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- Oh, geeze.
- What's this one called?
- I lost my (indistinct).
- Ridiculous.
(group laughs)
- We're healthy, but we're desperately unhappy.
- Right, okay.
- Orlando, are you going to do it?
- I guess. Oh yeah.
- We must do our exercises.
- Oh shoot.
What's this called?
- Stretching the muscles.
- Stretching the muscles, okay great.
Oh yeah, this is good, really important.
- Now you have to sit down again, sorry.
- Okay, sorry, Helen, you got to go back down.
- I gotta sit down?
- Yes. - I just got up.
- Could you just say your name and how old you are?
Ziggy Susser 71.
- Barbara Bova 72, soon to be 73.
- My name's Alix Elias.
- And Richard Marshall.
She tells, she says to me-
- Don't tell your age.
- Don't tell anybody.
Don't tell your age.
- Tom Padovano 66.
- Helaine Witt.
My age? 71.
- [Jo] 71. - And a half.
- Oh? - In the few months.
Like a kindergartner.
- You could say, generally speaking.
- Yeah, generally speaking.
- Generally speaking, a hundred.
- My name is Evana Lewis and I am 73 years old.
- My name is Teresa Hommel and I'm 76.
- And you are, you're wearing a mask.
- I'm wearing three masks.
- Hi, I'm Helen Yalof and I am, ew, 86 years old.
- My name is Nicki Cochrane.
My date of birth is May 10th, 1938.
- My name is Bill Burke and I'm 68 years old.
- Will you tell me your name and if you want to,
you could tell me how old you are.
(laughs)
- I'm Rebecca Dole, I'm 75.
- I'm Orlando Dole, not 75.
- Lynne Fetch, I will be 71.
And I'm still playing singles.
How do you like them apples?
- Oh, I'm Bibi Elvers.
And am I comfortable saying my age?
Of course, I'm proud of it.
I'm 88 and a half and going strong.
- So this is pretty much like
the comedy workshop we do on Zoom
but it's going to be in person.
And we're gonna do some exercises to get material going
and then we'll do a show in four days.
No big deal.
We're going to do a quick just a roundup of ideas
for what's the worst thing to have on a T-shirt?
Bill. - Cream cheese.
- I love me, not you.
- A naked baby on a T-shirt trying to wee wee.
- What? A naked baby on a T-shirt trying to shoot?
- Holding his little wee-wee. (laughs)
- [Jo] Yeah, that's a really bad T-shirt.
- I saw this T-shirt yesterday
Eat pussy, it's organic.
- I couldn't hear. What was it?
- Eat pussy, it's organic.
- Eat what?
- [Group] Pussy.
- Come on Barbara, make her say it again.
(group laughs)
Everybody make her say it again.
- [Jo] Did you have you done like
performing arts or anything? - No.
- So, what got you to sign up for the class?
- Oh, I saw that and I said right away,
"I just, I would love to do that".
- And you've never done it before?
- No. In elementary school I was always the one
who like laughed and said funny things.
Got in trouble for laughing all the time.
Once the teacher wrote "giggles"
on my report card or whatever.
- So, what do you like about the comedy class?
- I just like that we're all together.
We all contribute.
It's just fantastic.
Sometimes I am so awed by the answers that people give.
Really, they're fantastic.
I love those bar jokes, oh God.
- Who do you think would play you in a movie?
- (laughs) Oh, you know who just came into my mind?
I don't know if it was because I thought of it
or I just got it, Sandra Bullock.
She funny?
- So what does everybody prefer if you had the choice
food jokes or sex jokes?
- Food, did you say food? - Yeah.
- Food. - Okay.
- Sex. - [Jo] Okay.
- Food, - Food.
- Sex.
- [Jo] Orlando, you have not voted.
- No, I go for sex jokes.
- Barbara, you got one?
- I got one a quick one
and then I need help with the second.
Two peanuts were in a bar, one was a salted.
- One was a what? - A salted.
- Two penises? - Peanuts. Peanuts.
- So, the other one is that if you get lox in the morning,
a pop will freeze you at night.
Soda pop lox bagel in the morning freezer pop at night.
I told you it needs work.
- [Jo] (laughs) Okay.
Well. Anybody has any anything to add
about bagels and lox or freezer pops?
Oh well, I said, "I tried to push it up, to get the lip
"but it went back down".
- Oh that is good.
That's how it's supposed to be.
- Whoa.
- The cook made a cheeseburger.
I told him, "I needed a hamburger."
And he said, "Do something with the cheeseburger."
So, I threw it at him.
- Is that a glad to see me in your pocket?
- Making sex on a Sunday is a bad choice.
- Sex makes my hair curly.
- A good pastrami sandwich is as good as an orgasm.
- I worked for a few jobs,
but my biggest, longest job was a social security.
I was a claims representative.
I interviewed people to see if they qualified
for like an SSI program, things like that.
