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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage

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-Jimmy O. Yang!

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How's everybody doing?

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Yes, yes.

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Thank you.

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Thank you guys very
much for coming out.

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What's up, y'all
beautiful people?

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This is great, man.

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You guys can have a seat now.

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You guys can have a seat.

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Thank you,
thank you so much.

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Where my Asian people
at, Asian people?

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Hey!

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You came out!

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We're out here
representing, man.

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I got to say, it's been a
couple of good years for us

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Asians, right?

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We had "Crazy Rich
Asians" last year.

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That was a huge
moment for us, yeah.

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Jeremy Lin won a championship...

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for doing nothing.

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He's the first Asian kid to
receive a participation trophy.

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We got to be proud
of him, finally.

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It's great, great
couple of years, man.

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But this is recent history.

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I don't know if you
guys remember this.

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Just three years ago,
there was a movie

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called "The Great Wall"--

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starring Matt Damon.
It was a real movie.

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It was Matt Damon
in ancient China

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fighting dragons and shit,
and everybody spoke English?

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I said, what the fuck is this?

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00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:07,628
But you got to understand.
I'm not mad at Matt Damon, OK?

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He's an actor. That's what
he does for a living.

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That's how he gets a check.
I get it.

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If somebody were to offer me
a lead role in a movie called

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"Mount Rushmore,"...

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I would play the shit
out of George Washington,

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you know what I mean?

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No shame in my game.

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I'll play George Washington
Carver if they let me.

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That's a black guy, by the way.
I don't know if you know.

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Gotta represent, man.

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I see a lot of people
out here in the streets,

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they want to come up to me,
but they're not really sure.

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There's a lot of debate
amongst their friends.

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They're like, hey, man,
are you sure that's him?

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If we go up there,
we got to be sure.

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Because if we go up
there and it's not him,

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we're gonna look super racist.

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Are you sure that's
not Ken Jeong?

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I don't know.
It looks kind of like Ali Wong.

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I don't know.

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And they come up to me, it's
always like, the first thing

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they say, like, hey,
hey, man, aren't you

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that dude Jian-Yang from
that show "Silicon Valley"?

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And I'm like, oh, thanks.

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Thank you.

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Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, thank you.

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Thank you, I appreciate that.
Yeah, I am.

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And then they're like, oh,
shit, I didn't even know

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you speak English
in real life!

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I'm like, it's called
acting, motherfucker.

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Like, did you really think
Matt Damon was Chinese?

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Like, what's wrong with you?

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I don't know what
the disconnect is.

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Like, if a white actor
does a British accent,

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he's a thespian.

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He wins an Oscar.

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If I do a Chinese
accent, I'm automatically

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from the old country.

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Representation matters, man.

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A lot of Asian people come up
to me, very proud, very nice.

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They're like, Jimmy, thank you
for represent the Asians, man.

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I'm like, eh, you're welcome.

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But you do understand, it's
not really a choice, right?

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Like, when you wake up Asian,
you can only represent Asians.

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I couldn't just wake up one
day and be like, fuck it,

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I'm representing
Nigerians today.

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I'm very proud to
represent Asians.

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But at the same time,
there's so much pressure.

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Like, nobody ever
went up to Matt Damon

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and be like, hey, Matt, thanks
for representing the whites.

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It sounds weird.

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That's like
a different conversation
for some reason, you know?

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If somebody came up to me
being like, hey, Jimmy,

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I'm representing
for the whites,

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I would
leave that town immediately

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and never come back.

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So much pressure
to represent.

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I got to be a good
Asian everywhere now.

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I got to tip everywhere I go.

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That was one of the
major advantages

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of being Asian, is
I could just pretend

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I don't know how to tip.

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Y'all know what
a Chinese tip is?

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Chinese tip, it doesn't
matter how big your bill is,

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you tip $2. That's a Chi--

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That's a Chinese tip, man.

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Now I got to tip
20% everywhere.

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I got to give every Uber
driver five-star ratings

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just so I can be
a good representative.

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Everywhere I go,
I got to represent.

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Even day to day shit, even the
bedroom I got to represent.

