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{\an8}A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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Thank you so much!
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Guys!
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Welcome!
Nice to have you all here with us.
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Especially in the middle
of the Christmas season.
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I'll give you credit for that.
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Right now, you could have been
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at some Christmas party
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lying in your own vomit. But no,
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you came to see me in church instead.
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Peace be with you.
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Isn't that...?
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I think this period before Christmas
is a special time of year, right?
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A very special, a unique mix of
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reflection and antisocial stress.
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A sort of reflective stress.
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But you're the one doing this to yourself.
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Because you always have the feeling,
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"I need to finish everything
before Christmas. I have to get it done."
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"No, that has to be done before Christmas.
It's got to be finished."
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The personal to-do lists,
but also the personal conflicts.
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They have to be sorted out
before Christmas.
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As if the world is going to end
after Christmas.
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Got to be done.
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My uncle is a tradesman.
He always gets asked
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"Can you do our bathroom?
But we want it done before Christmas."
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He always says, "Yeah, of course,
before Christmas. Just not this year."
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But it is a special time of year
and a joyful anticipation, right?
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And to draw out this anticipation,
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there are advent calendars, right?
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So that you can freak out a little
every day instead of all at once.
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So you can have it little by little.
Of course, these days there are
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a ridiculous number of advent calendars.
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Do any of you do handicrafts?
Have you ever made one?
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There are people who make them in August.
But they keep it to themselves.
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They keep it to themselves.
Then just before Christmas they'll say
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"Yeah, I made some for the whole family,
of course."
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For the children
and then for the parents and the dog.
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Where you think,
"What kind of psychopaths are you?"
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Which I can understand… Ah, someone's got
their hand up already. Exactly.
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Which I can understand if your partner
is kind of sweet.
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You do that, at least in the first year
of the relationship.
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But usually you find
that for the first seven doors,
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you have really good ideas, right?
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Then you're like,
"I'm really a great girlfriend."
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"I have super creative ideas."
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But after the seventh door…
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Then it gets tough.
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Then you think, "Yeah."
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"Sod it, another Hanuta chocolate wafer."
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"And another one!"
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Oh, he has a hazelnut allergy.
"Meh, another one!"
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I once had a boyfriend.
I think I was 16 at the time.
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I made my then-boyfriend
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an advent calendar from sandwich bags.
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And in some bags there were letters inside
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and when you put them together,
it spelled "I love you".
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Yes. I was super sweet.
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But also very, very dumb.
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Because there were two problems.
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First problem.
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After "I lov…"
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It's pretty obvious where that's going.
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I mean, what else could come afterwards?
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I lo…unge on the sofa?
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I'll deliver pizza.
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I lo…ng to get my belly button pierced.
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And the second problem was
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I noticed on the 9th of December
that, nah…
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This guy is not the one.
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That was a problem,
and at 16 it happens fast, right?
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The transition from,
"Oh, my God, I'm so in love!"
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to "Eww, who's that?"
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is seamless.
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And so, after "I love",
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I simply put
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"Christmas".
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His present said
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"I love Christmas."
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Yeah.
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Yeah, why? I always wanted to say it.
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Oh, yeah and it's over.
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That's a 16-year-old's break-up for you.
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You couldn't send a text,
but I didn't even answer his calls.
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"I dumped him", you'd say now.
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I heard recently
it's now called "dumping".
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You don't break up anymore,
you "dump" someone.
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It sounds so cool, right?
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"Dumped."
Sounds like you put the guy in a basket.
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And then just like in
Little Red Riding Hood,
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put a plaid napkin on top.
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And then dump him off at his mother's.
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No, that was not what I'd imagined.
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I recently read
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that advent calendars are just like
a normal calendar. A tool for counting.
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And in the past,
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your advent calendar would be just a bunch
of chalk lines.
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24 chalk lines
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drawn on the wall, and the children
were allowed to wipe one away every day.
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That was the advent calendar.
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The children must have leapt out
of their feather bed full of anticipation
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at 5 a.m. before heading out
to dig up the frozen field.
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Can you imagine that happening today?
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With these spoiled little brats.
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"Mom, what kind of advent calendar
do I have this year?"
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"Apple? Playmobil?"
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"No, my son, this year we have something
very special for you."
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"You're allowed to wipe a line
off the wall every day."
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"Enjoy."
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"Can I at least keep the sponge, mom?"
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"No."
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"And while you're at it,
you can also do the kitchen floor."
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But at least we had
better advent calendars, right?
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When we were kids,
we had really cool ones.
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I mean, there weren't
these dumb ones with pictures.
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I know a friend of mine just had
one with pictures. Poor thing.
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But we had the ones with chocolate.
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Every day a little chocolate inside.
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For me it somehow got etched in my mind,
"this is the best chocolate in the world."
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The very best.
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Today, I know. No.
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That was the most disgusting chocolate
in the world, right?
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Hey, if you try that again today,
then you'll think, "Eww!"
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"That tastes like an exhaust pipe."
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"That tastes as if someone's
left the wrapper on".
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Like "Eww, why...?"
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And I think that it only tasted
so good for us as kids
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because you were never allowed chocolate.
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I mean your taste buds
weren't very well developed.
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Of course it tasted like shit.
There was petroleum inside, right?
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That was inside
those little plastic moulds, of course.
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Petroleum. You get high from it, right?
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Almost the same as sniffing glue,
eating petroleum.
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You could say that children
used to run on fossil fuels.
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Today, you have everything
as an advent calendar, right?
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There are advent calendars with socks.
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With Lego, Playmobil, with jewelry.
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Cosmetics. They're actually pretty good.
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With perfume, with puppies, dinosaurs and…
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with sex toys.
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You know those with… Oh, yes.
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Ah, you know this? Alright then.
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You pretty much get a sex toy every day
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behind the door. But I always think,
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"Is that really that cool?"
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When you wake up first thing
in the morning
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and open your eyes, drool on the pillow
with that disgusting morning breath.
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And the first thing you do,
"I'll open up this door
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and see what I should
indulge my body with today."
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And on St Nicholas Day, it's a butt plug.
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Yeah, on St Nicholas Day
there's always something big inside.
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With a sex toy advent calendar,
you get scared
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because you've seen that thing
since 1st December.
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"Oh, God. What is that?"
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And the best thing is you know
that everyone who bought this calendar
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is going to stick this thing
in themselves tonight.
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Great experience.
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Good, not everyone. Those who already
know the calendar wait for the lube.
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That comes first at door number eight.
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And when you have got so many
advent calendars in a family,
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then you have to be careful
not to get them mixed up.
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Otherwise you end up with, "Hey, baby,
but that dildo from door number 8, huh?"
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"Hey, sorry, but somehow it hurts."
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"Yeah, baby, that's the T-Rex
from the children's advent calendar."
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"Ah, okay, okay.
Then, I'll just give it back to them."
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Somehow these sex toy calendars
are totally stuffy to me.
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I don't know why.
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Perhaps it is something
for somewhat prudish people.
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For people who are basically prudish
but who are also responsible.
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But people who say,
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"Usually, I don't like
shoving big objects inside me."
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"But, well, that was here
inside the calendar."
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"We bought it, we paid for it…
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and today is St Nicholas Day
and we have to celebrate."
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"It has to be done."
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It's not my thing. But I have a friend
and she's been longing
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for her boyfriend to gift her
such a calendar.
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She won't buy it herself,
it has to be a gift.
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She thinks it's great. And one Christmas,
he came home and said,
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"Baby, I've got you
a very special advent calendar."
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And she was like, "Hell, yes."
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And he said, "It's just the thing
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to add a little variety
to our relationship
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and a bit of oomph into our lives."
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That'd be the reason for me
to break up with someone
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if someone starts to talk about "oomph".
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"I would like a bit of oomph in our--"
Thank you. That's it for me now.
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And then she began wonder,
"God, what did he get me?"