And the best, the best story I have from work is
that I interviewed a woman who told me she worked
at a Whole Foods and I said,
"I used to go to the one on Houston Street.
I loved their bread pudding."
And she said, "Oh my God, I made their bread pudding".
35 years at work and that's the most exciting thing
that ever happened to me.
Meeting a person who makes bread pudding at a Whole Foods.
- Why did you decide to take this comedy class?
- I've always been funny, like my whole life kind of,
but you know, never formally funny.
I would always crack people up,
make jokes with friends or whatnot, but I never pursued it.
Like I thought of it, but I was too scared, you know.
Like you really have to give up a lot to pursue it,
to really make a career of it and everything.
I used to have a dream to end up on TV, you know,
like the big thing, you know,
to be on the "Tonight Show"
blah, blah, blah.
Umm, now I know that it'll never happen.
You know, it it it's a fulfillment.
It's part of me that I can tap into now.
And it's great that I have that opportunity to do it.
- Alix, you got one?
Is it food or sex?
- Well, I was trying to do both,
but tomatoes having sex equals ketchup.
[group Laughs]
- Let's see, Lynn, you got one?
- Is this okay from when Mayor Lindsay was mayor?
That's when I heard it.
- I do have an encyclopedic memory for jokes.
Something will trigger it off
and it's just in the back in the Rolodex.
- So, do you know what joke about a cat?
- The one about the little boy goes to school and he's late.
So, the teacher says, "Why are you late?"
He says, "I stopped to look at a dead cat
by the side of the road".
She said, "Well, how'd, you know, it was dead?".
He says, "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move".
"You did what?"
"You know, I went psst and it didn't move".
- Dinosaurs.
- Two dinosaurs were on the edge of a cliff
and they see Noah's Ark sailing away with all the animals.
So, one says to the other, "Oh, is that today?".
- Can you tell me the dirtiest joke, you've heard?
- The man goes to the doctor for his annual physical.
And he says, "You know, you have to stop masturbating".
He goes, "Why?".
He says, "Cause I'm trying to examine you.".
(Jo Laughs)
- 30 wow. - Wow.
- For other ways to describe dog feces.
- Poodle noodles.
- [Jo] (laughs) Poodle noodles.
- Oh that's cute.
- Digestive ex-cremation.
- Pet extrusions?
- What to smell?
- Autumn color display.
- Think of something.
- Doggie gift?
- Doggie do do do.
- We met as children.
I was 12 and he was like 15. - 35.
(all laugh)
- Our fathers were friends.
- Our fathers were friends in college for God's sake.
- In college.
- Isn't that crazy?
- So, we both ended up being actors.
And Richard found out through his father.
- My father called me and said,
"Alix Elias is coming to New York to be an actress".
- Anyway we ended up briefly dating at the time.
Which was broken up by my evil roommate.
I won't tell that story.
- Don't tell that story.
- Bad story.
So, then we didn't see each other for about 25 or 30 years.
And then we ran into each other at Jefferson Market.
- Jefferson Market.
- And then so, he sneaked up behind me
in line and goosed me and I was so mad.
- She wouldn't talk to me.
- What is goosing?
- Well, we were standing in line
and she wouldn't talk to me I went plbh.
- And the next day we ran into each other on 5th Avenue,
right near where I live. - Right.
- And he burst into tears.
He was sobbing on 5th Avenue.
So, we have not been separated since.
It was kind of like--
- And everyday I sob.
It's like, same thing, you know?
She likes it and I don't care.
- [Jo] Who here's single?
Single.
Who here's married?
- We're married.
- I'm married but I'm kind of single.
(Alix laughs).
- Anyone have observations
about being single or being married?
What it's like?
Yeah what is being single like?
- It's you look at these guys and you say,
"Do I want a Anthony Hopkins type or do you want
a Harry Styles type?"
My father used to say, "I've been happily married
for 30 years. 30 out of 50 ain't bad."
- Any other observations
about being married or being single?
What it's like?
- Well, I was never any good at dating or anything like that
so I just um you know.
(phone ringing)
- [Jo] I think we have somebody's cell phone ringing.
- We have music here, coming?
- I hear that.
Is that me?
I think it's a hearing aid.
- [Jo] No, I think it's a cell phone, maybe.
- Oh, I hear it now.
- [Jo] We have a popular crowd.
- Rebecca.
- Who would you say laughs more between the two of you?
- I do.
(all laugh)
No sense of humor.
- That's what she's always laughing at everything.
Becky, there's nothing to laugh about, you know.
(Rebecca and Orlando laugh)
- Do you remember your first date?
- No. She needed someone to fix her...
Handyman to fix her- - A loft bed.
- You know, eventually he fixed it.
And he told me a joke and it made me laugh.
And that's when I fell in love with him.(laughs)
- Do you remember the joke?
- He said, you know, "Was I still doing acting?"