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After I hooked up
with this one girl,

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this is what she said to me.
She was like, Jimmy,

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I don't know
how to tell you this,

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but you're the first Asian
guy I've ever been with.

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I'm like, OK.

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What do you want,
a fortune cookie?

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Like, wha--?

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Like, what do you want?

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She acted like she just
unlocked a new character

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on Street Fighter
or some shit.

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Why do you feel the
need to say that?

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This one girl said this shit
that was so disrespectful.

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This is what she said to
me after we hooked up.

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She was like,
Jimmy, um, I'm just

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glad the stereotype's
not true.

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You don't have a small penis.

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I'm like, bitch, you
understand you just insulted

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my entire race of people?

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But thank you.

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First of all, thank
you for thinking

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that I did have a small
penis, and we still had sex.

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You're the real MVP.

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You get two fortune
cookies tonight, miss.

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Thank you.

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But that's a fucked
up stereotype, right?

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That's not even true.
That's a fucked up stereotype.

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Everybody should have average
dick until proven guilty.

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I don't care how tall you
are, what ethnicity you are,

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how big your hands are.

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Everybody should start at
average dick, 8 inches.

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And we go from there.

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There's so much pressure, man.

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I feel like every
time I have sex,

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there's a billion Chinese people
on my back just judging me.

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I gotta make sure I perform
and represent, you know?

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I got to get them an
extra pump for my uncle

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in Shanghai, an extra
pump for my nephew

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in Hong Kong and shit.
It's like, oh, my god.

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That's why you see
old Asian people,

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they be walking like
this, just like--

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(CHINESE ACCENT)
It's so much pressure.

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I love old Asian people, man.

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Yeah, yeah, old Asian
people are the best.

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But why are all old Asian people

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always stretching
in the park?

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Like, it doesn't matter
which city you're in,

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which park you go to, you
wake up, 6:30 in the morning,

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you see about 250
old Asian people

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all doing this shit
at the same time,

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for like three hours.

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What the fuck are they doing?

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And my dad was trying
to explain to me.

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He's like, oh, they're
warming up to do Tai Chi.

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I'm like, for how long?

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And ironically, Tai Chi
is a warm-up in itself.

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So they're warming up
to warm up for nothing.

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And I think to a lot of
Americans, like, people think

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that Tai Chi to some, like,
exotic Chinese secret,

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some oriental art.

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No. Tai Chi is just
exercise for people

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who are too old to exercise.

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Let's not exoticize
these things, you know?

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It's actually super
simple to do Tai Chi.

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I went to a park, watched those
old people for like an hour,

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and I learned
how to do Tai Chi.

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Very simple, all you
gotta do is two things.

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All you gotta do
to do to Tai Chi

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is pretend you're
wiping down a window

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and getting a blow
job at the same time.

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You guys seem skeptical.

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Allow me to demonstrate.

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It's very simple.

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All you gotta do, you get it
your little stance, right, OK?

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00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,425
And then you wipe down a window.

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And now you get a blow job.

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Then you lift her head up,
because you're a gentleman,

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you know?

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That's Tai Chi.

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Thank you, thank you.

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00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,993
Let's not exoticize
these Asian things.

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They're just old people
reminiscing about the days

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when they got sucked off.
That's it.

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You got to take
advantages of all

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these, like, Asian
stereotypes, you know?

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If people are just going to
exoticize us, that's fine.

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Whenever somebody asks me to do
something I don't want to do,

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I just make up a fake
Chinese holiday now.

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It's like, hey, Jimmy can
you help me move next Monday?

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I'm like, Monday?

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That's the Dragon Boat
Lychee Boba Festiva, dog.

197
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:07,190
I can't-- I can't
just help you move.

198
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,735
My grandfather died for
that shit, you understand?

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00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,905
And if people are just
gonna assume that I don't

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00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,907
speak English, that's fine.

201
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,368
That's what I do now when I
get pulled over by the cops.

202
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,579
I just pretend I
don't speak English.

203
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,623
I haven't gotten a
ticket in five years.

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00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,125
Last time I got pulled over,

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00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,668
the cop was knocking
on my window.

