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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[bell ringing]
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["Deck the Halls" playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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{\an8}A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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[groans]
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[audience clapping and cheering]
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Thank you so much!
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Guys!
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Welcome!
Nice to have you all here with us.
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Especially in the middle
of the Christmas season.
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I'll give you credit for that.
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You could have now been, uh,
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at some Christmas party
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lying in your own vomit. But no,
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you came to see me in church instead.
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Peace be with you.
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Isn't that…?
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[audience clapping and cheering]
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I think this period before Christmas
is a special time of year, right?
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A very special, a unique mix of
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reflection and antisocial stress.
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A sort of reflective stress.
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But you're the one doing this to yourself.
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Because you always have the feeling,
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"I need to finish everything
before Christmas. I have to get it done."
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"No, that has to be done before Christmas.
It's got to be finished."
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The personal to-do lists
but also the personal conflicts.
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They have to be sorted out
before Christmas.
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As if the world is going to end
after Christmas.
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Got to be done.
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My uncle is a tradesman.
He always gets asked,
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"Can you do our bathroom?
But we want it done before Christmas."
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He always says, "Yeah, of course,
before Christmas. Just not this year."
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[audience laughing]
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But it is a special time of year
and a joyful anticipation, right?
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And to draw out this anticipation,
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there are Advent calendars, right?
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So that you can freak out a little
every day instead of all at once.
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So you can have it little by little.
Of course, these days there are
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a ridiculous number of Advent calendars.
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Do any of you do handicrafts?
Have you ever made one?
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There are people who make them in August.
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But they keep it to themselves.
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Just before Christmas they'll say, "I made
some for the whole family, of course."
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For the children
and then for the parents and the dog.
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Where you think,
"What kind of psychopaths are you?"
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Which I can understand…
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Ah, someone's got their hand up already.
Exactly. [chuckles]
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Which I can understand if your partner
is kind of sweet.
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You do that, at least in the first year
of the relationship.
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[audience laughing]
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But usually you find
that for the first seven doors,
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you have really good ideas, right?
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Then you're like,
"I'm really a great girlfriend."
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"I have super creative ideas."
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But after the seventh door,
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then it gets tough. [chuckling]
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Then you think, "Yeah."
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"Sod it, another Hanuta chocolate wafer."
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[audience laughing]
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"And another one!"
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Oh, he has a hazelnut allergy.
"Meh, another one!"
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I once had a boyfriend.
I think I was 16 at the time.
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I made my then-boyfriend
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an Advent calendar from sandwich bags.
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And in some bags,
there were letters inside,
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and when you put them together,
it spelled "I love you."
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[audience] Aw…
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Yes. I was super sweet. [chuckles]
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But also very, very dumb.
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Because there were two problems.
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First problem.
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After "I lov…"
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It's pretty obvious where that's going.
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I mean, what else could come afterwards?
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I lo…unge on the sofa?
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I'll deliver pizza.
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I lo…ng to get my belly button pierced.
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And the second problem was
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I noticed on the 9th of December
that, nah…
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This guy is not the one.
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[audience laughing]
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That was a problem,
and at 16 it happens fast, right?
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The transition from,
"Oh, my God, I'm so in love!"
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to, "Eww, who's that?"
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is seamless.
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And so, after "I love,"
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I simply put
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"Christmas."
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[audience laughing]
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[chuckling] His present said…
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-[audience clapping]
-…"I love Christmas."
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Yeah.
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Yeah, why? I always wanted to say it.
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Oh yeah, and it's over. [laughing]
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That's a 16-year-old's breakup for you.
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You couldn't send a text,
but I didn't even answer his calls.
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"I dumped him," you'd say now.
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I heard recently
it's now called "dumping."
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You don't break up anymore.
You "dump" someone.
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It sounds so cool, right?
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"Dumped."
Sounds like you put the guy in a basket,
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and then just like
in Little Red Riding Hood,
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put a plaid napkin on top,
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and then dump him off at his mother's.
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No, that was not what I'd imagined.
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I recently read
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that Advent calendars are just like
a normal calendar. A tool for counting.
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And in the past,
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your Advent calendar
would be just a bunch of chalk lines.
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Twenty-four chalk lines drawn on the wall,
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and the children were allowed
to wipe one away every day. [chuckles]
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That was the Advent calendar.
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Wow! [chuckles]
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The children must have leapt out
of their feather bed full of anticipation
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at 5 a.m. before heading out
to dig up the frozen field.
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Can you imagine that happening today?
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With these spoiled little brats.
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"Mom, what kind of Advent calendar
do I have this year?"
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"Apple? Playmobil?"
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"No, my son, this year we have
something very special for you."
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"You're allowed to wipe a line
off the wall every day."
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-"Enjoy. Enjoy." [chuckling]
-[audience clapping and cheering]
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Eh!
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"Can I at least keep the sponge, mom?"
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"No." [chuckles]
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"And while you're at it,
you can also do the kitchen floor."
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But at least we had
better Advent calendars, right?
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When we were kids,
we had really cool ones.
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I mean, there weren't
these dumb ones with pictures.
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I know a friend of mine just had
one with pictures. Poor thing.
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But we had the ones with chocolate. Wow!
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Every day a little chocolate inside.
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For me it somehow got etched in my mind,
"This is the best chocolate in the world."
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The very best.
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Today, I know. No.
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That was the most disgusting chocolate
in the world, right?
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Hey, if you try that again today,
then you'll think, "Eww!"
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"That tastes like an exhaust pipe."
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[audience laughing]
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"That tastes as if someone's
left the wrapper on."
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Like, "Eww, why…"
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And I think that it only tasted
so good for us as kids
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because you were never allowed chocolate.
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I mean, your taste buds
weren't very well-developed.
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Of course it tasted like shit.
There was petroleum inside, right?
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That was inside
those little plastic molds, of course.
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Petroleum. You get high from it, right?
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Almost the same as sniffing glue,
eating petroleum.
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You could say that children
used to run on fossil fuels.
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Today, you have everything
as an Advent calendar, right?
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There are Advent calendars with socks.
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With Lego, Playmobil, with jewelry.
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Cosmetics. They're actually pretty good.
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With perfume, with puppies, dinosaurs,
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and… with sex toys.
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-[man] Whoo!
-You know these with… Oh yes.
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Ah, you know this? All right then.
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You pretty much get a sex toy every day
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behind the door. But I always think,
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"Is that really that cool?"
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When you wake up
first thing in the morning
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and open your eyes, drool on the pillow
with that disgusting morning breath.
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And the first thing you do,
"I'll open up this door
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and see what I should indulge
my body with today."
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Mmm.
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And on Saint Nicholas Day,
it's a butt plug.
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Yeah, on Saint Nicholas Day,
there's always something big inside.
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With a sex toy Advent calendar,
you get scared
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because you've seen that thing
since December 1st.
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"Oh God. What is that?"
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And the best thing is you know
that everyone who bought this calendar
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is going to stick this thing
in themselves tonight.
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[Carolin chuckling]
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Great experience.
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Good, not everyone. Those who already
know the calendar wait for the lube.
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That comes first at door number eight.
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[laughs]
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And when you have got
so many Advent calendars in a family,
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then you have to be careful
not to get them mixed up.
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Otherwise you end up with,
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"Hey, baby, but that dildo
from door number eight, huh?"
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"Hey, sorry, but somehow it hurts."
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"Yeah, baby, that's the T. rex
from the children's Advent calendar."
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"Ah, okay, okay.
Then I'll just give it back to them."
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Somehow these sex toy calendars
are totally stuffy to me.
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I don't know why.
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Perhaps it is something
for somewhat prudish people.
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For people who are basically prudish
but who are also responsible.
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But people who say,
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"Usually, I don't like
shoving big objects inside me."
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"But, well, that was here
inside the calendar."
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"We bought it. We paid for it."
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"And today is Saint Nicholas Day,
and we have to celebrate."
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"It has to be done."
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It's not my thing. But I have a friend,
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and she's been longing for her boyfriend
to gift her such a calendar.
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She won't buy it herself.
It has to be a gift.
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She thinks it's great. And one Christmas,
he came home and said,
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"Baby, I've got you
a very special Advent calendar."
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And she was like, "Hell, yes."
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And he said, "It's just the thing
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to add a little variety
to our relationship
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and a bit of oomph into our lives."
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That'd be the reason for me
to break up with someone
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if someone starts to talk about "oomph."
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"I would like a bit of oomph in our--"
Thank you. That's it for me now.
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And then she began to wonder,
"God, what did he get me?"
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"What is it? Get it out."
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"Is it something with knots?
Is it whips, ball bearings?"
