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[person 1] Understand this: There is a price to pay for everything you do.
You-- You cannot take things that I said and turn it around.
[person 2] And you were very sweet before, but you are not sweet anymore.
[person 3] Your anger, and your defensiveness,
- and the volatility. - [person 4] You cut your hair off.
[person 5] You throw yourself into it. You love people.
- [person 4] You started growing your Afro. - [person 3] You get frustrated.
- [person 4] Loud, walking while Black. - [person 3] These things aren't happening...
[person 6] I remember you waiting to go to school.
[person 1] That's wrong and dangerous.
- [person 7] You expect this of me... - [person 1] I'll pass on that one.
[person 7] ...and to me, it was too much.
[person 1] I'll pass on that question.
[person 2] You never say anything wrong. You never do anything wrong.
[person 7] You talk about how much I've done for you,
- but you changed how I see things. - [person 1] I'll pass on that question.
[birds chirping]
[narrator] You are now entering my universe.
I am the lens.
The subject.
The authority.
As a product of the New World,
violence lives in my DNA.
I carry an ancient pain that I struggle to understand.
I use it to hurt those closest to me.
Every one of us inherits the curses of our ancestors.
But we may put an end to this cycle
by constantly going to war with ourselves.
I'm watching the curses of my family slowly kill us.
So I'm going to war.
And there will be casualties.
[siren wailing]
This cannot be our legacy.
[siren continues]
[birds chirping]
[chattering]
[chattering, laughing]
[narrator] My parents fall in love in New York City.
It's the 1970s.
[daughter] Mom, I don't know where the cherries are.
[mother] Go to the café.
[narrator] They sacrifice everything
for us to be the poorest kids on Central Park West.
[chattering in Spanish]
[narrator] I share a room with my brother, Juancarlos,
and my sister, Raquel.
I am the youngest.
[daughter] So, I'm sorry. Like, I'm not gonna apologize because...
[narrator] Our parents sleep on the living room floor.
[father] Same shitty problem. Same shitty Washington.
Why do you think it's happening in Washington?
People don't compromise anymore.
They are infidel of their Christian faith.
[daughter] Absolutely to not be both, but to, like, be one and not--
[mother] Yes, Dr. Huntt. Sure.
[narrator] On Saturdays, Mommy makes fried fish and plantains.
I stuff them in my panties to throw them down the toilet when no one's looking.
[mother] Why do you keep asking people if they are okay?
If nothing's wrong with people, don't ask.
[daughter] You know, Ma, that's, like, a really nice thing to do,
- is to make sure that you're doing okay. - [mother] Yeah, fine.
[daughter] It's not, like, a controversial thing at all.
Most people would be like, "Thank you. I'm doing fine. How are you doing?"
[narrator] On Sundays, my parents dance in the kitchen to Lucky Dube.
The pain festering around them like an aura.
[daughter] I'm not asking you to apologize. I'm just-- I'm just being real.
[mother] You know what, Beca? You win.
[chattering]
- [Beba] Do you have ChapStick, Daddy? - [father] Yeah.
[Beba] Remember that ChapStick you used to have when I was younger?
- You had to squeeze it out. - [father] Oh, yeah. That's, uh, Blistex.
I was born in a sugarcane plantation, as far as I know.
And, uh, my mother told me that she used to see those young kids,
those young--
those young guys, uh, walking by to the-- to cut the sugarcane.
And kids, 17, 18 years old without teeth,
and, you know, ripped-up clothes.
And she said, you know,
"Those are not gonna be my kids.
My kids are not gonna be like those kids."
So I think then they decided to move the whole family to the city.
To move away from there and go to the city,
maybe to get something better for us.
[bell tolls]
[teacher in Spanish]
[students in Spanish]
- [teacher] Generalísimo Trujillo. - [students] Generalísimo Trujillo.
[reporter] It's interesting that although you have
six or seven pictures of Generalísimo Trujillo,
there is one of the Virgin Mary.
[speaks Spanish]
[announcer] For every Dominican knows,
those who oppose Trujillo go either to jail or away.
[father] The civil war, you know, I saw a lot of people dead on the street
and a lot of people being, you know--
If you went outside, you had to go outside like that on the street,
especially if you were a guy.
You had to walk on the street like that.
And we used to sleep under the bed.
Everybody was under the bed. My mother put everybody under the bed.
And put all the-- all the-- How do you call that?
All the mattresses on top of one bed.
So, she figured if the bullet came, maybe the mattress will hold it.
[sizzling]
When-- When Johnson became President,
he opened up the immigration from the third world to the United States.
Before that, you know, like,
you had to be, like, rich or a millionaire to come to this country.