206
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,337
He was like, sir,
you do understand you

207
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:29,921
can't make a right turn here?

208
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,256
It says right there
on the sign.

209
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:33,091
You can't make a right turn.

210
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052
So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

211
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,138
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh, I don't know.

212
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,393
I'm sorry, but-ah
English not very good.

213
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,729
So I cannot read-ah
the sign.

214
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:51,610
And he was really confused.
He just looked back down at me.

215
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:56,698
He was like, sir,
the sign is not in English.

216
00:10:56,782 --> 00:11:00,202
It's a diagram,
so I don't understand

217
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:03,914
how that's
a language barrier?

218
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,624
So I just looked up at him.
I was like,

219
00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:10,837
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Oh... I don't know.

220
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,549
But do you know today is
the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba--

221
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:20,389
You got to use it to
your advantage, people.

222
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,684
I'm very happy to be here, man.

223
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,353
-Thank you.

224
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,896
Oh, you guys don't
have to-- thank you.

225
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,482
Thank you for all your support.

226
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,234
It's been great.
It's been really great.

227
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,195
Like, I'm finally--
I'm like quasi-famous now.

228
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,988
Nothing's really changed.

229
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,324
I might get a free appetizer
at select PF Chang's.

230
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:42,244
That's about it.
Nothing's really changed.

231
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,496
I was still using Tinder
up until like a year ago.

232
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,540
This is a true story.

233
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:49,334
But now I realize I got a whole
new set of issues on Tinder.

234
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:50,961
Like now, when I do
match with a girl,

235
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,130
she doesn't believe
that it's me.

236
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,006
Like, ew, that's not you.

237
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:57,175
You're not that guy from
this thing and that thing.

238
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,554
I'm like, who the fuck is
using me as a fake profile?

239
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:07,310
You gotta dig real
deep to use me, man.

240
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:11,481
I feel like there's so many
better choices out there.

241
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:15,944
One time-- one time, my agent
told me that I had a good look.

242
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,113
And I'm like, thanks,
dude, I appreciate that.

243
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,866
But then it took me years to
realize that having a good look

244
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:24,870
is totally different
than being good-looking.

245
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,539
I still don't know
what the fuck it means.

246
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,000
And look, I'm not being
self-deprecating, OK?

247
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,627
That's Hollywood talk.
I don't listen to that shit.

248
00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:34,796
I understand that,
in real life,

249
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,799
I'm like
super good-looking--

250
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,801
if you're into anime.

251
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,390
You gotta get in where
you fit in, people.

252
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,976
One time, I went over
to the girl's house,

253
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:52,522
she has this, like, Naruto
anime poster in her bedroom.

254
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,900
I knew I was
fucking that night.

255
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,613
You got to know
your demo, people.

256
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,406
Asian people, we don't
need Tinder anymore.

257
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:04,576
We just go to BTS concerts.

258
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,870
That's how we do that
parking lot pimping.

259
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:13,210
I've been dating
a lot of tall girls lately,

260
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,505
because it makes
me look successful.

261
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:19,674
No, no. I think
tall women are beautiful.

262
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:22,511
But some of them
like to wear heels.

263
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,221
That's just disrespect.

264
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,350
Like, you're already five
inches taller than me.

265
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,935
Why the fuck are
you wearing heels?

266
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,728
She's like, it makes
my ass look better.

267
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,023
I'm like, your ass is at
my eye level right now.

268
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,192
Neither of us look good, OK?

269
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:40,529
I look like a child, and you
look like a child molester.

270
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,370
Last time-- the last time I took
a tall girl to this concert--

271
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,163
I don't know if
you guys know this,

272
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:54,167
but apparently, tall people
have fun at concerts.

273
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:57,379
Are you guys aware of that?
I'm 5' 5".

274
00:13:57,462 --> 00:14:00,549
I just go to concerts to
smell other people's armpits.

275
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,218
I'm like what the fuck's
the point of this?

276
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,970
She was having the
time of her life,

277
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,264
doing whatever tall people
do at concerts, you know,

278
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,934
jumping around, obstructing
other people's views,

279
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,979
seeing everything.

