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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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♪♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[Ominous music plays]
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♪♪
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Bettina:
So, you're a writer?
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[Louder]
So, you're a writer?
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00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:12,028
Yeah.
Oh.
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00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,596
Right on.
Right on.
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Well, writer...director,
actor sometimes.
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Oh, hello -- triple threat.
[Chuckling]
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I didn't know
there was a...
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00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,737
a Liza Minnelli
in my car.
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Welcome, welcome.
[Chuckles]
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00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,741
Have you done
anything I've seen?
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00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,964
No.
I work at an ad agency.
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00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:37,445
Well, I am sure
you are tired.
18
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:40,100
Just got off a plane from,
I guess, Europe or whatever?
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Los Angeles.
Oh, right.
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00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,625
Right, right, right.
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For suresies,
for surrresies.
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For suresy shore.
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00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,415
Well, if you need a nap
or anything,
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00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:54,723
you just go on and get it.
[Chuckles]
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00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:56,420
[Smacks lips]
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00:01:56,420 --> 00:02:00,381
Thanks.
27
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:03,819
You know, I do some
writing, myself.
28
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,125
Wow. Do you?
29
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,692
I do, I do.
Thanks for asking.
30
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,477
I, uh, love writing.[Cellphone vibrating]
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The process, you know.
The process of writing a movie
32
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,656
or any --
anything, really.
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00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:17,485
The best thing I ever wrote,
hands down,
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00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,617
it was something that I think
that James Cam-ron
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00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,793
would've really been into.Wow.
36
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,796
Do you know him
from the "Titanic" movies?
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00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:26,842
And I, of course,
can't tell you about it.
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00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:29,323
[Chuckles]
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00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:32,630
Well, you know, the writer's
code and all that.
40
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,197
Can't break that.
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00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,506
It's a story of Korah.
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00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,856
Korah from the Bible,
who, you know,
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amasses this massive army
to go up against, uh,
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00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,819
Moses and then God intervened
and all hell breaks loose,
45
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:51,258
and it's special effects
bonanza...[chuckles] you know,
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00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,782
which is why I think
if it got on his desk,
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00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:55,131
it would be something that,
you know,
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00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,394
James Cam-ron
would really jump at.
49
00:02:59,962 --> 00:03:01,355
[Hawk cries]
50
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,052
[Wind whistling]
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00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:05,576
[Owl hooting]
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00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:09,580
Bettina:
So, Moses was, like, totally,
totally boxed in, you know?
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00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,930
Uh, and then that's --
that's -- It's kind of
where it, like, departs
54
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,671
from the original story.
55
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:16,283
'Cause then there's, like,
a droid army.
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00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,719
I haven't quite figured
this out yet,
57
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:20,548
but a droid army comes in
and at some point --
58
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:23,246
Oh, boy. There it goes.
Down she goes.I got it.
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00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,727
I got it. I got it.
No, I got it.No, I got it.
Well, I'll help you.
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00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,946
Oh, there -- Tha-- hey.
You know what, you got it.There it goes.
61
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,252
[Clears throat]
Whoa, I'll stand back.
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00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:31,820
[Chuckling]
63
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,648
Wow.
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00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:38,218
Oh, this place
looks, uh...haunted.
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I don't have a tip.
I'm...sorry.
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00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,005
I --
Oh, psh, please, God.
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00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,529
The conversation was a tip
in and of itself, sir.
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00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:49,011
Bye.
Alright.
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I'll make sure you get in.
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[Exhales sharply]
71
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,062
Bye.
Okay.
72
00:03:57,062 --> 00:04:00,370
Hey, do you go by Fred
or Mr. Banks?[Door opens]
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00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:02,807
[Door closes]
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00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,680
[Louder]
You go by Fred or Mr. Banks?
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00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:08,987
[Sighs heavily]
76
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,778
[Clock ticking]
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00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:24,525
[Clock ticking with cursor]
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00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,405
[Humming]
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00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:38,930
[Ticking continues]
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00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:43,935
[Bird tweeting]
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00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:52,030
So...
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00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:54,990
What sound do you make?
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00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:57,993
[Inhales sharply]
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00:04:57,993 --> 00:04:59,995
[Swallows]
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00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:05,827
[Ominous music plays]
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00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:07,524
[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]
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00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,009
[Exhales sharply]
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00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,280
[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]
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00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:36,205
[Scoffs]
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00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,686
[Ticking continues]
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00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,383
[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]
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00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:48,304
[Ticking continues]
93
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,566
[Exhales sharply]
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00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,046
[Inhaling deeply]
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00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:55,093
[Keys clacking]
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00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,139
[Ticking continues]
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00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:09,717
[Lips smacking]
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00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:20,118
[Wind whistling]
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00:06:20,118 --> 00:06:27,952
[Whistling continues]
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00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:35,873
[Thudding]
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00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:39,834
[Thudding continues]
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00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,313
[Hits]
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[Quiet and raspy]
Leeeet me oooooouuuuuut.
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00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:57,286
[Wind continues]
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00:06:57,286 --> 00:07:01,333
[Louder]
Leeeeeeet me
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00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:08,340
ooooooooouuuuuuuuut.
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00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,430
[Door slams]
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00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,479
[Chair scratches]
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Nope.
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00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:30,450
[Ominous music plays]
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00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:34,671
[Rachael Yamagata's
"Saturday Morning" plays]
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ Hey ♪
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♪ Ooh ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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♪ It's Saturday morning ♪
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♪ And we got all day ♪
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♪ Mmm ♪
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00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,223
♪ Baby, I've been missing you ♪
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00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:10,490
♪ In the...
[hushed] strongest place ♪
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Hi.
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00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,755
♪ All other days of the week ♪
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00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:18,236
Hi.♪ Have come down to this ♪
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00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:22,284
♪ Just kiss me, we'll be okay ♪Knee?
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00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:25,200
Knee.♪ There's no one around here ♪
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00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,725
♪ That I would miss ♪[Exhales sharply]
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00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:32,599
♪ Mad, if you were away ♪Um.
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00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,339
I, uh...
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00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:35,732
I mean, if you want anything
for that,
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00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:38,387
I, uh, have a, uh --
live in that cabin
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just down, uh --
down that driveway.
132
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,217
Oh. Funny.
I'm actually in
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00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,654
one of the cabins
down there, too.
134
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,700
Oh.
135
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,572
[Exhales heavily]
I'm Fred.
136
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,487
I didn't ask your name.
137
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:54,055
Ha.
138
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:58,146
Anyway, I'm gonna walk or limp
down that way.
139
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,539
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna...
140
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,194
[Crows cawing]
141
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,502
So, what are you
running from?
142
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:07,851
Running?
143
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,158
I'm not running.
144
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:13,117
I'm writing.Oh, really?! Me, too!
145
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:15,032
I, uh --
I drove up from the city.
146
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:17,339
♪EscapedBrooklyn.
147
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:19,036
So you're a writer, or...
148
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,864
Yeah, a novelist.
149
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:23,867
Uh, horror mainly.[Crow caws]
150
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,216
Huh.
151
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,044
Horror.
152
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:28,742
So do I.
153
00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:30,961
"So do I."
So do you.
154
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,573
So do you, too.
155
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,750
So do you novel, too?
I...
156
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,665
A-Anything I've read?Uh, I mean...
157
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:42,407
Uh, I've got
a few things in, uh --
158
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:45,889
had a few things
in development.Oh, so yours is a no.
159
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,848
What about you?
Have you, uh --
160
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:51,242
you written anything
I've read or...I, um...[clicks teeth]
161
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:54,637
I just wrote a book called,
um...[clicks cheek] "Venus."
162
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,726
It's about a little boy
and his mom who, uh,
163
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,816
What, the -- the --
the zombie outbreak book?
164
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,513
You wrote "Venus?!"
165
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,820
I heard you on "Fresh Air."Oh, yeah.
166
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,779
You're a best-selling author![Chuckles]
167
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,824
Wow!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
168
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,087
This road is actually only
for best-selling authors,
169
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,872
so they might kick ya out.
[Chuckles]
170
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,700
Well, I am an actor, too.
171
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,180
You know, I, uh...act.
172
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,791
Well, I w-was, but...
173
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:21,098
Uh, my knee hurts.
I'm here.Oh, yeah, and I'm...
174
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:24,101
Well, uh -- Hey, uh,
it was nice, uh --
175
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,581
nice meeting you, uh,
Fanny...
176
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,365
It's Fanny Addie?
177
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,585
Yeah, right.
Ah.
178
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,761
Fred.
Banks.
179
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,502
Fred Banks.
180
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,591
So -- Hey...
181
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,593
happy writing.
182
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,464
Yeah.
Keep the dream alive.
183
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,771
Okay.
184
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:43,381
[Clears throat]
185
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:49,039
[Crow caws]
186
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,911
[Thunder rumbles]
187
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:52,739
[Keys clacking]
188
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:03,445
[Clock ticking]
189
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:09,494
[Ticking continues]
190
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:11,018
[Computer blips]
191
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:25,206
[Cable latches]
192
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,948
[Sighs deeply][Computer blips]
193
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,387
You're not so great.
194
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:33,605
[Electricity thuds]
195
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,259
[Bird calls]
196
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,090
Nope.
197
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:45,095
[Thunder rumbles]
198
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:10,817
[As Jack Nicholson] You
got a flashlight around
here, Mr. Torranccce?
199
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:15,865
[Laughs]
200
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,780
We've got one here.
201
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,958
Nope.
202
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:23,351
Huh.
203
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:27,355
[Door squeaks, closes]
204
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,750
[Normal voice] You got a biiig
imagination, Freddy.
205
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,230
[Computer clicks, powers down]
206
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,363
Huh.
207
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,973
Okay.
208
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,543
[Computer thuds]
209
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,414
[Sighs]
210
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,895
[Knocks on window]Ah! [Falls] Ah!Tour power out?!
211
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:48,637
[Thunder crashes]
212
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,987
[Door creaks]Just when I was really
getting into my groove.
213
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,512
Sorry?
[Sighs]
214
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,297
Oh, you know?
The power outage.
215
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,995
I was writing and I
was reallyfeeling myself.
216
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:01,258
You know when you're in Zumba
and you're, like, dancing?
217
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,391
Like, you know,
you're just sort of doing it
218
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,436
with a 90-year-old in the back?
Like, a little bounce,
219
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,395
cause you can't quite
follow the choreography,
220
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,440
and then all of a sudden
that hip-hop song comes in
221
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,616
and you're like,
"Yeah, bitch, I got this.
222
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:15,620
I may be a white girl, but I can
shake it like a motherfucker."
223
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:19,102
Wow.
this place is small.
224
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,800
Oh,
your million dollar ideas?
225
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,543
Actually, yes.
Oh.
226
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,545
What are you working on?I'm not telling you.
227
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:30,853
Oh.
I'm sorry. Ha!
That was kind of aggressive,
228
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:33,203
wasn't it? I just --
I don't really talk
about my projects.
229
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,988
Some people steal, especially,
you know,
230
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,381
desperate white dudes
like you.
231
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,643
Excuse me.
232
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,645
Why didn't you make
a fire?
233
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:43,126
Oh, uh.
I intended to.
234
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,087
So, what are you
working on?
235
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:48,697
[Thunder rumbles]
236
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,438
A few different things.
237
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:52,962
Writing things?
You said you were a writer.
238
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,312
Yeah, I'm, um,
239
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,750
working on this
religious epic right now.
240
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,144
It's about Korah.
-Oh!
241
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:02,667
The rebel
who betrayed Moses.
242
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:05,453
Dope.
Or Korah from the Koran?
243
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,632
I'm still...
still working that out,
244
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,852
but, uh...I've also got one
about werewolves.
245
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,811
-Ugh.
246
00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:19,032
-What?
-Werewolves.
247
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,511
Yeah.
Scary, right?
248
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,426
No.
Trodden.
249
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,732
-How is it trodden?
-Let me do it.
250
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,038
Oh.
251
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,825
[Wood thuds]You need kindling.
252
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,131
Yeah. I know.
253
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:33,524
Werewolves are tough.
254
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,352
You've got "An American Werewolf
in London,"
255
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,572
and then you've got
everything else, which is what?
256
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,182
Uh, "Silver Bullet?"
257
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:40,967
I think
"Silver Bullet's" good.
258
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:44,492
"Silver Bullet" is childish,
campy garbage.
259
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,886
[Match thuds][Fire whooshes]
260
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,322
-Ouch.
-Whoo!
261
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,150
Nice job, me.
262
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:53,762
So, what's
the werewolf tale?
263
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:57,548
Well, it's kind of
a revenge story.
264
00:14:57,548 --> 00:15:00,551
A werewolf kills
a guy's parents.
265
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,556
A werewolf kills
a guy's parents?
266
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,123
Well, he's a...
267
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,082
He's a little boy
at the time.
268
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:12,955
At the time a werewolf
kills his parents?
269
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,349
Tears 'em in pieces,
yeah.
270
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:18,569
And he's like, "[Falsetto]
I'm gonna get revenge."
271
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,571
Um... [Clears throat]
So, it sort of becomes like a --
272
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,269
like an action saga.
273
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,792
I mean, that's a cool
little-boy voice,
274
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:27,448
but, uhhh,
what's the story?
275
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:30,364
What do you mean,
"What's the story?"
276
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,279
That's the story.
I just told you.
277
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,846
No, that's an idea.
What actually happens?
278
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:38,328
[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]
279
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,472
Just because you're
the best-selling author
280
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:54,518
of one horror book
281
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:58,653
doesn't mean you get
to school me on story.
282
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,394
Oh, Fred.
283
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,439
[Fire poker dragging]
284
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:04,006
Actually...
285
00:16:06,661 --> 00:16:09,664
[Thunder crashes]Yes.
286
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,274
Yes, it does.[Thunder rumbles]
287
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:19,587
♪♪
288
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,241
You scared?
289
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,766
[Exhales sharply]
290
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,376
I don't love thunder.
291
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,121
What?
Nothing scares you?
292
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:34,210
Oh, no.
I love being scared.
293
00:16:49,704 --> 00:17:00,889
♪♪
294
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:05,850
[Screams]
295
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,417
I have an idea...
296
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,989
Okay.
297
00:17:13,989 --> 00:17:15,469
Cheers.
Cheers.
298
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:19,429
What's your idea?
Scare me.
299
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:23,042
Wait, like --
You scare me.
I'll scare you.
300
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,653
What?
Power outage.
301
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:27,394
I'm bored.
302
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:31,180
You're a scaredy cat.
Unfair.
303
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:34,009
[Whispering] Let's tell
each other scary stories.
304
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,970
[Exhaling sharply]
I don't know any scary stories.
305
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,755
Oh, you don't know
any scary stories?
306
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,714
You get to make 'em up
'cause you are a writer.
307
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:46,195
Youare the professional.
[Chuckles]
308
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,241
I...
work in advertising.
309
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,766
Oh, my God, dude.
Shut the fuck up.
310
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,203
Use your imagination.
311
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,640
Come on, Fred.
Story time.
312
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,207
No judgies.
313
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,648
Okay.[Match scratches]
314
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:10,915
♪♪
315
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,395
You first.
316
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:14,963
What do you mean,
"You first?"
317
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:17,008
This was --
It your idea.
318
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,010
Tell your werewolf story.
319
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:21,970
[As Cryptkeeper]
Chop chop, kiddies.
Ha-ha.
320
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,450
That was a Cryptkeeper
impression.
321
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,148
The...
That's like my favorite --
322
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,281
That's my favorite show.Oh, my God.
I love that show, too.
323
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:30,065
I love all his puns.
324
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:33,242
[As Cryptkeeper] Tonight's tale
is a story of an ax murderer
325
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,723
who loves to have fun.
326
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,942
[Laughs as Cryptkeeper]
327
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:40,771
[As Cryptkeeper]
Good evening, boys and ghouls.
328
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:44,906
May I...ax you a question?
[Laughs]
329
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:49,128
[Both laughing as Cryptkeeper]
330
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,738
Werewolf.
Go.
331
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:53,088
Okay, uh, so...
332
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:55,960
werewolf, hmm.
333
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,920
It is about...
[Burps]
334
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,446
There's, uh, this kid,
a little boy, and he --
335
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:07,189
His parents
are slaughtered
336
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,452
by a werewolf.Jesus Christ, dude.
337
00:19:09,452 --> 00:19:11,150
It's a good story,
right?
338
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,803
No. Awful.
339
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,025
Huh.
340
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,896
I thought you said
no judgies.
341
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:21,290
Dude!
We are literally fireside.
342
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,597
Get the fuck up
and conjure me some scaries.
343
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:27,470
You're an actor.Not like professionally.
344
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,300
Get up,
use the space, and scare me!
345
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,433
Who are you,
Uta Hagen?
346
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:34,695
Who-gen?
347
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:36,436
[Sighs heavily]
Okay.
348
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,876
Fine. [Clears throat]Oh, hey!
349
00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:44,661
He is warming up, guys!
You know this is gonna be good!
350
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,881
Okay, just lower your voice.
351
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,491
What?
352
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:54,497
You afraid you're going to awake
the women in the attic.
353
00:19:54,497 --> 00:20:02,505
[Frail groaning]
354
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:10,687
[Footsteps, wood creaking]
355
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:16,171
[Creaking continues]
356
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:18,478
Let me out!
Jesus!
357
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,783
Come on!
358
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,655
Get up and scare me,
motherfucker!
359
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:24,310
We're burning moonlight!Okay!
Alright, fine.
360
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,312
Shit.
361
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:29,010
[Exhales sharply]
Okay.
362
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:31,795
So, uh...
There's this little boy,
363
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,668
Sam, okay,
and it's his birthday,
364
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,061
and his parents and
all his family, they're
all gathered around.
365
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:38,976
They're clapping and
they're smiling and
they're just like,
366
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:41,196
"Aw, what a great
little boy.
367
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,459
Oh, what an incredible life
we're going to give you."
368
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:45,809
It's a little on the nose.
"What an incredible life
369
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,116
we're gonna give you?"Hey. This is my story.
370
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:49,857
I'm still working it out,
okay?
371
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,902
Keep going.
372
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:54,992
Okay, so, that night,
373
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:58,953
Sam is tossing
and he's turning in bed.
374
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:01,042
[Burps] Sorry.
And It doesn't help
375
00:21:01,042 --> 00:21:04,654
that there's, like, a storm --
like a reallybad storm.
376
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:07,918
And he looks outside
his bedroom window,
377
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:11,661
and he sees
this creepy...crawly...
378
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,098
tree.
379
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,665
Kind of like the one
in Poltergeist.
380
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,101
[Wood creaking]You know, it's like
381
00:21:17,101 --> 00:21:19,016
branches all gnarled,
382
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:20,844
and it's banging
against the house in the wind,
383
00:21:20,844 --> 00:21:23,891
just like...
[imitates creaking and slam].[Slams]
384
00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:26,807
[Creaking, slams][Creaking and slam continue]
385
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:30,550
[Creaking continues]
Anyway.