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And he gets the thing out.
An Advent calendar
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with tea.
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[audience laughing and clapping]
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Yes. Also exciting.
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Very exciting.
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"Mmm. Ah."
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"They're wild mixtures."
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[gasps, moans]
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00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,200
"Crazy lemon balm peppermint."
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00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:14,040
"Ah, five minutes' brew time?
Yes, let me brew for five minutes, yes."
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"Oh, calming tea."
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"Oh my God, yes.
Do me with Earl Grey. Do me, Earl."
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"Earl Grey"? He must have been
the dullest guy ever.
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One Shade of Grey.
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And my friend is like, "Great."
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"Everyone is fucking
their brains out at Christmas,
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and all I get to hang in my cup
is a bag of chamomile tea."
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"Yep, looks like the T. rex
needs to go back in."
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But it's always a bit difficult
with Christmas and relationships.
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There are lots of problems that can arise.
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They say Christmas
is a celebration of love.
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Atheists in particular say that
so that they can celebrate it too.
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And I can probably speak about this
from experience.
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I went through a Christmas
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where I was dumped on Christmas Eve.
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[audience] Aw…
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[Carolin] Yeah. [chuckles]
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That was…
yeah, that was… [clears throat] …hard.
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For 20 minutes, I managed to act
as if nothing had happened.
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But then I broke down sobbing
under the tree. And that was disaster.
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Maybe some of you get it.
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That's worst-case scenario
for a family who, Christmas or not,
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don't speak about emotions.
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My family was completely overwhelmed.
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[mumbling]
248
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,640
My brother got up and said,
249
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,600
"Okay, I'm going to the kitchen
to make everyone a Moscow mule."
250
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,440
That was the only rational thing
that happened.
251
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,240
My father stood in front of me.
He knew he had to do something.
252
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,200
Stood in front of me, looked at me,
253
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,360
lashed out and hit me
really hard in the side and said,
254
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,920
"Now c'mon!
You're usually such a strong woman."
255
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,800
He might as well have hit
a five-year-old and said,
256
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,640
"Now explain to me the theory
of relativity. You are usually so clever!"
257
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,240
And then I was already really like,
"What is happening?"
258
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,960
And then my mother got up,
and I'm thinking,
259
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,720
"Finally! She knows what to do.
She understands my emotions."
260
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,240
My mother gets up, goes to the piano.
261
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,240
And either due to a subconscious impulse
or because she wants to lighten the mood,
262
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,400
she plays the only song
she knows by heart.
263
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,080
And it was "My Heart Will Go On."
264
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,560
-[audience laughing and clapping]
-Hey!
265
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,000
[laughs, splutters]
266
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,800
"Are you fucking serious?"
267
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,360
Okay, she's comparing my love life
to the Titanic sinking.
268
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,280
Yeah, how fitting, of course.
269
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,800
And I was lying there under this tree
like, "Are you all kidding me?"
270
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:05,840
I cried into the tree.
My sobs flooded the house.
271
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,280
It was so bad.
272
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,760
And on therapeutic advice,
273
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,640
I have tried to process
this terrible situation with a song.
274
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,560
[sad piano music playing]
275
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:26,600
♪ Oh, you sad one ♪
276
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,800
♪ Oh, you agonizing ♪
277
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:37,880
♪ Tearful Christmastime ♪
278
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,160
♪ Boyfriend is lost ♪
279
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,600
♪ He's found someone else ♪
280
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:51,720
♪ And so I cry, how I cry ♪
281
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,880
♪ Oh, what woe ♪
282
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,760
♪ Oh, you sad one ♪
283
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:05,080
♪ Oh, you agonizing ♪
284
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:12,160
♪ Tearful Christmastime ♪
285
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:18,000
♪ Mama plays the piano ♪
286
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,760
♪ Papa hit me here ♪
287
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,200
♪ So I cry ♪
288
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:29,520
♪ How I cry, oh, what woe ♪
289
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,000
-[music ends]
-[audience clapping]
290
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,280
Thank you very much.
291
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:42,880
Thank you very much.
292
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,080
I'm feeling better already.
293
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,040
But in that moment, I thought, "My God."
294
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,600
While thinking back to the Christmases
I had as a child.
295
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,120
Because as a kid,
Christmas is always wonderful, right?
296
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,840
You're always happy.
It's always really great.
297
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,280
But let's not kid ourselves.
298
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:06,040
As a kid, the most important thing
about Christmas is the presents, right?
299
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:10,760
I know that sounds a bit immoral,
but if you'd have asked me as a kid,
300
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,280
"What's more important
to you at Christmas?"
301
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:19,160
"That God sacrificed his son
for you and all people in the world?"
302
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,800
"Or the new Game Boy?"
303
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,320
It may surprise you to hear
304
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,360
that I said,
305
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,320
"Um, the Game Boy, please."
306
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,600
Yeah, I'm sorry, but what kind
of a present is sacrificing your son?
307
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,040
No, thanks, man! Are you crazy?
308
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:46,400
That's way too abstract for a child.
That you tell that to children, right?
309
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
Dear God sacrificed his son for you.
310
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:54,280
Dude! For me, that's insane.
311
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,600
That wasn't at all necessary.
I don't even know the guy.
312
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,680
It's not the least bit gruesome, is it?
That Dear God let his son die.
313
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:08,000
First, he banishes him
from heaven to some shabby planet
314
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,720
where there's just floods,
earthquakes and brussels sprouts.
315
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,720
And as if that wasn't enough,
he lets him get crucified.
316
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,160
As a child you're like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
317
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,520
"And that's Dear God."
318
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:23,480
"Okay, right then,
I'll pray to him, sounds cool."
319
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,560
[audience clapping]
320
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:26,720
[chuckles]
321
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:29,680
Yeah!
322
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,600
Presents are the most important thing,
323
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,040
and that's why the wish lists
from me and my brother
324
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,640
got longer and longer every Christmas.
325
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,120
Not because we were materialistic pigs,
who couldn't get enough,
326
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,280
but because we never got
exactly what we wished for.
327
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,280
Instead, it was always something
that was similar.
328
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:57,880
So toys from the flea market,
toys other kids have already played with.
329
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,880
Today we call that
super sustainable. Really.
330
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,600
But as a kid,
you think, "Fuck sustainability."
331
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:04,520
[audience laughing]
332
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:09,040
As a kid, you want the original Barbie
from the fucking pink box.
333
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:13,080
And not a Polish copy that someone
has drawn pubes on with a Sharpie.
334
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,640
Not even wax strips will get that off.
335
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,720
And that's why we started writing
336
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,960
very exact descriptions
of the presents on our wish lists,
337
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,040
because we thought,
"This baby Jesus is a bit dumb."
338
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:32,160
We have to give an exact description.
So we didn't just write "Barbie"
339
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,800
but "the original Barbie from Mattel."
340
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:39,160
"Original packaging. Pink box.
Must be sealed."
341
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,000
Once, I took
one of those Christmas catalogs
342
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:46,880
you get in the mail
343
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,760
and cut out the things
and glued them on the wish list.
344
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,960
If we had had the Internet,
345
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:56,480
I would've added everything
to my parents' basket and ordered.
346
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,800
If mother had asked,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
347
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,400
"It's coming. They'll ring in a minute.
It's sorted. It's gonna be delivered."
348
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,280
-[audience clapping]
-[chuckles]
349
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,480
Yeah, okay. So maybe I wished
for a few unrealistic things.
350
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,520
I know that now.
351
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:20,200
For example, every year I asked
for a pony until I was 17.
352
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,560
Yeah, and I still know
how absurd it felt for me as a kid
353
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,120
that I never got one.
354
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,760
I just couldn't understand why.
355
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,960
I thought, "Why can't I have a pony?"
356
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,520
We have a garden.
So the pony can graze there.
357
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,120
We have a garden shed.
358
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,120
We can put the lawnmower in the garage,
and then the pony could live there.
359
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,040
"Why not?"
360
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:43,600
But I didn't get one.
361
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,200
And I remember that at some point
before Christmas, my brother said to me,
362
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,320
"I know what you're gonna get."
363
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,280
Straightaway I was like…
[gasps] …"A pony?"
364
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,640
"Okay, don't say it."
365
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,680
"How big is it?"
366
00:20:58,760 --> 00:20:59,840
And he was like,
367
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:00,960
"It's this big."
368
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,480
I was like, "Oh. How does it feel?"
369
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,680
And he was like, "Very soft."
370
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,360
I was like, "Oh my God,
I'm getting a pony. Oh my God!"
371
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,960
I really fell asleep every night
with tears in my eyes.