280
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,022
I was frustrated.
I had enough.

281
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:19,276
So I just looked up at
her, I was like, hey!

282
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,069
Pick me up.

283
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:26,616
This is bullshit.
I paid for these tickets, OK?

284
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,076
I want to see
Billy Eilish, too.

285
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,578
Come on.

286
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:40,922
I know I'm becoming
an adult finally,

287
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:45,010
because now my favorite TV
show is "Fixer Upper" on HGTV.

288
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,471
That's the greatest
show of all time.

289
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,808
You guys watch it, Chip and
Joanna Gaines, "Fixer Upper"?

290
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,311
It's a great show, right?
It's a great show.

291
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,479
Like, it's really a
beautiful relationship.

292
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,815
Joanna does all the
interior decorating,

293
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,275
and she brings in
all the furniture

294
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,068
and makes the
house look amazing.

295
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:05,280
And Chip just hires Mexicans
to do everything for him.

296
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:09,326
It's the most symbiotic
American relationship ever.

297
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,577
And it's a really nice show.

298
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,245
It's a feel-good show.

299
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,164
It's an aspiring show.

300
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,125
You watch the show and you're
like, man, one day, maybe

301
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:19,502
my house could look that nice--

302
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:20,962
if I moved to Waco, Texas.

303
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:29,346
If I just give up on my life
and move to Waco, Texas,

304
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,431
maybe I can have a new
open concept kitchen.

305
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,227
I don't know about you guys.

306
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,897
Shit is expensive
where I live in LA.

307
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:41,232
And I watch this show and
I just get frustrated.

308
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,692
Because you get,
like, these like,

309
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,070
entry-level-job-having
people in Texas.

310
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:50,909
And they're like, Joanna, we're
looking for a six bedroom house

311
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:57,916
on three acres of land
and our budget's $50,000.

312
00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:04,756
Bitch, I can't even buy a crack
house in Compton for $50,000.

313
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:10,261
HGTV is just basically
"MTV Cribs" for adults.

314
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,056
Because when you were 15, you
had crazier dreams, you know?

315
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,724
You watch "MTV Cribs,"
and you're like,

316
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:19,562
oh, man, one day, I hope
I can have a Lamborghini.

317
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,857
One day, I hope I can have a
fridge with only Gatorades.

318
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,239
And now, you're like
35, your dreams just

319
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,324
get a little more realistic.

320
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:35,453
You're watching HGTV, and you're
just, like, oh, man, one day,

321
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,081
I wish I could
just fix this roof.

322
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:49,259
Look, I'm doing, like, fine
by any measure, you know?

323
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,761
But I still live in a
one-bedroom apartment

324
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,681
because that shit
is rent-controlled.

325
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,058
And when the Asian people,
when we find a good deal,

326
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,310
we're never letting
that shit go.

327
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,896
-Yeah.

328
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:05,108
That apartment is about
to be generational.

329
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,319
It's gonna get passed to my
nephew, his kids, and all that.

330
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,822
It's mine now, basically.

331
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,324
I don't want to buy a house.
I live by myself,

332
00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:14,701
and I'm scared of ghosts.

333
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:23,877
I've seen enough movies to know
that ghosts only haunt houses,

334
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,129
not one bedroom apartments.

335
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,341
Yeah.

336
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,135
I've seen enough
Hollywood movies

337
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,262
to know that ghost only
haunt rich people's houses

338
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:38,266
in the suburbs, preferably with
a newborn baby, because they

339
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:40,685
got way too much to lose.
Shit is high stakes.

340
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,480
I live by myself.
I ain't got nothing to lose.

341
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:47,192
A ghost come haunt
me, I just move.

342
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,444
Worse comes to worse, I
lose my security deposit.

343
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,447
Fuck it, you know?
What's a ghost gonna do?

344
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,742
He's gonna follow me
from unit to unit,

345
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,786
start knocking on my
light fixtures and shit.

346
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:01,372
I'm like, hey, dog, go ahead.
It's not even mine.

347
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:03,249
You fuck around,
we both get evicted, OK?

348
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,919
Like, you don't want
to be a homeless ghost.

