(staticky)
- [James] They say
the day you record
your first comedy special
is a bit like your wedding day,
except you have to do it twice
and it's just you up there
and there are no,
there's no officiator,
and there's no vows,
and no flowers.
It's, it's I mean it's nothing,
I don't know.
No one says that.
Look guys I didn't
wanna do this,
but I just wanted
to get stuck in,
to the show.
Oh look a man's
offering me a Perrier,
but JR, the guy on
my right, your left,
he said I should open the
special with a sort of
behind the scenes video showing
how the artist prepares.
I said that was pretench.
He said saying
pretench was pretench.
I was tired and I think it
might have been stipulated,
I had to do it in the
contract, so here we go.
The artist ties his shoe laces.
That was a little
scene that we shot.
The artist eats
fruit from the rider,
that's a technical term for
all the stuff they leave
in the dressing room.
Gets groomed.
Not like that, but you
know hair and make up.
Drinks coffee.
Drinks more coffee.
Drink incredibly
too much coffee.
Panics and genuinely
considers doing a runner.
Employs Ranging Bull technique
to artificially
boost self esteem.
You're a funny guy.
Reads set.
Discards set.
Considers writing new set.
Visits stage.
- Thinks about Drew.
Who is Drew?
What makes him tick,
and why is he so in demand.
Wonders whether the
sign is big enough.
Questions whether size of
belly could be reduced in post.
Notices a lot of
pointing going on.
Tests out effectiveness
of pointing.
Enjoys pointing.
Resolves to point more often.
Marvels at all the people.
He never thought he'd
need so many people:
the people pressing buttons,
the people operating
cameras and lights,
the person outside
scaring the audience.
Is rendered incapable of
forming complete sentences.
But when I'm,
when we, can you?
Pretends to understand
technical jargon.
- Panics about trivial things.
Is left alone in the
dressing room for
an extended period of time.
Contacts agent to,
darn show called off.
Accepts this has all
been a terrible mistake.
Discovers fridge has Diet Coke,
performs cool cut away
shot for no reason.
Wonders if they really thought
he was gonna wear the jumper
with the big flower.
Generates distractions
to go with nerves.
(squirting)
Contemplates nature of the self.
Eats more fruit.
Remembers what the
cut away shot is for.
Is forced to make last
minute changes to material
to render it quote,
"less actively racist".
Expresses resentment for having
to do behind the scenes opener.
How long are you
going to be here for?
(staticky)
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
Hi everyone.
(audience clapping)
I spend an enormous amount
of time on the internet
doing stupid, stupid
things like reply to emails
that are not meant for me.
(audience laughing)
I do a lot of that.
I get a lot of emails
that are not meant,
different Veitch's,
different Veitch's.
I got an email that was
for Alan and Deb Veitch.
I have no idea who
these people are.
(audience laughing)
No idea.
But it was the--basically,
they were getting a,
they were getting a
swimming pool built,
and they've had
like an estimate.
And it was basically, it was
a guy called Lex Fischer.
Runs a company
called ReLex Pools
(audience laughing)
Let that sink in.
(audience laughing)
And the pool was 102 LF, and
I thought I'd give it a whirl.
I thought I'd just reply.
So I replied.
I said look what
does LF stand for?
And they got back to me
and they said LF stands
for linear feet.
Janice did not seem to
mind or notice the fact
that I was neither Alan nor Deb.
(audience laughing)
And I thought
that's interesting.
So she said,
"see attached plans".
Now guys these are the
plans they attached.
Now that's stub, see that's the,
their neighboring
house is there.
That's Alan and Debs house.
And the proposed swimming
pool on the top left.
And I wanna make one
thing very clear,
you should never reply to an
email that's not meant for you.
(audience laughing)
You shouldn't do it.
(audience laughing)
You should just let the
people know that they've made
a mistake and delete the email.
However,
(audience laughing)
looking at that,
I don't know about you,
but to me,
I just didn't think Alan and Deb
were gonna be happy with that.
(audience laughing)
Long term.
I said "Janice, I'm
gonna be frank."
(audience laughing)
"I'm unhappy with the
size of the pool."
(audience laughing)
She said, "Mr. Veitch,
it is not legal to build
on private property.
The pool is as large as it
can be without encroaching
on your neighbors property."
"Old Man McPherson?
(audience laughing)
He won't mind.
(audience laughing)
We're still skimping on
the size of the pool.
I don't want people to
come 'round and be like
'Where's the pool?'
Balls on the line Janice,
(audience laughing)
it needs to be larger."
(audience laughing)
"How much larger?"
Boom.
(audience laughing)
"That is not possible."
No shit Janice.
(audience laughing)
"We cannot build that
close to the property."
Well I took out the property.
(audience laughing)
I thought that she would
know that I was joking, right?
No, no, no, she said,
"Where will you live?"
(audience laughing)
I said, "Boom".
(audience laughing)
Guys I don't know why I do
some of the things that I do.
Well, I'm just not meant,
I don't think I'm meant
to be like an adult.
I always thought that
when I was growing up,
I always thought I'd realize
that I was suddenly an adult,
some sort of way.
I failed my first job interview.
This should tell you
something about me.
I failed my first job interview.
It was for a cashier
in a supermarket.
I failed, because, when they,
when they asked me
what's my weaknesses were,
I said organization
and punctuality.
(audience laughing)
And then when they asked
me what my strengths were,
I said Russian literature.
