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Hello.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well...
He was my dad.
Right.
Also...
I came to see you.
We're gonna have to get you enrolled in school here, I guess.
It's winter break.
Oh, right.
Is dad...
Grandpa... Really gone forever?
Yeah.
He is.
Thanks. Have a dandy day.
Do we have to come here every day?
We don't come here every day.
Well, we were here yesterday,
and the day before yesterday,
and the day before the day before yesterday,
three more hours.
- I've finished this one. - Well, go get another one.
Hey, Jessie.
- Looking good. - Hey.
- Just the gas? - Yeah.
Wanna... Get together tonight?
I can't.
You can't?
I'll make it worth your while.
Thanks, but, I'm busy.
But thanks.
Come on. Change your plans.
- I can't. - I want to see you.
I can't.
What the fuck?
I'm all set up.
My parents are out of town, it's like...
All set up.
Trip, it is not possible.
I am in the middle of something.
I am trying to... To get things right.
Oh.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Okay.
Whatever.
Jesus.
He's a fart face.
It's gonna break!
It's solid through!
Come here!
I can feel it moving!
It's not moving!
Look at me!
Have a little faith.
Have a little faith!
Do you have a Jack?
Do you have a six?
Go fish.
Do you have a ten?
Look who's winning!
So how you doing?
My dad died.
It's so weird.
Were you guys even close?
He was my dad.
Yeah, I get it.
He was an asshole, but,
he was always there.
I need something to take the edge off.
- I get it. - That's all.
I get it. I get it. I got you covered.
Jessie.
We need to go shopping.
Jessie.
Have a nice day.
♪ Falling faster now ♪
♪ Falling faster into sleep ♪
Hey, Emma. What you up to?
Waiting for Jessie to get up.
It's, like, almost 12:00.
Maybe you should just go get her up.
I already tried, three times. She won't get up.
I don't think she wants to. She's gonna be mad.
God damn it!
Jessie, don't, fucking... do this to me!
Do not do this!
It's okay.
Breathe, god damn it. Come on. Come on.
- What did she take?
I don't know. I don't live here.
I just came by to check on her, and I saw her like that.
- What does she usually take? - I don't know.
- I thought she was clean. - Okay, bring it down.
All right.
Hello.
- Hi. - Oh, my god.
You've gotten so big.
Hi, dad.
Hi, Jess.
How was the drive up?
We got lost three times,
and we did two circles before we could find your road.
But we finally got here, didn't we?
You are off the beaten path.
Yeah.
We really like it a lot out here.
Do you want to come in? I'll give you a tour.
I'm already running late.
She's gonna be okay with you, right?
It's just one night.
Yes.
We're gonna be great.
We're gonna have so much fun catching up, right?
Yep.
Are you thirsty? I have some grape juice.
Sure.
I'm so glad you're here.
Look at this hair.
It's just like mine was when I was little.
Were you sick?
I'm feeling much better now.
What's that?
A hammock.
Go try it out if you want.
Okay.
What took you so long?
Miko's dicking me around.
I was playing cat and mouse for a half an hour.
- What, again? - Yeah, he's falling apart.
I got it all, though.
I got a bunch of deliveries waiting on me.
Hi, Emma.
What you doing?
I'm swinging.
Wow.
You really are becoming a woman, aren't you?
Jesus.
It's like time on speed.
- Better? - Hmm...
My baby's gotten so big.
I should have woken her up earlier, right?
Hey. It's not your fault.
She fucked up.
Is she gonna die?
Nah.
Morning.
Coffee?
I'm gonna go into the hospital today, see your mom.
Maybe she woke up.
She's sleeping?
Yeah, they, um...
A deep sleep.
Deep sleep.
Like, dead sleep?
No.
Deep sleep like... coma...
Sleep.
What's coma sleep?
It's sleep.
Just for a while.
I'll bring you news.
Are you Rick's girlfriend now?
Yep.
Rick's my man.
Do you know my mom?
