Downloaded from YTS.MX
A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
-[Manolo] Daniel, good morning. -Good morning, Manolo.
-[Manolo] Your coffee. -And the toast.
Here's your coffee.
-Thanks. -And your toast with olive oil.
Bon appetite.
Thanks, man.
[phone vibrating and barking]
HATE
Shit.
-Put it on my tab. I'm running late. -No worries.
Come on, Bruno! Come on, Bruno!
["Shiny Soul" by Fuel Fandango playing]
Shit.
HATE BY DANI ROVIRA
♪ My heart is looking For a warming shining groovy soul ♪
-[dogs barking] -All right, see you later. Bye.
-[barking] -What's that? Ah!
Right, no mask.
Okay, let's go.
[upbeat music continues]
-♪ My heart is looking for a warming ♪ -♪ I'm looking for your soul ♪
-[upbeat music continues] -[audience cheering]
[music and audience subsiding]
You can't even imagine
how excited I am to be here today in Málaga
after surviving and turning 40. Fuck yeah!
-[upbeat music resumes playing] -[audience cheering]
[laughing]
[music and audience subsiding]
Look at how
when you've gone through chemo, you gotta show any hair you've got.
-Look. Check it out. -[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Wild, right? I almost…
[audience clapping]
That was a close one.
For a second there,
I spent the whole year negotiating with Saint Peter.
He says, "Come up, Dani." I'm like, "Come down, same distance."
He says, "Come up!" I say, "Come down!" He says, "I'm swamped this year. Come on!"
I say, "I'm not really…"
"Dani, if you don't, your hair will fall out."
I'm like, "Fine. Deal."
[audience clapping]
I was too lazy to die. [laughs]
Man…
So, thank you all for coming.
I guess there's a reason we're at this theater today, right?
You all came here to laugh, right?
And as a comedian,
I'm here to give you those laughs, right?
That's our agreement, isn't it?
As you can see, today's sort of special because there are cameras.
This is being recorded.
It's going to be a Netflix special that will be streamed
in over 1,700 countries.
How many countries are there? A ton of countries.
[audience laughing]
But here's the thing.
Over the past few years,
people, damn, especially comedians, have had it rough
because everyone gets offended over so many things.
They get offended over every little thing.
So since people around the world will watch this,
this is for those who may get offended
over something I may ultimately say here today. Okay?
So, for those people who may get offended,
I wanted to say this,
we've gone through a global pandemic.
Actually, we're still in it.
They declared a state of emergency in Spain.
We were all on lockdown.
Two days later, I was diagnosed with cancer.
Eight chemo sessions.
One every 15 days.
Six hours of pumping shit into my body.
A liter and a half of poison. Pow, pow, pow.
I'd get home as if I got hit by a car.
Not a truck, that would've killed me.
[audience laughing]
My hair fell out.
I lost weight, vomited.
Eighteen radiotherapy sessions.
My chest and larynx smelled like fried chicken.
And I'm vegan.
When I was done, I went to Greece to make a movie about refugees,
hurricanes, fires, sea accidents.
I got a serious ear infection.
I came back to Madrid
for my birthday, but I was on lockdown in the mountains.
I spent my birthday alone.
Now you're telling me
you're offended over some little joke? Let me tell you something.
You can suck my balls from the front and back.
[audience clapping]
Anyway…
It's hot in here.
So…
let's get started. In fact, some people may already be offended.
Lots of people will say, disappointed people,
they'll say, "Jesus, Dani!"
"Didn't you go vegan?"
"So what's this?"
"What's this?"
It's pleather.
I had to kill some plants to make it. Tipping the scales of justice.
Yeah, I've gone vegan.
There you have it. I'm vegan.
A lot of people say, "Jesus, Dani, why would you want to suffer like that?"
And I say, "Well, to each his own." People still like Málaga's soccer team.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
We're free to choose how we suffer.
Yeah, I went vegan. It's crazy when you go vegan.
Tons of people suddenly concerned about your health.
Of course, these are people that studied nutrition, a five-year degree,
especially them.
The other day, this fat guy comes up to me and asks,
[repeatedly] "Dani, what do you do about protein?"
"The same as you when you forget your defibrillator."
-"Trying to survive." -[audience laughing]
Then I gave him a kiss and said, "See you tomorrow, Dad." So…
[chuckles]
[audience clapping]
I want to start by talking about a concept that many people don't know about.
Your original laugh.
Your original laugh is the one that you're born with.
Everyone has one.
You may decide to change it over the course of your life
because you like your friend's laugh and copy it,
or maybe you have a laugh
that isn't attractive. You're embarrassed by it.
Let's say you're an ambassador,
a diplomat, or something. You have important meetings.
If this is your original laugh… [laughs aggressively]
…then I get it…
if you want to change it.
But even so, I'm a big fan of the people that keep their original laugh.
A few years ago, I went to a party.
I said something, and some guy thought it was really funny.
He had the most spectacular original laugh.
I can't remember what I said, but I look at him. He goes…
[laughs exaggeratedly] I was like, "What a lovely laugh!"
I spent the night telling him jokes,
farting, falling on the floor, doing everything I could
to keep him laughing. He had such a gorgeous, spontaneous laugh.
He'd go like this…
[laughing exaggeratedly] …clenching his fists.
Like when you're walking, and they try to sell you rosemary,
and you walk by saying, "No, no, no."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
His laugh came from a deep place,
almost ancestral.
[laughing exaggeratedly]
It was like Pachamama's ancestors
were laughing through you.
Then he'd throw his head back like he was missing a spine.
Like PEZ dispensers. Do you remember them? [laughing exaggeratedly]
I bet I could grab some candy from his throat.
What a pretty laugh.
Original laughs aren't unique, you know?
Folks in other parts of the world laugh like you do.
Really, it happens.
You know who has that laugh?
Messi.
[audience laughing]
You know who Messi is, right?
I don't know much about soccer. I don't much like it.
But we all agree that Messi is the best soccer player in the world.
Even if we go back in history.
That guy is amazing.
I've seen him play soccer live in Barcelona.
I went to Camp Nou.
You can say "Camp Nou" or "Nou Camp."
It's a thing I can't…
But you can't say "Camp Camp" or "Nou Nou."
[audience laughing]
I saw him play live, and the guy is incredible.
You can't comprehend how that guy plays.
He's like a cartoon. It's incredible.
That being said, don't you think, outside the world of football, Messi's…
Maybe the light's on, but nobody's home?
[audience laughing]
Eh?
As my comedian friend Tomás García says, "Not all of his ducks are in a row."
[chuckling]
In fact, I think even within the world of soccer,
he sometimes has a hard time.
