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- I heard a story of a woman
who turned her husband's ashes to diamonds.
I thought to myself, she must really love that man.
Who would do such a thing?
But I'm not the one to speak from experience.
I know nothing about love
and I know if I had all the money in the world,
I'd gladly do the same thing over again.
The only thing I regret is that I didn't piss on her ashes
before I flushed down the toilet.
- That ain't gon' feel that void in your heart, boy.
- Carl, I know what .
- This is a story of a child,
perhaps in influence, perhaps in clone personifications.
That child only wanted love.
That child ventured far with an empty satchel and a jar
hoping for answers to a delicate question,
what is love?
Across the lane, he heard drunken sorrows
of how love can be bought or even borrowed.
That child gave up, discarding the contents of his satchel
and emptying the water from his jar.
The child drifted the lands, looking for purpose to live.
- Sometimes, things are just the way they are,
completely beyond our control.
- What are we looking at here for?
Why are you not at the street working?
- It's, Don.
- That's bullshit, Tammy and you know that.
You can bullshit the other girls but you cannot bullshit me.
- I just don't feel good today, Don.
- I've seen the cars up and down the street
all night long, Tammy.
It's not good look for you.
Tammy, how you supposed to attract prominent businessman
sitting in stairwell of hotel?
I'm going to send somebody your way, okay?
Get yourself cleaned up in five minutes.
- Don, I don't feel good.
- You got five minutes to clean yourself up, five minutes.
You have no choice, Tammy.
It's five minutes.
Get yourself back in front of the hotel.
- Reality becomes the laugh
and I play along because maybe it's easy to live a fantasy
in your mind because, man, reality is so fucked up.
Look what I've become.
- A man I knew from way back told me
to never make rash decisions when angry
but what rule is there
when a person is far beyond the barriers of anger?
The same man told me that overindulgence is a disease
because the mental structure is unbalanced.
He describes it as a missing pieces of a puzzle.
Go figure.
I told him I wasn't born with a full picture.
So yeah, I tend to overindulge.
Then I regretted
because that's when the demon seemed to emerge.
I envy those that dream,
wishes of life changing expectations in me.
I just really want to forget everything and everyone.
- You ever been so immersed in a dream
that you never wanted to wake?
Well, it don't really matter
because eventually you wake up in a world
that's so full of rat and shit, in my world, at least.
What's the use of dreaming anyway?
- Motherfucking, God damn it.
Tammy, wake up.
Why are you not outside working?
Hey, wake up!
Why are you not outside?
- I'm not working today, Don.
- Oh, that?
You're working tonight, Tammy.
What I tell you're not doing is sitting in here
up all night.
That's what you're not going to do.
Now you get yourself cleaned up.
I don't care what you have to take,
what you have to drink, what you have to snort
but you get yourself cleaned up
and get outside of this fucking hotel in 15 minutes
or you and I have big, fucking problem.
- I don't want your drugs anymore, Don.
I'm done with that shit.
- Is that a threat?
You have a pretty nice place here,
pretty soft bed to lay on.
Who do you think makes all this possible?
Fucking me, that's who!
It's a lot better than prison bed, huh?
It's very simple, honey.
You either work the streets
or you get back out into the streets.
- I just don't feel good, that's all, okay?
- I don't think you understand what I'm saying to you.
There is no days off for people like you, Tammy.
You don't get to sit here and do nothing all day.
You can't afford it.
Now, get yourself ready in 15 minutes and get out there.
- Okay, and what have you given up, Don?
What sacrifices have you had to make?
Do you have any idea what it's like
to get your soul ripped out your fucking body
every fucking night?
- No, I do not, Tammy but you are the only girl
that I let talk to me that way, Tammy.
I do not know what that feels like
and quite frankly, I don't give a shit.
You have 15 minutes to get yourself outside of this hotel
and back to work or you and I have big, fucking problem.
15 minutes, Tammy or big, fucking problem.
Fuck!
- At some point,
this miserable, poisonous existence has an end game.
The choices are clear as day, voluntarily or involuntarily.