I know her.
She was Rick's girlfriend before.
I know.
She's in the hospital.
I know.
Rick said she's not gonna die.
- I think it's stuck. - It ain't stuck.
Pull back, not down.
Yank that baby back.
Holy cow. Let's go!
- Is it cocked? - Yeah, it's cocked.
- Are you sure? - Hey, careful with that.
That's ready to shoot.
Straighten your arms.
Grip it tight.
Ready, aim...
Fire.
Holy fuck!
You hit that! You hit it.
I hit it!
♪ Ooh, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it ♪
♪ hit it, I hit it ♪
Pew! Pew pew!
Pew pew pew pew.
Never seen such a lucky shot.
Pew pew.
- Pew pew... - There's a squirrel. Shoot it.
Hey, hey!
What are you doing?
You're blind.
Come on! Get off of me.
Okay, hold it over the flame.
Hold the spoon?
Yep, the spoon over the flame.
Closer.
You said we were gonna cook.
We're cooking, babe!
I want to cook cookies.
We're gonna do that after.
We just gotta finish this first.
- The spoon's getting hot. - Don't drop it.
Look, we're almost there.
See how it's starting to bubble around the edges?
It looks like maple syrup.
Mm-hmm! It's my special syrup.
Mm...
Good girl.
Nice job.
Mmm...
Okay...
What's an "oz"?
Hmm...
I don't know.
Like the wizard?
An "oz" of butter.
Oh.
I'm not sure.
Just put in the stick.
A stick like one of these whole ones?
Just put that whole thing in there.
Oh, I have to melt it.
How do I turn this on?
I need to melt an oz of butter.
You said you'd help me!
One.
Two.
Three.
Don't think too hard, now.
Did you see smoke coming out of my ears?
You're gonna hurt yourself.
All right, I'm taking the middle east
from Afghanistan, so who's got it?
I got the middle east.
You're going. You're going down.
You fucking terrorist. Just grab the dice.
Who you calling a fucking terrorist,
you Isis slob? You're history, Rick.
Whatever. Play the game.
Ahh!
Take two. Back in your hole, akbar.
Hey, calm down, man.
Fuck Isis.
That's not even where Afghanistan is.
This map is grossly inaccurate.
And you would know.
Yeah, that is right. I would know.
I'd never put my guys there.
You couldn't pay me to put my guys there.
Hey, okay, I've got all of the United States.
Who wants to wrestle me for it?
- I'll take you on. - You're on.
- All right. - Wrestle?
You're disturbing him in his...
No, stop it, don't fight.
Mmm.
♪ Falling further down ♪
♪ falling faster into sleep ♪
They're ready!
Ooh! Cookies.
Just like my mama used to make.
De-fucking-licious.
Thank you.
Do you want a cookie?
Yeah, sure.
They're good.
I made them myself.
Chips ahoy usually do me.
Maybe, uh, the elf dude.
Elf dude?
The keebler elf.
Keebler...
Lonnie, give the girl a beer. She's earned it.
Nothing beats homemade.
Girl scouts, motherfucker.
Thanks.
Gross.
All right, I'll take it,
if you're not gonna drink it.
Giving you her beers, making you cookies.
Got yourself a fine little woman there, Rick.
What else does she do?
Leave her alone. Jesus.
What?
You look like your mom.
She says I look like my dad.
He's lame. That's what she says.
How'd you get those marks?
Dinosaur bite.
I thought dinosaurs were instinct.
You thought wrong.
Is it scaly?
Touch it.
It's smooth.
Mm-hmm.
You like it?
- Is it yours? - Sure is.
Hey...
I'm gonna go on a ride now...
If you want to come along.
Where's Jessie?
She's taking a nap.
So, you coming?
Okay.
You all right back there?
Yep.
Hold on tight.
I gotta talk to my friend for a minute.
You stay here.
Can I come with you?
Dennis the menace.
How's it going?
It goes.
- Who's this? - Emma.
