Downloaded from YTS.MX
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
- [Voicemail] Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
[upbeat music]
- Yo!
I know it's early, I'm just trying to score some chenko,
you know what I'm saying?
- Amanda Chongus has a special report
on a new popular drug sweeping hot tubs everywhere, chenko.
- [Jordan] Yo, I'll be getting 20 bucks in a few,
and I'm just trying to spend that shit.
- [Voicemail] Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
- This type of service is completely unacceptable, yo.
Fuck you and your fucking shitty chenko,
I'll take my business elsewhere.
- [Announcer] Made from a scorpion's depleted exoskeleton,
known on the street as chenko.
Once the BCP is ingested, it enters the bloodstream,
it interacts with the white blood cells in the user's brain,
getting them really, really, really high.
[woman moaning]
- Shit, man.
- [Woman] Why don't you turn it on silent?
- Man, leave the fuck alone.
- [Woman] I'm saying.
[cops chattering]
- What the fuck?
Shit, fuck, fuck!
- This motherfucker better pick up now.
- [Voicemail] Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
- [Jordan] Man, fuck you Soliver.
Answer!
- [Announcer] Lawmakers declare Chenko illegal today
by a vote of 113 to two.
Police have instituted a new cultural awareness program
to help them better understand community needs.
[cops yelling]
- [Voicemail] Your call has been forward
to an automatic voice message system.
- Don't you fucking move asshole!
- Look man, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean all that shit I just said,
man, please let me buy some chenko off you, please,
I'll seriously drink your piss right now!
- Local officials are gearing up to make a big push
against what they're calling the culture of chenko,
which, thanks to rappers like FaceFuka,
is now permeating youth culture.
[people yelling]
[upbeat music]
- [Cop] You going to black jail, not white jail!
♪ Shithead
- [Voicemail] Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message system.
- Should be smoking some chenko right now, man.
Shit man,
I'm literally on my knees begging you right now.
And you can't give me his fucking number?
- [Man] Man, fuck you, Jordan!
- Come on, my guy's not picking up,
I don't know nobody else.
- [Man] Nah man, I can't give shit out like that.
I don't smoke chenko anymore.
- Fine, fuck you then, whatever.
- [Man] Fuck you, Jordan!
- Fuck, I'm almost out.
♪ Fuck it, smoke that shit!
[electronic music]
- Where the hell were you?
What, did you take a nap?
I went out there and looked for you
and I didn't see no goddamn Statue of Liberty.
- What do you mean, man?
I just stood by the road in this
smelly ass shit for two hours.
- What intersection did you stand by?
- The one you told me to.
- Which one did I tell you?
- I don't know what you said,
I just went around the corner and stood there.
- Jesus, did you at least do the pose?
- What pose?
- The torchlight pose.
- Yeah, I had my arm up in the air like this.
- I wanted the scintillating light of Lady Liberty
glistening down upon the roadside.
Beckoning all of mankind here today
to give their blood to the warriors,
who sacrificed their bodies for people like you.
You know what you did?
You let them down, Jordan.
Oh, you smell like you've been smoking chenko!
You just went out there and got high, didn't you?
- No, I'm not high.
[suspenseful music]
- Did your Pops tell you this yet?
I've seen your kind before,
the only thing that'll straighten you out
is to join the service and have
somebody beat some goddamn sense into you.
- I'm not joining the army.
Shit's for fucking fags
and I don't lick buttholes like you two.
[quirky melodic music]
- Here, take it.
You don't deserve the other five.
- Whatever.
[dramatic electronic music]
[box thuds and rattles]
Shit!
- Fran, what was that noise?
You hear that Fran, that noise?
Come on, come on, we have to check.
Oh, my God, what happened?
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Chenko
♪ C-H-E-N-K-O
♪ Imma kill a bitch for chenko
♪ Stab you in the midriff, skank hoe ♪
♪ Throw you in a big ditch, then go ♪
♪ Back to the bad world with no chenko ♪
♪ Better wake that man his ass
♪ Stick a rock of chenko up my ass ♪
♪ There's all of the rest like your damn friends ♪
♪ For chenko, I will stab your mom ♪
♪ For chenko, I will stab your dog ♪
♪ For chenko, I will stab your cat ♪
♪ For chenko, stab you all like that ♪
♪ Stab a retard, stab your own bro ♪
♪ Fuck a cop in the ass, almost ♪
♪ We'll stab you in the throat for chenko ♪
♪ Stab you all in the throat for chenko ♪
♪ Toss you in a moat, where you dazzle, you don't float ♪
♪ Feed your ass to a crocodile
♪ For chenko, stab you right there now ♪
♪ I am such a stabbing genius
♪ I went back in time and stabbed Jesus ♪
♪ Yo, check it out
♪ Stab you in the stomach, stab you in the penis ♪
♪ Stab you in the face, stab you into pieces ♪
♪ Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab ♪
- You are my guy, yo!
See Face Fuka, StabbyD,
paint your baby's face, get in for free.
That's right, bitches, payloads,
paint your child's face, you get in free,
and don't forget, go on Facebook right now
and enter the fucking Facebook Baby Tattoo contest
for the chance to win a fucking lifetime's supply of chenko!
[laughing]
- Oh, Charlie, hush! - Oh!
Oh! - What?
- Look at you two.
Look how loud you're being.
- [Jordan] Dad, Dad!
- [Santa] I can't give you these presents now.
- Dad, Dad!
Dad, those VFW guys you work with were total assholes.
They wouldn't pay me,
'cause they said they ran out of money.
Do you think I could get like five bucks?
- Hm. - I just need five bucks,
that's it, take your hand off your dick
and give me the money.
[eerie melodic music]
That's two bucks, fucker.
[baby crying]
Yah! [laughing] - Get off me!
- I don't wanna see that shit right now.
- Yeah, you do.
What up with Cody's face paint, yo?
Bitch don't you ever fuck with a man's baby face paint.
- I think that face paint's making him sick.
I mean, look at him, he's all hot and fucked up.
and shit, I think there's something wrong with him.
I mean, look at him, doesn't he look weird to you?
- [Jordan] Man, babies can't get sick,
fucking chill, all right.
- They can't? - No.
- Face paint ain't gonna fuck him up.
FaceFuka never takes his paint off,
'cause it protects you from AIDS.
- Yeah, but as soon as you put that shit on his face,
he started acting like super retarded.
- He probably got pissed off,
'cause you took his FaceFuka paint off, I don't know.
- No, I Doogled it.
I think this could be like really bad.
You gotta take him to the baby-ologist like today.
- Leave me alone, yo!
I can't bankroll his sickness at the moment.
Man, you know how much fucking chenko I gotta smoke tonight?
- Jordan, you gotta take him somewhere while I'm working.
I'm like freaking out!
Okay, if he dies, I don't want it to be my fault,
and I think he might die.
- Man, he'll be good.
Besides, he loves it, look.
♪ Chenko, Chenko
- Baby, see. [baby crying]
You know what I'm saying, babe?
Come on, just show me your titties.
[knocking on door]
Just suck my dick, come on.
- [Janee] Not right now, somebody's at the door.
- Fucking Stephanie.
I'm gonna punch her in the balls.
- If you do that again, I'll rip your fucking face off!
- [Jordan] What the fuck do you want, Stephanie?
- Fuck you, Jordan.
Move out of my fucking way!
- No one wants you here.
Janee just told me two seconds ago not to let you in.
- Shut the fuck up.
Where is she?
- Getting dressed, chill.
- Actually, I wanna talk to you too.
- Fuck off, what?
- My Mom caught my little brother smoking chenko yesterday,
you piece of shit.
I know it was you who sold it to him.
- I don't sell anything.
Why would it be me?
- Exactly, he doesn't know any dealers.
Where else is he gonna get it from?
- Leave me the fuck alone.
I don't even smoke chenko.
- I'm telling you, that paint's gonna give him
hardcore ear problems today.
He's gonna grow up mega retarded like Jordan.
- I don't know, I mean, his ears seemed fine.
- Babies are like little microwaves inside.
They'll just keep heating up until they pop.
- Oh my God, really? - Yeah.
- You gotta buy it for him ASAP
or his appendix is gonna melt.
If you don't get him some today,
he's gonna be fucked. - Yeah, well,
- I asked Jordan for some money to get some.
- Yeah, what'd he say?
- Hm?
[quirky melodic music]
What's up, girl?
- Hey Jordan, send me a picture of your dick,
and I'll show you my asshole.
[muffled shouting]
- You know what, I?
- [Dad] Jordan!
- What, Dad?
- Where's my pills?
I can't find it anywhere, Jordan!
[muffled shouting]
- I don't know, Dad!
I didn't touch your pills!
[muffled shouting]
Alright, I'm coming!
- Get ready, it's Dijo Time!
Aw yeah Buffalo Wings!!
[thudding]
Not in my house!
Not my house, bitch.
You can't dunk on dijo.
He's twelve feet tall!
- [Grandma] Harvey.
