of course I'd like to touch their boobs! 172 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:38,719 They're called fun bags for a reason. 173 00:07:38,849 --> 00:07:40,634 I don't wanna put them in my mouth 174 00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:44,507 and like I just wanna punch them and jiggle them around. 175 00:07:46,422 --> 00:07:49,077 And I'm sorry, but when I see my girlfriend shower, 176 00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,296 the soapy suds drip down their perky bosoms, 177 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:53,908 all the way down to their juicy, wet flower, 178 00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:57,999 all I'm thinking is, "Bitch, you need to shave that shit. 179 00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:01,002 It looks like you queefed out a squirrel!" 180 00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,745 When you hang out with all straight guys 181 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,137 for most of your life, 182 00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,357 there are certain things you never have to do. 183 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,402 Like if someone's car breaks down, 184 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,970 I never have to pop the hood. 185 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,364 If we have a barbeque, 186 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,975 I never have to cook the burgers. 187 00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:19,803 If a girl can't open a pickle jar, 188 00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:21,979 I never have to fucking do it. 189 00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:24,112 Why? Because a straight guy 190 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,506 hates being shown up by a gay dude. 191 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,377 "Man, did you see that gay guy, man, 192 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,683 he just scored a basket on me, man. 193 00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:31,859 He's making me look gay." 194 00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:35,079 No, sweetheart. The other night you were wearing PONY shoes 195 00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:36,951 and a tight shirt and too much cologne. 196 00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:38,561 You're not even Armenian. 197 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:41,869 [cheering] 198 00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:43,958 That made you look gay! 199 00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:48,266 Growing up, I was like the gay Woody Harrelson 200 00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:51,008 from White Men Can't Jump. 201 00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:52,923 Seriously. If you guys don't know that movie, 202 00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,838 it's about a movie with Wesley Snipes, 203 00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,144 and he goes to basketball courts 204 00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:58,625 and he tries to hustle other guys for money. 205 00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:01,279 And he tells the other team, "Hey, you can pick 206 00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,151 my basketball teammate." 207 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,892 And they always pick Woody Harrelson 208 00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,676 'cause he's a goofy-looking white dude. 209 00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:09,026 And they come on and he's totally really good 210 00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:10,637 and they totally win all this money. 211 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,161 My straight guy friends did the same thing with me. 212 00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:15,511 We would go to parties and we would, uh, 213 00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,165 we'd start betting on pool games. 214 00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:20,124 And my buddies would be like, "Okay, 50 bucks. 215 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,779 And you can pick anybody in the party to be my teammate." 216 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:26,000 "Oh, that's easy, the gay kid right over there." 217 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:29,264 "Who, me? I can't play pool. 218 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,136 I mean, I know I'm supposed to be good with sticks and balls, 219 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:33,834 but okay." 220 00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:36,314 And then I'd go and I'd fuck shut up. 221 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:39,970 -[light cheering, applause] -Oh! 222 00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:43,191 Um, I've actually never really met another gay guy 223 00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:46,194 that has as many straight guy friends as myself. 224 00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:48,544 And I actually had a guy once break up with me... 225 00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,852 -[man shouts] -No lie. Uh... 226 00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:53,201 Many times, but for other reasons 227 00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:55,682 But for this time, um, 228 00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,466 he broke up with me 'cause he did not understand 229 00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,904 why I hung out with so many straight men. 230 00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,123 And I kinda understand why, 231 00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,951 because it was really counterproductive 232 00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:07,041 for my love life, didn't help my addiction. 233 00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:10,392 And a lot of my straight guy friends were very good-looking, 234 00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,786 so when you're wasted it's like waving a candy bar 235 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,701 in front of a fat kid and saying, "If you eat me, 236 00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:17,399 I'm gonna punch you in the face!" 237 00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,576 No, I never-- I never hooked up 238 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,230 with like my really, really close guy friends. 239 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,406 It was always like a friend of a friend, 240 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:27,278 or a cousin, or like a stepbrother. 241 00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:33,937 Um, and I know I said earlier that I never tried to convert, 242 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:36,853 but I am not innocent. 243 00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,899 Let's just say I have convinced the girlfriend 244 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,596 to break up with her jerk boyfriend, 245 00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:43,425 and then convinced the jerk boyfriend, 246 00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,689 one time doesn't make you gay. 247 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,387 "Just close your eyes and call me Sheila!" 248 00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:53,478 I've actually said this before. 249 00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:56,699 Once you go Owen, you always keep going. [laughs] 250 00:10:56,830 --> 00:11:01,573 -[cheering] -Works every time! [laughs] 251 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:05,926 Oh, do we have any lesbians? I love me some lesbians! 252 00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:08,276 Clap your-- oh, you're gonna wave. You don't clap. 253 00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,018 'Cause you-- you only clap those clams, girl. 254 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:13,977 You're like, "I just wave. I just wave." 255 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:17,546 Um, I used to live with a lesbian. 256 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,504 And let me tell you, they're so much more fun 257 00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,289 to listen to than straight women. 258 00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,900 Straight women are like a broken record. 259 00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:28,775 "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh..." 260 00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,516 But a lesbian is like a symphony. 261 00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:37,609 It's like... [buzzing, whirring, high-pitched noises] 262 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,134 [high-pitched] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! 263 00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,179 Oh, it's my jam! 264 00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:46,575 -It's my jam! -[applause, cheering] 265 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:53,887 So next Saturday, I am... 266 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:58,630 -turning 40. [laughs] -[cheering] 267 00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:04,245 In gay years, that makes me... 268 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,117 dead. 269 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,729 Um, I am a gay dinosaur. 270 00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:11,774 Just call me a dick-o-suck-osaurus. 271 00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,645 I'm a gay cougar. 272 00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:15,343 Pink Panther. 273 00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:18,346 In the gay community now, I'm known as a daddy. 274 00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,565 Except for I'm broke, just call me a Splenda daddy. 275 00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:22,524 [laughs] 276 00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:25,005 And a lot of people tell me that I look younger for my age. 277 00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:28,269 And that's 'cause my mom had sex with a Filipino in high school. 278 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,488 Um... [laughs] 279 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:31,838 And when you're the older guy, 280 00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,883 and you go out with a lot of younger dudes, 281 00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,667 you're always expected to pay. 282 00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:39,367 So dating becomes a little expensive. Right? 283 00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:41,195 So I was dating this guy, don't remember his name, 284 00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:42,326 let's just call him Timmy. 285 00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,415 And so, uh... 286 00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,896 I was on the date with Timmy, 287 00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:48,768 and he wanted to go to a very expensive restaurant. 288 00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:52,467 So I brought a little baggy of glass. 289 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,904 And... 290 00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:56,601 when Timmy went to the bathroom, 291 00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:59,430 I put a little glass in my food. 292 00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:01,215 And when he came back, took a bite, 293 00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:04,740 and I was like, "Oh! Garcon! Garcon! 294 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,395 There's some glass in my food! This is--" 295 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:09,005 I didn't really think it through 'cause my mouth was bleeding. 296 00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:12,792 I should have just did pubic hair, but whatever. 297 00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:15,142 And the waiter was like, "I'm so sorry. 298 00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:18,058 I'm so sorry. We will definitely take care of your meal. 299 00:13:18,188 --> 00:13:21,496 For you... and your son." 300 00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:25,805 Bitch, what? 301 00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:29,547 I just spit blood all over his fucking face! 302 00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:31,593 Little bitch. 303 00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:35,771 Um, I recently went on a date with a millennial. [laughs] 304 00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,686 And he asked me if I was woke. 305 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,601 And at the time, I didn't know what that was. 306 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:45,085 So I pinched myself and I said, "I think so." [laughs] 307 00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:48,175 And I don't know what it is about that generation, 308 00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,003 but they love acronyms. 309 00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:52,266 They love their acronyms. He was telling me a story 310 00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,790 about how he went to a party and it was lit. 311 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,227 Totally GOAT. And his ex was there. 312 00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:58,925 And that was that THOT over there. 313 00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:01,536 He was my ex-bae. 314 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,626 And I was so confused. I... 315 00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:08,369 I was like, "So were you cooking animals? Um... 316 00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:11,198 Were you-- were you like a goat's on fire, 317 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:14,723 and was your ex imaginary? Like, was he just-- 318 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,899 Was he really there? And was there a sheep there? 319 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,858 I am so confused." 320 00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:21,469 And he started to explain to me "GOAT" is greatest of all time, 321 00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,297 and then "THOT" is that ho over there. 322 00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:24,559 Before all else. 323 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:27,562 So I tried to relate to him, 324 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,913 and I started using every acronym that I could think of. 325 00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:33,307 I was like, "Yeah, I went to a party too. 326 00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,135 And it was BYOB. 327 00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:39,661 And my ex was there, and I told him to MYOB. 328 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:43,099 And PS, I wanted to be in the CIA and the FBI." 329 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,754 [laughs] 330 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,322 Dating in LA fucking sucks. 