Emma, this is Dennis the menace.
I gotta give Dennis something. You stay here.
What took so long?
- Just shit. - Dude...
Can I look at stuff?
Hell yeah, knock yourself out.
What you doing, ladybug?
Where you going?
You look very nice today.
I like your polka dots.
Hi!
What are you doing under here?
Emma, come on.
Where were you? You took so long.
I was inside. Let's go.
Look what I found. Isn't it cute?
You want that?
Can I?
Take it.
- But... - Quick, before he comes out.
Now let's split.
Wait, I don't think I should take it.
I can keep a secret.
- Can you? - Yeah.
Then we got nothing to worry about.
Don't be scared, okay?
It's gonna turn out all fine in the end.
- You holding on? - Yep.
♪ Mama's little kitten loves cat food, cat food ♪
♪ mama's little kitten loves ca-at food ♪
♪ make the cat food, put it in a bag ♪
♪ send it to us as fast as you can ♪
♪ mama's little kitten loves cat food, cat food ♪
♪ mama's little kitten loves ca-at food ♪
Ahh...
When I'm talking about courage,
I'm not talking about superhero stuff.
But rather, courage to face life's everyday challenges.
It's these choices that show us if we're courageous,
or if we're cowards.
It's choosing between what's right,
and what is convenient.
It's choosing our convictions...
Over comfort.
Please rise for the prayer to Saint Michael.
St. Michael the archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May god rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou, oh prince of the heavenly host,
by the power of god, thrust into hell Satan
and the other evil spirits who prowl about the world
for the ruin of our souls. Amen.
The body of Christ.
The blood of Christ.
The body of Christ.
The blood of Christ.
Amen.
The body of Christ.
The blood of Christ.
Morality for $700.
Honoring or revering power,
pleasure, money, or another creature in place of god.
Idol worship.
- Sacred heart. - What is idol worship?
That's it.
Morality for 900.
The commandment that forbids greed
and the desire to amass earthly goods
that belong to another.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.
What is the tenth commandment?
The tenth commandment is correct.
Now let's see. With only one question left,
the team from St. Mary's parish has 1,700...
Ask to be excused.
- Excused? - From the table. Sit down.
The answer is, this is required to keep the sabbath day holy.
St. Mary's.
What is bringing our everyday work...
Um... may I be excused?
Yes, you may.
That's right!
The team from St. Mary's goes on to our bonus round!
Nice try, sacred heart. Came up just a bit short.
S-So...
Good night, then.
Good night, Lonnie.
You can call me...
Daddy, I guess.
Yeah.
Did you tuck her in?
Yeah, I did it.
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of america,
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation, under god, indivisible,
with Liberty and justice for all.
You sure you don't want some?
No, I can't eat bacon.
Why?
I'm Muslim.
Why can't you eat bacon if you're Muslim?
I just can't.
Hmm.
Catholics are allowed to eat everything.
I don't think I could be Muslim.
You're a catholic?
Yeah, well, my family is, so I think I am, too.
We even eat the body of Christ.
Isn't that cannibalism?
I don't know. But his blood is really gross.
Hey!
Emma.
I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?
Nothing.
How's it going now?
Okay.
Hey, uh...
You want to maybe...
Help me run a little errand?
- What is it? - It's super easy, you'll see.
There's a hot fudge sundae in it for you.
Okay.
Get in.
Wait here.
Hi.
Come here.
Can you get that?
You're really pretty.
Thanks.
Don't move.
Look at me.
Don't blink.
I never got to wear makeup until I was 15.
Oh... oh, my god.
All right, we ready to go?
Holy shit.
Come on, let's go.
Bye.
You gonna eat that cherry?
The cherry's for last.
Mmm.
How old are you?
None of your beeswax.
I'm just saying.
I'm interested.
Interested in what?
So, uh...
I'm sorry about your mom.
Thanks for the sundae.
Sure.
Looks like you guys got everything under control here,
so, uh, I'm gonna go.
