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(gentle festive music)
- Not all dogs shed.
Most dogs even have really clean mouths,
even cleaner than ours.
- If we still had the downtown office,
we could park in the lot, but no,
Glenn's decided to move the whole operation to the suburbs.
- You can even teach dogs to bring in the papers
so you'd never have to leave your chair, Dad.
- There's an empty space,
here we go, here we go!
Ah, for crying out loud!
They oughta ban foreign compact cars.
- Why don't you just park in the lot.
- (sighing) For $8? Are you crazy?
You know, the city says it's free to go ice skating, okay?
The prices of hot chocolate are inflated twice
that of market value, and, and, and ice skating
rental fees are outrageous, and they want $8 for parking?
Not from this buckaroo.
- You show 'em, Dave.
Now listen, I'm putting all the boys downstairs
together in sleeping bags
so they can beat each other senseless for all I care.
I swear I've never seen those boys not punching each other.
- Now, who's in charge of laying out this city?
That's what I'd like to know.
There's not a single place to park anywhere.
- I put Matt and Carol in the blue room.
Oh, and don't mention that Carol's turning 50 this year.
She's very sensitive to that.
Oh, and do you happen to know
what Daryl got Anna this year for Christmas?
Last year, he got her tube socks,
so I went ahead and sent an email
to make sure that doesn't happen again.
- Look at this guy!
He's way over the line. He's taking up two spaces!
- Dave, are, are you listening to me?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Did you know that houses with dogs
are 11% less likely to be broken into?
It's a fact, I read it.
- I passed this lady three times now,
and she's still going through her purse.
Back out, let somebody else park!
You can go through your purse when you get home.
- I wish you would just park the car so we can go downtown.
- Well, I'm trying to park the car.
I've been trying to park the car for half an hour now.
- Just park it already.
- Ah-ha, ah-ha!
What's that? You see that?
You see that, Kassandra?
What do you think of that, huh?
- [Kassandra] That's great, Dad.
- Well, you might not think so now,
but one day when you go to college, you'll say to yourself,
I'm here because Dad knew how to save a buck.
- [Kassandra] Alison just got a dog.
It's all I want for Christmas, and I was thinking.
- [Sandy] Kassandra, we've talked about this.
- [Kassandra] But I would take care of it!
- Did you see this guy?
- [Sandy] We're not getting a dog, Kassandra.
We've talked about this.
A dog is a big deal.
- Are you blind? I'm parking here.
Can you believe this guy?
Unbelievable.
- Hey dummy, don't you see I have my blinker on?
- Jerry!
- What'd you call me?
- You heard me.
- Oh, who cares, just let him have his spot!
- Let him, let him have the spot?
What, oh no, look at this, he's trying to inch up.
Oh no, you don't.
- He's trying to inch back.
I don't believe this.
- (gasps) Dave!
- He just hit me!
- Oh, can we- - You all saw it!
He just hit me.
- Dave, can we please just go park in the garage!
- You just caused an accident, you imbecile!
- Jerry, what are you doing?
- He doesn't wanna move the car?
I'll move it for him.
(cars thudding) - Dave, oh my gosh!
Oh my gosh, he's pushing on us!
- [Dave] Buckle up, Kassandra!
- What are you gonna do?
What are you doing?
- I didn't buy this SUV so we could be pushed around.
- Oh, what are you- - I'm taking the bull
by the horns- - Dave! (grunts)
- And I'm protecting our territory.
(engine revving)
Hang on, girls!
(frenetic orchestral music)
- Oh, yeah.
Let's say goodbye to him, too, when he goes by.
- [Jerry] Now, you feel better?
Thank you!
- [Dave] Well, there you go.
You see what perseverance does?
- How exactly do you expect me to get out?
And don't even try to tell me to climb over to your side.
I can't believe you parked this close.
What were you thinking? - (sighs) Honey.
- Seriously, it's embarrassing, what are you doing?
What are, Dave, what are, what are you doing?
Let go of me, Dave! (screaming)
(bright lively music)
(Sandy gasping)
- All right, who's ready for ice skating?
- I am!
- [Child] Come on Amelia, kick the ball!
(children yelling)
- [Child] Hey, look at me!
- [Child] Kick the ball!
- I'm sorry, I got a little carried away.
- A little?
Dave, you were like a 12-year-old boy
playing bumper cars at the amusement park.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- Look, tomorrow my brother and his family come,
my sister, her husband, your father, your brother, the kids.
The house is gonna be packed.
I just wanna have a nice quiet evening with my family.
- Absolutely.
I will be incident-free until New Year's, scout's honor.
- [Sandy] Okay.
- Okay.
- Mom, can we divide rooms up by family this year?
- [Sandy] Well, I put you and all your cousins together.
- [Dave] It's okay.
- Hey, you're hot!
- But I don't wanna share a room
with Dad's side of the family.
- [Dave] Who's that guy talking to?
- What's wrong with Dad's side of family?
- [Kassandra] They snore, all of 'em!
- All Madisons have sinus problems, honey.
We can't help it.
- Well, I'm a Madison, and I don't snore.
- That's because you're a little angel just like Mommy.
- Yeah. - Drop the zero.
Come hang with a hero.
(teens whistling)
- Who's he talking to?
Is he talking to you?
- Let it go, Dave.
- Hey, trying to spend Christmas here with my family,
you little hooligan!
- [Sandy] Dave, what did we just talk about?
- Perfectly calm.
- You know, maybe we should get
a couple of rooms at the Holiday Inn.
We could afford it.
- What? No, no.
I want the whole family together for the holidays.
Nobody is going to, to the Holiday Inn.
- Yeah, but you know what little space we have.
- Little space?
We live in a 3,000 square foot home
in one of the nicest neighborhoods
in one of the richest countries in the world.
- [Teen] You're good, babe.
- Dave, ignore it.
- Ignore what?
