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Uncle Vilnik!
[murmuring to himself]
- Uncle Vilnik! - Janochka! What you do here?
It's Sunday, our work out day.
Work out day? Truth. I've been lifting all morning already.
You want some?
Is... is this vodka?
I like my vodka like my women:
perfect mix of old Ukraine and Soviet.
How are we gonna to work out like this?
You know, when I was training to be a first cosmonaut in space,
big work out, I had to lift guess how much?
How much you guess? Two thousand kilograms...
[Janet Laughs]
In space. [Janet Laughs]
Janochka, when you were little, I remember, you wanted to be nun.
Yup!
You may not know, Uncle Vilnik wanted to be priest.
Then I turned 13, I find out priest no can have sex.
But now, they have sex.
It's too bad, it was only job where I could wear dress to work.
[Janet Laughs]
Then Yuri call, and ask me to be comrade to train for space.
[Janet Laughs]
[Music]
[Crowd applauds]
I'm originally from Ukraine
the country that's been functioning as one giant quarantine
after the Soviet fell apart.
[Audience laughs]
Fucking, drinking and stunt dancing kosak-style
were the only forms of entertainment.
[Audience laughs]
Covid or any other socially transmitted diseases
were unallowable, they'’d send you to Siberia.
[Audience laughs]
The country has been in deep shit since forever,
but I'm only telling you this
to remind you that we're all in this together.
[Audience laughs]
And look how strong I turned out.
[Audience laughs]
And I was born on the exact day of Chernobyl.
[Audience laughs]
That wasn't a joke. That's just my luck.
[Audience laughs]
I'm wearing this one-piece
as a Millennial tribute to all the female comedians
who stole the look from Dave Chappelle.
[Audience laughs]
And these glasses
just to add a bit more credibility
for those who have a hard time focusing on...
what I'm saying, rather than what I'm saying it with.
[Audience laughs]
It's like a stop sign,
unless you circle it, no one's gonna notice it.
[Audience laughs]
My full name now is Janet Roth,
because I like my Jewish last names short-and-sweet,
without any... unnecessary dangling... at the end...
[Audience laughs] of the word.
I'm lucky my ex at least gave me... a nice... last name.
My Armenian maiden name had four syllables,
the word kiss in it [Audience laughs]
and a question mark. [Audience laughs].
You can'’t go out in the public when it's dangling like that.
[Clapping]
What I do is not easy,
most women my age have chosen to become either a mother... or a CPA
just to make sure they control everyone in the family.
[Audience laughs]
I've started out with an accounting degree too.
I just wasn't anal enough to take it to the next level...
[Audience laughs]
like I did with anal sex.
Anal sex is the only avenue if the dick is too long.
[Audience laughs]
It's happened to the best of us. [Audience laughs]
What do you do? [Audience laughs]
Mind you, I didn't say too big, I said too long,
[Audience laughs] because ass
is made particularly for this [Audience laughs]
as it is bottoml-ass. [Audience laughs]
My problem as an accountant was
that sometimes instead of 96 I'd put down 69
[Audience laughs]
and that would fuck with my... bottom line.
[Audience laughs]
I had to switch careers... like 27 times,
like any normal Millennial these days. [Audience laughs]
Today, I'm a reporter. I've chosen to
devote my life to reporting straight from the crime scene where
"we're witnessing a male [Audience laughs]
who seems to have suffered multiple knife injuries,
lying with his face down in a neighborhood alley."
[Audience laughs]
I have to report on modern day "issues" from my life
so it happens less in other people's lives,
cuz I personally feel like killing a motherfucker EVERY SINGLE DAY...
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
I now live in LA.
I've been fortunate enough to have traveled the world at my age,
and I must admit...
LA is a truly exceptional city. [Audience laughs]
There is no other city like LA... dating-wise.
Everyone complains how hard dating in LA is.
Of course it is.
Dating in LA is like making it in LA, a motherfucking artform.
[Audience laughs]
Being an artist is not enough.
You have to be a con-artist to make it. [Audience laughs]
[Clapping]
Men, if you have a hard time dating in LA
it's because of either:
One - your job is not as cool as hers,
or - you're trying to have someone take care of you.
[Audience laughs]
Which are two ends of the same... dick. [Audience laughs]
Dating in LA can be summarized with one simple sentence:
"build it, and they will cum".
