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YTS.MX
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Uncle Vilnik!
4
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,559
Uncle Vilnik!
5
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:42,085
[murmuring to himself]
6
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:46,959
- Uncle Vilnik!
- Janochka! What you do here?
7
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:50,093
It's Sunday, our work out day.
8
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:54,445
Work out day? Truth. I've been
lifting
all morning already.
9
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,013
You want some?
10
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:01,496
Is... is this vodka?
11
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:04,629
I like my vodka like my women:
12
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:09,025
perfect mix of old Ukraine and Soviet.
13
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,332
How are we gonna
to work out like this?
14
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:16,859
You know, when I was training to be
a first cosmonaut in space,
15
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,080
big work out, I had to lift
guess how much?
16
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,039
How much you guess?
Two thousand kilograms...
17
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,214
[Janet Laughs]
18
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:27,043
In space.
[Janet Laughs]
19
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:39,838
Janochka, when you were little,
I remember, you wanted to be nun.
20
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,275
Yup!
21
00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:43,668
You may not know, Uncle Vilnik
wanted to be priest.
22
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:49,326
Then I turned 13, I find out
priest
no can have sex.
23
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,069
But now, they have sex.
24
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,855
It's too bad, it was only job
where
I could wear dress to work.
25
00:01:56,899 --> 00:01:58,596
[Janet Laughs]
26
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,730
Then Yuri call, and ask me
to be comrade to train for space.
27
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,384
[Janet Laughs]
28
00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:07,736
[Music]
29
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:17,572
[Crowd applauds]
30
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:21,228
I'm originally from Ukraine
31
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:27,277
the country that's been
functioning
as one giant quarantine
32
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,975
after the Soviet fell apart.
33
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,368
[Audience laughs]
34
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:34,719
Fucking, drinking and stunt
dancing kosak-style
35
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:37,722
were the only
forms of entertainment.
36
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,159
[Audience laughs]
37
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,640
Covid or any other
socially transmitted diseases
38
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:46,557
were unallowable,
they'’d send you to Siberia.
39
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,342
[Audience laughs]
40
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:52,955
The country has been in
deep shit since forever,
41
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,566
but I'm only telling you this
42
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to remind you that
we're all in this together.
43
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,311
[Audience laughs]
44
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,444
And look how strong I turned out.
45
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,968
[Audience laughs]
46
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:09,232
And I was born
on the exact day of Chernobyl.
47
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:10,755
[Audience laughs]
48
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:14,106
That wasn't a joke.
That's just my luck.
49
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,934
[Audience laughs]
50
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,415
I'm wearing this one-piece
51
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as a Millennial tribute
to all the female comedians
52
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336
who stole the look
from Dave Chappelle.
53
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:27,816
[Audience laughs]
54
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,732
And these glasses
55
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:33,604
just to add a bit more credibility
56
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:36,607
for those who have
a hard time focusing on...
57
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:41,221
what I'm saying, rather
than what I'm saying it with.
58
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,658
[Audience laughs]
59
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,094
It's like a stop sign,
60
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:48,880
unless you circle it,
no one's gonna notice it.
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00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,361
[Audience laughs]
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00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:55,191
My full name now is Janet Roth,
63
00:03:55,496 --> 00:04:00,631
because I like my Jewish
last names short-and-sweet,
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00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:07,377
without any... unnecessary
dangling... at the end...
65
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:10,772
[Audience laughs]
of the word.
66
00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:15,516
I'm lucky my ex at least
gave me... a nice... last name.
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00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:20,912
My Armenian maiden name
had four syllables,
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00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,654
the word kiss in it
[Audience laughs]
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00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:27,571
and a question mark.
[Audience laughs].
70
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:31,053
You can'’t go out in the public
when it's dangling like that.
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00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:33,360
[Clapping]
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00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,188
What I do is not easy,
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00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:42,151
most women my age have chosen
to become either a mother... or
a CPA
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00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:45,807
just to make sure they control
everyone in the family.
75
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:47,199
[Audience laughs]
76
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:49,898
I've started out with an
accounting degree too.
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00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:55,382
I just wasn't anal enough
to take it to the next level...
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00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,470
[Audience laughs]
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00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,124
like I did with anal sex.
80
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:06,175
Anal sex is the only avenue
if the dick is too long.
81
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,568
[Audience laughs]
82
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,048
It's happened to the best of us.
[Audience laughs]
83
00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:13,574
What do you do?
[Audience laughs]
84
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:19,884
Mind you, I didn't say too big,
I said too long,
85
00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:22,583
[Audience laughs]
because ass
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00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:27,283
is made particularly for this
[Audience laughs]
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00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,678
as it is bottoml-ass.
[Audience laughs]
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00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:35,073
My problem as an accountant was
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00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:40,122
that sometimes instead of 96
I'd put down 69
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00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,906
[Audience laughs]
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00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:45,301
and that would fuck
with my... bottom line.
92
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,216
[Audience laughs]
93
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:52,395
I had to switch careers...
like 27 times,
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00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:57,705
like any normal Millennial these
days.
[Audience laughs]
95
00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:00,838
{\an8}Today, I'm a reporter.
I've chosen to
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00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:05,321
devote my life to reporting
straight from the crime scene where
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00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,932
"we're witnessing a male
[Audience laughs]
98
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:11,109
who seems to have suffered
multiple knife injuries,
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00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:14,809
lying with his face down
in a neighborhood alley."
100
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,985
[Audience laughs]
101
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:21,119
I have to report on modern day
"issues" from my life
102
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:24,906
so it happens less
in other people's lives,
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00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:30,477
cuz I personally feel like killing
a motherfucker EVERY SINGLE DAY...
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00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,957
[Audience laughs]
[Clapping]
105
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,916
I now live in LA.
106
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:40,182
I've been fortunate enough to have
traveled the world at my age,
107
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,793
and I must admit...
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00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:48,320
LA is a truly exceptional city.
[Audience laughs]
109
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:53,064
There is no other city like
LA...
dating-wise.
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00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:57,504
Everyone complains {\an8}how hard
dating in LA is.
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00:06:57,547 --> 00:06:59,636
Of course it is.
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00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:05,337
Dating in LA is like making it
in LA,
a motherfucking artform.
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00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:06,251
[Audience laughs]
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00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,471
Being an artist is not enough.
115
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:11,866
You have to be a con-artist to
make it.
[Audience laughs]
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00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:15,391
[Clapping]
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00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:19,526
Men, if you have a hard time
dating in LA
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00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:22,616
it's because of either:
119
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:25,227
One - your job is not as cool as hers,
120
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:30,319
or - you're trying to have someone
take care of you.
121
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:32,016
[Audience laughs]
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00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:36,456
Which are two ends of the
same... dick.
[Audience laughs]
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00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:42,418
Dating in LA can be summarized
with one simple sentence:
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00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:46,596
"build it, and they will cum".
125
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,077
[Audience laughs]
[Clapping]
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00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,949
If you want to have a good
dating life in LA,
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00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:56,040
you gotta know that LA is a war zone
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00:07:56,084 --> 00:08:00,088
where every woman is some
kind of a warrior.
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00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:04,440
If she wanted to settle,
she would've stayed in Indiana
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00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,790
where there's nicer people,
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00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,488
less traffic
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00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:12,100
and where she could have
her happy meal three times a day,
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00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:17,148
and actually retain the
happiness.