372
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,880
I thought up until Christmas
that I was gonna get a pony.
373
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,760
And what I got for a present was
374
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,160
bedsheets.
375
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,360
With a pony print.
376
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,520
My brother was
a lousy, mean little sadist.
377
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,440
I may have wanted to suffocate him
with the bedsheet.
378
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,680
I may have even tried that,
but I'm not allowed to talk about it.
379
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,840
I really did wish for a pony. Really.
380
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,800
And that's why I was obsessed with it.
381
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,760
I imagined it, pictured it,
my life with a pony.
382
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,520
And maybe every now and then,
I'd tell a few people about it.
383
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,120
[audience laughing]
384
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,880
Just mention that I had a pony.
385
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,560
As a child I didn't take the truth
too seriously anyway.
386
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,760
Just tried it. And when you tell
other kids you have your own horse,
387
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,640
well, that makes you very popular.
388
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,080
They freaked out of course, "What?"
And I thought that was great.
389
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,880
But I figured out it was best
390
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,920
to only con the kids who didn't come
to play at my house after school.
391
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:21,440
So I realized it's best to tell that
to the children from my ballet lessons.
392
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,800
And there I could really lay it on thick.
393
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,440
I told them the best stories.
394
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,280
I thought up a beautiful coat color
for the pony, a beautiful name.
395
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:33,440
I took it to tournaments.
396
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,760
This pony could do tricks.
397
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,960
The girls went crazy.
398
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:42,840
They followed me around.
They worshipped the ground I stood on.
399
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,240
Especially the ones
who also went horse riding.
400
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,640
They knew what that meant,
to own your own horse.
401
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,280
For them I was Bibi and Tina
rolled into one.
402
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,240
And I remember on one afternoon,
I had been laying it on really thick.
403
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,200
"That's what it's like with my pony."
All the girls were like, "Oh my God!"
404
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,440
I had a right little entourage behind me.
405
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,680
We came out of the ballet hall.
All the kids were being picked up,
406
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,400
and one girl ran right up to her mother,
407
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:11,800
"Mom, Mom, did you know Caro has a pony?"
408
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,880
And the mother said to me,
"Really, you have a pony?"
409
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:20,200
And I felt so sure, I was like,
"Yeah, man, that's right. I have a pony."
410
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,280
And she was like,
"Awesome! Is it here in Cologne?"
411
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,440
"Yeah, of course."
412
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,920
"Yeah, where is it then?"
413
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,080
And I looked around the parking lot,
414
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,880
and above the trees
I saw the roof of a hall.
415
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,160
"There. There's my pony." And she said,
416
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:39,120
"Really, your horse is there?"
I was like, "Yep, yep, yep."
417
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,160
And she was like, "Well, that's weird
because that's a tennis court."
418
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,600
And I was like,
"Mmm, the pony also plays tennis!"
419
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,400
…also plays tennis.
420
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:52,680
[audience clapping]
421
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:53,600
Eh…
422
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,040
[laughs]
423
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,120
Spoiler alert, I never got a pony.
424
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,560
I had it pretty tough as a child.
425
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,200
But not when I was the one
giving presents.
426
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,200
If you are giving presents as a kid,
427
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,200
then you have it pretty easy, right?
428
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,600
As a child, you can give
any shit as a present,
429
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,280
and your parents will go wild.
430
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,840
Really. You can fold a piece of paper
and gift it to your mother.
431
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,640
"Oh, that's so beautifully folded.
Beautiful!"
432
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,000
You don't even really have
to make an effort.
433
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:29,560
You paint a shitty picture of the family
where they all look like blow-up aliens.
434
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,160
And they're like, "Ah, it's beautiful!"
435
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,720
But I was too lazy to paint.
436
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,920
So instead I made gift vouchers.
437
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:43,720
But in the beginning, I didn't think
about the time and effort for the gift.
438
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,280
My first voucher was,
439
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,760
"One year's help with the housework."
440
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,000
[audience laughing]
441
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,600
Yeah. My mother laughed a lot.
442
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:58,880
And after one day I said,
"Ah. Ah, I have made a mistake."
443
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,280
And then I worked my way down
to something more realistic. [chuckles]
444
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,520
And then I gave a voucher which said,
"Will be nice for a day."
445
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,280
Actually, I said,
"Will be 'nic' for a day."
446
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:12,360
The "E" was missing.
447
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:16,080
That was also found in the box,
"Will be nic for one day." Should do.
448
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,000
But when you think about it,
it could also be interpreted as,
449
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,880
"Hello, Mom,
I will be nice for one day a year."
450
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:27,080
That means for the other 364 days a year,
I won't be.
451
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:31,120
But in leap years, it'll be 365 days.
452
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,520
That wasn't a present.
That was effectively blackmail.
453
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,200
But mothers are not too fussy.
454
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,160
You can give them any voucher
as a present.
455
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,480
They think everything is great.
456
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,640
I think that's a kind of self-protection.
457
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,600
That you're always happy.
458
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,200
All mothers say, "Thanks,
that's so nice of you. So unnecessary."
459
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,480
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I really think it's self-protection,
460
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,320
because there's an issue
we tend to ignore.
461
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,200
Yeah, due to a certain reluctance.
462
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,280
There's a thing called
463
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,480
"the gender present gap."
464
00:25:58,560 --> 00:25:59,920
Yeah? Gender pay gap.
465
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,320
We all know about that. Women get paid
less than men for the same work.
466
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:08,360
But women still get fewer presents.
467
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,720
Men and children get the best presents
in the world for Christmas.
468
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:16,080
Why? Because women
have been thinking about it since July.
469
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,240
They write out lists.
They have notes on their phone.
470
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,560
That's why kids and men
get such cool presents
471
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,840
like a telescope or a bungee rope.
472
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:28,040
Or a knife-sharpening course or something.
473
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:32,440
And women get almost nothing. When women
get something, it's something practical.
474
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,080
Like a vacuum cleaner attachment.
475
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,840
That's what Mommy gets,
a vacuum cleaner attachment.
476
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:40,080
Not even kidding.
A friend of mine got that as a present.
477
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,880
I think that there are certain things
that don't belong in wrapping paper.
478
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,040
And one of those is
a vacuum cleaner attachment.
479
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:50,200
Yeah, but it's mega-ergonomic
and super practical.
480
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,840
God! Toilet paper is also super practical,
481
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:54,720
but I don't give that
as a Christmas present.
482
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,040
A vacuum cleaner--
483
00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,680
Women just get practical things,
if anything.
484
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:04,680
Please ask a woman you know, a mother
485
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:08,040
or family manager,
what they got for Christmas last year.
486
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,360
I bet you'll hear something like, "Um,
487
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:14,400
well, let me think.
My little one painted me a beer mat."
488
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,280
"And in the post,
489
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:21,600
um, I received a bottle opener
from our bank's customer service."
490
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,440
Oh, man, that really is something.
491
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,520
That's just great.
492
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,360
Meh.
493
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,640
That is a crying injustice.
494
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,160
Most of the women I know
495
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,520
would have deserved
a shopping cart full of presents.
496
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:45,000
They are, after all, the producers
of the whole Christmas thing, right?
497
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,960
Except that in comparison
to film producers,
498
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,000
they don't take all the money home.
499
00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,080
[audience clapping]
500
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:52,000
Yeah.
501
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,720
They produce Christmas.
502
00:27:55,800 --> 00:28:01,160
If there was an Oscar award ceremony
for Christmas, Christmas festivities,
503
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,320
then every woman would be thanked.
504
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,280
"Thank you. Without you,
it wouldn't have been possible, Margaret."
505
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:08,880
Because they do everything.
506
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,880
They don't just make sure
that everyone gets presents.
507
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:16,000
Without the women, half the family
wouldn't know that Christmas is happening.
508
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:20,080
Because they also tell everyone where,
how, and when it will be celebrated.
509
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:25,520
I have a friend who has her own business
as well as three kids.
510
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:30,160
I saw on her to-do list a point,
"organize Christmas." It was one point.
511
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,840
One point on her fucking list.
"Yeah, I'll do it on the side, fuck it."
512
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,040
Women take care of everything.
The party, the decorations, the food.
513
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:41,400
Meanwhile they also have to worry
about keeping peace in the family.
514
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,440
Without them, relatives would fight,
515
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,600
probably an uncle
with a cousin or something.
516
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:51,360
Without anyone realizing it, they prevent
fistfights by handing out schnapps.
517
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,920
All the while looking like a bombshell.
518
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,840
And the greatest unrecognized
achievement is, of course,
519
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,320
that whole time they have to act
520
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,440
like it's no problem whatsoever.
