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- You don't get to control how things end.
That's just not the way life works.
Happily ever after?
That shit isn't guaranteed.
I mean, you work hard,
you'll get some nice things coming to you...
But it doesn't matter what you do.
You can't prevent the bad stuff from coming too.
For a long time,
I don't think I knew how to handle that reality.
That's where addiction came in.
And honestly, I almost blew it all.
To this day, I don't think people realize
how close I came to losing everything.
That's why I wanted to film some big parts
of the last year of my career in 2019,
to document the ending of that chapter in my life,
to try and show that
I can have my own kind of happily ever after
after everything I went through.
But then I kind of realized
the end of a story doesn't mean anything
if you don't know everything that came before it.
- What a pitch.
- Brewers win! - Yeah!
- CC has done it!
- Come on, C! - Go, C!
- You wanna know where it all started?
- Dig, C, dig!
- Vallejo, California, my grandmother's backyard.
She had this big, old grapefruit tree,
and I'd go back there, pick up all these grapefruits,
and throw 'em at a folding chair.
The grapefruit was my baseball,
the chair was my strike zone,
the backyard was where I could dream
about everything in the world I could ever want.
I tell you, I never forgot what it felt like
to be in that backyard.
And looking back now,
I feel like my whole journey in life
was about getting back there:
Getting back to that yard and that tree
and how they made me feel.
It wasn't easy,
but I had to figure out a way home.
- Perfect.
So let me remind you how it works.
After Priscilla takes pictures of your heart, starts slowly
and gets faster and steeper every three minutes.
- All right,
so I'm gonna have you turn over on the left side.
Left arm up by your head.
This arm's gonna be down by your hip.
Gonna be a little cold. Just relax your hands.
- Everybody has these moments in their life
when it feels like
you're having an out-of-body experience.
Like, "Is this really me?"
One of my biggest came in December of 2018
when a doctor told me my heart was about to stop working.
- Last set of pictures
and then we'll start the exercise.
- Okay.
When I first came and I we were doing this,
it was--I was in pain.
Like, even doing this, I was in pain.
I didn't know what was happening
and if I was having a heart attack or what.
- You'll let us know how you feel, obviously.
If you get any chest pain, let us know.
But at the end, you'll just get tired.
But mostly a walking test.
At the end, maybe, you'll need to jog or anything.
- Then he threw up and then he was like,
"Babe, I'm having a heart attack,"
and of course, I laughed.
And I was like, "No, you're not.
Go to bed."
And then we flew home from California to New Jersey,
and that next morning was really bad.
- Remember I couldn't even walk to the gate, though.
- Yeah, and he said again, "I'm having a heart attack,"
and again, I'm like, "Oh, it's your stomach."
You know, "You're eating something."
So took about four weeks
to detect that it was actually his heart.
- Come on over.
- Again.
I know it's not easy.
Breathe in a little.
- All right, so good news. The stress test looks normal.
The heart looks great.
No issues at all,
so continuing to focus on the diet,
the exercise, the meds,
you should do well for a long time, all right?
Can we get this guy a glass of water?
- Yeah, right?
- CC deciding to retire,
I don't think it was anyone's decision.
I think it was just we all knew it was time,
and then when the heart situation happened,
it was almost like it's not even up for discussion anymore.
This is gonna be it.
It was just understood
that this is gonna be his last year.
There's some milestones that he needs to hit.
He's gonna hit 'em,
and we're just gonna really celebrate this last season,
season 19, as being, like,
celebrating all that he has done.
- So yeah, the last season of my baseball career
started out with me almost dying of a heart attack.
- You did great.
- Not the best omen, I guess.
And by the time I made it to the finish line,
I don't think anyone would call that
the ideal scenario, either.
- On the ground to first, and it scoots by LeMahieu.
With nobody out and they're at the corners.
Here comes Aaron Boone.
Yeah, and more boos sending Adam Ottavino to the dugouts.
6-3, Houston.
Threatening for more here in the 8th.
- Coming to a playoff game out of the bullpen,
down three runs, two guys on...
- Super-tough spot here for CC.
all: CC! CC! CC!
- But like I said, life isn't always gonna go
the way you think it's gonna go.
I learned that a long, long time ago...
kinda the hard way.
I grew up in a neighborhood in Vallejo called the Crest.
Most people would say it's infamous, but, um,
you know, it's where I grew up,
and for me, it was always a safe place.
You know, I had a big family.
I had my mom and my dad.
I'm a only child, but I have a lot of cousins
and always felt like I had brothers and sisters around.
Daddy, you want me to go back in?
- Yeah, go on out there, man. Don't be scared.
- The central hub of my family back then was in the Crest.
It was my grandmother's house. It's where I grew up.
My parents worked a lot, so that just became my home.
That was always, like, my central place that I can go
and I know that I can get a good meal
and get taken care of and just feel good.
- Go, C, go, C, go, C!
Watch the ball, C, watch the ball!
- Watch the ball, CC!
- Watch the ball, watch the ball, C!
That's it, baby!
- C hit three doubles.
- Did he? - Yeah.
He could've had a homer, but he won't run.
- My father was a little league coach before I was born.
My dad, you know, earlier in my life, you know,
was never too tired to go play catch,
was never too tired to go throw me balls so I could hit.
- And coming out the dugout, Mr. CC Sabathia.
Yay!
Dig, C, dig!
- He put the love of sports in me
and kind of just gave me that passion
to go out and want to play hard.
- All right. - Yeah.
When I was 12, my parents split up.
Me and my mom moved out.
My dad, you know, I pretty much don't see him.