[Audience laughs]
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00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:21,022
{\an8}Bitch came here to fight for
her place under the sun.
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00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,198
Her attention span is {\an8}short
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00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:27,071
and her breasts
are not made for {\an8}
breastfeeding...
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00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:30,727
{\an8}babies.
[Laughs]
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00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,339
What kind of dating
do you expect in LA?
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00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:37,212
I'll tell you what she expects,
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00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:41,695
a modern tale of Tarzan and Jane
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00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:45,133
where the bitch gets saved
in the middle of the fight
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00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:48,571
for her... palm {\an8}tree,
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00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:54,664
"because sun is very damaging
from 10 to 4.
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00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,884
[Audience laughs]
You must know that.
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00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:59,582
You don't know that?
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00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:02,411
I need palm tree."
[Audience laughs]
147
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:05,414
Those are in higher demands.
[Audience laughs]
148
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:10,332
She dreams about being scooped up
by her {\an8}submissive alpha male
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00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:15,293
and thrown into a pool in Malibu.
[Audience laughs]
150
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:18,732
And then maybe, if she feels
like it,
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00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:21,909
she will do charity,
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00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:26,261
or become a CEO of a legging company
153
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:29,046
that donates 40% of their profit
154
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:34,835
to a cause that rescues
endangered bats in Guadalajara.
155
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:38,316
[Audience laughs]
- "...ah, so inspiring.
156
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,364
How did you get to where you are
today,
would you mind sharing?"
157
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:47,238
[Clapping]
Otherwise, don't even bother
with LA women.
158
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:53,941
Guys - I'll tell you things most
women won't
159
00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:58,554
because they don't have the
balls...
[Audience laughs]
160
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,296
Listen very carefully,
because this advice
161
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:05,126
is going to transform
your dating life in LA forever.
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00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:08,782
It's gonna get you pussy
every single time.
163
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:11,523
[Audience laughs]
164
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:16,877
If you wanna fuck an LA girl,
make a nice reservation,
165
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,662
pick her up in a nice car
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00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:24,058
and send her flowers the next
day.
[Audience laughs]
167
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,234
That's it. Bingo.
[Audience laughs]
168
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:31,456
One tiny detail, though,
make sure the flowers you send...
169
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,981
represent her pussy.
170
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:36,679
Because that's how she's
gonna perceive it.
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00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,159
[Audience laughs]
172
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:42,642
Your best bet is to send her
a luscious bouquet of
173
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:47,472
fresh pink roses.
[Audience laughs]
174
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:49,779
Don't send just one rose.
175
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,826
Cuz that represents... a single pube.
176
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,089
Or a one-night stand.
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00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,657
I don't know... You don't want
to get
the girl's imagination
178
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:03,488
going in the wrong direction.
[Clapping]
179
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,752
And don't text her the
next day like,
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00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:08,363
"“How about now, girl, how about
now?"”
181
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,714
[Audience laughs]
Let the girl sit on it.
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00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,803
Let her marinate.
183
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:18,808
Let {\an8}her reach out to you and be cute.
184
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:23,595
And please, don't pick
her up in a Mini Cooper.
185
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:27,338
[Audience laughs]
If you're a Jewish male after 50
186
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:30,385
and you drive a Mini,
187
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:33,997
make sure you hide it
as long as you can
188
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:39,960
[Audience laughs]
because even though you might know
189
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,397
you have a big dick
190
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,271
it'll still plant suspicion
in her mind. [Laughs]
191
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:48,882
Just get a nice car.
192
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,493
That's why God created Uber.
193
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:53,756
[Audience laughs]
[Clapping].
194
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,455
Another trick - comment on her posts.
195
00:11:57,499 --> 00:12:00,328
LA women like that a lot.
196
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,287
But that goes without
saying, right?
197
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:08,597
This will help you figure out
how she really feels about you.
198
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,079
It's one of those rare cases in life
199
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,995
when comparing yourself to others
200
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:17,998
will actually yield you
an accurate feedback.
201
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,129
[Audience laughs]
202
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:21,175
When you finally succeed
203
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:23,830
and get... closer... to
the woman... of your dreams...
204
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:30,924
all we wanna know is that your
sex life sucked... before you
met us.
205
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,839
[Audience laughs]
206
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:36,668
There's no bigger compliment
you can pay a woman
207
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:41,412
than telling her that she's
the best lover you've ever had...
208
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:44,502
[Audience laughs]
then by eating her ass.
209
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,810
Indirect compliments like that
210
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,813
are fundamental to our
growth and development,
211
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:54,034
they're the only ones
that count in our world.
212
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,863
They're the best confidence boosters.
213
00:12:56,906 --> 00:13:01,824
Because we women like to
derive truth in our own unique ways...
214
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:05,001
Using deductive reasoning and
[Audience laughs]
215
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:09,353
other magical avenues of
figuring out
how you really feel about us.
216
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:13,270
[Audience laughs]
[Clapping]
217
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,577
We can do this all day long.
218
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:19,973
And that's what we do all day long.
[Audience laughs]
219
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,758
Every time you make a move, know
220
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:27,328
that we're "monitoring
your behaviour".
221
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,809
[Laughs]
222
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:35,292
I'm just kidding.
We can'’t do this all day long.
223
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:38,643
We'd go crazy.
[Audience laughs]
224
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:42,256
Wait...
[Clapping]
225
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:44,736
[Music]
226
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:46,347
Who are the girls?
227
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,871
Oh who? These are
my mail order brides.
228
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,873
They come all the way from China.
229
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,701
Cheaper that way.
230
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:55,138
Why don't you
get on pool with girls?
231
00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:56,966
Olga come on, be more welcoming.
232
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,707
Get in with Helga.
233
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,231
[Laughs] What about
the exercising?
234
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:05,409
Exercising? I had to blow
these girls 45 minutes.
235
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,890
You have no idea how much exercise.
236
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,545
Why do you need three?
237
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:14,201
Uncle Vilnik live in big
American suburban house.
238
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,507
Too much room for Vilnik all alone.
239
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:21,730
But you should see my new one.
I call her my Soviet Skeleton.
240
00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,906
[Laughs] Where'’s she at?
241
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,475
Where is she at? Where do they put
skeletons in America.
242
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,216
I put in closet.
243
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:31,087
[Laughs]
[Audience applause]
244
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:35,613
Romance seems to be extinct in the
20s-60s age group category,
245
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,746
have you guys noticed?
246
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,575
The cycle starts again at 60.
247
00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:43,970
[Audience laughs]
For men of course...
248
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:47,930
Our cycle is completely gone
by the time most men mature.
249
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,628
[Audience laughs]
If ever,
250
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,718
as my research shows.
251
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:57,331
I'm personally done with dating men
252
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,638
or rather calling them
"boy-friends".
253
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:04,077
Like, what the fuck is
a {\an8}boy-friend to begin with?
254
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,730
[Audience laughs]
255
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:09,517
I... I have a problem with
that word.
256
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,954
It's the XXI century.
257
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,696
Who cares about sex...
258
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:18,395
of the person? [Audience laughs]
259
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,702
A boyfriend? [Audience laughs]
260
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:24,358
Friend vs spouse is
what I'm looking for.
261
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:28,144
And the second reason why
I'm done with dating men is...
262
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:33,933
because there is no point
to dating at my age anymore.
263
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:39,025
Everything is clear now.
Take it or leave it.
