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Jj
Hey, stranger.
How's it feel to be back?
- Where's your boy? - He's inside.
Hi.
- You okay? - Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah.
Are you almost done?
I need to rinse my hair in a sec.
- Why are you being so quiet? - I'm just thinking.
About what?
We'll talk about it when we get back.
It was.
And she was like, "girls, it's dessert."
She was getting wasted on her own.
And was, like, laughing hysterically
until it whipped off her pants.
Oh, my god! The living room, and we were playing a game.
It was so weird when we he put it back.
Yeah.
She was just wearing this, like, onesie,
shirt-dress onesie.
And then she was, like, laughing hysterically, remember?
- She was, like, laughing. - I hated her laughing.
And then, she would, like, laugh and make herself fart.
Oh, my god!
She'd be like... Be like, "what?"
I haven't... I haven't inherited that.
That's really scary.
I have been touching them all summer.
Well, you'd know if you touched to one of those, trust me.
Yeah, Dylan got one the other day.
What, do they just latch into your skin?
Mm-hmm. Remember that holiday in the south of France,
the one where it rained all the time?
Yeah. And I had to save you from those bmxes in the park.
That's when dad started calling you my white knight.
Was it?
He sounds like a white supremacist.
I know.
No, that was when I used to pretend
to take you to those swimming lessons that you hated.
No, no, it was before that, I'm sure.
Yeah, no, we used to play knock out ginger.
Remember that I wet your hair with those outside
so mum and dad would think...
No, no, no. No, it was when...
It was when mom grabbed my arm, remember?
She chased me down the hall, and then you just
jumped out of nowhere and were like, "I'll fucking kill you.
I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck!"
Jesus. How old were you? She was 10.
10 years old and already busting balls.
Together: J when the boat comes in j
this game is fucking pretentious.
It's the oldest game in the world.
Aah!
Oh, fuck you!
Hey!
Don't rage-quit just 'cause I'm winning.
Oh, like that time that you first dropped on orhans?
'Cause I invaded enclave of the bear.
We had an alliance, actually.
Orhans still asks about you all the time.
- Oh, does he? - Oh, yes, he does.
"Sexy Greta. Very fine. Sexy kebab woman, very cute."
Dylan: Whoa, who the fuck...
Oh, no.
Who the fuck is...
- Who the fuck is orhans? - No one!
Just an old mate from uni. It's not...
Oh. Oh, just an old mate from uni, is he?
Hittin' on me wife?
What the fuck kind of name is orhans?
Greta: No one, bubba.
I ain't bubba.
- Hey. - Want to play?
Yeah. Yeah?
- All right. - All right. Ready?
One, two, three.
You're gonna drop me.
No, kill it. =-no.
It's only going to bite you later on. Just...
- Just leave it. - Too many legs.
Dylan: Want to get down?
- Should we play one? - Yeah, let's play one.
Boom!
Down, down.
Down?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my god, you fuck!
Seriously, who the fuck is orhan?
Oh, my god. You're so jealous.
Yeah, no. I'm not... I'm not... I don't get jealous.
- Yeah, right, right. - I don't get jealous.
I've never gotten jealous. Sarah ashdown?
Sarah ashdown is not a name that I even recall.
You would, like, follow her.
- You stalked her. - I didn't stalk her.
- You totally stalked... - I followed her.
You used to make me stalk her with you.
Yeah. That's... that... That's not...
It's not stalking if there's two of you.
Your freckles have really gotten intense this year.
- Have they? - Yeah.
They get more intense every year. It's...
Freckles, it's like, you know, it's like a fine wine thing.
They really... they...
Each year, they age, they enrich.
You really bulked out.
Not a little twinkie anymore.
- I bulked out? - Yeah.
It took a while.
You guys should stay the whole week.
I feel like we might have to go back early.
Does he just really not like it here or...
No.
I can tell you're lying because your eyes do this thing.
No, they don't. What thing?
They do this thing when they go up to the corner.
That just means I'm thinking.
Yeah, thinking about the next lie you're going to tell.
Okay.
You should just talk to her about it.
Might make you feel better.
Mm. That's not a good idea.
No? Why not?
Because she's just going to try and give me advice,
and then she'll get all annoyed if I don't take it.
She might do that, but she might not do that also.
You can't even keep straight a straight face and say that.
I think she... I don't think... She's not worse at that.