Off and on, you know,
maybe a couple of weekends here and there,
but as I got into high school...
you know, he didn't see me play,
you know, one high school baseball game.
He saw me play one high school football game
and no basketball games.
- Oh, that's the insurance that we needed.
Help yourself, baby. Good shuffle, CC.
That was fantastic.
Hey, brother.
- Right on, brother.
- Not having my dad around
was definitely a hardship to deal with.
But the women in my life were always there for me--
my mom and my grandmother.
And then, of course, Amber, too.
We started out as just friends, actually.
But eventually, we got together.
So the love story part of our life
might've needed a few years to take off,
but by the time I was a senior in high school,
there was no question I had a future in baseball.
- Indians select Sabathia,
S-A-B-A-T-H-I-A, Carsten C.
- Welcome to Cleveland. - Thank you.
A month ago, I was in high school,
and now I'm in Cleveland at Jacobs Field,
so...
Real excited.
- You know, we would always bring
our first-round picks to the ballpark,
and I think the first thing that jumped out at you was,
this looks like a man.
I mean, 6'7" and strong
and the fact that he had had football scholarship offers
at Division I schools--
this was not your ordinary high school kid.
- Sabathia!
- While Sabathia is moving up the Indians development chart,
this young player also shows a lot of maturity.
- Pitched pretty good, you know?
It was a big crowd.
Got into the game pretty good, you know?
I'm used to pitching every fifth day now,
so it's pretty good.
- Let's go!
- Strike three!
- After that first couple of months
in the minor leagues,
things are starting to look good.
I made my first couple starts, I pitched well,
and me and my dad kind of, like, reconnected.
Our relationship just kind of took off again from there
like I was 12 years old again.
We didn't miss a beat.
I didn't care what was going on with him,
I didn't know what was going on with him,
I just knew my dad was back
and this is gonna make everything whole again.
But in my life,
every time something good happens to me,
something really, really bad is gonna happen,
and that's always been the case.
So I remember, you know, me and him are driving.
He just told me.
He was like, "You know, I haven't been around.
I've been really sick."
He breaks the news to me that he has HIV.
He told me he was living in San Jose.
He told me he was living at a hospital facility
that's gonna help him out,
help him get healthy, help him get better.
Me and Amber went, and we go down to see him,
and we're hanging out, we're having fun,
and we're getting to leave and he gives me a hug
and he was like, "All right, I'ma walk you out.
I could just walk you to the door."
We get about three steps out of the door and Amber goes,
"Well, how long has your dad been in rehab?"
And I was like, "What are you talking about, rehab?"
She was like, "That's a rehab facility.
Why do you think he couldn't leave?"
First of all, I didn't know he had HIV.
I didn't know he had
the substance abuse problem, either.
And that was the first time I had really even
thought about it or been confronted with it,
but none of that stuff mattered to me at all.
I didn't care.
I mean, I just wanted my dad back.
I was just excited that, you know, we were back talking.
- And CC Sabathia getting set
to make his Major League start.
- Boy, and that' what you wait for when you're a youngster.
"Just let me get out there."
And then butterflies seem to settle down a little bit.
- Here's the 2-2.
- Strike!
- And it is a fastball on the inside corner.
Strike three.
- Great job by Sabathia,
that first Major League outing.
A swing and a miss!
He struck him out on a fastball.
- CC, a 17-game winner.
- A two-strike pitch.
A swing and a miss!
Swung out and missed! Got him with a curve!
And he swings and misses at the high heat.
Sabathia has struck out nine.
- Mom is not the only one digging it.
You done splendid, CC.
- I think Sabathia's getting better.
- He was one of those guys
that lived up to the advanced billing
and was every bit as good
and maybe even better than what you thought he would be.
- This is the best time for me. This is great, you know?
I got my dad back, I got Amber here,
my mom's flying in and out all the time.
We find out Amber's pregnant in January of 2003,
so I'm super excited.
Amber's scared to death.
My dad was extremely excited.
The Sunday that they make the selections
for the All-Star team,
Wedgie calls me in the office and he goes,
"Hey," you know, "Congratulations."
You know, "You made the All-Star team,"
you know, "This is the first of many."
And man, I was so excited.
So as I am walking out
to, like, look at my phone to go, like, call my mom,
she calls me and she goes, "Hey, I got some news for you."
And I'm like, "I know, I just made the All-Star team.
You heard it already?"
And she was like, "No, your dad's in the hospital
and they're giving him six weeks to live."
So I'm like, "God," like,
this is my every time something good happens,
like, something bad happens.
But I didn't think it was gonna be that quick.
You know, they gave him six weeks in July.
It's some kind of cancer that only patients with HIV have
and it's common, it's really aggressive,
and he ended passing away in December, so he fought.
And I think the only reason he fought so long
is because he wanted to see Little C.
Tough day for me that day
because I knew that those would probably be, like,
the only pictures that we would have of them.
I remember I wanted to take as many pictures as possible
because I didn't know
how many times he'd be able to hold him, you know?
I miss that--he missed me pitching in pinstripes.
And that was his dream.
- Strike three!
- I owe my dad everything.
I mean, you grow up in the Crest,
you grow up in Vallejo,
you can't think past the next day.
And to be able to, you know, put a dream in me to,
you know, play in the big leagues
and really try to fulfill that for him.
He's literally the reason why I'm sitting here.
- CC Sabathia, now in his 19th Major League season.
He begins tonight only three strikeouts shy of 3,000.
- Swing and a miss! He got him.
Strikeout number 3,000 for CC Sabathia.
- Now he can breathe. - Yup. It's over.
