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London Hughes, I hope you're ready.
It's your first Netflix special. Go out there, make them Americans laugh!
Make the world love you, and talk about dick as never before.
Because you are comedy Beyoncé. Yes, you are.
You're comedy-- You're comedy Richard Pryor.
You're female Richard Pr-- You're Kevin Hart!
You're female Kevin Hart! Yes, you are!
The world's gonna love you. 'Cause you're a star, London Hughes.
You're gonna be amazing. It's gonna go so perfect.
[sighs]
How does that sound?
[sighs] Sounds great.
-You're gonna be amazing tonight. -Thank you.
-No kissing. Covid. -Yeah.
-Oh, you're needed on set. -Oh, great. Amazing.
Well, thank you so much, Richard.
-Uh, it's Jeff. -Jeff, okay.
-[Jeff] Okay. -Jeff! Jeff! Okay. [laughs]
Time to catch some dick.
Oh, shitting hell.
[upbeat music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise
for the very talented and funny, Miss London Hughes!
[audience clapping, cheering]
Make some noise, Los Angeles!
Yes!
Oh my God!
Guys, hello! Hello!
I'm London Hughes. I'm really funny.
[audience laughs]
Hey, thank you so much for coming to my first-ever Netflix special.
-Oh my God! Oh my God! -[audience clapping, cheering]
Oh my God! And it's during the pandemic.
You risked a disease for me. You guys all got tested for me.
I feel like we're in a serious relationship.
Oh Guys, I appreciate it.
Let me start by saying I'm totally aware of the elephant in the room.
I'm totally aware that I don't look how I sound.
Totally aware. I look like Keyshia Beyoncé but sound like Penelope.
I'm aware. I'm aware. I am not like you.
I am Black British, okay? I am a British person.
I moved to this beautiful country in February.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
-Yeah. -[clapping and cheering]
February.
Right before it went to shit!
The global pandemic went to shit!
Everyone's like,
"Uh, it's a global pandemic. Think of the elderly."
Don't think of the elderly.
Think of the single women who thought we had options this year.
We thought we had fucking options.
Options ran out! No options. Every day's like a dickless Groundhog Day.
Know what I mean?
It's worse for me 'cause I been here 8 months,
I ain't fucked one American yet. I could've fucked you by now, you.
I could have fucked you.
I ain't fucked no Amer--
I haven't been able to live out my American wet dream. Okay?
[audience laughs]
It's upsetting for me. It's really sad, but it's on theme
because this show is called To Catch a Dick. Okay?
That's the name of this show.
-[clapping] -It's called To Catch a Dick.
Are we ready to catch a dick?
[audience] Yeah!
Here we go. Let me start it.
Okay, I'm owning it, right?
So I wrote this show 'cause I was pissed off.
I know I don't look it, but I'm pissed off, right?
I'll tell you why. I just turned 31. I know. I don't look it. Right? Just 31.
I'm very attractive. It's not a joke. It's more factual.
I'm rich. I'm rich as fuck, guys, seriously.
[laughs] When I eat McDonald's, it's in Beverly Hills, okay?
I'm rich as fuck.
I've got Beyoncé's hair from 2003. Mm-hm.
I really do. It's factual.
I've got zero gag reflex. Zero!
Zero. Thank you!
Zero. Zero.
But I'm single.
[audience] Aww!
Here's the thing. That's the correct reaction.
When you're single in your 20s, it's fine, innit?
When I was single in my 20s, there was no judgment.
In my 20s, I was sitting on faces, sitting on faces.
Sucking dick and sitting on faces.
From 2009 onwards, my mouth was full. It was fine.
No judgment.
In my twenties, I was playing bareback roulette.
Who's played bare--
-"Did he come inside you?" -"Dunno, it's bareback roulette."
Is it just me that played bare-- She played bareback roulette.
You are laughing too hard. She played bareback roulette.
In your twenties. It's fine.
No judgment in your twenties. It's about living your best life.
But when you hit your thirties…
Oh-ho.
the singleness starts to smell.
[audience laughs]
People are like, [sniffs] "Oh, you're 30."
[sniffs] "Oh."
"Oh, you're single. Oh."
They smell the desperation. My mum got a whiff of it, okay?
She's like, "Now that you're 30, why don't you settle down, huh?
and have some kids, huh?"
"You're 30, so why don't you settle down, huh?
and have some kids, huh?"
I was like, "Kids? Chill, I haven't had an abortion yet."
Know what I mean?
"Let me have a couple of abortions first before I commit to that shit."
I've got options. Know what I mean? They're human herpes. That's for life.
Kids are shit. I can say that. Kids are fucking shit.
Some of my best friends used to be children. I can say it.
Kids are shit. I love you're clapping that. They are.
A lot of my friends have kids.
It's always the basic ones that just find love first, innit?
Out of your friends, it's always the ugly ones that are married first.
I have a lot of ugly, happy, basic friends.
They're here tonight, right?
They look at me and say,
"London, you need to go out there."
"You'll find a single guy in a club. Go on find a single guy in a club!"
A single guy in a club?
You got more chance of finding a Black girl in a Judd Apatow movie.
Think about it. There's fucking none.
Sort it out, Judd!
[mouthing] I'm available!
Right?
They're like, "You're the problem."
"You're single because of you."
"You're single because you're confident."
"You're single because you're successful."
"You're single 'cause you're a comedian. It's too much." I'm like,
"Guys, all of that stuff on a man, that is a catch."
"A successful, confident, comedian man, that's a catch."
I'd fuck him. That's a great person.
That's fucking Kevin Hart. Okay?
That's a catch.
Apparently, on a woman, it's too much. Apparently, I'm too much, guys.
Apparently. All I know is that if I was a mute
that worked in 7-Eleven, I'd be married by now.
[audience laughs]
It's true. And I ain't even been proposed to.
There's bitches in Kentucky with no teeth that have been proposed to.
[audience laughs]
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm starting to think I'm the problem.
So I decided to look back at my dick-catching history.
To see where the fuck I went wrong.
Will you join me on this journey?
-[audience cheering] -Okay, let's go!
I'm going on a journey.
I've arrived. I've gone back in time. It was fast.
I went back in time.
Back to 94 years in the past, which was 19--
I'm shit at math, fuck it. Gone back in the past.
Okay? To the birth of my grandma, Grandma Mel.
Amazing woman, 93, 94 years old. Just sassy, Jamaican, cute.
Massive ho! My grandmother's a ho!
My grandma knows she's a ho. Lord knows she's a ho, okay?
My grandma caught so much dick, it ruined my mom's life.
She really did. I'll tell you why.
My grandma had five kids with five different baby fathers, okay?
To be fair, she's from Jamaica.
The only thing to do there is fuck and listen to Bob Marley.
♪ We're bangin' We're jammin' ♪
That's it! That's all you can fucking do in Jamaica.
Here's why I know that my grandma's dick-catching fucked up my mom's life.
My mom told me she met her dad twice, and they were two different people.
My grandma got her playing Paternity Guess Who with my mom's life.
-"Does he wear glasses?" -"I don't know."
[blowing intermittently]
My grandma's a fucking ho. Let's talk about my mom.
She's great. She's gonna be watching this. She's amazing, okay?
She's successful, married twice, works really hard, really smart--
Fucking ho! My mom's a ho!
My mom's a ho too. She's a ho. She is a ho.
My mom caught so much dick,
it ruined her life.