You gonna be all right?
Uh-huh.
I'm glad you're back.
Environmental pressures can also change.
But as long as variation in a population exists,
new adaptations can occur.
Where's the can opener?
Do you have a...
two?
Two...
Two.
Sweet dreams.
She knows the way. She does it every day.
You gotta walk her.
I got nothing to say.
Then just walk! Now get out.
What's the point?
I'm taking you to school.
Okay.
Why didn't you want to be my dad?
I do want to be your dad.
I'm here, we're walking.
I know, but, I mean...
Why didn't you want to be my dad when I was born?
I was going to war.
Who were you in war with?
Terrorists.
Didn't you want to know me a little bit, though?
From the war?
It's different there.
It's empty, it's a desert. It's just...
Just sand and heat.
You forget about everything else.
Well, when did you get back?
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of america,
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation, under god, indivisible,
with Liberty and justice for all.
You're so lucky.
I want one so bad.
The tooth fairy gave it to me.
Seriously? The tooth fairy only gave me five bucks
and you got a phone.
I got earrings last time. They were pretty nice,
but I'd still rather have a phone.
What does the fairy do with the teeth?
I mean, maybe the fairy has hundreds and thousands
and millions of teeth just lying around.
Where does she put them?
I'm just saying.
What does the fairy do with all the teeth?
Her mom's a retard and her dad's crazy.
That's why she's a perv.
Oh, my god.
Oh!
Hey. What's wrong?
- Just don't... don't look back. - Mrs. Pinkins!
Mrs. Pinkins!
"The goldberg
"is the strangest eel in the sea.
"It lives in the cold, dark ocean depths.
"It gulps down anything that swims in its way.
"Eels are long, slim, snake-like fish.
The eels in tropical waters have spots and..."
I think they're coming.
I'm so sorry, Cathy.
She'll get a good talking-to.
You can be sure about that.
Say you're sorry.
I am so sorry. I...
I have to go pee.
It's not that hard to say. Just say the words. "Sorry."
But I'm not.
Sometimes you just say it anyway,
and take the high road.
When Jesus was slapped across the face,
what did he do?
Did he slap back?
No, he did not slap back.
He turned the other cheek for more,
because Jesus...
Jesus is love.
Well, if Jesus is love,
then why did he want to be slapped?
Because he's strong in his love.
- - And he can absorb the punishment.
He takes it on himself
to relieve others of their hate.
Wait, so instead of punching Haley, I should...
Let her punch me?
No.
You're not a very smart one, are you?
Jesus died for your sins.
You know that, don't you?
Um, yeah?
Well, all right, then.
And your mama did not abort you.
She kept you going.
What does "abort" mean?
That's when you're murdered
before you're even born into this world.
Where is my mom?
Well, she, uh...
She got herself screwed up because she was weak.
And, uh...
She did not follow the ways of god.
- - Does Lonnie follow the ways of god?
Well, he's trying.
He's kind of screwed up, too, but, um, he's trying.
Because of terrorists?
Well, maybe because of that.
Or maybe because he's just not praying hard enough.
You can't just pray.
You gotta pray hard.
Did you, uh, finish up your chores?
Yep.
I heard something happened at school today.
So...
What would you like to confess?
Well, um...
Haley's not a very nice person,
so... I punched her.
But, I'm not really entirely totally sure
that it's a sin.
'Cause she's a jerk face.
Do you want to get into heaven?
Yes.
Then you need to truly repent.
Okay, but, she deserved it, and that's the real truth.
Also, Sadie said that Jesus turned the other cheek,
and Haley didn't turn the other cheek,
but she did get punched once,
so she is absorbing the hate like Jesus did.
So maybe that was helpful for her, actually.
To be like Jesus?
We're talking about your soul here, not Haley's.
The way to get into heaven after
is to repent now.
You don't want to be standing at the gates of hell
wishing you had just said your penance, do you?
No.
Well...
Then...
You owe god 40 hail Marys.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of god, pray for us sinners...