I didn't hear anything.
- Mom, my ankles hurt.
- Here.
Why don't you and your mom go across the street
to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.
- What about you, Dad?
- No.
Gonna go pick up a couple of quick laps,
just like Dad did in the old college days.
- Just be careful, that was 25 years ago.
- 24 years ago.
- Just be careful.
- Always.
(bright lively music)
Okay, hot shot.
Let's see how you like the view from the ice.
(teen thuds) Oh, pardon me.
You little jerk.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
(bright dramatic music)
Do you wanna play rough?
I can play rough.
(teen and Dave grunting)
- [Bystander] Somebody call the police!
(crowd cheering)
- Dave!
(bright festive music)
(Dave sighing)
(tires spinning)
- Son of a-
- What's the matter?
- We're struck.
- Well, try rocking it.
(tires whirring)
- You're just making the grooves deeper.
- All right, you drive, I'll push.
Okay, one, two, three.
(tires whirring)
(Dave grunting)
(bright festive music continues)
Okay, I'm gonna use this board to wedge it under the wheel,
give it something to grip on to.
When I say hit it, let it rip.
(Dave grunting)
- But, Dad, there isn't any friction under the board.
When Mom hits the gas pedal, it's gonna go flying.
- [Dave] Okay.
- [Kassandra] But.
- Hang on, Kassandra.
- [Kassandra] But Mom!
- All right, let her rip.
(tires whirring)
(board thuds)
(Dave yelling)
(gentle upbeat music)
Ah, be careful. - Okay.
- Well, what happened, then?
- Just a little accident.
- Another accident?
Amazing, Darwin is yet to finish the bloody fool off.
- Watch out. - Oh.
- Ow! - Sorry.
- I'll tell you, ever since he was a little boy,
that Dave was always quick to lose his temper. (laughing)
Well, here we are.
It's the morning of December 22nd, and the peace and quiet
of the Madison family home is about to end,
and the Bavarian horde of relatives are about
to swoop in like a level five tsunami.
This ought to be fun.
- [Sandy] Hmm, no, no, I don't like it.
Let's try moving the tree by the fireplace.
(Ben snoring)
(light upbeat music)
(Ben moaning)
- [Sandy] Hmm.
- [Dave] Huh, huh?
- Mm, yeah, no. No.
You know what, let's try it, um, let's try it over there.
- Okay. - Thanks.
- You are the slowest driver I've ever seen.
- Maybe you should say, thank you, Carol,
for getting to my sister's safely.
- Look at this guy!
Look at this guy!
Are you seriously just gonna let him cut you off?
(Dave grunting)
- (laughing) No, no.
You know what?
Let's try moving the recliner
and putting the tree in the corner.
I think that'll look great.
- Me, too. - Okay.
(Dave grunting) Careful. Got it?
- Out of my way, you putz.
(horn honking) Come on!
(Dave panting)
- Mm, no.
- I will stop this car!
I swear to everything holy,
I will stop this car and come back there
and then you'll be in a world of trouble!
(children grunting)
- Perfect.
Okay, just start the fire and we're done.
(light gentle music)
(fire crackling)
- Dad! Dad!
Dad!
- Oh no! Dave!
David! David!
- Yeah, What?
- [Sandy] You forgot to open the flue!
- What?
- [Sandy] You forgot to open the flue!
(fire crackling)
(relatives chattering indistinctly)
- Get in with me. Go ahead, girls.
Okay, go ahead, girls. Okay.
Hello, hello!
(children cheering)
- [Sandy] How was your trip?
- Oh awful, seven hours and 20 minutes.
That's the longest trip ever.
(relatives chattering)
- Are you okay? - No, we're not hungry!
- What do you mean we're not hungry?
You can't tell me when I'm not hungry.
- I'm hungry!
- I don't care, I don't want you in that kitchen.
They have enough to do in there.
- What kind of toilet paper you got?
- Glad to see you. - Hi!
- So good to see you.
- Now, this is my orange soda.
I brought one for every day.
Look, got at my name on it,
DM, Daryl McCormick.
Okay, my name's on it.
- I ain't taking off my shoes, my feet get cold.
- I brought my footed pajamas.
- I can't work with those single-ply nonsense.
- What kind of grown man wears footie pajamas?
- I like to be comfortable, okay, Matt?
- [Woman] Okay.
Hi!
- We're not handing out free presents this year.
- Oh no, I'm not- - Remember?
- Taking my shoes off, not, this isn't Communist China.
Okay, come on, men, let's storm the kitchen!
- Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Keys are in the jacket.
Go get my luggage, would you? Bad back.
- Okay.
- (sighing) Merry Christmas, Mister Madison.
- Merry Christmas, Missus Madison.
("We Wish You a Merry Christmas")
- [Matt] So how are you Mister Madison?
- Well, I'm still alive.
Oh, enough of this small talk.
Let's turn on the TV.
- Hey, Dad.
- [Daryl] Yeah.
- Isn't it true that Santa Claus is real?
- Of course he's real.
- See, told you.
- I really don't think that making a batch
or two of cookies is gonna hurt us.
- Cookies can be very harmful.
- I'll tell you what.
We'll go to the gym on December 26th and burn it off.
What do you say?
- It's not just the calories, Mom.
There's also the long term effects
of over-exposure to sugar,
which can change your insulin sensitivity
and you could get diabetes.
- I don't think we're in any real danger of that.
- Well, maybe not.
But it can also cause tooth decay, anxiety,
and a depressed feeling after you crash from a sugar high.
No, thank you.
- Kassandra, come on, he's doing it!
- Gotta go, Mom.
Brandon's gonna prove that Santa Claus is real.
- Have fun!
- Here's part one of my experiments
to prove that Santa Claus is real.
All right, I want you guys to wait out here
and witness me going into the house.
Everyone else is already inside.
(light playful music)
- [Child In Red Cap] What's that for?
