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NETFLIX PRESENTS
[radio static]
[DJ] Good morning, hi, and hello.
This is Elf Radio.
Today is the busiest day of the year.
The temperature outside is a lovely -32 degrees Celsius,
accompanied by heavy snowfall.
Have a lovely day at work, and ho, ho, ho to you!
EARTH
["Somewhere Beyond the Sea" playing]
♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪
♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪
♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪
Start production!
♪ …that go sailing ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Beyond the sea ♪
♪ She's there… ♪
[male voice] Well, well, Albert. Nice ride.
I got a great deal from the Tooth Fairy.
She was snatching coins from the bank for many months.
120 reindeerpower, and fully automatic.
-This baby's even got heated seats. -Wow, even has winter runners.
SANTA CLAUS
DAVID AND THE ELVES
♪ It's near beyond the moon ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ Beyond a doubt ♪
♪ My heart will lead me there soon ♪
♪ We'll meet beyond the shore ♪
♪ We'll kiss just as before ♪
Over here, we have little Charlie Chaplin,
who received a bowler hat.
And a few years later, Charlie became a very famous actor.
Over here is a young Alfred Nobel.
He received some matches,
and a few years later, Alfred discovered dynamite.
[kids] Wow.
♪ I know ♪
♪ Beyond a doubt ♪
♪ My heart will lead me there soon ♪
♪ We'll meet I know we'll meet ♪
♪ Beyond the shore ♪
♪ We'll kiss just as before ♪
♪ Happy we'll be, beyond the sea ♪
♪ And never again ♪
-Do you know Santa's wife's name? -It's Mary Christmas.
Come on, just admit you don't know.
Ah, children!
-[kids laugh] -Albert!
-What do you wanna be when you grow up? -Me?
I wanna be the best elf in the whole world, like you.
See? Why not Santa?
No, that wouldn't make any sense, to be Santa.
He has to fly around delivering these presents,
-and still no one believes in him. -Hmm, you got a point.
So let me tell you something. I wouldn't really wanna be Santa, either.
Uh, no?
-Do you know why? -[kids] No!
Have you ever met Mr. Santa Claus' wife, kids?
[kids laughing]
Okay, kids, who wants some Albert the Elf swag?
[all clamoring]
TATRA MOUNTAINS
[people clamoring]
[men singing]
-[man 1 laughs] -Isn't that key a bit high?
It could be lower. You can't sing anyway.
-[man 1] Right. I can't. -You don't have an ear for music.
That's a fact.
-Piotrek! What are you doing? -Shh!
Hey!
[all clamoring, laughing]
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Quiet down! You carolers should be singing,
not yelling like wild animals.
Oh, don't you remember being young, hmm?
[man 1] Hello, Kazik.
David! Come over here! Sing Grandpa a Christmas carol.
I can't right now. We're chasing reindeer!
-But Dad's getting in the way. -Where are these reindeer?
Oh, they're invisible reindeer. Magical.
[grunts]
I don't know, honey. How are you going to make it in Warsaw?
Oh, come on, Mom. Warsaw isn't really that far at all.
[woman 1] But David is so happy here.
[woman 2] I know he is, but how can he grow around here?
They have fantastic schools and a rich culture over there.
Here, there's only one theater that's usually empty.
But look how beautiful everything is. What more could you ask for?
[woman 2] The closest opera is all the way in Krakow.
-Well, maybe there he can finally grow up. -Grow up? He's only 10.
[yelling]
I wasn't talking about David.
[kids clamoring, laughing]
Ho, ho! Hello there, I am Elf Toshiro Wakabayashi.
Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that this year as well,
the title of employee of the year will go, for the fifth consecutive year now,
to Albert!
What's your secret?
How do you keep your Christmas spirit so strong?
Uh, to start with,
I want to properly thank my fans and the people in the world who love me.
Knowing you're there loving and admiring me
gives me the strength to be the best, and means a ho-ho-whole lot! [chuckles]
Pardon me, Albert.
It's a bit awkward, but, well, humans don't watch our show.
They don't?
That's their loss, then.
But anyway, you haven't heard the last of Albert the Elf.
We sure haven't. Best of luck.
So, how did I do?
Well, that wasn't really the whole truth.
Everything here is all thanks to you, Albert?
Well, I was just trying to sound modest and sincere.
So you really do think that highly of yourself, huh?
Seriously? Don't be like that. Jealousy is ugly.
I think of people every day. Every day!
Wait, Crazy Adventures of Santa's Elves?
-Seriously? -This is wonderful.
It's really exciting, plus it's got pretty illustrations.
I read the whole thing. You should, too.
Patrick, really?
David believes in all this crap.
Kids will laugh at him, and it will be your fault.
I'm sure you didn't mean crap.
But it'll be Santa's fault, since I'm just here to wrap it up.
Mm-hmm.
Wait til you see your present.
-I'm scared already. -[chuckles] As you should be.
Maybe this time,
could I just get a bad gift,
like other women?
I don't know, something like a cherry pitter or men's so--
Sorry, but the Christmas spirit won't allow it.
-But it'll allow this? -Oh, definitely.
New York is snowed in right now.
Be careful over the Caribbean. They might have hurricanes.
Western Europe, all thanks to climate change,
will not have any snow this year,
except over the mountains in Masuria and Suwałki.
Looks like atmospheric pressure's normal,
and it seems children under 10's belief in the magic of Christmas is stable.
[device beeps, dings]
What? There's only 90% battery now?
Erwin, what are these even good for?
I told you, they work terrible.
I really miss the old Swiss ones.
[bell ringing]
Attention!
Stop ringing that bell, it's making a racket!
-Santa! Santa! -What is this? Go, boy. Seriously? No.
-Santa, can you please stop moving? -What is it now?
-[hair twangs] -Ouch! What are you doing?
Just a black hair. What if someone saw it?
What are you saying? I'll be invisible. Mm-hmm.
All right.
-Ho, ho, Santa. -Ho, ho!
We've double-checked the undercarriage,
and the reindeer are being filled up with bio-fuel.
[reindeer lows]
Comet has a bit of a dandruff issue, and Rudolph got some new shoes.
I'm sure he'll break them in. Anything else?
-Albert-- -[clears throat]
-[Mrs. Claus] Clausy! -Nothing.
Clausy!
Honey! No, no, no, wait! You forgot your second dinner.
-Don't. I won't have time to eat. -Of course you will.
Celery, steamed broccoli. And remember, no fast food!
With your cholesterol, it's out of the question.
-Please keep an eye on him. -Yes, ma'am.
[both kissing]
Be careful out there.
-Yeah, yeah. -Please be careful.
[in deep voice] My little elves.
[Erwin] Ho, ho!
[elves] Ho, ho!
Ah, now let's go. It's time.
[Albert] Yee-haw!
Merry Christmas! Ah!
[Patrick, woman] Merry Christmas!
-[Patrick] And merry Christmas, girls. -My wish for you, Kasiula,
is for you and Maciek to finally get along.
I get that you're mad,
but you have to understand that's his nature.
Bulls are like that. It's just who they are.
-[chuckles] -[Maciek moos]
Grandpa, are you sure the animals will be talking tonight?
Of course they will. They always do.
After midnight mass,
I'll have a little chat with Kasiula here like I do every year.
What will Kasiula say?
[Patrick] Always the same thing.
She needs to move to the city because the opera's too far for her.
Real funny, Patrick.
Kasiula would never say something like that.
She's plenty happy here.
Isn't that right, Kasiula?
[dog whimpering]
Oh, there you are! Come on. Grandma's pierogis are getting cold.
-[grandpa] We're coming. -Oh, I can't wait.
What should I wish for, hmm? Huh, sweetie?
I don't know.
Maybe for Patrick to lose that terrible hat.
Dad, do you think that Santa brought the presents yet?
[door opens]
I'm sure he did.
[clattering]
Hear that? Hold on.
Bells.
Over there. See? It's Santa's invisible sleigh.
See it?
-Oh, it really is invisible! -Yeah.
Look there. Rudolph's in front. Behind him's Donner.
Comet. And Santa's sitting in his sleigh.
And who could that be in the front seat? An elf?
It's Albert!
[chuckles] Yes, that's Albert!
Merry Christmas!
[Albert] Ho, ho!
[Santa] Easy there. What are you doing? You know humans can't see us.
-Look, they're waving. -Who knows?
They could just be stretching or something.
-[pages rustle] -Oh! Now focus!
-[Albert laughing] -[magic whooshes]
♪ Shepherds have come to see The newborn king ♪
♪ Caroling together Songs of peace they sing ♪
♪ For all the world they're singing For all the world they're wishing ♪
♪ All mankind Joy and peace ♪
♪ For all the world they're singing For all the world they're wishing ♪
♪ All mankind Joy and peace ♪
Bravo!
Well done, kids.
-Bravo! -Okay, children, have a seat.
Come on.
No, no, David.
This seat is especially reserved for the weary traveler.
But the traveler never comes here.
Well, you never know, David.
David, come and sit.
Come, sit. Come here and I'll let you in on a little secret.
