[microphone droans]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[upbeat synthesizer music]
♪
So, economically, what we're talking about
is trumped up, trickle-down economics.
Do you understand that this does not work?
Eh--Miss Pescatelli?
Do you understand what I just said?
Are you listening?
[teacher] Are you chewing gum?
Well, now that you're listening,
what did I just say?
"Now that you're listening, what did I just say?"
Oh, you think you're a comic, don't you?
As a matter of fact I do.
I gotta go shoot a special right now.
Oh, you think you're gonna go shoot a special here?
Nobody ever from Perry's ever made it anywhere
except to the prison. That's where you're going.
Big mistake. Huge.
[big band music]
[man] ♪ She's a funny lady
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back Tammy Pescatelli.
[cheers and applause]
♪
Awesome.
[cheers and applause]
Aww. [laughs]
Aww.
Thank you. I do--
-Thank you. -[man] Let's go, Rocky!
Hey, I don't even know what to say anymore.
That was a lot. I don't think this many people
liked me when I went to school here.
[laughter]
So--Now, listen, I see a lot of young millennials in here...
and I love you and I'm gonna talk to you
'cause I love what you're gonna do.
You guys are gonna change things 'cause you have hope.
-We don't have hope... -[laughter]
-but we can write in cursive. -[laughter]
-Um, so, uh...[laughs] -[cheers and applause]
You might need us to read The Declaration of Independence
-one day so you better be nice. -[laughter]
Part of me coming back here is when no one believed that--
no one believed in us. We weren't allowed to have hopes
and dreams. We weren't.
Children were supposed to be-- Now listen to this,
-what? -[all] Seen and not heard.
You see how all the old people said that?
Because we've been dying to say something
-in public since the '80s. -[laughter]
Seen and not heard. That meant as long as you
were present you were a good kid.
Like a mute child was the perfect child
for our parents back then. We weren't allowed to have--
We weren't friends with our parents.
Millennials, you're friends with your parents.
I see some of you here tonight with your parents.
That's--Wha--I don't even know my mother's first name.
-[laughter] -I asked her once.
She was like, "None of your damn business.
That's what it is."
'Cause, millennials, God bless you,
you're just not tough. I love ya,
but I could take your whole generation out
with a jar of peanuts, all right?
-[laughter, applause] -'Cause...
-Uh, just not tough. -[laughter]
We weren't allowed to have feelings.
Uh, I remember once telling my father,
I'm like, "I'm cold."
He was like, "No, you're not."
"Okay, I guess I'm not. I don't know."
We would do things. Like, you would have nicknames
based on your flaws. I have a brother "To-do To-doo."
-[laughter] -Yeah, 'cause he used to play
with the toilet paper roll all the time.
You know, [hums] "To-do to-doo.
-To-do to-doo." -[laughter]
Do do. To-doo. To-to."
We only let him play with that 'cause he broke all our toys.
He broke my Easy-Bake Oven.
You know what that is, millennials?
That's a little mini meth lab is what that is.
[laughter]
Like, it would explode.
You'd get third-degree burns.
He broke our Stretch Armstrong.
-That was indestructible! -[laughter]
They showed the commercial, two trucks pulling it apart.
That little To-do to-doo broke it!
And you know what came out of it?
Ooze. Chernobyl--just...slime.
It was crazy.
We had horrible toys back then.
My son solved the Rubik's Cube.
We had the Rubik's Cube, but I never solved it.
-Not for real. -[laughter]
I did peel the stickers off and tell everybody.
Sorry that I have to admit that now.
Sorry. Just wanna...
That generation grew up-- You grew up with things to do.
When you're in the car going somewhere,
you're on your cell phones, your iPhones,
you're playing on the iPad, you're watching DVDs.
We had nothing in the backseat of the car.
Nothing. We used to make up games
specifically to hit each other.
-[laughter] -Right?
-If a Volkswagen Beetle... -[laughter]
passed your car and its headlight was out,
someone was getting knocked out.
[laughter]
That-- I mean, that was the rules.
To-do To-doo lost two teeth one summer...
-[laughter] -and my father yelled at him.
"You should've paid attention. You should've paid attention."
[laughter]
Everything we did was about hitting each other.
Remember a game called Two For Flinching?
See, if you were an only child, you missed out on this.
-[laughter] -This is where your brother
or sister or whatever your siblings were,
they all of a sudden developed ninja-like skills.
They could hide on door jambs, right?
They would--behind couches.
They would jump out of nowhere.
You'd just be walking along and all of a sudden
they would jump out and throw a punch and stop.
Like, just little--just, like, millimeters from your face
and if you flinched, they'd punch you
-two more times. -[laughter]
-Two for flinching. -[laughter]
You're like nine years old walking around like
-you have Vietnam flashbacks. -[laughter]
See, you young kids think you invented the twerk,
-but we been--we been twerking -[laughter]
for a long time.
We just call it twitch.
Now I have a 21-year-old, uh, nephew who--
who comes and stays with me and he came in
and he was all sweaty and he had a gym bag
and he put it on the counter. I go, "Uh...
what--what's going on?"
He said, "I joined a fight club."
-[laughter] -"Well...
-you're gonna get kicked out... -[laughter]
'cause you just broke the first rule."
-Uh, so... -[laughter, cheers and applause]
By the way, not all jokes are for everybody.
Okay, I don't believe in that everybody's a winner stuff.
You gotta work to be a winner, all right?
