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and bring me everything you've got
because every single point will
matter in this game.
Let's get this fucking one in the
first half. Let's put some points on
in the second half. Big effort please gentlemen.
Big effort.
Steelers on three.
3, 2, 1. Steelers!
SIMON: Rugby is a really welcoming sport.
It's just that those of us
who are gay
we're still like, we just peering out the door
We're like, are you sure it's safe to come out?
Are you sure?
NIC: We pigeonhole people and we
keep on, you know, perpetuating
those cycles of male hegemony that says
that we have to be heterosexual.
We have to act in this way.
This is what a sportsman looks like.
And actually, no.
This is not what a sportsman looks like.
DREW: There's this element of being a rugby player
even as a gay rugby player
that there's a certain masculinity that you need
to maintain.
To me, that's bollocks.
You know, I will be tough and brutal
and kick your arse on the pitch.
When I'm off the pitch
I will be as flagrant
and as flamboyant as I want.
EAMMON: This is me.
Twelve years old.
Joining my first rugby club in Australia.
And this is me now.
I'm a reporter and a cameraman
so I'm used to telling stories
but I've never told one
this personal.
For me, this isn't just a story
about being gay.
It's not even a story about playing
rugby.
It's a story about struggle,
acceptance
searching for happiness
and finding a place to belong.
Around the time this photo was taken
I guess I started to realise that I was gay
and for me, it was a struggle.
It was also the same time that the
kids at school figured it out.
Poofta, faggot, fudge packer.
These were the names I was pretty much called
on a daily basis.
The bullying was unrelenting.
That was 20 years ago now, but I can
still remember the shame
that I carried on my shoulders.
The fear and the anxiety
that my family would find out.
In fact, this rugby club was the only
place where I wasn't getting bullied.
Here I wasn't the gay kid.
Here, I was the total second-rower
who was good at scoring tries.
It was the mid 90s.
Around that very same time something
was happening on the other side of
the world in London that would
drastically change my life
and the lives of thousands of others.
A group of friends were having a drink in a pub
in London's King's Cross
and they came up with what was
at the time a radical idea
to start the world's first
gay rugby club.
And that's how the Kings Cross Steelers was born.
MATT: You know, the Steelers were the first gay rugby team
in the world.
We've been in this tournament many times.
We've got as far as we have now
but we've never won it.
So to be part of the team that
is the first team from the Steelers
to win the Bingham Cup
would be incredible.
EAMMON: In their first season the
boys were trying to line up fixtures
against straight teams across England.
They sent out 130 invitations.
But would you believe only 20 came back.
It was a different world back then.
As for straight rugby players, well,
they were worried about catching HIV on the pitch.
But the boys didn't give up.
And without knowing it
they had started something big.
Flash forward two decades from that single team
there are now 60 gay clubs around the world
and every two years they meet
for the Bingham Cup.
And this year it's in Amsterdam.
NIC: We can do this.
But if we do this
it'll be against all the odds.
EAMMON: It's the World Cup of gay rugby
and over the next three days
that's where this story takes place.
NIC: Okay, so listen up.
A couple of things that I want us to
think about now
is that we really switched on and we're a squad.
EAMMON: And even though the Steelers were the first gay rugby club
they've never won this tournament.
And these boys are their biggest competition this week:
The Sydney Convicts.
Player: I could feel their trepidation.
I could feel their eyes like darting from player to player
Thinking: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit ...
I could feel it, you know.
Rob: So it's just putting some pressure on them
and hopefully breaking them down.
But everything is on them.
There's no pressure on us whatsoever.
Steelers. Steelers.
NIC: Well, tomorrow we've got the Convicts
and they're pretty much
what this team feel are
one of the main competitors and
that's our first game up.
So we have to have our heads on
first thing.
EAMMON: So in this story, there are
three people I want you to meet:
Simon
Drew
and Nic, the head coach.
NIC: When something goes wrong,
you're just going to POG it.
So you're going to 'Play Our Game'.
Do you like that?
I've thought about that for a while.
EAMMON: Nic's been the Director of Rugby
for 3 years at the Steelers.
NIC: So go and tell that person
about something they did really good
None of this banter about putting
each other down right now, OK?
I have a lot of secret nerves that I
try to keep as far away from the boys.
I feel like I'm there with them.
So I pick up all of those player nerves.
So I get that sicky tummy.
I get all those kind of feelings as
if I'm about to walk on the pitch.
EAMMON: And after this tournament,
Nic is stepping down as the head coach.
NIC: That's kind of the end
of my journey,
really, is to watch them play their best.
EAMMON: Bit emotional?
NIC: Yeah. EAMMON: How come?
NIC: Because...
I've been with them for three years.
And some of the boys ...
been on that journey for three years.
And we were rubbish.
I mean
we got tonked.
We had ...
we, we had
70, 80 points put on us when I first
came to the club
and, um
I've watched players
grow.
So ...
And what I found was
my first year, not so much now,
but in my first year,
I found that I had these really great players
who had a real lack of self belief.
It's like:
'I can be a really confident gay person,
and I can be really confident in the club,
and I can be really confident with my friends,
and I'm a brilliant person in the workplace,
and I'm a super successful businessman.
But on the sport's pitch that doesn't belong to me.
This is not my home.
Can I stop you here?
Every single one of you
have put a 'but' into your conversation.
Cut that out now because
we're here to look at our positives
because actually we want
to work on our really good stuff.
SIMON: If we get that right here
that will take us a long way.
We started to get it going.
Player: Simon?