[Beba] Ko-ko! Ko-ko!
- And-- - [Beba] Tell Ko-ko to stop doing that!
- Ko-ko, no! - [dog whines]
I told one of my friends we were trying to get to the, you know, the United States,
and she laughed her head off at me.
"You think they want Black people in the United States?
They won't let you go. They won't let you there.
And you are poor." You know, they laugh. And, you know...
[in Spanish] They said: "You're going to the United States of my butthole."
[both laughing]
They said: "You going to United States?"
You're going to the United States of my butthole!"
I remember this so well...
[Beba, in English] Because I'm too annoying?
[father laughs]
[father] No, hija. It's funny. If you don't laugh--
[Beba] That's why I can't come.
You can't say that. You know that you're my favorite person to be around.
Literally, you are my favorite person to be around.
[Beba] Daddy tells me about seeing Jimi live at Woodstock when he was 17.
He says I know him better than anyone,
yet I have no idea where my father's mannerisms come from.
[sizzling]
When I'm angry, I remind him of his father.
Abuelo.
Sugarcane.
Machete.
Belt in hand.
Illiterate.
Proud.
Brought a family of nine Negroes to New York City
as Trujillo enforced ethnic cleansing in his homeland.
[birds chirping]
[Beba] When you got to New York, were you guys excited--?
[father] Yeah, but I was disappointed
because we went to Bedford-Stuyvesant, and I said, "Holy shit! Is this New York?"
It looked like a burned-down World War II European city.
I think it was '66, '67.
[Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My heart in Two) playing]
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ There's a flame, a flame A big flame in my heart ♪
[father] The first time I saw Central Park, I said,
"When I move out of my house, this is where I'm gonna live."
And that's what I did. That's why I live over there.
And I will never move out of there. [laughs]
♪ It's burning for you Ooh! ♪
♪ Even though we are through Ooh, ah! ♪
[Beba] So wait, hold on.
I feel like in our house there's always this ongoing controversy...
[father] Yeah. Yeah, I know.
[Beba] ...of us having grown up in a one-bedroom apartment.
And you stand by the decision, 'cause you're like--
-"Well, I wanted"-- - Because, at the time,
you know,
it was either one-bedroom apartment or moving out of there,
and where would I find a place that was rent controlled?
That building was rent controlled, so I was able to afford it.
You understand?
If I moved out of there and looked for a place with three or four bedrooms,
paying a reasonable price,
we would have been in a neighborhood
where one of you, I assure you, wouldn't be alive today.
[Beba] Our neighborhood was the hood when we were growing up--
- It just wasn't as-- - It was not even close to those places.
This is the best I could-- I was able to afford.
You understand? This was the best I was able to afford.
[children laughing, screaming in distance]
It was the best I was able to afford.
[Beba] The OG Ko-ko! Ko-ko!
[Raquel] Where's my theanine?
I found my viralbiotics.
[Beba] Raquel, can I come with you and film you?
While I go to Bravo?
- [Beba] Yeah. Yeah. - Really? Okay.
- [Beba] Close up! - No. Oh, God. Stop.
- [parents speaking Spanish] - [Beba squealing]
Stop!
Please.
Don't put that I'm smoking in the film...
[coughs] Um...
'cause then Gordi and Mommy will know when they watch it.
- [Beba] Okay. - They don't know I'm smoking again.
[Beba, singsongy] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Why are we going up this hill while I'm smoking?
[Beba laughs]
You sound like a smoking loser.
These people are such losers.
[Beba] What?
[Raquel] The community garden.
This probably would've saved my life when I was younger.
This was put in when we were kids
and this neighborhood was shit.
They would not let us play in there. I would go in and try to talk to them,
to try to, um, plant things I was interested in growing
when I was in junior high school, and they would shoo me away.
But they're like, "We have a community garden in the hood."
The only people that were in there were white people,
drinking wine, or...
[coughs]
...doing little events there, with their little green thumb.
[Beba] I remember we weren't even allowed to go in.
I remember there was these little white kids dancing for Halloween,
and I was like, "Wow! This looks so cool!" But I wasn't allowed to go inside.
Excuse me.
Um, what's the deal with the community garden?
Can we go in, or...
Sure.
Yo, I would go in there.
I would hop the fence. They would kick me out.
- [Beba] You would hop the fence? - Yeah. I would climb over.
That's my spot to-- for smoking pot.
That's why they kicked me out a lot of times.
- [Beba laughs] - But-- But still.
Remember when I got in trouble
- for bringing crack vials to school? - [Beba] Yeah.
- And my project? - [Beba] Yeah.
I found them all in the community garden.
So the crackheads used the community garden too.
That's probably why they were like that.