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"What is it? Get it out."
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"Is it something with knots?
Is it whips, ball bearings?"
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And he gets the thing out.
An advent calendar
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with tea.
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Yes. Also exciting.
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Very exciting.
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"They're wild mixtures."
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00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,200
"Crazy lemon balm peppermint."
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00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:14,160
"Ah, five minutes' brew time?
Yes, let me brew for five minutes, yes."
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"Oh, calming tea."
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"Oh, my God, yes.
Do me with Earl Grey. Do me Earl."
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00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:27,840
"Earl Grey"? He must have been
the dullest guy ever.
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One Shade of Grey.
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And my friend is like, "Great."
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00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,480
"Everyone is fucking
their brains out at Christmas
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and all I get to hang in my cup
is a bag of chamomile tea."
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00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,920
"Yep, looks like the T-Rex
needs to go back in."
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00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,040
But it's always a bit difficult
with Christmas and relationships.
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There are lots of problems that can arise.
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They say Christmas is celebration of love.
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Atheists in particular say that
so that they can celebrate it too.
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00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,320
And I can probably speak about this
from experience
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I went through a Christmas
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where I was dumped on Christmas Eve.
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Yeah.
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That was hard.
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For 20 minutes, I managed to act
as if nothing had happened.
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00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:26,360
But then I broke down sobbing
under the tree. And that was disaster.
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Maybe some of you get it.
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That's worse case scenario
for a family who, Christmas or not,
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don't speak about emotions.
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My family was completely overwhelmed.
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00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,640
My brother got up and said,
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00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,600
"Okay, I'm going to the kitchen
to make everyone a Moscow Mule."
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00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,440
That was the only
rational thing that happened.
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My father stood in front of me.
He knew he had to do something.
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Stood in front of me, looked at me,
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00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,360
lashed out and hit me
really hard in the side and said,
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"Now c'mon!
You're usually such a strong woman."
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00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,800
He might as well have hit
a five-year-old and said,
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00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,640
"Now explain to me the theory
of relativity, you are usually so clever!"
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00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,240
And then I was already really like,
"What is happening?"
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00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,960
And then my mother got up
and I'm thinking,
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00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,720
"Finally! She knows what to do.
She understands my emotions."
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00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,240
My mother gets up, goes to the piano.
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00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,240
And either due to a subconscious impulse
or because she wants to lighten the mood,
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00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,400
she plays the only song
she knows by heart.
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00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,080
And it was "My Heart Will Go On".
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00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:45,800
"Are you fucking serious?"
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00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,360
Okay, she's comparing my love life
to the Titanic sinking.
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00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,280
Yeah, how fitting, of course.
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00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,800
And I was lying there under
this tree like, "Are you all kidding me?"
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I cried into the tree.
My sobs flooded the house.
245
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,280
It was so bad.
246
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,760
And on therapeutic advice,
247
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,640
I have tried to process
this terrible situation with a song.
248
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,600
Oh, you sad one
249
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,800
Oh, you agonizing
250
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:37,880
Tearful Christmas time
251
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,160
Boyfriend is lost
252
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,160
He's found someone else
253
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:54,680
And so I cry, how I cry
Oh, what woe
254
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,760
Oh, you sad one
255
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,080
Oh, you agonizing
256
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:12,160
Tearful Christmas time
257
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,000
Mama plays the piano
258
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,760
Papa hit me here
259
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,200
So I cry
260
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:29,520
How I cry, oh, what woe
261
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,280
Thank you very much.
262
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:42,880
Thank you very much.
263
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,080
I'm feeling better already.
264
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,040
But in that moment I thought, "My God."
265
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,600
While thinking back to the Christmases
I had as a child.
266
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,120
Because as a kid,
Christmas is always wonderful, right?
267
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,840
You're always happy,
it's always really great.
268
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,320
But let's not kid ourselves.
269
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:06,040
As a kid, the most important thing
about Christmas is the presents, right?
270
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:10,760
I know that sounds a bit immoral,
but if you'd have asked me as a kid,
271
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,280
"What's more important
to you at Christmas?
272
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:19,160
That God sacrificed his son
for you and all people in the world?"
273
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,800
"Or the new Game Boy?"
274
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,320
It may surprise you to hear
275
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,720
that I said,
276
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,320
"The Game Boy, please."
277
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,600
Yeah, I'm sorry, but what kind
of a present is sacrificing your son?
278
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,040
No thanks, man! Are you crazy?
279
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:46,400
That's way too abstract for a child.
That you tell that to children, right?
280
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
Dear God sacrificed his son for you.
281
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:54,280
Dude! For me, that's insane.
282
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,600
That wasn't at all necessary.
I don't even know the guy.
283
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,680
It's not the least bit gruesome, is it?
That Dear God let his son die.
284
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,960
First, he banishes him from heaven
285
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:11,720
to some shabby planet where there's just
floods, earthquakes and Brussels sprouts.
286
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,720
And as if that wasn't enough,
he lets him get crucified.
287
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,160
As a child you're like, "Uh huh, uh huh."
288
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,520
"And that's Dear God."
289
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:23,480
"Okay, right then,
I'll pray to him, sounds cool."
290
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,600
Presents are the most important thing
291
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,040
and that's why the wish lists
from me and my brother
292
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,640
got longer and longer every Christmas.
293
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,120
Not because we were materialistic pigs,
who couldn't get enough.
294
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,280
But because we never got
exactly what we wished for,
295
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,280
instead, it was always something
that was similar.
296
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:57,880
So toys from the flea market,
toys other kids have already played with.
297
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,880
Today we call that
super sustainable. Really.
298
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,600
But as a kid,
you think fuck sustainability.
299
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:09,040
As a kid, you want the original Barbie
from the fucking pink box.
300
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:13,080
And not a Polish copy that someone
has drawn pubes on with a Sharpie.
301
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,640
Not even wax strips will get that off.
302
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,720
And that's why we started writing
303
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,960
very exact descriptions
of the presents on our wish lists
304
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,040
because we thought,
"This baby Jesus is a bit dumb."
305
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:32,160
We have to give an exact description.
So we didn't just write Barbie,
306
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,800
but the "Original Barbie from Mattel".
307
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,160
"Original packaging. Pink box.
Must be sealed."
308
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:46,880
Once, I took one of those
Christmas catalogs you get in the mail
309
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,760
and cut out the things
and glued them on the wish list.
310
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,960
If we had had the internet,
311
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,480
I would've added everything
to my parents' basket and ordered.
312
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,800
If mother had asked,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
313
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,040
"It's coming, they'll ring in a minute.
It's sorted. It's gonna be delivered."
314
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,480
Yeah, okay. So maybe I wished
for a few unrealistic things.
315
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,520
I know that now.
316
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:20,200
For example, every year I asked
for a pony until I was 17.
317
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,560
Yeah, and I still know
how absurd it felt for me as a kid
318
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,120
that I never got one.
319
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,760
I just couldn't understand why.
320
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,960
I thought, "Why can't I have a pony?"
321
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,520
We have a garden.
So the pony can graze there.
322
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,120
We have a garden shed,
323
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,120
we can put the lawnmower in the garage
and then the pony could live there.
324
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,040
"Why not?"
325
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:43,600
But I didn't get one.
326
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,200
And I remember that at some point
before Christmas, my brother said to me,
327
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,320
"I know what you're gonna get."
328
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,280
And straight away I was like, "A pony?"
329
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,640
"Okay, don't say it."
330
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,680
"How big is it?"
331
00:20:58,760 --> 00:20:59,840
And he was like,
332
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:00,960
"It's this big."
333
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,480
I was like, "Oh. How does it feel?"
334
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,680
And he was like, "Very soft."
335
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,360
I was like, "Oh, my God,
I'm getting a pony. Oh, my God!"
336
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,960
I really fell asleep every night
with tears in my eyes.
337
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,680
I thought up until Christmas
that I was gonna get a pony.