Perhaps life has a way of forcing change,
whether we want it or not.
- It was mother dream to have her ashes
thrown into the Atlantic,
at least that's what the nurses said.
She thought it would bring her peace.
Easier said that done, I suppose.
The truth is, nothing could have brought her peace,
not even the child who did nothing but love her.
Truth is running from the things
that cripple you emotionally
is just prolonging the inevitable, a wound left untreated.
I'm just tired of running.
- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
- You do this to me, huh?
I swear.
- Just do it.
People like us ain't supposed to live anyway.
Just do it, already.
Just do it.
- Sometimes it's hard to determine what is reality
and what's not.
Perhaps I'm always in a state of intoxication
to forget about my reality.
The past always has a way of resurfacing
in some kind of way.
May I help you with something?
- Well, I was hoping I could help you with something.
- There's nothing that you have that I want,
so don't even waste your time.
- You ain't even heard what I'm offering yet.
- And it's not too hard to tell what you're selling
and I'm telling you, I'm not interested.
- Look, man.
I'm just a little desperate here.
I'm not trying to beg you on nothing but I just...
Come on, man.
- Sounds to me like you're begging.
That ain't my problem.
- Fuck you then, man.
Piece of shit.
- Well, what you waiting for, boy?
Get it over with, boy!
Get it over with.
- No, she is not gonna win.
She's not.
Man, I thought I made myself clear.
- You really look like you can use some company, darling.
- No, I don't.
Just get the fuck outta here.
- Come on, man.
Just hear me out, okay?
- Oh, man.
- Not bad.
What's wrong with you?
Ain't you ever been with a woman before?
- I told you that isn't what I want from you.
- You haven't, have you?
Oh, well don't worry.
Your little secret is safe with me.
- What is it, want money?
Is that it?
- Well, I'm not here for the engaging conversation.
- I see.
Let me pay you for this engaging conversation.
What are you afraid of?
- Nothing, I just don't wanna drink.
- Then tell me, what's the going rate
for an honest conversation these days?
I mean, sometimes people just need someone to talk to,
someone to be honest with you.
- Why you don't go to therapy?
- Obviously, you're a lot cheaper.
- Whatever, okay, how long do we talk?
- How much time did I buy?
- About an hour, if that's...
- All I want is a conversation, I don't like to be touched.
- Okay, all right fine.
Let's talk then.
I take it you not from here.
- No, I'm not.
- Where you from?
- Nowhere, I guess you could say I'm a drifter.
Never really had a place to call home.
- Like a gypsy? - Something like that.
- I knew you was gonna reach for that drink.
You might wanna slow down on that, big boy.
- All right, since we having a conversation,
where are you from?
- Nowhere, just like you.
I just been running and working the streets
since I could remember
and I can't remember a home, even if I had one.
- How did you get started?
- I was running to and from something and well,
I ran into this, this beautiful disaster.
- Yeah, I mean, that's a nice way of putting it.
Why live when we aren't living?
I've been asking myself that a lot lately.
- Yeah, but I mean, we still here, you know what I'm saying?
So gotta be a reason why, right?
- Waste of space?
- Nah, there's always hope, right?
- Maybe for you, not for me
but what if you could start over,
just make a clean break of it, would you do it?
- Child, I ain't got no choice but to.
- See, this is a box of my mother's remains.
It was always a dream of hers to visit the Atlantic ocean
but you see, the irony of it is
is that I'm willing to sacrifice so much
for someone who does nothing for me
but none of that matters anymore.
Once the deed is done, so am I.
- What does that mean?
- If I paid you $10,000 right now, would you accompany me?
- Wait. - It's real.
- You're trying to pay me $10,000 to go to the ocean?
- Correct. - Is this a joke?
- No, it's not. - Where the camera's at?
- No, but there is something I would need for you
to do for me though.
- Here it is, and what's that?
- I want you to kill me after we dump her ashes.
- Man, what?
Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.
My mother always told me that people like her
and people like myself, we don't belong in this world.
- Bruh, you crazy and your mama sound like a fucking bitch.