For example,
in tournaments like the Copa del Rey, the Champions League,
they're knockout competitions, right?
You win a match and move to the next round.
I'm telling you this since Málaga doesn't qualify for these.
[audience laughing]
So yeah, he's had to deal with this tons of times.
You know how it works, right? There are two matches,
and the team that has scored the most goals moves on to the next round.
If there's a tie,
the team that scored the most goals on the away field moves on.
Because in theory, that's harder, right?
You can imagine how often this happens to Messi.
Let's pretend, okay? I'll make it up.
Copa del Rey, semifinals.
Barça versus Málaga. We're pretending.
The first match is at La Rosaleda Stadium, okay?
"Rosaleda" or "Ledarosa." You can say it either way.
At La Rosaleda,
they tie 3-3.
Three-three here in Málaga.
At Camp Nou, or Nou Camp, they tie 1-1.
The ref blows the whistle.
Whenever the whistle blows during a Barça match, there's a camera
that focuses on Messi wherever he is.
Normally, he's at midfield, but when this happens, he looks like this…
Like a flying saucer
dumped him there at that moment, and he was clueless.
Watching the match at home, I feel for the guy.
I say, "Can someone please explain to him what's going on?"
It's even tougher now because his best friend isn't there.
He plays in Japan now. You know Iniesta was his best friend?
His best good friend.
If you looked at his contact list, it'd say "AAAndresito. Best friends."
So look at older videos from other matches.
The first guy that goes to Messi,
pretending he's just giving him a hug is Iniesta.
But he's whispering, "We made it to the next round, Messi."
And he goes… [laughing exaggeratedly]
[audience clapping]
I think he's so sweet.
I think Messi's so sweet.
Messi is the type of guy that, when under a ton of pressure,
like during the Champions final,
when the whole world's watching and waiting for Messi to score,
eightieth minute, they're tied, 1-1,
Messi is the type of guy that would say stuff like this.
A guy is injured. While he gets help, Messi goes to the sideline,
and he'd say something like this…
[panting]
"Wow, this water tastes great."
He'd go and score off a midfield bicycle kick.
That's Messi in a nutshell.
He's afraid of training bibs.
I learned about that recently. A phobia of training bibs.
Several years ago, there was this photo online
that caused quite a stir.
This photo came out a while ago.
People said, "Wow, he doesn't know how to put on a training bib."
Come on. Clearly, he's just messing around.
Like when you miss a goal and you go, "Ugh!"
I don't think he's trying to push his face through.
He knows there's no… right?
Anyway, you know how people get, Messi this, Messi that.
Whatever, that's what happened.
About two or three weeks later…
another picture came out online. This one.
[audience laughing]
It says UNICEF, which is like…
You gotta see…
all the memes they made with this photo.
I didn't bring any since they're not mine, but they're all incredible.
My favorite is the one where he's in Elliot's bicycle basket
on the way to the moon.
Big deal. He's putting it on. The photo's bad.
That's all. People can be so mean.
Anyway.
Three or four weeks later…
this came out.
[audience laughing and clapping]
I mean, I can't stick up for him anymore.
This picture makes me want to call his mom and ask her,
"During labor, which hole was he trying to go through?"
Anyway.
Cute Messi jokes aside,
Lionel Messi, as a figure, fascinates me.
It's fascinating how a person can be so powerful
and so vulnerable at the same time.
The whole world says Messi is a god,
but if Argentina is suddenly knocked out of the World Cup, people want to kill him.
Literally, they want to kill him.
And I'm like, "Come on, he's doing his job."
He's trying to do his best like the rest of us.
But since he's such a public figure…
This could be applied to any soccer player,
any athlete, any artist,
actor, musician, journalist, even any comedian.
As public figures, we're in the fucking line of fire.
Depending on whether we mess up or not,
we could get lynched by an angry mob, an enraged throng.
It's like, "Wow."
That's tough, right?
I'm done talking about them.
Let's take a step back and think about society as a whole,
about where all the hate comes from.
Don't you feel it?
Doesn't it feel like society is, like,
oozing with hatred?
And this started way before the pandemic.
I've been doing this set for a few years now.
Didn't you feel that, even before coronavirus,
people were mad?
People are pissed off, man.
People are constantly on edge.
When someone screws up, we don't help them.
We point fingers, so we don't get blamed.
This fucking "gotcha" culture.
Don't you feel it? I get that there are tons of factors at play.
There are many reasons why society is oozing with hatred.
I get that some people are out of work,
or they have shitty jobs, or can't pay the bills.
It makes sense if you're bitter 'cause you gotta tighten your belt.
That could be a very valid reason.
I get that we live in a society
where reckless politicians push us around.
It's like they're governing from a schoolyard.
I get that this pisses us off.
I get that we're bombarded with inflammatory journalism
that just constantly pisses us off.
I get that. Social media can really piss you off.
I don't know about you, but Instagram… I have an Instagram, and I feel like
everyone on it is way happier than me.
I could look at my neighbor's profile
and say, "That's my neighbor? But he's a loser!"
But I see him on Instagram, and I'm like, "I want to be him!"
It happens.
And I bet a lot of you think I forgot about a few factors,
but there is one I want to talk about.
I think it's a factor
that nobody notices because we're… [straining]
And that's stress.
Stress.
People forget about it since you can't see it.
Like Wi-Fi, you can't see it.
But it will cost you.
Think about it for a second. Stress.
Stress.
You repress…
-your stress. -[audience clapping]
"Seriously, did he really just do that?"
"Stick to jokes."
I'm gonna talk about my relationship with stress
up until now at the age of 40.
Uh, I left Málaga when I was 17, 18.
You're not stressed then 'cause you don't give a fuck.
I could barely spell "stress."
My life in Málaga was not stressful.
At 17, 18 I moved to Granada.
It's an Andalusian city. It's even smaller. What else can I say?
It's bohemian.
There's culture, art, music, muses.
Basically everything is within walking distance.
It's all so close together.
So, sure, no stress in Granada.
But…
about 13 or 14 years ago, I moved to Madrid.
I wanted to do this for real, and that's where you make your mark.
So I went telling myself I wouldn't lose my Andalusian identity,
my flow, my chill vibe, you know?
So I got to Madrid all calm.
Rented a place, moved in. Well, put my boxes down.
Please, I didn't unpack. I dropped my stuff and said,
"Time for a walk. I will not get stressed on my first day."
I'd heard about Retiro Park, so I said, "I'll go to Retiro."
I said, "With such a grand name, it can't be that bad."
"All right, let's go." I don't go anymore.
I never go there now.
I thought you could go for a nice walk, get inspired.
No, you need a rearview mirror.
There are cyclists, runners, ducks… "Fuck this shit!"