264
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,417
[Audience laughs]
265
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,680
Nothing new to discover here.
[Audience laughs]
266
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:47,990
Same bodily functions,
same genital sensations.
267
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:51,211
Same passion for fast food.
[Audience laughs]
268
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:55,302
And most likely the only passion
we'll have in common
269
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:57,826
if you live in LA. [Audience
laughs]
270
00:15:57,869 --> 00:16:02,265
Cuz we all want it
but we can't have it,
271
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:04,006
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
272
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,052
unlike Amazon...
273
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:09,881
so much fun and zero calories!
274
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:11,709
[Audience laughs]
275
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:16,018
Recent research data shows that
it's Amazon that makes women happy,
276
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:19,108
not dating.
277
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:22,851
Who. Knew. {\an8}That. about JB?
278
00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:29,205
He, out of all men, has been
able
to satisfy MILLIONS of women...
at once.
279
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:35,429
Ladies, next time your man
proposes
to you with a flea-market ring,
280
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:38,736
[Audience laughs]
think twice before you say no.
281
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,348
Besides making us happy,
282
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:45,830
Amazon shows women what
our productivity can really look like.
283
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,270
We learn just how fast
we can complete a task
284
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:54,361
when we go over 500 bras,
[Audience laughs]
285
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,016
pick out the top 3 best ones
286
00:16:57,059 --> 00:17:00,976
and check out, all in under 69 seconds.
287
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,151
[Audience laughs]
288
00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:04,371
Yes, I tracked time.
289
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:08,288
I'm extremely anal.
[Clapping]
290
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,855
Amazon shopping is the best!
291
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:14,076
Order, track, return, no label needed.
292
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:19,125
WOW! That satisfies all my
primal needs as a woman,
293
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:22,476
it makes me feel like...
I'm running the world.
294
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:26,088
And the shit even arrives
ahead of time!
295
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:29,831
Amazon is {\an8}the only time
296
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:33,704
a woman is happy when a load
gets delivered early...
297
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:37,969
by a guy with a tiny flat package.
[Audience laughs]
298
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:42,104
It's better than Adderall,
[Audience laughs]
299
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:47,370
it gives you the feeling of
complete
control for under $10/month.
300
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:53,463
Wow... Thanks Bezos, muchos besos.
[Clapping]
301
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:55,074
It's even better than anal.
302
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:58,251
For those who haven't
tried anal yet,
303
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:04,257
it basically feels like getting
penetrated
by a giant log of shit.
304
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,519
[Audience laughs]
305
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:09,566
Advantages - it opens up your
first chakra
306
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:14,876
and if you're pale, blood will rush
to both pairs of your cheeks
307
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:18,836
and will give you a beautiful,
nice glow.
308
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,448
That's why girls like it...
309
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:25,713
Well, you can'’t tell under these
lights... but...
310
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,976
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
311
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:32,415
It's nice that Jewish guys
appreciate anal sex
312
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:35,723
despite it being non-kosher.
[Audience laughs]
313
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:39,161
Jewish men are the most attractive
after 50, though.
314
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:43,165
They finally mature a lil bit...
315
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:47,430
cuz mommy isn't around anymore.
316
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:51,478
Which is good news for me.
[Audience laughs]
317
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:55,656
Cuz most mothers in law
would hate me. [Audience laughs]
318
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:58,006
Imagine me as a daughter in law...
319
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:01,488
"“mom, because of your kosher cooking,
320
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,055
his farts smell like matzo
balls."”
321
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:07,711
They do!
[Audience laughs]
322
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:12,325
No wonder Jewish women
don't go down on men.
323
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,894
They have their face in the
matzo balls soup all day long.
324
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,896
[Audience laughs]
325
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,551
I like my men
- Kamala-
- Harris-style:
326
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:25,990
cute, Jewish, divorced,
preferably with daughters.
327
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,254
I like fathers.
328
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:32,214
Fathers are more attentive
in my opinion.
329
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:37,611
They're more loving. More
patient
kind of a man.
330
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:44,705
They've seen the real shit,
loved a bitch,
or several once. [Audience
laughs]
331
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,882
They know how to roll through
that time of the month.
332
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:54,236
I guess that makes me a
father-fucker.
[Audience laughs]
333
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,414
I don't discriminate against men
who have sons,
334
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:01,243
cuz if daddy's being a dick,
335
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:05,029
I can threaten to fuck his sons
when they grow up.
336
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:08,337
Both of them. At once.
[Audience laughs]
337
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:10,644
How's that for a revenge.
338
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,995
Can'’t top that one.
339
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,694
I wish Jeff Bezos came up
with Amazon Crime.
340
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:23,091
"Designed by one man,
made for all women."
341
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:28,705
[Clapping]
The box arrives empty and leaves full.
342
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,925
That would make life so much easier.
343
00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:37,540
What I don't like is when the kids
are older... than me.
344
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:40,848
[Audience laughs]
It creates unnecessary tensions...
345
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:44,417
between the father
and the kids.
346
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:50,510
{\an8}My ideal is when I'm a little
older
than his kids,
347
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:55,428
and he's a little younger
than my parents. [Audience
laughs]
348
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:58,518
By the way ladies, a rule of thumb,
349
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:03,479
if his kids don't
know about you,
350
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:07,309
you don't need to hear about
them.
[Audience laughs]
351
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:12,096
There is nothing more
off-putting
than a dude sharing
352
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:15,883
what he's gonna do with his kids
tomorrow. [Audience laughs]
353
00:21:15,926 --> 00:21:20,191
Unless you're going to tell
them what you and I did tonight...
354
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:23,717
and where that English cucumber went
355
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,329
before you fed it to them...
[Audience laughs]
356
00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:32,029
And another rule of thumb,
357
00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:35,206
which is more like
the rule of the middle finger,
358
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,904
[Audience laughs]
359
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:41,822
if he tells you that he's not
married,
he is separated -
360
00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:46,261
gently remind him that
in order to be separated,
361
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,350
you have to be married...
362
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:53,747
Or just get Amazon Crime if he
doesn't get it. [Audience
laughs]
363
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,792
[Clapping] But no,
364
00:21:55,836 --> 00:22:00,275
I like fathers because
they have experience
365
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,931
handling multiple personalities
at once.
[Audience laughs]
366
00:22:03,974 --> 00:22:09,371
It's funny how sometimes
you hang out with his kids
367
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,721
and something like this happens.
368
00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:15,072
"Dad, can Carlie and I watch
TV?"”
369
00:22:15,116 --> 00:22:17,771
[Audience laughs]
"“Did you do your homework?"”
370
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:21,165
"“Not yet."” [Audience laughs]
371
00:22:21,209 --> 00:22:23,254
"“OK, do your homework first,"”
372
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:30,349
says he with the same mouth
he ate... my ass 30 minutes ago.
373
00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:38,226
"“Janet, don'’t say that. Dad
would
never do something like this."”
374
00:22:38,879 --> 00:22:41,272
"“Billy, shut the fuck up.
375
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:44,145
Your dad can'’t wait for you
to fall asleep
376
00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:46,452
so he can go back to... eating
ass."”
377
00:22:46,495 --> 00:22:48,584
[Audience laughs]
378
00:22:48,628 --> 00:22:52,109
But men over 40, without kids,
379
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:55,852
who call themselves
late bloomers
380
00:22:55,896 --> 00:23:00,509
are usually just full of
fertilizer.