He'd been talking about this since Spring Training.
all: CC! CC! CC! CC! CC! CC! CC!
- There are his children near the dugout.
So big hugs from the family.
- Whoo!
Let's go!
- We're excited. We were waiting for it.
And now it's here, and now he can focus
and kind of train on winning the World Series.
- Much love, man. - All right, all right.
Y'all looked good.
- Yeah!
- Do you allow yourself to think about the possibility
of the Hall of Fame or is that something that
is outside the pale at this point?
- That's something that maybe I'll think about
after the season, but right now, it's just,
you know, after this is done,
it's just focused on, you know, trying to win games
and, you know, trying to win this division.
It's not really up for me to,
you know, say my place in history.
That's kind of for everybody else.
I just go out and play hard as I can
and, you know, leave my numbers out there.
And what they are, they are.
And, you know, hopefully one day,
they'll be good enough to get in.
- That, was, like special--
- I'm not gonna lie.
3,000 strikeouts is a big deal to me.
- All right, first zero. - Me!
- You put it down so it's all across, yeah.
- Smiles.
- Only 18 pitchers in the history of the game
have done it.
- Oh!
- Put her down!
- And I think the thing I'm most proud of
is becoming just the third African American
to get on that list.
To be in the same breath
as Ferguson Jenkins and Bob Gibson?
Hall of famers, legends? It's just awesome.
- It's genuine with you. You've always been real.
You've been a role model for people.
You do shit the right way, man,
and that's something that isn't around as much anymore.
- You're respected beyond this game, man.
As one of the ambassadors of this game,
especially one of the Black ambassadors of this game,
we follow in your footsteps.
- And the chances for milestones kept coming up
all throughout the season.
- Swing and a miss.
- I've obviously been fortunate
to be here for a while and play with a lot of guys
that have had long careers and reach a lot of milestones,
but CC's reaching numbers and hitting milestones
that I'm not sure are gonna be reached again,
especially as a left-handed pitcher
pitching so long in the American League.
You know, his career has been unbelievable.
- And he'll make the play on the warning track
and the Yankees win 12-1.
CC Sabathia picks up his 250th win.
- To join Fergie and Gibby again on another list?
The only Black pitchers to win 250 games?
It was just huge.
I've definitely always taken a lot of pride
in being a African-American player in this game.
Believe me, every time I ever took the mound,
I knew who and what I was representing.
- Here, C.
- When I think of Cleveland,
the thing that stands out the most
is the core of our family.
That's when we started.
We got married in Cleveland at a courthouse on a off day.
You know, we thought we'd keep it a surprise,
and then it was on the news by the end of the day.
But that was where everything started.
- Cleveland is where I grew into a man.
And there was a point
I absolutely believed I would be a Indian for life.
But baseball's funny.
There's a lot of different ways to learn it's a business.
And by 2008, the team needed to rebuild,
I was headed to free agency,
and the writing was kinda on the wall.
- A huge trade tonight has Cleveland saying, "See ya, CC."
Ace pitcher CC Sabathia now playing in the National League.
- Earlier today here at Miller Park,
the Brewers officially announce one of the biggest trades
in team history.
CC Sabathia,
the reigning American League CY Young award winner,
was officially introduced
as a member of the Milwaukee Brewers.
- I looked at getting traded as an opportunity.
Going to Milwaukee, basically getting dropped
right in the middle of a pennant race?
That was great.
I definitely wanted to make the most
of those three months
and carry that team to the playoffs.
- And here comes CC Sabathia.
A strikeout for Sabathia.
- Some of the most dominant pitching
we've seen here in Milwaukee for an awfully long time.
- Bare hands it!
- That team was so close
and we didn't want the season to end,
but we didn't have enough pitching
so I was like, "Man, fuck it. I'm healthy.
Let's go. I can go on three days' rest."
Like, "Let's do this,"
like, "Let's try to get to the playoffs.
- The big guy is just carrying this team on his shoulders
right now.
- Fans starting to believe. - Unreal.
- On the ground. A chance here.
Durham to Hardy to first!
In time! - Yes, yes!
- The Brewers win! Sabathia, a complete game!
- Those are the exact moments that I 1,000% dreamed about
when I was a kid grabbing those grapefruits off the tree
or off the ground, and it's the weirdest thing,
because kids grow up, and they're always the hitter
and want to hit a grand slam to win the game,
but for me, it was always wanting to make that pitch,
and I was always the guy that was on the mound.
I was gonna get the last out.
It was a big game.
You know, we came out focused, ready to have fun,
and it was amazing.
- You have to go on three days' rest again.
Think you can do it? - No doubt.
all: CC! CC! CC! CC! CC! CC! CC!
- Look, I guess history doesn't lie.
I was out of gas in the playoffs.
- Grand slam home run!
- But walking off the field,
it was just like, "Okay, what's next?
- Well, this guy has been
a warrior for the Milwaukee Brewers,
but it caught up to him a little bit tonight,
and their fans are gonna give him a hoot as he leaves,
but guy's been unbelievable for this team.
- So going to the offseason.
And now, me and Amber, you know,
have this huge decision we have to make.
We have three kids, and, you know,
we know that we going to free agency
and we're gonna be set up, you know,
for the rest of our lives.
So wherever we play is where we're gonna live,
we're gonna raise the kids,
so it was more than just a baseball decision
that we had to make.
And first day of free agency,
the Yankees offered me a contract.
I didn't particularly want to come to New York.
You know, I'm a West Coast guy.
I thought I would, you know,
be in a Dodger uniform or a Angel uniform,
but going through free agency and talking with Amber
and really wanting a chance to win every year
and not being the main focus--
how could you not become a Yankee?
