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[lively music]
[John] You look just like your pictures.
[Jane] Oh, uh, good.
‐They don't all, you know.
‐You do a lot of online dating?
‐Lots of first dates.
‐Hmm. That's a weird thing to say.
‐Are you gonna finish that?
‐Oh, uh.
[chomping noisily]
‐Yeah, this guy is slaying.
Will you just do it already?
‐Not yet. He can still salvage it.
‐So, your profile says you're an entrepreneur.
‐Big deals on the horizon.
Million‐dollar ideas percolating up here.
‐Like what?
‐Tell her, John.
‐Sorry. Do I know you?
‐No, but I know you.
I've looked at your file.
‐Philomena! What are you doing?
[Philomena] Why don't you tell her how looking for
a real job sort of cuts into your gaming time. Bleh!
But it's okay, because you're saving money, right?
How, you might ask? We all know the answer to that.
♪♪ By living with your mother! ♪♪
‐[Ruby kicks hard] ‐Ow!
[Ruby] [clears throat] What a kidder! [laughs]
Pay no attention to her.
What you should pay attention to is your lovely date.
You two look so good together.
Like you were made for each other.
‐Ridiculous. Just get it over with.
‐This is my match. I will deal with it my way.
‐Your way is outdated.
‐Shut it, Philomena.
I have got seniority here!
And you can be as pushy and as mean as you want,
but it doesn't change the way that people fall in love!
These two are.
really nice strangers,
who I've never met but seem to have lovely chemistry.
‐So. I'm gonna go.
‐See? ‐No! Give love a chance!
‐Nice meeting you, John.
‐Oh. ‐[Philomena] She's getting away.
‐Grr! Fine! I'll do it your way!
[magical chimes]
‐[gasping for air] ‐[Ruby] Oh.
‐Yes! Yes, wow! You are so bad at this.
‐You got me all flustered!
‐Uh, excuse me.
[Man] Excuse me.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
‐Ooh. ‐Oh, hey! She's with me.
‐Pfft. No, I'm not.
‐Wow, this is truly a shocking display of incompetence.
‐Yeah, I can't concentrate while you're hurting my feelings!
‐Oh. ‐[Man] Is he bothering you?
‐No. ‐I‐I'm not bothering her,
you are! ‐You are!
‐She's like half your age, bro.
‐Oh‐oh. Watch who you're shoving, punk.
‐Ooo! Escalation.
‐You're the punk!
[punches thrown]
[Crowd] Ooh.
‐Could I have a Shirley Temple?
Extra sweet stuff, and a sugar rim?
‐[gasps] Quite the dumpster fire, Ruby.
Seriously.
How many hundreds of years have you been doing this?
‐I'm tuning you out.
I can't hear you. I can only hear positivity.
‐Ooh. Does it sound like police sirens?
Because I think I hear it too. Yeah.
‐[punch thrown] ‐[Man screams]
‐[phone ringing] ‐Wonder who that could be?
‐I don't suppose I could convince you
to not answer th‐‐
‐Hey, Boss. What's up?
‐[whispering] Just maybe say I'm not here.
‐Yeah, she's sitting right next to me.
Mm‐hm. Yeah.
Yeah, I know, it was a huge disaster.
Totally. It's still happening.
I'm scared to turn around.
Yes, sir.
‐You don't have a lot of friends, do you?
The reason I ask is.
you're kind of unpleasant.
‐I don't waste time on friends. My career is my friend.
Boss wants to see you. Stat.
In case that was too subtle,
what I'm saying is that you're definitely getting fired.
[magical chimes]
[sighs]
[magical chimes]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[Receptionist] [into headset]Affection, Attraction,
and Love, please hold.
Affection, Attraction, and Love,
please hold. ‐[magical chimes]
‐Affection, Attraction, and Love, may I help you?
I'm afraid he no longer handles anything directly.
We have a very competent staff.
Okay. Thank you.
Yes?
‐Oh, me?
‐Speak!
‐Hi. He's expecting me.
‐And you are?
‐Oh! Sorry! I'm Ruby.
I've been here like a thousand times.
I just thought you might remember.
‐Mister C, she's here.
‐I'm sure he's busy. I can just hang out in the‐‐
‐He's been waiting for you.
‐Ohh! Well.
That fills my soul with dread!
Just kidding.
Okay, here I go. Wish me luck.
Scale of one to ten, how mad would you‐‐
‐Affection, Attraction, and Love.
No guarantees. It's love, not a used Buick.
[Cupid] [into phone] Listen, Bernie, what can I say?
Love stinks. People get hurt.
You gotta admit, a lot of great songs come out of it.
So will you get off my back, please?
All right, I'll see you at the club on Tuesday.
[phone clanks]
A brawl!
‐It was really more of a skirmish.
‐A brawl!
A brawl! You turned a Level Three date into a brawl?
‐How did you‐‐?
‐[magical chimes] ‐It's trending.
‐Great. She's here. ‐Hi.
[Cupid] You wanna take over the bow and arrow?
Huh? You better shape up.
‐Truth.
‐Ruby, this job isn't easy.
It never has been,
and it's not gettin' any easier.
Love has gotten lazy lately.
You got dating apps, uh. reality TV.
I don't even recognize the planet anymore.
‐Argh! But Cupid, you are so good at what you do.
You are way too young to retire.
‐Nah, nah, I'm getting old. I still look good.
‐You do. ‐Oh, like a fox.
‐I do. I look very good lately.
But these people.
They're‐‐ they're fickle, impatient, selfish.
Love shouldn't be like that.
And you.
Want to take over the reins of this operation, huh?
Well, I don't think you have the stomach for it.
‐She doesn't. ‐I do!
I love love!
When they find that person who completes them.
who makes them happy.
you know, who they were made for.
I am made for finding that one person for everyone,
and this job is made for me.
‐That's not what her numbers say, though.
‐You're right.
Your numbers are low. They have been for a long time.
‐It's tough out there. Right?
No one believes in soulmates.
No one believes in love at first sight.
Wh‐‐ no one even believes in true love!
‐In the old days, you fell in love,
it was forever.
Of course, you only lived 'til 35, so it was tolerable.
Things are different now.
I think you're too sensitive for this kind of work.
‐Too sensitive for love? Come on!
‐All right.
All right, I'll give you one more chance.
‐What? ‐What?
‐No‐‐ no. What a‐‐ what a great idea.
[inhales] Merciful is what you are.
‐Yes, I am. ‐Thank you, Cupid.
Just you wait, all right.
I'm gonna be turning those numbers upside down.
The world is gonna be romantic again.
‐I'm not asking you to set the world on fire.
Just make one person fall in love.
And I've got the perfect case for ya.
‐Oh. A case from the X‐Files .
‐If you can find romance for this guy,
then you are worthy of being the god of love.
Charlie Conrad. College professor.
We call him "the anomaly".
He's unmatchable.
‐But there's someone for everyone.
‐Not this guy.
‐[Ruby] But he seems nice. ‐[glass clattering]
[Philomena chuckling]
[Cupid] I could show you 50 more clips just like that.
Every opportunity for romance seems to go wrong.
Either his timing is off. or he's trying too hard.
Right now, I think he's given up trying altogether.
‐Poor guy.
‐Poor you.
This is your last chance.
You've got until Christmas Eve.
‐Got your holidays mixed up, don't you?
‐You think that's funny, huh?
‐No.
‐You know the last time I had a Christmas vacation?
1472.
1472, the last Christmas I saw my family,
Christmas tree, presents, eggnog.
I want a Christmas vacation.
‐You deserve a Christmas vacation, sir.
‐I do! Philomena, go along
and assist her. ‐Sir!
‐When the clock strikes midnight on Christmas Eve,
you will either take my place as the god of love.
or you won't. Now get out of here.
‐Thank you.
[lively music]
‐[magical chimes] ‐[Kyle screams]
‐Boo. ‐[Kyle screams]
[laughs]
‐Really professional.
If you could just try not to traumatize the mortals.
[Philomena] Mm. You teaching me about professionalism?
That is hilarious.
‐I know you're here to assist me,
but I'd rather work alone.
Okay, this job's going to be a piece of cake.
I just‐‐ I just need to find the target.
‐Target acquired.
[clicks tongue]
[Ruby] Huh.
[Philomena] So, what's the plan?
You gonna chat him up?
Ask him what he's looking for in a soul mate?
Give him a "What's your type?" survey?
‐Nope. That's the old me, okay?
No more hopeless romantic Ruby.
Say hello to I‐mean‐business Ruby.
Hm.
[gasps] Bingo.
[magical chimes]
‐Hm. I'm impressed.
Maybe you have changed.
‐Hi.
‐I'm sorry. What?
‐You gotta‐‐ ‐[Charlie] Oh.