521
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,720
Actually the highlight of Christmas
shouldn't be the present-giving
522
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,640
but honoring the woman of the house.
523
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,040
But that's not the case,
and if these women dare to say,
524
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:16,440
"Oh, guys, it's too stressful
for me right now. It's too much."
525
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,360
"Oh, Mom!" [groans]
526
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,000
"She's going crazy."
527
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:25,400
"Just chill. Relax for goodness' sake.
It's Christmas!"
528
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:30,640
Whatever. Perhaps it's our own fault,
us girls, because
529
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:34,800
before Christmas, often we say,
with a tinge of panic,
530
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,280
we say things like,
531
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,720
"Hey, you, this year, let's not give
each other presents, right?"
532
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,400
We won't exchange presents.
That sounds easy at first,
533
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:50,560
but the problem is with
these different definitions of nothing.
534
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,240
What does nothing mean exactly
in this sentence?
535
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:59,120
-The fact is, for men, "nothing" means…
-[male audience] Nothing.
536
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:00,160
Nothing. [chuckles]
537
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:06,800
Nothing as in nothing. Nothing whatsoever.
538
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,720
And for women nothing is… "Nothing?"
539
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:14,160
"Uh, apart from a little something."
540
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,400
"Well, nothing big,
541
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:21,680
maybe a little something
that expresses your eternal love for me
542
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,440
and that will maybe bring
a tear to my eye as I unwrap it."
543
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,480
"But that's nothing."
544
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,800
That's a different definition.
545
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:37,280
Whatever. Perhaps it's just logical
that there's this gender present gap.
546
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,800
Because the church
has a long tradition of misogyny,
547
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,280
and Christmas
is all about traditions, right?
548
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,120
So it's just a natural consequence.
549
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:49,680
It started with the fact that
the Catholics invented the perfect family
550
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,040
with no women whatsoever.
551
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,760
Right?
The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit.
552
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:59,960
Three boys. Doesn't sound
particularly Catholic at first, right?
553
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,480
It's just an apartment share,
nothing sexual.
554
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,280
But at least there are
no women to bother us.
555
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,240
Of course, in the history of Catholicism,
there are a few women,
556
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,240
but unfortunately,
they're all lousy characters.
557
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,960
It all started with Eve.
She got us into deep shit.
558
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:22,040
Ate the apple.
Got us all thrown out of paradise.
559
00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:26,680
You could also say,
"Hey, Eve was canny. She was curious."
560
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,680
"She looks beyond her nose.
She wasn't a yes-woman."
561
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,280
"She was inquisitive."
562
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:35,160
And as far as I am aware,
Adam also took a bite of the apple.
563
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:36,360
With him it wasn't a problem.
564
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:39,920
Yeah, okay so they both got punished
by being thrown out of paradise,
565
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:43,680
but it was Eve who was punished
with the original sin, right?
566
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:48,320
And not only Eve
but all the women who followed.
567
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:52,520
So we're all carrying her sin.
568
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,760
Which means unbearable pain
while giving birth
569
00:31:55,840 --> 00:32:00,320
and bleeding
from our genitals every month.
570
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,920
Yeah, man, we get it.
571
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,120
Little bit of an overreaction.
572
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:07,680
[audience clapping]
573
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:19,360
And maybe the gender present gap is
consequently just a punishment from God.
574
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:23,040
And I don't know,
I always thought my aunt was talking shit.
575
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,680
My aunt always said,
576
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:28,280
"Oh, I've never gotten cool presents
like my brother." That's my uncle.
577
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,880
"He also didn't have to help
around the house as much."
578
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,520
And my Dad always said,
"Fucking bullshit."
579
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,080
We all said, "Yeah, nonsense."
580
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:40,560
Then, at some point, we were looking
at some old slides with our grandma.
581
00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:44,320
From the '60s,
Christmas with tons of tinsel.
582
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,400
And you see my uncle in the foreground
583
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,400
with his brand-new racing bike,
beaming from ear to ear.
584
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:54,640
In the background, my aunt sobbing
with a chocolate bar in her hand.
585
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:58,000
Really. It probably wasn't even
the good one with petroleum.
586
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:00,360
[splutters]
587
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,560
-[chuckles]
-[audience clapping]
588
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,960
My aunt had it pretty good, actually.
589
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,920
At least she didn't get
any embarrassing presents.
590
00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:17,320
My cousin once got
an epilator for Christmas
591
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:20,720
from our grandma in front of everyone.
592
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,680
To be fair to my grandma,
she didn't know what it was.
593
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,440
My aunt had wrapped it up for my cousin.
594
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,680
Alas, thank God my aunt
explained what it was to everyone.
595
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,240
"Yeah, yeah, she's just turned 13,
596
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:35,760
but she already has
such long black hairs on her legs."
597
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:37,280
[groans]
598
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:42,240
My grandma was like, "Hey, what kind
of thing is that for shaving legs?"
599
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,360
"What kind of newfangled thing is that?"
600
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:51,800
I really ask myself, at what point
do you become a grandma?
601
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:54,600
When are you a grandma or grandpa?
602
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:59,560
I'm not taking about having grandchildren,
but in terms of personality.
603
00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:05,120
At the moment, I'm normal.
I wear colorful clothes.
604
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,600
But at some point,
I will be a grandma and only wear
605
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,080
beige.
606
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:16,400
Yeah, but not Kim Kardashian beige
but health beige.
607
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:18,840
When does that happen?
608
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:22,200
I mean, at the moment,
I still have my own style, I hope.
609
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:27,000
But at some point, that will disappear,
and then I will dress like a grandma.
610
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:31,000
When does this happen? How does it happen?
611
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:37,280
And the best thing is that every grandma
in every generation looks the same, right?
612
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:41,920
When I was a child, the grandmas
looked exactly the same as they do today.
613
00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:45,680
Always a pleated skirt, a glittery sweater
and orthopedic shoes.
614
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:46,880
Exactly like that.
615
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,440
Does it sneak up on you gradually?
616
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:54,320
You know? That you just start
with beige shoes, you think, "Ah."
617
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:56,840
"That's my kind of thing."
618
00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:01,640
And then it starts moving higher
and higher up. Beige pants perhaps?
619
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,440
Oh. [chuckles]
620
00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:07,960
Or is it more of a formal process?
You get a letter from the council.
621
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,720
And then you open it, and you say,
622
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,960
"Oh, Manfred, it's time.
We have to wear beige now."
623
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:22,360
Then you have to take all
your colorful sneakers, caps, and things
624
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,280
and hand them in to the council.
625
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,080
And then you get
a pensioner's vest to wear.
626
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:30,120
With, like, 20 pockets.
627
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,800
-[audience clapping]
-[groaning]
628
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,880
But what do you do
with all the empty pockets?
629
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,280
Where do you get
the stuff to put inside them?
630
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,480
Maybe you get a voucher so you can go
to Müller's senior outfitters.
631
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,440
Then you get the pensioner's starter kit.
632
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,800
"So, pensioner's pocket contents."
633
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,160
"Here, a handful of cough sweets."
634
00:35:57,240 --> 00:36:00,640
"Out of date, of course.
Half of them without the wrapper."
635
00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:06,000
Then a handkerchief
and a shop receipt from 2007.
636
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,440
But you still have 20 more pockets.
What do you put in them?
637
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:15,160
Well, you put some sort of wrapped-up food
into every single one, of course.
638
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:18,320
The type of food you put in Tupperware.
639
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:19,880
Even eggs. [chuckles]
640
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,120
It's not as if nature
has prepacked the eggs perfectly.
641
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:27,760
Then you put them in Tupperware
and only get them out on ICE trains.
642
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,280
And that's where you eat
the eggs. [chuckling]
643
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,760
I recently saw a group
of elderly women sitting in the train
644
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,080
all cracking open their eggs.
645
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:44,640
And I thought, "Gosh!"
Somehow, I don't see grandmas anymore.
646
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:47,640
In my experience, older women,
647
00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:53,160
you only really see them on ICE trains
or at family occasions.
648
00:36:53,240 --> 00:36:55,240
But when you turn on the TV?
649
00:36:55,320 --> 00:37:00,040
Every female presenter
over 40 is replaced.
650
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,200
In films, there are loads of young women,
of course, but older women?
651
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:05,640
You can forget Instagram.
652
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:09,880
Somehow it's like
they have been sucked out of society.
653
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:11,720
They're somehow just gone.
654
00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,840
As a child,
I imagined that was what dying was like.
655
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,960
That you just sort of fade out.
656
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:18,960
I imagined it a little differently.
657
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:23,800
My grandma always measured my height
with a mark on the door.
658
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:26,080
And always said, "Now, you're this tall."