Right.
You can come back more often.
That's not fair. You know how busy I am.
I've offered to pay for her ticket, like, a million times.
I think she sometimes feels like you're trying to,
like, prove how much better your life is.
If she had visited you more often,
I'm sure you would have found her
a much more appropriate husband.
Yeah, she really did scrape the barrel.
She was. And there I was.
Just you at the bottom.
Just waiting. "I'm here!”
"H-hi!"
You know that feeling when you scratch your armpit
and then you're like...
And you sniff it and then you take a little sneaky look?
I was with you right up until the end.
I don't get hunting. “Why?
What do you get out of all of this, of hurting animals?
Joy, deep pleasure.
Oh, you're not going to let it go if you catch it, are you?
You're going to kill it.
Yeah, only because this area is overpopulated.
I'm keeping a balance.
Okay.
I'm single-handedly saving...
I can see all of these rabbits, these rabid rabbits...
They're coming after you. Those rabid rabbits
are gonna get you. Running around the forest.
Create an ecological balance.
Besides you eat meat.
- I eat fish. - That's... that's meat.
No, fish don't feel pain in the same way.
Lobsters feel tons of pain.
I don't know that you know that.
I do know that.
Those all dry.
Yeah.
I can't believe you convinced her to start eating meat.
You've brainwashed her.
She just doesn't do everything you say anymore.
Jj
What are you going to do when your contract ends?
I'm thinking of getting a place near you guys.
- Just you? - I meant "we."
Not going to go back to London?
- I miss you. - Do you?
Yeah, I miss what we used to be like.
You guys probably wouldn't fit in here.
I mean, who knows? Maybe it will just be me.
What's going on with you two anyway?
Oh, I don't know.
You seem really distant from each other.
Yeah, the move's been really stressful.
How often do you guys fuck?
What? Fucking keeps you close to the person
so you're not just buddies who live together.
That's a problem!
If you're not having sex,
you start to look at other people,
and then you start to think, maybe with that person
the sexual attraction will last forever.
Sometimes you need to force yourself
to fuck the person you're with. Then sex just becomes a way
to avoid dealing with all your other problems.
Otherwise things will fizzle out
because you think you've lost your attraction to them,
and your relationship becomes retarded. Don't use that word.
Retarded, held back, restricted.
So you force yourself to have sex with Dylan,
even though you don't want to?
I'm just saying you don't exactly try that hard.
You're a fucking exhibitionist.
Sex is good for you.
You need to show Caleb you love him.
Maybe he's getting out now before you can really hurt him.
Relationships take work.
It's not that they're shit
all the time and you're compromising yourself,
but you should try hard.
You know, if you really love the person,
you want to do the work 'cause it doesn't feel like work.
Not everyone has what you and Dylan have.
Yeah, that looks like plenty.
You know how fast it burns?
I do. 'Cause I'm a woodsman.
There we go, baby!
You know, when you chop wood, you look just like dad.
That's not an insult. You have his exact stance.
I know. It's like he did it in such a...
Such a dainty way.
He could do it really well.
But it was just, like, so, like, fluid, you know?
It's like... It was like following the ax.
Yeah. It was. Follow the ax.
We can make an extension of his limbs.
It was just, like, all his movements were so...
Like flopsy, mopsy.
He was really flopsy, like, so...
Like whoa, whoa.
Jj
I think I'm gonna go to bed.
- Night, night. - Good night.
What?
Jj
You look like shit.
About this awful dream that I had.
You were in the next room from me,
and I could hear you coughing and breathing all weird,
I thought maybe you just had...
I don't know... The flu or something.
And, finally, I knew that something was wrong.
So I went into the next room.
And you were hanging from a belt by your neck.
And I felt this horrible sense of dread,
like this whole time I just been sitting in the next room
while you were hanging yourself.
What is wrong with you? 1...
You're so fucked up and twisted.
I don't give a fuck about your dream.
I asked him to fucking do this.
I mean...
I mean, what the fuck is he playing at?
It's his family.
Watch, he's going to turn up now and act like nothing's happened.
And then I'm going to look like a bitch for being in a bad mood.
Gonna fucking kill him.
You don't have to worry.
There's like 50 fucking people coming to this thing,
and I still haven't made the fucking ice cream.
- Oh, I can do that. - Yeah.
What? I can.
Fuck!
