♪♪
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♪♪
Quinn: I love stand-up and I love stand-ups.
And this COVID shut us down good.
You thought you got rid of us, didn't you?
Well, surprise!
I went to HBO Max
'cause I wanted to do a thing about comedians
based around a live show and all the preshow stuff,
because people never get to see the inside world
of the process of comedians,
unless they've listened to any podcasts in the last 10 years.
My dad and his friends probably threw bodies off these rocks.
Hold on. There's waves crashing.
It's throwing me off.
Quinn: My friend Rich Vos is my choice to host.
It was a no-brainer.
And so is he, coincidentally.
Before you go on, you feel like shit.
Afterwards, you're high for like a half hour.
I'm gonna get the first parking lot standing 0.
What are you gonna do, tell 'em you had a stroke?
They gonna get out the car and stand.
And I know there's bigger problems
than a bunch of comedians can't perform,
but so what?
You aren't an essential worker, either,
- so shut it. - No more shows.
- You're like, "Fuck!" - Yeah.
Same with me. Same with you and same with you.
Quinn: And we need to talk to strangers
just like you need to breathe.
Even this voiceover I'm doing right now is giving me pleasure.
It's a sickness, I know, but that's the way it is.
Hey, am I going long? That's the other comedian move.
You're so used to working, like,
if I take a week off, I get rusty.
I don't know why I said yes to this,
'cause I've been doing good in life.
Since March, it's like I don't even know
what I can say at all anymore.
Quinn: Tonight, we're gonna have nine comedians
and one host performing for 40 cars.
Now, the host...
[ Laughter ]
Is it gonna be safe? Yes.
Can I ask one serious question?
I know you're a doctor, corona's very serious.
Out of all of us right now,
who would you most hope gets it?
Is it gonna be good?
Depends on your definition of good.
Is the name of the special "Colin Quinn: Abusive Friend"?
Did you pitch a prank show to HBO Max, or...?
[ Laughter ]
[ Tapping on mic ]
[ Feedback ]
So you want some highs and some lows.
Can you see them well enough to make eye contact
with them and stuff?
Oh, okay, so they'll be, like, smiling and...
Hello.
I want to get iced coffee.
I'd take a coffee. No iced coffee?
What? Come on. The fuck is this?
I'm directing. I don't have time for that.
Say "directing" one more time.
- [ Laughs ] - Say it one more time.
You don't mind my directing debut?
Well, you keep saying "directing."
You do say it like you're trying to convince yourself.
[ Laughter ]
"I am a director, I am!"
When you see this special, you're gonna say, "Oh, my God."
Soder: Earlier today, he was doing the turnaround in the mirror.
He goes, "Hi. Director. Colin... Fuck!"
Quinn: Let me ask you guys this...
When's the last time everybody was onstage
on a regular basis?
Since March.
- March. - March.
Feinstein: We've been going up sporadically.
But, you know, we've been performing on patios.
Quinn: You've never done a show with all these cars, right?
- Right. - Not really. No.
I'm just wondering how it's gonna work.
Oh, yeah, Vos, we got to talk about the instructions.
So, when you come out,
the guy's gonna change the microphone.
He might be changing it
while you're onstage between the acts.
Vos: What the fuck are you talking about?
The guy's gonna be onstage with the...
Not as I'm... As I'm talking?!
Safety first, they say, with this COVID.
Thank you for cleaning this off.
Listen, you're a big name.
And after this, believe me,
you're gonna be able to do rooftops,
you're gonna be able to do fucking driveways.
Do you know how many... Parking garages.
It's not gonna end for you.
We got a big tree house show coming up.
Yes.
Quinn: You guys been to a drive-in before?
I haven't. I have, years and years and years ago,
but definitely not a comedy show.
Let me ask you guys this... Who do you think...
'Cause somebody's gonna bomb tonight.
Could be a lot of us, with these cars.
- Let's bet 20 apiece. - Yeah.
Alright. Who's gonna bomb?
- Rich Vos. Out of the gate. - Oh, Vos?
Vos off the jump's a good bet. Yeah.
Quinn: Now, most of the money
was on Rich Vos bombing, I'm sorry to say.
- Why me?! - I only bet on you bombing
'cause you hosting, so you first.
What?! I...
- I bet on him... - 'Cause he stinks.
I'll ruin the show! [ Laughter ]
Vos is gonna bomb!
Together: Vos is gonna bomb! Vos is gonna bomb!
♪♪
Man: Please welcome our host for the evening.
We're lucky to have him...
Rich Vos! [ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to Colin Quinn's last hurrah.
It's good to be here. Look at all these nice cars.
Where you cars from, Detroit?
[ Scattered laughter ]
Detroit? [ Applause ]
Oh, listen, listen, listen.
Oh, he's used to this scatter of applause.
Vos: Uh, here's the thing.
You ever love something so much in life,
something that you think about all day,
something you obsess about, you dream about,
you talk about it with friends?
It pretty much defines who you are.
And it could be anything... Something so dear
and close to your heart.
And then you come to the realization, I'm too old,
I can't physically or mentally do this anymore.
That's the feeling I got
as I was walking up here tonight.
His voice annoys me so much.
[ Laughter ]
I do realize you couldn't have asked me
without asking him, so...
I know that I come with a lot of baggage.
This is how old I am.
Hold on. There's waves crashing.
It's throwing me off.
This is how old I am.
Kelly: He just said...
He just went, "Hold on. Those waves crashing."
There's real waves. [ Both laughing ]
We got waves fucking up our timing.
Can you turn your car down, please?
It's throwing everybody off. [ Laughter ]
Any married folks here?
[ Scattered applause ] Good.