I left saying, "This is a human centrifuge!"
But it turns out it's not just Retiro, it's all of Madrid.
The whole city, any neighborhood, Usera, Malasaña, Legazpi, take your pick.
The crowds of pedestrians… Have you seen how they walk?
I'm like, "That guy is off to defuse a bomb."
"So is he, but going the other way. What's going on?"
One day, I decided to watch this guy that was in a rush.
I'm like, "Let's see where he goes."
He ran into a wall and got stuck-- [imitates hitting wall]
I'm like, "Jesus, you're all robots."
-Am I missing something here? -[audience clapping]
Some sort of zombie apocalypse,
some bit of news I haven't heard?
Like snipers are on rooftops saying,
"If anyone stands still for more than 20 seconds,
I'll blow their brains out!" Come on, man.
Driving in Madrid?
Driving in Madrid.
You have no idea what it's like. I got my license in Granada.
I didn't use fourth gear for eight years.
Sweet mother of God, they drive fast!
They just randomly switch lanes!
It must cost 20 euros
every time you use your turn signal there. Those fuckers are cheap!
Driving in Madrid, you gotta guess what the guy in front and behind is doing.
I say, "I'm busy enough deciding what the fuck I'm gonna do!"
But the scariest part about Madrid isn't the cars flying by.
It's the cars that are stopped.
Those things terrify me!
I'm driving in Madrid. There's a red light, and I'm like,
"Please don't let me be at the front." Bam! I'm there first.
It's so fucking stressful!
There I am… [imitates engine running]
the farm boy that should never stick out.
I broke four steering wheels from stress. And I'm like, "Stay sharp. It'll be fine."
"No one is going to yell at you. Come on."
At one point, I saw the blonde from Grease with the kerchief,
"Come on, boys!" And I'm like, "Let's go!"
And, suddenly, I hear the horn behind me… [imitates horn honking]
I look back, I look forward, still red.
-I'm like, "That fucker time traveled!" -[audience laughs]
He bent the Cartesian axes, space-time. That damn Marty McFly!
[audience clapping]
What about dating?
Dating?
This doesn't just happen in Madrid. It's everywhere.
What's with dating now? Why does it move so fast?
Look, I'm not some cranky old man. I'm 40.
But I can't wrap my mind around it all.
I asked my friend, "How do people date now?"
"You don't just go out for a beer or meet up?"
He said, "No way."
"Now it's through apps." I was like, "What?"
"Yeah, through apps."
I was like, "Apps?" He's like, "Yes, yes."
"You can flirt from home." I said, "Really?"
He was like, "Yesterday, I got matched while shitting."
-I was like,"What?" He said, "Yes." -[audience laughing]
It happens.
She says, "What a nice guy." And my buddy gets a match while taking…
And I'm like…
I'm like, "What are those apps?"
He goes, "There's a ton of them!"
"There's Grindr, Tinder, Winder, Fringer,
Chatsky, Forchis, Bikin, Bondis, Brendis, Truskis, Frosties,
Chisquis, Tejeringuis, and AdoptaUnTío.
-I'm like… -[audience clapping]
"Can I have some paper to write this all down?"
And I see people using these apps, and I'm lost.
It looks like a video game.
He goes, "Check this out. Yes, no, yes, no."
Of course, I tried it. I went to meet up with a chick,
turned the corner, and said, "Hey, I'm Dani."
"I don't give a shit. Give me cock. Now go the fuck home."
I came home, stood in the dark
in my living room for a while, like…
-"I'm not sure if I fucked or not." -[audience laughing]
There's no trace.
It happened so fast.
Now, dating is like…
watching shows on Netflix.
That's fine and all, but…
it goes so fast.
This has happened to all of us, right?
It's Tuesday, 9:00-9:30 p.m. You get home from work.
You make yourself a quick dinner and say, "Well, I'll watch an episode on Netflix."
The show and season don't matter.
Wherever you are, in whatever series you're watching.
You put on the episode, throw the remote somewhere, and…
Well, it starts because you press play.
That's why it starts. "Isn't that nice?" And the show's great by the way.
You think I'd talk shit about Netflix right now?
And you're like, "This actress is amazing. I didn't expect… wow!"
"Holy shit, those special effects aren't cheap."
The episode ends and you say, "I'll brush my teeth and go to bed."
As you get up, you see "next episode" out of the corner of your eye
and then, "Six, five, four…" You search for your phone.
"Three, two, one…" Now you have to watch.
You have to. You can't break the hypnosis.
I watched every season of Money Heist in one night. Don't ask me how.
I've gone through Netflix, all of it.
I've lost my job, my family.
I'm rewatching the second season of Friends.
And I can't remember anything that happened!
[audience clapping]
Can't remember a thing!
That's not how you enjoy things.
I'm not talking about dating like my parents did.
I don't know, but more or less how it was 20 years ago.
It was a little more…
Look, dating used to be like watching shows on regular television.
And that was perfectly fine, but at a different pace.
Same scenario.
Tuesday night, 9:30. You get home from work, make a quick dinner,
and at 9:20 you think,
"I'll turn it on at 9:30
because they've been running ads all week…
saying that the show airs at 9:30."
You start heading to the living room around 9:25…
just in case…
they air it early, right?
So you sit down with your dinner.
It's 9:25.
It's 9:30, and you go, "All right."
[clears throat]
It's 9:40.
It's 9:45, and you go,
"Maybe the guy who's supposed to press the button…"
Shit happens, right?
It's 9:55… I don't know about you,
but I have this thing where, when I'm watching a movie or show
and have dinner, I like to start eating
when it starts, like at the same time.
So I'm there thinking, "Just wait. It's going to get cold…"
"My salad is going to get cold."
And at 10:15…
the show starts. Great.
And it's very good. You're like,
"That's awesome!"
"Those two actors always work so well together."
"Wow, look at the production values. My goodness!"
Then a voice says, "We'll be back from our commercial break in March."
And you go, "Okay. I'll get on with my life."
"I'll go to college, get a tan this summer,
and then watch next year." Come on!
[audience clapping]
There has to be some middle ground, right?
I have to admit that I gave into the stress of Madrid.
But about nine years ago,
someone came into my life
and changed it completely, changed how I understood life, its pace.
It was my first dog. Her name is "Taterface." Okay?
She's alive today. We're roommates.
She's an elderly lady. She's always sitting.
I don't know how she moves. I look over and there she is.
Then I go to my room, and she's there. I never see her move.
Like a cartoon character hopping around, like Goku teleporting.
I've never seen her walk.
-But I go somewhere and she's there. -[audience clapping]
Anyway, apart from that…
Um…
something happened to me while I was with her.