386
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:33,857
So, Sam, he hears
this noise downstairs,
387
00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:35,685
and it's kind of like...
[chuffs].
388
00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:37,557
Like a -- Like a...
[Snarls]
389
00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:39,950
You know, like
a weird animal sound.
390
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,431
And just down the hallway,
his mom and his dad,
391
00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:44,085
they hear it, too.
And the mom wakes the dad.
392
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:46,566
Like, "[As mom] Sweetheart,
did -- did you hear that?
393
00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:48,481
[Indistinct], I think there's
someone in the house."
394
00:21:48,481 --> 00:21:50,526
"[As dad] Hey, don't --
don't wake me up." I
don't know if the dad's,
395
00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:52,572
like, Jewish or --
And the dad's like...
396
00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,878
"[Indistinct]
I guess I'll go check it out.
397
00:21:54,878 --> 00:21:56,663
So...[clears throat] dad,
398
00:21:56,663 --> 00:21:58,665
he goes downstairs
with a flashlight.
399
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,667
Details! Details!
Details!
400
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:05,585
Sam's dad,
whose name is...Bill
401
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:07,674
and he has a mustache
and a comb-over,
402
00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,023
and he heads downstairs
with a flashlight,
403
00:22:09,023 --> 00:22:10,894
with a flash--
with a red flashlight,
404
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,287
like one you used
to have as a kid.
405
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:14,028
That's a detail!Yeah.
406
00:22:14,028 --> 00:22:17,292
So...[clears throat] he heads
downstairs, and he's --
407
00:22:17,292 --> 00:22:19,773
he's trembling. You know,
he's like scared. He's
the man of the house,
408
00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,166
but his, like, heart
is like beating fast.
He's got a bad heart,
409
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:24,212
and he's just, like, really
spooked, and he's trembling.
410
00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:25,605
Show me.
Show me the shaking.
411
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:28,347
He's like...[shuddering].
"[As dad] Okay.
412
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,652
Doesn't seem to be
anything here."
413
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,350
-Hey.
-Sorry.
414
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,221
He's looking for the source
of the noise, you know?
415
00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:36,485
And then, "Ah!
416
00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:38,835
It's just a raccoon.
[Imitates raccoon]
417
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,663
You know how when raccoons
stand up
418
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,404
and they're all cute on their
hind legs, and he's like...
419
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:43,840
[imitates raccoon].
And he has a little chuckle
420
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,146
He's like, "[Chuckles]
421
00:22:45,146 --> 00:22:46,843
Well, that's definitely
not evil."
422
00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:49,585
But then he hears something.
423
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:50,978
He turns around.
424
00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:52,588
[Breathing shakily]
425
00:22:52,588 --> 00:22:54,721
[Screams]
426
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:57,245
[Whispering] Gasp.
What is it, Fred?
427
00:22:57,245 --> 00:22:58,681
It's a werewolf, Fanny!
428
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:02,163
It's a big fucking,
gasping, gaping
429
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:04,818
3-feet-wide, 10-feet-tall,
430
00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:07,429
inhuman fucking werewolf!
431
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,779
And it just, like,
smashes through the window
432
00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:12,434
like it's nothing!Like it's nothing.
I love that.
433
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,828
He shines the flashlight
in the werewolf's face.
434
00:23:14,828 --> 00:23:18,658
[Imitates roaring][Sound deepens]
435
00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:20,877
[Howls with normal voice]And takes his fucking fangs,
436
00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:22,792
and he's like...[Growls, splatters]
437
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:25,969
[Screams as dad]
"Please have mercy."
438
00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:28,102
And the werewolf's like,
"Fuck that. I'm a werewolf."
439
00:23:28,102 --> 00:23:29,625
And he doesn't have mercy,
and he was like...
440
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:30,887
[Real growl, splatters]
441
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:32,672
[Gurgling]
442
00:23:32,672 --> 00:23:34,587
And blood's just...[fainting].
[Thuds]
443
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:38,112
So he's dead.
But then,
444
00:23:38,112 --> 00:23:40,419
little does the werewolf know,
mom is standing
445
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,377
at the top of the stairs.
She saw the whole thing.
446
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:44,379
[Gasps as mom]
[Mumbling indistinctly]
447
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:45,859
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
448
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:47,251
Honey. Ohh.
449
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:49,428
Sam!
Get in the closet quick!
450
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,821
There's a werewolf in the house!
And then she goes to Sam.
451
00:23:51,821 --> 00:23:54,911
She's like...
[whispering indistinctly].
452
00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:56,260
Everything's gonna be fine,
okay?
453
00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,001
-Okay.
-Okay. You get it.
454
00:23:58,001 --> 00:24:00,047
So anyway, obviously the
werewolf hears all of this,
455
00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:02,266
because you know, ah,
'cause -- 'cause he's...
456
00:24:02,266 --> 00:24:05,748
half dog or whatever.
So he starts lurking up
the -- up the stairs.
457
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,533
He's lumbering
up the stairs?Lumbering up the stairs.
458
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,926
Yeah, he starts lumbering up
the stairs, like...
459
00:24:09,926 --> 00:24:12,581
Like...[snarling]
460
00:24:12,581 --> 00:24:14,322
Show me that lumber!
461
00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:18,935
[Heavily footfalls]
462
00:24:18,935 --> 00:24:21,111
Ooh,
breathe like a werewolf.
463
00:24:21,111 --> 00:24:22,896
Breathe.
464
00:24:22,896 --> 00:24:25,289
[Heavier footfalls]
465
00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:27,901
[Snarling]
466
00:24:27,901 --> 00:24:30,425
[Growling]
467
00:24:30,425 --> 00:24:39,173
♪♪
468
00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:41,958
[Quietly] Holy fuck.
That's fucking scary, dude.
469
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,440
See?
470
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,616
I can be scary.
471
00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:49,139
[Garbled] Apparently.
[Chuckles]
472
00:24:49,139 --> 00:24:50,401
Anyway.
473
00:24:50,401 --> 00:24:53,579
So, the werewolf lurks
474
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,669
and lumbers and snarls
his way up the stairs.
475
00:24:56,669 --> 00:25:00,803
Just like...[snuffing].
Just like sniffing the area.
476
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:02,936
You know, searching for his next
victim. [Snuffs]
477
00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,242
And then mom distracts him
from somewhere in the house.
478
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:07,462
She's like, "I'm in here,
you hairy son of a bitch!"
479
00:25:07,462 --> 00:25:09,029
I guess she's also
kinda Long Island,
480
00:25:09,029 --> 00:25:11,684
Jewish sorta thing, too.
And he's like, ah.
481
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:14,904
And she grabs a revolver
from the shoe box in the closet.
482
00:25:18,691 --> 00:25:20,606
How'd you know?
How'd you know I'd do -- what?
483
00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,870
I mean, it's just sort of
the obvious next step.
484
00:25:26,002 --> 00:25:27,438
Why does it have
to be obvious?
485
00:25:27,438 --> 00:25:29,789
I -- Look,
I'm not nagging you or anything.
486
00:25:29,789 --> 00:25:31,486
It's just been done,
like, I don't know,
487
00:25:31,486 --> 00:25:33,532
600 or 700 times.
488
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:36,752
Okay. Thanks for your permish.
Anyway.
489
00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:40,016
She takes a revolver
out of the closet,
490
00:25:40,016 --> 00:25:42,105
loads it as fast as she can.
491
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:43,890
"[Gasping as mom] Oh, God."
492
00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:46,196
[Bullets clicking]
493
00:25:46,196 --> 00:25:53,073
[Werewolf snarling]
494
00:25:53,073 --> 00:25:55,902
She's like...[indistinct]
And the werewolf's like...
495
00:25:55,902 --> 00:25:58,382
[Snarling continues]
496
00:25:58,382 --> 00:26:00,167
Shoot. [Whines]
497
00:26:00,167 --> 00:26:02,125
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit.
498
00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:04,258
[Revolver chamber spins]And she loads a bullet
into the chamber,
499
00:26:04,258 --> 00:26:06,216
and she cocks the hammer.Quick question.[Gun cocks]
500
00:26:06,216 --> 00:26:08,175
A-Are they silver bullets?
It really feels like
501
00:26:08,175 --> 00:26:09,698
mom knows
what she's doing here.
502
00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:13,397
You know, was she a cop
or something?
503
00:26:13,397 --> 00:26:15,095
Yeah.
Y-Yeah, good point.
504
00:26:15,095 --> 00:26:17,314
Meanwhile, her little boy,
he's hiding in the closet
505
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,881
just, like, trying not
to make a peep, like.
506
00:26:18,881 --> 00:26:21,057
Laurie Strode
in "Halloween."
507
00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:24,017
Exactly. Exactly.
508
00:26:24,017 --> 00:26:25,627
Okay.
509
00:26:25,627 --> 00:26:33,940
[Breathing heavily, whimpering]
510
00:26:33,940 --> 00:26:35,506
[Whispering]
As the werewolf is, like,
511
00:26:35,506 --> 00:26:38,988
walking past the closet door.
Like...ka-thump.
512
00:26:38,988 --> 00:26:40,555
[Gasps] Ka-thump.
513
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:44,907
[Muffled] Ka-thump.
[Mumbling indistinctly]
514
00:26:44,907 --> 00:26:48,519
[Werewolf growling, stomps]Ka-thump, ka-thump.
515
00:26:48,519 --> 00:26:51,740
[Growling continues]Ka-thump, ka-thump.
516
00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:54,090
That's when mom gets
in the firing position.
517
00:26:54,090 --> 00:26:56,223
"Smile, you son of a bitch!"
518
00:26:56,223 --> 00:26:58,704
Very "Jaws."Favorite movie.
519
00:26:58,704 --> 00:27:03,273
[Werewolf roars][Gunshots]
520
00:27:03,273 --> 00:27:05,275
Then there's just, like, smoke,
you know?
521
00:27:07,277 --> 00:27:09,671
Did she kill him?
522
00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:12,108
No!
The werewolf's like...
523
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,632
[Werewolf roaring][Claws shink]
524
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:17,461
[Squelches][Screaming as mom]
525
00:27:17,461 --> 00:27:21,770
[Gurgling]
526
00:27:21,770 --> 00:27:23,293
And her neck is just,
like, bleeding
527
00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:25,295
all over the fucking floor,
and she's like...
528
00:27:25,295 --> 00:27:27,733
"I love you so much."
[Gagging]
529
00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:29,952
And she lets out
this bloody gar-gargle.
530
00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:33,434
Gurgle.
She lets out a blood gurgle.
531
00:27:33,434 --> 00:27:35,088
And she's like...
[Bloody gurgle]
532
00:27:35,088 --> 00:27:36,742
"[Strained] Remember
when things were better."
533
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,353
[Gurgling] Bah.
534
00:27:39,353 --> 00:27:41,442
So, she's dead.
535
00:27:41,442 --> 00:27:43,836
Now it's just Sam hiding
536
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:46,142
in the safety of the closet.
[Gasps]
537
00:27:46,142 --> 00:27:47,578
Just watching that werewolf.
538
00:27:47,578 --> 00:27:50,581
It's getting closer and closer.
539
00:27:50,581 --> 00:27:53,367
[Whimpers][Werewolf stomping]
540
00:27:53,367 --> 00:28:00,983
[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling, stomping]
541
00:28:00,983 --> 00:28:03,116
[Quietly] See, he's getting
closer to the the closet door.
542
00:28:03,116 --> 00:28:05,074
[Louder] And Sam's like,
"Oh, my fucking God, oh, my God!
543
00:28:05,074 --> 00:28:06,859
I'm gonna die."
And the werewolf's like...
544
00:28:06,859 --> 00:28:09,688
[Imitates growling][Werewolf growling]
545
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,690
And then...boo![Siren wailing]
546
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,127
It's the fucking cops![Brakes screech]
547
00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:16,738
[Imitates brakes screeching][Garbled through radio]
[Indistinct] fucking murder.
548
00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:18,479
It's by a werewolf.
Fire away.
549
00:28:18,479 --> 00:28:20,133
And the cops are descending
on the house,
550
00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,569
and they're just like --
And the werewolf hears this.
551
00:28:21,569 --> 00:28:23,745
He's like, ah!
Which is werewolf for,
552
00:28:23,745 --> 00:28:25,486
"Fuck! I'm outta here!"
553
00:28:25,486 --> 00:28:26,879
[Glass shattering]
554
00:28:26,879 --> 00:28:30,317
[Werewolf growling]
555
00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:32,232
[Imitates growling]
556
00:28:32,232 --> 00:28:33,842
[Coffee table scrapes]
Ah!
557
00:28:33,842 --> 00:28:35,801
[Groaning]
558
00:28:35,801 --> 00:28:39,630
Did the werewolf hit his knee
or was that just you?
559
00:28:39,630 --> 00:28:42,590
[Quietly] That's very funny.
That's really funny.
560
00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:44,853
Okay, real question --
How'd the cops come?
561
00:28:44,853 --> 00:28:47,856
[Exhales sharply]
562
00:28:47,856 --> 00:28:49,379
They knew...
563
00:28:49,379 --> 00:28:52,556
because mom...
564
00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:54,080
she dialed 911
565
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,690
and left the receiver
off the hook.
566
00:28:55,690 --> 00:28:58,171
[Receiver thuds]
567
00:28:58,171 --> 00:29:01,478
So, uh, cops come,
little boy gets rescued,
568
00:29:01,478 --> 00:29:03,480
werewolf gets away
and then what?[Refrigerator door opens]
569
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:04,960
[TV dinner jostles]
570
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,396
It's a really good question.
571
00:29:06,396 --> 00:29:08,834
That's a really g-good question.
Um.
572
00:29:08,834 --> 00:29:10,749
Well, I think...
[Exhales sharply] Ah.
573
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,142
...Sam grows up, and he becomes
kind of like a --
574
00:29:13,142 --> 00:29:15,101
maybe like a bounty hunter
575
00:29:15,101 --> 00:29:18,931
hell-bent on getting revenge
on his parents' killer.
576
00:29:18,931 --> 00:29:21,542
Yeah, I mean, I guess
my first question is...
577
00:29:21,542 --> 00:29:23,500
Did Sam's family know
this werewolf?
578
00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:26,634
You know, like,
pre -- pre-becoming a werewolf?
579
00:29:26,634 --> 00:29:28,636
Was it the
neighborhood pervert
580
00:29:28,636 --> 00:29:30,594
who was bitten by
some lycan
581
00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:32,074
and then just came
after the family
582
00:29:32,074 --> 00:29:33,772
'cause, like,
he secretly likes little boys,
583
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,425
like Stanley Tucci?
[Sniffs]
584
00:29:35,425 --> 00:29:37,253
I mean, not that Stanley Tucci
likes little boys,
585
00:29:37,253 --> 00:29:38,907
but you know, it's kind of
like "Lovely Bones,"
586
00:29:38,907 --> 00:29:40,691
and he played that character,
and he was so good.
587
00:29:40,691 --> 00:29:42,258
Yeah, no, I don't know.
I mean, that's good,
588
00:29:42,258 --> 00:29:43,956
but I -- I don't know.
I-I'll figure that out.
589
00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:46,480
But...
-Okay. So, uh...
590
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,352
Does Sam get
his revenge?
591
00:29:49,352 --> 00:29:52,399
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
592
00:29:52,399 --> 00:29:56,098
[Sighs heavily] Maybe Sam tracks
him down like at a diner.
593
00:29:56,098 --> 00:29:57,839
Maybe he's like
a creepy mechanic.
594
00:29:57,839 --> 00:29:59,580
With his mom's revolver,
595
00:29:59,580 --> 00:30:01,103
the gun he's been carrying
around for years,
596
00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:03,366
and it's loaded
with silver bullets.
597
00:30:03,366 --> 00:30:05,325
And he walks up to him.
He knows who he is.
598
00:30:05,325 --> 00:30:08,067
He knows his, like, alter ego,
you know?
599
00:30:08,067 --> 00:30:11,635
And he's like, "Excuse me...
600
00:30:11,635 --> 00:30:14,421
Are you Ben...Franklin?"
601
00:30:14,421 --> 00:30:16,118
Sorry, I'm not good
with coming up with names.
602
00:30:16,118 --> 00:30:18,033
No, I think it's great that
the werewolf shares his name
603
00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:20,296
with a politician
who also discovered electricity.
604
00:30:20,296 --> 00:30:21,907
Yeah, I agree.
605
00:30:21,907 --> 00:30:23,996
"Are you Ben Franklin?"
606
00:30:23,996 --> 00:30:26,389
"[Deep voice] What the fuck
is it to you, buddy?"
607
00:30:26,389 --> 00:30:28,391
And he just, like --
all the rage, all he hears.
608
00:30:28,391 --> 00:30:30,611
He's just, like, seeing
the...[imitates roar],
like, all those years.
609
00:30:30,611 --> 00:30:34,006
And he's looking at
his eyes, and he looks
at him, and he knows.
610
00:30:34,006 --> 00:30:37,139
And then...everything goes
in slow-motion.
611
00:30:37,139 --> 00:30:42,971
[Imitates heartbeat][Heart beating]
612
00:30:42,971 --> 00:30:45,278
[Thunder rumbles]
613
00:30:45,278 --> 00:30:47,367
Splat.
614
00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:50,370
End movie!
Cue Huey Lewis!
615
00:30:50,370 --> 00:30:51,632
Credits.
616
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:55,810
[Howling]
617
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:58,682
What if Sam's a girl?
618
00:30:58,682 --> 00:31:01,381
Uh...
619
00:31:01,381 --> 00:31:03,731
Well, she's not.
620
00:31:03,731 --> 00:31:06,516
Because I'm writing
from personal experience.
621
00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:07,996
Oh,
the personal experience
622
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,477
of a werewolf killing
your entire family?
623
00:31:10,477 --> 00:31:12,827
You must hate dogs.[Scoffs] Fanny...
624
00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:15,003
Too many white guys
in action flicks.
625
00:31:15,003 --> 00:31:16,526
Come on, John Wick.
626
00:31:16,526 --> 00:31:17,963
Pass the Bechdel test.
627
00:31:17,963 --> 00:31:19,268
Okay, Sam's a girl.
628
00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:20,835
Sam's a girl now.
Sam's Samantha.
629
00:31:20,835 --> 00:31:22,489
Okay. You happy?
630
00:31:22,489 --> 00:31:25,927
Sam is a girl,
because I'm a...
631
00:31:25,927 --> 00:31:30,149
white dude
who's inclusive of all --Inclusive of all genders,
632
00:31:30,149 --> 00:31:32,325
conforming
and nonconforming, yeah.
633
00:31:32,325 --> 00:31:34,414
And hand out a compliment,
for Christ's sake, you know.
634
00:31:34,414 --> 00:31:37,286
I just made a fool of
myself acting my little
heart out for you.
635
00:31:37,286 --> 00:31:39,854
Your turn, Strasbourg.
636
00:31:39,854 --> 00:31:41,508
I'm good.
637
00:31:43,814 --> 00:31:45,425
What the hell do you mean,
you're good?