That spot there is reserved for the dead.
[David's mom] Cut it out, Patrick.
No, it's true. They always come.
-Always. Look there. -That's right.
See? There's Auntie Aurelia.
And earlier, I saw Uncle Kornel in the hallway.
-I saw him too. -Mom, please.
-Behind the tree, as usual. -[family laughing]
Who's there?
Old hag Popielak!
Patrick, please stop saying such nonsense.
-He'll have trouble sleeping. -Anna…
-And so will I. -Of course you do.
♪ Listen, children Friends and neighbors ♪
-♪ On this day was born ♪ -Look who's here.
♪ The savior ♪
♪ In Bethlehem ♪
♪ Bethlehem ♪
-Welcome. -Merry Christmas to all!
-Mietek! -Merry Christmas, Mietek.
-There's your weary traveler. -That's true.
Please, have a seat.
Anna, Patrick, please tell me it's not true.
-No, it's true. -We're moving.
We'll be in Wilanów by the Epiphany.
Yes, Wilanów.
[Patrick] It's a big change, sure.
But an old elf offered me a job at his law firm, so how could I refuse?
Well, Patrick, I got a job offer as well.
-Yes! -That's right.
I won't lie, sad to see you go.
-But congratulations. -[Anna] Thank you.
So, Christmas in Warsaw next year, then?
-You're right! Absolutely. -Yeah, sure.
We'll see, since I'm not sure we'll all be able to fit.
I'm sure we'll all fit. Don't worry. Mietek, please sit down.
-I'd love to, but I really can't. -No?
-I have other families to visit tonight. -Mietek…
-Merry Christmas. -Thank you for coming by.
[overlapping goodbyes]
All right, everyone. Come on. Time to dig in now.
Wait, hold on. Stop for just a moment.
Any good kids here?
[kids cheer]
[Albert whooping]
-[Santa] What did you do down there? -Where?
You know very well. In that mountain hut.
Me? Nothing.
You'd better never do anything like that ever again, got it, Albert?
Come on, Rudolph! Comet, let's go! [whoops]
[laughs, cheers]
[Patrick] Here, for you. Here we have yours.
And one for our little David.
[kids exclaiming in excitement]
[Patrick] Anna, where's the book?
It's Albert the Elf! Great!
I love it.
Babe, did you switch gifts?
No. Must have been Santa Claus.
[David laughs]
-Aren't you hilarious? -Magic.
WARSAW, ONE YEAR LATER
["Jingle Bells" playing]
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ On a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
[Patrick] Cherry pitter, just like you wanted.
FOR DEAR ANNA
[phone rings]
-What is it, boss? -[man] How are you doing?
Are the pierogis ready yet?
-Yeah, for Christmas Eve, we always-- -Okay, great. [laughs]
Christmas is important for sure. There's no doubt about that.
-But that's not why I'm calling. -Yes?
Your presentation is at twelve o'clock sharp.
This could change a lot for you.
-Well, good night. -You too.
[whistling, wet squelch]
What the heck? Darn sparrows!
[grunts]
[Santa] What are you doing?
I told you a thousand times, don't touch the telescope.
Boss, be honest with me. Why is it forbidden to talk to humans?
You can never be too careful. You never know what humans will do.
But humans love us! We give them presents, they send us letters every year.
Have you ever met one? Because I've met my fair share. Trust me.
WARSAW, POLAND, 2004
It's interesting. We bring them presents. They call you horrible names in return.
[woman yelling in Polish] Thief! People, it's a thief! Thief! Quick!
NEW YORK, USA, 1992
But these situations can be dangerous for people.
House is surrounded. I see you, scumbag. Come out here, now!
For me, it's mostly just embarassing.
BERLIN, GERMANY, 1888
It's the same story every time.
If someone sees me, they shout the same thing.
[man yelling in German] Up there, a thief! Thief! Catch him!
FROMBORK, POLAND, 1428
There is something magical about putting presents under the tree,
but things can get out of hand at the drop of a hat.
[in Polish] Got you, you scoundrel!
Why are you in my daughter's chambers at night?
I'll show thee!
[knight exclaims]
Trust me, we're lucky to have our magic.
TIJUANA, MEXICO, 1963
The times or places don't matter.
It's always the same.
[musicians yelling in Spanish] Get him!
PARIS, FRANCE, 1931
But my biggest disappointment was my dear Emilie.
Merry Christmas, my little Emilie!
[in French] Oh, my God.
She seemed like a lovely kid.
[Santa] Oh, dear.
I know it's been a few years…
Is this the doctor? So…
…but a vase? Seriously?
Well, but people love me, so…
-Oh, really? -Everyone was waving at me.
Come on, there were only two of them. And how could they have been waving?
The sleigh is invisible. How many times do I have to tell you?
-Yeah? -Yes!
Why wave, then? They were looking right at us.
If they couldn't see us, they wouldn't have waved, right?
I'm not going to argue with you.
For the smartest elf around here, you can be pretty dense sometimes.
Go get some sleep. Christmas is coming.
We have a big morning.
Good night, Albert.
Ho, ho, Santa.
Hmm.
[festive music playing in background]
Hey, sweetie, is something wrong?
Warsaw doesn't even have snow. [David sighs]
Okay, listen. When I was your age,
I could only dream about living in a big house like this. Right, honey?
I could only dream of a huge living room like this.
I was forced to herd sheep.
Big rams everywhere.
Cow milking, too.
And I had to chop a ton of firewood.
School was a five-mile walk every day.
Even in winter too, you know.
That was it.
No buses or anything.
There has to be something you like.
There are a few things.
So tell me.
For one, we're much closer to the opera.
Well, for some news, since we're talking,
I was able to order your king costume for the Nativity play coming up.
Any idea who made it?
I think so.
[Patrick] Of course you do.
A magical tailor.
He's the best royal costume tailor in the whole wide world.
I'm serious. He even dressed King Matt the First, all by himself.
[chuckles]
-Everyone knows that. -Yeah?
[David] That's cool.
-[Patrick] Of course it's cool! -Oh. [Anna chuckles]
Are you feeling okay? Are you sick?
No, I'm fine!
Let me check your forehead.
Let's check your temperature I'll be back. He might be sick.
I'll be checking yours, too.
[Erwin] Ho, ho, Albert.
Something wrong?
No.
Looks like there is. Something's clearly bothing you, isn't it?
I'm an elf. This is what my face looks like.
What's the point of all of this?
-What do you mean, Albert? -Exactly. What's all this about?
And it seems like Santa has no idea.
He's always going on about the Christmas spirit,
but he's never had a proper Christmas
since he's always running around giving presents.
[device beeps pathetically]
[device dings]
Albert, you're at 62% right now.
-I'm sure it's busted again. -My whole life is busted.
So how can I have Christmas spirit?
Albert, what do you mean by that?
We love humans, so we give them presents, which makes them love us.
And that's how Christmas magic is born. That magic gives us everything we need.
Erwin, how can they love me if they've never seen my face, then?
I've been working day and night.
What are you talking about?
We only work one day a year, on Christmas!
Exactly! That's what I'm talking about.
It's that time of the year.
Even if you don't work all year, this should be a holiday, right?
That's what Christmas is all about.
Having time off. You don't have to do a thing.
Holidays should be free.
Come. Let's get some borscht and dumplings.
Let's talk about elves from the olden days.
Come to my place.
We'll rent Home Alone and order some sauerkraut pierogis.
Forget Home Alone! I'm leaving!
What? Leaving?
-[zipper zips] -Where are you going?
Somewhere I can recharge,
change it up, and hopefully feel the real magic of Christmas.
Okay. But where exactly are you going?
Geez. Somewhere where people wave back, you know?
Now move.
[kid] Mike, pass the ball!
Hey, new kid, catch.
[children laughing]
[kid] What a wuss.
[Erwin] Boss.
Boss.
[Santa snoring]
-[bell clangs] -[Santa] Hmm?
-Huh? What is it? -Boss--
-What's going on? -Uh, I--
Oh, just spit it out, will you?
[coughs] I-It's about Albert.
Oh, Albert. What?
He ran away.
Well, I guess not exactly.
Albert felt that Christmas should be a holiday.
I mean, he didn't just decide, really.
He just felt that--
Wait, he went down there?
CHRISTMAS TREES FOR SALE
[whooshing overhead]
[shivers]
Oh!
[Albert laughs]
[horn honks]
[magic whooshes]
[high-pitched honking]
-What is this? -[Albert laughs]
Hi there!
Ho, ho! You recognize me?
Well, you look a lot like Mr. Albert the Elf, sir.
That's right, kid. But you can just call me Albert.
Come on.
-Show me what it's like here. -[man] Hey, you!
Me?
-[splutters] My truck. -Yeah.
It looks like a truck. Seems like everything's in order.
That model was a big hit in 2015.
People would literally do anything to get one that year.
Look, guy, where's my truck?
There.
On the house.
Don't you wanna give a Christmas hug?
I guess.
Merry Christmas and a happy new year.
Why are you so quiet?
Sir, would you mind pinching me, please?