And I said, "Yeah, sometimes."
And he said, "Well, you know, I go to auditions,
"but you know, they say, you know, you're too tall,
"you're too short, you're too fat, you're too thin.
"But what they really mean is you're too old."
(Jo laughs)
I started laughing.
We looked into each other's eyes and that was it.
- I'm just going to say words.
And you just say whether it's funny or not funny.
By itself, okay?
Ready?
Peanuts.
- [Group] Funny. - And salt.
- Okay, how about treadmills?
- Not at all.
- Very serious.
- Gerbils?
- Definitely funny. - Gerbils?
- [Jo] Gerbils are funny?
- With Richard Gere.
I'm sorry. I can't help it.
- How about band-aids?
- I loved them when I was a kid.
I used to put them on all the time, I loved them.
Really did.
- And they were hilarious.
- Pumpkins?
- I don't think so.
- Pumpkin's are not funny?
- Neutral. - Pumpkins are neutral.
- Neutral, yeah.
- Okay what about ghosts?
- Goats? - Yes.
- Goats. - Ghosts.
- Goats. - Oh the greatest of all time.
No, no ghosts.
- Goats G-O-A-T-S?
- No ghosts.
- Goats are funny.
- Honey, have you seen my goat?
- Okay, how about milk.
Is milk funny?
- Milk is white.
- I think what we're going to do right now is
now, that you have your pen and paper,
you're gonna write down three to five things
that you think about every day.
Tequila, do you have a list of things you're thinking about?
- Do I get up now?
Then do I go to the diet app on my phone?
And the only other thing I can think of is
do I kill those roaches with a sponge or my hand?
(group moans)
- So, you are, you are still working as a reporter?
- Yep. - And a photographer?
- Yeah, I am.
- It's important to note that you are,
I would say somewhat New York famous.
- No. - [Jo] Yes.
- No. - Yes.
- In a very small circle.
A very minute.
- My dog Walker said, "You know, Tequila Minsky?"
- But she doesn't know me.
She just saw my byline.
- That's fame.
(Tequila laughs)
You're famous.
- Renown, but not quite famous.
- Do you have a plan for the show?
- You know gripes.
You have gripes?
- Is my name Tequila Minsky?
Well, life is a performance, but to be on this stage.
This is the stage?
I don't, the performing doesn't bother me.
It's like the material, having good material,
my own good material that's what makes me extremely anxious.
- Barbara what are your things you think about?
- I have walk Morgan, study, monkey yo-yo on YouTube,
I love him and his family. Eating food
and feeling only good.
- Okay, how about you Nicki?
- Every day I watch the colossal failure of our world
become more and more irreparable.
Every day, I wonder why ignorance rather
than its opposite is on the increase.
Every day, I lose all hope for mankind.
- Wow.
Every day, I wonder when the world, as we know it, will end.
- Thank you, Nicki.
Thank you.
(group laughs)
- Quite uplifting.
- That's great, thank you.
- I love comedy.
It is a true gift.
I think it's like taking medicine for your health.
- What's the end goal?
Do you want to make theater?
Do you want to make comedy?
- I just want to learn.
I thrive on edification.
I have to learn a hundred new things every day.
- You had mentioned that comedy is a gift.
- Oh, absolute a gift.
I know now, I know it sounds strange
because I don't believe in rel...
I would like to abolish all religions from the world
and all gender from the...
I think gender is such a terrible concept
and it creates so much harm.
And you know, I dunno this human impulse
to put us in boxes all the time.
Now the Nazis were famous for that.
By the way, I'm very, very obsessed with the Holocaust.
You can't believe that it actually happened.
You think that you're going to wake up
from this nightmare that it never happened.
Germany hasn't learned anything.
Do you know what they're doing in Germany, now?
- Nicki, I just I think the question -
- They're wiping out the hundred year old
thousand year old villages to make way for coal mines.
- It's awful.
But I think the question was if comedy is a gift.
- Oh yes it is, yes.
But I would like to be funny, but not in an artificial way.
You know, genuinely funny.
- I think that you are genuinely funny.
- You do? - [Jo] Yeah.
- Really? - [Jo] Yes.
- You're the first person who's ever told me that.
- Ziggy, what are your five things?
- Well, I'm obsessed with my bird.
So, where's the bird?
Look, I don't know where he is.
Does he have to poop?
Did he eat enough?
Does he want his head scratched?
You know, what's the bird doing?
- [Jo] How do you get the bird to poop?
- Well, I can tell when he's about to poop
cause he starts to back up.
So, I put my finger under his...
This is true.
I put my finger under his stomach,
he goes on my finger
and I put him on the edge of the little garbage pail.
And if he's facing the right way,
the poop falls in the garbage pail.
If he's not, it's outside.
But at least it's getting close.
- That's fantastic.
You have such contact with such a closeness with your bird.
- Okay, Bibi, how bout you?
