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[boy] First of all, let me get something straight.
This is a journal, not a diary.
When Mom went out to buy this thing,
I specifically told her not to get a book that said "Diary" on it.
But, of course, she didn't listen.
[video game beeping]
It's been hard enough getting through the first week of middle school
without carrying this thing around with me.
Hey, this kid's got a diary.
[laughs]
A-Actually, it's a jour--
[grunts]
[both laughing]
[boy] If Mom's expecting me to write down my feelings or whatever,
she's gonna be disappointed.
[chattering]
The only reason I agreed to write in this thing at all
is because one day I'm gonna be rich and famous.
And people'll wanna read about my early years. So I'm doing this for them.
-Greg is so smart. -So handsome.
-So brave. -And he smells terrific.
[Greg] But for now, I'm stuck in middle school…
[both grunt]
[Greg] …surrounded by morons.
[grunts]
[Greg] But luckily, I'm not alone in this middle school thing.
My best friend, Rowley, is in the same grade as me.
I doubt he's ever gonna be rich and famous,
but it's good to have him around for laughs.
Did you know if your hand is bigger than your face,
it's a sign that your brain is shrinking?
It is?
[laughs] Gotcha.
But does this mean my brain is shrinking?
Not sure.
Let's check the other hand.
[Greg] I'm glad Rowley's along for the ride,
because everything else about middle school stinks.
And I can't believe it was just a week ago
that me and Rowley were actually looking forward to this.
Heads up!
[snaps]
[bell dings]
That was a good one. You almost hit the front tire that time.
You just need to slow down a little so I can get locked in.
[Rowley panting]
-Let me get this straight. -Come on, Rowley.
So in middle school,
do you just go to a different room for each class?
Come on. You got it.
And you just carry all your stuff around with you all day?
No, no. No, no, no.
They give you a locker
so you can just ditch the books you don't need in between periods.
W-w-what about recess?
[continues panting]
There's still recess, right?
I told you, like, a million times, Rowley.
Recess is an elementary school thing.
Aw. But I like recess.
Are you gonna go, or are you just gonna sit there?
Don't you want a turn riding? I've gone three times in a row.
[dog barks]
But you're way better at riding than me. I can never do it as good as you.
Woo-hoo!
[screaming, laughing]
-[grunts] -[Rowley screaming, laughing]
[horn honks]
[laughs]
[screams]
[screams, grunts]
Oh, come on, Rodrick! You made me miss!
[Rowley] I'm okay.
[sighs]
[Greg] One of the reasons I'm friends with Rowley is
there aren't a whole lot of boys my age in the neighborhood.
In fact, aside from Rowley, there's only really-- [screams]
Fregley!
Why, hello, Greg Heffley.
[groans] Hi, Fregley. I was just, um, getting-- getting my football.
Wanna come inside my house for a playdate?
I can show you my room.
You know, I'll definitely take you up on that offer sometime.
[screams]
Wanna see my…
secret freckle?
[chuckling]
[sighs, screams]
-[Rowley laughs] -[Greg screams]
[screams, grunts]
[Rowley shouting] Should we do that one over?
[grunts]
[woman] Who's hungry?
[woman humming]
[baby grunts, giggles]
So, did everyone have a good day?
Frank, don't do that with your food. It's weird.
-It tastes better this way. -[baby grunts]
Hey! Oh!
I'm still gonna eat it.
Greg, is that dirt on your back-to-school clothes?
[sighs] Please don't call them that.
What on earth were you doing to get so filthy?
I was throwing a football in the street with Rowley.
You were playing a sport with your feet and hands and not a device.
[chuckles] Wo-- Wow.
I guess.
Mark the calendar, Susan. Greg here played a sport.
You weren't playing that game with Rowley, were you?
You know you're banned from playing that.
Somebody is going to get hurt.
What?
Oh! Oh, that game?
No. No way.
You said we couldn't play that anymore.
Right. And Rowley's parents are in full agreement.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, there. All clean.
[baby laughs]
I'm only three. [laughing]
Speaking of Rowley, how's he feeling about Monday?
Is he looking forward to his first day of middle school?
Hmm. I'm not sure.
I think he might be a little nervous, actually.
Well, he's lucky to have you as a best friend.
You know, that's all you need to get by in this world.
One good friend.
Yeah.
And you're lucky to have a big brother
who's already gone through the middle school experience.
Right, Rodrick?
-Rodrick! -Huh?
Take off your headphones. You know the rule.
Why don't you give Greg a pep talk about middle school?
Greg's going to middle school?
Yes, Rodrick.
Why don't you tell him what he can expect on his first day?
Okay, listen close. [sighs] Here's what you need to know.
First of all, watch where you sit on the first day of school,
because your teacher might make that your permanent seat.
Next, don't use the bathroom on the second floor,
no matter how bad you have to go.
-There aren't any doors on those stalls. -[toilet flushes]
And finally, whatever you do,
don't get the Cheese Touch.
'Cause if you do, you might as well be dead.
[whimpers]
Thank you, Rodrick,
-for that wonderful pep talk. -[baby babbling]
Greg, please forget everything that you just heard.