[Audience laughs]
381
00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:02,468
They annoy the fuck out of me.
382
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:06,210
How do you know
you are one, Mr... Greenthumb?
383
00:23:06,254 --> 00:23:12,042
[Audience laughs] The question
is,
what are we growing here
exactly?
384
00:23:12,086 --> 00:23:15,306
What direction are we headed in?
385
00:23:16,830 --> 00:23:19,441
That's why I don't mess with youngsters...
386
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:22,488
under 39.
[Audience laughs]
387
00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:24,403
It's like marrying a kid.
388
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:27,710
You don't know what he's going
to turn into in 15 years.
389
00:23:30,191 --> 00:23:33,020
I had to turn myself into a
happy woman.
390
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:36,980
I couldn't rely on a man
to sustain my happiness.
391
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:42,812
Supposedly, it doesn't work like
that...
for Millennials. [Audience
laughs]
392
00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:44,814
Even my shrink wouldn't get me.
393
00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:48,296
He thought I was anal compulsive,
394
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:51,604
while I'm simply compulsive
about anal.
395
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:53,997
[Audience laughs]
396
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:58,393
So, I had to take control
of my own happiness
397
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:04,530
and arrange everything
within the confines of my home.
398
00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:08,534
- I call it Bread-Bath-and-
- Beyond. [Audience laughs]
399
00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:12,233
Fresh bread in bed, a CBD bath,
400
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:16,324
and a dick.
[Audience laughs]
401
00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:20,241
It's the little things
that make us women happy.
402
00:24:21,721 --> 00:24:23,853
Come on, guys!
that was a joke.
403
00:24:23,897 --> 00:24:26,900
[Audience laughs]
404
00:24:27,030 --> 00:24:30,512
I am the perfect example
of a simple woman,
405
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:35,909
feed me, fuck me, let me sleep
and I'll be happy.
406
00:24:36,213 --> 00:24:40,696
That's why I can only picture myself
with a man who's a hard worker.
407
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:45,614
Because sex is hard work.
[Audience laughs]
408
00:24:45,658 --> 00:24:47,921
If the guy's not going an extra mile,
409
00:24:47,964 --> 00:24:51,664
the whole thing is going
to fall apart sooner or later.
410
00:24:52,012 --> 00:24:56,451
Unless he's using both his index
and middle fingers,
411
00:24:56,495 --> 00:25:00,760
dick, eats my ass
and sucks my toes...
412
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:03,458
all at the same time...
413
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:07,593
I will get bored.
[Audience laughs]
414
00:25:07,636 --> 00:25:10,291
What'’s left otherwise,
415
00:25:10,726 --> 00:25:16,079
unless the dick is versatile and
can
go places, [Audience laughs]
416
00:25:16,123 --> 00:25:19,909
I'll be thinking about all those
fun things that I see on the internet
417
00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,956
when I pull up porn.
418
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:27,308
Which happens like three times a day...
[Clapping]
419
00:25:27,351 --> 00:25:30,006
during the quarantine.
420
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,445
Make sure the dick is
functioning
though. [Audience laughs]
421
00:25:34,489 --> 00:25:36,839
Let's agree on one thing,
422
00:25:36,883 --> 00:25:40,495
if you're a male after 50,
423
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:44,238
your dick is emotionally
sensitive.
[Audience laughs]
424
00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:47,371
It is volatile. [Audience
laughs]
425
00:25:47,415 --> 00:25:52,028
It is easily offended.
[Audience laughs]
426
00:25:52,072 --> 00:25:55,423
You know what I mean?
[Audience laughs] It fluctuates
427
00:25:55,466 --> 00:26:00,297
like the stock market.
[Audience laughs]
428
00:26:00,341 --> 00:26:04,563
If your dick goes down
more than it goes up,
429
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:07,478
if it's not a solid bid,
430
00:26:07,522 --> 00:26:12,135
then at least have {\an8}the balls
to do something about it.
431
00:26:12,179 --> 00:26:14,442
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
432
00:26:14,485 --> 00:26:17,271
If I were a guy I'd be popping
those pills
433
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,751
just for maintenance.
434
00:26:18,794 --> 00:26:21,797
I'd take them first thing in the
morning
with my coffee
435
00:26:21,841 --> 00:26:25,932
and I'd just sit there and wait for
436
00:26:25,975 --> 00:26:29,065
all the opportunities to
unfold in front of me.
437
00:26:29,109 --> 00:26:33,896
The blue pill is
like telling a woman that,
438
00:26:33,940 --> 00:26:37,030
that there's a breast
enlargement pill
439
00:26:37,073 --> 00:26:41,425
that works for absolutely
anyone,
[Audience laughs]
440
00:26:41,469 --> 00:26:43,950
even the girl with the flattest titties,
441
00:26:43,993 --> 00:26:46,909
has zero side effects
442
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:51,653
and your doctor can prescribe it
to you...
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
443
00:26:51,697 --> 00:26:54,917
{\an8}every woman would be on it!
I promise you.
444
00:26:54,961 --> 00:26:59,705
It's simple courtesy, just like
opening the door. [Audience
laughs]
445
00:26:59,748 --> 00:27:02,490
[Clapping]
I like it when men
446
00:27:02,533 --> 00:27:04,753
25 years and older than me
447
00:27:04,797 --> 00:27:06,450
say shit like
448
00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,539
"I want to spend forever with
you."
449
00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:12,587
This category of men is the most fun.
450
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:15,198
At that age,
451
00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:19,246
your life expectancy doesn't
qualify
452
00:27:19,289 --> 00:27:21,509
as forever.
[Audience laughs]
453
00:27:21,552 --> 00:27:26,340
My forever and your forever
are not the same forevers,
454
00:27:26,383 --> 00:27:31,954
[Audience laughs] which is what
makes
our age difference irreconcilable.
455
00:27:34,043 --> 00:27:40,484
Unless of course,
you know how to slap ass..et or two
456
00:27:40,528 --> 00:27:44,532
on my balance sheet. [Clapping]
457
00:27:44,575 --> 00:27:48,710
Well, that's an old accountant
in me speaking.
458
00:27:48,754 --> 00:27:50,016
[Audience laughs]
459
00:27:50,059 --> 00:27:53,106
Forever, meaning like until
Covid do us part?
460
00:27:53,149 --> 00:27:56,587
That's how cougars are born.
[Audience laughs]
461
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:00,461
But why you need so many?
462
00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:04,378
It's not easy to date in LA.
463
00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:08,774
In old country, we stand in line
all day for anything,
464
00:28:08,817 --> 00:28:11,472
good way to meet girls,
but here not so easy.
465
00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:13,604
What I do?
466
00:28:13,648 --> 00:28:15,781
Are you on social media?
467
00:28:15,824 --> 00:28:18,914
Socialist media?
[Janet laughs]
468
00:28:19,828 --> 00:28:24,224
Oh yeah, Amazon...
You know, for senior like uncle Vilnik
469
00:28:24,267 --> 00:28:28,010
they need Amazon Past Your Prime
470
00:28:28,054 --> 00:28:30,360
- and then, any password works.
471
00:28:30,404 --> 00:28:32,667
But you like Amazon.
472
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:37,672
{\an8}I like Amazon. Big women.
Remind me of Eastern Europe.
473
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:40,980
{\an8}Big East German women, strong.
474
00:28:41,023 --> 00:28:42,677
{\an8}with very large breasts.