- In case I get I get stuck in the chimney,
my brothers can pull me out.
- Ah, smart.
- Here we go.
- What's that for?
- Brandon tied it around his waist
so if he gets stuck we can pull him down.
- Ah, smart!
- Brandon's no dummy.
- Come on Brandon, you can do it.
- I'm stuck!
Help, help!
Help, I'm stuck, help, help!
Help! - Guys, pull!
(Brandon yelling)
- Cookies!
- Cookies are ready.
- Well, what about Brandon?
- [Child Without A Hat] If we don't get there fast,
Dad and Uncle Ben'll eat them all.
- [Daryl] Mm, cookies. We'll see about that.
- Um, where's Brandon?
- [Ben] Ooh!
- Uh, kids, have you seen your cousin Brandon?
(light gentle music)
(Brandon yelling)
(Matt yelling)
(ornaments tinkling)
- Brandon!
(sirens wailing)
(gentle upbeat music)
- Well, I hope you guys are happy.
You could've killed Brandon!
Go inside, all of you.
And no cookies!
- I see your children are misbehaving again.
- He's just a boy, Wesley.
- A halfwit boy who's gonna grow up to be a halfwit man.
A lump of coal and a good spanking,
that's what you'd get for Christmas were I were your father.
I'd be doing you a favor, too, boy.
- Basement, shower, go.
And don't touch anything on your way down.
Dave!
Have you seen Dave?
- [Man] Where? All right.
- Think he's around here somewhere.
- Oh, oh, Mister Madison, your shoes.
- Just a little coffee please.
- Dave!
Dave?
- Huh, huh?
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- I cut a hole on the floor
so I could go ice fishing.
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm taking a nap.
- Why?
- Because I'm tired, Sandy.
- What do you have to be tired about?
I spent all morning cooking.
I've been following your father
and his melting shoes around the house with a mop.
And I just helped the fire department
fish Brandon out of the chimney.
- Chimney?
- Now I need you to shovel the driveway.
- Why? - Because
there's snow on it, David.
- And?
- And everybody's parked out on the street,
and we have a perfectly big driveway.
And if you just shovel it,
then everybody can put in to the driveway.
- What do you care if people are parked
in the street or the driveway?
- Get out of that bed!
- Fine!
Fine!
(gentle light music)
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey, how much for the driveway?
- 50 bucks.
- Ah, come on that's a little...
All right.
- You want the walk done, too?
- Well, yeah, the walk, the porch, the driveway,
the whole thing.
- 60.
- Ah, come on.
- Come on, boys, lets go.
- All right, fine.
60 bucks.
- All right, get to work, come on, go. Here.
- Oh, you know what?
My neighbor's pushing 80.
So do his for me, too.
- Okay.
- I mean, hey.
It's the big guy's birthday, right?
- What is it?
- Christmas.
- Oh, Merry Christmas.
- This one and the one next door, okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, and, uh, hey, don't ring the bell when you're done.
I'll be watching and I'll come out.
- [Earl] Okay.
Hey, come on slackers, get your back into it.
Go ahead and throw a whole shovelful on your brother.
(bright lively music)
- [Carol] You need to add 3/4 cup of sugar
and a pinch of ginger.
- [Rachel] No, you only need 1/2 a cup of brown sugar
and a dash, not a pinch, a dash of cinnamon.
- Attention!
Attention!
In five minutes, we will finally be done
baking cookies for the year.
- Psst.
Psst!
- Dave, what are you doing, buddy?
- Hey!
- Shut up, shut up!
I need your room.
- My room? What for?
- Stop asking questions.
Just keep Carol busy for about an hour so I can take a nap.
- I don't no.
Sounds like we'll get in trouble.
- Yeah, What's in it for us?
- How about a free home, free food,
and use of my big screen TV?
- Nah, I already got that.
- Yeah.
- Fine, Christmas dinner, you can have the turkey legs.
It's my house, but you can have the drumsticks.
- Deal.
- Oh, we'll cover you.
- All right.
- We'll go right now.
- These hot?
- Hey, no touching.
- What are you doing?
- I'm starving.
- Daryl, get out.
- Matt, not now.
No, no!
- Matt, take it off.
- I'm hungry.
Hey wait, that's for Christmas dinner.
- I said go!
- I just never seen you in the kitchen.
- Get out of here.
- Go away.
- Just go!
- It can't be done,
you'd have to have a super human stomach.
- Of course it can.
What about that little Chinese guy
that eats all the hot dogs?
- That's true.
My dad and me saw it on TV.
He ate 68 hot dogs in only ten minutes.
- Yeah see, that's just in ten minutes.
Santa has all night to eat cookies.
- That's it, that's the last batch.
We are finally and officially done baking cookies.
- Yeah.
- Well, even if he ate one cookie at every house,
it would still be like thousands of cookies.
- Okay, I'll prove it to you.
Bring me all the cookies in the house,
and a big glass of milk.
- Ooh, it must be good.
Driveway's all shoveled.
- Thank you, dear.
Okay everybody, cars in the driveway please.
Matt, Daryl, come on move it.
Hey Ben, hear me over there.
Let's go, cars in the driveway please.
Mister Madison, would you like me to move your car for you?
- I'll drive my own darn car.
- Hey guys.
Okay, that's a $120 I owe you.
- Let's see, it's $60 for this house.
$60 for your house, that's uh,
you have a pen and a piece of paper?
- No, I don't.
But it's a 120.
- Or you could just give me $60 twice.
- I could, that's true.
But I'd rather not write two checks.
- Oh no no no checks.
- Excuse me?
- Cash only.
I don't have $120 in cash on me.
- You got $60, twice?
- Look, we're not gypsies.
Our house isn't going anywhere.
I'm not gonna write you a bad check.
- Cash only.
You gonna have to go to one of those ATMs.
- Look, my car is in the garage.