NIC: So I think I spent my first year really
just confirming
to them that
they do belong
that they're sportsmen,
that they are entitled to their
place on the pitch.
So I feel emotional because
I've seen that growth
in these human beings.
And I love my sport.
And I think it's done so many
brilliant things for me
so to see
it do brilliant things for them
just makes me really happy.
Happy?!
Told you I'd cry, ay?
Getting it out in front of you, not in front
of the players.
Kept my cool earlier in
the team talk.
ROB: One last thing. Bingham tradition
for the Steelers.
Get your toes out boys. Toes now a painting.
EAMMON: So before the tournament kicks off
first thing's first.
ROB: No excuses. Blue and green. No excuses.
(upbeat music)
NIC: I would even allow you to do mine.
Awesome.
(laughter)
EAMMON: So I never wore nail polish as a kid
but I loved dressing up in my mom's clothes
and I always wore pink.
So the signs were definitely there.
But the happy kid that I see in these photos
didn't stay happy for long.
So here I am editing this documentary
and I don't have any pictures
to go over the next bit.
One of my first gay experiences
happened when I was 16.
It was with a boy from one of my sports classes
He invited me for a sleepover.
We drank.
We ended up messing around.
And without me knowing it
he set up a camera in the corner of the
room and was filming it.
I remember what happened
pretty vividly.
It was a Friday afternoon at school.
I'd just finished class and I was
walking back to the dorm in
my boarding school
and it was like a scene from a movie.
People were looking at me,
whispering, sniggering.
Someone yelled out this boy's surname at me
and was laughing.
The blood started rushing to my face.
My world was spinning.
It was almost like I was floating outside my body
having this kind of out of body experience.
This was the moment I was going to be outed.
I went into the room in my boarding house
and I tried to stay calm.
And finally someone told me what had happened.
This boy had come to school with the videotape
and shown it.
And this was probably one of
the worst moments in my life
being outed at an all boys school.
I was so desperate for help that
I called my dad and said
that we were drunk and messing around.
He went down to the boy's parent's
house and destroyed the tape.
And I'll be forever grateful for him
for doing that.
And we didn't really
talk about whether I was gay or not.
I certainly didn't bring it up.
But the bullying went from bad to worse.
Before I was just surviving
and now I felt like
I was drowning.
SIMON: Is the sound working?
Are we ready to go?
We're going to start? Are you rolling?
- Yeah - Oh, we're rolling?
Okay.
EAMMON: So Simon is the second person I want you to meet.
Until recently, he played rugby
at a fairly high level in Birmingham
and north London.
But he wasn't out.
SIMON: I was a guy who knew from the
age of about 10 years old that
he was attracted to the same
sex that decided
very early that that was just not a thing.
I just didn't see how I could come out
and still do what I wanted to do.
I didn't really know I was in a struggle
until
Yeah, I decided that, you know,
obviously people settle down
and start getting married and ...
Yeah, I um.
Yeah.
I guess I um ...
I changed my mind and it was
kind of weird, like, to have
this whole life philosophy that had worked.
I was happy.
And I was like, yeah, privately I knew that I was gay
but I was like: I'm going to be the uncle and the
best friend and the son.
And I don't need a relationship.
And it's weird. I used to look at --
sounds so childlike, but because
this view was formed when I was a kid.
We got a black labrador when I was 12
and I used to always say
Rolo doesn't need a partner,
like he's happy just bouncing around
and goes for a walk in the park.
So I always say,
I based my life decisions around
the black labrador family pet,
right?
Which is strange.
EAMMON: Two years ago, Simon realised it was time
to be his true self.
SIMON: When I went through the process of trying to
you know, deciding I wanted to come out as gay
I was shocked by
how much
there was built in.
And it was.
It was ... obviously a lot of it was in me
that I didn't know, you know.
Trying to think ... telling my little brother ... it was
we went for a walk up and down the river
My little brother is the most welcoming guy.
There's no way he's gonna have a problem with it.
I really struggled.
And we were walked up and down
up and down.
I walk like one more walk, one more walk, one more walk.
And
I just couldn't say the words.
And I was ahhh.
Even though at this point
I'm thinking he must know what I'm about to say, right?
But he wouldn't do it for me.
In the end after about literally an hour and a half
I said Tom, I said you've
you've got a gay brother and it's not Dave,
that's all I could say, our older brother.
And he was, yeah.
He said I'm really
I'm really happy because
he recognised that wasn't the start.
That was the
I guess the um
culmination of a lot of thinking
over the previous 12 or 18 months.
EAMMON: But as Simon took his first
steps out of the closet, he tripped.
He'd fallen in love with a childhood friend
a straight guy, who we'll call Jack.
Jack said some things that he
probably didn't think about how it
would impact SIMON
and they cut very deep.
EAMMON : Did that lead to the other sort of stuff
like the depression?
Or feed into it at least?
SIMON: Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
EAMMON: Simon's being very worried
about this part of the documentary
because he doesn't want to blame
Jack.
He understands it was a difficult
situation for both of them.
Jack was brought up to believe that
being gay was unnatural and wrong.
But nonetheless, his words had
a very big impact.
SIMON: Then ...
I ...
I found, I found ... um ...
I found the road from there a lot
harder than I expected.
ALEX: This week is a special
time for our club.
We've got six teams.
We are the biggest component of this tournament.
We're going to go out and give it
our absolute best.
NIC: And I just want to say
just love every moment that you're on the pitch.
And then Sunday night, just go wild.
(group cheers)
NIC: So we got a sixth place last time
And I believe with the set
of players that we have and the team
that we have
that we're in with a chance
to actually come away with a win.