Somebody's here for you, Harvey.
- Excuse me, guys, I have to go,
yell at my grandma.
- [Grandma] Harvey, Harvey.
- What, Grandma?
What do you want?
- [Grandma] Who is this here, Harvey?
Who is this here?
- Hold on, everybody.
The rest of my wings are here.
- [Delivery Man] Here you go,
two family-size orders of South Korean style,
extra buffalo, buffalo wings.
[ominous music]
All right?
- [Box] Eat me, Donut.
Buffalo wings are good for you, Donut.
Eat me.
- Please.
[gas rumbles in his stomach]
Don't leave.
- Um, Jordan, uh,
while you're at home watching Cody today,
you know, don't go nowhere, and
please don't make any fuckin' deals at the house.
- Oh my God, you're seriously gonna trust
this fucked up mongreed piece of shit
with a life of another human being
for more than 13 seconds?
- He'll be fine.
- Just make sure you fuckin' feed him.
- Fuck off, fat bitch.
Can't take this out of your cunty voice.
- Are they still letting you skip third period?
- Oh my God.
They never give me a hard time now
when I come in late for class.
Like I'll just tell the receptionist,
I have a hardcore pink taco,
and she'll pretty much write me a pass for whatever.
- Oh, uh, well, do you think you could
stop by the house on your way home,
and just, you know, check up on Jordan?
- It's seriously so sad that you have to ask me that.
If I knew who my kid's dad was and he was around,
I would never let him be this dumb.
- Okay, calm your tits.
Janeé, I fucking love you,
but he makes you stupider,
and you can't trust him not to fuck things up.
- [Janeé] I trust him.
- [Stephanie] Did you tell him about those
hair-cutting classes you want to take?
- [Janeé] Freaking, chill, leave me alone.
I'm gonna tell him about Angela's, duh.
Look, I'm gonna be late.
Please just promise me that you'll check up on him.
- Oh, I'll be here.
I can't even imagine what that fucker's
up to while you're gone.
- Thank you.
[electronic music]
- Oh, Murphy.
- I don't really understand why you understand,
what you meant there in that text.
What the fuck does B-A-F-L mean?
- Bring a fucking lot.
I thought you'd know that one.
- Nope.
- Look, um, I don't know if you're gonna be cool with this,
but fucking, I was like, he'd pissed if I didn't ask, right.
- [Murphy] What?
Dude, you mind turning this down, man?
This is fucking annoying.
- [Jordan] Nah, I lost the remote, dope.
- [Murphy] You mind fucking changing
the channel or something?
This is fucking ridiculous.
- [Jordan] Nah, the channel buttons
on the TV are broke, too.
- [Murphy] So, by a fucking lot,
you mean a full or a half sleeve?
- Give me a full one.
- [TV Announcer] And John says taking it to the corner,
and oh, stolen by Dijo.
Not in my house.
Personally, I think they should just retire this sport,
because there's nobody here that's ever going
to be better at basketball than Dijo, ever.
- Do you ever think Dijo thinks about me?
- [Delivery Man] I don't know,
but I know Dijo thinks about me.
- No way.
I'm like the biggest Dijo fan ever.
- Second biggest.
I'm the biggest Dijo fan ever.
- No, but you don't understand.
I live in a wonderful world.
Dijo.
- Not in my house.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Here you go.
You got the money?
- Um, see, well, that's the thing.
Uh, right now, little low on funds.
- Why'd you tell me to bring all this shit over?
- I got you.
I'll have those really tonight,
but if you can't wait.
I can do something else right now.
Check this out.
I will give you $17.14 in quarters, nickels, and dimes.
Two one-dollar bills,
a pack of gum, Tornado Hackers on DVD,
this filter for a humidifier
that I found in my dad's closet,
some balloons,
and one bottle of Brogenix testosterone supplement,
practically unused.
Yo, that Brogenix alone is worth like
12 payments of $19.95.
So whatever that adds up to, you is getting it.
- [Dad] Jordan, Jordan!
Who you talking to?
- I'm not talking to anyone, Dad.
- Your nose is bleeding.
- What?
[thudding]
[Dad yelling]
- Yo, I thought you were gonna have some cash.
- Nah, man, I'm gonna borrow to get some cash.
Man, you don't want to take that stuff right there.
It's fine.
I'll have your money for you later tonight,
100% guaranteed.
You know, I do a little pushin' on the side myself.
All I got to do is sell a couple seed bags.
Yo, my people front me shit all the time.
Don't worry.
- [Dad] Jordan, Jordan!
Are you talking about me?
- What, Dad?
I'm talking to a fucking friend.
- [Dad] Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!
- I just need to see your dick again.
Come on, Jordan, send me some.
Send me some pictures, please?
Come on, send me some pictures, please?
[Dad and Jordan yelling in background]
- [Murphy] Is that a fucking baby?
[Dad and Jordan yelling]
- [Jordan] Everything's cool, fucking chill.
Y'all, man, you ain't gotta worry
about that motherfucker.
He's always like [mumbles].
It's like, yeah, my dad just took a lot of acid, that's all.
- What, right now?
- No, like 20 years ago.
He was homeless for a while,
then he joined the army.
Then he got really into acid.
It's just how he is.
It's best not to piss him off.
He will literally try to kill you.
- All right, I'm gonna call you at eight o'clock.
I'm taking this shit, but I still want that money.
No excuses.
Fucking loser.
- Great.
- [Dad] Jordan, Jordan!
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ Luxury
♪ Angela
♪ Glamour
♪ Angela
♪ Pretty-fulness
♪ Angela
♪ Learn how to do it with the best of us ♪
♪ With the one, the only, Angela ♪
♪ Angela's Haircut Superstar School ♪
♪ We're only the not untracked way ♪
♪ Style hair
♪ Angela's Haircut Superstar School ♪
♪ If you're here, you're cool
- [Woman] I've explained it to you four times already.
I don't know how much more simple to make this.
Listen, all we need is baby's DOB,
and then I can set up the appointment for you,
but you can't just walk in here.
- I don't, I don't know what the fuck that is.
- Get off the phone, Janeé.
- Fuck, he's back.
[ominous music and growling]
- Janeé, listen.
Maureen's 12:30 doesn't want any Angela products
in her hair.
So look, I put some dish detergent in a bottle.
Just use that, she'll never know the difference, okay?
- Daphne, listen.
I'm so, so, so sorry, but I can't make
the last payment for Angela's Superstar
program. - What?
- Oh, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
- Cody's appendix is gonna melt,
and like, it's super retarded.
Like I called all these baby-ologists,
and they're all like, nah,
we won't take him without stupid fucking money.
- Do you have any idea how this is gonna make Angela feel?
Angela has feelings, Janeé.
- Dude, come on.
Look, that guy's come back again, creepin' on.
[he grunts]
- Eh, he throws me five bucks just to sit there,
and I don't see a thing wrong with it.
Go deal with the clients.
- [Jordan] No, that's the thing.
You got the cash for that, man?
Dude, I gotta make a run.
- Nah, I'll have to get you later with the cash.
- Fuck man.
I haven't even sampled that shit yet.
- It's not that great.
- Yo, well.
I'll let you have it, if you do me a favor.
- What is it?
- Just watch my baby for like five minutes.
- Aw, man, I gotta smoke chenko
and play video games.
I can't help you.
- Fuck your video games then.
Get up out of here, man, vamos.
♪ I fuck you in the face
♪ I fuck your skull
♪ And I get in a fucking
♪ I fuck it in every hole
♪ Every orifice
♪ In your body
♪ Fuck you in the face with my chenko ♪
♪ Stick it in my ass
♪ Some chenko
♪ Come in my nuts now, out my dick ♪
[he sighs]
What's that smell?
[cellphone vibrates]
[baby whimpers]
- Yo, dude.
- Man, where are you?
You said you would be here
an hour ago. - I know, fucking chill.
- Wah-wah-wah-wah, wha-wah-wah.
Get over here, now.
- All right, fucking chill.
I'm leaving right now.
I'll be right there.
- Yeah, sure.
[he sighs]
- Fuck.
If everyone just let me get high for two seconds.
[he sighs]
[baby cries]
I don't have time for this.
I gotta go.
Dad, I need you to watch the baby.
- [Dad] Baby, what baby?
- You never noticed that a baby lives
in your fucking house before?
- Don't fucking curse at me.
[muffled yelling]
- Listen, Dad, just stand there,
and look at the fucking thing.
I'll be back in five minutes.
[muffled yelling]
[baby crying]
[upbeat electronic music]
- God dammit.
[phone rings]
- Brandenburg Dental, this is Raneé speaking.
How can I help you?
- [Janeé] Dude, it's me.
- Janeé, where the fuck are you right now?
Mom is so fucking pissed.
I know that you killed that baby, didn't you?
- No, shut up.
I know what I'm doing.
I told you I'm not gonna kill him.
Dude, this was a bad idea.
- Bad idea, yeah, just like your life was a bad idea.
- Excuse ma'am.