Oh, thank you for clapping out the window.
And listen, if anybody gets out of hand,
we do have a security team here.
Well, we have tow trucks.
[ Laughing ]
This is the best I've ever done in front of cars.
And that's all I do, our car shows.
Next week, I'm doing, uh, my cousin's driveway.
Anyhow, I'll be your host.
Are you guys ready to get started?
[ Cheers and applause ] Alright.
It's my pleasure to bring up our next act.
Man is all over TV, YouTube.
You're gonna love him.
A big hand for Chris Distefano.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Laughing ] Give it up for Rich Vos, everybody.
He almost fell down the stairs.
COVID toes. What can you do?
Listen, it's what it is right now, right?
Look, the waves. It's what it is.
I mean, for the cars. I've been onstage
three times in six months because of this, God damn it.
I mean, the Chinese are gonna pay.
They're gonna pay big for this.
Okay, some people are upset. I'm kidding.
Just, I'm fucking kidding. That's the thing now.
Now, since March,
it's like I don't even know what I can say at all anymore.
You're just gonna get destroyed no matter what.
I don't know why comedy's even gonna exist.
But it has highlighted, though...
What I do like about this pandemic... it's highlighted
that we really didn't have any real problems in 2019.
We were making shit up.
Because now things have actually hit the fan
and now people are dying and the streets are on fire.
And now, you know, fucking what straw you use
isn't such a big deal anymore, is it?
That was all the... that was the big thing last year.
This straw is plastic or paper!
Shut the fuck up. We got real issues now.
[ Laughter ]
But now, every time I walk outside, if there's more than five people,
I just think I'm in a protest. I don't know.
I'm just, I'm like, "Whatever we're marching for,
I just don't want to get beat up.
Please just don't put this on the news.
I'm going to get oat milk 'cause my kid's lactose intolerant."
So, just do it. [ Woman laughing ]
One lady laughing.
What can you do? Some people are asleep.
I mean, you know.
This car has a car seat, you piece of shit.
Where's your kid?
Fucking scumbags.
If I'm young, spry, and athletic and I got my hand in my pocket,
that's a bad sign. Nobody's performed
for a long time, and everybody's nervous
because we're rusty.
Nervous, but never scared.
Jay: Okay, I want to place a new bet.
We are all bombing. [ Laughter ]
Quinn: You have to have that part of you
that when the audience doesn't like you,
you can't take it personally,
even though it's the most personal thing in the world.
When I do bad, I walk offstage
with the same energy as a baseball player
when he strikes out... like you can't believe it happened
and you want to throw the bat.
We can't tell how we're doing.
Nobody can really tell with the cars.
- I'm hearing laughs. - I'm hearing laughs, too.
Not when Vos was on, but...
No, but, well, you know, you didn't expect that anyway.
[ Laughs ]
My father's from Brooklyn, right over here.
I love how this is, like, where there's, like,
a fucking trendy comedy show now.
My dad and his friends
probably threw bodies off these rocks.
And now you're like, "Yeah, this is a COVID-free zone.
We're taking temperatures. We're fucking woke."
It's like there's... I guarantee you,
there's bones of fucking rats right in that water.
My dad's got antibodies, he told me.
Not himself... he said he's selling them for $750.
He's got a sheet. I swear to God.
He's like, "Yeah, Chris, I got the antibodies.
You need it for this little HBO thing you're doing?"
"If you need antibodies, call me."
Bobby Bodies. [ Woman laughing ]
$750. You're fucking nice.
You're trying to laugh, but you don't want to cough.
That's what it is. 'Cause if you cough,
you know a frickin' sniper will come and shoot you in the head.
You can't cough.
You can't be sick.
And you can't say... I mean, forget it.
I'm telling you, I don't know why...
I don't know why anybody would want to do comedy anymore.
It just feels like now that's over.
[ Laughter ]
Really? What can you do?
I hear one lady laughing. Good for me.
Alright. Have a nice night.
Thank you very much. Enjoy yourselves.
Give up for Rich Vos, everybody, huh?
Rich Vos. [ Cheers and applause ]
Chris Distefano!
[ Applause ]
Flash your lights. Come alive. Come on.
There you go. That's what we want to see.
[ Horns honking ] Get these fucking lights flashing.
What the fuck? You know you're in trouble
when Vos is giving a pep talk to the crowd.
- So, Chris... - Ugh. Oh, brutal. Bomb.
Quinn: We're doing a big thing at the end, everybody.
Yeah, I fucking ate it.
Kelly: Well, we know. We were watching.
Vos: Flashing lights. Let's wake up.
Let's get this fucking thing moving.
This is Colin Quinn. This is a parking lot.
[ Laughs ]
This is exactly where I thought it would end.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you! Thanks for coming out.
This is, um...
This is interesting.
That's all I'm gonna say. [ Laughter ]
I'm a mask wearer. I'm one of those people.
I yell at people for not wearing masks, okay?
I am that person.
And I had a guy get upset with me.
Well, he was like, "I can't hear you.
You need to take off your mask."
You know, it was really annoying.
It wasn't that he couldn't hear me through the mask.
It was because he doesn't hear women.
[ Laughing ]
Thank you, two ladies.
And I heard a... Thank you. One.
[ Woman cheers ] Thank you. Okay, alright.
Good enough!
Good enough for that new joke, huh?
But yeah, mask wearing is important.
Like, I thought we were all on the same page.
I live in Harlem and I walked outside my door
and it was a, you know, a sister.
Well, she was from England or... or New Zealand.
One of those. One of those places.
And I was like, "Oh, excuse me, you're not wearing a mask."
Excuse me." And she was like,
"You do what you need to do for yourself."