331 00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,367 It's-- for straight and gay people, it sucks. 332 00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,195 You know why? Because there's a mentality out here 333 00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,068 that the grass is always greener on the other side. 334 00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:56,808 The other person is always looking over 335 00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:57,984 the other person's shoulder. 336 00:14:58,114 --> 00:14:59,986 I went on a Tinder date the other night, 337 00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:02,902 and I thought he was fucking blind. 338 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,599 Because he kept looking over my shoulder. I was like, 339 00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,427 "Oh, my God, I've never been on a date with a blind person. 340 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,863 He's just gonna like me for my personality. 341 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:08,820 I'm totally gonna score tonight. 342 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:12,085 He doesn't care what I look like!" 343 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,174 And then I realized he was just looking over 344 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,350 at the waiter the whole time! 345 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,439 Like, "Waiter, come here. Can you please leave the room 346 00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:21,790 so-- so he will stop looking at you?" 347 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,096 He's like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 348 00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:26,099 I will leave the room for you and your son." 349 00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,364 Fucking bitch! 350 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,192 You know where I love to go? 351 00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:33,802 Back home to Wisconsin. 352 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,327 Because there, I'm Cinderella. 353 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,765 Here, I'm a fuckable stepsister. 354 00:15:40,896 --> 00:15:44,204 There, I'm skinny. Here, I'm gay fat. 355 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,254 Yes, I am! 356 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:54,736 Um, I actually need to find a European husband, I feel like. 357 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:57,130 I love European men. Yes! 358 00:15:57,260 --> 00:15:59,262 'Cause you know what? European men, 359 00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:01,438 they can be like okay looking, 360 00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:05,529 but when they open their mouth they become ten times hotter. 361 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,836 Do you ever notice that? The guy can come up to you 362 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,707 and he's like okay, but he's like... 363 00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:10,839 [English accent] "Hello, love. 364 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,884 Would you like to play with my fish and chips?" 365 00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,932 "Yeah, I wanna play with your fish and chips." 366 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:19,195 [German accent] "Would you like to see my wienerschnitzel?" 367 00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:22,372 "Yeah, I wanna see whatever you just said!" 368 00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:25,419 [French accent] "Oh, can I put my baguette in your oven?" 369 00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:28,422 "Whatever, French guy. Put whatever in my oven." 370 00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,467 My favorite, Irish guys. Oh! 371 00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:31,991 [Irish accent] "Hello there, lad. 372 00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:35,124 Would you bend over and show me your four-leaf clover?" 373 00:16:35,255 --> 00:16:37,300 "Yeah, I will!" 374 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:40,477 But it's not equal opportunity when it comes to accents. 375 00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:43,480 Oh, no. How many times have you heard anyone say, 376 00:16:43,611 --> 00:16:46,788 "Did you hear that Japanese guy? He's so hot." 377 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:49,791 [Japanese accent] "Oh, you want to eat my sushi roll." 378 00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:53,838 "No, Japanese guy. Get the... away from me." 379 00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:58,974 So I'm obviously single. [laughs] 380 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:02,195 I've been single so long that my parents are starting to think 381 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:05,763 I made up this whole gay thing. [laughs] 382 00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,896 Seriously. 383 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:11,030 Um, so my parents didn't really accept the gay thing 384 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,684 for many years, and now they're finally coming around. 385 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:16,383 And my mom's actually asking me if I'm dating anyone. 386 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,776 And that's a big deal for my parents. 387 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,952 And I'm the oldest of eight kids. 388 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,693 Yes. Oldest of eight. 389 00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:25,261 And my mom's like-- she reminds me all the time. 390 00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:28,308 She's like, "Oh, honey. Honey, are you seeing anyone?" 391 00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:29,961 "No, Mom, I'm still single." 392 00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,573 "Well, you know, you're the oldest of the siblings 393 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,096 and they're all married besides you. 394 00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:35,228 So we're all starting to think 395 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:36,881 there's something wrong with you." [laughs] 396 00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,666 "Yeah, Mom, yeah, there probably is. 397 00:17:38,796 --> 00:17:42,844 Why don't you pay for my... my medical bills for therapy. 398 00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:44,541 And then we'll fix it. I don't know, Mom. 399 00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:45,499 I don't know what to tell you." 400 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,240 So I'm getting tired of her asking me 401 00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,111 the same fucking question over and over again. 402 00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:52,158 So finally I decided to just lie to her. 403 00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:55,683 Okay, so my mom isn't very, like, up to date, tech savvy, 404 00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,641 doesn't know the new thing. 405 00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,991 So I decided to fuck with her. 406 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:03,256 And she's like, "Honey, you know I'm gonna ask ya, 407 00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:07,042 are you seeing anybody?" I'm like, "Yes, Mom, I am." 408 00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,958 She's like, "Oh. What's his name?" 409 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,656 "Netflix." 410 00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:15,964 "Well, that's a weird name. What is he, Korean?" 411 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,272 "Mom, don't be a racist. No, he's from Canada." 412 00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,187 "Oh, that's nice. That's right above Wisconsin. 413 00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:24,146 We like that. So tell me all about him." 414 00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:29,108 "Well, I recently added him to my life. 415 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:30,979 Because I watched him be so original, 416 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,024 he's now one of my top picks. 417 00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,418 He makes life a comedy. 418 00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,638 But sometimes he can be a horror. 419 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,770 And in the bedroom, he's a total thriller 420 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,511 and fulfills my every fantasy. 421 00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:44,645 And the other night, he made a new release all over my chest!" 422 00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:46,516 "Oh, my God, honey, that's disgusting! 423 00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,170 I don't wanna know about your bedroom. 424 00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,259 I don't wanna know all of that. Too much information. 425 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,609 I just wanna know if he's--" "Mom. 426 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,308 Netflix is a streaming service." 427 00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:58,615 "So you wanna get peed on? 428 00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:00,922 Oh, that's even more gross. I don't wanna know--" 429 00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:02,532 "Yes, Mom, you know what? I'm gonna go right now, 430 00:19:02,663 --> 00:19:04,099 I'm gonna hang up the phone, 'cause I'm gonna go 431 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:08,277 find my imaginary boyfriend so he can piss all over me! Bye!" 432 00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:13,152 Now my other side of the family is even worse. 433 00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:15,110 My Filipino side. Oh. 434 00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:18,809 Any Filipinos in here? None of my titas came? 435 00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,508 You're like, "I'm half." Yeah, okay. 436 00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:23,901 I see... I'm half clapping right now 437 00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:27,166 'cause my mom is Filipino, but my dad is not. 438 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,559 I got you, boo. I got you. 439 00:19:29,690 --> 00:19:32,606 So every Filipino has a tita that's very inquisitive. 440 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,956 They ask you like what you're doing with your life 441 00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,001 all the time, and I have a tita, she's like, 442 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:40,744 "Anak, do you have a boyfriend?" 443 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,834 I'm like, "No, Tita, I still don't." 444 00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:46,446 "Well, I do not understand. Your cousin, Daryl, 445 00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:50,058 he has a husband and he's not even as cute as you." 446 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:57,283 "Well, thank you for that backhanded compliment, Tita." 447 00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:59,807 She's like, "I know why you're single. 448 00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,591 Do you want to know why?" 449 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,638 "No." 450 00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,074 "It is because you're poor. 451 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,469 Because you decide to move to Los Angeles to be an actor 452 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,035 and a comedian when you could have been 453 00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:15,214 a doctor or a lawyer like the rest of your family!" 454 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:18,608 "Well, yeah, you're probably right, Tita Bong, okay? Fine." 455 00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:23,396 "I have a solution for you. Would you like to know?" 456 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:24,658 "No." 457 00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:26,573 "Okay, here it goes. 458 00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:31,317 Go out and find a rich, old, white guy." 459 00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:35,408 I'm like, "Tita, I'm Filipino, but not that Filipino." 460 00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:43,764 So I'm actually... I'm half Filipino, half Caucasian. 461 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:47,855 But growing up in Wisconsin in the '90s, 462 00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:49,683 I didn't get to be either. 463 00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:52,163 I was a Mexican. 464 00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:58,039 I would tell people that I'm Filipino, and they were like, 465 00:20:58,169 --> 00:21:01,695 "Oh, is that slang for Mexican?" 466 00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:04,915 "No, the Philippines. It's a country. The Philippines." 467 00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:07,091 "Oh, so it's a country in Mexico?" 468 00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:11,008 "You can't have a country in a country, you fucking idiot!" 469 00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,925 The kids, they were so racist towards me. 470 00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:18,581 The white kids, they'd call me spic and burrito boy 471 00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:19,756 and taco turner. 472 00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:22,629 Never understood that one. 473 00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:26,720 I'm gay, I don't know how to turn a taco. 474 00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:29,462 Even the Mexicans, they would call me a sellout 475 00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:30,941 because I wouldn't speak Spanish to them. 476 00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:33,335 'Cause I didn't know fucking how! 477 00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,772 Called me a coconut, brown on the outside, 478 00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:37,426 white on the inside. 479 00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:40,603 Ironically, Filipinos love coconuts. 480 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:44,738 The only kids that were nice to me were the black kids. 481 00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:48,176 Because they had it worse than I did. [laughs] 482 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:52,572 And funny enough, when I was in the closet 483 00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:53,747 and I had girlfriends, 484 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,010 they were always the black girls in school. 