I'll tell you why.
My mom was a runner. She was fast.
Hundred meters sprint. Fast.
At 18, she did the trials for the Olympic Games.
The Olympic motherfucking Games.
Olympic Games at 18, I know. "Whoo!" indeed. "Whoo!" indeed.
But it gets sad. But it gets sad.
Because at 18, unfortunately, she caught a sudden case of dick.
[audience laughs]
She did. She did.
That dick resulted in a pregnancy.
Not with me. I'm a blessing. With my brother. Alright?
I'm a fucking blessing. With my brother.
She had my brother. She gave birth to my brother,
and my grandma was so upset that she got pregnant at 18
that she kicked her out. Fucking hypocrite.
She's just trying to be like you, hon. Your ho-ness was hereditary. Okay?
Kicked her out the house, my mom had to quit running,
get a normal job, and be a normal fucking person.
She quit running, became a nurse, raised my brother,
and ladies and gentlemen, my brother grew up to be…
a security guard.
[audience laughs]
My mom quit the Olympics for a security guard!
If it was me I could understand, but a security guard?
That's like me, now, the height of my career,
en route to being the next female Richard Pryor…
Thank you. It's true.
…suddenly catching a case of dick nine months out.
Never hear from me again. I push out my child,
and he has the audacity to become a TikTok star. Fuck kids!
Kids are shit, man.
They're shit-- I just-- Kids like--
They're just disrespectful.
Women, we don't have to have them, you know, ladies.
We don't have to have kids. We're just… Why?
They're not worth it a lot of the time. They ain't got no banter.
Kids ain't got no banter. They don't say anything exciting.
-"I drew a giraffe." -"Fuck off!"
"I don't give a fuck about your giraffe."
They're really overrated.
-Who's got kids? Make some noise. -[women cheering]
Okay, ladies-- I like that the men didn't make a noise.
Men, you don't have kids. You get kids, okay?
Kids are like pets to you. They're dogs. A bitch gave birth to them
so you can play with them. Pretend they're yours. That's the reality.
Kids are shit, and you'll relate to this, girl,
because I think babies are disrespectful to women.
They are. Babies are disrespectful to women.
I'll tell you why. As a woman, you catch a sudden case of dick,
it results in a pregnancy, nine months.
People just go, "Nine--" No, nine months!
Nine long months, making a human in your gut,
making eyes, ears, and elbows in your gut.
Making a human in your gut. Can't drink to get through.
Making eyes, ears, elbows in your gut for 9 months.
A fully formed human, not like in Ikea.
Fully formed, human,
in your fucking gut for nine months.
Can't drink, making a human. Nine months.
Nine long months, making a human in your gut.
Then you've got to push that fucker out.
It might take two days.
It might take two fucking days. It will rip your vagina.
Rip it out. Ruin it! Ruin it! Ruin it!
Nine months. Ruined! Nine months. Ruined!
You push that shit out, and there's blood, blood, blood, blood, blood.
Blood everywhere, blood-
Blood! Blood!
You pick up the bloody baby! You pick up the bloody baby!
And you cut the cord. You cut your vag. You're cutting.
You hold the baby. You look at it, and it has the audacity
to look exactly like the father.
[audience laughs]
You fucking kidding me? If that was me, I'd leave it at the hospital.
"I don't know who that is."
"I made it, but it don't look like me. It's a joke."
Ladies, we don't have to have kids. They're overrated.
Let's talk about the fathers, okay? Let's talk about the men.
My dad is a father.
He is. My dad is a father.
And I do know my dad. Sorry to fuck up the stereotype. I do.
Right? We get along really well.
He's a great guy. Mr. Hughes is amazing.
Fun fact about my dad, he's 60,
and he's in an over-fifties soccer team called Aston Viagra.
Okay?
[audience laughs]
That's my dad, Mr. Hughes. He's a great man. I love him.
I've got two older brothers. I love them too.
So I've got Alex, the security guard mistake. You know him.
He's gonna watch this and love this.
And then I've got Joel. He's like a happy accident.
And Alex and Joel, they are amazing.
Amazing men, great role models, fucking players.
My brothers are fucking players. Okay?
They caught so much puss…
[audience laughs]
…it ruined my life. Okay, I'll tell you a story.
My full name is London Dionne Micha Stacey Stephanie Estina Knibbs-Hughes.
I'll do it again. My full name is London Dionne Micha Stacey Stephanie
Estina Knibbs-Hughes. I remixed it. That's my full name.
So here's the thing.
After I came out,
like, my parents were so happy that I was born
that my mom thought it would be a great idea
if every member of my family…
[snaps a finger]
…gave me a name.
[audience laughs]
Okay, so, my parents called me London
'cause I'm from London, and they're not that creative.
And then I had Dionne, Dionne. Celine Dion.
Dionne Warwick. Dionne. Soulful, Dionne. Dionne
Thank you. That's from my grandma. And then I had Micha. Micha.
Colloquial. Colloquial. Micha. Micha. Colloquial. Colloquial.
That's from my dad.
And then I had Stacey!
[audience laughs]
That's from my brother, my brother Joel.
Then I had Stephanie!
[audience laughs]
That's from my brother Alex.
Then Estina. Latina!
Estina. Estina from my quarter-Cuban mother.
And then, my last name is Knibbs-Hughes. So that's my full name, right?
It's a nice name, but let's look at Stacey and Stephanie.
'Cause that shit don't float. Here we go, Stacey.
My brother Joel-- My brother Joel names me Stacey
after the chick he used to fancy in kindergarten class.
[audience laughs]
Called Stacey Hughes.
My brother at five years old named his only sister
after some bitch he used to eat glitter with. Right?
I don't know the bitch or what she's done with her life.
Actually, I was gonna call this special Looking for Stacey. Okay?
Where's the camera? Stacey Hughes, Stacey Hughes, who's 35,
and went to David Livingstone Primary School with my brother, Joel,
I need to let you know your name did not go in vain.
Greatness was named after you. Okay?
-[audience cheering, clapping] -You fucking made it.
Fucking made it, Stacey.
I hope you're not dead or a crackhead, but you fucking made it.
Fucking Stacey.
Don't know the bitch.
And then my brother Alex named me Stephanie.
Mm-hm. Stephanie. After his girlfriend.
[clicks tongue] Stephanie.
'Cause he wanted to prove to Stephanie… [clicks tongue]
…that he was serious.
[audience laughs]
About Stephanie.
He later cheated on Stephanie.
[audience laughs]
He cheated on Stephanie with Stacey.
[audience oohs]
Stephanie found out and keyed his car.
Stephanie stole his dog, Tupac.
He never got Tupac back.
And I still got the bitch's name!
These girls, Stacey and Stephanie! Oh, shit it out, Jesus Christ!
These are the men in my life. These are my role models.
These are who I look up to. No wonder I'm so fucked up. Okay?
No wonder. I try and be like them in every way. I try and be a player, man.
I try and be a player. Try to suck dick and be a player.
Try to fuck and suck dick and be a player.
But I couldn't fuck nor suck dick and be a player
'cause I hadn't grown into my face. Okay?
I was an ugly child. I'm hot now. I was ugly.
As a kid, I was a gremlin, a demon.
I looked like a feminine Jay-Z.
You can see it. There are remnants of it.
You can see it.
I got a hunchback of Notre No Dick. I had nothing.