- Excuse me, I need to tell this bitch off.
Fuck you.
I am the motherfucking Napoleon of making genius babies.
I know what happened.
I can see it now.
Cody's in a dumpster.
You don't even have to apologize.
- No, Cody's not sick or dying
or anything like that.
He's doing super fucking awesome.
Thank you for asking, bitch.
- Right.
You know, Michelangelo doesn't have time to get sick.
He wouldn't do that to us.
- Well good for Michelangelo.
- I have a big boy job that I need to get back to.
Why the fuck are you calling me?
- I need money.
- [Raneé] No.
- Dude, come on.
I can't have all this.
Angela's, come on, you know how much this means to me.
- How the fuck did you do that?
No, not, still no, not even considering it,
and don't ask Mom, either.
She hates you forever, goodbye.
- Please, come on, I'll pay you back.
Look, I lied.
Cody's super sick, okay?
It sucks.
I got a job with Angela,
and this is my shot.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- That's sad, Janeé.
[dramatic music]
- Oh my, fucking bitch.
[ominous music]
[door creaks]
- Yo, Jordan.
- Yo, what it do?
Got here as fast as I could.
You still gonna be able to do this?
- Did you finally get that money.
- Yes, I did.
[thudding boom]
- Hold on one second.
[change clinks on tray]
I don't know where you got this from,
but it's not enough.
- Shit, man, you sure?
I thought that was a lot of cash.
- Oh, there is, but it's mostly ones.
- What about that discount I was getting?
- Even with your friend discount,
this will cover you about a sixth, at most.
- Okay, well would you maybe do it
in installments, like a sixth now,
and then you know, we could do the rest later on?
- I don't see why not.
All right, so this where you wanted that turkey.
- Yeah, like blam, all about the size
of my left shoulder there.
- Okay.
And you're sure this is the design you want to do?
You don't want to go with the spider,
with big tits, right, a skull, motorcycle.
- Spiders are badass, but I'm gonna have
to stick with the baby picture.
Tryin' to win a shitload of chenko
from FaceFuka's baby tattoo contest.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
Hey, you want to see some pregnant titties?
[females grunting]
- [Janeé] Jordan, are you filming me?
- No, bitch.
Givin' me shit, man.
He don't love the baby.
He never do nothing for it.
I'm like, shit.
I'll show you how much I love that baby,
fucking bitch.
Get his face burned into my shoulder.
What you goin' to do about that?
- Okay, so you doin' all this,
just to prove to her that you're right,
and she's wrong, even though she is
probably kind of right.
- No.
Man, I know that thing's annoying
and expensive as fuck,
but I'm like, fine.
I'll let it stick around
as long as you just fucking chill.
- I don't know what you guys are fighting about,
but you don't want to keep a baby.
You don't got to keep a baby.
- What do you mean?
- Well, there's ways.
There's people you can call,
people who might be interested in helping you out
with those kind of problems.
- Wait.
[dramatic chime]
For real?
- Mm-hmm.
♪ That hotel near you
♪ When he dart down
[dramatic electronic music]
- It's Dijo time.
It's Donut time.
Dijo time.
Donut time.
[he growls]
- Dad?
[Dad grunts]
- I feel sick.
- Look what you did.
I ain't cleaning that up.
Get your big, behemoth ass off the floor, man.
- Who got me sick?
Is somebody sick in this house?
- Man, I don't know.
Chill, yo. [phone ringing]
Wipe your mouth off.
- Where's all the Robitussin?
You used it to get high, didn't you?
- [Jordan] No, Dad, I don't touch the Robitussin.
- Answer the goddamn phone.
I gotta get some cough medicine.
[phone ringing]
You need anything from the drugstore
while I'm out?
I can get you something if you're sick.
- No, Dad, nobody's sick, just go.
What?
- [Tazel] Hello, there, buddy.
This is Tazel from Brogenix.
How you making out with the year supply?
- Yeah, we didn't actually order any of that.
I think someone stole my dad's credit card number.
You know what I'm saying?
- [Tazel] Oh, you betcha.
No wonder, I see you made one of the payments by cash here.
Let me see if I can - Can I talk to you
- some other time, uh, please? - Oh, sure.
- Yo, man, you gotta stop telling
your fat fucking sister about this.
I don't know want to have to karate chop her in the throat.
- What happened to your shoulder?
- Just got a banging new tattoo.
- What'd you get a tattoo of?
- Uh, spiders,
just a lot of work I gotta get done
on it, though.
- Oh, that's gay.
- No, man, that ain't gay.
Look, I don't got no baggies,
so I'm gonna break it up here.
You both wanted one?
- What kind of chenko is this?
I don't want this dirt.
- Shit, son.
You don't know what's good.
This is 100% pure scorpi-dust,
straight from Peru.
- I don't believe you.
It's not even that dark.
- No, man, look.
It's some of the best chenko I ever smoked.
Check it out.
So you got that 600 bucks?
- Dude, run!
[engine revving]
[bicycle gears click]
- Hey, get back here.
[he thuds and groans]
- [Boy] Fuck you, loser.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Ow.
- Yeah, I'll drop it off,
but I'm not doing cash anymore.
I keep getting fucked over.
I'm switching over to Zitcoin.
It's just.
[he inhales and coughs]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [FaceFuka] Pu-damn.
Getting a baddass tattoo.
Fuck you all.
- [Murphy] Sweet xenu
- Vote for me.
In the FaceFuka baby tattoo contest,
hashtag dontBEaBITCH.
- You got a fucking tattoo.
You got a fucking tattoo.
You said you were broke.
- Look, Janeé, you don't need to call a doctor.
You just need to buy baby aspirin.
Pour like half the bottle in his face,
and he'll calm the fuck down.
- Freakin' chill.
What am I gonna do?
I'm like freaking out, man.
Look, just please promise me
that you'll call as soon as you get there, okay?
- Off the phone, Janeé.
Angela is not happy.
You can't quit the program.
- What do you mean?
- Angela won't allow it.
The salon sponsored you for this,
and if you don't go, do you know
what Angela's gonna do to me?
I have a family, Janeé.
- Dude, I can't pay for it.
- Angela doesn't care, Janeé.
You have to pay, you have to.
- Uh, Janeé.
- Hey.
- Hey, Janeé, uh,
do you know where I can skiz some chenko?
- No, I don't do that shit.
- Oh, damn, I thought maybe your bae was
still dealing seed bags.
- Jordan?
No.
- I'll give you $20 if you can score
some fucking chenko today.
Please I'm skeevin, yo.
I can't find shit around here.
- I'm so broke right now.
- You know, you need money.
Bundy over there will pay you $500
to bend him and call him a little princess
and tickle his butthole.
He tells me like five times a day.
- Um, no.
Um, let me text Jordan.
He's literally always got stuff.
He can hook you up with some dope-ass chenko.
- Oh, dope.
I will give you that twenty when I am done work.
Thanks, girl.
[phone rings]
- Brandenburg Dental, this is Raneé speaking.
What the fuck do you want?
- [Man] Uh, I'll just call back.
[busy signal beeps]
- Angela.
Why?
[computer dings]
Givebacks.
- [FaceFuka] Bleed on this, bitch.
Hashtag FaceFuka, Hashtag Chenko4Life.
- [Dad] Jordan, where are you?
- I'm in the bathroom.
I'm gonna fucking stab those kids.
- Jordan! Jordan!
Jordan, where are you?
Oh, there you are, Jordan.
You're not gonna believe this.
Somebody robbed the VFW this morning.
- Oh, that sucks.
- Some guy came in and ran out the door
with one of them charity boxes
for vets with no legs.
What kind of scum would do that?
I'm going over there right now
to help them find out who did this.
You can't fool us vets.
- Man, where's that remote?
[dramatic music]
Fuck, I just want one hit of chenko, just one.
[Jordan snorts]
Fuck.
[Jordan coughs and spits]
That's not gonna work.
[Jordan gags]
[Jordan burps] [phone rings]
[fly buzzes]
- [Woman] It's important at the first sign of illness
to administer baby aspirin to your child.
Without baby aspirin, your baby has
a frighteningly higher chance of dying.
100% pure baby aspirin,
it cools their bones
and dulls their sense of awareness,
so there sickness [Jordan burps]
starts to melt away [melt away echoes].
- Yeah?
- [Walter] Jordan, I want that money back.
- Who is this?
- You know damn well who this is.
Don't play games with me, you hamburger.
We know it was you who stole from us.
I'm coming by your house - Fuck you.
- tonight for that money.
You hand it over.
I swear I won't tell your dad or anyone else what happened.
THat's a fair offer.
- How 'bout you give me that other five bucks
you screwed me on this morning,
and I won't tell everybody how much
of an old doucher you are.
- [Dee] Don't worry about that chenko later.
I'm good.
- But Dee, come on.
I need that money.
My baby's all sick, he's like--
- Okay, that's really cute.
You should probably talk to Bundy over there.
He's really not so bad,
takes like 30 seconds.