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
If you want to have a good dating life in LA,
you gotta know that LA is a war zone
where every woman is some kind of a warrior.
If she wanted to settle, she would've stayed in Indiana
where there's nicer people,
less traffic
and where she could have her happy meal three times a day,
and actually retain the happiness. [Audience laughs]
Bitch came here to fight for her place under the sun.
Her attention span is short
and her breasts are not made for breastfeeding...
babies. [Laughs]
What kind of dating do you expect in LA?
I'll tell you what she expects,
a modern tale of Tarzan and Jane
where the bitch gets saved in the middle of the fight
for her... palm tree,
"because sun is very damaging from 10 to 4.
[Audience laughs] You must know that.
You don't know that?
I need palm tree." [Audience laughs]
Those are in higher demands. [Audience laughs]
She dreams about being scooped up by her submissive alpha male
and thrown into a pool in Malibu. [Audience laughs]
And then maybe, if she feels like it,
she will do charity,
or become a CEO of a legging company
that donates 40% of their profit
to a cause that rescues endangered bats in Guadalajara.
[Audience laughs] - "...ah, so inspiring.
How did you get to where you are today, would you mind sharing?"
[Clapping] Otherwise, don't even bother with LA women.
Guys - I'll tell you things most women won't
because they don't have the balls... [Audience laughs]
Listen very carefully, because this advice
is going to transform your dating life in LA forever.
It's gonna get you pussy every single time.
[Audience laughs]
If you wanna fuck an LA girl, make a nice reservation,
pick her up in a nice car
and send her flowers the next day. [Audience laughs]
That's it. Bingo. [Audience laughs]
One tiny detail, though, make sure the flowers you send...
represent her pussy.
Because that's how she's gonna perceive it.
[Audience laughs]
Your best bet is to send her a luscious bouquet of
fresh pink roses. [Audience laughs]
Don't send just one rose.
Cuz that represents... a single pube.
Or a one-night stand.
I don't know... You don't want to get the girl's imagination
going in the wrong direction. [Clapping]
And don't text her the next day like,
"“How about now, girl, how about now?"”
[Audience laughs] Let the girl sit on it.
Let her marinate.
Let her reach out to you and be cute.
And please, don't pick her up in a Mini Cooper.
[Audience laughs] If you're a Jewish male after 50
and you drive a Mini,
make sure you hide it as long as you can
[Audience laughs] because even though you might know
you have a big dick
it'll still plant suspicion in her mind. [Laughs]
Just get a nice car.
That's why God created Uber.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping].
Another trick - comment on her posts.
LA women like that a lot.
But that goes without saying, right?
This will help you figure out how she really feels about you.
It's one of those rare cases in life
when comparing yourself to others
will actually yield you an accurate feedback.
[Audience laughs]
When you finally succeed
and get... closer... to the woman... of your dreams...
all we wanna know is that your sex life sucked... before you met us.
[Audience laughs]
There's no bigger compliment you can pay a woman
than telling her that she's the best lover you've ever had...
[Audience laughs] then by eating her ass.
Indirect compliments like that
are fundamental to our growth and development,
they're the only ones that count in our world.
They're the best confidence boosters.
Because we women like to derive truth in our own unique ways...
Using deductive reasoning and [Audience laughs]
other magical avenues of figuring out how you really feel about us.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
We can do this all day long.
And that's what we do all day long. [Audience laughs]
Every time you make a move, know
that we're "monitoring your behaviour".
[Laughs]
I'm just kidding. We can'’t do this all day long.
We'd go crazy. [Audience laughs]
Wait... [Clapping]
[Music]
Who are the girls?
Oh who? These are my mail order brides.
They come all the way from China.
Cheaper that way.
Why don't you get on pool with girls?
Olga come on, be more welcoming.
Get in with Helga.
[Laughs] What about the exercising?
Exercising? I had to blow these girls 45 minutes.
You have no idea how much exercise.
Why do you need three?
Uncle Vilnik live in big American suburban house.
Too much room for Vilnik all alone.
But you should see my new one. I call her my Soviet Skeleton.
[Laughs] Where'’s she at?
Where is she at? Where do they put skeletons in America.
I put in closet.
[Laughs] [Audience applause]
Romance seems to be extinct in the 20s-60s age group category,
have you guys noticed?
The cycle starts again at 60.
