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-ANNOUNCER: Start clapping your hands right now, -[CROWD CHEERING]
doing it all day, now waiting for nobody, that's my baby.
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Fatimah Taliah...
[ALL CHEERING]
-FATIMAH: Yeah! -[APPLAUSE]
A bitch did it, okay.
Okay.
I'm not going to lie. this shit was hard as hell.
[LAUGHING]
This is the first time I've ever been excited to stand in front of a negative ass crowd.
-Okay? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I never thought I'd say that, but I'm like,
Oh shit, everybody in this motherfucking negative's in the motherfucker.
I will say that it's been a hell of a year, right?
All the comments I saw today, we was all like, "This is my first time
being outside, doing comedy," that's like it's crazy for us to do that,
but I was like this first time everybody was able to do that shit and...
It's dope, but it's been a year we've been trapped in the house, huh?
Oh, my God.
I got trapped in with myself. Anybody got trapped in with they selves,
and be like, "God damn, I hate me!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I wish this bitch would leave.
Just go! [LAUGHS]
Tired of yourself like, I...
Quarantine with some bullshit, wasn't it? They letting us turn up
and they was like you gotta go home and look at yourself.
[LAUGHING]
It's funny because, like you think about that shit,
while you're in quarantine, I'm a mess, gotta get my shit together.
But there ain't shit like being in quarantine and being single, though,
Nigga...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's what you really spill it. You like, Oh...
You won't feel it when you out because there's like options.
When you were inside, and it's just you you like, " I don't have much porn."
I don't even love me as much.
Oh, my God. This was a year, man.
I think it was good, though, because I feel like this was the year...
when not only did we get to see ourselves,
but we got to see this fucking country.
Whoa nigga,
it's the first time I ever really paid this close to the president.
But I liked it, don't know why. Don't tell nobody I said this but it was crazy.
I ain't never seen a president this motherfucking cool in my life.
I was like, this is the real, this nigga running the country like a real nigga.
He running the country exactly like everybody thought Obama was going to do it.
Everybody thought Obama was gonna be a real nigga. It was a white man
with a fucked up wig.
He showed up and ran the country like a real nigga.
He running the country like Soulja Boy.
I didn't know what to do
with this shit, like, but you see it close on, you like, damn, like,
Donald Trump come to fucking press conference wearing fucking basketball shorts.
He don't give a fuck. [CHUCKLES]
He come in scratching his head, with a fucking wave cap on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right, Mr. President. What do you think about the virus?
He's like, "Oh, shit, y'all niggas you still on that? Damn."
Move on!
I'm tired of this shit.
They like, "Sir, put your shirt back on."
He was like, "So many rules."
The fuck.
Never seen anybody run a country like this in my life.
They are like Sir, tell us, what do you think? What is the plan?
What are you gonna do with virus?
He was like, "Look, nigga, only 200 thousand people is dead, and it ain't that many.
-Come on! -[ALL LAUGHING]
Damn, why you all on my dick?
They like, "Sir, put your pants back on."
It like it's hot in here. Don't give me so many rules.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They ain't ready. I'm trying out here, you like, this is crazy. [LAUGHING]
Oh my God, like I never seen, like I grew up on the South Side of Chicago,
so I know pimps and Donald Trump...
-Yes. Come on now. -[CROWD CHEERING]
So I feel like this nigga talk to us like a pimp, don't he?
He come out like, Look baby, it is what it is but it ain't what it ain't.
I don't make it do what it do. You like,
"What? This is a country. This nigga's crazy."
Help us.
He talked to us like that. He talked slick to us every time...
We be like, sir, there's a virus, shit's not looking good
"Look babe, let me explain something to you."
Ain't everybody. Just slow your ass down and look in my eyes, it's gonna be all right.
I do what I can.
-So, y'all, I never... -[ALL LAUGHING]
I was like, I've seen this before.
This doesn't add up. [LAUGHING]
I never seen nobody be this aggressive on us like this,
like Donald Trump, the only president I've seen to blame us for the problems, we havin'.
He be like they soft, they weak.
We get forced to be by ourselves and watching Donald Trump made me
watch myself. A couple years back, I got arrested.
-Yes. -[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Watching Donald Trump being drunk like that, I was like, that's how I looked.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I got arrested and landed my ass in anger management...