I'm backed in.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- We'll take my car.
Come on boys, let's go.
Move it.
All right kids, load it up we're going to the bank.
(doors squeaking)
(van starting)
You go to college?
- University of Michigan.
- Waste of time.
They don't teach you anything but socialism there.
I'm Earl.
- Dave.
- Hey Dave, you look like a real smart fellow.
- Well, I appreciate that.
- I might just have an opportunity
for you to make some real money.
My half brother, he's also my cousin,
he's into that multilevel marketing.
I'd like to get the two of you guys together.
In a room, together.
(polka music)
- How does this thing work?
I always go inside.
- You put in your PIN.
- PIN? I don't know my PIN.
- You just type it in.
- I don't know what it is.
- Why don't you call your wife?
- There's no way I could possibly explain this.
Look, will you just take a check?
- No, no, I can't take a check.
I'll tell you what, me and the boys here,
we need some groceries.
Why don't we hop back in the van, we'll go shopping.
You can pay for it.
- Fine.
- Okay, come on boys.
- Where are you going?
- Grocery store.
- Grocery store's over there.
- Yeah I like the 9th Bridge Market.
- Where is that?
- Across town.
Won't take more than 20-25 minutes.
- Oh, good.
- Brandon!
What happened to him?
Well, somebody knows, speak.
- Look at these hot dogs, they all beef?
- I don't know, I don't work here.
- How much longer are we going to be here?
- We're gonna be here till we're done shopping.
Now why don't you go run around get something to eat? Go.
I wonder if these are all beef.
You know, this place used to be beer and bait shop?
Now it's all fancy shnancy pantsy.
Maybe we oughta go back to the store you were talking about.
- We're not going to another market, Earl.
You wanted to come here.
We're here.
- All right, all right, all right.
You mind pushing?
What in the world is a Swedish fish?
You have big plans for Christmas day?
Earl, your kids are eating candy and drinking soda.
- Yeah, I know, I'd suppose I oughta feel guilty.
- Or may be stop them?
- [Earl] But it's Christmas!
They wanna get all hopped up on sugar one time a year,
it's okay by me, you want them to bring you a chocolate?
- No, thank you.
- Soda?
- Am all set, Earl!
I think we're at the 120.
None for me either,
I'm on the Atkins diet now.
All protein, baby.
- 137 dollars and 28 cents.
- You got $17.
- Let's just call it gas money.
- Gas money?
- What, I drove.
Hey, do you know if those hot dogs are all beef?
- Don't answer that question,
just put it in the bag, we'll take 'em.
Thank you.
There you go.
Here you go 137 and 28 cents.
(siren blaring)
- [Sandy] Where have you been?
- I was just-
- Brandon ate all the cookies.
Six batches, every single one of them.
- Six batches?
- Yeah, they just took him to the hospital.
Carol went with him.
You know I was yelling for you,
Dave? Dave?
But of course,
you were nowhere to be found.
- Well, I was just-
- Well, you were what?
- I was just shoveling Mister Nicolas' driveway.
You know, he's almost 80.
It's the holidays.
- Oh, honey.
- So I figured why not help him?
- Sweetie, that is so nice of you.
Oh honey, I'm sorry, sorry.
I'm gonna have to make some more cookies, now.
Oh, you know what?
Here's the list of ingredients.
I'm gonna need you to go to the 9th Bridge Market for me.
Thanks.
- Ah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, you got me.
Boy, your quiet.
Don't let Missus Claus find out about this.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, yes.
Between them, the Rockford Fire Department
having to rescue Brandon from the chimney,
and Dave being dragged all over town by Earl?
Well, the Madison family's had quite a day.
Let's see what kind of mischief
they get into on the 23rd, shall we?
- I will now prove to you that it is possible,
given enough speed and reindeer power, to make a sled fly.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Dave, are you watching the kids?
- Dave's fixing the toilet.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Hike, come on hike,
go, go, go.
(tense orchestral music)
(yelling)
(children chattering)
(siren blaring)
- Oh my gosh, Brandon.
Thank you.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Dave.
- Why are you in my kitchen?
- Your kitchen?
This is my house.
- What do you want, Dave?
No, that food is for dinner.
- Dave, we're busy.
- Which of this food is for lunch?
(talking over each other)
What is this, Yom Kippur,
am I supposed to fast until sundown?
- Get out of the kitchen.
You are making a mess.
- Go!
- It's supposed to be for everyone, Dave.
- Dad, I'm going out for some lunch, You wanna come?
- No, the girls fixed me a little soup.
- What?
You made dad soup?
- [Woman] Stay out of the kitchen, Dave.
- Fine!
(lighthearted music)
- Hey, Uncle Dave, get him!
- [Child] Give me some.
- You better run.
- Grandpa Madison?
- Oh, hi Kassandra.
Grandpa Madison, do you believe in Santa?
- Of course I do.
- What about for bad children?
- Let me tell you a little secret, Kassandra.
There are no bad children.
- What if I mailed this letter to Santa today?
Do you think he'd get it on time?
- No, I don't think he would.
- Oh, okay, thanks Grandpa.
- However, if you gave me the letter,
I might be able to give it to him personally.
You see, when you live as long as I have,
you know am awful lot of important people.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- All right.
All right, you two, up, out of here,
get your cars, you got me parked in.
- Where you going Mister Madison?
- To a place where people mind their own darn business.
- I think we're okay here, dad.
I mean we got the TV on, we got snacks,
and we're wearing slippers.
- All right, long hair fat boy, out of here.
- Mister Madison, hey my car is at the end of the driveway.
Why don't you borrow mine?
- I'm not driving any little foreign pansy car.
I drive a Cadillac like a real man.
All right, this conversation is over, out of here.
- Yeah.
- Nope.
"Dear Santa,
all I want for Christmas and my birthday this year is a dog.