[Audience laughs] For men of course...
Our cycle is completely gone by the time most men mature.
[Audience laughs] If ever,
as my research shows.
I'm personally done with dating men
or rather calling them "boy-friends".
Like, what the fuck is a boy-friend to begin with?
[Audience laughs]
I... I have a problem with that word.
It's the XXI century.
Who cares about sex...
of the person? [Audience laughs]
A boyfriend? [Audience laughs]
Friend vs spouse is what I'm looking for.
And the second reason why I'm done with dating men is...
because there is no point to dating at my age anymore.
Everything is clear now. Take it or leave it.
[Audience laughs]
Nothing new to discover here. [Audience laughs]
Same bodily functions, same genital sensations.
Same passion for fast food. [Audience laughs]
And most likely the only passion we'll have in common
if you live in LA. [Audience laughs]
Cuz we all want it but we can't have it,
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
unlike Amazon...
so much fun and zero calories!
[Audience laughs]
Recent research data shows that it's Amazon that makes women happy,
not dating.
Who. Knew. That. about JB?
He, out of all men, has been able to satisfy MILLIONS of women... at once.
Ladies, next time your man proposes to you with a flea-market ring,
[Audience laughs] think twice before you say no.
Besides making us happy,
Amazon shows women what our productivity can really look like.
We learn just how fast we can complete a task
when we go over 500 bras, [Audience laughs]
pick out the top 3 best ones
and check out, all in under 69 seconds.
[Audience laughs]
Yes, I tracked time.
I'm extremely anal. [Clapping]
Amazon shopping is the best!
Order, track, return, no label needed.
WOW! That satisfies all my primal needs as a woman,
it makes me feel like... I'm running the world.
And the shit even arrives ahead of time!
Amazon is the only time
a woman is happy when a load gets delivered early...
by a guy with a tiny flat package. [Audience laughs]
It's better than Adderall, [Audience laughs]
it gives you the feeling of complete control for under $10/month.
Wow... Thanks Bezos, muchos besos. [Clapping]
It's even better than anal.
For those who haven't tried anal yet,
it basically feels like getting penetrated by a giant log of shit.
[Audience laughs]
Advantages - it opens up your first chakra
and if you're pale, blood will rush to both pairs of your cheeks
and will give you a beautiful, nice glow.
That's why girls like it...
Well, you can'’t tell under these lights... but...
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
It's nice that Jewish guys appreciate anal sex
despite it being non-kosher. [Audience laughs]
Jewish men are the most attractive after 50, though.
They finally mature a lil bit...
cuz mommy isn't around anymore.
Which is good news for me. [Audience laughs]
Cuz most mothers in law would hate me. [Audience laughs]
Imagine me as a daughter in law...
"“mom, because of your kosher cooking,
his farts smell like matzo balls."”
They do! [Audience laughs]
No wonder Jewish women don't go down on men.
They have their face in the matzo balls soup all day long.
[Audience laughs]
I like my men - Kamala- - Harris-style:
cute, Jewish, divorced, preferably with daughters.
I like fathers.
Fathers are more attentive in my opinion.
They're more loving. More patient kind of a man.
They've seen the real shit, loved a bitch, or several once. [Audience laughs]
They know how to roll through that time of the month.
I guess that makes me a father-fucker. [Audience laughs]
I don't discriminate against men who have sons,
cuz if daddy's being a dick,
I can threaten to fuck his sons when they grow up.
Both of them. At once. [Audience laughs]
How's that for a revenge.
Can'’t top that one.
I wish Jeff Bezos came up with Amazon Crime.
"Designed by one man, made for all women."
[Clapping] The box arrives empty and leaves full.
That would make life so much easier.
What I don't like is when the kids are older... than me.
[Audience laughs] It creates unnecessary tensions...
between the father and the kids.
My ideal is when I'm a little older than his kids,
and he's a little younger than my parents. [Audience laughs]
By the way ladies, a rule of thumb,
if his kids don't know about you,
you don't need to hear about them. [Audience laughs]
There is nothing more off-putting than a dude sharing
what he's gonna do with his kids tomorrow. [Audience laughs]
Unless you're going to tell them what you and I did tonight...
and where that English cucumber went
before you fed it to them... [Audience laughs]
And another rule of thumb,
which is more like the rule of the middle finger,
[Audience laughs]
if he tells you that he's not married, he is separated -
gently remind him that in order to be separated,
you have to be married...