Helps me pay my rent.
[thudding on door]
- I don't think you realize what is coming
down on you, if you don't surrender it now.
- Whatever, I gotta go. [thudding on door]
[baby crying] [thudding on door]
Oh, what's up, dude.
Yo, I was gonna call you.
I'm sorry that I--
- That's not gonna work.
Where's my money?
- Um, well, that's the thing.
- See, you don't have it, do you?
- Technically, no, I don't.
- And you're not gonna pay me, either, today, are you?
- Probably not.
- Where's my fucking chenko?
[baby crying]
- Hey, where you going?
Hey, hey.
[dramatic music] [Bundy grunting]
Get out of here, hey.
Don't touch that.
- I don't like to be fucked with.
Where is it?
- I kind of lost it, yo.
- Oh really, you wanna revise your answer?
[Bundy grunting] [hairdressers mumbling]
- I told you, I fucking lost it.
I don't have it, dude.
Fuck the ass, dude, I don't have it.
- Well, where did it go?
Two zinolas of chenko does not just vanish
into thin fucking air.
[baby crying and screaming]
- I was robbed, yo,
by little fucking bikers, dude.
[Bundy munches and grunts]
Look, yeah, I don't have your cash right now,
but maybe, maybe we can make a deal
for something else? [Bundy munches and grunts]
- Um, uh, hey there. [Bundy retches]
- You buy some pills?
- Wait, don't take that.
That's my dad's anti-acid flashback medicine.
There's so much acid still in his spine
if he doesn't take it,
he gets really bad trips, like all day long.
Seriously, you can have anything else but that.
Come on, man.
There's other valuable shit in here you could take.
- What the fuck?
- Uh, dude, are you okay?
- Whoa, excuse me, buddy.
You can't die in here.
- I don't care.
Take the baby.
Yeah, you want it?
It's yours.
I hear you can get like five grand
for a fresh baby on eBay.
Just sell it, and with the money I owe you,
you can toss me like an extra two onions
and we'll call it even, yo.
- I'm not taking your fucking kid.
[baby crying]
Don't ever call me again, you sick piece of shit.
- Fuck off, Stephanie, where did you come from?
- Oh my, seriously,
did you just try to fucking do
what I think you fucking did?
- No, Stephanie, I didn't.
- [Stephanie] Wait until Janeé finds out about this.
- [Clerk] Can I help you?
- Hi, uh, do you have any baby aspirin?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'm taking Cody with me.
He is not safe with you here.
- What are you doing?
Isn't that like baby-napping
or something? - Call the cops.
- I don't give a fuck.
- Fine, you need a fucking baby.
I didn't realize you teach all day long.
Whoa, you can't take my baby.
You fat bitch, I already fucking got you pregnant
and gave you a baby.
I wanted to keep that one.
Hey.
What the fuck it.
[dramatic music]
[Bundy grunts] [hairdressers mumble]
- Tell her she's got the salami.
I'm not talking to her again.
[gentle electronic music] [TV mumbles in background]
- I thought we had a good thing going here, Jordan.
I'm just sittin' here all alone,
snorting some chenko,
thinking of you.
- Chenko.
- Fuck, yeah it is.
I got some chen', chen'.
Keep showin' me that dick,
and I'll bring your ass some.
- [Man on TV] About 13 minutes.
[camera clicks]
- Scorpion chain don't make it no bigger.
Dangle this bad boy next to my dick.
She'll love it.
[car horn honks]
Fuck is it now, man?
[car horn honks]
- It's all right.
Jordan.
[Donut thuds and grunts]
Guess what I just got,
just like her cash.
- I don't know, Donut.
I don't fucking care.
- I just got diabetes, which now I got this pill
that's like making me shit like a lot, which means more
[belly rumbles]. - No, I been trying to hit you
all the [sniffs]. - up for chenko
- all fucking day, man.
Where the fuck you been?
[Jordan retches] [Donut sniffs]
Did you just reach inside your belly button
and smell the shit that was inside?
- Oh, yes, so gross.
- What the fuck is wrong with you, Donut?
Get off my lawn.
I'm going back inside.
You don't want to help me get some chenko?
Eat a dick, then.
- Wait, come on, I ...
I got chenko. [dramatic thudding music]
We can snort some lines,
and like eat some BaDingos.
- Chenko.
- [Voices] Yeah, let's get some food up in this bitch.
- Dang, yo, start that shit up.
Get in the fucking car, man. [Donut grunts and retches]
You run over a skunk, bro?
- [Donut] I'm just gonna have, yo,
you gonna have some wings on the way?
No, you cannot have any wings.
[Donut munches and grunts]
- Yo, where the fuck your chenko at, yo?
- Right there [munches].
- Come on, I ain't been out all day.
I just need to do a hit real quick.
This is a bomb, fucking chenko, yo.
We're gonna get so fucking high, man.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Man, you look fine.
- I know [giggles].
- God.
- It smells like tree bark.
- Who the fuck is calling me?
[ringing electronic music]
- Yo, give me a hit.
- Who the fuck you are?
I'll fix up my own bong.
- Janeé, you better thank me.
I just got off the phone with that cuntoid, Angela,
and you know what she just said to me?
What is it with you and the phone?
Can't anyone around here stop the texting
for two seconds?
- Nah, I better stick it up my asshole.
Work way faster. - As long I've been sending
- girls to Angela's Superstar School,
I've never seen them make any exceptions
for anybody, ever.
- Whoa, you can't take off bump-bump while I'm driving.
- It's cool, yo.
I haven't chenkoed all day.
I'm just trying to get really fucking high.
- [Daphne] But I told them about your dumb ass
and that sick baby of yours at home.
God dammit, would you just answer that already?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
Put your ass away.
There's a cop right over there.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
[thudding]
- I'm sorry, it's my friend, Stephanie.
I don't know what she wants.
What did they say?
- Two hours.
Angela promised to not break your legs
and give you an extension
on the last payment for two hours.
[Donut yells]
- Fucking chill already, fuck.
- You're still in it for now, honey,
but don't make me look like a chump.
- What?
What do you want?
- I'm gonna eat so much food,
and then I'm gonna shit so much.
I wonder what we should get.
We should split some Scuzzers.
- I ain't got no money.
- Shit, I ain't buying you nothing, you bitch.
[he grunts and retches]
- He's gonna die.
Chenko time, motherfucker.
[upbeat electronic music]
- [Donut] Can I get four Dijo buckets,
six orders of Buffalo Choppers,
three Scuzzers,
a BaDingo burger.
- Sure, is this family-sized?
- No, just for me.
- Ooh, we can take a little more.
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Clerk] Yeah, we can add some M&M'S on that.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Dijo.
- Fuck, fuck, where the fuck.
Fuck.
- Um, do you actually have any breakfast cereal as well?
- Um, yeah, we do actually.
[Jordan yells]
- Oh shit.
[Jordan yells]
- Well, my dude [grunts and groans].
[Jordan grunts and groans]
- Fuck it, still got time for a hit.
He's moving at Brontosaurus speed.
- Dijo, my man.
[Jordan sneezes]
[Jordan groans]
[Donut growls]
[dramatic electronic music]
[Donut burps and groans]
Holy shit, what the fuck happened, Jordan?
Were you trying to steal my chenko?
- Uh, no.
- [Woman] On behalf of child services,
I'd like to thank you for reporting
the baby found in the dumpster earlier.
We take dumpster babies very seriously
here at child services.
We're gonna go ahead and launch a full investigation, okay?
- Amazing.
- [Woman] Do you have any idea
where the mother might be located?
- Um, yeah.
I've got that for you right here.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Roger, Jengo 17, we got some potential
shit bags on bicycles in the woods on Chester.
I'm gonna go see what these guys are doing.
- [Dispatch] Roger that, Choner.
- Give me some fucking c-bags, yo.
- What you, what are you like eight?
Where's your money, kid?
- Don't fucking move.
Don't fucking move, shot. [gun fires]
- [Dispatch] Choner, we got reports of gunshots
fired in your vicinity.
Please respond.
- 17, yeah I just got attacked by a group of boys
high on chenko.
- [Dispatch] Are you in danger?
- Yes, I'm fearing for my life right now.
Oh, shit.
[ominous electronic music] [gun cocks]
You're gonna tell me exactly where you got
this fucking chenko from,
or else I'm gonna stick so many things up your fucking ass,
you're gonna bleeding for a month.
I have every size nightstick
in the trunk of my police car.
Some are black, some are white,
some are even Asian, which you might even enjoy.
Let me tell you something.
You are not gonna enjoy
when I put the black one in.
- Dude, don't I have the right remain silent?
- What?
No. - Okay.
- Uh, well.
[dramatic electronic music]
[car brakes squeal]
- Told you, it's not my fault, man.
Couldn't find a tissue or nothing in your car.
You need to keep some napkins around.
Besides, what's the big deal?
You told me it only cost five bucks.
- Doesn't mean I want you to get
nosebleed city on my shit.
