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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[lively string music]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[cheers and applause]

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- Hello!

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Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen of London.

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[cheers and applause]

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Hello, thank you very much
for coming out this evening.

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You all right?

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[audience shouts]
Yeah!

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- Fantastic.

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Pleasure to be here,

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particularly after
the year we've had.

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Before this,
it was always the little things

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that got me down, you know?

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Insignificant
in and of themselves.

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Just these little things,
like my own phone

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autocorrects my name
to the word "shit."

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[laughter]

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It autocorrects "Ahir"
to "shit," you understand?

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Not "Shar" to "shit,"
and you'd assume

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that it'd be
"Shar" to "shit," right?

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Same two first letters,
four-letter word,

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but it autocorrects
my first name

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to the word "shit."

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It autocorrects my surname
to the word "shag."

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Now...

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[laughter]

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When do you ever use
your full name

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in a text message

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apart from
ludicrously formal situations?

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So the only time
this has ever actively

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impacted me in practice
is when I was like,

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"Dear Jerry, terribly sorry.

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"The rent's going to be
late again this month.

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Feel free to call me,
Shit Shag."

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[laughter]

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We'll clear up some
of the obvious before beginning.

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I realize
that I sound as though

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I've been colonized
by my own voice.

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[laughter]

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If at any stage
during this show you wonder

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what exactly
this accent is,

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this is the most dangerous
accent in human history.

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[laughter]

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This was the voice
that did that shit.

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And totally got away
with it too.

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Sorry, it's just that
the way that the internalized

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class system in Britain works

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is that everything
that comes out of my mouth

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will to your ears sound
vaguely plausible, all right?

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And that's why
several centuries ago,

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a bunch of people
who sound like me

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were able to get on a boat
and travel over

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to a bunch of people
who look like me,

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and the second they got there,

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they were just like,
"Tally ho!"

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And everyone there was like,
"Shit, maybe this is his land."

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"I mean, he sounds convinced
and that's an excellent hat."

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I am a British Indian man.

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[cheers and applause]

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You're correct to be impressed.

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We're crushing it.
This is genuinely true.

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Out of every group
in the UK at the moment--

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this is not just
minority groups--

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out of every group
in the UK at the moment,

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British Indians
are now on average

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the wealthiest
and best educated, right?

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We are taking--yeah, it's true.

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We are taking
increasingly prominent roles

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in the worlds of business,
finance, and politics,

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but we don't tend

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to be flashy with it,

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so we do it in a slightly
behind the scenes way,

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but as such that if you ever
were to pull back the curtain,

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you would realize fundamentally
who's really pulling the strings

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but, like--

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basically, Jews are catching
a lot of our heat.

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You got all these
demented conspiracy nutters

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going off on one
about the Rothschilds.

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Meanwhile,
the Patels are just like...

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Why do you think
it's called "the Illuminati?"

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'Cause we run shit
using looms, naan, and tea.

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Wake up.

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So I am a British Indian man.
It tends to be obvious here.

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It's not obvious everywhere.
I'll give you an example, right?

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Last proper holiday I had
was to Mexico, right?

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I went out to Mexico
with my girlfriend at the time.

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Now my girlfriend at the time
was white.

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Probably still is.

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Not checked in a while.
Feels likely.

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People so rarely trade up

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to a more interesting
difficulty setting.

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[laughter, cheers and applause]

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And she is white
and countryside,

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so like, double white, right?

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I'm talking full, like,
Celtic alabaster,

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burned in moonlight situation.

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She was so white
that when the two of us

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used to walk down the street
together holding hands,

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it looked like
at least one of us

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was trying to make a point,
right?

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Listen.
She speaks Spanish.

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Now, I don't speak
a word of Spanish,

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so she did all the talking
in Mexico, right?

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But she looks like that.

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I look Mexican...

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it turns out.

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I had no idea.

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My conception
of what Mexicans look like,

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probably true of most of you,

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largely taken from
American film and telly, right?

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Turns out they only cast actors
who come from the ethnic groups

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found towards
the north of the country.

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You go out to
the Caribbean coast as we did,

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and suddenly everyone
looks like this Paki,

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so you've just got
a bunch of people

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coming up to me
chatting in breakneck Spanish

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'cause they're convinced
I've taken my beloved

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on a trip
to my ancestral homeland.

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And I'm just there like
"Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,

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mm, mm, queso, help."

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You have not known suspicion
until you have seen sets of eyes

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bearing into you as if to say,

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"Who is this silent Mexican?

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"And why does he insist on
conducting all of his business

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via his albino PA?"

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It's good to get away,
though, right?

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It's good to get away.

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You got to get away

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in order to find out
who you are,

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and the trick
is to come back

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the day before you realize
that who you are is

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an alcoholic whose second
language is English slower.

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So I came back,
and I was back on tour.

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Now when I'm on tour,
I've got an old phone

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of my dad's that I use
as, like, an MP3 player.

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There's no SIM card in it,

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but it's a good way
to do pre-show music.

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It is still linked
to his calendar,

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and I discovered
this a few years ago

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on the 21st of March
in Sheffield

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when I handed this phone
over to the tech guy

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and we both simultaneously
saw an iCal notification

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pop up that said,
"Tomorrow, 10:00 p.m.

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Ahir conceived."

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I already knew that I was
conceived on the 22nd of March.

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I didn't know the time
admittedly, right?

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But I knew.

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'Cause years ago,
Dad had told me

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that most likely
it happened

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on his and Mum's
wedding anniversary

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according to
the Hindu calendar, right?

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00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:02,889
Now that's a lunar calendar,

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00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:04,390
so it doesn't map neatly
onto the Gregorian,

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but in 1990 so happened
to be the 22nd of March.

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And I love this as a fact
about my parents' marriage

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because I think it displays
exactly the right blend

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of the pre-modern
and the post-modern, right?

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My parents are
sufficiently post-modern

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that they have
iCal notifications,

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which sync wirelessly
across multiple Apple devices

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and sufficiently pre-modern

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that they fuck
according to the moon.

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Yes, please.
Life goals.

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By the way, checked every
other entry in that calendar

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'cause I was convinced
he'd have put

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other batshit stuff in there.

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Other than the date
of my conception,

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my father makes note
of three things.

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Everyone's birthday,
fair enough.

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Day he needs to get
the car serviced, sure.

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Anniversary
of Steve Jobs' death.

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It's not an Apple preset.

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I think my father
is the most certain person

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I've ever met,
and recently,

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as I'm sure we all have,

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I've been thinking a lot
about certainty,

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about its necessity,
its utility--

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in my case, often its absence.

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And I think you can have
certainty in all sorts of ways

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and Dad's got the lot, right?

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My father has
a cast-iron political ideology

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that he's convinced
is the right way

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for the entire world
to move forward.

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He is married to the only woman
he's ever been with.

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He's like, "This is my wife.
These are my children.

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That just is the case
until I die."

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And when he does die,
he's genuinely not frightened

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00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,748
because he's convinced
he's gonna come back

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00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:37,884
as a sparrow or some shit,
right?

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00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:41,153
Hinduism, cuz.
Yeah.

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Imagine that.

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00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:46,792
Unshakable ideology,
unconditional love,

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00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:50,363
unquestioned faith.

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00:08:50,429 --> 00:08:51,964
I am a single atheist

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00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:55,368
who votes Lib Dem
out of a lack of imagination.

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00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,373
And if you're not British
and you don't know

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00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:01,874
who the Lib Dems are,
don't worry.

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00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:03,109
Neither do half of the people
in this room.

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00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,345
That's why it's so pathetic.

203
00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:09,415
[cheers and applause]

204
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,319
Used to have
some of the certainties,

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00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,887
but not anymore, you know?

206
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,089
I feel like when
you lose your certainties,

207
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:19,692
it's like you're untethered,
you're unmoored, right?

208
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:22,128
You're like a tent
with all of the pegs taken out

209
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:24,964
hoping that the winds
won't pick up and blow you away

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00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,333
until things just start
to make sense again,

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00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,402
and that's basically
where I am at the moment.

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00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:32,405
And it's an odd position
for me to be in

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00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:35,508
because I now have
an amplified voice,

214
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:38,678
and amplified voices
are expected to opine on shit

215
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,746
when there's absolutely
no need, right?

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00:09:40,846 --> 00:09:42,248
Like, okay.

217
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,050
Last time I was
at the Edinburgh Festival,

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00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:47,987
after a show, my publicist
came up to me and said,

219
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:50,823
"Ahir, if you win the award
for best show

220
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,391
"at the entire festival
tomorrow,

221
00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:54,527
"then a journalist
from a broadsheet newspaper

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00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,629
wants to write
a big feature all about you."

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00:09:56,729 --> 00:09:58,464
I thought,
"Oh, this is amazing, right?

224
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:00,232
It'd be very good for the career
going forward."

225
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,201
I was like, "Oh, please tell me,
what is this feature about?"

226
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,671
He's like, "Oh, they want to
write a feature on why you feel

227
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:10,209
it's acceptable for you to say
the word 'Paki' on stage."

228
00:10:14,046 --> 00:10:15,414
Oh, cool, fun,
please, tell me

229
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:17,650
a bit more about
this journalist, right?

230
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,118
I was asking for fun.

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00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:21,654
It was obviously a white woman,
all right?

232
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:28,828
I mean, come on.

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00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,963
So anyone who wasn't white
wouldn't have needed to ask,

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00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:34,400
and a white man
would have been too nervous.

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00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:40,072
So deductive reasoning is easy,
free, and available to everyone.

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00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:43,075
Get involved, all right?

237
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,111
So you don't need to be
Shah-rlock Holmes

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00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,812
to pull this stuff off.

239
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:49,849
[cheers and applause]

240
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:55,154
Or as I prefer to be known,
Magnum Pak-I.

241
00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:01,727
Why do I think it's acceptable?

242
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,162
There is an involved answer,
I suppose.

243
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,797
You know,
it's like all of my heroes

244
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:06,532
come from the African American
stand-up tradition.

245
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,967
Lots of them do stuff
with word reclamation of words

246
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,402
that have been used
to hurt them.

247
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,870
I thought,
"Why not do the same on behalf

248
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,405
of that word
that's been used to hurt me?"

249
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,573
But what's the point
in the involved answer?

250
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,308
Why is the question
so fascinating?

251
00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:19,278
Why do I think--
I consulted a mirror.

252
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,913
That Paki didn't seem offended
when I said it,

253
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,916
neither did this one.

254
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,651
And that's the thing.

255
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:28,287
As a member of a minority,
you're expected to have opinions

256
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,589
on behalf of people
who aren't you, right?

257
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,491
Quite often
when you're in a minority,

258
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:34,794
people will assume you have
opinions that you don't.

259
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:37,263
After several media appearances
in this country,

260
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,532
I have received emails
from strangers

261
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:45,404
asking why I want to impose
Sharia Law on the West...