Especially the nonsense about the cheese.
But wha-- what's the Cheese Touch?
It all started in my first year of middle school.
No one knows where it came from
-or who put it there. -[boy] Don't do it!
-[Rodrick] One day… -[girl] Stay away!
[Rodrick] …a slice of Swiss cheese appeared on the blacktop.
[students] Ew!
[Rodrick] At first,
-no one would go near it. -Ugh!
-[Rodrick] And then one day… -Hmm.
[Rodrick] …a kid named Darren Walsh got curious.
-[boy] No way! -[screaming]
[Rodrick] And that's what started the Cheese Touch.
The only way to get rid of the Cheese Touch is to give it to someone else.
[screaming]
-[Rodrick] Then one day… -[horn honks]
…a kid named Abe Hall moved to California.
He took the Cheese Touch with him.
But the cheese remained.
And to this day, it sits on the blacktop,
waiting to strike again!
[Greg] Well, that's terrifying.
Don't let Rodrick scare you, Greg.
Middle school's gonna be fun.
Oh, and please don't mention the-- the cheese thing to Rowley.
Honestly, it-- it'll scare him half to death.
Who's Rowley?
Greg's best friend.
You know, the kid who's over here almost every single day.
[scoffs] Oh, him.
I thought you were babysitting that kid.
We're the same age.
He's the same age as y--
[chuckles]
Oh, man. I thought he was, like, in kindergarten or something.
[laughs] Middle school's gonna eat him alive.
Rodrick.
Let me give you one last piece of advice, Greg.
Middle school is every man for himself.
You don't need some overgrown baby weighing you down.
[Susan] Rodrick!
That's enough.
[baby exclaims]
Greg, come on, man. Trust me.
Cut him loose now or you both drown.
[door closes]
[video game beeping]
[video game beeps]
-You lose! -[Rowley] Woo-hoo!
In your face, Greg! That's three in a row.
Wanna go again?
No, that's okay. We can shut it off.
What's the matter?
Afraid to lose?
No, I'm just not in the mood.
[imitating chicken clucking]
Rowley, cut it out!
I mean--
Don't you think it's time to start acting our age?
But you always do the chicken thing to me.
[sighs] It's not just that, Rowley.
Look around this room.
All these stuffed animals, that bedspread, and what's with this Joshie guy anyway?
Joshie's from Europe.
And you're just jealous because I discovered him first.
Yeah, I'm jealous that you discovered some stupid pop star
whose fans are only six-year-old girls.
Joshie says,
"Follow your dreams and respect your parents."
Don't you think it's time to grow up, Rowley?
You're in middle school now.
Well, not yet.
[Joshie] "Be friendly to one another, yes?"
Come on, Rowley.
Middle school's no joke.
There's bullies, and bathrooms with no stall doors, and permanent seats,
-and-- and-- -And what?
And the cheese!
What's the cheese?
[Susan] Please don't mention the cheese thing.
It'll scare him half to death.
You know what?
Forget I said anything.
Middle school's gonna be just fine. In fact, it'll be great.
Yeah, 'cause we're in it together. Right, Greg? Friends till the end.
Yeah, friends till the end.
[school bell ringing]
-[girl] Hi, how was your summer? -[boy] My summer was awesome.
[girl] No, I hate camp.
Oh, my gosh, I love your backpack.
[girl 2] Did your mom dress you this morning?
[girl 3] Look at those high waters.
[girl] I heard that Peter Mud and Alicia Tango got their braces stuck together
-over the summer. -Move to the side, shrimp.
-Come on. Let's go. I don't wanna be late. -But what about the-- the cheese?
That's just some stupid fairy tale Rodrick made up.
[girl 4] Stop trying to copy my style, please.
[chattering]
[girl 5] Nice mom jeans, Kelsey.
Hair color…
You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Maybe my mom can homeschool me.
-Come on, Rowley. -[grunts]
You can do this.
We can do this. We just need to find our lockers and we'll be fine.
Heads up.
-[Rowley grunts] -[Greg] Whoa!
[grunts]
Ugh!
-[boy] But I gotta go to the bathroom! -[pounds on locker]
Ugh!
[groans]
[Rowley grunts]
-[boy chuckles] -[Rowley groans]
That's not even… [gags] …sanitary.
Yep. Homeschool for sure.
One step at a time.
Don't make eye contact, and they won't even notice you're here.
[girl 3] You better not be looking at my boyfriend, Kelsey.
-[electric razor hums] -[both groaning]
[girl 4] Come on. I was eating that.
[groans]
-[boy groans] -[shouts]
Help me.
[both grunt]
[both whimper]
Mm-mmm.
That was close.
[boy 3] Kindergarten's down the street. [laughs]
[Greg] Not so bad.
And look. Our lockers are right next to each other.
[gasps] Yes!
Look. They keep our schedules in here.
Cool. Let me see yours.
But they don't match.
Well, we've got lunch together. We'll see each other then.
[school bell rings]
-[boy] Oh, hey! -[girl] See ya!
What do we do now?