It completely changed me. Hold on.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna do the whole "My dog is super special…"
No. I think we're a bit fed up.
At least I am. I'm a bit fed up with dog people that are always like,
"My dog is so…" Hold on a second.
Who's got a dog here? Raise your hand.
Damn, that's a ton of dog people. Great. I thought so.
As I got in, I went… [sniffing] "Oof."
-[audience laughing] -It's fine. I'm used to it.
You'll have to forgive me,
but I think you dog people are…
a fucking cult.
You're insufferable.
I try not to go to the same parks at the same time every day
or talk to the same owners 'cause it's gotten to the point where
if I see one a third time, I want to punch them.
Because here's the thing. Maybe it happens in other countries, but in this country…
five percent, at most, of the dogs
are imposing, majestic, right?
Undeniably, objectively beautiful.
So very few people can say, "Look at my beautiful dog."
And the dog goes… [exclaims] And you're like, "Fine."
But 95% of dog owners…
have mismatched socks, junkyard dogs.
[audience laughing]
If it's not missing an eye, it's missing a leg or walks on the diagonal.
So you say, "Look how cute my dog is."
I go, "We could sit, talk this out, but I don't have time."
So when you can't say your dog is beautiful,
which most of us can't do,
what's your argument? How do you brag about your dog?
In this country, you brag by saying,
"My dog is so smart."
Everybody has the smartest dog in the world.
Yup, I've had it up to here with smart dogs.
Come on! As if Spanish universities were full of dogs.
I have this lovely neighbor in Madrid.
She's in her sixties.
She has a dog, and since she knows I'm all about dogs,
she thinks I care about everything she tells me about her dog.
I'd go as far as to say, "If your dog is happy and healthy,
I could give two shits about your dog." How about that?
The other day, she waylays me on the landing. "Dani…"
She says, "Dani, my dog is so smart."
"Listen to this."
"I get up really early in the morning
and take the dog out."
"He does his business. We go in."
"I feed him, drink my coffee, have some toast,
and hit the streets."
Because that's what the elderly do. They don't go outside.
They hit the streets.
I've heard this ever since I was a kid. Every morning,
I was afraid an old guy would fall out his window and crush me.
There comes an age when you decide to "hit the streets."
She says, "I hit the streets."
"I run errands, and then I'm back around 3:00 p.m."
"Get this, Dani."
"I live on the first floor." I go, "I know, we're neighbors."
"I go up the stairs. I don't make a sound, Dani. Not a sound."
"I'm a ninja."
"I spent five years in Matsumoto…
training for any eventuality."
"Back in my village, they call me 'The Vacuum Sealer.'"
She says…
She had her skirt hiked up to here, her slip, tights…
"Dani, I take out my key. No noisy key chain."
"And I go up to the door."
[whispers] "I put the key in."
"The door opens a bit, but doesn't make a sound."
"I'd sprayed some lubricant."
[in English] The ninja door.
[in Spanish] She goes…
"So I open the door a tiny bit, like…"
[exclaiming] "Just this much."
"His snout is there 'cause he knows it's me!"
I go, "For fuck's sake!"
-"Un-fucking-believable. Look…" -[audience clapping]
"Listen up, neighbor, and listen good."
"You left at 8:00 a.m. The dog fell asleep in his bed in the living room."
"At 8:30, he heard a noise and thought it was you."
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't, and went back to bed."
"Then someone buzzed your neighbor, he thought it was you."
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't, and went back to bed."
"He farted, thought it was you,
went to the door, realized it wasn't, and went back to bed."
"Before you got here, the dog went down the hall to the door 737 times
to see if it was you."
-"You just saw his last lap, dumbass." -[audience laughing]
"But the dog did the fucking Way of St. James in a day."
[audience clapping]
"Oh, he's so smart, Dani."
"Sure, but when he eats some junkie's shit in the park, you don't say anything."
"You keep that to yourself."
"I was scolding him the other day…"
She never says why.
Maybe he ate a five-foot-long scarf.
"Look how smart he is."
"I was scolding him, and I said, 'No.'"
"'Don't do that.'"
"Listen, Dani. He was just looking at me,
with a look on his face…"
Here comes the line that I absolutely despise. She goes…
"It was like he was about to speak." [laughing]
"He was about to speak? Dogs don't speak!"
"No fucking dog has ever talked!"
"And one more thing, if I ever see that dog speak,
I'll kick him out the window."
"You schizo!"
I'm fucking sick of smart dogs, and…
Forgive me, I'd rather be honest, that's all.
You're getting to know the real me. Sorry.
I wouldn't even grab a coffee with a dog person.
Sorry.
And you cat people…
[audience laughing]
[speaking gibberish]
[audience clapping]
All right.
Who has a cat? Don't be shy.
I can't go and slap you 'cause of coronavirus.
Come on, who has a cat?
That's a lot people, fewer than dog people, but okay.
By the way, does anyone have the combo pack?
What do you have?
Three dogs and two cats. What's next, a wild boar?
Well, those of you with the combo pack,
this next thing isn't about you. You're off the hook.
You people that just have cats…
forgive me, but I think you have…
[audience chuckling]
…an inferiority complex…
a severe one.
You cat people spend all your time and energy,
trying to convince everyone else, even though nobody asked you,
that having a cat
is better than having a dog.
-[audience clapping] -That a cat…
is better…
than a dog.
I say, "Invest your time and energy in whatever your want."
What pisses me off is that 95% of your argument is this,
"My cat, wow. My cat is the best."
"I get home…
and my cat comes to say hi."
"He wants to be petted"6
"He gives me his paw."
"I throw him a ball of yarn, and he goes and gets it."
"It's like…
he isn't even a cat."
"He's like a dog." Are you fucking stupid?
[audience laughing]
What you want is a dog!
Seriously.
I'm sorry, but…
if you have dogs or cats, don't talk to me on the street.
-It won't end well. -[audience laughing]
And you people with kids…
[audience laughing]
Why are you parents like that?
You turn into jackasses when you become parents.
For example, women.
What's your deal? As soon as you become a mom or know that you'll be a mom,
your operating system crashes.
No, it's true. I don't know if it's your software or your hardware…
I've never understood the difference.
But you start getting these system failures.
[laughing]
For example, units of measurement.
You start to mix them all up.
You get them all wrong.
The other day, I called a friend of mine. We hadn't spoken in years.
I had no idea how she was.
I call her and say, "Hey! How are you? It's so great to hear from you…"
She goes, "I'm a mom now."
I'm like, "Wow, that's great! How old?" She says, "192 weeks."
I was completely caught off guard.
Should I give the kid a toy or cigars?
I mean, "Are you really gonna make me go grab a calculator?"