262
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,673
which, as the atheist son
of Hindu parents,

263
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:50,443
makes me feel ever so naughty.

264
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:57,149
Sharia, moi?

265
00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,452
No, no.

266
00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:02,521
We're expected to have opinions
on everything now.

267
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:03,923
Social media
has done this to us,

268
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:05,324
the Internet more broadly.

269
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,526
I feel like any time
I'm on any website

270
00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:09,762
within about ten seconds,
I'm in a comment section

271
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,964
where someone's just going,
"Define what you mean

272
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,166
by gender
in the contemporary world!"

273
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:17,269
I'm like, "I came here to learn
how to make a risotto."

274
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,309
I know that's very important,

275
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,878
but right now I was
mainly concerned about stock.

276
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,284
That's why I miss
romantic love,

277
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:34,386
I'm telling you.

278
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:36,522
At its best, romantic love

279
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,760
means finding that one person
with whom in private

280
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:44,964
you don't have
to be constantly woke.

281
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,035
[laughing]
Oh, yes, please.

282
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:52,171
Yes, please.

283
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,006
Sorry, just the acknowledgement
that you're both

284
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,041
probably just flawed
human beings trying your best,

285
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,710
and so you can afford
to give one another

286
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,712
the benefit of the doubt
occasionally, which no one else

287
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,413
will do for you anymore
in this fucking world.

288
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,650
Yes, please!
Be still, my beating dick!

289
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:05,851
Oh, God.

290
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:08,687
[cheers and applause]

291
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:12,892
Really, single favorite thing
in the world.

292
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,494
I'm standing front of the hob
stirring something.

293
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:18,164
I hear her come home from work
and hang her coat up,

294
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,866
and I turn over my shoulder
and say, "Hello, darling.

295
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:22,468
"How was work today?

296
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,503
"How many stereotypes
were you forced to pretend

297
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:27,506
have no basis in fact?"

298
00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:33,746
Oh, my day?
Thank you.

299
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:35,414
I learned how to make us
this lovely risotto,

300
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,716
and it was a fucking minefield.

301
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:44,123
I love curry,

302
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,560
my parents are incredibly pushy,
and I'm excellent at maths.

303
00:13:52,031 --> 00:13:54,333
In case you were wondering
what mine were.

304
00:13:56,135 --> 00:13:57,770
Can't keep up.

305
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,305
I've had to stop reading
"The Guardian"

306
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,873
'cause I felt like
every time I got to the end

307
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:02,875
of "The Guardian,"
I was just like...

308
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,948
"But what happened?"

309
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:18,490
"I get how everyone felt."

310
00:14:22,761 --> 00:14:24,763
And then during COVID,
"The Guardian" got very good

311
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,932
at reporting on exactly what
was happening and I was like,

312
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:29,368
"Can we get back to feelings,
actually?"

313
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,241
Maybe that's why
I'm so unsure of everything.

314
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:37,610
I'm not a news junkie anymore
the way that I used to be,

315
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:39,745
but I just can't hack it
'cause what can I affect

316
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,280
on a global level?

317
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,082
I mean, like, look,
the Arab Spring

318
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,384
was a decade ago,
and it's still fucked.

319
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,320
I don't think my tweets
are gonna fix it, you know?

320
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,788
I've read that
the other day, mate.

321
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,624
The Arab Spring
was ten years ago.

322
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,727
I thought how long
can a crisis conceivably last?

323
00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:56,295
And then I looked at
my own personal life,

324
00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:58,631
and I was like, "Yeah, okay.
That makes sense."

325
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:03,469
Even on a narrower scale,

326
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:04,670
what am I supposed
to keep up with?

327
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,005
British politics?

328
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,907
I can't follow
British politics anymore

329
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:09,708
because all British politics
does now

330
00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:12,244
is fill me with a sense
of abiding shame

331
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:17,349
that my ancestors got conquered
by a ruling class this shit.

332
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:23,088
[cheers and applause]

333
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,625
Honestly, sister,

334
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:29,895
my great, great, great, great,
great, great granddad

335
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:35,267
basically got the shit kicked
out of him by Boris Johnson,

336
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:38,070
our prime minister
who contracted the coronavirus,

337
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,471
theoretically got better,

338
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:41,173
and ever since
has looked like a ghost

339
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,109
whose unfinished business
is fucking your wife.

340
00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:47,146
[laughter]

341
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,853
It's fine.

342
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,323
Oh, I try to follow it,
but then, you know,

343
00:15:57,389 --> 00:15:59,992
the country's not run by
or for people like me.

344
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:02,928
It's run by
keep calm and carry on people.

345
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,630
You know the sorts of people
I mean?

346
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:08,334
It's on their tea tow--
ooh, "keep calm and carry on."

347
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,436
That's their mantra.

348
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,304
And they are deeply suspicious
of those of us

349
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:14,707
who can correctly pronounce
the word mantra.

350
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,481
What's this obsession
with the Second World War

351
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,716
for absolutely no reason?

352
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,584
Oh, very well alone

353
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:28,387
as though anyone ever actually
achieved anything that way.

354
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,189
Ooh, keep calm and carry on.
Keep calm and carry on.

355
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:31,690
Keep calm and carry on.

356
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,225
Never remind me
how many genocides it took

357
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,728
to undergird
my relative prosperity.

358
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,167
I should be more interested
in politics.

359
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:43,502
Politics is interested in me,

360
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,270
so I should be interested
in it, right?

361
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:49,041
I live in
an inherently politicized body.

362
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,643
I'm a person of color.

363
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:58,984
[cheers and applause]

364
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,855
Everywhere.

365
00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:09,828
Bro, if I use
a chocolate-flavored condom,

366
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,631
it looks like I'm putting
my dick into my dick.

367
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,970
Person of color.

368
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,272
Not sure when that one
happened, by the way.

369
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,241
Felt like I spent
most of my life being told

370
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:24,209
that "colored" was one
of the most offensive things

371
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,911
I could conceivably be called.

372
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:27,913
Put my "out of office" on
for, like, two days,

373
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:29,281
got back,
and someone was just like,

374
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:30,783
"Ahir, speaking as
a person of color,

375
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,117
how do you feel about--"

376
00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:34,319
"What, fam?
What? What? What?"

377
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:37,256
"Oh, no, everyone thinks
it's fine now."

378
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,797
Absolutely "Matrix"-ed.

379
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:50,803
Person of color.
[giggles]

380
00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:53,105
What a fascinating way
to homogenize the experience

381
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:56,008
of the majority of people
on planet Earth.

382
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,710
[laughter, applause]

383
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:01,747
[cheers and applause]

384
00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:06,485
I'm indistinguishable
from a Black woman.

385
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:11,390
I know why it happens.

386
00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:13,125
Look, most people's hearts
are in the right place.

387
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,194
We've all got a limited amount
of bandwidth up here,

388
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:16,695
and we try and do
the right thing with it,

389
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,465
and I guess, to me,
it just seems like

390
00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:21,667
white people got super good

391
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,869
at acknowledging
the level of diversity

392
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:26,071
that exists within white people

393
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,874
and then the line got drawn
'cause it got too hard, right?

394
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:30,876
And it's very fun for me
'cause I'm friends

395
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,711
with lots of these
young, wet, liberal whites,

396
00:18:32,811 --> 00:18:34,713
and watching them go through
the daily mental gymnastics

397
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,549
is fucking hilarious, right?

398
00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:39,751
Every day they're just like,
"Right, okay, so,

399
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,487
"there are white men
and white women,

400
00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,055
"but obviously lots of
white people don't necessarily

401
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,790
"fall into the conventional
gender binary,

402
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:46,592
"so we need to be a lot more
accepting of that going forward.

403
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,293
"That's only right,
and obviously,

404
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,928
"there are white heterosexuals
and white homosexuals,

405
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:52,164
"but white sexuality
is actually better understood

406
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:54,366
"as a spectrum
where all white people

407
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,401
"fall on a different part
of that spectrum,

408
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,003
"and I think that the way
that you remember that

409
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,671
"about the spectrum
is that if you mix together

410
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,107
"every color in the spectrum,
you get white, right?

411
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,676
"And I think--

412
00:19:04,743 --> 00:19:06,044
"I think I'm right in saying

413
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:07,846
"that currently
at the last update,

414
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,314
"I think currently--
and I haven't checked Twitter

415
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:10,716
"in half an hour,
so please don't murder me

416
00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:12,784
"if I got this wrong,
but I think--

417
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,319
"I think
I'm right in saying

418
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:17,256
"that there are currently
7,000 different types

419
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:21,627
"of white people.

420
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:26,598
"And then there's
the Dothraki horde.

421
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,567
"And you're one of them, Ahir.

422
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,470
"You, Jackie Chan, Beyoncé,
all the same.

423
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,442
"If you guys could just
light your swords on fire

424
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,344
"and charge into
the army of the dead for us,

425
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:42,014
"that'd be great.

426
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,216
"So sorry.
I thought we'd made it clear.

427
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,784
"Your job is to be expendable

428
00:19:45,884 --> 00:19:48,720
so that our characters
can develop."

429
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:55,527
You will never know how clear
that was made to me.

430
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,265
Paradoxically,
my world view feels

431
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,167
a lot more malleable than it did

432
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:04,469
when I was, like,
a teenager, you know?

433
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,837
I feel like my dad's
got the other way.

434
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:08,240
Just more solid grounding
on everything.

435
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:10,709
Ah, for the certainty
of an 18 year old again.

436
00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:13,512
Do you remember that?
Just being sure of stuff.

437
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:15,447
Ah.

438
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:18,650
Everything was black and white
apart from me.

439
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:24,556
Cigarettes are right up there
with the best forms of certainty

440
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:26,291
going in this world, right?

441
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:29,695
20 moments every day
where there was something deeply

442
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:31,663
and profoundly wrong with me,

443
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:34,533
and I knew exactly
how to fix it.

444
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,134
You ever given that degree
of simplicity

445
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:37,803
with any other problem
in your life?

446
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,571
Don't think so.

447
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,807
I had to stop.
I had to stop.

448
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,508
And I've gone
full post-modern by the way

449
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:45,043
'cause I said
I've stopped smoking.

450
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:47,312
More accurately,
people who love me kept yelling

451
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:48,847
that they were worried
I was going to die,

452
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:52,517
so now I have to smoke
a fucking USB stick.

453
00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:03,895
It looks shit,
but you can't tell your mum

454
00:21:03,962 --> 00:21:08,667
you'd rather be a dead legend
than a living nerd.

455
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,803
[cheers and applause]

456
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:15,474
I don't get--everyone got
very anti-smoking very quickly.

457
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:17,409
I got successfully
peer pressured

458
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:19,544
out of something
that 15 years ago

459
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:23,348
I was peer pressured into.

460
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,117
I had to stop.