[Greg] We go to homeroom.
Mine's right here.
Yours is upstairs, I think.
-There's an upstairs? -[chattering]
-Out of the way, runt. -Move to the side, shrimp.
-Step aside, little man. -Yes, not for long, little man.
Greg! What do I do? What do I do?
[Greg] There was no time to worry about Rowley,
because I needed to focus on my own situation.
[sighs]
[chattering]
[grunts]
[Greg] I was glad Rodrick gave me a few pointers, so I knew what not to do.
[chuckles softly]
-[girl] Oh, hey. -[boy] Yeah. Awesome.
[grunts]
Uh…
-[squish] -[gasps]
[whimpers]
[boy 2] Exactly!
-[Greg] But it turns out… -[boy] Shh.
…having an older brother who went to the same school
isn't such a good thing after all.
-Greg Heffley? -Huh?
-As in Rodrick Heffley's brother? -[boy laughs]
You'll be sitting in the chair in front of my desk.
-[Greg groans] -[students laughing]
[Greg chuckling]
[Greg groans] Oh!
-[boy] Bro, dude's with the weirdo. -[whimpers]
[Greg] Just about everything's different from elementary school.
[chuckles]
[girl] Wouldn't want to be him.
Mm-hmm.
[Greg] And the biggest change is who's popular and who's not.
-Back in elementary school, it was simple. -[starter pistol fires]
If you were the fastest runner, you were the most popular.
-In fifth grade… -[cheering]
…the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.
But now, all the rules have changed.
Now it's all about whether or not you have cool hair
and how many followers you have on social media.
In middle school,
a kid like George Deveney is at the top of the food chain,
and Ronnie McCoy is scratching his head wondering what the heck happened.
So what I'm trying to figure out is where I fit into all this.
I'm sure I'm not at the top of the ladder, but at least I'm not at the bottom.
[Greg gasps]
Does this scab smell funny to you?
[Greg] But there's one way for sure to get to the bottom.
Come on!
-[boy] Run! Yeah! -Yo, get in there for the rebound, dude.
[Greg] And nobody's risking that.
-[fly buzzes] -[whistle blows]
[all gasp]
What are you standing around for?
Get the ball!
-[girl] Ew. It's so gross. -[students gagging]
[gulps]
-[boy] Hey, what did you get for lunch? -[girl] Today I have a jacket.
[Rowley] Looks pretty full up.
Oh, hey.
Try your luck with someone else. Maybe try the table next door.
-[cell phone chimes] -Eighth-graders only, newbies.
[Rowley] Should we sit with the girls?
We're out of our league here.
Hey! Over there.
-Take a hike. -Hey.
-[girl] Band members only. -[boy] Not today, guys.
[Rowley] Over there. Let's go!
[girl 2] Yeah? Check back when we're not so busy.
[chattering]
[laughs]
Uh…
[gasps] There's two!
[Greg sighs]
-[playing lone note] -[chattering continues]
And another thing.
Don't use the bathroom on the second floor.
That was a big mistake.
Yeah, I probably should have warned you about that.
[piano keys clunk loudly]
[sighs]
I can't deal with this. I need to be sitting at a table.
But you said only popular kids get seats at the table.
[Greg] Well, I heard Charlie Davies is getting braces next week,
so he'll definitely drop a few spots for sure.
But that's only one spot. We need two.
[school bell ringing]
That's all the time we get? I didn't even get to finish my juice box.
We gotta go to fifth period, Rowley.
I'll meet you back here at the door after school.
But I don't want to go back out there.
Keep a low profile and you'll be fine.
Think good thoughts, Rowley.
Good thoughts, Rowley. Good thoughts.
Hey, Greg!
After school, wanna come over and play?
Play, play, play, play, play…
[all laughing]
[girl] Play.
Play.
-Play. -[boy] Play.
-[laughing continues] -[shutters clicking]
[grunts]
I wanna come over and play. [laughs]
-Hey, kid. Wanna come over and play? -Huh?
Um, no, thank you.
Psst! Rowley!
There you are! You said we were gonna meet at the back door.
"Hang out," Rowley.
You say "hang out" in middle school, not "play."
I've told you that a million times.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Seriously, you gotta start listening to me, Rowley.
You're gonna get us both killed.
So, do you wanna hang out and "do" video games?
Better.
[Greg] Thankfully, Rowley did start listening to me.
We made it through the next few weeks alive.
But by the time Halloween rolled around, Rowley started to slip again.
Do you think our teachers will let us wear our costumes to school tomorrow?
No, Rowley. No! Have I not taught you anything?
They had a costume parade in elementary school.
Right, elementary school. We're in middle school now, remember?
Yeah, you keep reminding me.
Listen. The only reason I'm trick-or-treating this year
is for the candy.
And I really don't want anyone knowing we're doing this, okay?
-I guess. -Listen, things are hard enough at school.
I just don't wanna put a target on our backs, you know?
Fine.
So wear something that doesn't attract too much attention.
-Seriously, we have to be invisible. -Got it.
[doorbell rings]
[Susan] Ooh! Is that our first trick-or-treater?