- Man, I'll clean it up, I promise.
- Well, then go do it then,
you bloody nose havin' bitch.
- Let's just go get high first,
then I'll wipe down all the blood
and vacuum the whole thing.
Come on, please.
Just let me do one hit, Donut.
- [Dad] Jordan, do you know where the pills are?
- No, Dad, I didn't open anything.
- Oh, there you are.
Jordan, have you seen my pills?
I can't find them.
- No, Dad, I don't know who took your pills.
- They were right here,
and they're gone again.
Jordan, remember where I put them.
- I don't know, did you look in the bathroom?
- Bathroom?
I don't put my pills in the bathroom.
- You got five minutes.
- Five minutes til what?
- Five minute to pay us back,
or we'll tell your dad,
and we'll all whoop you good.
- Man, I give you five minutes
to get the fuck out my face.
I ain't stole shit.
- [Dad] Jordan, Jordan, get in here.
Where else can I look?
- I'm not screwing around here, you lizard.
You first Peruvian war vet right here.
I can smell the lies on your breath.
[dramatic electronic music]
[door slams]
- Fucking asshole. - Hey!
- What are you doing home?
Ain't you supposed to be working overtime?
- [Dad] Jordan, I don't have my pills.
You gotta help me find them.
- I don't know, Dad.
I cannot look right now.
- I came home as soon as Stephanie told me what you did.
This is the worst possible fucking thing
you could've done, Jordan.
- Who the fuck [screams]. - Don't be so loud.
- Just fucking chill, okay?
- No, I'm done chilling.
I'm done fucking chilling. - I need my pill now.
- Whatever Stephanie said [Dad cries]
she saw was a total.
I didn't try to sell anything.
She's wrong, I swear, I wouldn't do that.
- Time's up, Jordan.
Is there something you want to tell your dad?
- What, no, man. [door thudding]
- [Dad] Jordan, [yells and cries].
[dramatic electronic music]
- That's the guy.
That's him right there.
- I just caught this kid smoking chenko
in the middle of the woods.
He said it was you who sold it to him.
Is that true? - No, Officer.
- I don't know who this little fucking doucher is.
- Are you sure it's this fucking dickhole?
- Yeah.
- Put your hands up against the wall.
Come on, turn around.
I coulda just smelled the chenko on you.
We'll go wrist deep in your fucking ass.
- No, Dad, no one's here, man.
I didn't sell shit to them little kids, man.
Whatever they told you is not fucking true, all right?
- Somehow, you're clean, which is a miracle,
just looking at your dirty ass,
but now I gotta search the premises.
[toilet gurgles]
- Oh, come on, Jordan,
you never plugged up this thing.
[dramatic electronic music]
[computer beeping]
- What is this?
- Uh, yeah, that's uh, one of those things,
uh, what you call?
- Chenko pipe?
- Nah, that's not it.
[upbeat electronic music]
- I don't even know what to think.
You have more chenko memorabilia
than I have ever seen in my entire life.
Yet you say no to drugs. [Dad crying]
[door slams]
You got some fucking balls. [Dad yelling and crying]
- There's something I need to tell you.
- Fuck, mother fuck, bitch.
- Ah, help me, [cries and yells].
- Hey, you know how dangerous a drug like chenko is?
I'll tell you.
I've seen it myself.
It puts holes in your dick.
- Oh my God, I'm stuck.
[Dad cries and yells]
- Stop [yells and cries].
- Who's here?
I don't see anybody.
- Hold on, I'll be right back.
I'm not goin' far.
Just stay here for him.
- Don't leave me with him.
- I don't wanna hear you try to pull
some shit to get back at that kid, either.
You understand me?
- Yeah, is that it?
- Excuse me, Officer,
but there's something I need to discuss with you.
- No, there isn't.
Shut the fuck up, Walter.
- What is it?
- I'm a have to, kid.
[dramatic electronic music] [yelling]
- [Jordan] You didn't give me a chance.
- This man. [Dad yells]
committed a crime.
[Donut yells]
- Jesus Christ, what now?
- Would you help me?
[Donut thuds]
- Who the hell are you?
- Help me [yells]. - Donut.
[Dad yells]
[Dad chomps]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Fuck, that's assault on an officer.
You're under arrest, you fucking fat fuck.
What happened to you, raisin man?
Did he do that to you?
Okay, that's double aggravated assault.
You're under arrest, you fat fuck.
Get up. [Dad yells and cries]
Come on, you fucking cannibal, let's go.
Come on, you fucking fat piece of shit.
- Wait, Officer, I wanted to tell you something.
- Look, come down to the station
if you want to file a report.
I gotta take care of this knuckle, hey, hey, come on!
- You don't know what this kid did to me.
- Let's go, close the door.
[yelling]
- [Walter] You don't know how bad he is.
- See you later, Jordan, I gotta go.
- Donut.
- [Donut] What?
- Can I eat your wings?
- No.
- But Officer, we use that money
to buy wounded vets prosthetic limbs.
- Look, I told you, I don't give a shit.
Hey.
Where you going?
- Uh, uh, uh.
- What the fuck is this?
- He got a nosebleed.
Don't take my car, please.
Jordan, Jordan, please.
- I gotta run these plates.
- [Donut] Oh come on, I just--
- Shut the fuck up, don't move.
- Jordan!
[door slams]
- Whatever.
[dramatic electronic music]
[Jordan sighs]
Why the fuck are you such a shitty fucking nose?
- Jordan, I'm comin' over right now.
My vagina's on fire,
and you gotta help me put it out.
I'm comin' right now, Jordan, right now.
[luggage thudding]
- You're such an asshole.
- What?
What'd I do?
- You know you fucking did.
- Oh the baby thing?
Come on.
You're gonna believe Stephanie?
She got it all wrong.
He asked me to sell it,
and I was like no, no way,
not in a million years, man.
That's my baby boy.
- Really?
You didn't try to sell him?
- No.
I would never do that, come on.
- But give it, why was there even a guy here?
You were supposed to be watching Cody,
not fucking with your friend.
- I know, I wasn't gonna say anything,
but he was only here cause he was trying to sell me
some off the market baby medicine.
They got this dope shit that
the government won't let you have,
curing babies left and right of all kinds
of fucked-up diseases only you don't hear about it
because it's super underground, man.
- Really?
Well, I don't know about that.
Did you get some?
- No, yeah, he actually came
and tried to rob me,
but all he got off with was the microwave.
- Seriously, Jordan, you didn't need to do that.
- Well, hey.
That's my baby boy.
I'll risk myself like that for him.
Look, I was gonna try and surprise you,
but I might as well show you now.
You think I don't love that baby?
Check this out.
I'm getting his fucking face tattooed on my fucking back.
- Shit, Jordan.
How much did you spend on that?
Don't you think we coulda put that money
towards something a little better?
- No, what's a better way to show you
how much I love my baby boy,
and how wrong you were that I didn't.
There isn't one.
- Okay, I didn't tell you,
but Daphne got me into Angela's Haircut Superstar classes.
If you do this, you get all certified to cut
people's hair, and I think it would be
really good for us, you know,
to help pay for Cody?
Hairstylists make mad loot.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I really only needed a little bit
more money to get in, so,
maybe you could go back to your tattoo guy
and tell him you don't want the rest of it,
and we could put that money
towards something else, like me, myself,
and my haircut classes.
- All right.
I'll do it.
- Fucking Jordan, why can't you just
not fuck up for once?
- Man, how'd I fuck up?
I already explained to you what happened?
It's not my fault Stephanie came
and stole our baby.
- Oh my, oh yeah, we, we gotta go over there
and get him back.
I don't want Cody to forget my face.
I mean, how are you gonna sell a baby?
That's so ridiculous.
You couldn't do that.
- You mean, you never heard of that shit?
For fresh white babies, shit.
I hear you can pull in like five, ten K at least.
- Yeah, but who would do that?
- Well, if you think about it,
it's not really that bad of an idea.
I mean, you could take them haircut classes
you been talking about,
and I could finish up my tattoo,
maybe get a few more killer ones,
like spiders, shit, with that type of money,
you could be covered with spiders.
- Yeah, but 10K would never begin to make up for Cody.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Maybe we should ask for more.
- What?
- Nothing, I mean,
if you ever decided, you know,
that you didn't want him anymore, I do know a guy.
- Did you seriously just say what
I thought you just said?
- Maybe.
[dramatic electronic music]
- I cannot believe you've been lying to me.
This entire time, Stephanie was telling me the truth,
and you made me think my best friend was lying to me?
[thudding]
What the hell, what's that?
[dramatic electronic music]
- Jordan!
I got your chenko.
Ooh, look at you.
You just as cute as your pictures.
Ooh, look.
I got your chain.
- Who the fuck are you, bitch?
I will slice your tits off.
[scissor blades scrape]
- Look, ain't he so beautiful?
- Those were super special to me.
How could you send those to her, Jordan?
- Man, it was an accident.
We talked about this.
