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I was a tender 12 years old the first time
I experienced a deep and painful loss.
The cause of her death is still a mystery to me.
And I often wonder if there was anything I could have done
to prevent it.
I remember finding her pale, little body floating
in the cold, cruel water.
My mother and stepfather barely acknowledged what happened,
which made the grieving process even more confusing.
Being able to persevere through this tragic loss
helped me to become the strong leader I am today.
And that is why I am the perfect candidate
for Northwestern's liberal arts program.
Goddamn. I'm good.
Suck my dick, Emily Dickinson.
Madison! Can you check on the turkey?
Okay.
Let's do this.
Haha. Boom.
Honey, check the temperature first.
Yes, Mom. I got it.
Already did that...
Put the rolls in the oven.
Fine.
They're not in the fridge.
No, they're in the freezer.
Yeah, that would be great. Actually, that reminds me...
Oh, honey. Will you also pull out the gin?
It's not in the freezer.
Yeah, no, it's in the fridge.
Ugh. This house is so backwards.
- Got ya! - Holy shit! Jimmy!
You scared me!
Mm! Oh, oh.
I am wearing the necklace you gave me.
I gave you that?
This morning!
Oh!
It looks so different outside the box.
Honey, did you make sure that the turkey was 165 degrees?
Madison! I'm speaking to you!
Mm-hmm. Yep. Mom, I checked it.
It's done.
So, honey, you're sure it's done?
The thermometer said 165.
Well...
Just because it's dark doesn't mean it's cooked.
165 degrees. How would you know that when you're doing that?
Because I can read, Mom.
It's all right. I'll just put it right back in. Excuse me.
- What? Seriously? - Just for a second.
No, Mom. I checked it. It's done.
You know what, I just want to put it in, so we can make sure it's crispy and safe.
- Why don't I help with that, Mrs. Williams? - No! You do not have to help
with that because it's done.
Okay. Okay. - No, it's not done.
Why can you not trust that I can do anything?
This is not about you. This is about the turkey.
- The turkey is done! - The turkey crisps--
Oh my God. Oh! It's so hot! It's so hot!
This corn is uh...
tender.
Yeah. This is a good opportunity to really appreciate the sides
of a dinner and uh... not focus so much on the turkey.
Yeah. Yeah.
Kids make mistakes all the time.
I'm not a kid. I am 18 years old.
And it was an accident, Mom.
- And some might say that you were involved. Hey. Hey! What...
What did everyone do today?
Oh! Dad and I built a snowman.
Oh yeah. It's the, uh, lump of snow outside with my, uh, clothes on.
Well, that's great!
Madison, did you finish that essay for your college application?
Yeah.
Yeah, Uncle Andy. I--I actually did. Um--
Great.
Mom, did you have a chance to read it yet?
I did.
And?
Honestly, I don't think there's any college that's gonna accept that essay.
What are you talking about?
Did you really write about Goldie?
Who's Goldie?
You wrote about your dead goldfish?
Look, I know you're upset with me, but Madison, you could do better.
I do not even know why I bothered to ask your opinion
on the essay in the first place.
I mean, you seize every single opportunity you can
to criticize me, so there's that.
Why didn't you write about the special bond you have with Heather?
Don't write about me.
Look, I don't know what's taking so long.
It's not like you have a job.
Maybe something more interesting would happen if you just
left the house.
Hey, I was looking through your photo albums,
and mini-Madison was so cute.
Aw. Thanks, Jimmy.
Remember when mini-Madison wanted to grow up to be a dog?
Uh-huh. - Aw, you wanted to be a little mini-muffin?
Well, there's nothing wrong with taking social cues
from man's best friend.
Mmm, she used to put the food on the floor
and try to eat without her hands.
- Well--
Okay, think we're done with this subject.
We could probably move on now, right?
Oh my God, she also pooped on the front lawn.
No, she didn't! - Dude, yes!
- Oh, she did! - So many times!
There you are.
I come bearing gifts.
Come on.
We were just joking around.
I know. They took it a little too far.
But, I like being reminded of mini-Madison.
I'm just so sick of my parents still treating me like a child.
My mother doesn't appreciate any of the hard work I'm doing.
Heather is a grade-A bitch. And--and--and Uncle Andy just...
It's like he's the only person who--
Seriously?
What?
No, no, no! No, no, no! Hey, hey, hey!
I was listening. I promise I was listening.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Heather is a grade-A bitch.