Listen, I don't want to do this right now.
If you can't help me without starting a fight,
then just go inside.
I'm not starting a fight. Greta.
He insisted on hosting this year... motherfucker!
He's taking advantage of you. Don't.
- They're not even your family. - I know what you're doing.
Why are you trying to protect him?
- Stop. - He's not good for you.
Oh, 'cause you know what is.
You know, I didn't even want you guys coming here this year.
It was Dylan's idea. He thought I should give you
a second chance.
Look. I don't know what he told you.
You can't stand me being happy, can you?
I just want you to see him for who he really is.
You are so full of shit.
It blows my fucking mind.
Can we just be honest for one second?
Honest?
You know when Sheldon val called me a slut?
You went to his house, and you poured bleach
oh his mum's flower beds.
I begged you not to, and you... You did it anyway.
And his family hated me then for years.
And you went around feeling so good.
You landed this left hook on my behalf.
Everyone called you my white knight, but you're not.
It was more important for you to be my crusader
than to actually give a fuck about my feelings.
Look, Greta, I understand how hard this must be for you.
Let's just pretend none of this ever happened.
Let's just reset.
You've created a reality
that is completely different from everyone else's,
where you're this Saint who gets tricked into doing bad things.
The truth is you never once thought of me.
I always thought of you.
Maybe when we were kids,
you'd tell yourself you were protecting me.
But you can't now, can you?
So you want to believe your version of things, Miriam?
Go ahead, believe in them.
I bet it makes you feel fucking righteous,
but don't for a minute
pretend you're doing any of this shit for me.
Jj
Are we done?
Jj
Thought maybe you weren't coming.
Told her I was heading to the farm a day early
to help my parents.
What if she calls the house?
She won't. And if she does?
She leaves a message.
I was cleaning the barbecue, didn't hear the phone ring.
What if she calls your mobile?
I'll fake that I'm there.
You fake that you're there?
Yeah. What are you doing right now?
I don't know.
I need a drink.
Hold on.
Ugh.
I've thought about this all fuckin' day.
The shower, at work,
oh the drive over.
Even fucking jerked off to you.
Thanks for making me feel so special.
You know what I was thinking about all day?
What?
I was thinking about that night by the fire.
I thought we were past that.
I never heard how you felt,
um, what it meant to you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
It meant a lot. I have a...
Vivid memory of it.
Vivid? Think about it all the time.
So do I.
You go.
Tell me what you're thinking about when you jerked off.
You know what I was thinking about.
Tell me.
Yeah?
We were by the fire.
You were telling me how mean I was.
Don't go so far back.
Ran my hand along your thighs and...
Along your back.
You still had your swimsuit on, which was sexy as fuck.
It was dark outside.
Don't move.
What are you doing?
And?
Pulled down your pants and ran my hand along your ass.
I found my way into your swimsuit.
How did I feel?
Soft.
And then what?
My dick started to get hard.
What was I doing?
You were lying there with your back to me.
You pushed up against me.
I start kissing your neck, and you get out this...
Moan, this soft, real sexy moan.
Then what?
Pulled off your swimsuit and took out my hard cock
and and slowly slid it into your wet pussy.
Was I wet? You were so wet.
You wanted it so fuckin' bad.
Did I like it?
You pressed your tight little ass right into me.
Did I say anything to you?
You said, "don't stop."
Did you?
No.
Tell me what you want me to do to you.
I want you to grab my hard cock and...
Rub it all over your wet lips.
And then what?
I want to tease me with the tip of your tongue...
Playing with the edge of my cock.
Then I want you to taste me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Jj
Miriam: I have this dream, this recurring dream
where I go into this tree
and there's a... there's a door in the tree,
and I go down this really long staircase,
and at the bottom, there's this old couple that lives there,
and it's a house inside the tree.
In the kitchen, they have all of these boxes on the windowsill.
And in each one of the boxes is one of my cats
that's passed away, but they're, like, alive.
They're not d... they're not like skeletons of cats.
They're alive. So they open the box
and the cat's there and it comes out,
and I can play with all of my dead cats.
And I just go into this tree
and hang out with this old couple and...
All of my cats. Aw.
What happened to that chemistry teacher
that always used to say "top banana"?
Yeah, remember Mr. pink?
- Who's Mr. pink? - Chemistry.
- Mr. bevin? - Yes.
Oh, my god. He was so hot.
