Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
- Hi.
- Hi! - Hi.
- So happy you guys could join the discussion today.
- Am I too loud?
I didn't really mess with my microphone volume.
- I wanna make sure that my camera placement is right.
Here, and then my laptop straight ahead.
- I just trust you to film whatever angle
you think you look best in.
- [laughing] - Okay, cool.
- I'm just gonna have everyone hold your hands
sort of in front of your face
and if everyone could clap so we could sync audio
that would be a huge help.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hey. - Hi.
- I was just thinking about, like, how kind of cathartic
this is to talk to people that kind of understand...
kind of some of the darker stuff
that we've sort of lived through.
It's just that it's a great feeling.
[mid-tempo music]
- * Oh, yeah *
* *
* I am not the things my family did *
* I am not the voices in my head *
* I am not the pieces of the brokenness *
* Inside *
* No, I am not mistakes that I have made *
* Or any of the things that cause me pain *
* No, I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind *
* *
- I think I knew. I think I knew for a while.
A lot of, like, my seventh and eighth grade year
was me looking up, like, depression tests online
and doing different things like that.
Like, I think that I had a sense of it.
- I think I knew that I was sad, but...
I didn't quite understand depression fully
'cause even when I was in eighth grade,
it wasn't a very... common subject amongst people.
Only when I got into high school
did it start being voiced by people, but I was very...
very confused.
- Depression didn't really kick in, like, full-blown depression
until I was probably in middle school.
That's when I would hit these bouts of just...
this dark kind of sadness I really couldn't understand.
- I felt alone and I felt scared,
and I was having these ideas of what killing myself
would even look like.
- Probably the first time I thought about suicide
was when I was 13.
- I would imagine what I would look like in a casket
or I would imagine...
kind of what my funeral would look like.
- I don't think I ever fully wanted to die.
I think I wanted to escape.
- I wasn't really able to talk to my parents
because I was just an angsty kid, right?
And when you're a kid,
you avoid your parents. It's what you do.
- I remember when I told my dad about my suicide attempt,
he took me to church
because he had thought I was possessed.
[chuckles] I was like..."That is not it."
[suspenseful music]
* *
- This is Annie with YouthLine.
What's going on tonight?
- All right, we have two new texts in queue.
Can anyone grab those?
Thank you.
* *
All right, so they confirmed
that they're having thoughts of suicide.
- Okay.
- I'm a lead volunteer at the YouthLine.
I've been working with YouthLine
a little over a year.
Part of why I love doing this work
is because of the personal experience that I have.
Freshman year of high school, I tried to kill myself.
It hit my family really hard
and when I was in that space, I wasn't, like,
capable of thinking about how it was affecting other people,
which is generally how it is.
I think I definitely empathize with the fact
that generally when people are suicidal,
it's really, really hard to think about
how it's gonna affect others.
A lot of times, you feel like others aren't gonna care
and that's just what your brain is telling you, which sucks.
I had felt like that for a long time.
I think other people noticed, but I've always been...
for lack of a better word, high functioning.
* *
At the beginning, I tried to hide it
and I tried to not let people know what was going on for me.
But freshman year was when stuff kind of got scattered.
I was hospitalized for the suicide attempt.
I was kind of like in and out of the hospital
a lot of my freshman year
and was just really, really struggling with, like,
talking about what was going on for me
and not being, like, so angry at everyone
because I was really angry at everyone.
You talked about how things
don't feel like they're getting better
and how you're trying really hard
and it doesn't seem like stuff's working.
Are you thinking about suicide at all?
I used YouthLine as a resource.
It was kind of my last resort.
I wasn't super into the idea at first
and I didn't really understand, like,
why hotlines would be helpful
and then I did use it.
And it was a lot easier to open up to somebody
that was my age.
Okay.
It sucks to hear people who you, like,
so viscerally feel like we're in the exact same spot
as you were before because, like,
I remember being in that spot
and I remember how much it sucked
and how much I didn't want to talk to anyone
and how much I, like, really could not imagine it
getting any better.
[laughs] Yeah.
It sucks, but sometimes it's good to let it out.
Do you think that it would be helpful to try to check in
with either, like, the treatment people
or that teacher tomorrow
and then we could call you back after school?
You think that would be helpful?
Okay. Give me one second.
When I was 15, 16,
I could not see myself having a job or going to college
because I just couldn't see my future that long.