Hey, I lost a tooth today.
Oh, you're growing up.
No doubt about it.
Should we celebrate with the tooth fairy?
How about we celebrate with my special grilled cheese?
Take this to the boys.
Dinner's ready.
Look, I lost a tooth today.
Wow. Radical.
Move! You're blocking the target.
- Comin' around that tree. - Yeah, I see.
Twitch him.
Turn that thing off. We're praying.
Turn that off.
And wait until the "amen."
Dear lord...
Help us to ward off the devil, for he is real.
And show us your face, lord...
For we will not forget it once we have seen it.
- Amen. - Amen.
Not too bad.
83 hits.
27 kills.
Dear god,
please save my soul from going into hell.
Help my mom find me.
And...
Tell the fairy to come get my tooth.
Amen.
Here we go.
Cha cha cha.
How you guys doing?
How you doing at home?
One...
Now we're gonna take the swivel side, and cross over.
Five.
One more time, let's do these side crosses.
Back to mambo.
Front, cha cha cha.
Back. Front.
Cross it over.
Now let's cut that in half.
Two mambos.
Cross over.
March in place.
Now we're gonna change it again. Walk forward.
Forward shimmy. Here we go.
Looking good right there.
You go back.
Add your hair, your flavor.
Are we doing communion?
Put that all together.
The world is shit.
Five, from the mambo.
Cha cha cha.
It's better you know that now
than to have to find out later.
Forward.
Shimmy.
Going back.
Now we're gonna march in place.
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of america,
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation, under god, indivisible,
with Liberty and justice for all.
I wonder how rocks are made.
Maybe they're made from, like, boulders.
Or, like, statues or something.
Are you saying that rocks make statues?
I'm saying that statues make rocks.
Maybe.
This is my mom's house.
Uh...
Boost me up.
I'm going in.
Where the fuck were you?
I almost called the police.
What?
- Hi... - I didn't know what to do.
What are you, brain dead?
Don't you ever go there.
Are you sure that you're okay, Emma?
Yeah, we went to a garage sale. Look what I got.
She wanted to go for a ride, I took her for a ride.
You were gone for four hours.
You cannot even begin to imagine the shit
that has been going through my head.
What is with the cat?
It's a kitten.
"It's a kitten."
Isn't he cute? I'm naming him ace.
How could you take her without telling me?
You were sleeping. She's fine.
Emma, you thirsty?
Yep. So's ace.
Don't worry about her.
I need you to swear on your mother or god
or whatever you swear on...
Your bike, for fuck's sake...
That you didn't touch her.
You are sick.
You're sick in the head, you know that?
I don't understand. I don't understand.
I don't understand why you were gone for four hours.
I just... I just... I don't understand.
That's all, shit.
Jessie. Jessie.
Shut your fucking mouth.
I'm not gonna say it again.
I'm not trying to make you mad.
I just want to know where my little girl was.
I took her to Dennis's.
I told you I had drops to do.
- Dennis?! - She had a blast.
Are you insane?
And you bought her a kitten.
No, she stole the kitten.
You're starting to make me angry.
I just... I don't understand.
That's all. I don't... I don't understand.
Stop whining.
Stop whining at me!
Sweet kitty, sweet kitty.
Shh, shh...
God damn it!
And are you getting to know your dad, then?
Um...
Yeah.
Mr. Pilsko?
Have you been spending some quality time together?
He tucked her in.
He... he... walked her to school one day.
Uh, they're getting acquainted, in god's own good rhythm.
That sounds nice.
Um...
So, what did you talk about on the way to school?
Terrorists.
Uh, okay.
Dear lord...
Good night.
I told you not to go in there.
I would have shot 'em.
Fuck!
Lonnie, I'm coming in.
Lonnie?
Come here. Aah!
Lonnie,
you gotta calm down now.
Get 'em off of me!
He's not right in the head.
Like my mom?
- Stay over there. - Surrender!