So, one--you know, the kid joins the fight club
and I couldn't--I just couldn't
wrap my brain around it, you know?
I thought about it for a long time and I said to him--
I go, "I don't understand why would youjoin a--
What? Did they have a Dungeons & Dragonstournament?
Why would youjoin a fight club? And he said to me--
Listen. Prepare yourself.
He said, "I wanted to learn how to take a punch."
[laughter]
I said, "Lean over the counter.
-[laughter] -Uh, I will knock you out
for half the membership fee."
[laughter]
We had to be tough. People didn't care about us.
They would forget us. If we went on vacation
sometimes you'd hear those stories of a kid
being left at a rest area for like six hours.
Do the math.
Old math. Not this new, stupid math.
Do the math. The real, basic math.
Six hours! That means the parents
had to drive for three hours...
before they realized that little brat was not in the car.
'Cause you didn't have to have a seatbelt.
I told you, 'cause nobody cared about us.
You could lay in the back window.
You could lay on the hump. No one cared.
You could run along side. They thought it was funny.
-[laughter] -They did not care.
You'd go to try-- try to put a seatbelt on
and your father'd go, "Oh, well, what do you think
-I'm a bad driver?" -[laughter]
It's just different. We could do anything we want.
Go anywhere. Be like, "I'm going outside."
There were two places: Outside and inside.
Like, literally. Your parents knew
that your friend's house was eight miles down the street...
across traffic. You had to ride your bicycle
that the handlebars were way up here.
That's why we all have back problems
'cause we had to-- You'd go across--
four Dobermans would chase you.
Dobermans, millennials, that was the meanest dog we had.
-[laughter] -We didn't have Pit Bulls.
We invented that for you 'cause we can't hit you.
-[laughter] -So...
figure we can scare you into submission.
'Cause nobody hits you. We--We got hit by everybody.
-[laughter] -Everybody!
You could get hit at school.
You could get paddled at school.
You didn't get detention. The principal could paddle you.
-Right, Mr. Casella? -[laughter]
Right? Different.
You'd go down to your friend's house.
What was the big thing? What was it?
They didn't--They didn't have a cell phone on you, right?
Or a little longitude, latitude. What was their
big protection scheme for us when we were kids?
"Take your little brother. Take your little brother."
"Oh, so, what? The kidnapper wouldn't have
to come back twice? Is that why?"
Why make him put miles on his van?
[laughter]
It was a good time and different things.
Like, you know, it was pure.
As a kid we didn't have to--
When you learned, you learned in school
and then you went home and you didn't have to learn
anything else, right?
We didn't have-- No one read to us
-to teach us stuff. -[laughter]
Don't look at it. I see some of the parents
around here. I know. My mother knows. She's here.
Nobody read to us. You guys handed us a book
-with a record in it. -[laughter]
"Go to your room. The fairy will tell you
-when to turn the page." -[laughter]
Just didn't wanna deal.
Cartoons didn't teach us anything.
My son watches, uh-- he knows how to speak Spanish
from that Dora the Explorer, right?
Granted, all he can say is "Where's the map?"
-But, whatever. -[laughter]
Uh, we might need to know where the map is one day.
I don't know. We didn't learn anything.
We had three hours of cartoons on a Saturday morning
that you better not wake your parents up for...
'cause they had gotten drunk the night before.
-[laughter] -'Cause they did back then.
Okay? Listen, now even some of you might get drunk tonight.
You'll have to pretend you have the flu tomorrow.
We knew they got drunk. We would tell people
they were getting drunk. We'd be like--
It'd be Friday, we'd be at lunch going,
"You should ask your mom if you can come over
'cause Dad is gonna get paid, they're gonna get drunk,
-and argue over who shot J.R." -[laughter]
I know. Saturday mornings were crazy.
Crazy. That's--Those were the mornings, to, uh...
that other brothers and sisters were made.
[laughter]
I mean, I don't know for sure.
-My one brother does... -[laughter]
-'cause he walked in. -[laughter]
Now, I don't know what he saw,
but I can tell you what I heard.
[laughter]
He went to rat on me.
Uh, because in the old days, you remember there was only
one TV in the house, so it was a brawl
to figure out who was gonna watch what they wanted to watch
when the parents weren't around.
It was all-out, battle war
and I don't wanna brag, but I'm a good crotch puncher.
-[laughter] -Um...
I have a certain set of skills and, uh...
a knuckle to the nads is like a Taser
-and I was always able -[laughter]
to watch Shazaamor Isis when I wanted to.
So he went to tell on me.
And this is what I heard. I heard--I heard him
pound on the door-- and he must've pounded so hard
that the door opened, right?
And, uh, I heard my mother go, [screams]
-[laughter] -And then I heard my father go,
-"Get the hell outta here!" -[laughter]
And then I heard my brother go,
"Get...off...my...mommy!"
[laughter]
And then an hour later his eye went crooked.
-Like it just-- -[laughter]
It was like, "I have seen enough.
There's a..."
That's my brother, "Cockeye."
[laughter]
It's hard to have siblings.
When you grow up and your family gets big.
Why is it on the holidays we always have to go
to the person house who--who, um,
does the best? Why can't we go to the one
-who does the worst? -[laughter]
Why can't we go to To-doo To-doo's house?
-[laughter] -Okay?
His girlfriend has lawn chairs with duct tape.
Wouldn't matter if we messed those up.