(audience laughing)
I just thought there would
be a way that you know
that you're a man.
You know what I mean. That
you know that you're like,
oh this is what adulthood
is and this is what,
oh okay I get it now,
and this is what I'm gonna do.
But thus the way you discover
you're a man is the way
I think everyone
discovers they're a man
which is like you're
walking down the street,
and then someone else is
walking down the street
with their child.
And they say to the
child, "Oh, mind the man."
And then you're like
oh, where's the,
I'm the man.
(audience reacting)
I am, uh, was thinking about
the fact that look everything
that I thought when I was
a child about adulthood,
is not come to fruition.
Everything I thought was
so simple as a child,
has become really
complicated and I was trying
to do this words and
I couldn't really,
so I did what I think
anyone would have done
in this situation.
I sent an email to
Kinder Surprise.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Guys, I'm having
some significant difficulty
putting together one
of your surprises."
It's really hard, and this
is coming from someone
with a masters
in mechanical..."
that is not true.
(audience laughing)
I should point that out. That's
a hundred percent not true.
They got back to me.
They said "Dear James,
thank you for email.
May I ask what difficulties
you are having?"
Said Stephanie on the
consumer relations team.
I said, "I've been
building the toy
for fifteen hours straight.
(audience laughing)
How do you expect children
to do this is beyond me!"
To put this in perspective,
I mean again,
(audience laughing)
that's a lie.
She said, "Our surprises
are designed to be assembled
by a child of three years."
I was not happy about that.
(audience laughing)
She said, "Normally all
our toys come with a set
of instructions.
Do you have those?"
And this is what I've
been waiting for.
I said, "Yes, actually
I can't help feeling
they could do with
being expanded.
See attached."
Now truth be told guys,
I did not have
those instructions.
I didn't even have
a Kinder Surprise.
(audience laughing)
But what I did have,
was two free days and I said,
as I think we've
already established,
a flair for Photoshop.
(audience laughing)
So remember to illustrate the
fact that I think that things
were so simple as a child,
have now become so
complex as an adult.
I sent them this.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
"Dear James,
I will send you vouchers
for a replacement."
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] Oh yes.
- Like I view my kind,
my life is material.
Everything I do I
just have fun with it.
I think, well,
here's an example.
It's get me into
trouble basically.
I went to the, I was invited
to the Melbourne
International Comedy Festival.
Really, really exciting
thing to be invited to.
And they invited me to it,
they sent me the plans of the
venue I was going to be at.
So they said look, that's
what it looks like,
that's the kind of layout,
that's the chairs, that's
the lighting rig, et cetera.
And I shouldn't of done this,
because this is a
professional engagement.
I don't know these
people, they don't know,
why do I do...?
There's something in me
that just makes me...
I don't know why.
I said "Guys, just
looking at the PDF,
I have one or two
fairly serious concerns.
Does this guy...
(audience laughing)
he thinks we can't
see him here but..."
(audience laughing)
When I went to the,
when I did the Melbourne
International Festival,
at the beginning, they have
this gala thing, big gala.
And what they do all
the comics come out
and they do five minutes of
stuff then you leave the stage.
All the comics, each one.
And then at the end of it,
what they do is they have
this big kind of thing
where they make all the
comedians come back on stage
and they play this really loud
music and they go, "Goodbye".
And they, like a
confetti cannon goes off.
The music comes on.
We're all meant to go like,
"Woo!"
But what's the point?
What is the point?
In anything, but
particularly in that?
(audience laughing)
What is the point?
And basically, I
just don't like...
Twice I tried to
hide in the bathroom,
and twice I've been caught.
And forced to go,
and this time they literally
pushed me on stage.
I did not know this
was filmed or aired.
You know what I mean?
I saw some of the,
but someone pointed
this out to me.
I only watched my bit.
I did not know this
had been filmed.
Someone pointed this out to me.
This is what happened.
See if you can spot
anything untoward.
- Now ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for
everybody you've seen tonight
as I welcome them
back on the stage!
(audience cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen thank
you so much, good night!
(audience laughing)
- They fucked me!
They completely fucked me.
Honestly that's the last thing
you saw before they adverts.
(audience laughing)
You know what that is?
- Good night!
(audience laughing)
I can't hide it.
I don't like tedium.
I don't like boring stuff,
and that's, what is the?
My life is 90% tedium.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't want to get
to the end of my life
and this is what I worry about.
I don't wanna get to
the end of my life
and discover I've been paying
attention to the wrong things.
I spent my life on too much TV,
but not things that are
genuinely important.
I recently, I discovered that
I'd spent the lion share of my--
and I'm old, I just moisturize.
(audience laughing)
I'd spent the lion share of my
life saying "my-zulled"
instead of mislead, when I
read it out, in a book.
I'd be like, oh, "my-zulled".
(audience laughing)
He was my-zulled. And a
friend said to me, he was like,
"Do you mean mislead?"
And I was like, "No."
(audience laughing)
You have been my-zulled.
(audience laughing)
I just worry that sort of
thing is gonna happen to me.
I'm gonna get to
the end of my life,
and realize I've been
doing something wrong
all the way through.
And the problem is,
there's so many things in
this world that we have
to pay attention to,
and it's hard enough to
discriminate the things
that are important and
the things that aren't
without companies
trying to pretend
that they're more
important than they are.
Here's a case in point.
I get my haircut in London at
a place called Headmasters.