[audience clapping]
You're buying groceries. The cashier says, "That'll be 1,532 cents."
-Wouldn't that piss you off? -[audience laughing]
We have larger units of measurement that make life easier.
So, please don't do that to us.
[audience clapping]
You parents are obsessed.
You're obsessed with teaching stuff to your kids before they're old enough.
Why? So you can brag.
"My son was walking at nine months." Why?
Why pressure the other kid, their parents?
And everything your kid does is special.
"Look how he poops on the hardwood floor!"
"Isn't that amazing?"
I'm like, "Yes, it is, since he's eight. It's amazing."
You're obsessed! We shouldn't pressure them.
Let them learn things at their own pace,
give or take a few months. As long as it's not extreme, right?
I don't know.
As a kid, the only thing I did
five months ahead of schedule
was eat Christmas cookies in August. That's it.
So, my friend…
She's from Málaga. Bea, my best friend. We've been friends since we were kids.
She's a wonderful woman. She's kind, generous,
a beautiful person. She's a genius, a medical professional, a doctor.
Whatever you want to call it.
She's a big deal, top of her class. She's the shit.
An exceptional woman.
She has two kids. When she had the first one,
she wanted me to be the godfather. I was thrilled.
So whenever I come down to Málaga, I try to make time to see them.
When…
the kid was about six months old, I went to her house.
"Hi, Bea." "Hi, Dani. How are you?"
I go, "Where's Paquito?" "He went shopping," she says.
Paquito is her husband.
[audience chuckling]
And I go, "Where's Nico?" Now he's the… She says, "There he is, in the…"
Maybe it was a crib or… wherever the kid was laying.
"There he is. He just woke up."
So I went over… I don't know about you, but I talk to babies in a normal voice.
Okay? I have no say since I'm not a parent, as far as I know,
but I use a normal voice. I have this thing.
No matter how little they are,
they're smarter than we think. Right?
I imagine some baby lying in a bed, a crib, whatever.
The baby just sees people drift in and out of view.
And they're going…
[speaking gibberish]
The baby must think,
"I got stuck with the biggest morons in Málaga."
[audience clapping]
"Either that, or I'm from the House of Bourbon. I don't know."
I mean, I try to talk normally.
I'm not saying go over there and talk about the stock market.
But I just act normal.
My friend Bea is right here. I go over.
"What's up, Nico? How are you doing, handsome?"
"You're so handsome. I've missed you so much."
Suddenly, I hear…
[childlike voice] "Look how much I've grown, Godfather."
"The booties you gave me don't fit anymore."
[normal] "Bea?" Remember, she's a doctor. "Bea?"
[childlike voice] "No, it's me, your godson."
[audience clapping]
"I'm here in the crib."
"I've gotten so big."
"Haven't you noticed?"
[laughing]
[normal] I'm like, "At least cover your fucking mouth, Jesus!"
At what point did parents become ventriloquists?
I don't get it. Let him speak when he's ready.
But don't speak for him. It creeps me out.
You want to speak and do everything for them.
He's six months old, "Look how big he is."
You're all obsessed with growth.
Nine months, "Look at him." I go, "Okay."
A year and half, "What a growth spurt!"
Two years, "Look, he's huge." I go, "Of course, Bea. He's a kid!"
"Of course, he's growing. That's normal."
"That's nothing extraordinary."
"It would be extraordinary if, at six months, he were this tall."
"And this tall after a year."
"And this tall after 1.5 years."
"If at age two, I go, 'Bea where is he?'"
"You go, 'Get this, he got back in my pussy.'"
I'd say, "Damn!"
"Now, that is extraordinary! Call Mulder and Scully!"
"Call the news networks!"
"But in the meantime,
as long as you don't stick him in a terrarium with a fucking iguana,
the kid will keep growing according to
physiological and nutritional standards set for kids in first-world countries."
You're so fucking obsessed.
It's not like we're gonna eat them. They're kids, not suckling pigs.
That got a bit out of hand. Sorry.
It's just that sometimes this stuff…
Forgive me.
[puffs]
Wow, this water tastes great.
[audience clapping]
Well, sorry. As I was saying…
I lost my train of thought. Taterface, remember her?
This is how, with Taterface,
I got rid of my stress when I lived in Madrid.
Instead of bragging about her,
I'll show you a photo, so you can see what she looks like.
You'll hear the most unbiased version of the story possible,
then we'll move on to something else.
No fantasy, no magic, no Gandalf, no Pied Piper, no bullshit.
This is Taterface.
-[audience] Aww. -All right?
It's like she's about to speak.
[audience clapping]
She's facing us, okay?
People in the back must be like, "Ass or elbow?"
She's a lovely dog.
The only thing is that she puts on weight easily.
I have to walk her a lot and keep an eye on her food.
She had an appointment with the vet she's had forever for a checkup.
They looked in her ears and all that. The vet puts her on the scale
and says, "Dani…" [wincing]
"…that's some serious girth."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Yeah, a bit girthy."
I'm thinking, "I hope she's talking about my dick and not the dog."
"Getting her to slim down is hard enough."
This is nothing. It'll go down as soon as I'm barefoot in a cathedral.
[audience laughing]
You guys laugh as if you've been barefoot in a cathedral plenty of times.
[audience clapping]
Taterface came into my life
at a time when I was living alone,
really busy with work, really stressed out.
I knew nothing about owning a dog.
Now I do. If you'll allow me to give you some advice about pets,
a dog, a cat, do it right, give it love.
Take care of it. Give it good food, go to the vet…
Just do it right.
Seriously. It's a living thing and has feelings.
It's not a fascist. Let's try to take good care of it, okay?
-So, I remember it was a Tuesday. -[audience clapping]
I got up that morning,
I get up, take her downstairs to do her business.
We go up, eat breakfast, and I go to work.
I come home at 4:00 p.m. and have 30 minutes
to take her out to do her business before I have to cross all of Madrid.
So, I take her down, all stressed out.
And if you're stressed, your dog picks up on that.
I'm like, "Come on, a little poop. Go on, pee. I'm gonna be late."
She pees and poops, and we head home through the park.
I'm rushing.
I'm super late and she stops. I'm like, "Come on, Tater. Come on, Taterface."
And I look to see why she won't move.
I see that she really wanted to stop for a moment
because she wanted
to smell a flower.
I stood there watching…
and thought everything made sense.
That's when I said, "Hold on, maybe this is what life's all about."
"Maybe life is about sometimes stopping for a second…
to smell a flower."
I took out my phone…
canceled my two afternoon meetings, postponed the next day's meeting,
turned off my phone,
put it in my pocket,
let her loose in the park and said, "Taterface…
this afternoon is for you and me."