- [Beba] What was the project for? - Huh?
[Beba] What was the project for?
To bring something that you always see that represents your neighborhood,
- and I didn't know what they were. - [Beba laughs]
And so, I just thought they were pretty,
'cause I always used to see the little crack vials, and so I liked the tops.
- [Beba] Yeah. - They were different colors.
So, I would clean them out,
and so I got a flower pot that I stole from there,
- a little one from the community garden. - Mm-hmm.
And I filled it up with dirt,
and I put the little crack vials all around it in a circle,
- and one in the middle, coming out. - [Beba] That's cool.
I thought it was pretty, like artistic.
And I got in trouble.
[Beba] What happened?
Um...
They thought that I brought crack vials to school.
[laughs]
[Beba] They thought Mommy was a crackhead!
That's what happened.
[Beba] If I'm Daddy's girl,
and Juancarlos is Mama's boy,
my sister falls into a neglected dimension I don't even try to understand.
She takes my grandfather's machete from the closet and swings it at my parents.
She hands me my first joint when I'm ten
to apologize for choking me until I can't breathe.
We have so much fun that day.
She graduates from boarding school in New England on scholarship,
but skips college and hops freight trains with junkies instead.
Agoraphobia.
Disability checks.
Solitary confinement.
Destruction.
And pathological lies.
[birds chirping]
Now she has two daughters of her own who will inherit our curses.
[wind whistling]
[bog barking]
We have to dress up as our heroes in fifth grade.
The other kids come as former Presidents and Power Rangers.
Encouraged by Raquel, I come as Harriet Tubman.
I borrow my sister's dress and head wrap,
and use her makeup for the fake whiplashes on my back.
In an old shoe box, I use broccoli to recreate a plantation.
My only white Ken doll is the slave master,
and the rest of my Barbies and Kens are slaves.
Raquel is so proud.
[radio host] Video Music Box. Friday night street party.
Your Uncle Ralph, of course, in the place to be.
We in the studio, as you can see,
and that was the M.O.P. remix, of course, with my man, Busta Rhymes, Teflon.
I'm hanging out with my man, Marley Marl, and Pete Rock today
at the Future Flavas show, so y'all definitely want to check in for that.
[Marley Marl] Future Flavas style, you know how we doing it.
[radio host] Yo, hold up. They got the pirate right there!
They letting you know how it gets down up here.
[Beba] What about Juancarlos?
Daddy?
[father] Well, I, uh-- I'll pass on that one.
I'll pass on that question.
[Beba] For my seventh birthday, Daddy brings us all to Disney World.
My brother and I have an argument in the car.
At the sight of my tears, Daddy sinks into silence.
Juancarlos remembers this
as the last time our father ever speaks to him.
"You're a rat. You hear me?"
"You're a rat."
I come home from school with a fever.
Juancarlos is using my bed as his desk.
"Yo, I don't feel well. I need to lay down."
He doesn't move.
"Yo, did you hear what I said?"
I climb into the bed.
Still, he doesn't move.
[door opens]
- [keys clinking] -We hear Daddy get home.
Juancarlos finally moves his stuff...
and stops talking to me for another two years.
When I complain to Mommy, she calls me a snitch.
So I make sure to call her at work the next day
just to tell her she's garbage.
[Juancarlos] I always loved poetry.
Metaphors, similes, wordplay.
And they use double and triple entendres, words that have two and three meanings.
[Beba] Juancarlos only talks to me when a Jay-Z album comes out.
[Juancarlos] One bar is four beats, and there's 16 bars in one verse.
[Beba] We listen together from start to finish with the lights off
and analyze the lyrics.
[Juancarlos] And there's some songs that are on time release,
where you have to learn more about life
before you can actually understand what they're saying.
[Beba] In college, I recognize this as close reading and critical thinking.
Let's just forget about it and start over.
Can we wait, like, five minutes?
Why?
[in Spanish] Because your attitude would put anyone in a bad mood.
[Beba, in English] Well, I mean...
I'm telling you the truth.
My mom wants to wait five minutes.
Ko-ko. Come here, Ko-ko.
So who's gonna talk? You?
[Beba] This is an interview. You have to talk first.
Shit.
Nice breeze.
[Beba] Isn't this a nice way to spend the day?
Well...
Yeah, when people are not harassing you.
[Beba] My mother, Veronica,
comes to study at Pace University from Caracas, Venezuela.
She leaves behind vacations in Margarita, custom-tailored dresses,
and her first love to escape her mother.
Abuela is a glamorous woman with schizophrenia.
She owns a thriving garment factory in the 1950s.
This time, she'll spend six months in the psych ward.
Mommy sees the guards hose Abuela down when she misbehaves.