I do that sometimes when I'm really fucking high.
- You can't say that when you're always fucking high.
- I'm not high right now.
I don't even have any chenko.
I've been looking for it [Janeé yells]
all fucking day.
- I'll give you all the chenko you want.
I'll give you all the chenko you want.
Please.
- Hey, don't take my dick out.
- Just take your dick out, - That's not your dick.
- Please, Jordan. - That's my dick.
- Hey, wait a minute.
What's going on [grunts]?
- If you want to get fucked up
with your chick horse,
go right a-fucking-head, I won't stop you.
Oh, fuck you.
- Give me that dick.
- Please, please.
I'll pull my dick out.
I'll stick it anything you want, please.
All I want is one hit of chenko, please.
Just one chenko hit, please.
Just a little chenko.
- Really?
[door slams]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Fuck you, Donut.
- Man, this is bullshit city, man.
Dude, fuck.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Here, sniff this off my titty.
[dramatic electronic music]
Wait, no you can't, don't touch it.
You gotta sniff it up my ass first.
[a fart gurgles]
Sike.
- Aw, fuck you, bitch.
Give me a hit.
- Oh, Jordan, oh, Jordan, it burns.
I'm burning up.
I don't know why it's doing this, Jordan.
Just make right, top it, eat up.
It's time to eat these green peas
that grandmama made. [gurgling]
Eat it up, eat 'em up, Jordan.
Clean it up.
Eat up, Jordan.
Eat up [grunts]
What the fuck?
Oh what the fuck is?
[yelling and gurgling]
What the fuck?
[yelling]
- What the fuck is that?
[yelling and gurgling]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Jordan] Make it stop.
A damn baby popped out.
[baby crying] [Jordan retching]
- Get away from me.
I don't want nothing to do with them slime people.
[baby crying]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Baby.
[dramatic electronic music] [baby crying]
Yo Dude...
I think I got something you might want.
[dramatic electronic music]
Where's the product?
- Right over here, yo.
Gettin' a good deal.
This is a fresh fucking baby, brah.
- Whoa, dude. What the fuck? That ain't your kid!
Fuck, man!
I don't even give a fuck.
Just give me some chenko,
and the whole thing is yours, man.
Please, that's all I want.
- Nah, I don't have any chenko, man.
I just deal, brah, okay?
But I can probably get you some scorpions
if you wanted to grow your own.
- No, man, I want to get high right fucking now.
I'm sick of all this fucking hairstylers,
fucking biker gang baby in my face bullshit, man.
What can we do here, bro?
Yo, I gotta get rid of this thing.
You gotta sell some fucking babies.
I gotta stick some fucking chenko up my ass.
Let's work something out here, bro, please.
- I don't know, man.
I mean, nah, there's nothing I can do, man.
- Dude, you don't want this thing?
Fine, I'll go set him free in the parking lot
of fucking Badingos.
I don't give a shit, man.
There's gotta be something we can do.
- All right, all right.
Calm down, dude.
Do you a favor since I'm such a nice guy.
Give you a Zitcoin for it.
- Rad.
So I can use that to buy some chenko, right?
- [Man] Yeah, that should be easy.
- Hit me up.
[phones ding] [dramatic electronic music]
- There you go.
You got one Zitcoin, brah.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Cody, oh my God, Cody, are you dead?
Oh Cody.
- Oh Janeé, I thought you were gonna be
a superstar at Angela's.
What happened to that plan, huh?
Didn't pan out, did it?
- What is she doing here?
- You don't understand.
She doesn't mean fresh of you, Janeé.
- I called mom.
She is so pissed that you tried to sell your baby.
She is on her way now to kick your ass
for being such a disappointment.
She hates you now more than she ever did before.
- Why did you call Mom?
I can't deal with Mom right now.
I can handle the issue on my own.
- Oh you can, yeah.
You are homeless.
Your baby is on the verge of death.
Your mom is on the way to send
your boyfriend off to the joozy-house.
But you're on top of this?
You know, when Michelangelo was Cody's age,
Marlo taught me to read four books.
- No, five books.
- Five books.
I guess I don't blame Cody, though.
It's not his fault his brain is probably fried
from chenko smoke and not feeding him
baby medicine when he is sick.
- Dude, I got him baby medicine.
It's right here in my purse, you fucking bitchwad.
It is right here.
I got it for him.
Dude, where is it?
- I don't know.
- Like it was in here [cries].
I don't know, oh my God, no, no, no, no.
I swear to God, oh God, it was in my purse.
It was in my purse.
- I put it in here. - I know, I know, I know.
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Man] 100% whale testosterone used
in ancient Japanese warrior blends
for hundreds of years.
He used to be a fat curd.
- I gotta find that remote.
- [Man] Start taking Brogenix.
Now for the past year, I've gotten two children,
and I'm already working on my third.
[dramatic electronic music]
On hot chicks, all day long.
[dramatic electronic music]
[upbeat electronic music] [crashing and clinking]
[sniffing and bubbling]
[dramatic electronic music]
[Jordan coughs and retches]
- Awesome.
[Jordan coughs and retches]
[phone rings]
[TV mumbles in background]
- [Tazel] Oh dear, you okay there, buddy?
Can you hear me?
- Nah, what do you want?
- [Tazel] Well, this is Tazel from Brogenix again.
Last time we spoke, you were telling me
your dad's card got stolen.
If you give me the number [Jordan retches and coughs]
on the card, I can send you that refund, and we can-
- Yeah, hold on a second.
I want to get that for you.
[bubbling] [phone ringing]
What the fuck, you stop, stop calling here.
My dad's credit card is stolen.
I don't care for to pay the phone bill neither.
- Jordan, what happened?
My credit card got stolen?
- No, Dad.
- I didn't know I had a credit card.
Why didn't you tell me?
- You don't have a credit card, Dad.
I was just saying that to get this girl off my ass.
I didn't get you a credit card.
It ain't stolen.
Everything is fine.
- I gotta get out of here, Jordan.
He won't let me go.
- Man, you probably gotta pay bail
or some shit like that>
- I got money.
You have to get me out of here.
I can't take it any more.
- All right, fucking chill.
Where is it, I'll bring it to you.
- It's under my desk.
Bring it all, I don't care.
And Jordan, please, you have to tell them.
I didn't do anything.
They won't let me [yells]. - Okay, I get the point, fuck.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Janeé, let's go, come on.
I am gonna settle this right now.
- Hey, but Mom, did you hear?
- Let's go.
- Cody is like in mega meltdown mode.
- Let's go.
- He could be dying.
We need to get him appendix drops or
Baby aspirin first.
- Like that'll help.
You poisoned him with face paint!
You really think he's just gonna get over it
with some pink baby goop?
- Yes, because the internet said it.
So it must be true.
- Oh, so you to have to read the internet
to learn how to be a bad mom.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Where you hustling off to, Jordan?
Come here, front and center.
I want to talk to you.
- Too bad I got nothing to talk about.
[dramatic electronic music]
[thudding]
What the fuck was that?
- Now where would this reptile be slithering
off to at this time of night?
I'm gonna take a wild guess
and say he's going out to buy something.
- How 'bout it's none of your fucking business
where I go?
Why don't you back off before I do something?
- What you gonna do, touch screen?
Poke me?
Look at you, you ain't a real man.
I wouldn't trust you to tie my shoes,
let alone occupy a goddamn country.
You know what I was doing when I was your age?
- I don't know, fucking your cat?
- No, I was in the jungles of Peru,
making sure my brothers didn't die
every single day.
- Oh, is that how you became such a prick?
[thudding]
- That's why I say we need to have
one or two more wars on just to
recycle fuckups like you on something worth a damn.
- Look at this.
Is this it?
- Oh, what a coincidence.
Didn't we have a wad of cash just about
that thick ripped off from us today?
- We sure as cat did.
- That's an awful lot of money
to be carrying around while you're high.
- Give it back.
I'm not fucking high.
- He's going right now to the dealer's
to buy some illegal drugs with it.
- Doesn't make any sense at all.
Seriously, that's not even my money.
You gotta give it back.
- Oh really?
Not yours, I never would've guessed that.
- No, it's my Dad's, I swear.
I was going over to bail him out right now.
Hey, you can't come and take it from me like that.
Man, it's his money [car engine turns over]
you're stealing from me, not mine.
- You're a terrible liar, Jordan.
[Walter laughs] [car tires screech]
- Hey, stop the car.
Man. [Walter laughs]
I should charge you after I bail my dad out.
Bastard. [Walter laughs]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Man] Whoa, you can't smoke in here.
Put that shit out.
Come on, smoking.
Get the tape, are we taping?
- Yo, I said I'm putting it out.
- [Man] Come on, smoking.
[door thuds]
- Jordan, oh, thank God you're here.
They're making a movie about me,
and the police are in on it.
They let the cameras into my cell.
And, and then, look, behind you.
They're back.
- He seriously needs his medicine to shut him up.
We don't have any cameras in here.
- Jordan, did you find my money?
