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(dramatic music)
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(camera shutter clicking)
(bright music)
- [Director] Kalamazoo take one and we're rolling.
(bright music)
- [Man] One, two.
One, two.
(upbeat music)
(bright music)
(hand knocking)
- Told you.
- [Sean] Your second hand is a little fast.
Don't you think?
- Two minutes.
That's a new record for you, Oscar.
- It's a minute 48 according to my watch.
- Still a record.
- Can someone hand me a pen?
- [Patrick] Oh, hello to you, too.
- We all know when we come into Oscar's house,
it's always don't talk to me but I will be in here.
- Pen, please.
- I have a pencil.
That's all I have.
- You know what?
No time for your diary.
We're going.
- Give me that.
- Seriously, we just need to let him burn himself out.
Here, Vodka.
Wait, this guy looks like the guy from "Ghostbusters".
- That's my dad.
- Sorry.
- [Narrator] So begins "Moondance,
a Love Story in Five Acts".
Meanwhile across town.
No, no.
This is not right.
- Oh hello.
You come here often?
I like this bus stop.
I mean, all bus stops are good if you wanna go somewhere,
but usually you're stuck looking at a shopping center
or a busy intersection.
Not here.
Company's better, too.
Well have a nice ride.
- Scared the flutist was gonna break your kneecaps.
- I'm so scared of that anvil player.
That's who I've been scared of.
- No, no, the anvil player's a pushover,
but I'm almost done with my burger.
Can we head back now?
- Not so fast, cowboy.
- Pew pew.
- Did you guys really lore me to Gatsby's
with a cheap burger?
- Just go inside, man.
For the record, the burger's weren't cheap.
- Yeah, for the record you're a millionaire.
- Hello, children of the world.
I call this one dark empire.
Dark skies and then I wonder.
Will I ever see the sun again?
This caffeinated drink I drink at what cost?
Dark skinned workers labor so I can drink this dark drink?
Will it ever end this slavery to a dark empire?
- Pat, is there a bar?
- Yeah.
(bright music)
- Nice belt.
Be a shame if somebody traded you
two free toast coupons for it.
- [Oscar] What?
- Me.
The hypothetical person in this situation is me.
And you look like a bacon man to me.
No bacon out there, friend.
- [Oscar] No, I just missed someone.
(upbeat music)
♪ It's a beautiful day ♪
♪ Today is gonna be my day ♪
♪ Nothing's standing in my way ♪
♪ How's it going, kid ♪
♪ Better thanks to you, Sid ♪
♪ That's good to hear ♪
♪ I'll be on my way ♪
♪ Hey Abby ♪
♪ Look at all the people around ♪
♪ Listen to the musical sound ♪
♪ Is it weird that I've got backup dancers ♪
♪ And there's a five piece jazz band ♪
♪ Playing tunes to my lines ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Thanks for putting on the show ♪
♪ But I'm afraid it's time for me to go ♪
♪ It's been great to have you ♪
♪ And we mean it now ♪
♪ We'll do it all over again ♪
- Ah.
What are you doing in my house?
- Eating a bacon bowl.
- How do you know where I live?
You stole my wallet?
- No, I borrowed your wallet so I could find you.
You're out of bacon by the way.
- [Oscar] Please leave.
I'm busy.
- That's not how you should treat a guest.
- You're not a guest.
You broke in.
- Guest is a fluid term, Oscar.
I am in your house.
I am eating your food.
- You aren't supposed to be.
What are you doing?
- Answering obvious questions I suppose.
You see.
You see, we're here.
- [Oscar] Why is my house an eyeball?
- Why is Justin Bieber?
- Why is Justin Bieber what?
- Justin Bieber.
- Look, I need to get going so.
- Cool it, Turbo.
You're gonna want the map.
You see I've marked out all 22 dance studios
in the greater metropolitan area
and devised the most efficient route to each one.
You never got your car back last night.
- I never got my car back last night.
Sean.
Sean, give me my car keys.
You borrowed them last night.
- Yes, I did.
Oh, you want them back?
Wait, how did you even get here?
(upbeat music)
- Stock market crash.
Can I get 14,000 of your IPAs?
Oh, you can go ahead and put his on mine, too.
(upbeat music)
- Whoa, hold on.
I don't think we can fit anymore in the car.
- Oh.
Oh, we'll make it work.
(tape whirring)
- He was the most ambitious man in politics.
You can learn a thing or two from him.
Not the assassination.
The ambition.
Anyway, all this time born to the fact
that he'd been planning this for awhile.
Had the CIA and the FBI in his pocket.
Thought I'd ever.
The man used to drop his pants in the middle of.
I was reading full stories.
Gold is gray.
Right into the White House.
And then he has the power to hire
from anyone who wants to look.
All the way up to poor old Jackie.
Johnson had his way.
He was just student.
- Okay, Cooper.
It was nice meeting you.
I think we're gonna get going.
(bright music)
- Oscar, you coming?
- No.
No.
- You're not?
Oscar, going down, going down.
I'll stay here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oscar.
- Where are you taking me?
I've never been to this side of town.
- We're making a quick detour.
- What?
No.
I didn't agree to any detours.
- Too late, we're here.
- Cooper, this is getting ridiculous.
Yesterday alone they dropped off 40 boxes.
- It's called a lifetime supply for a reason.
Take an extra box for your troubles.
- 30 for breakfast.
30 for lunch.
The wife is getting tired of 30.
- But it's only got seven grams of sugar.
- Cooper, can we hurry this up?
- Just pull around back.
We'll load it up.
- Load up what?
- [Cooper] Oh.
- What?
Come back here.
What in the world?
- Not gonna load itself.
- What do you do with all this stuff?
- What can you do with a lifetime supply of a sports drink?
- Cooper.
We got a lot of stops to make.
- [Cooper] Waiting on you, chief.
- [Oscar] My god.
(telephone ringing)
- Sean.
(telephone ringing)
Sean.
Phone.
- What?
- [Patrick] Answer it.
(telephone ringing)
- Hello.
Oh hey Todd.
What did we talk about last night?
Yeah.
Hey, would you go for 14?
- [Patrick] I'm not going over 12.
- He's not going over 12.
Would you go for 13?