Well, I would also like peace on earth
and good health to all my family,
including Grandpa Madison, who is old,
and my Grandma, who I loved, died.
But I also really want a dog.
I don't even care what kind.
I would be nice to it,
and take it on lots of walks.
I promise.
I don't even need any other toys or anything.
Love, Kassandra.
PS, I have been very, very good this year."
Okay, okay Kassandra.
(Asian music)
(crowd talking)
- Geez, it's like the OK Corral in here.
- Yup, been in line 45 minutes.
What you're gonna do?
It's Christmas, it's the only place open.
(sneezing)
(light music)
- How many your party?
- One.
- No, one, sorry.
You come back new year.
- Excuse me?
- It's too busy,
three or four people table.
- Well, there's a little piece of information
I could have used about an hour ago.
- Next please.
- No, next please.
I want a table.
- We'll sit with you.
- Yeah, me and Fred here.
Fred's my man.
We'll all sit together, it'll be fun.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, little nip?
- No, I don't.
Thank you though.
- Fred and I just met on Tuesday.
- [Dave] Okay.
- Yeah, we're living together.
- All right.
- So what do you think about that?
- Well, it's truly none of my,
look, you two are adults, you do what you like.
- Come on.
Stop being so shy.
He's so shy.
- Well, okay.
You say that you're living together.
What do you mean?
You're living together in the same house?
Or do you mean, you're living together in the same room?
Bed, et cetera.
- Hey now, you know what?
Shame on you.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, it's not something
you ask a lady at the dinner table.
- Well, may we should not talk about any of this.
- You know what, maybe we should.
Why don't you guys discuss it all evening.
So I can finish my plate of food.
You know what, my night's ruined.
Thanks.
- You know,
just between you and me,
I'm really glad you're here to see that.
'Cause I think he's way more into me than I'm into him.
He's just threatened by you.
- Guys.
I feel like, I owe you guys an apology.
I've had a lot on my mind.
- No, Fred, don't.
- No, it's okay, honey.
We're family, and I want you to know this.
Look man, my buddy in the war, he,
he got bird flu.
It's messing me up man.
It's messing me up.
- Oh, separate checks please.
- No separate check.
- Hey, I'm gonna pay for her.
- Fine, whatever.
- You know what hon, it's on us.
It was our pleasure.
- You're so sweet.
Isn't he just the sweetest?
- Okay then, my lunch was 5.99.
Here's 20, just give me 10 back and I'll be on my way.
Don't worry about it man, like I said,
I got her covered.
- Yeah, however, the two of you divided
is between the two of you.
Just give me 10 back.
- Ah, let's see.
You know what, here.
There you go.
- What is this?
This is like two,
three dollars.
- Don't worry about it.
I don't need any change.
- It's not enough Fred.
- Hey, what are you doing?
No, I ate, put your purse away.
Woman you're embarrassing me.
I told you, we got this.
(bell ringing)
- Hi, Santa.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you.
Ho ho ho, Mister Madison, Merry Christmas sir.
- I know you?
- I know you.
I've known you since you were a little boy.
- You don't know jack.
- I see you while you're sleeping.
- What are you after, a fat lip?
- Aisle seven.
- What's that?
- What you're looking for, from the letter.
Don't get one of those small ones.
The ankle biters, she doesn't want that.
- How do you know what?
- Aisle seven, huh?
- [Santa] Aisle seven.
- Yeah, okay, merry.
- Merry Christmas to you, sir.
- Yeah, sure.
(knocking on door)
- Kassandra, get dressed please.
- I am dressed.
I'm not naked mom.
- Stop reading, and put on the dress and tights
I laid out for you.
- What for?
- Your father's office holiday party.
- No, no, no mom, no!
- Kassandra, don't start.
- But I was gonna go to the dog park today.
- Well, you can go to the dog park another time.
I need you
to get ready. - I hate dad's office parties.
- It's not that bad.
- Yeah, but that weird old guy
always talks to me about stock profiles.
- Mister Drummers talks to everybody about his stock.
You know, you wouldn't be such an easy target
if you would just get up out of that chair.
Why don't you ever play with the other kids?
- Because Kyle is just gonna spill food on me again.
I just know it.
- Honey, it's not that likely
it's gonna happen two years in a row.
- Promise me dad won't sing again.
♪ On the sixth day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- Kim.
- I don't know.
- Come on, just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
- Two martinis.
♪ Six cherry martinis ♪
♪ Five migrant workers ♪
♪ That are ready to replace all us lazy bums ♪
- Thanks boss.
- I can only dream.
♪ Four exotic dancers ♪
- [All] Woo.
♪ Three jumbo loans that are almost ready to close ♪
(all booing)
- How does he come up with those on the spot?
♪ Two French kisses ♪
- [All] Woo.
♪ One more French kiss ♪
- Get back over here!
- [All] Woo.
♪ Two French kisses that had to be from my wife ♪
Everyone.
♪ And the female undergarment in a pear tree ♪
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
(group cheering)
("Deck the Halls")
- You try to short it but the market goes up.
You can't win.
Some people say buy the blue chips.
But who knows?
I prefer the tech stocks, NASDAQ.
Long term options, that's the way to go.
Make money if you're buying,
you make money if you're selling.
Most people don't understand the stock market like I do.
But have I always been a winner?
No, of course not.
Sometimes you take a hit.
(festive music)
♪ Ten bottles of Jack ♪
♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids milking my big- ♪
- [Sandy] David!
- [Dave] What? Henry's the one who said it.
- [Sandy] Well, you don't need to keep repeating it!
♪ Seven ♪
- [Sandy] I think that's enough with the singing, Dave.
(Dave sighing)
- That is great.
My lower back is killing me.
Ooh.
Doing one house was okay.
But doing Mister Nicolas's too.
That really put my back out.
- Well, it was such a nice thing to do.
Now you just lay still,
and let me take care of you.