-Can someone get the door? -I'm on it.
[screams]
[fanfare plays]
[floatie squeaks]
[Greg] What? Huh?
[Greg groans]
Rowley, what are you doing? I thought we said we were being invisible?
-My mom made me add safety stuff. -We can deal with costume stuff later.
-[baby] Bubby. -[Susan] Greg?
Let's get out of here before--
You weren't gonna leave without Manny, were you?
-Rowley, you look adorable. -Come on.
-[giggles] -Mom, can't someone else take Manny?
Well, Rodrick's at the high school party, I'm going to be handing out the candy,
and Dad is doing that thing that he does on Halloween.
[panting] Okay. Man your stations. Well, I'll man mine.
Just making sure we're not getting toilet-papered this year.
It takes too long to get that off. No, no. It's not happening.
Good thoughts. All positivity.
But Manny will just slow us down.
We're trying to double our territory this year, Mom.
Well, there are only so many houses in our neighborhood.
Wait a minute.
You're not planning to take the shortcut through Snake Road, are you?
-What? No. -[Manny giggles]
[stammering]
[chuckles] That-- That would be crazy.
Good. Because you would be in big trouble if you did.
-Right, Manny? -[giggles]
[Manny giggling]
Keep to the sidewalks, and I want you back at 8:00.
It's a school night.
8:00? 8:00 a.m.?
All right. I-- I mean, I'm fine with that.
-[chuckles] -[giggling]
Fine. 8:30 and not a second later.
Oh, Rowley, you know what? Those glow sticks are a great idea.
Let me see if I have any in the pantry.
Okay, time to go.
-Come on, Manny. You wanna get some candy? -[giggles]
[Manny] Arr!
-[boy] Thank you. -[girl] Isn't he in your class?
-[boy 2] That's a kiddy costume! -All right! Let's go!
It's the Prince of Preschool.
[girl] What a dork.
[both] Trick or treat.
Trick or treat.
-Candy. -Aw. Here, take five.
-Yay! -[chuckles]
Thanks.
Aren't you too old for trick or treat?
[floatie squeaking]
[grunts]
What the heck?
[doorbell rings]
[man chuckles] Aw.
Bye.
[man chuckles]
[man grunts]
[Greg] Unbelievable.
[Manny grunts]
[Manny cries]
Come on, guys. We need to pick up the pace a little.
You guys are killing me.
-[sighs] -[doorbell rings]
[screaming, whimpering]
Hi.
Is that a cute little pirate I see?
[Manny] Mm-hmm.
[giggling]
[woman] Aw.
Here's some extra booty for your bucket.
-Biggie! -Seriously?
King-size? It'll take you a week to get through that.
Bubby!
Hmm…
-Do you see what's happening here, Rowley? -Hmm? Aw.
-[Greg] This kid's our golden ticket! -[Manny giggles]
[cash register bell dings]
[floatie squeaks]
-Hmm? -[Manny giggles]
[both] Aw.
-[man] There you go. -[cash register bell dings]
Oh, yes!
[Manny laughing] Yay!
Bubby! Candy!
[gum pops]
[floatie squeaking]
I can't believe we never thought of bringing Manny.
-This kid's a gold mine. -Yeah. [sighs]
So we'll stop by my house, empty these bags in my room,
then head back out for another round, okay?
I don't know. I mean, Manny looks tired.
He's fine. Aren't you, Manny?
[snores, sighs]
See? That was a nod.
-Actually, I'm kind of tired too. -[Manny babbles]
Come on, Rowley. We can stock up on candy for the year!
We can't let this opportunity go to waste.
But we don't need that much candy.
Seriously? You can never have too much candy, Rowley.
Candy's like money in middle school. We can buy someone's lunch seats off them.
[Rowley yawns]
How about just like a couple more houses, okay?
[Rowley groaning]
It's the end of the night.
Everyone's looking to get rid of their candy.
-We can make a killing. -I don't know.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna hit Whirley Street.
Whirley Street? But that's like a mile from here.
-Not if we take a shortcut. -Snake Road?
-Don't you remember what your mom said? -She'll never even know.
Twenty more minutes and we'll be back at my house eating our candy. I promise.
We're not little kids anymore.
[floatie squeaking]
All right. That's my boy.
[animal howls]
[owl hooting]
[floatie squeaking]
[animal calls]
[squeaking continues]
[animal calls]
[screams, groans]
I-- I think we made a mistake.
It's gonna be worth it, Rowley. Just think about all the candy.
I don't even like candy all that much.
Rowley, do not say that. Don't even joke about it.
Do you think the Goat Man is gonna get us?
Are you kidding me, Rowley? That's obviously a made-up story.
-Rodrick was just trying to scare us. -That's what you said about the cheese.
And that was real.
Yeah, well, a half-man, half-goat?
It's not even physically possible, Rowley.
[animal bleats]
-[wings flapping] -[animals howling]
But--
But if the Goat Man was real,
do you think he's a goat on the top and a person on the bottom?
Or the other way around?
Or do you think he's got a split down the middle
with a goat on the left side and a person on the right?