I mean, I know that's not the accent,
but she was a bitch, so who cares?
Right? Who cares, really? So I just...
And I am a bit of a Karen, by the way.
I know you didn't know this, but Karen has no color.
White women don't own complaining.
Okay? I complain a lot.
[ Laughter ]
So, um, I'm trying to remember my act, too.
Colin wanted us to do new jokes, which is really
kind of an asshole thing to do
at this time, during...
Thank you for that flash.
...during a pandemic, you know.
'Cause I've been smoking so much pot, like,
it's Vietnam, you know what I'm saying?
So I can't remember my shit. [ Laughter ]
But I believe in wearing a mask also
because I have a preexisting condition, okay?
And by the way, I look at some people who don't think
they have a pre... I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you have a preexisting condition, okay?
You may not know it, but you do."
So, last year, I was actually diagnosed
with breast cancer, but I'm surviving.
You can flash your lights for that, okay. [ Cheers, horns honking ]
I'm surviving. Yes, I am.
She just did five minutes. Oh, boy.
People are fucking jumping off this stage.
- Whoo! - People are running offstage.
Thank you. And you got to really advocate for yourself.
It's really important. I have a great doctor now.
He's gay, which they told me ahead of time.
I don't know why.
I apologize. We jumped the gun.
We have no faith in Marina. That was an applause break.
Ohh! She got a little applause break in the cars, the lights went...
We just have no faith in the show... we thought she was exiting the stage.
No, no. She told them to do that.
- Oh! - I was listening.
Why do you got to cockblock it?
Damn, that's fucked up.
That was some bitch ass shit.
Because I wish I would've did it.
That's bitterness, where he's like, "No, no, no.
That's not real laughter. She actually paid them."
It was the right thing to do, though.
- Fuck her. - It was...
[ Laughter ]
And I'm like, "Yas, bitch. Yas!"
I don't know why, when in front of a gay man,
I become a gay man.
It's contagious. But they're also doing Black women,
so I become me. [ Laughter ]
But here's the thing that really happened for me
is, like, getting older, you realize something...
Is that you end up saying the wrong things all the time.
Like, I don't say the right things at all.
And it's just, it's embarrassing when it happens.
Like, I've been messing up.
I met someone who is not a guy or a girl.
They were a they, which is how they want to be referred to.
That's important. I care about that.
It's just, it's new to me.
But in a sentence,
structurally...
It makes me sound like a runaway slave.
[ Laughter ]
Like, "Where they at?
They's comin'?
They down by the river?"
But let me ask you guys something. Yeah, please.
Isn't this right now, and being onstage,
the only times you're not depressed?
- Those two. - Well, yes.
- Mm, yeah. - Yes.
But I have... I like... I like being with my family.
[ Applause, horns honking ] What the hell?!
- Oh, shit! - Oh, man!
- Oh, wow. - That... She just killed.
[ Honking continues ]
Marina, do you have any new corona jokes we should know about?
I don't think they were strong, but I got away with it.
"Got away with it." [ Laughs ]
I don't like this new humility when she just crushed.
This isn't even, like, the weirdest gig that I've done.
I... I just made eye contact with, like,
I think it was the Chrysler Building.
I don't know what the hell is going on.
But I just winked at the Chrysler Building.
It's all over.
But I'm actually, I'm married to an essential worker.
He's a fireman.
- Whoo! - Thank you.
I mean, he's kind of a dick, but...
The hardest thing about being married to a fireman
is that the men at the firehouse have access
to my husband's brain for like half the week.
Like, he'll come home with conspiracy theories.
He'll be like, "Vinny said they legit never went to the moon."
I'm like, "Don't believe anything Vinny says."
That's what I'm competing with, conspiracy theories
that use the word "legit." [ Laughter ]
And it's strange 'cause, like, we had a hard time in quarantine
and he's a... He's a good man and...
But, like, we would argue a lot 'cause, like,
I don't like activities, you know.
I just like to sort of lay in a dim room and snack.
He likes to do activities.
On night two of quarantine,
he was like, "We should do, like, a puzzle night
where we both start a puzzle at the same time
and see who can finish first."
I'm like, "I would rather have a hysterectomy"
than do a puzzle-off." [ Laughter ]
Tell people what's the problem with going first.
First is good 'cause you get the first material, but...
First is good because you want
to just get it out of the way. But... But I didn't.
I wanted to enjoy the moment. The crowd's not warm.
They don't know what the hell is going on. That's the emcee's fault.
Marina: Chris, I thought you were doing amazing.
- Ooh, she did it again. - Marina.
You really warmed them up for me!
- Oh, my God! - Mean girl shit.
I don't need this shit right now.
Marina's end zone dancing now.
Yes, like everybody. That's a comedian thing.
Before you go on, you feel like shit.
Afterwards, if you kill, you're high for like a half hour.
The whole car ride home now, I'll just be like,
"If I would've went fourth, I would've crushed."
Well, Vos also mentioned
that they could flash their lights after.
Distefano: Ohh. See, that's another problem with going first.
Vos explained the rules after he watched me die,
then he explains the rules for everybody else.
Yeah. Sounds very Vos.
My parents are, like, aggressively liberal.
They would have preferred if I'd married
a Nigerian lesbian, I think.
My mom loves complaining about Trump.
She does like a shoulder dance
when she's ready to start talkin' Trump.
And she uses the weirdest language. She'll be like,
"Well, the sleuth is up to his tricks this morn."
"You can only slay a dragon with his own wings."
I'm like, I think that's just a quote from "Game of Thrones."
She goes, "The way he's ignoring this coronavirus!"