338
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,760
And what I got for a present was…
339
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,160
bedsheets.
340
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,360
With a pony print.
341
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,520
My brother was a lousy,
mean little sadist.
342
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,440
I may have wanted to suffocate him
with the bed sheet.
343
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,680
I may have even tried that,
but I'm not allowed to talk about it.
344
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,840
I really did wish for a pony. Really.
345
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,800
And that's why I was obsessed with it.
346
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,760
I imagined it, pictured it,
my life with a pony.
347
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,520
And maybe every now and then,
I'd tell a few people about it.
348
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,880
Just mention that I had a pony.
349
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,560
As a child I didn't take the truth
too seriously anyway.
350
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,760
Just tried it. And when you tell
other kids you have your own horse…
351
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,640
well, that makes you very popular.
352
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,080
They freaked out of course, "What?"
And I thought that was great.
353
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,880
But I figured out it was best
354
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,920
to only con the kids who didn't come
to play at my house after school.
355
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:21,440
So I realized it's best to tell that
to the children from my ballet lessons.
356
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,800
And there I could really lay it on thick.
357
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,440
I told them the best stories.
358
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,280
I thought up a beautiful coat color
for the pony, a beautiful name.
359
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,440
I took it to tournaments.
360
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,760
This pony could do tricks.
361
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,960
The girls went crazy.
362
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,840
They followed me around.
They worshipped the ground I stood on.
363
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,240
Especially the ones
who also went horse-riding.
364
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,640
They knew what that meant,
to own your own horse.
365
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,280
For them I was Bibi and Tina
rolled into one.
366
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,240
And I remember on one afternoon,
I had been laying it on really thick.
367
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,080
"Yeah, that's what it's like with my pony"
and all the girls were like, "Oh, my God!"
368
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,440
I had a right little entourage behind me.
369
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,680
We came out of the ballet hall.
All kids were being picked up
370
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,400
and one girl ran right up to her mother,
371
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:11,920
"Mom, mom, did you know Caro has a pony?"
372
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,040
And the mother said to me,
"Really, you have a pony?"
373
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:20,200
And I felt so sure I was like,
"Yeah, man, that's right. I have a pony."
374
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,280
And she was like,
"Awesome! Is it here in Cologne?"
375
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,440
"Yeah, of course."
376
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,920
"Yeah, where is it then?"
377
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:32,880
And I looked around the parking lot and
above the trees I saw the roof of a hall.
378
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,160
"There. There's my pony." And she said,
379
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,360
"Really, your horse is there?" I was like,
380
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,120
"Yep, yep, yep."
381
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,160
And she was like, "Well, that's weird
because that's a tennis court."
382
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,600
And I was like,
"Mmh, the pony also plays tennis!"
383
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,400
…also plays tennis.
384
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,120
Spoiler alert: I never got a pony.
385
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,600
I had it pretty tough as a child.
386
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,200
But not when I was the one
giving presents.
387
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,200
If you are giving presents as a kid,
388
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,320
then you have it pretty easy, right?
389
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,280
As a child, you can give any shit as
a present and your parents will go wild.
390
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,840
Really. You can fold a piece of paper
and gift to your mother.
391
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,640
"Oh, that's so beautifully folded.
Beautiful!"
392
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,000
You don't even really have
to make an effort.
393
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,560
You paint a shitty picture of the family
where they all look like blow-up aliens.
394
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,160
And they're like, "Ah, it's beautiful!"
395
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,720
But I was too lazy to paint.
396
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,920
So instead I made gift vouchers.
397
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:43,720
But in the beginning, I didn't think
about the time and effort for the gift.
398
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,280
My first voucher was,
399
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,760
"One year's help with the housework".
400
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,600
Yeah. My mother laughed a lot.
401
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:58,880
And after one day I said,
"Ah. Ah, I have made a mistake."
402
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,800
And then I worked my way down
to something more realistic.
403
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,520
And then I gave a voucher which said,
"Will be nice for a day".
404
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,280
Actually I said,
"Will be 'nic' for a day".
405
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,360
The "e" was missing.
406
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,080
That was also found in the box,
"Will be nic for one day". Should do.
407
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,920
But when you think about it,
it could also be interpreted as
408
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,880
"Hello, mom,
I will be nice for one day a year."
409
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:27,080
That means for the other 364 days a year,
I won't be.
410
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,120
But in leap years, it'll be 365 days.
411
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,520
That wasn't a present,
that was effectively blackmail.
412
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,200
But mothers are not too fussy.
413
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,160
You can give them any voucher
as a present.
414
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,480
They think everything is great.
415
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,640
I think that's a kind of self-protection.
416
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,600
That you're always happy.
417
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,200
All mothers say, "Thanks,
that's so nice of you. So unnecessary."
418
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,600
I really think it's self-protection
419
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,320
because there's an issue
we tend to ignore.
420
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,200
Yeah, due to a certain reluctance.
421
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,280
There's a thing called
422
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,480
"The Gender Present Gap".
423
00:25:58,560 --> 00:25:59,920
Gender pay gap.
424
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,320
We all know about that. Women get paid
less than men for the same work.
425
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,360
But women still get fewer presents.
426
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,720
Men and children get the best presents
in the world for Christmas.
427
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,080
Why? Because women
have been thinking about it since July.
428
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,240
They write out lists.
They have notes on their phone.
429
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,560
That's why kids and men
get such cool presents
430
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,840
like a telescope or a bungee rope.
431
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,040
Or a knife-sharpening-course or something.
432
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:32,440
And women get almost nothing. When women
get something, it's something practical.
433
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,080
Like a hoover attachment.
434
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,840
That's what mommy gets,
a hoover attachment.
435
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:40,080
Not even kidding.
A friend of mine got that as a present.
436
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,880
I think that there are certain things
that don't belong in wrapping paper.
437
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,040
And one of those is a hoover attachment.
438
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:50,200
Yeah but it's mega-ergonomic
and super practical.
439
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,840
God! Toilet paper is also super practical
440
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:54,720
but I don't give that
as a Christmas present.
441
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,040
A hoover--
442
00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,680
Women just get practical things,
if anything.
443
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:04,680
Please ask a woman you know, a mother
444
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,040
or family manager,
what they got for Christmas last year.
445
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:09,400
I bet you'll hear something like,
446
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:14,400
"Well, let me think,
my little one painted me a beer mat."
447
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,280
And in the post
448
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,600
I received a bottle opener
from our bank's customer service.
449
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:23,840
Oh, man, that really is something.
450
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:27,520
That's just great.
451
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,640
That is a crying injustice.
452
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,160
Most of the women I know
453
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,520
would have deserved
a shopping cart full of presents.
454
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:45,080
They are, after all the producers
of the whole Christmas thing, right?
455
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:47,960
Except that in comparison
to film producers,
456
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,000
they don't take all the money home.
457
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:52,000
Yeah.
458
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,720
They produce Christmas.
459
00:27:55,800 --> 00:28:01,160
If there was an Oscar award ceremony
for Christmas, Christmas festivities,
460
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,320
then every woman would be thanked.
461
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,280
"Thank you. Without you,
it wouldn't have been possible, Margaret."
462
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,880
Because they do everything.
463
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,880
They don't just make sure
that everyone gets presents.
464
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:16,000
Without the women, half the family
wouldn't know that Christmas is happening.
465
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,080
Because they also tell everyone where,
how and when it will be celebrated.
466
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:25,520
I have a friend who has her own business,
as well as three kids.
467
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:30,160
I saw on her to-do list a point,
"Organize Christmas". It was one point.
468
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,840
One point on her fucking list.
"Yeah, I'll do it on the side, fuck it."
469
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:35,080
Women take care of everything.
470
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,040
The party, the decorations, the food.
471
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:41,400
Meanwhile they also have to worry
about keeping peace in the family.