-[laughter] -I got a cousin who's a hoarder.
We could all go to her house.
-She would never know. -[laughter]
If a tornado hit her house it would just put stuff away.
-[laughter] -I mean, it's...
Choppers would be flying over.
"There's horrible and utter devastation
except for this one house. It's immaculate."
-[laughter] -Family was different.
Just being a kid you could do what you wanted, you know?
It--It was a different time.
And, you know, you--you tried to--tried to stay in a group.
That was a big thing. 'Cause God forbid you got lost.
-No one looked for you. -[laughter]
No one looked for you. There was no Amber Alert for us.
I didn't even know a broad named Amber
until I was 21 and went to Vegas.
[laughter]
I picked up one of those hooker trading cards
off the ground. I'm like...
"No wonder they're letting everybody know
-she's coming to town. -[laughter]
Uh, got it."
[clicks tongue]
They didn't look for you when we were kids, did they?
What'd they do? Huh?
They didn't do anything. They didn't--
Psychics and search dogs walking the grid.
They just took your school picture and put it
-on a milk carton. -[laughter]
And you better pray people had cereal for breakfast.
[laughter]
'Cause if they had bacon and eggs, you'd be lost forever.
[laughter]
It was a tough generation.
Even--Even the commercials were tou--
Like, do you remember-- you can go watch this on YouTube
somewhere, there was a commercial that
these kids tried to feed their little brother
all the food that they didn't want to eat.
Remember? "Feed it to Mikey.
-He likes it." -[laughter]
And they would force-feed this kid
all their food.
Apparently, in the one commercial he liked it,
so they were happy, but what that means is
they had fed him other stuff that he had thrown up
-a whole bunch of times. -[laughter]
And those kids became famous.
Right? They-- There even was a rumor--
There's a rumor about Mikey from the commercial.
That-- We had a rumor that
he had Pepsi and Pop Rocks...
-and it killed him. -[laughter]
That's how jacked up our generation was
that nobody spoke to us that we thought
Pepsi and Pop Rocks would kill you.
We had the weirdest thing.
There was "Just Say No." Right?
That was a wonderful thing Nancy Reagan did.
Then they had a commercial. Uh, "This is your brain."
And it was a frying pan, right?
And they would crack an egg on it.
"This is your brain." And this is the frying pan,
right? Okay? Look, this is--
And they they'd crack the egg and it would fry
and they would go, "This is your brain on drugs."
Like, it's all fried up. And then you're like,
-"Oh, that looks good. -[laughter]
Wait a second." God forbid that commercial
came on and my father was sitting
in the living room with us. "Don't worry about the egg,
I'm just gonna hit you with the pan if you do drugs."
[laughter]
Here's where we learned everything.
-ABC Afterschool Special. -[laughter]
-'Cause you--Right? That was it. -[applause]
They're the ones who cared about us enough
to talk to us about topics.
They'd talk to us about topics that are so controversial
that if you talk to your child about it tonight,
they'd have an investigation started on you on Monday.
Stuff that literally-- And they would trick us!
For you who don't know, millennials,
they would trick us. They would take the popular
child actors of the day and then put them
in the afterschool special in these horrible situations.
Like, Jodie Foster was playing baseball
in a Disney film on the weekend
and she was a heroin addict on Wednesday afternoon
-in the afterschool special. -[laughter]
She was so bad of a heroin addict.
She would go into room after school.
She'd go upstairs into the back of her closet,
she'd shoot up and all the '70s lava lamp
weirdo things would come on.
And she'd come out of the closet--
-which I still find ironic... -[laughter]
Um, that was another afterschool special.
-[laughter] -I think starring Robbie Benson.
-I'm not sure, um... -[laughter]
-and her parents had moved. -[laughter]
Moved!
It wasn't "Just Say No," it was "Your People Will Go."
-Right? -[laughter]
That's why no one of our generation does heroin.
'Cause we saw what the hell happened to Jodie Foster.
[laughter, cheers and applause]
That's why!
I'll never forget this one.
This one I'll ne-- This one, if you saw this,
it changed your life. It changed mine.
There were these kids that were playing on the playground.
Just playing. Swinging on swings.
Sliding down slides. By themselves, by the way
-'cause you could back then. -[laughter]
Right? There are play dates now.
That's what they do with kids.
That was a whole thing for me when I became a parent.
I didn't know about that. My son was five.
He wanted to have a play date with this little boy, Justin.
Uh, but that meant I had to call Justin's mother
and coordinate their schedules
so they could pick boogers simultaneously.
[laughter]
Justin's mother was one of those "tiger mothers"
and she had him, uh, she was just,
"Oh, Justin's not available on Tuesday
'cause that's when he has Chinese and cello."
And I'm like, "You need to--" Yeah, what are we?
-Negotiating trade deals? -[laughter]
I go, "You need to let Justin come over.
Let the neighbor kids beat the hell outta him
'cause that's the life you're setting Justin
-up for over there." -[laughter]
Finally Justin's mother found a date that was--
was open in his schedule
and, uh, she came over
and she walked in
and she sat down on my couch...
-and she stayed. -[laughter]
Now, some of you don't understand
-why that's even funny. -[laughter]
-But I did not invite her over. -[laughter]
I invited her child over to play with my child
'cause I'm busy. I only have one kid.
You're supposed to have two so they can play together.
Plus, in case one's an idiot, you have somewhere else to live
-when you get old, okay? -[laughter]
-That's... -[applause]
It is what it is. Right?