My mother never figures out how to discipline us.
Instead, she comes into the room and hits herself with a belt.
[Veronica] Okay, everything started because I had a baby,
May 9th, 1990.
So her name was Rebeca,
and I used to call her "Bebeca".
And then I used to call her "Bebe".
And then I used to call her "Beba".
And then I liked Beba the most.
And she stayed with Beba.
[children chattering, laughing]
[Beba] What was it like-- What is it like being a mom to Black children?
I can't answer a question like that.
Well, do you think that there were any experiences that you can speak to
that are particular to having Black children?
Well, Rebeca, basically, I'm a Latin person,
and I raised my kids as a Latin person because I don't know anything else.
I don't know anything else. I don't know anything else at all.
I don't know anything about being American, white or Black. I don't know.
- [Beba] So you can't speak to any-- - I did my--
All my stuff, I did it based on what I knew
about being a Latin person from Venezuela.
I didn't do anything about anything else.
[Beba] What about when before, we used to go to Venezuela,
you would tell everybody that if they made fun of our hair
or said something about our complexion, that you would freak out?
You don't think that that's something that would be particular to having Black kids?
Yeah. Oh, well. But not because of--
It's because Latin people are so ignorant.
And they think that because if you have pelo crespo, that's bad hair.
And I s-- And I just--
When you guys were little, I told one of my friends,
"If I-- Make sure nobody says that my kid have bad hair,
because that's not bad.
It's just normal hair that they have."
That's it. But that's the only thing I did.
So can you-- Sorry. Can you paint a picture about how--
About how what?
Mommy, I'm serious.
I know your microaggressive attitude right now. It's not cool.
[in Spanish] Rebeca, you're gonna act like this on camera?
[in English] It doesn't matter. It's not cool.
Your microaggressive attitude, like,
throughout this entire interview is not cool.
- It's really not. - Okay, Rebeca. Let's keep on going.
Just say, "I don't wanna do the interview."
But we're almost finished! What are you talking about?
No, but-- I know, but I just, like-- Your energy bothers me.
So, like, either, like, be real, get over it,
- and answers my questions, or not. - Well, that's what I'm trying to do.
Okay, that's what I'm trying to do.
I don't have to take this shit, [in Spanish] you're too old.
- [in English] You're not a teenager. - Mommy, come on, please.
- You're not a teenager anymore. - Can you just take five minutes?
I'm sorry. Please?
[Veronica] For my ass is sorry. [sniffles]
When you're ready not to be so aggressive,
then you start asking the questions.
When you're ready, you ask.
Not before.
All right, I'm ready.
[birds chirping]
[Beba] I spend my childhood summers in Mendoza Fría.
A pueblo in the Andes Mountains of Venezuela.
My uncle picks me up from the airport,
and we road trip through five states to get home.
Each night, staying at a different family member's house.
I do my first communion at the same church where my grandparents married.
I have my first kiss with Rogelio on his doorstep.
For years, he would lean perfectly in that doorway as I passed by.
It's the last time I'll ever come to this country.
I backpack the world in search of what Venezuela gave me.
Freedom.
Unconditional love.
And a room of my own.
The next summer, I stay in New York and lose my virginity to an asshole.
I'm 17.
[drums playing]
♪ Try to change, gets deranged From this fate, in this state ♪
♪ In this place, is to sit on Six Hits ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm bound to be found Though I scream with no sound ♪
♪ I am out, silent shout It's about ♪
♪ In the group with no suit Always violent, never silent ♪
♪ In this park, it's so dark There's no fun, there's no sun ♪
♪ Fate is done with this cunt One ♪
[no audible dialogue]
[Beba] Shakespeare lights my brain on fire.
And not even the bulletproof windows of my high school can contain it.
"I dreamt a dream tonight."
"And so did I."
"Well, what was yours?"
"That dreamers often lie."
I get into a fight with this Jamaican kid, Achkeem, for calling me Black.
How dare he.
A psychiatrist, Susan, prescribes me Lexapro.
After a national suicide warning, my mother throws my pills out.
[dog barking]
Miss Johnson introduces me to Maya Angelou and the term "Afro-Latina."
Some of the other Latinos start calling me Frederick Douglass.
[horn honking]
The night I get my acceptance letter to Bard College,
I walk 60 blocks listening to Bob Dylan's "How Does It Feel?" on repeat.
[chattering]
- [birds chirping] - [bell tolls]
[Maya Angelou singing]
[Beba] I wake up in the beautiful Hudson Valley.
I'm 18 years old.
Andy Warhol is king.
The Beatles are God.
And sometimes, classes are held underneath tables.
I live with the artistic Black kids.
I'm either with them or my white friends.