659
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:30,080
She would then tell me,
"I used to be taller before."
660
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,480
As a kid, I was like,
"Huh? How does that work?"
661
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,800
"You grow, but you can't get smaller."
662
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,840
She said, "It's true. In old age,
you shrink. You get smaller."
663
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,280
I was like, "Oh, yeah?"
664
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,920
That then started turning
the cogs in my brain.
665
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,240
I thought,
"Ah, that's what getting old is like."
666
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,680
Getting old is shrinking again and again.
667
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,000
So grandma will keep getting
smaller and smaller.
668
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:56,440
And then at some point,
she'll live in a doll's house.
669
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,160
Then she'll live in a Lego house.
670
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,160
Then, when we can't find her anymore,
671
00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:04,480
we'll be vacuuming,
"Oof, something rattled."
672
00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:05,960
[audience laughing]
673
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:07,920
Oh no. [chuckles]
674
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:10,800
Grandma.
675
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,960
I thought that then you're dead.
676
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,800
When you get sucked up. [chuckles]
677
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,520
When my grandma really died,
678
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,520
I was still in church thinking
the coffin is way too big.
679
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,520
Or are there a couple of grannies inside?
680
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:39,280
That's the last time I went to church.
When my grandmother died.
681
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:42,280
I mean, I'm not what you'd call
a regular churchgoer.
682
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,080
But I think that Christmas is still…
683
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,120
The church is always full
for mass at Christmas.
684
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,560
Otherwise there's no one there,
even if there wasn't Corona.
685
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,760
But the church is always packed out.
686
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,720
You get the feeling they've been
reserving their places since November.
687
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,720
"No, no one can sit here.
These seats are for our family."
688
00:38:58,800 --> 00:38:59,920
Packed to the rafters.
689
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,440
Hey, if I had a show
690
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,360
that was empty for the rest of the year,
not a soul,
691
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,160
but then packed out once a year,
692
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:10,360
I would say, "Guys, we're gonna give
the performance of our lives."
693
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:12,440
"Then they'll come every day."
694
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:16,120
"We're gonna entertain them.
They won't know what hit them."
695
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,840
But the Catholic church is like,
"Yeah. Or not."
696
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:21,400
[audience laughing]
697
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:27,000
"No. Instead let's have the kids
perform a play, which is way too long."
698
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,520
"Which everyone already knows."
699
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,880
"And everyone
should speak really quietly."
700
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,280
"In a room with ceilings
that are too high."
701
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:37,680
"Oh, and everyone should have
their backs to the audience."
702
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:43,000
And then we'll get gentle women
with a cheeky short haircut to read.
703
00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:48,080
She'll read a gentle text out loud.
From the Bible, where you think,
704
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:52,600
"Even the best book in the world
sounds shit if you read it like that."
705
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,120
"And it came to pass in those days
706
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,840
that there went out a decree
from Caesar Augustus
707
00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:03,360
that all the world should be taxed.
708
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,520
And this taxing was first made
709
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:11,040
when Cyrenius was governor of Syria."
710
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:12,280
[Carolin snores]
711
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:17,200
No.
712
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:27,640
And then there's the priest.
With each second, you notice that
713
00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,840
he hates kids.
714
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,040
He hates kids. He just pretends.
715
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,600
He would love to throw
Finn-Friedrich out of the first row.
716
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,120
Because he is interrupting the sermon
717
00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:41,240
and hitting his neighbor's head
with the hymn book.
718
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:43,800
But he can't do that
because he has to say stuff like,
719
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,680
"Christmas is about the miracle
of childbirth and love for a child!"
720
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,560
"So let the children come to me!"
721
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,040
But what he'd really like to do
is grab Finn-Friedrich and say,
722
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,960
"Shut your mouth, boy.
Or I'll smack you with the candlestick."
723
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,360
"If you're not quiet,
724
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:02,360
then Knecht Ruprecht will come
and stick long needles in your eyes."
725
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:04,920
Of course…
726
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:12,240
In the Catholic church,
727
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,800
you have to just be thankful
that the priest only hates kids.
728
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:17,520
That's the lesser of two evils.
729
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:18,680
Well, of course…
730
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:20,160
[audience laughing]
731
00:41:20,240 --> 00:41:22,600
Surprise! [chuckles]
732
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:28,240
People don't really like going to church,
because the whole Christmas story
733
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:30,800
isn't really relevant
to our lives anymore.
734
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,000
You sit there as a young person and think,
735
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:35,400
"What the hell is going on?"
736
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:39,200
I mean, if the Christmas story
happened today,
737
00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:41,720
then everything
would be completely different.
738
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,040
I mean, it starts with the procreation.
739
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,640
Mary and God would probably
have met each other on Tinder.
740
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:51,240
I assume. Everything would be different.
741
00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:56,640
As if Joseph and Mary
would have slept in a barn. Fat chance!
742
00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:59,480
They would have checked into
some cool loft from Airbnb
743
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:03,200
in the completely gentrified center
of Bethlehem, obviously.
744
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,120
For sure.
As if they wouldn't check out a stable
745
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:09,120
they saw on a hotel comparison site.
"Only one star? No, no way."
746
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:12,240
As if the three wise men
747
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:17,000
would have come in person
all that way just to give the presents.
748
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:19,560
They would have just sent them
with Amazon, right?
749
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,480
Already wrapped as a present.
750
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,880
Where you pay a €79.80 surcharge
751
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,200
just to get them packed
in those crappy cloth bags.
752
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:28,360
That's really the easiest way to say,
753
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:31,360
"I have money,
and I don't care about you."
754
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:33,120
That's how it would be.
755
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:35,720
Better to just give
any crap as a present, right?
756
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,360
We always do a joke Secret Santa,
me and my friends.
757
00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:42,760
Joke Secret Santa is the same
as normal Secret Santa
758
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,760
except you actually admit
how shit the gifts are.
759
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:47,800
We do that every year at Christmas
760
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:51,080
but, unfortunately,
the day before Christmas Eve.
761
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:56,840
Which means that I can't really remember
the last few Christmas Eves too well.
762
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:01,440
Because I always have such a bad hangover
on Christmas Eve
763
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:03,080
that I can't remember.
764
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,760
But we always have to do
the joke Secret Santa on the 23rd
765
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:07,920
because that's the only time
everyone is in Cologne.
766
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,640
Nowadays some of them live in China
or Hamburg or God knows where.
767
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,240
So we can only do it then.
768
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,960
At some point, it just got out of hand.
769
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,200
We started about 20 years ago.
770
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:20,200
There were six of us, and we did
the Secret Santa at one of our homes.
771
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:21,360
Then over the years,
772
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:26,000
more and more people joined us,
and it just grew and grew over time.
773
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:30,200
Then there came a point where no one
wanted to host it at their home anymore.
774
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:33,840
"Man, I can't renovate the floor again.
Last year, it was so bad."
775
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:38,000
And then at some point,
we started to rent a location on the 23rd.
776
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:42,360
To get a tree.
Soon, we had doormen, a schedule,
777
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:46,720
and it became a fixed event,
with invitations.
778
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,480
We had teams to decorate the tree
and to take it down.
779
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:52,240
There were even penalties
if you forgot to bring your Secret Santa.
780
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:55,200
Then we got really drunk.
781
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:59,880
We got so drunk. And every year, I knew
that Christmas was going to be hell.
782
00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:01,480
I have to try and nurse my drinks.
783
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,480
I had to try and pace myself
with all this alcohol.
784
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:05,920
But I just couldn't do it.
785
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,240
There are people
who drink water in between.
786
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:12,560
They drink water.
What psychos! How do they do it?
787
00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,040
How can you be so in control?
788
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:18,320
After every shot of booze.
"First, some water."
789
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,480
"I always do it like this,
a beer then water."
790
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:23,600
Wow. I always try.
791
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,840
I always think,
"Okay, now I'm gonna drink water. Water."
792
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,240
"Definitely gonna get some water."
793
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:29,520
Then I head to the bar to get some,
"Water, water, water,"
794
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,360
but when I'm in front of the bar,
"Beer! Fuck it."
795
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,560
Then…
796
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:37,200
[chuckles]
797
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,920
Then, at some point, we're listening
to Rage Against the Machine,
798
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,240
and there's a merry mosh pit.
799
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:49,040
Then everyone is bouncing around,
800
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:51,960
everything breaks,
and you sometimes end up injured.
801
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,840
There were Christmases
where I sat there with a black eye
802
00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:56,880
and my brother
with a big lump on his forehead.
803
00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:01,160
Sitting opposite our grandmother
at the table, and Grandma looks and says,
804
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:04,920
"Did you hit each other?