What are you things, you think about?
- One of the things I think about is what time is it?
"Where did I put" is a constant thing, no matter what
because I'm a hoarder in my apartment.
It's beyond upside down.
I have stuff going back to report cards.
Hair that was removed from my head during
some surgery 30 years ago.
But I still have the hair.
- When do you find yourself looking for this stuff?
(Bibi laughs)
- So what do you think you're going to do for the show?
- I thought I might bring
a very limited number of actual items
that I was telling you about.
My husband's knee bone
when he had his total knee replacement.
They're not supposed to give it to you,
but he was, he was one who would never let go.
He was lots of fun.
He should be in this class.
Well, he died two years ago.
But other than that, he should be
in your comedy workshop.
- What makes you laugh?
- Oh, just about anything.
Because I love to see the funny in things for myself.
- Do you just kind of...
You just see humor in every day?
- You know, you have to.
In some ways it's a survival strategy.
If you can't find humor in life, that's very sad.
And you have been just great.
And I envy your grandparents to have somebody, I'm serious.
There's no decades between us,
even though there should be.
But the decades don't exist when you're here.
And there's so many things you don't know about me.
- Yeah?
- Spent many, many years working, on site, digging
for dinosaur bones and-- It's very serious stuff.
- I understand, I just did not hear...
I didn't expect you to say that.
So what else, what else do I not know about you?
- Mammoth bones too.
In South Dakota, there is a huge place
with lots of mammoth bones.
- So, what we're going to do is we're going to break
for lunch pretty soon.
But what I want you to do is,
so you have an assignment for this afternoon.
You have to write a three to four line poem that rhymes.
- On any subject?
- On any subject.
It can be maybe inspired by what we talked about today.
If you want to do it all
about grapefruits or intercourse or gerbils
but a three to four line poem.
- Gluten-free bagel,
anybody want half of a gluten-free bagel?
- I'll take half if you don't want it, thank you.
- And help yourself to bagels or coffee or.
Oh, you want just an egg.
- A ham sandwich walks into a bar
and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here".
The sandwich says, "Why not?".
"Cause didn't you see that sign on the door?
"We don't serve food".
(Jo laughs) Okay.
- Thank you, Teresa.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Beautiful. - But I didn't make it up.
- It's okay.
- But I did laugh for at least 20 minutes.
I'm very paranoid. - I understand.
It's okay.
- And I tape them because I don't want
any COVID sneaking in the side.
- Okay. Great.
And what, what inspired you to take the comedy class?
- I'm ready to laugh.
- So, you weren't ready to laugh until.
- Well, I have, I was very serious.
You know, I was very serious corporate trainer.
- Until when?
- Until the pandemic and I didn't have any work.
- Really?
You were very serious until the pandemic.
- Yeah.
And then I'm like, "Hey, let's have more fun here".
- And then you signed up for a comedy class?
- Immediately. Yes.
- And do you think that you have a goal with comedy?
- You know, I think people need to laugh more.
I think I need to laugh more.
I may be late, but it's not too late.
- And this is veggie cream cheese?
Oh, this is plain cream cheese.
- This is lactose free cream cheese.
- You're more inspired by Joan Rivers or...
- Yeah. - Joan Rivers?
Yeah, because I used to listen in the eighties
and channel her through me.
Like, I would think like her
and then I'd send jokes to her because she had an album.
- You'd send jokes to her?
She said them on Johnny Carson.
I have a video.
Of her telling two of my jokes. - Really?
- One bomb, she said it three times.
- In the eighties, there was a song by Olivia Newton John.
Let's get physical, physical.
So, she comes out and she goes, "Today is income tax day.
"And my accountant is dancing around the office singing,
"Let's get fiscal fiscal.", like fiscal year.
- Let's get fiscal.
Let's get fiscal fiscal.
And then she said it again.
- Let's get fiscal fiscal.
- And then she said that the third time.
- Let's get fiscal fiscal.
- She was angry that they weren't laughing loud enough.
More than that, she was just singing it three times.
I thought it was gonna be a hot joke.
- And what did you do before this?
- Well, I'm a retired teacher.
And now I dabble in stand up comedy.
- And what is your goal with comedy?
- You know what my goal is? - What?
- That I make people laugh.
What I want is just to be so funny.
- So, you've done comedy like for a long time.
What do you think was one of the greatest days of your life?
- Oh the day I got a pink envelope from Joan Rivers.
That was a thrill.
- What did it say?
- These are the jokes we're buying from you.
- How much did you get paid per joke?
- Only $10, but let me defend her.
Had to be brand new every day.
Should she give everybody so much money
for five or 10 minutes worth of material?
- How much money would you pay for a joke?
- Hmm. I don't know, Jo that's...
You're asking me really provocative challenging ques...
Larry King, you shouldn't know from this.
You should really hear Jo.
These are, I don't know.
I don't know.
Rest in peace.