- I'm not going over 12.
- Yeah, he's not going over 12.
No, like at all.
No, I mean I can ask but.
Fine, I'll ask, I'll ask, I'll ask.
Would you do 12.5?
Figured.
- Listen Todd, when I say 12 million is my limit,
I mean 12 million is my limit.
What did I just tell you?
I'm not doing 12.2, 12.3 or any other 12
unless it ends in zero.
Thank you.
Sean.
Looks like we're having a Ruben party.
- A Ruben?
- We need to clean up.
- So, who did Todd sell to this time?
- You know the guy that lives up in Studebaker mansion?
- The crazy guy who lives with his brother?
- It's a friend actually.
- Your words, not mine.
- So, how'd the fundraiser go last night?
- Good turnout but--
- But you didn't make any money
because your clientele is a bunch of penniless hippies.
- I've told you time and time again,
Gatsby's is not the place to hold a fundraiser.
- Well unlike you, I don't have any fancy,
high society connections.
- Oh, what I'm not high society enough for you?
- You're plenty high society enough for the both of us.
- [Emily] Then what's your problem?
- Gatsby's was my last chance.
- [Emily] So, how long until they're foreclosed?
- Six days but it might as well be tomorrow.
What aren't you telling me?
- Well I have an idea but I'm not sure you're gonna like it.
- Get out.
How much time do we have?
- We have 13 minutes and 22 seconds.
- Shit.
Not enough of time.
Stuart.
- Yes, sir.
- [Patrick] How's the kitchen coming?
- [Stuart] Lovely, sir.
Nearly done.
- Geez.
- Abandon the pants, Sean.
Abandon the pants.
I want you to look smart.
- My intelligence is not gonna help us at this moment, Pat.
- Not your mind, Sean.
Your clothes, your clothes.
Now put on some pants, you Philistine.
- Okay, that's why I'm up here.
I'm trying to get them down.
Pants can wait.
- The pants can't wait.
- Exactly why I'm trying to get them down, Pat.
- Not the right pants.
- Do not know what you want from me, Pat.
(doorbell ringing)
Wait, what?
Was that?
- Oh, I think so.
- Wait, what are we gonna do, Pat?
What are we gonna do?
- Just stay there.
- You said stay here?
- Yes.
Not on the chair.
Go put on some pants.
- Okay.
Put on.
(gentle music)
- [Patrick] Todd.
- [Todd] Patrick.
- How are you?
- [Todd] So nice to see you.
- Emily.
- Nice to see you again, Patrick.
- Who's your friend?
- Oh, this is Abby.
She's an old friend from college.
Abby, this is Patrick.
- Hi, Patrick.
- Well hello there, Abby.
- I think I see some Toddy Woddy.
What's up?
- How are you?
Nice suit.
- Okay, okay, okay.
So where is it?
- Oh, I left it in the back.
Let me go grab it.
- What's up, baby?
How are you?
Pat.
What do you want, Pat?
- I just met my wife.
- Emily is married.
- No, no, no.
Not Emily.
Abby.
Did you see her?
She's perfect.
- Yeah, she's hot.
I get it.
- Don't make this weird.
Invite them in.
- Jesus Christ.
What are you?
What the hell is?
Jesus Christ.
- [Patrick] Come on in.
- 22 dance studios.
22.
What am I supposed to do now?
- I don't know.
Have you considered the possibility that she doesn't exist?
- No, I haven't considered the possibility that she doesn't.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Or the parking lot.
Or.
Something.
- And there it goes.
See, curling's such a slow sport,
nobody even cares about it during the Olympics,
but I'm here to change all that
with a little one on one
on scouting's fourth favorite sport.
You see, here we have the skip.
He's the man in charge on the ice.
The head honcho.
The man with the plan.
No good team is complete without a solid number two.
Although, if you have a solid number two,
you should probably try more fiber.
But, I digress.
Just know this is the vice skip.
I don't really know what he does.
Just like the vice president.
Lastly, we have the sweeps.
As their name implies, they sweep.
All these players work together
to get that stone to that ring.
It's all very exciting.
(bright music)
(group laughing)
- And of course my mother objected in the beginning,
but I thin eventually the wealth kind of swayed her.
(group laughing)
- That was partly my fault.
What were you saying about the Sheik?
- So there I was walking down the highway with this Sheik.
And in the tiny bit of Arabic I know,
I asked him why are we walking?
You know what he said to me?
- I know what he said.
- He said we'll leave this one.
There's another on the way.
All it had was a flat tire.
(group laughing)
- [Sean] Pat just did that last week with his Maserati.
- Did you really?
- [Sean] Yeah, he did actually.
- No, no.
That would be wasteful.
- Pat, I was there.
- Stuart, wouldn't that be wasteful?
- Quite wasteful, sir.
More quail leg, sir?
- I guess I'm just not even sure
why you would own a car in this city.
- Oh, Pat actually has 16 of them.
- Yes, but they were all investments.
- [Stuart] Great investments, sir.
- So Patrick, what do you do when you're not
filling garages with investments?
- Patrick doesn't do anything.
I mean, unless you count spending vast amounts of money
and partying as something.
He's very good at those.
- He is the best.
You can keep spending all the money you want on paintings.
I'll be happy.
- Well as long as you keep finding me paintings,
I'll be happy.
- As long as we keep having Ruben parties, I'll be happy.
- [Emily] I guess we're all happy.
- Where did you find these guys?
- Patrick is Todd's biggest client.
- Do you ladies need any assistance?
- No, got it.
Thanks.
- Actually, I think Sean could use some more muscles.
- Oh yes, please Stuart.
- You were saying, Pat.
- No, I'm saying.
Like if Nicolas Cage has one, why not me?
- If Nicolas Cage has what?
- An Oscar. - A dinosaur.
- And which one of those do you want?
- Why not both?
- You have the right complexion.
- He's right.
The desert sun gets hot when you're digging.
- I think he was talking about the acting.
- Why not both?
- Oh good Lord.
- Please Emily, I mean I know I'm amazing,
but let's not go that far.
- Sean, have you had a chance
to check out the exhibit at Gatsby's yet?
- Oh, have I ever?
- [Abby] The cat paintings.