(audience laughing)
Obviously.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
I can't, I just can't see.
(audience laughing)
Whenever I call up
to get my haircut,
I say, "Can I have an
appointment to cut my hair?"
And they say, "Well who do
you wanna cut your hair?"
And I say, "Preferably
someone who can."
(audience laughing)
And they say no, no, no James,
we have all these
different types of people.
We have like the Stylist,
the Senior Stylist, Designer,
Master Hair Designer, the Team,
what is the point in
like all these people?
They got a Master.
How am I supposed to know
that a Master Hair Designer
is not as good as
a Team designer,
or a Senior Consultant?
And what is, they've all got
their arbitrary price points
like how am I supposed to know
that a Master Hair Designer
is three pounds less
than a Team Designer?
What does that mean?
Also where'd you get
the stylist from?
Did you just drag
them off the street?
(audience laughing)
I thought they deserved
to be called out on this.
So I sent them an email.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Dear Headmasters,
I was pleased with
my recent haircut
until I saw my friend
Nige sporting his haircut.
I was devastated to
discover that despite
paying significantly
less than me,
Nige had come away with
a comparable haircut.
How do you account for this?"
(audience laughing)
They got in touch, they said,
"James, I'm really
sorry your appointment
left you less than satisfied.
What exactly were
you disappointed by?
Your feedback is really
important to us."
(audience laughing)
I said "Jennifer,
basically Nige always books
a Senior Stylist so I figured
by booking my appointment
with a Master Hair Consultant,
I was ensuring a
vastly better haircut.
But this was not the case.
Also I didn't get a biscuit
with my filter coffee
and he did."
(audience laughing)
I wanted to include
some kind of,
a picture, speaks,
says a thousand,
so I basically look we've
got the promise right?
And what I've done is
I've got all the kind of,
I don't think I'm
a normal comedian.
(audience laughing)
I mean I was looking at this
the other day and I was like
what the hell is that?
When did I make that?
Put yellow arrows and bits,
I don't even know
what formed that.
What am I doing?
Anyway, the promise,
I thought it resembled,
the reality,
much smaller margin
between Nige and I,
do you know what I mean?
So "James the class of stylist
is based on their experience.
I'm very sorry that
you feel Nige's haircut
is better than yours.
Your feedback is really
important to us."
(audience laughing)
And I said, "Oh,
I don't, Jennifer.
His haircut is definitely
worse than mine.
It's just that it's worse...
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience laughing)
(James laughing)
I said "I was seen by a
Master Hair Consultant,
by my calculations,
I walked out of the salon
just 16.92% shy of the elusive
a hundred percent
perfect haircut.
Yet, despite being cut
by a Senior Stylist,
Nige's hair looks like
it could have been done
by a Team Designer.
(audience laughing)
If I didn't know
better Jennifer,
I'd suspect Headmaster's of
fabricating arbitrary job titles
to make haircuts seem more
important than they are.
Also, Nige got a
biscuit and I didn't."
(audience laughing)
I wanted to include
some stats guys,
'cause you can't
rely upon words,
so obviously that's where
obviously Nige should be.
(audience laughing)
That's where Nige actually is.
That's me, perilously
close to me.
And that's really what we,
that's what we all aspire to.
(audience laughing)
That's the hundred
percent perfect haircut.
So "James my manager
is asking what you mean
when you say 100%
perfect haircut?"
I was really glad
she asked me this,
'cause this gave
me the opportunity.
I just, I meant
something like, you know.
(audience laughing)
"Dear James, I'm delighted
to say that we can offer
a free cut and
style, 30 minutes!"
I was like "It's amazing right?"
It's what great, to
be honest obviously,
a question had been
left unresolved,
so I sent her a pie
chart explaining
exactly what had happened.
(audience laughing)
It's fairly self,
it's like.
"I will make sure
there is a biscuit."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
The world filled
with distractions.
Even as something
as simple as walking
down the street, can be tough.
That's why I never
leave the house
without my Macintosh classic.
But I never leave the house,
but when I do,
I always have my Mac,
I just carry it
with me at all times
is what I'm saying.
Whenever a new
piece of technology
comes into the marketplace,
people are intimidated by it.
I'm not a teacher,
but as an early adulter,
I lead the way.
And I teach people,
so I am also a teacher.
But with an eight
megahertz processor,
I can pound out spreadsheets
like there's no tomorrow.
But there is a tomorrow,
and it's right after today.
And when the
workload gets heavy,
I bust out my ideal setup.
I'm James Veitch.
I take each day as it comes.
The computer does the hard work.
Portability's key,
whether it be writing report,
updating a spreadsheet,
or doing other business things.
With a Macintosh Classic,
I don't have to be
chained to my desk.
With just a few adjustments,
I can be anywhere.
(soft music)
James Veitch, Disruptor.
(staticky)
I think we need
more magic in the world.
That's why I don't like the TV.
I think we need to do more,
so I just do stupid thing,
again I don't know why.
I don't know if you saw
the thing with the ducks?
And the thing with the ducks,
I was basically harassing
my family, by essentially,
by putting more and
more ducks or different...
It's a long story.
(audience laughing)
But basically, I went
out into that bathroom.
I would also do something else.
Which if this gets
aired, she'll discover.
I went in there and
I picked up her,
I picked up her conditioner
in the bathroom.
And if that conditioner
was less than half full,
I would take it into my bedroom
where I bought the
same brand conditioner.