Stop no pictures, no pictures.
ROB: This is where it starts. First game.
NIC: There's a few players that the nerves are
overtaking them a little bit.
But I'm trying to keep them
keep them nice and low.
Keep them calm.
Nerves?
Should be buzzing.
Good nerves. They're good nerves.
ALEX: So starting line up.
Drew McDowell at loose head prop.
NIC: I think they're all worrying
because this is their main competition.
So if they keep everything really positive
they'll focus on their strengths and
not let the kind of, um ...
that kind of voice
talk them down.
EAMMON: So game one.
The Sydney Convicts.
The Steelers need to win 3 of their first 4 round games
to make it to the semi-finals.
And this is set to be the toughest.
ROB: We are used to pressured games.
We are used to fucking contact.
EAMMON: The Steelers score first with a penalty goal.
But then the Convicts take the lead
with one try and then another.
Half time, we're down and points
and down a man with concussion.
ALEX: 20 minutes we've got here. PLAYER: We've done this before.
We've done this before and we're going to do it again!
You absolutely how it in you!
You've got more in that tank! More to give!
C'mon on!
EAMMON: Final score ... Sydney Convicts - 12
Kings Cross Steelers - 3.
NIC: I'm going to say one thing.
That shit show at the end
is not Steeler's way.
And if I see that one more time,
you're off the game, you're off the tournament
because you're not playing in my fucking team.
Okay?
I'm not having that bullshit.
We're at a tournament
with a brotherhood here.
Not having it.
Full stop.
Last word on that - number one.
Number two ...
we didn't trust our structure for about 18 minutes, okay?
We need to do what we're really good at, okay?
What we are really good at.
So we're going to learn from that.
We're gonna step up from that
because I'm disappointed
you're disappointed
and there's plenty more in the tank.
OK?
NIC: I think that I
probably give out
this really fearsome (laughs)
I would say I'm probably a fierce
female.
And so I might
just slightly terrify
a couple of people.
And that's OK, because
I kind of quite like that fierce
female part.
But those people that
spend time trying to get to know me
realise actually
I'm a bit of a pussy cat.
NIC: You are a fantastic team.
Believe in your structure.
Believe in the way that we play
rugby the Steelers way.
SIMON: We decided just before kick off
we're going to throw the first game
so we can stay undercover
so these boys think that they got us
but they haven't.
Nah, they came at us
with a lot of physicality.
DREW: But I think if we keep building on through
tournament, each game,
keep working through our structures,
we'll see Convicts in the final and
then get a second chance at it.
PLAYER: Beaten by my old team.
So that's never a good thing.
Put some good play together in the second half and hopefully we can
come up against them in the final.
Fuck!
EAMMON: So while the players recover,
NIC snuck away to play a quick game herself.
The last time she wore rugby boots,
she was playing for Wales.
NIC: I think I've gone a bit crazy
and decided to come out of retirement.
- How many years? - Six years.
- So who are you playing for and what position?
- I'm not sure. We're just playing 10s.
I'm playing where ever I'm put.
- Oh God! Is it a big deal for you? - No, well, yeah maybe.
- Good luck. - We'll see.
EAMMON: So how does a gay woman
come to coach a gay men's rugby club?
NIC: Okay, so Gilbert Evans ...
born, bred Caerphilly.
Played rugby, football and cricket.
Refereed in later life.
Treasurer of Caerphilly Rugby Club.
Hugely disappointed that I was a girl
and told me so in no uncertain terms when I was about 12
and I was the only grandchild
so he was stuck with me at that point.
My brother and sister came along a bit later on.
And informed me that in his disappointment
that he'd have to put up with it
and that he's decided to pretend
that I am a boy on a Saturday afternoon.
So I got my first season ticket to Cardiff Rugby Club
aged twelve when I went to senior school.
From the age of 12, my grandfather took me.
I was allowed to swear once we got through the stalls.
But as soon as we got through the turnstiles on the way out,
no more swearing.
And he stood by my side
for
seven years and
taught me the referee's perspective,
taught me the fullback's perspective,
the ten's perspective,
and just talked me through the rugby match.
He taught me why that penalty happened,
what was happening in that ruck,
why was that scrum pulled down.
And he just ...
he loved sharing that knowledge with me.
And we had just this connection.
So age 17,
I got my first car
and literally the first thing I did
was drive on a Tuesday night down to rugby.
So this game that I knew
inside out
I'd never played.
So possibly one of the most exciting nights of my life.
And at the time, I was about eight stone
so a little bit smaller.
And I played on the wing
and I just I thought this is the best thing in the world.
So
I played at university.
Then I went off to the university
and I got into the university team
I came home at Christmas
and my grandfather said to me,
"Ah, I'm just so ashamed of myself"
And I said why grandad? And he was like,
"Oh, your grandmother's got it in for me, it's all my fault."
I said, what's happened?
"You're going to get breast cancer."
I'm like what do you mean I'm going to get breast cancer?
He's like, "Well, all those tackling.
Is there anything you can have, like chest pads?"
I'm like, I'm not going to get breast cancer
from rugby.
He's like, "Yeah but you're going to
take all those hits to your breasts."
I'm like, you really do not need to be worrying
about my breasts.
My breasts are all good.
And he's like, "And your teeth.
You've got such nice teeth."
So was he was super disappointed.
And he blamed himself for my
love of rugby.
So
he had a major stroke as I went to university.
And he spent the rest of his life,
twelve years, in a nursing home.