485 00:21:56,140 --> 00:21:57,533 Which makes sense. 486 00:21:57,664 --> 00:22:00,101 Because gay men have been stealing black women's 487 00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:02,277 personalities for decades. 488 00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:03,931 Let's be honest on that one. 489 00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:06,368 -[light applause] -Right? 490 00:22:06,499 --> 00:22:08,457 Just watch RuPaul's Drag Race, you know what I'm saying. 491 00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:10,503 You know it's true. 492 00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:14,028 The one black girl, I'm like, "Yes, girl." 493 00:22:16,117 --> 00:22:18,685 She was snapping. [laughs] 494 00:22:20,904 --> 00:22:22,906 I was obsessed with black women growing up. 495 00:22:23,037 --> 00:22:24,168 I mean, obsessed. I-- 496 00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:26,519 Whitney Houston, Brandy, Monica, SWV, 497 00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:28,782 Brownstone, Jade, TLC. 498 00:22:28,912 --> 00:22:31,132 All of those groups, I was obsessed and-- 499 00:22:31,262 --> 00:22:32,655 Janet Jackson, I learned every single one 500 00:22:32,786 --> 00:22:34,614 of Janet Jackson's dances. ♪ I miss you much 501 00:22:34,744 --> 00:22:37,181 Like all of-- every-- 502 00:22:37,312 --> 00:22:39,836 -Oh, my God. -[cheering] 503 00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,012 All of them! All of them I did! 504 00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:45,102 I even learned one song on the piano. Only one. 505 00:22:45,233 --> 00:22:47,278 ♪ I heard from my friend today ♪ 506 00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:49,542 ♪ And she said you were in town ♪ 507 00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,718 ♪ Suddenly the memor... 508 00:22:51,848 --> 00:22:53,110 My mom would burst into the room like, 509 00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:56,984 "Can you please sing a fucking boy song?" 510 00:22:57,114 --> 00:23:00,161 To this day, I do not know how my mom was surprised 511 00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:03,338 when I came out of the closet. 512 00:23:03,469 --> 00:23:05,862 Oh! So my Filipino dad, 513 00:23:05,993 --> 00:23:07,342 he was not very accepting at first. 514 00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:09,649 Still kind of not. He... 515 00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:12,739 still thinks I'm going through a phase. 516 00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:15,350 I've been out for over 20 years. Uh... 517 00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:18,788 My gayness has outlived disco, Dad. 518 00:23:18,919 --> 00:23:22,444 And he's on Facebook now. And he trolls my Facebook. 519 00:23:22,575 --> 00:23:25,491 And he sees all these pictures with me with beautiful women. 520 00:23:25,621 --> 00:23:27,231 And he calls my brother, he's like, 521 00:23:27,362 --> 00:23:30,017 "I don't understand how your brother's gay. 522 00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:33,281 He's surrounded by hot chicks all the time!" 523 00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,936 My brother's like, "Dad, he's gay. 524 00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:40,114 He collects them like baseball cards." 525 00:23:40,244 --> 00:23:43,247 We were in the Philippines once and he tried to trick me. 526 00:23:43,378 --> 00:23:45,859 He said that we were going to a karaoke bar. 527 00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:48,688 I love karaoke, obviously. 528 00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:53,127 And so we were going to a GRO bar. 529 00:23:53,257 --> 00:23:56,957 Which stands for Guest Relations Officer. 530 00:23:57,087 --> 00:24:01,178 In the Philippines, it's just a nice way of saying "prostitute." 531 00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:04,704 So we go to the bar and there's this line of females 532 00:24:04,834 --> 00:24:07,924 down the hallway, all in skimpy dresses. 533 00:24:08,055 --> 00:24:11,188 And my dad's like, "Okay. Pick one." 534 00:24:11,319 --> 00:24:14,278 I'm like, "What, Dad? To sing a duet with? 535 00:24:14,409 --> 00:24:19,066 Which one of you knows "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights?'" 536 00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:22,417 And they all raised their hand, I'm like, "Fucking bullshit!" 537 00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:25,072 Actually, probably not. They probably all did know it. 538 00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:27,030 Filipinos know all songs. 539 00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:28,467 [laughs] 540 00:24:28,597 --> 00:24:31,165 Now, my lola, my Filipino grandmother, 541 00:24:31,295 --> 00:24:32,601 that was a different story. 542 00:24:32,732 --> 00:24:34,211 I actually lived with my grandma, 543 00:24:34,342 --> 00:24:35,561 my senior year in high school 544 00:24:35,691 --> 00:24:38,041 I got kicked out of my house for being gay. 545 00:24:38,172 --> 00:24:39,913 Don't be sad because I got to live with my lola. 546 00:24:40,043 --> 00:24:43,090 That was the best thing ever. I was such a lola's boy. 547 00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:47,747 And but she didn't really wanna accept or even, 548 00:24:47,877 --> 00:24:50,140 like, notice the gay thing. 549 00:24:50,271 --> 00:24:54,144 So one day, she walked in on me... 550 00:24:55,406 --> 00:24:57,104 to a movie. 551 00:24:57,234 --> 00:25:00,194 Yes. And then she comes in and she goes, 552 00:25:00,324 --> 00:25:03,632 "Okay. When you're done washing yourself, 553 00:25:03,763 --> 00:25:06,461 come downstairs, it's time to eat." 554 00:25:11,771 --> 00:25:14,164 True story. 555 00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:17,385 And then she found a magazine underneath my bed. 556 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,213 And I came home from school, 557 00:25:19,343 --> 00:25:22,782 and, uh, there was a Men's Healthmagazine 558 00:25:22,912 --> 00:25:24,261 on top of my bed. 559 00:25:24,392 --> 00:25:26,699 And I said, "Lola, what is this?" 560 00:25:26,829 --> 00:25:29,571 "Well, I found this magazine and this was these guys, 561 00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:31,704 they were not wearing clothes or working out. 562 00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:34,445 And I said, 'You know, this is better for you.' 563 00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:37,536 Okay? So just come downstairs and eat." 564 00:25:43,019 --> 00:25:47,981 [laughs] And then she walked on me and my baseball player. 565 00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:49,852 And she goes, "Well, 566 00:25:49,983 --> 00:25:53,334 when you're done practicing your football... 567 00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:58,382 come downstairs and eat." [laughs] 568 00:25:58,513 --> 00:26:01,603 So finally one day, I was like, "You know what? 569 00:26:01,734 --> 00:26:03,257 I'm coming out to my grandma." 570 00:26:03,387 --> 00:26:05,781 So we were in a car and I was taking her to the grocery store. 571 00:26:05,912 --> 00:26:09,742 And Jewel was playing "Pieces of You." 572 00:26:09,872 --> 00:26:12,179 And it was a song about like discrimination 573 00:26:12,309 --> 00:26:13,702 and homophobia. 574 00:26:13,833 --> 00:26:18,359 And I said to my lola, I said, "Lola, I'm gay." 575 00:26:18,489 --> 00:26:20,622 And she goes, "I'm happy too. 576 00:26:20,753 --> 00:26:23,059 We're all happy." 577 00:26:23,190 --> 00:26:25,845 "No, Lola, I like boys." 578 00:26:25,975 --> 00:26:28,282 "Well, you should like boys. Your brother's a boy. 579 00:26:28,412 --> 00:26:31,024 Your dad is a boy. Your grandpa is a boy." 580 00:26:31,154 --> 00:26:34,201 "No, Lola, I like like boys." 581 00:26:34,331 --> 00:26:37,247 "Oh, okay. You should love them because, you know, 582 00:26:37,378 --> 00:26:39,815 like I said--" "Okay, Lola! 583 00:26:39,946 --> 00:26:41,382 I suck dick!" 584 00:26:42,383 --> 00:26:43,645 [speaks foreign language] 585 00:26:43,776 --> 00:26:44,777 "What do you mean you're sucking things? 586 00:26:44,907 --> 00:26:46,779 You want Lola to go to the baby store 587 00:26:46,909 --> 00:26:48,563 and get you a pacifier? You like to suck suck? 588 00:26:48,694 --> 00:26:51,348 What is this, sucking the pacifier? 589 00:26:51,479 --> 00:26:52,698 Come on, let's go eat eat." 590 00:26:52,828 --> 00:26:56,571 -Thank you guys so much! I... -[cheering] 591 00:26:56,702 --> 00:26:59,269 You've been amazing. 592 00:27:00,053 --> 00:27:01,663 Much love. 593 00:27:01,794 --> 00:27:04,710 [cheering, applause] 594 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,451 Hello, hi. Hi. Oh, hi. Hello. 595 00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:10,541 Nice to... sure, thank you for responding. No one... 596 00:27:10,672 --> 00:27:12,761 It's fine. I'm very happy to be here. 597 00:27:12,892 --> 00:27:16,330 I went to Portland recently. 598 00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:18,680 -To put... Okay. -[person cheers] 599 00:27:19,507 --> 00:27:20,943 Sure. 600 00:27:21,074 --> 00:27:23,119 I went to Portland recently, 601 00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:26,122 and I went to a place called the Sloth Center, 602 00:27:26,253 --> 00:27:28,124 where you can pet sloths. 603 00:27:28,255 --> 00:27:31,214 Did you can you can pet-- legally, you can pet them. 604 00:27:31,345 --> 00:27:33,434 I was petting them, and I asked the lady, 605 00:27:33,564 --> 00:27:37,133 "Can I hold-- can I scoop-- can I just like... 606 00:27:37,264 --> 00:27:41,181 could I... can I hold one? Can I please hold a sloth?" 607 00:27:41,311 --> 00:27:45,620 And she looks at me, and she's like, "Oh, no! 608 00:27:45,751 --> 00:27:48,623 See, we used to let people hold the sloths, 609 00:27:48,754 --> 00:27:54,629 but we had to stop because the sloths kept dying." 610 00:27:56,326 --> 00:27:59,503 And I was like, "What... were people just 611 00:27:59,634 --> 00:28:03,203 fucking squeezing them? [laughs]" 612 00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:05,466 And she said, "Oh, no, it wasn't that. 613 00:28:05,596 --> 00:28:08,817 It was the stress." 614 00:28:08,948 --> 00:28:10,340 "What does that mean?" 615 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:12,473 And she said, "Well, I don't know if you knew this, 616 00:28:12,603 --> 00:28:15,432 but sloths are the one mammal 617 00:28:15,563 --> 00:28:19,306 without the will to live. 618 00:28:26,313 --> 00:28:30,186 So when they get stressed out, 619 00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:32,232 they just die." 620 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:41,632 First of all, same... 621 00:28:43,547 --> 00:28:48,422 Uh, second, how fucking chill are sloths? 622 00:28:48,552 --> 00:28:50,641 Are you kidding me? 623 00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,382 Can you imagine? 624 00:28:52,513 --> 00:28:53,557 "Can I help you move this weekend?" 625 00:28:53,688 --> 00:28:57,039 "No, see, I would, but I don't wanna die." 626 00:28:58,562 --> 00:28:59,912 "Hey, what happened to Jeremy?" 627 00:29:00,042 --> 00:29:02,741 "Oh, he had a big project due at work, right? 628 00:29:02,871 --> 00:29:05,656 And his in-laws were in town. You know what that's like. 629 00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:08,050 So he's no longer with us." 630 00:29:10,879 --> 00:29:14,013 Can you imagine like a sloth fairytale? 631 00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:15,797 It's like, "Once upon a time, 632 00:29:15,928 --> 00:29:18,408 there was a magical sloth kingdom, 633 00:29:18,539 --> 00:29:20,889 with a beautiful sloth princess. 634 00:29:21,020 --> 00:29:24,023 And she was kidnapped by a dragon. 635 00:29:24,153 --> 00:29:27,722 So the bravest sloth knight in the land... 636 00:29:27,853 --> 00:29:30,899 It was too much pressure for him and he died. Uh... 637 00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:33,380 See, the king and the queen sloth, super bummed out. 638 00:29:33,510 --> 00:29:35,034 They died. Uh... 639 00:29:35,164 --> 00:29:38,472 Well, the princess sloth, now she died immediately. 640 00:29:38,602 --> 00:29:41,910 Right when the dragon got her. She was gone. 641 00:29:42,041 --> 00:29:44,521 And all the sloths in the kingdom lived happily ever-- 642 00:29:44,652 --> 00:29:48,612 Just kidding, they died." 643 00:29:48,743 --> 00:29:51,093 Then whatever sloth child you're reading the story to 644 00:29:51,224 --> 00:29:53,487 keels over and dies. 645 00:29:55,141 --> 00:29:56,577 Got uncomfortable when I murdered 646 00:29:56,707 --> 00:29:59,319 the fictional sloth child, huh? That's... 647 00:29:59,449 --> 00:30:02,452 Eh... [blows] Uh... 648 00:30:02,583 --> 00:30:06,326 I am a non-binary trans person. 649 00:30:06,456 --> 00:30:08,937 -[cheering] -Okay, sure. Okay. Thank you. 650 00:30:09,068 --> 00:30:11,287 That doesn't mean that I'm a woman. I'm also not a man. 651 00:30:11,418 --> 00:30:13,289 I know it's like the man show. Sh, don't tell them. 652 00:30:13,420 --> 00:30:15,204 It's too late. They don't know. 653 00:30:15,335 --> 00:30:16,989 I don't think they know what that is. 654 00:30:17,119 --> 00:30:20,253 Uh, I do call myself a boy sometimes. 655 00:30:20,383 --> 00:30:21,950 I spell it with an "i." 656 00:30:22,081 --> 00:30:24,735 If that's confusing for you, what I found that helps 657 00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:30,393 that you can do is eat shit. I don't care if you get it. 658 00:30:30,524 --> 00:30:32,569 It's sort of my thing. Um... 659 00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:35,703 I was talking to my ex's mom, I was talking to his mom 660 00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:38,227 about like non-binary identities. 661 00:30:38,358 --> 00:30:40,447 And I was explaining there's people who fall outside 662 00:30:40,577 --> 00:30:41,840 of the gender binary, right? 663 00:30:41,970 --> 00:30:44,364 Who maybe they're kind of both, maybe they're neither, 664 00:30:44,494 --> 00:30:46,105 there's a lot of ways that you can do it. 665 00:30:46,235 --> 00:30:50,500 And this woman looks at me, in my eyes that I see out of, 666 00:30:50,631 --> 00:30:54,330 and... and she just goes, 667 00:30:54,461 --> 00:30:57,116 "What-- what... 668 00:30:57,246 --> 00:31:01,294 What... [stammers] What..." 669 00:31:01,424 --> 00:31:02,991 I'm like, "Fuck, now I have to have this whole 670 00:31:03,122 --> 00:31:05,341 fucking conversation?" 671 00:31:05,472 --> 00:31:07,691 And she's like, "But... 672 00:31:07,822 --> 00:31:11,478 What would a person like that even dress like?" 673 00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:15,917 Like, "Is that what you were worried about? 674 00:31:17,049 --> 00:31:20,487 Bless your stupid boomer heart. 675 00:31:20,617 --> 00:31:24,317 Also, what do you dress like, Diane? I don't..." 676 00:31:24,447 --> 00:31:26,536 But also, if any of you know what I'm supposed to dress like, 677 00:31:26,667 --> 00:31:30,236 I don't know. I'm doing my best with what I've got. 678 00:31:30,366 --> 00:31:34,066 I am very gay, I'm a very-- I like sort of everybody. 679 00:31:34,196 --> 00:31:36,329 I'm-- everyone, sort of regardless of gender, 680 00:31:36,459 --> 00:31:39,158 or genitals, or lack thereof. Uh... 681 00:31:39,288 --> 00:31:42,378 Don't think too hard about the last part. That's fine. 682 00:31:42,509 --> 00:31:44,641 What that's called in the community, 683 00:31:44,772 --> 00:31:46,730 if you didn't know, when you sort of like everyone, 684 00:31:46,861 --> 00:31:51,387 that's called being very available. Wink, wink, wink. 685 00:31:51,518 --> 00:31:53,824 Wink, wink, wink, wink. 686 00:31:53,955 --> 00:31:56,262 I used to say "bi." I used to ID as bi. 687 00:31:56,392 --> 00:31:57,741 Welcome to the show. Thank you so much. 688 00:31:57,872 --> 00:32:00,309 I've been doing really good. Everyone's very impressed. 