- Oh, so you're a feline connoisseur, too.
- Not particularly.
I was performing.
- Abby's a dancer.
- That's surprising?
- Bee boop bee boop.
The pee pee alert.
Excuse me.
Pat, if you would actually.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm actually gonna just go to the restroom.
To the gentleman's quarters.
Pat, if you could help me.
You know, I miss sometimes unfortunately.
- I'll be right back.
Sorry.
(soft music)
What the hell is wrong with you?
- That's the girl Oscar was talking about the other night.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yes.
- She's way out of his league.
- Well she fits the bill to me.
- It's just a coincidence.
- No, it's not and we need to tell Oscar.
- No, how 'bout?
How 'bout I let you plan the Ruben party?
- I don't wanna pick out the champagne glasses.
- [Patrick] No, I mean plan the whole thing.
Imagine anything you want.
(soft music)
- I get Ruben Studdard.
(soft music)
- Yes.
- Done.
Fine, let's go.
What are you?
Pat, what is you doing?
- You just announced to the whole room
that you can't pee on your own.
(soft music)
- [Narrator] Defeat.
After a long day of searching, our hero has come up empty.
No girl and no--
- [Man] Excuse me, sir.
They already covered this at the curling match.
We're cutting this scene.
- [Narrator] That's it.
I've had enough of this.
I have a network TV show.
- [Waitress] Who ordered a number seven?
The rest of this must be yours.
- [Cooper] Oh yeah.
I'm gonna need an extra large shake, too.
- [Waitress] You got it.
- Mm, mm, mm.
Dig in, buddy.
- She sort of looked like her.
- Who, the dancer?
No.
- I know, but everyone looks like her.
I swear I saw her half a dozen times today.
Can't get her out of my head.
I know it's ridiculous.
I just met this girl.
In fact, I didn't even meet her.
Just something about her I can't get away from.
It's like a spot in my vision.
Never quite there but until I find her, it won't go away.
- Food's getting cold.
- Dammit Cooper, are you even listening to me?
- Yes.
Sounds like you need to find this girl.
- What do you think I've been doing all day?
- Well, not sure, but obviously it didn't work.
Hey.
Better luck next time, kid.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
We got a shake.
Thank you.
(gentle music)
You didn't happen to get anymore bacon by chance, did you?
- What are you doing in my house?
- I'll take that as a no.
You've been busy.
- Cooper, you can't just walk into my house.
- Sure, I can.
The cold shoot opens right up.
Old houses.
They don't make them the same these days.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not listening to this.
I have three days to write this symphony and zero ideas.
- Look, if you give me a key.
- I'm not giving you a key.
- I'm just saying if you give me a key.
- Cooper, I'm not giving you a key.
- I'm not asking for a key.
I'm just saying.
You don't want people to come in your cold shoot,
you should give them other options.
- Your option is to leave.
I'm not in the mood.
- You still upset about last night?
- That's exactly what I'm upset about.
(gentle music)
What are you doing?
- No wonder you're having trouble writing a symphony.
You should go for a walk.
- I have work to do.
- Go for a walk, Oscar.
Downtown.
- Fine.
But don't touch my sheet music.
And be gone when I get back.
- Whatever you say, boss.
What?
You expect me to play a song or something?
I mean, I'm not much of a song and dance man myself
and let's be honest.
Neil Patrick Harris wasn't in the budget.
What's that?
Why's Oscar going downtown?
Got an idea.
I'm gonna go get some breakfast food
and you can watch the rest of the movie.
- Wow, this place is really something.
- You have no idea.
Up here, this is where the jazz band is.
Having live music is so rare these days.
And right where you're standing
couples will be dancing the night away.
- Sounds like my kind of place.
- Let me show you something.
(soft music)
- They're tearing this place down, huh?
- I mean, how many people do you know
go to a jazz club anymore?
- Fair point.
(soft music)
Well.
I'm sold.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
What's eight million between friends?
(soft music)
Oscar.
- Patrick?
What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- Well I asked you first.
- I think I'm gonna buy this place.
- You're gonna own a dance studio?
- [Patrick] Why not?
- It's not really your style.
- Oh.
(soft music)
So what brings you here?
- Well I never checked this place out
when I was looking for that dancer from Gatsby's.
- You know what?
I think they're rehearsing in the back.
- God, thank you, Patrick.
I might finally find this girl.
(soft music)
- Hey.
Do you need a ride back to your place?
- That'd be great.
I took the bus.
(soft music)
- She performed in an art show at Gatsby's two nights ago.
- Did you ask Gatsby's who she was?
- Oh, I didn't think of that.
- [Dancer] Why don't you start there?
- Wait, can you just tell me if she studies here?
- She used to.
- [Oscar] What's her name?
- I can't tell you that.
- Why not?
- Look, I have students to teach.
- Just give me her name and I'll leave you be.
- How long have you been standing there?
- Awhile, sir.
- Why?
- Skin cancer is a silent killer.
- Right, that makes sense.
Pat's home.
It's about time, Pat.
- Why is there a van in my parking spot?
- You asked me to plan a Ruben party.
I'm planning a Ruben party.
Jesus.
- [Patrick] Jesus, Sean.
Did you invite the whole neighborhood?
- [Sean] Look, I'm just trying to keep up
with the last 10 years of being sidelined.
Monica.
Down here with the plant.
By the way, I need another $200,000.
- Can't.
- What do you mean you can't?
- I'm buying something.
- Ernest, put the damn plant down and pick the ladder up.
Janice, get down.
What are you buying?
- A theater.
- A the.
Antwan, put your shoes on.
For Abby?
Well great.
Well look, I still need $200,000
and don't tell me you can't do it.
I know you keep that much in your bedside cabinet.
- Why are you looking through my drawers?
- I needed a new watch.
You stole mine.
- I gave you $100 for it.
- It was worth 3000.
- You stole it from Todd.
It wasn't worth anything.
- Okay, that's fair.
Oh look, he started the chicken.
I still need 200,000 though for Studdard.
- You know how I feel about R&B.
- You specifically said I could hire him.
I remember.
I asked can I hire Ruben Studdard
if I don't tell Oscar about the cat girl?
You said yes.
- And it's my house.