So every time I'd get through one of those milestones,
that's what I think about
and I think about how happy I am to be alive
and how grateful I am that I kept going.
[calm music]
* *
[mid-tempo music]
* *
- My name is Hannah, and I am a high school senior.
[car horn honking]
I'm also an extrovert.
Whoo! - Yeah!
- And I'm the only extrovert
in a household of introverts.
I live in Forsyth County, Georgia.
It's the South.
It is a very interesting...
area, if you get what I'm saying.
Growing up, it's always just been an unspoken rule
that because of the color of my skin,
I have to work ten times as hard
in order to be seen as half as good.
I grew up to strive for perfection
quite literally.
I was a competitive gymnast.
I was in the gym over 30 hours a week.
But the end of seventh grade, I got really sick
and I started getting these dizzy spells
and I started fainting.
And because of my fainting, I was bullied.
I was harassed, I was sexually threatened.
Freshman year, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.
I just felt so hopeless. I felt useless.
You know, used to be an athlete.
I was on top of the world. I was a gymnast!
You know, nothing could have stopped me.
And I went from being that
to a kid who needed help just to be able to walk.
It was just...awful.
* *
I didn't want to be seen as the weak little Black girl.
And not only that, but with the sexual harassment threats,
I felt terrified.
You know, what happens if I pass out
around the wrong person?
So that was when I started struggling with anxiety
and depression.
I never thought that it'd get that bad
until I passed out at school one day, again,
and my mom had to come to the nurse's office.
And just to see the look on her face
when I was in the wheelchair
and she had to wheel me out to her car yet again--
I didn't want to be her burden,
and it just kind of snowballed from there.
Until one night,
I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night,
grabbed all of my dad's medicine...
and my mom, luckily, she barged into my room
right when I started to swallow one handful at a time.
And...
just the horror on her face when she found me will...
forever be burned into my memory.
* *
Honestly, I don't even think the thought occurred to her
to take me to a hospital.
You know, I think it all goes back to that idea of...
weakness in the Black community
and how we don't allow ourselves to be seen as weak.
But the night of my suicide attempt,
me and my mom kind of looked at each other
and we were, like, "Okay, well...
this--we might...I might need some help," you know?
We started looking for Black therapists
so that I have someone that I could relate to
on...on lots and lots of bases.
I love therapy. I'm in therapy religiously.
It's helped me be okay with myself
and learn to love myself.
* *
I started messaging myself
things to motivate me throughout the day.
And that's when my brother and I had the idea
for the "Not OK" app--
basically, a digital panic button
that sends an alert with a message
that says "Hey, it's me, and I'm not OK."
I--honestly, I love creating and I love solving problems
and I love sending those solutions out into the world.
- * Ooh *
- * I *
* I am light, I am light *
- Now, I am my definition
of "Black Girl Magic," you know?
I love myself.
I'm wearing my natural hair, you know?
I don't care what anyone else thinks besides me
because I know that I'm magic.
I know how powerful I am.
I know that I'm strong...
even though I can be vulnerable.
- * I am light *
[train horn in distance]
- Janis, sitting up here in New York.
Never expected to be studying suicide
and self-injury at all, honestly,
but I tend to like things that make other people nervous.
I like--I like the things
that are on our-- in our social edge
because I think that's where the greatest authenticity is,
sort of the place where humans
are in some ways the most human.
Your journeys have been really hard-won.
This is hard-won wisdom, right?
So when you look back
and when you look at the situations
of other people you encounter,
what do you think are the greatest obstacles
in getting help or receiving help?
- My maybe biggest barrier to getting help
is that for, like, a really long time,
I didn't want help. You know?
And I was so used to, like...
dealing with it on my own.
And I was so deeply
kind of stuck in my own head
and that even though it was so bad,
it was also kind of comfortable
because I had been there for so long
and I didn't necessarily want to get better.
- Yeah. I'll pitch in next.
I'd started off fighting every form of treatment
that I was offered.
I'd go to counselors and I wouldn't be able
to speak with them 'cause I would just constantly
try to outsmart them.
- I...
I grew up very perfectionistic,
and I had a lot of internalized transphobia
that was made worse by my perfectionism
because I felt like being trans wasn't being perfect.
- I am of South Asian descent.
I'm an immigrant. I am Indian.
My parents are Indian,
and within the South Asian community,
mental health is incredibly stigmatized.
Like, it's incredibly stigmatized everywhere,
but specifically within immigrant communities
is beyond stigmatized.