Like anger management, okay.
And when I say it's weird, first of all, when you land in anger management,
you don't think nothing wrong with you,
When people say...
You know saying like, when you fucked up,
you don't know you fucked up. Nobody...
When you crazy you don't think you're crazy.
You just be like, look they don't understand me.
-[CHUCKLING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I had to take an intake test, for anger management.
And that's when I realized I was fucked up.
They ask you a couple questions before you enter the class, and the questions were, okay...
Out of every relationship you've been in,
how many physical altercations have you been a part of?
And I was like, that's a trick question, got to be. These niggas ain't shit.
First of all, they keep being like,
They lyin'. So, I answered and I was like, okay.
All of them.
I was like, that's all right, I got a question two, it's cool.
So I got to question two.
There was like, draw your anger from one to ten.
I just drew a knife. I was like, Oh, shit, baby, I'm crazy.
-I'm fucked up. [LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I end up in anger management and it was funny
because in anger management first thing you do when you go to anger management,
you size everybody up. Cause you know why the fuck you there.
You don't know why everybody else is there, but it was funny
because anger management was 45 and up.
Like nobody in my anger management looked like a gangster.
Everybody look like the preschool teacher
to some nigga, you run into at the post office.
It didn't add up. I was like, I know why the fuck I'm here,
but none of these people look gangster.
I was confused.
But the funny part was,
all the people at a anger management were having like you know, work issues...
Or one of the stories that stick out to me the most was this
65-year-old white lady, right?
She had all the potential to be the best librarian you've ever fucking seen.
Nothing about her said anger management to me at all.
When she told her story, I was like, okay, okay.
So it started out, they were like, "Carol, tell us why you here."
She was like, "Well, it all started with my neighbor's dog.
"It barked every day, so I decided to kidnap that motherfucker."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Take him to my house. Now look, I didn't do nothing bad to it.
"I fed them the motherfucker every day, I walked it, took care of it,
"but they put up signs saying it was missing,
"and I watched them put up those signs every day.
"And I said to myself, 'Look at those idiots,
"'they don't know that the dog's with me and it'll never bark again...'"
The whole time I'm like, "Oh, shit."
Carol was crazy as fuck, nigga.
I was like, I don't want to ever turn out like this 65-year-old lady.
I said if petty was a fucking product,
I mean, that's what it looks like at 65, like, I'm overly petty,
and I'm gonna make sure that I'm going to stop this dog.
At that point, I was like, "Oh, shit. I got to get my shit together."
Like that's when you realize, you don't want to be old petty bitch being like
"The dog was barking, motherfucker, I showed him, I taught him a lesson."
You're like, I'm not trying to be that, that ain't trying to be me.
And I realized I was getting older, too.
As you get older, you be like I can't really be on stupid shit like...
I feel like I look young enough to be experimenting,
but too old to be like, nigga, you know better than that shit, like.
You know if somebody catch you being, like, that's wild what you did,
but you like they look at your ID and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
You shouldn't be here.
That's the type of age I'm at. where it looks okay
until you check my ID and then you're like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I realized I was at that age, man, like,
I'm in my thirties now, and I feel like, in your thirties,
everything looks different right, like...
[EXHALES]
In your twenties, you don't give a fuck. You just having a good time.
And in your thirties, it feels like you walk into an attic,
You turn on the light like... [VOCALIZING]
And you see all the boxes like God damn! I've been fucking up! Shit!
You see all this shit right behind you, like, God! What... Oh nigga.
You realize it ain't looking good, like it just look bad,
in your thirties. It's not... It's not the game.
I know everybody's always like Black women don't age, It's true.
I'm in my thirties, I'm like, on the cuff of being 40.
Doesn't look like it though, right?
Right, this is the weird shit.
-Yes. -[ALL CHEERING]
We didn't even get to do shit to our face. That's the fucked up part, it sucks.
'Cause like you wake up every day thinking you 20.
But you really get the knees of a 40-year-old bitch, and it's just...
It ain't the same, you being in the mirror like, "Shit, I still got it."
You milly rock and blow out your whole damn shoulder. You like...
You can go down for TikTok in your thirties, bitch.
Friends be like, "Where you been bitch?" "Uh, got into a TikTok challenge."