I'm sorry. Just talk to me.
I don't know. I just--
I just wish they'd leave me alone.
Like, like, give me my own space.
Maybe even my own room.
Like, sharing a room with Heather is not exactly
my favorite thing in the world. You know?
Ugh. I'm 18. Just like let me--
- You know what we need? - What?
- A vacation. - Ha. Yeah.
Yeah, that's what--
Whoa, I'm not looking at my phone. Look. I promise.
No, it's not...it's not that.
There's a light on at the Becker's house.
And?
And they're not home.
I do not see a light.
Well something must have turned it off.
- Maybe the house is haunted. - Yeah. Definitely.
Hey! It makes sense. Ghosts mess with lights all the time.
It's like a common fact.
We should go over there and check it out.
You want to go into the haunted house?
It's not actually haunted, Jimmy.
There is no way you're going to convince me
to go into a haunted house.
Mr. and Mrs. Becker?
It's Madison.
Hello?
How long do you think it's been since someone was here?
A few months. Probably.
Are you sure you saw a light turn on?
Must've been bad wiring.
Or bad ghosts.
Well, if you're convinced there's ghosts, we could always...
have a seance.
I am convinced there are ghosts. And I don't want to meet them.
Jimmy. We have two options. Okay?
Either, we can stay here, talk to some ghosts,
or, uh, we can go back and talk to my angry mom.
Ugh.
Fine. Fuck it.
- Let's talk to some ghosts. - Hm.
-
What kind of person punches an innocent snowman in the face?
Oh, chill out, dude. It looked like your ex-boyfriend.
What? No, it didn't. What do you want?
Uh, listen. Could you cover for me and Jimmy for a bit?
I mean, Mom and Dad are pretty hammered,
Uncle Andy is gonna stay over.
You probably have some time.
Okay. Can you just like stuff some pillows in my bed?
Make it look like I'm sleeping?
I don't know if I want to traumatize Dad like that again.
You're going to prom this year, right?
Well, I would be honored to supply you
with a bottle of booze as a token of my appreciation.
- Two. - Absolutely.
Deal.
Perfect.
- What is this?
Oh. It's a Hodag.
- A Ho-bag? - No. Hodag.
He's a mythical creature. It's a Northwoods thing.
Hm. Well, whatever it is,
it's going to be our official seance mascot.
- Oh, shit! - Jimmy!
Is it bad luck to break a ho-bag?
Oh, great Hodag spirit.
We ask for your forgiveness
and help us ward off the evil spirits present in this house.
And now,
we will drink the ceremonial Hodag blood.
Is there paint in this?
No. It's beer with green food dye.
- Ooh. Nice. - Cheers.
Ah. Okay. Put your hands on the indicator thing.
What do you want to ask them?
Mm. What they want.
Spirits.
What do you want?
Holy shit.
- It's moving.
S.
You're moving this, aren't you?
No! I swear to God, I'm not moving this.
S, E...
I can't believe it's moving.
S, E...
X.
Sex.
Sex?
Oh, you're saying you want to have sex?
- Jimmy! - Hey, I'm fine with it.
But, just to be clear, for the record, it was your idea.
Oh, it was my idea? Really? It was? Shut up.
Hodag as my witness.
A Hodag ghost?
That's not good.
Protected.
Whoa! Oh! Jimmy! Jimmy! Hey, hey!
- We gotta get up. Come on. -
No, Jimmy. Seriously.
- Wake up. Get up. Come on! -
- Whoa! -
Oh, my God.
Do you think anyone else is in here?
- Is anyone in here? - Jimmy!
We weren't this high last night.
Where's their TV?
I think they were robbed.
Do you think they got our weed?
Shit!
The gremlin prostitute's gone.
How did we sleep through a robbery?
Hodag's revenge.
Okay. Well, we--we have to call the police.
What? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
We can't call the police.
We'll get in trouble for breaking and entering!
Uh, no, we won't.
But we did. We're trespassers. We are lawbreakers.
Yeah, but our broken law is less bad than the robbers' broken law
- so we're good. - Can we just talk about this?
Jimmy! No! Jimmy! Jimmy! No, no, no.
911. What's your emergency? -
- Is this an emergency?
- Hello? Is anyone there?
- Jimmy, absolutely not! - I--I can hear you. Is someone hurt?
- I'm sending help over--
S...so why did you guys dress up for Christmas?