461
00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:26,518
Basically, what happened was

462
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:28,320
my girlfriend
never liked me smoking,

463
00:21:28,387 --> 00:21:30,756
which is obviously legit,
so eventually I stopped smoking,

464
00:21:30,822 --> 00:21:32,391
and then six months later,
she realized

465
00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:35,093
that she actually
didn't like me.

466
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,798
Which is equally legit,

467
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:44,036
but admittedly,
tougher habit to crack.

468
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,437
I don't know
if anyone in the room

469
00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:50,475
has ever attempted
to vape themselves.

470
00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:52,811
Trying to quit my personality
for a full 30 years now,

471
00:21:52,878 --> 00:21:56,048
and it's proved impossible
at every hurdle.

472
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:57,416
I keep forgetting to charge it.

473
00:21:57,482 --> 00:21:59,151
I keep forgetting to charge it,

474
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:01,353
so I have to carry this massive
portable charging block

475
00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:02,788
with me everywhere I go.

476
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:04,890
It's fucking huge
'cause you can put an iPad

477
00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:06,491
and a phone
and everything into it,

478
00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:08,727
and I only ever remember
when I'm on a train,

479
00:22:08,794 --> 00:22:10,829
so I sit down,
plug everything in,

480
00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:13,598
push a button on the side,
it all lights up at once.

481
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,434
Every so often,
a commuter shoots me a look

482
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:17,002
from the corner of their eye

483
00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:18,870
'cause for a microsecond
they're convinced

484
00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:23,041
I'm about to go
full Allahu Akbar, but...

485
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:24,343
It's not even
just white people.

486
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:26,144
Other brown people are like,
"Fuck me.

487
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:29,915
This Paki is going full Allahu
Akbar in front of everyone."

488
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,750
I tried to explain this
to my partner,

489
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,719
but she didn't get it
'cause she was covered

490
00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:35,587
in loads of tiny brown bits,

491
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:36,955
and those are known
as "freckles"

492
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,024
and are associated
with being cute,

493
00:22:39,124 --> 00:22:41,727
whereas I am covered
in one massive brown bit,

494
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:43,395
and that's called skin

495
00:22:43,495 --> 00:22:46,631
and is associated with being
see it, say it, sorted.

496
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:53,972
See, I have to say
for the Americans--

497
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,042
so on our trains, they say,
"See it, say it, sorted."

498
00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,845
I know on yours they say,
"See something, say something."

499
00:22:59,911 --> 00:23:01,513
That's the phrase over there.

500
00:23:01,613 --> 00:23:03,215
And it's not like,
"See something,

501
00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:04,750
say something, sorted."

502
00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:06,251
I think it's more
"See something,

503
00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:09,154
say something, shot."

504
00:23:13,759 --> 00:23:16,962
This thing's just surgically
attached to my bottom lip now.

505
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:20,365
'Cause it's
not like a cigarette,

506
00:23:20,432 --> 00:23:21,833
which has a definitive end.

507
00:23:21,933 --> 00:23:23,602
This is basically
the world going,

508
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:25,370
"Hey, Ahir, you know that air
you were breathing anyway?

509
00:23:25,437 --> 00:23:27,906
Do you want drugs in it?"
Yes.

510
00:23:31,877 --> 00:23:34,146
And cigarettes were my reset,
you know?

511
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:35,647
Every so often,
just five minutes

512
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:39,451
where this could stop,
refresh, defragment.

513
00:23:39,518 --> 00:23:42,254
I don't have that anymore,
so all of the thoughts

514
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,922
just pile up
on top of one another

515
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,390
and all of
the uncertainty compounds

516
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:46,925
and it's no good for me.

517
00:23:46,992 --> 00:23:48,427
I'm making positive steps, guys.

518
00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:50,562
I'm back on medication.
I'm back on my bullshit.

519
00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:53,598
Yeah, yeah,
basically what happened was,

520
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:55,066
right, for a year,

521
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:56,968
I came off
antidepressant medication,

522
00:23:57,035 --> 00:24:02,240
and it turns out that
that is a pro depressant.

523
00:24:02,307 --> 00:24:03,909
I'm a smart man.

524
00:24:04,009 --> 00:24:07,012
You'd think I'd have been able
to work that out, but no.

525
00:24:07,078 --> 00:24:08,713
It's interesting,
you know,

526
00:24:08,814 --> 00:24:10,215
the world keeps turning
even if you're not taking part

527
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:11,983
in elements of all of it,
you know?

528
00:24:12,083 --> 00:24:14,252
And you hop back on the wagon
and things change,

529
00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:15,587
not all of them for the worst.

530
00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:18,223
Some things change
for the better.

531
00:24:18,323 --> 00:24:23,528
My pharmacist takes AmEx now.

532
00:24:23,595 --> 00:24:26,431
So now I get

533
00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:31,369
air miles on antidepressants...

534
00:24:31,436 --> 00:24:33,305
which is the single most
millennial thing

535
00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:36,208
I've ever done.

536
00:24:36,274 --> 00:24:37,976
Who knew that a side effect
of mental illness

537
00:24:38,043 --> 00:24:39,211
would be business class?

538
00:24:39,277 --> 00:24:41,313
I had no idea.

539
00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:43,715
And I love to travel,
and I love to get a deal,

540
00:24:43,815 --> 00:24:45,517
so I wanna brag about
what a good deal

541
00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:47,953
I'm gonna get on my travels,
but I have to do that with you

542
00:24:48,053 --> 00:24:49,721
because I can't
very well get on a plane

543
00:24:49,788 --> 00:24:51,256
and the person sat next to me
is like,

544
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,325
"Hey, so why'd you decide
to take this flight?"

545
00:24:53,391 --> 00:24:55,727
"I'm suicidal."

546
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:04,269
Every day I take
a vitamin B supplement

547
00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:05,604
because I don't eat meat.

548
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:07,239
I take a vitamin D supplement

549
00:25:07,305 --> 00:25:09,441
because even the sun
in this country hates me.

550
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,343
And I take an antidepressant

551
00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:13,612
because I've never been
overly fond of myself either,

552
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:17,549
and it's odd
doing three things daily

553
00:25:17,649 --> 00:25:20,085
to make yourself feel
how other people

554
00:25:20,151 --> 00:25:23,288
presumably just feel
the whole time, right?

555
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:25,524
Just wanted to be the sort of
person whose internal monologue

556
00:25:25,590 --> 00:25:28,159
wasn't always on caps lock.

557
00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:33,999
And no, none of it's a cure,
obviously, but it helps.

558
00:25:34,065 --> 00:25:35,534
It helps.

559
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,670
I hate that I'm that easy
to work out.

560
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:41,907
I mean, I wake up
every morning thinking,

561
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:45,043
"Oh, another day in the life
of a tortured artist."

562
00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:47,245
I go to the bathroom,
neck three tablets, and go,

563
00:25:47,312 --> 00:25:48,680
"No, it's just another day
in the life

564
00:25:48,747 --> 00:25:51,650
of a sad, brown,
vegetarian, really."

565
00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:57,656
It's much less exciting.

566
00:25:57,722 --> 00:25:59,891
But none of us like to feel
as though we're simple enough

567
00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:01,927
for the simple answers
to work on us, right?

568
00:26:01,993 --> 00:26:04,563
We all hope to be that bit
more complex than other people.

569
00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:07,399
It's like whenever I go
to my doctor and he says,

570
00:26:07,465 --> 00:26:09,434
"Oh, do you know what's really
good for your mental health,

571
00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:11,036
"is a better diet
and exercise.

572
00:26:11,102 --> 00:26:13,471
Have you ever considered
a better diet and exercise?"

573
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,107
And every time he says
"better diet and exercise,"

574
00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:19,644
I just think, "Please be lying."

575
00:26:22,347 --> 00:26:25,717
I am willing
to try anything else.

576
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:32,290
What was your suggestion?
Sorry, an apple and a jog?

577
00:26:32,357 --> 00:26:35,393
Poison apple, jog off a cliff.
Job done.

578
00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:41,199
And then I went through
several very difficult months

579
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:43,468
in the spring of 2019,
and I started eating fruit

580
00:26:43,568 --> 00:26:46,004
and going to the gym,
and I felt great.

581
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:49,874
Fucking livid.

582
00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:54,312
Isn't that rubbish?

583
00:26:54,412 --> 00:26:56,748
All of the trite bullshit
just turns out to be true,

584
00:26:56,848 --> 00:26:58,383
and that's why
it became trite bullshit

585
00:26:58,483 --> 00:27:00,251
in the first place.

586
00:27:00,318 --> 00:27:03,054
Every cliche is just the grain
of sand that is at the center

587
00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,490
of a pearl of something
genuinely valuable, right?

588
00:27:05,557 --> 00:27:06,992
This will piss you off.

589
00:27:07,092 --> 00:27:09,027
Do you know the single
best piece of advice

590
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,062
you could be given in life

591
00:27:11,162 --> 00:27:15,066
for roughly
80% of your problems?

592
00:27:15,166 --> 00:27:18,670
Keep calm and carry on.

593
00:27:18,770 --> 00:27:21,373
[cheers and applause]

594
00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:27,312
The truest way to stay sane
on the face of this Earth

595
00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:31,282
is framed
on the walls of cretins.

596
00:27:34,152 --> 00:27:36,655
At 18, I think I genuinely
thought that year on year,

597
00:27:36,721 --> 00:27:38,556
everything would just
make more and more sense

598
00:27:38,623 --> 00:27:42,127
until finally it's just like,
"Bah, we've got it now."

599
00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:44,896
Fucking moron.

600
00:27:44,963 --> 00:27:49,367
I think I know where that lie
comes from there.

601
00:27:49,434 --> 00:27:51,703
I learned how to swim at a place

602
00:27:51,803 --> 00:27:54,873
called Vale Farm Sports Centre
in northwest London, right?

603
00:27:54,973 --> 00:27:57,676
We used to get the coach there
from Lyon Park Infant School.

604
00:27:57,742 --> 00:28:00,111
Felt like it took longer
than the Trans-Siberian Railway.

605
00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:02,414
I looked it up the other day.
11 minutes.

606
00:28:04,215 --> 00:28:06,284
But at that age, I'd experienced
a lot less time,

607
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,387
so time felt like it took longer
while passing, right?

608
00:28:09,487 --> 00:28:12,691
And I learned how to swim

609
00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:16,194
in a small, warm, shallow pool

610
00:28:16,294 --> 00:28:18,830
where it felt like
there was one person constantly

611
00:28:18,930 --> 00:28:21,599
and vigilantly looking out
for just me,

612
00:28:21,666 --> 00:28:24,102
and when I got
just good enough at that,

613
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:28,907
I was moved into a much deeper,
larger, colder pool

614
00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:31,109
where the one person
who was apparently tasked

615
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:33,144
with looking after everyone
felt as though

616
00:28:33,244 --> 00:28:34,546
they were absolutely
miles away

617
00:28:34,646 --> 00:28:36,347
with their back turned
half the time,

618
00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:38,516
and I was taught
to feel proud of myself

619
00:28:38,583 --> 00:28:41,686
because that meant
I was growing up.