So
my first Six Nations playing for Wales --
and I cried then too by the way.
I'm a cryer --
And I line up against Ireland
and I look up
and my nan is there, and she's only four foot ten.
So there's this tiny little woman,
with this massive scarf and a big wolly hat
watching me, waving at me.
And
she come up to me at the end of the game
and she's like, "Your grandfather
would have been just so proud of you right now.
He never said it
because he was always a bit frightened
you were going to get hurt,
but he'd be really proud of you."
So, he never got to see me play.
But
he's always with me
on the pitch, near the pitch.
So ... hence the reason
why I'm a rugby obsessed.
EAMMON: Do you think you feel him here
here with you this week?
NIC: Yes, and I think ...
he was immensely proud of all my achievements.
Anything that I did.
He would drive me anywhere.
He would fuel that passion.
So I think
for him to know
that so many years on
that he still fuels my passion.
I think ... that's pretty special, isn't it?
DREW: I told you not to kill anyone.
NIC: I didn't.
I was nice. I played nice Evans.
COACH: You love a bit of constant infringing don't you?
In at the side, clobbering that bird.
- Still go it. Could've been a contender. - I wish.
EAMMON: You got so close at the end.
- My God. That was so good. - Ahhh! I should've scored.
- NIC, how was that? - Horrendous.
I can remember why I retired now.
Oh well.
- But worth doing? - Yeah it was really nice to play in the Bingham Cup.
So, know what the boys feel like.
- What did it feel like?
Um really nervous.
First game in a long time.
Felt really nervous.
I just thought I'd mess it up for everybody.
- But you played awesome.
I didn't do very much.
It's good to get a few hits in.
- Thanks NIC.
EAMMON: Is your gran still alive?
NIC: Ahh, Yeah.
EAMMON: Do you think you call her after
and let her know how you go this week?
NIC: She's in hospital.
But she asks me about my boys.
So I tell her that I coach the gay men's rugby team
and she loves that.
She's like, oh, that's funny.
And I think I think she really loves that
because she always talks about the fact
that life was so different in her era.
I think
she loves the fact
that our society
now embrace gay people
and we're able to have these amazing things
like the Bingham Cup.
We're able to safely walk the streets of Amsterdam
and we're able to celebrate
our own sporting lives.
And I feel that's what Bingham is.
It's a celebration of gay sporting lives.
So I noticed that
I didn't have an American flag in our tent.
So I brought this
and then this is the Man of the Day award.
It's normally a skirt
but it would have been sacrilegious
to cover the flag.
EAMMON: what did you think of the guy
with the Spangled Banner Speedo.
CHRIS: Oh right. Ummm...
Yes that was quite an interesting outfit.
I wonder he'll wear to the closing party.
CASPAR: Oh you're wondering?
I don't want this.
Get this camera off.
My focus first and foremost is on the rugby.
- Yeah, exactly.
- But second...
EAMMON: speaking of which ...
time for the next game
the Emerald Warriors from Dublin.
NIC: We're going to go out there and play lots of attacking rugby
right from the off.
There's no taking anything for granted.
Just as many points.
Be my top pain in the arse today.
EAMMON: 73 - 0 to the Steelers.
They're back in the competition
and need just two more wins
if they have a chance of going all the way.
NIC: Thought you were fabulous.
Get some food on board as soon as possible.
PLAYER: Don't worry about that Nic.
Got some down here.
ROB: Louis, as you're a PE teacher
you can fucking launder the shirts.
So shirts off.
And also, last thing for me.
Where is he? Congratulations.
You scored more tries in this tournament
than your boyfriend.
ALL: AYYY!
EAMMON: Well, remember I said
there are three people I want you to meet?
Well, it's kind of four.
Drew and Drewalicious.
DREW: I think Drag just came along
as a bit of a fluke.
EAMMON: So, yes, apparently joining a gay rugby club
can turn you into a drag queen.
So Drew used to be in charge of
social events at the club
and one night before a big game
when they couldn't drink alcohol
he decided to swap the spirits for stilettos.
DREW: I was smaller than I am now,
but I was still quite stocky.
So to see three quite stocky rugby players
in heels and makeup doing a dance.
No one was expecting it.
So they were just absolutely floored.
And then I realised in that moment
I got to do multiple things that I love doing.
I got to dance.
I got to perform.
And I got to play a character.
I've created a persona as a drag queen
that is probably an extension of myself,
but just a very wild
and very kind of exaggerated sense.
And I was like,
how can I make this actually last
as long as possible?
Because I kind of love it.
I love being centre of attention.
Everyone knows I love being centre of attention.
And I think it's partly because I like making people laugh.
I like seeing people smile.
EAMMON: The Devalicious drag show
was so successful
that the club decided to put on a public event
and make it a fundraiser.
DREW: And I was like oh,
I'm possibly going to get nervous again.
And then the first song came on,
which was the first routine that we did in Manchester.
As soon as we got on stage,
I was like, no, no,
I love this.
Seeing 600 people just looking at me
owning the stage.
I was like, this is something I love.
I kind of soaked it up
and then I got off stage
and it was like I don't want to leave
and then I realised I don't have to
because I have four other acts.
So it's perfect!
EAMMON: And now it's turned
into an annual event
at the famous Heaven nightclub in London.
And there's even a spinoff.
Steeler's Drag Race.
Yep, these are all rugby players.
And they take it very seriously.
There's a reading challenge
which is kind of like a roast
A Lip-Sync for your life.
And of course, a Lip-Sync, for your legacy
to crown the winner.
The winner is 'Anya Knees'.