- Well, we're concerned citizens-- - Well, it's actually not what--
- ...and we wanted to check out-- - ...it looks like at all.
- ...and we had a seance. - It was her idea to come over here.
My idea? - Enough.
We're gonna have to separate you two for the rest of the interview.
Also, please wash your faces before we continue.
Tell me what happened on the night of December 25th.
- Okay.
Wait, so, what time does night start?
I can't believe I gotta babysit.
But, I do get to meet a robber my first day of the job.
Starting off pretty good. Starting off pretty cool.
I told you. We didn't rob this place.
- Okay. - We--we snuck in.
We fell asleep. We woke up, and we realized it was robbed.
Like, technically, we helped you guys out.
Okay. All right. Just forget the part where I said
it was like my first day on the job. Okay? I'm not that dumb. All right?
I did train for this.
And then the whole thing flew in my face.
- Oh, my God. - So they were the ones
- who originally dropped the turkey. - Mm-hm.
So, you see, it's not my fault Christmas dinner got ruined.
Yeah. Well, in this situation, if anything,
you're the Christmas hero.
- I know! -
- Thank you! - Man!
Why did you enter the Becker's house?
I know the Beckers. My family's cabin is next door.
Really? Next door? Interesting.
We thought they would appreciate us keeping an eye on things.
We needed to investigate and confirm if the house was haunted.
Okay. Um...
What happened after you entered the premises?
We made sure the premises were secured, and they were.
Didn't see anything too crazy at the time.
We assessed the haunted lights
which were also securely shut down.
And look, I know the Beckers wouldn't mind us hanging out.
So, so, yeah. We played a board game. Just lit a few candles.
And then we had a seance.
But we didn't do any of this other stuff.
Did I hear--did I hear you guys, you said you did a seance?
- Oh, yeah?
So did you, uh...
talk to any ghosts?
Dude. There was a spiritual presence in the house last night.
I f--I felt it when I walked in.
But you did not vandalize anything in the house?
Absolutely not.
Well, so, there was a Hodag statue. But--
We fixed it.
Well if you didn't rob the house then who did?
I honestly do not know.
Your boyfriend said that a Hodag robbed the house.
He said what?
We're still trying to get in touch with the Beckers to confirm
your relationship to them.
While I continue my investigation, I--
Whoa. Uh. Our investigation.
We have agreed to release them into your custody
so long as you agree not to leave the county.
Under any circumstances.
Not leave the county? I'm sorry, you know,
we have to be in Chicago tomorrow for work.
Oh, well, I mean that kinda sounds like a circumstance.
Or, no.
Or we can hold them.
Hold them?
In jail? What? We're supposed to leave them in jail?
- Well... - Yeah, that's kinda how it works.
Babe, what about your brother, Andy? Maybe he can take them.
Guys, I can't stay here.
I'm gonna miss Jennifer's New Year's party.
Oh, I'm sorry. You're gonna miss Jennifer's New Year's party?
Where is my responsible daughter?
I am responsible, Mom! -- What are we doing here?
- You just never see that. - No. The police are here.
We're doing this because I responsibly reported a robbery.
No. You stayed in a place you should not have stayed.
Why are so you mean to me? Also, I stay in a place-- - Are you kidding me?
I don't get to see my friends-- - Do not try
to out-scream me. You know what, you go to college
- and have a social life. - I would love to go to college
- if you would approve my essay. - Every action has a consequence.
Say something.
-I'd just like-- -Don't.
First up, my house rules.
You will forfeit both your cell phones.
You'll sleep in separate bedrooms.
You'll get up at six AM every morning
and make your beds and-- what now?
Son of a--
-
Your uncle Andy told me what happened to his house.
I know you're telling the truth about the Beckers.
But I'm worried you don't realize that your actions have consequences.
You need to take more responsibility on and help around the cabin.
So I'm gonna send you a list of chores to--
Looks like they didn't get everything.
Not the time.
I--I don't know if this job is right for you.
Well, we're gonna stay at the family house.
Hop in.
I'm beginning to think that maybe you two
didn't rob the Becker's house.
Oh. Thank you.
Okay. I cannot believe that there are robbers out there
screwing people over and then letting us take the fall for it.
Yeah. These are the most inconsiderate robbers ever.
Okay. You know what?
We need to find these assholes and then clear our names.
Well, what else are we supposed to do?
It's practically the Wild West up here.
We should scour the town for clues.