I, uh. oh, man.
It's, uh, I always drop these things.
‐[Charlie groans] ‐[Lucy] Ow!
‐Oh, no! Oh, no! ‐[Lucy] Argh!
‐Oh.
‐Are you serious?
[Charlie] Oh, man. I'm so sorry.
Can I at least pay for your dry cleaning?
[paper rustles]
Oh, man. Oh, those are tests!
Oooh‐‐ ooh.
[screams]
‐Oh, yes! Yes!
Oh, that was amazing. [laughs]
‐Oh, my god. I need to.
‐No.
[laughs]
[Ruby] Oh!
Here, let me help.
Come on.
Oooh! Ooh, watch your step.
Okay.
You okay?
‐Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm good.
Thanks. Just, uh.
fell in the thing.
‐Yeah. I saw.
‐[chuckles] Yeah.
You and everybody else on campus.
[Students chuckling]
‐Nothing to see here, folks.
Just a grown man who can't seem to make it through a semester
without fallin' in the fountain.
‐Oh, this has happened before?
‐It's a sore subject.
Rather not talk about it, really.
Ooh.
[sighs deeply] It's cold, right?
‐Aah, it's winter. Almost Christmas.
‐Oh, right.
‐[magical chimes] ‐Here you go.
‐Where'd you get this?
‐Always be prepared. That is my motto.
I'm Ruby.
‐Good motto.
[chuckles]
Well, I gotta go.
Really only so much humiliation I can take
in one day at one time.
And, well, I think I might be freezing to death, so.
‐Okay. Keep it. Early Christmas present.
‐Thanks. [laughs]
‐Welcome.
‐Yeah, new towel. Pink. Really brings out my eyes.
‐Oh, yeah.
‐Okay, bye.
‐See you around, Charlie.
‐What a nerd.
‐He's sweet.
‐Good luck finding someone who agrees with you by Christmas.
Twelve days, Ruby. Clock is ticking.
[magical chimes]
[school bell ringing]
‐So without a solid working knowledge of history,
history is doomed to repeat itself.
And if we realize that we didn't treat people well,
or if we realized that, you know,
maybe there's a better way to do these things,
we can do it better the next time.
[Gina] Yeah, yeah. I'm kind of confused‐‐
‐Hey, Gina. I was‐‐ ‐Todd!
I'm having a conversation.
So I was‐‐ ‐[Ruby] Hi, excuse me.
Can I talk to you guys?
I have a few questions about Charlie.
‐Who's Charlie? ‐She means Professor Conrad.
‐Are you a cop? ‐She looks like a cop.
‐Um. I'm wearing pink.
I'm, uh. I'm a reporter. And I'm‐‐ I'm writing a story
and I'm looking for some background.
‐On Professor Conrad?
Not to be mean, but he isn't exactly the kind of person
you would write an article about.
‐Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
‐Whatever background he has, I promise you it is boring.
‐Well, maybe not looking like a cop is your whole thing.
I'm onto you. cop.
‐Hi. You look like a bright young man.
What can you tell me about Charlie?
‐I mean, he's‐‐ he's like a teacher.
It's not like we hang out.
‐Yeah.
‐He's nice, I guess, but kind of unreasonable?
Like when I tell him I don't have my project
because my life has been so extra right now?
And he gives me an extension,
but it's not really enough of an extension.
And then he doesn't even like, try to understand
that I have a lot going on right now.
But, you know, nice.
‐Nice.
‐I like that he doesn't pretend to know my name.
None of the teachers know my name.
But Professor Conrad doesn't pretend like he does.
‐I'll remember your name.
What's your name?
‐Well, as far as teachers go,
he's probably like, my second favorite,
but that's really just because I hate history.
Like, I hate it.
[Samantha] Why are you yelling?
‐I'm expressing myself.
‐Do you need a hug?
‐[magical chimes] ‐Hi, Charlie!
‐Oh! Whoa, hey.
You're, uh. you gave me
[over computer] the pink towel.
‐Yeah. Mm‐hm, that's me, Ruby.
‐Right. Well, hi again. ‐[Ruby] Hi.
Charlie, I have the offer of a lifetime for you.
‐Oh? What do you mean? Selling essential oils?
‐I hear they're really great, but no, no.
I'm here to help you.
‐Help me what?
‐Fall in love.
‐Hmm, wow, that sounds fun, but. not really in the market.
So nice seeing you again.
‐You know, it's nice to see you too!
See, Charlie, I'm what you could call a matchmaker.
‐Ah, so you want me to pay you to fix me up?
‐For you, totally free. ‐Mm.
So you're a matchmaker for charity cases?
‐Yes! But I can see by your face that's a bad thing.
So, no.
[over computer] No, I‐I.
I‐I can just help you be happy.
‐Yeah, thanks but no thanks.
‐But. but you're lonely.
D‐don't you want love? Everybody wants love.
‐No, not me. I've retired.
‐But don't you want a sweetheart to spend Christmas with?
‐No, I do not want that.
You seem nice.
‐Oh.
‐You helped me out of the fountain.
‐Gave you a towel.
‐Gave me a towel. But.
not to be rude, but. you're kind of freaking me out.
‐Oh. ‐Yeah. Yeah.
So, if you stop walking, I'll keep walking and‐‐
and‐‐ and we can just.
‐I don't want to freak you out.
‐Yeah, thanks. ‐Yeah, yeah.
Okay. ‐[Charlie] Bye.
‐Oh, see you around, Charlie.
[Charlie] Yup, okay.
‐Man!
[exhales]
[dog barking in distance]
[magical chimes]
‐Okay, Charlie. We need to talk.
[screams]
‐Why are you in my house?
‐Because I mean business.
‐Well, that is terrifying.
Look, I don't have any money. I'm a teacher.
‐What? No, I'm‐‐ I'm freaking you out again.
I'm Ruby. Remember?
With the‐‐ ‐Ah. oh, yes!
Wait! The towel. Hold on. Hold on.
Aaaah.
Ah! Here. Here, take‐‐
[magical chimes]
‐I don't want the towel.
[Charlie gasps]
[Charlie yells in fear]
[Ruby sighs]
[lamp smashes]
‐Charlie!
That lamp was like the nicest thing in here.
[sighs]
Can we dial this down a notch?
‐No!
Help!
[Charlie groans and thuds to floor]
‐Oh.
[grunting]
[screaming]
‐I think I might have used the wrong tactic here.
Can we start over?
[chuckles] Okay, good.
Ahh.
‐What is going on?
‐So this is gonna sound weird, but.
have you heard of Cupid?
‐Cupid?
Like, as in. Valentine's Day Cupid?
‐Yes! But he's Cupid every day.
‐Oh, okay. ‐[Ruby] Yeah.
I've never told a mortal before,
but I only have 11 days.
So gloves are coming off, Charlie.
‐But you‐you're not gonna hit me, right?
‐Oh, no, no, no. I'm‐‐ I'm not gonna hit you.
I'm not gonna hit you. Okay?
I‐I'm about to tell you a really big secret.
And I need you to prepare yourself.
‐Okay.
‐I work for Cupid. And if things go well,
I'm going to move into his position
and become the god of love, if you can believe it.
Or I guess, the goddess of love.
I guess you could say I'm a Cupid in training.
‐That is fascinating.
‐[giggles] Yes.
‐What are the job requirements for something like that?
‐Well.
hey!
[running footsteps]
[magical chimes]
‐[door slams] ‐[Charlie] Ooh!
[door hinges creak]
[loud thud]
‐Oops.
Feeling better?
‐Before you broke into my house and beat me up? No.
‐Beat you up is a bit of an exaggeration.
I was trying to explain to you when you flipped out.
‐Yeah, well, I've recently sustained a head injury.
So please recap. You're, uh, Cupid?
‐His apprentice.
‐Mm. Fat baby in a diaper with wings?
‐Well, he's not a baby anymore.
And for obvious reasons,
HR convinced him to start wearing pants a long time ago.
But yeah.
‐So you're like a goddess. ‐Oh, no.
‐No? [chuckles] ‐No, no.
Oh, no. Demigod, magical immortal,
interfering in the lives of humans,
that kind of thing.
‐[laughs] Ruby the Immortal.
‐My real name is Cherub. But Ruby just has more zing.
Don't you think? ‐Way more zing, yeah.
And, um, I'm sorry, but you're bothering me why?
‐I'm helping you.
Helping you find love.
‐O‐kay. Great. Well, I'm a little tired, uh,
so I'm going to go to bed. But you can call me tomorrow,
and we'll schedule a little love‐finding session.
‐No time.
We're on a ticking clock here.
I have until midnight on Christmas Eve
to make you fall in love.
‐Uh, Christmas isn't even your holiday.