[laughs] Yeah, sure.
Hey, you promised that you would call me Albert, yeah?
-Good! [laughs] -Ow!
Was it a good pinch?
It hurt a little bit.
Ah, I guess I have a knack for it.
I've never pinched anyone before.
[Santa] He's clearly having magical power issues. It happens.
But why wouldn't he come talk to me about it?
What could you have said? More work, more work, more work.
Yes, exactly. That's how it works.
The more presents we deliver, the more power we get.
That's how it works.
-Nonsense. -What?
Albert just wants to travel the world.
He's young.
Don't you get it?
Among people, we're not invisible.
So what?
Listen, if you're ashamed of your jolly belly,
start working out and quit with the sweets.
You're stress-eating. Then you won't be ashamed to go out.
But it's not about the belly. It's just-- Mmm--
I know, honey.
People are afraid of us.
No, it's not them, Clausy.
Actually, it's you who's afraid of them.
Sneaking around like a thief.
-But that's tradition. -Tradition? Ha!
Swooping down chimneys is tradition?
It's neither smart nor practical.
Not to mention your safety. None of it makes sense.
Oh, look! It's rain instead of snow.
[laughs]
I bet you must have missed me, huh?
Missed you a lot. Yeah, I was thinking about you all year.
This is exactly how I imagined it.
Oh, you'll have to meet my dad. He's a big fan of yours, you know.
Of course he's a fan! I saw him waving at me last year.
-You saw that? -Yeah, of course.
Everybody waves at me.
But I specifically remember you and your dad, because--
Because?
Why did you remember me and my dad?
Because… Well, my amazing memory, of course!
Did you know Santa's convinced his sleigh is invisible?
But you, you saw us.
It was my dad who saw you,
because he can see things others can't, like magic.
Ahh.
He can sense magic with his left ear and his nose.
And heart. That's very important too.
Seems like he's a clever guy. I'm starting to like him.
My mom can see special things sometimes too, actually.
Seriously? Like reindeer, or what?
No, she can't really see those kinds of things.
She can see when a cup or something is dirty.
[Albert laughs]
[man] Hey, you! Stop right there!
-Ho, ho, ho! -Time to run.
-Where's my truck? -Are we racing?
Let's see if Mister wants to race.
-Come on! -Hey! Hold this, kid.
Stop!
[Albert giggling]
Catch me!
[grunts] I swear I'll get you.
-Hurry, hurry, hurry! [giggles] -[man] I'm gonna break your jaw!
[Albert] Hop!
You can't catch me!
[Albert and David laughing]
[man yelling]
[Albert laughs]
A cold bath makes your blood warmer. Merry Christmas!
[Albert] When people are happy, I'm happy.
When people love me, instantly my powers go up.
But he won't be able to work if he's missing his work truck.
[scoffs] He shouldn't be working on Christmas anyway.
Better tell my parents about that as well. They're constantly working.
[truck honks]
-[phone chiming] -Oh, excuse me.
Dad's calling me.
Very good afternoon, Your Royal Majesty.
I've just been notified by royal pigeon
that your garb is now ready and waiting for you, Your Highness.
Thank you, Dad.
Are you all right by yourself?
Oh, I'm not alone. I'm actually with Albert the Elf.
[Patrick laughs]
He's my favorite elf!
Now, please say hi to him for me.
You guys have some fun for me, too.
-And tell me all about it later, okay? -You know I will, Dad.
-Bye. -Bye.
Ah, what a nice guy. Barely knows me, but he likes me so much.
It was my dad who showed me your sleigh last Christmas.
-Yeah? -Told me you were holding the reins, too.
[Albert chuckles]
Uh, I saw you too, though I think he saw you better.
Since he has that special magic sense.
-In his left ear. -Exactly.
Well then?
They're just having fun.
Ah. No one's hit him with a vase yet?
Clausy, that stuff only happens to you, darling.
Because I'm the only one who's been down there.
Has he been discovered?
[sighs] What's that smell all of a sudden?
Uh, nothing. Just elves.
Is he keeping a low profile or not?
Not exactly. So far, he's turned a truck into a toy and shoes into a scooter.
[Santa] What? Is he crazy?
-Mm-hmm. -[Santa] Mmm.
[Albert] Elves are so boring and predictable.
But I feel like you and I can be great friends.
-You think so? -Of course, if you wanna be.
Why, of course!
I knew we'd be friends after I waved at you
and got the present, the little figurine.
-You kept it? -Of course!
I love figurines of me, but I didn't know other people liked them.
I love it!
I would trade all of my other toys for it.
[Albert] Huh.
I even built a house for it.
-Mm-hmm. Want another one? -Yeah!
-Sure. -Watch!
Bam!
Version XXL.
[Albert giggles]
-What? -[sighs]
Don't you like it?
Oh, boy. That's my mom's tree.
Something wrong with it?
No, no, it's okay. But, uh…
Just okay? It's really just okay?
I really meant to say… amazing.
It's super cool,
but I think one's enough, right?
[bright ding]
You taught him that.
Did I?
Who keeps raving about how much people love presents?
But they love them.
Do you realize how many letters I get?
-I mean, from China alone-- -Have you ever replied to one?
"Dear human. How are you doing?
Come by sometime. My wife will make cheesecake."
Which wife?
-How many wives do you have? -Uh…
No way.
You want to invite humans here now?
And why not? What, you think you can give them presents and that's it?
Just toss a smartphone under the tree and be done with it?
Now Albert thinks that's all it takes, because he sees you doing that.
Something really smells here.
-Is it reindeer? -Yes, well, must be them.
David.
We're best friends.
Yeah, we are.
So, no need to be shy. Just say the word,
and I can fill this apartment full of figurines like that.
It's okay. One's enough.
-You don't trust me. -Of course I do! Really, Albert.
To me, you are the coolest.
And I think you're the smartest elf I've ever met in my life.
Oh. Well, um, I don't actually need a tree to grant any wishes.
-A nut or an orange is enough. -We have plenty of oranges!
-Great! -We have a bunch of them.
Wait here. I'll go get some.
Oranges are much better than trees.
[cell phone ringing]
-Hi, Mom. -Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?
-Great. -Oh, someone's in a good mood.
I am!
I had a bunch of adventures today. It was great.
-Ah. Are you feeling okay? -Yeah.
Mom, do you have any Christmas wishes?
-What do you mean, dear? -Do you have any wishes?
-What are you talking about? -Just asking.
Like, if I met an elf
who has the power to magically turn a tree--
-Uh, what happened to my tree? -Nothing bad happened.
Sweetie, I'm serious. Don't touch the tree or any of the decorations, okay?
They weren't cheap.
-I don't want you playing with them. -I know.
-Make sure it doesn't fall. -[whoosh]
Well, I have to go now. Love you, Mom. Bye!
[playing mid-tempo riff]
[Albert whoops, laughs]
I couldn't help myself. I conjured this up.
-You made a drum kit? -I did.
-What did you use? -That peanut. You should've seen it.
-You used a peanut? -Yeah.
You're a genius.
[plays rimshot]
I sure am! [laughs]
Did you know your dad wished for a drum kit?
Well, I mean, are you really sure?
No, I'm positive. I even double-checked Santa's records.
I don't know his last dream, though,
because the Dream Protection Act came into effect.
You sure it's my dad you're thinking of, and not someone else's dream?
-You don't trust me again, David. - I promise I do.
-Fine. -I'm just worried about my mom, because--
Why?
My mom had to walk five miles to school,
milk cows every morning, even in the middle of winter.
And now, I think all she wants is for my dad to grow up.
[exhales] Listen, your mom is just saying that.
Trust me.
Here's a little present for her.
Thanks.
What kind of present would you like?
Nothing.
There's no present you want?
I mean, all I really need is my Nativity costume.
But Dad and the magical tailor took care of that.
Oh, one of my industry's biggest problems!
Magic tailors and online shopping.
-[man] How much? -[vendor] I'll take 10.
[man] Is that a king costume?
[Patrick] No, please!
-Hey, what's wrong with you? -Wait, let's make a deal.
-What if you buy the snowflake instead? -Buy it yourself.
-But it's so much more versatile. -Versatile? Give it back!
I saw this first. Seriously, what's your problem?
Please, it's for my boy. I forgot to get it.
You think this is for me? I need it for mine.
-Couldn't me make some deal? -No!
-How much? -What?
-How much do you want? -Fifty.
All right.
Oh.
-But I only have 100. -Works for me. Merry Christmas.
Sucker.
♪ Shepherds are gathering To praise the king ♪
♪ Raising up their voices Songs of joy they sing ♪
♪ For all the world they're singing For all the world they're wishing ♪
♪ All mankind Joy and peace ♪
♪ For all the world they're singing For all the world they're wishing ♪
♪ All mankind Joy and peace ♪
♪ Each and every voice is-- ♪
-Why weren't you singing? -Because that was my first carol.
No, it isn't. It's the third. You already know two.
Oh, you're right.
But you still have a lot of carols to learn.
Every Christmas Eve, we sing all evening.
You finally made me realize how…
how special it is to feel close to someone.