I was, like-- Nobody wanted to fuck me. No one, no kids, nobody.
That sounds weird. But no one wanted to fuck me.
And the one thing I wanted to be in life,
the main thing I wanted with all of my vagina,
the one thing I wanted to be…
was a ho. Seriously. [chuckling]
Honestly, some kids wanna be like a teacher or invisible,
I wanted to be a ho, and my mom helped with that.
Sounds weird, but she did.
At age 14, my mom decided to leave London,
and she bought a hotel in Brighton.
Brighton's a seaside town outside London.
I was, like, "Cool! A whole new ho life. I'm gonna start again."
"I'm 14 years old. I'm gonna be catching so much seaside dick."
"I'm gonna be fucking on the beach."
Plus, she had a hotel.
It's got ho in the title.
I'll fuck on the beach and in the hotel!
Fucking on the beach and in the hotel.
Fucking! Fucking on the beach…
Fu… cking.
[audience chuckling]
I wasn't fucking on the beach or in the hotel.
I tell you why, fun fact:
Teenage boys don't like girls who write Frasier fan fiction, okay?
They don't!
I used to work myself into episodes of Frasier for fun, okay?
I was Denise, his adopted daughter, okay?
Teenage boys don't like Frasier. Seattle ain't sexy, okay?
I decided, if I was gonna be a ho, I needed to find ho friends.
Hos make the world go round. Ho friends are important.
And every group of girls has a ho friend. Even tonight.
Every single group of girls here has a ho friend.
Everyone has a ho friend.
And if you don't have a ho friend, that's because you are the ho friend.
Okay? Look around you. Look around you.
Ho! Ho! Ho! I can feel it. The pheromones.
I can feel it. There are some hos in this house, okay?
They'll be laughing the loudest next.
Trust me. There's some hos here. I know my people.
I searched Brighton for their best hos.
And I found three. The first ho I found. Her name was Tina.
Now Tina's a ho 'cause most girls lose their virginity at nighttime
in the bedroom to their boyfriend.
She lost hers in the daytime in a car park to someone else's boyfriend. [laughs]
She was fucking lovely but a fucking ho. That was Tina.
The next ho was called Dribbles. I'll leave it at that.
[audience laughs]
Dribbles. Dribbles.
[whispering] Dribbles.
Her name was Dribbles.
[mouthing] Alright.
The final ho was called Rita Who Has Chlamydia.
Full name! Maybe because there was a different girl in school
called Rita, who didn't have chlamydia.
So we had to tell the difference between them.
-Which Rita are we talking about? -Rita With Chlamydia.
Even though Rita had chlamydia,
she was so hot, the boys just risked it, you know what I mean?
She was worth a disease, okay?
These are my friends, and my nickname was:
Fourteen-Year-Old Virgin.
Yeah. Says a lot about seaside towns when "14-year-old virgin" is an insult.
Yeah? They were fucking in Brighton.
These were my girls, my squad, my besties. I fucking loved them.
We lived our best lives, sucked loads of dick,
and we were like a little girl group. Like the A-Team if "A" stood for anal.
Alright? These were my fucking homies.
And they taught me so much. Okay?
The first thing these girls taught me was how to suck dick. Oh!
I sucked it so well, they called me the seagull.
[imitates seagull sound]
Seagull.
[imitates seagull sound]
Seagull.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Seagull.
It's 'cause I swallow it. I thought that was clear. I swallow it whole.
Seagull.
[imitates seagull sound]
The second thing they taught me-- Now this is interesting.
The second thing they taught me,
I love saying this 'cause this separates the hos from the gals.
So this next thing they taught me was the ice cream trick.
Does anyone here-- Baby girl at the back.
Do you know that? Anyone know about the ice cream trick?
Okay. Listen, ladies. Okay.
Ladies, you know when you're fucking a guy, right?
I love how silent you've gone. You're like, "Let's go!"
"I wanna know about this ice cream trick!"
The hos are like, "I'm sorry. What? Lessons to be learned. Let's go."
"Take a note. She knows." Okay, take notes.
Ladies, you know when you're fucking a guy,
but there's too much pressure, and he goes limp.
That's never happened to me, but…
for some reason, he just goes limp. Yeah?
Here's what you do. Don't call the police. No, don't do that.
Go to the freezer and get some ice cream.
Take the ice cream. Don't put it on his dick.
That's how you get a yeast infection. Don't do that.
Feed him the ice cream, and something happens.
Ice cream's an aphrodisiac.
Something happens with the sweet and the cold.
And the dick brain and head brain align, and the dick will pop up for 17 seconds.
Jump on that shit and ride it into the night. It's not rape.
Ride it into the motherfucking night.
That's what you do, ladies. Trust me. It works. Love the ice cream trick.
The next thing the girls taught me was licking the gooch.
America, do you know what the gooch is?
There's a language barrier. You guys say something else.
I think you guys call it the "taint."
Right? The "taint." [chuckles]
We call it the "gooch," okay?
In Britain, we call it the "gooch." I'll explain.
There's a sensitive part in a man's life,
underneath the balls. A little sensitive strip.
A little sensitive strip that leads directly to the anus, okay?
That little landing strip.
Ladies, you lick that shit with your tongue.
Oh my God. Any man becomes your bitch. They're like…
Ooh! Oh my God.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh!
I like it. I like it. Ooh! Ah!
Don't get excited and lick the bum hole. They like it and think they're gay.
They're like, "Oh! I've never felt this way before."
Literally.
Any man becomes your bitch. They love it. They love it.
Lick the gooch, ladies. Lick it up, down, left, right. I call that a Gucci handbag.
[audience cheering, clapping]
Get yourself a Gucci handbag.
We all deserve a Gucci handbag.
And the final thing the A-Team taught me
was the big Black dick myth.
Okay? Yeah, you're laughing 'cause you understand there is a myth
that has plagued white men for centuries.
And they've suffered in silence.
[audience chuckling]
Suffered.
This is the myth, okay? No, this is serious.
[audience laughing]
This is the myth
that Black guys have bigger dicks than white guys.
[inhales, exhales]
You know it! Lies!
Lies! I'm here today to tell you, L.A., that it's not true!
It's not true, trust me, I did my research for the show, okay?
I did! I did! I did! I did! I did!
I did it. No, I did.
I fucked 100 white dudes, 100 Black dudes. Coagulated the figures, got the data!
I got it, okay? Here are my findings.
Uh, so, here's the thing.
Black guys don't have bigger dicks.
It's not true, white guys. You've been lied to.
Society has lied to you. It's not true. Black guys just have bigger default dicks.
Okay? For example, you're fucking a Black guy, right?
He whips it out, boom!
That's an exact representational of what it looks like, okay?
Boom, okay? But then, when he gets horny, it doesn't get bigger.
It just goes up.
It doesn't really get bigger. It just goes up.
Whereas white dudes will whip out some shit,
and you're like, "What the fuck is that?"
"What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that?"
"That won't even break the seal. What the fuck is that?"
But you give that shit a bit of love…
[audience chuckles]
…and that shit starts to grow…
into something magical.
I always feel so proud. I'm like, "I did that!"
"I made that shit grow!"
"I'm a farmer!"
"I fucking love that shit right there. I love it!"
[laughing]
It's true! See, I learned all of this from the ladies, from the A-Team.
After four years with them, I left Brighton 'cause I completed it.
[chuckles] I completed it. I fucked everyone.