- When my family and I,
we were going through family therapy,
we still had a lot to work on, you know?
I was in a much better place, but I was still in a dark place
and I was trying to be honest and open with my family.
But we had to work really, really hard
to break out of those stigmas that were beat into our head
from such a young age, you know?
- I think for me being a member
of the Latinx community,
just culturally, you know,
the way I was raised in that community as a male
regarding help-seeking, regarding mental health issues
and the diagnosis that I had at that time,
overcoming that, the stigma--
that was a pretty significant barrier.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I think you hit it on the head.
We kind of keep it to ourselves,
and we're not able to have conversations about it
and bring light to it
and actually empathize with each other
because we think it's just this rare thing
that happens to a select few, but it really isn't.
[train horn in distance]
[dog howling]
- Yeah, so...
I'm too, uh, too jacked for this shirt, apparently.
It's a wand that's doing a Patronus of a wolf,
and the wolf is going up against a Dementor
and a Golden Snitch right here
and the a little bit of Hogwarts School down here.
[mid-tempo music]
* *
When I was bouncing around
in patient treatment facilities,
"Harry Potter" was such a good, like, escape for me.
It really helped me cope a lot.
* *
I was a very emotional kid
and I just had these really strong feelings
that were really difficult for me to regulate.
In the Latin culture particularly,
there is a stigma against-- any sort of mental health
challenge or issue is a sign of weakness.
And then, furthermore, as a male in that culture,
I was to be the protector.
I was to be the-- you know, strong.
And there's the kind of, like, "machismo" stereotype.
Because my folks came to the U.S. from Guatemala,
there were so many standards.
Like, "We came here for you to live a better life.
"You need to work extra hard
"because people are gonna be watching you.
"People are gonna be waiting for you to screw up.
People are gonna be waiting for you to get in trouble."
From a very young age,
I showed signs of having significant anger issues.
But then, beyond that, I had anxiety
and these really intense racing thoughts.
What I describe racing thoughts
for people that don't know, it's like...
it's never positive things.
It was never, like,
"Oh, I feel great. I can't wait to go to school.
"I can't wait to go hang out with my friends
"and ask questions at school,
talk to my teachers and all that stuff."
Like, it was never anything like that.
It's always negative thoughts, like,
"Oh, like, why'd you do that? That was so stupid.
"Like, don't do that. Why'd you say that?
"Don't--why'd you--don't go to class, don't do this,
you can't do that, don't even try, you're gonna mess up."
Like, it's that racing, just exhausting dialogue in my head.
Come sophomore year, my mental state was just really fragile.
And by my senior year,
I started to feel this, like, immense pressure.
* *
My brothers both went to Ivy League schools.
One of my brothers was at MIT and the other was at Penn.
* *
Everybody was kind of like, "Wow!
"Look at what you're family's done since they've been here.
That's awesome." Like, "You're next."
* *
And I felt like a burden.
* *
I remember just feeling like
I just didn't want to be here anymore.
* *
Took a bunch of pills and took my parent's car.
* *
I remember just seeing these flashing lights
in my rearview mirror.
I remember thinking to myself, "It's too late.
They can't stop me. This is over."
I remember just looking up and seeing this state trooper
out of his car, gun drawn,
and I remember just saying to him, like,
"Please, just shoot."
Like, "There's nothing you can do.
You can't save me."
He kind of saw that I was in distress
and, fortunately, was able to subdue me away from traffic
and I blacked out.
I woke up handcuffed to my hospital bed.
I was admitted into a day treatment program.
I remember thinking,
"I don't think I can amount to anything.
I don't think I can go on. I don't think I have a future."
[birds chirping]
I had two or three friends that would write me letters
and check in on me.
I had the support from most of my family
even though, you know, a lot of them
couldn't really understand or relate
to what I was going through.
And I remember thinking to myself,
I've, like, fucked this up so much."
Like, I've been my own worst enemy in so many ways.
But if there's anybody that can look me in the eye
or write me these letters and tell me they care about me
and they still think I can be, like,
a functioning adult in the future...
maybe I should trust them.
[birds chirping]
I remember going to my therapist,
this old white dude with, like, a curly mustache
and would, like, rock in his chair during our sessions.
And I remember going to him and being, like,
"I'm so pumped, I can't wait to get out.
"I'm gonna graduate high school,
I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna, like, go do things."