620
00:28:41,753 --> 00:28:43,755
Growing up is the cold pool,

621
00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:47,525
and the only advantage
of the cold pool is less piss.

622
00:28:51,629 --> 00:28:53,531
I'd make that trade.

623
00:28:53,598 --> 00:28:56,735
I would be slathered in piss...

624
00:28:56,801 --> 00:28:59,871
for the security
of my childhood once more.

625
00:28:59,971 --> 00:29:02,607
I can't have it anymore
'cause I'm a grown-up now,

626
00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:03,842
and not even a grown-up

627
00:29:03,908 --> 00:29:05,744
who enjoys
being slathered in piss.

628
00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:10,348
I'm a grown-up now.

629
00:29:10,448 --> 00:29:12,484
We've not even got
a good word for it in English.

630
00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:14,252
I was watching
an Italian comedian

631
00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:15,787
with English subtitles,

632
00:29:15,887 --> 00:29:17,522
and he had a whole bit
about growing up.

633
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:21,559
Do you know the Italian word
for growing up?

634
00:29:21,626 --> 00:29:24,095
Crescendo.

635
00:29:24,162 --> 00:29:26,831
Ain't that better?
Crescendo.

636
00:29:26,931 --> 00:29:29,868
There's some optimism
to crescendo.

637
00:29:29,968 --> 00:29:32,303
It makes more sense because
it's literally what happens

638
00:29:32,403 --> 00:29:36,374
when crash-endo.

639
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:39,410
[cheers and applause]

640
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:46,084
I wanted to crescendo,
but instead I grew up.

641
00:29:46,151 --> 00:29:48,586
And I don't mean
in that sort of "adulting" way

642
00:29:48,686 --> 00:29:50,889
that tedious millennials
enjoy complaining about.

643
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,991
You know, you get people who
are fully, like, 32 years old

644
00:29:53,091 --> 00:29:55,093
going like,
"Oh, it's so difficult adulting.

645
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:56,995
Oh, I hate adulting."

646
00:29:57,095 --> 00:29:59,264
But what they actually mean is,
"Oh, I hate not being able

647
00:29:59,364 --> 00:30:01,800
to outsource domestic labor
to my mother."

648
00:30:05,370 --> 00:30:06,805
Well, it turns out
ironing's hard.

649
00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:11,543
Why isn't there a woman
to take for granted?

650
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:13,812
Learning what interest rates are
is hard,

651
00:30:13,878 --> 00:30:17,515
but it's not adulting.

652
00:30:17,582 --> 00:30:19,984
My dad has set
two corpses on fire.

653
00:30:20,084 --> 00:30:21,986
That's adulting.

654
00:30:22,086 --> 00:30:25,590
[laughter]

655
00:30:29,227 --> 00:30:33,531
For Hindu reasons.

656
00:30:33,598 --> 00:30:35,433
So to be absolutely clear,
in our culture,

657
00:30:35,533 --> 00:30:37,335
if you're the eldest male child,

658
00:30:37,402 --> 00:30:39,037
then when your mum and dad
pop their clogs,

659
00:30:39,103 --> 00:30:40,638
then it's your responsibility
to...

660
00:30:40,705 --> 00:30:42,707
[clicks tongue, whooshes]

661
00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:47,445
Two is the max
you can get away with.

662
00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:52,283
You start trying to move
on the great uncles and aunts,

663
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:55,320
and people are like,
"Brother, you into this."

664
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,625
He set fire to his father
a very long time ago.

665
00:31:00,725 --> 00:31:02,393
More recently
set fire to his mother.

666
00:31:02,493 --> 00:31:05,930
And I'm the male child
in my family, right?

667
00:31:05,997 --> 00:31:07,732
So theoretically,
that's my responsibility,

668
00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:10,335
and I had a conversation
with my mum about this.

669
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:12,670
It's one of the most fascinating
conversations I've ever had

670
00:31:12,770 --> 00:31:14,439
'cause my mum sat me down
and said,

671
00:31:14,505 --> 00:31:16,908
"Ahir, I am perfectly happy

672
00:31:17,008 --> 00:31:22,914
with the idea of you
setting fire to your father."

673
00:31:23,014 --> 00:31:25,650
"However, on a personal level,

674
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:29,120
"I would rather your big sister
set fire to me

675
00:31:29,187 --> 00:31:32,323
in the name of gender equality."

676
00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:34,125
Now, I really liked that

677
00:31:34,192 --> 00:31:35,693
because that is
an entirely understandable

678
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,629
and indeed admirable sentiment
to have,

679
00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,031
but I also know my sister
very well,

680
00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:43,268
and I'm approximately
1 billion percent confident

681
00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:45,103
that her feminism stops

682
00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:47,105
at exactly the point
where she is called upon

683
00:31:47,205 --> 00:31:52,076
to immolate the corpse
of her dead mum.

684
00:31:52,143 --> 00:31:55,813
[laughter and applause]

685
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,249
I obviously hope this doesn't
happen for a very long time,

686
00:31:58,316 --> 00:32:01,152
but I can imagine decades
from now sat opposite a table

687
00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:04,756
with her having the most morbid
admin chat of our lives.

688
00:32:04,822 --> 00:32:06,991
And I'm just like,
"Didi, you know that Mummy

689
00:32:07,091 --> 00:32:08,626
wanted you to be the one to...
[clicks tongue]"

690
00:32:08,726 --> 00:32:10,695
And she's like,
"Yeah, Ahir, I did know that.

691
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:12,163
"Did you know that,
on average,

692
00:32:12,230 --> 00:32:16,567
women are paid less
for equal work than men?"

693
00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:18,903
"Yes, I did know that.
What's your point?"

694
00:32:19,003 --> 00:32:21,839
"Buy a lighter."

695
00:32:24,342 --> 00:32:26,945
Think Dad had the right mix
of everything.

696
00:32:27,045 --> 00:32:30,882
Yeah, the pre-modern,
the modern, and the post-modern.

697
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:33,284
My father was sealed
into a metal tube

698
00:32:33,351 --> 00:32:36,454
and shot at hundreds of miles
an hour across continents

699
00:32:36,521 --> 00:32:38,323
in order to land in India,

700
00:32:38,389 --> 00:32:40,825
go to a temple,
recite the sacred mantras,

701
00:32:40,925 --> 00:32:42,894
and set fire
to the body of a loved one

702
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:44,896
as countless generations had
before him

703
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:46,531
and then leave that temple

704
00:32:46,597 --> 00:32:51,369
and let me know exactly
how it went over WhatsApp.

705
00:32:51,436 --> 00:32:52,870
It's everything, isn't it?

706
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:55,006
Everything from every era
sort of comes together

707
00:32:55,073 --> 00:32:58,242
and makes everything else
that little bit more manageable.

708
00:32:58,309 --> 00:33:00,912
It's all valuable, right?
The pre-modern stuff included.

709
00:33:01,012 --> 00:33:02,914
We give it short shrift
comparatively now,

710
00:33:03,014 --> 00:33:04,782
but it is important, right?

711
00:33:04,882 --> 00:33:06,551
Take for example, these mantras.

712
00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:08,753
These are, like,
holy Hindu phrases

713
00:33:08,853 --> 00:33:10,722
that give you
some sense of grounding,

714
00:33:10,788 --> 00:33:12,423
what to think about,
some purpose.

715
00:33:12,523 --> 00:33:14,692
I started reciting them
myself again like I used to

716
00:33:14,759 --> 00:33:17,762
when I was a child,
so in the mornings I'll be like,

717
00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:22,400
[recites mantra in Sanskrit]

718
00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:24,369
For white people,
that's like,

719
00:33:24,435 --> 00:33:27,839
when you recite stuff like
#liveyourbestlife.

720
00:33:27,905 --> 00:33:30,875
[laughter]

721
00:33:32,143 --> 00:33:34,278
So...
[speaks Sanskrit]

722
00:33:34,345 --> 00:33:37,515
I think is Sanskrit for
"You just do you, babes."

723
00:33:42,887 --> 00:33:45,089
Belief helps, I think.
Faith matters.

724
00:33:45,156 --> 00:33:47,425
And that's not a maybe for Dad.
That's a certainty.

725
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:49,560
And there's nothing as soothing
as that.

726
00:33:49,627 --> 00:33:53,264
As with everything,
not really sure anymore.

727
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:56,634
I call myself an atheist,
but I am very worried

728
00:33:56,734 --> 00:34:01,105
I am very close to becoming
intensely religious...

729
00:34:03,641 --> 00:34:07,345
Which would be so annoying
'cause it's definitely bollocks.

730
00:34:10,415 --> 00:34:11,549
Here's the thing, right?

731
00:34:11,649 --> 00:34:13,184
You as a human being

732
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,986
have all of these questions
about life, the universe,

733
00:34:15,086 --> 00:34:16,854
and everything, right?
That's normal.

734
00:34:16,921 --> 00:34:20,792
Turns out number of questions
grows exponentially over time.

735
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,560
I am a young person.

736
00:34:22,627 --> 00:34:24,228
I feel like I've already got
so many questions,

737
00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,063
and it feels like year on year,

738
00:34:26,164 --> 00:34:28,633
there are just gonna be more
and more questions coming at me

739
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:32,103
until eventually that snowball
turns into a fucking avalanche,

740
00:34:32,203 --> 00:34:34,705
and I know that during
that entire process,

741
00:34:34,806 --> 00:34:38,443
religion is there being like...

742
00:34:42,513 --> 00:34:45,483
[cheers and applause]

743
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,355
"When you're ready.

744
00:34:55,126 --> 00:34:56,227
"So I just couldn't help
but overhear

745
00:34:56,327 --> 00:34:57,929
"that you've got
some questions.

746
00:34:57,995 --> 00:34:59,831
"Uh, thought you might like
to know we have existed

747
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,399
"for literally
thousands of years

748
00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:03,868
"to provide
literally every answer.

749
00:35:07,004 --> 00:35:11,609
"So if you ever feel like
thumbing through a brochure,

750
00:35:11,676 --> 00:35:14,479
they are all bestsellers
in their own right."

751
00:35:19,851 --> 00:35:21,686
Where did you get the answers?

752
00:35:26,157 --> 00:35:30,595
"Don't worry about it."

753
00:35:30,695 --> 00:35:33,965
[applause]

754
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:38,836
No, no, I think I would
actually quite like to know.

755
00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:43,174
Where did you get
all of those answers?

756
00:35:43,241 --> 00:35:46,911
"We made them up
to control people, fine.

757
00:35:47,011 --> 00:35:48,613
"Why is that bad?
Why is that bad?