Never both.
Some of the older women in the house warn me.
"He'll never see you as a human being," they say.
But I'm in love, so I ignore them until they graduate.
[friend 1] We have amazing secrets.
Can we bump it to, like, 15?
[friend 2] Let's go to the bar.
[friend 3] I can't go to the bar.
[friend 2] Why not?
[laughing]
- [friend 3] I could never be president. - [friend 2] No one's gonna see it.
No one's ever gon-- No, this is not going up on Facebook or anywhere else.
- [friend 1] Are you serious? - [laughing]
[chattering, laughing]
[Beba] My crew is my whole world.
They love hearing me speak Spanish.
It makes them feel safe.
The new bi-racial professor from Harvard,
Annie, introduces me to Hegel and Octavia Butler.
[Annie] When you were at Bard, when you started Bard,
I think there were maybe, um...
70 or 80 underrepresented minority students
at the whole school. Very few.
And, you know, immediately you got taken up
by this crowd of people.
Not just, like, a white social group,
but you were in with, like, the beautiful people.
Like, your friends were the kind of people who, like,
during their time at Bard, appeared in Town and Country
as part of, like, a glamour spread.
Because they were, like, sort of socialites, or, you know,
artists, actors, models, etcetera.
Film people, many of whom had families that were also very, very well-connected
in the arts and in other fields.
[slow music playing]
♪ Funny, how you love me ♪
[Annie] Whenever, like-- When I was in trouble, like, if I needed, you know--
I needed some posters designed, or we had to--
You know, anything that we had to do, you would be like--
You would text, like, five boys, who were all clearly, like, infatuated,
and they would show up within minutes.
And I'd always-- I'd be like, "Oh, you know, those are"...
And you'd just be like, "That's just whatever.
That's just so and so. Like, no big deal."
So you had, like, this fan base that you could call on.
But the-- At the same time, like, I know that you felt alone too.
And now you're laughing 'cause you know I'm right.
[Annie laughing]
[chattering]
[Raquel on phone] Girl, why don't you just call me?
You keep typing, but you can call me for five minutes.
Um, just call me. Chat with me for a little bit.
I've been trying to get a hold of you forever, um...
You know, I don't want to lose momentum and--
You know, we-- we're talking again and stuff and, you know,
we don't go, like, months without talking. I'm trying to turn a new leaf with that.
So just call me, please.
[Beba] Instead of handing in my homework,
I spend six hours a day dancing in my room to take the edge off.
[friend 1] Thank you for making a video with us.
[friend 2] It's the greatest show ever.
[friend 3 sneezes]
[friend 2] You sneezed on your fucking paper.
[friend 1] Down the hole, too.
- [friend 3] Down the hole? Oh, God. - [laughing]
[friend 2] Have you read American Psycho? He does the worst shit.
- It's fucking-- - [friend 3] Does he? Does he now?
- [friend 2] No, okay, so in one part-- - [friend 1] Guy kills a lot of people.
- [friend 2] No, it's not like the movie. - [friend 3] Definitely psychotic.
The movie is PG compared to the book.
[Annie] At Bard, we have a narrative form of feedback
that's really, really interesting,
because it's also like a mini ethnography
where the professor writes notes on the student,
and not just on their work,
but on what they'll call their "class citizenship,"
and even their deportment, how they carry themselves.
And so then, when I saw your grades, talked a lot about you leaving class,
showing up late, seeming distracted.
You know, I said, "Well, first of all, you have to be on time.
You have to talk in every class."
And this is something that I feel really conflicted about even saying aloud
because it's so loaded.
But I said, like, you can't wear belly shirts to class.
And you were shocked.
I said you can't even leave class to go to the bathroom.
And you were, like, "What?" And I said, "Yeah, you can't. You can't."
Maybe someone else can, but you can't.
So I'm not passing judgment on whether or not that's right or wrong.
In fact, like, it's deeply problematic and it reflects centuries of violence.
At the same time, it's also a necessary way
to navigate these institutions, um, to get the grades that you deserve,
and to be seen within this sort of landscape,
this pastoral landscape that promises to be a utopia,
but is actually configured and operates in ways
that are very much like the rest of the world,
the rest of the United States,
and that very much function within the logic of the body.
Professors immediately started treating you differently.
Your grades immediately went up.
You did not doubt any of what I said, which you totally could've done.
You totally could've been like, "Annie, this is ridiculous."
And you would've had a point.
And you'd have a--
You'd have actually a really, really good point.
[birds squawking]
[Beba] Annie convinces the Board to let me do a semester abroad in Ghana...
["Bewaa Song #3" playing]
...despite my academic probation.