And I would kind of refill
it to like about 2/3 full.
And I would sort of,
I would cover my
tracks as best I could.
(audience laughing)
And then I would put it
back in the bathroom.
(audience laughing)
I did that for a
year and a half.
(audience laughing)
And I never mentioned it.
And she never
mentioned it to me.
(audience laughing)
My question is this,
what did she think
was happening?
(audience laughing)
'Cause she didn't have to
buy conditioner for a year.
(audience laughing)
And the thing is she
must have noticed right?
Because I did it
to her conditioner,
but I did not do
it to her shampoo.
(audience laughing)
Still never told her.
I do, I do, a lot of
companies hire me now
to go around, to go
to the companies,
and go around the world,
and kind of do these kind
of keynote
presentations for them.
Because I use slides,
I think they think
they're learning.
(audience laughing)
I don't know how to tell them.
Every time I do it,
I mean I get these faces,
got company solos coming,
I go around, and I do a bit
for them and their companies.
It's a, it's a bit, soulless.
Every time I do, I
lose a bit of my soul,
um, but I gain
a bit of a house.
(audience laughing)
So it seems fair enough.
Every time I do it,
I have to sign a speaker form.
It's always the same. It's
always the same sort of form.
It says James
Veitch is his name,
then it says Title,
and I don't have a title.
All right well what do I put,
but the other person who
had written President.
So I was like, well
fuck it, you know.
(audience laughing)
You could say anything.
You know what I mean?
You could just, I don't
anyone checks these things,
because I've been doing
it every single way,
Vice CEO of the Chairman
Board of Chairmen.
(audience laughing)
Event Manager.
I said 100% Professional
Businessman.
(audience laughing)
James Veitch,
Senorio Importanzio
(audience laughing)
Is that a thing?
It sounds like it should be.
I'm single.
(audience laughing)
- [Woman] Woo!
- Obviously, nah, nah.
So I've been doing
some dating websites.
So I was on this one. I
was on Guardian Soulmates,
but they kicked me off.
They kicked me off,
because they said, "We're
writing to let you know
that your Soulmates profile
picture breached our terms
and conditions and won't be
available to other users.
Please note the following.
Profile pictures should
not contain people
other than yourself.
And this I found is very odd,
because, well,
this is the picture that I
was trying to make my profile.
That's legitimately.
(audience laughing)
Shit you not.
I just don't think girls
are gonna be confused
(audience laughing)
by who they're going
on a date with.
I sent them an email.
I said, "Look mate I need,
please I love that picture."
Reinstate the picture.
The duck works wonders."
And they got back to me.
This guy called Steve
at Soulmates
said it's been approved.
And I was like amazing,
but I was really annoyed with
them for having giving me
the runaround, and
it was a bit silly,
so I sent them a letter
from the duck.
(audience laughing)
"Dear Steve it's come to my
attention that James Veitch
has been using my image
without my permission."
(audience laughing)
And then he wrote a lot more
and then he had to sign it,
and it was quite, obviously,
just like a more of (stomping).
Do you know what I mean?
And then that was sort
of in for a penny,
so then I made an actual
profile for the duck.
'Cause why not right?
Just so I see what happens.
Now, despite them saying
that that duck is a person,
it wouldn't allow me
just to put a picture
of a duck up there. I
couldn't get away with it.
It would pop up a lot of things,
saying your profile
picture has been rejected
which really annoyed me,
because they said a
duck was a person.
So I discovered what you can do.
Is you can put that picture in,
and then you wait a few weeks,
and then you swap it out
for one that's very similar.
Watch very carefully.
(audience laughing)
You wait a few more weeks,
you swap it out again.
(audience laughing)
Pretty soon guys, pretty soon,
you've just gone full duck.
(audience laughing)
Had to answer some
questions about me.
I said height, that was
the lowest they'd go.
Hair, obviously, and
obviously star sign, you know.
(audience laughing)
In my own words,
"I'm just a duck
standing in front of a girl,
(audience laughing)
asking her to feed
me some bread."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Fuck me.
That's get an approval.
Wait for this guys.
Who I'm looking for?
"Someone who fits the bill."
Drop mic legend.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Had to do some sort of,
had to do some pictures.
So I picked the sort of
pictures that people normally do
on their kind of
Soulmates profile.
You know all their
dating profile pictures,
so I was like, well okay,
first of all, this is so me.
(audience laughing)
and then I work out!
Serious face.
You have like self,
classic selfie.
So a girl messaged me.
Message said "How does
he create the picture?
He's got no arms."
I'm like, "That's
your issue with this?"
(audience laughing)
You just sent a
message to a duck.
(audience laughing)
History is important.
Obviously, and then
you got your "awe",
and then that's just
me, just messing,
you know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
I know they're geese, now.
(audience laughing)
This is what I anticipate.
It's all fun and games
until James gets hurt.
Within the first two
weeks, I shit you not,
221 messages.
(audience laughing)
(audience reacting)
So what I did was
prove categorically
that I was basically
less attractive than a duck.
(audience laughing)
You're not in control of how
people see you really, are you?
On the internet particularly.
You have no control over
the way people view you.
I know this,
because when I was messing
the scammers for ages.
For and I think they
must have done something
to my Google search thing,
because for ages people
pointed this out to me.
When you search for me,
it says James Veitch,
and then it said people
also searched for,
and I was like "Holy shit!"
(audience laughing)
I don't think he
was funny at all.