She goes, "I did an anti-Trump collage in quarantine
and I found it very restorative."
I'm like, "I don't think that's healthy.
You're not really supposed to collage against someone."
She goes, "Well, it's pretty controversial."
I'm like, "I'm pretty sure whatever happens
in your art room in Bethesda is not controversial."
If Trump's not listening to Congress,
I don't think it's gonna be Karen Feinstein's decoupage
that's gonna make him start questioning his choices.
Yeah, fuck the CDC, but Karen Feinstein,
well, she has some fine points.
Thank you guys so much. That's it for me.
[ Applause, horns honking ]
I hope I made sense.
Aw, thank you.
[ Honking continues ]
Rachel, give us a rating on your set.
On my set? Here's what I think of Rachel's set,
is the fact that... here, it says everything about the set.
I go, "Give us a rating." She goes, "Marina killed it."
Well, here's what I think, honestly.
I think that they were very nice because Marina killed,
so then afterwards, that opened them up
and everybody was like...
some people were by the side laughing and stuff.
But I myself screwed up a few intros and feel like a fraud.
Yeah, 'cause we're not... We haven't been on in so much.
Yeah, but they were... We're used to working...
Because Marina crushed and then she opened it up.
You know, you're so used to working.
Like, if I take a week off, I get rusty.
It's nice to be here in Lot 47.
I've always wanted to bomb next to the East River,
so this is cool.
Next to that big watery grave known as the East River.
It's just nice to be out of the house without a mask on.
This feels pretty good.
Is anyone sneezed in their mask during COVID?
Yeah, that's the "shit in your pants" of this whole thing.
Just in person, you're like, gah!
Okay, that's all over my own face.
I'm just gonna walk around with fucking snot all over my mouth.
It's pretty awesome. Wear a mask.
I don't understand people that don't want to wear a mask.
Just do it. It's fucking easy.
And you're gonna look way better in history.
Just put on the mask, and then you can lie
to your grandkids all you want.
They see a picture with you in a mask and they're like,
"Grandpa, you did the right thing."
You're like, "I tore down a statue."
You don't have to.
You can lie to your grandkids about it.
That's all it is. You do a small thing
and you lie throughout history.
Most of our grandparents didn't want to fight
in World War II.
Sucks to say that, but it's true.
Most of our grandpas were like, "I don't even know any Jews!"
[ Laughter ]
And then now, all these years later,
they can be like, "I fought tyranny!"
It's like, no, you didn't, you anti-Semite.
I read your letters to Nana.
You were on some Walt Disney shit, you fucking liar.
[ Laughter ]
By the way, for the past like two decades,
comedians have been sucking our own dicks,
being like, "We're artists."
This is clear that we're just mentally ill people
shouting at cars. [ Laughter, horn honks ]
This is the most accurate portrayal of comedy,
where it's just a person being like, "Go away, car!
Stay away from me, car!"
I'm missing my nana. I think we're all feeling it.
You know, no one can visit their grandparents during this,
'cause you're gonna knock 'em out if you got it,
if you got the 'VID.
It's hard to hang out with old people.
Last time I hung out with my grandma was December
before COVID, and that was hard.
She's 93. And no one tells you
when you hang out with anyone over 85,
you get very nervous when they sleep in.
[ Laughter ]
Three days in a row, she's up at nine o'clock,
and then one day at 9:30 on a Wednesday,
you're like, "Come on, Nana!"
"Get up!"
10 o'clock, you're, like... I'm pacing around the kitchen
like, "I'm gonna walk in there, I'm gonna touch your cheek.
If it's cold, I'm gonna change my flight."
My grandma got up at 11 a.m. I promise you,
she's never woken up to a reception like that, ever.
She was like, "Dan, I'm awake!" I was like, "Yeaaah!"
She came down the stairs like a president off a plane.
She was like, "I did it! I did it!
I saw the light and I turned around."
[ Laughter ]
What's more of a bummer than hanging out with my grandma
is she has a 13-year-old shih tzu named Buddy
who is both blind and deaf.
That's a rough hang.
That's a rougher hang than the 93-year-old,
watching a dog smell-navigate for an entire week.
Just walking around the apartment like...
[ sniffing ] Just fucking banging into shit.
It looked like watching a broken Roomba with a wig on it.
I told my grandma, I'm like, "You have to kill this thing.
This thing shouldn't live."
She's like, "I don't want to play God."
I'm like, "That's... That's what you're doing."
If this thing lived outside,
it would've been hawk food a year ago.
This dog is deaf and blind.
That's an inhumane way to let anything live.
This dog's entire life is Metallica's "One" song.
The dog's whole life is just like,
♪ Darkness imprisoning me ♪
♪ All that I see, absolute horror ♪
I put that song on when my grandma leaves.
I'm like, "Buddy, it's your jam!"
I put it on the ground so he can feel it through his paws.
He takes in the music like Beethoven.
The composer, not the adorable Saint Bernard.
I gotta... I gotta... [ Car horn honks ]
Alright! The little Beethoven history gets a honk.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, you guys been a fun parking lot.
Thank you very much. Have a good night.
[ Car horns honking ] Holy shit.
Kelly: Now, wait a minute. Can I ask a question?
So, you know you bombed now 'cause it's been set.
That is doing... They liked you.
So at the end, you get... Bup!
One little "bep, bep"... You suck.
Yeah.
[ Honking continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, handsome.
It's the only time I'll ever say that to him.
Oh, please, Bonnie, do good,
or it's gonna be a long ride home.
[ Laughs ] Please, God.
Please, God, do well.
I like the honking, by the way.
I love it. I, uh...
Now.
[ Horns honking ]
Later, I'll talk about how sexist it was
in a BuzzFeed article, but for now, very cool.