"This is our afternoon."
Yes, sir.
That was it.
[audience clapping]
That day changed everything for me.
For her, too. She had a blast.
She hid in the bushes,
peed wherever she wanted,
smelled whatever she wanted,
played with some kids, they assaulted her a few times.
We had a blast.
Since then, my life has been closely tied
to dogs, specifically, and animals in general.
I live with three dogs. Some summers, I have five or six.
Plus I've symbolically adopted a donkey, a chimp, a gorilla, an orangutan…
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
-That got out of hand. -[audience clapping]
Anyway…
I'm not gonna give the typical speech about how dogs are better than people.
No, that's too simplistic, right?
But it is true that, after living with them for so long,
you notice things that show that they're better than us. A few things.
I'll tell you a couple.
Dogs don't have pockets, and that's to their advantage
because they live… they don't care about material things.
You're gonna go out. They say, "You're putting my collar on? Fuck yeah."
"You're putting on my harness, too? Fuck yeah."
"You're putting on my pink, glitter jacket? Well, fuck you."
"But fine. Go."
-[audience laughs] -Plus, I can see it.
When I close the door, she looks at me like,
"I wouldn't mind if you left your keys in there."
Or you get to the vet, one of the most expensive things there is.
The vet says, "All that'll be 300 euros." I look at the three of them. They're like…
"I don't have…" And the other one…
[audience laughing and clapping]
"I just rolled out of bed."
There's another aspect
in which dogs are superior to us.
Dogs and cats, too.
Male dogs and cats, female dogs and cats. Non-binary dogs and cats, all right?
I'm sure lots of you have thought about this before
because it's classic.
I hope there aren't any kids in the room.
Dogs and cats have the ability
to
lick
their bits.
Someone went…
"Are you sure?"
My dog Buyo is an expert at that.
I adopted him second.
He's in there all day, getting after it, putting in work, going to town.
I look at him with a mix of hatred and envy…
[exclaiming]
"Buyo. That's enough." And he's going at it…
He's getting back at me. I took his balls, he's like, "Let's polish this dick."
-I'm like, "But…" -[audience clapping]
And he keeps going.
He can go a good 20 minutes.
Once his back is warmed up, it's ass time. And I'm like, "Goddamn!"
I often ask myself,
"Doesn't he feel embarrassed doing that in front of people?"
Embarrassed? A dog? Embarrassed?
An animal that can look you straight in the eye while shitting.
When's the last time you made eye contact while shitting?
You can't remember, right? They're better than us.
Here's a rhetorical question.
If you could lick your bits, would you?
Food for thought.
I'll let you think about that one.
Of course, you won't answer now,
but tomorrow over breakfast with your mother…
Classic table talk. "Hey, Mom. Would you…"
Here's another question, all right?
This one is just for the guys
that said "yes" to the first question.
Okay? You guys that would do it…
Okay? Get ready for it.
I only see the top half of your face, but it looks naughty.
You're one of the chosen ones.
If you could lick your bits,
and you would do it, the question is…
would there be a heads up?
Think on it. No need to answer.
That's very personal,
but I love making you think a little bit.
I'll tell you what I'd do.
I don't care. I got nothing to lose.
I just got back from saying "fuck you" to St. Peter. Think I care?
For example, if I could, would I?
Obviously! Obviously!
I've been doing it since 19… I've been trying to do it since 1991.
I've given it my all, but I'm just not that flexible.
I think that, in some cases, the spine is overrated.
I've never seen a sad slug in my entire life.
Now…
regarding the second question,
if I could and would…
that heads up…
No.
[audience laughing]
I'd keep quiet like a bitch.
I'd create my own sustainability loop.
I supply.
I demand.
Since I'm vegan, a little bit of protein wouldn't hurt.
[audience clapping]
And when I finish, a kiss on the cheek and nighty night.
Come on! Of course!
Of course, I would!
[in English] Open your mind.
[in Spanish] It's all yours.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Be a good Christian.
Forgive me.
I'm sorry I'm so unhinged today.
I'm saying stuff you wouldn't expect me to say.
Maybe some of you are disappointed.
But it is what it is.
I hate lots of things, too. I know that's wrong,
but everybody hates stuff. I hate, I don't know…
I hate waiting in line, man. I can't do it.
I hate when my neighbor starts renovating at 8:00 a.m.
I lose it. I'd kill him with my bare hands.
I hate when my toast gets cold.
I hate when I get out of the shower and need to poop.
I'm like, "Goddamn it."
But as a human being, there's something worse,
hating people, not just situations.
Well, I hate people.
But it's worse than that. When I confess that I hate specific people,
they're people that nobody hates.
But I can't stand them. I'm sorry. I need to confess.
I'm letting it all out.
I want you to know who I am.
I hate Rafa Nadal.
-[audience chuckling] -I hate him to the core.
Not just now. Since the beginning.
I can't stand him!
Rafa Nadal. Rafa Nadal.
"The best athlete of all time." "The best Spanish athlete."
Kids love him. Moms love him…
He sets a good example. Handsome, dignified, ethical, polite.
Twenty Grand Slams! Twenty!
Why do you need so many Grand Slams? Spread the love around.
For fuck's sake!
A few years ago, in France, I'm not sure, I think he was reported
'cause they said he was doping in a tournament, the Roland Garros.
Imagine what it was like leading up to the trial.
What the poor guy went through, the defamation…
then the trial.
Obviously, Nadal won because he hadn't been doping.
And they had to pay him some serious dough
for damaging his reputation, image, and whatever.
Do you know what he did with the money? With that fat check? Do you?
He donated it to a French NGO.
Doesn't he deserve a forehand to the fucking face?
Fucking Rafa Nadal. Mallorca's flooded, and there he is.
There he is, cleaning it up. Is there no one else in Mallorca?
There's no one else. You have to be there.
-With 20 Grand Slams in your house. -[audience laughing]
I hate Meryl Streep. I hate her.
Meryl Streep Fighter 2. I hate her.
The best actress of all time. Every performance is authentic, organic.
Everything, all her movies. All of them.
Plus, she's an activist, a feminist. She's committed.
[laughs] All her movies are up for Oscars.
Enough already, Jesus! Stop being so good!
It's disgusting.
What about Angelina Jolie?
In addition to being a great actress, she's smoking hot.
At what age will she stop being so hot?
[audience laughing]
She's got a genius level IQ,
and she goes around, picking up homeless kids. "Come on, let's go home."
She's got 'em in every color except blue!
I hate Broncano!
I hate Vicente del Bosque!
I hate Clara Lago!
I hate Sergio Dalma!
I hate that asshole, Antonio Banderas!