349
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:12,217
And if you really think about
it, what kind of loser ghost

350
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,677
haunts an apartment?

351
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,847
That means that ghost
probably died in an apartment.

352
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,309
He didn't even die a homeowner.

353
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,062
I ain't got no
respect for that shit.

354
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:26,231
He comes haunt me, I just
start talking shit to him.

355
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,358
Like, hey, dog, what was
your credit score when you

356
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,776
died, though, like, for real?

357
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,569
For real.

358
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,369
I was born in Hong Kong.

359
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,870
Any Hong Kong people?

360
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580
A couple of us--

361
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:44,457
awesome, man.

362
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,376
For you guys that haven't
been following the news,

363
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,711
Hong Kong is a part of Japan.

364
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,050
I'm joking, obviously.

365
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,052
But I said the same
shit in Kansas City,

366
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,972
and people were like, really?

367
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,558
Wow, we learned something
new today, Bill.

368
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:11,150
I did a show in Kansas City.
I don't know why either.

369
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,820
People are very
nice in Kansas City.

370
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,072
I'm not gonna say, like, they're
racist or anything like that,

371
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,616
but they're just,
like, curious.

372
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,994
Like they're watching me like
they're watching an episode

373
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,913
of National Geographic.

374
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:27,041
And a pack of giraffes just
ran by, and they're like,

375
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,377
oh, I've never seen one
of those in real life.

376
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,422
It looks majestic.

377
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,132
This one kid in
Kansas City came up to me

378
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:35,842
after the show,
very nice kid.

379
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,802
This is what he said.
He was like,

380
00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:39,721
ah, Jimmy, thought
you were really funny, man.

381
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:41,764
I don't mean to offend
you-- that's when you know

382
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,975
you're about to get offended.

383
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,810
He was like, I don't
mean to offend you,

384
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,645
but when I first
saw your poster,

385
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,189
I thought you were
gonna play the violin.

386
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:55,403
I was like, I do, motherfucker,
just not right now.

387
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,280
Shit.

388
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:02,493
I keep it a secret.

389
00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:04,537
See, I gotta say, I got
some of the nicest crowds

390
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,749
in the business.
I rarely ever get heckled.

391
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,376
And one time I was talking about
how I used to play the violin.

392
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,795
An old Chinese lady
sitting in the front, just

393
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:17,342
stood up and screamed out,
first chair or second chair?

394
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,099
And I was like, thanks,
ma'am, fifth chair, actually,

395
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,143
fifth chair.
I wasn't-- I wasn't very good.

396
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,354
I wasn't good.

397
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:38,988
I grew up very
stereotypically in Hong Kong.

398
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,615
Like my real name
is not even Jimmy.

399
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,700
That's my English name.

400
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,202
My real name is Man-Sing.

401
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:45,620
In Cantonese,

402
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:48,289
It stands for 10,000 success.

403
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:51,793
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.

404
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:54,545
I had very ambitious parents.

405
00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:57,298
And now I'm telling dick jokes
and doing Tai Chi on stage,

406
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,467
so--

407
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,970
Jimmy was just kind of
like an arbitrary English

408
00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:03,846
name that just sounded easy.

409
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:07,100
And my dad, he named
himself Richard.

410
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,227
I was like, Dad, why'd
you name yourself Richard?

411
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,354
He was like, because
I want to be rich.

412
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,650
It makes so much sense.

413
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:20,029
And then they named my older
brother Roger

414
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:23,783
after the James
Bond actor Roger Moore.

415
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:25,785
Yeah, but my brother
hated that name.

416
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:28,579
He was like, man, it makes me
sound like an old white guy.

417
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:32,583
So eventually he changed
his own name to Roy.

418
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:36,337
So now he sounds like
an older white guy.

419
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:40,550
And now his full name is Roy
Roger, which is the oldest

420
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,052
white guy to ever white.

421
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:46,973
I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

422
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:48,641
I didn't play
basketball or football.

423
00:21:48,725 --> 00:21:50,893
I grew up playing ping pong--

424
00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:52,895
competitively!

425
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:56,065
That was a serious national
sport back home, man.