758
00:35:48,679 --> 00:35:50,515
"Haven't you found
total intellectual liberty

759
00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:51,749
"paradoxically alienating,

760
00:35:51,849 --> 00:35:53,484
"and wouldn't you
willfully give up

761
00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:55,386
"some of your precious control
in exchange for answers

762
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:57,488
even if that did mean
a net loss of freedom?"

763
00:35:57,555 --> 00:36:00,158
Yes.

764
00:36:03,127 --> 00:36:04,629
You're like, "Look.

765
00:36:04,729 --> 00:36:10,168
I don't know what the sea is."

766
00:36:15,606 --> 00:36:17,241
So I'm stood by a beach, right?

767
00:36:17,308 --> 00:36:18,776
And I'm watching waves
come closer

768
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:20,278
and closer to my feet,
and I'm thinking,

769
00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:21,612
"Yeah, that happens 'cause of

770
00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:23,347
"the gravitational effect
of the moon

771
00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:25,349
"creating a lunar tidal effect

772
00:36:25,449 --> 00:36:27,852
"that raises the level
of the thing that brings--"

773
00:36:27,919 --> 00:36:29,554
based on a GCSE physics lesson

774
00:36:29,654 --> 00:36:31,856
that I half listened to
about 15 years ago.

775
00:36:33,424 --> 00:36:36,194
Why is that better
than Poseidon?

776
00:36:40,331 --> 00:36:41,966
I'm glad someone knows,
but I don't need to.

777
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:45,369
I'm not a ship's captain.
[scoffs]

778
00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:48,439
Why is it better
that I know as I do

779
00:36:48,506 --> 00:36:51,676
that stars are finite balls
of gas light-years away

780
00:36:51,776 --> 00:36:53,945
that will eventually
extinguish into nothing

781
00:36:54,045 --> 00:36:56,647
when I could simply believe
as people used to

782
00:36:56,714 --> 00:36:58,916
that those dots are holes
in the floor of heaven?

783
00:36:58,983 --> 00:37:01,452
At least that way, I'd feel
less tiny every time I remember

784
00:37:01,519 --> 00:37:05,690
I'll never be able
to count them all.

785
00:37:05,756 --> 00:37:07,992
I don't know what a cloud is.

786
00:37:08,092 --> 00:37:09,827
None of you do.

787
00:37:14,865 --> 00:37:16,667
Be fully honest with yourself.

788
00:37:16,767 --> 00:37:21,672
Not one of you is properly
confident of what a cloud is.

789
00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:22,974
Best guess,

790
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:28,646
certain altitude,
water gets fluffy.

791
00:37:28,713 --> 00:37:31,682
[cheers and applause]

792
00:37:34,785 --> 00:37:38,756
Think if I had to believe
in something, it'd be Hinduism,

793
00:37:38,856 --> 00:37:43,227
which is coincidentally the one
I was told was true as a child.

794
00:37:43,327 --> 00:37:44,895
It's the closest
to the way that I think

795
00:37:44,962 --> 00:37:46,964
that the world works anyway.

796
00:37:47,031 --> 00:37:49,133
Favorite part of Hinduism
is a thing called moksha.

797
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,202
Anyone know what that is?
No?

798
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:54,272
You've all heard
of reincarnation though, right?

799
00:37:54,372 --> 00:37:56,674
That's one of our, like,
absolute top ten bangers.

800
00:38:00,444 --> 00:38:02,847
So here's the interesting bit.

801
00:38:02,913 --> 00:38:05,416
Reincarnation
isn't the end goal,

802
00:38:05,483 --> 00:38:07,151
if you will, right?

803
00:38:07,251 --> 00:38:09,720
The idea is you go through
all of these circles of birth

804
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:12,356
and rebirth until eventually
you fulfill your karma,

805
00:38:12,423 --> 00:38:15,126
your duty to such an extent
that you get moksha.

806
00:38:15,192 --> 00:38:17,161
You get released
from the cycle,

807
00:38:17,228 --> 00:38:19,664
and your atman
can join the universal Brahman

808
00:38:19,764 --> 00:38:21,432
in an eternal state of nirvana,

809
00:38:21,532 --> 00:38:22,867
and that's what
you actually want.

810
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:25,002
You want the moksha,
the release, right?

811
00:38:25,069 --> 00:38:27,805
And that's fascinating to me
because it confirms something

812
00:38:27,872 --> 00:38:30,841
I've long suspected
and I think we all suspect

813
00:38:30,908 --> 00:38:32,877
at at least
some point in our lives,

814
00:38:32,943 --> 00:38:37,248
which is the idea
that this is the punishment.

815
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,583
[laughter]

816
00:38:39,684 --> 00:38:42,720
[applause]

817
00:38:44,055 --> 00:38:46,691
Not specifically this.

818
00:38:49,694 --> 00:38:52,830
In a bit broader sense.

819
00:38:54,865 --> 00:38:56,233
I once asked my dad

820
00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:58,035
if he honestly
believed in reincarnation,

821
00:38:58,102 --> 00:38:59,270
and he said to me,

822
00:38:59,370 --> 00:39:00,771
"Ahir, look at you
and your sister.

823
00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:02,373
"I have two already
and I'm not dead yet.

824
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:04,442
How could I not believe?"

825
00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:06,544
Nice way of thinking of it.

826
00:39:06,644 --> 00:39:08,245
I too want
religious justification

827
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:11,649
to live vicariously
through my children.

828
00:39:11,716 --> 00:39:13,851
It'd be great.
Why not?

829
00:39:13,918 --> 00:39:16,120
Look, I know given the state
of the contemporary world,

830
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:18,689
having children
could be seen as a selfish act.

831
00:39:18,756 --> 00:39:20,891
If I say to you that I'd like
to have children one day,

832
00:39:20,958 --> 00:39:22,727
all I'm basically saying is that

833
00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:26,997
I'd quite like something soft
to cuddle during the end time.

834
00:39:33,804 --> 00:39:39,343
Mummy and Daddy couldn't afford
to buy you gills.

835
00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:41,045
No, the rich parents,

836
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:43,080
they were able to genetically
engineer their bubbas

837
00:39:43,147 --> 00:39:45,516
to breathe under the water
we're forced to live under now,

838
00:39:45,583 --> 00:39:47,451
but Daddy insisted
on being an artist,

839
00:39:47,518 --> 00:39:49,887
so no gills for you, no.

840
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,291
Ooh, but Mummy and Daddy
love you so much.

841
00:39:54,358 --> 00:39:56,026
We love you so much,
and you are going to grow up

842
00:39:56,127 --> 00:39:58,396
to be so big and strong
so you can fight for us

843
00:39:58,496 --> 00:40:00,798
in the resource wars.

844
00:40:08,272 --> 00:40:11,108
I often feel quite detached
from the present,

845
00:40:11,208 --> 00:40:14,712
so to tie myself
to an idea of the future,

846
00:40:14,812 --> 00:40:17,681
I have started planning
the lives of my children

847
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:21,485
who do not exist
in creepy detail.

848
00:40:21,552 --> 00:40:23,954
Ten out of ten would recommend
favorite game, right?

849
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:27,691
So e.g., I attended
the University of Cambridge,

850
00:40:27,758 --> 00:40:30,895
so my children will be attending
the University of Cambridge

851
00:40:30,961 --> 00:40:33,264
because the system is awful

852
00:40:33,364 --> 00:40:34,799
until you get
your foot in the door,

853
00:40:34,865 --> 00:40:36,801
and the second you've got
your foot in the door,

854
00:40:36,867 --> 00:40:39,203
you find yourself going,

855
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:42,606
"Fuck me, there's nice shit
on the other side of that door."

856
00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:47,344
We need more Pakis
through the door.

857
00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:51,248
I mean, look, the walls can't be
the only thing that's mahogany.

858
00:40:57,922 --> 00:41:00,491
Few years ago, I was sat
in the senate house in Cambridge

859
00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:02,092
watching my friends
Tim and Lois

860
00:41:02,159 --> 00:41:04,829
collect their doctorates
and genuinely thought to myself,

861
00:41:04,929 --> 00:41:07,431
"Ah, so sad that I'll never be
in this building again

862
00:41:07,531 --> 00:41:09,200
until my kids graduate."

863
00:41:12,102 --> 00:41:13,604
They do not exist,

864
00:41:13,671 --> 00:41:16,874
and I am the most
pushy Indian father imaginable.

865
00:41:19,343 --> 00:41:21,946
I'm definitely gonna be like
that though without question

866
00:41:22,046 --> 00:41:23,280
'cause, look, right,

867
00:41:23,347 --> 00:41:24,682
I'm a second-generation
immigrant,

868
00:41:24,748 --> 00:41:26,083
which is like
a regular immigrant

869
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:27,751
but Wi-Fi enabled, right?

870
00:41:30,855 --> 00:41:33,023
I feel very British

871
00:41:33,123 --> 00:41:35,159
and very Indian
as a consequence, right?

872
00:41:35,226 --> 00:41:38,529
Like, I once saw
a world map on a wall

873
00:41:38,596 --> 00:41:41,031
and stopped to look at it
and thought, "Huh.

874
00:41:41,131 --> 00:41:43,334
"Out of every country,
Britain and India

875
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:46,470
definitely have
the nicest shapes."

876
00:41:48,973 --> 00:41:52,443
Just, like, just the outline
is the most instinctively

877
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:54,011
aesthetically appealing to me.

878
00:41:54,078 --> 00:41:55,713
[chuckles]
Nice.

879
00:41:55,813 --> 00:41:58,816
That's how dumb nationalism
makes everyone.

880
00:41:58,883 --> 00:42:01,085
The nicest shape.

881
00:42:01,151 --> 00:42:04,154
One of them decided
the shape of the other one!

882
00:42:06,590 --> 00:42:09,560
[cheers and applause]

883
00:42:11,729 --> 00:42:13,664
I feel very British
and very Indian,

884
00:42:13,764 --> 00:42:15,199
and Indian people
are even better

885
00:42:15,266 --> 00:42:16,867
at being British
than British people.

886
00:42:16,967 --> 00:42:18,269
I don't know if you knew this,
but it is true, right?

887
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:19,603
Think about it.

888
00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:21,171
Who's the most famous
Indian ever?

889
00:42:21,238 --> 00:42:23,173
Mahatma Gandhi, fair to say?

890
00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:24,775
Yeah?
Main achievement?

891
00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:28,078
Defeated the British empire.
Main tactic?

892
00:42:28,145 --> 00:42:30,414
Keep calm and carry on.

893
00:42:34,785 --> 00:42:37,488
Secondary tactic?
No snacks.

894
00:42:44,395 --> 00:42:46,997
So I want to make sure
that lessons from both sides

895
00:42:47,064 --> 00:42:49,667
have passed down
to the generations.

896
00:42:49,767 --> 00:42:52,670
Otherwise, there's stuff
that will be forgotten.