No. You're the only one who thought that.
You could always his nipples through his shirt.
Ew! Ew!
His round little nips.
He got fired. “Why?
He went on this big bender
and, like, fucked a bunch of prostitutes in his office.
How do you know all these juicies?
You're out of the loop. This is common knowledge.
What about that anorexic biology teacher?
- Miss Phelps? - Yeah. Fucking bitch.
Yeah, heart attack or stroke or something.
- Shit. - Remember Mr. bergman?
Oh, my god. Yes, I loved him.
They found a bunch of Nazi paraphernalia in his basement.
What?
Yeah, like medals and flags and this giant,
like, swastika dildo.
You shithead!
Did miss Phelps actually die?
- Uh, no. - You fucker!
She's still there.
I fully believed you.
You total fucker.
How fuckin' drunk are you?
- You are so mean! - You just bought it.
You bought it.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
- Whoa, whoa. - I'm... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
My god, I'm so shitty.
- It meant nothing. - It's okay. I know, I know.
Everybody's shitty.
Everybody's at least medium shitty.
It's okay.
I do really selfish things. What... what... why?
Why why do you think that?
I kissed my sister's husband.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Sometimes I pretend to be really sick
I pretend I only have ohe week of vacation
so I have to see my mom as much.
I love your mum.
Yeah, I know...
That you do.
Why would you do that?
I don't know. I want to do it.
I guess we're just both awful fucking people.
Caleb's always trying so hard,
and I'm always in this horrid position
of having to reject him.
You're too hard on yourself.
We haven't had sex in almost a year.
Why?
I don't know.
Does he have an anteater penis?
What?
Like a... like a... along...
Like a foreskin...
- What is that? - Shaggy...
Tell me.
I only want to fuck him when I'm drunk.
- I know that sounds weird. - I get it.
I want to be attracted to him again.
I just... don't know how.
Can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.
Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.
Or maybe he's not right for you.
I want him to be right for me.
It's not like you have a choice in it.
Free will is an illusion.
You sound like Sam Harris.
What's wrong with Sammy?
Sammy? It's not Sammy Davis Jr.
What's wrong with...
I don't think Sammy is the name he has.
What's wrong with... With old Sammy Harris?
But think about it.
Like, do you... Do you choose your feelings?
That's different.
Okay, what about your thoughts right now?
Are you in... in control of what thoughts appear?
Yeah, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like, right now
I'm choosing to think that you're being a cunt.
Cockface.
Is that your cockface?
It's like Sean Connery.
Why does your cock look like Sean Connery?
I think that... that question answers itself.
Why does my cock look like Sean Connery? It's like...
What cock doesn't look like Sean Connery?
- It's like a split between... - That's a compliment.
Mine looks like de niro.
Your cock looks like de niro?
Right there.
That's the face of a cock
why is one eye all swollen?
Stop it.
It's the one eye more closed than the other.
Do you think I'm a good person?
No.
Seriously though.
I think it's like what Lennon said.
"We're all Hitler, we're all Christ,
and we just have to work on the good parts of us."
And then, he beat his wife.
Doesn't make it not true.
That was the Hitler part.
That was... that... That was the Hitler part.
The Christ part was singing "imagine."
You know, we're complicated people.
Nobody's simple.
But how much of me is Hitler?
I don't know.
Probably... probably more than most people.
Definitely the moustache.
- For you? - Yeah.
I think it's more the hating the Jews.
Than the moustache, but the moustache also...
The moustache and the Jew hate.
You know.
I think you're a good person.
I like that you think that. It's nice.
If it helps, I'm sure Greta doesn't think I'm good.
She does.
I like talking to you.
I like talking to you, weirdo.
Jj
Dylan: I've wanted to do it for years.
You feel so good.
Jj
Oh, I'm so fuckin' hard for you.
Jj
Miriam: Dylan...
Stop.
Jj
Come here!
Aah!
Urgh!
Gah! Gah!
Jj
Oh...
Your heart's racing.
You're so warm.
You're freezing.
Are you still drunk?
Do I smell?
I don't mind.
Liar.
I don't understand why you have to get so shit-faced.
What time is it?
I don't know. It's early.
Try to get some sleep.
I want to fuck.
No, no, that's not a good idea.
Why?
Not like this.
But you're hard.
Whoa.
Whoa. Come on. What are you doing?