- Tonight, the Bronx Bombers agreeing to a contract
with CC Sabathia that will make him
the highest-paid pitcher ever.
- We, on behalf of the Steinbrenner family,
threw a lot of money
and made it hard for him to consider something else.
- I didn't hide that desperation.
I didn't hide our sincere, genuine interest.
We felt he could impact our clubhouse
with his character and lovable nature and, obviously,
the performance side on that field.
I mean this is a real rare talent that, you know,
you could transform a franchise with that ball in his hand
and we were willing to pay for that.
I think if I had one philosophy for my last season,
it was this: try to enjoy every minute.
So it might've looked crazy,
but when the team has Star Wars night on May 4th
and handed out my bobbleheads,
I was like, "Let me be Yoda."
Maybe I'm not quite as old as him,
but close enough, right?
- I love you, CC. - Thank you.
- Here you go. - Say thank you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Old-Timers' Day,
that's always one of the best days of the year
for everybody.
- How you doin'?
- I'm getting to the age now
where I don't want to do too much of nothing.
Gimme that bat. Hey.
- Mixing it up with all those legends coming back,
celebrating all that Yankee history.
- I'm coming too. That's a fact for you.
- Yes.
I'm only coming back if I can hit, though.
- What a great career, what a great career.
- It was definitely put in a new perspective, though.
Like the idea it was almost my turn
to be one of these guys.
But really,
that's just another fraternity I'm proud to be a part of--
united by those pinstripes.
- Let's go, CC!
- And probably the most special day of the year
was at the end in September.
The team actually gave me my own day.
Feels weird.
It feel like it's somebody else's last game.
- No, player.
That's you. - It's me.
- Get it done. See you out there.
- It's been crazy.
- With a career high of 21 victories.
Over his 11 years of playing for the Yankees,
CC was a three-time All-Star
and is tenth on the Yankees all-time wins list
and fourth on the Yankees all-time strikeouts list.
- Thank you, guys. Thank you.
- Wave! Wave to him!
- I really didn't want to get too emotional,
but standing out there, I just couldn't help it.
It's like your life flashes before your eyes a little bit.
- You know, you see it on the TV,
you know, you see the Jeters
and then you see Lou Gehrig, and then you see Babe Ruth,
you know, making speeches at home plate at Yankee Stadium.
And like, this stuff out of a movie, you know?
Like, this isn't real.
- But most of all, I wanna thank you, the fans.
Thank you guys...
For letting me play in front of you guys
for the last 11 years giving you everything I have.
- And then you see your father that's up there
doing that type of stuff with your grandmother,
with your whole family, you know,
with the entire stadium giving them a whole bunch of praise,
a whole bunch of love.
It's something that you can't even put into words.
- God damn it.
I didn't want to be crying, guys.
- Obviously, I got my start in Cleveland,
but my family being a part of the Yankee family
is something that I truly cherish.
- We're gonna have you walk your mother out to the middle,
so all the way.
- And a big part of the emotion
was thinking about what I overcame.
How maybe these fans always loved me
all the way back to the beginning in 2009,
but they didn't know the trouble I was having,
the secret I was carrying,
that really could've destroyed all of this.
All right, ready?
But what's that saying?
"What'd done in the dark eventually comes to light."
- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
- To the second baseman, Cano!
The Yankees are back on top!
World champions for the 27th time.
- This is what you came here for.
How does it feel? - This feels--it feels great.
This is what you come here for.
To win the championship.
To be able to do it here the first year feels great.
It's the greatest city in the world,
and to be able to win here, it's unbelievable.
- After we won in 2009,
for me, the goal was just get even better.
- Your 2009 World Series champion
New York Yankees!
- Playing alongside Yankee legends like Jeter,
A-Rod, Rivera, Posada, Pettitte.
- CC Sabathia!
- Having talent around you like that
pushes you to always keep working.
In 2010, I won 21 games,
and that made me part of the Black Aces.
If you haven't heard of us,
there are just 15 of us in history:
African-American pitchers who have won 20 games in a season.
- Sabathia, a true ace in every single possible way.
- At that point, I absolutely felt
that I was as good as any pitcher in baseball.
- 2009, 2010, '11,
I felt like, no matter what,
when CC was out there, he was gonna get the win.
It was just this confidence that he had
that he felt like he was unstoppable.
- And the 2-2.
He struck him out!
Yankees win 1-0
and CC Sabathia with a complete game.
Four-hit, 1-0 shutout. An absolutely gem.
- If that was the peak of my career
as far as, you know, on the field,
everybody sees me as this horse, this ace,
this All-Star pitcher...
but really, on the other side of it,
I'm really struggling.
First time I drank, I was 14 years old,
and I was always a binge drinker,
always, from the very first day.
That very first night, I remember--
I mean, I drank as much as I possibly could get down.
And that was always my MO from then on.
Early in my career and throughout the minor leagues,
I was always the youngest on the team,
so that meant we go out
and whoever would bring me drinks to the bathroom,
and I would just suck 'em down in the bathroom
right in the bathroom stall.
Three or four drinks right there at a time,
and that's how I would drink.
So I kind of started off a huge binge drinker
in my teens,
and it just progressively got worse, you know,
through my 20s and 30s.
- He was always anxious being in large groups,
and as we got older,
alcohol was kinda his coping mechanism for multiple things.
But then he also dealt with the anxiety of knowing
that, "I was drunk last night and I did something
"or I said something that I shouldn't have,
and so how do I cope with this today?"
And that would be alcohol.