And, like, I was genuinely excited and motivated
and he kind of just looked at me
and he, like, rocked in his chair
and he, like, twirled his mustache
and he was like, "Pablo...
"Your true test is gonna be,
"are you gonna be able to maintain--this momentum
"that you have right now in this moment--
"are you gonna be able to maintain that
when there's a challenge?"
[calm music]
So I went back home and graduated high school
and started to kind of just change things up.
I started working at a health club
and learned a lot about having a healthy body
and a healthy mind.
Met who is now my beautiful wife.
Got a dog and learned how to have to, like,
walk it three times a day and feed it.
And so I kind of learned that I needed to have, like,
foundation upon foundation
upon safety net and backup plan
so that, like, no matter what blew up in my life
that I could still bounce back and just take it as, like,
an obstacle and keep it moving.
* *
Boom!
Like, through COVID and being at home
and all the racial injustice
that's coming into the spotlight right now,
it's like...
you have to be patient and kind with yourself
and with those around you to help understand
and to help listen
and to help push through this really tough time.
[moody music]
* *
[soft music]
* *
- How are you doing?
- I'm doing okay.
I had a pretty decent week for the most part
except for my birthday.
I turned 25.
Yeah, I don't--I don't like my birthdays.
Like, all my past birthdays, my recent birthdays,
from, like, 19 until now have all been super shitty.
Like, my last birthday, I was in a psych hospital
for, like, two months. - Okay.
- And so it just makes me feel bad.
[sighs]
What do I do when I'm feeling super intense?
Like, I'm getting clouded.
Like, "Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself.
Life is worthless," like in that moment,
and I'm freaking out.
- When emotions are really high, it's like a bonfire.
A forest fire.
At that moment, the best thing you can possibly do
is do some distracting
because we need to get that,
what feels like a forest fire of emotions,
down to, like, a campfire size.
- When I hear somebody say, like,
they've never felt low enough
where they've wanted to kill themselves
or suicide's never crossed their mind,
like, to me, I'm like... "How is that possible?"
Because it's just been on my brain, like, my whole life.
- Yeah. - And so...
I don't know, it seems weird.
Like, I just want to be over it.
[soft music]
* *
I can't remember anything before age seven.
That's when it all started.
* *
My family's never been close.
There was a lot of tension and fighting.
My dad was a pretty angry person
and my mom was pretty consumed with her mental health issues.
* *
When I was nine, my mom tried to kill herself.
I don't know all the reasons why she did that, but...
I understand what it's like to feel...
like you want to die.
[somber music]
* *
When I was super young,
I tried to avoid my home life as much as possible
so then I was out a lot
and then being around older influences
and people who did not have my best interest...
I would say that's when I started...
on a cycle that was just definitely not healthy for me.
So I ended up starting to drink
and smoke weed and pop pills when I was, like, 13.
And then I was raped when I was 13
by these older men.
I didn't tell anyone about it,
and then when I was 16, I had an experience as well.
And I didn't know it was...
it just seemed normal,
and I felt like it was my fault, and...
I think I could see now, like,
all the things that played into me wanting to not be here,
but that's when I started, like...
hating life and then my self-harm got, like, crazy.
* *
And at this point, like, I was very suicidal.
And I had different attempts along the way.
I've been in a psych ward maybe four or five times.
I would, like, wake up in the hospital.
I'm like, "Fuck, I'm still here."
* *
I needed something different...
and I left California.
Moving here with my aunt and my uncle
and then their two boys...
That changed my life.
[laughs] Okay.
Dear God, thank you for this food,
and I pray that you help us to just be lights in this world
and honor you.
In Jesus' name, Amen. - Amen.
- I immediately got a customer service job
which is my favorite kind of job
'cause I get to interact with people,
and I started to meet people here in Colorado.
Like all week, all I was eating was...
As soon as I moved here, I got a therapist, though,
just because I'm like, "Next time I get triggered,
"I'm not--I'm not gonna go off the deep end
and try to wreck my life and not care."
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not sure what keeps me here all the time.
My friends, my dog.
I'm still figuring it out.
[soft music]
* *
- Uh, can I write?
- You can write, yeah.
- Is that, like, a quality shot?
- Yeah, yeah. [laughter]
[mid-tempo music]
- Well, my name is, officially, as of last week,
Quinn Marcroft.
I've got that nice little "F" on my driver's license now.
So, yeah.
So this is my little pine bed here,
and it's a good place to sit and read.
I just added some new needles.