I don't want R&B in it.
- [Sean] Fine.
Guess I don't need 200 grand.
- Look at me saving us money.
- Here.
It's the finalized guest list for tonight.
- Did you add the mayor?
- Yes, I added the mayor.
I want a good party.
- Good.
Don't forget to invite Frank Reynolds
and don't invite Oscar.
- Pull it together, Sean.
Everything is fine.
Hey Tammy.
Yeah, will you get Oscar on the phone for me?
Shit.
Son of a shit, shit.
- I take it you found her.
- How did you find me?
And how do you know about that?
I shouldn't even ask at this point.
- Donut?
- All I got was her name.
Abby Kincaid.
- If only there was a way to quickly
look people up by their name.
- You don't think I already tried the internet?
- You didn't ask Gatsby's who she was.
- God, you too?
- Yup.
Looks like you need a private investigator.
- This is a ticket to the county fair.
- Right.
Well, I gotta scoot.
Best get cracking on that symphony.
- You're invited to a party.
The house of Sean and Pat.
It starts at eight so don't be late
and please don't wear a hat.
(gentle music)
- [Sean] Don't you think that the detailing
of the tiger eating is just superb?
- It's one of the best turnouts I've seen yet, right.
Hey, is that the mayor?
- Wouldn't be a Ruben party without him?
- [Emily] What is he wearing?
- You know, it looks like a robe.
(gentle music)
- Oscar, you made it.
What's up?
- Do you know who that girl is?
- [Sean] Who are you talking--
- The girl right there.
Do you know who she is?
- That's a little complicated.
- No, it's a simple question.
Do you know who she is?
- Well, technically.
- [Oscar] Patrick.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What the hell is wrong with me?
Do you know who's here?
- [Patrick] There are a lot of people here, Oscar.
- Don't play dumb with me.
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
Abby Kincaid.
- Who?
- The dancer from Gatsby's.
The girl I've been looking for all week.
- How was I supposed to know who that was?
- I talked to Sean.
You know who she is.
- What's going on, guys?
- Get out, Sean. - Did you sell me out?
- What, Pat?
- [Oscar] Get out, Sean.
- How could you?
- Oscar, low your-- - Get out.
- Excuse me.
- All right, now it's settled.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- This is my house, Oscar.
- You were supposed to be my best friend.
- I am your best friend.
- Yeah, some friend.
Going behind back with my girl.
- She's not your girl.
- Well she sure as hell not yours.
- That remains to be seen.
- Don't you dare.
- I found out the next day.
I didn't tell you because I wanted her for myself.
Now I'm gonna go back to my party.
Have a nice evening with Abby.
And you're gonna get out of my house.
Sorry about that, guys.
Did you miss me?
- Where have you been?
(cymbal ringing)
- Hi, everybody.
It's so good to see you all here tonight, even you Clark.
- 40 years of business meetings then you die.
Well hey, at least they own the original, right?
- I had to have them all.
It's been a slow process and I'm not quite there yet,
but I'm very pleased to have you all here tonight
to introduce the newest addition to my collection.
But first.
- Wrong Ruben, dear friend.
- I wondered where other Hebrews were.
- Without further ado, I give to you the Fall of Phaeton.
- Get that developed for a dollar.
It'll last longer.
- What are you doing?
Someone call the cops.
(man laughing)
- Hello.
- [Oscar] Where did everyone go?
- You weren't at the party?
- [Oscar] Not exactly.
- Well, a homeless man came into the gallery
and lit one of the paintings on fire.
- [Oscar] What?
- Yeah.
- I'm Oscar, by the way.
- Abby.
- Nice to meet you, Abby.
- [Stuart] Excuse me.
This is a private residence.
The loitering allowed.
- Do you wanna get out of here?
- [Abby] Yes.
(upbeat music)
(audience clapping)
- Welcome, everybody.
Thank you for coming.
- So, do you know how to swing dance?
- Oh no, no.
I haven't in years.
(upbeat music)
- Do you still have the camera?
- What camera?
- [Todd] The one he took the picture with.
- Oh, I don't know.
It's probably in the gallery somewhere.
- That picture is gonna be worth a fortune.
- I don't care about the money.
- Yes, you do, and you should.
That's how you keep buying paintings.
I'm gonna be in New York soon.
There's a couple I can look at there.
- And I'll buy them all,
but my collection will never be complete.
- You're doing all right, bucko?
- [Todd] Of course he isn't.
- It's just a painting.
You're still rich.
- [Todd] He doesn't care about the money.
- Of course I don't care about the money.
Why else would I spend $12 million on it?
- It is just a painting.
We will get you another one.
- But I can never have that one again.
- Actually you can because I have the camera.
- [Patrick] It is not the same.
- It is the same.
It's just it's not on a canvas.
- [Todd] It's not all about looking at a pretty picture.
It was a Ruben.
- Oh, Todd.
It's not about.
A name.
Literally a name.
This guy died over 100 years ago.
Nobody knew who he was
and now we're sitting around depressed.
- Can you just stop talking, please?
- No, because I refuse to let my Ruben party end this way.
First, I didn't get Studdard.
And now I don't want the highlight
to be an impromptu bonfire.
- You know what?
This is actually what I get for letting you plan the party.
- [Sean] No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
We're going out.
Get up, you.
Up, get up, Pat.
Todd, you're gonna come with us, too.
(bright music)
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
♪ Glad you made it out ♪
♪ Everybody's waiting for you ♪
- [Oscar] This is all for me?
♪ Yes but singing it please ♪
♪ 'Cause the jazz musicians, they weren't cheap ♪
♪ If this is what it seems ♪
♪ You know what that means ♪
♪ You can have whatever you like ♪
♪ You want a chorus line ♪
♪ These guys are friends of mine ♪
♪ Oh, I know what I really want ♪
♪ Now that I have you here ♪
♪ Won't you come down here ♪
♪ What is it you needed to say ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you too ♪
♪ That is what I needed to hear ♪
- Sh.
No, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
We're not real.
You're just dreaming.
Cut.
I felt good about that one.
- The choreographer said that the second verse was off.
- Got one more in you?
- Anything for you, boss.
- That's what I like to hear.
All right, looks like we're going again, guys.