Or just get Amazon Crime if he doesn't get it. [Audience laughs]
[Clapping] But no,
I like fathers because they have experience
handling multiple personalities at once. [Audience laughs]
It's funny how sometimes you hang out with his kids
and something like this happens.
"Dad, can Carlie and I watch TV?"”
[Audience laughs] "“Did you do your homework?"”
"“Not yet."” [Audience laughs]
"“OK, do your homework first,"”
says he with the same mouth he ate... my ass 30 minutes ago.
"“Janet, don'’t say that. Dad would never do something like this."”
"“Billy, shut the fuck up.
Your dad can'’t wait for you to fall asleep
so he can go back to... eating ass."”
[Audience laughs]
But men over 40, without kids,
who call themselves late bloomers
are usually just full of fertilizer. [Audience laughs]
They annoy the fuck out of me.
How do you know you are one, Mr... Greenthumb?
[Audience laughs] The question is, what are we growing here exactly?
What direction are we headed in?
That's why I don't mess with youngsters...
under 39. [Audience laughs]
It's like marrying a kid.
You don't know what he's going to turn into in 15 years.
I had to turn myself into a happy woman.
I couldn't rely on a man to sustain my happiness.
Supposedly, it doesn't work like that... for Millennials. [Audience laughs]
Even my shrink wouldn't get me.
He thought I was anal compulsive,
while I'm simply compulsive about anal.
[Audience laughs]
So, I had to take control of my own happiness
and arrange everything within the confines of my home.
- I call it Bread-Bath-and- - Beyond. [Audience laughs]
Fresh bread in bed, a CBD bath,
and a dick. [Audience laughs]
It's the little things that make us women happy.
Come on, guys! that was a joke.
[Audience laughs]
I am the perfect example of a simple woman,
feed me, fuck me, let me sleep and I'll be happy.
That's why I can only picture myself with a man who's a hard worker.
Because sex is hard work. [Audience laughs]
If the guy's not going an extra mile,
the whole thing is going to fall apart sooner or later.
Unless he's using both his index and middle fingers,
dick, eats my ass and sucks my toes...
all at the same time...
I will get bored. [Audience laughs]
What'’s left otherwise,
unless the dick is versatile and can go places, [Audience laughs]
I'll be thinking about all those fun things that I see on the internet
when I pull up porn.
Which happens like three times a day... [Clapping]
during the quarantine.
Make sure the dick is functioning though. [Audience laughs]
Let's agree on one thing,
if you're a male after 50,
your dick is emotionally sensitive. [Audience laughs]
It is volatile. [Audience laughs]
It is easily offended. [Audience laughs]
You know what I mean? [Audience laughs] It fluctuates
like the stock market. [Audience laughs]
If your dick goes down more than it goes up,
if it's not a solid bid,
then at least have the balls to do something about it.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
If I were a guy I'd be popping those pills
just for maintenance.
I'd take them first thing in the morning with my coffee
and I'd just sit there and wait for
all the opportunities to unfold in front of me.
The blue pill is like telling a woman that,
that there's a breast enlargement pill
that works for absolutely anyone, [Audience laughs]
even the girl with the flattest titties,
has zero side effects
and your doctor can prescribe it to you... [Audience laughs] [Clapping]
every woman would be on it! I promise you.
It's simple courtesy, just like opening the door. [Audience laughs]
[Clapping] I like it when men
25 years and older than me
say shit like
"I want to spend forever with you."
This category of men is the most fun.
At that age,
your life expectancy doesn't qualify
as forever. [Audience laughs]
My forever and your forever are not the same forevers,
[Audience laughs] which is what makes our age difference irreconcilable.
Unless of course, you know how to slap ass..et or two
on my balance sheet. [Clapping]
Well, that's an old accountant in me speaking.
[Audience laughs]
Forever, meaning like until Covid do us part?
That's how cougars are born. [Audience laughs]
But why you need so many?
It's not easy to date in LA.
In old country, we stand in line all day for anything,
good way to meet girls, but here not so easy.
What I do?
Are you on social media?
Socialist media? [Janet laughs]
Oh yeah, Amazon... You know, for senior like uncle Vilnik
they need Amazon Past Your Prime
- and then, any password works.
But you like Amazon.