- Hey. - What?
- Maybe later, we could?
- Mmm, maybe we could.
(knocking on door)
Who?
It's almost 10 o'clock.
(knocking on door)
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Hurry up.
- Okay, I will.
- Hello.
- Well, hi.
Dave left his gloves in my car yesterday.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
- No, no, no, Dave hired me to shovel out your driveway
and your neighbor's driveway yesterday.
- Oh, really?
David!
- Hi, David.
Hey buddy, yeah you left your gloves in my car yesterday.
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Earl.
- Couch!
- The couch is gonna hurt my back.
- Good.
(soft orchestral music)
- It's the morning of the 24th of December.
It's a big day.
So just sit back, enjoy the story.
I got a few more hours of bell ringing
then I got a lot of work to do.
Ho ho ho!
- Dave?
Dave.
- Huh?
- Dave, I need you.
- What?
- Dave.
- Oh, you are not normally a morning type of girl.
But that's okay.
Let's roll with this, I'm game.
- No, not that, no, Dave.
Kassandra and I have some last minute shopping to do.
We need you to drive, so you can drop us off at the door,
while you circle around forever for parking spot.
We're gonna need your help carrying things too.
So come on, let's go, out of bed.
(bell ringing)
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you too.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
I'm just waiting for the wife and kid.
- I know how that goes. (laughing)
My wife, she volunteered me for this.
- Oh yeah?
- Missus Claus.
Big into charities.
- I tell you, I know how that goes.
How's business?
- Mostly pretty good.
And it's fun.
You get the bell, you get the hat.
The whole nine yards.
- And the kids like you.
That's a plus.
- Your kid doesn't like you?
- She loves me.
But right now she doesn't like me.
She wants a dog.
- Aah.
You and her mother don't?
- So I have to be the one to say no.
You know how that goes?
- Yes, I do.
- I used to be so fun loving.
I don't feel old.
When did I become the guy that has to say no?
- Well. (laughing)
When you were a boy,
you wanted toys.
But that came with a little responsibility.
You know, pick up after yourself, that sort of thing.
As you got older,
you wanted a child.
Bigger reward, but a lot more responsibility.
- Sounds like you speak from experience.
You have kids?
- Yeah, you could say that. (laughing)
This time of the year pal,
boy my responsibilities, I tell you.
- Yeah, the holidays can be rough.
- [Santa] Yes, they can.
- I'm Dave.
- Kris.
- That's your real name?
- As long as I can remember.
- Don't tell me your last name is Kringle.
- Okay, I won't.
- It's cold.
- Well, I'm a fat guy.
- That's gotta help.
Hey, you want me to get you a coffee or something?
I'm not going anywhere.
- Oh, no no, thank you though.
- Well, if you need anything just let me know.
- Thank you, I appreciate that.
Actually, I could use a bathroom.
(bell ringing)
- Ho Ho Ho!
Merry Christmas!
- Is that your father?
- [Dave] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!
- Dave?
- Ho ho ho!
- What are you doing?
- Santa had to go to the bathroom.
- Dad, you're weird.
- Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
- Dave!
Dave!
It's me, Susanna.
From the Japan restaurant.
- Oh, hi.
- And you'll never guess who's here.
Fred!
Fred, get your behind out of the car man, it's Dave.
He's been talking and talking and talking about you.
I'm so glad he made a real friend.
Those other guys used to hang out with were losers.
- Yo, bro, been trying to call you man.
- I don't remember giving you my number.
- You didn't, and honestly
that's made it a little difficult.
You know how many Daves are there in the phone book?
I dialed like a hundred of them but then I passed out.
- He did, he was just trying to call you like a 100 times.
- Can I please?
I literally just said that.
- Okay all right.
I'm gonna let you boys catch up,
I'm heading inside.
- She's great isn't she?
I mean, she's always going on and on,
but how are you man?
Hey, I've got some friends, we got a bowling league.
There's a waiting list,
but I talked to them and got you in.
I mean you weren't on it right away,
I had to talk to them, but you're on it.
- Great, great, thanks.
- It is great.
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
- Tomorrow is a Christmas day, Fred.
I may be busy.
- You wanna go hunting?
I got a bunch of guns in the truck right now.
You wanna see 'em?
- No, not now.
- I'm serious.
There's like a petting zoo, just south of Grand Rapids.
Nobody's there right now.
We could bag 'em and tag 'em.
- Well, that sounds great Fred.
But tomorrow is Christmas day and I think I have plans.
I'll check with the wife.
Thank you, Merry Christmas. (bell ringing)
- People just come up and give you money?
- Yeah.
- Industry.
Hey, I don't mean to be too forward,
but I'm a little light on cash for the holidays and all.
Think you could help out?
(light orchestral music)
- Warm in here, isn't it?
(classical piano music)
I want fresh air.
(classical violin music)
(exhaling)
What the (indistinct) is this?
Hey!
You bunch of little delinquents!
(bright orchestral music)
- Go have fun.
Hey you kids, do whatever you wanna do.
Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, you too.
Merry Christmas.
- It's so cold.
- Cold it is.
- So, which one's yours?
- You see the little white one over there.
It's my girlfriend's and mine.
Yeah, she wanted a small dog.
I wanted a big dog.
So we compromised and got a small dog.
- Compromise, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, when you get married,
there's gonna be a lot more compromises to come.
- So anyway, which dog is yours?
- I don't have a dog.
But it's all I want though.
I don't care about any other gifts.
I either want it for my birthday or Christmas.
- You know, a dog can be a lot of work.
- You're a lot of work.
- That's what my mom says.
But I'll do it all by myself.
I'd walk it, I'd feed it, I'd let it out,
I'd take it to the dog park.
And I'll hold it's paw like that at the vet.
- I hope you get your wish this year.
- Me too.
- All right guys, I am freezing.
I'm out of here.