It's the land of revolutionary Pan-Africanist,
Kwame Nkrumah.
The first Prime Minister of decolonized Africa.
[crickets chirping]
My host mother nicknames me "Foreigner."
"You're an American," she says.
I tell her I'm first generation.
She laughs and tells me not to talk while I'm eating.
From the tro-tro,
I see a shirtless man cutting sugarcane with a machete.
There, I see the mannerisms.
There, I see my father.
[guitar strumming]
[chattering]
[applause, cheers]
- [musician 1] Hello, hi. - [musician 2] Everyone's mike is on.
- Hello. Hello. Hello. - Hi.
- Everyone good? - [Beba] Hello?
[musician 1] Yeah, great. Thank you.
[musician 3] Everyone?
- Yeah. We're on. - [musician 3] Beautiful.
Audrey, I want you, baby.
- [laughing] - [guitar playing]
[musician 4] You're starting?
[musician 3] I'm starting? Yeah, that's right.
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine running round my heart Running round my brain ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Oh, you ol' cocaine ♪
♪ I woke up this morning Lord, I had a hungry pang ♪
♪ And all I want for breakfast Is some good cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
- Whoo! - [cheers]
♪ Oh, you ol' cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine running round my heart Running round my brain ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Oh, you ol' cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Cocaine running round my heart Running round my brain ♪
♪ Cocaine ♪
♪ Oh, you ol' cocaine ♪
[applause, cheering]
[thunder rumbles]
[person 1] This guy looks like he's up to no good or he's on drugs or something.
It's raining, and he's just walking around, looking about.
- [officer 1] Whatever he's on... - [officer 2] Okay. Bye.
[officer 1] ...he has incredible strength.
[officer 3] Yeah, crazy strength.
[reporter] Is this a bored child or a threat to public safety?
Someone who saw him pacing around in Cleveland Park
was worried enough to call the police.
A patrol car arrives at the scene, and seconds later...
[officer 1] Shot fired. Male down. Black male. Maybe 20.
[driver] You gonna-- You threatening to drag me out my own car?
[person 2] He didn't do nothing, man. He didn't do nothing!
[officer 2] I have to stop you because you're suspicious.
[officer 3] You gotta stop behind the white stop bar.
[person 3] Stop bar? Stop this.
- [officer 4] Hand me the car keys. - [driver] For a failure to signal?
-You're doing this for a failure-- - [officer 5] Get over there!
- [person 4] Killed that boy for no r-- - [person 5] Hey!
[officer 6] Step out or I will remove you. I'm giving you a lawful order.
- [officer 7] Face away from me. - [officer 6] Get out of the car!
[officer 7] Face away from me.
[person 1] A dark hoodie, like a gray hoodie,
and either jeans or sweat pants and white tennis shoes.
[dispatcher] Are you following him?
[person 1] Yeah.
[dispatcher] Okay, we don't need you to do that.
[person 6] I'm very happy with the support that we're getting
from the Police Department. I did nothing wrong,
and this trial will show that I did nothing wrong
and I'm looking forward to it.
[friend 1] Yo, did you see Russell Westbrook last night?
You have a score, like 47... And like--
There's 47, 15 rebounds and, like, 11 assists.
- [friend 2] Oh, my God. - [friend 3] What are you talking about?
- [friend 1] He's continuing to fucking... - [friend 3] About football?
- Basketball. - [friend 3] Oh, basketball.
[friend 1] Sorry.
[friend 2] I think it's cool that some of those players are,
like, talking about... you know.
- The shit that's going on? - [friend 2] Yeah.
- [friend 1] Yeah. That's true. - [friend 2] Agree. Agree.
- I mean... - [friend 1] There's so many players who--
- [friend 3] I don't agree. - [friend 1] ...and so many more, like...
There's definitely.
There is movement happening. And there needs--
Certain cultural shifts have happened in the last 20 years that, like--
There are more opportunities now for Black people than there were--
- [friend 2] Oh, for sure. - ...than having more people to--
for, like, young Black kids to look up to and stuff like that.
It's good, and--
- [friend 2] I don't know if it means-- - [friend 1] I mean, white people--
The position that you have to be in to say something like that is just...
astounding.
[friend 2] Dude, give me a brick. You know what? Give me a brick
and tell me which building that I should throw it at and all,
if that's what I need to do, but I think the--
- What we should be doing-- - [friend 3] Don't worry.
- You gonna throw air? - What do you mean?
- No. - [friend 2] What is front lines?
Like-- Like front line?
If people don't want me in the fight, then what am I gonna, like--
You know, it's, like, I'm not saying reverse racism,
because I think that that's a stupid thing.