[audience laughing and clapping]
I've had it!
I saw him the other day.
Twenty years older than me but could be my little brother. Fuck him!
But if there's someone over whom I'd pump…
or dump…
No, excuse me.
They both work.
Yeah, depending on which end you want it to come out of.
Anyway, if there is one person over whom
I would give a pour
or au pair…
of all my hate and contempt, without a doubt,
that person is
Hugh Jackman.
I can't stand him. He's my arch enemy, my nemesis.
This is Hugh Jackman.
There he is.
International, Australian, actor, Hollywood, fame.
For many years, in tons of magazines,
he's been called the most handsome, attractive man in the world.
Look at him.
That facial symmetry.
Those godlike features.
[stammers] That physique, chiseled by the gods of Olympus.
Those pores, each one oozing with Stendhal syndrome.
That fucker washes his shirts with his abs.
And one day, I felt like saying, "He's not that handsome. He isn't."
So I compared myself.
Then the hate started.
That's how the saying goes, right? Comparison breeds hate.
This is how it started.
No worries, you can laugh. I'm over it.
Plenty of years of therapy. I know it's overwhelming at first, like,
"How can they be from the same species, yet so different?"
"They have the same parts!"
Maybe you need to get into the details. Don't worry, I'll analyze it for you.
You'll see why we're so different. I have a problem, lots of them.
But we'd be here four hours.
My eyes, for example. My eyes.
I hope this gets subtitled.
My eyes.
The thing is, my eyes are small, very small.
Small and close together, right?
Very small, very close.
If they were any bit closer together, you'd say,
"Something's wrong with him."
I can't watch 3D movies.
The glasses are too wide. I can't get a lens over each eye.
I don't perceive depth. It's not worth the ticket price.
I can't get fat, ma'am. I can't.
If I do, my face gets fat, but my eyes stay small and close together.
My face gets away from me.
My face looks like the holes of a clown button.
And my nose? How about my nose?
People don't notice my nose 'cause there are big ones in this country.
But look out for mine.
I have a little kid's elbow glued to my face.
Watch out.
It'd take me three trips to clear out a glasses store.
[audience laughing and clapping]
I've never had glasses fall of my face.
Fucking never, and I got punched as a kid, okay?
Always the same side.That's why it's bent.
When I was little,
I was part of a swim club in Málaga.
In the summer we'd go to Misericordia Beach to swim.
And, of course, my specialty was backstroke.
But I had to switch. When I did it, my friends went…
[imitating suspenseful music]
I was like, "Stop it, you dicks!"
"Okay, everybody swim to the buoy and back."
I never went.
Since my keel's bent, I'd go in circles like an amputee in a canoe.
And it's sharp.
If you get close, you'll see it's sharp.
You're like, "No big deal." No, it is a big deal sometimes. It is.
"No way." And I'm like…
There have been times when…
Hmm.
I've had cunnilingus turn into a C-section, calling 911.
[audience laughing]
And I didn't choose my worst photo. This one's professional.
I used this for stand-up sets years ago.
After it had been circulating online for two or three months,
I looked and realized it. "Hold on, hold on."
"I'm missing an ear."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "How? I'm looking straight at the photographer."
As if I were looking there, he said, "Dani!"
I turned, and he took the photo before the rest of my body got there.
Am I Picasso's grandson?
So he's more handsome than me. What can I say?
Hugh Jackman, one.
Dani Rovira, zero.
But it didn't end there.
This is when our battle began.
It was the start of an intense battle.
Every day, looking for things that I was better at.
For years now… He has no knowledge of this, okay?
It's my thing.
"I must be better at something," I thought. I'm super competitive.
I'm like, "Of course, dogs!"
I'm here in Spain, helping dogs
so they get adopted, so they aren't abused or abandoned,
changing legislation…
I go, "I doubt this guy also happens to be…"
Look.
First, this is from a paparazzi.
He never looks bad in paparazzi photos.
Look at him, all dressed up.
I wasn't even that dressed up for my sister's wedding.
And look at those doggies.
With a vest, in case it's cold or rains.
Look at the booties. Look.
Look at the white one.
He's a surgeon.
He just performed gallbladder surgery.
Or neutered a friend.
Then there's this guy.
I have no good paparazzi photos, by the way.
Look at my clothes.
Winter, waist-up. Summer, waist-down.
They caught me with a shit bag in my hand.
That is a bag full of shit.
The trashcan was so close.
It makes you want to ask, "Paparazzi, you couldn't have waited one minute?"
You can't fake glamour.
These are my two pooches.
The third one hadn't come into my life yet.
The little brown guy is Buyo, Mr. Auto-felatio.
And the black cartoon is Taterface.
I think that's her face.
Otherwise, she'd be going backwards.
Back there's a guy from the 16th century. He appeared after it was taken.
Hugh Jackman, two.
Dani Rovira, zero.
I'm like, "Man, I gotta beat him at something."
I'm like, "This one will be close."
Look, I'm 40. That's a solid age.
I'm thin. I exercise.
I'm more or less…
I'm in shape, right?
This guy's always been pretty buff, but, shit, he's pushing 60.
Like that prick, Antonio Banderas.
I'm like, "Maybe we've currently reached an impasse,
where he dips a bit and I…" Right?
"And depending on the angle, maybe…"
This is from three years ago.
Yes, ma'am. You and I agree.
I'd fuck him, too.
These people are always beautiful. Everything about him. His hair.
These people… No matter what he does, his hair's fine.
Slap him in the face? His hair's fine.
Take his head out of the oven? Hair's fine.
He's squinting from the sun, but he looks handsome.
Damn it, he's handsome! What about this?
Flat abs…
Then this guy.
[audience laughing and clapping]
The sun's in my eyes, too. Okay?
But it must be a different time of day.
My hair's wet, too, but I look like…
a Roman caveman.
My teeth aren't big, but here, I'm a beaver.
"Hello. I'm a beaver."
Just stick a padel racket up my ass, and I'm a beaver.
[audience clapping]
Sunburned shoulders.
"How about a little fucking Photoshop?"
"Make me all red or all white,
but not like that. I look like strawberry ice cream."
I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame fleeing the fire, all hunched over.
"I need to put my balls in water!"
[exhales]
The eight euro Carrefour swimsuit with worn elastic.
I'm missing a fucking arm!
[audience laughing and clapping]
Hugh Jackman, three.
Dani Rovira, zero.
I'm like, "I can still win this."
There have been greater comebacks, right?
A few months later…
I found this.
Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars in 2009.
I saw it.
The best Oscars…
The best Oscars ever. No one had ever hosted like that before.
Wow, this guy…
What a host! So classy! Such sharp comedy!
That six-foot guy could dance. He could sing.