475
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:46,159
{\an8}But they take too long to blow
up.
[Janet laughs]
476
00:28:46,202 --> 00:28:49,858
[Audience applaud]
477
00:28:49,902 --> 00:28:53,079
You know, I never compare people...
478
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,212
every relationship is unique.
479
00:28:57,170 --> 00:29:03,611
Being with a man is sure... a
unique
experience, each time.
480
00:29:03,654 --> 00:29:04,786
[Audience laughs]
481
00:29:04,830 --> 00:29:06,657
But my last relationship
482
00:29:07,528 --> 00:29:11,750
pretty much reminded me
of the experience of having a dog.
483
00:29:11,793 --> 00:29:13,055
[Audience laughs]
484
00:29:13,099 --> 00:29:15,405
Don't go against the fur.
[Audience laughs]
485
00:29:15,449 --> 00:29:16,798
pick up their shit
486
00:29:16,842 --> 00:29:21,020
and try to stop him
from smelling every crotch.
487
00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:25,372
That's pretty much it.
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
488
00:29:25,415 --> 00:29:30,420
I mostly date extremely gentle men
489
00:29:30,464 --> 00:29:34,860
who come with an
emotional support animal.
490
00:29:34,903 --> 00:29:36,209
[Audience laughs]
491
00:29:36,731 --> 00:29:43,085
Every time I get a dog it's
because
the animal needs me.
492
00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:48,221
Every time they get a dog,
it's because {\an8}they... need the
animal.
493
00:29:48,264 --> 00:29:50,223
[Audience laughs]
494
00:29:50,571 --> 00:29:53,617
I guess it must feel very empowering
495
00:29:53,661 --> 00:29:56,229
to have a living being
follow your commands.
496
00:29:56,272 --> 00:29:58,057
[Audience laughs]
497
00:29:58,100 --> 00:30:02,626
It must be so good to finally
be...
in control... of your bitch.
498
00:30:02,670 --> 00:30:04,846
[Audience laughs]
499
00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:06,456
This actually isn't funny,
500
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,850
it's literally some people's
mission on Earth...
501
00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:14,029
to adopt a dog and finally
experience
true love and fulfillment.
502
00:30:14,073 --> 00:30:17,859
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
503
00:30:17,903 --> 00:30:20,514
Happens a lot in LA.
504
00:30:20,557 --> 00:30:26,868
He had us meet... so she could put
the pussy smell to the face...
505
00:30:26,912 --> 00:30:31,003
[Audience laughs]
must have been so confusing for her
506
00:30:31,046 --> 00:30:32,656
every time he would come home...
507
00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:40,055
he said not knowing me,
but smelling me
508
00:30:40,099 --> 00:30:45,408
was adding anxiety to
her existing separation anxiety...
509
00:30:45,452 --> 00:30:49,673
which she takes meds for.
[Audience laughs]
510
00:30:49,717 --> 00:30:55,897
Wait, who's the emotional
support
animal here? [Audience laughs]
511
00:30:55,941 --> 00:31:00,119
Blind leading the blind...
[Audience laughs]
512
00:31:00,162 --> 00:31:03,035
She acted like she already knew me...
513
00:31:03,078 --> 00:31:06,777
Pretentious bitches act that way
when they wanna be liked.
514
00:31:06,821 --> 00:31:10,694
He tried to make the
three of us work, but
515
00:31:10,738 --> 00:31:13,654
I made him choose.
516
00:31:13,959 --> 00:31:16,526
Now he gets real... emotional support,
517
00:31:16,570 --> 00:31:20,052
real doggy style and full-body
kisses.
518
00:31:20,095 --> 00:31:21,923
[Audience laughs]
519
00:31:21,967 --> 00:31:26,145
He can'’t pick up his own shit,
he's going to pick up her shit
now?
520
00:31:27,755 --> 00:31:32,586
I was like, "take that house
too,
she's gonna need it."
521
00:31:32,629 --> 00:31:35,415
He left me a doghouse,
what did {\an8}you think?
522
00:31:35,458 --> 00:31:37,199
[Audience laughs]
523
00:31:38,374 --> 00:31:42,988
His argument was that dogs
are men's best friends.
524
00:31:43,031 --> 00:31:44,511
[Audience laughs]
525
00:31:44,554 --> 00:31:48,036
That is so offensive to us
women.
[Audience laughs]
526
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:51,039
We feed you, we share
a bed with you,
527
00:31:51,083 --> 00:31:54,434
we listen to you, we give you advice.
528
00:31:54,477 --> 00:32:00,614
How in the world can a dog
possibly be regarded as a
friend?
529
00:32:01,223 --> 00:32:05,184
A friend is someone who has
an independent opinion,
530
00:32:05,227 --> 00:32:10,363
emphasizing the word {\an8}
independent.
[Audience laughs]
531
00:32:10,406 --> 00:32:14,410
Would you still regard dogs as
friends,
if they had opinions?
532
00:32:14,454 --> 00:32:19,720
What's even worse is marriage.
533
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:26,814
Real vows can'’t be broken.
Otherwise
what's the point of giving a
vow?
534
00:32:27,336 --> 00:32:30,383
Yet people {\an8}still rush to
get married while
535
00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:34,648
thousands of couples get
divorced
every single day.
536
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,478
Marriage is scary.
[Audience laughs]
537
00:32:38,521 --> 00:32:40,784
It turns you into a liar.
538
00:32:41,742 --> 00:32:45,093
Promising someone that you'll
love them forever
539
00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:47,400
is a lie.
[Audience laughs]
540
00:32:47,443 --> 00:32:50,229
How can you possibly know?
[Audience laughs]
541
00:32:50,272 --> 00:32:54,929
That's why so many couples feel
this
weight weighing down on them,
542
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:59,107
and one day they eventually
collapse under it.
543
00:32:59,151 --> 00:33:04,460
[Audience laughs]
The weight of a mutual marital lie.
544
00:33:04,504 --> 00:33:06,723
[Audience laughs]
545
00:33:06,767 --> 00:33:09,988
Marital vows should be
like a weather report,
546
00:33:10,684 --> 00:33:15,036
there's a promise of eternal happiness
with 60% chance of divorce.
547
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,734
[Audience laughs]
548
00:33:18,083 --> 00:33:23,349
These two people just lied to each
other, because everyone else
does it.
549
00:33:23,784 --> 00:33:29,311
Their parents did it and so did
their second and third spouses.
550
00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:32,314
Now they have to live
with it "forever",
551
00:33:32,358 --> 00:33:36,927
wondering, "what would happen if
they {\an8}stop loving each other?"
552
00:33:37,189 --> 00:33:39,887
"What's it gonna look like?"
[Audience laughs]
553
00:33:39,930 --> 00:33:42,455
Ugly. [Audience laughs]
I'm telling you.
554
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,197
It's gonna look so ugly
555
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,809
that even all the ugliness
you've seen on TV
556
00:33:48,852 --> 00:33:51,725
won't compare to what
you're about to witness.
557
00:33:51,768 --> 00:33:53,640
[Audience laughs]
558
00:33:53,683 --> 00:33:58,036
In the process of divorce, most adults
complete their course on humanity
559
00:33:58,079 --> 00:34:03,041
and what true human nature
can look like. [Audience laughs]
560
00:34:03,998 --> 00:34:05,478
And where did it all begin?
561
00:34:05,521 --> 00:34:08,481
At the altar.