That's nice.
No, I'm serious! Now, I feel like I wanna make bunches of friends.
-An army of friends. -That's super, Albert.
Yeah, isn't it?
I'm gonna give them presents, and they'll really love me.
-[chuckles] -I'm sure they will.
All right, buddy.
Be well, my friend.
You better not forget me, now.
Every time you think of me, my powers get stronger.
-I promise I will. -[chuckles]
All right, I'm off. Say hi to your parents for me. Ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
Oh, you haven't changed a bit!
[Albert laughs]
I'm sorry, but I--
Don't be sorry. Just smile!
Should I pinch you?
-[laughs] -[yelps]
Excuse me, but what are you doing here? Are you selling something?
Just saying hi. Surprised to see me? What's this?
What the hell are you doing? I've never seen you before.
Come on. You don't recognize me?
Last Christmas, the woods. You looked at me, I looked at you.
I'm a happily married man. You must be making some kind of mistake.
Wait, wait. You were looking at me, but then you waved. Remember?
No, you're wrong. I'd definitely remember.
Listen!
Beards with rubber bands are bad.
[giggles] They always end up sliding down.
Listen. This is private property.
-It's time for you to go. -Relax, my friend.
Just take it easy. It's the holidays.
Joy and magic all around us. Isn't it beautiful?
Watch it! You going to leave or do I have to call the cops?
You're so funny, you. Merry Christmas!
Dad, you'll never believe who I met. It was Albert the Elf.
David, who was that?
It was Albert! Don't you remember?
You let a stranger into the house?
David, how many times do we have to have that talk?
But you told me, if ever a reindeer or dwarf visits us,
-then I'm supposed to-- -That wasn't a reindeer.
Or a dwarf.
You have to be careful.
He could have been a burglar, or something much creepier.
Do you understand me?
Yes, but that was an elf!
I told you who that was.
What do you mean?
That was Albert the Elf.
You told me I should wave and say hi to him.
And he magically conjured up a drum set just for you.
What?
-Where did this come from? -Dad, I told you.
I met an elf, and he conjured you a drum set magically with a peanut.
No. It's a simple question. I want a simple answer.
Tell me right now,
why is there a drum set in the living room?
You said getting a drum set was your biggest wish.
-And when did I say that? -Well…
Well, I don't know, but Santa has it written down. You have to believe me.
And what about this clown, then?
He came with the drum set.
Halinka, make sure you show off those expensive earrings I bought.
Ho, hello there!
[whoops]
Excuse me! We're taking a picture.
All right. Nice coat, Halinka.
-You know him? -Of course not.
-Then how does he know you? -I have no idea.
Wise guy, how do you know my wife?
Me and Mr. Claus came to the house.
Are you kidding me? You promised you were done with Claus.
I swear I ended it. He only came over once.
He'll return tomorrow.
-You son of a-- Oh! -[Halinka] What are you doing? Hey!
-Calm down, idiot. -Don't go anywhere. I'm coming for you.
How can you not know Albert, Dad?
You were the one to tell me to wave last year.
-Me? -Yes!
You pointed up at the sky and told me to look up and wave
-because Santa's sleigh-- -Listen, David.
All right. We're both upset, but we don't need to be.
Right? So, tell me again from the beginning, but no more lies.
So tell me, how do you know this guy?
We saw him in the sky.
Well, I mean, you saw him.
And then earlier today,
he fell from the sky right in front of this huge truck,
but luckily, he turned it into this toy right before it hit him.
But the truck driver got really mad.
Where's the tree?
[jaunty music playing]
Ho, ho, ho!
-[woman 1] Baśka? -Justyna? I haven't seen you in ages!
Yeah. Gimme a call sometime. We'll catch up.
-I don't have your number. -Ho, ho! Wanna give me your number?
-Why would I? -So we can get to know each other.
Maybe feel some Christmas magic.
So where I'm from, we do that the old-fashioned way. Well--
Uh, did I say something that terrible?
No more pressing expenses, so you suddenly just decide
to buy a drum set?
For the tenth time, I didn't buy this. This weird guy came by,
-then they were just-- David! -Albert the Elf!
It looks like he left with the tree and somehow left a drum set.
Albert the Elf, huh? I know you've always wanted a drum set.
Is that true, Dad? You really wanted one?
-No, I didn't. -Why are you lying?
You said so two years ago.
I said that maybe after I retire, I might consider buying a set.
Ah, all right. Okay, all right.
So, is this your way of telling me you're retiring?
Listen, I can take just about anything. You know that.
I want you to just tell me the truth about everything.
-How much did it cost? -I have no idea.
Expensive enough you had to sell our tree?
-I promise I didn't buy them. -An elf transformed it!
He turned the tree into a giant figurine,
and then he made the drums out of a peanut,
because elves always need--
-That's what your dad told you to say. -I didn't!
But that's what you said!
An elf can't just create things out of thin air.
They need something to turn into whatever your wish is.
Anna, I'm not sure what happened, but on my way in,
there was this shady guy leaving, and--
He was carrying a tree.
Not true!
Clearly someone took it.
He did.
Wait a minute, I know. He put it in his pocket.
Dad, for that, he must have needed
those bottomless pockets you told me about.
-Because Dad said-- -[groans]
I've had enough of Dad's stories.
-Mom's right. -Don't try to butter me up.
Just tell the truth about what happened.
And take off that silly beard.
-[beard ripping] -[Patrick yelling in pain]
[Anna] Wow, wow, wow.
[bus beeps]
♪ Come, shepherds in your pastures Now, children gather 'round ♪
♪ Here, swaddled in… ♪
He's clearly unwell.
♪ The Son of God is found ♪
♪ Now, hear the angels' voices, making ♪
What's wrong with you?
Hello? Christmas is here!
Albert the Elf came down from the North Pole just to see you.
What's wrong? I brought presents.
Don't you like presents?
-Mama! -Stop it. Don't stare.
[Albert] How 'bout a talking doll?
Or do you want an electric scooter instead? Anyone?
[usher] Ticket, please.
[giggles]
Listen, I don't know how to explain this any differently.
People all have chins, and of course I've had one since birth.
-The problem here is that someone… -Dad, no!
…somehow glued a beard to my chin.
Dad!
Yes, I mean hair. What don't you understand?
Okay, then, easy. Simple question.
Is there maybe some kind of solvent I can use
to get this extra hair off my face, or-or something?
But Dad--
[exhales] What do you mean, brush it?
You know what? Moron.
It's a beard, Dad. It's a real one. It just grew.
Kiddo, just think about it for one second.
How could that happen? Growing a beard like this takes time.
On top of that, this beard is gray, and clearly I'm not graying yet.
Then how does the Tooth Fairy--
The Tooth Fairy isn't real. You should be old enough to understand.
So are you saying that Santa and his elves aren't real either?
Unfortunately not. Sorry.
Then how did you see Santa's sleigh that night?
I didn't.
-You said you did. -I made it up.
This is driving me nuts.
David, I'm going to need help. Come here.
I'm gonna close my eyes and count to three, okay?
Then pull this beard as hard as you can, all right?
Now.
Though if an elf was the one to make it grow, then--
This isn't a time for discussion.
On three. Careful. One… Two…
-Three. Ow! -[beard rips]
Don't rip my head off!
Dad, tell me why you're lying.
-You saw that sleigh! -[Anna] Patrick?
I'm in here.
What happened?
You bought pasta, right?
Yeah. It should be in the bag.
This? This is just filled with chocolate.
Bag full of elf-shaped chocolate, see?
Should I be worried about you?
I'm sure someone accidentally grabbed my bag.
-How many fingers do you see? -Four?
Is that a question?
Did someone accidentally grab David's costume, too?
What's wrong with David's costume?
All right.
[Albert] What? She put a padlock on the fridge?
[man] Mm-hmm. To stop me from eating what's made for Christmas Eve.
[Albert whistles]
Yeah, but then she says, "Eat, Stefan, before it all goes to waste.
I worked so hard on this."
Every year.
So basically, if I don't starve to death first,
I start feeling sick from over-eating.
Why don't you spend Christmas the way you want to, then?
[chuckles]
-Is that a joke? -Yeah.
The way I want?
You know what I really want to do for Christmas?
No, that's the thing. Only Mr. Claus has access to human dreams.
-Claus? -Mm-hmm.
Like him?
Not that faker.
All right. If, somehow, Santa really existed…
[Albert] Hmm.
…then I wouldn't be sitting here now. I'd be on a boat. A little one.
One-person boat,
by myself,
with absolutely no family whatsoever.
I'd be fishing in complete, serene silence.
Then I'd crack a cold beer, or a few,
and bask in the peaceful quiet.
So that's your dream, then?
Yeah, that's the dream.
[magic whooshes]
[gulls cawing]
[yells]
[yelling]
Done.
[faint thumping]
Stefan!
Excuse me, have you seen my husband?
-Mm-mm. -[phone ringing]
Hello, Stefan, where are you?
-Sweetie-- -Did you get stuck in the bathroom agani?
No. I swear. This is so much worse.