Or deaths--I mean,
deaths were a huge part of his life.
"My grandmother, my father, my uncle.
"All these people have died.
How can I deal with it? I'm gonna drink."
- I was drinking to escape everything
and try to find a way to not think about
the people that I was missing, the people that I lost,
me trying to navigate a career.
Or even everything that was going on back home.
Growing up in the hood and being the one that make it,
I mean, it's a lot of pressure too.
Signing the contract that I did, it could mess you up
because I feel like people thought I had $161 million,
like, that day.
So I think, you know, everybody wanted something.
Having that type of pressure
and then missing a bunch of people
and not having the real guidance of a father,
it was just easier to get fucked up and just fall asleep
and not think about stuff for a couple days.
- That'll be a 1-2 to Heyward.
And Sabathia deals.
Struck him out swinging.
Ball game over. Yankees win.
The Yankees win!
- I managed being a alcoholic and being able to pitch.
I would detox myself.
Say I pitched on Monday.
Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night,
I'm hammered, blackout drunk.
Thursday, Friday, I don't drink at all, like, nothing.
Straight water, Gatorade.
Pitch Saturday, when I'm comin' outta the game,
I need a Crown and Sprite in my locker.
So I would literally start after the last pitch I threw.
If I won, I was celebrating because I won.
If I pitched bad,
then I was pissed off, so I needed a drink.
There was never a shortage of reasons why I needed to drink
or why I needed a cup, you know?
- Bases loaded with two guys.
Sabathia try to limit that damage right here.
And he does.
- You have CC, the bear. The grizzly bear on the mound.
When you get that roar after he strikes a guy out,
you're gonna get that all the time in a big game.
And then you get the hulk.
The hulk is alcohol, too much.
The signs start the first couple of drinks.
He starts grabbing his shirt
and he's, like, you know, uncomfortable
and getting hot and you're sweating
and then the hulk starts to bubble a little bit,
and then when the full hulk comes out,
it's, "I wanna fight with anybody."
For some reason, CC, alcohol, and too much of it
made this hulk come out.
It was never a positive ending ever.
- 2012 was a tough year. I'm drinking way more.
Relationships with my family back in Vallejo was--
is getting bad, I'm ruining holidays,
you know, everything is crumbling off the field
and the only way I know how to cope with it is alcohol.
The end of August, me and Amber get into a big fight
at Little C's football game.
It was an off day. I had already been drinking.
I was drunk at the game.
And I come home,
and I had a old-school Cutlass at the time,
and I take that out, and I'm gonna drive.
And I'm--I'm outta here.
So I drive my car down the hill
and I end up going through a fence and hitting a tree.
Top down, you know, I'm drunk.
And it's basically--that could've been the end of it.
I could've ended my life right there.
Me and Amber made the decision
to go to couples therapy that next week
and try to get help, but I was still really bad.
And then that off-season,
my cousin Demetrius, we call him MeMe,
I was looking forward to seeing him at Christmas.
You know, my idol, I looked up to him.
He was a huge, big-time athlete in Vallejo,
went to University of Nevada, played football.
Me and Amber were packing everybody's stuff up.
We were going home to go back for Christmas.
And we were leaving that the next morning.
That day, my mom calls me screaming--that morning.
She was like, "He's gone! He's gone! I don't know!
I don't know what to do, C! He's gone!"
And I'm like, "What?"
Like, "What are you guys talking about?"
And my cousin had just had a massive heart attack.
He passed away at 45.
MeMe's death really crushed me because he was really my idol.
I didn't have to look on TV,
I didn't have to go anywhere to look up to somebody.
My dad passing away, me dealing with that,
and then me dealing with MeMe passing away
is really what, like, sent me on that spiral
down a really, really dark path.
I think those two guys were more my heroes than anything,
and they passed away so early.
I felt abandoned.
No matter how old you get, you still always need, like,
a male figure, somebody solid that you can lean on,
that you can talk to, somebody that knows you.
And I feel like I don't have that, like, at all.
My father, my cousin, you know,
I don't have anybody in my family
that I can really lean on like that,
and, you know, that's always a tough thing for me.
I still deal with that.
This is, like, my arena for whatever.
You know, whether it was, you know,
watching baseball, basketball, football, whatever, playing.
I have my Sega set up back here.
We had, like, a china cabinet and I had my TV right here.
It always feels good to be back here and be home
and like, this is home-- like, I was born here.
- Hey!
- Corky wanted to teach CC how to cut the grass.
My mom went right out behind him.
She said, "What do you want with CC?"
Corky said, "I wanna teach him
how to maintain the front yard."
And so she says, "Nah, nah, nah, he don't do that.
He's gonna be a baseball player."
- "He's a baseball player."
- It was crazy. She stopped everything.
- Yeah, she did.
She wouldn't let me get a job or nothing.
I tried to get a job at Marine World.
"You ain't got time for that." - No.
- "You got baseball." - Yeah.
She said, "You focus on baseball.
That's all I need you to do."
- Miss!
- Oh, wow.
Oh, good shot.
I used to go back to Vallejo a few times a year.
Obviously, to see my mom.
And then also to visit the people in my family
I still miss to this day.
- See the little basketball hoop
and basketball right there?
- Where's MeMe? - Right there.
- Ah. - Oh.
- Man, I'll never forget that call.
It's my grandma.
My father's also buried here. We have the same name.
And then I named my oldest after him too.
- Can I see? - That's Corky.
He probably would be saying, "Call me Grandpa."
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not lying.
I didn't really think much
about the demons my dad faced for a long time.
But the truth I think I had to face
was that I was haunted just like he was.