That's why a whole bunch of people moved to Florida
'cause they struck out completely.
You think those gates are for their safety?
No, it's to keep the dumb kids from coming to visit.
She stayed!
Now, listen, our parents would just drop us off.
Not even, really. You'd be like, uh,
Thursday night you'd be like, "Ma, can I spend the night
at Suzie's house?" She's like, "Oh, yeah,
I'll write you a bus pass. See you Saturday."
-[laughter] -They didn't care.
I'm busy. I don't-- millennials, I know you
don't understand "busy" sometimes 'cause you're young
and you--I'm saying all this with love.
I'm trying to help you understand that sometimes
time is the most precious commodity.
I don't have time to do a lot of stuff.
I don't have time. Like, that's how you
get in trouble 'cause you have too much time.
Your threesomes and all that weird sex stuff you do.
[laughter]
Listen, I don't have time for that.
If there was another woman in bed with my husband and I,
I'd be like, "You got this covered?
-'Cause I got things to do." -[laughter]
I'm busy. We're busy.
[chuckles]
That's not a sex joke. That's a time management joke,
-by the way. -[laughter]
-All I wanna do is sleep. -[laughter]
Sometimes we sleep and have sex at the same time.
-It's... -[laughter]
My favorite position is awake.
Uh, I don't even wanna get into that stuff.
It is weird to talk about that stuff.
[mumbles] Where is he? Is he looking?
Look, the fact of the matter is is I-I...
I'll never forget that afterschool special
and, you guys-- There was one, these kids
are just playing on the playground.
Enjoying themselves. Kid stuff!
And this grown, '70s man walked on the playground.
And they all walk like this 'cause they had
bellbottoms on with heels
and he had a camera around his neck.
'Member before it was in your phone?
When it was two separate things?
[laughter]
You actually had to have film and a flash?
He was like, "Hey, kids...
anyone wanna come over and take some pictures?
I've got ice cream." And it got weird.
-[laughter] -Just like it did in this room
-right now. -[laughter]
That is the appropriate response.
[laughter]
But, you see, in the afterschool special,
someone had to fall prey to the problem
so your little butt wouldn't do those things.
So youcould learn the lesson vicariously through that child.
And it was the '70s.
They were not politically correct.
It was usually always the chubby kid.
[laughter]
-I did not make the rules. -[laughter]
I was seven.
And, sure enough, the chubby kid raised his hand.
[laughter]
He was like, "I'll come with you."
And they skipped off
and it cut to commercial.
And I will never forget sitting in the living room
with my brothers thinking, "Huh.
I don't think that boy was supposed to go with that man.
[laughter]
That man is a stranger and you're not supposed
to go with strangers."
But To-doo To-doo's a chubby kid
and he was like, "I wonder what kind of ice cream that man had."
-[laughter] -So...
I like having you guys here.
I like most people.
-Um... -[laughter]
Not a big fan of the Amish. Just so you know.
-[laughter] -Uh, just being honest.
They're not here. Don't worry.
[laughter]
That would be weird if they were, right?
Wouldn't that be weird? Like, "What up, Tammy?"
And Jedadiah trying...
They have a whole bunch of little Amish Ubers
-hanging out. -[laughter]
I have lots of reasons behind why
if you really must know.
Uh, first of all, uh...
they show up at Walmart with smallpox and polio.
[laughter]
We cured it a long time ago.
I don't-- They didn't get the memo.
They charge you four times as much for something
that's Amish built
-and you see 'em at Home Depot. -[laughter]
And I'll tell you another reason I don't like 'em.
I have a puppy. Sixteen weeks.
Beautiful little golden retriever, okay?
Beautiful dog. Now the last time I had a dog
I was a little kid.
I didn't understand that there are new rules for dogs now.
Now if a dog goes to the bathroom,
-you have to pick it up. -[laughter]
Four or five times a day I got a bag.
I'm--I'm walking around with a hot turd in a bag.
[laughter]
This is my glamorous life over here.
Hot turd in a bag. Hot turd--
It's like a country song.
♪ Hot turd in a bag, hot turd in a bag ♪
-♪ Hot turd in a bag -[laughter]
I don't--
I'm driving to get here.
Amish dude pulls in front of me.
Horse craps all over the road.
[laughter]
He doesn't even turn around and look at me!
[laughter]
-And he doesn't pay taxes. -[audience groans]
By the way, you're not even supposed to be on the road.
You don't pay taxes for those. Is that--That's the kinda--
That's what happens, so... That's another thing.
You know you're old when you go, "Oh, they don't even pay taxes.
[laughter]
-"Get off my property." -[laughter]
This is what happened in my life is I have been
all around the world and I will tell you one thing,
if you can save yourself some time--
'cause, remember, time is precious,
don't engage the crazy.
Do you understand what I'm mean?
Don't ask people their thought process.
-Don't ever ask why... -[laughter]
'cause you'll never understand how crazy people think
'cause you're not crazy, right?
Don't ask, "Why?" Like Nancy Kerrigan.
-[screams] "Why?!" -[laughter]
Millennials, Google Nancy Kerrigan.
[laughter]
[applause]
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.
I know you don't know who she is.
That's why I wrote that joke.
We didn't know who Abe Lincoln was, but we figured it out.
-All right? -[laughter]
And we had to go to the library and get an encyclopedia.
-Google "encyclopedia." -[laughter]
It's a different time.