638
00:31:45,425 --> 00:31:46,948
It was your idea
to stay up all night
639
00:31:46,948 --> 00:31:48,689
and do this, like...[Poker drags]
640
00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:51,257
...scary story
theater shit.
641
00:31:51,257 --> 00:31:53,172
Come on, act out
that "top secret project"
642
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:56,871
you've been talking about.
643
00:31:56,871 --> 00:31:59,004
I couldn't possibly do that.
644
00:32:01,136 --> 00:32:03,399
What, did you sign, like,
an NDA or something?
645
00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:05,924
Actually, yes.
Huh.
646
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:09,753
All my stuff that's in
development is top secret, so...
647
00:32:09,753 --> 00:32:12,626
Well, aren't you, uh...
cool.
648
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,193
Well, you got to tell me
some story.
649
00:32:14,193 --> 00:32:15,977
I mean, come on.
650
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:18,980
Tell me more about
the...[as Cryptkeeper]
woman in the attic.
651
00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:24,943
Actually, I've got a story
for you.
652
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:32,515
It's called...
653
00:32:32,515 --> 00:32:35,344
"Grandpa."
654
00:32:35,344 --> 00:32:37,390
I'm hooked.
And it's about
655
00:32:37,390 --> 00:32:41,524
a little girl
and her creepy-crawly grandpa.
656
00:32:41,524 --> 00:32:44,484
Real quick, if this is
a kid-touchy story,
657
00:32:44,484 --> 00:32:48,618
not interested.Well, that's what makes it
so scary.
658
00:32:48,618 --> 00:32:52,579
This little girl,
let's call her Cassie.
659
00:32:52,579 --> 00:32:55,016
Every day, Cassie is left alone
with her grandpa
660
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:59,673
and she just knows
he's gonna do something.
661
00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:02,328
It's not just the fact
that he's Romanian
662
00:33:02,328 --> 00:33:05,200
or Russian
or something vaguely Slovak
663
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,377
and sounds like
a fucked-up vampire.
664
00:33:08,377 --> 00:33:11,990
It's the way his lazy eyes
665
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,427
track her around the room
666
00:33:14,427 --> 00:33:16,777
as she's cleaning up
667
00:33:16,777 --> 00:33:20,389
or playing with her dolls.
668
00:33:20,389 --> 00:33:23,305
How he sits slumped
669
00:33:23,305 --> 00:33:25,742
at the dining room table
670
00:33:25,742 --> 00:33:29,659
that they haven't had a meal
at since poor grandma died,
671
00:33:29,659 --> 00:33:32,706
his coffee table littered
with old newspapers
672
00:33:32,706 --> 00:33:34,708
and nature magazines
673
00:33:34,708 --> 00:33:37,928
conveniently dog-eared to the
pages of indigenous women
674
00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,843
bearing their breasts,
675
00:33:39,843 --> 00:33:43,151
pack after pack
of Kent Kings smoked.
676
00:33:45,153 --> 00:33:47,764
"[Eastern European accent]
Come here.
677
00:33:47,764 --> 00:33:50,332
Come to your grandpa.
678
00:33:50,332 --> 00:33:52,769
How is school?"
679
00:33:52,769 --> 00:33:54,467
Okay. I'm good.
680
00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:57,035
Dude, shut the fuck up.
I'm not going there, okay?
681
00:33:57,035 --> 00:33:59,037
[Scoffs]
682
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,213
Anyway.
Fucked-up thing.
683
00:34:01,213 --> 00:34:02,997
Cassie tries to hide.
684
00:34:02,997 --> 00:34:05,260
Grandpa tries to find her.
685
00:34:05,260 --> 00:34:07,610
Shuffling around
in his pajamas,
686
00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:11,049
wheeling around
that squeaky oxygen tank.
687
00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:16,445
[Imitates squeaking]
688
00:34:16,445 --> 00:34:20,275
Always knew where grandpa was
'cause of that squeaky tank.
689
00:34:20,275 --> 00:34:24,018
Most fucked-up part
is his dog, Rover --
690
00:34:24,018 --> 00:34:26,238
just nipped at Cassie
any time she came around,
691
00:34:26,238 --> 00:34:28,240
and grandpa
would shrug it off.
692
00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:33,767
"[Accent] Oh, he loves you maybe
more than grandpa, I tink."
693
00:34:33,767 --> 00:34:36,204
[Snorting chuckling]
694
00:34:36,204 --> 00:34:40,121
Just kidding.
[Coughing chuckling]
695
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:43,733
Cassie knew how much grandpa
loved his sloppy soups
696
00:34:43,733 --> 00:34:45,692
and warm apple sauces.
697
00:34:45,692 --> 00:34:49,565
So one say before dinner,
she goes to the medicine cabinet
698
00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,567
and decides to poison him.
699
00:34:51,567 --> 00:34:55,180
That's a fucked-up kid.No, it's like kid logic.
700
00:34:55,180 --> 00:34:56,703
You know, she's like,
"[Falsetto] I don't know.
701
00:34:56,703 --> 00:34:58,574
Maybe medicine will
make him better
702
00:34:58,574 --> 00:35:00,315
or maybe it will
make him dead.
703
00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:02,361
But either way,
I shall be happier.
704
00:35:02,361 --> 00:35:05,190
Also I'm 5,
so I don't know better."[Medicine cabinet creaks]
705
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:07,105
So she takes
the medicine out,
706
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,932
and she breaks
the little pills
707
00:35:08,932 --> 00:35:12,110
like a mini
Paul Sheldon "Misery."
708
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,982
Sprinkles them
over the soup
709
00:35:14,982 --> 00:35:17,463
and serves grandpa.[Bowl clatters]
710
00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:21,945
But just as grandpa is about
to take his first sip...[Spoon scraping]
711
00:35:22,729 --> 00:35:24,034
[Coughing]
712
00:35:24,034 --> 00:35:25,732
...he begins to cough.
713
00:35:25,732 --> 00:35:27,560
And soon...[coughs]
714
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:31,303
...the cough turns
into a full emphysemic attack.
715
00:35:31,303 --> 00:35:38,136
[Coughing, gagging][Man coughing]
716
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:40,790
He spasms and knocks
the soup over.[Soup and spoon clattering]
717
00:35:40,790 --> 00:35:44,794
Before he can say, "Down boy,"
Rover runs over...[Dog tags jangling,
paws thudding]
718
00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:46,622
...and eats all of it.
719
00:35:46,622 --> 00:35:54,543
[Slurping, bowl clattering]
720
00:35:54,543 --> 00:35:57,416
[Imitates slurping]
721
00:35:57,416 --> 00:35:59,374
Stop. Sorry.
722
00:35:59,374 --> 00:36:01,637
That just makes me
uncomfortable.
723
00:36:01,637 --> 00:36:03,987
Not long after Rover
lap-lap-laps up
724
00:36:03,987 --> 00:36:06,686
all that soup,
as expected,
725
00:36:06,686 --> 00:36:09,254
he drops dead right there,
right in front of them.
726
00:36:09,254 --> 00:36:11,125
[Dog whimpers, thuds]
727
00:36:11,125 --> 00:36:13,083
As you can imagine,
728
00:36:13,083 --> 00:36:16,043
grandpa is beside himself.
729
00:36:16,043 --> 00:36:20,569
[Screaming] "Nyet! Nyet!
730
00:36:20,569 --> 00:36:26,009
Oh,
[speaking foreign language]!
731
00:36:26,009 --> 00:36:30,318
Oh, my-ah suka.
732
00:36:30,318 --> 00:36:34,931
Suka...
733
00:36:34,931 --> 00:36:38,152
Grandpa's health quickly
declines after that.
734
00:36:38,152 --> 00:36:41,677
Few days later, Cassie kneels
next to grandpa's bed
735
00:36:41,677 --> 00:36:45,115
and shovels
Greek yogurt or applesauce
736
00:36:45,115 --> 00:36:47,683
or some soft shit
into his mouth,
737
00:36:47,683 --> 00:36:50,295
but he's just too sad.
738
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,992
It just gets
all over his face.
739
00:36:51,992 --> 00:36:53,733
Like...[gurgling]
740
00:36:56,562 --> 00:37:00,522
"[Accent] Cassie, come here.
741
00:37:00,522 --> 00:37:03,569
I have secret for you."
742
00:37:03,569 --> 00:37:06,311
Well, Cassie doesn't want
to "cyum heahr."
743
00:37:06,311 --> 00:37:08,051
But she does 'cause she knows
what she did,
744
00:37:08,051 --> 00:37:10,271
and she's like, "[As Cassie]
You know, whatever.
745
00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:13,361
It'll be over soon.
Remember what mom said.
746
00:37:13,361 --> 00:37:15,015
Be nice to grandpa.
747
00:37:15,015 --> 00:37:16,799
He don't got long left."
748
00:37:16,799 --> 00:37:20,673
And he grabs her arm
with his gnarly fingers.
749
00:37:20,673 --> 00:37:23,197
"Oh, grandpa,
you're hurting me."
750
00:37:23,197 --> 00:37:25,721
"[Accent] Shh. Shh.
751
00:37:25,721 --> 00:37:28,071
I know what you did.
752
00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:30,596
I know you tried to kill me
753
00:37:30,596 --> 00:37:33,947
but you killed doggy instead."
754
00:37:33,947 --> 00:37:37,080
"[Crying] No, grandpa, I swear.
I didn't mean to.
755
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,344
I promise it was a mistake.
756
00:37:39,344 --> 00:37:41,084
It was an accident."
757
00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:46,176
"When I..." [Coughing]
758
00:37:46,176 --> 00:37:47,656
He starts choking, you know?
759
00:37:47,656 --> 00:37:49,136
He's got the food
all over his mouth.
760
00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,920
It's fucking disgusting.
761
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:54,576
[Coughing]
762
00:37:54,576 --> 00:37:57,753
"[Accent] When I come back,
763
00:37:57,753 --> 00:38:00,190
I'm going to get you.
764
00:38:00,190 --> 00:38:02,889
[Thunder crashes]
765
00:38:02,889 --> 00:38:05,500
-Wow.
-She's just fucking crying.
766
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:12,986
[Sobbing as Cassie]
767
00:38:12,986 --> 00:38:16,119
"[Accent] Shh. Yes, cry.
768
00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:20,428
You cry little girl
'cause you try to kill me
769
00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:24,040
but you killed doggy instead.
770
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,129
Is so much worse.
771
00:38:26,129 --> 00:38:27,522
[Thunder rumbles]
772
00:38:27,522 --> 00:38:31,918
[Chuckling, snorting]
773
00:38:31,918 --> 00:38:34,007
[Thunder rumbles]
774
00:38:34,007 --> 00:38:36,966
[Choking]
775
00:38:36,966 --> 00:38:38,707
[Exhales deeply]
776
00:38:38,707 --> 00:38:41,797
[Thunder rumbles]
777
00:38:41,797 --> 00:38:45,932
So Cassie's mom sees her little
girl just totally inconsolable,
778
00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:48,195
just crying,
and she thinks she's sad.
779
00:38:48,195 --> 00:38:50,240
But no,
she's fucking terrified.
780
00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:52,939
Mom shields Cassie's eyes
from the dead body,
781
00:38:52,939 --> 00:38:55,202
pointing her directly
to the wall
782
00:38:55,202 --> 00:38:58,510
where the only piece of art...
783
00:38:58,510 --> 00:39:00,338
is a portrait...
784
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,514
of grandpa's...
785
00:39:02,514 --> 00:39:06,561
beloved dog, Rover.
786
00:39:09,172 --> 00:39:10,696
Cue convenient thunder
and lightning.
787
00:39:10,696 --> 00:39:13,612
[Thunder crashes]
788
00:39:13,612 --> 00:39:15,701
Thank you. So!
789
00:39:15,701 --> 00:39:18,007
Couple years later,
Cassie's in high school.
790
00:39:18,007 --> 00:39:20,183
-Show me those details.
-Don't interrupt me.
791
00:39:20,183 --> 00:39:22,490
So, one day, they leave
her home alone,
792
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:27,060
and Cassie plops down
on the couch,
793
00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:29,976
pops in a VHS --
something innocuous.[VHS slides]
794
00:39:29,976 --> 00:39:31,847
-"Howard the Duck."
-Don't interrupt me.
795
00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:35,024
Sorry.[Bottle cap thuds, VHS slides]
796
00:39:35,024 --> 00:39:38,811
Cassie's splayed out
on the couch,
797
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:42,684
watching "Howard the Duck."
798
00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:44,512
Ah, damn it.[Remote clicks]
799
00:39:44,512 --> 00:39:48,037
-I'm Howard the duck.
-When the phone rings...
800
00:39:48,037 --> 00:39:51,867
[Telephone rings][Receiver picks up]
801
00:39:51,867 --> 00:39:54,087
"[Falsetto] Hello?"
Cassie's voice and body
802
00:39:54,087 --> 00:39:55,567
are stunted
from the childhood trauma.
803
00:39:55,567 --> 00:39:58,004
It's a psychological disorder.
804
00:39:58,004 --> 00:40:00,833
"Hello?
805
00:40:00,833 --> 00:40:02,400
[Through receiver] "[Accent] Cassie..."
806
00:40:04,924 --> 00:40:08,057
If this was a movie, I'd dolly
in real slow right about now.
807
00:40:10,059 --> 00:40:11,800
"[Accent] Cassie...
808
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:14,890
Do you know who this is?
809
00:40:17,676 --> 00:40:21,375
It's grandpa.
810
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:29,644
I told you when I come back,
I was going to gyet you.
811
00:40:29,644 --> 00:40:34,127
[Chuckles].
812
00:40:34,127 --> 00:40:37,304
[Whispering]
And that's when she hears it.
813
00:40:37,304 --> 00:40:40,612
In the house.
814
00:40:40,612 --> 00:40:42,265
The squeak.
815
00:40:42,265 --> 00:40:45,399
[Wheels rolling across wood]
816
00:40:45,399 --> 00:40:51,492
[Imitates squeaking][Footsteps and squeaking]
817
00:40:51,492 --> 00:40:57,759
[Squeaking continues]
818
00:40:57,759 --> 00:41:00,501
Nice sound effects.
819
00:41:00,501 --> 00:41:03,330
[Squeaking continues][Footsteps and squeaking
continue]
820
00:41:06,812 --> 00:41:09,379
Cassie's like, "What do I do?
821
00:41:09,379 --> 00:41:11,469
Should I get a knife
or somethin'?"
822
00:41:15,734 --> 00:41:17,475
[Knife shinks]
823
00:41:21,870 --> 00:41:25,613
[Whispering] And she walks...
slowly to the staircase.
824
00:41:34,013 --> 00:41:37,277
Whatever it is...
825
00:41:37,277 --> 00:41:38,931
It's close.
826
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:48,636
And then she sees it.
827
00:41:48,636 --> 00:41:49,898
[Gasps]
828
00:41:49,898 --> 00:41:54,512
[Ominous music plays]
829
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,515
There at the top of the stairs
830
00:41:57,515 --> 00:42:00,343
is grandpa's shitty, shitty
Shih Tzu.
831
00:42:03,172 --> 00:42:07,525
"R-Rover?"[Dog growling]
832
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:12,791
It traipses down the stairs
with a sickly gait...[Stairs groaning]
833
00:42:12,791 --> 00:42:18,536
...one cockeyed leg
in front of the other...
834
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:26,674
[raspy] and rowls...
835
00:42:26,674 --> 00:42:30,417
towards...
836
00:42:30,417 --> 00:42:34,290
Cassie...[Dog tags jangling]
837
00:42:34,290 --> 00:42:41,254
...reeeaaal slow.
838
00:42:41,254 --> 00:42:43,822
And...
839
00:42:43,822 --> 00:42:46,781
gets...
840
00:42:46,781 --> 00:42:51,612
directly in her...
841
00:42:51,612 --> 00:42:53,396
face.
842
00:42:54,876 --> 00:43:00,447
[Guttural, real growl]
843
00:43:00,447 --> 00:43:03,015
The door opens by itself.
844
00:43:03,015 --> 00:43:08,281
[Door creaking]
845
00:43:08,281 --> 00:43:11,501
[Thunder crashes]
846
00:43:11,501 --> 00:43:15,810
♪♪
847
00:43:15,810 --> 00:43:19,553
[Dog tags jangling]Out slinks the ghostly dog,
848
00:43:19,553 --> 00:43:22,295
and in walks mom.
849
00:43:22,295 --> 00:43:25,341
They find Cassie,
850
00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:28,954
face white
as a Japanese toilet,
851
00:43:28,954 --> 00:43:31,739
clutching a knife.
852
00:43:31,739 --> 00:43:35,569
"[As mom] Sweetheart..."
853
00:43:35,569 --> 00:43:38,441
"[As Cassie] Don't call me that.
854
00:43:42,663 --> 00:43:44,622
I need a break.
Let's order pizza.
855
00:43:46,667 --> 00:43:48,103
-Um.
-I'll get it.
856
00:43:52,238 --> 00:43:53,587
What do you want?
857
00:43:53,587 --> 00:43:55,284
Anything but Hawaiian.
858
00:43:55,284 --> 00:43:56,895
Oh, how white of you.
859
00:43:59,288 --> 00:44:02,727
What's with you and this,
like, white-guy shit?
860
00:44:02,727 --> 00:44:04,511
Are you one of these, uh,
861
00:44:04,511 --> 00:44:08,950
white-dudes-will-destroy-
the-Earth feminists...people?
862
00:44:08,950 --> 00:44:10,691
What are you,
an insult dude?
863
00:44:10,691 --> 00:44:13,476
Calm the fuck down.
I'm ordering you some za.
864
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:21,833
Hi, uh, can I get a half-veggie,
half-uh-cheese, probably?
865
00:44:21,833 --> 00:44:25,575
Uh, delivered t--
What's the address?
866
00:44:25,575 --> 00:44:27,665
Uh...
867
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:31,059
Uh. It's...
868
00:44:31,059 --> 00:44:35,324
Uh, yeah.
88 Bonnie Mountain Lane.
869
00:44:35,324 --> 00:44:37,457
An hour? Alright.
Yeah.
870
00:44:37,457 --> 00:44:39,938
They're a little backed up
'cause of the blackouts.
871
00:44:39,938 --> 00:44:43,071
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
Great. Love pizza!
872
00:44:43,071 --> 00:44:46,988
Bye.[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]
873
00:44:46,988 --> 00:44:49,556
Who's Meredith?
She says you're a monster.
874
00:44:49,556 --> 00:44:51,079
Oh, shit.
Give me that.
875
00:44:51,079 --> 00:44:52,820
Who's Meredith?
It's my ex.
876
00:44:52,820 --> 00:44:54,779
Your ex?
What'd you do, monster?
877
00:44:54,779 --> 00:44:56,345
Just give me my phone.Come on --
878
00:44:56,345 --> 00:44:58,391
Just give me
my fucking phone!
879
00:44:58,391 --> 00:45:01,089
You can go back to your bigger,
better fucking cabin!