Come on.
What is this?
Why do I have to be such a girl about it?
Why can't you just fuck?
I'm not gonna fuck if you insult me.
Okay, I'm sorry.
- Hey. - I'm sorry. Kiss me.
Don't.
- Miriam, you're drunk. - I want to be close to to you.
What, do I repulse you sober?
No, I want to make you feel good.
It's okay, it's okay.
Ow! Fuck.
Ow...
Hey. Oi.
You all right?
Don't touch me.
Come on.
Dylan: Look, I'm feeling fucking guilty.
- You're feeling guilty. - Why would I be feeling...
Things escalated really quickly. It never should have happened.
No, it shouldn't. I didn't want it to...
- We fucked up. - You fucked up.
Don't do that.
I was asleep, and you fucked me.
You think that I...
Really?
Come on.
- Look... - Say it.
I'm not...
I'm not going to talk to Greta.
I just want to sort this out between us.
Whoa, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Te-tell her... tell her what?
That you... That you... kissed me.
That's not fair. That you made a choice to kiss me?
No, I told you that that didn't mean anything.
Yeah, yeah. You were pressing up against me.
No, I wasn't. I didn't.
Look, we... we got carried away.
- We had a lot to drink. - No, no, no.
I didn't want it to lead where...
Don't rewrite what happened.
I'm not rewriting. I know exactly what happened.
You did... you did things.
- I told you that was a mistake. - You said things.
What things? We both said it was a mistake and we both stayed.
Why did you tell me about your fuckin"...
Your sex life with Caleb?
I was just trying... =all those details.
You said you thought we'd always end up together.
You said that. There was no fucking fight over who said what.
None of it fucking matters. I didn't want it.
That... that... that is a fuckin' lie, and you know it.
I thought you were better than that.
I'm sorry.
We're gonna work this out.
It's going to be okay.
No, it's not.
I didn't mean to blame you. I know that I'm half to blame.
I don't know you. You know me.
Don't say that.
I know we fucked up, okay?
You're right.
But the truth is...
I'm glad we got it out of our system.
I know, I know that's a fucked up thing to say,
but look at me and say you haven't thought about it before,
'cause I know you have, or you wouldn't have kissed me.
What is it that you're doing right now?
You told me last night that you do selfish things.
And I-l should have realized that when you kissed me.
I-1 should have stopped things.
You did stop things.
You were emotionally vulnerable.
- I told you that in confidence. - Touching...
In confidence.
I opened up to you about things I was really ashamed of
'cause I wanted your help.
I don't mean you're a bad person.
I'm not going to tell her anything.
You guys have always had this fucked-up sister thing.
You're resentful.
All I'm saying is, you and me,
we're in this together, and we've hurt each other,
but we care about each other.
Get off.
Okay.
Greta and Dylan: [J call us back, doo doo doo doo j
Dylan: J call us back j
Greta: Hey, it's me.
Um... You're not picking up, so...
Look, I don't want to fight, okay?
I don't want to get your parents in
without sorting things out.
I'm ready to talk when you are, so just call me back.
Jj
Oi! Hey!
Hey! Give those back to her!
Give those back to her.
- Who the fuck are you? - Give them back right now.
- Huh? - I fucking saw you, okay.
I have it on my phone. I fucking saw you.
- You saw me? Really? - Yeah, I saw you push her.
Are you okay? It's... it's okay. Don't worry. I'm fine.
- Go back in your car. Go. - Go back in my car? Or what?
- Or fucking what, mate? - Hey, come on.
- Did he hurt you? - You stop!
No! Go back in your car! Do you understand?
I'm just gonna get up in your face!
Do you think you scare me? You think you fucking scare me?
It's not your problem. It's not your problem.
Or what? Or fucking what, mate? You think you scare me?
- Go back in your car. - You fucking don't.
Yeah, I know men like you. Don't fucking touch me, mate.
Don't fucking touch me.
Go back in your car. Do you understand?
Or what? Or fucking what, mate?!
Or fucking what?!
Wait! Don't speak to him like that.
Please, stop! Stop, stop.
It's okay. It's nothing.
Okay?
I'm sorry. Come on.
Jj
Greta: Oh, I can't believe you convinced me to do this.
I promise you, it's gonna be... It's good for you.
Are we are going all the way around?
Just to the island and back.
At least I'm starting to feel warm.