I decided to move to London to suck dick in a new city, right?
I'm ready to suck dick, but also, maybe a career change.
[chuckles]
So I decided that I wanted to be on TV,
and I wanted to host TV shows.
And I auditioned to host a show on a cable channel.
I auditioned for it. It went really well, and I got the job, guys.
-I got my first TV job. Thank you. -[audience cheering, clapping]
I got my first TV job at 18.
Um, the channel was called Babestation.
Now, there's a language barrier. Let me explain what Babestation is.
Babestation is a live porn channel.
I was hosting a live porn channel. Like OnlyFans but for cable.
Right? I was hosting that. That was my first TV job.
I did it in the daytime 'cause I'm classy. So…
it was my job to keep talking on live TV, fully clothed, just keep talking.
At eleven o'clock, I went. The girls came out.
It was tits out, fingers in. I weren't part of that.
And I genuinely thought that even though I was hosting a live porn channel,
a TV exec somewhere out there
would find me at the back of cable.
Way at the back, and find me, and see me, and make me a star.
Even though I was hosting live porn,
all I could think about was content.
Give the people content.
So I came up with features for Babestation.
The first feature was called Hughes's Shoes.
Riveting stuff, where I'd talk about the shoes I was wearing that day.
So, I'd be like,
"Hi, you're watching Babestation with me, London Hughes."
"And now it's time for Hughes's Shoes."
I'd put my feet into shot and talk about my shoes.
Today high heels, tomorrow trainers,
the next day flip-flops, then flats.
And it got a lot of attention.
Mainly from old men, but a lot of attention.
They were texting and emailing.
-"Touch your feet." -"I'll touch my feet."
-"Lick your toes." -"I'll lick my toes."
-"Stroke your feet." -"I'll stroke my feet."
-"Kiss your feet." -"I'll kiss my feet."
And our viewers went up from three to seven. It was a hit.
Fucking loved it.
After three weeks of Hughes's Shoes, our producer asked to speak to me.
I was like, "Obviously, she's gonna give me a raise."
Oh, no. She said I was asking men to wank over my feet,
and I was lowering the tone of the show.
[audience laughing]
They complained, and they fired me. I got sacked on the spot.
I was fired, booted out of Babestation, goodbye!
It was really weird because my next job after that was hosting children's TV.
Seriously! My résumé reads, "Babestation, porn channel,"
and then "Children's BBC."
That was my next job.
Now, after getting the sack from a major porn channel,
I felt like I should start dating. I got stories to tell.
I started online dating, which was great, and I met this guy.
We were chatting online, and he had a foot fetish.
I knew he had a foot fetish
'cause he asked to see a picture of my feet.
He's like, "Send a picture of your feet." So I did. He's like, "Another one."
So I sent him the other foot.
[audience laughs]
You got two feet, so I did this one.
I got two feet, so I did that. He fucking loved it.
He loved seeing my toes.
He loved it!
He liked seeing my toes in different positions.
He liked toes up high, down low, by the sea, on a window ledge.
Fucking loved it. Right?
And we called it a little "toe toe shoot."
He was like, "The toe toe shoot." And I was sending pictures in.
We were toe sexting for, like, a week.
After that, he wanted to see me and my toes in real life.
-"I want to see you." -"Okay."
So I met him at Clapham Junction train station in south London.
It was winter, and I was wearing Ugg boots.
Let me not lie. I was broke. I was wearing Flugg boots, okay?
Reality, I was wearing Flugg boots.
And I met him. I gave him a hug. He hugged me back.
"Good to see you. [gasps] What are those?"
I was like, "Flugg boots. They're £20. I can get some for your sister."
He was like, "No! "No! No! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I don't care about the shoes."
"I care about the feet in the shoes."
"Why are your feet in those furry shoes?"
"They need to be free."
I was like…
"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!"
He was, like, "No, no, no, no. No!"
-"I'm not a weirdo. Trust--" -"No! You are!"
[yelling]
He was like, "No, no. I'm not a weirdo. I just love your toes."
-"They're beautiful." -"What do you want?"
He was, like, "Listen, listen. calm down."
"I would love it, love it, love it, if you just took the shoes off."
-"What?" -"Just take them off."
-"Take your feet out of the hairy shoes." -"No!"
-"Take 'em off." -"No!"
-"Take 'em off. I'll buy you new shoes." -"Okay!"
[audience laughing, clapping]
Okay! I took those fuckers off. I threw them on the train tracks.
I never saw that shit again. Okay?
I ran to his car barefoot like Fred Flintstone…
I got to his car.
He said he was gonna buy me some new shoes, and he did.
He took me to Harrods.
Harrods is the most bougiest,
expensive-assed department store in the whole of Europe.
It's so fucking bougie.
It's the only store where you can buy a TV and a real-life lion.
Honestly! It's fucking bougie. Fucking bougie.
He took me to Harrods. To Harrods.
I'm 18, never been in Harrods before.
I'm walking around, "Oh my God, look at the money."
Felt like the Black woman in Pretty Woman that didn't exist.
I was like, "Oh my God!"
"This is so amazing! This is just amazing."
He took me to the shoe department bit in Harrods.
And there were some expensive-ass shoes.
There were wall-to-wall expensive shoes. I was like, "Oh my God."
He took out a pair of shoes I can't pronounce.
You know those Minono-- Minonos--
The Minono Bohniks.
You know, the Sex And The City shoes.
The shoes that look like they should come with a free cocktail.
He got me Minono Bohniks.
I ain't put on stilettos before in my life.
I'm putting these shoes on and trying to walk like a professional human, okay?
And I'm all Bambi on ice, just trying to…
struggle with these Minono Bohniks, trying to act like I know what I'm doing.
I'm like, "This is great. Oh, my!"
They cost £1,200! They were red.
He bought me red shoes! Okay?
I had red shoes on my feet. I was ready!
I was living my best life. Okay?
-[audience clapping] -I couldn't believe it.
It felt like I'd won the lottery.
We went back to his house.
I remember walking into his bedroom, bursting open the door.
And I was taken aback.
I was startled.
I was surprised. I was shocked.
Because in his room
was wall-to-wall-to-wall of designer women's shoes.
Right? And I was-- I was in awe.
He came up behind me, and it was like that scene in Lion King.
He was like, "All this could be yours."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"From the Louboutins in the east,
to the Pradas in the west."
"All this could be yours."
And I'm like, "I'm ready!"
"I'm ready to suck dick for shoes."
[singing tune of The Lion King]
[roaring]
I seagull-ed the fuck out of him. [caws]
[audience laughing]
I fucked him good!
After the sex, he gifted me a pair of shoes.
[laughing]
I was with him for six weeks.
I got 12 pairs of shoes!
Yes, that's right! 12 pairs of shoes.
I was so into him. I loved him. I wanted to marry him.
I don't remember his name, but I loved him.
I loved him. I wanted to walk down the aisle…
[singing tune of "Here Comes The Bride"]
But… randomly out of the blue,
a week later, he broke up with me like that.
He was cheating on me. I know 'cause I saw the bitch's toes on his laptop. Right?
He found a new bitch. Apparently she puts nail polish on her toes.
Some shellac bitch. Some gel bitch.
Fucking bitch!
Left me for her, and then I was like,
"You know what, I'm really upset, but I get to keep the shoes, right?"
I won 12 pairs of shoes. They were mine.
I sucked dick for those shoes. Mine.