[Greg grunts]
Can we stop talking about this? I think I hear some--
-[vehicle approaching] -[rock music playing]
[groans]
-["Breaking the Law" playing] -[engine revs]
Teenagers!
♪ Breaking the law, breaking the law ♪
Whoa! That was close!
Yeah. Um, let's just keep moving before--
[tires screeching]
-[engine revs] -[floatie squeaks]
[bully] Free candy. [laughs]
♪ Breaking the law, breaking the law ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Breaking the law, break-- ♪
-[engine turns off] -[laughs]
Look at these little nerds, out past their bedtimes.
Yeah. Shouldn't you be getting a good night's sleep? [chuckles]
Kindergarten starts early. [laughing]
Actually, we're in middle school. My bedtime's not until 9:00.
Mom let me stay up extra tonight.
Yeah, we-- we better head home. Have a good night, fellas.
Ooh! Look at those bags. Is that all candy?
Mostly. But my parents handed out miniature toothbrushes this year,
so we've got those too.
We'd really better-- [chuckles] We-- We'd really better get going now.
It would be a real pity if that candy got wet.
[laughs]
-[bully 2 laughing] -[Greg, Rowley screaming]
[bully 3 laughs]
-What? -Huh?
[upbeat orchestra music playing]
-[growls] -[groans]
Greg, run!
[Rowley pants]
[bully 2 laughs] Let's go!
[tires squealing]
[bullies cheering, laughing]
[panting, screaming]
[Rowley] Hang on to Manny!
[Rowley panting, grunts]
[squeaks]
[grunts]
[bullies] Whoa!
[panting]
[bullies laugh]
-Yeah! -[laughing]
[panting continues]
[both grunting]
[grunts]
[both grunting]
[laughs] Yeah, baby!
[panting]
[laughs] Not so fast!
[panting continues]
[bully] Whoo!
[Greg grunts]
-[bullies screaming] -[tires squealing]
-[Greg] Whoa! -[Rowley screams]
[bullies screaming]
[screams, grunts]
[growls]
[panting]
[laughing]
Oh, yes!
You'll pay for this!
We know where you go to school!
[engine stalls]
-Whoa! -[screams]
[both grunting]
[grunting, groaning]
[Manny yawns]
Is this…
My yard! We made it, Rowley.
We're alive!
I told you, Rowley.
If you just stick with me, everything will be fine.
Now let's get inside and enjoy some of this candy.
[both scream]
Ha ha! Oh!
Sorry. I-I thought you were teenagers.
Are you all right?
You're all right.
We were worried sick about you two.
-Mama. -Where were you boys?
Snake Road.
[chuckles]
[Manny] Busted.
[Greg] Mom grounded me from playing video games for a week,
which is her go-to punishment.
That meant I had to figure out something else to do with my time after school.
Woo-hoo!
[gulps]
I'm thinking I might either run for student council
or maybe sign up for the dance committee. Or maybe I'll try out for the play.
-They're doing Wizard of Oz this year. -Uh-huh.
Chirag Gupta wants to be Toto,
and Patty Farrell says Mrs. Norton already promised her Dorothy.
I'm trying to decide if I wanna try out for the Scarecrow or the Cowardly Lion.
[sighs] Sounds great, Rowley. Can you go now?
Well, aren't you gonna sign up for anything?
My mom says, "It's important to belong to something when you're in middle school."
Belong to something?
Rowley, I can't even get a seat at lunch, and I'm sick and tired of it.
But if we were in the play,
we could make friends who could invite us to sit at their lunch table.
That's a lot of work, Rowley. And it'll take too much of my time.
I need to change my situation now!
[chuckles] Oh, yeah!
[grunts] Whoa!
Hey, oh!
Rowley!
[groans]
You okay? I feel so bad! I really didn't mean to flip you.
[groaning]
I think I hurt my arm.
Yeah, I think I might have pulled something myself.
Can you believe that throw though? I mean--
[groans]
Ow.
Oh, man. You're really hurt.
[groans]
I think I'd better go home.
Okay. But you can't tell your parents how this happened.
If my mom found out we were playing this game, she'd go nuts.
-I'm already grounded. -What am I supposed to tell them then?
Just say you were playing tag and that you tripped on the curb.
But whatever you do, don't mention the Rumble Trike.
Got it?
Got it.
-[Greg] So what happened at the hospital? -[Rowley] They took a bunch of X-rays.
The doctor says my arm is broken.
Broken?
Oh, man. I thought it was just bruised or something.
Nope. I've got a cast and everything.
A cast? That's serious!
[Rowley] Yeah, I know.
I mean, that's really awful and everything.
-But do you know what this means? -Yeah.
I have to put a plastic bag over my arm in the shower for a whole month.
No! What this means for school.
I guess I can't do the wrestling unit in Phys Ed?
Rowley! A cast is the greatest thing that can happen to a kid.
-It is? -Yes, Rowley.
-Everyone's gonna wanna sign it. -What? They will?
Yes. Kids will be begging you to sit at their lunch table.
Yeah.