-"Gotta sit out for a couple weeks." -[ALL LAUGHING]
It's true when you get older, it don't hit you the same,
as a Black woman. You know, like we age slower, you know.
You wake up every day, you got the same face.
You look at yourself, you move the same...
And then you realize,
you can't go for runs. You just can't take off. Your knees be like,
bitch, say go or something.
You just can't leave, you got to say one, two, three you just can't
take off. [LAUGHS]
-You blow out an ankle or something. -[ALL LAUGHING]
It's ridiculous. [LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I knew I was old young
when...
I did a pre-game with some of my friends in our thirties.
If anybody know what pre-game is, that's when we use to party before the party.
That's how you find out you old, bitch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] [WHISTLING]
This sounds crazy to me out loud.
Honestly, like when you go, "We going go drink before the party
and have more drinks." You like, what the fuck is wrong with us?
We don't love ourselves.
That's crazy. [LAUGHING]
Like back in the day, that seemed like a fun ass idea
but now you like bitch, I don't know.
You bitches got low self-esteem.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]
That's true. I realized I was old as fuck, I was back home
in Chicago,
-last year, and it was my birthday, -[WHISTLING]
and me and my friends decided to do a pre-game, before we went out, and...
let me tell you, we should have never done that.
We were a cool group, I... I come from
a really great group of friends. Where we like are cool girls, you know,
like, I don't know how y'all are, but my friends were like,
girls that never stand in line.
We always had a dude in a party who would buy a bottle for us type shit.
We those type of bitches that would walk up to the rope like, hey how's it's going?
So we were cool bitches.
But like in your thirties, the clique don't look like that no more. Like they...
[CHUCKLES] We weren't none of that.
We had a little pregame.
Then it was like, cold in Chicago too, so it was like...
You know, in Chicago, you can get shot by the wind,
like the wind's like "pop pop."
So it's... [CHUCKLES]
So we had a little pre-game, and we went out to one club and tried to party.
We went out for one night, my homegirl slipped on ice and she was like go on without me!
-I'm like, bitch, just stand up. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Just get up.
She was like, just leave, go on without me, she fell like
she fell into the night, like, that was...
the end of it for her. I think.
Her facial expressions said, "this is my way out."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't want to do this shit no more.
We get to the party,
finally get to the party my homegirl fall asleep at the bar.
Some nigga put a blanket over her back, I say, "Oh damn, look at us!"
We tired. [ALL CHUCKLING]
We sleepy, It was only 9:30 and we weren't making it, It wasn't going well.
-[ALL LAUGHING] -[CROWD CHEERING]
One of my friends texted me on the way to the bathroom,
like, "Yeah bitch, happy birthday,
"I got tired on the way to the bathroom," you like
"The fuck?"
-We're a mess. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're a mess, one of my friends get lost in the club
Took him an hour to find us. Said, "I think I'm fucked up.
"I couldn't even see y'all," I was like, oh damn.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CHUCKLES]
I knew that was over for us after that. That...
You know it's bad when you come outside looking for your Uber, putting
on your glasses, like "Jose?"
-Jose! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He look at you, like, "This old bitch, let me take her home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It was over. [LAUGHING]
Thirties is the worst. I swear to God, it is.
During quarantine,
you know, you realize certain shit, like I realized
during quarantine, I would think like, you know you single,
but you don't feel it until you like, it's just you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And like that, they like, yeah you can't even really date now, so...
Here you go. [LAUGHS]
You're like, oh, wow, like...
In your thirties, you start feeling like,
I'm single. It's me! God damn it, it is my fault...
-It's rough. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
For real though, like...
Seriously, like coming back from a bad date
in your thirties is like... Anybody seen Boyz n the Hood?
I mean, where Tre came home when his man Ricky died.
That's what you come home on a bad day in your thirties.
-[VOCALIZING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You damn near slide down a wall, like "God Jesus, what the fuck..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -All of a sudden, you hear in the background
♪ Good times Anytime you separate ♪
That how it feels. [LAUGHING]
It's fucked up, you know, you like, I hate this town.
Stupid.
You immediately realize like the reason why you're single is your fucking fault, like...
And I realized I had daddy issues.
A lot of people think the daddy issues for women is when you just go crazy,
you start sucking dick, and you just be like, I'm mad.