[friend 2] It's kinda, like... frivolous or just, like, energy expenditure to just,
throw things at cops and, like, break--
You know, and, like, riot and shit.
What are you talking about though? You're making no sense.
[friend 2] I'm not the enemy. I didn't say this. Obama said this.
I didn't even say-- Like, I'm just repeating what he said.
- [friend 1] We're working on it. - Do you understand...
the deeply entrenched dehumanization
in the idea of progress?
Like, do you understand that?
If that's how you are just gonna view me right now, then, I feel a little, like--
I don't know how to, like, enter this conversation, honestly.
- [friend 2] What do you mean? - [friend 3] Hey, just saying.
Yeah, absolutely. I have no idea about, like, the Black experience or...
- We were sharing ideas. We have a goal. - [friend 3] I'm feeling the hostility.
We're allies here. We're trying to figure this out together.
- We're talking strategies about how-- - How long is this process gonna take?
Because it's been some 400 odd years, and from what I see, in the process--
- I need you to stop interrupting. - [friend 1] Yeah. All right.
I'm not saying that I'm not privileged. I'm just saying--
[friend 1] We need to chill out right now, because it's turning into a little bit--
- I'm not saying we need more police. - [friend 1] When you turn on the news,
and they talk about, like, a Black person killing another Black person,
when there's just as many, or more, instances that...
So what should I do?
Why do I have to answer that question for you?
And it's, like, I'm not the answer to fucking white supremacy.
Why don't you fucking figure out what you have to do?
You're a fucking white man. Figure it out.
Yes, that's true.
That was a-- That was an oversimplification that--
I think that was a stupid thing that you said.
[friend 2] What are you-- Stupid what? What was stupid?
[friend 1] Just-- Like, within the context of what we're talking about.
- [friend 2] Murdering somebody? - [friend 1] It's not as simple.
- [friend 2] I murdered somebody? - You know what I mean?
- [friend 1] It's not-- - [Beba] Yo, I'm out.
You're oversimplifying. Also, we're trying to con--
- [friend 2] I killed somebody with words? - Wait. Let's not--
[friend 2] No, no, no. Wait, where are you going, man?
[woman on PA, indistinct]
[Beba] Fuck Annie's respectability politics.
There is nothing honorable about trying to assimilate into a system
that is designed to destroy you.
[slow music playing]
[Beba] I stem from a Black man with worker's hands,
weary breaths and a regal stance.
I'm equipped with the melanin to confront these lies,
complex and juicy while they venture my demise.
Black woman fine,
ripe with forgiveness in me, despite human history.
Rageful, so my sanity murders these reasons to be hateful.
God, bring me back Black every time.
I've graduated from college, and I'm back in New York City.
I move into my aunt's house in Brooklyn and sleep on her dining room floor.
My friends move in together
and start working for each other's parents.
[computer beeping]
Opening night at Baby Grand is a blast.
I black out for most of it.
I spend the day at the Russian Baths.
I'm feeling isolated,
but at least I have Michael.
We first meet at our mutual friend's punk show in Williamsburg.
A few months later, I run into him at 4:00 a.m. on the L train.
After that, he asks me out,
and every day, I say no for an entire year.
I've never seen romance close-up before.
But finally, I agree.
Michael, expelled from private school.
A Bronx kid with origins in India and Puerto Rico.
With bipolar disorder and X-ray vision.
[birds chirping]
[imitating Michael] "One day we'll have babies
and start an urban farm uptown.
And you'll, like, wear silk around the house and shit."
Three months after we break up,
he jumps off the George Washington Bridge
near the park where we had our first date.
[Latin music playing]
[deejay speaking on PA, indistinct]
[in Spanish] I'm tired of crying
and you haven't appeared.
I don't know if I should curse you
or if I should cry - pray for you.
Black pigeon, black pigeon
where, where could you be?
Don't play around with my vagabond pride
since your affection should've been mine
and no one else's.
Although I love you madly
you'll never come back.
Black pigeon
you are the grater-- of my pain
I don't know what the fuck that says.
I want to be free
to live my life
with whomever I want.
God give me the strength
because I'm dying
to go find him.
[person, in English] Bravo!
[deejay speaking Spanish]
[applause, cheering]
[person] Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
[crickets chirping]
[Beba] Lost as I am, I say.
Vast as you are, they say.
On a moonlit night,
my ancestors come alive in fluorescent paint on the earth.
Lost as I am, I say.
Vast as you are, they say.
One of them winks at me.
Another one spits on me.
Lost as I am, I say.
Vast as you are, they say.
[siren wailing]
[Beba] This is a little box of stuff with mini playing cards.
There's a rosary here.
There's another rosary here.
This house has mad rosaries.
I've just turned 25.