472
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,440
Without them, relatives would fight,
473
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,600
probably an uncle
with a cousin or something.
474
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:51,360
Without anyone realizing it, they prevent
fist-fights by handing out schnapps.
475
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,920
All the while looking like a bombshell.
476
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,840
And the greatest unrecognized
achievement is of course
477
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,320
that whole time they have to act
478
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,440
like it's no problem whatsoever.
479
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,720
Actually the highlight of Christmas
shouldn't be the present-giving,
480
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,640
but honoring the woman of the house.
481
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,040
But that's not the case,
and if these women dare to say,
482
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,440
"Oh, guys, it's too stressful
for me right now, it's too much."
483
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:17,760
"Oh, mom!"
484
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,000
"She's going crazy."
485
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:25,400
"Just chill. Relax for goodness' sake.
It's Christmas!"
486
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:30,640
Whatever. Perhaps it's our own fault,
us girls, because
487
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:34,800
before Christmas, often we say,
with a tinge of panic,
488
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,280
we say things like,
489
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,800
"Hey you, this year, let's not
give each other presents, right?"
490
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,400
We won't exchange presents.
That sounds easy at first
491
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:50,560
but the problem is with
these different definitions of nothing.
492
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,240
What does nothing mean exactly
in this sentence?
493
00:29:54,760 --> 00:30:00,160
The fact is, for men,
"nothing" means nothing.
494
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:06,800
Nothing as in nothing. Nothing whatsoever.
495
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,720
And for women nothing is "Nothing?"
496
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,160
"Apart from a little something."
497
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,400
"Well, nothing big
498
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:21,680
maybe a little something
that expresses your eternal love for me."
499
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,600
"And that will maybe bring
a tear to my eye as I unwrap it."
500
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,480
"But that's nothing."
501
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,800
That's a different definition.
502
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:37,280
Whatever. Perhaps it's just logical
that there's this gender present gap.
503
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,800
Because the church
has a long tradition of misogyny
504
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,320
and Christmas
is all about traditions, right?
505
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,160
So it's just a natural consequence.
506
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,680
It started with the fact that
the Catholics invented the perfect family
507
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,040
with no women whatsoever.
508
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,760
Right?
The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit.
509
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:59,960
Three boys. Doesn't sound
particularly Catholic at first, right?
510
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,480
It's just an apartment share,
nothing sexual.
511
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,240
But at least there are
no women to bother us.
512
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,240
Of course, in the history of Catholicism,
there are a few women
513
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,240
but unfortunately,
they're all lousy characters.
514
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,960
It all started with Eve.
She got us into deep shit.
515
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:22,040
Ate the apple.
Got us all thrown out of paradise.
516
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:26,680
You could also say,
"Hey, Eve was canny, she was curious."
517
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,680
"She looks beyond her nose,
she wasn't a yes-woman
518
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,280
she was inquisitive."
519
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:35,120
And as far as I am aware,
Adam also took a bite of the apple.
520
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,440
But with him it wasn't a problem.
521
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,920
Yeah, okay so they both got punished
by being thrown out of paradise
522
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,680
but it was Eve who was punished
with the original sin, right?
523
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:48,320
And not only Eve,
but all the women who followed.
524
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:52,520
So we're all carrying her sin.
525
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,760
Which means unbearable pain
while giving birth
526
00:31:55,840 --> 00:32:00,320
and bleeding
from our genitals every month.
527
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,920
Yeah, man, we get it.
528
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,120
Little bit of an overreaction.
529
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:19,360
And maybe the gender present gap is
consequently just a punishment from God.
530
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:23,040
And I don't know,
I always thought my aunt was talking shit.
531
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,720
My aunt always said,
532
00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:28,280
"Oh, I have never got cool presents
like my brother", that's my uncle.
533
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,880
"He also didn't have to help
around the house as much."
534
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,520
And my Dad always said,
"Fucking bullshit."
535
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,080
We all said, "Yeah, nonsense."
536
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:40,520
Then, at some point, we were looking
at some old slides with our grandma.
537
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:44,320
From the '60s,
Christmas with tons of tinsel.
538
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,400
And you see my uncle in the foreground
539
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,400
with his brand new racing bike,
beaming from ear to ear.
540
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:54,640
In the background my aunt sobbing,
with a chocolate bar in her hand.
541
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:57,720
Really. It probably wasn't even
the good one with petroleum.
542
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,960
My aunt had it pretty good, actually.
543
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,920
At least,
she didn't get any embarrassing presents.
544
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,320
My cousin once got given
an epilator for Christmas
545
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:20,720
from our grandma in front of everyone.
546
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,080
To be fair to my grandma,
she didn't know what it was.
547
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,440
My aunt had wrapped it up for my cousin.
548
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,080
Alas thank God my aunt
explained what it was to everyone.
549
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,120
"Yeah, yeah, she's just turned 13
550
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:35,760
but she already has
such long black hairs on her legs."
551
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:42,240
My grandma was like, "Hey, what kind
of thing is that for shaving legs?"
552
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,360
"What kind of newfangled thing is that?"
553
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:51,800
I really ask myself, at what point
do you become a grandma?
554
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:54,600
When are you a grandma or grandpa?
555
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:59,560
I'm not taking about having grandchildren,
but in terms of personality.
556
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:05,120
At the moment, I'm normal.
I wear colorful clothes.
557
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,600
But at some point,
I will be a grandma and only wear…
558
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,080
beige.
559
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:16,400
Yeah, but not Kim Kardashian beige,
but health beige.
560
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:18,840
When does that happen?
561
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:22,200
I mean at the moment I still have
my own style, I hope.
562
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:27,000
But at some point that will disappear
and then I will dress like a grandma.
563
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:31,000
When does this happen? How does it happen?
564
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:37,280
And the best thing is that every grandma
in every generation looks the same, right?
565
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:41,920
When I was a child, the grandmas
looked exactly the same as they do today.
566
00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:45,240
Always a pleated skirt, a glittery sweater
and orthopedic shoes.
567
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:46,880
Exactly like that.
568
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,440
Does it sneak upon you gradually?
569
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:54,320
You know? That you just start
with beige shoes you think, "Ah."
570
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:56,840
"That's my kind of thing."
571
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:01,720
And then it starts moving higher
and higher up. Beige pants perhaps?
572
00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:07,960
Or is it more of a formal process?
You get a letter from the council
573
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,720
and then, you open it and you say,
574
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,960
"Oh, Manfred, it's time.
We have to wear beige now."
575
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:22,360
Then you have to take all
your colorful sneakers, caps and things
576
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,280
and hand them in to the council.
577
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,080
And then you get
a pensioner's vest to wear.
578
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:30,240
With like twenty pockets.
579
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,880
But what do you do
with all the empty pockets?
580
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,280
Where do you get
the stuff to put inside them?
581
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,480
Maybe you get a voucher so you can
go to Müller's senior outfitters.
582
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,440
Then you get the pensioner's starter kit.
583
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,800
"So, pensioner's pocket content."
584
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,440
"Here, a handful of cough sweets."
585
00:35:57,240 --> 00:36:00,640
"Out of date, of course.
Half of them without the wrapper."
586
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:06,000
Then a handkerchief
and a shop receipt from 2007.
587
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,440
But you still have 20 more pockets.
What do you put in them?
588
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:15,160
Well, you put some sort of wrapped-up food
into every single one, of course.
589
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:18,240
The type of food
you put in a Tupperware.
590
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:19,160
Even eggs.
591
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,120
It's not as if nature
has prepacked the eggs perfectly.
592
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:27,760
Then you put them in a Tupperware
and only get them out on ICE trains.
593
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,560
And that's where you eat the eggs.
594
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:34,760
I recently saw a group
of elderly women sitting in the train
595
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,080
all cracking open their eggs.
596
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:44,640
And I thought, "Gosh!"
Somehow, I don't see grandmas anymore.