Don't ask "why." It will never--
It'll make you crazy and then your brain doesn't--
Like, if you walk into someone's house
and they have more than two Chia Pets,
turn around and walk right back out.
[laughter]
You're never gonna understand that.
If you have those little stickers of your whole,
entire family on your back window,
punch yourself repeatedly in the head.
-[laughter] -Okay?
It's unnecessary.
Stop.
All you're doing is showing the weirdos, "Follow me home.
-I got kids there. Come on. -[laughter]
Get your camera. Bring your ice cream."
[laughter]
Think about things.
Why do you make it hard on yourself?
Don't do--And I-- Listen, I get it.
I do stupid stuff.
I was on the plane the other day.
I was getting on a plane and I engaged crazy.
I didn't mean to. I just wasn't thinking.
I saw a lady. She was by herself
and she was in front of me.
She was running down the jetway.
Okay, and I did not see her face,
but she had a double stroller.
And I thought, "I'm gonna help her."
Because not only is she by herself with two kids,
but I don't know if you've folded a stroller
in the past decade,
but you need an engineering degree, okay?
It's like origami or something.
So I ran up and I'm like, "Hey, ma'am, um...
can I--" And just as I said that
I looked down... two dogs.
-[laughter] -Okay, listen,
I've already explained to you I got a dog. I love animals.
I just wasn't prepared to see 'em in a ride.
-Okay? Take it down a notch. -[laughter]
I engaged the crazy... as politely as possible,
though, now, because... Listen, I'm an expert at it.
Um, I was like, "Uh...
-what the hell is going on?" -[laughter]
'Cause that's the best I have. You have to know who you are.
She was like--She said, "Oh, that's my calming dog."
Calming dog. That's a real thing.
No, no, in all honesty that's a real thing.
Some people need that. They have--
They have seizure disorder. They have PTSD.
They have Two for Flinching flashbacks.
-I don't know what it is. -[laughter]
They need it. Okay.
Now, I gotta be on a plane with you.
-Whatever you need. -[laughter]
But I'm the dummy 'cause I went back in
and I was like...
-"What about that dog?" -[laughter]
-Oh, hold on. -[laughter]
She said, "That's hiscalming dog."
[laughter]
Do you know how crazy you have to be
that your calming dog needs a calming dog?
That the dog whose sole purpose in life it is
to take you down a notch goes, "This broad is crazy.
-I need backup." -[laughter]
You shouldn't be allowed to walk out amongst the rest of us.
[laughter]
I laugh a lot. Uh, in--I don't come from
a lot of laughter in my family. Like, my grandparents,
they didn't laugh a lot. They were immigrant people.
They--They were married, uh, gosh, I think like 54 years.
-And they hated each other. -[laughter]
It was a little game called Whoever Dies First
The Other One Wins All the Good Stuff.
-[laughter] -Uh, you think I'm kidding,
but I didn't realize how much they hated each other
till the day before I got married.
My grandfather picked me up
and we were gonna go to breakfast and he goes,
uh, "Hey, Tam...
today is the best day of you life."
I said, "But, Papa, I get married tomorrow."
He goes, "I know. Today...
[laughter]
-is the best day." -[laughter]
My grandmother, um-- Some of you saw my grandmother
when--when I was younger. My grandmother looked just like
an Italian movie star. Just like Danny DeVito.
-[laughter] -Uh, but...
shorter and hairier. If that's possible.
Um, she was mean.
If you showed up. Like, you were the--
you were the stranger coming to the house,
the moment you walked through the door, she'd be like,
"You hungry? I make a you something."
With her apron just sitting on like she'd been wearing
an apron her whole life. Right?
You say, "No, no, I'm good. Thank you."
She goes, "Oh, come on. I make a you something."
Say, "No, no, I'm good. Thank you."
And then her eye would twitch just a little bit.
[laughter]
She'd be like, [serious] "I make a you something."
-[laughter] -Then somewhere in the back
of your mind you remember, like, the Troll
-and the Billy-Goatstory. -[laughter]
So you'd find yourself sitting at the kitchen table
and within, like, four minutes a seven-course Italian meal
would show up in front of you that someone
on the Food Network would knock somebody out over, right?
And you'd leave my house and you'd go, "Oh, my God.
your grandmother's so nice!"
"Mm-hmm." And then I'd shut the door
and then her head would spin around like The Exorcist.
She'd go, "That sum of a bitch.
Every time he come here he hungry."
[laughter, applause]
"You're a gargoyle.
You should sit on the roof and scare owls away."
[laughter]
Mean.
You would think that would prepare me for a mother-in-law.
Right? My grand-- Listen, I love my mother-in-law.
I've talked about her in my specials before.
Um, and I'm brave enough to talk about her now
-'cause she's not here. -[laughter]
I-I--This is--Listen, you make your judgments.
So, uh, the first Mother's Day when I had my son,
my two sister-in-laws, on my husband's side,
they had had two babies as well.
We all had babies within a month apart.
Three babies. Three months. First grandchildren.
So excited for first Mother's Day
and there's a message on my phone from her
and I thought, "Wow, this is-- Finally we're bonding
'cause we're both mothers and this is--"
And it said--And she's right from Italy, too.
She goes, uh, "Hello?
This is your mother-in-law.
You don't know 'cause you never call me.
[laughter]
I just wanna say I don't give a shit
who make-a the baby.