He was thrilling. When it was over, he went, as if saying, "Nailed it."
The whole world fell at his feet.
No bad reviews.
"Nailed it."
I hosted the Goya Awards three years straight.
The first, second, and then the third, so they'd be in order.
I'd never been criticized like that…
ever in my entire life.
The next day, holy shit…
I came to Málaga to see my parents.
TV, radio, magazines,
critics, social media, Thermomix, teletext.
I woke up one morning, "Mom, that noise! Is it hailing?"
She goes "No, it's a shit storm. Go back to sleep."
Come on!
Each show was over three hours long. Three shows mean at least ten hours.
So, any good reviews?
Even the algorithms
are against me.
Type "Dani Rovira Goyas" in Google.
Go to Images. This is the first one you see.
Hugh Jackman, four.
Dani Rovira, zero.
And when you let in four goals…
it's basically inevitable.
The fifth is coming.
The fifth hurts the most 'cause it's the last one.
And this is what hurts the most.
[audience chuckling]
Hugh Jackman is…
Wolverine.
The best comic book character of all time.
That damn mutant son of a bitch.
[growling] The Wolverine!
The claws.
The pheromones.
The wolf.
What a hairy beast.
[audience laughing and clapping]
[audience clapping]
What a shame.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Actually, yeah.
There's one more. One last question.
Here it comes.
You can answer. It's a simple one.
I would appreciate it if you did.
Um…
Did you laugh?
[audience] Yes!
Well, there you go.
[audience clapping]
[audience cheering]
[cheering intensifies]
Thank you very much.
Obviously, the applause goes both ways.
It's for you as well.
Today, we all reached our goal.
You came to laugh, and I came to make you laugh.
And we did it. We all won.
And laughter won as well.
And trust me, it doesn't matter at all…
why you laughed.
It doesn't matter if what I've said up here is true or false.
It doesn't matter if I was right or wrong in anything that I said.
It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree.
You laughed because laughter is so magical that it's above it all.
Do you really think…
do you really think I have all the hate
that I defended all night on this stage?
[audience murmuring]
Thank you for your vote of confidence, but I must confess that I've had it.
I've hated a lot.
Even up until very recently.
But I realized something very recently.
Hate gets you nowhere.
Hate is a waste of time, a waste of energy.
Hate gets you ulcers, stress, and even illnesses.
Do you really think all the people I spoke about on this stage…
Do you think I hate
Sergio Dalma, Rafa Nadal, Hugh Jackman,
Antonio Banderas, Broncano, Clara Lago
or Vicente del Bosque? Do you, really?
I'd need 100 theaters like this one
to contain all the admiration I have for them.
In fact, here's a secret.
When I started writing this show, I didn't know how it would go.
I grabbed a pen and notebook
and started writing down all the people I admire most.
From all walks of life.
Actors, actresses, singers, scientists, poets.
Even anonymous people, my neighbors. An almost infinite list.
Not everyone fit, but do you know what I called it?
My list of Halley's Comets.
I thought, "We're so lucky to be able to live
surrounded by all these Halley's Comets."
Because, ultimately, their existence makes our lives better.
They make us happier, they inspire us, entertain us,
they help us to be better.
That's why I feel really bad for people that grab stones
and throw them at Halley's Comets.
I thought it was absurd at first. "You'll never hit a comet."
But sometimes it happens.
Sometimes it does, and, maybe one day,
you hit one and become the first asshole to knock a Halley's Comet out of the sky.
We should never try to be like them. When they were born, they broke the mold.
We'd drive ourselves crazy trying. It's impossible.
Hopefully, one day,
we can end up being ourselves.
That would be a real victory.
Meanwhile, while we're working on it, let's relax.
Let's calm down. Let's stop competing with each other.
Compete against yourself to be a bit better than yesterday.
And let yourself have a bad day. It's fine.
And if you happen to be number one in something, great.
My hat's off to you.
But if you're number 1,534 in that thing, that's great, too.
You'll be much happier.
So much envy and hate.
Envy is mismanaged admiration.
Take your envy, your hate, your fear,
all your shit, put it here and channel it
into something that is worth it.
Hate is for cowards. Do you know what the brave do?
They say, "I love you." That's what.
So get up, go home, grab your mom by the collar, your father,
-tell them you love them. -[audience clapping]
Tell your siblings, friends, dogs, roommates.
Say, "I love you." There's nothing braver.
I want to share my life with people that say, "I love you."
That's why I'm dedicating this show to the most important person in my life.
Wherever you are, you're my inspiration.
This is for you. I love you, Messi!
["Going the Distance" by Bill Conti playing]
[audience applauding]
[laughing exaggeratedly]
[uplifting music continues]
Thanks so much, Málaga!
[uplifting music continues]
[clapping and cheering continue]
[music climaxing]
[clapping continues]
Thank you very much.
Just…
Thank you, really. Just…
just one more thing.
Before we go, I want to thank you for deciding and making the effort
to come to the theater.
I always say that, but even more so in these times,
because, ultimately, it's a fact that live theater, movies,
wherever we can enjoy culture are some of the safest places
on Earth right now.
Thank you so much for your courage and commitment.
And when people come to see me live,
I like to give them one last tidbit to get to know me better.
Above all, I hope this gift helps you throughout life.
Maybe this is a little more familiar to people in Málaga.
I'll start packing my props.
Before I run out of time.
Uh… [chuckles]
I started out as a storyteller.
In fact, I started out at a tea shop nearby.
In the Mártires square, the El Harén tea shop.
I spent many years telling stories before I became a comedian.
I could tell… I don't know,
five hundred different stories at one point. They were all special.
But I remember, one day, I thought of a really short one.
It really affected me.
I kept it to myself.
It went with me everywhere.
As a kid, I kept it close to my chest, like we say in Málaga.
I didn't tell it much.
I told it on very special occasions to very special people.
But you grow up and learn those should go hand in hand.
And I learned something from reading a sentence some guy wrote.
Uh… Ghandi, whoops.
-Uh… -[audience chuckling]
[laughs]
It went…
"You only lose what you cling to."
So I want to give you this little story
so you can tell it wherever you go.
I'll also say it's a pre-coronavirus story.
Maybe this isn't the best time to tell it,
but just imagine the story will last for years to come.
It's my gift to you. Enjoy.
It goes like this…
"In a tiny village…
all the villagers awoke one morning with sugar on their lips."
"But that morning,
the only people that realized it
were those that wanted to kiss someone."
So, my friends, go out there
and look for sugar and sweetness in every corner.
Don't get bitter…
because life is beautiful.
["Eso Que Tú Me Das" by Jarabe de Palo playing]
[audience cheering]