(audience laughing)
Now people say stuff about it.
You can't control this.
People say, this guy wrote,
"Unfunny joke,
long pause and stare at the
audience until they laugh,
how has this wanker
made a career of this?"
I said, "By doing
literally that."
(audience laughing)
This guy wrote, "Pretty creative
as far as comedians go."
But then this other
guy wrote beneath it,
"I kinda thought the opposite."
I was like,
I wrote, "I mean he's
basically a loser
with too much time
on his hands."
(audience laughing)
But then you're not
in even control,
you're not even in control,
some girl, some person
wrote beneath that.
"You don't know him
personally, you have no right"
(audience laughing)
I was genuinely confused.
"James Veitch looks
like an adorable bug."
I will take it.
(audience laughing)
"I don't know why,
but I think you look like a
young Stephen Hawking in a way."
How young?
(audience laughing)
"And he's hot.
If you're into that
kind of thing."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
I can leave that pause
for so long.
(audience laughing)
'Cause everyone, and he's hot,
and I want everyone
to go "Yeah he is."
But instead you all
go like, "um-hum."
(audience laughing)
And the joke?
Now I'm doing all right.
Now if you search for me,
this is what happens.
Search for James Veitch,
it says related
James Veitch emails, hummus.
(audience laughing)
When it comes to
true portability,
it's hard to go wrong
with a Message Pad 130.
Whether it be crunching numbers
with on board calculator,
generating a virtual
business card,
or simply capturing
my whimsical ideas,
the Message Pad
130 has me covered.
Does your mind feel tangled up?
Ease the pressure by writing
down as much as you can.
It's called a brain dump,
and aided by Message Pad,
I've taken brain dumps all
over the London Underground.
Other people may choose
different devices.
Not everyone can take
the cutting edge.
But with storage for more
than 200 contact numbers,
I know I shan't
be alone for long.
James Veitch, Communicator.
(staticky)
You gotta be careful out there.
I was on Tinder,
and this girl called
Maurine messaged me.
She was really beautiful and
she said "Hey you around?"
And I was like, "Hello there."
In fact I actually, I
said, "Hello there."
(audience laughing)
And then she said,
"I just wanna say I
think you're very sexy."
And I was like ooh,
glad someone has noticed.
I said well "You ain't so
shabby yourself Maurine.
What do you do?
And she said, "I'm tired,
I've had such a long day."
And I said "Likewise.
Plans for the weekend?
It wouldn't have
escaped your attention,
I was bringing some quality
banter to the situation.
This was, this was.
(audience laughing)
And then she said, she said,
"I'm feeling a bit naughty."
(audience laughing)
I know.
(audience laughing)
That's exactly what I thought.
And I said, "Not
declaring income naughty
or naughty naughty?"
(audience laughing)
'Cause I know which one I am.
(audience laughing)
The income one,
it's the income one.
She said, "Do you like girls?"
(audience laughing)
I was like okay, I said, well
"I loved the first season."
(audience laughing)
(James giggles)
She said "Going to
change my clothes.
Want to watch?"
I was like, I
mean, "Not really."
(audience laughing)
Do you wanna watch me
de-scale the kettle?
What are we doing here?
Why?
Then she said, "I'm naked.
What are you wearing?"
And I was like well
okay, I'll play along.
I said "I'm wearing
chinos and an Apple Watch,
and not much else."
Unless you count my, you
know, all the other things.
(audience laughing)
And then she said,
it really escalated very,
'cause she said "Have you
ever made a girl cum?"
And I was like well,
(audience laughing)
"Almost certainly."
(audience laughing)
But I was beginning
to get a bit suspich.
'Cause she had not been
replying to any of my questions.
She'd just been like,
it seems she'd just
been sending a series
of predefined statements,
and I was beginning to think
that maybe she was like
a sex robot and not
in like a good way.
In a like way that she's just,
she's designed to get
me to click a link.
I click the link,
I go to some sort of sex site.
There are loads of beautiful
girls, that are naked.
I start going back to the site.
I become obsessed.
I make like a login.
I start spending a lot of
money on the site.
I get spiraled into debt.
I don't know, I've never
clicked the link,
but I thought maybe
I'd try something.
Have you ever heard
of the Turing Test?
Okay, if you haven't,
it's a test invented in 1930
by Benedict Cumberbatch
designed principally
(audience laughing)
to test whether
someone's a robot or not.
So I said, (James
vocalizing), gobbly goo.
And then she said
"click join2Watchcam."
I was like, "awe".
I said "Your feedback..."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Whenever I book an appointment
for the doctors online,
well first of all
I don't know if,
I do it, I love doing this.
I just treat it like a shop.
I just google the symptoms
for the medication I want.
(audience laughing)
And I get there, I
say "I have this."
And the doctor says, "Well
we have nothing for that."
And I say, "Well I think if you
check your computer thing
you'll discover that Valium
will be very effective.
(audience laughing)
Anyway I go to the doctors,
and whenever I go there,
they ask me to
confirm my booking.
And they ask me to enter my
reason for the appointment.
This bothers me,
because you know I'll
just tell the doctor,
like the good ole days.
I don't need to enter my reason,
become part of the stats
it's often a personal thing.
So I wrote "Concerned
I'm going to die."
(audience laughing)
And they didn't like that.
They wouldn't give
me the appointment.
So next time I wrote,
"Death is inevitable!"