880
00:45:04,136 --> 00:45:06,181
I'm gonna go for a walk.
881
00:45:06,181 --> 00:45:07,443
Yeah. Thanks.
882
00:45:07,443 --> 00:45:09,707
A little privacy
would be great.
883
00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:25,548
[Speaking indistinctly]
884
00:45:31,424 --> 00:45:35,776
[Speaking continues]
885
00:45:35,776 --> 00:45:55,578
♪♪
886
00:45:55,578 --> 00:45:58,843
-I'm done.
-Jesus! Dicks!
887
00:45:58,843 --> 00:46:01,759
Sorry.
[Exhales heavily]
888
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,848
Sorry.
Didn't mean to.
889
00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:07,242
What do you got there?
890
00:46:07,242 --> 00:46:10,158
CBD.
Maybe I should've given you some
891
00:46:10,158 --> 00:46:12,465
before you freaked
the fuck out.
892
00:46:12,465 --> 00:46:14,206
Yeah, maybe you should've
given me something
893
00:46:14,206 --> 00:46:17,122
before my ex told me she's
filing a protection notice.
894
00:46:17,122 --> 00:46:19,733
Protection notice?
895
00:46:19,733 --> 00:46:22,475
You mean,
restraining order?
896
00:46:22,475 --> 00:46:23,868
It's not the same thing.
897
00:46:23,868 --> 00:46:26,131
Um.
898
00:46:26,131 --> 00:46:27,480
May I?
899
00:46:30,962 --> 00:46:33,268
[Sighs heavily]
900
00:46:37,882 --> 00:46:39,884
It's good.
901
00:46:39,884 --> 00:46:42,408
I took her for granted.
902
00:46:42,408 --> 00:46:44,410
Um...
903
00:46:44,410 --> 00:46:48,022
And, uh...
she wanted to end it.
904
00:46:48,022 --> 00:46:49,371
Big surprise.
905
00:46:49,371 --> 00:46:52,244
She decided to kick me out.
906
00:46:52,244 --> 00:46:54,812
Big surprise.
907
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,945
I find out there may have
been another guy.
908
00:47:00,426 --> 00:47:02,297
Bigsurprise.
909
00:47:02,297 --> 00:47:05,170
And, um...
910
00:47:05,170 --> 00:47:08,477
I wrote her
a bunch of letters,
911
00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:11,959
called her
200 or 300 times,
912
00:47:11,959 --> 00:47:13,961
and I threatened
to kill her.
913
00:47:16,485 --> 00:47:18,531
We threatened to kill
each other, honestly.
[Clears throat]
914
00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:20,185
You know when you're in
a relationship with someone...
915
00:47:20,185 --> 00:47:22,665
I don't know if you're --
you're in a...
916
00:47:22,665 --> 00:47:25,712
...and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
917
00:47:25,712 --> 00:47:27,583
Not making me feel
any better, buddy.
918
00:47:27,583 --> 00:47:29,585
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
919
00:47:29,585 --> 00:47:31,326
Anyway, I got a shrink,
920
00:47:31,326 --> 00:47:33,851
my shit's together,
I hate my life.
921
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:35,548
Why do you hate
your life?
922
00:47:35,548 --> 00:47:37,158
[Laughs]
923
00:47:37,158 --> 00:47:38,464
Why do I hate my life?
924
00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:41,293
Well, um...
925
00:47:41,293 --> 00:47:42,642
Look at you.
926
00:47:42,642 --> 00:47:44,600
You're what?
927
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:46,341
A classy lady.
928
00:47:46,341 --> 00:47:48,517
No, how old are you?
929
00:47:48,517 --> 00:47:50,389
You don't ask a classy lady
her age.
930
00:47:50,389 --> 00:47:52,695
I'm 38.
[Exhales heavily]
931
00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:56,830
And you are living
your dream,
932
00:47:56,830 --> 00:48:00,225
and your dream
isn't exactly rocket science.
933
00:48:02,401 --> 00:48:04,403
Gee. Thanks, dude.
934
00:48:04,403 --> 00:48:06,971
I'm sorry.
I didn't -- I --Hey, I have an idea.
935
00:48:06,971 --> 00:48:09,495
Why don't you
dosomething?
936
00:48:11,584 --> 00:48:13,629
Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'll -- I'll get right to it.
937
00:48:13,629 --> 00:48:15,893
Well,
here's an opportunity.
938
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:18,765
[Quietly] It's your turn.
939
00:48:18,765 --> 00:48:32,692
♪♪
940
00:48:32,692 --> 00:48:35,956
Hit me, Scaremaster.
941
00:48:35,956 --> 00:48:37,479
Why don't you do "Venus?"
942
00:48:37,479 --> 00:48:39,568
Why?
'Cause it's a classic.
943
00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:42,702
Those of us who...
don't know what it is.
944
00:48:42,702 --> 00:48:44,573
For those of us
who don't know?
945
00:48:44,573 --> 00:48:47,576
This isn't a movie, dude.
We don't need to establish shit.
946
00:48:47,576 --> 00:48:49,578
Establish with me.
I haven't read it.
947
00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:51,537
I thought you were a fan.Maybe.
948
00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:53,104
So, you haven't
read my book,
949
00:48:53,104 --> 00:48:54,757
but you know
I'm the author?
950
00:48:54,757 --> 00:48:58,370
[Exhales sharply] Only because
you told me who you are.
951
00:48:58,370 --> 00:48:59,719
I -- I don't read a lot.
952
00:48:59,719 --> 00:49:01,764
Reading and writing
makes a good writer.
953
00:49:01,764 --> 00:49:04,637
It's a Stephen King quote.
Not verbatim.
954
00:49:04,637 --> 00:49:06,944
Well, I'm pretty sure
I can just write
955
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:08,946
and watch movies
and be good at it.
956
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,686
I'm pretty sure that's
the quickest way
957
00:49:10,686 --> 00:49:12,950
to become
a regurgitative hack.
958
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:14,690
[Pages ruffle]
959
00:49:14,690 --> 00:49:17,476
[Pen scratches]
960
00:49:17,476 --> 00:49:18,912
What are you writing?
961
00:49:18,912 --> 00:49:21,001
Ideas.
Good writers write down ideas.
962
00:49:21,001 --> 00:49:22,742
All your golden ideas.
963
00:49:22,742 --> 00:49:24,570
Possibly.
964
00:49:24,570 --> 00:49:25,875
"Venus." Go.
965
00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:27,138
-No.
-Come on.
966
00:49:27,138 --> 00:49:30,576
Humor me.
It's your turn.
967
00:49:30,576 --> 00:49:33,231
It's gonna take me
a minute to think of one.
968
00:49:33,231 --> 00:49:34,710
Wow, really blew your load
969
00:49:34,710 --> 00:49:36,538
with the whole boy
who cried werewolf, huh?
970
00:49:36,538 --> 00:49:37,887
Okay.
971
00:49:37,887 --> 00:49:40,542
[Exhales sharply]
Alright. Um...
972
00:49:43,806 --> 00:49:46,374
I used to do this thing
when I was a kid.
973
00:49:46,374 --> 00:49:51,466
I'd scare my brother by getting
real low like this and going.
974
00:49:51,466 --> 00:49:54,600
[As Gollum] I'm a troll.
975
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:57,429
[Snarls]
That's actually
really good.
976
00:49:57,429 --> 00:50:01,650
I'm a creepy
little troll man.
977
00:50:01,650 --> 00:50:04,566
Oh, no. That's good.
That's scary, Fred.
978
00:50:04,566 --> 00:50:06,960
Do I freak you out?
Yeah.
979
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:08,701
You sound a lot like Gollum
980
00:50:08,701 --> 00:50:11,965
from "Lord of the Rings,"
troll.
981
00:50:11,965 --> 00:50:14,968
What's your story, huh?
982
00:50:14,968 --> 00:50:18,493
Do you live under a bridge?
983
00:50:18,493 --> 00:50:20,713
[Normal voice] I do.
984
00:50:20,713 --> 00:50:23,281
I do live under a bridge.
985
00:50:23,281 --> 00:50:26,414
More interesting if you lived
somewhere weird, like, uh --
986
00:50:26,414 --> 00:50:28,199
like the air ducts
of an office building --
987
00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:30,636
An Edible Arrangements
company.
988
00:50:32,899 --> 00:50:36,120
[Indistinct office chatter][Telephone rings]
989
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:38,600
[Silly voice] Baskets
You Can Eat! There's
a troll in the wall.
990
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:40,863
[Chuckling] That's
really good. There's
a new guy at work --
991
00:50:40,863 --> 00:50:43,736
or girl, hmm, sorry.
Uh, her name's, uh, Karen.
992
00:50:43,736 --> 00:50:45,825
It seems like a good name for,
like, an unsuspecting new hire.
993
00:50:45,825 --> 00:50:48,175
Sure.Anyway, Karen interviews
with the old boss
994
00:50:48,175 --> 00:50:50,699
who's like, "Sure, at
Baskets You Can Eat,
the name sounds cute,
995
00:50:50,699 --> 00:50:52,701
and, sure, we seem like a bunch
of sweet, simple folks
996
00:50:52,701 --> 00:50:54,051
living in a small coastal
997
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,530
Maine town
where nothing bad happens,
998
00:50:55,530 --> 00:50:57,054
except we've got
one small secret.
999
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:59,056
There is a troll
living in our ceiling."
1000
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,014
Do not be afraid
of the troll!
1001
00:51:01,014 --> 00:51:02,537
If you don't fuck
with the troll,
1002
00:51:02,537 --> 00:51:04,191
the troll
don't fuck with you.
1003
00:51:04,191 --> 00:51:06,019
[Normal voice] Oh, they wouldn't
really swear, would they?
1004
00:51:06,019 --> 00:51:08,282
It'd be more like, "[Breathily]
Oh, mind your baskets.
1005
00:51:08,282 --> 00:51:10,850
Mind your baskets,
and the troll will mind his."
1006
00:51:10,850 --> 00:51:12,373
I like that.
I like "mind your baskets."
1007
00:51:12,373 --> 00:51:13,896
as a sort of a catchphrase.
1008
00:51:13,896 --> 00:51:15,550
Just a bunch of people's
lunches start going missing.
1009
00:51:15,550 --> 00:51:17,509
[Refrigerator jostles]"Hey!
1010
00:51:17,509 --> 00:51:20,207
There was a PB and J in here
that my wife made me!
1011
00:51:20,207 --> 00:51:21,904
Who stole it?
1012
00:51:21,904 --> 00:51:23,863
Was it that troll?"
1013
00:51:23,863 --> 00:51:25,647
Everyone in the office
turns to him at the same time.
1014
00:51:25,647 --> 00:51:27,649
Do it with me.
1015
00:51:27,649 --> 00:51:31,044
[Both sigh]
1016
00:51:31,044 --> 00:51:34,482
Shh.
1017
00:51:34,482 --> 00:51:36,876
Wow, that was --
that was really freaky.
Yeah.
1018
00:51:36,876 --> 00:51:39,966
[Typewriter dings, clacks]Later that night,
Karen's crunching the numbers
1019
00:51:39,966 --> 00:51:42,534
on the arrangements
that are edible, of course.[Typewriter dings]
1020
00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:44,753
And suddenly,
she hears a voice.
1021
00:51:44,753 --> 00:51:47,539
[Gollum muttering]Hello?
1022
00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:49,106
He's in the vents!
1023
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:52,761
[Vents thudding]
1024
00:51:52,761 --> 00:51:54,328
Oh, uh, like in "Labyrinth"
1025
00:51:54,328 --> 00:51:56,113
when all the trolls
skid around her room.
1026
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:58,027
Yeah, it's like you can't
really see 'em, and it's like,
1027
00:51:58,027 --> 00:52:00,421
rumble, rumble, rumble.
And then, he's behind there!
1028
00:52:02,249 --> 00:52:06,253
[Muttering like Gollum]
1029
00:52:06,253 --> 00:52:14,261
[Growling]
1030
00:52:14,261 --> 00:52:16,568
[Growling continues]
1031
00:52:16,568 --> 00:52:24,663
♪♪
1032
00:52:24,663 --> 00:52:28,014
Hello, Karen.
1033
00:52:28,014 --> 00:52:30,843
How do you know my name?
1034
00:52:30,843 --> 00:52:36,675
Mm...because...
[singsong voice] I'm a troll.
1035
00:52:36,675 --> 00:52:38,938
Hey.
Happy Birthday.
1036
00:52:38,938 --> 00:52:40,766
Why, thank you.
1037
00:52:40,766 --> 00:52:42,333
What's your name?
1038
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,467
Dev...
1039
00:52:46,467 --> 00:52:49,644
Devin?
1040
00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:53,344
Devin the troll?
1041
00:52:53,344 --> 00:52:58,479
That's an awfully modern name,
Devin...the troll.
1042
00:52:58,479 --> 00:52:59,959
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
1043
00:52:59,959 --> 00:53:02,701
And I've come to grant you
a birthday wish.
1044
00:53:02,701 --> 00:53:04,355
Anythingyou want.
1045
00:53:04,355 --> 00:53:05,965
Anything at all.
1046
00:53:05,965 --> 00:53:08,315
Oh.
1047
00:53:08,315 --> 00:53:12,493
I would love to say goodbye
to my dad.
1048
00:53:12,493 --> 00:53:15,801
I didn't get to say goodbye
to my dad.
1049
00:53:15,801 --> 00:53:17,890
[Laughs as Devin]
1050
00:53:17,890 --> 00:53:19,544
Why are you laughing at me?
1051
00:53:19,544 --> 00:53:22,329
[Laughing]
Are you fucking kidding me?
1052
00:53:22,329 --> 00:53:25,680
I can't grant you a wish.Why not?
1053
00:53:27,769 --> 00:53:29,858
Because I'm just
a troll.
1054
00:53:29,858 --> 00:53:31,382
[Normal voice]
Yeah, okay, but...
1055
00:53:31,382 --> 00:53:33,427
[as Karen]
why are you here, troll?
1056
00:53:33,427 --> 00:53:35,473
I don't --
1057
00:53:35,473 --> 00:53:38,476
I don't know, story-wise.
1058
00:53:38,476 --> 00:53:40,521
[Sighs] Fred, you're really
overthinking this.
1059
00:53:40,521 --> 00:53:43,437
What is it?
Is it a curse?
Yeah, uh...
1060
00:53:43,437 --> 00:53:45,526
Or maybe he's like a good troll.
Right?
1061
00:53:45,526 --> 00:53:48,399
He was attracted to this place
because of its good vibes.
1062
00:53:48,399 --> 00:53:51,445
The original owner had all
these great intentions
1063
00:53:51,445 --> 00:53:53,404
of, uh, making these
arrangements...
1064
00:53:53,404 --> 00:53:55,362
That are edible.Yes, that are edible.
1065
00:53:55,362 --> 00:53:56,885
...to make people happy.
1066
00:53:56,885 --> 00:53:58,583
And, you know,
then he passed away,
1067
00:53:58,583 --> 00:54:01,281
and now the new owner
is this misogynistic pig.
1068
00:54:01,281 --> 00:54:04,850
So, uh, troll got stuck here.
I don't know.
1069
00:54:04,850 --> 00:54:07,026
Yeah, or it's like...
1070
00:54:07,026 --> 00:54:08,810
[as Devin]
I'm just an evil troll,
1071
00:54:08,810 --> 00:54:11,726
and I've been slumbering
in the air vents,
1072
00:54:11,726 --> 00:54:13,859
and I have a taste
for human flesh.
1073
00:54:13,859 --> 00:54:16,035
[As Karen] Ah, my leg.
1074
00:54:16,035 --> 00:54:19,168
[Hushed] Sorry.
1075
00:54:19,168 --> 00:54:21,083
Say, Karen.
1076
00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:24,391
Do you like
making people happy?
1077
00:54:24,391 --> 00:54:26,263
Why, yes. I do.
1078
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,047
I love
making people happy.
1079
00:54:28,047 --> 00:54:32,051
[Raspy breathing]
1080
00:54:32,051 --> 00:54:34,880
Kill your boss.
1081
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:38,057
He's been real bad
around here.
1082
00:54:38,057 --> 00:54:40,494
Mean and creepy,
1083
00:54:40,494 --> 00:54:42,279
and I want you
to stick him.
1084
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,934
Stick him like the little
creepy pig he is,
1085
00:54:45,934 --> 00:54:48,633
and then, things will
turn around around here.
1086
00:54:48,633 --> 00:54:50,722
[Chuckles]
If you don't,
1087
00:54:50,722 --> 00:54:53,986
I'll kill you
and everyone you know.
1088
00:54:53,986 --> 00:54:56,771
[Laughs]
1089
00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:58,773
Oh, okay.
1090
00:54:58,773 --> 00:55:01,689
Okay. Um.
[Clears throat]
1091
00:55:01,689 --> 00:55:04,126
[As Devin] Tomorrow night,
he'll be working late.
1092
00:55:04,126 --> 00:55:05,476
Do it then.
1093
00:55:05,476 --> 00:55:10,045
I'll be right there
watching.
1094
00:55:10,045 --> 00:55:11,656
Hold up, Devin.
Ah.
1095
00:55:11,656 --> 00:55:16,138
Killing my boss
is a big F'ing deal.
1096
00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:19,098
What do I get in return?
1097
00:55:19,098 --> 00:55:20,752
[Normal voice] Uh.
1098
00:55:20,752 --> 00:55:24,495
I don't...know,
story-wiiise.
1099
00:55:24,495 --> 00:55:26,366
Okay, maybe she kills
her boss
1100
00:55:26,366 --> 00:55:28,455
and then she has to kiss
the troll
1101
00:55:28,455 --> 00:55:30,414
and she gets like, uh,
1102
00:55:30,414 --> 00:55:33,634
300 years of life.
[Sniffs]
1103
00:55:33,634 --> 00:55:35,201
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
1104
00:55:35,201 --> 00:55:36,811
Yeah. Y--
[Clears throat]
1105
00:55:36,811 --> 00:55:39,640
[As Devin] Kill your boss
and then kiss me,
1106
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:41,947
and you'll live
for 300 years.
1107
00:55:41,947 --> 00:55:44,341
[As Karen] Oh, you're too ugly
to kiss.
1108
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:45,777
You literally just told me
to say that.
1109
00:55:45,777 --> 00:55:48,519
Well, you make a very good
point, Devin the troll.
1110
00:55:48,519 --> 00:55:50,999
-[Sighs]
-Okay. Kill my boss,
1111
00:55:50,999 --> 00:55:53,567
live to see my
granddaughter's granddaughters,
1112
00:55:53,567 --> 00:55:55,177
and kiss a troll.
1113
00:55:55,177 --> 00:55:56,918
Wow, a lot of rules,
but yeah, okay.
1114
00:55:56,918 --> 00:55:59,094
I'm in. Deal.[Thunder crashes]
1115
00:55:59,094 --> 00:56:00,748
So, Karen goes about
her business,
1116
00:56:00,748 --> 00:56:04,273
you know, selling baskets
that are edible or whatever,
1117
00:56:04,273 --> 00:56:07,494
and the day comes where
she's working late
1118
00:56:07,494 --> 00:56:09,366
and she has to kill
1119
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:13,021
her seemingly harmless boss.