597
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:47,640
In my experience, older women
598
00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:53,160
you only really see them on ICE trains
or at family occasions.
599
00:36:53,240 --> 00:36:55,240
But when you turn on the TV?
600
00:36:55,320 --> 00:37:00,040
Every female presenter
over 40 is replaced.
601
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,200
In films, there are loads of young women,
of course, but older women?
602
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:05,640
You can forget Instagram.
603
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:09,880
Somehow it's like they have been
sucked out of society.
604
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:11,720
They're somehow just gone.
605
00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,840
As a child,
I imagined that was what dying was like.
606
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,960
That you just sort of fade out.
607
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:18,960
I imagined it a little differently.
608
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:23,800
My grandma always measured my height
with a mark on the door.
609
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:26,080
And always said, "Now, you're this tall."
610
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:30,080
She would then tell me,
"I used to be taller before."
611
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,480
As a kid, I was like,
"Huh? How does that work?"
612
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,280
"You grow, but you can't get smaller."
613
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,840
She said, "It's true. In old age,
you shrink, you get smaller."
614
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,280
I was like, "Oh, yeah?"
615
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,920
That then started turning
the cogs in my brain.
616
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,240
I thought,
"Ah, that's what getting old is like."
617
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,680
Getting old is shrinking again and again.
618
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,000
So grandma will keep getting
smaller and smaller.
619
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,440
And then at some point,
she'll live in a doll's house.
620
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,160
Then she'll live in a Lego house.
621
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,160
Then, when we can't find her anymore,
622
00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,480
we'll be hoovering,
"Oof, something rattled."
623
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:07,920
Oh, no.
624
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:10,800
Grandma.
625
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,960
I thought that then you're dead.
626
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,800
When you get sucked up.
627
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,520
When my grandma really died.
628
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,520
I was still in church thinking
the coffin is way too big.
629
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,520
Or are there a couple of grannies inside?
630
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:39,280
That's the last time I went to church.
When my grandmother died.
631
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:42,280
I mean, I'm not what you'd call
a regular church-goer.
632
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,080
But I think that Christmas is still…
633
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,120
The church is always full
for mass at Christmas.
634
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,560
Otherwise there's no one there,
even if there wasn't Corona.
635
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,760
But the church is always packed out.
636
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,720
You get the feeling they've been
reserving their places since November.
637
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,280
"No, no one can sit here.
These seats are for our family."
638
00:38:58,800 --> 00:38:59,920
Packed to the rafters.
639
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,440
Hey, if I had a show
640
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,360
that was empty for the rest of the year,
not a soul
641
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,160
but then packed out once a year,
642
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:10,360
I would say, "Guys, we're gonna give
the performance of our lives."
643
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:12,440
"Then, they'll come every day."
644
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:16,120
"We're gonna entertain them,
they won't know what's hit them."
645
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,640
But the Catholic church is like,
"Yeah. Or not."
646
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:27,000
"No. Instead let's have the kids
perform a play, which is way too long."
647
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,520
"Which everyone already knows."
648
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,880
"And everyone
should speak really quietly."
649
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,280
"In a room with ceilings
that are too high."
650
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:37,680
"Oh, and everyone should have
their backs to the audience."
651
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:43,000
And then we'll get a gentle woman
with a cheeky short haircut to read.
652
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:48,080
She'll read a gentle text out loud.
From the Bible, where you think,
653
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:52,600
"Even the best book in the world
sounds shit, if you read it like that."
654
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,120
"And it came to pass in those days
655
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,840
that there went out a decree
from Caesar Augustus
656
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:03,360
that all the world should be taxed.
657
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,520
And this taxing was first made
658
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,920
when Cyrenius was governor of Syria."
659
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:17,200
No.
660
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:27,640
And then there's the priest.
With each second, you notice that
661
00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,840
he hates kids.
662
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,040
He hates kids. He just pretends.
663
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,760
He would love to throw
Finn-Friedrich out of the first row.
664
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:38,120
Because he is interrupting the sermon
665
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,240
and hitting his neighbor's head
with the hymn book.
666
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:43,800
But he can't do that
because he has to say stuff like
667
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,680
"Christmas is about the miracle
of childbirth and love for a child!"
668
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,560
"So let the children come to me!"
669
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,040
But what he'd really like to do
is grab Finn-Friedrich and say,
670
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,960
"Shut your mouth, boy.
Or I'll smack you with the candlestick."
671
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,360
"If you're not quiet
672
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:02,360
then Knecht Ruprecht will come
and stick long needles in your eyes."
673
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:04,920
Of course…
674
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:15,800
In the Catholic church you have to just be
thankful that the priest only hates kids.
675
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,520
That's the lesser of two evils.
676
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:18,680
Well, of course…
677
00:41:20,240 --> 00:41:21,920
Surprise!
678
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:28,240
People don't really like going to church,
because the whole Christmas story
679
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:30,800
isn't really relevant
to our lives anymore.
680
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,000
You sit there as a young person and think,
681
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,400
"What the hell is going on?"
682
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:39,200
I mean if the Christmas story
happened today,
683
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:41,720
then everything
would be completely different.
684
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,040
I mean, it starts with the procreation.
685
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,640
Mary and God would probably
have met each other on Tinder.
686
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:49,880
I assume.
687
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:51,240
Everything would be different.
688
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:56,640
As if Joseph and Mary
would have slept in a barn. Fat chance!
689
00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:59,480
They would have checked into
some cool loft from Airbnb
690
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:03,200
in the completely gentrified center
of Bethlehem, obviously.
691
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:04,120
For sure.
692
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:06,280
As if they wouldn't check out a stable
they saw on a hotel comparison site
693
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,120
"Only one star? No, no way."
694
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:12,240
As if the three wise men
695
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:16,960
would have come in person
all that way just to give the presents.
696
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,520
They would have just sent them
with Amazon, right?
697
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,480
Already wrapped as a present.
698
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,880
Where you pay a €79.80 surcharge
699
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,200
just to get them packed
in those crappy cloth bags.
700
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:31,360
That's really the easiest way to say,
"I have money and I don't care about you."
701
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:35,720
That's how it would be. Better to
just give any crap as a present, right?
702
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,360
We always do a joke Secret Santa,
me and my friends.
703
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:42,760
Joke Secret Santa is the same
as normal Secret Santa
704
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,760
except you actually admit
how shit the gifts are.
705
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:47,800
We do that every year at Christmas
706
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:51,080
but unfortunately,
the day before Christmas Eve.
707
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:56,840
Which means that I can't really remember
the last few Christmas Eves too well.
708
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:01,440
Because I always have such a bad hangover
on Christmas Eve
709
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:03,080
that I can't remember.
710
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,760
But we always have to do
the joke Secret Santa on the 23rd
711
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:07,920
because that's the only time
everyone is in Cologne.
712
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,640
Nowadays some of them live in China
or Hamburg or God knows where.
713
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,240
So we can only do it then.
714
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,960
At some point, it just got out of hand.
715
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,200
We started about 20 years ago.
716
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,200
There were six of us and we did
the Secret Santa at one of our homes.
717
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:21,360
Then over the years,
718
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:26,000
more and more people joined us
and it just grew and grew over time.
719
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:30,200
Then there came a point where no one
wanted to host it at their home anymore.
720
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:33,840
"Man, I can't renovate the floor again.
Last year, it was so bad."
721
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:38,000
And then at some point,
we started to rent a location on the 23rd.
722
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:42,360
To get a tree.
Soon, we had doormen, a schedule
723
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:46,800
and it became a fixed event,
with invitations.
724
00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:49,480
We had teams to decorate the tree
and to take it down.
725
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,240
There were even penalties
if you forgot to bring your Secret Santa.
726
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,200
Then we got really drunk.
727
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:59,880
We got so drunk. And every year, I knew
that Christmas was going to be hell.
728
00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:01,480
I have to try and nurse my drinks.