Lovie, come here.
Lovie.
My girl friend named her, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Come here, come here girl.
Can I ask you a favor?
If you get near her.
She knows her name.
If you just call it.
- Who me?
- I can't go with the crutches.
All you gotta do is just get near her,
just call her name, and she'll come right to you.
- Okay, well.
- I'm sorry, but-
- All right, I'll give it a shot.
- Thanks, I appreciate it.
Thanks, just need to get near her and say her name, Lovie.
- Come on dog.
- Don't chase after her.
If you chase her, she's gonna run.
- That's a boy.
- He's back up.
(comedic orchestral music)
Come here.
- Bloody dog, come on!
- Come.
See, you're a real-sized dog.
No, lady, lady don't.
Lady if you throw the ball, she's gonna chase the ball.
- Uncle Ben, watch out!
- Aah.
(uptempo orchestral music)
- 20 bucks says Uncle Ben falls first.
- Uncle Daryl is going down.
Dave, I just want to thank you
for inviting me and my family to join you for Christmas.
- I wouldn't have it any other way Matt.
- Me too, Dave.
From me and the whole McCormick family,
Merry Christmas.
- Here's to my son,
man of the house.
Takes a lot of work to have everybody in.
He never complained.
I'm proud of you, son.
- Thank you.
Everyone, thank you.
Let's eat, dig in.
- Boy oh boy oh boy, that hit the spot.
- Anybody gave me a belt for Christmas?
Who's ready for presents?
- Ah, come on Dave, really?
I think we need a little nap before we can do that.
Come on, let's go.
- Santa can't deliver all those presents in one night.
Do you know, how many houses there are all over the world?
- Okay, if I can deliver presents
to every house in this block in 60 seconds or less,
that'll prove that it's possible.
- I don't think that it does.
- Sure it does.
- Three, two, one. Go!
(kids cheering)
Go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- That's it.
That is it.
I've had enough.
(high-tension orchestral music)
- Probably Daryl, he always takes a (indistinct).
(muffled speaking)
- Yeah, still putting their names on things.
- We're having some drink.
- Oh, wow.
- Aah, that hit the spot.
Let's open presents.
- Honey?
You ready to open presents?
- [Woman] Almost.
- Quit stalling there, let's go.
Kids! Presents!
- [Woman] Yeah, I have a sponge.
- I just took it.
You know I'm not gonna use.
(crowd murmuring)
- [Mister Nicholas] David!
David Madison, get out here.
- I'll be right back.
Wesley?
Merry Christmas.
- Put up your dukes, you Yankee coward.
Aah!
- You think you Brits would learn not to mess with America.
Geez.
(door closing)
(crowd murmuring)
- Oh, thanks dear.
Oh, look.
Oven mitts.
- I didn't know what to get her.
- Thanks dear.
- Ben,
what is that?
- It's cabernet, fantastic wine.
You guys want me to get you some?
- Ooh, no thank you,
I just don't allow beverages in the living room.
- I won't spill, so.
- Oh well, it's just the rule.
Just sort of a house rule.
- I assure you, I am very good
with beverage management, Sandy.
(gasping)
- Oh, did you sew this yourself?
- I did.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- I picked out the fabric.
- Thank you.
So pretty.
- Don't ever do that again.
(bright instrumental music)
("Deck the Halls")
- It's for you Aunt Carol.
- Thank you, honey.
It's-
- Because it's Christmas and your birthday.
- Yeah.
- And you're 50.
- Yeah.
- It's a sign for the yard.
I'm gonna go put it out.
- It's okay sweetie, we can do it later.
(sighing)
- And you're 50.
(laughing)
- Cut it out, dad.
- Honestly?
Is this really necessary?
I know it's my birthday.
- And you're 50.
- [Carol] I've heard.
- Okay, I'm opening.
Whose it from anyway?
- Me, Uncle Matt.
- Oh, thanks sweetie.
And it's a tie.
Thank you.
- Let's see it.
- Yeah, no, that's all right.
- Let's see.
- Do you like it, dad?
- Try it on.
- What?
- Go on.
Well, I'm already wearing-
- Try it on, Matt.
- All right.
All right, birthday girl.
(uptempo holiday music)
- Let's give him a suplex.
Go, go, go.
- And that Ben,
is why we have a no beverages in the living room policy.
- I'm just standing here.
- And now there's wine on my carpet.
- Maybe you should have a no full contact wrestling
in the living room policy, Sandy.
- Looks like you got little wine on you there partner.
- Yeah, little wine.
- That's why it's good to have two ties.
That's gonna stain.
- All right kids, that's it.
Let's round up.
Everybody to bed.
Let's go, yeah, yeah!
Yeah yeah!
Okay, let's get the drinks.
- Yes, all right.
- Let's go, cowpoke.
(laughing)
- "Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their wee little beds,
while visions of sugar plums
danced in their wee little heads.
Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters,
threw open the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave a luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that it must be Saint Nick,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
- You skipped some, Grandpa.
- Well, you got the gist of it.
Well, Grandpa loves you all.
Good night.
- Hey, we're going to bed.
- Good night.
- I'm going out for little walk.
(footsteps on the roof)
- Wake up, wake up!
- What?
- He's here, he's really here.
- I knew it, I knew Santa Claus is real.
- It's true, and tomorrow
I'm gonna get a puppy for Christmas.
- On Dancer, on Prancer,
dash away Richard Nixon,
NFL blitzin' and however the heck it goes.
All led by a drunk reindeer with a big red nose.
- You're taking up all the space.
I need a spot for my kid too, you know.
- What about in there?
- Yeah.
- What? Under the kitchen table?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- You trying to invent a new holiday, Matt?
Santa is not bringing presents to Kassandra,
under the table.
- But, we're all set up and we were here first.
- You're like Columbus talking to the Indians.
This is my home.