[Audience laughs]
562
00:34:08,742 --> 00:34:11,701
I'm not sure how credible the
church is.
563
00:34:11,745 --> 00:34:15,053
Last time I asked church,
564
00:34:15,096 --> 00:34:19,144
they said I should only have sex
when I want to have children.
565
00:34:20,145 --> 00:34:22,582
Then please explain to me
566
00:34:22,625 --> 00:34:25,237
why I'm the horniest the day
before my period?
567
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:29,284
[Audience laughs]
568
00:34:29,328 --> 00:34:33,854
It's time for the church to get their
story straight,
569
00:34:33,897 --> 00:34:36,117
[Audience laughs]
because they're losing their audience.
570
00:34:36,161 --> 00:34:40,904
According to my peers, churches,
even the Sexting chapel,
571
00:34:40,948 --> 00:34:44,038
where we can witness God
touching a man
572
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:48,564
will all go out of business by 2030.
[Audience laughs]
573
00:34:48,608 --> 00:34:53,221
Cramps next day -- sure, I can
see that
being a form of punishment...
574
00:34:53,265 --> 00:34:58,661
but tearing the pussy to pieces
every time you got fucked...
575
00:34:58,705 --> 00:35:02,056
that kind of punishment
I don't understand.
576
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,014
[Audience laughs]
577
00:35:04,058 --> 00:35:08,106
You think that kind of pain
would stop
the world from overpopulating,
578
00:35:08,628 --> 00:35:12,110
but no. Women do it. Every day.
579
00:35:12,806 --> 00:35:16,505
Because women can do anything.
[Audience laughs]
580
00:35:16,766 --> 00:35:20,118
I just personally choose not to.
581
00:35:22,076 --> 00:35:24,513
Another problem with marital vows
582
00:35:24,557 --> 00:35:29,170
is that when you promise someone
to love them forever,
583
00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:34,523
they will forever... relax... starting
that exact moment...
584
00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:37,961
Think about it,
585
00:35:38,005 --> 00:35:42,052
if your man has been laid off
for 2.5 years
586
00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:47,101
and he sleeps like he just
worked
a 12-hour shift,
587
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:52,193
will you still be content
with the promise you gave
588
00:35:52,237 --> 00:35:54,935
to love him forever?
[Audience laughs]
589
00:35:54,978 --> 00:35:58,460
Ladies, there must be
some kind of quality control.
590
00:35:58,504 --> 00:36:00,767
[Audience laughs]
591
00:36:00,810 --> 00:36:02,986
Do you think that just because
you gave a vow
592
00:36:03,030 --> 00:36:06,425
you'll somehow magically
continue loving him?
593
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:11,038
Well, that's how you turn
a man into a pig.
594
00:36:11,081 --> 00:36:13,954
That's a sin.
595
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,741
And then they turn into a devil,
on their own. [Audience laughs]
596
00:36:18,785 --> 00:36:21,048
That's when you call
the same priest
597
00:36:21,091 --> 00:36:25,879
and have him perform an
exorcism on the fucker.
598
00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:29,970
"“Father, I just don't know what
to do.
599
00:36:30,013 --> 00:36:35,541
He keeps getting worse and
worse."”
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
600
00:36:35,584 --> 00:36:37,586
It's easier with men.
601
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:40,110
They just call an escort
602
00:36:40,154 --> 00:36:43,766
and pay them with your money.
[Audience laughs]
603
00:36:43,810 --> 00:36:47,030
And then the mofo has
the guts to say that
604
00:36:47,074 --> 00:36:50,033
you got it good cuz you got a job
605
00:36:50,077 --> 00:36:54,864
and you can't relate to his pain and
anxiety from being unemployed.
606
00:36:54,908 --> 00:36:56,518
[Audience laughs]
607
00:36:56,562 --> 00:37:00,392
He calls you an insensitive
bitch
and when you're at work,
608
00:37:00,435 --> 00:37:02,481
he rolls a joint
[Audience laughs]
609
00:37:02,524 --> 00:37:04,657
goes down to see your neighbor,
610
00:37:04,700 --> 00:37:07,399
has a 30 minute uninterrupted...
611
00:37:08,530 --> 00:37:11,838
monologue in the middle of
which he realizes...
612
00:37:11,881 --> 00:37:15,798
that he's been in love with this
girl
forever. [Audience laughs]
613
00:37:15,842 --> 00:37:19,672
I can't do that anymore.
[Audience laughs]
614
00:37:19,715 --> 00:37:23,502
Vows have to be rewritten.
[Clapping]
615
00:37:23,545 --> 00:37:27,636
Now if marital vows sounded
something like this,
616
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,769
everything would be different:
617
00:37:31,466 --> 00:37:34,861
"I truly hope to love you
forever,
[Audience laughs]
618
00:37:34,904 --> 00:37:36,558
hence the wedding
619
00:37:36,602 --> 00:37:42,825
yet in the honor of fear
of remaining alone,
620
00:37:42,869 --> 00:37:45,088
if our passion fades away,
621
00:37:45,132 --> 00:37:47,569
let's find it elsewhere,
622
00:37:47,613 --> 00:37:49,702
yet stay together
623
00:37:49,745 --> 00:37:51,007
forever
624
00:37:51,051 --> 00:37:54,837
until death do us part."
[Audience laughs]
625
00:37:54,881 --> 00:37:58,101
Generations would have been
saved!
626
00:37:58,145 --> 00:38:01,322
So many women wouldn't have had
to die
627
00:38:01,366 --> 00:38:05,370
from the hands of jealous
husbands
who cheated on them anyway.
628
00:38:05,413 --> 00:38:08,373
Just one additional sentence
629
00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:14,640
added to the ceremony will
change
the entire intercourse of humanity.
630
00:38:14,683 --> 00:38:19,819
Now that's keeping it real, church.
[Clapping]
631
00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:25,303
Can you imagine the success rate
of marriages after those vows?
632
00:38:25,912 --> 00:38:28,480
A mf 100%.
[Audience laughs]
633
00:38:28,523 --> 00:38:31,570
People would be looking
better and better.
634
00:38:31,613 --> 00:38:34,877
There'd be no room for
quitting the gym,
635
00:38:34,921 --> 00:38:37,576
the "unintentional" hurt
636
00:38:37,619 --> 00:38:40,840
or dirty socks on the bathroom floor.
637
00:38:40,883 --> 00:38:46,715
Your significant other would be {\an8}
afraid
to show up angry and ugly
638
00:38:46,759 --> 00:38:49,892
and dump all his shit on you.
[Audience laughs]
639
00:38:49,936 --> 00:38:53,853
Imagine the mentality people
would walk into a marriage with.
640
00:38:53,896 --> 00:38:57,073
Father walks the bride down the aisle.
641
00:38:57,117 --> 00:39:01,600
Her thoughts are "“Holy fk,
642
00:39:01,643 --> 00:39:05,038
I hope to make this one work, so that
this dude doesn't run away
643
00:39:05,081 --> 00:39:07,823
like the other 4..."”
[Audience laughs]
644
00:39:07,867 --> 00:39:10,783
It would be impossible
to fuck up such marriage.
645
00:39:12,915 --> 00:39:16,223
Homewrecking as a profession
would completely go away
646
00:39:16,266 --> 00:39:20,706
and so would extramarital affairs.