I like Amazon. Big women. Remind me of Eastern Europe.
Big East German women, strong.
with very large breasts.
But they take too long to blow up. [Janet laughs]
[Audience applaud]
You know, I never compare people...
every relationship is unique.
Being with a man is sure... a unique experience, each time.
[Audience laughs]
But my last relationship
pretty much reminded me of the experience of having a dog.
[Audience laughs]
Don't go against the fur. [Audience laughs]
pick up their shit
and try to stop him from smelling every crotch.
That's pretty much it. [Audience laughs] [Clapping]
I mostly date extremely gentle men
who come with an emotional support animal.
[Audience laughs]
Every time I get a dog it's because the animal needs me.
Every time they get a dog, it's because they... need the animal.
[Audience laughs]
I guess it must feel very empowering
to have a living being follow your commands.
[Audience laughs]
It must be so good to finally be... in control... of your bitch.
[Audience laughs]
This actually isn't funny,
it's literally some people's mission on Earth...
to adopt a dog and finally experience true love and fulfillment.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
Happens a lot in LA.
He had us meet... so she could put the pussy smell to the face...
[Audience laughs] must have been so confusing for her
every time he would come home...
he said not knowing me, but smelling me
was adding anxiety to her existing separation anxiety...
which she takes meds for. [Audience laughs]
Wait, who's the emotional support animal here? [Audience laughs]
Blind leading the blind... [Audience laughs]
She acted like she already knew me...
Pretentious bitches act that way when they wanna be liked.
He tried to make the three of us work, but
I made him choose.
Now he gets real... emotional support,
real doggy style and full-body kisses.
[Audience laughs]
He can'’t pick up his own shit, he's going to pick up her shit now?
I was like, "take that house too, she's gonna need it."
He left me a doghouse, what did you think?
[Audience laughs]
His argument was that dogs are men's best friends.
[Audience laughs]
That is so offensive to us women. [Audience laughs]
We feed you, we share a bed with you,
we listen to you, we give you advice.
How in the world can a dog possibly be regarded as a friend?
A friend is someone who has an independent opinion,
emphasizing the word independent. [Audience laughs]
Would you still regard dogs as friends, if they had opinions?
What's even worse is marriage.
Real vows can'’t be broken. Otherwise what's the point of giving a vow?
Yet people still rush to get married while
thousands of couples get divorced every single day.
Marriage is scary. [Audience laughs]
It turns you into a liar.
Promising someone that you'll love them forever
is a lie. [Audience laughs]
How can you possibly know? [Audience laughs]
That's why so many couples feel this weight weighing down on them,
and one day they eventually collapse under it.
[Audience laughs] The weight of a mutual marital lie.
[Audience laughs]
Marital vows should be like a weather report,
there's a promise of eternal happiness with 60% chance of divorce.
[Audience laughs]
These two people just lied to each other, because everyone else does it.
Their parents did it and so did their second and third spouses.
Now they have to live with it "forever",
wondering, "what would happen if they stop loving each other?"
"What's it gonna look like?" [Audience laughs]
Ugly. [Audience laughs] I'm telling you.
It's gonna look so ugly
that even all the ugliness you've seen on TV
won't compare to what you're about to witness.
[Audience laughs]
In the process of divorce, most adults complete their course on humanity
and what true human nature can look like. [Audience laughs]
And where did it all begin?
At the altar. [Audience laughs]
I'm not sure how credible the church is.
Last time I asked church,
they said I should only have sex when I want to have children.
Then please explain to me
why I'm the horniest the day before my period?
[Audience laughs]
It's time for the church to get their story straight,
[Audience laughs] because they're losing their audience.
According to my peers, churches, even the Sexting chapel,
where we can witness God touching a man
will all go out of business by 2030. [Audience laughs]
Cramps next day -- sure, I can see that being a form of punishment...
but tearing the pussy to pieces every time you got fucked...
that kind of punishment I don't understand.
[Audience laughs]
You think that kind of pain would stop the world from overpopulating,
but no. Women do it. Every day.
Because women can do anything. [Audience laughs]
I just personally choose not to.
Another problem with marital vows
is that when you promise someone to love them forever,
they will forever... relax... starting that exact moment...
Think about it,
if your man has been laid off for 2.5 years
and he sleeps like he just worked a 12-hour shift,
will you still be content with the promise you gave
to love him forever? [Audience laughs]
Ladies, there must be some kind of quality control.