[ Laughs ]
I kid. But this is big. This is a big deal.
I put on pants for this. [ Laughter ]
I've been getting invited to a lot of Zoom parties,
which...
Fool me once!
"Party," in this context, is incredibly misleading,
although "uncomfortable Zoom chore"
probably wouldn't bring the people in.
Have the courage to drink alone!
Be a hero. [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Horn honks ] Yes, heroes are...
It's an important time for heroes, front-line workers.
Whenever I'm going through self-checkout
at the grocery store,
I say to myself, "You're a hero."
I let me know how I feel about me.
[ Laughter ]
So, I've been in quarantine with my husband for, you know,
however long this has been going on.
And I've learned a few things.
One thing I've learned is that I will not kill him,
because I would have done it by now.
He has reached peak annoyance,
mostly with chewing.
What a great time, though, if you wanted to kill your husband.
You should do it, 'cause people aren't gonna find out
for a while, and perfect digging weather.
But what... But instead,
I, like, when I get really upset,
I lay in bed at night and then I just, I go over...
In my head, I go over his eulogy,
and that just brings me peace somehow.
It's getting so good.
[ Laughter ]
No, it's... I say really nice things about him.
I'm really... I mean, I'm gonna say some, you know...
I'm gonna talk about his flaws a little bit
just to humanize him, you know.
But if he...
When he dies,
I will be ready.
[ Laughter ]
The end of the world is here, almost.
And, uh...
And the floods haven't even started yet.
This guy was like, "The floods are coming.
You know, the Earth is ending.
Uh... we're gonna be underwater soon.
Why are you women still so hung up on feminism?"
You know? He was like, "Hey, maybe
you don't want to... you know, you don't want to lose that
'women and children first' card just yet."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "Is this asshole right?"
I don't want to get my hair wet, you know?
But then I started thinking about it, I was like,
Wait a second, there is no 'women and children first' card.
It's just children first, and then somebody
has to take care of the children,
and men would rather drown.
So I think that was your choice.
Listen, this has been kind of fun.
Thank you so much. I have no idea if I did well or not.
[ Horns honking ]
Thank you.
I'm gonna say this...
I'm gonna get the first parking lot standing 0.
They'll be standing up.
- I guarantee it. - If you flip their hoods.
[ Horns honking ]
Come on. Do a little more than that.
Come on. I need more than that.
[ Honking continues ] Okay.
That bothers me.
That's them honking telling him to get offstage.
Sam Jay's getting that energy.
The energy of right before you go on.
I had to walk away from you guys. I didn't want to be around.
Yeah, I know. I saw that. I noticed that.
Kelly: Oh, don't think I'm fucking not getting out of this chair.
- See? - I walked far away from it.
Where the black cars at?
[ Horns honking ]
[ Chuckling ]
Just checking. Just checking.
Alright, man, I'm telling you right now, I'm feeling good.
You know, I'm not sad at all, man.
People sad at things, you know, maybe like a little fucked up,
but I'm happy, you know what I mean?
I'm happy about a lot of shit.
I'm jealous about shit, too, like the looting.
I'm jealous of the looting. I'm not mad about the looting.
I'm jealous.
Because shit is light as hell now
and you can carry a lot of shit, you know what I mean?
I seen an 8-year-old running down the street
with a 65-inch TV.
8 years old, just running. [ Panting ]
I'm like, "What the fuck?" Now, 'cause I'm old.
What I was his age, it took like 45 motherfuckers
to carry one floor-model TV out.
[ Laughter, horn honks ]
[ Laughing ]
45. Heavy as shit. God damn!
Only thing you could run out with then
is like a RCA antenna.
What's he saying?
Uh-oh.
No TV, just an antenna. That's it.
What the fuck?
[ Laughter ]
Ah, he just repeated the joke. He's bombing.
You know, you got, you know, Donald Trump,
and everybody like, "What don't you like about Don?"
A lot of people don't like him.
And it's just so many people who don't like Donald Trump,
I had to think about what I like about him.
I was like, "What do I fucking like about Donald Trump?"
And I thought about it, and I got it.
I like the fact that he lets his friends out of jail.
I like that shit. [ Laughter ]
'Cause if I was the president,
that's the first thing I would do.
"Yo, yo, yo!
You free!
How many people you got around you?
Tell 'em they free, too. Fuck it."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I got an applause break.
That's what I'm fucking talking about.
Y'all must be the black car.
[ Laughter ]
But Donald Trump, you got to admit,
even if you love Donald Trump,
you got to know he's doing too much presidentin'.
Every day, you got to hear from this motherfucker.
And he does shit that nobody has ever done before.
Like, he tried to rob a country.
A whole country... Tried to rob them.
Donald Trump is test-driving this country
like it's a rental car.
And we all are passengers in the back.
"Wait a minute, don't do that! Don't do that!"
"Watch me make this minivan do a wheelie."
What the fuck?!
[ Horns honking ]
Oh, shit. Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ]
That's a horn break. I just got a horn break.
Listen to Keith. He's killing.
- Keith's not gonna get off. - Keith's doing good.
I hope he doesn't get off. I hope he does 45.
- Who's next? Sam Jay? - Sam Jay.
Let's talk about some other shit, man.
You know the cops. I don't mind the police.
Police... I think we all know this...
All police aren't bad.
We can say that... All police aren't bad.
We get that.
They are all complicit,
but they're not all bad.
[ Applause, horns honking ] You know what I mean?
You never see the cops ever say, "I overreacted."
But it's like, you got to realize this, though.
Everybody goes to do a job.
Don't mean they're gonna do a good job.