‐I know. It's a little arbitrary, but
what are you gonna do?
‐Why me?
‐Well, because, according to Cupid,
you are the most romantically hopeless person on Earth.
‐[scoffs] On Earth? Out of everyone? Really?
Like not even just the state of Virginia,
but like all the states everywhere,
and all the countries?
‐Yeah.
‐Wow! I've reached an all‐new low.
[laughs] I just let the opinion of an imaginary flying baby
hurt my feelings.
‐You still don't believe me, do you?
‐No. No. That you're a magical cherub? Not at all.
‐Okay. We have to fix that.
‐No.
‐This might be a little unnerving.
‐Wait, wait, wait, what?
[magical chimes]
‐[Charlie gasps] ‐Take a look around.
‐Wha. ‐What do you see?
‐I'm in my underwear!
[Ruby] Possibility!
The possibility of love around every corner.
Hey, hey, could she be the one?
What about her? What about him?
The world is full of romantic possibilities.
‐Did‐‐ did you drug me? How did you get me here?
‐No wonder you don't believe in love.
You don't believe in magic.
‐This is insane!
Cupid is not real!
He's an antiquated idea
that was repackaged by the marketing department
of some greeting card company. ‐[siren wails]
‐Oh!
‐Uh‐oh, fuzz! ‐[police car door closes]
‐Hey, be cool.
‐Uh, ma'am, is this man bothering you?
‐She's bothering me.
She's a witch or she's magic or something!
‐You think you're dressed appropriately
to be in a public area?
‐Well, I'm. obviously, Officer,
if I'd known that I was going to be magically transported,
I would have put on pants.
‐Okay, why don't you calm down and come with me, all right?
‐I can get you out of this, Charlie.
‐No, ma'am. You can't.
‐Oh, okay.
[whispered] I totally can.
[Police officer] Sir, don't make this difficult.
‐Just promise you'll try and find love.
‐I'm not gonna promise anything! I just want to go home!
‐Okay, so we'll do it the hard way.
[Charlie] I don't want to fall in love.
I got my classes and my books.
And that's all I need!
‐Good to know, pal.
‐I have until Christmas Eve to convince you you're wrong.
‐Ma'am, can you please step back?
‐Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. I give up.
‐Say it!
Say "I promise I'll do whatever Ruby wants me to,
so I can find love and be happy!"
‐Fine, fine. I promise I'll do whatever Ruby wants me to do
so I can find love and be happy.
‐Wow, we got a couple of real romantics here.
‐But on one condition:
I'm not gonna have you tricking me into falling in love.
No. Magic.
‐Sure, pal. No magic.
‐You're really tying my hands here, Charlie.
[Charlie] Promise, or no deal!
‐Okay, no magic.
‐Don't worry, Romeo.
Everything's gonna be just fine. ‐[magical chimes]
[dramatic music]
‐[birds chirping] ‐[door opens]
[approaching footsteps]
[exhales]
‐[magical chimes] ‐Hi!
‐Aah! [sighs] Would you please
stop popping up everywhere like that?
It's really disconcerting.
‐I certainly don't want you disconcerted,
but we don't have time for another little flip‐out, do we?
Charlie, you promised.
‐I have class, Ruby. I teach.
See, that's what I do. That's my job.
Kind of like your job is breaking into people's houses
and harassing them until they agree
to let you set them up on dates.
‐Yeah, well, that's not a fair assessment.
‐Fine.
Do your little romance experiment
after I'm done working, okay? That's the deal.
‐Well, how long will that be?
‐I'll tell you what, go into that building right there,
talk to my boss, tell her you work for Cupid,
and that I need some vacation days
so that we can go on the hunt for my perfect person.
I'm sure that'll go great for you.
[magical chimes]
‐Hi!
‐[screams] Why did you roll up on me like that?
You just made me pee a little. [sighs]
Terry! Terry! ‐[approaching footsteps]
‐How did‐‐
‐Okay, how did she get in my office?
‐How did you‐‐ ‐You know what?
Always on top of it, right, Terry?
Out!
Something wrong with that boy.
‐Are you Charlie's boss?
‐Does he work at this institution?
‐[Ruby] Yes. ‐Then I'm his boss.
‐My name is Ruby Valentine, and I need your help.
‐[magical tinkle] ‐[Ruby] This won't hurt a bit.
[arrow strikes with a tinkle]
‐[laughs] Girl, I got you.
‐So in light of that perspective,
I'm curious to know what
your thoughts are. ‐[door opens]
‐Charlie!
Oh, hi. [chuckling]
‐What are you doing here?
‐I did what you said. I talked to your boss.
‐I'm sorry, you did what?
‐Hey! Look at all your fresh, young faces.
Just learnin' and growin' and gettin' smarter. [laughs]
I feel good! Y'all feel good?
[laughing]
‐Hi. Dean Wozniak!
‐Hi. ‐Oh.
Charlie. Charlie‐Charlie‐Charlie.
[giggles] Oh, honey, please don't ever wear
that shirt again. That is an ugly shirt.
Oh, mm‐mm. No.
‐Is there something that I can help you with?
[Dean Wozniak] You sure can.
Do you see this beautiful, intelligent woman right here?
Ain't she pretty?
‐Um, well, I‐‐
‐She's cute.
‐Super hot.
‐I don't see it.
‐[Charlie] Okay, okay. ‐This young lady. uh,
what's your name again, sweetie?
‐Ruby Valentine. ‐Ruby Valentine! Yes.
‐That's the most amazing name I've ever heard.
‐I'm a visiting professor,
and I'm here to oversee Charlie and correct him
whenever he's wrong about stuff.
And she's the boss and says I can be here all the time
and do anything I want. Right?
‐Right, right. I'm the boss.
Yes. She can be here anytime she wants,
she can be here as long as she wants,
and do what she wants.
I have spoken! Yes. [laughs]
Well, I'm gonna go take a nap,
'cause whoo, I feel wonderful. Don't y'all feel wonderful?
Did I say that already? I don't know. [laughs]
I just feel good.
And that's an ugly shirt. Ooo, child, that's an ugly shirt.
Don't wear that tomorrow. ‐[door closes]
‐What was that? What are you doing?
‐My job. ‐No, no.
That's what I'm doing.
What you're doing is called stalking.
‐She's way too hot to be stalking you.
‐Truth.
‐You guys are so nice.
‐Oh! You're that cop. [laughs]
‐No. ‐[Patrick] I knew it.
‐And that's how Napoleon and Josephine fell in love.
‐So beautiful.
‐I have to say this is the first I've ever found history
interesting in my life.
‐Okay, okay. That's great. That's great.
Can we all now get back to the reason
that we're actually here, in the first place?
‐Absolutely. Thank you
for keeping us on track. ‐[Charlie clears throat]
‐Who here thinks Charlie is dateable?
‐Whoa! ‐Show of hands.
‐No, thi‐thi‐this is totally inappropriate.
Do not answer this‐‐
‐He's cute. But there's a lack of effort happening here.
‐Agreed. I mean, did you sleep in those clothes?
‐You should pay more than six dollars
for a haircut.
‐And you can be a bit.
abrasive.
‐All right! ‐See?
‐That's a real turnoff, Professor Conrad.
‐[gasps] Step one in finding you love
should be a makeover. ‐Yeah, I'm not doing that.
‐You promised. Okay, whatever it takes.
The quicker you find love,
the quicker I'll be out of your life.
[Patrick] I don't get it.
What are you guys talking about?
‐Class project! I'm gonna need all your help.
I'm a bit out of the loop with modern dating
and Charlie here needs all the help he can get.
‐We're trying to set Professor Conrad up
like on a date?
‐More than that! Love.
[Gina] Love is a myth.
It's simply our brain chemistry tricking us
to propagate the species.
‐Thank you, Gina.
‐Okay, you're my next project, but let's stay focused, okay?
We have ten days to find love for Charlie.
I'm open to any and all suggestions. Go!
[Raif] I mean.
there's like a thousand apps.
‐Ooh, apps.
Applications on the computer. Intriguing.
Uh, personally, I've always avoided them.
You know, I like to take a more hands‐on approach,
but desperate times call for desperate measures.
‐All right, class is over.
‐What about your dating profile?
‐Multiple photos and a bio?
Are you sure you're ready for this level of self‐marketing?
‐And don't forget photo touch‐ups.
Trust me. I don't think you want to post
an unedited photo.
‐They're right. We need their help.
‐They have other classes.
‐No, I'm‐‐ I'm free.
‐I can skip.
‐This is way more interesting.
[wind blowing]
[Natalie] Build?
‐Skinny?
‐Frail?
[Patrick] He's got some tone to him, but
it wouldn't kill you to hit the gym.
‐So, athletic.