- All right, everyone.
We're going again.
Places, please.
Quiet on set.
- 68 allosaurus take four.
- [Sean] Yup, just get the door.
Yup.
Thank you, Stuart.
Pat.
- [Patrick] What?
- [Sean] Are you in here?
Oh.
Pat, I have a couple boxes for you
and I think it's more of your model airplanes.
- Even better.
- There's nothing better than a model airplane.
- You're right.
They're like real planes except tiny.
- Hold on.
I love me some tiny stuff so what's in the box?
- Why don't you open it and find out?
- I can open it?
Okay.
Pat.
You know I'm not into this kind of stuff.
What the hell?
- What are you talking about?
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.
The like dressing up kind of thing.
- That's disgusting.
- Okay.
- They're costumes.
- Okay well.
Could've just told me we're having a costume party.
I would've got my own.
- No.
They're for our heist.
- I'm sorry.
You said heist?
- You heard me.
- What are we stealing?
- Who are we stealing?
- Right.
So you should know that, right?
'Cause you got the costumes and that.
Okay.
- That was rhetorical.
- Got it.
Makes a lot sense so I'm just gonna try this on I guess.
Cool.
So who are we heisting?
- The monster who burned my painting.
- [Sean] Wait.
Cooper.
- Who else did you think I was talking about?
- [Sean] Gotcha.
That was a rhetorical.
Jesus.
What?
Okay, see now I'm oh.
- His crime cannot go unpunished.
- [Sean] Okay.
- It's un-American.
He needs to burn like Phaeton did.
- Right.
So, you're gonna light him on fire?
- That's the plan.
- Great, okay.
So, I'm in.
Now where are we gonna find Cooper?
'Cause I think he's pretty homeless.
- We're gonna go.
- Pat, what are you doing?
- Undercover.
- No, no, no, no.
Okay.
So I have a couple questions.
First question is can we stop and get some food?
Second question.
If I need to potty, do I potty while in the suit?
Okay, that's a dumb question.
I'll just go get ready.
- [Cooper] Are these for your lady?
- As a matter of fact, they are.
- On a first date?
I don't think so.
- Oh no, they're not.
Oh.
- Ooh.
Writer's block's gone I see.
- The melody came to me last night after I met Abby.
- There's only three movements.
- Well it's not finished yet.
I was up most of the night writing it.
- Well that's just healthy.
- I would've gotten all five if the rest had been there.
- The rest had been where?
- Sorry I only wrote half a symphony in one night.
- Hey, don't sell yourself short.
You wrote three fifths of a symphony in one night.
- I suppose you're to thank.
If it weren't for you, I never would've run into Abby.
- Whatever do you mean.
- It wasn't hard to figure out
that you were the homeless man
who lit the paintings on fire.
- Homeless?
- You seem to have a propensity for burning things.
- I mean it's just so easy when you have
Uncle Ivan's all purpose lighter fluid.
Here, hold this.
Oscar, are you aware that Uncle Ivan's
all purpose lighter fluid has over 180 uses?
- If it's all purpose, shouldn't it have
an infinite amount of uses?
Give me a minute.
I need to go inside and make reservations for tonight.
- What did he do with those backup dancers?
- [Man] We're about to send them home.
- No, don't do that.
- Change of plans, everybody.
We're rolling.
What are we rolling on?
- [Cooper] Just follow my lead.
Oh, I should.
(upbeat music)
♪ It's intermission ♪
♪ Time to grab a snack ♪
♪ It's intermission ♪
♪ Take a smoke out back ♪
♪ Whatever you choose ♪
♪ Bathroom or booze ♪
♪ Back here when the lights go down ♪
♪ It's getting closer now ♪
- Did I just hear show tunes?
- Nonsense.
Why would you hear show tunes?
- Exactly.
Right.
- Right.
- [Man] Hold it.
- [Woman] Stop.
- [Sean] I don't see Cooper anywhere.
- [Patrick] That's correct.
Go inside and investigate.
- [Sean] Right, okay.
Oh, oh.
- [Patrick] Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're too conspicuous.
- What do you mean too conspic (coughs)?
Yeah, you're right.
(doorbell ringing)
Hey there, Oscar.
- What are you wearing?
- I'm raising awareness for the WWF.
- Oh, I didn't know you were into wrestling.
- Oscar.
That's the WWE, Oscar.
If you were into wrestling, you'd know that.
- Well I'm not into wrestling.
- [Sean] Yeah me neither so.
- Glad we got that out of the way.
What can I do for ya?
- Oh, thanks for you asking.
I was looking to maybe get a drink with my old pal.
- Well, what do pandas even drink?
- Well, I thought you would never ask
'cause I'm in the mood for a martini.
- So, how's the plight of pandas these days?
- They're called giant panda bears, Oscar.
Read the literature.
- How's the plight of giant panda bears?
- Oh, it's good.
It's good.
It's actually really good.
In fact, they're being taken off the endangered species list
which means this can go back in my closet.
- When did you start this campaign?
- This morning and I think it's been pretty successful.
- I guess so.
You want olives?
- [Sean] Yeah, I'll take an olive.
- So, what are you up to the rest of the day
now that the pandas have been saved?
- Probably gonna find another good cause to support.
Maybe something like.
Heifer international.
- Cut.
Did you even read your lines?
- Yes, but I've told you.
I get nervous in front of the camera.
- Script sup, what's his line?
- Page 87.
Where do you think I can get--
- Nevermind, nevermind.
We're just gonna cut to the end.
Can somebody give me a cigarette?
Now Sean.
- Yes.
- What's this scene about?
- Pandas.
- No, no, the pandas are an illusion.
- An illusion, got it.
- You're moving the story forward.
- Okay, wait.
Why am I in a panda suit?
- The suit plays.
Doesn't the suit play.
- The suit plays.
- Suit plays.
- The suit plays.
- See?
- Yeah, I guess.
Wait.
Where are we starting?
- Ad lib.
- Ad lib?
- Action.
- So you and Pat talked lately?
- What do you think?
- Well, I know that he hadn't told you much about Abby.
- He tried to steal Abby from me.
- It appears you won that battle though, Oscar.
- It appears so.
- Oscar, I think it's time to exchange the hatchet.