- Man, are you're gonna do it or not?
- Not! - Come on,
just do this for me.
That's all I need.
I beg of you, just do it, that's all.
- No, you fucking crazy.
I didn't sign up for this shit.
This aint the type of shit... - Come on!
Shit.
- Oh, fuck, man.
- It's true, you know.
People like us, we don't belong in this world.
- That's not true.
- You wanna know why?
Because people can't understand us.
They can't understand us. - That's not true.
- They can't understand us.
We don't belong. - Stop it!
Stop it!
Home, love, hate, life, hope.
Just four-letter words yet so many feelings,
feelings of which I lack.
All I have is existence.
I just don't belong.
- I didn't really know what the right thing was.
There aren't very many rules amongst the lost,
only survivors.
- What the fuck is this?
- Wait, Don, I'm pregnant.
- Fucking slut! - I'm pregnant, Don.
I'm pregnant!
- What the fuck?
Am I supposed to feel sorry for you now, Tammy?
Stupid, fucking bitch.
Get your shit and get the fuck out!
- Where am I supposed to go?
- Not my problem, Tammy.
Not my problem.
You're washed up, Tammy.
I cost more money to feed you than you bring in
and any business that is bad.
You're burned out, Tammy.
You cost too much money.
Get your freaking shit and get out.
I'm going to give you some free advice, Tammy.
- Yeah, what's that?
- If you want to have this baby, don't.
- Fuck you, Don.
Fuck you. - Get your shit
and get the fuck out
and take this little bastard to the clinic
and get it taken care off.
Get out!
- Guess you're stuck.
So much of a coward you can't even do--
- Shut up!
You think you're all high and all mighty?
You didn't do shit for me.
- I've always been ashamed of you.
- Likewise. - You're just a coward.
You can't even do it yourself.
One simple thing, you can't even do it yourself.
Begging people to do it for you.
- Hey, Carl.
- I take it you reconsidered my offer.
- No, Carl, I'm not here for that.
Can I please just come in?
I was thrown out of my other place.
I don't have anywhere to go.
- You forgot this.
- I bet you think I'm a pretty fucked up person, huh?
- Why would I think that?
- You know what I am, you know what I do.
I bet you think a person like me would be stupid enough
to get pregnant in a world like this.
- That's not for me to judge.
- You're a real diamond in the rough, huh?
You know what people told me the best thing for me to do
with this baby?
Abort it.
- Tammy, people are assholes at times.
- Yeah, you're right about that
but I just wanna prove 'em wrong, Carl.
My whole life, I've been doing everything wrong.
For once, I just wanna get it right.
- And if your version of right
is loving that child unconditionally, by all means do so
but make sure you love that child unconditionally.
- You're right.
- I take it that you'll be traveling with me.
- I didn't say that.
- What other reason are you here for then?
- Are you serious?
What's your deal, man?
How many people have you asked to do this?
I'm curious.
- You're the 13th.
- And the other 12 said no I'm guessing.
- I mean, you came back.
What else you got to do with your shit hole of a life, huh?
I mean, this could be a fresh start for you,
a chance for you to do what's right, I suppose.
- Right, and live with the fact that I killed you.
- Just think about it.
I'm about to step outside and have a smoke.
- Why are you so messed up, huh?
You gotta tell me something.
I mean, my life ain't been all peachy and clean
and stuff to say the least
but it ain't always been this bad.
- I mean, I had some good times, not often
but sometimes, a mood would just hit her
and she would asked me to lay my head on her lap
and then while she caressed my head, she sung to me.
- You've seen it good.
- God, no but there wasn't the point
because if only for that moment,
I felt like she cared for me
and that was good enough for me.
- When I was little,
me and my sister used to go to my granddaddy's house.
He had this farm,
this big house, a bunch of acres of land, it was crazy.
We used to love it there.
I felt so free, I felt so free there,
not caged then like how I do now.
I remember how I used to walk outside
and I would just close my eyes
and I would take a deep breath of fresh air.
It's like life was speaking to me.
- It's not too late for you feel that same feeling again.