‐Let's not get crazy.
[Gina] He's tall.
‐Boom. ‐That means a lot.
‐It means everything.
Can't we just put that he's tall
and leave out all the personality bits?
‐Wow. This is a new level of humiliation for me,
so thanks for that, guys.
‐Oh, toughen up.
[Emily] So what are your interests?
‐And let's stay away from the boring ones, shall we?
‐You know what, I really don't need you guys
to make a dating app for me.
‐It's actually a dating profile, and yes, you do.
‐Well, whatever it's called,
I don't need it, I don't want it.
So you guys can just do whatever you want to do.
I don't care.
Bye.
‐Oh, you should add that he's fiery and passionate.
‐[Natalie] Oh. ‐[Gina] Ooh, I like that.
‐I don't get it.
What kind of person doesn't want to fall in love?
‐The damaged kind.
‐Oh, no, no, no. Put that, put that.
We love damage.
‐All done.
[Chloe] That's really good.
You know, if I saw that, I would actually think
he's kind of cute.
[laughing]
Oh, which is gross.
[Ruby] Post it!
Any girl would look at this and want a date with Charlie.
‐Plus, it's cuffing season.
Standards are as low as they get all year.
‐Right. Wait, what?
Too high maintenance.
Too fun.
Too cool. ‐[soft tinkle]
‐Being a little picky, aren't we?
‐Okay, not that it's any of your business,
but I'm trying to find the right woman for him.
‐[gasping] Right.
The same way that you've always done it.
Taking your time, choosing nothing but the best candidates.
You want my advice?
‐Not really.
‐Ruby, you have to go all in.
Find him as many possibilities as you can.
This is a numbers game.
‐Oh, just match him with everyone willy‐nilly?
I'm not gonna do that. That's not how I operate.
‐Well, that's exactly why your job is on the line,
in the first place.
[chuckles] Same old Ruby, same old mistakes.
But, look, all right, whatever. I mean, what do I care?
Do it your way. I'm just trying to help you.
‐Philomena?
Do you know what cuffing season is?
‐You don't?
And you're next in line to be the God of Love?
Wow, I cannot. I will see you upstairs.
[soft tinkle]
‐Argh! Whatever.
Like. Like. Like. Like. Like.
[peppy music]
‐I can't believe I'm on a date with a teacher.
I mean, I feel like I just graduated.
‐Wh‐when exactly was that?
‐Oh, months and months ago.
‐Hmm.
[Skylar] This drink is delish!
[Charlie chuckling softly]
‐We're all gonna die someday.
So what's the point, right?
‐That's pretty dark.
‐I mean, look at us. Two lonely people
desperately seeking companionship
when in the end, we're all just gonna die alone.
‐Okay.
‐I don't want to waste your time
and I certainly don't want you wasting mine.
I want a husband. I want kids.
I want a big weddin'.
And I want a year‐long engagement with a big ring.
And if I want all of these things, which I do,
then I need to move quickly.
Could you see yourself proposing to me
in the next three to six months?
[Charlie gulping]
[glass thuds]
[Charlie exhales]
[Ruby scratching on paper]
[Leslie] So, this is Alfie.
He is so bad.
This is Josephine. ‐[Charlie laughing]
How many cats do you have?
[Leslie] Twelve.
There are five more outdoor babies but
they're not really mine, per se. ‐Hm.
‐You have a lot more women coming?
Because my shift is almost over.
‐More women?
‐Casanova has been here for hours.
[chatter in background]
‐I think she's just upset 'cause I've had four blind dates
and then all I've ordered is water.
[Leslie] Tonight?
‐[breathing deep] Christmas is in a week.
‐Don't want to be alone on Christmas?
‐Hm.
‐I get it. It's cuffing season.
‐You know, I don't know what that means.
And I'd be fine to be alone except that somehow
I've managed to become part of a giant cosmic bet.
See that woman over there
sliding down on her seat?
Yeah, that's Cupid.
Or Cupid's assistant. Hey, are you his assistant?
‐What?
‐Cupid set us up using a dating app?
‐[laughs] I know, right?
I told her she couldn't use any magic, though,
and she only has a week to make me fall in love by Christmas.
‐Don't you mean Valentine's Day?
‐That's what I said!
No. Christmas. [laughs]
Apparently, Cupid wants to spend the holiday on his boat
or something. I don't‐‐ ‐Charlie! You're talking crazy!
‐Cherub Valentine. That's her name.
But she goes by Ruby because it's got more zing.
Hey, disappear or shoot an arrow or something.
Show Laura your magic.
‐My name is Leslie. ‐Oh, what did I say?
[Waitress] Here you go. big spender.
‐Thank you. I detect your snark!
You know what? I'm leaving.
That's it for me. I am out of here.
And you're not getting 20 percent,
you're getting 15 max.
Leslie, I'm so sorry. You've been lovely.
This has nothing to do with you but I have to go.
‐He's a little high‐strung. [chuckles]
‐So, you really think you're Cupid?
‐Ah‐‐ do I look like a Looney Tunes?
I mean, like, here's my little bow and arrow. Pew!
Of course not.
I'm just really great at matchmaking.
Here, let me show you.
Ah.
I think that guy over there.
I think he might be the one.
Maybe I could introduce you.
‐Oh, my. Yes, please.
[magical tinkling]
‐What was that? We have a deal.
‐Well, the deal is dumb.
[Charlie chuckling]
Boring chitchat with women that you picked for me,
wearing clothes that you picked for me,
pretending to be some guy who's looking for love,
which I am not. ‐But why? Why, Charlie?
Why don't you want to find love?
‐You really want to know why? Okay, fine. I'll tell you.
I gave up.
Datin' and relationships,
it's just been one disaster after another.
Disappointments, heartbreak.
I don't know. I ju‐‐ I just got tired of it, okay?
And now I'm just me.
And I have finally gotten used to that.
And then you come around here messing with my head.
But I don't want to change.
I don't need you to change me.
[somber music]
[magical tinkle]
‐[sighs] Wow. That went well.
This is all your fault!
‐[gasps] Moi?
‐Yes. You told me I should play a numbers game!
That's why I chose all those random women. [gasps]
You did this on purpose.
‐Yeah, obviously. When you go down in flames,
who do you think the boss is going to turn to?
‐That is so not nice of you.
You are supposed to be helping me!
‐Oh, but instead, I'm helping me.
Whoops.
‐Well, maybe I'll tell Mister C about this, hm?
‐Yeah, you should do that, Ruby. Everybody loves a tattletale.
As a matter of fact, that's why I'm here.
Cupid wants to see you in his office, so‐‐
‐Cool. Amazing.
I've been meaning to pop up there anyway.
‐[Philomena] Oh, yeah? ‐ [Ruby] Mm‐hm.
‐I totally believe you.
‐It's true.
‐I know.
[soft tinkle]
I need to see the boss, stat‐‐ ‐He's kind of expecting me, so‐‐
[shouts]
[loud angry grunt]
[calming sigh]
[button pings]
[footsteps in background]
‐He'll see you now.
‐Just me though, right?
‐He said both of you.
[Philomena scoffs]
‐No, no, no. Ruby! ‐[soft clattering]
[Ruby groaning]
[clattering]
‐Really?
‐Hello, sir. I need to talk to you.
Philomena set me up. ‐[Philomena] No. No, no, no.
Don't listen to her. ‐[Ruby] She just wants
the promotion for herself! ‐She doesn't know
what she's doing! ‐[Ruby] She said that
how I do things is dumb‐‐
‐[overlapping arguments] ‐Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[sighing]
I could be on my boat.
You know, I have a boat. ‐[Both] In Boca.
‐Yeah.
‐Is that true, Philomena?
Did you try and sabotage Ruby's plan?
‐No! Kind of. I just didn't help her.
And you know what? Why should I?
I'm obviously the much better candidate for your job.
‐Rude!
[Cupid] No, she may be right.
It seems Philomena might be more willing to do
what needs to be done.
‐She does not care about love at all.
She doesn't care if a couple will be happy.
She's just pew, pew, pew with the arrows.
[Ruby] All over the place.
Yes, yes, yes, you do. ‐[Philomena] I do not pew, pew.
I do not pew, pew. ‐[Ruby] Pew, pew, pew.
‐All right, all right, all right.
Quiet, quiet, both of you.
You've already wasted half your time.
From where I stand,
the next six days don't look so promising.
‐I underestimated how difficult this case is, sir.
I'm going to need a lot more than magic
and I'm using any and all tools at my disposal, but.
‐But what?
‐I don't even know if he's gonna talk to me anymore.
[Philomena scoffs]
‐He was really upset about the whole.
‐Speed dating strangers?
[Cupid] Here's an idea.
Why don't you get to know him, huh?