Stake out the empty houses.
You will do no such thing.
- Why not? - Because you are not Sherlock Holmes
and this is real life.
But the police think that we did it.
You are more likely to end up getting hurt than you are
to catch any robbers.
I'm sorry. I cannot eat this box macaroni and cheese.
If we're going to be here for a while,
I'm going to get us some real food.
Do not go anywhere while I'm gone.
Remember, your very presence in this house is enough
to deter a robber.
-
I know your mom is being hard on you, but
- that's only because we know how much untapped potential-- -
Honey, life after high school is hard.
Figuring what you want to do with your life is hard.
- But you need a plan. Make a goal chart and-- -
Hey, sis. How's your goal chart?
-
That was nothing, right?
Yeah. Yeah, that was probably the heater.
So we don't have to check it out.
We should definitely check it out.
Shit!
Okay, I know Andy said not to do anything,
but I don't think we can just stay here and do nothing.
- Yeah. -
I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.
You know what? We could put a lock on the back door.
- Yeah. Let's do that. -
Okay. Do you think we should put some extra lights on timers?
Yeah! Ooh, let's put the tree on a timer.
-
- Madison, I found these great party pop-- -
Too long.
That...
That works.
Okay.
Close it. Close it. Close it.
Okay!
What?
Do you even know how to use that thing?
Nope. But if I could figure it out, I think it could be useful.
Uh-huh.
What the heck is this?
Okay.
What the--?
- Absolutely not. - What?
And definitely none of that.
And, actually, I don't care about that.
Oh, really?
Well, I was 18 once too, you know.
But I do not drink and play with knives.
We're just trying to protect ourselves.
Or at least make some sort of alarm system.
Well, this is more likely to harm you than any intruder.
All right.
You want to protect yourselves like responsible adults?
- Yes! - Yes!
What the?
How long has that been there?
- A while. -
Madison.
Here you go, Jimmy.
Hold it like Madison.
All right.
You have to chamber a round.
Otherwise you'll look like a fool with no intent.
Oh, so just like--
For Pete's sake!
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Thank you.
These are BB guns.
Take it.
You'll be able to scare people off, but you won't really be able to hurt anyone.
- Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ.
Just--just take it from him.
Ah.
Here are some items you can actually use.
A pocket knife?
In the right hands a pocket knife can provide
a person shelter, food, and security.
Making it an important asset to mankind.
Aw. It has such a small blade.
That one has a flashlight.
Okay. So now, we keep watch.
And hope what we fear will never come.
- All quiet on the east side. - All clear on the lake side.
Have there been serial robberies like this in the past?
Luckily, no.
Well, why do you think they're breaking in
and robbing people now?
Hard to say. It's different for each robber.
I think these robberies are crimes of opportunity.
Do you guys want to watch Santa Clause Conquers the Martians ?
Ooh. - Santa did what?
It's a really good movie. And!
We can play a really fun drinking game while we watch it.
- We should keep a lookout. - Why?
I mean, the sun is setting. We're not going to be able
to see much in the dark anyway.
Can we just take a short break? Please?
Wouldn't a movie playing deter people from breaking in?
Or we could play a game!
What game?
Why don't you teach us a game that you like to play?
Ooh, you show you yours, I'll show me mine.
Kings are worth four points.
Queens three. Jacks two. Aces are worth eleven.
And then tens are worth ten.
Okay. And nines are nine?
- Uh, no. Zero. - What about eights?
Uh, zero.
Seven?
Zero. And, no, you don't play with any cards under seven.
O--okay.
You'll figure it out.
- When do you drink? - Whenever you damn well please.
What if the number of points you score
is the number of seconds the person to your left has to drink?
Why must everything turn into a drinking game?
Now, can we just drink and play a game?
Let's just play something else!
So, whatever the value of the card that is in your set
that's the number of seconds you have to drink.
What are these cards in the middle here?
Oh, no. It's way easier to understand the command cards first.
So if someone flips over an ace,
the person across from them has to pound the table and shout
"Two for all." If they don't, they have to finish their beer.
I'm not playing this game.
Look at their helmets.
Look at his beard.
How long is this movie?
It's 81 glorious minutes.
- He said Santa! - Drink!
...supposedly frozen individual moves!
- It's rule number nine. -
Okay. Andy won. Wake up. Uncle Andy won.
Every time a Martian gets attacked by a toy, you drink!
Madison! - Straight line.