DREW: We had some pushback,
especially when we did Heaven
and we did a lot of photoshoots and promotion ...
being drag queens in the locker room
with other rugby players
and creating that image of butch queens
in drag
and butch queens out of drag.
And some of our previous members
didn't really appreciate that
because they thought we were feeding into that gay stereotype
that gay men are only sissies.
Or only want to play dress up
in girl's clothes when actually
they looked at it the wrong way.
We were actually welcoming and promoting
and kind of congratulating people
who are their own people
that they can be rugby players
that they can be drag queens
they can be whatever they want.
And that's not something to really look down upon.
That's actually something to embrace
and say that's fine.
EAMMON: Day two and the Steelers are still in with a chance
if they win their next two games.
And just thinking about what Drew was saying
about embracing who you are
and sometimes the hardest person to convince
is yourself.
SIMON: I'm thinking I'm about to talk about ...
I guess because it's relevant ...
depression ... you know?
which
I'm not like ...
You want to be kind of proud, don't you right?
You told me you were filming and stuff
and do I want, like, a documentary about ...
where I'm talking about my depression.
Not really.
But it is part ...
It is part of the ...
It is part of the story.
EAMMON: Simon grew up in Birmingham,
an industrial city
and not the easiest of places to come out.
After moving to London
he eventually started telling his friends
and their support was mostly overwhelming.
But the situation with his childhood friend Jack
hadn't improved.
Simon got himself into a muddle
and pulled away from everything he loved,
including rugby,
and he almost quit the sport he loved to altogether.
But then searching the internet, one day
he stumbled across the Steelers
and he decided to give it a go.
SIMON: There was a couple of weeks while I was training ...
I wasn't even at work.
I was off work, sick,
lying on the floor most of the day.
Could hardly get out of the flat
and then just be waiting
for six o'clock to come
and I could get my boots on
and get out to play rugby.
And that's how it was for the first couple months.
But it did ...
it made me smile, you know
and I was so quiet when I started.
I was like ... people were like 'oh'
People now ...
cause they were like ...
they look back ... and they were like
you were quiet when you started
I was always really quiet.
I was just there to play rugby
and just experience it.
Also I was excited because I knew
that it was a turning moment.
Rugby ...
It sounds like it's a bloody religion
when I say it this way
but I'd started to question rugby
which is nuts
because I played rugby since I was seven years old.
When I got to the rugby club
and it was bringing out all the best of me
but I was still depressed
I was lying on the floor, you know?
I'd then used up my entire deck of cards, right?
And this is where I think
I finally realised that I was ...
you know, would be diagnosed with depression, was ...
I had my rugby back.
I had everything on paper was then fine again
but I was still feeling really low.
So, um...
Yeah, I remember. It was weird.
I was ...
Bit of a theme.
I was lying on the floor in the flat
and my friend kept ringing me and saying,
"Have you called the doctor?"
And I was like, yeah, I'll do it in ten minutes.
It was the middle of the day.
I wasn't at work and he's like phoning me up.
And he goes, "I found the number that you need to dial,
you need to dial this number, just dial it."
And he sent it to me.
And I'm like okay, I'm on going to dial it.
Ten minutes later, "Have you dialed it?"
No, no ...
I will be forever grateful for that guy
because he phoned the number in the end
he got me the appointment for the next day
and he said, "Get yourself to the doctors,"
and I felt this like weight lifted.
I told him how I'd been feeling
for the last 18 months prior.
And he said, "It's a shame that you've come to me now."
"You've definitely been depressed."
By that point, I was just ready. Tell me what to do?!
And it'd spent 18 months saying
no anti-depressants - none of that stuff.
I started on a course of antidepressants then.
The psychiatrist said to me
"Once you've got through that first month,
you're gonna be chatting to people in the lift
and on the bus,"
and I was like no mate you have no idea.
I'm not going be talking to people in the lift.
And I'll never forget, three months later
going into work, "hey, how's it going?"
Then I caught myself ... oh, it's that thing.
SIMON: How are you feeling Jono?
JONO: I had a wank this morning so I feel great. No, no ...
- No, how you feeling about the game? - Ah ... yeah ... you know.
- How many Bingham's you played?
- 4th Bingham mate.
SIMON: So I now advocate anti-depressants.
I mean, it's weird now I'm talking about it
it feels fine.
I've tried to do my best best to tell people.
I don't see anything wrong with it
and eventually I hope to get off them.
Obviously I had a happy life
up until a couple of years ago, so ...
Should be okay.
EAMMON: I didn't realise how many scars I had
until after I left school
got away from the bullying
came out and everyone was accepting.
But I still didn't feel happy.
Like Simon,
like so many gay people
despite putting on a smile, I was depressed.
There were many days
where I couldn't get out of bed.
I graduated law school and got a great job.
But during work sometimes
I would just burst into tears
for no reason.
I couldn't handle it.
So I quit.
And I started working at a TV station where a friend worked
and eventually got a job as a reporter.
And I thought, great.
My dream job.
Finally, I'll be happy.
But still, suicidal thoughts kept knocking on the door.
and more than once I even wrote
a goodbye note.
And the only thing stopping me
was the devastation
that it would cause my family.
Again, like Simon, I started taking anti-depressants
and when it levelled me out
I finally realised
that I needed to stop trying to do things
that I thought would make other people like me.
So I quit my job again.
I packed up my life.
And I moved to London.
And that's where I found the Steelers.
NIC: As a team, we need more from you.
OK? hold yourself to really high standards.
EAMMON: So just two games left
until the semi-finals.