729
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,480
I had to try and pace myself
with all this alcohol.
730
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:05,920
But I just couldn't do it.
731
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,240
There are people
who drink water in between.
732
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:12,560
They drink water.
What psychos! How do they do it?
733
00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,040
How can you be so in control?
734
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:18,320
After every shot of booze.
"First, some water."
735
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,480
"I always do it like this,
a beer then water."
736
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:23,600
Wow. I always try.
737
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,840
I always think,
"Okay, now I'm gonna drink water. Water."
738
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,240
"Definitely gonna get some water."
739
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:29,520
Then I head to the bar to get some,
"Water, water, water",
740
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,360
but when I'm in front of the bar,
"Beer! Fuck it."
741
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,560
Then…
742
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,920
Then, at some point, we're listening
to Rage Against the Machine
743
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,240
and there's a merry mosh pit.
744
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,040
Then everyone is bouncing around,
745
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,960
everything breaks
and you sometimes end up injured.
746
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,840
There were Christmases
where I sat there with a black eye
747
00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:56,880
and my brother
with a big lump on his forehead.
748
00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:01,160
Sitting opposite our grandmother
at the table and grandma looks and says,
749
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:05,600
"Did you hit each other?
And at Christmas!"
750
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:11,440
And we're like,
"Yeah, we both fell over yesterday."
751
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:25,520
All of us, all my friends,
are always so hungover on Christmas Eve.
752
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:30,800
That's why we made our own version
of a well-known Christmas song.
753
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:42,440
Just like every year
754
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:47,640
It happened once again
755
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:53,400
Knees down on the ground
756
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:57,280
Vomit hanging from my chin
757
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:03,200
I can hardly move
758
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:07,840
Can barely stand the pain
759
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:13,960
Crawling on all fours
760
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,800
The whole way through the house
761
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:23,800
Parents waiting cheerful
762
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:28,720
The goose is fully cooked
763
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:34,720
I'll just keep drinking
764
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:39,600
Until next year
765
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:43,240
You're welcome to use that one.
766
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:50,680
But…
767
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:56,800
Drinking at Christmas is, of course,
only the culmination of the season.
768
00:46:56,880 --> 00:46:59,280
It starts much, much earlier of course.
769
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:02,680
Throughout advent, you have
to get drunk at Christmas markets.
770
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,600
Every moron wants to go with you
to the Christmas market.
771
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:07,400
"We have to go to the Christmas market,
772
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,000
we really have to." Suddenly,
you're stressing about appointments
773
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,440
because everyone wants to go with you
to the Christmas market.
774
00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:14,000
It's like peer pressure.
775
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:17,840
"We've got to do it before Christmas.
Got to go to the markets!"
776
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:21,600
In Cologne, when people say, "C'mon,
we're going to the Christmas market."
777
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:23,520
Then you have to ask, "Which one?"
778
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:26,200
We've got hundreds
of Christmas markets in Cologne.
779
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:29,000
We've got more Christmas markets
than parking spaces in Cologne.
780
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:32,480
And then you have to drink
a lot of mulled wine.
781
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,840
Who actually invented that?
782
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,240
You stand there in the cold
783
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:38,320
with your cup
784
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:41,880
and with the first gulp,
you immediately burn your mouth.
785
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,120
Your tongue is numb,
which isn't a bad thing
786
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,120
because as soon as it cools down
by one degree
787
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:47,840
then it tastes like cold feet.
788
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:52,480
It tastes just like
a hangover feels the next day.
789
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,720
So, slowly,
you have that taste in your mouth.
790
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:58,560
Then I'm standing there already
with this half-cold thing, "Ew".
791
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:02,760
Then after just two seconds,
someone comes from the group and says,
792
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,560
"Another round, yeah? I'll get
another round. Give me your cups."
793
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:09,440
And you're standing there like,
"Fuck. The guy is like a debt collector."
794
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:10,400
"C'mon, c'mon."
795
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:12,440
Because he wants
to get his fucking deposit back.
796
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,360
I once tipped mine into the snow.
797
00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:19,480
It looked like I threw up blood
on the snow, "Everything okay?"
798
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:20,600
"Yeah."
799
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:22,560
Or you have to chug that shit.
800
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:26,000
God didn't intend for mulled wine
to be chugged.
801
00:48:26,080 --> 00:48:28,840
That's why he created it scalding hot.
802
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:32,000
Of course you then get drunk
from mulled wine.
803
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,920
Which is really a disgusting
kind of drunkenness.
804
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,640
I always notice
when I've had too much mulled wine
805
00:48:37,720 --> 00:48:41,920
because I think, "I could go for some
slimy garlic mushrooms right about now."
806
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,240
The rest of the year,
I wouldn't give them the time of day.
807
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:49,120
But at the Christmas market,
"Oh, garlic mushrooms."
808
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:51,320
Right?
809
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,800
Or when you've had enough mulled wine,
then for me I slowly start
810
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:09,200
to think all the crap on the stands
is really cool.
811
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,880
You think it's actually really beautiful.
812
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:14,000
"It's beautiful."
813
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,240
"Wow. It's all made out of felt."
814
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:22,960
Felt. The rest of the year
I couldn't give a toss about felt
815
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:27,200
but at the Christmas market, "Felt. Oh."
816
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:30,920
"Felt shoes too, amazing."
817
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:35,280
Everything is full of knick-knacks.
818
00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:38,120
You buy them and then
they just lay around the house.
819
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:42,920
You think, "Great, I need all of that."
820
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,200
It's like the home shopping channels
back in the day.
821
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:47,560
I don't know how they do it.
822
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,640
Back then, when you switched it on,
you were like,
823
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:51,400
"Hey, no way!"
824
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:55,400
There's no reason in the world
why I would ever
825
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:58,480
need to buy a lint fryer.
826
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:01,680
But then you look at it for ten minutes
and think, "Man, I need that thing."
827
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:04,920
I have to fry my lint. All of it.
828
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:09,000
It's like that at the Christmas market
too, "I need that."
829
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,280
But actually, I really need it.
830
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,040
Decoration from the Christmas market.
831
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:16,760
I have personally depended on it,
if I want everything to be festive.
832
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:18,760
I can't do it myself. Doesn't work.
833
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:22,760
I can look at as much Pinterest as I want,
but it doesn't work.
834
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,320
I know there are people
who can just do it.
835
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:28,240
There are people who,
if you give them just a hot glue gun,
836
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:30,640
a couple of dried leaves
and a bit of material
837
00:50:30,720 --> 00:50:35,800
and they craft, no, they somehow
conjure up floral decorations.
838
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:39,800
You'd think the photographer from
Beautiful Homes will be here in a sec
839
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:42,720
to do an 8-page story for Vogue.
840
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:44,800
Fuck me! What's that about?
841
00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:50,200
The last thing I conjured up from
dried leaves was definitely not legal.
842
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,600
It looks so shit when I decorate.
843
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:58,000
Really. With me,
844
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:02,680
it always looks like a decoration,
which was beautiful, fell off the table.
845
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:05,520
And someone swept it up.
846
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,320
Where people walk by and say,
847
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:10,400
"Hey, Chief you should have
a look at this."
848
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,840
"A candle and a feather.
What happened here?"
849
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,160
Or like Black Stories, do you know that?
850
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:20,520
A candle and a feather lying on the floor.
What happened?
851
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,880
Was there a break-in?
Was there an explosion?
852
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:26,280
No, Caro was doing crafts. Ah, okay. Cool.
853
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:31,360
At some point,
I called my mother and told her.
854
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:35,240
I said, "Mom, I'm hopeless
when it comes to decorating."
855
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,360
My mom was like, "Yeah, that's great."
856
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:38,280
"Huh?"
857
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:41,400
"No, I think it's good that there are
some things you can't do."
858
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:42,320
"Yeah, great."
859
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:43,840
"No, it's a good trait to have."