Then you use that intel to get him a match.
Come on, you guys.
Do I have to do everything for you?
[soft music]
[magical tinkle]
‐[sighs] What's that for?
‐Don't tell me you don't like cupcakes.
‐I'm skeptical of magical beings bearing gifts.
‐It's a peace offering.
I'm sorry for pushing you into blind dates
and trying to change you.
‐Thanks for the cupcake.
‐You're welcome.
So I hate that I have to keep getting all up
in your business, but‐‐ ‐And yet, here we are.
‐I can't not do this. Making people fall in love,
it's what I do.
It makes me happy.
And. you may not know it, but you need my help.
I know you've had bad luck in the past,
but you can't just give up.
‐Bad luck doesn't even begin to describe it.
Uh, high school.
I got the flu, and I threw up on my prom date.
In college, one of my girlfriends stole my identity
and then proceeded to buy 14 flat‐screen TVs
on my credit card before she fled town.
I really liked her, too.
Graduate school, my girlfriend fell in love with my roommate
and then moved in with us.
‐Yikes.
‐Yeah. So, since then, for my own sanity,
and really as a public service,
I have decided to stay away from the whole,
like, love romance thing.
That is how I became the undatable man.
‐You're not undatable.
You're smart, sensitive, a great teacher.
And when you're not mad at me, you're really nice.
Plus, you're actually super cute.
‐Really?
Really? Super cute? ‐[chuckling] Yeah.
Oh, no, I, uh‐‐ ‐Super?
‐Just like a regular, just a normal amount of‐‐ of cute.
‐Mm. It sounds like you think I'm dreamy.
‐Maybe this is why you don't get compliments very often.
The point is, we need to find someone
who sees you the way I do.
‐And how do we do that?
‐Well, I need to know who I'm looking for.
And in order to figure that out.
‐Oh, boy.
‐.you gotta hang out with me.
We are on a mission, people.
We need to find the perfect person for Professor Conrad.
Leave no stone unturned!
Also, I just really need to know,
what is cuffing season?
Cuffing season is that time, usually October to March,
where people go looking for a boyfriend or
girlfriend for the holidays.
And because it's cold outside.
‐Yeah, that's kind of gross.
‐What? No! I‐‐ maybe I'm not explainin' it right.
See, if you're single for the holidays‐‐
‐You don't have anybody to invite to a family
Thanksgiving dinner, or get Christmas presents from,
or have a date for New Year's, Valentine's Day.
So cuffing season is actually intentionally
lowering your standards so as not to be alone
because that would be the real tragedy.
["Christmas in the Air" playing in the background]
‐It is kind of gross.
I don't mean to bother you guys,
but do you have a daughter?
‐Uh, excuse me. I have a very important and pressing
question for you.
Are you single?
‐And emotionally available?
♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪
♪♪ That's your favorite Time of year ♪♪
♪♪ And all around That kind of cheer is here ♪♪
♪♪ It's here it's here ♪♪
♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪
♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪
♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪
♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪
‐What are you doing for Christmas?
‐Same thing I always do.
Rent the same lake cabin every year.
‐What? By yourself?
‐Yeah, why not? I got my music, I got my books.
You know, Superman has his Fortress of Solitude.
‐It's more like a Shack of Sadness.
‐Wow. What does, uh. what does a yellow arrow do?
‐Yellow will make you notice someone.
Purple will make you feel all lovey and happy and dopey.
‐That's the one you used on my boss.
‐Then there's red. Red is for emergencies only.
It makes people do crazy things.
Whoo! Charlie, look!
[gasps]
Yeah! It's a sign from Cupid. We're on the right track!
‐It's a sign from the Tourism Bureau.
‐Hey. ‐Hm?
‐You're really good at your job.
‐I think you're probably really good at what you do too.
‐Thank you. I, uh, I appreciate hearing that.
I've just been having some trouble at work,
and I think my boss hates me, and‐‐
‐Hm. ‐I just need‐‐
I, um. Yeah. Uh.
‐Just to reiterate, this is magic.
You're not allowed to use an arrow on me or anybody else.
‐You know, you're really making this more difficult
than it needs to be, but I promised.
No magic.
[Charlie] So what about you?
Four days until Christmas.
You got a special someone?
‐I'm immortal.
‐Hm. Too long a commitment?
‐Funny guy.
I would imagine the dating pool
of dudes who live forever is pretty shallow.
‐It just doesn't work like that.
I get to make people fall in love,
but I just don't get to.
‐What?
Really?
Cupid's assistant‐‐
‐Apprentice.
‐Miss "I love love."
Miss "There's a perfect person for everybody."
You've never had a boyfriend?
‐Never been on a date. Never been kissed.
‐But I bet it's really nice.
‐[inhales deeply] I guess I finally found the one thing
we have in common.
‐You've never been kissed, either?
‐What? No.
Yes, yes. Yes. I've been kissed.
‐It's okay if you haven't. ‐No, I‐I‐I have been kissed.
I've‐‐ I have done the kissing, all right?
And also received the kissing.
Whatever! That's not what I meant.
I meant, it just seems like we've both
put our professional lives ahead of our personal lives.
[inhales deeply] That's the thing we have in common.
‐Sounds like I hit a nerve.
‐You didn't hit.
‐Hey, Gina. I‐‐
‐Oh. Hey, Todd.
‐Stop it!
‐I, uh. was wondering if you wanted to‐‐
‐Wait! Stop.
Oh, my god.
Who is that?
‐I know her.
She taught me Intro to Theatre.
‐She's totally his type.
And she's reading a book.
‐Lots of people read books.
‐I wish Ruby was here.
‐[magical chimes] ‐What's up?
‐Don't do that.
‐Meet Amber McCormick, professor of theatre.
She likes to read, especially the works of Jane Austen.
‐Good taste.
‐She's a romantic.
‐Pretty. ‐[scoffs] Pretty.
‐She's hot. Hot!
‐She's not uptight.
She's like, laid back.
She's not like, professor.
‐She's like‐‐ ‐Right.
‐Call me Amber. Like casual.
‐Oh, like boho.
‐Yes! Yes! ‐Oh, yeah, yeah.
‐So, what do you think?
‐What do you mean, what do I think?
What, I'm supposed to just look at this
and tell you if I would date someone?
‐[Gina] Yeah. ‐[Raif] Yeah.
‐No. No, no, no, no.
You need to talk to her. See if there's a spark.
Then you just need to follow your heart.
‐Follow my heart, huh? ‐Mm‐hm.
That's the key to all of this, Charlie.
Ooh! Brainstorm!
I know what we need. We need a meet‐cute.
‐[gasps] Yes, yes. ‐What's a meet‐cute?
‐All right, so what are we doing?
‐Okay. A meet‐cute is that part of the movie
where the girl and the boy meet for the first time,
and it's usually silly or awkward,
but it's just so darn cute.
‐That sounds pretty contrived to me.
‐Why do you ruin the things I love?
[exhales] Okay.
[clears throat] You said no magic, no arrows,
and I'm sticking to my promise despite how difficult
that makes everything‐‐
‐Well, good, because that was our deal.
‐But that means that you need to stop complaining for one second
and just get on board with this.
The goal, after all, is to make you happy.
‐Well, it's not working so far.
‐Okay, well, just wait. Just stay close.
Wait for my cue.
[footsteps]
[gasps] Perfect.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[students talking loudly]
‐Watch it happen.
[students talking loudly]
‐Oh. Oh, no. ‐Go, help her. Go.
‐Can I help you?
[Charlie and Amber groaning in pain]
‐Oh.
[Charlie and Amber groaning in pain]
‐Oh, my nose! ‐My head.
‐Ow! Oh god. Are you okay?
I'm so sorry.
‐You're bleeding.
‐Ohh. Uh, I'm fine. [soft chuckle]
‐Are you sure?
‐You did it, Charlie. You got a date.
‐Yeah. She probably only agreed to go out with me
because she felt bad for maiming me.
‐No. She liked you. And it was, uh, charming.
‐Oh, sure it was.
‐I mean it.
You showed vulnerability. We like that.
‐Hmm.
[Ruby laughs]
Ah! Hey, hey. No, no. Not that, no.
[soft music]
‐What do you think?
Super cute?
‐Yeah, actually.
[chuckles]
Oh, come here.
Let me, um, fix this.
‐I'm kinda nervous.
‐Why?
‐Well, I haven't done this in a while.
You know, the whole "date" thing.
With my track record, there's a really good chance
that before the end of the night,
I'll end up in the emergency room.
‐Wrong attitude, Charlie. Just be yourself.
‐Right. What'd you call me? Romantically hopeless?
Even Cupid doesn't think I can do this.
‐You're not hopeless. I think you're really great.