Next up, the Manchester Village Spartans.
So these two teams share a rich history.
In fact, in '98, three years after the Steelers formed,
the Spartans became the world's
second gay rugby team.
And a year on, they held a history making rugby match
between two gay teams.
The world was slowly becoming more
accepting of gay people,
and these two clubs were doing their bit,
one game of rugby at a time.
And there were a few surprises.
First, it was a surprise to many of the straight teams
that a gay team could actually be quite good.
And second, it was a surprise,
well, at least to the Steelers,
that they didn't experience much,
if any, homophobia on the pitch.
So starting with London's King's Cross Steelers,
with the Manchester Village Spartans
coming next ...
a movement was beginning.
Teams from around the world were forming.
From Washington
to Wellington, San Francisco.
And from those humble beginnings,
there are now 60 gay clubs around the world
with more than two thousand
queer rugby players.
And for me, this is what makes it so special.
Everyone here, every player
has gone through that same struggle
realising they're different
and coming to terms with it.
Take Matt, for example.
He's from a devout religious family in Ireland
and he was working on a missionary ship in Asia
and texting a guy who was helping him
come to terms with his sexuality
when he accidently messaged
the entire conversation
to his congregation.
They wanted him to go to counselling
and stand up in front of the entire ship and confess.
But Matt refused.
And if being outed in this way
wasn't bad enough
they then kicked him off the boat at the next port
without a cent to his name
alone, to find his own way home.
In this moment, on this pitch
to this team, he is nothing
but a champion.
And that's something that everyone
deserves to feel.
Final score, Steelers - 52
the Spartans nil.
So two wins, one loss
and only one game to go
until the knockouts.
MATT: I was trying to step
but my hamstring kept kind of tugging.
So I just just started pushing people
and it was like the slowest try ever.
But we got there.
NIC: Push out. Three seconds.
3, 2, 1.
SAM: Feeling really good ... it's um ...
the spirits definitely picked up.
It's nice to be back on a winning streak
after the first game.
Miles: So how many shots have we got at this?
SAM: He's not a trained actor.
EAMMON: So now for a bit of downtime.
Take one.
MILES: You good to go?
- Hey Sam, you look like you've been through the wars man.
- Yeah. I think I'm gonna be full mummy
by the end of tomorrow.
- One more?
- Do it again.
- I can't do this.
- You ever had a nice massage boy?!
MORGAN: I'm just gonna stretch, sorry.
- Guys, guys.
- No, bend and snap.
EAMMON: Take two.
- Hey Sam, you look like you've been through the wars.
- Um, yeah. I think I'm going to be a full mummy.
JONO: Miles always chatting shit, ay?
- Don't ever offend me again.
- Guys, you know you boy's filming here?
SIMON: Yeah that's why we're here.
- Oh you're happy now?
EAMMON: And ... take three.
- Hey Sam how are you feeling?
You look like you've been through the wars.
- Yeah. I think I'm going to be a full mummy
by the end of tomorrow.
- We good?
- So terrible! So terrible!
Sounds so staged.
EAMMON: Yeah.
So inside a little less acting,
a little more relaxing.
DREW: Sorry. Just trying to zone out for a little while.
EAMMON: Feeling alright? How you feeling?
DREW: I'm feeling fine.
Just trying to, like, chill.
I know it's going to be a big boy game.
So my body will definitely hurt afterwards.
MORGAN: Yeah it will girl. Yeah it will.
NIC: Feeling a bit nervous.
I think our backs are up against the wall, really.
We've had quite a few injuries
and a few people are hanging on by a hamstring.
I think their confidence
is a thin veil
under a lot of worrying
and lack of self belief.
EAMMON: The San Diego Armada next.
If we beat them, we'make it
to the semi-final.
Try after try,
the Steelers continue their winning streak.
So now after this match,
they're top four in the world.
Through to the semi-finals.
NIC: The reason why we got to this position right now
is because you chose to take the game
to them.
You chose to play
our game.
EAMMON: And as fate would have it,
our opponent for the semi-final
is our biggest rival.
The team that beat us in the first game.
The Sydney Convicts.
SIMON: Personal apology from me
for being quite negative in the second half.
I'll sought it out for the next game.
DREW: proud of you all.
Keep going.
NIC: Now I'm asking you for more, OK?
I'm asking you for more. OK?
Play your game. OK?
Play our game.
Brilliant.
ROB: Get your hands in. Get your hands in.
3, 2, 1, Steelers!
NIC: Yeah don't ask Jono.
SIMON D: Broke my shoe.
Looks like we're gonna
come up against Convicts again.
They only beat us 12-3
and I'm pretty sure they only put a lot more points
on other people.
We know the game they're going to play.
It's going to be aggressive.
So we just need to be up ahead of that this time.
EAMMON: How exciting. Top 4!
CASPAR: Very exciting. That was the goal we set ourselves.
I would say anything now
is just a cherry on top.
But we want more.
ROB: That is disgusting.
Don't film.
No one wants to see this!
MILES: Switch it off. Switch it off.
Switch it off.
DREW: It's a bit shit
we're playing against the Convicts again.
But I guess we have to play them again anyway.
I can see your religion.
STEVE: What have you got against my waist?
SIMON: I'm fine. I was shouting at the referees
and I said I wouldn't do that.
I was shouting at them bad.
I actually know that guy's sister.
And I met him just then
for the first time on the pitch.
That was supposed to be my personal goal.
So not too good.
I'm going to try and find him
and apologise and start a blank sheet tomorrow.