He was like, "Oh, no. They're my shoes."
And he took the shoes back.
Don't, no. 'Cause I'm still triggered. Don't.
It was like saying goodbye to my children,
"Bye, Louis. Bye, Christian."
"Bye, Yves Saint-Laurent. See you later."
[audience laughing]
And then-- [laughs] Your laugh is epic.
I never saw the shoes again. Okay?
I never-- Listen. No, I'm still triggered.
But I knew that relationship fucked me up
because most girls after a relationship ends,
they get a new wardrobe or new hairdo. I had to get a pedicure, okay?.
Had to put some glitter on my toes to remind me I was that bitch, alright?
Thank you. I walked out of his life and into a new relationship.
Kind of. I started chatting to this guy.
He's famous now. He's a boxer in the UK.
And, I mean, at the time he wasn't as famous as me,
and now he's fucking famous, right?
But here's the thing. I sucked his dick in 2012, right?
And in 2012, he won gold in the Olympics.
Okay? That just goes to show…
That just goes to show I give the blowjobs of champions.
[mimicking blowjob sounds]
Ask about me.
His name wasn't B.J., but it did sound similar.
Anyway, so the next guy I got with, he was a white guy.
I love white guys. White guys are great.
Fucking awesome.
There's a certain type of white guy that I love. They are my kryptonite.
You understand that type of white guy when I say, all malnourished.
[audience laughs]
The malnourished white guy
with the man bun and the ukulele for no reason.
The little malnourished vegan. Malnourished-vegan white guy. Love it.
I like to collect them like Pokémon. Like, "Gotcha, Ian."
[audience laughs]
"Gotcha, Brian. Gotcha."
I fucking love it. I found a rare white guy in the wild.
Little vegan one. Proper rare, right? And I got him!
He was great, lovely. He was so grateful to be dating a Black girl.
But here's the thing why. He had a Black girl fetish.
Yeah. I knew he had a Black girl fetish. Just disgusting.
I knew he had one because he called me a Nubian queen.
Ugh !
Oh my God, white guys, don't call Black girls Nubian queens.
Like me calling you Caucasian prince. Your name's Steve. Okay?
Your name's fucking Steve, Steve. I'm calling you Steve.
Steve was so grateful to be with me,
but he had a Black girl fetish, and was a bit kinky.
He was a bit freaky.
He was a bit weird. Okay?
One day he came in from work and was like…
It's my impression of him,
Oh. Uh. Oh.
Oh-uh.
"London? Oh!"
"How sexually free are you?"
I was like, "What?"
He was like, "How-- How…"
"How sexually free are you?"
I was like, "I got sacked from a major porn channel
and suck dick for shoes."
"I'm as sexually free as can be. Right? So there we go."
"I'm sexually free."
"I don't even know what's with that attitude."
"I'm fucking sexually free." He was like, "Okay, well,
I just-- I just feel like we should role-play."
"Like… Have-- Have-- Have you ever role-played?"
I was like, "No!"
"I'm a Black woman. The role I'm playing is hard enough."
Have I ever fucking role played?
What the fuck is that shit?
Pretending! Fuck that!
This is odd. Okay? He was like,
"I just feel like we should role-play, and I really-- I really want to act out
Fifty Shades of Grey."
[audience laughs]
Now here's the thing.
Here's the thing, L.A. I-- I ain't never seen the film.
I haven't read the book 'cause it's fucking beneath me. Okay?
It's beneath all of us. It's fucking trash. Okay?
But I am adventurous. I like a challenge.
So I was like, "Fuck it! I'll try it. What do you have to do?"
He was like, "Okay, so, we-- We have to have sex
in the characters of-- of the film. Okay?"
[stuttering]
"Are you going to do it? Are you going to do it?"
I was like, "Yeah, sure, I'll do it!"
So he got into character. He was like,
[exhales]
"I'm Christian Grey."
"I'm a white man, and I'm rich. That means I can abuse you."
I think that's the premise of the fucking movie. Right?
[audience clapping]
The premise.
Then I have to get into character as the girl in the movie,
but the girl in the movie ain't got that much character.
So I was like,
[audience laughing]
"Hi!"
"I'm in the movie too."
[audience chuckling]
"Hi."
"I'm basic."
"I'm basic. I'm gonna-- I'm here. I'm here."
"Okay, what do I do? What do I do?"
And he's like, "Okay, we have sex in the characters."
"So just get into character, and fuck me!"
I said, "Okay."
"It's gonna be great, amazing. It's gonna be amazing."
So he laid me down, right?
Laid me on the bed, "Are you ready?"
I was like, "Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. Ooh!"
"I'm gonna tell my book club about this. Woo-hoo! It's amazing!"
Great!
He said, "Close your eyes." I closed my eyes.
"Breathe in, breathe out."
[breathing happily]
Then he counted. "One…
[breathing audibly]
two…
[breathing audibly]
three…"
Ah!
Ah! Ah!
"I'm going to get the whip."
And then he walked out.
[audience laughing]
Nah!
Whipping for me…
[audience laughing]
culturally…
it doesn't end well.
I've never been whipped,
but I feel like I've worn the scars of it on my back my whole life, okay?
So when the white man went to get the whip…
I realized…
we weren't playing Fifty Shades of Grey.
We were playing 12 Years A Slave.
[audience laughing, clapping]
He…
He came out with the whip.
I ran for my life, guys!
I fucking ran. I escaped slavery.
Guys, I escaped slavery.
I did.
I escaped.
I'm here to tell the tale.
After my stint with a slave master,
I realized I was looking for dick in all the wrong places.
I shouldn't be catching slavery dick.
No one should be catching slavery dick, okay?
I decided to not go out and find the dick.
I should just standstill, and let the dick come to me, okay?
You know it. So I started doing stand-up comedy!
-[cheering, clapping] -Yeah!
'Cause here's my thing!
If you can watch me chat shit for 20 minutes,
you can definitely fuck me, init?
You know it! You know it!
I'm gonna do stand-up comedy.
I started doing stand-up and was performing in Britain.
I was fucking funny. I killed it.
I was going out on stage to a mainly white audience,
having a great time.
Afterward, white people came up to me and said,
"Oh my God. You're so funny. You should go to Edinburgh."
I was like, "Cool." They were like, "You are so funny."
"You should go to Edinburgh."
-"Cool." -"You're funny. Go to Edinburgh."
I thought it was a hate crime. Didn't know there was anything there.
I was like, "You go to Edinburgh!"
"I'm from Croydon! You go to fucking Edinburgh!"
"Fuck off! Don't tell me to go to Edinburgh! Fucking racist!"
Turns out there's a comedy festival in Edinburgh. Yeah!
Yeah. The Edinburgh Comedy Festival.
So I went there, and that's where I saw
male comics get treated like gods!
Male comics get treated like gods by women, by us,
because we have no sense, ladies.
We have no-- No, we don't. We have no sense. Okay?
I saw these male comics on stage,
and I realized that women will fuck you if you're funny.
You don't have to be good-looking or have money.
But women will fuck you if you're funny! Okay?
I noticed it with all these comics.
All these comics were telling jokes,
and the women in the audience were going crazy!
Screaming, laughing, fluffing up the nani. Going crazy!
Going crazy for these men!
Ready to risk it all over basic observational skills
on their family dynamic. Right?
And these comics are on stage chatting shit.
And women in the audience are lapping it up, lapping it up!