And I hope you'll remember who your real friends are, Rowley.
The people who helped you get to where you are.
-Yeah. -What about your parents?
Are they suspicious?
I told them I tripped on a rock playing Duck, Duck, Goose, like you said.
Like I said?
We were playing tag, Rowley! And you tripped over the curb.
It doesn't even make sense for two people to play Duck, Duck, Goose. Come on!
-Oh, yeah. Sorry. -We gotta get our story straight,
or they're gonna find out about the Rumble Trike.
Did you say, "Rumble Trike"?
[gulps]
[Susan] I don't know what to do with you, Greg.
First you disobey me and go to Snake Road.
Then you play that-- that game.
I told you someone was going to get hurt playing that.
[sighs] I'm sorry, Mom. I just…
And now this? [sighs]
Lying to me is bad enough,
but telling Rowley to lie to his parents is just-- just--
[sighs]
Mom, I know I messed up.
You can take away my video games for the month.
The year if it makes you feel better.
Punishing you doesn't make me feel better, Greg.
I'm trying to raise a good kid.
I do wanna be good, Mom.
Well, then here's what you need to do.
You need to figure out a way to make things right by Rowley.
You owe that to him.
That boy is such a good friend to you.
Yeah, Mom.
I can't tell you how to make things right.
That part is up to you.
[sighs]
-But Mom… -Listen to that inner voice, Greg.
I know it's in there.
Do the right thing.
[door closes]
[Greg] Okay, I know what my mom wanted me to do.
She wanted me to tell Rowley's parents the truth about what happened.
But here's the thing. Rowley's dad has never really liked me.
I knew if I told him what really happened,
it was just gonna make him like me even less.
That wouldn't make things any better.
I don't wanna get Rowley in trouble for lying,
'cause then he'd be in trouble too.
So, I decided the right thing to do was to just let things be.
Because telling the truth would make things worse for everybody.
[chattering]
-Ooh. -Oh, my gosh. What happened?
-It looks so cool. -Oh, you're so great.
Can I sign it?
[Greg] And I'll tell you another thing that I was right about.
That cast. In fact, it worked even better than I thought it would.
It's so cool.
[chattering]
[Greg] Just like I predicted, getting a seat at lunch was no problem at all.
[sighs]
[grunts]
[Greg] Well, at least for Rowley it wasn't a problem.
Here comes the airplane.
-[girl imitates airplane] -[imitates airplane, smacks lips]
-Nom! -Here comes the train!
Chugga chugga chugga, choo choo!
He can feed himself just fine, okay?
Mmm.
You know Rowley's left-handed?
Who are you?
I'm Greg Heffley, Rowley's best friend.
I'm the one who broke his arm.
[girls stammering]
You jerk!
-[girl] Get out of here. -[boy] Heads up!
[chattering, laughing]
[Greg] I couldn't have Rowley hog all the attention,
so I decided to whip up an injury of my own.
[chattering]
[girl gasps]
Yeah. No big deal. [sighs]
It's just an infection caused by a splinter that was left untreated.
[gags]
-Hey. -[screams]
Can I peek at your infection?
[grunts] Ew.
[Greg] I realized I couldn't compete with Rowley's stupid injury.
[grunts]
So that meant I needed to find something of my own.
And just like that, I did.
[door closes]
Hey, Greg. I couldn't find you after school.
Huh?
Sorry. I wanted to go home and start working on my comics.
Your comics? For what?
The school paper.
One of the cartoonists quit, so now there's a spot open.
Can I help?
Sorry, Rowley. There's only one spot open.
[laughing]
Zoo-Wee Mama!
[laughs]
This is funny!
"Oops. I've stepped in a puddle!
Well, at least it's not an acid puddle!
Ah! It is an acid puddle!
Zoo-Wee Mama!"
Zoo-Wee Mama! Do you have any more like this one?
I'm working on something better.
Check this one out. It's called "Creighton the Cretin."
[Rowley] "Hiya, doc! Can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it."
"Everyone's butt has a crack in it, you idiot!"
"Oops."
But when does he say, "Zoo-Wee Mama"?
He doesn't.
I think it'd be funnier if he said, "Zoo-Wee Mama!"
You know what? If you wanna draw your own comic, be my guest.
But we always do everything together.
Yeah, well, not this time. Sorry.
But can we be partners?
You can write the comic, and I can draw it.
No offense, Rowley, but you don't even draw noses on people.
Sorry. This is kinda my thing, like the way Joshie's your thing.
Okay. Well, I guess I'll go work on my comic at my house.
Sounds good.
[sighs]
See ya.
-[school bell rings] -[chattering]
[Greg] After I turned in my comic, all I could do was wait.
But after a whole week went by,
Mr. Humphreys made an announcement.
[Mr. Humphreys on PA] Attention, students. After careful consideration,
we've made a decision on the cartoonist for the school paper.
And the new cartoonist is…
-Greg Heffley. -Yes! Yes!
This is possibly the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.
[chattering, laughing]
-That's the dude? -He wrote that?
Is that cartoon kid?