I'ma the one that make-a the man that make-a the baby.
Mother's Day about my house.
I don't give a shit.
God bless you."
[laughter]
She didn't say "God bless you." I just wanted to make her
-seem softer. -[laughter]
But I love her son.
You know, you find-- you find, uh--
-[baby coos] -Aww, sweet.
There's a baby here. That's awesome.
-[laughter] -Aww...
it's so nice. Do we--Is it 16 and Pregnant?
Are we filming that at the same time?
-[laughter] -By the way...
can I tell you something?
I know they told us not to get pregnant
when you're in high school and stuff like that, right?
They always said, "Don't do that."
But now that I'm old with a kid I'm like,
"That might not have been a bad idea."
[laughter]
Uh, I would've missed prom.
This is--This is hard to be in charge of a kid
and my parents at the same time.
-[laughter] -There's never a break.
It's the same with the generation and you
can't eat bread 'cause you weigh 5,000 pounds.
[laughter]
I don't know. I'm always tired by the way.
There's never-- Kids, you wanna know why?
Here's something else.
Millennials, you wanna feel good about yourself?
Our generation is always tired why?
Not 'cause we wanna be old. It's 'cause we have to wake up
and go to the bathroom 17 times a night.
[laughter]
Eventually that goes away, though.
'Cause you stop waking up. I can't wait for that.
I'll just pee the bed. I don't care.
Think I'm above it?
Some people, you know, you-- you travel through life
and your waters run parallel
and you find your mate and then some of you,
like me, you marry the hot kid from the slow class.
-It doesn't matter. -[laughter]
Uh, it doesn't matter.
We don't have to be on the same reading comprehension level.
[laughter]
What does he have to do? Just guard the perimeter.
That's all I'm looking for at this point.
[laughter]
Walk the wall every once in a while.
I love my husband. I think one of the reasons
I kinda got a little bit grumpier in my old age
is because what they don't tell you about marriage...
when one person snores, the other person
loses all credibility
because they no longer believe you.
When you say, "You snore."
Their response is, "No, I don't."
-[laughter] -Oh, now I'm a liar?
I have to prove it to you? I have to film you
like I'm looking for a Yeti in the Andes?
[laughter]
Ridiculous.
Why would I make up that he snored?
I'm in the business of words.
I can make up something way more fantastical.
Like, "You know what you do while you sleep?
-You juggle. -[laughter]
I know. It's the craziest thing.
I woke up in the middle of the night,
-pillows hitting the ceiling... -[laughter]
-in a rhythmic formation." -[laughter]
You know what I'd wish he'd do in his sleep?
Mow the lawn. That's what I wish.
-[laughter] -Oh, my God.
I love my husband, but he's from Brooklyn
-and he mows crop circles. -[laughter]
Investigators are showing up in our yard all the time.
Things happen, you know, when you get married.
We just went through something and we stuck through it.
He got really sick and we had to have a...
conversation I wasn't prepared to have.
He said to me, "If something happens to me
I want you to know it's okay with me
if you get married again."
And I was like...
"I didn't even wanna get married this time.
-[laughter] -Uh...
what are the odds I get knocked up at 48 years old?"
[laughter]
Forty-eight for all of you who are trying to figure it out.
[laughter]
And then it, you know, and then I realized
he was like, "Come on. Take it seriously."
I knew what he wanted to hear.
So, you gotta give that to your partner sometimes.
So I said, "Uh, listen...
no matter what happens...
for as long as I walk this planet
there will be one man who calls me his wife...
and that's you."
'Cause what am I supposed to say?
"Oh, give me Mike's number in case you're in a coma"?
[laughter]
You might be comatose so I don't know...
[laughter]
"You will be my only husband."
And you could tell he was relieved.
But I will bang a lot of people.
-Um... -[laughter]
'Cause I didn't when I was a kid, okay?
Millennials, uh, you don't slut shame,
-we slut shamed a lot. A lot. -[laughter]
Not only were there afterschool specials about it,
quite frankly, they could take your home number.
You didn't even have to do anything wrong.
Someone could get mad at you and put your home number
in a boys bathroom and it would say,
"For a good time call," right?
And that didn't mean, "Oh, we'll sit around
and we'll talk about books and stuff like that."
And they would call your house.
Not your Instagram account. Not your Facebook page.
Not your cell phone. They would call your house
where there was usually one phone and my grandmother
answered the phone like it was her job.
-[laughter] -Like she was the operator.
And in her little, Italian mind she could never understand
that a stranger would call us and we might not
know who that person is. She never believed it.
I remember this one time someone did that to me.
I don't know what it was over and, uh, she was like,
"This--This man he want-a talk to you."
I go, "I don't know who that is."
-"He say he know you." -[laughter]
"Nona, I don't know who that--"
-"He say you do a good job." -[laughter]
I didn't say that. You said that in your head.
-Not me. -[laughter]
Don't you think everything has become sexualized?
I think everything-- That's the other thing.
Like, I think we did it to ourselves.
You want to have equality...
and I know you do, right?
But you can't--You gotta stop sexualizing everything.
You can't ask for equal wo-- equal pay for equal work
and then read Fifty Shades of Grey.
-[laughter] -Come on, you know that!
You can't do that kind of stuff. That's the difference.
Because you wanna know why? Then you gotta have a safe word.
What is that? I don't--
Wanna know what my safe word is? "Get the hell off of me."
-How about that? -[laughter]
You can't do that to yourself.