It doesn't work the other way around.
Female comics do not get to fuck models.
My dating history looks like a who's who of Uber drivers.
[audience laughs]
Okay?
I don't get to fuck models! Google your favorite male comics.
These Daves and Eds, they're are not fucking Angies and Pattys.
They're fucking Mimis, and Salanas, and Kombuchas.
Otherworldly-wheatgrass-infused bitches. It's not fair! It's not fair!
'Cause I can't compete, okay?
And it's not just like that in Britain. That shit is universal.
I've seen it here, in America.
I was watching Saturday Night Live.
It's a very niche program. I don't know if you're aware of it.
It's on Saturday nights, and it's live--
It's niche. It's above you, I mean…
It's too highbrow, Saturday Night Live.
I was watching this show called Saturday Night Live,
and there was comics on there telling jokes.
There's this white guy on there, and God bless him, I would fuck him.
'Cause he looks like a charming fum. Okay?
His name is Colin Jost. Okay?
Anyone here know? Colin Jost is just gorgeous.
What a chin, jaw. Sexy, fum energy. Right?
And I saw that, and I thought, "I could fuck him."
"I could fuck him."
I looked at his details, see what he was saying.
Googled him, went on his Instagram.
He is married to Scarlett Johansson.
This average-looking fum-looking white man
is married to Scarlett Johansson,
the most beautiful Asian actress in all of America.
[audience cheers]
It's not fair!
[audience clapping]
It's not fair.
I couldn't believe it when I saw it.
Look at Pete fucking Davidson.
Pete fucking Davidson.
Fucked Ariana Grande and Kate Beckinsale.
Meanwhile, me, in my current form,
I'm not hot enough to suck Larry David's dick. I'm not.
He'd be like, "No." I'd be like, "No."
-"No." -Agh!
-"Larry." -"No. No!"
It's not fair! [chuckles]
We live in this world, and it's not fair for me 'cause…
I can't compete with these otherworldly-wheatgrass-infused bitches.
'Cause I'm not an otherworldly- wheatgrass-infused bitch. I'm just…
banter and ass, okay?
I'm banter and ass, and I try and change myself,
exercise and stuff, work out and get healthy.
And I try and exercise, work out and get healthy, but I can't.
Because I'm perfect. Okay?
I can't do that shit 'cause I'm fucking perfect.
I can't. I'm perfect. I'm fucking perfect.
When I put on weight, I put on weight in my stomach.
So much so that if you go to Google and type in, "Is London Hughes",
the first thing that comes up is "pregnant."
My mom showed me that, fucking bitch! That's the truth.
I put weight on my stomach area. Some people call this a food baby.
I don't call it a food baby. I call this a wealth gut.
This is a wealth gut. This means you can afford brunch.
[audience clapping, cheering]
Okay? It's a wealth gut.
Henry VIII had one. I'm fine. Okay?
It's a wealth gut. Ceviche, Taco Tuesday.
It's a wealth gut.
Okay? Fucking wealth gut.
I try to work out.
My friend said, "Why don't you just work out."
"Just try it."
I got one of those workout DVDs. I put it in, and this woman,
this high-metabolism bitch, just staring at me
after you just ate a fucking pizza or some shit. She's staring.
"Okay, let's work out!"
"Okay? Okay! Okay? Okay!"
"And one."
And I'm doing it with her. I'm just… Hoo! Working out.
[breathing rhythmically]
After 10 minutes, I have to sit down and watch it like a film!
[audience laughing]
Might as well have been Avatar or some shit. Fantasy shit.
Shit that would never happen in real life.
Fantasy shit. Exercise! Exercise is shit.
Exercise on purpose!
Exercising on purpose.
Running up and down on purpose.
Exercise. Working out. Jogging. Jogging.
Running? [stuttering]
Mara-- Marathons? Fuck marathons!
White privilege is running even though no one ain't chasing you!
[audience laughing]
"I'm running, okay? But I'm not in danger."
"I'm jogging. I'm running. I'm not in danger."
"There's no one behind me."
"No police, nobody. But I'm running for fun."
Fuck that shit!
Fucking white privilege!
I hate it!
Which means in the world of comedy,
I can't fuck comedians because I'm not hot enough to fuck a comedian.
I'm not even hot enough to fuck Mr. Bean. Okay?
Honestly, that sounds like a joke, but it's true.
Rowan Atkinson, who plays Mr. Bean, catches puss.
He catches puss.
Rowan Atkinson stole my mate's girlfriend. True story.
We live in a world where Mr. Bean can take your gal.
It's fucking crazy!
It's hard out here for female comedians. No one talks about it. It's so hard.
It's so hard for me
because I'm not hot enough to fuck male comics.
Not really hot enough for that.
But also, I'm above all you civilian men. So it's just…
[audience laughs]
What do I do? Do you know what I mean?
I'm above civilian men, but…
I try and fuck a civilian guy at least once a week.
You've got to give back to the community.
I try. Go out there and fuck a civilian.
Ladies, fuck a civilian man. You gotta try.
So I fuck a civilian man, but it's hard because they don't understand my genius.
I'm a comedy queen. You have a nine-to-five.
I live my best life. You don't understand.
But I tried to fuck this civilian guy, ladies. This is how it went.
You know when you're fucking a guy.
You finish fucking him, but for some reason, he's still there.
[audience laughs]
He's still there, not paying rent.
He's still in your bed.
You fucked him. The fuck was over. He's--he's still there.
I fucked this guy. He was still there afterwards.
I was five minutes away from kicking him out of my house
'cause I really needed to fart. Okay?
Men, when you leave, we fart. Okay?
And the fart is long and spiritual. Okay?
Oh, shit! Dating will fuck up your colon.
Just holding that shit in since appetizers. I needed to fart. Okay?
He's in my bed not paying rent. I need to fart. Right?
Here's the thing. The sex was shit, and the sex was shit
because he didn't go down on me properly.
Okay? Innit, you know.
He went down on me, but he didn't go down on me properly.
I wanted him to sea biscuit. Do you know what I mean?
[blowing]
Sea biscuit, right?
I wanted him to sea biscuit. He did not sea biscuit me.
Oh, no. He did not.
I wanted… [blowing] sea biscuit.
He did not sea biscuit. Oh, no.
He disrespected it. Right?
He treated it like a rapper too scared to battle. He was like…
[audience laughing, clapping]
[breathing audibly]
[puffs in mic]
[audience laughs]
Are you fucking kidding me?
What the fuck is that shit, man?
Sea biscuit means deep dive, go down, find my Nemo.
Find my Nemo!
[audience clapping]
Deep dive that shit!
Swim in that shit!
Make some fucking memories.
Don't treat it like a rapper that's too scared to battle.
-Men, make some noise. -[audience cheering]
Okay. Men, you are shit!
That's how you are. You're shit.
You think you can go down on women properly.
But you fucking can't.
Men cannot go down on women properly. It's not your fault.
Society has let you get away with it. It really has.
Society tells women from the age of eight,
we got to grow up and suck dick. We know that.
Ladies, we know it.
We grow up and suck dick.
It's everywhere, in songs, in movies, in popular culture.
It's been put in our-- Literally put in our faces.
We know that at some point, we're gonna have to suck a dick.
We've got to practice. I've been practicing.
We've been practicing.
When the moment comes, we know what we're doing.
Men-- Men ain't been told that shit.
Because going down on women is not normalized,
but sucking dick is normalized.