Not what you want to have in common with your dad,
but it is what it is.
- This will be C Sabathia's tenth career opening day start
and fifth with the Yankees.
- Here is the 0-2 to Ellsbury.
Swung on. A little pop up to short.
Núñez makes the catch
on the edge of the outfield grass,
and the 2013 season has officially begun in the Bronx.
- Early in 2013, I started taking a pill called Antabuse
where if you drink while you take this pill,
you'll violently get sick.
You'll start throwing up, throwing up.
- But we realized that CC was hiding it.
Taking the pill, putting it in his mouth,
and spitting it out.
He was taking the pill, putting it in his pocket.
Or he was saying,
"Yeah, I took it," and not taking it.
- While I was taking the Antabuse,
and I'm not supposed to be drinking, you know,
really 2013, '14, and '15,
I'm still drinking the whole time.
I was trying to stop drinking for my mom and Amber
and get everybody off my back.
I didn't really wanna stop,
I just wanted people to get off my back.
So you know, that's a huge difference in,
you know, being sober for somebody else
and being sober and really staying sober for yourself.
- It's driven to right field and deep.
Going back. Young, still back, see ya.
Joe Girardi has seen enough of CC.
- A very short day for CC.
- Sabathia on Thursday. Awful yet again.
And this is a growing trend with CC Sabathia.
- Did you see CC Sabathia?
He should've been out of the rotation in May.
What are they waiting for?
- It's time to pull the plug on CC.
I think most Yankee fans have had enough.
He doesn't fool anybody and when he makes mistakes,
they leave the park.
- I think by 2015,
it had been pretty obvious for a few seasons
that I wasn't the same pitcher anymore.
I struggled with some injuries,
and then I think the things I was doing away from the game,
it all became like a big cycle.
- And CC's still barking at Dan Bellino.
And now, I think he might've gotten ejected.
And Joe Girardi is kicking dirt
and he gets ejected as well.
- Bullshit! Fuck you, ump!
Horseshit! Horseshit, motherfucker!
It was really difficult to deal
with not being the guy who I was when I was at my best.
Off the field, you know,
I'm struggling even more than I ever have before.
The incidents that I had in 2015
I think just kind of signaled where I was at
where I just wasn't giving a fuck about anything.
Obviously, me standing on a balcony in Atlanta
smoking weed is not the best thing
for an athlete to be doing.
- I think that was the start of a really bad September.
He then goes off to Toronto,
drinks, gets in a huge fight outside the club.
- That never happens if I'm not drinking.
That could've been a horrible situation.
My cousin's trying to push me in a cab,
my shoe's coming off, it's embarrassing as hell.
I put my friends, teammates in a bad situation
and, you know, I just felt horrible about that.
And, you know, after Toronto, I knew I needed help.
I just didn't know if I had the balls to go get help.
If I--you know, if I had the courage to tell somebody
that I'm an alcoholic and I need to get help
and I can't stop.
- Lot of hard work from February to October.
Swung on and missed!
And the Yankees are going to the postseason.
- What does it feel like
to know you're going back to the postseason?
- No, it's a good feeling.
I mean just to work so hard the whole summer to spring,
you know, and to be here at the end feels good, you know?
- Yeah, it feels good!
- It's, uh--
Since Toronto, I hadn't had a drink.
And I didn't drink at all during the celebration.
And we get on the bus
and somebody handed me a bottle of, like, the white Hennessy.
And I think I finished it before
the bus got to the plane.
And that just kinda, you know, set the scene for, you know,
what ended up being a terrible weekend for me
but really changed my life.
We get to Baltimore that night.
I'm drinking the whole rest of the night.
I drink everything in the minibar.
The next day, we get rained out.
So once I know we get rained out,
then I order two bottles of Hennessy
from the room service downstairs.
- I didn't talk to him that whole weekend.
I knew what was happening, I knew what it was gonna be,
and his cousin went out there, and he called me, and he said,
"I can't stop him."
He goes, "It's really bad, Amber.
I don't know what to do."
And I said, "You know what?
There's nothing that I can do anymore."
And I don't ever wanna say I was done,
because I wasn't done with CC.
I just done with dealing with that.
So, um, I kind of just gave it up to God, you know?
And...
Sorry, guys.
- Now here comes Sunday, last day of the season,
and I'm supposed to throw a bullpen.
I showed up that morning feeling a little hungover.
Back then, what I would do if I felt hungover,
I'm going to get another drink.
So I immediately get to the stadium
and grabbed another drink before I even have breakfast.
And I'm supposed to throw a bullpen in a hour.
This is the first time in my life that, like,
I'm too drunk to do my job.
Now it's actually a fucking problem
because playoffs is coming,
I'm supposed to be getting ready,
and I can't throw a bullpen
because I'm actually too fucking drunk to do it.
I had just had enough. I was sick of it.
I was just so exhausted of beating myself up,
of feeling bad, of embarrassing Amber,
embarrassing my family, embarrassing my teammates.
I grabbed Dellin Betances, I grabbed Chris Young,
and I was like, "Man, I think I need to go to rehab."
And, you know, Chris Young said to me, he said,
"You know, you gonna go in. You feel bad right now.
But if you go into rehab, you gonna come out a hero."
And, like, right when he said that, something just clicked
and was like, "You have to do this.
You have to do it and you have to make it public."
I got a ride back to New York that day.
- A major hit for the Yankees on the eve of the playoffs.
Left-handed pitcher CC Sabathia announced Monday
he would check himself into a rehab center
to be treated for alcohol addiction.
- This news had to shock the Yankees.
- Yeah, completely. It took everybody by surprise.