897
00:42:52,770 --> 00:42:56,607
Like, I am,
by a considerable margin,

898
00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:59,710
a member of the most
comfortable generation

899
00:42:59,810 --> 00:43:02,880
that has ever existed
in the history of my family,

900
00:43:02,947 --> 00:43:04,848
and that is a very odd sentence
to hear

901
00:43:04,915 --> 00:43:06,517
from the mouth
of a British millennial,

902
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:08,118
but that's 'cause
no one ever bothers

903
00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:10,387
to talk to the shit ton
of British millennials

904
00:43:10,487 --> 00:43:13,290
who, like me,
have parents who were born

905
00:43:13,357 --> 00:43:16,894
developing-world poor, right?

906
00:43:16,961 --> 00:43:19,363
I'm on HBO.
This is smashing it.

907
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:21,365
All right?

908
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:24,401
[cheers and applause]

909
00:43:27,204 --> 00:43:29,573
To an extent they could
never have conceived of

910
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:31,208
when they were children, right?

911
00:43:31,275 --> 00:43:33,077
And that is a very important
thing to bear in mind.

912
00:43:33,143 --> 00:43:36,080
My mum and dad were born fucked,
knew it,

913
00:43:36,146 --> 00:43:38,315
set their expectations
accordingly,

914
00:43:38,415 --> 00:43:41,552
and managed to somehow
dramatically exceed them.

915
00:43:41,652 --> 00:43:45,990
As a consequence, I was born
much less fucked in a society

916
00:43:46,090 --> 00:43:48,726
where my expectations
were set so much higher

917
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:50,894
that I've never been able
to attain them,

918
00:43:50,961 --> 00:43:52,730
and every minor slight

919
00:43:52,796 --> 00:43:55,766
now feels like
an abject catastrophe, right?

920
00:43:55,833 --> 00:43:59,003
And that is an important sense
of perspective to bear in mind,

921
00:43:59,069 --> 00:44:02,239
so every so often I'll go back
to Wembley and Northwest London

922
00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:03,907
where my parents live
and I'll be like,

923
00:44:04,008 --> 00:44:06,910
"Oh, Mum, I'll never get a flat.
I'll never get a flat."

924
00:44:07,011 --> 00:44:08,445
And she'll be like,

925
00:44:08,512 --> 00:44:11,315
"Yeah, you know what else
you'll never get?

926
00:44:11,415 --> 00:44:13,150
"Malaria.

927
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:17,788
"That's good, isn't it?

928
00:44:17,888 --> 00:44:19,089
"That one was genuinely
touch and go

929
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:21,692
"for quite a while, yeah.

930
00:44:21,759 --> 00:44:25,362
Hey, Ahir, you ever been
in a full-blown religious riot?"

931
00:44:26,930 --> 00:44:29,733
Been on a "Stop Brexit" march.

932
00:44:35,439 --> 00:44:38,075
Not saying that contemporary
problems are irrelevant.

933
00:44:38,175 --> 00:44:40,277
I'm just saying that
a healthy sense of perspective

934
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:41,879
is sometimes in order

935
00:44:41,945 --> 00:44:44,048
'cause I think that that
distance between expectation

936
00:44:44,114 --> 00:44:45,816
and reality is at the root

937
00:44:45,883 --> 00:44:47,718
of a lot
of the psychological problems

938
00:44:47,785 --> 00:44:49,086
we currently have
as a collective,

939
00:44:49,153 --> 00:44:50,954
and, by God, they are myriad.

940
00:44:51,055 --> 00:44:53,957
They are why therapists are rich
and everyone else is a prick.

941
00:44:57,127 --> 00:44:58,729
Shortly after
I started university,

942
00:44:58,796 --> 00:45:01,865
I went on holiday to India
with my dad,

943
00:45:01,965 --> 00:45:05,936
and my cousin was driving us
around this residential area

944
00:45:06,003 --> 00:45:08,238
in the city of Ahmadabad
in Gujarat.

945
00:45:08,305 --> 00:45:10,708
And suddenly out of nowhere,
my dad just yells,

946
00:45:10,808 --> 00:45:12,643
"Stop the car!"

947
00:45:14,912 --> 00:45:17,081
I've never done that.

948
00:45:17,147 --> 00:45:18,949
I wanna do that so goddamn bad.

949
00:45:19,049 --> 00:45:20,350
I've never done something--

950
00:45:20,451 --> 00:45:21,752
have any of you
ever done "stop the car"?

951
00:45:21,852 --> 00:45:24,555
I've never done
a "stop the car."

952
00:45:24,655 --> 00:45:27,891
Multiple times a week
I'll do a, "Here's fine."

953
00:45:30,928 --> 00:45:34,431
[cheers and applause]

954
00:45:34,531 --> 00:45:35,766
But I've never done
a "stop the car."

955
00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:36,934
Oh, I want to do
a "stop the car."

956
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:38,202
I want to do
a "stop the car."

957
00:45:38,268 --> 00:45:41,772
I want to do
a "follow that car."

958
00:45:41,839 --> 00:45:43,040
I wanna do a "stop the car,"

959
00:45:43,107 --> 00:45:44,508
I want to do
a "follow that car,"

960
00:45:44,608 --> 00:45:46,276
and I wanna do a,
"There's a 50 in it for you

961
00:45:46,343 --> 00:45:49,113
if you get me there
in time for the plane."

962
00:45:51,482 --> 00:45:54,551
My dad yells, "Stop the car!"
My cousin slams on her brakes.

963
00:45:54,651 --> 00:45:56,954
We get out of her car,
walk up a pathway,

964
00:45:57,054 --> 00:45:58,555
knock on the door of a house.

965
00:45:58,622 --> 00:46:01,692
A guy about my dad's age
opens it up, invites us in,

966
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:02,826
sits us down
in his living room,

967
00:46:02,926 --> 00:46:04,027
and offers us tea.

968
00:46:04,128 --> 00:46:05,796
This man's name
is Vijay Sakoni,

969
00:46:05,896 --> 00:46:08,599
and I wish him ill.

970
00:46:12,002 --> 00:46:16,640
We've all met a Vijay Sakoni
in our lives, right?

971
00:46:16,707 --> 00:46:18,075
You know the sort of guy.

972
00:46:18,175 --> 00:46:19,943
Any achievement you've got,
worthless.

973
00:46:20,043 --> 00:46:21,612
He's got a better achievement.

974
00:46:21,678 --> 00:46:24,948
Any story you've got, boring.
He's got a better story.

975
00:46:25,048 --> 00:46:27,451
You ever heard the phrase,
Johnny Two-Shits?

976
00:46:27,518 --> 00:46:28,652
all: No.

977
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:29,653
- If you haven't,
take it with you.

978
00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:31,255
It's incredibly useful.

979
00:46:31,321 --> 00:46:34,625
Basically, if you've had a shit,
Johnny's had two.

980
00:46:37,728 --> 00:46:38,996
And Vijay Sakoni

981
00:46:39,062 --> 00:46:40,397
was an absolute
Jitendra Two-Shits,

982
00:46:40,464 --> 00:46:43,934
and I could not stand him...

983
00:46:44,001 --> 00:46:45,669
one little bit.

984
00:46:45,769 --> 00:46:48,405
And my dad clearly
hasn't seen this guy in ages,

985
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:50,507
just giving him a rundown
of how his life's gone.

986
00:46:50,607 --> 00:46:53,210
He's just like, "Oh, well,
this is my son, Ahir.

987
00:46:53,277 --> 00:46:55,445
"He's just started studying
for a politics degree.

988
00:46:55,512 --> 00:46:57,147
"That's good, isn't it?

989
00:46:57,247 --> 00:46:59,550
He's like, "Oh, well,
my son did engineering,

990
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:02,319
"so why would he waste his time
doing something in the arts

991
00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:04,721
"when he could do something
useful that's got maths in it?

992
00:47:04,788 --> 00:47:08,158
He's never gonna get
a respectable job now."

993
00:47:10,127 --> 00:47:11,829
Good guess.

994
00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:16,433
He's like, "Oh, well, okay.

995
00:47:16,533 --> 00:47:18,168
"Ahir's big sister Akanksha,

996
00:47:18,235 --> 00:47:20,003
"she couldn't come over
to India with us

997
00:47:20,070 --> 00:47:21,672
"'cause she just started
a new job.

998
00:47:21,772 --> 00:47:23,173
"She's only in her mid-20s,

999
00:47:23,240 --> 00:47:24,975
"but already
she's running the marketing

1000
00:47:25,042 --> 00:47:27,144
"for a company you'll all have
heard of in three countries.

1001
00:47:27,244 --> 00:47:28,946
"Isn't that
an incredible achievement

1002
00:47:29,046 --> 00:47:30,514
when you're only
in your mid-20s?"

1003
00:47:30,614 --> 00:47:32,049
"Oh, does she have a husband?"

1004
00:47:32,115 --> 00:47:33,517
"No, she doesn't
have a husband."

1005
00:47:33,584 --> 00:47:35,519
"Oh, then who cares?"

1006
00:47:39,556 --> 00:47:41,024
My sister ended up
marrying the bloke

1007
00:47:41,124 --> 00:47:42,726
who lived two doors down
from her

1008
00:47:42,793 --> 00:47:45,128
in her first year halls
of residence at university.

1009
00:47:45,195 --> 00:47:47,798
Finding a husband was heaps
easier than finding a good job

1010
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:49,666
in the aftermath
of the financial crisis,

1011
00:47:49,766 --> 00:47:52,369
and Vijay Sakoni
can suck my balls.

1012
00:47:52,436 --> 00:47:55,372
[cheers and applause]

1013
00:47:55,439 --> 00:47:57,007
I hate that lad.

1014
00:47:59,109 --> 00:48:02,446
Now, I'm trying any way I can
to just get out of this room.

1015
00:48:02,512 --> 00:48:03,647
I'm like, "Oh, Mr. Sakoni,

1016
00:48:03,714 --> 00:48:05,082
could I use your
bathroom please?"

1017
00:48:05,148 --> 00:48:06,116
And he's like,
"Oh, I'd give it a minute.

1018
00:48:06,183 --> 00:48:08,185
I've been twice already."

1019
00:48:12,389 --> 00:48:15,759
Eventually,
we get out of that house

1020
00:48:15,826 --> 00:48:17,227
and walked back down
the pathway,

1021
00:48:17,327 --> 00:48:18,996
and I stopped my dad
at the foot of the path,

1022
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,998
and I say, "Dad,
why did you bring us to visit

1023
00:48:21,064 --> 00:48:22,599
"this wasteman on our holiday?

1024
00:48:22,666 --> 00:48:25,035
"We've got such a limited
quantity of time together,

1025
00:48:25,135 --> 00:48:26,603
"and we spaffed
an entire afternoon

1026
00:48:26,670 --> 00:48:28,205
up the wall with this clown."

1027
00:48:28,272 --> 00:48:30,574
And...