860
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:47,280
"To be able to say when there is something
you can't do. It's good."
861
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,160
You can't do it too often though
862
00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:53,120
otherwise it sounds like
you're fishing for compliments.
863
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:55,520
Just like in school,
everyone had a friend like
864
00:51:55,600 --> 00:52:00,600
"Oh, God, I definitely gonna get a 'U'.
Oh, what another 'A'?"
865
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:03,200
"Oh, God."
866
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:06,680
That's how I always
get given cookies at Christmas.
867
00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:08,520
I always get given cookies.
868
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,840
Where you can already see,
wow, these are super good cookies.
869
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,280
And you realize
that the person who gave them
870
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:15,800
just wants to hear how good they are.
871
00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:17,480
I always get given them with the sentence
872
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:19,720
"Yes, but this year,
they turned out really bad."
873
00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:23,680
"Turned out really bad." You think?
874
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:28,800
"To whom did you give the cookies
which did turn out well?"
875
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,600
First of all, how can cookies
not turn out well?
876
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:35,560
It's fat and sugar. It's always delicious.
877
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:37,640
You can't combine fat and sugar in a way
878
00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:38,920
that tastes bad.
879
00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:43,560
That's why it's always over the top,
when you bite a cookie and go
880
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:44,880
"Oh, delicious."
881
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:46,200
Yeah, of course it's delicious.
882
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:48,960
It's a cookie.
What else would it be, magnetic?
883
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,000
What did you think?
884
00:52:51,480 --> 00:52:52,320
Cookies!
885
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:04,480
I always take all the cookies I get given,
I get a lot
886
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,760
and put them on a huge plate of cookies.
887
00:53:07,520 --> 00:53:10,360
Then people always ask,
"Did you bake those yourself?"
888
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:12,600
At some point, I started to say, "Yep."
889
00:53:14,720 --> 00:53:16,000
"With my pony."
890
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:20,840
"My pony and I,
we baked all these cookies."
891
00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:24,840
"No problem. Do it every year.
Standard Wednesday people."
892
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,280
The problem is
when you have someone with allergies there
893
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,560
and they ask, "Do they contain nuts?"
894
00:53:31,880 --> 00:53:32,880
"Yeah."
895
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,960
"Yeah, probably not."
896
00:53:39,240 --> 00:53:42,040
"Try one and ask me again in ten minutes…
897
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:44,680
if you're still alive." No, not really.
898
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:49,480
But food is super important
at Christmas, right?
899
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,240
Christmas dinner is the highlight.
900
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:55,280
For everyone it has to be
the best food in the world.
901
00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:56,960
There are only two camps.
902
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,240
The first is
Team Sausage and Potato Salad.
903
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:01,800
The other one is Team Dead Bird.
904
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,720
Goose, duck or turkey.
905
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:08,200
Owls. Whatever else there is.
906
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:10,880
As a kid, I definitely would have been
Team Potato Salad
907
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:13,200
because that's quick to prepare.
908
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:16,200
For kids, it's a fucking chicane.
909
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,680
This bloody long meal. What the hell?
910
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,240
On Christmas,
when you've already been to church,
911
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:25,760
you want presents. Why do you have
to stuff yourself for ages first?
912
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:28,880
Usually pasta and sauce,
or sauce and pasta will do.
913
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:32,320
But at Christmas,
you sit at the table for three hours.
914
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:33,960
We always had leftovers.
915
00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:38,400
Okay, so we didn't call it leftovers.
We said, "raclette." We had raclette.
916
00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:42,640
It was a stroke of genius by my mother,
she didn't have to prepare anything
917
00:54:42,720 --> 00:54:45,000
just tear open packets.
918
00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:49,320
The disadvantage for us as kids was
that it took ages before my dad was full.
919
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:52,040
Because he always said,
"This isn't anything proper."
920
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:53,120
When my father said,
921
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:57,360
"This isn't anything proper",
he meant that it wasn't meat. No meat.
922
00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:00,600
Of course with raclette,
there is only salami, ham, etc.
923
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,200
Not any real meat.
924
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:06,400
As a kid, you're already full up
after half a piece of melted cheese.
925
00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:10,240
You sit there with your hot face
at the table, rocking back and forth,
926
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,080
"When do we get to open presents?"
927
00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:14,600
But you have to wait
until your father is full.
928
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:17,680
You've already waited to open
the 24 doors of the advent calendar.
929
00:55:17,760 --> 00:55:21,640
And now you have to wait for your father
to make 24 pans disappear.
930
00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:34,920
At Christmas,
we always play games after food.
931
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,840
That's become a well-loved tradition
over the last few years.
932
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,320
We always play a game.
933
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,880
It may sound a bit weird today, but…
934
00:55:41,960 --> 00:55:44,120
It's called "Your Mother Top Trumps".
935
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,720
It's a sort of like Top Trumps,
but you just play it with mothers.
936
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,480
You have to outdo each other
937
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:54,520
in terms of weight, hair,
and a number of unsupervised children.
938
00:55:54,600 --> 00:55:58,240
Then you have "Your mom" phrases
and everyone has to decide
939
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:01,840
who has the funniest phrase and
you can use those to out-trump people.
940
00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:04,360
The game in itself
isn't actually that cool.
941
00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:07,200
But my brother and I laughed our asses off
942
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:10,240
about the way our parents
read out these "Your mom" phrases.
943
00:56:10,880 --> 00:56:12,880
Whenever my father read his phrases out,
944
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:16,240
he would look straight at my brother
to see if it was funny.
945
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:19,400
Because sometimes he doesn't get the joke.
946
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,280
He sits there at Christmas and says,
947
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:27,080
"Your mother gets hit more often
than the door of the job center."
948
00:56:29,040 --> 00:56:30,160
"Was it good?"
949
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:32,320
"Good."
950
00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:39,000
My mother didn't really get it either.
951
00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:42,280
She read them
like a dedicated Cologne church wife.
952
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:43,200
She reads like,
953
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:47,440
"Your mom shits on the carpet,
954
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:52,240
sticks pretzel sticks in it
and says the hedgehog lives here now."
955
00:56:54,040 --> 00:56:55,680
It's too much.
956
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:02,800
You aren't at your parents
as often as you used to be.
957
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:05,560
A couple of years ago though,
958
00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:10,000
I was living at my parents for a bit,
due to a "situation". And…
959
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:13,400
I was terrified about it
960
00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:16,120
because I thought we're gonna
bash our heads in, it will be horrible.
961
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:19,360
It was actually a wonderful time.
It was great.
962
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:22,880
We spent a lot of time drawing,
we had breakfast together.
963
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:26,920
You sit in the same place
you always sat at as a child.
964
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:29,120
There were five different types
of sausage.
965
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,080
Sometimes I just opened the fridge
just to count all the sausages.
966
00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:35,400
None of them were off,
none of them had furled up. Nothing.
967
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:39,560
That in itself was so fascinating.
968
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:48,560
All of my things were washed,
ironed and sewed up.
969
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,760
All of my tops have a hole here.
That's just how it is.
970
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:56,560
I just can't wait for someone
to hand me a pair of scissors
971
00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:57,800
when the label starts to itch.
972
00:57:57,880 --> 00:57:59,600
At some point, I lose my shit
973
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:02,920
and then I've ripped everything to shreds.
974
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,800
And my mother sewed everything up.
975
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:09,080
But there were also moments
when I realized,
976
00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:10,960
"Ah, yes."
977
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:14,240
"We've really left them alone
for a long time."
978
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:18,080
For example, at one point,
I wanted to take a bath.
979
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:21,240
So I was on the first floor
and I had just run the bath water.
980
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:27,640
My mother heard that from downstairs
and ran up, screaming on the way,
981
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:32,440
"Do you want to take a bath? Do you want
to take a bath? Sorry, you can't."
982
00:58:32,520 --> 00:58:34,240
And I was like, "Eh? Why not?"