(audience laughing)
I did get the appointment,
but this is not recommended,
because what that meant was I
had to spend like 20 minutes
explaining to the doctor
I was not depressed.
(audience laughing)
She was like "But you've
written, death is inevitable."
I said, "It is.
(audience laughing)
Did they not? They should
have told you this on day one.
(audience laughing)
This is a losing battle
you are fighting here."
(audience laughing)
And then because of
that interaction,
she was a bit flustered
and what she said
basically I think what she,
she really got
the wording wrong.
What she wanted to say was,
have you had suicidal thoughts?
But she really messed
up the wording,
'cause what she
actually said was,
"Have you considered suicide?"
(audience laughing)
I said, "I didn't even
know that was an option."
(audience laughing)
I can see three possible
treatments Mr. Veitch,
there is psychodynamic therapy,
there is of course medication,
or and I know this may
sound unconventional,
you could just end it all.
(audience laughing)
I went to see a
therapist a while ago,
and they gave me, I wanted
to just speak to a person,
but again they gave me
this form to fill in.
They said "You can't see
someone until you filled in
the Adult Intake
Assessment form."
And I was like "Can I not
just speak to someone,
and then I'll fill in the
form if I need therapy."
And they said, "No, no, you
have to fill in the form."
So I went to the waiting room,
and I filled in the Adult
Intake Assessment form.
The first question was,
"What do you consider to
be the top three stresses
in your life?"
And number one, right up there,
was obviously Adult
Intake Assessment forms.
(audience laughing)
Really, you know,
and then the second, of
course would be followed
by the formal
classification of ineffable
and principally
subjective thoughts,
for the purpose of generalized
psychometric analysis.
(audience laughing)
Airport security.
(audience laughing)
And then I went back
to the reception area
and I said, "Look, I
filled your form."
And she said, "No,
no turn the page."
And there was another one.
There was another one.
This one was a
multiple choice form,
and I was like "Can I not?"
They said, "No you have to
fill in that form as well."
I was like all right.
This was a multiple choice form,
and the first question
was "How often do you
misplace things at home?"
And I said "Often."
And then they said "How
often do you have difficulty
getting things in order?"
And I said well "rarely",
but then I realized I'd had
some difficulty and actually
got these in the wrong...
(audience laughing)
"How often do you make
careless mistakes when you have
to work on a boring
or difficult project?"
And I said absolutely "Never".
(audience laughing)
I was having a great time.
"How often do you find yourself
unable to make decisions?"
I spent a long time
thinking about this one.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Sometimes."
But then I realized
I don't know.
"When you're in a
conversation,
how often do you find yourself
finishing the sentences
of the..."
I was like "literally
all the time."
(audience laughing)
Got in to see the therapist.
It was great fun,
'cause you get to
answer all the fun ones
like she was saying to me,
she was just asking
me all of these...
She would say, "Do
you ever not listen
to the question
that was asked?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry what?"
Best question was the last one.
She said "I'm so sorry James,
I have to ask you this,
"Do you ever hear voices?"
And I went like this, I went,
(audience laughing)
"No."
(audience clapping)
You know in your passports,
you have like emergency contact.
That's a British passport,
but your American passport,
you'll have emergency
contacts in them.
Has anyone filled those in?
Has anyone filled
in the emergency?
Yeah who have you put in?
- [Woman] My dad.
- Your dad.
Anyone else? Yeah
who have you put in?
- [Woman] Mom and dad.
- It'd be cool if you
put in her dad.
(audience laughing)
It'd be really weird.
Anyone else?
One over here.
Who have you put in?
- [Woman] My sister.
- Your sister.
I just put Matthew McConaughey.
(audience laughing)
I don't know him.
He doesn't know me,
but I think if
there's an emergency,
he'll know what to do.
(audience laughing)
I was, I spelled
Beverly Hills wrong.
(audience laughing)
I apologize for that.
I carry this passport
everywhere I go.
Which means that if
something happens to me,
Matthew McConaughey
is gonna have to be
the one who relays the
information to my family.
(audience laughing)
Which means it's gonna be
double edge isn't really,
'cause my mom's gonna be
like well something terrible
happened to James,
but guess who told me?
(audience laughing)
I put him on everything.
I'm like I put him on
every, all the thing,
I just put him on all these
different, Matthew McConaughey.
Every time, I just put him.
Here's what I think
should happen.
I want everyone,
because who's not put anyone in
the emergency contact
in their passport?
Go home, pull it out,
put McConaughey in.
(audience laughing)
Guys if I get enough, if we
get enough people to do this,
we can change his entire career.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't that be amazing?
We could change his entire...
If enough people do it,
imagine if I get like
40, 50 million people
to put Matthew McConaughey in
as the emergency contact.
Eventually, the passport people,
they'd just start printing it.
Yeah but if would
enough people do,
we may as well just
print it in there,
so you get McConaughey
and one more.
(audience laughing)
Someone filled in the
second emergency contact?
No?
I just put McConaughey in again.
(audience laughing)
I put his, use his Austin,
I found his actual
cell phone number.
I haven't called it, but I
think it's gonna be amazing
'cause they're gonna go like,
this is ridiculous we can't get
a hold of Matthew McConaughey,
who's next?
Keep trying.
(audience laughing)
So I got a few scams for you.
So basically the best scams,
the best ones to have fun
with are the ones that pretend
to come friends of yours,
because you can just say
anything you want to.