1120
00:56:13,021 --> 00:56:15,850
And her heart is pounding.
1121
00:56:15,850 --> 00:56:20,551
And she ducks
into his office.
1122
00:56:20,551 --> 00:56:22,161
[As Karen]
But he's not there.
1123
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:25,904
[As boss] Oh, hey.
1124
00:56:25,904 --> 00:56:29,560
You lookin' for somethin'?
1125
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:31,300
[As Karen] Oh. I, um...
1126
00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:34,086
I was just -- I was looking
for someone.
1127
00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:36,915
I was actually looking
for you.
1128
00:56:38,917 --> 00:56:43,008
[As boss] Oh, were ya?
1129
00:56:43,008 --> 00:56:45,750
[Normal voice]
And just like that,
1130
00:56:45,750 --> 00:56:48,709
all her doubts go flying
out the window
1131
00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,407
'cause sure her enough,
1132
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,801
her creepy-fucking boss
moves on her
1133
00:56:53,801 --> 00:56:56,064
like the pervert he is.
1134
00:56:56,064 --> 00:56:57,588
[Inhales deeply]
1135
00:56:57,588 --> 00:56:59,546
Oh.
1136
00:56:59,546 --> 00:57:02,767
His hand moves all around
her body, up her neck,
1137
00:57:02,767 --> 00:57:07,641
in her mouth [spits]...
in her...[spits]
1138
00:57:07,641 --> 00:57:11,340
lips, cheek.
1139
00:57:11,340 --> 00:57:13,168
[As Karen] Oh.
1140
00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:17,825
[Normal voice] He rubs his
little, tiny disgusting erection
1141
00:57:17,825 --> 00:57:21,176
against his K-Mart khakis.
1142
00:57:21,176 --> 00:57:26,138
His breath sounds smells like
a PB and J sour melt sammie.
1143
00:57:26,138 --> 00:57:29,315
Ew.
Yeah, no shit, ew.
1144
00:57:29,315 --> 00:57:31,056
We're trying to empathize
with her, you know.
1145
00:57:31,056 --> 00:57:33,580
Make -- Make us really want
to kill this motherfucker.
1146
00:57:33,580 --> 00:57:37,976
[Sighs heavily] So Karen
is pressed against the wall,
1147
00:57:37,976 --> 00:57:40,326
surrounded by
edible arrangements.
1148
00:57:40,326 --> 00:57:42,415
You know, which is ironic,
because they're just supposed
1149
00:57:42,415 --> 00:57:44,243
to make people feel better.
1150
00:57:45,766 --> 00:57:50,162
[As Karen] [Breathing heavily]
How am I gonna kill this guy?
1151
00:57:50,162 --> 00:57:52,643
[Normal voice]
And then she sees them.
1152
00:57:52,643 --> 00:57:54,209
Scissors.
1153
00:57:54,209 --> 00:57:56,473
[Scissors snipping]
1154
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:59,606
Fred: He's got her by
the shoulders now,
1155
00:57:59,606 --> 00:58:02,827
and he's complimenting her
on how great she smells,
1156
00:58:02,827 --> 00:58:05,394
which is ironic,
because he smells like a --
1157
00:58:05,394 --> 00:58:06,961
Dirty diaper.
Yeah.
1158
00:58:06,961 --> 00:58:11,009
Like a dirty diaper
filled with sour cream.
1159
00:58:11,009 --> 00:58:14,534
Oh, God.
Well, point is
he's disgusting,
1160
00:58:14,534 --> 00:58:16,797
and Karen's got the scissors
by her side now.
1161
00:58:16,797 --> 00:58:19,234
They're hidden.
And she's like...
1162
00:58:19,234 --> 00:58:22,063
[As Karen] Oh, gosh.
I've never killed someone.
1163
00:58:22,063 --> 00:58:26,111
"Does living for 300 years
really mean that much to me?"
1164
00:58:26,111 --> 00:58:28,809
[Normal voice] But
then she feels those
two beady yellow eyes
1165
00:58:28,809 --> 00:58:31,116
staring at her
from the air ducts.
1166
00:58:31,116 --> 00:58:37,470
♪♪
1167
00:58:37,470 --> 00:58:40,081
Is that the dishwasher?
1168
00:58:40,081 --> 00:58:42,127
I thought the power
was out.
1169
00:58:42,127 --> 00:58:44,825
-Stay in it.
-Yeah.
1170
00:58:44,825 --> 00:58:47,349
[As Devin] Come on.
Don't be a coward.
1171
00:58:47,349 --> 00:58:49,743
Wow, you must
really want that kiss, huh?
1172
00:58:49,743 --> 00:58:53,181
Anyway, her boss says
something condescending
to her. Something like,
1173
00:58:53,181 --> 00:58:56,533
"[Midwestern accent]
Oh, you're such a good girl."
1174
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:58,926
Yeah, or like,
"You got a lot to learn,
1175
00:58:58,926 --> 00:59:01,189
and I'm
a really good teacher."
1176
00:59:01,189 --> 00:59:03,452
No, you know,
something more, uh, subtle.
1177
00:59:03,452 --> 00:59:05,150
That's too on the nose,
subtle and creepy.
1178
00:59:05,150 --> 00:59:08,283
Something like,
"Oh, you bore me."
1179
00:59:08,283 --> 00:59:10,111
But, you know,
he's fully erect.
1180
00:59:10,111 --> 00:59:12,026
And the troll's pissed now.
He's like,
1181
00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:15,160
"[Growling] Do it!
Do it or I'll do it
my-fucking-self!
1182
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:16,857
Karen stabs!
1183
00:59:16,857 --> 00:59:18,337
[Screams]
1184
00:59:21,470 --> 00:59:23,603
[Gasps] Uh-oh.
1185
00:59:23,603 --> 00:59:25,736
[Laughs]
1186
00:59:25,736 --> 00:59:27,302
Oh, yeah.
It's like, um,
1187
00:59:27,302 --> 00:59:29,000
his mousy secretary
has come back into the room.
1188
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:30,915
She's forgotten something.Yeah.
1189
00:59:30,915 --> 00:59:34,832
[Gasps as Barbara] Karen?
1190
00:59:34,832 --> 00:59:36,964
Barbara.
1191
00:59:36,964 --> 00:59:38,662
It's not what it looks like.
1192
00:59:38,662 --> 00:59:41,708
And that's when the troll's
like, "Kill her, quick!
1193
00:59:41,708 --> 00:59:44,232
No witnesses!"
1194
00:59:44,232 --> 00:59:49,194
-[Snarling]
-[Screaming]
1195
00:59:49,194 --> 00:59:51,326
[Snarling]
1196
00:59:51,326 --> 00:59:56,027
-[Sobbing]
-[Snarling continues]
1197
00:59:56,027 --> 01:00:00,422
[Snarling continues]
-[Screaming]
1198
01:00:00,422 --> 01:00:04,339
[Laughing]
I'm gonna eat you alive![Laughing]
1199
01:00:04,339 --> 01:00:06,777
Ow! Ow! God.
1200
01:00:06,777 --> 01:00:09,344
It's not that it's not painful
to sit like that.
1201
01:00:09,344 --> 01:00:11,520
It's just...
[Laughs]
1202
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:13,871
[Panting]
Oh, Lord.
1203
01:00:13,871 --> 01:00:15,220
Yeah.
1204
01:00:15,220 --> 01:00:16,569
Oh, um...
1205
01:00:16,569 --> 01:00:19,790
The deed done,
the troll, um...
1206
01:00:19,790 --> 01:00:21,792
Oh, yeah.
Uh, you know, uh.
1207
01:00:21,792 --> 01:00:24,185
Yeah, he's like --
He's like...He comes at the woman.
1208
01:00:24,185 --> 01:00:26,797
He's like, "Good teamwork.
1209
01:00:26,797 --> 01:00:29,974
You killed your boss."Yeah, I mean,
I-I think it'd be a little more
1210
01:00:29,974 --> 01:00:32,846
official than that,
yeah, right, like, um...It'd be more, yeah.
It'd be more, like a...
1211
01:00:32,846 --> 01:00:35,066
[As Devin]
A-A-A murderess' streak
1212
01:00:35,066 --> 01:00:37,938
I'll dredge
of you yet, my lady.
1213
01:00:37,938 --> 01:00:39,810
Now, how about that kiss.
1214
01:00:39,810 --> 01:00:41,681
[Normal voice] He's kind of
a pirate in my version.
1215
01:00:41,681 --> 01:00:42,943
That's okay.
Yeah.
1216
01:00:42,943 --> 01:00:44,205
Yeah, and then he --
1217
01:00:44,205 --> 01:00:47,469
and the t--
the troll leans in.
1218
01:00:47,469 --> 01:00:50,037
Oh, uh, yeah.
So does -- So does the lady.
1219
01:00:50,037 --> 01:00:53,737
[As Devin] And to think,
300 years of life...
1220
01:00:53,737 --> 01:00:56,609
Ain't so bad.
It's not so bad.
1221
01:00:56,609 --> 01:00:59,220
[Muttering] Not so bad
1222
01:00:59,220 --> 01:01:01,788
Excuse me.[Fred and Carlo screaming]
1223
01:01:01,788 --> 01:01:03,877
[Screams]
[Breathing heavily]
1224
01:01:03,877 --> 01:01:05,618
Sorry.
I'm Carlo!
1225
01:01:05,618 --> 01:01:07,098
What the fuck is a Carlo?!
1226
01:01:07,098 --> 01:01:08,839
Pizza.
I'm a pizza guy.
1227
01:01:08,839 --> 01:01:10,667
I'm a pizza -- pizza guy.Oh.
1228
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:13,234
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you guys.
1229
01:01:13,234 --> 01:01:15,106
Yeah, it's fine.
Uh-huh.
1230
01:01:15,106 --> 01:01:16,890
[Chuckles]Yeah, well, you definitely
didn't scare us.
1231
01:01:16,890 --> 01:01:18,892
I mean, excuse me, I definitely
did because you definitely
1232
01:01:18,892 --> 01:01:21,199
screamed really loudly, but...
1233
01:01:21,199 --> 01:01:22,940
Half-cheese and half-veggie,
right?Oh, right.
1234
01:01:22,940 --> 01:01:24,898
Oh, yeah, um, yeah.Thank you so much.
1235
01:01:24,898 --> 01:01:28,902
Fred's paying, right?Oh, the -- Yeah, I sure...
1236
01:01:28,902 --> 01:01:30,643
Thanks, dude. Wow.
1237
01:01:30,643 --> 01:01:32,863
Great tip, man.
Appreciate it.
1238
01:01:32,863 --> 01:01:35,126
Alright, well, you guys have
a great evening, okay, uh...
1239
01:01:35,126 --> 01:01:36,954
I'm glad to see you guys aren't
killing each other out here
1240
01:01:36,954 --> 01:01:39,347
'cause it would be the perfect
night to do it, you know?
1241
01:01:39,347 --> 01:01:40,958
It's like, "Wait, what are you
doing out here?"
1242
01:01:40,958 --> 01:01:42,916
"Nah, I'm -- I'm just..."
[Squelching]
1243
01:01:42,916 --> 01:01:45,049
He didn't even see that coming.
[Squelches]
1244
01:01:45,049 --> 01:01:47,965
You know, then just put
him in a conveniently
located car, right?
1245
01:01:47,965 --> 01:01:50,619
And then someone else saw me.
"Oh no!"
1246
01:01:50,619 --> 01:01:56,887
"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."
1247
01:01:56,887 --> 01:01:58,715
And he's dead, right?
1248
01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:00,368
Put him in the trunk.
[Grunts]
1249
01:02:00,368 --> 01:02:03,110
Wow, that was really creepy.
Sorry about that, guys.
1250
01:02:03,110 --> 01:02:05,025
[Chuckles]
Whoo, anyway.
1251
01:02:05,025 --> 01:02:07,027
Good night.Night.
1252
01:02:07,027 --> 01:02:09,508
Wait, wait, wait!Ah. [Snaps fingers]
1253
01:02:09,508 --> 01:02:11,118
Ahh, plates, right?
1254
01:02:11,118 --> 01:02:12,380
For pizza?
1255
01:02:12,380 --> 01:02:14,382
You need plates.
Right.
1256
01:02:14,382 --> 01:02:15,862
Oh, uh, no.
1257
01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:18,691
Y-You seem like a fella
who might be interested
1258
01:02:18,691 --> 01:02:20,954
in some scary stories.
1259
01:02:25,263 --> 01:02:27,395
And you seem correct.
1260
01:02:41,845 --> 01:02:43,890
[Chuckles]
1261
01:02:53,117 --> 01:02:55,859
It's almost like you'd think
I'd be tired of pizza, right?
1262
01:02:55,859 --> 01:02:57,861
But like, no.
I love our pizza.
1263
01:02:57,861 --> 01:02:59,906
It's like the best in town.
You know?
1264
01:02:59,906 --> 01:03:03,518
It's like, in the area
probably, to be honest.
1265
01:03:03,518 --> 01:03:06,086
Right on, man.
So, um, Fred and I --
1266
01:03:06,086 --> 01:03:08,262
my friend over here --
we have been, uh,
1267
01:03:08,262 --> 01:03:11,091
riding out the storm by telling
each other scary stories.
1268
01:03:11,091 --> 01:03:13,920
Oh, that sounds cool.
So, like, you guys, like, are --
1269
01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:16,270
like, Boy Scout leaders
or something like that?
1270
01:03:16,270 --> 01:03:17,619
No, um...
1271
01:03:17,619 --> 01:03:19,317
I'm a --
Well, we're writers.
1272
01:03:19,317 --> 01:03:21,275
I'm not a... [Clears throat]
Well, Fanny's a writer.
1273
01:03:21,275 --> 01:03:23,625
Fanny's famous.
Fannie's a famous writer.
1274
01:03:23,625 --> 01:03:26,454
I'm not famous.[Chuckles]
1275
01:03:26,454 --> 01:03:28,326
Ouch. [Laughs]
1276
01:03:28,326 --> 01:03:31,329
Emancipated much? [Chuckles]
Wait, what's it --
1277
01:03:31,329 --> 01:03:33,244
[snaps fingers] It's
not emancipated.
It's not that.
1278
01:03:33,244 --> 01:03:34,506
Immaculate.
1279
01:03:34,506 --> 01:03:35,855
No, it's the opposite
of that.
1280
01:03:35,855 --> 01:03:38,031
It's just like that
but bad.
1281
01:03:38,031 --> 01:03:40,164
Ooh, emasculated!
[Snapping fingers] That's it.
1282
01:03:40,164 --> 01:03:42,122
You are emasculated!
1283
01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:45,734
Look at you!
You're a emasculated man!
1284
01:03:45,734 --> 01:03:48,346
[Laughs]
1285
01:03:48,346 --> 01:03:50,652
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding, man.
1286
01:03:50,652 --> 01:03:52,829
Come on.
Chin up, man, ah.
1287
01:03:52,829 --> 01:03:54,743
Have you heard of "Venus?"
1288
01:03:54,743 --> 01:03:56,136
Oh, come on.
Let's not.
1289
01:03:56,136 --> 01:03:59,444
Oh, the book?
Of course.
1290
01:03:59,444 --> 01:04:01,750
That's her.
1291
01:04:01,750 --> 01:04:03,752
Wait.
You wrote "Venus?"
1292
01:04:03,752 --> 01:04:05,842
Sure did.
I'm sorry.
1293
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:08,366
You wrote "Venus?"
Mm-hmm.
1294
01:04:08,366 --> 01:04:10,455
You.
Youdid that.
1295
01:04:10,455 --> 01:04:13,110
The person right here
opened a laptop,
1296
01:04:13,110 --> 01:04:14,502
just, I don't know --
just casually wrote
1297
01:04:14,502 --> 01:04:16,374
the best horror book
of all time.
1298
01:04:16,374 --> 01:04:18,071
That's you?
Oh.
1299
01:04:18,071 --> 01:04:21,335
It's not the best horror book
of all time.
1300
01:04:21,335 --> 01:04:24,599
I mean, I know Amazon said that
and like a couple blogs
1301
01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,514
and the New York Times
and The Guardian
1302
01:04:26,514 --> 01:04:28,342
and Wall Street Journal.
1303
01:04:28,342 --> 01:04:29,778
[Garbled] Oh, and Vulture.
1304
01:04:29,778 --> 01:04:31,955
It's a New York
magazine one.
1305
01:04:31,955 --> 01:04:33,434
But not everybody.
1306
01:04:33,434 --> 01:04:34,914
-That is dope!
-Yeah.
1307
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,698
And you're in for a treat,
Carlo,
1308
01:04:36,698 --> 01:04:38,700
because it's Fanny's
turn to tell a story,
1309
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:41,660
so congratulations, buckle up,
and you're welcome.
1310
01:04:41,660 --> 01:04:44,097
She's really good at it.
1311
01:04:44,097 --> 01:04:46,839
Actually, I think, uh,
since Carlo is our guest,
1312
01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:49,407
he should be the one
to decide who tells a story
1313
01:04:49,407 --> 01:04:51,017
andwhat it's about,
1314
01:04:51,017 --> 01:04:52,497
right, sweetie pie?
1315
01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:53,802
Wait -- Oh, yeah, yeah.
1316
01:04:53,802 --> 01:04:55,761
Oh, dope, dope,
dope, dope, dope.
1317
01:04:55,761 --> 01:04:58,198
[Chuckles]
1318
01:04:58,198 --> 01:05:01,680
Do one about dead babies.
1319
01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:03,900
Right?
Like an a army of them.
1320
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:05,771
Ya know, they've got, like,
little baby hands.
1321
01:05:05,771 --> 01:05:07,947
They just like, "We don't
want bottles, we want blood."
1322
01:05:07,947 --> 01:05:10,254
You know? [Laughs]
Like, it can be like a musical.
1323
01:05:10,254 --> 01:05:11,951
It's like
a terrifying musical.
1324
01:05:11,951 --> 01:05:16,086
♪ We're dead babies
with really bad scabies ♪
1325
01:05:16,086 --> 01:05:19,219
Terrible.
1326
01:05:19,219 --> 01:05:20,873
Baby scabies.
1327
01:05:20,873 --> 01:05:22,919
Real bad. Ha.
1328
01:05:24,877 --> 01:05:27,314
[Sighs deeply]
1329
01:05:27,314 --> 01:05:29,142
Or...[Clears throat]
1330
01:05:29,142 --> 01:05:31,362
we could do one about a, uh --
1331
01:05:31,362 --> 01:05:34,365
like a...t-teenager
1332
01:05:34,365 --> 01:05:37,324
who's in school,
and he gets like a s--
1333
01:05:37,324 --> 01:05:39,326
he gets sick.