689 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,051 Uh... 690 00:32:03,182 --> 00:32:05,619 I used to ID as bi. I don't-- 691 00:32:05,749 --> 00:32:07,142 Bi doesn't feel right for me. 692 00:32:07,273 --> 00:32:09,275 It sort of I feel implies a duality that doesn't work 693 00:32:09,405 --> 00:32:11,581 with sort of the way that I work. 694 00:32:11,712 --> 00:32:14,280 I say it because it does sound better 695 00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:17,587 than saying what I actually am, which is pansexual. 696 00:32:17,718 --> 00:32:19,850 Because hot shit, do you sound pretentious as hell 697 00:32:19,981 --> 00:32:22,592 when you say that. Oh, it's bad. It's bad. 698 00:32:22,723 --> 00:32:25,552 There's only two worse words you can put next to "sexual." 699 00:32:25,682 --> 00:32:30,035 And those are "sapio" and "predator." 700 00:32:30,165 --> 00:32:32,341 Those are the only... 701 00:32:32,472 --> 00:32:35,388 the only worse ones. 702 00:32:35,518 --> 00:32:38,478 Doesn't it sound like I'm IDing as like a magical flying boy 703 00:32:38,608 --> 00:32:40,480 in green tights a little bit? 704 00:32:40,610 --> 00:32:45,615 Or like a goatman who lives in a maze kinda? 705 00:32:45,746 --> 00:32:47,182 It's like, "Hello, I'm pansexual. 706 00:32:47,313 --> 00:32:49,968 Oh, these? These are just my Peruvian flutes. 707 00:32:50,098 --> 00:32:51,970 Don't worry about them. 708 00:32:52,100 --> 00:32:55,060 You might have heard them whilst receiving a massage. 709 00:32:55,190 --> 00:32:56,539 Hello, I'm pansexual. 710 00:32:56,670 --> 00:33:01,240 Turn-ons include you solving my riddles, right? 711 00:33:01,370 --> 00:33:04,765 You not solving my riddles. Huh? That's good too. 712 00:33:04,895 --> 00:33:08,377 And then just mazes! Love them! Love mazes!" 713 00:33:08,508 --> 00:33:11,206 The problem is that it's not accurate. 714 00:33:11,337 --> 00:33:13,034 It doesn't-- "pan" means "all." 715 00:33:13,165 --> 00:33:15,515 If you tell someone your sexuality is all, 716 00:33:15,645 --> 00:33:17,691 they're like, "Oh, so like animals?" 717 00:33:17,821 --> 00:33:21,042 "Mm-mm. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. 718 00:33:21,173 --> 00:33:22,783 All humans. Huh?" 719 00:33:22,913 --> 00:33:24,437 They're like, "Oh, so like kids?" 720 00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:27,266 "Ooh! Wrong again! Uh... 721 00:33:27,396 --> 00:33:28,963 All consenting adults. That's sort of the..." 722 00:33:29,094 --> 00:33:30,356 They're like, "Oh, even ugly ones?" 723 00:33:30,486 --> 00:33:32,793 "Mm, only cute. Cute's the only thing 724 00:33:32,923 --> 00:33:34,708 that I'm concerned with." 725 00:33:34,838 --> 00:33:39,626 Like, "Oh, so like animals?" You're like, "I'm bi, actually." 726 00:33:41,976 --> 00:33:44,892 The shittiest part about being like bi or pan 727 00:33:45,023 --> 00:33:46,981 or whatever you wanna call it, you gotta date terrible copies 728 00:33:47,112 --> 00:33:49,679 of both your parents, that sucks. 729 00:33:51,638 --> 00:33:54,467 Nobody warns you about that. 730 00:33:56,295 --> 00:33:59,341 I meet people and I'm like, "Oh, you just have daddy issues? 731 00:33:59,472 --> 00:34:03,128 That's cute. That's so cute." 732 00:34:03,258 --> 00:34:04,520 I'm non-monogamous too. 733 00:34:04,651 --> 00:34:06,218 Sometimes I'll introduce my partners, 734 00:34:06,348 --> 00:34:07,349 and they'll start dating, 735 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:08,785 and I have to worry, am I really like 736 00:34:08,916 --> 00:34:10,657 putting two people 'cause I think they'll get along, 737 00:34:10,787 --> 00:34:12,615 or am I trying to Parent Trap a couple of sluts? 738 00:34:12,746 --> 00:34:14,574 You know what I...? 739 00:34:17,533 --> 00:34:19,840 I do live a very slutty lifestyle. 740 00:34:19,970 --> 00:34:24,888 Uh, the other day, I looked down at my stuff, 741 00:34:25,019 --> 00:34:26,629 and there was stuff on my stuff 742 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:28,762 that's not supposed to be on my stuff. 743 00:34:28,892 --> 00:34:30,546 And I lost my mind. 744 00:34:30,677 --> 00:34:32,287 I called my partner, I was like, "I've got herpes. 745 00:34:32,418 --> 00:34:34,507 Our life is over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" 746 00:34:34,637 --> 00:34:35,943 And they're like, "It's fine. Go get tested. 747 00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:38,685 We'll figure it out." And the place that I liked was closed. 748 00:34:38,815 --> 00:34:40,208 So I drove across town 749 00:34:40,339 --> 00:34:42,341 and I got there right as they were, like, they were closing. 750 00:34:42,471 --> 00:34:43,907 And I walked into the nurse and I'm like, 751 00:34:44,038 --> 00:34:45,605 "Hey, there's stuff on my stuff 752 00:34:45,735 --> 00:34:47,346 that's not supposed-- can you look at-- 753 00:34:47,476 --> 00:34:50,044 I need someone to see my stuff and look at my stuff." 754 00:34:50,175 --> 00:34:52,655 And the nurse was like, "What?" 755 00:34:52,786 --> 00:34:53,830 And I was like, "There's just-- can you look-- 756 00:34:53,961 --> 00:34:56,006 I need someone to look at the stuff." 757 00:34:56,137 --> 00:34:57,747 "Do you want a doctor to look--" I was like, "Yes. Perfect. 758 00:34:57,878 --> 00:34:59,967 Thank you." And I went in the room 759 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:02,143 and a doctor came in and he was like, 760 00:35:02,274 --> 00:35:04,363 "Oh, that's not herpes. You're fine. That's just a skin thing." 761 00:35:04,493 --> 00:35:06,626 I was like, "Hell yeah. Tight. Thank you. Thank you. 762 00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:08,193 I know you didn't do it, but thank you. 763 00:35:08,323 --> 00:35:10,804 Thank you for this gift that you've given to me." 764 00:35:10,934 --> 00:35:12,197 But I was like I haven't been tested in a little bit, 765 00:35:12,327 --> 00:35:15,025 so the next morning I went to the place that I do like 766 00:35:15,156 --> 00:35:17,071 and I saw a new doctor there 767 00:35:17,202 --> 00:35:21,467 who was the oldest man maybe alive. 768 00:35:21,597 --> 00:35:23,164 And I walk into his office 769 00:35:23,295 --> 00:35:25,906 and he's blasting aggressive classical music 770 00:35:26,036 --> 00:35:28,126 from a phone on his desk. 771 00:35:28,256 --> 00:35:33,043 Which is a weird doctor's office atmosphere to stumble into. 772 00:35:33,174 --> 00:35:36,003 Uh, and I take my pants off, and I'm like, 773 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:39,354 "It's just like a skin thing." And he's like, "That's herpes." 774 00:35:39,485 --> 00:35:41,748 "What?" 775 00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:44,229 I was like, "For sure, though, what if it isn't, though, huh? 776 00:35:44,359 --> 00:35:47,057 What if it's not? What if it's just a skin thing, 777 00:35:47,188 --> 00:35:49,538 as I've been told before?" 778 00:35:49,669 --> 00:35:50,931 And he's like, "Well, check this out." 779 00:35:51,061 --> 00:35:52,846 And he pulls out what I can only describe 780 00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:56,850 as a scrapey boy, just the scrapiest boy, 781 00:35:56,980 --> 00:35:59,331 the scrapiest boy that ever did scrape. 782 00:35:59,461 --> 00:36:01,811 And he starts scraping, and it's bad. 783 00:36:01,942 --> 00:36:03,291 It hurts very much. 784 00:36:03,422 --> 00:36:05,075 And he's scraping. 785 00:36:05,206 --> 00:36:09,079 And at one point he stops, and he's like, "Huh!" 786 00:36:09,210 --> 00:36:10,820 And I'm like, "Huh?" 787 00:36:10,951 --> 00:36:13,127 And he's like, "Huh!" And I'm like, "What's 'huh?'" 788 00:36:13,258 --> 00:36:15,347 And he's like, "Well, if this were herpes, 789 00:36:15,477 --> 00:36:18,132 -I could break it open." -[woman] Oh, Jesus. 790 00:36:18,263 --> 00:36:21,831 -[laughter, groans] -"But I can't." 791 00:36:21,962 --> 00:36:23,572 And I'm like, "Okay. What is that?" 792 00:36:23,703 --> 00:36:26,009 And he's like, "Yeah, I don't think this is herpes." 793 00:36:26,140 --> 00:36:27,054 And I'm like, "Word." And he's like, 794 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,883 "I think it's just a skin thing." 795 00:36:30,013 --> 00:36:31,928 "Oh, cool, like what I said when I came-- 796 00:36:32,059 --> 00:36:35,497 Thank you for confirming with your second opinion." 797 00:36:35,628 --> 00:36:36,759 And he's like, "I really wanna break it open." 798 00:36:36,890 --> 00:36:39,632 I was like, "You have to stop. You are not allowed... 799 00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:43,331 any longer." And I pull my pants back up, 800 00:36:43,462 --> 00:36:46,378 which hurts in itself because of what he's done. Uh... 801 00:36:46,508 --> 00:36:47,857 And he looks at me and he's like, 802 00:36:47,988 --> 00:36:50,686 "Well, you know what you should do? 803 00:36:50,817 --> 00:36:53,689 You should get a circumcision." 804 00:36:53,820 --> 00:36:56,301 I'm 30. 805 00:36:56,431 --> 00:36:58,172 Like, "No, I'm not also..." And he's like, 806 00:36:58,303 --> 00:36:59,869 "Well, it's just like it's a problem with the skin. 807 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,784 Take that skin right off." 808 00:37:01,915 --> 00:37:05,005 Just not a solution that any other skin trouble 809 00:37:05,135 --> 00:37:07,225 has ever been offered. 810 00:37:07,355 --> 00:37:08,965 "Oh, you got a rash on your shoulder? 811 00:37:09,096 --> 00:37:11,185 Lop that arm off, baby. 812 00:37:11,316 --> 00:37:14,710 You don't need that." 813 00:37:14,841 --> 00:37:17,104 But also like I can't help but just imagine, like, 814 00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:21,413 me in a waiting room and it's just babies in there with me. 815 00:37:21,543 --> 00:37:24,067 I'm like, "Hey, you know if this guy's any good? 816 00:37:24,198 --> 00:37:26,548 I looked on Yelp, but all the reviews just said, 817 00:37:26,679 --> 00:37:29,551 'Goo goo, gah gah.' 818 00:37:29,682 --> 00:37:32,989 Four stars. Why not five?" 819 00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:38,343 It's a one person applause break. Thank you, I'll take it. 820 00:37:38,473 --> 00:37:40,562 One enthusiastic clapper. 821 00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:46,438 I was on a train and I saw what we call in the industry 822 00:37:46,568 --> 00:37:48,962 a very hot daddy. Do you know about these? 823 00:37:49,092 --> 00:37:50,703 Have you heard about these? 824 00:37:50,833 --> 00:37:52,052 They're just out there in the world. 825 00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:54,402 They're very good. Uh... 826 00:37:56,404 --> 00:37:58,885 And I realized, though, 827 00:37:59,015 --> 00:38:03,542 that I do not know how to flirt with daddies. [laughs] 828 00:38:03,672 --> 00:38:05,935 I don't know. 'Cause my own relationship with my dad 829 00:38:06,066 --> 00:38:07,546 is dog shit. Right? Like... 830 00:38:07,676 --> 00:38:09,722 My only exposure to daddies 831 00:38:09,852 --> 00:38:12,681 has been sitcom daddies, 832 00:38:12,812 --> 00:38:14,161 and that doesn't translate. 833 00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:16,468 That's not sexy. I can't walk up and be like, 834 00:38:16,598 --> 00:38:19,297 "Hey, I saw you there on the train. 835 00:38:19,427 --> 00:38:21,037 I thought maybe, if you feel like it, 836 00:38:21,168 --> 00:38:23,779 we could take a walk in a park 837 00:38:23,910 --> 00:38:25,346 and then, you know, you could 838 00:38:25,477 --> 00:38:28,218 teach me to throw a football, huh? 839 00:38:28,349 --> 00:38:29,829 No? 840 00:38:29,959 --> 00:38:31,178 Hey, I thought if you were feeling up to it 841 00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,702 we could drive out to an abandoned parking lot 842 00:38:33,833 --> 00:38:35,225 and, you know, if the mood's right, 843 00:38:35,356 --> 00:38:37,097 maybe you could show me how to parallel park. 844 00:38:37,227 --> 00:38:41,754 Because I don't... know how to do that. 845 00:38:42,711 --> 00:38:43,930 Hey, I saw you on the train, 846 00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:45,584 and I sure hope this isn't too forward, 847 00:38:45,714 --> 00:38:47,803 but I thought maybe you and I could go on back to my place 848 00:38:47,934 --> 00:38:50,719 and if the chemistry is there maybe you could... 849 00:38:50,850 --> 00:38:51,938 have my dog put down 850 00:38:52,068 --> 00:38:55,333 and then explain death to me conceptually." 851 00:38:58,945 --> 00:39:02,514 None of that's hot, right? None of that's... sexy. 852 00:39:02,644 --> 00:39:05,908 My own personal life experience is worse even, though. 853 00:39:06,039 --> 00:39:08,520 I can't be like, "Hey, I saw you there on the train 854 00:39:08,650 --> 00:39:10,696 and I was hoping that maybe we could not talk to each other 855 00:39:10,826 --> 00:39:12,306 for two to three years at a time, 856 00:39:12,437 --> 00:39:13,742 and then at the end of two to three years, 857 00:39:13,873 --> 00:39:15,875 we do talk to each other and we act like two or three years 858 00:39:16,005 --> 00:39:17,920 haven't gone by but they have. They totally have, right? 859 00:39:18,051 --> 00:39:19,444 'Cause like I look in your eyes, right, and there's love, 860 00:39:19,574 --> 00:39:21,010 but there's also resentment 'cause like I stopped 861 00:39:21,141 --> 00:39:22,490 your life, you know what I mean? 862 00:39:22,621 --> 00:39:23,970 'Cause you were traveling the globe, which admittedly 863 00:39:24,100 --> 00:39:25,363 is some bullshit white dude nonsense. 864 00:39:25,493 --> 00:39:27,800 It has to stop at some point, but you had a kid at 25? 865 00:39:27,930 --> 00:39:29,758 I'm 30, I can't even take care of myself. 866 00:39:29,889 --> 00:39:31,456 I can't imagine being in charge of another life. 867 00:39:31,586 --> 00:39:33,762 But you had this kid so you had to get a real job. 868 00:39:33,893 --> 00:39:35,547 Which you resented forever, but you would never talk about that 869 00:39:35,677 --> 00:39:36,678 'cause you're from the Midwest. You don't know how 870 00:39:36,809 --> 00:39:38,332 to talk about your emotions, so there's like 871 00:39:38,463 --> 00:39:40,203 there's an elephant in the room, this thing between us, 872 00:39:40,334 --> 00:39:42,031 this white hot ball of, I'm just gonna call it hate, 873 00:39:42,162 --> 00:39:43,511 it's hate, there's hate between us. 874 00:39:43,642 --> 00:39:46,035 And that's why we're never gonna have a healthy relationship! 875 00:39:52,955 --> 00:39:57,133 You know, if you're into that sort of thing... [laughs] 876 00:39:57,264 --> 00:40:00,398 And then later I can come out of your balls. Is that..." 877 00:40:00,528 --> 00:40:02,922 See, now I think that's too gross at the end. 878 00:40:03,052 --> 00:40:04,880 I don't know. 879 00:40:08,101 --> 00:40:10,886 When two people are, though, when two people are, like, 880 00:40:11,017 --> 00:40:13,498 doing like a sex at each other, you know what I mean, 881 00:40:13,628 --> 00:40:16,544 when two people are, uh, doing that, 882 00:40:16,675 --> 00:40:19,982 and then one of them, right, and then one of them 883 00:40:20,113 --> 00:40:23,682 stops responding to texts or calls, 884 00:40:23,812 --> 00:40:26,075 you can't get a hold of them at all, we call that-- 885 00:40:26,206 --> 00:40:28,861 we call that ghosting. Right? 886 00:40:28,991 --> 00:40:30,036 They vanish from your life, 887 00:40:30,166 --> 00:40:31,907 you never see or hear from them again. 888 00:40:32,038 --> 00:40:34,257 Except that is not what ghosts do. 889 00:40:34,388 --> 00:40:36,999 That's not what ghosts... 