Stefan, why couldn't you wait here?
Just wait. I'm coming.
-[fisher] Fish biting today? -Please, sir, can you help me?
Nice boat.
Oh, thanks.
Would you trade your coat for this rowboat?
You being serious now?
Yes, the boat for the coat.
Works for me.
-You sure about this? -Never been more sure.
Wait!
Hey!
Where are you?
Hmm.
-What are his levels? -[device beeps]
Forty, and dropping fast.
He's lost it.
Albert, don't you do it. That's just a terrible idea.
He's trying to give someone a car.
Beats getting an iron.
What are you saying? You mentioned you wanted one.
Sure, I mentioned that 134 years ago.
Now, every Christmas, I get one.
You should've said something.
Who would need 134 irons? Seriously, I'm running out of space.
Do we have to do this now?
[giggles, whoops]
[men spluttering, flinching]
-What is this? I don't want it! -Are you crazy? This is definitely a scam.
You said you wanted five bucks for a ticket back home.
A car will be faster.
Boguś, go ahead. Punch him.
Hold on. Hold on. Look at his ears. Pig. He's a pig.
What do you mean? I'm not a pig. I'm an elf.
[men laughing]
[Albert giggles]
Just tell us. Come on. You stole it, right?
I just conjured it with magic.
Hey, uh, uh, wh-why don't you just conjure up five bucks, huh?
Well, I don't know how to make that.
-[car honks] -[men flinch]
W-Wait, wait.
H-Hey, what are you, crazy?
-What? -Hey!
Why don't we take this bad boy for a little spin?
Wait, where-- where did he go?
Oh, man. I told you to punch him.
-Yes, you did. -So what should we do, my man?
We'll donate it.
To the church.
[Patrick] Look at that.
That's Grandma and Grandpa's house, all right.
I wanted to apologize, buddy.
I was just upset, but I shouldn't have been.
I promise I won't do that again. Just tell me the truth.
Who was he?
Listen, you're a big boy now,
so I think there's something you should know.
Santa Claus isn't real.
And I'm sorry, but elves aren't real, either.
So, does that mean we won't have Christmas?
Oh, come on. Of course we will, David.
But what's the point without Santa or elves?
Don't worry, kiddo, you'll still get your present.
But Christmas isn't about the presents, though.
You told me that yourself.
There's one more thing.
You won't like it.
I'm not exactly sure how.
Somehow, I accidentally bought the wrong costume,
and it's a… it's a bunny.
Magic tailors doesn't ever make mistakes.
Magic tailors don't exist either.
David, I was the one who bought it.
But the magic tailor always makes me a beautiful costume.
No.
Mom and me made those costumes for you,
but this year we didn't have the time.
[David gasps softly]
All right. [clears throat] Don't stay up too late, okay?
[pipes humming]
[Mrs. Claus] I don't understand.
Why does it smell like reindeer everywhere?
What are you doing?
Can't you see I'm trying to fix these pipes?
You're fixing the pipes now?
Albert is gone and you're here playing handyman?
You should go down there.
-Down where? -To the humans.
Can't you see that I'm busy? Huh?
Oh, if I don't fix these pipes now, we're all going to freeze to death.
Do I have to remind you what happens to elves who lose their power?
They transform into mini-figurines until they get smaller,
and then they disappear completely.
[Santa grunting]
I can't do everything at once.
-Ah! -What the--
[crackling]
What's this? Fix this right now!
[Santa grunts]
-[magic whooshes] -[humming stops]
You know I hate resorting to magic like this.
Listen, Clausy. Tomorrow morning, we're going down there. That's that.
["Now It's Christmas" playing]
♪ I stayed up waiting for Santa Claus ♪
♪ But somehow I fell to sleep ♪
♪ Presents at the foot of my bed ♪
♪ Are calling out to me ♪
♪ Wake up, it's midnight It's midnight but I'm not even tired ♪
♪ Wake up, it's Christmas ♪
♪ And this year We're not gonna waste it ♪
Patrick, how'd you know?
Know what?
-What is it? Did I do something? -[laughs]
The perfect poker face. I'm impressed.
What is this?
-But that looks like my handwriting. -Whose else would it be, silly?
How do I open it?
-I have no idea. -[laughs]
So now what?
-There's a map in there, right? -Should there be?
My dad always used to give me a map, and we'd find the treasure with the map.
-Jesus Christ. What treasure? -The pirate treasure!
Don't pretend like you don't know what's in here.
Anna… I love you, but--
[angelic choir music plays]
[Anna laughs]
There's the map!
[music stops]
-How did you open it? -No.
Come on, say it again.
-What do you want me to say? -Just repeat what you said.
-I don't know. "I love you"? -Say it. Come on.
-[angelic choir music plays] -[laughs]
Patrick, sweetie, you're the greatest, sweetest, and most wonderful
and magical man that I've ever met.
And I love you so much.
So I've been thinking, and I think we should go back to giving coal.
Mmm. I know that it could seem a little controversial in today's world,
but it worked for centuries.
Please, we both know you'd never give anyone coal, Clausy.
Of course I would!
You can't even imagine the kind of things humans gift each other.
Most of them deserve coal.
Anyway, you saw the way they treated poor Albert.
Albert is the most self-important elf I've ever met in my life.
Since he became successful, all he cares about is himself.
But he's trying, giving out presents and all.
But he's only doing that to be liked. You know he won't get much power that way.
Oh, what are you, the power expert now?
Well, actually, I am, Clausy.
I am an expert. You can't get more power without loving first.
Love who?
Humans?
You know how they are.
Always starting wars and destroying nature.
Not to mention breaking vases on my poor head.
Go to sleep.
But you know how riled up I get just thinking about this.
Just get some sleep. We have a very long day ahead of us.
[grumbles, mutters]
[Santa] Mmm.
[giggles]
I've been acting terribly. I'm sorry.
So stuck up. Sorry. [laughs]
I guess we just forgot about our dreams
and just forgot our wild sides
and just became so boring
and so ordinary.
It's actually really cool that you got that drum kit.
A pine tree, a spruce, the fence…
You actually drew everything in detail.
So, what's the treasure?
[Patrick chuckles]
No idea.
[Anna laughs]
Patrick, sweetie, what do you think about going to our parents tomorrow?
Wish them a merry Christmas.
I'm sorry, but I have a presentation and a meeting tomorrow.
Well, that sucks.
And I just realized there's no one to take David to his play.
Why did we even move all the way to Warsaw?
You wanted to. More work there, is what you said.
There was more work there too.
But not that paid well enough for a mortgage.
Why should we pay that anyway?
To be able to move to Warsaw.
[chuckles]
It's kind of stupid, isn't it?
You wanted to be closer to the opera.
Patrick, what--
What is it? Did the beard grow back?
No.
Though you looked good with that beard.
-Yeah? -Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
[gasps]
[Anna laughs]
You look great. Just need a crown and a scepter.
Maybe we could cut off the ears or something.
[David] No, no. It's okay.
If you don't wanna go, I can write you a note or something.
That's okay too.
But I want to go.
He wants to go.
There's going to be a Nativity play next year, too.
Yeah, I know that, but I have an outfit made by the magic tailor.
Exactly! The tailor who dressed King Matt himself, right?
Sweetie, you just look-- You look fantastic, really!
You look very unique. One-of-a-kind.
Mama loves you so much, honey. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
Now, thank Daddy for this great costume.
Thank you, Dad.
No problem, buddy. Mind waiting for me in the car?
Come on. I'll be right there.
Keep your ears up!
-I'll grab that. -[door opens]
-You want the other kids to laugh at him? -Have imagination. As long as he likes it…
But kids can be cruel.
Patrick, he's just having some fun.
Plus, you're starting to act all stiff again.
And who knows? The magic tailor could have made it.
Sure. Why not the son of Santa or the Tooth Fairy?
See you later, Dad.
[kisses]
Are you sure? Wanna come to work with me?
I'll make hot chocolate with a ton of whipped cream.
Whatever you wish.
Thank you, but I'll stay.
I'm sure the magic tailor knew what he was doing.
Kiddo… it was me who bought the costume.
I'm sorry, but there's no tailor.
Or any elves.
Magic doesn't exist, either.
I don't know why you keep saying that, but I still love you.
I love you too, kiddo.
-Break a leg. -Thanks.
[kid 1] Hey, new kid. Wrong holiday.
[kid 2] Cool ears. I want a pair too.
[kids laughing]
Oh, look, it's the Easter Bunny!
Why didn't you wear a donkey suit if you wanted to look like an ass?
He doesn't need a costume for that.
[teacher] Knock it off, kids! That's enough, now.
The play's about to start.
You ready?
David, is that your costume?
[kids laughing]
♪ Sweet songs of joy we sing ♪
♪ Hear us now We're Christmas caroling ♪
We bring you good tidings. Pass on the good news around the world.
-We will do it. Do not worry. -But how?
[angel] The Three Kings are coming. Look, there they are!
[audience murmuring, laughing]
[angel] We welcome you, oh great kings.
Welcome, Your Highness. Tell us, why the long ears?