How would you like to be in this head, Jo? (laughs)
- I've never eaten yogurt with a fork before
but there's no spoon.
- Let me get you a spoon.
- Okay, so are we ready?
Evana, would you like to share your poem?
- Sure.
- Standing in the dark shadow,
watching my reflection on the wall.
As I gazed on my shadow,
I thought, what a wonderful sight.
Maybe I imagined the reflection,
but to my surprise, I saw it again.
What a wonderful sight to see as I step outside of my shade,
I know it was great to be in that spot,
but to my acknowledgement,
it was reflection of my own self.
- Wow.
- Evana, where did this come from?
You wrote that in like 30 seconds.
What did you do before this, professionally?
- Okay, I work for the
New York City Human Resource Administration.
- So, what do you do when you're not in this class?
- I take a maybe about three or four classes a day on Zoom.
- Three or four? - Everyday.
- I take exercise, Tai-Chi, group session, yoga exercise.
And then, in the evening I be on prayer line with my church.
You know, I do ministry.
I preach. - You do?
- Yes I do, I do preach.
So, sometimes I maybe I'll sit down
and write a little sermon.
- Who makes you laugh?
- You know, depends on, it.
Could be anybody depends on what they say.
I love to laugh, you know because laughing is very good for you.
- What, what is your laugh sound like?
(Evana laughs)
- Oh a laugh that make you feel so good?
You know, it open up everything.
- And what would you say is your outlook on life?
- Well, my outlook is, I'm enjoying my retirement
and I love it.
I do what I want to do,
get up when I want to get up,
wear what I want to wear and I say what I want to say.
- Evana. I, I I'm sorry that she went first.
I'm sorry, but yeah, you really set the bar very high.
Okay. Bill.
- It gets easier now for everyone.
- Set the bar low.
- That bar was way up there,
we gotta bring it back down to earth.
- Thank you.
- There was a whale who never failed during a gale.
Wouldn't shut up about the holy grail.
(group laughs)
- Thank you, Bill.
What did you do professionally before this?
- Stagehand, I was a stagehand.
Local One stagehand.
- Did you do comedy before this class?
- No.
- Did you ever want to?
- Sure.
Yeah. It just never crossed my mind as a possibility.
And then you came along.
- And do you think like you have the same sense of humor
as most of the people in the class?
- I don't think we have the same sense of humor,
but different people in the class do crack me up
and are hilarious.
Bibi is one who, who is so dry
and if you're not paying attention, you're liable to miss it.
But I think she's hilarious.
- Does your wife think you're funny?
- The question's kind of broad.
(Jo laughs)
- But is she coming to the show?
- Yes.
- Are you nervous for the show?
- I'm scared to death.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- What are you scared of?
- Never having done this in front of a live audience before.
You're pretty vulnerable.
And you know, just telling the joke is one thing,
having them judge...
Now throw in the lions.
Yeah, okay.
- Ziggy, you got one?
- As I trickle, I hold my pickle.
I was circumcised with a sickle.
I hope you're not fickle.
- Okay, thank you so much.
Okay, let's see.
Nicki, you have one?
- Ode to my best friend, Esteemed iPhone 8,
ever present and ready to fulfill my limitless quest
for unquenchable edification.
All I can say in, grateful appreciation, is
forever Merci Beaucoup.
- And that was about your iPhone?
- Yes.
It's an ode to my iPhone, my best friend.
- Can we see it one more time?
- Oh, of course, I love it.
Richard.
- The Lord is my shepherd.
(group laughs)
No, that's not right, I'm sorry.
Today is hot and sweaty.
My girlfriend's name is Betty.
I'd like to get her clothes off, so she'd be cool and ready.
(group laughs)
So, you have some time, cause the show's on Friday,
- Friday? - Friday.
You have to do a three to four minute set.
- That's a long time.
- Is that based on what we said today or anything?
- It could be anything.
You can all do something for three minutes.
- Like I said, if you're waiting for the laughs,
it'll be a little more.
- Lynne, might go over a little bit,
but everyone else might go under.
And who knows?
So, think about the stuff that you came up with today.
And also maybe things that you'd like to joke
about in class, so far for the whole year.
- Should it be cohesive?
Or could it be things strung together
or it should be...?
- You know, you can always use the, "anyway".
- Anyway.
Okay. - Yeah.
- Could I do a bar jokes?
Walked into a bar?
- Yes, definitely.
- What's the set up gonna be?
- A stage. - A real stage?
- There's gonna be a microphone.
- Like this? - Yeah.
You guys are doing... this is great.
And you did a great class.
So, give it up for yourself.
(group applause)
- I'm gonna bring up an old show business joke.
A fellow was complaining to his friend. He said,
"Oh, I have this terrible job, terrible, terrible job".
"What is it?"
"Well, I go behind the elephants in a circus
"when they go around the circus ring and I sweep behind him.