It's my only way out of this shithole.
- I did, but on my way over,
I kinda lost it, so at the moment,
I don't actually have your money.
- Oh, wait, hold on here.
You don't have the money?
You can't have him, if you don't have the money.
That's what fucking bail is.
- Come on, man, can't you just let him out?
I had it like ten minutes ago, for real.
- You used it to go buy drugs, didn't you?
- [Choner] All right, all right, all right.
- You're so fucked now, - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'll kill you for this. - Hold on, hold on.
- I know that smell.
It smells like you've been smoking
fucking baby aspirin.
Did you seriously just walk
into a police station high as fuck?
Hey, baby drop-off is in the back.
- Is that Janeé's mom?
[dramatic electronic music]
[thuds]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Choner] Hey, hey, hey.
Where the fuck is he going?
Boys, get him, boys!
[dramatic electronic music]
Get him, get him!
Get him, Choner.
Jordan!
[gun fires]
[screaming]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Jengo, we got a bogey on the loose.
Bogey on the loose.
Fucker.
[dramatic electronic music]
[Jordan panting]
[Jordan coughs and retches]
- Donut. [hand thudding on door]
Open the fuck up, come on.
[Jordan coughs and retches]
[computer game dinging]
- Aw yeah, buffalo wings.
Ho, ho, ho.
There's hook-up city up in here.
Look at that, look at that.
[Donut laughs]
DOHOG78.
- [Grandma] Harvey, Harvey, it sounds like
somebody's smoking down there.
- Please, can, I've been waiting all fucking day, Donut.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean like, as soon as my Grandma goes to sleep,
like my guy will be here soon.
- [Grandma] Harvey, are you smoking?
- No, Grandma, I don't smoke.
- Should I put this out?
- No, no, it's fine.
- So what time's that Zitcoin guy gettin' here?
- Mm, just like in five minutes.
- Awesome, maybe I can get his info.
I need a new chenko guy.
- [Grandma] Harvey, it still smells like smoke.
What you doing in there?
- Nothing, Grandma.
I'm just eating buffalo wings.
- Man, you ain't even eatin' all the chicken off of that.
Look at all that meat left.
- [Harvey] You want it?
Eat it.
I don't like putting my tongue in that far.
- Hi, Grandma Donut.
- Hello, Jordan.
I didn't know you were here.
- Hell yeah, bitch, fucking ball.
- Harvey, you know you're not supposed
to be smoking down here.
Tobacco smoke makes my e coli flare up?
- Why aren't you asleep right now?
- I will be in bed in ten minutes.
Sweetheart, please, don't smoke.
- Yo, put that down.
I wasn't even done with that one yet.
- I'm sorry, chill.
[Donut's intestines rumble]
Whoa, oh man.
Don't touch my wings.
- Yo, man, I don't have a half hour
to wait for you to shower after you shit.
[Donut farting and gurgling]
[computer game dings and grunts]
[door knocking]
[dramatic electronic music]
Murphy, what are you doing here?
- Oh, don't tell me it's you.
[door slams]
You can have your Zitcoin back
because I'm not selling you a goddamn thing, you sick fuck.
- Hey, I'm not the dude who hit you up.
- Stay away from me.
You want me to bring the force?
- Hey, watch it, man.
I got sauce on my fingers.
[grunting and yelling]
- That microwave was loaded with centipedes.
I junked it.
[thudding and yelling]
- [Grandma] What's that noise?
Did you just break something?
- Oh, I think I have deja vu.
What can I take in trade this time?
How 'bout that power drill over there?
- You can't take that.
It's not mine. - Get the fuck out of my way.
[thudding and grunting]
[yelling]
[squeaking]
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Shit, dude.
- Fuck, what happened?
- You just stabbed an old lady.
- No, no, I was swinging.
Oh fuck, you're right, I did.
[Grandma grunting]
[dramatic electronic music]
- No, Mom, it's not gonna work.
Angela's doesn't operate on my logic.
You can't do that.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, Janeé.
You are going to get a job at the dealer.
I am not going into that salon again.
[crying and yelling]
- Mom, please come back.
Can you please help me give Cody this baby medicine?
These directions don't make any sense.
- Yeah, it's probably pretty hard to understand
if you don't know how to read.
- Why are you so mean to me?
It's not my fault your life sucks just because
you decided not to go to Angela's.
- Are you effing seriously serious right?
My life could not be more amazing right now.
I am so glad I gave that shit up.
Cutting hair is bimbo work, Janeé.
Do you wanna what kind of people cut hair?
Goon bag morons that's who.
- Maybe if you hadn't given it up,
you wouldn't have a stick up so far up your ass?
[they scream]
[Jordan retching and coughing]
- [Man on TV] Get you off the couch
in about 13 minutes.
- Whatever.
- When whale testosterone hits your bloodstream.
Remember, Japanese warriors have been taking
whale testosterone for the
past eight centuries. - Where the fuck
- is that remote?
I've seen this shit.
I'm not gonna stop looking
til I find this mother fucker.
Oh shit, there it is.
I've been looking all over for this.
[phone ringing]
- [Tazel] Oh, hiya there.
It's Tazel from Brogenix again.
I want to get this payment all settled
before I leave for the day.
If you got your information stolen,
it's important we jump on that right away.
I'm not sure what happened.
I think we got disconnected last time
we talked. - No, we didn't get
- Disconnected, I actually hung up on you.
[Jordan inhales]
[dramatic electronic music]
[TV speaks in warped language]
- Brogenix, scientifically proven.
Jordan, fucking listen to me.
Where did you say you've been?
I take it, why did you give it to me?
Give it to me.
Give the damn baby to me.
Jordan, are you fucking listening to me?
- Give him the baby, Jordan. - God dammit.
- Give that baby away.
Give me the baby, you fuck.
- Shit doesn't even work, man.
I'm way fucking ass high.
Where was that remote?
I saw it.
- [Man on TV] Brogenix, genetically alters your DNA
to be more like a new whale.
- My phone.
What the hell is this?
- Yo bro, I'm good again.
Hit me up if you need some.
- [Jordan] Solliver's back.
- There he is.
Oh friend, hang up.
- Hey, pop.
[thudding and yelling]
- I have to took you.
- Knock over my things, I've been working
on that for six months.
- You don't want to do this the wrong way.
We'll hold him down,
and you can beat him, Peruvian style.
- You're lucky Walter's here.
He had to come down
and bail me out with his own money,
you fucking son of a bitch.
- He didn't pay for shit, Dad.
Those fucking assholes came,
and they stole all your money.
I swear, I didn't lose any of it
until they took it from me.
- You had to go and buy drugs, didn't you?
Fuck, you're high right now.
That's proof.
- Uh-huh, he is as high as Thursday.
- What the fuck?
- I told you that's what he was doing.
- Fuck you all.
Why do you have to be such vaginas about everything.
- Fuck me?
Fuck me, no, fuck you.
I want you out of my house.
Leave!
[thudding and yelling]
- Calm down, you're having another flashback.
Okay, I'm leaving, chill.
[thudding and yelling]
- [Dispatch] We got a 17.
This is Delta One Nine.
Can you give me a status on your location?
- I need you to kill him.
That the point.
[thudding and yelling]
- [Cop] Choner, right here.
You can smell the fucking chenko outside.
- I just paid you.
Get out of my house.
I don't have any more money to give you.
- Oh, so you haven't learned
your lesson the first time, huh?
[thudding and yelling]
- Please, don't arrest him again.
- Get off of him.
You can't do this.
He needs his medication.
- [Dad] I don't have any more money to give you.
[dramatic electronic music]
Get off of me.
You can't take me back there.
I'll kill all of you.
- [Choner] Oh, you gonna make threats now?
[thudding and yelling]
[sad electronic music]
- Dad, I can't take this shit.
I can't take this shit no more.
Man, I need chenko so bad.
My scorpion chain.
I broke my fucking scorpion chain.
Why, scorpion gods?
Why have you forsaken me?
[Jordan cries]
I need chenko.
[sad electronic music]
[thudding]
My hat?
Where the fuck this come from? [girls laughing and mumbling]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Man] This fucking asshole.
[girls laugh]
- Suck my fucking dick, yo.
- What you doing man?
[man grunts and barks]
- That my hat.
Yo, yo, hold up, motherfuckers.
Got any chenko?
[dramatic electronic music]
Do they have paint on their faces?
♪ Chenko
- Hold up.
Yo, what's.
[dramatic electronic music]
FaceFuka?
FaceFuka!
Chenko, give me chenko.
Chenko, I need some chenko.
- Geeze, don't go blocking that shit.
[yelling]
- [Jordan] Don't got no chenko?
Man, I know you got chenko.
I wouldn't be here if you didn't have any chenko.
Look at that chenko.
What you got, give me that shit.
I need this, let me,
let me put it in my mouth. [yelling]
C'mon, you fucking broke.
[dramatic electronic music]
Yo, you got to be high as fuck.
What you on?