-Ahhh! [LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or you just be a porn star or some shit.
No, like, I don't know how it is for everybody,
but for me, daddy issues was like, I'm a next week type of nigga.
You know, Black kids that ain't got daddies, you sitting on the porch,
that nigga be like, next week we gotta be back.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Uh huh, let you next week. [LAUGHS]
You get the next week nigga complex.
So, I can't commit to shit, like...
He laughing, cause he knows. [LAUGHING]
It's a lot of white faces. They like, our daddies ain't never left us on the porch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The fuck is that?
Yeah, Black kids know about next week niggin'.
Yeah, I like, and that's the thing, you learn.
I learned that shit in quarantine that I had next week nigga complex.
I was like, I can't commit to shit, because I'm used to being like,
I'll do it next weekend, like.
And Black people have like, layaway, so we used to be in like, hmm...
I'll have money next week... [LAUGHS]
We don't commit to nothing.
And I been like, like being single is like God looking at me being like...
"Uh, I gave you so many tries, bitch."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know.
But it's like, and then, like at a certain point, being single in your thirties
too, like, I feel like it's karma.
Like God is definitely fuckin' with me like
when you're on a date now past 35, that's karma.
You not really gonna find nobody.
You just swiping past every motherfucker that's going to fuck up your life.
-Ain't nobody gonna be good. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's like being on Wheel of Fortune.
Just... [VOCALIZING]
"Come on down, Darnell In between things!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Every nigga is in between things in your life.
I talk to my mom about how dating sucks.
And she says, you gotta pray about it, you just gotta be patient and pray.
I'm like, look, you want me to pray to God about no shit like this.
'Cause if I pray to God about this shit, I'm like, all right, dear God...
Oh God, I'll beat your ass...
If you own God, like that's serious.
But you be mad, like, catch me outside, God, if you send me a motherfucking fuckboy again.
Man... [LAUGHING]
Oh man, but it's true though, I feel like my mom was always like, pray about it.
She's always like, you know,
take your time, it's going to get there, I'm like, you don't understand.
Like "take your time?" like,
I'm taking my time, they keep sent me the wrong nigga every time!
Ahh... Like you be mad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
God going to be like, if you use my name in vain again, another fuckboy, bitch! Like what do...
-Oh, my God. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh my God.
Like, I hate my mom say that because I be like, He don't want to hear from me.
Not right now. He don't, no.
'Cause I'm like, "Catch me outside, God. What you trying to do?"
-Like, um, like... [LAUGHING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Imagine, if you could really get with God, like if you could like, "Yo,
"yeah, nigga."
-So, yeah, I don't know... -[MAN LAUGHING]
What the fuck you thought was last Saturday,
but with the fuck nigga? I've been out here praying, like you...
This what you doing? Like.
That's how I feel about that shit. when my mom say that, it's like bitch.
But she's always, like, you know, you gotta date older.
So I date older, you know, like you get somebody mature.
Fuck you mean? Like...
Uh, that's why you know your mom. Oh, you know, like first of all,
Young niggas can still be molded,
it's just like rescue dogs
when you dating older, like,
nobody goes to the kennel and be like,
-"Let me get the oldest dog you got." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's the way. Like, nobody says that shit.
When you date younger, it's still a chance.
It's still a chance for him to like be something different.
Like, you catch him older, that's it, bitch.
That's him, like...
Ain't no changing him. I feel like
I always attract fuckboys.
So, I'm gonna get a senile fuckboy.
Like he gonna see-- He don't have a good eye but he's gonna see the hoes out the good one.
He can't hear me but he can hear the hoes, like.
That breath he wake up with, it's struggle.
It smell like ol'
struggle breath, it's exactly what it is.
You not gonna get no more than what the nigga is.
Old niggas are like dating Weekend At Bernie's.
He tired. You better get with him between four and 10 pm.
Or he is knocked the fuck out.
You gotta carry him around the whole relationship. Take pictures in different places.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Say, "Who wants this?"
This is a-- I mean, he respectful. He can definitely fix the tire.
He gonna say, "Mm, mm, mm, mm"
at everything you do, but...
He gonna sleep through the rest of it.
It's not what you need.
No.
Like, why are you doing this to me?