[laughing]
[Greg] For the first time since I stepped through those double doors,
I wasn't invisible.
-[grunts] -Teacher's pet!
[boy] Aren't comics supposed to make you laugh?
"Creighton the Curious Student."
-[girl] Did you think that was funny? -What the--
[Greg] "Teacher, if x plus 43 is 89, what would x be?"
"Why, it would be 46!"
"Thanks! Kids, if you'd like to learn more about math,
have Mr. Humphreys show you around
the newly expanded math and science section of the library."
"And thanks to the Parent-Teacher Organization for funding the new section.
Our old books were badly outdated."
They changed it?
-Teacher's pet! -Thanks for ruining my day.
-What a waste of ink. -Nerd!
[chattering]
[chattering stops]
[all] Boo!
[boy] Teacher's pet!
[Greg] See? That's what happens
when the school librarian is in charge of the newspaper.
They've always gotta get pushy with their books.
[students booing]
[Greg] One week after I quit,
Mr. Humphreys chose someone to replace me, and you'll never believe who he picked.
-[girl] Zoo-Wee Mama! -[chattering]
[laughing]
[boy] Zoo-Wee Mama!
[laughing]
-[boy 2] Zoo-Wee Mama! -Zoo-Wee Mama!
[laughs]
Zoo-Wee Mama!
[girl laughs]
[boy 3] Zoo-Wee Mama!
[Greg] "Hey, pretty lady. Do you wanna go on a date?"
"I'm actually not a lady. I'm one of those dogs with long hair.
So, no thanks to that date."
"Zoo-Wee Mama!"
So a kid who can barely draw got his comic in the school paper?
It's totally unfair. Why didn't they censor Rowley's work?
[piano keys clang]
You stole my comic.
You said you didn't wanna do it anymore.
Well, couldn't you come up with something original for once, Rowley?
Well, I can't help it if I'm just naturally funny.
Zoo-Wee Mama!
-Zoo-Wee Mama! -[students] Zoo-Wee Mama!
[cheering]
You know what? I hope you enjoy all this, because I'm tired of carrying you.
Maybe it's the other way around.
This comic, this lunch table, that cast.
You wouldn't have any of it if it wasn't for me!
Yeah, because you broke my arm.
Yeah. You're welcome.
[students groan, giggle]
-[bully] Rowley deserves your respect. -[whimpers]
-Zoo-Wee Mama! -[students] Oh!
[slurps]
[Greg] Okay, I'll admit.
Maybe I could have handled the situation at lunch a little better.
But I figured, after a while,
me and Rowley would cool down, things would go back to normal.
So do you like DinoBlasters?
No.
I love it.
[both laugh]
[Greg] Thing is, that hasn't happened yet.
Rowley's been hanging out with this kid Chirag every day.
You know the only reason he's doing it is to make me jealous.
[both laughing]
But two can play at that game.
-You wanna see my room? -Yeah.
[scoffs]
[sighs]
Yes! Come on!
[doorbell rings]
[door creaking]
[gasps]
The one and only Greg Heffley is on my front step.
[gasps, chuckles]
Yeah, I guess I am.
So I was thinking, me and you are neighbors.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
But we barely even know each other.
How'd you feel about a sleepover?
Tonight?
Yeah. Right now. You and me. Just a couple of pals.
Woo-hoo! Come on in.
[laughing]
[birds squawk]
[clocks ticking]
Hey! [chuckles]
[laughter echoes]
-[grunts] -[clock chimes]
You know, maybe we should take this one step at a time.
How about if we just play a quick game of cards and call it a night?
-[Fregley babbles] -[screams]
Hey, Greg.
[stammers, whimpers]
[laughing]
-[screams] -[Greg screams]
[Fregley's mother] Oh, Fregley. Do you have a playmate over?
Would you like for me to knit him some socks?
[Greg] Yep. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be in therapy over this.
Yeah! [laughs]
Whoo!
Greg Heffley's in my room.
Woo-hoo!
Yeah, but just for a short visit.
In fact, I really need to be--
You wanna play make-believe?
You can be the church organist, and I'll be the school hygienist.
You know, that's tempting. But I'm not really into--
How about a tickle fight?
[laughs] Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
I'm gonna tickle, tickle.
I got you. I'm tickling you. Ha ha!
[both laughing]
Hey! What are you doing?
Give me some space here.
Can't you just stay over there?
Well, what do you wanna do then?
I don't know. I thought if we…
[Fregley] Mmm. [chews] Mmm.
Fregley! That's the only candy bar I had that wasn't wet.
Mom never lets me have chocolate.
Says it makes me hyperactive and unstable.
[panting, laughing]
-Fregley, are you okay? Fregley! -[laughing]
[Greg] I've blocked out big parts of that night.
Hey, Greg.
[Greg] I'm so glad I can't remember every little thing that happened.
[Fregley laughing]
-[groans] -Hey!
[Greg groaning] But what I do remember
is that I ended up locked up in Fregley's bathroom
while I waited for his sugar high to wear off.
[Fregley] Dear Gregory,
I'm sorry I ate your candy and chased you with a booger.