Yo, bro, you are the highest person
I've ever fucking seen.
Good for you, man.
How did you get there?
[dramatic electronic music]
- Shit bag, chenko feind
Fuck hole, I knew it.
Jengo 17, the bogey's been spotted.
And He's fucking dead.
[dramatic electronic music]
[warped yelling]
- I need some chenko, bro.
You know where I can find any?
[dramatic electronic music]
- You're just a baby?
But I hate you.
- Chenko, do you have any?
[dramatic electronic music]
Whoa, watch, yo.
- [Man] Hey, you got a fucking ticket?
- You got a baby, go ahead.
Hey, that ain't no baby.
What's this fuck baby, yo.
- I'm entering my baby's face.
I'm gonna go let that little motherfucker right now.
[yelling]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Are you sure you want to let me do this?
I don't know, dude.
I don't want to fuck up your hair.
- Janeé, you can totally cut it all off.
Give me a mohawk, if you need to.
I just want you to be the best haircutter
of all haircutter history.
♪ Chenko, chenko, chenko, chenko ♪
- I fucking love you face Fuka.
[Jordan screams] [fireworks bang]
♪ Chenko, chenko, chenko, chenko ♪
♪ If you see a baby
♪ Punch it in the face
♪ This is how you save the human race ♪
♪ Punch punch a baby
♪ Punch a baby now
[dramatic electronic music]
[yelling and cheering]
♪ You better be dropping some C-bombs ♪
♪ Chenko, chenko, chenko
- I need some chen-chen right now, bitch.
Give me this shit. - That's my ball.
- What the fuck is this?
This is not drugs, little girl.
This is not drugs, little girl's mom.
Why would you not bring drugs to a concert.
- [Janeé] Maybe I can like dye it
a sort of color that can like match your skin.
- What are you doing with those fucking scissors?
- Don't fucking move.
- Okay, fucking chill, man, chill.
- Did you really think I was gonna
let you get chenko today?
I shouldn't even be here right now.
It's 11:00.
I'm supposed to be home fucking my fat wife in the garage,
but you wanna know what I told my fat wife?
- Unless it involves me smoking
shit load of chenko, you pissing the fuck off, not really.
- I told Mom if you were gonna stay here,
not to let you go to Angela's.
She has too many things to do in the afternoon,
and nobody wants to look after that little shit ball
while you're prancing around in Angela land.
- I told her if I could stop one of you shit bag fucks,
for gettin' high on dope,
I don't need to fuck my fat wife,
when I can just fuck you.
- No, Angela's is not negotiable.
I'm so close.
I just need like a couple hundred bucks more, and I'm in.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- [Janeé] I know you're loaded.
You got that dope ass reception gig.
Why can't you help me out?
- Nobody wants you to touch their hair, please.
I'd rather pay for a can full of bees
to sting me in the face over and over and over again
than to pay for you to go to that shit.
- Why can't you just chill, dude.
I'm not fucking with you, bro.
There's a Billion people out there doing the same shit.
All we wanna do is get fucking high and just chill.
That's it.
You can't arrest all of us.
- Yes, I can.
- I'm a good person.
I got good inside me
that you know nothing about,
but I'm not gonna be anything like you.
I'm gonna be somebody.
Angela's gonna turn me into more of a somebody
than you will ever be.
- You really think they're gonna let in
a girl who has a streak that looks
like the inside of my asshole?
- Chenko makes your life fucking retarded.
Now don't move,
and let me un-retard your fucking retarded life.
[dramatic electronic music]
- You goon-bag nasty bitch.
[dramatic electronic music]
- No, man.
Without chenko, there is no life.
- You do not pull that shit with me.
Comb your fucking hair, bitch.
- Dijo chop, son.
[thudding]
- It's over, Jordan.
Don't fight it.
Can't wait to take you a place
where you'll never be able to smoke chenko again.
- No, no!
- Hey, asshole.
- Hey asshole, where the fuck is your ticket?
- I don't need a fucking ticket.
I'm a cop.
I go wherever the fuck I want.
- Need a ticket.
You want a baby with your face painted on.
[thudding]
[neck cracking]
[thudding and yelling]
- I had a dream about throwing babies out windows
That's why I wrote a song about throwing babies out windows
[yelling and thudding]
Don't think too hard about it,
straightforward shit you all.
Yo, it's about that time, y'all.
You ready for this thing?
And the winner of the chenko4life baby tattoo contest.
This mother fucker right here,
with his bloody ass baby tattoo on.
- That's me, I'm here! - Chenko y'all.
- A lifetime supply of chenko.
Which adds up to about two ounces,
because if you do it all at once,
then you gonna have a short ass
mother fucking lifetime.
[thudding]
- Do I need a fucking ticket now?
- FaceFuka, it's me, FaceFuka.
FaceFuka, it's me, right here.
- Come on up here, come on up onstage.
Let's get you fucking high.
- [Jordan] I'm the chenko king.
I'm a chenko king tonight.
- Chenko paraphernalia?
You can't fucking do that.
- Does he mean me?
[dramatic electronic music]
- Hey, fuck face.
Put the fucking chenko down.
Put the chenko, put it down.
Put the fucking chenko down.
Put it down.
Put the fucking chenko down.
- [All] Chenko!
[gun fires]
[thudding] [dramatic electronic music]
- Everybody's under arrest.
Get on your knees and put your hands
behind your fucking head.
You're all under arrest.
Fuck you pig!
- You ain't arresting shit.
[gun shots fire]
[gun clatters to ground]
[crowd yelling]
- How could you bring a fucking cop
to my fucking show, yo?
A fucking cop!
[FukaFace sobs]
[crowd yells] [dramatic electronic music]
[FukaFace sobs]
- Stop, everybody stop.
Everybody stop, everybody stop.
Stop.
[dramatic electronic music]
- Oh, she's such a fucking psychotic bitch.
I hate her.
God, I gotta get out of here, dude.
I'm raging.
- Janeé, she doesn't know
what the fuck she's talking about.
Believe me, you're gonna be like the hottest,
most fucking badass hairdressin' chick
that Angela's Superstar School has ever seen.
Trust me.
- No, I'm not.
It's just not gonna work out for me.
[sad electronic music]
I'm never gonna get in.
I'm stupid, too, and I know it.
- Girl, come on.
You know, besides staying with Jordan,
you are one smart ho.
- Man, this is way too big to stick up my ass.
- I'm your girl,
and I don't know if you know how I operate,
but Grandma Stephanie would never let
anybody fuck this up for you.
[sad electronic music]
Okay look, don't you ever ask me
who my fucking baby daddy is, bitch.
I tapped into my abortion fund for this shit.
[Jordan grunts]
[dramatic electronic music]
- Aw, aw.
- What?
No way.
How did you do this?
- Well, I basically called and was like,
"Hey, I'm Janeé's mom."
And they were like, "What?"
And I was like, "Bitch, you know who the fuck I am."
- Dijo shot, bitch.
- Dude, I'm gonna fucking cry.
- It's okay. Frickin chill
Frickin' Chill,
[dramatic electronic music]
[inhaling and bubbling]
[echoing exhale]
[Jordan coughs and retches]
[dramatic electronic music]
- [Man] Columbia, this is Houston.
Go ahead, over.
- [Man] I did see
a small white object.
[mumbling under music and static]
And it looks like.
[mumbling under music and static]
[Jordan yells]
[dramatic electronic music]
[Jordan laughing and yelling] [dramatic electronic music]
- Hey, huh, huh?
[dramatic electronic music]
Hey, huh?
[dramatic electronic music]
[Jordan yelling]
[fire explodes]
[Jordan groaning]
My dick's so hard.
[Jordan groaning]
[upbeat electronic music]
♪ What was created, went on before ♪
♪ Burn your art out like some cheap old whore ♪
♪ You're all old and boring now ♪
♪ All the milk's been taken from the cow. ♪
♪ Dead and buried
♪ Switched my sulph to Ajax
♪ Ain't high but I'm clean
♪ Never eat anything with a face on it ♪
♪ Know what I mean?
♪ Dead and buried
♪ The living ain't easy
♪ The living ain't clean
♪ Makes me hot, makes me naked
♪ Makes feel just plain obscene ♪
♪ Dead and buried
[dramatic electronic music]
♪ Now we're all about the mystery plain ♪
♪ Don't know where we're going
♪ And yesterday
♪ Is all the same
♪ Dead and buried
♪ Asthma attack in a purple haze ♪
♪ To call our number, so you'll die ♪
♪ Dead
♪ Buried
♪ Dead
♪ Buried
♪ Dead
♪ Buried
♪ Dead
♪ Buried
♪ Dead
♪ Buried
♪ Dead
♪ And buried
♪ Dead, dead
♪ Dead
♪ Asthma attack in a purple haze ♪
♪ Your cards are numbered
♪ And so are my days
♪ The living ain't easy
♪ The living ain't clean
♪ Just makes me feel plain obscene ♪
♪ Know what I mean
♪ Dead and buried