426
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,316
You know, I didn't go to
any, like,

427
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,402
fun summer camp,
space camp.

428
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,779
My dad sent me to a
ping pong training camp

429
00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:03,614
in Gwangju, China.

430
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,536
I almost died.

431
00:22:08,619 --> 00:22:12,123
It was 100 kids competing for
one spot on the national team.

432
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:14,917
It was basically Fortnite
with ping pong paddles.

433
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464
We took that shit
seriously, though.

434
00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:22,467
My dad would take me to every
practice, every tournament game.

435
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,178
And he always tried to give me
a pep talk before every game.

436
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,680
But you know, Asian parents,
they're way too honest.

437
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:31,309
So every pep talk just
turned into an insult.

438
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,352
Like, he would come up to me,
be like,

439
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:37,774
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy. Jimmy.

440
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,777
You're going to
play well, OK?

441
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:48,284
Even though you slow, even
though you weak, and you suck.

442
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,536
And then he would
just walk away.

443
00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,295
I was very good at math.

444
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,214
That's a big Asian stereotype.

445
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:02,799
I think there's
some truth to that.

446
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,801
Not because of some
weird genetic thing,

447
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:07,637
just because our parents cared
so much more about mathematics

448
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,347
and academics.

449
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:11,307
You guys seen it.
You guys seen those, like,

450
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:14,519
Kumon Learning Centers in those
strip malls, right, right?

451
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:16,729
Kumon Learning Centers, for
you guys that don't know,

452
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:19,982
are basically detention camps
for young Asian children.

453
00:23:21,984 --> 00:23:23,653
You can tell that
place is kind of fucked

454
00:23:23,736 --> 00:23:26,322
up by the look of its logo.

455
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:27,824
Because it's supposed
to be a smiley

456
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:31,953
face, but it's not
really smiling.

457
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:33,663
It's just like, meh.

458
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:41,129
My parents were way too
cheap to send me to Kumon.

459
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:43,089
They got a different strategy.

460
00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:46,384
They never let me use a
calculator until I turned 15,

461
00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:47,844
so I can work on
my brain function.

462
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:50,429
That's an old school
Chinese strategy.

463
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:53,432
So when I turned 15, it was
a very special occasion.

464
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:55,476
It was basically my Quinceañera.

465
00:23:57,562 --> 00:23:59,772
My dad just gave
me a TI-83 Plus.

466
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,487
And he looked me in
the eyes, and he was

467
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:08,072
like, you're a woman now, OK?

468
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,161
But when you're a kid,
when your parents tell you

469
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:14,787
you can't do something,
what do you do?

470
00:24:14,871 --> 00:24:17,165
You rebel, right?
So when I was 14 years old,

471
00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:19,208
I stole my
brother's calculator.

472
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:23,254
I stole Roy Rogers calculator,
and I locked myself in my room.

473
00:24:23,337 --> 00:24:24,672
And I started rebelling.

474
00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:27,508
I started doing math homework.

475
00:24:27,592 --> 00:24:29,051
Other kids were,
like, fucking around

476
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,678
with, like, alcohol and drugs.

477
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:32,889
I was fucking up some
parabolas, you know?

478
00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:35,224
Locked myself in a room, I
was just punching in numbers.

479
00:24:35,308 --> 00:24:37,018
I was like, oh, man, this
feels great, you know?

480
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:40,897
It's so wrong.
It's awesome.

481
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,607
My dad was pissed.

482
00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:44,233
He was knocking on the
outside of the door.

483
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,693
He doesn't like locked
doors in the house.

484
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:46,986
And he was screaming.
He was like,

485
00:24:47,069 --> 00:24:48,696
(CHINESE ACCENT)
Jimmy! Jimmy!

486
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,907
What are you doing inside?
Come out right now.

487
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:52,658
I know you're in there
using a calculator.

488
00:24:52,742 --> 00:24:54,827
Come out right now.

489
00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:57,163
I was so scared I
didn't know what to do.

490
00:24:57,246 --> 00:24:58,915
And he unlocked the
door, and he came in.

491
00:24:58,998 --> 00:25:00,458
I went into full panic mode.