You can set traps.
I got one from my
friend Catherine,
or reporting to be from
her. It said, "Dear James,
Our journey has turned sour."
Classic Catherine.
(audience laughing)
"We misplaced our wallet,
passport, and cell phone.
I will indeed be grateful
if I can get a loan of
1,800 euro from you."
And I say, "Catherine
of course I can help?
Is everything okay?
How's Keith doing?"
(audience laughing)
So "James, I'm so
glad you replied back.
Are you heading?"
It was always Western Union.
I said, "Of course.
Don't worry!
How's Keith though?"
He said, "James, Keith
is fine. He's having now
with the British embassy to
get replacement passports."
So quick thinking.
"Please go to Western Union."
I said, "I'll pop along
first thing tomorrow."
I must say though,
Keith seems remarkably
capable...
(audience laughing)
I remember he could roll over,
he could woof for a treat,
now he's taking meetings
at the British embassy?"
(staticky)
Photography for me
is not just a job.
It's a way of life.
I mean it's not my job,
but it's also a way of life.
It's a way of
looking at the world,
and just seeing what's there,
and that's why I use my
QuickTake 100 for all my shots.
James Veitch, Photographer.
♪ To be so hallow ♪
♪ To be like nobody else love ♪
♪ That's how I love you more ♪
(clicking)
♪ Beyond the midnight ♪
♪ Beyond the words that
I thought were so wise ♪
♪ Beyond the reason why ♪
♪ No I don't have an answer ♪
♪ I only know I'm with you ♪
(staticky)
When I was replying
to scam emails,
I learned to spot all the
different types of scams
like you've all heard
of the Nigerian prince,
but you might not have heard
of the altruistic widow,
or the cash of gold a
soldier finds in a rock.
Those are equally
ubiquitous scams,
but the hardest ones for me
to deal with being single,
were the honey traps,
because beautiful girls would
email me out of the blue,
and they'd be like "I love you."
And I'd be like, "I genuinely
wish this would be the case."
(audience laughing)
And they were
really well written,
well three dimensional
characters.
Elena, oh she was amazing.
Elena said, "I am
a girl who loves
to give people
happiness always."
Which is amazing,
'cause that's exactly the sort
of girl I was looking for.
(audience laughing)
"My hobbies are reading novels,
jogging, listening to music,
cooking, listen to
music, TV and movies."
I said, "That's amazing,
my hobbies are playing
piano and guitar,
pining of girls, worrying
about climate change,
pining for girls, and the
poetry of John Keats."
(audience laughing)
She sent me a picture of her.
She was really beau--, look at
that, she's so beautiful.
That was genuinely. That was
the picture and I was like wow,
she's, I said that's "Amazing!"
Obviously.
(audience laughing)
Then she meant, she
said, "This is me,
and my passport."
I know, I was like, well okay
what do we, ya know...
What are we doing?
She said "All men look
on my visual aspect,
and I want somebody who
will look inside me."
Grow up.
(audience laughing)
I said, "I'm so sorry
you haven't found anyone
to look inside you yet."
(audience laughing)
Here's something
interesting right.
She's trying to scam me,
but I'm also kind of
trying to scam her.
I'm trying to pretend
to be the person
who I think she wants me to be.
Because basically I was
getting loads of material
out of this.
So I was like wanting
to keep it going,
and I thought who is
Elena's ideal mark?
Who does she wanna scam?
So I said this,
I said, "I've made
a lot of money,
but I don't have
anyone to spend it on.
It just sits in a Swiss
account earning interest.
How boring.
(audience laughing)
Don't go thinking I'm some
sort of business mogul,
I'm not.
I just made a few shrewd
investments along the way."
(audience laughing)
It's basically, it's basically,
the reason is
always so misguided,
because basically when I was
writing to all the scammers,
my desk was in my kitchen.
So they were like "What
should we invest in?"
I was like I don't
know, oh hummus.
That's why it's always
a toaster, and the kettle,
and the microwave.
But it's gotten a
bit out of hand.
One of these went a bit viral
and then someone
messaged me last year.
They screen shotted the chat
that they had with a scammer,
where they said to the scammer,
"What should we invest in?"
And the scammer said, "Hummus."
(audience laughing)
What the fuck is going on?
(audience laughing)
Maybe high priority,
guys potentially this same
show is going on in Nigeria,
just the other side of it.
(audience laughing)
"I wish I has someone to
share my life and wealth with.
Someone to keep me from those
bi-weekly money bonfires
I have in the garden
for tax purposes."
(audience laughing)
She said, "I believe you
are very attractive man.
(audience laughing)
I'm excited and my head
is like any big station
with a lot of voice!"
"How long...?"
She sent me a picture
of herself right.
This is another
picture she sent me.
She sent me a picture of her
holding a piece of paper,
and on that piece
of paper is written,
my email address,
which I've since
had to to redact,
because of all of you
mother fuckers sending me,
sending emails
saying "Hey KitKat,
how about some hummus?"
(audience laughing)
I can't cope with it anymore.
(audience laughing)
All right, it would seem that
that's proof that it's her.
That she's the one
sending the emails,
but no it's not.
What's happened basically
is it got probably a guy
who's taken a series of
pictures of a beautiful girl.
One of her in a shop, another of
her holding a passport for you,
of which I have not shown you,
and then one of her holding
up a blank piece of paper.
And then every time he
wants to scam someone,
he just uses Photoshop to
put their email address
on the piece of paper.