[Audience laughs]
647
00:39:20,749 --> 00:39:24,884
Only fair, because if marriage
is
an economic proposition,
648
00:39:24,927 --> 00:39:29,062
then an affair should be double
the offer. [Audience laughs]
649
00:39:29,105 --> 00:39:31,673
Who can afford triple wages
these days?
650
00:39:31,717 --> 00:39:35,198
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
651
00:39:35,242 --> 00:39:37,418
Rules have to be rewritten.
652
00:39:37,462 --> 00:39:43,729
A {\an8}woman has to give a pre-vow
way before the couple has sex
653
00:39:43,772 --> 00:39:46,862
and the pre-vow should
sound something like this,
654
00:39:48,081 --> 00:39:52,085
"“Dear John, before we give
into our desires,
655
00:39:53,652 --> 00:39:57,003
I got to tell you that until
we're officially married,
656
00:39:57,046 --> 00:39:59,484
we're technically free.
[Audience laughs]
657
00:39:59,527 --> 00:40:04,140
We'll 'be seeing' each other
as long as we feel like it
658
00:40:04,184 --> 00:40:07,970
and the second someone
decides to cheat or walk away
659
00:40:08,014 --> 00:40:12,584
we'd split up and go our merry
ways."”
660
00:40:12,627 --> 00:40:15,108
[Audience laughs]
661
00:40:15,151 --> 00:40:18,894
Because until he proves
the validity of his feelings
662
00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:23,464
I'm not going to stand there
waiting for
him to propose on my 59th birthday.
663
00:40:24,639 --> 00:40:26,946
"...when you decide that you
want to date me,
664
00:40:26,989 --> 00:40:28,730
you marry me.
665
00:40:28,774 --> 00:40:33,474
That's the day when I will
become
more important than your mother
666
00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:36,216
[Audience laughs] and I'll stop
chipping in on the rent."
667
00:40:36,259 --> 00:40:41,439
Yeah. Life is like a game
of musical chairs.
668
00:40:41,482 --> 00:40:44,485
If you don't call it, someone
else will, [Audience laughs]
669
00:40:44,529 --> 00:40:47,923
the rest is not gonna make history.
670
00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:50,360
Unless you put a ring on it,
671
00:40:51,144 --> 00:40:54,190
it ain't a relationship in
Millennial terms.
672
00:40:54,234 --> 00:40:56,279
[Audience laughs] [Clapping]
673
00:40:57,150 --> 00:40:58,717
Uncle Vilnik, but
674
00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:02,503
you said when it comes to dating
men like assholes?
675
00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:07,769
No Janochka, I said
men {\an8}are like assholes.
676
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,294
Wow... that changes everything.
677
00:41:11,338 --> 00:41:13,253
How was that last {\an8}arschloch?
678
00:41:14,863 --> 00:41:19,215
He was... ok... but he left a bad
aftertaste in my mouth.
679
00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:21,827
Now that makes sense...
[Audience applauds]
680
00:41:22,958 --> 00:41:26,440
My girlfriends are
way smarter than me.
681
00:41:27,093 --> 00:41:29,530
They read these books on Law...
682
00:41:30,444 --> 00:41:33,447
of Attraction. [Audience laughs]
683
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,189
They say, "“If you want to
attract the right guy,
684
00:41:36,232 --> 00:41:39,279
you got to act like you
already have one,
685
00:41:39,322 --> 00:41:43,196
because that's how the Law
of Attraction works."” [Laughs]
686
00:41:43,892 --> 00:41:46,591
Instead of walking with
a face that screams
687
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:48,897
"I'm craving dick"
[Audience laughs]
688
00:41:48,941 --> 00:41:53,641
tap into the sensation of having
one.
[Audience laughs]
689
00:41:53,685 --> 00:41:57,297
I attract the craziest guys though.
690
00:41:59,386 --> 00:42:03,956
I bow down to the doctors
and paramedics,
691
00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:08,308
but guys who drive ambulances
kill me.
[Audience laughs]
692
00:42:08,351 --> 00:42:12,660
I'm talking about those Mini Coopers
that open up in the back,
693
00:42:12,704 --> 00:42:15,184
like an ambulance.
[Audience laughs]
694
00:42:15,228 --> 00:42:18,361
Wtf is that car,
can anyone tell me?
695
00:42:18,405 --> 00:42:19,580
[Audience laughs]
696
00:42:19,624 --> 00:42:21,843
The extended version,
697
00:42:21,887 --> 00:42:24,716
the bigger Mini...
698
00:42:24,759 --> 00:42:29,285
can be used as a hearse for
self-disposing.
699
00:42:29,329 --> 00:42:32,027
I appreciate the thoughtfulness.
700
00:42:33,159 --> 00:42:37,163
What does a woman have
to do to attract a dude in a Mini
701
00:42:37,206 --> 00:42:39,469
according to the Law of
Attraction?
702
00:42:39,513 --> 00:42:41,559
Isn'’t a Mini like
703
00:42:41,602 --> 00:42:44,953
a fancy version of a PT Cruiser?
[Audience laughs]
704
00:42:44,997 --> 00:42:47,869
Or an emasculated Beetle?
[Audience laughs]
705
00:42:47,913 --> 00:42:50,263
"“Babe, hop in."”
[Audience laughs]
706
00:42:50,306 --> 00:42:54,397
"Um, I don't think I can
fit in with my heels."
707
00:42:54,441 --> 00:42:55,964
[Audience laughs]
708
00:42:56,008 --> 00:42:58,880
"Try hopping in from the back.
Have you tried the back?"
709
00:42:58,924 --> 00:43:01,622
"You mean the exhaust pipe?
710
00:43:01,666 --> 00:43:04,103
That looks wide enough."
[Audience laughs]
711
00:43:04,843 --> 00:43:07,628
Don't fucking pick me up in a
Mini!
[Audience laughs]
712
00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:11,676
And if you want to own one, then at
least get a convertible
713
00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:16,594
So, I can get some room vertically.
[Audience laughs]
714
00:43:16,637 --> 00:43:19,727
I want to know
the decision-making process
715
00:43:19,771 --> 00:43:25,472
of an adult male purchasing a Mini.
716
00:43:25,515 --> 00:43:28,214
What was it that triggered it?
717
00:43:28,257 --> 00:43:30,782
Was it like a commercial he liked
718
00:43:30,825 --> 00:43:34,089
or a real life scenario like,
719
00:43:34,133 --> 00:43:39,399
"“Oh, I want THAT car."”
[Audience laughs]
720
00:43:39,442 --> 00:43:45,013
Have you ever seen a smaller dog
trying to fuck a dog twice its
size?
721
00:43:45,057 --> 00:43:46,798
[Audience laughs]
722
00:43:46,841 --> 00:43:50,845
That's what our cars look like
when
parked behind each other.
723
00:43:50,889 --> 00:43:56,329
And I drive a normal-size sedan.
[Audience laughs]
724
00:43:56,372 --> 00:43:59,375
I'd be more comfortable
if it was a Prius.
725
00:43:59,419 --> 00:44:02,248
Driving a Prius is a mentality,
726
00:44:02,291 --> 00:44:05,207
it hints on potential growth,
727
00:44:05,251 --> 00:44:07,601
a life transition,
728
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:11,605
or that he drives for Uber.
[Audience laughs]
729
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,694
It's green. It gives you good mileage.
730
00:44:13,738 --> 00:44:18,786
You feel responsibility coming
from
every pore of his.