492
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:01,959
So I just threw
away the calculator,

493
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,419
and I pulled down my pants.

494
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:11,469
I was like, Dad, I
was just jerking off.

495
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:13,930
And he came in, and
he looked at me.

496
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:16,307
And then he looked
at the math homework.

497
00:25:23,231 --> 00:25:26,275
And he was like good,
good, very good.

498
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:30,279
Very good, very good,
you must really like math.

499
00:25:30,363 --> 00:25:34,075
That's good.
Keep it up.

500
00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:38,913
Because there is
nothing, there is nothing

501
00:25:38,996 --> 00:25:41,958
that will make an Asian father
more proud than to see his son

502
00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:43,334
jerk off to his math homework.

503
00:25:48,798 --> 00:25:51,175
I grew up very
stereotypically, man.

504
00:25:51,259 --> 00:25:53,552
But all these things--
playing the violin,

505
00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:55,596
being good at math, my names--

506
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,598
those things weren't
stereotypes when

507
00:25:57,682 --> 00:26:01,519
I was growing up in Hong Kong,
because everybody was Asian.

508
00:26:01,602 --> 00:26:03,771
Everyone was good at math.

509
00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:06,232
It didn't become a stereotype
until I came to this country

510
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:08,025
when I was 13 years old.

511
00:26:08,109 --> 00:26:10,861
And I automatically became
the weird foreign kid.

512
00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:13,197
Like, I didn't really even
know how to speak English.

513
00:26:13,281 --> 00:26:14,657
I learned English
how you guys will

514
00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:16,659
learn Spanish, just on paper.

515
00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,536
But if I would have
dropped you off in Mexico

516
00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:22,415
when you're 13 years old,
you would've died.

517
00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:28,004
I was a very confused kid, man.
The first day of school,

518
00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:30,089
everybody was standing up,
putting their right hand

519
00:26:30,172 --> 00:26:31,882
on their chest,
doing the Pledge of Allegiance.

520
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,342
I didn't know what was going on.

521
00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:36,929
I was like, did,
I just join a cult?

522
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:38,806
First day of school,
this girl came up to me.

523
00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:41,183
She was like, hey, what's up?

524
00:26:41,267 --> 00:26:44,979
I didn't know what that
meant, so I just looked up.

525
00:26:45,062 --> 00:26:47,189
I was a very confused kid.

526
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:49,734
All these little customs,
I wasn't used to.

527
00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:52,778
Like the first day of PE
class, first day of PE class,

528
00:26:52,862 --> 00:26:54,572
we had to change
into our gym clothes.

529
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:57,033
I'd never done that.
Everybody was wearing boxers,

530
00:26:57,116 --> 00:27:00,369
and I was still
wearing tighty-whiteys.

531
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:03,331
And this kid, this bully next
to me, he was being real mean.

532
00:27:03,414 --> 00:27:05,124
He was like, hey,
look, the Asian kid's

533
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,960
wearing tighty-whiteys.
That's gay.

534
00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:09,920
And I was like, oh,
really, is I what it means?

535
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:11,589
I had no idea.

536
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,801
And then I put on my
gym shorts, but my mom

537
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:17,178
had bought me gym
shorts that was

538
00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:20,431
my exact size, an extra small.

539
00:27:20,514 --> 00:27:24,685
So that wasn't very cool,
because it came down mid-thigh.

540
00:27:24,769 --> 00:27:26,228
And apparently back
in the day, that

541
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,314
was called a John Stockton.

542
00:27:30,191 --> 00:27:32,485
And the same kid next to
me, that bully next to me,

543
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:35,529
he was like, hey, hey, look at--
don't wear your pants like that.

544
00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:38,908
Pull your pants down, man.
Pull your pants down.

545
00:27:38,991 --> 00:27:40,868
And I was like, who's
the gay one now?

546
00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:46,374
But I didn't know what to do.

547
00:27:46,457 --> 00:27:48,292
Everybody was looking
at me, and this kid kept

548
00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:52,129
saying pull your pants down.
So I was like, oh, shit.

549
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:55,841
I've seen
"Shawshank Redemption."