I recently moved to Portland, Oregon.
This is the first time in my life
that I've been able to live on my own.
[whistling]
I mostly grew up in St. George, Utah.
And I was kind of raised to love nature
and that's always been something that I...
go to when I'm having a hard time.
Because if I don't force myself
to do things that I enjoy,
then I forget that I enjoy things.
I've been diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder,
bipolar disorder once, um,
and I think the one
that most of the people that know me have kind of settled on
is the treatment-resistant depression.
When I was like four or five,
I would always pretend, like, in secret, to be a woman.
And I would hide it.
I knew that being a gender
that you weren't assigned
is not something that's looked upon as good,
at least in Utah...right?
Or, at least in the LDS culture.
And LDS is "Latter Day Saints."
It's Mormon, for those of you who don't know.
The winter of my junior year in high school,
I came out to my parents.
And my parents weren't thrilled,
but they were always...
always supportive of me.
I started hormones in 2016.
But I didn't want to be out as trans in high school.
I wore a dress to graduation
under my cap and gown,
and it was a really cute way to come out to the public,
but I'm a trans woman in a very Conservative society.
Basically an outcast.
After that, things kind of went to shit.
[soft music]
My suicidal ideation was off the charts.
I don't think that I ever really wanted to leave.
* *
I just know that I wanted to be out of the pain.
I have been forcing myself to not spend more than an hour
on my phone a day.
I read, I write, I go on a walk,
I listen to music that I like,
and I do all of these different things,
and that builds my life worth living.
[somber music]
* *
[edgy music]
* *
- My name is Saniya.
I live in San Jose, California,
and I go to school at Drexel University in Philadelphia.
Coming from a South Asian background
of a collectivist culture
where being an individual is selfish,
that plays a huge role in how you interact with mental health
and even self-care.
[water splashes]
From a very young age, I knew that my parents had problems.
The earliest I can remember my dad being abusive
is probably about four.
They had gotten into a fight,
and I remember hearing something fall down the stairs
and I remember just instantly thinking
that was my mom.
* *
But there was this unsaid, unspoken rule of
things are kept quiet.
What happens in the home stays in the home.
As time went on, the abuse was more often.
I was seeing it a lot more.
I felt utterly alone.
Beginning of sophomore year,
my parents finally got separated.
Moved in with my mom full-time.
At school, I couldn't concentrate.
My grades fell drastically.
I couldn't get up in the mornings.
I went to the school counselor and I told her...
"Hi," like...
"I'm, you know... I'm suicidal," and...
she said, "But are you really?"
And it was March 15th of 2015
and I--my mom wasn't home.
My sister was with my dad.
And I was just, like, "You know what?
I'm tired. I'm gonna do it."
* *
I had written a note on my Facebook wall
saying sorry for being a burden
to my friends and my family.
My best friend saw the post.
She called me and she was like, "I'm coming over."
And I was like, "Please don't."
And she was like, "No, I'm coming over."
Drove over and just kind of held me.
I really appreciate that she convinced me
to tell my mom,
because I don't think I would have
if she didn't stay with me until my mom came home.
* *
And I told my mom,
"So, I tried to kill myself today.
I need to go to the hospital."
* *
My mom had to really shift her own mentality
because of the world she grew up in.
She visited me every day at the hospital,
as well when I was transferred to the psych ward.
She took me to my therapy appointments.
She went to the group meetings with other parents
to learn about what was going on,
to make sure I took my medication.
Mental health is a huge taboo in the South Asian community
and the Asian American community.
To make that shift into acknowledge and accept
"My daughter has a mental illness,
"my daughter is diagnosed with depression,
"this is--therapy is the right path,
medication is the right path..."
Was huge.
* *
And this is "Loudmouth Ladkis."
As you know, our podcast is focused on
exploring taboo, stigmatized topics
that our South Asian parents don't explore.
You can log on and check out
which South Asian therapists are within your area.
You can shoot them a message.
My entire mental health journey,
which is, you know, still going on,
has really informed what I want to do in the future,
because I've had so many people come and ask me, you know,
"I'm looking for a therapist that looks like me."
And, like, I completely understand that.
I mean, that's the-- the driving force
behind why I want to become a psychologist.
[soft music]
* *
- What were the turning points in your journey?
What--I mean, all of you got to the precipice
where you considered not living.
What--why did you decide to live and to stay?
- Yeah, I got sober after performing on a cruise ship.