[audience laughing]
The better to hear us with?
Oh, look. You even have a little tail.
This costume was made by the magic tailor!
[all laughing]
[magic whooshes]
[all gasp]
[applause]
[donkey braying]
[audience laughing]
[boss] Where the hell is he?
How many times did I tell him
that this presentation starts at twelve o'clock sharp?
-Unbelievable! -Many times, sir. But his car is here.
Do I care about his car? It won't do the presentation!
-Maybe he had to go somewhere. -Where?
-The client is already waiting. -He could've gone to the bathroom, sir.
That's it, he's done. He's done for. He's finished.
Mr. Kosmala!
Sir, I'm so sorry about being late.
Yesterday, this strange man put something on my face,
and, uh, I'm not sure what it was.
It could've been, uh, some kind of hair growth product.
It seems very strong, because every time I shave,
it just grows back again.
It just keeps growing back.
And, well-- I'm sorry, sir. I know how this sounds. I'll resign.
Um, well, wait. That man…
Who?
-The guy who-- Right. -The guy?
Does he have something for this?
For the… For the mind?
I mean for baldness.
-Ah. Well… -Ah.
-Let me think. -Let me know.
Just finish shaving. We'll talk after the meeting.
Thanks for helping me.
Don't mention it. I'd do anything for my friends.
I didn't think you'd come back,
since you said so many people love and need you.
I don't know. This place is very different from my world.
Did you know I was Elf of the Year five years in a row?
Are they gonna be all right without you?
Honestly, I'm not certain. Are you sure you really like me?
Yeah, a lot. Like everyone does.
"Like everyone does."
Is there anything I can get you so can like me even more?
No, I don't think so.
[sighs] Well, this isn't going to get us anywhere.
There must be something, no? Mmm.
I just wanna spend time with you.
That's more than enough for me.
You're a weird one.
Mom says that I'm not weird. She says that I'm unique.
Why are you taking so long?
It's not like you're going to a ball, Clausy.
Honey, can you check on that David for me?
Already doing that, sweetie.
David Kosmala. Kosmala, David…
-Found him! -And?
Uh, seems he wrote he wanted his neighbor's dog to be dead.
You see? You see? Do you see now? That's humans for you.
Wait, that was the wrong one.
Kosmala, David. Three packs of cigars.
Cigars? But he's barely 11 years old.
Oh, wait. That was David Kosmala from New Jersey, 64 years old.
-[grumbles] -What are you wearing?
What? Just a costume.
-I can't go down there looking like Santa. -Why not?
Do you want me to get hit in the head again?
Now give me that. Okay.
Kosmala, Kosmala, Kosmala, Kosmala, Kosmala, Kosmala, Kosmala…
-Well, I'll be damned. -[Mrs. Claus] Right. Let's go.
Everything's ready, boss.
♪ You're my gift The one I wanna spend Christmas with ♪
-Ho, ho! -Merry Christmas!
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ Next to our tree ♪
♪ I hear the sleigh bells And carolers sing ♪
Ah! You little liar! [laughs]
♪ Mistletoe hung high ♪
Thank you.
♪ Just for you and I ♪
Look there!
♪ California Christmas ♪
♪ Making up for my wishes ♪
♪ You and I hand in hand ♪
♪ Living in wonderland ♪
[singer vocalizing]
♪ With you ♪
[crowd oohs appreciatively]
-[Albert] Having fun? -Yeah!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[Albert laughs]
[crowd clapping]
[device clanks]
[device beeps pathetically, dings]
-Sixteen percent. -Damn. Let's go.
Don't say "damn." You're Santa's wife, for crying out loud!
I thought I was the plumber's wife.
Are you really a plumber too, boss?
He actually knows a lot about plumbing.
-He always wanted to be one. -That true, boss?
Mmm, it's been a hobby,
ever since they invented pipes.
-Now, what are we waiting for? -Right.
Do you have a fever?
No, I'm fine. Don't worry.
But it doesn't look like you're okay.
Seems like I'm losing my Christmas spirit.
Why is that?
Because I thought that I could spend a real Christmas here with you.
-You told me you liked and missed me. -But I did miss you.
If my powers continue to drop, I'll turn into a figurine, then vanish.
I promise I'll figure something out to help.
Maybe we can ask my dad.
That's a pretty good idea.
-Your dad liked his drum kit, right? -Yeah! He loved those.
He didn't show it much, but he did.
You told me he has a strong Christmas spirit,
but he seemed pretty dark to me when I saw him.
I mean, he doesn't always look like he does.
But he knows how to have a lot of fun.
[laughs] Super! I feel better already.
Your dad is my only hope.
Hey, boss, you wanna land downtown?
Are you crazy? They'll recognize us.
-Where should we land? -We'll just jump down a chimney.
Come on, Clausy. I'm not shimmying down any chimney.
-Hey, trust me. -No way.
This is the safest way to get down there. Trust me.
No, I'm not going.
Clausy! [Mrs. Claus gasps]
Where the heck did he go?
-Looks like he jumped down. -Obviously! I can see that, Erwin.
There's a plumber in a chimney. That's all we need.
[sighs] He's driving me crazy.
All right.
The Santa Agency.
You want us to get him for tomorrow? You nuts?
Call back after the Epiphany.
How 'bout you shove it, you jerk?
Learn some manners.
Think you can get a Santa on Christmas Eve?
Then just conjure one up.
[Santa groaning]
And you? Where did you come from?
-Well, I'm-- -Santa. I can see just fine, thanks.
Why are you dressed like a plumber?
It's Christmas Eve, not Dyngus Day! What's your name?
Santa Claus.
Santa? You got the hair. Where's your costume?
Well…
Unbelievable. You're clearly an amateur.
Who brought you in?
-You're not Santa material. -Ho--
Don't "ho, ho" me, mister. Warehouse, now. Put your costume on.
The Herod one. Go.
-Well, Herod was much shorter. -[Mrs. Claus] Excuse me!
That's my husband. He's just an ordinary plumber.
-Did you call for one? -No.
Well, then, we'll be off.
Sheesh! Yo, give me the beard back!
Have you ever seen a decent plumber without a beard?
-No. -Whatever.
Hold on.
You should've dressed up as Santa. Then people wouldn't be staring.
Hey, you! That's a company beard! Bring it back this minute.
What the hell are you looking at? Back to work.
[quirky instrumental music playing]
Well, then. Your guest stole our tree, and you invited him back here. Right?
-Let him finish. -Why don't you understand?
-Just listen. -That beard almost cost me my job.
Can't you understand?
-Yeah. -Okay, it was me who turned the tree.
What do you mean by "turned"?
I turned the tree into a drum kit.
Albert is innocent.
And he's not really an elf.
-Stop lying! Tell us what happened. -Wait. Let David speak.
Tell us how you did it.
Um, found a spell, um… found a spell on the internet,
and… it transformed the tree.
I'll never do it again. I swear. Really, I promise.
David, we've been over this.
There are no spells or magic.
Patrick, just stop. Please, enough.
Let's establish who your friend is, all right?
He told me he has nowhere to go on Christmas Eve.
He's homeless.
So that's why he took the tree?
No, he didn't take it. Promise.
I threw the Christmas tree out myself,
and… and I stole the drum kit.
Stole it? What do you mean?
I did. I stole it.
I just went off the rails
and I stole the drums from a music shop.
Uh-huh. So your new friend talked you into it, right?
No, he knew nothing about that. Trust me, he's innocent.
I also put hair growth cream on Dad's chin.
[doorbell rings]
-Are you expecting someone? -No.
Listen. Is your friend really an elf?
-What are you saying, Mom? -It's fine. You can tell me.
Of course not, Mom. He's just an orphan.
A while back, his house burned down.
Before that, he lost his keys.
They even cut off the power too.
He's just like the lost wanderer. You know the one.
The one we always leave a seat on the table for on Christmas Eve.
-Oh, good morning. -Yes, good morning. Look.
-Oh. -Look at what David did to my little boy.
-Look what he did. -He pushed me.
No, sweetie. You know pushing wouldn't make your ears so long.
He must have tugged really hard. Anyway, I won't leave it at that, sir.
Scratches and bruises, that I can understand. But this?
We were all young once, but this is ridiculous.
-Ta-da! What do you think? -You have to run.
What's wrong?
You told your parents I'm an elf from Santa Claus's magical kingdom?
You're not listening to me. I messed up, okay?
Do you think you can help me?
What do you need? You want another drum set?
No! Dad went to get the police, and my mom could come up here any minute.
[knocking]
[Albert's voice quavers]
[David] It's not that high. You can do it.
Where am I supposed to go? You're my only friend.
-I have nowhere to go. -Everyone loves you!
Nobody loves me at all. Do you know how awful people are?
-Well, then go back to the North Pole. -Impossible. I lost my powers.
But you're the best elf!
Well, I was the best elf there is.
Oh!
So I've taken the liberty of drawing a preliminary sketch.
That's exactly right. But the mustache
was a bit more horizontal,
and the hat was a little less pointy.
More of a U-shape.
-All right, then. Back to the ears. -Yes.