But I think that that's a different story now, too,
because safe word is now from those books!
They are part of the vernacular now because we have
now adopted a sexualized culture.
That's where--where a safe word 'cause people are apparently
getting their head banged against the headboard so hard
that their skull splits and their brains come flying out.
[laughter]
I said to my husband, "If you could do that,
-why would I stop you?" -[laughter]
-We're all gonna die. -[laughter]
"What happened to Tammy?" "Well, she came and she went."
[laughter]
[applause]
That's why I told you, "Don't bring kids."
I'm not dirty, but I'm a grown-up.
Some things are for grown-ups.
Some things--There's a different life now as a grown-up.
You have to think about things a little bit more.
When we were kids they didn't put ratings on movies, right?
We didn't have any ratings. We went to see Jaws.
Didn't know it was rated R
'cause they didn't care about us.
[laughter]
Jawswas a game changer, by the way.
Jawsis why our whole generation...
is fascinated with sharks.
Because of Jaws.
Because that was--I mean, like, I love Shark Week.
Anything that has to do with it. And you have to watch
what you say on social media now 'cause people's crazy comes out
and there's a written record of it.
And I wrote--I said, um-- 'cause there's this one beach
that I watched on Shark Week, uh, for four years--
You know this? You're getting excited about it?
For four years on the same day at the same time
there's been a shark attack, okay?
And I--Yeah, for real. That's true.
I have super-human hearing. Don't test me.
-[laughter] -I don't have a lot of skills.
Uh, dick punching, super-human hearing,
and I can tell the time within seven minutes.
-It's a weird thing. -[laughter]
That Shark Week thing, and I wrote on social media.
I said, uh, "If you take someone to that beach on that day,
there's someone in your family you wanna take out."
-[laughter] -Right? Stupid, little joke.
But I engaged someone's crazy and this lady lost her mind.
And she goes, "Oh, you think that's funny?
A murder is funny to you? A shark attack?
What kind of person are you? You must be sick.
There must be something wrong with you.
What would you do?
What if it was someone in your family?"
And finally I wrote her back. I was like, "Specifically who?"
-[laughter] -Uh...
'Cause you have to know that if you engage
someone's crazy you better make sure
that your crazy outweighs their crazy.
-[laughter] -'Cause I come from a long line.
It's generational crazy.
In my house if someone was attacked by a shark
and they survived, they'd be pissed that the shark
-didn't finish the job. -[laughter]
'Cause the first time they showed up for the holidays
after the shark attack, the whole family
would just be like [hums Jawstheme]
To-doo To-doo. ♪ Du nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"Look, it's Uncle We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat."
You know, it's a... different time.
We would go see-- We would go see movies.
We went to see movies that-- how did we go?
We didn't go to cinemas really. Went to the drive-in.
You remember the drive-in?
The drive-in. Public place to see a movie
that your whole family would go and your parents would tell you,
"We're going to the drive-in, go put your pajamas on."
[laughter]
-To go in public. -[laughter]
They would tell you to put your pajamas on
in case you fell asleep in the car
so you'd be comfortable when they left you in the car.
[laughter]
You woke up in the driveway at two o'clock in the morning
scared to death to get in or out of the--
-You didn't know what to do. -[laughter]
You can't leave a kid in a car now.
You can't leave a dog--
You can't leave a head of lettuce in the car.
[laughter]
Someone will call somebody.
[laughter]
Uh, my cousin's husband left his phone in the car.
Speaking of leaving stuff in the car and, uh,
she went through it 'cause sometimes that's what people do.
[laughter]
And, uh, she found he had been sending...
some pictures of his private area
to girls that he works with.
It's horrible, right? I know. I know.
But can I just say this?
I think, men, we set you up for failure...
-[audience lightly laughs] -because we've given you
the technology while you still have your penis.
[laughter]
You're gonna do something with it.
That's ju--I mean, I'm sure there's an Amish dude
right now tracing it on a piece of parchment.
[laughter]
Uh, he's got the candle behind him
getting the proper glow.
He's gotta dip the quill in the inkwell.
Then he's really gotta commit. He rolls it up like a scroll
and trots it over to his girl's house.
[laughter]
He knocks on the door. "Herest thou goeth, Rebecca."
-[laughter] -And Rebecca unrolls it
and her bonnet flies off and she can't churn butter
correctly for a week.
I told my husband, "Don't ever do that."
-[laughter] -No class or dignity with that.
I don't need a picture of your penis.
-I own it. -[laughter]
No one sends me a picture of my house
-when I'm out of town. -[laughter]
Somehow, miraculously, I end up in the same place.
Plus, I got a kid and my parents come over a lot
and an Apple TV and an iPhone, right?
So, then you know what happens.
When your television's on a lull
whatever's in your phone shows up on your TV.
-[laughter] -I don't have to explain that.
-[laughter] -"Uh...
yeah, that's just a weird rock formation in Sedona.
That's why I took the picture."
-[laughter] -It was different.
Just different when we were kids.
We didn't have to worry about that stuff.
All we did was we, you know, we went with our family.
We went back to the drive-in
that's where we were in our pajamas.
You'd go play on a playground up front
unless you'd seen that afterschool special.
[laughter]
Then you'd stay in the car with your parents.
They had one speaker for the car.
For the whole car. One speaker...
that went by your father. He was deaf anyway.
[laughter]
Halfway through the movie, he'd get mad.