Every police officer is not there to serve and protect.
Some people just like the job because you get the money in.
That's it. Like, for instance, I joined the Navy, right?
And this is no bullshit. I joined the Navy.
But I ain't join the Navy 'cause I felt patriotic.
I ain't give a fuck.
I joined the Navy 'cause my SATs told me,
"This is all you got left, man."
"You are one dumb son of a bitch.
This is it." [ Horn honks ]
Alright, that's one horn. That's good enough.
A horn is a horn, God damn it.
Alright. Fuck it. That's it.
Good night. Thanks a lot, man.
[ Horns honking ]
Quinn: Now, you guys in the middle of your careers,
all going well, and this has to happen.
Are you at all worried that this is where it all stops,
it plateaus? What if this is the new normal?
I finally started selling tickets in January.
- You did? - I was half sold.
And then January, the HBO special came out
and I finally started selling tickets,
and they're like, "No more shows."
- You're like, "Fuck!" - Same with me.
Quinn: Same with you and same with you? I had all the tickets sold.
I don't even know if I could sell tickets. The special just came out.
Yeah, so like, the metric of how you know if it's good for real,
I can't... I don't even have.
Yeah. I was like, "It's working! Everything's broke."
Yeah. Comedy's changed now.
It's like now, because you have to just have
an online presence or a digital presence.
But you had to anyway, yeah.
No, but now it's, like, reinforced that,
that like, now you really need it.
You know, unless you're, like, grandfathered in.
But it's like, if there's no podcast or YouTube
or something where people can find you on the Internet,
you know... But I mean, it will come back.
It will. So I don't think you have to.
No, but I'm saying, to stay afloat now,
for the next couple years.
I'm not gonna get an Internet presence.
I'm nervous we're never gonna get back. This feels like...
Oh, you're nervous about...
I'm nervous about Chris.
Chris is upset because Vos didn't announce honking horns
and giving the response till after his set.
No, Vos... literally, the magic of the show
happened after my set was over.
Like, the fucking... look at how beautiful the night sky is.
I was there, it was sunny out still.
It was pure daylight when I did my set.
Wait, did he not tell 'em to honk?
Yeah, and the sun wasn't down yet.
You know, it's beautiful night sky now.
I mean, you took a real bullet.
You should feel good about that. I got fucking nothing.
- You took a bullet. - I took a bullet for the show.
You did. And by the way, you can definitely hear
the water crashing into the rocks.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Any down moment in your set. Yeah.
That's what's so nerve-racking.
Boats might be the only place we can perform after this.
Yeah. COVID testing, and then they just send us out.
Test the audience. Yeah.
Outdoor cruise ships, where they're docked,
- that don't go anywhere. - Well, I think, certainly,
at least for a little bit, performing for cars
or in settings that are not comedy clubs is just gonna be
what you're gonna have to do if you want to work.
Yeah, I agree with that.
It might move down south, because like,
the best baseball players come from Dominican Republic
'cause they play year-round...
Comedy might move down south 'cause it's all outdoors.
Are you saying Cuban comics?
'Cause you could be outside all the time,
who the whole shit might shift
and New York might be dead.
I don't know why I said yes to this,
'cause I've been...
doing good in life.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know, man. I mean...
I was in D.R. for a week.
I just went, just went to D.R. for a week.
I feel really good about it 'cause I feel
like a gross white man.
Like, I feel like an evil white dude,
like I'm doing, like, super villain shit,
like going to a, like, third-world country
in a pandemic, sitting on a resort,
having people bring me drinks, like a real piece of shit.
Not wearing a mask... just doing like filthy white man shit.
And I got to say, it feels good. It feels real fucking good.
I get why they do it so much. It's nice.
[ Chuckles ] I was smoking cigars.
I don't even smoke fucking cigars.
But it just made me feel more evil.
[ Laughter ]
[ Horns honking ] [ Laughs ]
Cool. Thanks. [ People cheering ]
I been watching white people get punched in the face a lot
during the pandemic.
I watch videos... [ Horns honking ]
I watch videos of white people getting beat up
for saying racist things to Black people.
It's fun. There's, like, a whole bunch of 'em.
And what's great about it is at no point do they ever,
like, think they're gonna get hit.
And that blows my mind. Like, they say very crazy things
to a person in their face, and then the person hits them
and they always look surprised that they got hit.
And I just don't know anyone who...
Like, I didn't grow up like that.
I didn't grow up, like, not knowing
if you said wild shit, you could get hit.
But like, white people really think you're not allowed
to hit them for words.
Like, somebody somewhere told them this goofy shit
that, like, people can't hit you over words,
and they really running the world believing that shit.
Whereas I grew up getting hit over words all the fucking time.
So I know it's fucking possible.
It's weird, like, how the rules is just applied different.
Like, right before the world shut down,
I was at a Marshalls, right?
I'm inside this Marshalls, chilling,
and this white lady was in the Marshalls.
And we was in, like, the rich section of Marshall's.
You know.
Like, you know, where the, like,
the rich nigga shit is at Marshall's.
So we was over there on the rich nigga side,
you know what I mean?
And she had a Gucci purse. And then this Black girl,
she walked in, walked up to the white lady,
and she was like, "Give me your purse, bitch."
[ Laughter ]
And then the white lady
gave her the purse, and the Black girl left.
And then the white lady yelled,
"I've been robbed!"
And I was like, "No, you wasn't.
You just gave that bitch your bag."
A robbery requires some type of resistance.
You got to clutch the shit or something.
You just handed that shit over. You weren't robbed, bitch.
You got chumped. That's what we call it.
You got chumped.
And people don't go to jail for chumping niggas.
You just got to take that I.