[chuckles] For four months.
So you can imagine that that was kind of
what I was doing a lot of.
When I quit drinking was really when my life turned around
and I became less suicidal when I stopped drinking.
- I guess the medicine
is pretty much the biggest thing out of all of it.
I've struggled with a lot of addictions
in which I don't trust myself with certain medications,
so it took a long time... [laughs]
it took a really long time, but,
I consulted with a psychiatrist
over taking an anti-anxiety medication
and I've definitely turned around where I need to be.
- The first time I ever went to the hospital
for, like, psychiatric care
was the result of a suicide attempt
and so I was definitely sure that, you know,
that that was bad enough,
that that could be my turning point.
That was only the beginning of it.
And I hated therapy and I absolutely did not want to go.
I realized that, like, this isn't gonna work
if I don't think it's going to work.
- I think maybe we-- - I think--
Go ahead. - Yeah.
Okay, so I think it got really dark for me,
but I had no idea that it was depression,
and I ended up going to counseling
after a bunch of resistance initially to counseling.
I ended up finally going and speaking to a psychiatrist.
And so the turning point was really just
really being sick and tired of where I was
and willing to try anything
to get myself to a better position.
- Kind of like Abraham's saying,
I also didn't know what it was.
I just knew I wanted to die constantly,
like, every day, and there was no way out.
And so it finally took
kind of my life falling into a complete dark hole
for me to kind of look for a lot of professional help.
And so kind of realizing I'm human,
and that doesn't make me weak.
It actually-- it's a strong thing
to admit that you're hurting.
- I think the people in this room...can we call it a room?
The people in this room? - Sure.
- For sure, like, I mean...
we were able to get through what we got through.
We are continuing to battle, like, day-to-day challenges
and I think that the ability that we have
to connect in this way, I think, is...
it inspires me and gives me hope for the future.
- Um...
so, I'll go with this one here.
This one I wrote is, like, how I think.
It's just a rush of thoughts.
"I'm running from paranoia,
"I think that I'm being tortured
"with closed lips and reaping horrors.
"I rob myself of my whole life,
"I should be booked for larceny.
"I'm Houdini, trapped inside myself
without a master key."
The first verse is kind of me running from myself.
I have a ton of demons, and...
I don't think the suicidal thoughts will ever go away.
* *
I am Nathan, and I'm 17.
* *
I--I don't have any kind of clear grasp
of who I might be.
I'm still struggling to, like, find passions
and substance.
I'm just lacking...
* *
Me.
My parents have always been amazing people.
I know that I am not at all what they expected.
I mean, my mom is a therapist.
She's, of course, expressed her concerns
about what she thinks I'm going through,
but I'm very much in denial about stuff.
[soft music]
* *
I guess I was bouncy.
I was kind of an off-the-walls kid.
I always had a lot of energy.
I grew up in Utah,
and it was a very interesting experience, to say the least,
but then I moved to Colorado...
and that was something completely different.
When I transferred schools, I lost all of my friends.
It started off with bullying and just not being accepted.
I would change myself on a daily basis.
Change up my clothes, my style,
the way I talked, the way I walked,
anything I could do to conform to people
who would just finally accept me.
And I know if I could have dropped
wanting to be everyone else instead of myself,
I wouldn't have--I wouldn't have fallen
into a loop of drugs.
I wouldn't have fallen into a cycle of depression.
I wouldn't have fallen into anything.
I'm sure I would have had my problems, but...
it wouldn't have been the same at all, by any means.
The first real moment where I was like,
"Yeah, I think I want it to be over,"
was probably, like, eighth grade.
I felt like a mess.
I felt like...
I didn't have a real purpose.
And I know I look back at it and I'm, like,
"I was in eighth grade, how could I possibly
determine my purpose in eighth grade?"
But, I mean, it's how I felt.
[tinny music playing]
Turning 18 soon and having to adult,
it's been a roller-coaster.
Oh, I've got an idea.
Music is like what saved my life.
It's just a way to feel those feelings.
I can say to myself sometimes,
"It's okay to feel it."
I think tucking it away...
it's inevitable to come back around.
Let yourself cry.
Let yourself feel the feelings you're feeling.
Or do your damn best, at least.
I--you just have to kind of...
push yourself forward.
And, honestly, I suck at it. [laughs]
[mid-tempo music]
* *
[soft guitar notes]
* *
- I grew up in Tennessee in Hixson...
kind of like the country suburb
right outside of Chattanooga.