890 00:40:38,740 --> 00:40:41,743 That's not what ghosts are known for. 891 00:40:43,571 --> 00:40:45,704 I feel like if you vanish from someone's life 892 00:40:45,834 --> 00:40:48,533 and they never see or hear from you again, 893 00:40:48,663 --> 00:40:51,492 that should be called dying right? 894 00:40:51,623 --> 00:40:52,972 I think that's... 895 00:40:53,102 --> 00:40:55,365 And then like later, and then like after that, 896 00:40:55,496 --> 00:40:57,890 if like way later you like, you sneak into their house 897 00:40:58,020 --> 00:41:02,242 when no one's home and move all their shit around, 898 00:41:02,372 --> 00:41:04,679 or you hide up in the attic and you're just like, 899 00:41:04,810 --> 00:41:07,203 "Ooh! 900 00:41:07,334 --> 00:41:10,990 We used to fuck!" 901 00:41:14,559 --> 00:41:17,213 That should be ghosting, I feel. 902 00:41:18,824 --> 00:41:21,479 At the very least, ghosting should be 903 00:41:21,609 --> 00:41:23,263 when you go on like a really nice date 904 00:41:23,393 --> 00:41:26,440 and he sits behind you and sensually guides your hands 905 00:41:26,571 --> 00:41:29,574 while you make a vase, you know what...? 906 00:41:31,358 --> 00:41:35,580 Uh, there was a movie called Ghostthat came out... 907 00:41:35,710 --> 00:41:37,669 like a while ago. 908 00:41:37,799 --> 00:41:39,888 It's like the most famous-- we can talk about it later. 909 00:41:40,019 --> 00:41:41,803 That's fine. 910 00:41:43,196 --> 00:41:44,632 [laughs] 911 00:41:44,763 --> 00:41:46,678 I just picking-- it's fine. 912 00:41:46,808 --> 00:41:49,594 I'm glad that we had this talk, though, thank you. 913 00:41:49,724 --> 00:41:52,074 I do like stupid movies. I like stupid TV. 914 00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:55,425 I love the Transformers, you know the Transformers? 915 00:41:55,556 --> 00:41:58,341 ♪ Sometimes it's a car You know that one? 916 00:42:04,609 --> 00:42:07,568 Here's what I like more than the Transformersconceptually. 917 00:42:07,699 --> 00:42:12,660 I like Decepticon decals on shitty, rundown cars. 918 00:42:12,791 --> 00:42:14,140 That's my favorite shit. 919 00:42:14,270 --> 00:42:16,229 Because Decepticons were badass, right? 920 00:42:16,359 --> 00:42:19,319 Decepticons were like tanks and helicopters. 921 00:42:19,449 --> 00:42:21,451 I like to imagine that the shitty, rundown cars 922 00:42:21,582 --> 00:42:23,628 are also Decepticons. 923 00:42:23,758 --> 00:42:24,977 And they're just at a meeting like, 924 00:42:25,107 --> 00:42:27,240 "Well, you all know Starscream, he's a fighter jet. 925 00:42:27,370 --> 00:42:29,808 This one is Steve. 926 00:42:30,765 --> 00:42:34,290 He's a '91 Ford Taurus. 927 00:42:34,421 --> 00:42:36,162 Now, be nice to him. I know one of his doors 928 00:42:36,292 --> 00:42:39,165 doesn't match the rest, he's very... self-conscious. 929 00:42:39,295 --> 00:42:40,688 Steve, anything to add?" 930 00:42:40,819 --> 00:42:44,518 And Steve's just like, "My check engine light won't shut off!" 931 00:42:47,303 --> 00:42:49,697 I feel like that episode just ends with Megatron 932 00:42:49,828 --> 00:42:53,266 trying to sell Steve on Craigslist. 933 00:42:53,396 --> 00:42:56,095 Except Steve won't sell so now he just drives for Lyft. 934 00:42:56,225 --> 00:42:57,836 -Uh... -[audience] Oh! 935 00:42:57,966 --> 00:43:01,143 "Oh's" on that? Okay. 936 00:43:01,274 --> 00:43:03,755 "Kill a fictional sloth child, 937 00:43:03,885 --> 00:43:08,498 you make this Decepticon a Lyft driver." 938 00:43:08,629 --> 00:43:11,632 I can make that joke, I did used to drive for Lyft. 939 00:43:11,763 --> 00:43:13,939 Uh, my favorite three things that happened 940 00:43:14,069 --> 00:43:16,550 when I was driving for Lyft: one time, 941 00:43:16,681 --> 00:43:19,640 a man got into my car and then he explained 942 00:43:19,771 --> 00:43:23,688 the entirety of the coffee industry to me. 943 00:43:23,818 --> 00:43:27,039 I didn't ask. 944 00:43:28,475 --> 00:43:31,173 Guess his race. It was white! 945 00:43:31,304 --> 00:43:33,262 Uh... 946 00:43:39,181 --> 00:43:40,748 And at the end, I was like, "That's actually-- 947 00:43:40,879 --> 00:43:41,749 I didn't know any of that. 948 00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:43,490 That's actually really interesting." 949 00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:45,448 And he looks at me and he's like, 950 00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:48,974 "Yeah, well, there's a lot to chew on in coffee." 951 00:43:49,104 --> 00:43:52,978 And I said, "Not if you make it right." 952 00:43:56,503 --> 00:43:58,984 And he was like, "What?" 953 00:43:59,114 --> 00:44:00,812 And I was like, "'Cause you... 954 00:44:00,942 --> 00:44:02,901 'cause you said there's a lot to chew on in... 955 00:44:03,031 --> 00:44:04,467 You said there's a lot to chew on in coffee." 956 00:44:04,598 --> 00:44:05,425 And he's like, "Yeah, I know, 957 00:44:05,555 --> 00:44:07,601 it's a very complicated industry." 958 00:44:07,732 --> 00:44:08,907 I was like, "No, I got what you-- 959 00:44:09,037 --> 00:44:12,214 I understood... I feel like you didn't understand-- 960 00:44:12,345 --> 00:44:13,651 Hm. 961 00:44:13,781 --> 00:44:15,783 'Cause if you take what you said literally..." 962 00:44:15,914 --> 00:44:17,045 And he's like, "I don't follow." 963 00:44:17,176 --> 00:44:21,310 And the rest of that ride was silent. 964 00:44:23,443 --> 00:44:25,401 The other one that I liked... 965 00:44:25,532 --> 00:44:26,664 Oh, there's a backstory here. 966 00:44:26,794 --> 00:44:28,230 Right after Donald Trump won the thing, 967 00:44:28,361 --> 00:44:30,058 I was like, "I should own a baseball bat." 968 00:44:30,189 --> 00:44:31,799 So I bought a baseball bat. 969 00:44:33,583 --> 00:44:35,281 And put it in the trunk of my car, forgot about it. 970 00:44:35,411 --> 00:44:38,763 Uh, so a businessman with his business shit 971 00:44:38,893 --> 00:44:41,548 puts the stuff in my trunk and he gets in the car. 972 00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:43,506 And we're driving for a little bit and he looks at me, 973 00:44:43,637 --> 00:44:46,596 and he's like, "You play baseball?" 974 00:44:46,727 --> 00:44:49,425 And I was like, "What? No. 975 00:44:49,556 --> 00:44:50,600 What?" And he's like, 976 00:44:50,731 --> 00:44:54,822 "You don't... you don't play baseball?" 977 00:44:54,953 --> 00:44:58,304 I was like, "Do I look like I play? No. What?" 978 00:44:58,434 --> 00:45:00,306 And he's like, "You got a baseball bat in your trunk." 979 00:45:00,436 --> 00:45:03,701 I was like, "Oh. [laughs] That's for Nazis." 980 00:45:08,836 --> 00:45:14,320 The rest of that ride was also silent. 981 00:45:14,450 --> 00:45:16,235 And then the last one, the one that I liked the most, 982 00:45:16,365 --> 00:45:19,499 I think, a middle-aged white woman... boo! 983 00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:22,763 Uh... got into my car, 984 00:45:22,894 --> 00:45:26,898 and we passed a van that was up on a curb, 985 00:45:27,028 --> 00:45:29,639 and the driver of that van happened to be an Asian person. 986 00:45:29,770 --> 00:45:32,120 And she looks at that and then she looks at me, 987 00:45:32,251 --> 00:45:35,080 and she's like... 988 00:45:35,210 --> 00:45:38,300 "Guess that's how they drive in China." 989 00:45:38,431 --> 00:45:40,999 And I was like, "Okay, okay. Okay." 990 00:45:41,129 --> 00:45:45,917 And I realized this person thinks that I am white. 991 00:45:46,047 --> 00:45:48,223 It's a mistake that some people make sometimes. 992 00:45:48,354 --> 00:45:50,312 I'm not. My mom is from Korea, 993 00:45:50,443 --> 00:45:53,228 and my dad has what I like to refer to as 994 00:45:53,359 --> 00:45:57,580 "big sex tourist energy." Uh... 995 00:46:02,150 --> 00:46:06,067 Which is why I exist. Uh... 996 00:46:07,460 --> 00:46:08,635 But I look at her and I'm like, 997 00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:10,202 "Hey, can I ask you a question real quick?" 998 00:46:10,332 --> 00:46:11,725 And she's like, "Sure." 999 00:46:11,856 --> 00:46:15,120 And I'm like, "Could you tell, before you said that just now, 1000 00:46:15,250 --> 00:46:17,687 that I am Asian American?" 1001 00:46:17,818 --> 00:46:19,907 And she said... 1002 00:46:20,038 --> 00:46:23,302 [exhales] 1003 00:46:23,432 --> 00:46:25,826 "No. Couldn't tell that." 1004 00:46:25,957 --> 00:46:27,480 And I was like, "Cool, cool, cool, cool. 1005 00:46:27,610 --> 00:46:30,048 Follow-up question: 1006 00:46:31,527 --> 00:46:34,879 If you had been able to tell 1007 00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:37,272 that I am Asian American, 1008 00:46:37,403 --> 00:46:39,884 would you still have said that to me just now?" 1009 00:46:40,014 --> 00:46:43,409 And she thought about it, and she was like, 1010 00:46:43,539 --> 00:46:46,325 "Hm. I don't think that I would have." 1011 00:46:46,455 --> 00:46:49,023 I was like, "Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, 1012 00:46:49,154 --> 00:46:52,026 tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. 1013 00:46:52,157 --> 00:46:55,073 Hey, last question: 1014 00:46:55,203 --> 00:46:57,118 Why'd you say it then?" 1015 00:46:57,249 --> 00:46:59,991 And she got like very like, at first she was like, 1016 00:47:00,121 --> 00:47:01,427 "I actually used to live in China." 1017 00:47:01,557 --> 00:47:03,908 I was like, "That doesn't matter." Uh... 1018 00:47:04,038 --> 00:47:06,388 And the rest of that ride was not silent at all. 1019 00:47:06,519 --> 00:47:09,391 So much apologizing from this woman. 1020 00:47:09,522 --> 00:47:11,219 So much apologizing! 1021 00:47:11,350 --> 00:47:13,831 And I actually-- no, I genuinely felt like she listened to me. 1022 00:47:13,961 --> 00:47:15,571 I actually felt like she learned like, 1023 00:47:15,702 --> 00:47:17,399 "Hey, if you're not comfortable saying something 1024 00:47:17,530 --> 00:47:19,575 around someone from a marginalized group, 1025 00:47:19,706 --> 00:47:21,795 maybe don't say it even when they're not there." 1026 00:47:21,926 --> 00:47:23,884 And then as soon as she got out of my car, 1027 00:47:24,015 --> 00:47:25,973 I had her removed from the Lyft platform. 1028 00:47:26,104 --> 00:47:28,062 Take that shit to Uber, what are you doing? 1029 00:47:28,193 --> 00:47:31,283 One strike! Uh... 1030 00:47:31,413 --> 00:47:34,199 All right, I thought more of a anti-racist.. 1031 00:47:34,329 --> 00:47:38,377 -But no, that's forced. -[cheering] 1032 00:47:38,507 --> 00:47:43,425 That is performative allyship. Uh... [laughs] 1033 00:47:43,556 --> 00:47:46,951 I'm in a lot of stupid Facebook groups. 1034 00:47:47,081 --> 00:47:49,954 I'm in a lot of free psychic advice Facebook groups 1035 00:47:50,084 --> 00:47:51,694 because they're so funny. 1036 00:47:51,825 --> 00:47:53,958 Uh, I have a podcast. It's called Psychic Friendz. 1037 00:47:54,088 --> 00:47:55,873 Look it up. Whatever. Uh... 1038 00:47:56,003 --> 00:47:59,137 But there's one version of psychic requests 1039 00:47:59,267 --> 00:48:00,790 that is my absolute favorite. 1040 00:48:00,921 --> 00:48:02,444 And that is someone will post a picture 1041 00:48:02,575 --> 00:48:06,013 of their very cute, very recently deceased animal. 1042 00:48:06,144 --> 00:48:08,276 And they'll be like, "This is my dog. 1043 00:48:08,407 --> 00:48:11,845 Can a psychic please connect with my dog?" 1044 00:48:11,976 --> 00:48:14,369 I don't think that that's fair. 1045 00:48:14,500 --> 00:48:18,025 Because you are asking me to have two very distinct powers. 1046 00:48:18,156 --> 00:48:19,548 You know what I mean? It's like, 1047 00:48:19,679 --> 00:48:21,420 "Is my dog in the room?" "Yes." 1048 00:48:21,550 --> 00:48:23,465 "What's it saying?" "I don't know, it's a dog. 1049 00:48:23,596 --> 00:48:25,859 I'm not... 1050 00:48:25,990 --> 00:48:28,253 Woof-woof, I think. I'm not... 1051 00:48:28,383 --> 00:48:31,517 Is it hungry? I don't know what your dog... 1052 00:48:31,647 --> 00:48:33,867 I'm not Dr. Dolittle. 1053 00:48:33,998 --> 00:48:37,392 I'm certainly not Dr. Boolittle." 1054 00:48:39,264 --> 00:48:41,875 What's that? Yes, that is the stupidest thing I've ever said. 1055 00:48:42,006 --> 00:48:45,009 Thank you. Thank you for keeping score. 1056 00:48:45,139 --> 00:48:48,186 Uh, I am eight years sober. 1057 00:48:48,316 --> 00:48:50,928 -I'm... oh. So weird. -[cheering] 1058 00:48:51,058 --> 00:48:54,235 I didn't know you would clap when I said that. Um... 1059 00:48:54,366 --> 00:48:57,499 I did, see? That's fine. 1060 00:48:57,630 --> 00:49:00,633 I wanna tell you a drug story, though, from the past, 1061 00:49:00,763 --> 00:49:03,723 if that's fine, it's-- we're doing it. Uh... 1062 00:49:04,767 --> 00:49:07,161 I was in Atlanta, 1063 00:49:07,292 --> 00:49:09,903 and I was at a bar and I was very drunk. 1064 00:49:10,034 --> 00:49:12,558 And a friend of mine came up to me and elbowed me 1065 00:49:12,688 --> 00:49:16,127 and was like, "I just saw... I just saw a skinny guy 1066 00:49:16,257 --> 00:49:20,087 and a big guy go into the same bathroom stall. 1067 00:49:20,218 --> 00:49:23,221 I think it was some gay shit." 1068 00:49:23,351 --> 00:49:26,137 I was like, "No, stupid. That was a drug deal. 1069 00:49:26,267 --> 00:49:30,793 Also, which bathroom stall? Just so that I know... 1070 00:49:30,924 --> 00:49:32,491 For no reason at all, I'm just cur-- 1071 00:49:32,621 --> 00:49:35,624 I'm trying to paint a picture." 1072 00:49:35,755 --> 00:49:38,323 So I go to the bathroom and I find the guy 1073 00:49:38,453 --> 00:49:40,412 and I'm like, "Hey, buddy. Are you hold-- 1074 00:49:40,542 --> 00:49:43,154 Do you-- are you holding-- are you hold-- do you-- 1075 00:49:43,284 --> 00:49:46,157 Can I buy drugs from you please?" 1076 00:49:46,287 --> 00:49:50,117 And he says, "That depends. You a cop?" 1077 00:49:50,248 --> 00:49:52,946 Which... I'm not a cop. 1078 00:49:53,077 --> 00:49:56,602 If I were a cop, "that depends" is very incriminating. 1079 00:49:56,732 --> 00:49:58,821 All right? Right? As if I'm like, 1080 00:49:58,952 --> 00:50:00,736 "Yes, I am a cop." And he'll be like, 1081 00:50:00,867 --> 00:50:02,912 "In that case, no I don't." I'll say, "All right. 1082 00:50:03,043 --> 00:50:05,828 I'm glad I asked, on my way." 1083 00:50:05,959 --> 00:50:08,527 And I'm like, "I'm not a cop. You can totally sell me drugs. 1084 00:50:08,657 --> 00:50:10,703 It's fine. Let's... can I have some please?" 1085 00:50:10,833 --> 00:50:14,533 And he's like, "All right, let me see your ID." 1086 00:50:16,970 --> 00:50:20,321 To make sure I'm of age, I guess. 1087 00:50:20,452 --> 00:50:22,236 But I was like, "What?" He's like, "To see if you're a cop." 1088 00:50:22,367 --> 00:50:27,850 I was like, oh... IDs don't say that. 1089 00:50:27,981 --> 00:50:32,159 Nowhere on my ID does it say either "cop" or "not cop." 1090 00:50:32,290 --> 00:50:35,467 Neither of those... are featured. 1091 00:50:35,597 --> 00:50:36,555 And he's like, "Let me see your ID." 1092 00:50:36,685 --> 00:50:38,383 I was like, "Okay." And I gave him my ID. 1093 00:50:38,513 --> 00:50:39,384 He's like, "All right, what do you want?" 1094 00:50:39,514 --> 00:50:40,515 "No, no, no, back to my thing. 1095 00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:41,777 Because you need a better screening-- 1096 00:50:41,908 --> 00:50:43,562 I could be-- I'm not a cop. I could be a cop. 1097 00:50:43,692 --> 00:50:45,651 I could still be a cop. I'm not a cop. 1098 00:50:45,781 --> 00:50:47,522 Please sell me drugs." Uh... 1099 00:50:47,653 --> 00:50:51,961 And he sold me what he told me was a gram of cocaine, 1100 00:50:52,092 --> 00:50:56,662 but what was actually a gram of meth in powdered form. 1101 00:50:56,792 --> 00:51:00,318 -[audience groans] -Mm. You can tell who parties. 1102 00:51:00,448 --> 00:51:03,060 Based on that reaction. 1103 00:51:10,284 --> 00:51:14,245 The clapping isn't helping, people still know. 1104 00:51:14,375 --> 00:51:16,508 Here's-- okay, so a gram of cocaine, don't do it. 1105 00:51:16,638 --> 00:51:18,466 Coke is bad. Eh. Don't do it. 1106 00:51:18,597 --> 00:51:20,686 A gram you can do, you'll be fine, health-- 1107 00:51:20,816 --> 00:51:22,557 Maybe, whatever. Uh... 1108 00:51:22,688 --> 00:51:25,865 A gram of meth, though, is supposed to last you 1109 00:51:25,995 --> 00:51:27,954 three to four days. 1110 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:30,478 Any guesses what I did in that one night? 