- A lot of people are questioning the timing
and understandably so.
- He's got a lot of courage to stand up when he did
because he knew that his family
and his children were first.
- You know, you're not really involved with players
away from the ballpark, so I had no idea
that, you know, CC was suffering
from this illness of alcoholism.
And when he raised his hand and acknowledged
that, you know, "I can't handle this.
I can't manage this. I need more support,"
it was like, "We gotta help CC out
"and be there for him,
and whatever he needs, we're gonna do it."
- First thing I did when I was driving back from Baltimore
is went to the liquor store.
I went and grabbed two bottles of Hennessy.
This is my last time drinking? I'm getting fucked up.
- He drank all the way home.
He got here, and of course, he was emotional,
he was crying, he was saying, you know, "I can't take this."
I said, "You know, I'm proud of you, thank you,
"I'm so glad you made this decision, this is amazing,
but now you gotta go."
- When you first go to rehab,
they take all your shoelaces out.
You can't have any strings.
And, you know, any drawstrings in your sweats
and stuff like that.
And you realize, like,
how fucked up you let things get, you know?
Like, "Gosh, you couldn't stop drinking?"
Like, "You ended up in here? Like, look at you."
And then that night, the very first night,
that night, we're playing the Astros
in the fucking wildcard game.
I'm walking around a rehab facility with sweats on,
no shoestrings in my shoes,
watching my teammates play in Yankee Stadium.
Like, that's how fucked up I got.
Like, "That's how bad you let shit get
that you can't even be there for your teammates."
Like, that was a fucked up feeling.
That was a rock bottom.
Going into rehab, I wanted to dive deep
and figure out what was really my problem,
why I was really drinking, and why I couldn't stop.
And, you know, the first couple days,
you know, we had some assignments,
and one of the assignments was to write a letter to myself
as one of my family members.
You know, as if I passed away from, you know, alcoholism,
or, you know, got into an accident.
So I chose to write the letter as Little C.
I chose to write the letter as Carsten to me.
My roommate at the time pretended to be me
and I'm Carsten as I'm reading the letter to him,
and I get halfway through this letter that I wrote,
and I realize it's me talking to my father.
I got halfway through it,
and I'm talking about all the things that I missed about him
and how much that hurt
and how much I'm still hurt by it.
And right then,
I just knew I was never gonna have a drink again.
I just felt like this weight lifted off me,
like it was all the stuff I needed to say to my dad
that I never got a chance to say
or never got a chance to feel.
And in this letter that I'm writing as Carsten to myself,
it's me talking to my father.
That was all I needed.
I figured out what my problem was
and what I needed to say and, you know,
how much I missed my dad and stopped running from that.
I hope that rehab has made me a better father.
I hope that, you know,
rehab has made me a better person.
All I can tell you is
today, I know I'm not gonna have a drink,
and that's all you can do as an alcoholic
is take it one day at a time.
- We did it. He did it.
We did family therapy. We did the whole process.
But the fact that he finally admitted to having a problem
and realizing that he was done, and he was over...
Was the best thing for this family.
Alcoholism is so real,
and there's so many people that deal with this.
But because of baseball
and the passion that CC had for baseball,
it made him realize that family, his career,
was much more important than alcohol,
and he was able to fight it, overcome it,
and finish his career.
- Here's Pérez. Shortening up.
CC slides and Pérez is retired.
- Being able to come out of rehab, '16, '17, '18,
and really pitch in '19,
that's the biggest accomplishment in my career,
I think.
- And the pitch.
Struck him out swinging. Slider.
How do you like the game Sabathia's pitching?
- The support I had from around the league,
the support I had from my teammates,
it definitely lifted me.
It helped me, you know, to go on and finish my career.
You know, I never really had any doubts about retiring
all through the 2019 season.
- CC still knows how to get it done.
Once was so dominating.
- I mean, by the time I was standing on that mound
against the Astros in the playoffs,
I was 39 years old.
And honestly, by this point,
my left shoulder had been killing me for weeks.
- That's lined to right.
Judge comes on, makes the catch.
Throw back to second.
Dropped by Gregorius.
- It wasn't like pitching through pain
was something new, though.
So that night, I was just gonna do what I always did:
put it out of my mind and try to come through for the team.
- 2-2 pitch. Díaz...
pops it up.
Backing up is Torres.
He stumbles out of the way
as Judge comes all the way out to catch it.
- Yeah, the perfect ending
would have been to cap off my last season
with another parade downtown.
- They're gonna want to go check on possibly
something that didn't feel right.
- He's in obvious pain
and he's trying to loosen up that left shoulder.
- But remember, you don't get to control how things end.
It's just not the way life works.
- Sabathia's gonna toss a pitch or two,
much to the delight of this Yankee Stadium crowd,
to see if he's all right to continue.
And I think they're gonna take him out of the game.
- Yes.
He's got his head down,
but the fans are gonna show him an awful lot of love.
This is the last time
you're gonna see him on the mound here.
- What'd you tell me right before playoffs
when I said, "Oh, you're gonna join the roster?
And you're like, "They're gonna have to wheel me off."
- Yeah.
- And that's what had to happen.
- It's the only way.
- Like you said,
"They're gonna have to wheel me off this mound.
"I'm not gonna say no. I'm gonna say I can pitch.
I'ma go out there and give it everything."
And so for it to happen to you, you weren't surprised,
and I think even for me in the stands when I was sitting there
and I was like, "Oh, it's his shoulder."
Like, it wasn't like, "Oh, my God! Something popped!"
Or, "Something's wrong."
I was like, "Oh, it's his shoulder.