And it's a fucking joke. It's a joke, guys.
I can't take it. It's true. It's true.
I want sitting on faces to be normalized like sucking dick.
I'll prove how it's so normalized.
Listen, imagine you're watching a film.
All of a sudden, you see a car driving down a long dirt road.
There's a guy driving the car.
He's like, "Oh, I'm driving a car, down a dirt road."
"Mysterious, I'm in a movie driving a car."
Then all of a sudden, a girl appears from his crotch like…
[audience laughs]
"I just sucked his dick."
It's perfectly fine. No one bats an eyelid.
You never see a woman driving a car…
[blows in mic]
Ooh! Ooh! All of a sudden, a man appears from her crotch…
[screams]
His face all sweaty, hand to his face.
[screams]
[audience laughs]
You never see it.
[audience clapping]
It's not normalized.
I want sitting on face to be commonplace. I want to go out on a Friday night
and look down the alleyway and not see blow jobs. Oh, no.
I want to see girls sitting on faces, sitting on faces, sitting on faces.
Sitting on faces. Texting their friends, like,
"Babes, I'm gonna come once I come. Okay?"
"I'm coming. Give me two minutes." [groans]
"No teeth!" That's what I want, right?
I fucking want that shit. I want sitting on face to be commonplace.
I want to see a girl behind a parked car like this,
and not automatically think she's peeing.
[audience laughs]
She's sitting on face. She's sitting on face.
I want to use it as a form of communication.
A guy will be like, "Hello," and I'll be like, "Shut up!" Okay?
"I'm sitting on face."
That is the future I want. Sitting on face will be commonplace.
That's the future I want. That's the Brexit I want.
[clapping, cheering]
That's right.
Sitting on face!
[cheering]
My manifesto. That's my manifesto.
Here's the thing. I had sex with this guy. It was shit. I faked an orgasm.
He didn't go down properly. He's in bed, not paying rent and I need to fart.
And he's in bed,
and he wants
to pillow talk.
Pillow talk is only pillow talk when you love the person.
When you don't love the person,
that is a hot breath chat.
[audience laughs]
He wanted to hot breath chat with me in my bed, not paying rent.
He was like…
[smacks lips] "Uh, ugh, uh…"
"What is it you say you do again?"
I was like, "I said… [laughs] I said I was a comedian."
He was like, "Oh, I thought you were joking."
I was like, "No, I only do that when I get paid."
[audience laughs]
I'm a comedian, right?
Then he said the one thing all civilian men say to me
when I tell them I'm a comedian.
The one thing all civilian men say
when I say I'm a comedian.
He said, "You're not going to put me in a joke, are you?"
[audience laughs]
Put you in a joke?
Because you think I don't have enough to joke about myself.
I'm a woman, okay? I can joke about anything.
I can joke about unequal pay. I can joke about crazy beauty standards.
I can joke about the fact… Thank you. Yeah. It's fucking shit.
…I leave my house every morning knowing full well I could get raped,
but do it anyway 'cause I'm adventurous. Okay?
I can joke about that, but you think I'll joke about you?
Me, London Hughes, the queen of comedy do a joke about you?
A man, who at dinner when the waiter asks, "How'd you like your steak?"
replied, "Cooked." Then laugh so hard, you spat into my mojito!
You think I'd do a joke about you?
[audience chuckles]
Well, yeah.
And then I put it on Netflix!
Ha-ha!
[clapping, cheering]
Oh!
Oh, um… Oh!
And sorry, I just farted. [chuckles]
I never saw him again. [laughs]
He was a fart-fucking duck. Okay?
But after he left and the smell cleared, I thought about my life.
I've had a long dick-catching career. Twelve years of catching dick.
Twelve long years of catching dick. All different types of dick.
Black dick, white dick, young dick, old dick.
All the dicks. Every type of dick. Okay?
Rich dick, poor dick, royalty dick.
Royalty dick, seriously. Well, kind of.
I did a gig. I did a show, and Prince Charles was there.
Prince actual Charles. He was there. Afterward, he came up to me,
and told me that I was far too pretty to be a comedian.
[audience laughs]
Is that a compliment or an insult?
I don't know. Fuck it. The future King of England thinks I'm hot.
I would've sucked his dick too if Camilla weren't there. [caws]
I would have done it. I would've curtsied.
I would've stood there, "Knight me."
[audience laughs]
[laughing, clapping]
Got me some Meghan Markle money. I would've fucking done it.
I would have fucking done it!
Black princess, I would've done it.
So I nearly fucked Prince Charles. Um…
Oh, I fucked rich dick, poor dick,
and there was one dick in particular that changed my whole life.
I'll tell you about this dick. He was a very important dick to me. Bless him.
And I'll tell you.
Recently I did a Facebook quiz. You know those Facebook quizzes
where basically you enter the information, and it tells you who you are.
You know those?
So I did one of those. Turns out I'm a middle-class white guy. Right?
So now that I was a middle-class white guy,
I needed to fuck some middle-class white men.
So you gotta find them first. I'll tell you where they all are.
They're all in the Westfield Shopping Center.
Go to Westfield Shopping Center and just walk around.
A middle-class white guy will walk up to you.
Even if it's to ask, "What size is this?" They'll walk up to you.
So this guy walked up to me.
He was like, "Hey." And I was like, "Hi, hi."
And he was an investment banker.
I don't know what that is.
[audience laughs]
But it sounds like money.
Sounds like, "You're good with numbers. you should have mine."
[audience laughing, clapping]
Fucking worked. No, it worked. It worked. It worked. It worked.
I got his number. He got mine. We were talking. He was like,
"I wanna take you on a date tomorrow." The next day was tomorrow.
[audience laughs]
He picked me up outside my house.
I had a beautiful apartment in Chelsea 'cause I got money in London.
He pulled up outside my house in…
a Ferrari!
A real one, not the little key chain one, the real--
I'd never seen one, a real Ferrari. He pulled up-- vrrr…
in his Ferrari with the windows down, music blazing, just… [imitates beats]
…in a Ferrari. My neighbors were like, "Who's that?"
I'm like, "Fuck off, bitch. It's not your Uber. It's for me."
-"Who's that?" -Mind your business.
So, I come out. I come out, right? I'm like, "Oh my God, a Ferrari!"
And I get in the car, and we're just cruising.
And it's so beautiful. The sun is shining.
It's the hottest day of the year.
We're cruising in a Rari. I'm living my best life.
The music's playing, and I feel like I'm in a music video.
I'm just like… [singing tunes]
I got too excited. He said, "Get off the trunk."
I was like, "Sorry."
"Sorry, I was twerking on the trunk."
"I'm sorry." I got back in the car, and I was like,
"Honey, where are we going?"
He was like, "We are going to Hyde Park for a picnic."
Hyde Park is a beautiful park in Central London.
I was like, "Yes! A picnic in the park."
"Hottest day of the year, fucking Ferrari. Let's go."
He drives me to Central London.
He pays for parking in Central London.
It's expensive.
He pays for parking. We pull up. We find a spot in the park.
He goes like this. That's not his dick. That's the mat.
He puts the mat down. And he brings out this picnic hamper.
I'm like, "Oh my God!"
He opens up the picnic hamper,
and there's so much expensive food in there, guys.
Honestly, there was like Whole Foods' food.
Whole Foods. I was eating upper-middle-class strawberries.
I was eating cheese with white girl's names like Brie.