I want a relationship bad though. I feel like I do,
and I'm at that age now though,
I'm at that age where I'm,
I've been out enough, I've done all this shit, I'm ready to just
come home and like watch a movie and like
fart and shit and be like happy.
After a while, you be like I wanna be me, nigga, fuck it, what you wanna do?
And I want that. I was telling
my mom about that, and she said you got to be patient
and whatever 'cause my grandparents
were together for 51 years.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Fifty-one years. So, I know what it's like to be part of a relationship
you hear what I'm saying?
Fifty-one years, you can't stand this nigga.
Okay, like, 51 years. I want that kind of hate.
Like, I want that kind of hate where we'll be like, "Fuck you!" and we still there.
Like, 51 years is like, uh,
they have to build another house
in my grandparents... like,
my grandfather used to hang out in the back porch.
My grandmother had that built 'cause she was like
if we gonna stay together I've gotta have another house to let this nigga in.
But every time he was back there as kids we knew that,
yeah, this nigga was fucking up. But I want that kind of love.
Like, I want that love where it's just like we hate the fuck out of each other
but we still doing this. Like, you ain't given up.
Like, we don't do that now. Don't anybody do that now.
Like, everybody will be like, "You know what, that nigga eating too fast. It's over."
Smacking and shit, I'm not gonna be able to deal.
Like, my grandmother did 51 years of one ni--
Can you ima-- I mean, I get sick of niggas in two weeks.
Fifty-one years, I just know,
I know she probably had a knife over his head,
a lot of knives and just
prayed over it and stopped.
I want that kind of love.
But I was thinking to myself, like, how can I get that kind of love,
because it's like when my grandfather told me how he,
like, persuaded my grandmother to be with him,
I was like, "Man, I can never have that now."
Like, he was like, "Yo, when I saw your grandmother, man, I like, met her every day.
"Every day outside of her job
"I came and was like, yo, you beautiful, let me get you flowers."
Every day, he was like, I came out everyday.
She kept passing me by and I was like, "I love you,
like you beautiful, like I wanna be with you."
I'm thinking like, if a motherfucker did that now,
I would call the fucking police!
Are you kidding me? Like, if a motherfucker met you every day
outside your job with flowers, like, "You beautiful." you like, um, 911 this nigga's crazy.
It's simple. Like, you do that now, you be walking down the street somebody,
"Hey beautiful, smile." Nigga fuck you!
You don't know me.
Like, we... Women ain't set up like that no more.
We ain't set up for flowers and
following us down the street. Now you, like,
"911, what's your emergency?"
"This nigga said I'm beautiful.
"I'm so scared, he got flowers." They like, "Do they have a weapon?"
"Yes, they have stems, it's crazy."
Like, I'd never would get that. That's crazy.
Can you imagine that shit? I couldn't even, like,
I was thinking like,
there's no way in hell
that the way that men treated women back in the day, could happen now.
Like, women think everything is fucking crazy, don't we?
Yeah, you be in the store. He'll be like, "Hey beautiful."
Oh, my God!
Wow. Like, sir, back up, like,
you don't need to tell me that. Like, we hate everything, don't we?
I couldn't imagine walking to work everyday having the same dude meeting me like,
"Hey, beautiful." Oh, my gosh, sir.
The restraining order is real, like...
You gotta get out of here.
Ain't no ways you gonna find a husband that way.
Oh, my God.
But, I mean, being
in quarantine alone too, you just like, you faced with yourself.
And sometimes you gotta look at yourself and I know most of us
was like in the beginning you're like
"I think I hate myself, what the fuck?"
Now getting to know yourself is hard.
Like once you do, you're looking at the mirror like, "Man, if this bitch don't leave.
I'm so sick of her mouth." I had a point in quarantine where I was like,
"You know what, I'm sick of me.
I'm not really fucking with her. I need her to go. She's dumb."
After a while you're like, "Wow, you're lame."
Like, I was... I hated on myself real hard for like a couple of months.
For a few months I was like, "Oh, wow, you extra...I see why the nigga left."
[SIGHS]
I mean that's the only way to get better though, right? They say...
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, man.
I talked to my mother a lot.
I'm one of those girls that talk to my mom all the time, like,
dudes always think it's weird.
Like a lot of men
are always like, "Yo, you talk to your mother all the time."
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a mommas... I'm a mom's girl."