- Bury the hatchet.
- [Sean] Why would I do that?
- That's the saying.
- I don't know that saying.
- Nevermind.
I'm not talking to Patrick.
- Well, I think that it would probably
benefit you both if you guys--
- No, no, no, no, no.
He's pulled this shit too many times.
You know him better than anybody.
He does whatever he wants
and he doesn't care about the consequences.
Well this time, there are consequences.
- Oscar, he's angling for Abby.
- And how exactly is he doing that?
- Well, I.
- Tell me and you get the martini, panda boy.
- Ha.
How clever.
Fine, Oscar.
Let's play hardball.
He's buying the dance hall, remodeling it.
Give me the martini.
- There you go.
He's throwing his money at his problems again.
- Yeah, but you know they say money's pretty good
at solving problems and Pat has a lot of it.
- Let's just drink in silence.
- So good.
So good.
Thank you.
(doorbell ringing)
- Hi.
- Oh, I brought you flowers.
- [Abby] Oh, thank you.
Be right back.
- [Sean] Push.
Push.
- [Patrick] You gotta be quiet.
If he's here, we wanna surprise him.
- [Sean] You should've got me a smaller suit then, Pat.
- [Patrick] Turn sideways.
- [Sean] I'm round.
All the way around I'm round.
- Goodness me, the circus is in town.
- [Patrick] Sean, go around the front.
I'll let you in.
- [Cooper] Come on, guys, don't talk.
It ruins the illusion.
- [Patrick] We're not professionals, Cooper.
- I think Sean wants in.
- [Patrick] That could be anyone.
How do you know it's Sean?
- [Cooper] Come on, stop talking.
It's bad form.
(upbeat music)
- [Sean] I'm coming, Pat.
I'm coming, Pat.
Here I come, Pat.
(upbeat music)
(door slamming)
(upbeat music)
- [Patrick] I can't believe you chased the other guy.
He looked nothing like Cooper.
- [Sean] Okay, yes he did from the back to be fair.
- We have to get new disguises.
He knows we're coming.
- Pat.
Or.
What if we did something else?
- Oh, do tell me.
- If we stopped chasing Cooper,
but we went for some twinkie winkies?
- How would that help?
- [Sean] Well, it wouldn't really but--
- Then why would we do it?
- I don't.
Pat, I don't know.
For some me time.
- [Patrick] Yeah, I guess you're right.
We could start first thing in the morning.
- You know, we could always still grab a drink.
It's pretty early.
- Haven't had your fill of destroying obnoxious waiters?
- He had it coming and you know it.
- Doesn't mean it wasn't hilarious to watch.
- Well at least you were entertained.
- How 'bout that drink?
- Yeah.
- I don't understand why we have to bring this up here.
- Shut up and move it.
- What are you?
I'm sitting down.
- [Patrick] Abby.
Oscar.
- Let's go somewhere else.
- Wait, what's going on?
- [Sean] They're having marital problems.
- I'll tell you later.
- I just hired the contractors for the theater.
- That's great.
- They should be here by Monday.
- Hey Sean, can you hurry this up so we can get out of here?
- Yeah, maybe.
- You can see I'm a ride along.
- How 'bout you come to my house
and I'll take you over there?
- I don't think so.
Thanks though. - You wanna get out of here?
- [Abby] I'm good if you are.
- Excuse me, sir.
I was having a conversation with the lady.
- I've had enough of this.
Come on.
- [Sean] Tell him, Oscar.
- Hey.
- [Sean] Have fun.
- Drop the dead weight.
We're going after them.
- I'm not.
I don't like that idea.
Nope.
- I don't care if you like it or not.
- You never do.
- What was that?
- No.
I'll drop it.
Curtis, you're back on the clock.
Put that on ice.
Pat, my seat.
- [Patrick] Get on.
- [Sean] I'm not peddling.
- Oscar, what was that back there?
- Something I'd rather not get into.
- Okay, I thought you and Patrick were old friends.
- [Oscar] Well, you don't know the whole story.
- I know that Patrick got you
your first job at the orchestra.
- Oh, did he tell you that
when he was explaining building permits to you?
- No.
Emily told me.
Oscar, what is wrong?
- Nothing.
Just seems like you made some pretty great new friends.
- Patrick is my friend.
He bought the theater for me.
- Then why didn't you stay with him?
- Because I wanted to be with you.
- [Oscar] Wanted?
- Want.
- Yeah.
Why did it have to be Patrick?
- What does that have to do with us?
- It has everything to do with us.
You know he wants to sleep with you.
- Yes, but I'm not going to.
- He gets whatever he wants.
He always has.
- Oscar.
(soft music)
(gentle music)
♪ Walk with me ♪
♪ To where we begin ♪
♪ On our island of friends ♪
♪ Then the storm came in ♪
♪ Washed away all of them ♪
♪ And now I'm all alone here ♪
♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪
♪ I moved on ♪
♪ I found friends ♪
♪ I made new memories with them ♪
♪ I didn't need you ♪
♪ But some say I need closure ♪
♪ Some say the end is nearly over ♪
♪ I'm over you ♪
♪ Please ♪
♪ Remove me from your memories ♪
♪ Of you ♪
♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪
- [Woman] We are.
She was supposed to have that done yesterday.
- Yesterday, oh.
- Abby.
Abby.
Are you still with us?
Great.
Let's continue.
If everyone will turn to page seven.
- Seven.
Why do you have coloring pages?
- This is what they gave me.
Jerry has them.
Jerry, show him your pages see.
- [Patrick] Geez, Jerry.
- [Sean] Paula, you have it too right?
- [Woman] Can we focus please?
Page seven.
- [Sean] Sorry.
- [Woman] Thanks.
- Continue.
Watch this, watch this, watch this.
- Watch what?
Pat.
- That was a good meeting, right Abby?
- [Sean] Yeah, we had no pictures in our folders.
- There were no pictures in any of our folders.
- That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Freaking idiot.
- Do you need a lift?
We could put you on the handlebars.
- No, thank you.
- Let's go, hot shot.
We got places to be.
Jesus.
Bye Abs.