731
00:44:18,830 --> 00:44:21,310
[Audience laughs]
732
00:44:21,354 --> 00:44:25,053
It also says that he doesn't
care about what people think
733
00:44:25,097 --> 00:44:28,927
{\an8}yet he cares about
humanity in general.
734
00:44:28,970 --> 00:44:32,191
What about a Mini?
[Audience laughs]
735
00:44:32,234 --> 00:44:34,933
It literally screams in your face,
736
00:44:34,976 --> 00:44:38,284
"I don't care what hot women
think about me."
737
00:44:39,372 --> 00:44:45,160
And it's not cheap either, so
why not
a BMW? [Audience laughs]
738
00:44:45,204 --> 00:44:46,901
[Clapping]
739
00:44:47,293 --> 00:44:50,339
A Mini is a reflection of one's
mindset too.
740
00:44:51,123 --> 00:44:54,996
It basically says that the owner
gave up on the idea
741
00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:58,130
of ever having sex again...
742
00:44:58,173 --> 00:45:01,786
in the back seat of his car.
[Audience laughs]
743
00:45:01,829 --> 00:45:04,745
Now, how do you want me
to introduce the fact
744
00:45:04,789 --> 00:45:07,835
that you drive a Mini to my
girlfriends?
745
00:45:07,879 --> 00:45:10,664
"And what does he drive?"
746
00:45:11,143 --> 00:45:15,060
Not because my girls are shallow.
It's because they care...
747
00:45:15,103 --> 00:45:17,845
about the environment...
748
00:45:17,889 --> 00:45:21,806
in my life. [Audience laughs]
749
00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:25,679
There's no way I'd be able to
pull it off with confidence.
750
00:45:27,246 --> 00:45:31,032
We obviously weren't a match,
so...
[Audience laughs]
751
00:45:31,076 --> 00:45:35,602
I've come a long way in
my love-addiction recovery,
752
00:45:35,645 --> 00:45:39,780
yet I still get addicted to people,
753
00:45:39,824 --> 00:45:43,871
no matter what kind of car they
drive.
[Audience laughs]
754
00:45:43,915 --> 00:45:47,919
I went from thinking that once
a guy kisses you, it's love
755
00:45:47,962 --> 00:45:52,271
to when a guy kisses you down
there,
it's love,
756
00:45:52,314 --> 00:45:57,058
to eating ass is for {\an8}sure love,
[Audience laughs]
757
00:45:57,102 --> 00:46:01,933
until I saw this porn that
flipped
my world upside down
758
00:46:01,976 --> 00:46:03,369
[Audience laughs]
759
00:46:03,412 --> 00:46:08,504
and it made me realize that
the body and the soul
760
00:46:08,548 --> 00:46:13,596
are two different completely
unrelated things.
761
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:17,252
Amazing fucking,
762
00:46:17,296 --> 00:46:22,780
apparently has nothing to do
with love.
[Audience laughs]
763
00:46:22,823 --> 00:46:25,304
Yet you do have to be
somewhat in love
764
00:46:25,347 --> 00:46:28,220
in order to do most of
the things they do in porn,
765
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:32,093
[Audience laughs]
as life shows.
766
00:46:32,137 --> 00:46:36,402
So now every time I feel
chemistry with someone
767
00:46:36,445 --> 00:46:40,580
yet zero soul connection,
768
00:46:40,623 --> 00:46:45,803
I gently remind myself that
instead of
769
00:46:46,238 --> 00:46:52,505
signing off my life to yet
another loser
and going down the spiral,
770
00:46:53,593 --> 00:46:57,815
coming out like a peach,
consumed and digested,
771
00:47:00,469 --> 00:47:03,559
I should just turn on porn.
772
00:47:03,603 --> 00:47:06,649
But no matter how much
improvement I think I make,
773
00:47:06,693 --> 00:47:10,697
my appreciation for angry
fucking
remains the same.
774
00:47:10,740 --> 00:47:13,613
[Audience laughs]
Nothing tops that.
775
00:47:13,656 --> 00:47:17,356
Angry fucking is the ultimate
proof of love,
776
00:47:17,747 --> 00:47:22,274
because unless he loves you,
he won't angry-fuck you.
777
00:47:22,317 --> 00:47:24,406
[Audience laughs]
778
00:47:25,494 --> 00:47:28,323
Sometimes when I need
the confirmation...
779
00:47:28,367 --> 00:47:30,804
and you really got to get under
his skin,
780
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,416
cuz you only got
one spear to throw.
781
00:47:35,417 --> 00:47:37,680
Otherwise, it's called nagging
782
00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:42,381
and you know what happens
to women who nag... [Audience
laughs]
783
00:47:42,424 --> 00:47:44,209
not sexy.
784
00:47:44,252 --> 00:47:49,301
Those women who try to
cunt-roll...
[Audience laughs]
785
00:47:49,344 --> 00:47:53,348
What is sexy is telling the truth.
[Applause]
786
00:47:53,653 --> 00:47:56,047
Always go for a true fact.
787
00:47:56,786 --> 00:48:01,748
If you love your man and he
loves you back, everything could
be overcome.
788
00:48:02,357 --> 00:48:08,537
So guys, please remember that
nothing
boosts a woman's confidence
789
00:48:08,581 --> 00:48:11,845
like eating her ass.
[Audience laughs]
790
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:15,631
There were 23 cons and one pro
791
00:48:15,675 --> 00:48:18,547
to the last guy I was seeing.
792
00:48:18,591 --> 00:48:21,028
And he only stuck around because
793
00:48:21,072 --> 00:48:24,553
he was so... extremely anal
794
00:48:25,250 --> 00:48:28,557
and that was the healing
I needed to move on
795
00:48:28,601 --> 00:48:32,692
from my anal stage.
[Audience applause]
796
00:48:34,694 --> 00:48:36,478
Janochka.
797
00:48:39,351 --> 00:48:42,354
I can't imagine ever
being married again.
798
00:48:42,876 --> 00:48:47,141
Marriage - very good,
but no more than three times.
799
00:48:47,185 --> 00:48:49,883
You know, in old Soviet, no divorce.
800
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:52,451
You just have to keep
marrying over and over.
801
00:48:53,017 --> 00:48:55,106
But you support marriage?
802
00:48:55,976 --> 00:48:57,847
I support ex-wives.
803
00:48:57,891 --> 00:49:00,981
Ok. Show me your skeleton.
804
00:49:01,025 --> 00:49:03,766
The Skeleton? It'’s a Soviet Skeleton.
805
00:49:04,724 --> 00:49:07,074
Come on, let'’s go I show you.
806
00:49:07,335 --> 00:49:11,513
[Humming]
807
00:49:15,474 --> 00:49:19,826
Come look, look! Soviet
Skeleton!
808
00:49:25,353 --> 00:49:28,574
It's my new... My new doll.
809
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:35,494
Wow!
810
00:49:35,537 --> 00:49:38,845
Blow, blow, blow up girls
till they're nice and plump.
811
00:49:38,888 --> 00:49:42,762
Some don't want to be blown
then I try to pump.
812
00:49:42,805 --> 00:49:44,416
[Shower running]
813
00:49:44,459 --> 00:49:47,636
[Treadmill sound] Sip, sip, sip
my vodka, tastes so very good,
814
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:51,727
I'’d go back to old Ukraine
if I only could.
815
00:49:51,771 --> 00:49:54,774
[Ukrainian song]