I forgot to pack my toothbrush.
Okay. That's a lot of information. Just keep going.
- I can do it myself! - No, Jimmy! Be careful! Just--
Oh, don't forget--
- Shit! -
Yeah. That.
I'm okay!
-
Hey, kiddo. I thought you went to bed.
I, uh, haven't heard you play in a while.
Forgot how much I missed it.
Thanks.
So how's our young Jimmy?
Alive. For now.
What's on your mind?
Maybe my mom was right.
Probably.
She thinks Jimmy's too immature for me.
What do you think?
- I asked you first. - You did?
Well, do you think that Jimmy's too immature?
I do not think that Jimmy is too immature for someone who
does not go to school and does not have a job.
I knew it. My mom was wrong.
- Huh. -
Come on! Remind me why you're with him again?
- He's funny. - Yeah, he's amusing sometimes.
- But he doesn't realize it. - Okay. But that
is probably because he does not care what other people think.
Yes, and that was cute when he was 10.
You know, a first love is complicated.
Especially with someone you grew up with.
Phone's dead.
You'll be fine.
I've lived my whole life without a cell phone.
- And I've somehow survived without it. - Hm.
You know who made that?
Yeah, my dad.
You remember him?
Yeah.
I mean, they're faint memories, but they exist.
Yeah. Sure.
Guess that's your cue to go up to bed.
I'll take the first watch down here.
And I will take the first shift watching Jimmy.
Good.
Oh, uh, Uncle Andy?
Thanks again. For everything.
Anytime.
Do you think that one looks like an empty summer home?
Fuck, is that light always on?
Mm. I don't remember.
What about that one?
Yeah, I think they live in Chicago.
All right.
Shit! - Just stay there.
We thought no one was in the house.
Get back over here. Get over here!
Sit down, old man!
How many other people are in the house?
Just me.
So, what now?
Shhhh, shhhhh.
Okay, how drunk are you?
- Mm. - Okay.
I'm going to take my hand off your mouth, but you have to be quiet.
- We're being robbed. - What?
Jimmy!
Okay. I need your phone. I'm gonna call 911.
And your phone is dead.
Yeah. It's my bedtime story. It helps me sleep.
Okay. Um, I'll just drive to the police station.
- I got our coats. Come on. - Okay.
Hands! Hands!
All right.
Ooh, why don't we try this sheepshank one?
- Huh? - The sheepshank.
I know how to tie a fucking knot!
Okay.
Madison!
- Okay! Jimmy, toss me the keys. -
Are you serious? Okay.
All right.
- Jimmy. -
These are not Andy's keys.
Fuck! They're not?
In what world do you think that these are Andy's keys?
I'm sorry. Can we still use them?
No. we cannot still use--
What?
I don't--I don't understand.
- What's wrong? - I don't know.
Oh, shit. It's a stick. Umm. Do you know how to drive stick?
No. Do you?
No, of course not.
Why else would I ask you if I knew how to drive--
- Holy shit! - Get out of my truck!
- It's the fucking Hodags again! - Okay, okay! Okay.
Get the hell out of my truck!
You're really gonna want to get out now!
- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Fuck! Fuck!
Get the fuck out of my goddamned truck.
Now.
All right. Give me your cell phone.
They're dead. You don't have to--
- Even better. Give it to me anyway. - You too!
- I don't have a cell phone. - That's impossible.
I really don't.
He's telling the truth.
What? I don't understand that.
How can you just not have a phone?
Fuck. We don't have enough rope to tie everyone up.
Well, um, why don't we just tie his shoelaces together?
There's more rope in the garage.
Okay.
Just stay here. Watch them. Nobody moves.
Yeah. Okay.
Nobody moves!
You know, I actually have to say I kind of appreciate
how cooperative you guys are being, 'cause, to be honest,
this is my first time ever having a hostage.
So, um...
have any of you guys ever been robbed before or anything?
- Well, this is the second time I've been robbed. - Oh.
But the first time I've ever been held hostage.
Oh cool, cool. That's cool.
Umm...
Wait a second. I feel like I've seen you guys before somewhere.
Oh, that's, uh, weird.
Hey, listen, I--I just, I'm gonna be honest, you know,
since this is your first hostage thing.
So this rope that's tying my legs together,
it seems a little loose.
- Really? - Yeah, I um...
I don't think he did a great job with the knot.
Hm. Yeah, the knot's no good. You should've used a square knot.