‐I think you're.
really great too.
‐What do I know? I'm just a.
figment of some marketing guy's imagination.
‐Right.
‐Good luck on your hot date.
[nervous chuckle]
[magical chimes]
‐So, you got him a date.
Amazing.
‐It's a start.
‐What happened to love at first sight?
‐It's not that‐‐ but love can grow, too.
What's wrong with you?
You should be all annoyingly peppy and gloating.
Your guy has a date.
‐Yeah. It's great.
And they're probably perfect for each other.
‐Probably? What's with the probab‐‐
No way!
Are you kidding me? You like him?
‐Shh! What? No! ‐Oh, yes you do!
You're pathetically [scoffs] transparent.
Gross. ‐I don't like him!
I just. I think he's nice.
‐Ruby!
You're an immortal.
He's just some dude with no fashion sense.
You have magical powers.
He. falls down a lot.
‐I know!
It's just. you'll probably only make fun of me.
‐Yeah, probably.
‐It's just that I've made it happen so many times.
I've seen how they react.
I just kind of wish I could have that feeling of.
falling in love, too.
‐[sighs] You know what you should do?
‐Hmm?
‐You should tell him how you feel.
‐You think?
‐Oh, absolutely. Yes!
Just get it all on the table. Talk about your feelings.
Tell him how much you like him.
It's healthy. You'll feel better.
‐Okay, you!
You're just trying to sabotage me.
Don't worry, Philomena,
I'm not going to do anything to mess this up.
I'm getting the Cupid job!
‐We'll see.
I have a feeling you'll figure out a way to blow it.
‐What's your favorite thing about‐‐
‐[gasps] Ugh! ‐Oh!
[Ruby snorts]
[Philomena] He's so dumb.
‐[whispers] No.
‐I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Well, she hates me.
‐People spill coffee all the time.
‐Hmm? Do they, though?
‐Okay.
Maybe not all the time, but it's happened before.
‐I, uh‐‐ I guess we both survived, didn't we?
‐It's funny how we met. Don't you think?
Almost like out of a movie.
‐Yeah. It's called a meet‐cute.
I know it's called a meet‐cute.
I‐I can't believe you know it's called a meet‐cute!
‐Yeah. [chuckles]
‐It's almost like someone up there
is shoving us together.
‐Ah. Hmm. Mm‐hm.
Yeah, it's almost like that.
‐I had a nice time, Charlie. I'd like to see you again.
‐Oh. Seriously?
‐I‐I mean, if you don't want to‐‐
‐No, I, yeah‐‐ I mean, y‐yes. I would.
Sorry. Yes, I totally would.
I just‐‐ uh, I thought I was pretty boring.
‐[scoffs] Okay.
Yes, you‐‐ you were a little boring.
[Charlie scoffs]
‐I mean, you talked about history for a long time.
‐Uh. yeah, sorry.
I guess, you know, it's just, uh, it's what I'm‐‐
‐I think it's just that we're both nervous.
We'll do better next time.
‐Okay.
Yeah. Deal.
[door slams]
‐[magical chimes] ‐So how'd it go?
‐[Charlie gasps] ‐[clattering]
‐Argh!
Could you please stop breaking into my house?
‐I don't break anything.
‐No! You don't, I do.
You poof or pop or bibbity boo, or whatever it is that you do,
into my private residence, and I get startled,
and I break things.
‐I don't bibbity bobbity boo.
‐I'm a teacher.
I can't afford to buy new things.
‐Sorry.
So how'd it go?
‐Just fine. It was good.
‐Well, which is it?
Because fine is very different than good.
‐It was fine, and, uh‐‐ then it got better.
‐So, you. like her?
‐She's nice.
‐Because the clock is ticking.
‐Yeah, yeah. I know. You're in a hurry to move on.
We have a date tomorrow night, so.
We'll see.
Goof on outta here.
All right. You're gonna have an hour with this,
which should be plenty of time, if you studied.
‐You're not gonna tell us how it went?
‐Oh, we absolutely need details.
‐Was it a love connection?
[Emily] Are you going to see her again?
‐Did you spill anything?
‐Ha, ha, ha. It was, uh, it was good.
Dunno yet. We have a date tomorrow night.
And yes, I did spill something, coffee.
But, good news is, not on her.
[Chloe clapping]
‐All right. Anyway, good luck.
Soon as you're done, you can leave.
And uh, safe travels and have a great Christmas, you guys.
‐You can't possibly believe
that we're gonna leave before Christmas Eve.
‐Like we would come this far and then not see how it ends up?
‐What do you mean?
‐The bet?
You have to fall in love by Christmas Eve or.
well, something happens.
‐Yeah, I'm not really clear on the consequences.
‐We wanna see if you make it.
‐Don't you guys wanna go home and see your families?
‐[chuckles] After all the work that I've put into this project,
do you think I'm just gonna walk away?
‐Professor Conrad, we're invested in this.
‐I'm not convinced it's going to happen,
but I'm definitely sticking around to see.
‐Plus, the Christmas Eve
gala is super fun!
‐[sighs] Great. Just great.
[soft music]
[Cupid] Hey!
[snaps fingers] You with me?
‐Yes, of course.
‐So, Philomena says you have this
whole thing wrapped up, huh?
‐Yeah. It's looking good.
‐Care to expound? Is he in love?
‐No! Not yet.
You know, we don't want to rush into anything.
‐Rush into anything?
You got three days.
Three days until Christmas.
I'm gonna have my Christmas, Ruby.
‐I'm just not entirely, totally certain
that she's the one.
‐You're not?
‐Yeah.
‐You're not by any chance
having any feelings for this guy, are you?
‐What? No. [scoffs] No, that's crazy.
‐Because you know that you're not allowed to‐‐
‐I know. It can't happen.
I just want him to be happy.
That's all.
[knock on door]
‐Professor Conrad.
‐You, uh, heading out for the break?
‐Oh, yes, I'm trying to head out right now.
Tomorrow is the Christmas gala,
and then two beautiful weeks student‐free.
Just me, my kids, and my boo.
‐Uh, it sounds nice.
‐Hmm. You have any plans?
‐I‐I‐I really don't have "a boo", or a family,
uh, so I usually just spend Christmas Day
volunteering at a soup kitchen. And then, I think this year‐‐
I think I'm gonna go up to the lake
and spend some alone time.
‐Okay, that sounds depressing.
[laughs] Something you need?
‐Oh, I‐‐ look, I don't wanna keep you.
‐You know what? Too late.
What do you want?
‐Right. Um.
do you remember Ruby?
The girl that you said could be in my classroom all the time?
Oh. The visiting professor, or something.
What about her? ‐Yeah. Well, the thing is,
uh, we're from two completely different worlds.
And we have nothing in common.
And she's always pushing me to be different‐‐
‐[chuckles] You like her.
‐I don't know.
There's this other girl.
Um, she's smart and pretty, and we have a lot in common.
‐Professor Conrad, let me tell you
a little something about love.
See, love will have you thinkin' about 'em all the time.
Love will have you gettin' that knot in your stomach
whenever you're around 'em.
Love will have you goin' to bed at night
thinking about 'em, and waking up in the morning
and hoping you see 'em. See, sometimes with love,
you just gotta go with it.
Life is too short to settle for anyone
or anything that doesn't make you feel like that.
‐But.
Ruby and I don't make sense.
‐[laughs] Ah! Love don't make sense.
You just gotta follow your heart.
‐Follow my heart.
You're the second person to tell me that this week.
‐Well, it's good advice.
Now, if it's all right with you,
and now that I've solved all your love problems‐‐
I wanna go home!
‐Yes! Sure. Sorry. ‐[Dean Wozniak] Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow at the gala.
‐I'll see you tomorrow night.
‐Okay. Bye‐bye. [laughs]
‐Wow. Looks good.
‐Yeah, well, the show is tomorrow night so‐‐
[Amber smacks lips]
‐Cool. ‐You know,
directing the university Christmas Eve gala
is my favorite part of the year.
‐Yeah. It's exciting.
‐Would you maybe. wanna be my date?
I know it's Christmas Eve,
and you probably have family to see.
‐Oh, no. Um, nope.
Uh, I mean. [sighs] just me.
So, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I would love to come tomorrow night.
‐Okay. Great.
‐I'm‐‐ I'm so sorry. [sighs]
But I‐I‐I just remembered that I‐I've got,
um, I've got this thing that I gotta go.
‐Okay.
‐There's something I have to do.
‐Uh, okay.
‐Uh‐‐ sorry, but, but, um, tomorrow night.
Big show, I'm there.
Or here.
‐Is it. is it something I said?
‐No, no, no!
Nothing you said or did or anything at all.
You're amazing. I just. I‐I gotta go do a thing.