Me, too.
Have you ever thought about what it would have been like
if you stayed in London?
Yeah, all the time.
Why don't you come back with me?
My life's here.
What if I moved here and we got a place together?
- What, you and me. - Yeah, like an investment.
We are we gonna get all this money?
I'm talking about us starting over.
I don't need to start over why are you being weird?
I have to tell you something,
and I don't want you to freak out.
- Why would I freak out? - It's about Dylan.
- Okay. - Don't get angry.
I'm not angry.
It's going to make you really upset.
I know how much you love him
and how much he means to you.
I admire how loyal you are to him.
He seems like he's really sweet and compassionate,
like he's got all of these emotions
that he just can't control.
What are you doing right now?
Did you know that, when we were kids,
he used to pull the wings of flies?
That's a stupid thing to say.
- It's the truth. - What's your point?
I'm trying to tell you something.
Tell me what?
Last night, by the fire,
at some point, I fell asleep.
And when I woke up...
I didn't know what was happening.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
Don't do this.
I was unconscious. He was on top of me.
Don't.
I didn't realize what was happening. Stop.
He wouldn't listen to me, Greta. Don't.
- He wouldn't listen. - Miriam, stop.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Please, listen to me.
Dylan actually cares about you.
He's been nothing but kind to you.
And whatever happened, it wasn't this.
You fucked up, and you can't even own up to it.
It's pathetic and fucking disgusting.
Miriam! Miriam!
Miriam!
Dylan: I I know we've come along way j
Greta: It's annoying.
Caleb: And it doesn't put you guys off your appetite?
No, I think it's good to know the whole process,
otherwise, you take this stuff for granted.
There was this point where I thought, if I eat meat,
then I should be able to do the whole thing, you know?
I don't think I could stomach it.
Oh, there you are.
I didn't know your sister was such a badass with a knife.
Oh, she's just trying to impress you.
I think it's cool.
What chick knows how to skin a rabbit?
Greta: I actually find it incredibly rewarding.
It's helped me develop as a person actually has, actually.
Has it, actually?
- Yeah. - Keep the little shoes.
Mm.
Your breath smells like a raccoon shat in your mouth.
That is so cold.
Haven't showered yet.
Did you sleep by the fire?
No, crashed on the couch.
Next time, wake me.
So, what have you learned?
Greta: What?
You said that it's helped you develop as a person.
Yeah, I think it builds character.
What have you learned about your character
- that I'm capable. - Of cruelty?
Hey, easy.
First time I did this, I was only halfway through,
and I thought I was going to throw up.
But I forced myself to keep going.
'Cause I've always relied on other people
for this kind of thing, you know,
the stuff I didn't want to do.
And then, something happened midway through
and I had to face myself.
Then you realized how much of a fucking coward you were?
Hey! What?
It's empowering knowing you don't need anyone
to look after you.
- Proud of you. - Thanks, binkie.
Have you guys read that book, "my side of the mountain"?
Why are you being such a fake fuck right now?
I think you should slow down.
You're acting like your best friend.
We're just trying to have a good time, Miriam.
- You even like them. - Don't be a dick, okay?
I know you're in a mood right now, but...
What was it that you said in the car?
This is embarrassing.
What was it, that she's a self-centered little brat
who always has to have things her own way?
You took what I said out of context.
No, no, no, no. I want to hear you defend yourself. Go on.
I'm not doing this with you. I'm not doing this with you!
Why can't you fucking...
Why can't you fucking own it for fucking once?!
Do you want to do the honors?
Yeah.
Jj
So, did I live?
What?
In your dream.
Did I survive?
Um...
You were coughing, and I was in the next room.
And for a while, I didn't do anything.
And I realized something must be wrong,
so I walked into the room where you were hanging yourself.
And I saw you.
And I felt like...
Why didn't I come in earlier?
Why did I just sit in the other room
when those moments could have made the difference?
Your face is all red, but you were still breathing,
and I ran over to you and tried to get you down.
I couldn't lift you and take the belt off at the same time,
so I just tried to hold you up.
I couldn't stop thinking how...
I didn't want the last thing
that you experienced in the world to be me panicking.
I wanted to be of someone
that really loved you.
And I kept just saying, "it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay."
And I was holding you
and just saying this, "gonna be okay,"
and I knew wasn't going to be okay.
And then I woke up.
I love you.
Jj