(upbeat music)
♪ Got all the riches in the world ♪
♪ You do ♪
♪ And twice that much in charm ♪
♪ Not true ♪
♪ So tell me, Sean ♪
♪ What is it, Pat ♪
♪ Why can't it be me ♪
♪ I got cars galore ♪
♪ I've got score of servants serving me ♪
♪ I've got a killer sound system ♪
♪ And a 90 inch TV ♪
♪ So the mystery that's plaguing me I've laid it out to you ♪
♪ It's truly indescribable as to why can't it be me ♪
♪ He's got loads of cash ♪
♪ He's got a bass that seems to strike the wall ♪
♪ And don't forget the Mickey Mantle autographed baseball ♪
♪ Now I hope it's plainly clear to see ♪
♪ The question stumping me ♪
♪ With all the riches I possess ♪
♪ Why can't it be me ♪
♪ I've got an answer to your query ♪
♪ Speak up, don't be shy ♪
♪ If I say what I'm gonna say, it might just make you cry ♪
♪ See the thing that women want the most ♪
♪ Is not cash, gold or jewels ♪
♪ It's basic human dignity ♪
♪ I'm afraid those are the rules ♪
♪ Yes, they are ♪
♪ Take a look and see ♪
♪ He's right ♪
♪ He's really right ♪
♪ We're afraid those are the rules ♪
♪ You're gonna listen to my brother ♪
♪ In a book with bad reviews ♪
♪ Oh the proof is in the pudding, Pat ♪
♪ I'm afraid that's how it goes ♪
♪ Just like the riches you posses ♪
♪ It simply can't be you ♪
♪ What if I was tall ♪
♪ Can't be you ♪
♪ Play pro basketball ♪
♪ Can't be you ♪
♪ Is there nothing I can offer ♪
♪ I said it can't ♪
♪ Pat ♪
♪ No, it can't be you ♪
♪ Oh why not ♪
♪ No, it can't be you ♪
♪ Oh please no ♪
♪ No, it can't be you ♪
♪ But tell me why can't it be me ♪
♪ Oh why can't it be me ♪
- Please, make yourself at home in my bedroom.
- Way ahead of you.
This would've been good.
- [Oscar] Who knows?
- You do.
- I never should've walked out on Abby.
That all happened so quickly.
- Oh, we're changing the subject now?
- I mean one moment we're there and now we're here.
Have you ever committed to something
and felt like you can never go back?
- It's called owning a pet lemur.
You're in Madagascar and you think it's a great idea
and then you get home and you're like
these things poop everywhere,
but you can't let it go in the wild.
It's not its home and you can't go back to Madagascar
'cause you're out of frequent flyer miles.
That's sort of what you're talking about, right?
- Not at all.
- Well, I got nothing for you then.
Less you wanna shave.
Then I got that.
- You don't look like you do this very often.
- Oh no, I do this all the time.
Never done this before.
- What was that?
- [Cooper] Nothing.
- I am gonna kinda miss the beard though.
Makes me feel rugged.
- But you're not rugged.
- Thanks.
- So what's got you down, cowboy?
- Are you serious?
- Look Oscar, I'm trying to understand you,
but you gotta give me something.
- Well let's see.
I lost my job.
My symphony's never going to be heard.
And worst of all I ruined things with Abby.
- I fail to see the problem.
- You're unbelievable.
- Look, you've lost your job.
That's fantastic.
Look at me.
I've never had a job.
It's the best.
- If you say so.
- And your symphony.
You said it yourself.
Doesn't matter what happens after you write it.
It matters that you write it.
- I can't write it though.
- [Cooper] Which you're gonna do after this shave.
- [Oscar] I've lost my inspiration.
- You don't wait for the muse to descend.
You lure it in and beat it into submission.
- You want me to beat Abby?
- Whoa, no.
That's domestic abuse.
And that's not your muse.
You are.
- I don't think it works that way.
- [Cooper] You've written how many symphonies?
- Six.
- And you've known Amber how long?
- [Oscar] A few months.
- Okay, so I'm no expert in calendars,
but it would seem to me like you've written six symphonies
before you ever met Ashley.
- Okay, okay.
I see your point.
That still doesn't change the fact
that I ruined things with Abby because I was jealous of Pat.
- Do I have to solve all your problems for you?
- Oh, so you're a love expert now?
- Have you tried talking to Agnes about this
instead of your barber?
- I can't bring myself to.
- [Cooper] I don't see what's stopping you.
- Well it's not that simple.
I can't just walk up to her apartment
and tell her I'm sorry.
- [Cooper] I can do you one better.
- That might literally kill me.
- There you are.
Just got off the phone with the PI.
Said he saw Cooper downtown.
- [Sean] So?
- So, finish your drink.
We're going on a high speed chase.
- I'm good, bro.
- [Patrick] What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about I don't wanna hunt down Cooper.
- Why not?
- Because I don't.
- How dare you?
- How dare I?
Pat, you're losing control.
You're staying out in bushes looking for some guy
that you are never gonna find.
- I'm an art collector.
What did you expect?
- It's not just the paintings.
How many cars did you buy this month?
- Why do you care?
- [Sean] Because I'm your brother.
- Well you're not acting like it.
- Right.
Is it because I don't go on any heists?
- [Patrick] Among other things.
- Look, I'm not trying to spend my entire life
on some hopeless pursuit.
- Why don't you say it?
I've seen you scheming.
You're gonna leave me.
- I would never disown you, Pat.
You are my brother, but I am moving out, yes.
- Then why are you still here?
- I guess I should be asking myself that same question.
(soft music)
- You cost me $16 million.
Frank Fredricks wanted you.
I beat him.
(soft music)
You were cheap.
800,000 at an estate sale.
(soft music)
Don't tell the others but you're my favorite.
(soft music)
Think I overpaid for you.
(soft music)
I had to have you.
(soft music)
You're like my children.
(soft music)
You're all my children.
(soft music)
Say hello to your brother for me.
(soft music)
- What in the world are you eating?
- You know, I'm not entirely sure.
Want some?
- I finished the symphony last night.
- After this triumph, what will you do next?
- Take it to the orchestra.
Try and get my job back.
- Good.
I have to pick up my low calorie drinks.
We can carpool.
- It's about damn time.