[Audience laughs]
Do you think that just because you gave a vow
you'll somehow magically continue loving him?
Well, that's how you turn a man into a pig.
That's a sin.
And then they turn into a devil, on their own. [Audience laughs]
That's when you call the same priest
and have him perform an exorcism on the fucker.
"“Father, I just don't know what to do.
He keeps getting worse and worse."” [Audience laughs] [Clapping]
It's easier with men.
They just call an escort
and pay them with your money. [Audience laughs]
And then the mofo has the guts to say that
you got it good cuz you got a job
and you can't relate to his pain and anxiety from being unemployed.
[Audience laughs]
He calls you an insensitive bitch and when you're at work,
he rolls a joint [Audience laughs]
goes down to see your neighbor,
has a 30 minute uninterrupted...
monologue in the middle of which he realizes...
that he's been in love with this girl forever. [Audience laughs]
I can't do that anymore. [Audience laughs]
Vows have to be rewritten. [Clapping]
Now if marital vows sounded something like this,
everything would be different:
"I truly hope to love you forever, [Audience laughs]
hence the wedding
yet in the honor of fear of remaining alone,
if our passion fades away,
let's find it elsewhere,
yet stay together
forever
until death do us part." [Audience laughs]
Generations would have been saved!
So many women wouldn't have had to die
from the hands of jealous husbands who cheated on them anyway.
Just one additional sentence
added to the ceremony will change the entire intercourse of humanity.
Now that's keeping it real, church. [Clapping]
Can you imagine the success rate of marriages after those vows?
A mf 100%. [Audience laughs]
People would be looking better and better.
There'd be no room for quitting the gym,
the "unintentional" hurt
or dirty socks on the bathroom floor.
Your significant other would be afraid to show up angry and ugly
and dump all his shit on you. [Audience laughs]
Imagine the mentality people would walk into a marriage with.
Father walks the bride down the aisle.
Her thoughts are "“Holy fk,
I hope to make this one work, so that this dude doesn't run away
like the other 4..."” [Audience laughs]
It would be impossible to fuck up such marriage.
Homewrecking as a profession would completely go away
and so would extramarital affairs. [Audience laughs]
Only fair, because if marriage is an economic proposition,
then an affair should be double the offer. [Audience laughs]
Who can afford triple wages these days?
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
Rules have to be rewritten.
A woman has to give a pre-vow way before the couple has sex
and the pre-vow should sound something like this,
"“Dear John, before we give into our desires,
I got to tell you that until we're officially married,
we're technically free. [Audience laughs]
We'll 'be seeing' each other as long as we feel like it
and the second someone decides to cheat or walk away
we'd split up and go our merry ways."”
[Audience laughs]
Because until he proves the validity of his feelings
I'm not going to stand there waiting for him to propose on my 59th birthday.
"...when you decide that you want to date me,
you marry me.
That's the day when I will become more important than your mother
[Audience laughs] and I'll stop chipping in on the rent."
Yeah. Life is like a game of musical chairs.
If you don't call it, someone else will, [Audience laughs]
the rest is not gonna make history.
Unless you put a ring on it,
it ain't a relationship in Millennial terms.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
Uncle Vilnik, but
you said when it comes to dating men like assholes?
No Janochka, I said men are like assholes.
Wow... that changes everything.
How was that last arschloch?
He was... ok... but he left a bad aftertaste in my mouth.
Now that makes sense... [Audience applauds]
My girlfriends are way smarter than me.
They read these books on Law...
of Attraction. [Audience laughs]
They say, "“If you want to attract the right guy,
you got to act like you already have one,
because that's how the Law of Attraction works."” [Laughs]
Instead of walking with a face that screams
"I'm craving dick" [Audience laughs]
tap into the sensation of having one. [Audience laughs]
I attract the craziest guys though.
I bow down to the doctors and paramedics,
but guys who drive ambulances kill me. [Audience laughs]
I'm talking about those Mini Coopers that open up in the back,
like an ambulance. [Audience laughs]
Wtf is that car, can anyone tell me?
[Audience laughs]
The extended version,
the bigger Mini...
can be used as a hearse for self-disposing.
I appreciate the thoughtfulness.
What does a woman have to do to attract a dude in a Mini
according to the Law of Attraction?