And at Christmas!"
805
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:11,440
And we're like… [in gruff voice]
…"Yeah, we both fell over yesterday."
806
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:12,640
[groans]
807
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:14,400
[Carolin splutters]
808
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:18,440
[chuckles]
809
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:25,520
All of us, all my friends,
are always so hungover on Christmas Eve.
810
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:30,800
That's why we made our own version
of a well-known Christmas song.
811
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:33,560
["Alle Jahre wieder" playing]
812
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:42,440
♪ Just like every year ♪
813
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:47,640
♪ It happened once again ♪
814
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:53,400
♪ Knees down on the ground ♪
815
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:57,280
♪ Vomit hanging from my chin ♪
816
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:58,360
[audience laughing]
817
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:03,200
♪ I can hardly move ♪
818
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:07,840
♪ Can barely stand the pain ♪
819
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:13,960
♪ Crawling on all fours ♪
820
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,800
♪ The whole way through the house ♪
821
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:23,800
♪ Parents waiting cheerful ♪
822
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:28,720
♪ The goose is fully cooked ♪
823
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:34,720
♪ I'll just keep drinking ♪
824
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:39,600
♪ Until next year ♪
825
00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:41,920
[audience cheering]
826
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:43,240
You're welcome to use that one.
827
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:50,680
But…
828
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:56,800
Drinking at Christmas is, of course,
only the culmination of the season.
829
00:46:56,880 --> 00:46:59,280
It starts much, much earlier of course.
830
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:02,680
Throughout Advent, you have
to get drunk at Christmas markets.
831
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,600
Every moron wants to go with you
to the Christmas market.
832
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:07,400
"We have to go to the Christmas market."
833
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:10,000
"We really have to." Suddenly,
you're stressing about appointments
834
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,440
because everyone wants to go with you
to the Christmas market.
835
00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:14,000
It's like peer pressure.
836
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:17,840
"We've got to do it before Christmas.
Got to go to the markets!"
837
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:21,520
In Cologne, when people say, "C'mon,
we're going to the Christmas market,"
838
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:23,520
then you have to ask, "Which one?"
839
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:26,200
We've got hundreds
of Christmas markets in Cologne.
840
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:29,000
We've got more Christmas markets
than parking spaces in Cologne.
841
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:32,480
And then you have to drink
a lot of mulled wine.
842
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:34,840
Who actually invented that?
843
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:37,240
You stand there in the cold
844
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:38,320
with your cup,
845
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:41,880
and with the first gulp,
you immediately burn your mouth.
846
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,200
Your tongue is numb,
which isn't a bad thing,
847
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,120
because as soon as it cools down
by one degree,
848
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:47,840
then it tastes like cold feet.
849
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:52,480
It tastes just like
a hangover feels the next day.
850
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,720
So, slowly,
you have that taste in your mouth.
851
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:59,000
Then I'm standing there already
with this half-cold thing, "Ew."
852
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:02,760
Then after just two seconds,
someone comes from the group and says,
853
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:06,560
"Another round, yeah? I'll get
another round. Give me your cups."
854
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:09,440
And you're standing there like,
"Fuck. The guy is like a debt collector."
855
00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:10,400
"C'mon, c'mon."
856
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:12,440
Because he wants
to get his fucking deposit back.
857
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:15,360
I once tipped mine into the snow.
858
00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:19,480
It looked like I threw up blood
on the snow, "Everything okay?"
859
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:20,600
"Yeah."
860
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:22,560
Or you have to chug that shit.
861
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:26,000
God didn't intend for mulled wine
to be chugged.
862
00:48:26,080 --> 00:48:28,840
That's why he created it scalding hot.
863
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:32,000
Of course you then get drunk
from mulled wine.
864
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,920
Which is really a disgusting
kind of drunkenness.
865
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:37,640
I always notice
when I've had too much mulled wine
866
00:48:37,720 --> 00:48:41,920
because I think, "I could go for some
slimy garlic mushrooms right about now."
867
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,240
The rest of the year,
I wouldn't give them the time of day.
868
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:49,120
But at the Christmas market,
"Oh, garlic mushrooms."
869
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:51,320
Right?
870
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:53,560
[audience clapping and cheering]
871
00:48:55,240 --> 00:48:56,080
[chuckles]
872
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,800
Or when you've had enough mulled wine,
then for me I slowly start
873
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:09,200
to think all the crap on the stands
is really cool.
874
00:49:09,280 --> 00:49:11,880
You think it's actually really beautiful.
875
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:14,000
"It's beautiful."
876
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,240
"Wow. It's all made out of felt."
877
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:22,960
Felt. The rest of the year
I couldn't give a toss about felt,
878
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:27,200
but at the Christmas market, "Felt. Oh."
879
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:30,920
"Felt shoes too, amazing."
880
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:35,280
Everything is full of knickknacks.
881
00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:38,120
You buy them,
and then they just lay around the house.
882
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:42,920
You think, "Great, I need all of that."
883
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:46,200
It's like the home shopping channels
back in the day.
884
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:47,560
I don't know how they do it.
885
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,640
Back then, when you switched it on,
you were like,
886
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:51,400
"Hey, no way!"
887
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:55,400
There's no reason in the world
why I would ever
888
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:58,480
need to buy a lint fryer.
889
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:01,680
But then you look at it for ten minutes
and think, "Man, I need that thing."
890
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:04,920
I have to fry my lint. All of it.
891
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:09,000
It's like that at the Christmas market
too, "I need that."
892
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,280
But actually, I really need it.
893
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:13,040
Decoration from the Christmas market.
894
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:16,760
I have personally depended on it
if I want everything to be festive.
895
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:18,760
I can't do it myself. Doesn't work.
896
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:22,760
I can look at as much Pinterest as I want,
but it doesn't work.
897
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,320
I know there are people
who can just do it.
898
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:28,240
There are people who,
if you give them just a hot glue gun,
899
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:30,640
a couple of dried leaves,
and a bit of material,
900
00:50:30,720 --> 00:50:35,800
and they craft… no, they somehow
conjure up floral decorations.
901
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:39,800
You'd think the photographer from
Beautiful Homes will be here in a sec
902
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:42,720
to do an eight-page story for Vogue.
903
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:44,800
Fuck me! What's that about?
904
00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:48,240
The last thing I conjured up
from dried leaves
905
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:50,200
was definitely not legal.
906
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:51,960
[laughing]
907
00:50:52,040 --> 00:50:52,880
[splutters]
908
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,600
It looks so shit when I decorate.
909
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:58,000
Really. With me,
910
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:02,680
it always looks like a decoration,
which was beautiful, fell off the table.
911
00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:05,520
And someone swept it up.
912
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,320
Where people walk by and say,
913
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:10,400
"Hey, chief, you should have
a look at this."
914
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:11,520
[audience laughing]
915
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,840
"A candle and a feather.
What happened here?"
916
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,160
Or like Black Stories, do you know that?
917
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:20,520
A candle and a feather lying on the floor.
What happened?
918
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,880
Was there a break-in?
Was there an explosion?
919
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,520
-No, Caro was doing crafts. Ah, okay.
-[audience laughing]
920
00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:26,440
Cool.
921
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:31,360
At some point,
I called my mother and told her…
922
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:35,240
I said, "Mom, I'm hopeless
when it comes to decorating."
923
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,360
My mom was like, "Yeah, that's great."
924
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:38,280
"Huh?"
925
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:41,120
"No, I think it's good that there are
some things you can't do."
926
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:42,200
"Yeah, great."
927
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:43,840
"No, it's a good trait to have."
928
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:47,280
"To be able to say when there is something
you can't do. It's good."
929
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,160
You can't do it too often though.
930
00:51:49,240 --> 00:51:53,160
Otherwise it sounds like
you're fishing for compliments.
931
00:51:53,240 --> 00:51:55,520
Just like in school,
everyone had a friend like,
932
00:51:55,600 --> 00:52:00,600
"Oh God, I'm definitely gonna get a U.
Oh, what another A?"
933
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:03,200
"Oh God."
934
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:06,680
That's how I always
get given cookies at Christmas.
935
00:52:06,760 --> 00:52:08,520
I always get given cookies.
936
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,840
Where you can already see,
wow, these are super good cookies.
937
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,280
And you realize
that the person who gave them
938
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:17,480
just wants to hear how good they are.
I always get given them with the sentence,
939
00:52:17,560 --> 00:52:20,000
"Yes, but this year,
they turned out really bad."
940
00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:23,680
"Turned out really bad." You think?
941
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:25,000
Aha!
942
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:28,800
"To whom did you give the cookies
which did turn out well?"