But I'll see you tomorrow night.
‐[door slams] ‐[Charlie] Ruby!
Ruby! Hey!
Ruby! We need to talk. ‐[magical chimes]
‐What was that?
‐Did you just run away from her? ‐No, no. I just‐‐
‐That was not very gentlemanly. ‐I know. I'm sorry.
‐I thought you liked her! ‐I like you!
‐You do?
‐Afraid so.
‐But you're not supposed to like me!
This was not a part
of the plan, Charlie. ‐No, I know. I know.
I‐I didn't mean to do it.
But‐‐ but when I'm at dinner with her,
I'm thinking about you.
Coffee, you. I‐I go to kiss her goodnight
and all I can think about is kissing you.
‐This is bad.
‐Uh. that's not the response I was hoping for.
‐[sighs] Um. This can't happen.
If‐‐ if I've done anything to make you think that I‐‐
‐No. Uh, no.
I mean, I. I mean, I thought‐‐ I thought you liked me.
‐I think that‐‐ you and‐and Amber
make a‐a really great couple.
‐Um. [chuckles]
Yeah.
Yeah. Um.
I'm a little embarrassed.
So, um. if you don't mind.
‐Yeah.
[magical chimes]
‐[peppy music playing] ‐[guests chattering]
[Amber laughs]
‐Hey, Amber.
‐You came.
I wasn't sure you'd make it.
The way you left last night.
‐Yeah, yeah. I'm‐I'm sorry about that.
Uh, just, uh, there was something
I needed to take care of.
But it's done now.
And, uh, I'm really happy to be here with you.
‐Good.
Well, I got you a seat.
Or. you could watch it with me backstage?
‐Oh! All right. All right. Sounds like nice access.
‐I'm a big deal around here.
‐Apparently so. ‐Come on.
‐Hey, Gina.
‐Hey, Todd.
‐Mind if I sit with you?
‐[sighs] Look, Todd,
you're nice.
But you're a gym guy and I'm an intellectual.
And I'm just not into the whole dating thing.
If you can deal with that.
then you can sit with me.
‐Okay. [sighs]
[soft music]
[magical chimes]
‐God, you're depressing.
‐What? No, I'm not.
‐Why?
‐You've got it bad for Professor Nerd Alert down there.
‐It's gonna happen. I can tell.
And he's been resisting his feelings,
but he is falling for her.
‐So if it's not right, then break them up.
Just because you can't be with him
doesn't mean that she should.
‐Right. So you can get the promotion?
‐Do I want this job? Yes.
Will I do almost anything to get it?
Also, absolutely yes, but.
Something that you don't know about me.
I fell in love with a mortal once too.
‐Sure you did.
‐Okay. Believe me or don't.
But he was strong and handsome and a little crazy,
which I'm really into.
But I knew that it couldn't work.
So, even though it wasn't right for him,
I used a red arrow.
And who did he end up falling for?
Freakin' Cleopatra! That snake.
‐Cleopatra?
‐Yeah.
‐Are you talking about Mark Antony?
‐Oh, God no! Eww!
I would never fall for that emo pretty boy.
Julius Caesar!
He was a stone‐cold silver fox.
‐Whoa!
‐My point is‐‐ if I liked a guy
who I knew was about to end up with the wrong woman,
I would do what I could to stop it.
‐Students, faculty, friends, and family.
Welcome to our annual Christmas Eve gala.
Our students have quite a performance for us.
And I'm sure you're going to see something
very special.
And, without further ado,
let's get the show on the road.
[cheering and applause]
‐And three, two, one, cue.
[singing "Deck the Halls"]
‐♪♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪♪
♪♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪♪
‐I'm really happy you're here.
[chuckles]
‐[inhales] Me too.
["Deck the Halls" instrumental music playing]
‐No.
‐[magical chimes] ‐[grunts]
‐You. ‐Whoa.
‐.are one hot number. [chuckles]
‐Uh, um, th‐hanks. Uh, this.
This is Fred, the stagehand.
‐Stage manager. Stage manager. ‐Oh. Hi, Fred.
‐Did you look this way in rehearsals?
Something's changed, right?
Haircut, or I don't know, but it's working.
‐[sighs] Hi, I'm Charlie.
‐Uh. Hi, Charlie.
I'm kinda having a thing right here.
‐Mm. Well, we were too, until‐‐
‐[magical chimes] ‐[Fred] Oh. Excuse me.
What are you, uh, the boyfriend? [chuckles]
‐Well, um.
‐No.
‐Well, I mean, we're dating.
Yeah.
What's. I mean,
I don't really think it's any of your business.
‐No way.
Button‐up type, huh? [chuckles]
‐You seem a‐‐ a bit basic.
‐Yeah, we call that blue collar. [chuckles]
‐Oh. Okay.
‐Oh!
[chattering]
[Amber sighs, claps]
Thank you so much to these two gentlemen.
Uh, next we have
a beautiful dance select‐‐ ‐Hey.
I'm sorry, I know you're in the middle of this thing,
but, uh‐‐ ‐[chuckles]
‐What are you doing after this?
‐[Amber] [whispers] What?
‐[choir guy] Yeah. A couple of us are going to get breakfast.
And I will, like, totally buy you some pancakes.
‐Are you down? ‐Please welcome the dancers.
‐[applause] ‐Look. No, I'm serious.
Eggs? Bacon? Sausage?
My treat, come on!
‐That was. weird.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]
‐What was that?
‐I‐I‐I have no idea.
‐Yeah, man. That wasn't cool.
Quit hassling her.
What's up?
‐I wasn't hassling her, man! I was freaking wooing her!
‐[whispering] Shhh! There is a performance going on!
‐Woo this!
‐Okay, tough guy.
‐Yeah. Come on. Come on.
‐Hey! There is a performance going on.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[choir guy 1] So that's how it's gonna be? Come on. [grunts]
‐Seems like there's some kind of kerfuffle backstage.
‐Kerfuffle? Who talks like that?
‐Ezra does.
‐I'm Ezra.
You're Emily, and you are the prettiest girl at school.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]
‐What?
‐So, what are you doing later?
‐Hey!
Can you just give it a break?
‐Okay, who made you boss? You're backstage.
I'm the boss back here.
‐Kind of true.
‐See? You don't step to the big dog in his kingdom,
‐huh?
‐[panting] I think you're mixing your metaphors there, Fred.
‐[punch thrown] ‐[Charlie groans]
[audience gasp]
[fast‐paced music]
‐Well.
‐I'm so sorry.
I totally just ruined your dance.
Oh. Hi!
[audience laugh]
‐What in the world?
‐Wow. Great! Aren't these dancing people great?
[sighing] Okay. You‐you‐‐ you just keep dancing.
‐I don't think so.
[Charlie grunting]
[dance music playing]
[Charlie groans]
You're hurting me.
[Fred and Charlie grunts]
‐No, no, no.
[grunts]
[loud thud]
‐Oh, ho. ‐Oh, my god.
[chattering]
[Fred screams]
[chattering]
[Fred grunts]
Oh, yeah. Found you.
[Fred and Charlie grunting]
‐Not the trees. Not the trees.
Oh.
[gasps]
[audience laughing]
‐This is the most amazing show I've ever been to.
[door opens]
‐Ruby! ‐Oh, hey. 'Sup?
‐Don't play innocent with me.
You promised no magic, and you're in there
shooting off your little love arrows,
making everybody crazy!
‐You don't know that.
‐I do know that.
But I don't understand why!
I did everything that you me asked to do.
I put myself out there,
met somebody nice.
‐I'm sorry! I. I was jealous.
‐What?
‐You were right. What you said earlier.
There is something between us.
Um, I‐I think maybe I‐I might have possibly
developed some feelings for you.
‐You like me?
‐Yeah.
‐But you completely shut me down.
‐I know! I.
‐You said we couldn't be together.
‐We can't.
[sighs]
‐How am I supposed to take this?
I tell you that I like you,
and then you reject me. You sabotage my date,
and then you tell me, "Oh, no, just kidding,
I actually do like you, but no, no, no, never mind,
we don't have a future together."
What do you want from me?
‐I just. I want you to be happy.
‐I can't be happy.
Can't you see that?
Same thing over and over again.
Somethin' always goes wrong.
Somehow I thought you and I might be different.
but.
nothing ever changes.
[somber music]
[sighs]
‐Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, ya did it.
Look at you.
You get to move up to the big chair.
I get my Christmas.
Everybody's a winner.
Couldn't have been easy.
‐It wasn't.
Um. It‐‐ it isn't.
‐Congratulations, Ruby.
‐Hey, kid, what's the matter?
‐I. can't.
I. I can't take this job.
Not like this.
‐What do you mean?
‐What I did was wrong.