My best suggestion would be to…
Hey, what's that called?
Mmm, no idea.
-Laryngologist. -Ah, laryngologist.
No. Please listen to me. First off, this man over here--
Well, I mean his son, that is--
He pulled my little Sebke's ears.
Actually, it wasn't my son who did that. It was some strange guy.
Who I mentioned earlier when I told you about the drum set.
All right. Then I propose you have him examined
by a court-approved laryngologist assessor.
Then, let's see. For the beard situation…
Thank you. As well as for the beard,
I suggest you go see a--
What's the beard guy called again?
Ah, I know this one. A dermatologist.
Ugh. It's a barber.
Barber, yes. I suggest you see a barber.
But I would wait for the beard to grow back,
because clearly, at this point,
it doesn't seem like any kind of beard is there at this time.
[Patrick] Of course it isn't there now.
I shaved it all off. It will grow back. I swear.
And it returns all at once as well. Like bam! And it's huge, too.
It's like this big.
[phones ringing]
[Anna] David?
David, sweetie?
Piotrek…
I think we should head to my grandparents' house.
It won't really matter. I've already lost my powers.
Stop whining about everything.
You'll see what a real Christmas Eve is like.
You'll feel the Christmas spirit again and get your powers back.
I wish I could conjure up a helicopter or something,
or a jet with vertical takeoff and landing capability.
-Conjure it up, then. -You know I can't.
Well, there you go. Stop complaining and get used to the human way.
-Let's go. -Where to?
Come on! Let's go.
We'll have to hitchhike.
"To my dear parents, I have to save Albert the Elf.
I left to go find a real Christmas Eve. Love, David."
This is all my fault. I told him all those stupid stories.
Your only mistake is not listening to him.
He's smart and he's a reasonable kid.
-If he said that-- -Anna, elves aren't real.
We should have trusted him more.
We're the ones that failed him. You didn't wanna listen.
To what, some crazy story about Santa and some elves?
You know he believed your Santa stories.
[doorbell rings]
Patrick.
Damn it.
I believe him.
Hilarious.
[doorbell ringing]
Ho, ho.
Uh, hello there. I'm a plumber.
[Mrs. Claus] Sorry to bother you,
but we're looking for a lost elf named Albert.
Well, actually, our son, uh… He thinks that, uh…
He thinks that he's an elf, but he's a plumber too.
About two days ago, he came here to Warsaw, as far as we know.
[Santa] Excuse me, but that is a magnificent beard.
Looks just like a… like a plumber's.
[Albert] Snow-maidens love me.
Little baby elves love me so much.
You're looking at the Elf of the Year, five years running.
Five years running, right?
Albert, don't be a bother.
I'm sorry about him, sir.
[festive Christmas music playing on radio]
You believe in elves, right?
Why not?
I did so many good deeds for those humans.
Like, so many!
-Oh, look! Stop! There! -[driver] What is it?
[Albert laughs]
I helped that guy with some problems. I even changed his life. Stefan!
-We have to go! -Wait!
Stefan? Remember me?
-Stefan! -No! No!
Stefan, hold on! Stefan!
[Albert, David grunt]
[Stefan] No!
Stefan, wait up!
Don't be scared. Wait!
Stefan!
[Albert] Hey, no! Wait for us!
Stop, wait!
Hey, stop! No!
-[truck horn blares] -That's humans for you.
-Albert, someone else will pick us up. -Yeah, sure.
Why did you have to wave at me? If you hadn't waved, then all of this…
This is all your fault, you know?
Seems like Albert is their son, and he's the one David ran off with.
These are for you.
Oh, you didn't have to.
We're also very worried. Here.
[Santa] Oh, ho, ho.
Clausy, sweetie, please get a hold of yourself.
I'm sorry. My husband's had a bad experience with vases.
I-I might have an idea of where… of where they might have gone.
-Really? -Where?
To David's grandparents. Think about this logically for a second.
David said they were always looking for a real Christmas.
All of the best Christmases have been at my parents' house.
-How far is it? -It's in the mountains. He loved it there.
He'd sing carols and would share his Christmas wafers with the animals.
Last year, David and my husband even saw Santa's sleigh.
We didn't see it. How many times do I have to tell you?
-Is that important now? -I didn't see anything either.
He didn't see anything either.
That doesn't matter now. How do we get there?
-We should take the-- The what, dear?
Well, I'm not really sure.
We can just drive. We'll gladly give you a ride.
We'll take the car. See? There. Ho, ho.
-[David] It's not that much farther. -[Albert] I'm not gonna make it.
Keep fighting! Humans don't give up that easily.
Well, I'm not human, so… And I'm freezing.
Just look! My clothes are frozen stiff.
[Albert panting]
Did the magic tailor make 'em?
Yeah. The same one your dad goes to.
The Tooth Fairy's cousin.
[Albert panting]
[coughs]
All right. We'll have our own Christmas Eve.
Just wait here.
I'll be right back.
[Anna] Is Albert…
Is Albert a real elf?
[Mrs. Claus exhales]
Uh, your husband--
I mean, he doesn't… he doesn't really look like a plumber.
[laughs wryly]
Well, it's more of a… a hobby, really.
But he actually works at-- Well, uh…
-He works in what you could call-- -A Christmas delivery service.
Yes, you could say that.
So… that has to be a tough job.
He only works one day a year.
You can't imagine what it's like having him home day in and day out.
Thank God he found that hobby.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, mister, are you really Santa?
Me? Oh, no. Why would you say that?
Well, mister, you have a big beard.
Oh. Well, this guy has a beard too.
Yes, but he's obviously a plumber.
Anilla, stop bothering them.
It's fine. Don't worry.
-[clerk] Thank you. Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
Let's go. Merry Christmas.
Twenty on five, please.
Hey there, mister!
Love you, Santa!
Thank you, little girl.
-[clerk] Anything else? -That's it.
Uh, so do you often, um, travel to, uh…
Do you two often come down… well, um, down here?
[chuckles] Together?
First time since… since, well, 86.
Yes, 86, I think.
B.C., that is.
He's here more often.
But he gets a bit scared of humans,
hence the chimney and the invisible sleigh.
Oh. Sensitive type, huh?
I thought he loved all… well, all humans, especially small children.
He does love everyone.
That's the tragedy.
He loves them all. If he didn't, well, then Christmas magic would vanish.
It all comes from his great love for every person here.
[Patrick] I have a question.
Is there some ointment or something
that makes facial hair grow this fast, or what?
There's something I usually recommend,
and that's sparrow balm.
-Oh, I understand. -The bird.
To be clear, you're saying the bird, right?
Actually, the sparrow poop. Absolutely.
-See, my boss is bald, and he wanted… -There's actually no magic involved.
I wasn't thinking there was.
It's my wife who really believes in all that.
-Just between us. -Yes, I see.
She recently started believing in Santa Claus.
[both laughing]
[Patrick] Right?
Can't you find help?
How? I lost all my powers.
I'm not talking about magic.
You can't rely on magic your whole life for everything.
That'd be way too easy.
Too easy?
[coughing heavily]
I'm freezing my butt off.
[tender instrumental music plays]
Don't worry. You'll be warm soon.
[wolves howling in distance]
Just try and imagine.
Imagine that-- Oh, wait.
Maybe not.
-Come, stand up. -[Albert] What for?
Let's share a Christmas wafer.
But that's a candy bar.
It's a Christmas wafer. It's not a candy bar, all right?
My wish for you… is that you're always happy.
And I wish for good health.
Wealth, too.
And lots of love.
May all your dreams come true.
[David] What a great Christmas Eve.
See how many people came here?
Oh, over there is Aunt Aurelia.
And I saw Uncle Kornel down the hall earlier.
And there near the tree is Mrs. Popielak.
They're no longer with us, but every Christmas, they come back.
Seems you really do like me.
Yeah. Eat.
Up next is the carp. Then pudding.
And then cookies with poppy seeds.
Then, we'll all sing Christmas carols.
Remember those? I taught you some.
♪ Little one, little one Little boy child ♪
♪ So tiny and so new ♪
♪ All the harps and the trumpets Are playing ♪
♪ Everyone sings praises ♪
♪ Bringing joy this Christmas ♪
♪ Baby boy, baby boy ♪
♪ Bringing joy this Christmas ♪
♪ Baby boy ♪
[truck horn honking]
[man] Oh, my goodness! My Julia is back!
[gasps] My darling…
[magic whooshes]
[floor cleaner beeping]
Honey, you have no idea what I've been through.
I'm so sorry.
Really, I'm just such a wreck.
E-Excuse me, can you tell me how to get out of here?
-[woman] What are you doing? Security! -Please, could you please help me?
Sweetie.
-What? -Look at the beard.
[Santa] I know.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay, Albert?
Hang in there!
It's just over that hill there.
We'll have a real Christmas Eve,
not just a crummy candy bar.
Just hang in there.
Albert, please!
Grandpa!
[horn honks]
-[David] Grandpa! -[grandpa] David, what are you doing here?
-[Anna] Dad! Patrick, David is here. -[Patrick] Really?