Honey, I'm coming in.
- Aw, god! - You hear me?
Lord god in heaven!
- Aw, fuck! - Protect us from his sickness.
Surrender!
- What? - Lonnie's at it again.
I'm coming over.
- I can go more! - Bring it over, and hurry.
Where are you?
Now, you run away. You run out that door
and you stay away until it's all over.
- I'm in my nightgown! - Get out, now!
Go, far away!
- And pray for us! - Now I see you.
Get out of there, you fucking haji.
Come on!
I'm beyond despair! Aah!
This is your mama talking to you.
- Shit. - Hurry!
He'll do it finally. Have you got something?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got something.
Lon! Lon, man.
- Get the fuck out! - Hey, it's me.
Man, I'm here, I got your h.
I'll finish you!
Lon?
Lon, friend, not foe.
Here's Rick, coming in, all right?
I'm coming in.
Don't you fucking shoot me.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of god,
pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death, amen.
Hail fairy, full of grace, the lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of god,
pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death, amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee.
Blessed... blessed...
Blessed art thou among women.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of god, pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death, amen.
He's calm now.
You go in there and you comfort him.
Close your eyes.
Why did you get so upset?
I've seen...
Terrible things...
That I can't unsee.
And I...
I love this country, you know.
Me too.
Tu eres.
Elle, Ella, usted, es.
Nosotros, nosotras, somos.
Vosotros, vosotras, sois.
Ellos, ellas, ustedes, son.
So, you'll be the terrorist, and I'll be wonder woman.
What do I have to do?
Well, I'm gonna have to tie you up.
Oh.
Hold this.
Put your feet up here.
Do muslims speak Spanish?
No, but I can speak a few words of arabic.
Well, this one can't speak English,
so you can only communicate with bird calls.
Muslims speak English.
No, not this one.
This one only uses the bird language.
I can't speak bird.
You're a terrorist. You speak bird.
What, like, "chirp chirp"?
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that
if you want to communicate with your people.
You're my captive now.
Don't try and resist.
Look, this is lame. Untie me.
Okay, mister, I'm gonna need you to settle down
and listen real careful-like.
What the heck?
Now stop squirming, and beg for your life in bird.
Don't shoot.
Beg.
Please?
In bird.
Now promise me you'll always be my friend
and love me forever and ever no matter what.
Okay.
You're not a traitor, are you?
Okay, well,
break's over.
Gotta go.
Wait...
Wait, Emma.
Wait, where are you going?
Emma!
Let's go, let's go!
No wet noodles.
Keep it up.
Untie me.
- Ask in... - Untie me!
All right, calm down.
It was just a joke!
Lonnie, why don't you say the prayer tonight?
A full tank of chemicals
into your toilet bowl.
But the little blue elephant stays around to clean 24/7.
Even streaks are no match
for the powerful little blue elephant.
Jesus...
You heal the sinner of their sins.
Here's how it works.
Six ounces of fresh water
passes through the little blue elephant
and brings the cleaning chemistry
down the refill valve into the toilet bowl.
If I had you in front of me right now
I'd ask you why there's so much dark shit all around.
Language.
And no tools are required.
It really works. I love the little blue elephant.
Drop-in toilet tablets only last for a week or two
and they can damage the internal parts of...
Sometimes...
Sometimes life feels...
I like life.
Amen.
Does god ever go on vacation?
Sometimes...
It feels like god's on vacation but he's always here.
He watches everything we do.
Is god... fictional?
Why would you say that?
God is as real as you or me or any of us.
Are fairies real?
Fairies don't exist.
Maybe you're getting them confused with angels,
- who come down from heaven... - Ghosts are real.
I'll tell you what's real.
Demons are real.
And that's why we need Jesus.
Because it's a war...
And we gotta win it.
An incredible value, so order now.
Good night.
Good night...
Daddy.
Tomorrow will be better.
That's what they say.
Okay.
So, uh...
You like life, huh?
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
Okay.
Good night.