983
00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:36,120
And she came inside,
"Yeah, you can't do that."
984
00:58:36,200 --> 00:58:39,240
"You can't take a bath.
The water's too cold for that."
985
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:40,760
"Your dad set it up that way."
986
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,320
"You can only shower,
you can't take a bath."
987
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,600
And I have to say that
988
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:49,960
I was totally confused
989
00:58:50,040 --> 00:58:53,000
because a couple of years earlier,
990
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:55,680
my parents had switched
to geothermal energy.
991
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:59,520
They paid so much money
for this geothermal heating.
992
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:02,040
My dad had worked it out,
he'd done the math.
993
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:04,240
As soon as my parents turned 90,
994
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:07,120
then it would finally pay off.
995
00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:10,880
I even remember how it was built.
A bore drill arrived.
996
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:14,400
I thought they're gonna drill
for dinosaurs. What the hell?
997
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:17,440
They drilled a hole
in my parent's front garden.
998
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:20,000
I'm no expert on geology or heating
999
00:59:20,080 --> 00:59:21,600
but the way I understood geothermal
1000
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:24,120
is that they drill
through to the Earth's fucking core.
1001
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:28,240
To me, geothermal heating means
my parents have a lava-flat rate.
1002
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:32,560
The water is literally boiling
at their place all the time.
1003
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,640
Why the fuck shouldn't you use it?
1004
00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:39,680
No, my father found out
that you can save a few cents
1005
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:42,040
if you turn it down a little bit.
1006
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:44,000
And I was astounded.
1007
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:46,680
I stood in front of my mother
and said, "Wait a second."
1008
00:59:46,760 --> 00:59:49,080
"But you really like having a bath."
1009
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:52,320
"You can't take a bath?
But you love baths!"
1010
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:54,720
My mother is the queen of bath water.
1011
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:57,880
Really, when I was a child,
she was always taking baths.
1012
00:59:57,960 --> 00:59:58,960
And she said,
1013
00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:03,720
"Well, when I want a bath,
I get the pasta pot, the big one."
1014
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:06,400
"Then I boil some water."
1015
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:11,840
I go, "And then you walk up the fucking
stairs with a pot of boiling water?"
1016
01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,200
"You take baths
like they did during the war?"
1017
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:18,200
What kind of weird situation is that?
1018
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:20,480
"You can't. Your dad set it up like that."
1019
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:22,800
And then, my dad hears our conversation.
1020
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,160
I hear him shout,
1021
01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:27,240
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine,
I'll adjust it, then!" But angrily.
1022
01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:29,920
And I go, "Why is he angry?"
1023
01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:35,560
And with whom? With us? With himself?
With the heating, the lava? No idea.
1024
01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:37,680
That's so mad.
1025
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:41,480
You think, "Wow, my parents are so weird."
1026
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:43,360
"I love them, but they're weird."
1027
01:00:43,440 --> 01:00:47,240
I find it so funny. But as a teenager,
it's super embarrassing.
1028
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:52,840
All of your own family make you think,
"Oh, God. You're all so strange."
1029
01:00:53,360 --> 01:00:55,200
As you get older, you think,
1030
01:00:55,280 --> 01:00:58,480
"My God. You're so strange."
1031
01:01:00,120 --> 01:01:04,080
"You're freaks, but you're my freaks.
Somehow, it's cool."
1032
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:09,360
That's why there are weird traditions
in every family.
1033
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:11,520
But with us, for example, it's like this.
1034
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:15,720
When we set up the nativity, it gets
put together on the 6th of December.
1035
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:20,040
Then it stands there,
with crib in the stable.
1036
01:01:20,120 --> 01:01:24,080
But for us, Jesus isn't born yet.
1037
01:01:24,160 --> 01:01:28,240
Because, of course, it isn't quite
the 24th, yet. We're very logical.
1038
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:33,880
That's why until he is born,
Jesus lies behind the crib.
1039
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:41,520
Other babies lie in the womb but he is
just in the back of a dusty cupboard.
1040
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:46,240
And at some point,
the inevitable happened.
1041
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:48,120
Jesus was gone.
1042
01:01:48,760 --> 01:01:52,000
Jesus was gone.
Don't know if the cat ate him or what.
1043
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:55,800
Or if we had hoovered him up?
Oh! He's with grandma in heaven.
1044
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:57,840
No idea where he went.
1045
01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:00,440
Anyway, we, of course, had to replace him.
1046
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:02,520
I mean you can't have
an empty crib on Christmas.
1047
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:04,640
How creepy would that be?
1048
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:06,480
Someone has to be Jesus!
1049
01:02:06,560 --> 01:02:09,280
And then we started putting
toy figures in there.
1050
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:11,280
One year, we had
a Playmobil construction worker.
1051
01:02:12,800 --> 01:02:16,520
Really cool. He had a mustache
and a shovel in his hand.
1052
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:19,680
Then, one year, I had Polly Pocket,
I managed to get that one through.
1053
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,840
More diversity in the Jesus sector.
1054
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:27,600
Then a Happy Hippo from a Kinder egg.
That was also good.
1055
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,360
Then, at some point,
we landed by super heroes.
1056
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:31,960
I mean it's hard to follow
in Jesus's footsteps.
1057
01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:33,960
You've got to have something to offer.
1058
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:36,080
It was definitely a job for Batman.
1059
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,280
Batman was Jesus for three years.
1060
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:42,000
I mean c'mon. Gotham, Bethlehem,
what's the difference?
1061
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:47,040
And that's somehow more
in the spirit of Jesus, this variety.
1062
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:51,520
Anyone can spread Jesus's message.
The message of love.
1063
01:02:51,600 --> 01:02:54,800
Why not Batman?
And for me, that is Christmas.
1064
01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,520
Not these old stories from the Bible,
1065
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:01,600
but what you experience
with your friends and your freaks at home.
1066
01:03:01,680 --> 01:03:05,280
Everyone has their own, special moment.
1067
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:07,040
Christmas is different for everyone.
1068
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:11,240
Never mind if you drink yourself
under the table at Christmas.
1069
01:03:11,320 --> 01:03:14,280
Or if you give your kids
cheap Barbies from Poland as presents.
1070
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:18,280
Or if a brown hedgehog lives
in your home on the carpet.
1071
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:23,160
For me, it's only Christmas
when Batman is lying in the crib.
1072
01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:30,960
Silent night
1073
01:03:31,480 --> 01:03:33,640
Holy night
1074
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:39,320
Batman laughs at God's Son
1075
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:44,760
Jesus lies somewhere behind the cupboard
1076
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:49,880
Where no one ever found him again
1077
01:03:49,960 --> 01:03:55,240
Batman the savior is here
1078
01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:58,840
Batman the savior is here
1079
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:03,120
Silent night
1080
01:04:03,200 --> 01:04:05,720
Holy night
1081
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:11,240
Homemade cookies
1082
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:16,440
In the cupboard some crap made of felt
1083
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:22,120
Your breath stinks of garlic mushrooms
1084
01:04:22,200 --> 01:04:27,440
Just keep your mouth closed
1085
01:04:27,520 --> 01:04:31,200
Keep your mouth closed
1086
01:04:34,360 --> 01:04:37,440
Merry Christmas!
That's it folks. Get home safe!
1087
01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:42,560
Thank you for coming,
enjoy the festivities!
1088
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,880
Gift yourself something nice!
1089
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:48,080
Drink something proper!
1090
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,280
Silent night
1091
01:04:56,840 --> 01:04:58,800
Holy night
1092
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:04,520
I hope you all had fun
1093
01:05:04,600 --> 01:05:09,640
Now go out and have a great time
1094
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:15,000
Remember that baby Jesus
Can see everything
1095
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:20,640
Folks, the show is over
1096
01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:24,600
I'm gonna ride my pony home
1097
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:28,560
Merry Christmas!
1098
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:31,120
Thank you!