"And the dung falls all over me, all over my face,
"all over my body.
"It smells awful.
"It smells terrible.
"And even when I go home afterwards and shower,
"it doesn't come off.
"It doesn't come off."
So his friend says, "Well, why don't
"you just leave that job"?
He says, "What, and leave show business?".
When I used to do singing, I worked comedy into my act
and to my introductions and so forth.
And usually I got good at handling people,
that would...
What's the word? - Heckle?
- Heckle you.
- Start singing. - What?
- I'm gonna heckle you.
You gotta shut me down.
- Gotta sing and heckle heckle okay.
*Toy balloon toy balloon*
- You suck.
*So, do you, my darling *
* Why don't you come up and sing with me, my toy balloon*
- That was so great.
Thank you, Helen. - Thank you.
- Wow, that was beautiful.
- Good enough? Good enough?
Well, I wrote the song.
- When did you write it
and are there other lyrics besides toy balloon?
- It was one of my first songs I wrote.
I did a play called Aladdin Lived in Brooklyn.
And I stuck it in the play
as the song with the princess song.
- How's it go one more time?
What's the chorus?
*Toy balloon toy balloon *
*Oh, come back and take me too *
* With you I'd float my toy balloon *
* Anywhere, but here *
- [Jo] Come on down.
Hi Elaine.
- Here's the booze.
I don't drink.
- Rebecca, come sit.
- Who else would like one?
It's non alcoholic.
It's also warm.
- L'Chaim, everybody.
- Break a leg everybody.
What was the thing she said to you?
"You got a pencil in your pocket,
were you happy to see me?" is that the one?
- Welcome everybody to the party bus.
(group applause)
We're gonna get pumped up.
We got a show in about two and a half hours.
Who can do a pump up?
Who can pump everybody up?
Yeah okay, go for it.
- You can either meditate or take some Quaaludes and relax.
- She said, "Do you have a pump up for us?".
- Oh, well I'd love some more champagne.
- Evana, can you pump everybody up?
- You could either keep your mouth shut or open it wide.
(group laughs)
- Tom, you gotta pump up?
- We're going out there.
We're gonna slay them with jokes.
We're gonna kill them.
Ain't gonna have nothing left.
We're gonna lay them lying in the aisles laughing
and gasping for air.
- One two three, jokes!
(group cheers)
One two three, jokes!
- [Group] One two three, jokes!
- So, Tom, I couldn't help but notice
that you were not at the class.
Can you account for your whereabouts?
- I was at my 9, 8:30 to 4:30 job.
What's that?
- That is HR.
- You work in HR? - Yeah.
And they don't know about my, this life.
- They don't? - No.
It's like seriously is a secret.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Secret. - I know.
- Well it's safe with me, I won't tell.
- Thank you.
- And so, so you're kind of at this other level though.
You're, you're doing comedy.
You've been doing comedy professionally for a long time.
What does it feel like being in a group
where these people are doing comedy maybe for the first time?
- I realize this is not their background.
They might've been professional people and all that.
But it's one of the things I enjoy the most.
Actually, when they give somebody their answer, they go,
"Oh, what's going to happen next?"
- Who would play you in a movie?
- Al Pacino.
- Who do you like to make laugh the most?
- The senior citizens
because they're not the usual comedy crowd.
I think they take more of a liking to me.
Well, a few don't and they throw things.
But other than that.
But then again, how far can they throw things,
you know, at that age?
You know, I can't either.
I'm not making fun of them, you know, I, you know.
But anywhere I could get a laugh, I'm fine with.
- Ah, I'm doing jokes.
So you better get this party started.
- [Jo] Helen, you got one?
- This is a song I...
My first song I wrote.
No, I wrote another song before that called
Charlie Is My Love.
*Toy balloon toy balloon *
* As you float up in the air*
* John, Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. *
*His name is my name to*
- God forbid.
*When we go out*
We're gonna get back to the theater,
we're gonna do a tech rehearsal.
And then we're going to do the show.
And then, and, and then you guys have the rest
of your nights to take the party bus, you know, around town.
- What about lunch?
- So, what you're gonna do is
you're gonna, someone's gonna open the curtain
when your name is called.
You're gonna go through the curtain
and you're going to grab this microphone.
And this is my other joke.
And it just became three minutes.
Everybody see?
Raise your hand if you see the red light.
I'm just gonna announce you and then you'll come up.
And if you need familiarity,
if you're good on the mic don't worry about it.
- I'd like to try.
- Okay, we'll go in order.
How about that?
- I've never spoken in a mic before.
Just speak into it? - Yeah.
- Good evening.
Good afternoon everybody.
- Tom comes up to the stage.
- Oh. - Thank you.
- Smooth.
- I'm Richard.
And and a bar walked into...
No wait.
A guy walked into...
A bartender went into the zoo.
- Barbara Bova.
- Yeah. Hi everyone.