I fucking--
[audience laughs]
I fucking made it. Know what I mean? I was living my best life.
I'm eating this Brie cheese, and I'm like, "I'm living my best life."
All I could think of, in that moment, is that I wanted to fuck him in the park.
"That's all I want to do. I want to fuck you in the park."
"I hope you don't say anything stupid 'cause we're gonna fuck in the park."
I'm thinking how am I gonna fuck him.
What's the angle, Kama Sutra…
I'm thinking all that.
He's doing his thing, I'm like, "It's going to be amazing."
"We're gonna have the best sex, the best park sex ever."
Then all of a sudden,
shit went left.
He starts sneezing. "Achoo!"
"Achoo!"
Now, allergies are real.
I give him some Claritin and say, "Shut the fuck up!" Alright?
"Take Claritin, shut up. You're killing my vibe."
He's still sneezing. "Achoo!"
"Achoo!" I'm like, "My God. Are you okay? Is there something wrong?"
"Achoo!" Still sneezing, right?
All of a sudden, he goes pale.
And he's already white, so paler than that.
[audience laughs]
He goes pale, okay? Then his head starts moving like this.
He looks a bit woozy, like he's gonna be sick.
His hand starts shaking. I'm like, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." And his voice goes so high.
He's like, "Achoo! I'm okay."
All of a sudden, I'm like, "You don't look so well."
He vomits on himself and then passes the fuck out.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. Now, here's the thing.
I'm a Black girl.
He's a half-dead white dude.
And we're in a park.
I've seen the movie. This shit does not end well for me. Okay?
It really doesn't, right?
So I'm like, "Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up!"
He's in and out of consciousness. "Oh! Oh my God. Bleurp! I'm so sorry."
I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing?" "I'm so sorry."
"I can't do this. Live your best life."
He's like, "No, no. Don-- Bleurp! Don't leave."
I'm like, "How can I help? Call the police, an ambulance?"
He's like, "No. If you call an ambulance
my work will find out and fire me."
I'm like, "What do you want from me? What is wrong with you?"
He says, "It's okay. It's-- Bleurp"
"Oh, God! It's okay. Brrr."
"It's okay. I'm just having… I'm having…
a methadone comedown."
[audience chuckles]
Methadone
comedown.
Now, I'm not a druggy person.
The only thing I sniff is Vicks VapoRub.
[audience laughing]
So I didn't know what a methadone comedown was.
Turns out,
methadone is a drug that they give recovering heroin addicts.
I found a recovering-heroin-addict investment banker.
And I was gonna fuck him in the park.
What are the chances, right?
I'm like, I can't do this. Too much for me.
I've seen Wolf of Wall Street. Fuck this life.
He was like, "Please, help me." "I can't help you."
And I couldn't help him. I didn't pay attention in lifesaving school.
I didn't know what to do. I can't do the recovery position.
"Can I offer doggy style?" That's all I could do.
"Sit on your face? What do you want?"
He's like, "Help me."
"Bleugh!" "What can I do for you?"
"You need to-- Bleurp! You need to-- Uh…"
"You need to-- Bleurp! You need to drive me home."
[audience chuckles]
"Drive…
the Rari?"
-"Yeah, can you drive?" -"I played Mario Kart."
[audience laughs]
It's doable. It's doable.
He said, "I just live 10 minutes away in Pimlico."
"Just drive me home, please. It won't take long to drive me home."
I was like, "I can do this."
So I bundled this half-dead white dude into the Ferrari, right?
I get in the Ferrari. Now, here's the thing.
I know we're in a rush. It was an emergency,
but I was going as slow as I can
'cause bitches need to see me in a Ferrari.
Yeah!
That's right! That's right!
I made it.
I've got a half-dead white dude in the car, but I'm in a Rari, okay?
I took the long way around. I hit traffic.
It felt like I was in a parade. I was just, "Yes. Yes."
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Ignore the half-dead white dude. Eh!
"I'm in a Rari."
I got to his house about four and a half hours later.
[audience laughs]
Four and a half hours later.
We pull up outside his house. I helped him up. He goes up the stairs,
and his house is fucking beautiful. Seven mill, easy.
Fucking money, right? I'm walking around the house, like,
"Oh shit! If he dies, maybe there's a will."
Know what I mean? Silver lining or some shit. Who knows?
He goes straight to the bathroom, closes the door. I'm standing outside,
trying not to steal shit, right?
[audience laughs]
He's in the bathroom for five minutes. He comes out like nothing ever happened.
He comes out, like…
[audience laughing]
"You're special."
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
He was like, "You're special. Sorry about that mishap."
"Mishap?"
"Mishap? I was almost on Cops."
"What do you mean 'mishap'?"
-"Hey, hey, hey, calm down." -"I'm not gonna calm down."
"I was eating fucking Brie cheese one minute,
next minute, I'm driving you home. You're half-dead."
"You're alive! Okay, great! What the fuck?"
He was like, "Chill. You're being too much."
[audience laughing]
Too much.
Then he said, "Let's get back to where we left off,"
and starts kissing my neck.
My vagina left my body.
[audience laughing]
Left it.
I was having an out-of-body experience. I was out-of-body. "Oh my God."
"Oh my God."
After all that, this guy still thinks he can fuck me. Oh my God.
I need to carry myself with all the confidence of a mediocre man.
Oh my God.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Wow."
"Okay. Okay."
"You may be 31. You may be single."
"But at least you're not that loser, okay?"
"And if he still can get women, then you are not the problem here, okay?"
"And maybe, maybe he thinks you're too much,
but if he thinks you're too much, then that's because he's just not enough."
Right?
[audience clapping]
Ladies…
Ladies, I was in a new horizon. New ho-rizon.
[audience laughing]
Ho-rizon, okay?
For the first time in my life, I did not want to fuck him.
My mind was open, but my vagina was closed.
I didn't wanna fuck him. I felt good. I was like, "I'm better than this."
"I'm a fucking queen, don't need this."
"I'm London Hughes, and I'm gonna be fine with my single ass anyway. I got this."
I was ready to storm off.
He didn't know that I was having an epiphany.
He was still wanking over my leg.
He was wanking like Louis C.K. in a green room.
Wanking over my leg at the time, right?
He had no idea I was having this epiphany.
I broke free from his embrace. I said, "Fuck that noise!"
I stormed out of his house with all the power
of a thousand destiny's children.
He ran after me, "Are we not fucking?"
I was like, "No, no, no, no, no!"
[audience laughs]
"If we're not fucking, at least let me give you some money for a cab home."
I was like, "Okay."
He gave me £300 for a cab ten minutes back to my house in Chelsea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I looked at that money.
Ugh!
And I did what any self-respecting
feminist-queen-comedy icon
called London Hughes would do.
I sat on his face, and I bought some shoes.
Thank you!
[cheering, clapping]
Oh my God!
Thank you so much, guys.
[cheering, clapping]
This has been To Catch a Dick.
Thank you.
Can I just say-- Can I just say, you've been fucking great.
Everything I've said on this stage is 100% true.
Men, if you saw that and you still want to fuck me,
my DMs are open.
I'm trying to catch a dick.
Thank you!
[upbeat music playing]
I'm so dead!
Thank you!
You're special.
Thank you so much.
[caws]
Sitting on faces. Sitting on faces.
Thank you so much, guys!
Don't stop!
Fucking hell!
"London?" Oh!