They're not right for each other.
And he deserves his perfect person.
They both do.
You were right. You were right.
What you said in the beginning:
I‐I don't have the stomach for this.
shoving people together just so they're not alone.
It's. it's why people have stopped looking
for their person. They.
they don't believe in love.
I just can't be a part of that.
‐You know what this means, don't you?
‐I lose my job.
‐Wait.
[groans]
Ruby's right.
‐I'm sorry?
‐They're not a good match.
Why are we putting people together
that don't belong together?
‐It's how it's done.
‐Maybe this job should be more than
random arrows flying around and us just hitting our numbers.
And. if you
don't believe that,
then maybe you should retire.
Just get on your stupid boat and sail away.
Look, I don't know who should be in charge,
but if you've given up on love, it shouldn't be you.
Those were a lot of words that I just said.
‐Since when did you become so romantic?
‐Ugh! It's a new development.
‐This discussion isn't over.
And you‐‐
‐What's going to happen to me now?
‐It ain't pretty.
I have to take away your powers.
‐Does it hurt?
‐It hurts later.
By the power vested in me as the God of Love,
I hereby rescind all your magical powers.
‐Is that it?
‐Yeah. Magic's weird. ‐Hmm.
‐Now for the hard part.
You have to be mortal.
‐Wait, you mean. ‐Of course.
What do you think happens when you get fired from a job
as a deity? Now.
you gotta pay taxes, you develop joint pains,
you gotta face the unknown. It's horrible.
Philomena.
please escort this human back to Earth.
We will discuss your little outburst later.
‐Yes, sir.
‐Oh, Ruby.
One more thing.
I'm proud of you.
‐You are? ‐Yeah.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up
for what you believe in.
You're gonna do just fine on Earth.
I gotta admit.
I'll miss your annoying chipperness.
‐You think I'm annoying?
‐That's not the point.
Point is, you done good.
You helped a lot of people find love,
and now I think it's time for you,
find a little love for yourself.
Well, enough of that.
Scram.
[magical tinkle]
‐So. How's it feel, being mortal?
‐Pretty much the same, I guess.
‐That's kind of a letdown.
‐Hey. Did you stick up for me back there?
‐Oh. I mean. I guess.
‐That was really cool of you.
‐Yeah. It was really cool of me, wasn't it?
‐I think we're friends now.
‐Okay. I'm drawing the line.
There's a reason that we are here.
‐Okay.
Amber?
Hi, I'm‐‐ I'm Ruby,
one of Charlie's friends.
‐Oh. You're the one.
‐The one what?
‐Charlie and I broke up last night.
He said he was in love with someone else.
You.
‐I'm so sorry. ‐Hey.
The last thing I want is a man who is in love
with someone else.
You should go for him.
Seriously.
‐Amber, you're a really nice person.
[chuckles]
Also, I am so sorry about your show last night.
‐Yeah. What a disaster!
But you know what the funny part is?
If the show hadn't gone so completely off the rails,
I wouldn't have connected with Fred.
[giggles]
I think he might be the one.
‐You know what?
I think you might be right.
‐Really? Me too.
We're both in the theater, you know?
Kindred spirits.
Like someone up there has brought us together.
‐Who's that?
Ruby. She's sweet.
‐So. your nerdy teacher is on the market.
What an interesting development.
[inhales]
Question is.
what are you gonna do about it?
Here?
‐He volunteers every Christmas Day.
‐Ugh. Of course he does.
‐You comin'?
‐No.
You don't need magic.
You two nerds are perfect for each other.
Besides, I gotta go back to the office
and get yelled at by Cupid.
‐I'm really proud of you.
‐Okay. Come here.
‐Oh!
‐Good luck, Ruby. ‐Thank you.
‐Go get it. ‐Oh!
‐Oh, look, it's Ruby.
‐Merry Christmas, Ruby!
‐Merry Christmas, guys.
What are you doin' here?
‐Obviously, being good citizens.
Professor Conrad offered us extra credit for next semester‐
if we came and volunteered with him.
‐All right. Also, there's extra credit.
‐Where's Charlie?
‐He took off. He said he had to catch a train.
‐A train? To where?
‐Said he was going to some boring cabin on a lake.
‐He's spending Christmas alone.
[Emily chuckles]
You love him, huh?
[all giggling]
‐It's totally obvious.
You guys are made for each other.
‐I guess I‐‐ yes. Yes.
I love him. I love Charlie!
[Ezra] Knew it.
‐Oh, you should tell him.
‐Yes!
‐Yo! I'll drive.
‐Shotgun! ‐[Ruby] Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[Raif] Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
[Chloe] Oh, my gosh. It's so romantic I might cry.
[tense music]
‐Slow down, Raif!
[Samantha] No! Go faster! Punch it!
‐Where are we going?
‐Why are you driving if you don't know
where the train station is?
‐Right! Turn right!
[car tires screech]
[yelling]
‐This is my first time in a car!
It's kinda scary.
[train horn blowing]
[car brakes squeal]
[Natalie] Good luck, Ruby!
‐Bye!
Charlie!
Hello.
Merry Christmas.
[panting]
‐What are you doing here?
‐You, uh, you taking a trip?
‐Yeah. Um, just needed some time away.
‐I heard you and Amber broke up.
‐You told me to follow my heart, Ruby.
I couldn't stay with Amber and do that at the same time.
‐Okay, the thing is. I love you.
I'm in love with you.
And also, I really like you
as a person, you know. ‐Ruby, we‐‐ you know.
‐I know I said we didn't have a future.
That it was impossible, but it's not. Not anymore.
See, uh. I kinda got fired.
Actually, no, I‐I quit.
I gave it up. For you.
‐You mean you're not a‐‐
‐Magical sprite spreading love?
Nope. Now I'm just a regular girl.
I got a lot to learn. It's all so new.
In fact.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I‐I just really wanted to do that.
That was‐‐ that was my first kiss.
[giggles] I knew it would be nice.
‐Nice?
[mellow music]
‐Wow!
‐Wow is a much better response.
I love you too.
‐You do?
‐Madly, crazy, head over heels.
[Emily] Oh, my God. They're so cute,
I think I'm gonna die.
[laugh]
‐Yo! Way to go, Professor Conrad.
[applause and cheers]
‐You brought my students, huh?
‐I needed a ride.
‐Oh, my God.
‐Oh. What? What was that?
‐I wowed her with my charms.
‐Gina, I got your text.
‐I'm not looking for a relationship.
[gasps]
‐Right on.
[laughs]
‐[crying] It's just so beautiful.
‐So this was your plan all along?
Those two are perfect for each other.
‐Oh, please. You think this was about them?
I knew they were destined for each other.
This was about you, Philomena.
‐Me?
‐I needed somebody to take my place
who was tough
but loving.
I was testing you.
And boy, oh boy, did you come through.
When you stood up
for Ruby, when you defended love.
I knew I had the right person for the job.
‐Wow. That is not where I thought this was going.
I don't know what to say.
‐Say you'll do a good job, because it's important.
The world needs love now more than ever.
Well, my work is done.
I'm out of here.
Good luck, Cupid.
‐Cupid.
I like the sound of that.
‐Did you make all this happen?
‐No.
No arrows. No magic.
I'm just a normal girl with the boy she loves.
It's gonna be a big adventure.
[church bell tolls]
[peppy music]
[Cupid] Oh, look at that sunset, will ya?
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good Valentine's Day.
It's right around the corner, get somebody somethin' nice.
Maybe some flowers.
Candy's always nice, but it's too pricey.
That's okay, give 'em a hug. Give 'em a kiss.
The important thing is being with the person you love.
["Christmas in the Air" playing]
♪♪ And the whole world starts Gettin' ready ♪♪
♪♪ Pretty soon the streets Are dressed in lights ♪♪
♪♪ Everyone's Invited to the party ♪♪
♪♪ And the spirit Of the season has arrived ♪♪
♪♪ She's a Cupid for Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ That's your Favorite time of year ♪♪
♪♪ And everywhere That kind of cheer is here ♪♪
♪♪ It's here it's here ♪♪
♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪
♪♪ There's Christmas in the air ♪♪
♪♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪♪
♪♪ There's Cupid in the air ♪♪
♪♪ And the day's Gettin' shorter ♪♪
♪♪ But the nights follow Christmas always shine ♪♪
♪♪ Memories They're pouring in ♪♪
♪♪ Of the night we've had It's good to be alive ♪♪
♪♪ Then the whole world starts Gettin' ready ♪♪
♪♪ Pretty soon the streets Are dressed in lights ♪♪
♪♪ Everyone's Invited to the party ♪♪
♪♪ And the spirit Of the season has arrived ♪♪
♪♪ She's a Cupid for. ♪♪
[music fades away]