- Ugh. - There you go.
- Hello I'm Helen Yalof.
- Okay, coming up to the stage next it's Evana Lewis.
- Hello. My name is Evana Lewis.
I love to dance.
Is there any tables in this audience?
- Okay.
- Hello there.
- New York New York wonderful town.
- Thank you.
- Yay. Hello everybody.
Coming to our performance.
- And then you just want to make sure
that mic stays right in front of your mouth.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Hello, mic.
And hi, everybody else.
I wanna thank you all for coming to my bar mitzvah.
- I can say you're an actress and a singer?
- I actually am a producer, entertainer, playwright.
- You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
- Sometimes I hate you.
- Sometimes you hate me.
- That's so great.
How'd you make this?
- Wanting to be a playwright,
my advice to you is to drop this for now
and do something else.
- Are you gonna be doing the curtain?
(general chit chat)
- Hi.
- Blah blah blah blah blah.
Honey.
Okay okay. - Okay.
- Okay okay.
- Hi everybody.
(audience applause)
Thank you all for being here.
You're a beautiful crowd.
These people are very odd.
I don't think there's a regular one amongst them.
Has anyone been to a 2:00 PM comedy show before?
(audience laughs)
Oh, you have.
Okay, so you got the vibe.
The vibe is nasty.
I'm constantly shocked by what everybody says in this group.
But I'm excited to start the show.
(audience applause)
- He's an incredible comedian.
It's Tom Petavano.
- I come from a poor family, but let me tell you something.
Every night my mother had food on the table.
I wish we had plates.
(audience laughs)
And then I'll never forget this saying,
"Mommy, I wanted a toy truck for my birthday.
"I didn't get one, I'm upset."
She goes, "Shut up you're 40 years old."
- I love getting older.
You know, I'm losing my hair,
but I know where it's going.
It's going to my knuckles.
I love getting older.
You know, at Wendy's I get my coffee for free.
Give it up for getting older.
(audience applause)
- My name is Helen Yalof.
And if you ever meet me, you can remind me of that.
Jo, are you sure the doors are locked, now?
- I have been an aspiring actress for the past 15 years
and I'm still aspiring, so.
(audience applause)
- This next comedian coming to the stage would like
for me to tell you that she is a great dancer.
Put your hands together for Evana Lewis.
- So, I went into the dentist he said,
"How are you doing Ms. Lewis?"
I said, "Doc, can you give me implant instead
of putting back my partial?
He said, "No, you have to make an appointment".
"I was so disappointment".
- My boss ever sees this, I'm dead.
(audience applause)
Now I get to eat.
- You know, I had my thing under notes.
Now I can't find it.
It's called Justice.
Oh, you found it.
- Nicki Cochrane.
(audience applause)
- Well, good afternoon and welcome.
I'm so delighted that you all came to watch us.
There are people, millions of people
who say they believe every word of the Bible.
Okay, fine.
But then I want them to be logical and be aware
of the consequences of their belief.
The Bible says an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
So, I want you to follow those consequences.
The Bible advocates that.
Our legal system today has no connection to justice,
but in the ancient world,
they really, they really cared about justice.
- I was on a plane and I overheard
the conversation behind me.
It was a southern girl asking a northern girl,
"So, where you all from?".
And the snooty northern girl says,
"Well, I'm from a place where they know better than
to end the sentence in a preposition".
She goes, "So where are y'all from, bitch?"
(audience applause)
Actually, that was from Playboy magazine.
- Lynne, that was great.
- My mother, my mother was a saint.
I brought you inside and I raised you.
I fed you, you little son of a bitch.
- Oh, I can't say that.
- I mean you little shit ass.
Thank you.
- That little shit ass.
Coming up next to the stage,
he's ridiculous but we love him.
It is Bill Burke everybody, Bill Burke.
- Oh my god.
(audience applause)
- My wife left me recently.
I was really sad.
I was depressed.
I went out and I bought a puppy.
I bought a new motorcycle.
Spent a lot of money on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to be really pissed
when she gets home from work.
(audience applause)
- My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, it's terrible.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
(audience laughs)
My name is Bill.
This has been my Ted Talk.
Thank you.
(audience applause)
- He's so naughty.
- It's just terrific.
- This next comedian coming to the stage.
She's the Seamus at her synagogue.
It is Barbara Bova.
- Two jumper cables walk in and the bartender says,
"Hey, you two, don't you start anything in here".
Julius Cesar walks in and he asks for a martinez.
The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"
And he said, "No.
"If I would have wanted two,
"I would have asked for a double.".
- I was debating, how do I kill these cockroaches?
Do I use a sponge?
Or do I use my hand?
Now, yeah, I know it's disgusting.
I forgot to give the trigger warning.
- If I go for the sponge,
it takes like one second to go for the sponge
before I go for the kill.
That one second is a really important second.
You could lose ground in that one second.
Oh my God I'm dead.