EAMMON: Mate, you said you were
a bit down this morning
but I see that big smile.
JONO: He's a lot better on camera than me.
- Yeah I was ... rugby helps, hey.
Yeah, no. I'm good.
SIMON: You know, one of the hardest ...
moments definitely in my life so far
was recovering myself from depression.
Feeling like myself again.
I remember probably just the moment
I was thinking, oh, I'm feeling myself again.
It was week. I think I had a week of that.
And then ...
I was actually doing counselling at the time
and I'd done my 15th out of 16 sessions
and we'd gone all the way through.
And I'd learnt so much about myself, you know.
And I just had to write a letter or something
to summarise this is what I've learnt.
And I was feeling like, wrap it up and put it away.
Yeah, it was a sad week.
My dad was ...
became ill.
You know, he'd had a tumour in his bowel
for the best part of two years, they think.
He was in surgery on Monday
for about seven or eight hours,
and we were sat there.
And the weirdest thing, right.
My, my sister's heavily pregnant
and
oh she came over to try and see Dad
and see if he's out of his operation.
And she just whispered in my ear.
She said, "My waters have broken."
And I was like, what?
And she said "Yeah."
And I was like where?
She's like "No, no, it's calm."
"It is a trickle," she said.
Sorry for that. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's not good for film.
Her water broke while my dad was in the operation.
Then my mum got in the lift.
I was doing my work in the corridor
and I got a message from my sister's partner
saying Isabelle Florence Wise Jones
has just been born.
I fucking threw the laptop down,
ran to the stairs,
ran down the stairs, and by the time
I got the two flights of stairs down
my mom was there in tears sobbing.
EAMMON: Simon's dad survived the surgery
and Simon flew straight here.
SIMON: Yeah, here we are.
It's kind of weird.
It's kind of weird, right?
They've seen how much this season
has meant to me.
So I think it would be nice to
take a picture on Sunday afternoon
and then send them
send them a picture of us with our ...
with our trophy
That would be cool.
SIMON: I want to kind of ...
I wanna win it, right?
I mean, we're not allowed to say that
because it's every game
it's every game.
But I want to win this rugby tournament.
And I want to contribute ...
I want to contribute to that.
I want ... I want to be
a big part of that.
EAMMON: I know that feeling.
Wanting to contribute.
Wanting to be a big part of something.
Wanting to belong.
EAMMON: I remember my first training session with the Steelers.
I was overweight and unfit.
And we warmed up running around the oval
and I was about a lap behind everyone.
I didn't want to give up, though
to embarrass myself in front of everyone.
And as I was coming around
finishing the last lap, the whole club
was standing there clapping,
cheering me on.
Something like that
had never happened to me before.
And I remember my first game.
I was so nervous.
But it all started coming back to me
from when I was 12.
I broke through and I scored
the most tries of the match.
And afterward at the pub
people were patting me on the back
coming up to me, congratulating me,
wanting to get to know me.
And I remember thinking
this was one of the best days
of my life.
EAMMON: Day three.
Up next, the semi-final against the Sydney Convicts.
MATT: So annoying because they got that wee skinny winger.
CHRIS: How are the wingers?
- He does not look 40, but he's 40.
and he's just really lanky and skinny.
DREW: I think he's like the first
daddy twink I've ever met.
- No, I mean, he's like the definition of a twink as well.
But he's 40.
- Daddy.
- Yeah, it's crazy.
- A twink daddy?
- Twonk? He's not a Twonk.
- Twatty?
ALL: He's a Twitty!
- Might want to throw up.
- Oh, really?
- Couldn't eat.
I had to like force down my banana.
- Did you sleep okay?
- Somewhat.
- All my thoughts, all my dreams
were all rugby, specifically this game.
But it's good. It's good.
- I had a dream that one of them
booted me in in the head
and then I just went feral.
- All my dreams were related to
fighting people as well.
EAMMON: So if you go by points,
these two teams are the strongest
in the tournament.
And it's unfortunate that they're meeting again
in the semi-finals.
Whoever wins this will surely go on
to win the entire competition.
DREW: Kind of our time to redeem ourselves
and show them that we can actually beat them.
It's a beatable game.
EAMMON: what would that mean to you?
DREW: Mean fucking the world to me.
World to everybody actually, all of us.
EAMMON: And how are you feeling about yourself?
SIMON: I don't at this moment. I don't know, mate.
You know when you're unsure?
I'll let you know after the game.
We are in... we are in with a shot.
A good shot.
EAMMON: How are the kind of nerves
because you spoke about how you get very nervous.
NIC: Not bad yet it's always just 10 minutes beforehand.
I feel calm. Feeling relaxed.
I'm really excited.
I'm genuinely excited.
I think for me, the bigger the game the better.
NIC: In some ways, I felt like
maybe Steelers would have been
one of the only clubs
to have given me the opportunity
to be Director of Rugby.
So
and I'm really sad
that that's the case.
And I'm really sad that even now,
we went to Elford Wanderers in the Cup final in Essex
and one of the dignitaries from the league
went straight up to Alex and spoke to Alex.
And I was like, actually this is our
Director of Rugby.
So I feel like I'm still needed to be
validated by men.
I've been the physio.
I've been the water girl.
The referee often doesn't recognise me
so will go straight to Alex
because obviously he's in charge.
So
I feel those daily struggles.
And I don't think the players see it
because they've gone past seeing me as a female
and they just see me as the coach.
So for them
my gender is invisible to them.
I'm just Nic.
But for me, it's always ...
it's always sitting there with me.
So I always feel judged.