- Yeah, well I could tell you the same thing, Carl.
- You could, it won't change much.
Just think about it.
What are you doing?
Put her down!
- I don't know, I'm trying to understand you, I guess.
I don't know.
- I made it perfectly clear what I wanted you to do.
- Okay, but do you realize that she's gone, Carl?
She's just ashes.
She's no more.
Can I ask you something,
a serious conversation, an honest conversation?
What's wrong with you?
What happened to you?
What made you like this?
- You wanna know?
- Yeah, I wanna know.
- Let's just say I had a mother
who was unable to love another person
and I was a child who just needed love.
She worked the streets just like you.
She would come home at night, angry, drunk,
whatever the case was
and she would beat me until I was bloody.
Little old me,
the little kid that just wanted to be loved.
I'd still rush over there beside her,
take her orange, snuggle it around me.
That was me feeling love, Tammy.
All I wanted was love.
- You know what?
When I was two, my daddy passed away from a drug overdose.
I never met him.
I don't remember him but everybody told me he loved me.
I used to envision him as like this superhero.
I know it's stupid and it's a childish type of thing
at the time 'cause who am I fooling?
That motherfucker died 'cause he was no saint.
He overdosed, Carl.
People are who they are.
There's nothing we can do to change that.
If your mama did all that to you that you say she did,
then why are you holding on to her ashes?
- Because I have to.
- You trying to bring her peace?
Look at you!
If I'm gonna do it, I have to understand why.
I gotta get it and I don't get it.
Make me understand, Carl.
- Because I have to.
- Why, she's gone, Carl.
- She's not gone, she's right here.
I see her when I wake up, when I eat my breakfast,
when I brush my teeth.
She's always there, she is right here
and it's the same as before.
All I want is my mama here to hold me.
She didn't do it then and she's not doing it now
and it's torture.
All I wanted was love.
The only thing I regret is that I didn't piss on her ashes
before I flushed down the toilet.
- That ain't gon' feel that void in your heart, boy.
- Carl, you didn't do anything wrong.
Let me help you up.
Just get some rest, it's been a really long day.
- What are you doing?
- What your mama should have did for you.
It's okay, Carl.
- You never know what you're missing
until it eventually slaps you in the face
and once it happens,
you realize that the feeling you're feeling
isn't permanent at all
and it makes life that more dreadful.
- You really thought you could get rid of me?
I'm here
and I'm here.
You can't get rid of me.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, it's fine.
- Oh, I must have fallen asleep.
So where to now, drifter?
- Well, that remains to be seen.
However, I was thinking,
a fresh start would be great for you.
Now that's doing what's right
and I'm here for you as much as I can be.
- Sounds good.
- You know, I've learned all too well
that you can't escape everything but you have a chance
to pave a way for your child.
- Maybe we can do this together.
Hope, right?
- Always hope.
Not everyone has hope, Tammy.
- So then allow me to have hope for the both of us.
Did you just...
Oh, you were laughing!
That's the first time I've seen you laugh.
You have a very nice smile.
- You're beautiful.
You ever feel like you're getting pulled in every direction,
more so in the direction that is certainly permanent?
- I'm sorry. - What's wrong?
- I'm sorry, I'm just not used to this, Tammy.
We gotta go.
Can you run this to the car for me
while I just do a final walkthrough
just to make sure I didn't leave anything behind?
I'm sorry.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- You know, a fresh start would be good for you too.
You should think about it.
- Maybe you're right.
This is where things get weird.
I feel more alive now than I've ever felt.
I've dispersed the ashes where they belong
and in the process, I found a gem.
- Life is a funny thing.
How intricate it is, love and hate coexisting
in a psychotic cocktail.
- Tammy, I wanna thank you
and I wanted you to know that
there's nothing you done wrong.
Truth is I'm a virus
and even for a brief moment, I felt comfort in your arms
and that was more than any man can ask for.
The only thing I ask is that you do the same for your child.
Start over, leave the city behind,
love that child, shelter that child
because I know how it is on the opposite end of love.
This is the result.