1028
00:48:30,641 --> 00:48:33,477
my dad then proceeded
to tell me for the first time

1029
00:48:33,543 --> 00:48:36,346
the story
of an evening that he'd had

1030
00:48:36,446 --> 00:48:39,549
when he was the age
that I am now,

1031
00:48:39,650 --> 00:48:42,185
where he had gone
to a birthday party

1032
00:48:42,286 --> 00:48:44,521
in the city of Ahmadabad
in Gujarat in India,

1033
00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:46,223
and the person
whose birthday it was,

1034
00:48:46,323 --> 00:48:48,025
their sister
had invited over a friend

1035
00:48:48,125 --> 00:48:49,927
who was on holiday from the UK.

1036
00:48:49,993 --> 00:48:51,628
That friend was my mum.

1037
00:48:51,728 --> 00:48:53,397
And my parents met
for the first time

1038
00:48:53,463 --> 00:48:55,432
at Vijay Sakoni's
birthday party

1039
00:48:55,532 --> 00:48:58,201
on the same sofa where Dad
and I had spent our afternoon

1040
00:48:58,268 --> 00:49:00,370
being told how worthless
we were, right?

1041
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:04,007
And my dad told me
that he and Mum sat on that sofa

1042
00:49:04,074 --> 00:49:05,475
and hit it off immediately

1043
00:49:05,542 --> 00:49:07,311
and got out of the house
as quickly as possible

1044
00:49:07,411 --> 00:49:12,249
'cause Vijay Sakoni's
always been a dickhead, right?

1045
00:49:12,316 --> 00:49:13,884
They just spent their evening

1046
00:49:13,951 --> 00:49:16,353
taking long cuts
through the streets of Ahmadabad

1047
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:18,755
so as not to have
to part ways just yet.

1048
00:49:18,855 --> 00:49:20,424
Within two hours of meeting,

1049
00:49:20,524 --> 00:49:23,327
were discussing
what sort of house to get

1050
00:49:23,393 --> 00:49:24,895
when they were married.

1051
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,530
Does anyone fucking do that
in the real world?

1052
00:49:26,596 --> 00:49:28,398
These two people
genuinely did once.

1053
00:49:28,465 --> 00:49:32,469
And Dad realized that
the last stage of Mum's holiday

1054
00:49:32,569 --> 00:49:34,504
was going to be
taking her to Mumbai,

1055
00:49:34,604 --> 00:49:35,806
and so he was there
thinking like,

1056
00:49:35,872 --> 00:49:37,074
"Oh, my God,
I can't lose this woman.

1057
00:49:37,174 --> 00:49:38,475
What the hell am I gonna do?"

1058
00:49:38,575 --> 00:49:39,843
And so, the next morning,

1059
00:49:39,910 --> 00:49:41,144
he just jumped into a cab
and was like,

1060
00:49:41,244 --> 00:49:42,679
"Look,
there's a 50 in it for you

1061
00:49:42,746 --> 00:49:45,349
if you get me there in time
for the plane."

1062
00:49:45,449 --> 00:49:48,385
[cheers and applause]

1063
00:49:49,753 --> 00:49:51,455
And the driver was like,
"Bruv, it's rupees.

1064
00:49:51,521 --> 00:49:56,693
It's already on 10,000.
I don't give a shit."

1065
00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:59,763
The cab part isn't true.

1066
00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:02,199
What actually happened
was that the following morning

1067
00:50:02,265 --> 00:50:04,334
for their first
full day together,

1068
00:50:04,401 --> 00:50:06,603
my mum made my dad drive her

1069
00:50:06,670 --> 00:50:09,206
300 miles
to the outskirts of Mumbai

1070
00:50:09,272 --> 00:50:11,308
so that she could inspect
the progress

1071
00:50:11,408 --> 00:50:15,078
of an under construction
hydroelectric dam.

1072
00:50:19,282 --> 00:50:21,284
She doesn't work
in the industry.

1073
00:50:25,288 --> 00:50:28,892
She was
a primary school teacher.

1074
00:50:28,959 --> 00:50:30,727
Do you ever learn something
about your parents,

1075
00:50:30,794 --> 00:50:33,430
and a bit of you
just makes sense?

1076
00:50:37,167 --> 00:50:38,769
Oh, so that's why
civil mega-projects

1077
00:50:38,835 --> 00:50:40,003
make my dick tingle.

1078
00:50:40,070 --> 00:50:41,438
Nice.

1079
00:50:43,607 --> 00:50:46,309
Eventually, they left Mumbai,
went back to Ahmadabad.

1080
00:50:46,410 --> 00:50:47,644
Dad at the time was doing

1081
00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:49,312
some freelance
graphic design work

1082
00:50:49,413 --> 00:50:51,148
for Air India, so Mum said,

1083
00:50:51,248 --> 00:50:53,784
"Oh, well, that means you can
get my ticket changed, right?

1084
00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:56,453
And I can spend more time here
in India with you."

1085
00:50:56,520 --> 00:50:58,155
And Dad was like,

1086
00:50:58,255 --> 00:51:01,792
"Yeah, that's 100% how being
a freelancer works, yeah."

1087
00:51:03,326 --> 00:51:05,362
He just went to
the Air India building,

1088
00:51:05,429 --> 00:51:07,597
demanded to speak to
the most senior person he could,

1089
00:51:07,664 --> 00:51:09,132
and just went,

1090
00:51:09,199 --> 00:51:11,968
"Paki, I have over promised
in a huge way.

1091
00:51:12,035 --> 00:51:13,703
All right?"

1092
00:51:15,672 --> 00:51:18,241
And do you know it,
they hooked him up.

1093
00:51:18,308 --> 00:51:21,111
For free.
They changed the ticket.

1094
00:51:21,211 --> 00:51:23,246
Do you ever wonder
how many of our existences

1095
00:51:23,313 --> 00:51:26,883
are down to the desperate lies
of ridiculous men?

1096
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:32,389
Only a non-zero percentage.
Mine and my sister's, for sure.

1097
00:51:33,790 --> 00:51:37,427
And my dad told me that
that marked the first chapter

1098
00:51:37,527 --> 00:51:39,596
of the only love story
that he's ever had,

1099
00:51:39,663 --> 00:51:41,731
that moment where
whatever expectation

1100
00:51:41,798 --> 00:51:44,067
may have been reality
shot past it

1101
00:51:44,167 --> 00:51:45,936
like a bullet train
and never stopped,

1102
00:51:46,002 --> 00:51:49,206
and my dad doesn't really swear
'cause he's awful at it

1103
00:51:49,272 --> 00:51:51,708
as evidenced by the fact
that he once referred

1104
00:51:51,808 --> 00:51:54,077
to then-Republican
presidential nominee

1105
00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:58,715
Mitt Romney as "a dowsh bag"...

1106
00:52:03,487 --> 00:52:05,455
In 2012, we're watching him
and Obama debate,

1107
00:52:05,522 --> 00:52:07,591
and my dad's just like,
"Ahir, this Mitt Romney

1108
00:52:07,691 --> 00:52:09,192
seems like
a real 'dowsh bag' to me."

1109
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:10,727
And I'm like, "Mm, mm, mm, mm.

1110
00:52:10,794 --> 00:52:12,329
"That's a very cogent point,
Father.

1111
00:52:12,395 --> 00:52:13,864
"In unrelated news,
I'm going to go

1112
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:17,400
to the other room and ring
everyone I've ever met."

1113
00:52:24,708 --> 00:52:28,311
Well, my dad don't really swear,
but that day outside that house,

1114
00:52:28,411 --> 00:52:30,080
he put one hand on my shoulder,

1115
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:32,482
used the other to point
to the building we'd been in,

1116
00:52:32,549 --> 00:52:36,553
looked me in the eye and said,
"Ahir, Vijay Sakoni is a cunt,

1117
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:40,557
and I owe him
everything in my life."

1118
00:52:40,624 --> 00:52:43,593
[cheers and applause]

1119
00:52:49,032 --> 00:52:51,668
Maybe that's the only way
you can play it, right?

1120
00:52:52,969 --> 00:52:55,205
Just keep your expectations
in check and hope reality

1121
00:52:55,272 --> 00:52:58,074
comes along
with a surprise.

1122
00:52:58,175 --> 00:53:01,945
Maybe that's all there is to do
'cause the love story

1123
00:53:02,045 --> 00:53:05,515
that I had assumed
would be my last came to an end.

1124
00:53:05,582 --> 00:53:07,350
I'm not going to go
into the specifics.

1125
00:53:07,450 --> 00:53:10,387
They are objectively hilarious,
and I don't find them funny.

1126
00:53:10,487 --> 00:53:13,223
[laughter]

1127
00:53:15,425 --> 00:53:16,693
I'll give you the short version.

1128
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:19,729
Basically,
she texted me on Monday,

1129
00:53:19,796 --> 00:53:22,566
took me for a drink on Tuesday.

1130
00:53:22,632 --> 00:53:24,868
Then I cried in bed
on Wednesday

1131
00:53:24,968 --> 00:53:27,404
and on Thursday
and Friday and Saturday.

1132
00:53:27,470 --> 00:53:30,040
I chilled on Sunday,

1133
00:53:30,106 --> 00:53:32,409
as tradition dictates.

1134
00:53:35,946 --> 00:53:37,514
I don't know what I expected.

1135
00:53:37,614 --> 00:53:39,683
I guess I've never believed
in the one, you know?

1136
00:53:39,749 --> 00:53:41,251
Worked out that way
for Mum and Dad,

1137
00:53:41,318 --> 00:53:42,852
but that doesn't seem common

1138
00:53:42,919 --> 00:53:44,988
if just on a statistical basis,
you know?

1139
00:53:45,088 --> 00:53:47,324
Population of the Earth
is 7 1/2 billion,

1140
00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,559
and that's an exponential
increase by the way, right?

1141
00:53:49,626 --> 00:53:51,995
My dad was born in 1950

1142
00:53:52,095 --> 00:53:54,164
when the population of Earth
was 2 billion.

1143
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:57,567
That is a 5 1/2 billion
human being increase

1144
00:53:57,634 --> 00:53:59,369
within his lifetime alone.

1145
00:53:59,436 --> 00:54:00,870
And, fair enough,
lad's a shagger,

1146
00:54:00,971 --> 00:54:03,173
but you can't put...

1147
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,208
[laughter]

1148
00:54:05,275 --> 00:54:06,743
Everything on his doorstep.

1149
00:54:06,843 --> 00:54:10,447
There are only so many
lunar cycles in a year.

1150
00:54:10,513 --> 00:54:12,849
[cheers and applause]

1151
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:17,120
There is still that need

1152
00:54:17,187 --> 00:54:19,122
and now like that--
that fundamental need

1153
00:54:19,189 --> 00:54:21,758
in all of us that desperately
seeks out the other.