- The world is crazy, you know.
No one knows what's happening anymore.
You know, everybody's done sending.
Nobody in the woods, you know,
who is going, who is coming.
And then everything goes, but it's great, you know. (laughs)
Cause I don't know where I'm going or coming either, so.
(audience applause)
- Orlando Dole
- If you asked me to describe my figure,
I wouldn't say that I was an apple or a pear.
I'd say I was a soft boiled egg with breasts and...
(audience laughs)
Say you're on a date with a guy you don't know.
This is what he expects you to be wearing. Okay?
I mean, look at this.
These are what I actually am wearing.
No, I'll show you.
They're great. They're good.
(audience applause)
- Alix Elias!
- They liked you a lot.
- They liked you too.
- This next comedian would like you to know
that she's been retired for 30 years
and she's never been busier.
The one and only Bibi Elvers.
- I am a hoarder.
And I don't know how to get rid of my stuff.
And I can never find anything.
This is just some.
My favorite, absolute favorite toy, when I was a kid
when I was very young, is this.
And he has a little zipper pocket.
His name is Dog Do.
I didn't speak English at the time
but I had heard a few words and Dog Do sounded just right.
When, when my husband was having his knee replaced,
he begged the doctor to give him his real bone
after the operation.
Well, they're not allowed to do that,
but he was a very persistent man, my husband was.
And that's what this is.
These are his bones.
Then there was my head surgery.
Oh, I can't find it.
Well, I'll finish down here.
I'm fine.
(audience applause)
Two days after the surgery--
(audience applause)
This was on my bed table.
And what it is is the hair
that they had shaved off me 30 years ago.
I think, I think I'm a little bit lighter now.
Thanks for being so wonderful.
(audience applause)
- Bibi Elvers
A true, a true champion.
Incredible.
- Was that on purpose?
- What?
- Were you falling on purpose?
- Put your hands together for Ziggy Susser.
(audience applause)
Are you okay? - I'm fine.
It was an absolutely soft landing.
- We have a pet bird at home, a small parrot.
We called him Charlie.
Bout a year ago,
my wife was getting up off the couch
and she accidentally stepped on him,
flattened him out like a pancake.
He was okay but they brought me to the vet
and she said, "He doesn't have any brain damage .
"He doesn't have any broken bones".
I said, "How do you know?".
She said, "He answered all our questions."
"We asked him who brought you here?".
He said, "Big foot".
We asked him, "How did the universe start?".
He said, "Big bang".
We asked him who's your favorite character
on Sesame Street?".
He said, "Cookie Monster".
I thought he would say Big Bird too.
I'm Ziggy Susser.
Thanks, you've been great.
(audience applause)
- Ziggy Susser everybody.
- Okay and if you could just give
a big round of applause to everybody you saw tonight.
If we could see everybody take a bow.
(audience applause)
(light piano music)
I just wanted to say how great everybody was.
And it was really a great experience working with you.
And I just wanted to give everybody
a rose like we're on The Bachelor. Ok?
- Wonderful.
- Where did they wire the mic?
- They did not.
- Honey. I'll see you at home.
- How would you like some pictures
from the back showing all the seats?
- But it's empty.
Even though it's empty?
- But it shows you how many seats were here.
It's still cool.
- Did you guys help each other write your sets
or did you write them yourselves?
- We sort of fought over it.
We had a fight?
- I think we're doing a group photo.
- Oh that'd be great.
I'd like to be in that.
- I think what would be Kind of funny is if
you lied down in the front, you know what I mean,
with the rose maybe.
Exactly.
- When I get up in the morning, you smile, you laugh
because that's a beginning of the day
and that will help you go through the day.
Because the start off with that energy in you
and that laugh.
And then you go on to share it with someone else.
And you keep them happy.
It doesn't matter they might have a bad day,
but you give them a joke and they start laughing.
You feel good.
Laughter it's like food you put in your body.
It keeps you going.
It energize you.
It keep you happy.
And you know that you go through the day,
it's love and joy.
You're not supposed to let anybody take away your joy,
just keep on smiling.
I love it.
- I'm gonna ask you to finish the joke.
Guy walks into a bar.
- And he's not an alcoholic.
They throw him out.
- Say, "I want a tequila on the rocks".
- A guy walks into the bar,
"Have you seen my friend Phoebe?"
"Phoebe who's to hell's Phoebe.
"That's what I like to know where the hell is Phoebe?"
- That's a joke?
- No, that's not exactly.
That's not it.
- He ordered a beer on the rocks
and the bartender said, "You're not old enough.
"And besides we don't have any."
- Two friends are sitting on a bus.
- One throws up.
- Two friends are sitting on a bus and...
- One says, move to the rear and the other leaves.
- Then what happens?
- That's a good question.
- Two friends are sitting on a bus.
- And they didn't pay their fare.
They're thrown off.
(Jo laughs)