This is where all the photo albums live.
I move back home because I don't know what else to do.
It has a vibe.
Can you feel, like, there's a vibe in there?
[upbeat music playing on speakers]
I'm too busy being an artist to realize my brother is ashamed we share a room.
I don't know. It's like the reason why I'm so...
[Veronica, in Spanish] Coño, get that thing out of here!
[Beba, in English] Tonight, I'm going to Sasha's Black love dinner.
I feel like you don't listen to what I say ever. It's absurd.
[Veronica, in Spanish] Coño, you can explain better.
[Beba, in English] I know, but you're in my way,
so I don't know how I'm supposed to do that.
I ignore the fact that I've taken my mother's bed.
And there's a voice in my head that I say in myself. I do that.
She sleeps on the couch now.
I secretly wanted to know if there was coat check,
'cause if there wasn't, then nobody would see my outfit, right?
I don't care. Daddy's happy I'm back.
Mijita, you will always, always talk way too much.
Like, you don't know when to stop.
[both laughing]
[Beba] One of my New Year's resolutions is to cook more,
because I wanna make time for myself for the ritual of cooking.
It's really important in, like, a self-care way.
I know the ingredients and the stuff I like,
and I always buy the same thing.
So we drove to Alex's h--
[Veronica mutters]
We drove, um--
- Are you okay, Mommy? - [Veronica] Yes, I am okay.
[Beba] No. Can you actually try and open your ears
and listen to what I'm saying? It's, like--
[Veronica] Ay, Rebeca, ya. No, I don't want to go there.
[Beba] Why?
[Veronica] Uh, You have to-- You have to-- [speaks Spanish]
Bring down several notches that fucking aggressiveness to you.
[Veronica speaks Spanish]
You bring down aggressiveness, or we're not gonna be able to do this.
- I'm sorry. - [Beba] You don't think you're...
[Veronica, in Spanish] 'Cause I'm leaving.
- [Beba, in English] It's just absurd-- - [Veronica, in Spanish] That bothered me!
Because I just got my treatment
and I told the doctor: "No, I have to walk."
[in English] "Couldn't you just wait until the things settle down?"
You have to walk all the way to the East Side?
- You told me. - [Beba] Why are you being manipulative?
- [Veronica] Well, you told me. - You are an autonomous human being.
[Beba] In this relationship, you are the dominant as the mother,
so this is your fault.
[Veronica] You remember that day?
[Beba] If there's anybody's fault it is, it's your fault.
This is an honest conversation about how you treat yourself.
- It has nothing to do with me. - [Veronica] Okay, yeah.
[Beba] You-- You-- You took it this far. You let it get this far.
A friend gets me an interview at a prestigious production company.
The night before, I call dibs on the first shower.
When I wake up to get ready,
my brother runs in front of me and locks the door.
First, I ask nicely.
No response.
He turns on the shower and puts music on.
When I knock again, the music gets louder.
I beg my mom to intervene.
I sink into a blind rage
as I watch the hour of the interview come and go.
Mommy scolds me for banging on the door.
I turn around and choke her.
[birds squawking]
[water running]
[Latin music playing on speakers]
[horn honking]
[Veronica, on phone] What is she looking for?
Why do you have to come out and say all this shit
that nobody has to know?
Get over it. Life is not easy.
Coño.
[horn honking]
[James Baldwin] I can't be a pessimist... because I'm alive.
To be a pessimist means that you have agreed
that human life is an academic matter.
So I'm forced to be an optimist.
I'm forced to believe that we can survive whatever we must survive.
[Beba] In the observable universe, there are approximately two trillion galaxies.
So other life must exist.
But to reach the nearest star would take us 100,000 years.
[insects chirping]
On this planet,
to make sense of the vastness of our universe...
we've created direction and time...
which have evolved into social constructs
and other systems of illusion...
to give us importance,
another illusion.
Every day, we come together in spectacular forms
to uphold these metanarratives.
[Veronica] When you have a kid,
you're gonna realize that this shit is true.
This is love.
Everything else is like, ok--
But that's the real one.
[Beba] On my mother's side,
Venezolanos pass down passion, resilience and crippling delusion.
On my father's side,
Dominicanos pass down courage, ambition...
and abusive rage.
Beba.
Brave.
Stubborn.
Narcissistic.
Chronically cruel.
Existing is to hold space for all of this.
I fear my family will never talk to me again.
I promise...
this is the last time I'll snitch.
[Audre Lorde] Love as deeply as if it were forever.
Only nothing is eternal.
Speak proudly to your children, wherever you may find them.
Tell them you are the offspring of slaves,
and your mother was a princess in darkness.
["Paloma Negra" playing]