Here, I put it on this piece of paper so you can get me back.
Signed, Fregley.
What the--
[screams]
But if I could, I would forget everything.
[chattering]
[chattering continues]
[school bell rings]
-[chattering] -[grunts]
Hey, Greg. Hey!
Oh, hey. Hey, Rowley. What's up?
I was wondering if I could stop by your house today
and pick up my copy of Twisted Wizard.
Me and Chirag want to play it.
Yeah, well, I've had it for a while, so it's kind of mine now.
I guess you and your new friend will have to find something else to do.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not the only one with a new friend.
You mean Fregley?
I'm permanently scarred from that night.
And it's all your fault for ditching me.
I ditched you? More like the other way around.
You haven't been the same ever since you got that stupid cast.
-You've changed. -Fight!
-Oh, yeah? -[girl] They're gonna fight.
Well, you're the one who broke my arm.
[boy] You can take him. Knock him down!
Guys, come over. Come check out the fight.
-[boy 2] Why don't you make a move? -[girl 2] Unless you're chicken.
[students chanting] Fight, fight, fight!
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
[boy 3] Where'd you learn to fight? Ballerina school?
[girl 3] If you don't do something, I'm gonna fall asleep.
Who taught you how to fight? Your granny?
Are you two gonna fight or keep dancing with each other?
Do they even know how to do this?
[Rowley screams]
-[tires screeching] -[Greg, Rowley grunt]
-Let's get out of here! -Come on. Let's go!
["Breaking the Law" plays on car stereo]
[music stops]
Well, look who it is.
Our little friends from Halloween.
We told you we'd find you.
And now you're gonna pay for busting my tire.
But, like, how are they gonna pay?
Yeah. Do you mean, like, with money?
'Cause not everybody carries cash these days.
No, you morons.
Pay, as in, like, revenge.
[both gulp]
Okay. Now we're all on the same page. [chuckles]
[both grunt]
[laughs] Okay. Now what?
I am thinking.
Ooh! Ooh!
-You still got that fire extinguisher? -[sighs]
Nah. My mom made me put it back in the house for "fires."
[scoffs]
[chuckling] What's this one looking at?
Uh, it looks like…
[gags]
[bullies] Cheese!
-[gagging] -[laughing]
[Greg] Now, I really can't say what happened next.
Because if Rowley ever tries to run for president when he grows up
and people find out what those teenagers made him do,
he won't have a chance.
So all I'm gonna say
is that the teenagers made Rowley
-blank, blank, blank the cheese. -[Rowley chewing, retching]
[Rowley gagging]
Okay. You're next.
No. But I just had lunch. I'm not even really that hungry.
You're not getting out of this.
But, um, I'm lactose intolerant.
[grunts] It'll make me gassy.
[fly buzzing]
[flies buzzing]
-[whistle blows] -Huh?
Get out of here, you punks!
[tires squeal]
You boys okay?
-[boy sighs] What happened? -They're gone.
-What's going on? -What's going on over here?
The cheese!
Look! There's--
There's a piece missing!
-[boy 1] What? -[boy 2] What?
[students gasping, gagging]
-Disgusting! -[boy 3] Ew!
[Greg] Trust me, I was tempted to tell everyone the truth about what happened,
but then I heard that annoying inner voice.
[Susan] Do the right thing, Greg.
That's all you need to get by in this world, you know?
One good friend.
[girl] Somebody has the Cheese Touch.
Rowley Jefferson ate the--
No!
It was me! Those teenagers dared me to do it, and I did it!
So what? No big deal.
-Greg Heffley has the Cheese Touch! -[all gasping]
-[boy] He has the Cheese Touch. -[girl] Oh, ew!
[students screaming]
[boy 2] The Cheese Touch!
[students chattering, screaming]
[Greg] Okay, so I might have bent the truth a little,
but sometimes you have to do that sort of thing to help a friend.
So, uh…
you, uh, wanna go to my place
and, I don't know, play some Twisted Wizard?
Yeah. That'd be good.
Oh, man. I totally would've had you.
[Greg] Are you kidding? You were totally about to start crying.
[Rowley] I had something in my eye.
[Greg] I could've taken you with my eyes closed.
[Rowley] I could've beaten you with my little pinkie.
[chattering]
[Greg] Having the Cheese Touch hasn't been as bad as I thought.
Cheese Touch!
[students screaming]
[Greg] The kids at school give me plenty of space.
And it's not just in the hallways.
I've pretty much got the run of the place.
[screams]
And the best part is,
getting a seat at lunch is not a problem anymore.
-Run! -[screams]
[Greg] In fact, I've got a whole table to myself.
[students murmuring]
Well, maybe not entirely to myself, but I'm fine with it.
[chattering]
And things are good with me and Rowley.
In fact, they're better than good.
But if Rowley ever steps out of line,
I'll let everyone know who really ate the you-know-what.
Come on. Almost there.
-[laughs] -[Rowley laughs]
-I got you. -[video game beeping]
-Eat my dust! Get out of my way! -Oh, you got lucky that time.
How are you this bad?
-Oh! -Best of three!