Square knot?
I can teach you. - Yeah?
Okay!
Now you take one end in each hand.
Okay. - And then you take the right end
and throw it over the left.
Right over left. - Yeah.
And then pull it under.
And then take the left end and cross it over the right
and then pull that under.
Yeah, that's great. Oh. That's amazing. Good job!
- Yeah. And then you pull both ends. -
Pull both ends. Cool!
It's really simple but it looks really fancy! Aw, good!
Hey baby, I made a triangle knot!
Square knot. - A square knot!
Where the fuck is the other kid?
Oh, he was here just a second ago! - Fuck!
Don't shoot!
Get back over here!
- What the fuck was that? - It was just a party popper.
- A party popper? - It's a homemade alarm system.
Yeah, we set them up all over the house.
Oh, that's actually a really good idea.
Oh, is it?
So there's more of these? Jesus.
Here, tie him up with that fancy new knot you just learned.
It's a square knot.
Um, okay, if you could just have a seat.
Uh, sure. Right here? Yeah, okay.
- Shit!
-
- Right over left. Left over right.
- Goddamn it!
Air horn?! Air horn?!
I'm gonna kill that kid.
That looks kinda good.
I'm kinda proud of myself.
- You little shit! -
Outside. Now!
-
Guys, those are the Hodags!
- What Hodags? - You know Hodags aren't real.
No, I know that Hodags aren't real.
Those are the Hodag masks that I saw at the Beckers' last night.
Yeah, Jimmy!
I think we all kind of figured they were the same robbers.
Yeah. But now you know I didn't make the Hodag thing up.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
- So what's our next move?
We're going to cooperate.
What? - What?!
I just really feel like we could fix it.
It's such a tiny little bullet hole.
I'm not gonna patch tires with duct tape
like a fucking asshole!
There's a tube of super glue in that bin that might be of use.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
- What? - Just go outside.
So we're just gonna sit here and watch them rob our house?
- They have a gun, Madison. - We have a BB gun!
We are going to cooperate so the situation doesn't escalate.
This isn't working. How are we gonna get to New Orleans?
New Orleans? You're worried about New Orleans, baby?
I'm worried about how we get out of the fucking driveway!
Can't we...can't we just take their truck?
And leave ours for the police to find it? Come on.
What is this? What are you doing?
I am going to make this worth our time.
What are you--
What is--
Not the canoe!
Please?
Huh?
My dad, um, made that for me. Just--
it's not worth anything. I swear.
Thank you.
Uh, could you leave Santa Clause Conquers the Martians ?
Seriously? - What?
It's a really good movie.
Doesn't sound that great.
Oh, it's actually highly entertaining.
- Yeah. Okay.
Yes. -
Super glue doesn't do shit!
You--you could use the spare tire.
I only have one.
But I also have one.
I believe my car keys are on the kitchen counter.
Shit. Yeah. That'll work.
Missed one. Give me this.
Did you guys also want some water?
- Sure! - That would be awesome.
Okay. Oh! Uh, okay. Here we go. And...
Okay, all right, let's see.
- Aw! - Some for you.
Thank you!
- Oh. - Awesome.
- Very much appreciated. - For you!
Okay, yeah! That's good.
Oh. Uh...
That's not gonna work.
- Um. - You know what? There--there's straws,
uh, in the drawer under the microwave.
- Oh, my God, she's so nice! - Mm-hm.
Oh! - Found 'em!
- Aw, that is so sweet! - Thank you!
- Very kind of you. - And...
There and perfect! There we go.
That's good, so...
Oh. I guess that's not really much better.
No. Perhaps if you move those stools from the other room
in front of us, it might be a good height for the straws.
That's a great idea! Yeah! Okay.
- In here? - Yeah.
- That was a great idea. I get it.
- There you go. - Okay!
That's great.
Uh. Can you hold this for me?
And then we'll do this guy.
- Here. - Nice!
And uh...
Thank you!
- This guy, and then, oh yeah! That's like, perfect. -
There ya go! Yeah!
- I like your necklace. - Mm?
Oh, thank you!
- Can I have it? - What? Oh, uh.
Well, Jimmy gave it to me.
Oh, you can just give it to her.
- I got it out of a vending machine. -
- I'm sorry, you what? - Oh, boy.
What the hell is this?
Well, they were thirsty. So I--
What?
Well, I didn't want to be rude!
Any--any more rude. You know?