1111 00:51:30,609 --> 00:51:34,047 Oh, I'll tell you. It was a gram of meth. Uh... 1112 00:51:34,178 --> 00:51:36,267 Here's the thing. When you do cocaine, 1113 00:51:36,397 --> 00:51:38,660 you feel like... you feel smart 1114 00:51:38,791 --> 00:51:40,532 and good and you feel like, 1115 00:51:40,662 --> 00:51:42,708 "Yeah, I'm the best at conversations." 1116 00:51:42,838 --> 00:51:45,189 And you feel all of these... euphoric things. 1117 00:51:45,319 --> 00:51:48,148 When you do meth, though, 1118 00:51:48,279 --> 00:51:50,716 you get energy and then you feel energy 1119 00:51:50,846 --> 00:51:53,022 and then you get energy and then you're mad! 1120 00:51:53,153 --> 00:51:55,895 And then you get energy... 1121 00:51:56,025 --> 00:52:00,378 and then you clean whatever is around you 1122 00:52:00,508 --> 00:52:02,771 that can be cleaned. 1123 00:52:02,902 --> 00:52:07,167 It's a chores drug, basically. It's a drug for chores. 1124 00:52:07,298 --> 00:52:09,387 And what followed after that was the worst 1125 00:52:09,517 --> 00:52:11,128 three to four days of my-- 1126 00:52:11,258 --> 00:52:13,521 The moral of the story... 1127 00:52:13,652 --> 00:52:15,871 don't do meth. Uh... 1128 00:52:16,002 --> 00:52:19,005 The second moral of the story is don't do coke in Atlanta. 1129 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:21,877 It's probably meth. 1130 00:52:22,008 --> 00:52:24,532 I told that story to a friend of mine and he was like, 1131 00:52:24,663 --> 00:52:27,622 "That actually reminds me of when I used to do coke, 1132 00:52:27,753 --> 00:52:30,538 but it was mostly meth." 1133 00:52:30,669 --> 00:52:33,106 You used to do coke, but it was most-- 1134 00:52:33,237 --> 00:52:34,194 You know that we actually have a phrase for that, 1135 00:52:34,325 --> 00:52:36,065 when you do coke but it's mostly meth? 1136 00:52:36,196 --> 00:52:37,328 It's called doing meth. 1137 00:52:37,458 --> 00:52:40,853 Who are you trying to impress right now? 1138 00:52:40,983 --> 00:52:42,333 You couldn't do that with anything else. 1139 00:52:42,463 --> 00:52:45,118 You couldn't be like, "I got you this sterling silver ring. 1140 00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:47,686 It's mostly tin foil." Well... 1141 00:52:47,816 --> 00:52:51,124 that's a tin foil ring. 1142 00:52:51,255 --> 00:52:52,473 "Cooked you a five course dinner. 1143 00:52:52,604 --> 00:52:54,432 It's mostly five bowls of cereal." 1144 00:52:54,562 --> 00:52:57,348 Well, it's a cereal party. It's not what-- 1145 00:52:57,478 --> 00:53:02,091 "I got you this dozen red roses. It's mostly meth." 1146 00:53:02,222 --> 00:53:03,963 Too much meth, I feel. 1147 00:53:04,093 --> 00:53:05,530 I'm gonna tell you one more story, 1148 00:53:05,660 --> 00:53:07,488 and that'll be the end of my part of this. 1149 00:53:07,619 --> 00:53:11,927 "No, don't go!" I have to. I have to. I have to. 1150 00:53:12,058 --> 00:53:15,104 Um, I'm also-- I'm one of the depression ones. 1151 00:53:15,235 --> 00:53:16,628 Do you know about those? Just sad all the time? 1152 00:53:16,758 --> 00:53:18,630 You know those ones, the sad-- yeah, that's me. 1153 00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:22,503 Hello. Okay, sure. Did you just dab? 1154 00:53:22,634 --> 00:53:23,722 No, unacceptable. 1155 00:53:23,852 --> 00:53:26,203 Uh... [laughs] You can dab if you want. 1156 00:53:26,333 --> 00:53:29,249 Which is a terrible song. Um... 1157 00:53:29,380 --> 00:53:32,600 One time, right after college, 1158 00:53:32,731 --> 00:53:34,385 it got very bad. 1159 00:53:34,515 --> 00:53:36,822 And I was like, "I'm actually fucking done, I think. 1160 00:53:36,952 --> 00:53:39,216 I'm done. I'm checking out. I'm cashing out." 1161 00:53:39,346 --> 00:53:43,263 And I had a bottle of pills, and I had a bottle of alcohol. 1162 00:53:43,394 --> 00:53:47,180 And before you get too uncomfortable, 1163 00:53:47,311 --> 00:53:49,269 don't worry. 1164 00:53:49,400 --> 00:53:54,013 I didn't end up killing myself. [laughs] 1165 00:53:54,143 --> 00:53:57,843 You guys know how this one ends already, 1166 00:53:57,973 --> 00:54:01,412 based on context clues. 1167 00:54:03,152 --> 00:54:05,981 I had a little voice in the back of my head that was like, 1168 00:54:06,112 --> 00:54:07,200 "Call a hotline." So I did. 1169 00:54:07,331 --> 00:54:09,246 I picked up my phone and I called a hotline. 1170 00:54:09,376 --> 00:54:11,204 And the guy picked up and he was like, 1171 00:54:11,335 --> 00:54:13,511 "Hey, how's it going?" 1172 00:54:19,168 --> 00:54:21,693 "Bad. [laughs] 1173 00:54:21,823 --> 00:54:23,912 I'm calling you." 1174 00:54:24,043 --> 00:54:25,392 And he's like, "What's your name?" 1175 00:54:25,523 --> 00:54:27,351 I was like, "I was really hoping that I could stay anonymous. 1176 00:54:27,481 --> 00:54:28,526 I don't wanna share my name. 1177 00:54:28,656 --> 00:54:29,744 I was hoping I could like keep that." 1178 00:54:29,875 --> 00:54:31,050 And he's like, "Hey, if I don't get your name, 1179 00:54:31,180 --> 00:54:32,878 I don't get funding. I will hang up on you. 1180 00:54:33,008 --> 00:54:35,576 What is your name?" 1181 00:54:35,707 --> 00:54:37,622 Like, "Why are you yelling at me? 1182 00:54:37,752 --> 00:54:40,277 I'm sad." 1183 00:54:40,407 --> 00:54:42,148 And I told him and he's like, "All right, Dash. 1184 00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:44,193 Where you calling from?" I was like, "Is this a fucking 1185 00:54:44,324 --> 00:54:46,587 radio show talk? What are we doing?" 1186 00:54:46,718 --> 00:54:48,894 And I opened up to him and I told him I feel trapped 1187 00:54:49,024 --> 00:54:51,853 in my life, I feel like I can't really change the things 1188 00:54:51,984 --> 00:54:53,768 I'm unhappy with, but I also feel like I don't 1189 00:54:53,899 --> 00:54:56,467 super give a shit anymore. But I also feel like 1190 00:54:56,597 --> 00:54:58,991 no one else gives a shit. And I opened up to him 1191 00:54:59,121 --> 00:55:02,211 for like three minutes before he cut me off. 1192 00:55:02,342 --> 00:55:03,343 And he was like, "All right! 1193 00:55:03,474 --> 00:55:05,998 We like to move things along over here. 1194 00:55:06,128 --> 00:55:08,566 So I'm gonna get off the phone with you. 1195 00:55:08,696 --> 00:55:13,179 But before I go, on a scale of one to five, 1196 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,224 one being you'll absolutely kill yourself 1197 00:55:15,355 --> 00:55:16,617 when you get off the phone, 1198 00:55:16,748 --> 00:55:20,055 and five being you'll, I don't know, think about it, 1199 00:55:20,186 --> 00:55:22,580 where would you say you are?" 1200 00:55:22,710 --> 00:55:24,669 And I was like, "Yeah, I don't know, man. 1201 00:55:24,799 --> 00:55:26,061 Probably like a three?" 1202 00:55:26,192 --> 00:55:29,804 And he said, "Great." And he hung up the phone. 1203 00:55:29,935 --> 00:55:31,806 I swear to God. 1204 00:55:31,937 --> 00:55:36,463 And that is... without a doubt, 1205 00:55:36,594 --> 00:55:39,423 the funniest thing that's ever happened to me! 1206 00:55:39,553 --> 00:55:41,599 Are you kidding? 1207 00:55:41,729 --> 00:55:44,906 And I was like laughing and crying and laughing, 1208 00:55:45,037 --> 00:55:47,344 to the point where I'm like, "I can't go out on that note. 1209 00:55:47,474 --> 00:55:52,479 That's... way too funny." 1210 00:55:52,610 --> 00:55:56,222 But also I don't think that a kind, empathetic person 1211 00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:58,050 could have talked me off of that ledge, though. 1212 00:55:58,180 --> 00:56:00,835 You know what I mean? I needed that asshole. 1213 00:56:00,966 --> 00:56:03,272 But also, one to five? You can't even give me one to ten, dog? 1214 00:56:03,403 --> 00:56:05,579 What the fuck is that? 1215 00:56:05,710 --> 00:56:06,972 Was that just his first day, 1216 00:56:07,102 --> 00:56:09,496 and afterwards his supervisor was like, 1217 00:56:09,627 --> 00:56:11,672 "Well, I got some notes for you. 1218 00:56:11,803 --> 00:56:13,544 On that last one, 1219 00:56:13,674 --> 00:56:19,027 number one, good use of... enthusiasm. Right? That's-- 1220 00:56:19,158 --> 00:56:22,074 Number two, and this is just the littlest nitpick. 1221 00:56:22,204 --> 00:56:23,728 But that person is certainly dead now. 1222 00:56:23,858 --> 00:56:27,862 So... probably avoid that in the future." 1223 00:56:27,993 --> 00:56:32,389 Thank God I'm not a sloth, you know what I mean? 1224 00:56:32,519 --> 00:56:34,303 I want to believe in him though. You know what I mean? 1225 00:56:34,434 --> 00:56:36,741 Like, I want to think that he meant well 1226 00:56:36,871 --> 00:56:39,134 and he's doing his best and he doesn't know 1227 00:56:39,265 --> 00:56:41,963 he's just like barreling through life ruining everything. 1228 00:56:42,094 --> 00:56:44,618 You know? I want to think that like tonight, 1229 00:56:44,749 --> 00:56:48,187 like earlier tonight, he was at a really nice restaurant, 1230 00:56:48,317 --> 00:56:50,624 sitting across from a beautiful young woman, 1231 00:56:50,755 --> 00:56:52,800 and he's just looking at her lovingly, 1232 00:56:52,931 --> 00:56:55,020 and he's like, "All right! Move it along! 1233 00:56:55,150 --> 00:56:58,719 We gotta get out of here! What are you doing?" 1234 00:56:58,850 --> 00:57:02,288 So they leave, and they're walking through the park, 1235 00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:05,596 and suddenly she realizes it's the park where they met. 1236 00:57:05,726 --> 00:57:07,336 And she remembers that like it was yesterday. 1237 00:57:07,467 --> 00:57:09,208 He had just come up to her and been like, 1238 00:57:09,338 --> 00:57:12,385 "What's your name? I gotta know where you're from!" 1239 00:57:15,170 --> 00:57:17,390 She's so caught up in the nostalgia of it, 1240 00:57:17,521 --> 00:57:20,959 she doesn't even realize he's gotten down on one knee. 1241 00:57:21,089 --> 00:57:23,222 And he just looks up at her and he opens that ring box, 1242 00:57:23,352 --> 00:57:27,226 and he's like, "All right! On a scale of one to five, 1243 00:57:27,356 --> 00:57:30,534 one being you do not want to marry me, 1244 00:57:30,664 --> 00:57:33,450 and five being you'll, I don't know, think about it." 1245 00:57:35,103 --> 00:57:37,323 And she just looks down at him with tears in her eyes, 1246 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:40,065 and is like... [sniffs] "I don't know, man. 1247 00:57:40,195 --> 00:57:41,849 Probably like a three?" 1248 00:57:41,980 --> 00:57:44,156 [scattered clapping] 1249 00:57:44,286 --> 00:57:46,419 What a weird slow clap you did. That's been my sad-- 1250 00:57:46,550 --> 00:57:48,247 I just had to talk about them clapping, though. 1251 00:57:48,377 --> 00:57:51,206 Just the one. Hey, that's been me! I'm Dash Kwiatkowski! 1252 00:57:51,337 --> 00:57:54,253 -Thank you so much. Um... -[cheering, applause] 1253 00:57:54,383 --> 00:57:55,863 Goodbye. 1254 00:58:00,694 --> 00:58:05,394 Good evening, North Hollywood shopping district. 1255 00:58:05,525 --> 00:58:07,875 I just want to say what a pleasure it is for you 1256 00:58:08,006 --> 00:58:09,834 to be here tonight. 1257 00:58:09,964 --> 00:58:13,620 Oh! I don't know about you, I was very, very 1258 00:58:13,751 --> 00:58:16,710 excited and anxious for 2020 to begin. 1259 00:58:16,841 --> 00:58:21,498 Uh, until about eleventeen minutes after midnight 1260 00:58:21,628 --> 00:58:23,108 into 2020. 1261 00:58:23,238 --> 00:58:26,067 For me, that is because that is when I got an incorrect text, 1262 00:58:26,198 --> 00:58:29,201 a text message from someone, they were in the wrong thread 1263 00:58:29,331 --> 00:58:31,116 saying things they did not mean to say. 1264 00:58:31,246 --> 00:58:32,683 It's happened to all of us. 1265 00:58:32,813 --> 00:58:34,772 Maybe it's been your boss or your spouse. 1266 00:58:34,902 --> 00:58:37,339 For me, I got a text at eleventeen minutes 1267 00:58:37,470 --> 00:58:39,385 after midnight that said, 1268 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,953 "I can't wait until you come over here tomorrow 1269 00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:43,998 and you're inside me." 1270 00:58:46,784 --> 00:58:48,786 And then I quickly got in all caps, "Oh, my God! 1271 00:58:48,916 --> 00:58:50,309 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! 1272 00:58:50,439 --> 00:58:52,137 I didn't mean that for you! I didn't mean that for you! 1273 00:58:52,267 --> 00:58:53,573 I didn't mean that for you!" 1274 00:58:53,704 --> 00:58:56,271 So I texted back in all lowercase letters, 1275 00:58:56,402 --> 00:58:58,404 "I certainly hope not, Mom." 1276 00:59:05,367 --> 00:59:07,369 [sighs] She said, "Are you mad at me? 1277 00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:09,371 Are you mad at me?" I said, "How can I be mad? 1278 00:59:09,502 --> 00:59:12,026 I clearly learned it from you." 1279 00:59:18,119 --> 00:59:20,078 And I wish that was a joke. 1280 00:59:20,208 --> 00:59:23,821 Uh... [laughs] 1281 00:59:23,951 --> 00:59:27,607 Um, 2020 has already been a very good year for me 1282 00:59:27,738 --> 00:59:29,870 'cause 2019 ended very poorly. 1283 00:59:30,001 --> 00:59:32,830 The Sunday before Christmas, 1284 00:59:32,960 --> 00:59:36,224 the Lord's birthday, uh... 1285 00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:38,662 if you're into that sort of thing, 1286 00:59:38,792 --> 00:59:43,188 uh, the week before that, I had gradually no longer 1287 00:59:43,318 --> 00:59:45,103 been able to put weight on my left foot. 1288 00:59:45,233 --> 00:59:47,584 I went to using a cane to using crutches. 1289 00:59:47,714 --> 00:59:48,759 And it wasn't getting better 1290 00:59:48,889 --> 00:59:50,151 and I was avoiding going to the doctor 1291 00:59:50,282 --> 00:59:53,677 'cause we live in America, so that's really not a thing 1292 00:59:53,807 --> 00:59:56,157 for most of us. 1293 00:59:56,288 --> 00:59:58,812 Uh... 1294 00:59:58,943 --> 01:00:01,859 And the Sunday before Christmas, at 3:00 in the morning, 1295 01:00:01,989 --> 01:00:04,513 I woke up in excruciating pain shooting up my leg 1296 01:00:04,644 --> 01:00:06,907 and my foot had swollen to twice its size. 1297 01:00:07,038 --> 01:00:08,474 And it was purple. 1298 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,476 So I pulled out my insurance card 1299 01:00:10,607 --> 01:00:12,521 and called the nurse's hotline on the back 1300 01:00:12,652 --> 01:00:15,612 to see if I was allowed to go to the hospital to die. 1301 01:00:18,702 --> 01:00:20,878 Rather than doing it in the comfort and cheapness 1302 01:00:21,008 --> 01:00:22,575 of my own home. 1303 01:00:22,706 --> 01:00:26,318 And I called and a woman named Deborah answered. 1304 01:00:26,448 --> 01:00:28,015 And I explained to her what'd been going on 1305 01:00:28,146 --> 01:00:30,757 the last five days, and my foot had swollen 1306 01:00:30,888 --> 01:00:31,758 and it was purple, and she said, 1307 01:00:31,889 --> 01:00:34,021 "Oh, what shade?" 1308 01:00:35,762 --> 01:00:41,159 I wasn't aware that Blue Shield had a paint swatch system 1309 01:00:41,289 --> 01:00:43,814 by which to measure the emergency, so I said, 1310 01:00:43,944 --> 01:00:47,469 "It's the shade of Elizabeth Taylor's eyes, Deborah. 1311 01:00:48,775 --> 01:00:51,996 Can I please go to the hospital? 1312 01:00:52,126 --> 01:00:54,520 Mother, may I?" 1313 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,522 And so she said, "That's very bad. 1314 01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,915 You might have a blood clot." 1315 01:00:58,045 --> 01:01:01,048 And blood clotting runs in my family. Good genes! 1316 01:01:01,179 --> 01:01:03,921 And so she said, she told me to call the ambulance. 