You know, kind of a conservative place
where gender roles were very...strict.
A lot of the fear that was engrained in me
about just being myself
was from the outside world-- it was not from my family.
I was often told that my interests
were for boys and stuff by teachers and other parents.
Growing up in the '90s,
you know, there wasn't really anybody on TV
that I thought, "Gosh, you know what?
I think I'm kind of like them."
You know, there was no lifeguard at the pool
where I was like,
"Oh, my gosh, that's a cool lesbian and I want her hair."
You know? There was nothing there for me,
so that's where I became really goofy.
If I could make people laugh, they wouldn't make fun of me
or think I was weird.
I wasn't out or didn't know
that really I was queer at all,
but I was... I was weird.
Crap, I don't know when it turns on.
And then when I was about ten,
depression hit pretty hard.
A cousin of mine passed away kind of abruptly
and she was 17.
And from then on, I thought about suicide a lot
and dying young.
And a year--almost probably a year after that
was my first suicide attempt.
It was no written plan or anything,
but I remember the feeling growing, you know,
and I was outside actually playing tag
with some neighborhood kids at night
and I remember sitting in the driveway
and watching these other teens, you know,
young teens interact and thinking...
"Oh, God. I hate this."
[laughs] Um...
"I don't know who I am.
"I don't know why I feel bad, but...you know what?
It's--I'd like it to stop."
That's when I just decided to overdose.
* *
I had my stomach pumped
which, in and of itself, I gotta say
was a pretty traumatic experience.
I remember being kind of flustered.
Not necessarily happy that I was alive
because I felt the same,
but I was happy that I was talking to people about it.
That was a huge relief.
And then there were family members that were mad at me
because...you know,
"How dare you cause this pain
on your family that's so tight-knit," you know?
So I felt ashamed, too.
I felt... I felt selfish.
And I still--I still kind of do when I have these thoughts.
* *
I went into some regular therapy, which was great.
But it took a minute, of course,
to find some good therapists.
I was on medication that did help, but...
therapy and doing a lot of work around my gender identity
that wasn't really addressed...
that needed to happen, and it didn't.
* *
I was still very confused, and I tried to fit in
and trying to act like other girls in high school.
I was grasping for something for a long time.
- Are you a late-in-life gay or an early-in-life gay?
- Are you a baby dyke?
- Are you trying to make up for all the times
you said, "That's so gay" in high school?
- After ten years, I was performing a lot.
Did comedy at night. I was drinking every night.
Being on antidepressants and drinking
is just not a good idea. I did not react well to it.
I had some career upsets and not feeling good about myself.
I was kind of getting to that same headspace
where I was 13 again.
My thoughts were very dark.
I thought about death a lot.
You know, that suicide ideality
kind of slipping back into my brain.
It was--it was so bad that I thought again...
"I might just do this."
But, you know, that little part of me
where my parents really...
you know, were in the back of my head
with how much, you know, they've loved me
throughout the years.
I called my mom and said, "Something's not..."
You know, "Something's not right.
I don't want to be alive."
She said, "You need to come home."
I wanted help.
I wanted a professional's help, too.
* *
Being in a mental health facility actually taught me
that in these really dark places,
when you think that you'd be better off not here...
the thoughts that are coming into your head right now
are...
because of certain chemicals in your brain.
They're false.
Because you're sick.
We have places in peoples' lives that we...
we don't realize we fill.
And it...
it's just not the answer for us to disappear.
[soft music]
* *
[lighthearted music]
* *
- I live in Pensacola, Florida currently.
* *
I'm a middle school teacher.
It's a very rewarding job and I love my students.
* *
[laughs]
* *
I was the first in my family to attend college.
Both of my parents are immigrants from Jamaica
and they came to America to pursue the American Dream.
Growing up, I had this image
of what college was supposed to be like.
But when I finally got there, it was...
[laughs] it didn't go as planned.
I didn't think about the challenges
that could come from transitioning
from high school to college.
For the first time, I had to pay bills
like rent and groceries
and so I kind of had to grow up really fast.
I was working a full-time job and also a full-time student.
I started to get really stressed
and didn't want to go to class.
I didn't want to go to work.
My safe space was really just staying in my bed
all day long with the blinds closed.
* *
I couldn't focus, I couldn't articulate my thoughts.
* *
Growing up in a Christian household,
we were pretty much taught
to bring everything to God in prayer.