943
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:29,880
[audience laughing]
944
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:32,600
First of all, how can cookies
not turn out well?
945
00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:35,560
It's fat and sugar. It's always delicious.
946
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:37,640
You can't combine fat and sugar in a way
947
00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:38,920
that tastes bad.
948
00:52:39,440 --> 00:52:43,560
That's why it's always over the top
when you bite a cookie and go,
949
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:44,880
"Oh, delicious."
950
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:46,200
Yeah, of course it's delicious.
951
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:48,960
It's a cookie.
What else would it be, magnetic?
952
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,000
What did you think?
953
00:52:50,080 --> 00:52:51,400
[audience laughing and clapping]
954
00:52:51,480 --> 00:52:52,320
Cookies!
955
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:03,680
I always take all the cookies I get given.
956
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:06,800
I get a lot
and put them on a huge plate of cookies.
957
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:10,360
[chuckles] Then people always ask,
"Did you bake those yourself?"
958
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:12,600
At some point, I started to say, "Yep."
959
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:14,640
[audience laughing]
960
00:53:14,720 --> 00:53:16,000
"With my pony."
961
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:17,400
[audience laughing louder]
962
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:20,840
"My pony and I,
we baked all these cookies."
963
00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:24,840
"No problem. Do it every year.
Standard Wednesday, people."
964
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,280
The problem is when you have
someone with allergies there,
965
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,560
and they ask, "Do they contain nuts?"
966
00:53:31,880 --> 00:53:32,880
[grunting] "Yeah."
967
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:34,440
[audience laughing]
968
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,960
"Yeah, probably not."
969
00:53:39,240 --> 00:53:42,040
"Try one and ask me again in ten minutes
970
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:44,680
if you're still alive." No, not really.
971
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:49,480
But food is super important
at Christmas, right?
972
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:52,240
Christmas dinner is the highlight.
973
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:55,280
For everyone it has to be
the best food in the world.
974
00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:56,960
There are only two camps.
975
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,240
The first is
Team Sausage and Potato Salad.
976
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:02,320
The other one is Team Dead Bird. Uh…
977
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,720
Goose, duck, or turkey.
978
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:08,200
-Owls. Whatever else there is.
-[audience laughing]
979
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:10,880
As a kid, I definitely would have been
Team Potato Salad
980
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:13,200
because that's quick to prepare.
981
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:16,200
For kids, it's a fucking chicane.
982
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,640
This bloody long meal. What the hell?
983
00:54:18,720 --> 00:54:21,160
On Christmas,
when you've already been to church,
984
00:54:21,240 --> 00:54:25,760
you want presents. Why do you have
to stuff yourself for ages first?
985
00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:28,880
Usually pasta and sauce
or sauce and pasta will do.
986
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:32,320
But at Christmas,
you sit at the table for three hours.
987
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:33,960
We always had leftovers.
988
00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:38,400
Okay, so we didn't call it leftovers.
We said, "raclette." We had raclette.
989
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:41,400
[chuckles] It was a stroke of genius
by my mother.
990
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:45,000
She didn't have to prepare anything,
just tear open packets.
991
00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:49,320
The disadvantage for us as kids was
that it took ages before my dad was full.
992
00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:52,040
Because he always said,
"This isn't anything proper."
993
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:53,120
When my father said,
994
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:57,360
"This isn't anything proper,"
he meant that it wasn't meat. No meat.
995
00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:00,600
Of course, with raclette,
there is only salami, ham, etc.
996
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,200
Not any real meat.
997
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:06,400
As a kid, you're already full
after half a piece of melted cheese.
998
00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:10,240
You sit there with your hot face
at the table, rocking back and forth,
999
00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,080
"When do we get to open presents?"
1000
00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:14,600
But you have to wait
until your father is full.
1001
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:17,680
You've already waited to open
the 24 doors of the Advent calendar.
1002
00:55:17,760 --> 00:55:21,640
And now you have to wait for your father
to make 24 pans disappear.
1003
00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:27,120
[chuckles]
1004
00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:34,920
At Christmas,
we always play games after food.
1005
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:38,280
That's become a well-loved tradition
over the last few years.
1006
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,320
We always play a game.
1007
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:44,120
It may sound a bit weird today,
but it's called "Your Mother Top Trumps."
1008
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,720
It's sort of like Top Trumps,
but you just play it with mothers.
1009
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,480
You have to outdo each other
1010
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:54,520
in terms of weight, hair,
and number of unsupervised children.
1011
00:55:54,600 --> 00:55:57,120
Then you have "your mom" phrases,
1012
00:55:57,200 --> 00:56:00,120
and everyone has to decide
who has the funniest phrase,
1013
00:56:00,200 --> 00:56:01,840
and you can use those to out-trump people.
1014
00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:04,360
The game in itself
isn't actually that cool.
1015
00:56:04,440 --> 00:56:07,200
But my brother and I laughed our asses off
1016
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:10,240
about the way our parents
read out these "your mom" phrases.
1017
00:56:10,320 --> 00:56:12,880
[chuckles] Whenever my father
reads his phrases out,
1018
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:16,240
he would look straight at my brother
to see if it was funny.
1019
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,400
[chuckles] Because sometimes
he doesn't get the joke.
1020
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:21,280
He sits there at Christmas and says,
1021
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:27,080
"Your mother gets hit more often
than the door of the job center."
1022
00:56:29,040 --> 00:56:30,160
"Was it good?"
1023
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:32,440
"Good." [chuckles]
1024
00:56:32,520 --> 00:56:34,000
[audience clapping]
1025
00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:39,000
My mother didn't really get it either.
1026
00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:42,280
She read them
like a dedicated Cologne church wife.
1027
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:43,200
She reads like,
1028
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:47,440
"Your mom shits on the carpet,
1029
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:52,240
sticks pretzel sticks in it
and says, 'The hedgehog lives here now.'"
1030
00:56:54,040 --> 00:56:55,680
It's too much.
1031
00:56:56,880 --> 00:56:57,920
[chuckles]
1032
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:02,800
You aren't at your parents'
as often as you used to be.
1033
00:57:03,640 --> 00:57:05,560
A couple of years ago though,
1034
00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:10,000
I was living at my parents' for a bit
due to a "situation." And…
1035
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:11,880
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
1036
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:13,400
I was terrified about it
1037
00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:16,120
because I thought we're gonna bash
our heads in. It will be horrible.
1038
00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:19,360
It was actually a wonderful time.
It was great.
1039
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:22,880
We spent a lot of time drawing.
We had breakfast together.
1040
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:26,920
You sit in the same place
you always sat as a child.
1041
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:29,120
There were five different types
of sausage.
1042
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,080
Sometimes I just opened the fridge
just to count all the sausages.
1043
00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:35,400
None of them were off.
None of them had furled up. Nothing.
1044
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:39,560
That in itself was so fascinating.
1045
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:41,600
-[audience clapping]
-And…
1046
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:43,520
[chuckles]
1047
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:48,560
All of my things
were washed, ironed, and sewed up.
1048
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:51,760
All of my tops have a hole here.
That's just how it is.
1049
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:56,480
I just can't wait for someone
to hand me a pair of scissors
1050
00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:00,040
when the label starts to itch.
At some point, I lose my shit… [grunts]
1051
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:02,920
And then I've ripped everything to shreds.
1052
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,800
And my mother sewed everything up.
1053
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:09,080
But there were also moments
when I realized,
1054
00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:10,960
"Ah, yes."
1055
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:14,240
"We've really left them alone
for a long time."
1056
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:18,080
For example, at one point,
I wanted to take a bath.
1057
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:21,240
So I was on the first floor,
and I had just run the bathwater.
1058
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:27,640
My mother heard that from downstairs
and ran up, screaming on the way,
1059
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:32,440
"Do you want to take a bath? Do you want
to take a bath? Sorry, you can't."
1060
00:58:32,520 --> 00:58:34,240
And I was like, "Eh? Why not?"
1061
00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:36,120
And she came inside,
"Yeah, you can't do that."
1062
00:58:36,200 --> 00:58:39,240
"You can't take a bath.
The water's too cold for that."
1063
00:58:39,320 --> 00:58:40,760
"Your dad set it up that way."
1064
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,320
"You can only shower.
You can't take a bath."
1065
00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:44,720
[audience laughing]
1066
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,600
And I have to say that
1067
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:49,960
I was totally confused
1068
00:58:50,040 --> 00:58:53,000
because a couple of years earlier,
1069
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:55,680
my parents had switched
to geothermal energy.
1070
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:59,520
They paid so much money
for this geothermal heating.
1071
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:02,040
My dad had worked it out.