-Grandpa! -David?
[Anna] David!
[Mrs. Claus] He's alone.
I know.
Where's the tree? The mistletoe?
The pierogis? Hay under the tablecloth?
Sweetie, where were you? I was worried sick, honey.
David, what were you thinking?
-Stop yelling! -I'm not. We had to drive here--
-[Anna] David, stop! -[Patrick] David, stop!
-[Patrick] David! -It's Christmas Eve!
I need mistletoe.
-David, sweetie! -Did you make pierogis?
Tell me there's hay under the tablecloth.
-A tree? Mistletoe? -No. No.
-There isn't. -Why not?
David! David!
[Patrick] David!
-[grandma] Oh, God. -David!
-[Anna] Where's Albert? -[grandma] What can we do?
Christmas supper isn't ready.
-Merry Christmas. -[Santa] Ho, ho.
[clock ticking]
You're so small, Albert.
You'll be okay. I promise.
So you're saying Albert vanished?
People don't vanish like that. We should call the police.
You already talked to them.
-Should we do nothing, then? -No, listen. Calm down, sweetie.
Oh, Albert. I'm sure we'll find him soon.
Right, honey?
No Christmas dinner this year, since we were going to be alone.
Just two old fogeys. It's a waste of a perfectly good tree.
-Mom, come on. -[Santa gasps]
Thank you for everything, but we should get going.
-[Santa] Duty calls. -Duty? It's Christmas Eve!
Some people have to work on Christmas, right?
[footsteps approaching]
Why aren't you doing anything?
Dad, you go get the mistletoe!
Grandma, why aren't you making pierogis?
-David-- -Come on, it's Christmas Eve.
Do something.
David, you almost froze to death. Enough nonsense.
[Anna] Wait.
We have to trust him.
[emotional instrumental music playing]
Mr. Santa Claus and… and, well, Mrs. Santa Claus,
you can't just leave Albert like this.
I'm afraid he's vanished.
What do you mean?
The elf.
Can't you see that's Mr. Santa Claus?
What are you talking about? That's clearly a plumber.
Can't you see that?
Coincidentally, his name is Claus. I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't get your name.
-It's Mrs. Claus. -Mrs. Claus here is the plumber's wife.
Sure.
That's a pretty heavy tree.
Albert!
[uplifting music plays]
I don't want to leave you.
I don't want you to leave either.
But… I want other kids to get gifts too, you know?
But presents aren't that important.
Will you wave at me?
Ho, ho! Albert!
Well?
-Well? -[Mrs. Claus] Clausy, stop it.
[Santa laughs]
Albert! Where on Earth have you been?
Oh, well, there's Albert. Must have been lost.
-I knew we'd eventually find him. -[Anna] He's so beautiful.
You can make ears look like that by doing this. Look.
[Santa] Anyway, listen. I want to say thank you.
Really, thank you so much.
[Santa] So listen, here's the thing.
I don't know-- Oh, ah…
I don't know. Maybe it's not a good idea, But, oh-- Well, maybe--
Clausy, just spit it out. Come on.
[Santa] Fine. Okay. So, well…
Never thought I'd say something like this,
but my wife makes a mean cheesecake.
-Clausy! -I know! I realize what I'm saying, okay?
Anyway, uh, I don't know.
Maybe one day, you'd like to come over for some…
[grunts] …uh, some cheesecake.
[laughing]
-[David] Just maybe after Christmas. -Yes, we'd love to have you.
-My husband will send a sleigh. -Yeah.
-Really, a sleigh? -Sleigh, huh?
-So, do you live nearby? -[all laughing]
-North. Not too far. -Bukowina?
Patrick!
What does it matter where they live? Doesn't matter to us.
I was asking out of concern.
Did you write your letter to Santa yet?
I did, in November.
-Huh? Huh? -Oh…
I promise to personally take care of your gift.
So how did you get your powers back, Albert?
It was thanks to you.
I mean, also thanks to me, but it was also thanks to you, really.
-Albert, it's time to get going. -Thing is-- Mm-hmm.
Albert, we have work to do. Come on.
-Merry Christmas! -You too! Merry Christmas.
-Bye. -Merry Christmas.
One day I'll tell you all about it.
But for now, bye.
-Ho ho! Bye! -[Anna] Ho, ho!
[Anna laughs]
Come on. We have to get things ready for supper.
Of course. Coming.
-Don't they want to stay for supper? -No, no, no, they had to go.
I mean, they had to fly.
-On second thought, I'll give them a ride. -No, Patrick.
Fresh air will do them good. It's fine.
What if they get lost? I wouldn't want them to get lost again.
Please be careful, okay?
Excuse me!
Dad, they're not there.
You're right. Of course they're not.
Hello?
-Come on. It's freezing. -All right.
Come in soon, okay?
Bye!
I want one last look.
No! You've done more than enough.
-But it's about Anna's present. -[grunts, sighs]
All right. Go ahead.
[magic whooshes]
Can we get going?
Just one more thing. It's just about David's gift.
He's done so much for me and I never gave him anything.
Yes, you did. Let's go!
I kept asking him what he wanted,
but he kept saying that he had everything he needed.
Don't worry. He got his gift earlier.
-What present? - Can't I just tell him, Clausy?
How can I phrase it?
He wrote that all he really wanted was for him to be able to meet, well, an elf.
Well, you see now? Let's go!
Yee-haw!
-[Anna exclaims] -[Patrick] Ah!
[Anna and David laughing]
Aren't you two just hilarious?
Okay, so 46 steps ahead. One, two, three, four.
Come on. Let's forget this and go back in.
-Grandma and Grandpa are waiting. -Oh, no, no, mister.
-How many are we at? -[David] Twenty-one.
[Anna] Twenty-two, 23, 24…
This is so much fun. It's amazing. Twenty-six, 27--
Anna, honey, listen. I really wish there was a gift here.
Though I know for a fact there isn't one. I'm sorry. I forgot it in Warsaw.
Oh, really? You didn't bring it?
[laughs] Daddy's such a terrible liar.
-He's playing a joke on us. -[Patrick] What?
Okay, where were we?
Ah, 30, 31, 32, 33…
[Anna] Thirty-four, 35…
Three little spruces.
Uh…
Jump and turn around.
This must be it.
I checked and there's nothing there.
-There! -There it is!
"For my dearest Anna."
Look, that's your handwriting.
Oh, that could be anyone's.
Fine. It looks a bit like mine. It's mine.
But how…?
It's the cherry pitter I wanted.
[Patrick] Right.
You're the greatest husband ever.
I love you so much.
And I love Santa too.
You're the greatest and most magical dad in the whole world!
You're the best dad ever.
[all laughing]
I got a cherry pitter!
[birds chirping]
Where are you, you little bastards?
[woman] Jerzy, what are you doing out there?
[festive holiday music playing on stereo]
-Feeding the sparrows, sweetie. -Have you lost your mind?
They'll poop on everything.
No, they won't.
It's Christmas Eve. It's a time for sharing.
I love you.
[woman] I love you too.
That's what it's all about. Being close to someone.
There's no Christmas without that.
No, siree.
No gifts can replace being together.
How did you get your powers back?
Did David help you?
I did it by myself.
-That's impossible. -There's no other way.
I thought that someone else could help me. I gave away tons of presents with no luck.
David loved me, Erwin, but my power…
[whistles]
I was the one who had to love him.
Nobody else can love for you.
But how did you do it?
No idea. I just felt it.
I kept having this thought. This tiny thought in the back of my head.
I felt tiny too, at that point.
Felt almost invisible.
Then another thought happened.
The thought that I would never see David again.
Or you.
Or Mrs. Claus.
Or…
I don't know how I managed.
But I realized I love you all.
I love you, Erwin.
I love you too, Albert.
[emotional music playing]
David, sweetie.
So, you wrote a letter to Santa Claus asking to meet an elf?
I did, because I thought an elf would magically bring us together again.
I wanted a Christmas like this.
But Christmas in Warsaw wasn't so bad.
Dad was trying his best.
-Mom wasn't? -Yeah.
[all laughing]
If we're not all together,
then it's not a real Christmas Eve.
Not really.
And now, I even made a good friend.
A special elf friend.
And his name was Albert.
There's really no place like home. Isn't that right?
And home is where your family is.
Now, let's sing.
[all singing in Polish] ♪ Caroling time has arrived ♪
♪ For us to sing together ♪
♪ Two babas, two babas Rising under the sheets, getting tastier ♪
♪ Fluffy two babas ♪
♪ We could eat poppy seeds Out of the mixing bowl all night ♪
♪ Eat all night ♪
♪ Under the tree With their heads down ♪
♪ Clean and dusted A donkey and an ox ♪
♪ Cat's eyes are squinting The table is set ♪
♪ It's all white ♪
♪ And the mistletoe, mistletoe Is laughing over the table ♪
♪ We'll kiss under it ♪
♪ Jesus, Jesus Stained tablecloth must be washed ♪
♪ Till the caroling dies down Christmas came and went ♪
♪ Came and went ♪
[festive instrumental music playing]