And I was praying harder and I was praying louder
and the more I prayed, nothing really changed for me.
The other factor for me as a Black man,
I was, you know, raised to be able
to overcome different adversities
and so I felt like to ask for help
was a sign that I was incompetent
or I couldn't figure it out.
And if I couldn't figure it out,
then that meant that...
you know, I don't deserve to call myself a man.
I wanted to stop the pain,
and the only option that I thought existed was suicide.
And I remember I got a phone call
from a really good friend of mine.
She's asked me if I was okay
and before I could even finish,
she said, "What you're describing,
"it sounds like depression,
and if you need help, you can see the counselor on campus."
I remember I was talking to myself, like,
"Nah, I don't need, you know, any help, I'm good.
I don't need to talk to a therapist."
One day, at some point, I will no longer be depressed.
But I had gotten so low,
finally went to the counseling center
and sat down in front of a psychiatrist,
and that's when things really changed for me.
I kind of liken it to having the flu.
Like, if I had the symptoms of the flu,
I wouldn't sit in my room and just pray
that the flu is gone.
I would take some medicine or I would go see a doctor.
* *
Using medication in the beginning phase
really helped me to at least engage in therapy.
Throughout that process, it started to take
more of a holistic approach,
utilizing the coping strategies
that my therapist shared with me.
Changing my diet.
I eliminated some things
that would feed the symptoms of depression that I was having.
I established different routines.
I remember the first time my therapist mentioned journaling
and that I should try it.
I was like, "Nah.
"I will never-- what do I look like
carrying a diary with me as a guy?"
But as I mentioned, I was so committed to the process
that if my therapist said it, I'm gonna try it, at least.
[upbeat music]
And then things got better.
I was out of school for about 3 1/2 months
and every day, I was just thinking about, like,
how can I do something with this experience?
And, so, when I went back to school,
I was on a mission to be an advocate.
And I was very uncomfortable sharing my story,
but for me, the mission was greater
than how uncomfortable I was.
I am 21, I'm from south Florida,
and I am a college student at this university
just like you all.
* *
Once I got a little bit more comfortable,
I started to reach out to different fraternities
and sororities and student organizations,
and I noticed that there were a lot of us on campus
who were going through some of the same struggles,
but no one was really opening up about it.
* *
I think there's this African proverb where it says,
Like, "You can go fast alone or by yourself,
but you can go far together."
And I think that's so true where when you have community,
you're able to go so much further.
You're able to do so much more
because you're not carrying the load all by yourself.
[soft music]
* *
- If you could talk to your younger self right now,
what would you say?
* *
- There's not, like, one big step
to make it all turn around
and there's not like probably one piece of advice
that I could give you besides, like,
not giving up and keeping at it.
- You're gonna be okay.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, trust me.
I totally understand that
it may not seem like it now, but...
you don't have to reach out to people in your life,
but reach out to someone.
- Ask for help. Ask for support.
You're worthwhile. You can do it.
It won't be easy, but you can push through this.
- I totally get being alive when you don't want to sucks,
and being depressed is really hard, but...
there's no opportunity to change or get better
if you're not here.
- Even with the struggle, it's...
it's worth it because just...
the fact that I can enjoy life
is something...
that I didn't know was possible.
- Through patience and understanding
that this will pass,
that they can experience life on the other side
of having suicidal thoughts.
- Open your heart to new things every day...
and work. Don't stop working.
- There are--there are...
trust me, there are people out there
who are feeling similar to you and...
you know, I'm one of them.
You may be feeling things also that you cannot identify
why you're feeling that way. That's okay.
It's okay if you don't know why you feel a certain way,
and I wish somebody had said that to me.
- I had something that pushed me to keep talking to people.
And I think that is what served me.
- * Ooh *
- * I *
* I am light, I am light *
* I am not the things my family did *
* I am not the voices in my head *
* I am not the pieces of the brokenness *
* Inside *
- * I am light *
- * I am light, yeah *
* I'm not the mistakes that I have made *
* Or any of the things that cause me pain *
* I am not the pieces of the dreams I left behind *
* I am light *
- * Oh *
- * I am light, I am light *
* I am light, I am light *
* I am not the color of my eyes *
* I am not the * - * Skin on the outside *
- * I am not my age * - * I am not my race *
- * My soul inside *
- * Is all light *
- * I am divinity defined *
* I am a god on the inside *
* I am a star, a piece of it all *
* I am light *