Isn'’t a Mini like
a fancy version of a PT Cruiser? [Audience laughs]
Or an emasculated Beetle? [Audience laughs]
"“Babe, hop in."” [Audience laughs]
"Um, I don't think I can fit in with my heels."
[Audience laughs]
"Try hopping in from the back. Have you tried the back?"
"You mean the exhaust pipe?
That looks wide enough." [Audience laughs]
Don't fucking pick me up in a Mini! [Audience laughs]
And if you want to own one, then at least get a convertible
So, I can get some room vertically. [Audience laughs]
I want to know the decision-making process
of an adult male purchasing a Mini.
What was it that triggered it?
Was it like a commercial he liked
or a real life scenario like,
"“Oh, I want THAT car."” [Audience laughs]
Have you ever seen a smaller dog trying to fuck a dog twice its size?
[Audience laughs]
That's what our cars look like when parked behind each other.
And I drive a normal-size sedan. [Audience laughs]
I'd be more comfortable if it was a Prius.
Driving a Prius is a mentality,
it hints on potential growth,
a life transition,
or that he drives for Uber. [Audience laughs]
It's green. It gives you good mileage.
You feel responsibility coming from every pore of his.
[Audience laughs]
It also says that he doesn't care about what people think
yet he cares about humanity in general.
What about a Mini? [Audience laughs]
It literally screams in your face,
"I don't care what hot women think about me."
And it's not cheap either, so why not a BMW? [Audience laughs]
[Clapping]
A Mini is a reflection of one's mindset too.
It basically says that the owner gave up on the idea
of ever having sex again...
in the back seat of his car. [Audience laughs]
Now, how do you want me to introduce the fact
that you drive a Mini to my girlfriends?
"And what does he drive?"
Not because my girls are shallow. It's because they care...
about the environment...
in my life. [Audience laughs]
There's no way I'd be able to pull it off with confidence.
We obviously weren't a match, so... [Audience laughs]
I've come a long way in my love-addiction recovery,
yet I still get addicted to people,
no matter what kind of car they drive. [Audience laughs]
I went from thinking that once a guy kisses you, it's love
to when a guy kisses you down there, it's love,
to eating ass is for sure love, [Audience laughs]
until I saw this porn that flipped my world upside down
[Audience laughs]
and it made me realize that the body and the soul
are two different completely unrelated things.
Amazing fucking,
apparently has nothing to do with love. [Audience laughs]
Yet you do have to be somewhat in love
in order to do most of the things they do in porn,
[Audience laughs] as life shows.
So now every time I feel chemistry with someone
yet zero soul connection,
I gently remind myself that instead of
signing off my life to yet another loser and going down the spiral,
coming out like a peach, consumed and digested,
I should just turn on porn.
But no matter how much improvement I think I make,
my appreciation for angry fucking remains the same.
[Audience laughs] Nothing tops that.
Angry fucking is the ultimate proof of love,
because unless he loves you, he won't angry-fuck you.
[Audience laughs]
Sometimes when I need the confirmation...
and you really got to get under his skin,
cuz you only got one spear to throw.
Otherwise, it's called nagging
and you know what happens to women who nag... [Audience laughs]
not sexy.
Those women who try to cunt-roll... [Audience laughs]
What is sexy is telling the truth. [Applause]
Always go for a true fact.
If you love your man and he loves you back, everything could be overcome.
So guys, please remember that nothing boosts a woman's confidence
like eating her ass. [Audience laughs]
There were 23 cons and one pro
to the last guy I was seeing.
And he only stuck around because
he was so... extremely anal
and that was the healing I needed to move on
from my anal stage. [Audience applause]
Janochka.
I can't imagine ever being married again.
Marriage - very good, but no more than three times.
You know, in old Soviet, no divorce.
You just have to keep marrying over and over.
But you support marriage?
I support ex-wives.
Ok. Show me your skeleton.
The Skeleton? It'’s a Soviet Skeleton.
Come on, let'’s go I show you.
[Humming]
Come look, look! Soviet Skeleton!
It's my new... My new doll.
Wow!
Blow, blow, blow up girls till they're nice and plump.
Some don't want to be blown then I try to pump.
[Shower running]
[Treadmill sound] Sip, sip, sip my vodka, tastes so very good,
I'’d go back to old Ukraine if I only could.
[Ukrainian song]