I always feel that
I have to do a better job than other people
to be able to say
I'm okay as a coach.
ALEX: So starting 15 for the semi-final
against the Sydney Convicts is
Drew McDowell at lose head.
NIC: I don't think results
validate who I am
I think the relationship I have
with majority of the players
in the whole club
validates who I am as a coach.
I feel like I'm appreciated as a coach
throughout the club
not just in the first team.
But I want that to happen
in the outside world.
So
I think if
if we won the Bingham Cup
I could go home
and I could say
that I have the best ...
I have coached the best gay team
in the world.
And I think
yeah, I'd feel pretty proud of that.
EAMMON: that's beautiful.
NIC: Aggression. Brutality. Communication.
Give me A, B, C.
That's all I want from you
for 40 minutes.
ABC. Aggression.
Brutality at the contact.
Communication with each other.
You can focus on that as you walk down.
Those three things.
Nothing changes here.
PLAYER: This is what it feels like!
This is what it smells like!
Here we go Steelers!
This is our game! This is our tournament!
PLAYER: We have made promises to ourselves!
We have made promises to each other!
And today we fucking deliver on those promises!
EAMMON: Here we are. Face to face
with our toughest competition.
The biggest thing standing between us
and the Bingham Cup.
It's another brutal game.
But we push them back.
And then the ball goes loose over our try line.
The Convicts pick it up.
But we rip it from them
and score the first try.
The Convicts fight back.
But we stumble.
And you can see just how much this means
to each and every one of us.
Half time comes and we manage to hold the lead.
CAPTAIN: Keep that in your head.
Do not think this is done.
PLAYER: We are getting tired now.
ALEX: Blast them away.
There is more to come.
More to come for you guys
in the next 20 minutes.
ALL: 3, 2, 1, Steelers!
EAMMON: The Convicts score.
And they score again.
Our boys play their hearts out.
But it's not enough.
Full time.
And the Kings Cross Steelers
are knocked out of the Bingham Cup.
EAMMON: are you proud of what you've done
for the club?
NIC: No.
I think
I would have liked to have given them
the Binghma Cup as the final hurrah.
They deserved that.
The boys deserved that
the amount of work they put in.
And you know, I feel
really connected to the boys
to the team, to the squad
as individuals.
And I felt
that they deserved that place
in that final.
And in terms of their ability
they were in that game.
That game was for winning.
PLAYER: The game is done.
There is nothing that we can do
to fix anything.
So now is not the time for recriminations.
What the moment is now
is for the fucking pride we should take
in the performance that we put in.
Not just today, but on the first day
and on the second day.
And for the whole of the fucking season.
The work rate
the effort you boys put in for me today
was fucking outstanding.
You hold your heads high.
You can have your fucking cry
when you have your cry.
But for the next fucking day,
I want your heads held high.
Be proud of the good things
that you've done on this tour.
You remember those fucking good things.
We said we'd slap each other on the back
for the good things that we've done.
Make sure you go to somebody,
anybody and say
one fucking good thing, guys.
SIMON: I definitely did myself proud
and also I'll learn from some of the things
that I could do better.
So it's great.
And I'm going home and my dad's
going to be at the hospital in a couple of days
and my sister's got a baby.
And we got to the semi-final
of the Bingham Cup.
Finish with that yeah?
EAMMON: You did the club proud, mate.
You had an undefeated season
and you're top four in Bingham.
I think you did the club
bloody proud.
ROB: Yeah. I hope this year goes down
in a bit of Steelers history.
NIC: I think it's really selfish
because for me it's my ending.
And I wanted that fairy tale princess ending.
EAMMON: It's a bit selfish, too,
because I wanted that same
fairy tale ending for this documentary.
I wanted it to be our boys on that podium.
But actually, if you think about it
that's not how life goes.
More often than not, it doesn't turn out
how you want.
But that's where the opportunity lies.
Three weeks ago, I got a concussion
that ruled me out from playing
in this competition
and I was devastated.
But then I never would have
picked up this camera
filmed from the sidelines
and this story would have never been told.
If I didn't get bullied as a kid,
well, maybe I wouldn't have
a fighting spirit.
If I didn't pick up that rugby ball
when I was 12 years old
even though I hated sport
well, then I never would have
joined the Steelers.
I wouldn't have met my incredible husband, John,
and got married.
Something I never thought
would happen to me.
And if that very first gay rugby team
25 years ago simply gave up
when the majority of straight teams
refused to play them ...
then who knows how many
thousands of gay lives would be less rich
because of it?
NIC: I hope that some of them
will feel that I have
changed them as a coach.
That I've moved them on
and some of them maybe that's a nudge.
Some of them maybe they feel like
that's big steps.
But I hope
that the majority of my players feel that
I've made them
a better person.
DREW: I don't fit in any one cup or mold.
To me, that's just a B.S.
kind of attitude to have
that we as gay men have to
fit this kind of category
this mold that
if you're a bear you have to be
big and brawny and blah, blah, blah.
If you're a twink, you have to be
really flamboyant.
Whoever you are,
whatever type of person you are,
that's you.
That's being your authentic self.
SIMON: I'll never forget this rugby season.
And just when I was about to
walk away from rugby
but something told me
no, rugby can still help you.
Then the club, and this season
saved my life ...
probably saved my life.
And that's not ...
I don't say that ...
without careful thought.
EAMMON: So for me
this isn't a coming out story
or a story about winning a tournament
or even about being gay.
It's a story about
searching for where you belong
and never giving up
because you just might find happiness
where you least expect.