He gets an illness or something,
1334
01:05:39,326 --> 01:05:40,762
and he's like --
his skin's falling off,
1335
01:05:40,762 --> 01:05:42,503
so it's kind of like
he becomes like a ghoul.
1336
01:05:42,503 --> 01:05:45,115
Ah!
Too Ghoul For School!
1337
01:05:45,115 --> 01:05:47,552
That is very clever!Thank you.
1338
01:05:47,552 --> 01:05:49,293
No, for real.
That is very clever.
1339
01:05:49,293 --> 01:05:51,164
Nice wordplay.
I'm writing it down.
[Gasps]
1340
01:05:51,164 --> 01:05:53,123
She's writing it down.You can't write that down.
1341
01:05:53,123 --> 01:05:56,343
Why not?Because it's not your idea.
1342
01:05:56,343 --> 01:05:59,259
It's not an idea. It's a title.
I'm writing a title.
1343
01:05:59,259 --> 01:06:01,087
Yeah, I thought about it,
and I don't even care.
1344
01:06:01,087 --> 01:06:03,872
Will you stay out of this,
please?Okay. Ouch.
1345
01:06:03,872 --> 01:06:05,787
I mean, ouch for real.
1346
01:06:05,787 --> 01:06:08,399
[Silly voice] Okay, boys.
Just settle down.
1347
01:06:08,399 --> 01:06:10,967
Now who wants to do
some cocaine?
1348
01:06:18,017 --> 01:06:20,019
[Blade tapping]
1349
01:06:20,019 --> 01:06:23,501
[Humming]
1350
01:06:27,809 --> 01:06:30,769
[Sniffing]
1351
01:06:30,769 --> 01:06:32,075
[Exhales sharply]
1352
01:06:32,075 --> 01:06:34,120
Sorry, I don't have a lot.
1353
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:35,992
Wow.
1354
01:06:35,992 --> 01:06:38,646
A writing retreat
without enough drugs.
1355
01:06:38,646 --> 01:06:40,518
How do you do it?
[Chuckles]
1356
01:06:40,518 --> 01:06:43,042
I don't see you contributing
anything.
1357
01:06:43,042 --> 01:06:44,739
You're drinking my booze,
aren't you?
1358
01:06:44,739 --> 01:06:47,742
[Chuckles]
1359
01:06:47,742 --> 01:06:49,309
Anyway.
1360
01:06:49,309 --> 01:06:52,138
I don't do drugs.
1361
01:06:52,138 --> 01:06:54,488
Together:
You've never done coke?!Dude.
1362
01:06:54,488 --> 01:06:56,186
Dude!
You've never done coke?
1363
01:06:56,186 --> 01:06:57,883
You puss-say!
Pussy!
1364
01:06:57,883 --> 01:07:00,016
I'm not a pussy.
I've just never done coke.
1365
01:07:00,016 --> 01:07:01,626
Okay?
1366
01:07:01,626 --> 01:07:04,063
You wouldn't want to see me
on coke if I did it.
1367
01:07:04,063 --> 01:07:05,499
[Breathes sharply]
1368
01:07:09,068 --> 01:07:11,592
[Sniffs]
1369
01:07:11,592 --> 01:07:14,334
Oh, okay.
1370
01:07:14,334 --> 01:07:16,249
Let me do one more.
[Chuckles]
1371
01:07:16,249 --> 01:07:18,382
[Sniffs] Oh!
1372
01:07:18,382 --> 01:07:20,210
Birthdays!
[Chuckling] Yeah.
1373
01:07:20,210 --> 01:07:21,776
Slow down, Lohan.
[Chuckles]
1374
01:07:21,776 --> 01:07:23,822
Man, I haven't done that shit
since college.
1375
01:07:23,822 --> 01:07:25,215
[Chuckles]Where did you go to college?
1376
01:07:25,215 --> 01:07:27,304
Oxford.Hmm. Got ya.
1377
01:07:27,304 --> 01:07:29,654
Alright, guys.
Let's do some scares!
1378
01:07:29,654 --> 01:07:32,048
Scares!
Fanny, fanny, bo-banny.
1379
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:35,573
I can't wait!Why don't you do "Venus."
1380
01:07:35,573 --> 01:07:37,531
Fred, this is an evening
of original work.
1381
01:07:37,531 --> 01:07:39,664
Fanny, one of your
biggest fans is present.
1382
01:07:39,664 --> 01:07:41,709
He would love --
Carlo, wouldn't you?
1383
01:07:41,709 --> 01:07:44,495
Carlo would love to hear you
perform your life's work.
1384
01:07:44,495 --> 01:07:46,366
Ow, my nose.Ahhh...
1385
01:07:46,366 --> 01:07:48,281
that is not my words,
but, uh, uh, uh,
1386
01:07:48,281 --> 01:07:50,327
not wrong, either.
1387
01:07:50,327 --> 01:07:52,111
Enlighten us.
Enlighten me.
1388
01:07:52,111 --> 01:07:54,679
I mean, I haven't read it,
but I bought dinner, didn't I?
1389
01:07:54,679 --> 01:07:57,464
Oh, you buy me dinner,
you expect a story?
1390
01:07:57,464 --> 01:07:59,162
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
1391
01:08:08,954 --> 01:08:11,826
"Venus."[Clapping]
By Fanny Addie, whoo!
1392
01:08:11,826 --> 01:08:13,567
[Statue thuds]Whoa, oh, ah, sorry, hey.
1393
01:08:13,567 --> 01:08:15,700
Kicked this bear.
Does anybody own it?
It's not your house.
1394
01:08:15,700 --> 01:08:18,355
"Venus" is the story of a young
mother and her little boy,
1395
01:08:18,355 --> 01:08:20,922
and they're going on vacation
in the Catskills.
1396
01:08:20,922 --> 01:08:23,577
[Door creaking][Imitates creaking]
1397
01:08:23,577 --> 01:08:26,624
[Gasps][Bats fluttering, squeaking]
1398
01:08:26,624 --> 01:08:28,234
And that's when we hear
something in the room!
1399
01:08:28,234 --> 01:08:30,628
-Ah!
-It's a dare!
1400
01:08:30,628 --> 01:08:34,240
And that part scared
the living shit outta me.[Creature growling]
1401
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:35,937
Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba!
1402
01:08:35,937 --> 01:08:37,896
[Roaring][Exhales sharply]
1403
01:08:37,896 --> 01:08:39,289
-[Screams]
-Taxidermy.
1404
01:08:39,289 --> 01:08:42,074
There's this big
stuffed moose on the wall.
1405
01:08:42,074 --> 01:08:43,597
[Moose bellows]
1406
01:08:43,597 --> 01:08:46,774
-[Distorted] Hey, Fred!
-Fred! Stay in it, Fred!
1407
01:08:46,774 --> 01:08:50,343
[Distorted] Jason's watching
scary movies![Indistinct speaking]
1408
01:08:50,343 --> 01:08:55,131
[Imitating horn blaring][Car horn blaring]
1409
01:08:55,131 --> 01:08:57,568
It's the dead bus driver!
1410
01:08:57,568 --> 01:09:01,702
[Indistinct speaking]
1411
01:09:01,702 --> 01:09:04,444
[Indistinct] gets blood all over
her face, god damn it!
1412
01:09:04,444 --> 01:09:06,054
She's infected!
1413
01:09:06,054 --> 01:09:08,622
What? [Gun cocks]
.22!
1414
01:09:08,622 --> 01:09:12,452
Bang, bang, bang, bang, ka-blam![Gunshots, creatures hissing]
1415
01:09:12,452 --> 01:09:13,975
Cuckaw! Bam![Creatures screeching, gunshot]
1416
01:09:13,975 --> 01:09:16,761
He blows everybody's brains out!Anyway!
1417
01:09:16,761 --> 01:09:18,763
[Distorted] I do this really
amazing job of setting up
1418
01:09:18,763 --> 01:09:21,287
this really honest...
1419
01:09:21,287 --> 01:09:24,551
Hello, miss.
Can I use your bathroom?
1420
01:09:24,551 --> 01:09:26,336
[Echoing] She lets him in.
He's handsome.
1421
01:09:26,336 --> 01:09:28,251
But he doesn't use
the bathroom.
1422
01:09:28,251 --> 01:09:30,905
Are you one of them?
Huh?
Mom thinks fast.
1423
01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:32,559
She grabs a cleaver,
but he's faster.
1424
01:09:32,559 --> 01:09:36,041
[Both grunt]
1425
01:09:36,041 --> 01:09:39,305
Then something
really weird happened.
1426
01:09:39,305 --> 01:09:41,655
[Screaming] Run Jason!
1427
01:09:41,655 --> 01:09:43,657
Ruuun!
1428
01:09:43,657 --> 01:09:46,617
Then all the sudden,
the mom appears -- changed!
1429
01:09:46,617 --> 01:09:49,446
[Hissing]
1430
01:09:49,446 --> 01:09:53,014
He tries to get away,
but he can't run.
1431
01:09:53,014 --> 01:09:55,843
He's like, wait,
what am I doing, oh...[Hissing]
1432
01:09:55,843 --> 01:09:57,236
Hi.
[Screams]
1433
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:07,594
S-So mom just turns
into a zombie vampire?
1434
01:10:07,594 --> 01:10:10,423
Well, that -- We don't call them
that explicitly.Never explained.
1435
01:10:10,423 --> 01:10:11,859
Never explained.
1436
01:10:11,859 --> 01:10:14,340
But that's what
I love about it.
Ohh.
1437
01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:17,648
I mean, look, we left out
a lot of details,
1438
01:10:17,648 --> 01:10:20,955
but the truth is, like, "Venus"
is not just about,
1439
01:10:20,955 --> 01:10:23,044
like, a zombie-like outbreak
that only affects women.
1440
01:10:23,044 --> 01:10:26,613
It's really about
gender politics.
Mm-hmm.
1441
01:10:26,613 --> 01:10:28,746
Huh.
1442
01:10:28,746 --> 01:10:30,922
I don't see it.D-- You don't s--
1443
01:10:30,922 --> 01:10:32,750
[Laughing]
You don't see it.
Um.
1444
01:10:32,750 --> 01:10:35,231
It's about how men
cling to their mothers.
1445
01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:38,886
These, uh, invincible,
infallible humans
1446
01:10:38,886 --> 01:10:41,933
who can do no wrong.
1447
01:10:41,933 --> 01:10:45,545
Yeah. I don't know.
My mom was kind of a...
1448
01:10:45,545 --> 01:10:47,373
Kind of a bitch.
1449
01:10:48,809 --> 01:10:50,768
[Clicks tongue] Wow.
1450
01:10:50,768 --> 01:10:52,204
Okay.
Wow, wow, wow.
1451
01:10:52,204 --> 01:10:54,728
Um, well, on that note...Yeah. [Chuckles]
1452
01:10:54,728 --> 01:10:56,861
You know, I'd just like to take
second to acknowledge,
1453
01:10:56,861 --> 01:10:59,733
to laud,
to fucking celebrate
1454
01:10:59,733 --> 01:11:01,518
this man right here.
1455
01:11:01,518 --> 01:11:05,478
This creative,
beautifully-nuanced
1456
01:11:05,478 --> 01:11:07,567
partner in scares,
1457
01:11:07,567 --> 01:11:09,221
Mr. -- Uh,
1458
01:11:09,221 --> 01:11:10,788
what's your
last name, sweetie?
Oh.
1459
01:11:10,788 --> 01:11:12,703
Oh, I -- I don't tell
anybody that.
Oh, yeah.
1460
01:11:12,703 --> 01:11:16,097
Mr. Carlo,
the enigmatic Carlo.[Chuckles, clears throat]
1461
01:11:16,097 --> 01:11:17,969
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1462
01:11:17,969 --> 01:11:20,232
I, uh, I don't have a speech
prepared, so I won't say one.
1463
01:11:20,232 --> 01:11:22,234
[Chuckles]
1464
01:11:22,234 --> 01:11:23,757
Mmm.
1465
01:11:32,766 --> 01:11:34,855
[Exhaling sharply]
1466
01:11:34,855 --> 01:11:38,903
[Clears throat]
1467
01:11:38,903 --> 01:11:41,035
You still high?I am very high now.
1468
01:11:41,035 --> 01:11:44,387
NNNot me.
1469
01:11:44,387 --> 01:11:48,434
No. I'm still high.
[Chuckles]
1470
01:11:48,434 --> 01:11:50,523
You gonna go, Fred?
1471
01:11:50,523 --> 01:11:53,221
You want me to leave?
1472
01:11:53,221 --> 01:11:56,442
Oh, you want me to go.
My turn. Uh...
1473
01:11:56,442 --> 01:11:59,184
How 'bout we do something
a little cheery, you know?
1474
01:11:59,184 --> 01:12:00,751
All these tales
of tortured kids.
1475
01:12:00,751 --> 01:12:03,536
Why don't we do something
with a little music?
1476
01:12:03,536 --> 01:12:07,148
You know, Fred, that is --
that is a good idea.
1477
01:12:07,148 --> 01:12:09,890
No, really, you are -- You are
truly onto something.
1478
01:12:09,890 --> 01:12:12,197
A story about a singer.
1479
01:12:12,197 --> 01:12:14,808
What else?
1480
01:12:14,808 --> 01:12:18,638
A singer that is, uh, also
like a teen slasher?
1481
01:12:18,638 --> 01:12:21,424
Teen slasher singer.[Chuckles] Oh.
1482
01:12:21,424 --> 01:12:24,992
A singer...
possessed by the devil.
1483
01:12:24,992 --> 01:12:27,604
[Inhales sharply]
1484
01:12:27,604 --> 01:12:30,389
Oh, fucking --
You know what, Fred?
1485
01:12:30,389 --> 01:12:32,348
You're on a fucking roll.
Really.
1486
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,350
True -- True genius
coming out.
Ohh...
1487
01:12:34,350 --> 01:12:37,701
So we got, uh -- we got singer,
we got band, we got the devil.
1488
01:12:37,701 --> 01:12:40,965
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Oh, this sounds
so fucking epic already.
1489
01:12:40,965 --> 01:12:43,402
She's just a small town girl.
1490
01:12:43,402 --> 01:12:45,230
She's living in a crazy world.
1491
01:12:45,230 --> 01:12:47,014
She's always wanted to do more.
1492
01:12:47,014 --> 01:12:49,234
She'd do anything to sing
on national TV!
1493
01:12:49,234 --> 01:12:51,715
Maybe like
"A Star is Born," but Satan!
1494
01:12:51,715 --> 01:12:53,412
[Overlapping agreements,
chuckling]
1495
01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:54,674
And she's got, like,
a good song.
1496
01:12:54,674 --> 01:12:56,067
It's a really
good song, though.
1497
01:12:56,067 --> 01:12:57,764
It's a big show.
It's a big show.
1498
01:12:57,764 --> 01:12:59,592
It's a big show,
and millions of people watch it.
1499
01:12:59,592 --> 01:13:01,681
She's gonna be
on "American Idol!"
1500
01:13:01,681 --> 01:13:04,858
Yas, queen! Yaaas!
1501
01:13:04,858 --> 01:13:06,425
Yeah.
Stakes! [Grunts]
1502
01:13:06,425 --> 01:13:08,775
Stakes!
Stakes!
Give me all the stakes!
1503
01:13:08,775 --> 01:13:10,690
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1504
01:13:10,690 --> 01:13:14,955
[As whiny teen] I would sell my
soul to be on "American Idol."
1505
01:13:14,955 --> 01:13:18,437
[Normal voice] Or another
show that doesn't give
us copyright issues.
1506
01:13:18,437 --> 01:13:20,570
Anyway, so for our purposes
1507
01:13:20,570 --> 01:13:22,398
in our little story,
we're gonna call it.
1508
01:13:22,398 --> 01:13:25,052
The Big Talent Show Live!
1509
01:13:25,052 --> 01:13:27,228
[Silly voice]
The Big Talent Show Live.
1510
01:13:27,228 --> 01:13:28,926
The Big Talent Show...[Hits coffee table]
1511
01:13:28,926 --> 01:13:30,667
The Big Talent Show Live.
1512
01:13:30,667 --> 01:13:33,017
All:
The Big Talent Show Live.
1513
01:13:33,017 --> 01:13:35,672
[All breathing heavily]
1514
01:13:35,672 --> 01:13:40,024
Leading up to the performance,
our lead singer, mm, Beth.
1515
01:13:40,024 --> 01:13:43,375
Let's call her Beth.
Beth starts to have...
1516
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:48,162
a little bit of a reaction...
[grunting]
1517
01:13:48,162 --> 01:13:51,905
to her possession![Thuds into table]
1518
01:13:54,560 --> 01:13:58,651
Her voice...[squeaky] starts
to...[wheezes] get hoarse
1519
01:13:58,651 --> 01:14:01,001
and all over the place...
[distorted] and her skin
1520
01:14:01,001 --> 01:14:04,701
starts to peel,
and her band's like,
1521
01:14:04,701 --> 01:14:06,703
"Hey, um, Beth,
are you okaaay?"
1522
01:14:06,703 --> 01:14:09,401
Yeah,
you don't look so good.[Chuckles]
1523
01:14:09,401 --> 01:14:12,796
[Distorted] I'm fine.
I'm fine!
1524
01:14:12,796 --> 01:14:16,495
We're gonna kill it tonight.
[Normal voice] Which is really
1525
01:14:16,495 --> 01:14:19,629
funny, you know, 'cause the song
is so sweet, right?
1526
01:14:19,629 --> 01:14:22,980
It's like ♪ feel music,
feel the light ♪
1527
01:14:22,980 --> 01:14:25,286
and Beth's just...
[Distorted grunting]
1528
01:14:26,113 --> 01:14:28,812
[Distorted] We're go, guys.
[Grunting]
1529
01:14:28,812 --> 01:14:30,596
BRB!
1530
01:14:30,596 --> 01:14:32,380
Yo, can I talk to you
for a second?Yeah, dude.
1531
01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:34,426
I am worried about Beth.I'm worried about Beth, too,
1532
01:14:34,426 --> 01:14:36,820
just the same,
but maybe more.This is our one shot.
1533
01:14:36,820 --> 01:14:38,691
Yeah, one shot is all it takes.
It's all I have.
1534
01:14:38,691 --> 01:14:40,737
We're gonna be
on national television.Everybody I know is here
1535
01:14:40,737 --> 01:14:42,216
and everybody I don't know.
1536
01:14:42,216 --> 01:14:43,827
She's gonna be
on the Big Talent Show Live.
1537
01:14:43,827 --> 01:14:49,006
[Upbeat music plays]
1538
01:14:49,006 --> 01:14:51,965
[White noise rumbling]
1539
01:14:51,965 --> 01:14:58,494
[Distant cheering]
1540
01:14:58,494 --> 01:15:01,714
[Raspy]
Something doesn't feel right.
1541
01:15:01,714 --> 01:15:06,676
Fred: [Distorted deep voice]
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
1542
01:15:06,676 --> 01:15:09,417
Feeling a little...
1543
01:15:09,417 --> 01:15:11,898
under the weather?