550
00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:58,511
Maybe this is just how
it works in America.

551
00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:00,513
So I start pulling
down my shorts

552
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:03,015
all the way down to my knees,
all the way down to my ankle.

553
00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:05,017
And that same kid, the
bully next to me, is like,

554
00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:06,602
hey, what are you doing?

555
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,104
Don't pull them
down all the way.

556
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:09,939
That's gay.

557
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:11,774
And I'm like, what is
not gay in this country?

558
00:28:13,984 --> 00:28:15,694
And apparently this other
kid next me, he's like, hey,

559
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:17,113
don't pull them
down all the way.

560
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,489
Just sag them a little bit.

561
00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:20,491
Just sag your pants.

562
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:22,785
And I didn't know what
sagging your pants meant.

563
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:24,870
Apparently, that's a
cool, hip hop thing,

564
00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:28,082
to pull your pants down
halfway down your butt

565
00:28:28,165 --> 00:28:31,710
so you show everybody
you asshole.

566
00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:34,171
And apparently, that's
the only not gay way

567
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,424
to wear your pants in America.

568
00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:39,969
I had no idea.

569
00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:47,351
All these weird American
things I wasn't used to.

570
00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:50,229
Eventually, I learned how to
speak English by watching a lot

571
00:28:50,312 --> 00:28:54,859
of TV, mainly BET "Rap City."

572
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:56,735
Because that was my shit.
I want to be cool,

573
00:28:56,819 --> 00:28:59,572
and nothing cooler
than BET "Rap City," right?

574
00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:03,826
Every music video was a slice
of somebody's American dream.

575
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,455
The first music video I saw
was Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'".

576
00:29:07,538 --> 00:29:09,248
You guys remember that shit?

577
00:29:09,331 --> 00:29:11,459
Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
was the greatest

578
00:29:11,542 --> 00:29:13,502
music video of all time.

579
00:29:13,586 --> 00:29:15,754
It was Jay-z and his
boys on a yacht pouring

580
00:29:15,838 --> 00:29:17,256
champagne on this
beautiful woman's

581
00:29:17,339 --> 00:29:20,468
face for, like, four minutes.

582
00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,220
I was like, this is America?

583
00:29:23,304 --> 00:29:26,515
It's amazing.
That's all I wanted to do.

584
00:29:26,599 --> 00:29:28,559
Like before I even wanted
to get into stand-up,

585
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:31,187
that's all I want to do.
I want to be a rapper.

586
00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:33,522
I want to be like
Jay-z in "Big Pimpin'".

587
00:29:33,606 --> 00:29:36,275
So I started my own rap
group in high school.

588
00:29:36,358 --> 00:29:37,735
This is a true story.

589
00:29:37,818 --> 00:29:39,945
It was me, my black
friend Julian,

590
00:29:40,029 --> 00:29:41,447
and my other friend
Yugi, who was

591
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:43,574
half black and half Japanese.

592
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:48,204
So we are perfectly
1 and 1/2 black dudes

593
00:29:48,287 --> 00:29:51,540
and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes.

594
00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:53,959
And we called ourselves
The Yellow Panthers.

595
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,756
I know.

596
00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:01,967
I wish I was making this
shit up, but I'm not.

597
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:04,887
The Yellow Panthers
was a real rap group.

598
00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:06,805
And we had a real rap song.

599
00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:09,934
It was called,
"Underground Railroad Builder."

600
00:30:18,484 --> 00:30:20,027
I was confused.

601
00:30:22,696 --> 00:30:25,741
Eventually, I became
a good Asian-American,

602
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:29,203
and I went to school to
get an Economics degree.

603
00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:30,746
Because that was
the easiest degree

604
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:34,291
that can still appease
my Asian parents.

605
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:36,168
But then after I
graduated, I didn't want

606
00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:38,379
to do, like, econ or finance.

607
00:30:38,462 --> 00:30:40,089
So I went up to my
dad, I was like, dad,

608
00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,382
I don't want to do any ofUPr<[}]G͕L{[飽!=d=Eo}AMEwSo塋d!iZϒVz*86٫Ey'6]Lh%RVY_
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