He'd done the math.
1072
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:04,240
As soon as my parents turned 90,
1073
00:59:04,320 --> 00:59:07,120
then it would finally pay off.
1074
00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:10,880
I even remember how it was built.
A bore drill arrived.
1075
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:14,400
I thought they're gonna drill
for dinosaurs. What the hell?
1076
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:17,440
They drilled a hole
in my parents' front garden.
1077
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:21,600
I'm no expert on geology or heating,
but the way I understood geothermal
1078
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:24,120
is that they drill
through to the Earth's fucking core.
1079
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:28,240
To me, geothermal heating means
my parents have a lava flat rate.
1080
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:32,560
The water is literally boiling
at their place all the time.
1081
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,640
Why the fuck shouldn't you use it?
1082
00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:39,680
No, my father found out
that you can save a few cents
1083
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:42,040
if you turn it down a little bit.
1084
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:44,000
And I was astounded.
1085
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:46,680
I stood in front of my mother
and said, "Wait a second."
1086
00:59:46,760 --> 00:59:49,080
"But you really like having a bath."
1087
00:59:49,160 --> 00:59:52,320
"You can't take a bath?
But you love baths!"
1088
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:54,720
My mother is the queen of bathwater.
1089
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:57,880
Really, when I was a child,
she was always taking baths.
1090
00:59:57,960 --> 00:59:58,960
And she said,
1091
00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:03,720
"Well, when I want a bath,
I get the pasta pot, the big one."
1092
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:06,400
"Then I boil some water."
1093
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:11,840
I go, "And then you walk up the fucking
stairs with a pot of boiling water?"
1094
01:00:11,920 --> 01:00:14,200
"You take baths
like they did during the war?"
1095
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:18,200
-[audience laughing]
-What kind of weird situation is that?
1096
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:20,480
"You can't. Your dad set it up like that."
1097
01:00:20,560 --> 01:00:22,800
And then, my dad hears our conversation.
1098
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,160
I hear him shout,
1099
01:00:24,240 --> 01:00:27,240
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
I'll adjust it, then!" But angrily.
1100
01:00:27,320 --> 01:00:29,920
And I go, "Why is he angry?"
1101
01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:35,560
And with whom? With us? With himself?
With the heating, the lava? No idea.
1102
01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:37,680
That's so mad.
1103
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:41,480
You think, "Wow, my parents are so weird."
1104
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:43,360
"I love them, but they're weird."
1105
01:00:43,440 --> 01:00:47,240
I find it so funny. But as a teenager,
it's super embarrassing.
1106
01:00:47,320 --> 01:00:52,840
All of your own family make you think,
"Oh God. You're all so strange."
1107
01:00:53,360 --> 01:00:55,200
As you get older, you think,
1108
01:00:55,280 --> 01:00:58,480
"My God. You're so strange."
1109
01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:00,040
[laughing]
1110
01:01:00,120 --> 01:01:04,080
"You're freaks, but you're my freaks.
Somehow, it's cool."
1111
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:09,440
That's why there are weird traditions
in every family.
1112
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:11,520
But with us, for example, it's like this.
1113
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:15,720
When we set up the nativity, it gets
put together on the 6th of December.
1114
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:20,040
Then it stands there,
with crib in the stable.
1115
01:01:20,120 --> 01:01:24,080
But for us, Jesus isn't born yet.
1116
01:01:24,160 --> 01:01:28,120
Because, of course, it isn't quite
the 24th yet. We're very logical.
1117
01:01:28,640 --> 01:01:33,880
That's why, until he is born,
Jesus lies behind the crib.
1118
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:37,800
Other babies lie in the womb,
1119
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:41,520
but he is just in the back
of a dusty cupboard.
1120
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:46,240
And at some point,
the inevitable happened.
1121
01:01:46,760 --> 01:01:48,120
Jesus was gone.
1122
01:01:48,760 --> 01:01:52,000
Jesus was gone.
Don't know if the cat ate him or what.
1123
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:55,800
Or if we had vacuumed him up?
Oh! He's with Grandma in heaven.
1124
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:57,840
No idea where he went.
1125
01:01:57,920 --> 01:02:00,440
Anyway, we, of course, had to replace him.
1126
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:02,520
I mean, you can't have
an empty crib on Christmas.
1127
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:04,640
How creepy would that be?
1128
01:02:04,720 --> 01:02:06,480
Someone has to be Jesus!
1129
01:02:06,560 --> 01:02:09,280
And then we started putting
toy figures in there.
1130
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:11,280
One year, we had
a Playmobil construction worker.
1131
01:02:11,360 --> 01:02:12,720
[audience laughing]
1132
01:02:12,800 --> 01:02:16,720
Really cool. He had a mustache
and a shovel in his hand.
1133
01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:19,680
One year I had Polly Pocket.
I managed to get that one through.
1134
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:24,680
More diversity
in the Jesus sector. [chuckles]
1135
01:02:24,760 --> 01:02:27,600
Then a Happy Hippo from a Kinder egg.
That was also good.
1136
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:30,360
Then at some point,
we landed on superheroes.
1137
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:33,960
It's hard to follow in Jesus's footsteps.
You've got to have something to offer.
1138
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:36,080
It was definitely a job for Batman.
1139
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,280
Batman was Jesus for three years.
1140
01:02:38,800 --> 01:02:42,000
I mean, c'mon. Gotham, Bethlehem,
what's the difference?
1141
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:47,040
And that's somehow more
in the spirit of Jesus, this variety.
1142
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:51,520
Anyone can spread Jesus's message.
The message of love.
1143
01:02:51,600 --> 01:02:54,800
Why not Batman?
And for me, that is Christmas.
1144
01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,520
Not these old stories from the Bible
1145
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:01,600
but what you experience
with your friends and your freaks at home.
1146
01:03:01,680 --> 01:03:05,280
Everyone has their own, special moment.
1147
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:07,040
Christmas is different for everyone.
1148
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:11,240
Never mind if you drink yourself
under the table at Christmas.
1149
01:03:11,320 --> 01:03:14,280
Or if you give your kids
cheap Barbies from Poland as presents.
1150
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:18,280
Or if a brown hedgehog lives
in your home on the carpet.
1151
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:22,960
For me, it's only Christmas
when Batman is lying in the crib.
1152
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:25,760
[electronic version
of "Silent Night" playing]
1153
01:03:28,840 --> 01:03:30,960
♪ Silent night ♪
1154
01:03:31,480 --> 01:03:33,640
♪ Holy night ♪
1155
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:39,320
♪ Batman laughs at God's Son ♪
1156
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:44,760
♪ Jesus lies
Somewhere behind the cupboard ♪
1157
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:49,880
♪ Where no one ever found him again ♪
1158
01:03:49,960 --> 01:03:55,240
♪ Batman the savior is here ♪
1159
01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:58,840
♪ Batman the savior is here ♪
1160
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:03,120
♪ Silent night ♪
1161
01:04:03,200 --> 01:04:05,720
♪ Holy night ♪
1162
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:11,240
♪ Homemade cookies ♪
1163
01:04:11,320 --> 01:04:16,440
♪ In the cupboard some crap made of felt ♪
1164
01:04:16,520 --> 01:04:22,120
♪ Your breath stinks of garlic mushrooms ♪
1165
01:04:22,200 --> 01:04:27,440
♪ Just keep your mouth closed ♪
1166
01:04:27,520 --> 01:04:31,200
♪ Keep your mouth closed ♪
1167
01:04:32,800 --> 01:04:34,280
[audience cheering]
1168
01:04:34,360 --> 01:04:37,440
Merry Christmas!
That's it, folks. Get home safe!
1169
01:04:39,720 --> 01:04:42,560
Thank you for coming.
Enjoy the festivities!
1170
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:45,880
Gift yourself something nice!
1171
01:04:46,480 --> 01:04:48,200
Drink something proper!
1172
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,120
[chuckles]
1173
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,280
♪ Silent night ♪
1174
01:04:56,840 --> 01:04:58,800
♪ Holy night ♪
1175
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:04,520
♪ I hope you all had fun ♪
1176
01:05:04,600 --> 01:05:09,640
♪ Now go out and have a great time ♪
1177
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:15,400
♪ Remember that baby Jesus
Can see everything ♪
1178
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:20,640
♪ Folks, the show is over ♪
1179
01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:24,600
♪ I'm gonna ride my pony home ♪
1180
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:28,560
-[music ends]
-Merry Christmas!
1181
01:05:30,080 --> 01:05:31,120
Thank you!
1182
01:05:33,720 --> 01:05:36,720
["We Wish You a Merry Christmas"
instrumental playing]