1317 01:01:04,051 --> 01:01:06,010 So I called the ambulance, and as a gay man, 1318 01:01:06,140 --> 01:01:08,099 I'm terrified I haven't showered in days 1319 01:01:08,229 --> 01:01:10,841 and my room is a mess, and I have a wonderful housemate, 1320 01:01:10,971 --> 01:01:12,277 he went downstairs to greet them, 1321 01:01:12,407 --> 01:01:14,192 offer them a quick aperitif. 1322 01:01:14,322 --> 01:01:18,762 Uh... 'cause we live in West Hollywood and there are rules. 1323 01:01:23,157 --> 01:01:27,031 And he sent them upstairs to where I live. 1324 01:01:27,161 --> 01:01:28,206 And two EMTs walked in, 1325 01:01:28,336 --> 01:01:30,338 one really tall, one really short. 1326 01:01:30,469 --> 01:01:33,211 Both hot as hell. 'Cause, again, it's West Hollywood. 1327 01:01:33,341 --> 01:01:35,474 And there are rules. 1328 01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:37,519 And the tall one would not look at me at all. 1329 01:01:37,650 --> 01:01:39,696 He walked into the room with his eyes to the ground 1330 01:01:39,826 --> 01:01:42,394 like he was Sling Blade, just like, "I don't... 1331 01:01:42,524 --> 01:01:45,136 I... mm..." 1332 01:01:45,266 --> 01:01:47,399 And immediately I'm-- the other one was making 1333 01:01:47,529 --> 01:01:48,661 total eye contact. 1334 01:01:48,792 --> 01:01:50,489 And I'm immediately thinking, "Oh, my God. 1335 01:01:50,619 --> 01:01:54,145 He's horrified at how messy the house is." 1336 01:01:54,275 --> 01:01:56,843 And then my housemate is looking at me from behind 1337 01:01:56,974 --> 01:02:00,151 the short one going... [whispers] "Look around!" 1338 01:02:00,281 --> 01:02:05,156 And I suddenly see with new eyes the room in which I live. 1339 01:02:05,286 --> 01:02:09,073 Which is filled with homoerotic art. 1340 01:02:11,336 --> 01:02:13,294 And when I say homoerotic "art," 1341 01:02:13,425 --> 01:02:16,776 I mean like photographs of a porn star's balls, 1342 01:02:16,907 --> 01:02:20,606 but on an orchid and in black and white. 1343 01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:22,956 So it's art. 1344 01:02:26,090 --> 01:02:28,266 So I realize the tall one isn't looking at me. 1345 01:02:28,396 --> 01:02:30,921 Now, for the record, I tend to be attracted to very tall men. 1346 01:02:31,051 --> 01:02:32,574 I'm always attracted to tall men. 1347 01:02:32,705 --> 01:02:34,402 I like a tall man that I can lean into 1348 01:02:34,533 --> 01:02:36,143 and feel like a lady. 1349 01:02:37,579 --> 01:02:40,060 That wasn't supposed to be funny. Fuck you. 1350 01:02:40,191 --> 01:02:42,149 Um... 1351 01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:43,934 But tall men tend to not like me. 1352 01:02:44,064 --> 01:02:46,066 I'm not usually attracted to super short guys. 1353 01:02:46,197 --> 01:02:47,720 But short guys always into me. 1354 01:02:47,851 --> 01:02:49,809 And if this town has taught me anything, 1355 01:02:49,940 --> 01:02:51,680 it's you go where the work is. 1356 01:02:51,811 --> 01:02:54,640 [cheering] 1357 01:02:56,685 --> 01:03:00,298 So now I'm just focusing on Mario Kart here. 1358 01:03:01,386 --> 01:03:02,996 He's being very sweet. 1359 01:03:03,127 --> 01:03:04,737 They're like, "Yeah, we better get to the hospital." 1360 01:03:04,868 --> 01:03:06,478 [laughs] They get me to the hospital, 1361 01:03:06,608 --> 01:03:08,567 all kinds of tests, hours and hours and hours, 1362 01:03:08,697 --> 01:03:10,482 the entire day, and event-- they can't figure out 1363 01:03:10,612 --> 01:03:11,657 what it is, it's not a blood clot. 1364 01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:13,050 It starts getting more and more serious. 1365 01:03:13,180 --> 01:03:15,052 And then they tell me I might have a rare condition 1366 01:03:15,182 --> 01:03:17,054 by which they may have to open up my entire foot 1367 01:03:17,184 --> 01:03:18,707 all the way up to my knee. 1368 01:03:18,838 --> 01:03:22,842 And that it is possible I could lose my left foot 1369 01:03:22,973 --> 01:03:24,278 during this process. 1370 01:03:24,409 --> 01:03:27,107 Now, in fairness, I have almost never used my feet 1371 01:03:27,238 --> 01:03:29,501 my entire life. 1372 01:03:29,631 --> 01:03:33,461 Ten thousand steps is a myth and a lie. 1373 01:03:35,202 --> 01:03:37,509 There are days I've only taken 37 steps 1374 01:03:37,639 --> 01:03:39,250 and I'm proud of that 'cause they're all bathroom 1375 01:03:39,380 --> 01:03:41,469 and refrigerator trips. 1376 01:03:43,602 --> 01:03:47,084 That's a lot harder to do. 1377 01:03:47,214 --> 01:03:50,348 Welcome. Can I get you anything? Maybe a watch? 1378 01:03:50,478 --> 01:03:52,263 Um... 1379 01:03:52,393 --> 01:03:54,613 No, you're adorable. I love those boots. 1380 01:03:54,743 --> 01:03:56,180 I wanna wear them. 1381 01:03:56,310 --> 01:03:58,269 [sighs, laughs] 1382 01:03:58,399 --> 01:04:01,446 So while I'm waiting to find out if I'm going 1383 01:04:01,576 --> 01:04:04,014 to potentially lose my foot, I do what all comedians would do 1384 01:04:04,144 --> 01:04:06,103 in traumatic moments, I start writing in my phone. 1385 01:04:06,233 --> 01:04:07,582 Frantically writing. 1386 01:04:07,713 --> 01:04:10,411 'Cause I realize I'm gonna have to write an entire new act 1387 01:04:10,542 --> 01:04:11,978 because I'm not gonna have a fucking foot. 1388 01:04:12,109 --> 01:04:14,763 You can't just walk onstage with like one of those 1389 01:04:14,894 --> 01:04:18,289 springy boomerang legs... 1390 01:04:19,333 --> 01:04:21,683 and not acknowledge it. 1391 01:04:24,251 --> 01:04:26,645 So I'm frantically writing for hours and hours, 1392 01:04:26,775 --> 01:04:28,386 and I start texting friends, 1393 01:04:28,516 --> 01:04:29,909 and most of my friends are comedians. 1394 01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:32,346 So I'm texting comedians things I'm writing. 1395 01:04:32,477 --> 01:04:35,132 And I'm getting responses like, "Brad, that material is great. 1396 01:04:36,655 --> 01:04:39,179 You gotta lose that foot." 1397 01:04:41,529 --> 01:04:43,575 A friend of mine who works at Netflix is like, 1398 01:04:43,705 --> 01:04:44,968 "Brad, I don't know how to say this, 1399 01:04:45,098 --> 01:04:48,101 but if you lose that foot you're gonna get a Netflix deal." 1400 01:04:50,625 --> 01:04:53,890 And then my one friend Joel texts me back and goes, 1401 01:04:54,020 --> 01:04:55,674 "Brad, forget about the comedy. 1402 01:04:55,804 --> 01:04:58,242 Think of the parking." 1403 01:05:00,244 --> 01:05:01,985 So now the doctor comes back in and I'm like, 1404 01:05:02,115 --> 01:05:05,597 "What do I have to do to talk you to take off this foot? 1405 01:05:05,727 --> 01:05:09,470 Today. Sir." 1406 01:05:10,602 --> 01:05:12,952 [laughs] I... 1407 01:05:13,083 --> 01:05:16,129 I didn't lose the foot, as you can see. 1408 01:05:16,260 --> 01:05:17,870 This is... real. 1409 01:05:18,001 --> 01:05:21,178 Uh... but it was very serious. 1410 01:05:21,308 --> 01:05:22,875 And one of the ways I knew the doctor was serious, 1411 01:05:23,006 --> 01:05:25,530 and I want to share with you 'cause I thought he was joking, 1412 01:05:25,660 --> 01:05:27,053 is he said, "How long has this been going on?" 1413 01:05:27,184 --> 01:05:28,750 I said, "Honestly, it's been almost seven days 1414 01:05:28,881 --> 01:05:30,361 that I've been in a lot of pain." 1415 01:05:30,491 --> 01:05:32,058 And he said, "How much pain?" And I said, "Honestly, 1416 01:05:32,189 --> 01:05:34,756 so much pain that I haven't been able to shower or masturbate 1417 01:05:34,887 --> 01:05:36,019 in seven days." 1418 01:05:36,149 --> 01:05:38,586 Which I thought was being cheeky. 1419 01:05:38,717 --> 01:05:41,198 And he went, "Oh, God." 1420 01:05:42,808 --> 01:05:44,462 And he went, "That's not healthy at all." 1421 01:05:44,592 --> 01:05:46,507 And I assumed he meant the showering. 1422 01:05:46,638 --> 01:05:48,770 And he said, "No, Brad, the masturbating." 1423 01:05:48,901 --> 01:05:53,558 Because I am over 40, just gently, just gently over 40. 1424 01:05:53,688 --> 01:05:56,256 And he said, "Brad, over 40 you have to be concerned 1425 01:05:56,387 --> 01:05:58,432 about prostate health. 1426 01:05:58,563 --> 01:06:01,870 So it's best you masturbate once to twice a day, 1427 01:06:02,001 --> 01:06:05,396 just for medical reasons." 1428 01:06:05,526 --> 01:06:08,573 I said, "You don't have to talk to me twice about that, sir. 1429 01:06:08,703 --> 01:06:10,575 I've been practicing my whole life." 1430 01:06:10,705 --> 01:06:11,924 But he said, "No, honestly, 1431 01:06:12,055 --> 01:06:13,404 think of it as basic maintenance. 1432 01:06:13,534 --> 01:06:15,145 Think of masturbating twice a day 1433 01:06:15,275 --> 01:06:16,973 like brushing your teeth twice a day." 1434 01:06:17,103 --> 01:06:19,976 I said, "Well, there is a distinct difference, though. 1435 01:06:20,106 --> 01:06:23,196 For instance, I have never needed a belt around my neck 1436 01:06:23,327 --> 01:06:26,112 to finish brushing my teeth." 1437 01:06:31,204 --> 01:06:33,337 Everyone here, autoerotic asphyxiation. 1438 01:06:33,467 --> 01:06:35,600 Everyone here, horrified. 1439 01:06:37,863 --> 01:06:40,257 Fucking Puritans. 1440 01:06:40,387 --> 01:06:42,955 But then I also thought, you know it's always that thing 1441 01:06:43,086 --> 01:06:45,566 of like when you want something really bad, you never get it. 1442 01:06:45,697 --> 01:06:47,307 And then when you don't need it, it arrives. 1443 01:06:47,438 --> 01:06:48,961 So you're out of work for a while, 1444 01:06:49,092 --> 01:06:50,789 you're going on job interviews, soon as you get a great job, 1445 01:06:50,919 --> 01:06:52,834 five other places call to give you a job. 1446 01:06:52,965 --> 01:06:56,577 You're on a dating low, you finally find a great guy or gal, 1447 01:06:56,708 --> 01:07:00,494 or whatever mammal you're into, and suddenly ten appear. 1448 01:07:00,625 --> 01:07:02,366 And I just thought the minute they cut that foot off, 1449 01:07:02,496 --> 01:07:04,716 I'm gonna go to a gay bar and the hottest man I've ever seen 1450 01:07:04,846 --> 01:07:07,023 is gonna walk over to me, be totally into me, 1451 01:07:07,153 --> 01:07:08,459 and halfway through the conversation, 1452 01:07:08,589 --> 01:07:11,549 I'm gonna find out he's a foot fetishist. 1453 01:07:12,941 --> 01:07:14,726 And he's gonna look at me and say, "Brad, 1454 01:07:14,856 --> 01:07:16,902 what do I have to do-- what are the chances 1455 01:07:17,033 --> 01:07:18,643 I'm gonna get to take you home tonight 1456 01:07:18,773 --> 01:07:20,601 and suck on those toes?" 1457 01:07:20,732 --> 01:07:22,342 "Mm, 50-50." 1458 01:07:29,045 --> 01:07:33,136 I was informed recently by a friend that I am a bean queen. 1459 01:07:33,266 --> 01:07:35,355 -[man] What? -Thank you. 1460 01:07:36,574 --> 01:07:40,056 A bean queen is someone who, uh, 1461 01:07:40,186 --> 01:07:44,538 tends to date and sleep with only people of Latino origin. 1462 01:07:44,669 --> 01:07:48,151 Hi! Good to see you too. Does this look familiar? 1463 01:07:50,501 --> 01:07:52,111 Um... 1464 01:07:52,242 --> 01:07:53,982 That's a truck stop joke, for those of you 1465 01:07:54,113 --> 01:07:56,985 who were raised in the city. 1466 01:07:57,116 --> 01:08:02,165 Um, I do-- listen. If you're Mexican, 1467 01:08:02,295 --> 01:08:06,256 Puerto Rican, Dominican, basically, yes you can. 1468 01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:08,258 Uh... 1469 01:08:08,388 --> 01:08:10,042 But that is not-- I want you to know I do not 1470 01:08:10,173 --> 01:08:11,696 fetishize Latino people. 1471 01:08:11,826 --> 01:08:13,567 It is just Latino people historically 1472 01:08:13,698 --> 01:08:17,267 have been very attracted to me, and I am a narcissist. 1473 01:08:17,397 --> 01:08:20,444 And I am expo-- exponentially more attracted to you 1474 01:08:20,574 --> 01:08:23,186 based on how attracted to me you are. 1475 01:08:23,316 --> 01:08:27,146 And Latino men just like a little meat on the bone. 1476 01:08:27,277 --> 01:08:30,280 A little gordita. 1477 01:08:30,410 --> 01:08:33,109 Which is what they tend to call me when I walk down the street. 1478 01:08:33,239 --> 01:08:37,417 Which I assume means pretty lady because... 1479 01:08:37,548 --> 01:08:41,204 I went to public school and I barely speak English. 1480 01:08:42,901 --> 01:08:46,426 I do love Latin men, but they love to talk in bed. 1481 01:08:46,557 --> 01:08:47,471 And actually, shockingly enough, 1482 01:08:47,601 --> 01:08:49,734 I don't like a lot of chitchat in bed. 1483 01:08:49,864 --> 01:08:52,867 I talk for a living, shut the fuck up. 1484 01:08:54,217 --> 01:08:55,609 Which is why I like truly Latino men 1485 01:08:55,740 --> 01:08:57,611 because if you barely speak English 1486 01:08:57,742 --> 01:08:59,135 and that accent is real thick, 1487 01:08:59,265 --> 01:09:02,921 like you're so Brazilian it sounds like you're deaf... 1488 01:09:03,051 --> 01:09:04,879 [laughter] 1489 01:09:05,010 --> 01:09:09,145 Now I know who's had sex with a lot of Brazilians. 1490 01:09:09,275 --> 01:09:12,365 [laughs] That's the kind of-- I dated a Cuban guy for a while. 1491 01:09:12,496 --> 01:09:14,802 He was a Cuban bandleader in Miami. 1492 01:09:14,933 --> 01:09:19,198 Basically made me Lucille Ball in that scenario. 1493 01:09:19,329 --> 01:09:21,679 And he used to talk all the time during sex. 1494 01:09:21,809 --> 01:09:22,941 He would just be like, "Yeah, you like that? 1495 01:09:23,071 --> 01:09:26,684 You like that?" "Yeah, I like it." 1496 01:09:26,814 --> 01:09:31,167 "You like that?" "I just told you I liked it." 1497 01:09:33,473 --> 01:09:37,347 "You like that? You like--" "I like it! 1498 01:09:37,477 --> 01:09:39,436 There's a nine-inch penis inside of me! 1499 01:09:39,566 --> 01:09:42,830 If I didn't like it, I would donkey-kick you out of me!" 1500 01:09:44,789 --> 01:09:48,227 Yeah, that got the women on my side. 1501 01:09:48,358 --> 01:09:50,621 But he always wanted me to call him Daddy. 1502 01:09:50,751 --> 01:09:54,102 And he was 41 and this tall, but okay. 1503 01:09:54,233 --> 01:09:56,844 I'm a people pleaser. 1504 01:09:56,975 --> 01:09:59,630 And you know when someone says something terrible in bed, 1505 01:09:59,760 --> 01:10:02,328 like out of the blue, like at least if it's someone 1506 01:10:02,459 --> 01:10:04,417 you've been dating a long time, you're like, "Oh, baby. 1507 01:10:04,548 --> 01:10:05,810 No, no, no, no." 1508 01:10:05,940 --> 01:10:07,203 But when it's like new... 1509 01:10:07,333 --> 01:10:08,769 One of the first times we hooked up, 1510 01:10:08,900 --> 01:10:11,032 he's like, "Call me Daddy." I'm like, "Okay. 1511 01:10:11,163 --> 01:10:12,556 I'm your boy and you're Daddy." 1512 01:10:12,686 --> 01:10:15,428 And he's like, "Tell Daddy you like it." 1513 01:10:15,559 --> 01:10:17,430 "I like it, Daddy." 1514 01:10:17,561 --> 01:10:19,519 "Say it louder." "I like it, Daddy." 1515 01:10:19,650 --> 01:10:20,999 And then he said, "Say it louder!" 1516 01:10:21,129 --> 01:10:23,001 And smacked my ass. I went, "I like it, Daddy!" 1517 01:10:23,131 --> 01:10:24,307 And he put his hand over my mouth, 1518 01:10:24,437 --> 01:10:26,700 and went, "Sh! We don't want Mom to hear." 1519 01:10:26,831 --> 01:10:28,963 Nope! 1520 01:10:30,661 --> 01:10:35,361 No! Absolutely not! 1521 01:10:35,492 --> 01:10:39,147 Who do you think you are, my uncle? Simmer down! 1522 01:10:39,278 --> 01:10:40,932 And you're allowed to laugh at that 1523 01:10:41,062 --> 01:10:43,978 'cause my uncle is hot and imaginary. 1524 01:10:48,505 --> 01:10:50,202 I'm available for children's birthday parties 1525 01:10:50,333 --> 01:10:52,552 and bar mitzvahs, by the way. 1526 01:10:54,467 --> 01:10:56,991 I do love accents, though, all accents. 1527 01:10:57,122 --> 01:11:00,430 Not just Latino accents, European accents, 1528 01:11:00,560 --> 01:11:02,954 Asian accents, New Jersey. 1529 01:11:03,084 --> 01:11:05,522 Uh... but accents can get you in trouble. 