Go home, walk that shit off.
Ask yourself why you let that bitch take your bag like that.
[ Laughter ]
That's really it. Alright, bye, y'all.
[ Horns honking ]
Now, Bobby, show it to the camera for a second.
I'm not turning. Alright.
Tell him to move. [ Laughs ]
I'm not fucking turning.
Quinn: I love comedians,
and I think that they are never funnier than before the show.
They're getting into that mindset to perform,
the adrenaline starts flowing,
and when everybody sees each other, it's like a reunion.
It's really some blond lady who's the director. Alright.
Where's the real director?
Oh, Jesus, I broke the fucking...
Quinn: We just start trashing each other
like a bunch of dogs jumping on each other in a dog park.
It's fun. It's how we like to do it.
- Get regular chairs! - You want to sit in this chair?
No, I'll break that one, too. Go ahead. What were you saying?
Tell people what the problem is with going last.
People that don't know comedy. What are the challenges
with going last? Especially at a show like this.
Everyone's done corona stuff.
It's... everybody's already done everything. Right.
And they're fucking tired. Right.
They've been sitting in their cars, comfortable.
- They have air conditioning. - Yeah, that's what...
You don't want that at a show.
You want chairs up tight, face straight.
Not, you know... No nothing.
And they're in their fucking car, fiddling, they're texting.
They got fucking things in front of them,
probably getting hand jobs.
And then I got to go up at the end and fucking sweep up
this horse shit in a fucking parking lot.
Like I need to feel worse. I got no money. I'm in corona.
I haven't worked since fucking February.
Alright? I was about to buy a Rolex and get a new house.
Now I'm... [ Laughing ] A Rolex?
Yeah! I got nothing. Okay? I got nothing.
You have a house. Now I'm closing this fucking...
I got a house, but it's a small house.
[ Horns honking ] How we doing?
Oh, you can really hear the water.
This is fucking weird.
Is this weird?
- Do you like it or not? - Yeah!
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you got no fucking choice.
It's either this or stay home and watch Netflix again.
Watch some fat guy on a river.
[ Laughter ]
I don't mind... COVID sucks.
This sucks, but good things came out of it,
if you look at it.
You know, weddings...
I didn't have to go to any shit weddings this year.
That's awesome, right?
[ Horns honking ]
Oh, that makes me... Oh, weddings suck ass.
Oh, it made me so happy
they had to do it in a yard by themselves.
Oh, weddings are the worst, 'cause they're just, you know...
They're just entitled assholes
trying to be prince and princesses for the day.
And you're not. You're getting mar...
Look, marriage, I'm fine... A wedding, you're an asshole.
If you have a wedding and you're not royalty,
you are a phony piece of shit to me.
Okay? You're working... You're a barista.
You don't get a wedding. You live in Jersey.
It doesn't happen. I'm sorry, honey.
Poor father was two years away from retiring.
Now has to wave at people at Walmart every other Sunday
'cause you wanted a horse-drawn carriage for two blocks.
Fuck you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Horns honking ]
Oh, it's the worst. It's a Ponzi scheme.
You know, they send you the save-the-date
to try to make you feel special... "We picked you."
Fuck off. I don't want to go. I'm not going.
Did you get the save-the-date? I did. It's in the garbage.
I saw your face, threw it in the trash.
They get mad. "That was a magnet!
It goes on your fridge!"
Not on my fridge. I got a Samsung.
Are you out of your mind? That has crushed ice
and a SodaStream built in. Get the fuck out of here.
I don't put my kids' homework on that masterpiece,
never mind your dumb faces in black and white
in front of hay, just...
You live in Jersey City.
Where'd you get hay? You did a photo shoot?
She's a barista! You don't have the money!
I love just his shirt blowing in the wind the whole time.
Yeah, it looks like Kingpin addressing the...
His shirt's like this. It's like the back of a do-rag.
It's just like, pssh!
Bobby looks like Kingpin trying to find Spider-Man.
They always say the same thing. "Ours is gonna be fun."
"Ours is gonna be the funnest wedding.
It's gonna be the funnest wedding you've ever been to."
Is it at my house on Saturday?
Am I naked in my recliner with every remote I ever lost
on my stomach?
And I look in the driveway
and my wife's car is nowhere to be found?
That's a fucking fun Saturday to me.
Not in a suit that doesn't fit with a belt buckle
trying to murder me for an hour and a half in a church.
[ Horn honking ]
We got any Jews? Jews?
[ People cheering ]
What's up? Mazel tov.
You can tell by the Lexus.
[ Laughter ]
We got any Catholics? Where's the Catholics?
[ Woman screams ] Way in the back.
That's fucking racist.
Atheists, where you at?
You're probably all over the place. Yeah, yeah.
Look at all those fucking hybrid Toyotas blinking.
[ Laughter ]
[ Horn honks ] [ Chuckles ] Alright!
Can I get a fucking windshield wiper? Ba-pow!
Let me get a hazard. Suck it!
[ Laughter ]
You guys, thank you so much. I'm Robert Kelly.
Have a great night. Take care.
[ Horns honking ]
I bombed at the De Niro birthday many years ago.
Was it like a real hard bomb, like true?
It was stunning.
[ Laughter ]
No, I mean, I've bombed a lot.
But what was specific about the De Niro one?
This was in my top three of all time.
- All time? - And I've bombed 100 times.
At what point did you feel the bomb?
No, I mean, I couldn't even admit it
to myself till like six minutes in,
but it was... It was started very early.
Was De Niro just looking at you?
All bombs start early, right?
Bombs start in the first 30 seconds.
Yeah, you miss and then you can never rebound.