You know my moth-- that's my homie. We talk about shit.
But like I said,
through quarantine I've been getting to know myself and like
and talking to my mother has really made me feel like
I'm moving too fast.
When you talk to older people, I dunno if you realize this shit,
they tell you every fucking detail of their day.
That shit had you been like, I'm doing too much, when I talk to my mother
she's like, "Well, I
"woke up this morning and I had a cup of coffee and I looked out the window and saw three birds.
"I looked at the birds, the birds were chirping they looked at me.
"I went in the kitchen and my side started hurting and I said, 'Ow, my side was hurting.'
"I grabbed some Tylenol, I took some Tylenol.
"After I took the Tylenol I had a cup of cheese.
"Some cheese was in my hand, I spoke to your aunty.
"She said, 'Do you want to go to Walmart?' I said, 'Yeah.'
"After that the cat meowed, I petted the cat.
"I went in the room and said, 'I need a nap.'"
You like, "God damn, she looking at the world clearer than a motherfucker." Like,
I ain't never been that detailed in my life.
I was like, "If I painted my shit it would look different."
I'd be like, "Well, I woke up in the morning, I smoked a blunt and was depressed.
"I looked out the window and I was still single and there was no birds
"because the homeless people scared 'em away.
"After that I checked my bank account it was still negative 23,
"I don't know what my finances is looking like and you know,
"Darnell was too old and he doesn't remember I'm there."
Like, damn, like you don't even, like, you like, "Shit, I need to look at life different, right?"
Ridiculous but my mom is so cute how she like looks at life, like every fucking detail.
It made me slow down.
I realized
that in L.A. being single, you're like, "Fuck it, I could just get a dog and be happy."
Like out here you don't really need people, you don't need humans.
Like, everywhere you go, like, out in L.A.
I notice, like I said in quarantine you are very observant.
I feel like there ain't no kids in L.A.
Everybody just get married and be like, "We got a rescue." Like, nobody,
nobody fucks with kids out here.
All my friends are in Chicago, they're like
"We're getting married, we having a kid." Nobody's having kids here in L.A.
They're just getting dogs. And it's funny to me 'cause I want a dog
but I can't really understand why I do 'cause where I grew up.
I grew up in the south of Chicago and dogs to us--
Black people and dogs ain't like how y'all do 'em out here.
Black people and dogs. Like, to us, from--
It's funny to me. 'Cause now, when I see a dog, I'm like,
"Hey, buddy,
"wow.
Oh, my God, is it a rescue?" And people are like, "Yeah, we just got it."
But, like, the way I grew up, when you see dogs
we'll be like, "Oh, shit." We just
run and try to find the closest
car to jump on.
So, I know I'm fucked up from living here.
It's weird, 'cause like now, like, I see dogs
at the park all the time and I'm not scared. But in my old life, we just,
soon as you see-- like it don't even matter it could be a poodle used to be everybody just run.
It's funny, like, when I was growing up, like, dogs
for Black people, like you would go to their house
and if they had a dog
they would say, "Hold on, let me put my dog in a room."
No one has a regular dog just running around the crib.
You gotta put that nigga up,
around your friends.
And we were like growing up,
it was funny, it was me, my brother and my younger cousin.
We was in the back yard doing regular kid shit,
playing ball, right?
It was my cousin's dog.
We playing the ball and shit.
Kicking the ball, everybody happy.
All of a sudden, the ball go by the dog.
Granted, this this nigga dog,
it's his family dog. But, everybody like,
"Man, I'm not getting no God damn ball.
"I'm not gonna get it."
The dog looked at us like, "Y'all don't want this motherfucking ball?"
He looked at us like... "What y'all trying to do, son?
Y'all trying to get this ball?
We looked at each other like, "Uh..."
Like my cousin was like, "If I jump off the fence,
"land on the motherfucking tire,
"get over by the ball, we good."
I was like, "I dunno, dawg, that seems dangerous like a motherfucker. You crazy."
We did this shit for 20 minutes together,
Finally,
my cousin ran over there, grabbed the ball. His own dog jumped up and was like,
[BARKS] ate up this whole nigga armpit, we was like, "Oh, shit!
Nigga, run! Go!"
That was the end of that. The game was over.
Funny thing is Black parents will beat yo ass for that.