1530 01:11:05,652 --> 01:11:08,133 I was performing on a gay cruise not too long ago, 1531 01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:11,397 and I went home with one of the guests 1532 01:11:11,528 --> 01:11:12,746 who had come to my show. 1533 01:11:12,877 --> 01:11:15,532 And he had some kind of Eastern European kind of, 1534 01:11:15,662 --> 01:11:18,752 "Vlah, vlah, vlah, vlah..." 1535 01:11:18,883 --> 01:11:22,974 Draculian kind of thing going on. 1536 01:11:23,104 --> 01:11:26,891 I didn't ask because, you know, shut up. 1537 01:11:27,021 --> 01:11:30,373 And we went back to his room and we started having sex. 1538 01:11:30,503 --> 01:11:32,723 And then he said something I always hate hearing 1539 01:11:32,853 --> 01:11:33,680 in the bedroom, he said, 1540 01:11:33,811 --> 01:11:35,639 "Brad, I want you to get on top." 1541 01:11:35,769 --> 01:11:37,597 I hate that. 1542 01:11:37,728 --> 01:11:39,120 For two reasons. 1543 01:11:39,251 --> 01:11:41,166 First of all, I always think you're trying to trick me 1544 01:11:41,297 --> 01:11:42,689 into doing cardio. 1545 01:11:44,343 --> 01:11:45,736 And I see you. 1546 01:11:45,866 --> 01:11:48,086 Secondly, I paid attention in physics, 1547 01:11:48,216 --> 01:11:50,741 and I know that a body in motion tends to stay in motion. 1548 01:11:50,871 --> 01:11:55,572 And I have acquired a significant amount of body. 1549 01:11:55,702 --> 01:11:59,967 So if I'm riding your dick kind of full side saddle, 1550 01:12:00,098 --> 01:12:02,579 just... 1551 01:12:02,709 --> 01:12:07,061 'Cause you gotta exhale and bevel to look pretty, girls. 1552 01:12:07,192 --> 01:12:10,064 You know, we're gonna get out of sync 1553 01:12:10,195 --> 01:12:12,806 between the waves and motion, and suddenly it's gonna look 1554 01:12:12,937 --> 01:12:16,244 like a water bed is riding your dick. 1555 01:12:16,375 --> 01:12:19,639 And at least if you're a gal with boobs, 1556 01:12:19,770 --> 01:12:23,600 um, when you're on top, it's pretty, it's fun, 1557 01:12:23,730 --> 01:12:26,472 it's, "Oh, my titties are bouncing!" 1558 01:12:26,603 --> 01:12:29,345 I assume. I... 1559 01:12:32,739 --> 01:12:36,264 It is in no way attractive if I'm on top of you going, 1560 01:12:36,395 --> 01:12:38,615 "Oh, my titties are bouncing! 1561 01:12:38,745 --> 01:12:41,400 Oh, my hairy titties! 1562 01:12:41,531 --> 01:12:43,968 Ahh!" 1563 01:12:47,754 --> 01:12:50,017 So I got on top... 1564 01:12:50,148 --> 01:12:52,629 and then just like "Don't tell Mom," 1565 01:12:52,759 --> 01:12:55,153 he said something... 1566 01:12:55,283 --> 01:12:57,024 Out of nowhere, out of nowhere, no lead-in, he goes, 1567 01:12:57,155 --> 01:12:59,331 "I want you to shit on my chest." 1568 01:12:59,462 --> 01:13:01,377 -[audience groans] -Thank you! 1569 01:13:01,507 --> 01:13:06,033 And he wasn't even German, so it took me by total surprise. 1570 01:13:08,296 --> 01:13:11,822 [sighs] Someone went, "Totally." Um... 1571 01:13:11,952 --> 01:13:14,302 Now, first of all, you just can't lead with that. 1572 01:13:14,433 --> 01:13:15,521 You gotta butter a girl up 1573 01:13:15,652 --> 01:13:19,438 before we get into "shit on my chest." 1574 01:13:19,569 --> 01:13:23,790 So I just ignore it, thinking, "We're just gonna let that lie." 1575 01:13:26,706 --> 01:13:28,578 And he keeps saying, "No, it'll be so hot. 1576 01:13:28,708 --> 01:13:32,799 Shit on my chest. Shit all over..." [gags] 1577 01:13:32,930 --> 01:13:36,760 First of all, I have never in my entire-- okay. 1578 01:13:36,890 --> 01:13:41,678 Side story. Possibly once did I accidentally-- 1579 01:13:41,808 --> 01:13:43,549 It happens. You're a bottom. 1580 01:13:43,680 --> 01:13:46,073 If you go down a rabbithole, don't get mad at me 1581 01:13:46,204 --> 01:13:48,728 that you found a rabbit. Okay? 1582 01:13:49,860 --> 01:13:51,035 I was in my early 20s, 1583 01:13:51,165 --> 01:13:52,689 I went home with a one night stand in New York City 1584 01:13:52,819 --> 01:13:55,082 to his hotel room... [sighs] 1585 01:13:55,213 --> 01:13:57,258 I had to be on top again, and now, 1586 01:13:57,389 --> 01:14:00,087 as a grown 40... year old man, 1587 01:14:00,218 --> 01:14:03,656 if we're having sex and something starts to happen, 1588 01:14:03,787 --> 01:14:05,397 I will just stop it, you know? 1589 01:14:05,528 --> 01:14:07,355 So I was on top of him, right, just... 1590 01:14:07,486 --> 01:14:10,663 ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo 1591 01:14:10,794 --> 01:14:14,232 And suddenly I realized something had gone awry. 1592 01:14:14,362 --> 01:14:18,236 The Oompa Loompahs at the factory... 1593 01:14:18,366 --> 01:14:21,021 they were off their choreography. 1594 01:14:22,545 --> 01:14:24,198 Now, if that were to happen now, 1595 01:14:24,329 --> 01:14:27,114 I would simply settle down on you and go, "Honey, 1596 01:14:27,245 --> 01:14:29,508 we are gonna have to hold each other 1597 01:14:29,639 --> 01:14:32,903 and just Human Centipede to the bathroom." 1598 01:14:35,296 --> 01:14:38,430 'Cause it's an occupational hazard. 1599 01:14:38,561 --> 01:14:39,953 But I was in my early 20s, 1600 01:14:40,084 --> 01:14:42,086 and you have a lot of shame as a bottom in your early 20s, 1601 01:14:42,216 --> 01:14:44,828 a lot, about things like that, about poop. 1602 01:14:46,743 --> 01:14:49,485 And I was much younger and much leaner and slimmer. 1603 01:14:49,615 --> 01:14:53,184 And I had trained as a dancer. I know it's shocking. 1604 01:14:53,314 --> 01:14:56,448 But up until about 25, this used to dance 1605 01:14:56,579 --> 01:14:58,319 on national tours of musicals. 1606 01:14:58,450 --> 01:15:01,845 And then this Brad ate that Brad... 1607 01:15:03,934 --> 01:15:09,679 to steal his power 'cause there can be only one. 1608 01:15:09,809 --> 01:15:13,030 So I thought, in my naivety and my flexibility, 1609 01:15:13,160 --> 01:15:16,599 that I would be able to jetee off of him, 1610 01:15:16,729 --> 01:15:19,602 land, pull up into a soutenu, 1611 01:15:19,732 --> 01:15:23,214 and kind of steam heat to the bathroom. 1612 01:15:29,742 --> 01:15:33,093 That is not what happened. 1613 01:15:33,224 --> 01:15:37,837 What happened was I leapt into a full Martha Graham 1614 01:15:37,968 --> 01:15:40,753 "Appalachian Spring" sidekick. 1615 01:15:41,798 --> 01:15:43,060 [sighs] 1616 01:15:43,190 --> 01:15:46,672 And what can only be described as shrapnel... 1617 01:15:49,153 --> 01:15:52,852 peppered the Sheraton Hotel room. 1618 01:15:54,506 --> 01:15:57,248 I quickly grabbed my clothes, got dressed and ran out. 1619 01:15:57,378 --> 01:15:59,163 And I am still not allowed to stay 1620 01:15:59,293 --> 01:16:02,079 in the Sheraton Hotel chain. 1621 01:16:05,125 --> 01:16:07,998 So anyway, cut to 20 years later. 1622 01:16:08,128 --> 01:16:11,523 I'm riding Dracula's dick. 1623 01:16:11,654 --> 01:16:12,959 And he says it, and I'm like, "You know what? 1624 01:16:13,090 --> 01:16:15,788 I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna speed up and I'm gonna cum 1625 01:16:15,919 --> 01:16:17,311 and I'm gonna go. 1626 01:16:17,442 --> 01:16:19,705 He won't be the first man I've disappointed in bed, 1627 01:16:19,836 --> 01:16:22,621 and he will not be the last. 1628 01:16:22,752 --> 01:16:26,146 The Yelp reviews are terrible." Uh... 1629 01:16:26,277 --> 01:16:29,062 So I'm speeding up and he's thinking I'm speeding up 1630 01:16:29,193 --> 01:16:30,716 to do it. 1631 01:16:30,847 --> 01:16:33,240 And so he's like, "Oh, yeah. It'll be so hot. 1632 01:16:33,371 --> 01:16:35,068 Just shit on my chest." 1633 01:16:35,199 --> 01:16:37,462 And so I'm like, "Oh, God, no!" 1634 01:16:37,593 --> 01:16:40,987 And I arrive. 1635 01:16:41,118 --> 01:16:45,426 And he goes, "See? Wasn't that sexy?" 1636 01:16:45,557 --> 01:16:50,475 With his accent, he had been saying, "Shoot on my chest." 1637 01:17:00,354 --> 01:17:05,403 Which means I came this close to the worst guest comment card 1638 01:17:05,533 --> 01:17:09,625 that cruise line has ever gotten about a performer. 1639 01:17:17,067 --> 01:17:19,156 Just two quick more things. 'Cause you're lovely! 1640 01:17:19,286 --> 01:17:21,506 I love you. The... 1641 01:17:21,637 --> 01:17:24,204 I... I was just on an Atlantis gay cruise. 1642 01:17:24,335 --> 01:17:26,163 It was amazing. I have performed on a lot of them. 1643 01:17:26,293 --> 01:17:28,818 If you are a homosexual or a fruit fly, 1644 01:17:28,948 --> 01:17:30,254 you should definitely check them out. 1645 01:17:30,384 --> 01:17:32,560 They are a good time. 1646 01:17:32,691 --> 01:17:35,346 They... they let me go on excursions for free, 1647 01:17:35,476 --> 01:17:36,913 on ship excursions. 1648 01:17:37,043 --> 01:17:39,480 And recently I went on one of the dolphin excursions. 1649 01:17:39,611 --> 01:17:41,569 Now, before the lesbians get mad, 1650 01:17:41,700 --> 01:17:44,529 I know we're not supposed to keep the aquatic animals 1651 01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:48,272 in captivity, and I do agree with that about a lot of them. 1652 01:17:48,402 --> 01:17:50,840 But I don't know if you know this, but dolphins are assholes. 1653 01:17:50,970 --> 01:17:53,973 Uh, you should Google "dolphin rape." 1654 01:17:54,104 --> 01:17:56,236 They are really sexually aggressive. 1655 01:17:56,367 --> 01:17:59,413 They will rape anything that has a pulse in the sea. 1656 01:17:59,544 --> 01:18:01,502 Really sexual, seriously. 1657 01:18:01,633 --> 01:18:04,114 Like Flipper was the Bill Cosby of the sea. 1658 01:18:04,244 --> 01:18:06,943 It's a bad scene. 1659 01:18:07,073 --> 01:18:09,946 And this particular dolphin experience was in captivity, 1660 01:18:10,076 --> 01:18:12,165 but it was injured dolphins who couldn't be released 1661 01:18:12,296 --> 01:18:14,864 to the wild, so they had to kind of sing for their supper. 1662 01:18:14,994 --> 01:18:16,996 I relate. 1663 01:18:17,127 --> 01:18:19,825 So we go and they train you how to do all this stuff. 1664 01:18:19,956 --> 01:18:21,087 And at the very end, they have two dolphins and they're like, 1665 01:18:21,218 --> 01:18:24,395 "Brad, you're gonna like kind of washboard your body 1666 01:18:24,525 --> 01:18:26,876 and flex your feet and go out like that, 1667 01:18:27,006 --> 01:18:28,704 and they're gonna come up behind you and push your feet 1668 01:18:28,834 --> 01:18:31,054 and you're gonna go forward like that 1669 01:18:31,184 --> 01:18:32,272 and we'll get the picture, 1670 01:18:32,403 --> 01:18:33,447 the photographer will get the picture. 1671 01:18:33,578 --> 01:18:34,840 It'll be gorgeous." So we do it. 1672 01:18:34,971 --> 01:18:36,189 And then right when I finish, 1673 01:18:36,320 --> 01:18:38,148 the two dolphins start circling me, 1674 01:18:38,278 --> 01:18:39,802 just rolling all over me. 1675 01:18:39,932 --> 01:18:42,413 And it's beautiful, they're just these beautiful, elegant, 1676 01:18:42,543 --> 01:18:46,460 majestic inner tubes of muscle and sleekness. 1677 01:18:46,591 --> 01:18:48,854 And then I just-- I get pulled by both of the trainers 1678 01:18:48,985 --> 01:18:49,942 out of the water. 1679 01:18:50,073 --> 01:18:51,857 And they whistle and the dolphins, 1680 01:18:51,988 --> 01:18:53,903 they're yelling at the dolphins. 1681 01:18:54,033 --> 01:18:56,427 And I'm like, "What? Did I--" I thought I hurt them. 1682 01:18:56,557 --> 01:18:59,778 I was so worried. And the one guy looks at me and goes, 1683 01:18:59,909 --> 01:19:01,214 "Dude, I don't know how to tell you this, 1684 01:19:01,345 --> 01:19:03,477 but you were about to get fucked." 1685 01:19:09,135 --> 01:19:11,747 And I said, "So why'd you pull me out?" 1686 01:19:16,490 --> 01:19:18,014 And he said, "No, no, you don't understand. 1687 01:19:18,144 --> 01:19:20,843 They would have taken you by your arms and your legs 1688 01:19:20,973 --> 01:19:23,062 to the bottom of the tank where we wouldn't have been able 1689 01:19:23,193 --> 01:19:26,849 to get to you, and one would hold you down forcibly, 1690 01:19:26,979 --> 01:19:29,547 while the other just searched for holes on your body 1691 01:19:29,677 --> 01:19:32,637 to stick it in!" 1692 01:19:32,768 --> 01:19:36,032 And I said, "So why'd you pull me out? 1693 01:19:38,686 --> 01:19:41,951 And do you have an oxygen tank?" 1694 01:19:42,081 --> 01:19:43,430 And that is why I'm not allowed 1695 01:19:43,561 --> 01:19:47,347 at the Port of Vallarta Dolphin Experience anymore. 1696 01:19:50,698 --> 01:19:51,699 I will leave you with this. 1697 01:19:51,830 --> 01:19:55,573 I am very gay. Some might say too gay. 1698 01:19:55,703 --> 01:19:59,098 And it is fair because I spend a lot of my life performing 1699 01:19:59,229 --> 01:20:01,709 for all gay audiences, gay prides, 1700 01:20:01,840 --> 01:20:03,189 gay charities, gay cruises. 1701 01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:05,061 And I love it, I love my community. 1702 01:20:05,191 --> 01:20:06,932 I'm very proud to be part of this community. 1703 01:20:07,063 --> 01:20:08,934 But when you do that much-- you spend that much time 1704 01:20:09,065 --> 01:20:11,458 around our own people, it makes it very difficult 1705 01:20:11,589 --> 01:20:14,331 to interact with heterosexuals. 1706 01:20:14,461 --> 01:20:16,594 Like I'll spend too much time with all of us, 1707 01:20:16,724 --> 01:20:18,639 and then I'll walk into a store and just be like, 1708 01:20:18,770 --> 01:20:22,774 "Yes, honey! Come! Fear us!" 1709 01:20:22,905 --> 01:20:24,950 And they're like, "Ma'am, this is a Wendy's. 1710 01:20:25,081 --> 01:20:28,911 What do you want?" 1711 01:20:29,041 --> 01:20:31,043 And I know this because I recently came back to LA 1712 01:20:31,174 --> 01:20:33,916 after months on the road, on the gay road. 1713 01:20:34,046 --> 01:20:38,224 And... the Yellow Brick Road of my career. 1714 01:20:38,355 --> 01:20:41,532 And I went to go do a gig at a comedy club by my house, 1715 01:20:41,662 --> 01:20:42,707 and I got to hang out with one of my favorite 1716 01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:46,232 straight male comedians, a guy named Josh Mann. 1717 01:20:46,363 --> 01:20:48,234 And we were gonna go out for drinks after the set. 1718 01:20:48,365 --> 01:20:51,324 And we finish and he goes, "Just wait a second. 1719 01:20:51,455 --> 01:20:53,500 I need to go out back of the club," 1720 01:20:53,631 --> 01:20:55,024 where sometimes comedians hang out. 1721 01:20:55,154 --> 01:20:57,765 "But I'll be back in a minute." Like 15, 20 minutes goes by. 1722 01:20:57,896 --> 01:20:59,115 I'm like, "Where the hell is he?" 1723 01:20:59,245 --> 01:21:01,030 And he comes back and he goes, "Oh, it's okay, dude. 1724 01:21:01,160 --> 01:21:02,814 I just had to do a little..." 1725 01:21:02,945 --> 01:21:05,034 And I went, "Gross." He went, "What?" 1726 01:21:05,164 --> 01:21:07,036 And I went, "You were eating someone's pussy 1727 01:21:07,166 --> 01:21:09,081 behind the club?" And he went, "What? 1728 01:21:09,212 --> 01:21:11,214 Why would you think I was eating someone's pussy?" 1729 01:21:11,344 --> 01:21:12,868 I went, "'Cause you went like that." 1730 01:21:12,998 --> 01:21:15,914 He went, "Brad, this is smoking." 1731 01:21:17,611 --> 01:21:21,267 I said, "No, it's not. This is smoking." 1732 01:21:23,530 --> 01:21:25,402 He said, "Who the hell smokes like that?" 1733 01:21:25,532 --> 01:21:28,579 I said, "Bette Davis, you goddamn animal." 1734 01:21:28,709 --> 01:21:32,800 -Thank you all so much. -[cheering] 1735 01:21:32,931 --> 01:21:35,891 [music plays] 1736 01:21:36,021 --> 01:21:40,678 ♪ You saw me down the way 1737 01:21:40,808 --> 01:21:43,811 ♪ Down the way 1738 01:21:46,249 --> 01:21:50,427 ♪ You saw me down the way 1739 01:21:50,557 --> 01:21:53,473 ♪ Down the way 1740 01:21:53,604 --> 01:21:56,041 ♪ You say love Well, it's a four letter word ♪ 1741 01:21:56,172 --> 01:21:58,478 ♪ But how quickly hate makes it all blurred ♪ 1742 01:21:58,609 --> 01:22:01,133 ♪ The pot stirred with some dirt thrown in ♪ 1743 01:22:01,264 --> 01:22:03,527 ♪ Can't even tell how it all began ♪ 1744 01:22:03,657 --> 01:22:06,008 ♪ I'm taking a look back the man in the mirror ♪ 1745 01:22:06,138 --> 01:22:09,794 ♪ As if Windex could make it any clearer... ♪ 1746 01:22:10,838 --> 01:22:13,102 [microphone droans]