Baby, please. We are almost out of here.
Just grab some more pillow cases and meet me in the garage.
Hey, so. What was the plan with the stools?
- What? -
The stools? Didn't you have her move them over here so we could
do something with them?
Listen to me, we are going to cooperate.
Okay, Uncle Andy. Let me ask you this.
What happens if that guy snaps?
Do you have those pocket knives I gave you?
- Yeah! - All right, now.
Give me one just in case.
- Yeah. It's in my back pocket. - All right.
Oh, you know what? I'm kinda sitting on it. Let me just--hang on.
Whoa! Jimmy, be careful!
Jimmy, come back this way! -
Oh, oh. -
Got it? - Okay. Got it!
Yeah, right there. Okay!
Ow!
Oh!
Are you okay? - Is it bad?
- Oh, that's a lot of blood. - Is it broken?
The fuck happened? - I got booby-trapped!
You shouldn't have taken off your mask!
What?
Now they know who the fuck you are!
Do you have any idea how fucked we are?
They weren't--they're not gonna tell!
- Oh, really? - We won't. We promise.
- They're not gonna tell! - Stop!
I can assure you we will not.
I'm actually terrible with faces.
- See, we're good! - No!
Now we need to--
We need to talk in private.
We need to get to the basement.
Put that up to your nose. Come on, keep your head back.
- Where are we going? - Just get in the truck.
What are you doing?
Just try not to get blood everywhere.
Come on. Okay. Get in.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! The BB gun!
Where the hell is he going?
I don't know! Jimmy!
Where the fuck did you go?
Do not make me look for you!
Patrick, baby. What are you doing?
I'm getting rid of them.
Where are the others?
I don't know. They must be hiding somewhere in the house.
Wait!
Um. We can't get rid of him now.
'Cause they'll never come out if he's dead.
Fuck. This situation is so fucked!
I'm sorry. Okay, I'll fix it!
Hey kids, you can come out because we have your dad.
We have your fucking dad!
How do you check for a pulse again?
He's just unconscious.
Maybe they're upstairs.
Okay, here's our chance.
We'll get out and we'll get Andy, okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me try. -
- Shit. -
Just stop. Okay. You're going to make too much noise. Okay?
The bedroom door is probably open.
- Shit.
Okay. Um...
Fuck. Fuck.
Look, is there another way out of here?
No, there's not another way out of here.
Well, then what the fuck are we supposed to do?
We're gonna wait. Yeah. That's it.
We're just gonna wait.
We're gonna wait and, um, and the robbers are gonna leave eventually.
And--and Andy will wake up.
Andy's definitely gonna wake up. And, uh--
- No. I've got an idea. - What?
I'm gonna shoot through the ceiling as a distraction.
- You're gonna run up the stairs when they open the door--
Jimmy! Jimmy! Just stop! Okay? Just stop!
I am so sick of your stupid ideas that always end up
with you hurting yourself or someone else getting hurt.
I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help us out of a deadly
- situation where someone-- - Okay, look. You know what--
- ...is trying to shoot us. - ...would help? You know what
would help? Is if you acted like an adult
for five fucking seconds.
- I do act like an adult! I have a job. - Shhh!
I have a job.
I go to work. You just sit here and write letters about
- your fucking stupid goldfish! -
You have a job? You deliver weed. They pay you in edibles.
Yeah. They do pay me in edibles. Edibles that you happily eat.
I don't need edibles to be happy.
What do you need to be happy, Madison?
Because all I'm trying to do is fucking make you happy.
I just want to make you happy.
And apparently I can't do that anymore
no matter how hard I try. So.
I had no idea I was making you feel like this.
Yeah.
We're gonna need each other
if we're gonna make it through the rest of the night.
So what now?
Um...
We wait.
And hope that Andy wakes up.
Hey, Patrick. Can you come here, please?
I think he's still alive.
If you find the others, just shoot them.
Where are you going?
To get rid of him.
Uh. Okay. We--we have to get out of here.
We have to get out of here now.
I think I can break this open.
What the hell are you doing? Jimmy? Ugh!
- Shit!
- Can't you-- -
I know you're in there.
They found the trap door.
I'm coming in!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We should just wait it out.
They'll never find us down here.
And then we can figure out how to open the door when they're gone.
This was your plan.
I know.
We have to help Andy, okay. We can't just wait here anymore.
Madison, Madison!
Hello?
Hello.