"Put it away. This stupid thing!"
And you're like, "Daddy, I can't hear."
-"Yes, you can!" -[laughter]
"No, I cannot."
"Go play on that playground."
Which was fun 'cause it was all kids
then the movie would start. How would it start?
How would you know? It got dark, right?
You'd have to try to find your car.
[laughter]
But it's dark. Even if the lights were on,
you were only three-foot high. The headlights burned
-your retinas out. -[laughter]
That's why no one in my generation
can see anything anymore.
You'd be wandering. "Mommy!
Mom!"
And 100 women would lean out the window.
-"Over here!" -[laughter]
You couldn't differentiate your mother's voice.
And they didn't get out of the car 'cause they didn't care.
You were wandering around like little, mini Moses'
-the whole movie. -[laughter]
Jawsmade me-- Here's what I want you to know.
Take this. If you have learned anything
from me, then you're beyond a genius,
but, uh--'cause I wasn't really teaching you anything.
But here's what I would say.
This is one thing. I know who I am.
Like, that's why nothing can shake me.
You can call me anything in the world.
I have to believe you, okay?
That's why bullying doesn't work on people
who are strong in who they are. Know who you are.
Figure it out. Like, I want you to laugh.
I want you to enjoy it, but you don't have to.
You only need a certain number of friends.
You need like-- You need a 3:00 a.m. friend.
Someone who you can call at three o'clock in the morning
and they'll show up with a shovel and bail money
-no questions asked. -[laughter]
And you need yourself.
You need to like yourself enough.
And I learned everything I needed to know
when I was four years old and we went to see Jaws.
Jawsis what made me tough 'cause I'll never forget.
What happens in that first scene? What happens?
Does anyone remember? Bueller?
[laughter]
What happens that first scene?
The woman takes off her clothes...
jumps in the water...
gets eaten by the shark.
-Spoiler alert, by the way. -[laughter]
Welcome from your coma if you haven't seen it.
Or you're Amish and you're here.
[laughter]
What happens in that first scene?
She gets eaten and then the-- then just the hand.
Remember that? The severed hand on the beach.
You know that that's the most powerful
scene in the history of film right there?
Do you know that? They voted on it.
With the crab crawling up it
and seaweed wrapped around the red fingernail.
You remember that?
Makes you feel some kinda way right now.
[audience laughs lightly]
-I was four. -[laughter]
My brain couldn't comprehend that
and breathe at the same time.
I was like, [gasping].
I was in feet pajamas for God's sake, people.
-Okay? -[laughter]
And that's when I became who you see
'cause my mother reached into that fear and she said the words
that would change my life. She held me and she said,
"That's what happens when you swim naked with boys."
[laughter]
I'm Tammy Pescatelli. Thank you so much!
Good night. God bless you all.
Good night. Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Aww.
-You guys. -[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Bye, you guys.
[big band music]
[Tammy] Thank you.
♪
[man] ♪ She's a funny lady
♪ Who can make you laugh
♪ Bring a smile to your lips
♪ A thrill to your heart
♪ And make it last
♪ She's a lucky lady
♪ Always goes first class
♪ She's a funny lady
♪ Who makes you laugh
♪ She'll take away your sorrows ♪
♪ Melt away your fears
♪ You'll laugh until tomorrow
♪ Turn your tears to cheers ♪
♪ She's a funny lady
♪ Says, "It is what it is"
♪ She's adonna desiderata ♪
♪ Who makes you laugh
♪
♪ She's got a favorite saying
♪ Shares them old and new
♪ News from abroad is her message ♪
♪ What the hell is wrong with you? ♪
♪ She's a funny lady
♪ She's a classy lad
♪ She's that funny lady
♪ Who makes you laugh
♪ She's a funny lady
♪ Who makes you laugh
[applause]
I...
Buddy, I just wanted you to see
what happens when you believe in your dreams.
[cheers and applause]
Go back to Daddy. Go back to Daddy.
And then I just-- There's so many people
that were a huge part of this for me.
Of course, my husband, Big Luca.
Look, I didn't realize how I dressed them the same.
Isn't that funny how you do that?
[laughter]
I named my son after my husband to prepare for Alzheimer's.
-[laughter] -Hi, guys.
-[man speaks indistinctly] -Okay. No butt shots, though.
-Come up front. I'm too old. -[laughter]
You should've caught me in my 20s.
Because what I had said in 10th grade
to the Guidance Councilor was I wanted to be an actress.
And she told me "You're from here.
[laughter]
If you wanna be on TV,
you're probably gonna have to rob a bank."
[laughter]
Which probably would've been a smart idea.
Although, she was wrong. People have been on TV
because, uh, years ago there was a show
called Real People and they came to Perry
and they filmed because-- Chief, I don't know
if it's still around anymore, but they--
we used to have a cop dummy.
[laughter, applause]
I'm not calling a police officer a du--
I'm saying there was a real dummy.
-Like a mannequin... -[laughter]
because we only had two or three police officers
that they used to have to dress up in a uniform
and park by the library. That's the only place
-they parked that car. -[laughter]
I don't know why they thought that the dummy couldn't drive
-somewhere else. -[laughter]
And they came and showed the whole town.
Which we were proud and not at the same time.
[laughter]
So, I gotta let that go.
Uh, but... I am more than honored
and more than blessed to have the love and support
of you guys. Thank you all because
then after we said we were doing it,
-you showed up. -[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
[microphone droans]