1544
01:15:14,335 --> 01:15:18,862
I -- I sold you my soul
1545
01:15:18,862 --> 01:15:21,125
for this.
1546
01:15:21,125 --> 01:15:22,735
Please...
1547
01:15:22,735 --> 01:15:28,480
[Laughing]
1548
01:15:28,480 --> 01:15:34,051
Carlo: [Distantly] Five minutes
to this program.
1549
01:15:34,051 --> 01:15:35,922
Welcome to the nationally
televised event.
1550
01:15:35,922 --> 01:15:37,576
Millions of people
are watching.
1551
01:15:37,576 --> 01:15:40,536
I hope nothing bad happens.[Audience cheering]
1552
01:15:40,536 --> 01:15:43,843
Don't fuck this up for me,
the devil.
1553
01:15:43,843 --> 01:15:46,933
Fred: [Distorted]
Good luuuck.
1554
01:15:46,933 --> 01:15:48,631
[Laughs]
1555
01:15:48,631 --> 01:15:50,371
And now without further ado,
1556
01:15:50,371 --> 01:15:53,984
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...
1557
01:15:53,984 --> 01:15:56,377
What are we calling her again?[Normal voice] Beth.
We're calling her Beth.
1558
01:15:56,377 --> 01:15:57,770
That's right. Okay!
1559
01:15:57,770 --> 01:16:01,382
Please welcome Beeeth!
1560
01:16:01,382 --> 01:16:04,647
[Upbeat music plays][Audience cheering]
1561
01:16:04,647 --> 01:16:13,612
♪♪
1562
01:16:13,612 --> 01:16:18,486
[Cheering quiets]
1563
01:16:18,486 --> 01:16:22,186
[Microphone thuds, squeals]
1564
01:16:22,186 --> 01:16:24,884
[As Beth] This...
is an original.
1565
01:16:24,884 --> 01:16:26,233
[Piano plays]
1566
01:16:26,233 --> 01:16:28,801
[Breathes deeply]
1567
01:16:32,065 --> 01:16:35,852
♪ Feel the music,
feel the light ♪
1568
01:16:35,852 --> 01:16:39,551
♪ Hold me close
and squeeze me tight ♪
1569
01:16:39,551 --> 01:16:41,684
♪ Whisper in my ear ♪
1570
01:16:41,684 --> 01:16:44,251
♪ I want to hear you say ♪
1571
01:16:44,251 --> 01:16:50,910
♪ I want to stay all night ♪
1572
01:16:50,910 --> 01:16:54,610
♪ Let this beat take you away ♪[Inaudible speaking]
1573
01:16:54,610 --> 01:16:57,613
♪ Let your mind and body sway ♪
1574
01:16:57,613 --> 01:17:02,269
♪ With mine in time ♪
1575
01:17:02,269 --> 01:17:08,014
♪ Until it's time to die ♪
1576
01:17:08,014 --> 01:17:09,407
[Drums play]
1577
01:17:09,407 --> 01:17:12,932
♪ Yeah, it's time
to take them down ♪
1578
01:17:12,932 --> 01:17:17,284
♪ Lay their bodies
in the ground ♪
1579
01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:20,984
♪ Let's shut 'em up,
then cut 'em up ♪
1580
01:17:20,984 --> 01:17:24,552
♪ And feed them to the worms ♪
1581
01:17:24,552 --> 01:17:28,252
♪ Kill the children
and their mothers ♪
1582
01:17:28,252 --> 01:17:31,995
♪ Kill your sisters
and your brothers ♪
1583
01:17:31,995 --> 01:17:35,781
♪ And then let's kill
ourselves ♪
1584
01:17:35,781 --> 01:17:37,653
♪ That's the good word ♪
1585
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:40,481
♪ Of the King of Hell ♪
1586
01:17:40,481 --> 01:17:50,013
[Deep voice chanting "Hell"]
1587
01:17:50,013 --> 01:17:51,754
[Disco music playing][Indistinct singing]
1588
01:17:51,754 --> 01:17:53,190
♪ Ooh ♪
1589
01:17:53,190 --> 01:17:55,583
[Indistinct singing]
1590
01:17:55,583 --> 01:17:58,499
♪ Get ready ♪
1591
01:17:58,499 --> 01:18:00,197
♪ Yeah ♪[Indistinct singing]
1592
01:18:00,197 --> 01:18:03,940
♪ Get ready ♪[Indistinct singing]
1593
01:18:03,940 --> 01:18:07,073
♪ Kill all
the fucking children, yeah ♪
1594
01:18:07,073 --> 01:18:08,422
[Indistinct singing]
1595
01:18:08,422 --> 01:18:10,163
♪ Come on ♪
1596
01:18:10,163 --> 01:18:12,339
[Gun clocks, fires][Indistinct singing]
1597
01:18:12,339 --> 01:18:15,560
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
1598
01:18:15,560 --> 01:18:17,388
[Vomiting][Vomit splattering]
1599
01:18:17,388 --> 01:18:21,522
[Audience screaming]
1600
01:18:21,522 --> 01:18:28,442
[Vomiting and screaming
continue]
1601
01:18:28,442 --> 01:18:32,446
[Quietly] And then...
1602
01:18:32,446 --> 01:18:33,883
[louder] a moment of respite.
1603
01:18:33,883 --> 01:18:36,668
[Audience gasping]Man: Oh, my God.
1604
01:18:36,668 --> 01:18:39,236
[Indistinct chatter]
1605
01:18:39,236 --> 01:18:41,673
Fanny:
The audience just stares at her
1606
01:18:41,673 --> 01:18:45,721
slack-jawed in shock and awe.
1607
01:18:45,721 --> 01:18:48,898
Everybody's covered in vomit.
1608
01:18:48,898 --> 01:18:51,639
Even Beth's shitty boyfriend
is just covered
1609
01:18:51,639 --> 01:18:57,558
in disgusting,
vile, sour devil vomit.
1610
01:18:57,558 --> 01:19:01,301
[Distorted] But then the devil
speaks to hear.
1611
01:19:01,301 --> 01:19:04,435
I hope you're having fun,
but now the real show begins.
1612
01:19:04,435 --> 01:19:06,263
[Both shouting]
1613
01:19:06,263 --> 01:19:08,918
Then the devil rips through
her chest with his devil arm.
1614
01:19:08,918 --> 01:19:10,789
It's fucking sick
like "Alien,"
1615
01:19:10,789 --> 01:19:13,270
but it's a Satan arm,
and it starts thrashing, man.
1616
01:19:13,270 --> 01:19:15,228
It's thrashing
so fucking hard.
1617
01:19:15,228 --> 01:19:18,928
It's sick.[Everyone screaming]
1618
01:19:18,928 --> 01:19:20,538
I was kind of thinking
that he gives, like,
1619
01:19:20,538 --> 01:19:22,583
a really important monologue
to the nation
1620
01:19:22,583 --> 01:19:25,717
all about how, like, our
culture's toxic and, you know,
1621
01:19:25,717 --> 01:19:27,937
we take advantage
of young talent.
1622
01:19:27,937 --> 01:19:30,548
Or. Or, or, or,
he could send his evil
1623
01:19:30,548 --> 01:19:33,290
through TVs across America
and possess the country.
1624
01:19:33,290 --> 01:19:35,422
That's been done before.They did that
in "Batman Forever."
1625
01:19:35,422 --> 01:19:38,730
Mmm, yeah, but that wasn't
the devil, though.
1626
01:19:38,730 --> 01:19:40,688
[Clock ticking]Oh, crap.
1627
01:19:40,688 --> 01:19:42,734
I gotta go.
Damn it.
1628
01:19:42,734 --> 01:19:44,562
Nooo!
1629
01:19:44,562 --> 01:19:46,782
I know.
Carlooo!
1630
01:19:46,782 --> 01:19:50,611
Ah.
Pizza Man of the Year,
Carlo!
1631
01:19:50,611 --> 01:19:52,004
I-I-I don't want to leave,
Fanny,
1632
01:19:52,004 --> 01:19:54,702
but I have this Hawaiian
I should've had
1633
01:19:54,702 --> 01:19:56,966
in Wamba Jukes Falls
like two hours ago.
1634
01:19:56,966 --> 01:19:59,316
They're gonna be pissed.
1635
01:19:59,316 --> 01:20:03,668
Anyway,
guys have a great night.
1636
01:20:03,668 --> 01:20:05,713
-Jim Carey's Riddler.
-We miss you, Scarecrow.
1637
01:20:05,713 --> 01:20:07,759
Ahh...
It's the same.
1638
01:20:07,759 --> 01:20:10,762
Wasn't the devil.Yeah, but it was
the same concept, same idea.
1639
01:20:10,762 --> 01:20:13,634
-'Kay.
-[Sighs]
1640
01:20:13,634 --> 01:20:15,332
You know, it's like --
1641
01:20:15,332 --> 01:20:17,682
It's like one of those nights,
you know,
1642
01:20:17,682 --> 01:20:21,468
where you leave to deliver
a pizza to a couple of strangers
1643
01:20:21,468 --> 01:20:25,516
who end up being your friends
and tell ghost stories
1644
01:20:25,516 --> 01:20:27,953
and do blow.
1645
01:20:27,953 --> 01:20:29,955
One's your favorite author,
1646
01:20:29,955 --> 01:20:32,958
and the other one is a Fred.
1647
01:20:32,958 --> 01:20:34,568
[Chuckles]
1648
01:20:38,007 --> 01:20:39,617
Hey, Fanny.
Nope, not going to do that.
1649
01:20:39,617 --> 01:20:40,923
Yes, I am going to do that
right now.
1650
01:20:40,923 --> 01:20:43,055
Can I have your autograph,
please?
1651
01:20:43,055 --> 01:20:46,885
Face or paper?
1652
01:20:46,885 --> 01:20:49,366
Okay, uh, if you could
just write, like,
1653
01:20:49,366 --> 01:20:51,672
"Hey, Carlo, my best friend!
We did coke together
1654
01:20:51,672 --> 01:20:53,413
and ate pizza,
told ghost stories."
1655
01:20:53,413 --> 01:20:55,633
[Chuckles] Or whatever.
I'm not a writer.
1656
01:20:55,633 --> 01:20:59,332
Don't put yourself down.
It's exactly what I wrote.
1657
01:20:59,332 --> 01:21:02,379
Thanks, Fanny.
1658
01:21:02,379 --> 01:21:03,946
Aww.
1659
01:21:03,946 --> 01:21:06,035
Okay.
Okay.
1660
01:21:06,035 --> 01:21:08,385
Hey, it was fun.
1661
01:21:08,385 --> 01:21:09,995
Bye, Fred!
1662
01:21:09,995 --> 01:21:11,867
[Sighs]
1663
01:21:14,782 --> 01:21:16,132
Where are you going?
1664
01:21:16,132 --> 01:21:18,656
Oh, I'm gonna
fill the bucket.
1665
01:21:18,656 --> 01:21:22,225
Must take a much-needed
cocaine defecache.[Car recedes]
1666
01:21:22,225 --> 01:21:25,532
You know, plumbing's all fucked
'cause of the storm.
1667
01:21:25,532 --> 01:21:29,580
[Pail squeaking]
1668
01:21:32,235 --> 01:21:35,499
[Ominous music plays]
1669
01:21:35,499 --> 01:22:03,744
♪♪
1670
01:22:03,744 --> 01:22:12,623
[Toilet flushes]
1671
01:22:12,623 --> 01:22:14,625
[Door opens]
1672
01:22:14,625 --> 01:22:19,369
[Door creaking]
1673
01:22:19,369 --> 01:22:24,287
Don't go in there, huh?
1674
01:22:24,287 --> 01:22:26,419
[Sighs] Alright, I'm tired.
1675
01:22:26,419 --> 01:22:27,986
I'm gonna head out.
1676
01:22:30,075 --> 01:22:31,598
Aw...
1677
01:22:31,598 --> 01:22:35,515
Why the long face?
'Cause it's over?
1678
01:22:35,515 --> 01:22:37,909
I just --
I feel like I had fun
1679
01:22:37,909 --> 01:22:42,609
for the first time in like
a really long time.
1680
01:22:42,609 --> 01:22:44,394
So.
Aw...
1681
01:22:44,394 --> 01:22:48,398
I just...[inhales deeply]
I needed that.
1682
01:22:48,398 --> 01:22:51,009
[Voice breaking]
That's all.
So sweet.
1683
01:22:51,009 --> 01:22:53,098
Well, let's do coffee tomorrow
before you go wherever,
1684
01:22:53,098 --> 01:22:54,665
you know, you're gonna go.[Chuckles]
1685
01:22:56,536 --> 01:22:58,930
[Sighs]
1686
01:22:58,930 --> 01:23:02,412
Hey, wait.
1687
01:23:02,412 --> 01:23:04,805
I got one more.
1688
01:23:04,805 --> 01:23:07,591
Story? Oh, God.
1689
01:23:07,591 --> 01:23:09,332
Oh, God.
It's 4:00 in the morning,
1690
01:23:09,332 --> 01:23:11,160
I smell like cheese
and campfire,
1691
01:23:11,160 --> 01:23:15,120
and you are
definitely...not drunk.
1692
01:23:15,120 --> 01:23:16,687
Mnh-mnh.
1693
01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:19,211
Okay.
Gimme the log line.
1694
01:23:19,211 --> 01:23:21,692
[Clears throat]
1695
01:23:21,692 --> 01:23:23,737
It's a psychological
thriller.
1696
01:23:23,737 --> 01:23:27,089
Always engaging.
[Chuckles]
1697
01:23:27,089 --> 01:23:30,179
About...a killer...
1698
01:23:30,179 --> 01:23:32,833
We haven't done one about,
like, a straight-up...
1699
01:23:32,833 --> 01:23:36,011
[imitates slashing]
slasher yet.
1700
01:23:36,011 --> 01:23:39,231
...and the woman who got
under his skin.
1701
01:23:39,231 --> 01:23:42,495
Ohh...
It's very Lifetime movie.
1702
01:23:42,495 --> 01:23:44,236
[Inhales deeply]
1703
01:23:44,236 --> 01:23:46,978
Yes, okay. Hit me.
1704
01:23:46,978 --> 01:23:48,501
Okay.
Little setup for you.
1705
01:23:48,501 --> 01:23:49,850
So she...
1706
01:23:49,850 --> 01:23:53,202
She's this, like,
hard-worker type.
1707
01:23:53,202 --> 01:23:54,638
She could do no wrong,
1708
01:23:54,638 --> 01:23:56,770
no matter how much
she fucked up.
1709
01:23:56,770 --> 01:23:59,121
She's one of those
lucky freaks
1710
01:23:59,121 --> 01:24:02,428
that just has it easy,
you know?
1711
01:24:02,428 --> 01:24:05,910
She does what she wants,
and it p--
1712
01:24:05,910 --> 01:24:09,696
it pisses --
pisses him off.
1713
01:24:09,696 --> 01:24:12,308
Yeah, so it's sort of like
classic story
1714
01:24:12,308 --> 01:24:16,703
of emasculated boy
by a strong female.
1715
01:24:16,703 --> 01:24:18,792
Ooh, what's the title?
Is it, uh...
1716
01:24:18,792 --> 01:24:21,056
Is it "My Life:
Story of Women Everywhere?"
1717
01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:23,319
[Both chuckle]
1718
01:24:23,319 --> 01:24:25,364
Yeah.
1719
01:24:25,364 --> 01:24:27,671
The guy,
he's not doing so hot.
1720
01:24:27,671 --> 01:24:29,281
You know, his personal life
is not so great.
1721
01:24:29,281 --> 01:24:31,283
He -- He tries.
He's li--
1722
01:24:31,283 --> 01:24:32,589
He's the -- the type --
type of guy
1723
01:24:32,589 --> 01:24:34,373
who, like, really tries,
1724
01:24:34,373 --> 01:24:37,202
but he just doesn't
have the...
Talent?
1725
01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:38,769
I mean,
you try writing for a bunch
1726
01:24:38,769 --> 01:24:40,205
of chicken wing chains
and paint shops
1727
01:24:40,205 --> 01:24:41,772
and you just want
to fucking kill everybody,
1728
01:24:41,772 --> 01:24:45,210
but you can't
'cause it's illegal.
1729
01:24:45,210 --> 01:24:47,212
That's part of the story?
1730
01:24:47,212 --> 01:24:48,779
Obvs.
1731
01:24:48,779 --> 01:24:54,480
By a total chance,
he meets this a-woman.
1732
01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:58,528
Mmm.This powerful amazing woman
who's had it easy.
1733
01:24:58,528 --> 01:25:00,617
He meets this woman
who's a-a powerful woman.
1734
01:25:00,617 --> 01:25:03,359
She's a powerfulwoman,
and they actually hit it off.
1735
01:25:03,359 --> 01:25:04,925
And he meets her
and she meets him,
1736
01:25:04,925 --> 01:25:06,275
and he's actually like,
"Wow, this girl
1737
01:25:06,275 --> 01:25:10,496
makes me feel really...
good!
1738
01:25:10,496 --> 01:25:14,283
Having so much fun,
he, like, legitimately forgets
1739
01:25:14,283 --> 01:25:17,112
that he's...
1740
01:25:17,112 --> 01:25:18,765
bad.
1741
01:25:21,594 --> 01:25:24,771
He forgets...
1742
01:25:24,771 --> 01:25:27,209
He forgets he's got
a fucked-up life.
1743
01:25:27,209 --> 01:25:29,428
He forgets he cheated
on his wife.
1744
01:25:29,428 --> 01:25:33,780
He forgets he lost his temper
one or two or three many times.
1745
01:25:33,780 --> 01:25:37,044
He forgets about all the mean
letters that he wrote her.
1746
01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:42,093
Yeah, Fred.
You're losing me here.
1747
01:25:42,093 --> 01:25:44,617
I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it.
1748
01:25:44,617 --> 01:25:47,664
You're a better storyteller
than me.
1749
01:25:47,664 --> 01:25:49,535
You're better!
You're better than me!
1750
01:25:49,535 --> 01:25:50,797
I get it!
1751
01:25:50,797 --> 01:25:52,625
You're better than me!
1752
01:25:52,625 --> 01:25:54,279
So I'm just gonna skip
to the good part.
1753
01:25:54,279 --> 01:25:56,760
I'll get to the end.
I'll get to the end.
1754
01:25:56,760 --> 01:25:59,632
They decide
to stay up all night
1755
01:25:59,632 --> 01:26:03,114
and tell each other
scary stories.
1756
01:26:03,114 --> 01:26:06,726
It was her crazy idea,
and he was super into it
1757
01:26:06,726 --> 01:26:11,644
because he fucking loves
scary stories.
1758
01:26:11,644 --> 01:26:14,343
And it's fun,
and as the night goes on,
1759
01:26:14,343 --> 01:26:18,912
the fun just starts
to kind of...die.
1760
01:26:18,912 --> 01:26:21,001
You know?