And then it's you... and then it's you treading water.
Either you can tread the water or you drowned.
Yeah, folks. I mean, what can I really say at this point?
You know, I, uh...
I, you know, corona...
what... you know,
it all started March.
It's never gonna end. This is the end of society.
This is the end of the world.
You're gonna be living in those cars
for the next 25 years.
And, started in March.
Don't touch your eyes. Don't rub your face.
Don't... You have to wash your hands constantly.
Who's head of the CDC?
Everybody's mother?
[ Scattered laughter ]
You know, folks, not everything's edgy.
Sometimes a guy like me,
in his later years, he likes to hit, like, a joke...
That joke would've worked on Merv Griffin
if they had coronavirus back then.
I'm not denying it wasn't the wildest joke you ever heard,
but, you know, I like to open soft
and work my way up. I, um...
[ Car horn honks ] Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
My thing is this...
I blame the coronavirus on nerds.
Because before computers,
all nerds did was work on medical things.
Their whole life was looking through microscopes at slides.
And then computers came along, and suddenly,
nerds became popular and they didn't go into medical.
Medical is like the third rung of intelligent people.
And nerd culture was only supposed to work in hospitals,
in medical situations.
They're supposed to cure diseases.
There's not supposed to be bands with glasses.
Mick Jagger didn't wear glasses.
Bruce Springsteen didn't have a fucking pocket protector.
Buddy Holly was the only guy in a band that wore glasses,
and God killed him pretty early because...
[ Car horn honks ]
Big Bopper fan. Anyway, um...
[ Laughter ]
And, uh...
I'll tell you who's back being essential...
Lab rats. Lab rats.
You didn't hear about them a lot,
'cause a lot of them got laid off
'cause of the makeup scandals back in the early '90s.
And now they're like, "Yeah, I got called in."
I don't know, I was there.
Yeah. I mean, I was sitting home,
and you know, I've been off for the past three months
'cause I had a bad reaction to some kind of antidepressant.
But they called me in 'cause some asshole ate a fucking bat
"in China, I don't know."
Well, I didn't say my lab rat impression
was the stuff of great...
[ Laughter ]
Wasn't a Richard Pryor character, you know.
It's a fucking lab rat. What do you want out of me?
Haven't been onstage in six months.
At least corona gives us an excuse.
If the apocalypse... If we die...
I was so... It would be so humiliating
to die in the apocalypse
and then we go to heaven and people are like, "What the fuck?"
And we're like, "Yeah, we just started arguing on social media"
and shit get out of control." At least this way, we can go,
"No, fucking God decided to ground us for some reason,
and he put this corona, and that just set us off."
At least we have an external reason,
instead of just people fighting all the time on social media.
Because here's what I realized about social media.
Why it destroyed this country is 'cause we're not meant
to be having these political, intelligent discussions.
We're not the intelligent country.
We're, like, the enthusiastic, outdoorsy kind of country.
Like England, France...
They were, like, intellectual, political.
We're not meant to be getting into these deep thoughts,
you know what I mean? We're like salesmen and farmers.
That's what we're good at.
And we... you know, now look at us, you know what I mean?
I feel like, in this world, either we end apocalyptic
or we get invaded by aliens,
which everyone's always worried about that
because they're like, aliens will come down
and they'll be this superior, these genius people,
and they'll take us over and make us their slaves.
Yeah, just as scary...
What if they come
and they're dumb?
What if aliens show up
and they just... They're fans of ours,
and they just came down here
'cause it was on their bucket list to visit Earth,
and they've been watching us on YouTube.
And they're like eight years behind,
and they're saying, like, "amaze balls"
and "awesome sauce."
Like, "Hey, do shots! Do duck lips!"
And we're like... [ Grumbling ]
[ Laughter ]
So, I get... [ Car horn honks ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause, horns honking ]
Alright, you guys.
Thank you very much for coming out tonight.
Thank you for staying through the show.
[ Honking continues ]
Thank you! Thank you!
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Thank you, guys. Ah!
Let's bring out everybody who was on the show.
Come on out.
Quinn: We can do this show, but it's not sustainable,
because we need the audience
more than any other performing art.
Because if you are rambling
and not getting to the humorous part,
you feel the boredom and impatience.
So it helps you rewrite and edit,
which is part of joke writing.
Also, the tension of the silence between laughs
is a necessary part of comedy.
It's got to have a build, or there's no release.
Without the joke, it's like listening
to what I'm saying right now...
Boring.
So cars cannot be the new comedy club for long,
because it'll get old fast.
Redneck jokes if you're in a pickup,
douche jokes if you're in a Range Rover,
dentist jokes for BMW.
F-250 with a high lift will be like
the guy in the audience who's a troublemaker.
I just want to say that I went on in the daylight
and a lot of the things, the honking and all that
that you guys were doing, wasn't for my set,
so if you see it on TV. I didn't bomb.
It's just the show didn't really start until the second comic.
So if this ends up being my last hurrah,
as Rich Vos so rudely pointed out is a possibility,
at least I left with my friends...
Ungrateful, self-centered,
irritable, know-it-all bastards.
Guys, thank you. I can't promise you're gonna make the cut,
- but thank you all. - What?!
Get all of this. This is gonna be...
You know what this is gonna be?
This is gonna be over the credits.
When people are watching a masterpiece...
They've been watching it and it keeps stopping
because their Internet isn't working.
I want to know if there's a way we can film...
Without him knowing... Vos' conversation
on the way home, telling Bonnie, "I mean, I killed.
You did good, too,
but I kind of killed the whole show."
[ Laughs ] You know you'll be bragging.
No, I'm gonna e... I'm gonna email her that.
♪♪