Yeah, that's like-- - Like we knew.
- Almost like it's expected to happen.
- Yeah. - We just didn't know when.
- To get that ovation on the way out, man I mean, you know,
it was awesome.
And, honestly, to be able to pitch.
I didn't think I was gonna be able to pitch in the playoffs,
and that's all I wanted to do, and man,
I was so nervous and everything,
you know, around it,
but when I'm in those games, that's like--
that's what I was put here to do is pitch in those games.
So I'm glad I got a chance to do that one more time
whether it was for one batter or a couple.
2/3 of an inning or whatever.
I'm not really sad, you know what I'm saying?
It's just...
kinda is what it is.
I'm more sad about us getting our asses kicked
by these fucking assholes
than I am not being able to pitch.
- It's been a privilege. - Oh, thank you.
- You don't get what you mean to people, do you?
- I don't think so.
- Come into my office.
- I know you didn't want to go out like this obviously,
but how would you kind of sum up
this being, you know, the end for you?
- This is kind of the best way for it to end for me
because the way I've been feeling,
loving the bullpen, jogging out,
feeling pretty good.
I feel like about July of next year,
I would've been like, "I think I can pitch."
So I think it's just kind of fitting, you know?
I threw until I couldn't anymore.
That's what I signed up to do.
You know, pitch as long as I could
and, you know, as hard as I could
and take the ball every time out.
So, um, yeah, I have no regrets at all.
Four days later,
the season was over for the rest of the team, too,
and so I was back at the stadium
to clean out my locker,
another part of saying goodbye.
I don't even know where to start, guys.
- Yeah.
- Man, there's so much shit in here.
Gloves and shit, like.
When I got home and I was by myself...
and that shit must've just hit me like--
it was all over, you know what I'm saying?
Like, God.
I was crushed Sunday night when we got back.
It was bad. - Oh, man.
- Love you, bud. - Love you, brother.
- I'll see you soon. - Yes, sir.
See you guys.
- Be back up here at some point.
- All right. Bye.
All right. You ready, Skip?
- You got room for this?
- I'll be back in the morning.
- All right. I'll be out this afternoon.
Can't thank you enough, brother.
- Of course. - For everything.
For everything you gave, everything you meant.
Man, I love you, brother.
- Love you too. - You bet.
Need anything, let me know. - Yeah.
We're going out. Out.
This feels good.
- It does? - Yeah.
Feels right.
It's time, cuz.
I don't miss being a baseball player at all.
I think I was done with the competition.
I'm so intense.
And I think it was taking a toll on my life so much.
I think I was kinda ready to be done.
You know, I think, had I not finished my career,
didn't get to go out on my own terms,
I would maybe feel differently, but I'm at peace with,
you know, just being a dad and kinda of hanging out now.
It's extremely exciting to be that baseball dad
with my wagon and my chair, my cooler,
and all my snacks and just be out there at the ballpark.
Let's go, C.
Mm, good swing. - Heads up, first base!
- This is life.
This is what, you know, it's what I worked so hard for.
To be able to watch him and, you know,
it's a blessing that he's healthy and he can play
and you know,
he's playing in some of these big tournaments now,
so it's just a lot of fun.
- Strike!
- I just always known, you know,
I wanted to play baseball.
Since I was born, being in,
you know, Major League stadiums,
watching baseball games my entire life,
that definitely had something to do with it,
something that pushed me, you know.
It's definitely a motivating factor for sure.
Man, it's awesome having my Dad there.
To be there for the games, you know,
I can kinda look over my shoulder
and see him there, you know.
Like, it's pretty cool
not having to, like, wait 30 minutes after the game,
FaceTime him, you know, text back and forth,
wait for a couple responses, you know.
I can get his feedback and input right then and there,
so it's something
that definitely helps my game a lot.
- So you don't wanna swing at the first pitch?
- Yeah.
- Runner on third, less than two outs,
early in the game,
and there's only a runner on third?
Then you swing at the first pitch.
- Yeah.
- When I sit and watch or I go to Carson's games,
I know my dad would be right there with me.
That makes me miss him a lot.
There's not a day that goes by
that something don't make me miss my dad.
But I know my dad 1,000% is watching.
One more. - All right.
There you go.
- It's definitely been a roller-coaster ride.
There's ups, there's downs,
there's things that happen that you don't plan.
We never planned on CC to have a clogged artery and, you know,
possibly end his career or possibly die from.
No idea that CC would, at some point,
deal with, you know, addiction and alcohol
and admit his self that he had an addiction
and put his self into rehab.
Through it all, it's been a hell of a ride.
- I went through this thing 20 years
and kind of did it my way.
Every single day,
I wake up grateful that I'm sober,
that I have people that love me that are around me,
and that I'm, you know, I'm healthy enough to go out
and do the things that I love to do.
- I think I'd probably say
the thing that surprises me most about my life now
is how full it is without baseball.
All right, what's up, everybody?
We back. Another "R2C2."
How many different things I'm enjoying doing...
Besides Mo, was nobody else down there
that can get this out besides me.
How much I feel like I have to live for,
how much purpose I'm finding away from the field.
- What do we want? all: Justice!
- When do we want it? all: Now!
- When I think back to those days
in my grandmother's backyard,
all the dreams I had back then,
it's just crazy.
It all came true.
For so many years,
no matter what was going on in my life,
the game was this place that always gave me refuge.
- Go, go!
- But now I'm 40 years old,
and after everything I've gone through,
I don't need baseball to find peace.
I'm ready to face the world
and take on whatever comes my way.
announcer: This has been a presentation of HBO Sports.