1761
01:26:21,001 --> 01:26:24,875
That initial feeling
of being included,
1762
01:26:24,875 --> 01:26:27,660
it just sorta starts
to fall away,
1763
01:26:27,660 --> 01:26:33,536
and he starts to kind of feel
like a windup monkey,
1764
01:26:33,536 --> 01:26:38,236
there to just make this chick
feel better about herself.
1765
01:26:40,891 --> 01:26:44,329
Where at first he was
really inspired by her,
1766
01:26:44,329 --> 01:26:48,594
by the end of the night,
he couldn't help but feel...
1767
01:26:48,594 --> 01:26:49,943
used.
1768
01:26:49,943 --> 01:26:51,945
[Sighs]
1769
01:26:54,296 --> 01:26:57,386
Fred.
1770
01:26:57,386 --> 01:26:59,170
What are you doing
with that poker?
1771
01:27:02,826 --> 01:27:04,480
Huh.
1772
01:27:04,480 --> 01:27:07,178
This guy's just, like --
who's struggling.
1773
01:27:07,178 --> 01:27:08,658
You know,
he's honestly struggling.
1774
01:27:08,658 --> 01:27:10,399
He's spending every ounce
of his savings,
1775
01:27:10,399 --> 01:27:16,840
just trying to take one shot
at his...dream.
1776
01:27:16,840 --> 01:27:20,409
And she just gets to
live hers.
1777
01:27:22,585 --> 01:27:25,196
Okay, I get it.
You read my notebook.
1778
01:27:25,196 --> 01:27:27,067
[Scoffs]
1779
01:27:27,067 --> 01:27:29,026
Your -- Your notebook?
This notebook?
1780
01:27:29,026 --> 01:27:32,638
Look, it's private shit, okay.
And I get that you're trying
1781
01:27:32,638 --> 01:27:34,466
to scare me
with this poker bullshit,
1782
01:27:34,466 --> 01:27:37,034
but it's not working, okay.
It's just pissing me off.
1783
01:27:37,034 --> 01:27:41,604
[Sighs] This is the part
in the story where...
1784
01:27:41,604 --> 01:27:44,389
the creepy
strings kick in.
1785
01:27:44,389 --> 01:27:45,956
[Chuckles]
1786
01:27:45,956 --> 01:27:48,741
Can you hear 'em?
1787
01:27:48,741 --> 01:27:57,924
[Imitates
string instruments]
1788
01:27:57,924 --> 01:27:59,622
No, Fred, I can't hear 'em
because we're done.
1789
01:27:59,622 --> 01:28:02,102
We're done telling stories.
Alright?
1790
01:28:02,102 --> 01:28:03,669
Now give me my fucking
notebook back.
1791
01:28:03,669 --> 01:28:06,281
10 pages of which
are all about...
1792
01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:09,588
wannabe-writer Fred.
1793
01:28:09,588 --> 01:28:13,157
Fragile Fred.
Fragile Freddy.
1794
01:28:13,157 --> 01:28:14,811
When did you write
all this shit?
1795
01:28:14,811 --> 01:28:16,465
When you were sitting across
from me eating pizza
1796
01:28:16,465 --> 01:28:18,467
with your next best friend?Well, I don't know, Fred.
1797
01:28:18,467 --> 01:28:21,208
If I knew dairy would turn you
into a fucking psychopath,
1798
01:28:21,208 --> 01:28:22,601
I wouldn't have ordered
a pizza.
1799
01:28:22,601 --> 01:28:23,994
I paid for it, didn't I?
1800
01:28:23,994 --> 01:28:26,953
[Scoffs]
1801
01:28:26,953 --> 01:28:28,694
You've been taking notes
all night, Fanny.
1802
01:28:28,694 --> 01:28:30,609
Why?
Why?
1803
01:28:30,609 --> 01:28:33,046
Because I'm a writer, dude.
1804
01:28:33,046 --> 01:28:36,136
Because we make observations
about the world around us
1805
01:28:36,136 --> 01:28:38,313
and make note of it.
That's what writers do.
1806
01:28:38,313 --> 01:28:40,532
I'm doing the fucking work.
What are you doing?
1807
01:28:40,532 --> 01:28:42,969
You rented this cabin
to do what?
1808
01:28:42,969 --> 01:28:45,885
Pretend to do your
werewolf epic?
1809
01:28:45,885 --> 01:28:47,234
Come on, dude.
You want my life.
1810
01:28:47,234 --> 01:28:49,280
Fucking just do the work.
Do the work.
1811
01:28:49,280 --> 01:28:51,978
Do the work.Yeah, do the work.
1812
01:28:51,978 --> 01:28:54,329
Steal from a nobody.
1813
01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:56,287
Oh, spare me.
1814
01:28:56,287 --> 01:28:58,855
You think people haven't
stolen my ideas?
1815
01:28:58,855 --> 01:29:01,379
I'm a horror writer,
and I'm a lady.
1816
01:29:01,379 --> 01:29:03,642
Everybody fucking steals
from me.
1817
01:29:03,642 --> 01:29:05,862
You know how I deal
with it?
1818
01:29:05,862 --> 01:29:07,820
I do it better than them.
1819
01:29:07,820 --> 01:29:09,518
Just when you think you can let
your guard down,
1820
01:29:09,518 --> 01:29:12,042
some conceited little girl
1821
01:29:12,042 --> 01:29:14,566
decides she can use you
for inspiration.
1822
01:29:14,566 --> 01:29:18,440
[Sighs]
1823
01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:21,834
Little girl. [Scoffs]
1824
01:29:21,834 --> 01:29:25,447
You know, I think
I finally figured you out.
1825
01:29:25,447 --> 01:29:29,102
You're not some sad,
emasculated failure.
1826
01:29:29,102 --> 01:29:32,279
No, that's too interesting.
You...
1827
01:29:32,279 --> 01:29:34,543
You are just a man
1828
01:29:34,543 --> 01:29:38,198
who thinks he's good.
1829
01:29:38,198 --> 01:29:40,984
But he knows that
he'll never be great.
1830
01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:51,037
[Hushed] This is insane.
1831
01:29:51,037 --> 01:29:52,865
This is an insane
conversation.
1832
01:29:52,865 --> 01:29:54,780
[Chuckles]
1833
01:29:54,780 --> 01:29:57,392
It's insane you're taking things
so fucking personally,
1834
01:29:57,392 --> 01:29:59,089
and it's really
fucking insane
1835
01:29:59,089 --> 01:30:01,047
that you're holding that poker
and trying to scare me
1836
01:30:01,047 --> 01:30:05,051
'cause you're not fucking
scaring me, okay, dude?!
1837
01:30:05,051 --> 01:30:07,489
So give me
my fucking notebook
1838
01:30:07,489 --> 01:30:09,708
or I will fucking kill you!
1839
01:30:12,624 --> 01:30:14,017
Okay.
1840
01:30:16,236 --> 01:30:19,675
[Quietly] Okay.
1841
01:30:19,675 --> 01:30:21,459
Here you go.
1842
01:30:21,459 --> 01:30:23,156
Sorry.
1843
01:30:23,156 --> 01:30:24,767
Wait.
1844
01:30:24,767 --> 01:30:26,333
Why make it that easy.
1845
01:30:26,333 --> 01:30:28,205
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
1846
01:30:28,205 --> 01:30:32,905
How about...I chase you.
1847
01:30:32,905 --> 01:30:36,735
We can pretend we're in
one of our stories.
1848
01:30:36,735 --> 01:30:39,608
I can't find you,
1849
01:30:39,608 --> 01:30:43,568
mm, give you
your notebook back.
1850
01:30:43,568 --> 01:30:45,614
But if I dofind you...
1851
01:30:51,402 --> 01:30:53,622
Come on, Fred.
Just, um...
1852
01:30:53,622 --> 01:30:56,538
[Sighs] Would you please
give me my notebook back.
1853
01:30:56,538 --> 01:30:58,148
Please?
1854
01:31:00,933 --> 01:31:02,413
[Quietly] Okay, yeah.
1855
01:31:02,413 --> 01:31:04,067
Sorry.
1856
01:31:06,591 --> 01:31:08,637
Psych!
1857
01:31:08,637 --> 01:31:10,508
[Chuckles]
1858
01:31:10,508 --> 01:31:12,684
[Imitates plane engine]
1859
01:31:12,684 --> 01:31:14,599
[Laughs]
1860
01:31:14,599 --> 01:31:18,473
Oh, come on, Fanny.
Why the long face?
1861
01:31:18,473 --> 01:31:21,606
All night you wanted me
to scare you and now you're...
1862
01:31:21,606 --> 01:31:24,087
I'm not gonna hurt you.[Scoffs]
1863
01:31:24,087 --> 01:31:30,572
[Birds twittering]
1864
01:31:30,572 --> 01:31:33,270
Run! Run! Run!
1865
01:31:35,098 --> 01:31:37,796
Fanny, wa--
[Grunting]
1866
01:31:37,796 --> 01:31:43,019
[Groaning]
1867
01:31:43,019 --> 01:31:44,977
[Straining] Man down.
1868
01:31:48,894 --> 01:31:51,941
[Loud footfalls, wood creaking]
1869
01:31:51,941 --> 01:31:56,162
Fanny...
1870
01:31:56,162 --> 01:31:58,687
[Stomps]
1871
01:31:58,687 --> 01:32:05,650
[Quietly] Thump, thump, thump.
1872
01:32:05,650 --> 01:32:08,305
Thump.
1873
01:32:08,305 --> 01:32:10,568
[Louder] Thump.
1874
01:32:10,568 --> 01:32:14,659
Thump, thump.
1875
01:32:14,659 --> 01:32:19,229
[Chuckles]
1876
01:32:19,229 --> 01:32:21,013
Creepy footsteps, right?
1877
01:32:27,890 --> 01:32:29,544
Right?
1878
01:32:33,199 --> 01:32:34,853
Fanny?
1879
01:32:34,853 --> 01:32:39,728
[Shoes creaking]
1880
01:32:42,165 --> 01:32:49,825
[Footsteps continue]
1881
01:32:52,392 --> 01:32:54,569
[Sighs]
1882
01:32:54,569 --> 01:32:58,529
[Shoes creaking]
1883
01:33:04,404 --> 01:33:06,537
This might be
the creepiest story yet.
1884
01:33:08,626 --> 01:33:10,193
And I thought of it.
1885
01:33:10,193 --> 01:33:18,114
[Wind whistling]
1886
01:33:18,114 --> 01:33:19,724
Okay.
1887
01:33:23,293 --> 01:33:24,903
I guess you win.
1888
01:33:27,297 --> 01:33:30,953
[Chuckles]
1889
01:33:30,953 --> 01:33:38,003
[Footsteps receding]
1890
01:33:38,003 --> 01:33:41,616
[Stairs creaking]
1891
01:34:27,749 --> 01:34:30,621
[Gasps]
1892
01:34:30,621 --> 01:34:32,014
Hey.
1893
01:34:32,014 --> 01:34:34,625
[Ominous music plays]
1894
01:34:34,625 --> 01:34:38,063
Fanny! Fanny!
1895
01:34:38,063 --> 01:34:41,110
[Both shouting][Bodies falling]
1896
01:34:41,110 --> 01:34:43,199
W--
[Groans]
1897
01:34:43,199 --> 01:34:46,550
[Breathing shakily][Groaning]
1898
01:34:46,550 --> 01:34:54,166
[Groaning continues][Breathing shakily]
1899
01:34:54,166 --> 01:34:58,475
[Coughs]
1900
01:34:58,475 --> 01:35:06,309
[Panting]
1901
01:35:06,309 --> 01:35:12,576
[Breathing heavily]
1902
01:35:12,576 --> 01:35:14,621
[Quietly] Fuck, Fred...
1903
01:35:17,276 --> 01:35:22,325
[Weak groaning]
1904
01:35:22,325 --> 01:35:24,675
[Breathes heavily]
1905
01:35:32,770 --> 01:35:36,513
[Scoffs]
Look what you did.
1906
01:35:36,513 --> 01:35:39,995
[Crying] Fuck, Fred.
You fragile fuck.
1907
01:35:39,995 --> 01:35:42,040
You fucking psychopath.
1908
01:35:42,040 --> 01:35:45,261
I was only kidding.
1909
01:35:45,261 --> 01:35:48,133
[Indistinct]
1910
01:35:48,133 --> 01:35:49,874
I'm so sorry.
1911
01:35:54,879 --> 01:35:56,533
Hey, Fanny.
I...
1912
01:35:56,533 --> 01:36:00,363
[Exhales sharply]
Can you do me a favor?
1913
01:36:00,363 --> 01:36:04,062
What? [Sniffles]
1914
01:36:04,062 --> 01:36:05,760
I want you
to finish me off.
1915
01:36:07,892 --> 01:36:09,502
Yeah.
1916
01:36:13,811 --> 01:36:20,383
Please.
1917
01:36:20,383 --> 01:36:24,996
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
1918
01:36:34,005 --> 01:36:35,572
Oh, that's good.
That's a log.
1919
01:36:35,572 --> 01:36:36,921
That's good.
1920
01:36:36,921 --> 01:36:39,315
Oh, that's good idea.
1921
01:36:39,315 --> 01:36:42,971
[Groaning]
1922
01:36:46,801 --> 01:36:48,803
Cue the creepy strings,
right?
1923
01:36:51,980 --> 01:36:53,372
Yeah.
1924
01:36:53,372 --> 01:36:55,244
Creepy strings.
1925
01:36:55,244 --> 01:36:56,767
It adds comforting.
1926
01:36:56,767 --> 01:36:59,422
[Crying chuckles]
1927
01:37:01,816 --> 01:37:05,645
[Crying]
1928
01:37:05,645 --> 01:37:13,001
[Imitates strings playing]
1929
01:37:13,001 --> 01:37:18,180
[Both holding note]
1930
01:37:18,180 --> 01:37:20,356
[Stops]
1931
01:37:20,356 --> 01:37:24,099
[Continues]
1932
01:37:24,099 --> 01:37:26,275
[Door opens]Hey.
1933
01:37:26,275 --> 01:37:27,580
[Door closes]
1934
01:37:30,540 --> 01:37:32,150
Haha, you win.
1935
01:37:32,150 --> 01:37:37,721
♪♪
1936
01:37:37,721 --> 01:37:40,550
[Hushed] You win.
1937
01:37:40,550 --> 01:37:43,596
[Strained] The end.
1938
01:37:43,596 --> 01:37:53,606
[Birds calling][Clock ticking]
1939
01:38:03,051 --> 01:38:09,579
[Calling and ticking continue]
1940
01:38:09,579 --> 01:38:11,189
[Muffled] Mr. Banks?
1941
01:38:18,631 --> 01:38:25,987
[Ticking continues]
1942
01:38:25,987 --> 01:38:28,990
Mr. Banks?
1943
01:38:28,990 --> 01:38:31,383
It's Bettina, your driver.
1944
01:38:35,953 --> 01:38:38,042
[Singsong voice] Mr. Banks.
1945
01:38:45,571 --> 01:38:47,486
M-Mr. Banks?
1946
01:38:58,889 --> 01:39:01,239
Well, someone had
a good time in here.
1947
01:39:26,525 --> 01:39:29,311
[Garbled] Mr. Banks?
1948
01:39:29,311 --> 01:39:31,835
I took some pizza.
1949
01:40:07,305 --> 01:40:08,524
Huh.
1950
01:40:08,524 --> 01:40:13,964
♪♪
1951
01:40:13,964 --> 01:40:17,533
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
1952
01:40:17,533 --> 01:40:20,449
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
1953
01:40:20,449 --> 01:40:23,669
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
1954
01:40:23,669 --> 01:40:26,237
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
1955
01:40:26,237 --> 01:40:29,632
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪
1956
01:40:29,632 --> 01:40:33,331
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪
1957
01:40:33,331 --> 01:41:03,057
♪♪
1958
01:41:03,057 --> 01:41:08,149
[Passing car]
1959
01:41:08,149 --> 01:41:27,516
♪♪
1960
01:41:27,516 --> 01:41:31,128
♪ I couldn't even digest
me supper ♪
1961
01:41:31,128 --> 01:41:33,783
♪ Due to the children's
behavior ♪
1962
01:41:33,783 --> 01:41:35,219
♪ John [Yes, pa] ♪
1963
01:41:35,219 --> 01:41:37,308
♪ Come here a moment ♪
1964
01:41:37,308 --> 01:41:40,572
♪ Bring de belt,
you're much too impudent ♪
1965
01:41:40,572 --> 01:41:43,749
♪ John says it's James
who started first ♪
1966
01:41:43,749 --> 01:41:46,970
♪ James tells the story
in reverse ♪
1967
01:41:46,970 --> 01:41:50,147
♪ I drag my belt
from off me waist ♪
1968
01:41:50,147 --> 01:41:53,324
♪ You should hear them
screamin' 'round de place ♪
1969
01:41:53,324 --> 01:41:56,936
♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪
1970
01:41:56,936 --> 01:42:00,157
♪ Their mother tell them
"Shut up your mout'! ♪
1971
01:42:00,157 --> 01:42:03,813
♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪
1972
01:42:03,813 --> 01:42:06,598
♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪
1973
01:42:06,598 --> 01:42:09,384
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪
1974
01:42:09,384 --> 01:42:12,909
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪
1975
01:42:12,909 --> 01:42:15,738
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪
1976
01:42:15,738 --> 01:42:19,133
♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪
1977
01:42:19,133 --> 01:42:44,810
♪♪
1978
01:42:44,810 --> 01:42:47,944
♪ I got carried away.[Audience laughs] ♪
1979
01:42:47,944 --> 01:42:51,208
♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪
1980
01:42:51,208 --> 01:42:54,429
♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪
1981
01:42:54,429 --> 01:42:57,562
♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪
1982
01:42:57,562 --> 01:43:00,913
♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪
1983
01:43:00,913 --> 01:43:04,178
♪ They're playing with you,
my wife declared ♪
1984
01:43:04,178 --> 01:43:07,398
♪ You should be proud of them,
my dear ♪
1985
01:43:07,398 --> 01:43:10,532
♪ Them children were taught
too bloomin' slack ♪
1986
01:43:10,532 --> 01:43:13,752
♪ That ain't no kinda joke
to crack ♪
1987
01:43:13,752 --> 01:43:17,321
♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪
1988
01:43:17,321 --> 01:43:20,542
♪ Their mother tell them,
"Shut up your mout' ♪
1989
01:43:20,542 --> 01:43:24,241
♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪
1990
01:43:24,241 --> 01:43:26,896
♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪
1991
01:43:26,896 --> 01:43:29,725
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪
1992
01:43:29,725 --> 01:43:33,381
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪
1993
01:43:33,381 --> 01:43:36,340
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪
1994
01:43:36,340 --> 01:43:39,822
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey [uh] ♪
1995
01:43:39,822 --> 01:43:42,825
♪ [Laughing]
Shut your mout', go away ♪
1996
01:43:42,825 --> 01:43:46,220
♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪
1997
01:43:46,220 --> 01:43:48,309
♪ Shut your mout'! ♪