- You look like a man who likes a deal.
- I like clean clothes.
- What do you say I give you all this 30
for that suit right there?
- What would I do with all this?
- [Oscar] Do you know how to drive?
- Of course I do.
Who doesn't know how to drive?
- Why am I wearing a suit?
Am I robbing a casino?
- Are you getting dressed or asking questions?
- Where are we?
Oh no.
- [Cooper] Your hair does look a mess.
- [Oscar] Why did you bring me here?
- I mean, didn't you bring yourself here?
- No, you did.
- Oh.
Oops.
Straighten your tie.
(upbeat music)
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
It's been fun.
(upbeat music)
(bright music)
♪ It's a moondance ♪
♪ Tonight's gonna be the night that we moondance ♪
♪ Swinging across the sky ♪
♪ Let me teach you how to moondance ♪
♪ Twist, shake, shimmy, and shout ♪
♪ When you moondance, you move your body about ♪
♪ When you're moondancing, the stars twinkle at you ♪
♪ Nature's in harmony ♪
♪ Conflation's are flashing ♪
♪ Everyone is laughing ♪
♪ Sweet sound symphony ♪
♪ Moondance, shimmy across the sea ♪
♪ Moondance, it's just you and me ♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This can't be the end.
I mean, I know he got the girl,
but this isn't just a love story.
This is a musical.
Hey, pull over here.
- [Patrick] Hey, right here?
- Yeah here.
- [Patrick] All right.
- Hey, you don't happen to have a suit, do you?
- Do I have a suit?
- Nice.
- 30.
(bright music)
♪ Well we've reached the end of the show ♪
♪ So I'm sorry to say we must go ♪
♪ But before we do, there's one thing we must do ♪
♪ It's what every great musical needs ♪
♪ You need a kick line ♪
♪ No, that's not what we need ♪
♪ You need a solo from a blonde debonair ♪
♪ These are all good things ♪
♪ Like when the fat lady sings ♪
♪ But there's one that stands above the rest ♪
♪ It's time for the finale ♪
♪ That's why we're gathered round ♪
♪ We got all the glamor of Hollywood ♪
♪ And a big ole Broadway sound ♪
♪ It's me, I'm Pat ♪
♪ And I am Sean ♪
♪ We were the brothers in the show ♪
♪ But let me clue you in ♪
♪ This guy is not my kin ♪
♪ But we play a duo on TV ♪
♪ Remember me from act three ♪
♪ I'm Bill the guy that dry cleans clothes ♪
♪ But I was in act two and one and four ♪
♪ Five too ♪
♪ I played every background role ♪
♪ We're Todd and Emily ♪
♪ We were auxiliary to the story but we played our part ♪
♪ Now we're gonna sing 'cause everybody sings ♪
♪ After all, this is a musical ♪
♪ She's Abby ♪
♪ I could sing about her all day ♪
♪ He's Oscar ♪
♪ What more can I say ♪
♪ I mean I really don't know him ♪
♪ That's not how love goes ♪
♪ But it's a musical so it's okay ♪
♪ Now we're done with introductions ♪
♪ So now we can move on ♪
♪ To the part you've all been waiting for ♪
♪ It's time to get on ♪
♪ We're gonna sing, we're gonna dance ♪
♪ We're gonna clap to the beat ♪
♪ We'll have to give nod and sing ♪
♪ We'll have a tap dancing lady ♪
♪ And if we get crazy ♪
♪ Have an indoor fireworks show ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ We'll sing it once again ♪
♪ Let's ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Make ♪
♪ A ♪
♪ Mu ♪
♪ Sic ♪
♪ What's my note ♪
♪ Cal ♪
♪ Okay, okay, okay ♪
♪ Good ♪
♪ Cal ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Okay oh well ♪
♪ Look at all the people ♪
♪ Look who made it out ♪
♪ Imagine the potential for us all to twist and shout ♪
♪ We've come to tell a story ♪
♪ With romance and the life ♪
♪ We're pulling all the stops ♪
♪ To make it worth 12.99 ♪
♪ We're gonna sing, gonna sing ♪
♪ Sing the day away ♪
♪ We're dance the whole night through ♪
♪ We're gonna stomp our feet to the beat ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ If you're looking for an overture ♪
♪ You've come to the right place ♪
♪ I'm your guy to guide you guys ♪
♪ With gusto, guile, and grace ♪
♪ So buckle up your seat belts ♪
♪ It's gonna be quite a ride ♪
♪ There's laughs in store, there's so much more ♪
♪ Just follow me inside ♪
♪ We've got a troop of dancers ♪
♪ They know jazz, ballet, and tap ♪
♪ They cost more than the orchestra ♪
♪ They cost more than the snacks ♪
♪ And speaking of the orchestra ♪
♪ We've got a baby grand ♪
♪ Don't forget the drummers in the high school marching band ♪
♪ We've got sexy showgirls in heels and lingerie ♪
♪ We've got a Tony winning backup dancer from LA ♪
♪ Wait, can't you hear the difference ♪
♪ Ain't it plain to see ♪
♪ We went and followed up the drum break ♪
♪ With a change of key ♪
♪ With the change of key ♪
♪ Change of key ♪
♪ We're not in the key of C ♪
♪ We went and followed up the drum break ♪
♪ With a change of key ♪
♪ Change of key ♪
♪ We're not in the key of C ♪
♪ We had a drum break and changed the key back ♪
♪ To the key of C ♪
♪ We could keep it going ♪
♪ With a rousing encore show ♪
♪ But you came for love and laughter ♪
♪ So I'm afraid we'll have to go ♪
♪ Oh no ♪
♪ Now I know I said no encore ♪
♪ I said that we were done ♪
♪ You didn't really believe me ♪
♪ This is way too much fun ♪
♪ Let's give it all that we got ♪
♪ Put on one hell of a show ♪
♪ Get up, get ready, and go ♪
♪ A little razzle dazzle ♪
♪ Brought with magic Hollywood glitz and glamor ♪
♪ Everybody put on the rest ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a mu ♪
♪ Sic ♪
♪ Cal ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
♪ Let's all make a musical ♪
♪ I said let's all make a musical ♪
(dramatic music)
(camera shutter clicking)
(bright music)