My name's Madison.
Okay.
My boyfriend's name is Jimmy,
and my uncle's name is Andy.
He's your uncle? I-- I thought that was your dad.
Oh. You know what? I could see how that would be confusing.
Yeah.
So...
Patrick. Is he your boyfriend?
Yeah.
What was your name again?
Christine.
Christine, you don't... have to do this.
What other choice do I have?
Well, what do you want?
Well, I don't want to go to jail.
You won't. No, I promise, we would all testify for you.
We just have to stop Patrick and help my uncle.
He's--he's really angry. You don't--
You don't know what it's like when he's angry.
-
Why are you with him?
He takes care of me, I guess.
Why are you with your boyfriend?
He's fun.
Oh. Okay.
I bet it's really fun to have somebody else to boss around, huh?
Oh Christine. Christine, don't cry, okay!
Everything's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be okay.
- Okay. - We just need to help my uncle.
Okay.
Where are you?
Oh, yeah. Um, we're under the bedroom door.
What?
How is that possible?
You know, just, just close the bedroom door.
Okay. It's closed.
Has that been here the whole time?
Yeah. It's crazy, right?
- Okay, Jimmy. You got this? - Yeah!
I need the rifle. - No!
No, no! It's gonna be fine. Okay? I'm not--
I'm not gonna hurt Patrick. Okay?
I'm not gonna hurt him. Just--
Okay. Call 911. All right?
Just tell them you need an ambulance!
-
Stop!
Where's Andy?
He's in the canoe.
Drop the axe.
Why?
'Cause it's over.
Really?
Yeah. Christine called the cops.
Yeah. So you might as well give up now, Patty-boy.
Christine would never do that.
Oh, well she did.
In fact, you're gonna hear a siren going any minute now.
The police are still coming.
She--she definitely called them before she left.
So what's the plan?
We stand here until the police never come?
See who gets hypothermia first?
I bet you'll be the first
to lose feeling in your little fingers.
Well, if we get too cold, we could just shoot you.
Yeah, we'll just shoot you.
With your BB gun?
How did you--? But it looks so real!
I could always shoot you with your gun.
Yeah.
Don't come any closer. No!
I will shoot you. Do not come any closer.
I don't believe you have it in you.
You see I've known people like you my whole life.
You never worked a day. You had everything handed to you.
No.
- You're not gonna shoot me. -
Holy shit! I just shot him.
Holy shit! You just shot him.
Oh, my God, I just killed someone.
You did just kill someone.
Um, Andy?
Andy! Andy! Oh, my God. Are you okay?
This guy is not okay.
Are you okay? You're, like, okay?
Okay.
Okay. Are you breathing? You're breathing. All right.
Quite the wound.
Okay. It's going to be okay.
I don't know what to do. I need, like, a pressure thing.
Oh, that was a noise! That's good.
- Woah! Jimmy! What the fuck!
What are you doing?
I gotta get rid of the body!
What are you talking about? What? Why?
You always have to get rid of the bodies.
Okay. Now, we have to figure out how to clean up all the blood.
Jimmy, just--just--just stop. Okay? Just--just stop everything.
Oh.
I guess she did call the police.
Could you just explain to me one more time...
what the bubble wrap was supposed to do?
I just--I don't...
That's the part I don't get.
We were able to make our case that we acted in self-defense.
Though, Jimmy's case was a little more complicated.
Christine never made it to New Orleans.
She was spotted by state troopers and arrested
before she even got to Illinois.
Our parents not only forgave us for all of our stupidity
but...
they provided invaluable support that we gladly accepted
for the first time in a long time.
My Uncle Andy made a full recovery.
Well, basically.
Most nights I envy his inability to remember the robbery well.
Hey.
Well, and...
It's incredible how the worst of times
can bring out the best in people.
I never expected that the worst night of my life
would help me discover my best self.
Though it was an unfortunate chance that Patrick
and Christine chose to rob our house,
we chose to take certain actions to--
Wait, we--
"We chose to take certain actions to--"
That is super awkward. Uh...
Oh. Okay.
"It was our..."
"It was our actions that got us out of the house alive."
Yeah.
"I realize this is probably not the answer you were expecting
when you posed the question,
'What is the biggest obstacle that you have overcome?'
But I assure you that I bring a unique life experience
and a proven ability to work with...
difficult people.
I have persevered through the darkest night,
and I am prepared for the challenges ahead."
Madison!