Now, I'm gonna go out to the trunk,
I'm gonna get Santa's presents,
And when I come back,
there's gonna be a nice big space under that tree.
Okay?
(playful music)
- A drunken reindeer with a big red nose.
- Pretty nice table.
- Yeah.
- Told Carol I'd be right up.
- We could just play one quick game.
- All right. - But I'm first.
(uptempo comedic music)
(yelling)
- Another Christmas down,
another family Christmas through the hole.
(yelling)
- She is my sister.
- What?
- She's also cold.
(yelling)
(laughing)
- Be there.
- No. No.
- Bring it up, just bring it at me one more time.
(grunting)
(confused crosstalk)
- Come on, put it in there bro.
- One more.
One more, I know, one more.
(cheering)
Okay, one more, Ben.
Double digit.
(mumbling)
- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
There it is Ben.
(cheering)
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh what fun ♪
♪ It is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse pen sleigh, hey! ♪
- Yay!
- It is fun.
- Well, you have too many bells.
♪ Bells on bob tail ring ♪
♪ Making spirits bright ♪
♪ What fun it is to laugh and sing ♪
♪ A sleighing song tonight, aah ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
- Shh.
- Oh, we don't want to wake 'em up,
they're gonna come down.
- Besides, Santa's coming.
- That's right.
(light music)
You know,
I spend a lot time asking people
what they would like for Christmas.
May be I could tell you what I would like.
Spend a little less on presents,
and give a little more to charity.
Be kind to one another because really,
that is what Christmas is all about.
Now, here it is folks.
The main event,
live from Rockford, Michigan.
It's Christmas morning.
Ho ho ho!
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Guys, wake up, wake up.
Presents! It's time for presents!
(festive music)
- They're up.
Come on, cowpoke, lets go.
- Couple more hours.
- You are not missing Christmas morning.
- There's a camcorder in the closet.
Videotape it.
- David,
up!
(kids chattering)
- Coffee.
Coffee.
- Matt, can you make a fire, please?
Matt?
- Jeez, what?
- Make a fire please.
- Okay.
- Now, Matt?
- Okay.
(kids chattering)
All right, move over.
You too, get something to eat.
We'll have a fire mind you.
It's 78 degrees in here.
(Grandpa yelling)
- Mister Madison?
- Dad?
- I'm stuck in the chimney.
- Sandy! (screaming)
Call 911!
- [Grandpa] Freezing my rear end off.
- Mister Madison, what are you doing up there?
- Get me the hell out of here,
then we can play twenty questions with my idiot son-in-law.
(siren winding down)
- [Santa] That Grandpa is quite the character, isn't he?
Ho ho ho, as long as I can remember,
he's been one of my favorites.
Oh, he's gone a little gruff in his old age.
But he loves his family.
That's what's important.
- Just all kinds of stuff.
Just clutter.
The gifts are too big,
and nobody really needs them.
- What can I say?
I like the gifts though.
- Matt? - Huh?
Yeah, sure, hon.
- Now look, I've put everybody's name in the hat.
We'll each draw out a name,
and that's the person you're buying a gift for next year.
- I's Christmas day, Carol.
Do we really need to worry about it now?
- Yes, when else will all be together?
If we don't talk about it now,
it will never get done.
Daryl, you get to go first.
- I got my name, Daryl McCormick.
- There you go, you can buy yourself some orange soda,
and put your name on it.
- Or oven mitts.
- You feeling better, Grandpa?
- Ah, me? Sure, sure.
Takes a lot more than that
to knock your old Grandpa off his game.
How'd you do this year?
You make out?
- Okay, I guess.
- Okay, you guess?
- I don't wanna complain.
- You mean you didn't get everything you wanted?
Well, maybe next year.
- No.
- No!
- I was really good this year.
Really, I was.
And that's all I wanted.
And if Santa Claus didn't bring me a dog this year,
why would he next year?
- Well, maybe your parents for your birthday.
- They never will.
I just thought, if I was good enough
and if I wanted it bad.
- Well, I'm sorry.
You know, I did as best I could.
- I still love you, Grandpa.
(Grandpa chuckling)
- What was that?
- What?
- That noise.
- I don't hear anything.
- From the basement that
whining, barking sound.
(building orchestral music)
(bright orchestral music)
- [Kassandra] A puppy! I got a puppy!
I don't believe this.
- Dad, what's going on?
- [Kassandra] I don't believe this.
- [Grandpa] What's the big deal?
- You can't just buy her a dog without our permission.
- Unbelievable.
- [Grandpa] You had a dog when you were a kid.
Every kid should have a dog.
- Do you even know what kind it is?
It's a, it's a, well it's,
I don't know.
I told the guy to get a big dog,
you don't want those little rat dogs.
- This is a major family decision, Dad.
A dog is a lot of work.
- Nonsense, you always over-dramatize everything.
(dog yelping)
- [Carol] No, don't let him up
- [Kid] That knee, it's bad.
- [David] Get off there!
(dog yelping)
Down, come here.
(talking over each other)
Get off there!
- [Sandy] David, do something!
- [David] I got him, I got him.
- [Sandy] Oh, my china. (sighing)
- So, there you have it.
The Madisons got a dog for Christmas.
Dave and Sandy may not have wanted him at first,
but, throughout the years,
that dog brought a lot of love
into the Madison home.
Dave swore that he would never
have any of his or Sandy's family over ever again.
Well, you know Dave,
next year he was excited as ever.
It wasn't always easy.
One year, Dave got kicked
while trying to set up
a live reindeer display in the front yard.
Then there was the time he nearly froze to death,
while trying to prove to Sandy
that the ice was thick enough for skating.
(chuckling)
Well, over time,
we gained a few new Madisons and well,
we lost an older one.
But the family and their loving dog always stayed together.
From all of us here at Rockford, Michigan,
Merry Christmas,
and to all a good night.
(festive orchestral music)