1154
00:54:21,825 --> 00:54:24,394
And you know how fundamental
it is to all human beings

1155
00:54:24,494 --> 00:54:27,597
'cause it means that
no matter what postmodernity

1156
00:54:27,664 --> 00:54:29,666
we clad ourselves in,
we still engage

1157
00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:32,969
in exactly the same pre-modern
ritual we always have.

1158
00:54:33,036 --> 00:54:34,638
Like, all of my friends

1159
00:54:34,704 --> 00:54:36,239
are gonna end up
in arranged marriages.

1160
00:54:36,306 --> 00:54:38,375
It's so weird, right?

1161
00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:39,776
By which I mean,
they're going to marry someone

1162
00:54:39,843 --> 00:54:43,346
they met on Hinge...

1163
00:54:43,446 --> 00:54:44,948
or Tinder or Bumble
or one of the other--

1164
00:54:45,048 --> 00:54:46,916
sorry, just because
it's an algorithm,

1165
00:54:46,983 --> 00:54:50,887
not an old woman in your village
does not make it less arranged.

1166
00:54:52,322 --> 00:54:55,292
[cheers and applause]

1167
00:54:57,127 --> 00:55:00,263
So all you've done there
is outsource responsibility

1168
00:55:00,363 --> 00:55:05,568
to the one thing
somehow less accountable.

1169
00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:08,838
And it's fascinating
'cause my mum's parents

1170
00:55:08,905 --> 00:55:10,607
had the sort
of arranged marriage

1171
00:55:10,674 --> 00:55:12,642
that you think of
when you hear that sentence.

1172
00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:14,077
They were happily married
for a half century

1173
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:15,712
until my grandfather
unfortunately died.

1174
00:55:15,812 --> 00:55:18,281
And whenever I tell
certain kinds of friends that,

1175
00:55:18,348 --> 00:55:21,384
they're like,
"Oh, my God, I cannot believe--

1176
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:24,454
"as recently as
two generations ago in India,

1177
00:55:24,521 --> 00:55:27,090
"young people were making
these important decisions

1178
00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:29,225
"based on scant information
and a photograph.

1179
00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:32,128
"That is so disgusting
and primitive.

1180
00:55:32,195 --> 00:55:33,830
"Anyway, Ahir,
Cambridge Analytica

1181
00:55:33,930 --> 00:55:35,432
"just told me to fuck this guy.

1182
00:55:35,532 --> 00:55:37,600
What do you reckon?
Is that, uh..."

1183
00:55:40,070 --> 00:55:41,438
Do whatever you want.

1184
00:55:41,504 --> 00:55:42,672
Just don't act like
we're any different

1185
00:55:42,772 --> 00:55:44,841
to who we've always been.

1186
00:55:44,908 --> 00:55:47,077
They're all trying to get me
to get an arranged marriage now.

1187
00:55:47,143 --> 00:55:49,479
I refused point blank.

1188
00:55:49,546 --> 00:55:50,914
I'm sure everyone's very nice.

1189
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,682
I just don't enjoy
small talk in person,

1190
00:55:52,749 --> 00:55:54,584
so the idea of doing it
via the typey-typey

1191
00:55:54,684 --> 00:55:56,486
doesn't seem like fun.

1192
00:55:56,553 --> 00:55:58,288
There's only so many times
you can, you know, like,

1193
00:55:58,355 --> 00:55:59,389
"Oh, what do you do
for a living?

1194
00:55:59,489 --> 00:56:00,890
"What are your flat mates like?

1195
00:56:00,957 --> 00:56:03,593
What part of Mexico
are your family from?"

1196
00:56:09,999 --> 00:56:12,068
One of the strangest
experiences in life

1197
00:56:12,168 --> 00:56:13,570
is being fully confronted

1198
00:56:13,636 --> 00:56:16,573
by someone else's
independent lived reality,

1199
00:56:16,639 --> 00:56:17,874
and that's basically
what happened

1200
00:56:17,974 --> 00:56:19,709
in a Bloomsbury pub.

1201
00:56:19,809 --> 00:56:21,611
Those are realities
that we've all got,

1202
00:56:21,678 --> 00:56:24,114
and they are all completely
equal and valid.

1203
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:26,549
They are just very difficult
fully to appreciate

1204
00:56:26,649 --> 00:56:28,318
in other people.

1205
00:56:28,385 --> 00:56:30,653
They're often quite difficult
to appreciate in yourself,

1206
00:56:30,720 --> 00:56:34,290
and I think weirdly hardest
to appreciate in people you love

1207
00:56:34,357 --> 00:56:36,292
just 'cause that's not
how love works, right?

1208
00:56:36,359 --> 00:56:39,529
Hasn't love always largely been
a function of imagination?

1209
00:56:39,596 --> 00:56:42,365
That's where two people
get to build one another up

1210
00:56:42,432 --> 00:56:44,868
to these ridiculous,
unassailable heights.

1211
00:56:44,968 --> 00:56:47,771
And it's why it's the single
best thing in the world.

1212
00:56:47,837 --> 00:56:51,174
Being in love is just having
an imaginary friend who's real.

1213
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:52,876
Right?

1214
00:56:52,976 --> 00:56:54,878
It's what I think
believing in a personal God

1215
00:56:54,944 --> 00:56:57,514
must feel like
if you're capable of doing that.

1216
00:56:57,614 --> 00:56:59,682
Something so vivid
and tangible,

1217
00:56:59,749 --> 00:57:02,652
yet you know at the same time,
weirdly amorphous,

1218
00:57:02,719 --> 00:57:07,290
but it's better than God
'cause you can't fuck God.

1219
00:57:13,730 --> 00:57:15,131
I mean, you can give it
a good old go,

1220
00:57:15,198 --> 00:57:16,733
but have you got any idea
how expensive it is

1221
00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:19,769
to get a custom blow-up doll
with an elephant's head?

1222
00:57:23,306 --> 00:57:26,810
O-M Ganesh,
I cannot afford that, right?

1223
00:57:28,812 --> 00:57:32,849
Going forward,
I prefer belief to knowledge.

1224
00:57:32,916 --> 00:57:34,317
You always know
you'll never count every star.

1225
00:57:34,384 --> 00:57:35,852
It just matters less
when you believe

1226
00:57:35,919 --> 00:57:37,854
you'll count every freckle.

1227
00:57:50,633 --> 00:57:53,603
We've all had a pretty hefty
some might say

1228
00:57:53,670 --> 00:57:56,473
double dose of perspective
recently.

1229
00:57:56,573 --> 00:57:59,809
We work out
what our expectations are

1230
00:57:59,876 --> 00:58:01,611
in our new reality.

1231
00:58:01,678 --> 00:58:03,012
I've done that too.

1232
00:58:03,079 --> 00:58:04,280
You know, like,
the life that I want,

1233
00:58:04,347 --> 00:58:05,815
it doesn't sound
that complicated.

1234
00:58:05,882 --> 00:58:07,784
I'm sure that many of you
already have it,

1235
00:58:07,884 --> 00:58:09,953
and I hope
to see you there, yeah?

1236
00:58:10,053 --> 00:58:11,454
All I want from life

1237
00:58:11,521 --> 00:58:13,289
is all I've ever wanted
from life, really.

1238
00:58:13,356 --> 00:58:17,160
Like, all I want from life
is to be sat in a room

1239
00:58:17,227 --> 00:58:20,830
with a glass of wine
and a book and a fire,

1240
00:58:20,930 --> 00:58:24,734
and I have a family,
but they're not there.

1241
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:30,707
[cheers and applause]

1242
00:58:34,077 --> 00:58:36,112
How to get there, eh?

1243
00:58:36,212 --> 00:58:40,550
How to crescendo
and not simply grow up.

1244
00:58:40,650 --> 00:58:42,886
That is the question.

1245
00:58:42,952 --> 00:58:46,089
I know how we're told
these mantras of our era,

1246
00:58:46,155 --> 00:58:47,524
all of this individualistic,

1247
00:58:47,590 --> 00:58:50,226
hyper-competitive stuff
you get sold.

1248
00:58:50,326 --> 00:58:51,995
Well, just do you.
Live your best life.

1249
00:58:52,095 --> 00:58:53,596
You'll be fine.
All it boils down to

1250
00:58:53,663 --> 00:58:55,431
is very well alone

1251
00:58:55,532 --> 00:58:58,735
as though anyone ever actually
achieved anything that way.

1252
00:59:00,770 --> 00:59:04,240
These may be the mantras
of our era,

1253
00:59:04,307 --> 00:59:06,776
but I'm not sure.

1254
00:59:06,843 --> 00:59:09,212
I'm not sure.

1255
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:12,749
- No one is ever really sure
of anything, Ahir.

1256
00:59:12,849 --> 00:59:14,884
- Yeah, like obviously.

1257
00:59:14,951 --> 00:59:17,687
- Belief doesn't
make things easier.

1258
00:59:17,754 --> 00:59:19,455
- I think it makes things
less difficult.

1259
00:59:19,522 --> 00:59:21,357
- Makes things
a different kind of difficult.

1260
00:59:21,424 --> 00:59:22,825
- Well, I don't know.

1261
00:59:22,926 --> 00:59:23,960
You guys always gave off
the impression

1262
00:59:24,027 --> 00:59:25,562
you had your shit together.

1263
00:59:25,628 --> 00:59:27,363
- We never did.

1264
00:59:27,430 --> 00:59:29,599
We made you think we did,

1265
00:59:29,666 --> 00:59:32,969
and that means
we did our job properly.

1266
00:59:36,372 --> 00:59:38,908
- How do you actually cope?

1267
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:44,347
- We kept calm and carried on.

1268
00:59:44,447 --> 00:59:47,183
[laughter]

1269
00:59:47,283 --> 00:59:49,786
[cheers and applause]

1270
00:59:49,886 --> 00:59:52,355
- Dad is such a "dowsh bag."

1271
00:59:56,426 --> 00:59:57,961
Will things ever
make sense again?

1272
00:59:58,027 --> 00:59:59,729
Did they ever?

1273
00:59:59,796 --> 01:00:01,764
I'm sure we're all feeling
pretty untethered and unmoored

1274
01:00:01,831 --> 01:00:05,034
as far as things are going,
but while the winds pick up,

1275
01:00:05,134 --> 01:00:07,403
that will be my mantra
because it turns out

1276
01:00:07,470 --> 01:00:09,505
it really is the truest way
to stay sane

1277
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,107
on the face of this Earth.

1278
01:00:11,207 --> 01:00:13,309
I cannot recommend it to you
highly enough.

1279
01:00:13,409 --> 01:00:15,244
My name is Ahir Shah.
Thank you very much for coming.

1280
01:00:15,311 --> 01:00:17,647
I hope you enjoyed it.
Keep calm and carry on.

1281
01:00:17,714 --> 01:00:18,681
Thank you.

1282
01:00:18,748 --> 01:00:21,684
[cheers and applause]

1283
01:00:21,751 --> 01:00:24,687
[mellow guitar music]