We got whoopings for that. We went in the house and they was
like, "Why y'all outside getting bit?"
Black moms be like, "That's what's your problem, you're always doing too much."
My God.
It was also a tough year for white women. Damn!
Somebody got to say it, I'm gonna say it for you guys. Shit!
2020 wasn't the year for white women, huh?
God damn! I ain't never seen this much sadness in y'all. Like, I know
they got Black girl magic I wanted to start a campaign for y'all.
I dunno what to call it, but I want to give out hugs.
'Cause they started a whole goddamn page called,
"Karens Gone Wild." How the fuck?
I was like, "How? Like, how the fuck is there this many angry white bitches
"that didn't know they was angry?"
'Cause that's what it looks like. I went to college with a lot of white girls.
You know how women have to have a pap smear every year?
I thought we should come up with the Karen smear.
Check you bitches out, make sure you good.
'Cause I feel like this shit's getting out of hand. It's getting crazy.
I knew it was nuts when it was like... First of all
when the first Karen came out
it was when they were like, "Oh,"
they were mad.
This woman was mad that there was a Black guy birdwatching.
First off, I was like, "I'm mad too. What the fuck is this Black man doing
"birdwatching in a forest preserve? It don't add up. Nothing about it adds up."
But she was pissed off.
But I knew she was mad because white women love their dogs.
I ain't never seen anybody be like, "I'm gonna tell them
"that you're African American choking the fuck out of our dog.
The dog was like, "Cool, bitch. Tell 'em whatever you want. Just let me go."
I was like, "Wow.
"She lost her shit, right?"
Sounds like if we do a Karen smear, I feel like you gotta start checking
white bitches who they fucked up like, I'm sorry Stephanie, we found a couple
of Karen in your blood, we gotta run some tests.
She's like, "Oh, my God. What?"
And you have to take a few tests. You know, you have to take a little
like a Black people multiple choice.
If you're in a forest preserve and there's someone
looking at a bird, what would you do?
Would you mind your business and just leave?
Would you go to your car? Or would you choke the shit out of your dog
and call the police?
If she says that, it's like, "Bitch."
They should have it on her resume. She couldn't get a job, like...
"Oh, looks like you have a couple of Karen situations going on.
"We ain't gonna be able to hire your Black ass."
And white people turn protests into festivals.
It was Coachella 2020, like every--
They have food trucks and shit. I said, "They know how to protest, nigga."
We've been doing this shit for years and it never looked like this.
You see the old pictures from back in the day, we was getting bit by dogs.
Niggas was posing like, "Ah!"
It looked bad.
The new pictures for the 2020 are gonna look good as hell. Ain't that? We gonna be hugging,
with mask on. Niggas gonna be... have a taco in their hand I was like,
"Protest 2020 looks amazing."
History looking good this year, ain't it?
Yo fro going to be out there.
They gonna be like, "Damn, that bitch was bad.
You gonna be in Fashion 2020 Vogueprotest now.
It's...
I feel like every protest I went to, they had like a... We did the Electric Slide.
I ain't never felt so good after being so sad.
I said thanks to the whites, this shit looks amazing.
Now after being, I feel like, you know quarantine. Like, seeing our president
and taking the time to see ourselves, it's just like,
what? Like, you see everything, right?
And the sad part of it is that everybody hate Trump.
Everybody hate what's going on, but at the end of the day
we all gotta see where we're coming from. Like, the perspective of shit.
And everything has to go dark,
in order for it to get light,
at the end of the day, right?
'Cause I had to get arrested to get better,
I had to realize I was an old bitch drunk
to get better.
But we gotta realize
that you had to get a shitty president
to realize the shit is fucked up.
And that's the only way it's gonna get better.
So, to me I feel like this year was really just us trying to clean up the shit
that was already going down, right?
We can only get better together, right?
All right, y'all. Thank you so much. Good night!
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much, I appreciate everybody coming, man.
This has been...
I can't...
Yeah!
Whoo!
Hey! Fatimah!
Congratulations, girl!
Yeah, hear you shooting your half hour, baby.
Hey, making sure you eat something before you do the show, baby.
You looking a little thin.
I'm just kidding.
[LAUGHS]
Shit.
Time to get that girl some canned goods.
She look broke.
Hey, we out here, baby. All day.