And that's when I
realized something.
I realized I have a copy
of Photoshop as well.
(audience laughing)
So I popped it in there,
and I sent her this.
I said, "Hi Elena, really
good to hear from you.
Using the piece of
paper to communicate.
Superb idea."
And I didn't hear
anything from her,
so I thought I'd just,
I was like okay well let's make.
(audience laughing)
And I didn't hear anything back,
so I went thermal nuclear,
and I sent her like,
"Ah...".
She is Russian, so
it makes sense even.
(audience laughing)
I've no real way of beginning
this apart from saying
that I think it was just
because I was bored.
But I put a flux capacitor
for sale on Craigslist.
(audience laughing)
Do you know,
it's from the "Back
to the Future" movies.
If you have one of these,
you can travel back
and forth in time.
(audience laughing)
And I put one up for sale.
I said, "I discovered I had
an extra one after a fuck-up
in the space time continuum
that now means I have two
of everything."
Now I put it up for
sale. This, this took a...
I do these things.
I just pop 'em out there,
and I just see if some,
and then eventually, basically,
I just waited to see if someone,
and eventually I did reply.
A guy called Joe Lawson
replied, he said,
"So I can use this to go
back to the future right?"
Question mark, question
mark, smiley face.
And I said, "You
certainly can, Joe!"
But crucially, I now
had Joe's email address.
(audience laughing)
Which is not a strong
position for him to be in.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, because it
was a flux capacitor,
because it was a time machine.
What I then did, is
I went to gmail.com
and I set up another
email address.
This time for
futurejoelawson@gmail.com.
(audience laughing)
Some of you can you see
the future of this bit.
(audience laughing)
I then sent Joe an email
from himself,
(audience laughing)
from the future.
(audience laughing)
"Dear Joe Lawson,
This is Future Joe Lawson.
I've come to warn you, do
not buy the flux capacitor."
Trust me on this,
it's a bad idea.
Yours sincerely,
Future Joe."
That's obviously not great news.
So I wanted to give
him a stock tip.
So I said obviously.
(audience clapping)
"Who is this?"
I said, "It's you, Joe.
30 years from now.
It's mostly the same.
Except now you're
big into hummus."
(audience laughing)
oh, (James laughing), ah.
"Enjoy those heady
days of abbrevs."
"Haha, okay.
You're the guy from Craigslist."
(audience laughing)
We got there in the end.
"Good one, but
you've gone too far."
(audience laughing)
I didn't think I
had gone too far.
So what I then did,
because it's a time
travel machine,
is I went to gmail.com again,
and I made another
email address.
This time for
futurefuturejoelawson.
I then sent Joe an email from
the future of the future,
copying in Future Joe Lawson.
(audience clapping)
"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."
This is what I fucking
love about my audience.
They love a good fun joke.
Do you know what I mean?
If you don't love
a good fun joke,
I don't wanna have
anything to do with you.
(audience laughing)
"I am from a future far
beyond Future Joe's.
I just wanted to
chime in and say
that you can safely
purchase the flux capacitor.
It all works out in the end.
Hummus still good."
(audience laughing)
But Future Joe, was not happy.
(audience laughing)
He replied to all.
(audience laughing)
"Why should Joe Lawson
and I, Future Joe Lawson,
trust you?"
(audience laughing)
Future Future Joe
was even less happy.
He said, "You are not
Future Joe Lawson.
You are both past Joe Lawson."
"Okay stop emailing me."
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna be very
honest with you.
I'd forgotten about him.
(audience laughing)
I was just having a great,
I was like oh shit,
he's still here.
You know what I mean.
I was having the greatest time.
"Please fuck off."
(audience laughing)
Future Future Joe was like well,
"Joseph, this probably isn't
super helpful to point out,
but you did just tell
yourself to fuck off."
I mean if you think about it
actually you know what I mean.
Like you know.
(audience laughing)
- He said "Joe,
I've had an idea.
I'm gonna use the Flux
Capacitor to go forward in time,
and workout whether a Future
Future Joe can be trusted."
"I'm at work."
(audience laughing)
I started so I
couldn't just stop.
Do you know what I mean?
Future Joe, "I did it Joe,
I've gone further
into the future,
but I can't see Future
Future Joe anywhere.
(gasps)
Holy shit, I just
realized something."
He said to that,
"I actually can't deal
with this right now."
(audience laughing)
"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."
It's a bit, I said, it's
a "bit of a head-fuck,
but there you go."
He said, "I'm blocking you."
So I had to get in quick,
I said 'Your feedback
is really important to me."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Bye everyone, thanks
so much for coming.
Take care.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
(whooshing)
Can I get your fax number?
Just gonna make a
little note to myself,
like a to do list.
Speak to man on tube.
And now I've actually
done that 'cause you know,
so I can actually
take that one off.
I've seen beauty in the world.
When this guy moves, there'll
be beauty in the world.
The res, the res on this is
like nothing you've ever,
you've ever seen. So hang
on, I'll take one of me now.
Hang on, hold tight.
(clicking)
So I'll send that one to you,
but you just gotta give
me about half an hour.
Um, no I'll fax it.
(clicking)
Sorry just had to
capture that moment.
You can't miss these things.
Do you know what I mean?
Although to be fair, I'm
running out of space.
I've already used
up 16 kilobytes so.
It's not even working.
I don't know why we're.
(staticky)
(soft music)