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Yesterday in the locker room
I see this naked old woman from the corner of my eye.
So I think: 'Awesome she's still doing sports.'
It was a mirror.
Oh, come on!
Don't be ridiculous.
My butt looks like a collage of meatballs.
Oh, stop.
I'm turning 50. In man-years that's... 100. At least.
I used to be Theo's age, he's fooling around with a 20-year-old.
20-year-olds give up their seats for me.
50 is the new 30.
There you go.
Old...
is old...
No, thanks.
For your last study, you made me look at male genitals
and recorded my brainwaves.
I'm still traumatized.
And that smell test with the psycho women was a nightmare.
This one's different.
What are you on? - "Seniuberty".
What's that supposed to be?
What? - Seniors going through puberty.
You're right in the middle of it, we all are.
Except Rose.
Bullshit. - No, biology.
We're ruled by hormones.
From the age of 40, we go through reverse-puberty.
Sex hormones disappear,
sagging muscles, flaccid erections,
sperm production nosedives.
And finally... your pubes fall out.
Here we go!
Go!
Angela Merkel.
Acid rain. - Acid rain?
Chainsaw massacre.
Retard.
Time's up, point for us!
An egg. - Lionel Messi.
Lumbago. - Treasury Secretary.
Dildo. - Ejaculation.
Yes! - What?
Ejaculation!
See my true talents, Rose!
The Bolshoi. - Bertolt Brecht.
Musical clock!
Rhythmic gymnastics. - Yes.
Then Emilia's on our team.
No way. Why? - We're a player down.
That's not fair. - Come on.
You two are telepathic.
Let them.
Swimmer. - Diver.
Currywurst.
Big tits.
Dolly Buster.
Blowfish. - Ten seconds to go.
10, 9, 8,
7,6,5,
4,3,21.
Compound interest rates. - Yes!
What?
I told you they're telepathic,
they even think the same.
Compound interest, simple.
One word: money, money, and more money.
Hey...
I freakin' love charades.
So cool how you, right at the last second, boom!
Spat out the compound interest rates.
But I was wondering... - What?
What took you so long?
Back in the day, you used to just nail it.
That's our problem? Seriously?
It isn't?
It isn't.
Because we don't have one.
I gotta hit the sack.
IT'S JUST A PHASE, HONEY
"Seniuberty"...
You're right in the middle of it.
And finally...
your pubes fall out.
SENIUBERTY
What else?
Nasal hair, impotence, loss of vision,
hemorrhoids, prostate...
It doesn't have to be like that, thanks to affectionate masculinity.
Turn to your penis, talk to him.
He needs your love.
Try it.
Yeah, right.
Like any other muscle, the pubococcygeus,
or PC muscle, can be trained.
But this isn't about erections, it's about sexual mastery.
Anyone can have a hard-on.
I'm thinking more of the Indian snake penis.
Yogis have managed to train the muscle
to give both themselves and their sexual partners
almost otherworldly pleasure.
You can do it too, it's easy.
Your prostate and your partner will thank you for it.
So, let's get started.
Pick up your man bead
and very gently place it against your rectum.
Breathe calmly and relax.
We don't insert the bead yet,
we're just getting used to it.
Let's take things easy.
You're just getting acquainted.
Sense deep inside you what the bead feels like.
Make sure you maintain a relaxed position,
breathe calmly and...
Daddy.
I'm hungry.
And... where's your mom?
Doing yoga with Fay.
I'll be in the kitchen then.
With really big lumps. - With really big lumps.
Morning! - Morning.
Fay, Marie, breakfast.
Morning, my darling.
Hey, that's my hot chocolate.
Come on, really?
Daddy?
Fay says that old people alone at the computer means they're...
masturbating.
Is that what you do?
No...
What's masturbating?
You tell him. - Ask your father.
It's...
when you're a little older and you...
like yourself.
You need a computer for that?
Hey, Fay found all these old photos yesterday.
I was pregnant with Fay on this one.
Those were the good times.
Bo's first birthday.
Everyone got a present to keep them happy.
Check out the look Dad's giving you.
What's going on here?
Yes, what's that?
That's us, in disguise.
As rubber toys? - As a bobsled team?
We were young too once and...
pretty wild.
Wild is one thing, but fetish sex?
Why always so bitchy, Fay.
What's fetishex?
Running late, let's go.
What about breakfast? - No time.
I'll take care of this.
Thank you.
What's with the funny walk?
I must have slept in a weird position.
Still here? - Hey.
The things we did in those, remember?
I kept them.
In a box. In my room.
Really?
We were so young... and wild.
So wild... - We still are.
In theory.
In theory?
I got to go. - Sure.
Good luck at the publisher's.
Thanks.
René, I know what you're going to say,
"Paul, you're like a brother, I love you,
you're my favorite writer, always been, but this is too heavy.
No one will read it."
René, can't we just for once...
be brave?
Paul, you're like a brother, I love you,
you're my favorite writer, always been, but this here...
it's too heavy.
No one will read it, not coming from you.
Let's be brave. - Brave?
Yes, this is literature.
You made a fortune with my books. - So did you.
That was 20 years ago, and you know why?
Because you wrote what we all wanted to read.
You were so authentic.
Finger on life's pulse,
of what we know, feel and fight over,
what we laugh about and despair over.
You want me to write in the past?
I want you to write in the present, but to be as authentic
as you were back then.
Linda,
I beg you, wait!
Please understand, Linda,
I'm only a man.
I'll never understand you, Ramon.
Evita has turned my heart into a fountain of eternal youth.
And what about me?
Thank you. Emilia...
Make it softer.
In pain, but gentle, OK?
Let's go again.
Linda,
I beg of you, wait!
I'm only a man.
I'll never understand you, Ramon.
Evita has turned my heart into a
fountain of eternal youth.
And what about me?
Thank you. Emilia...
Gentle. Feminine.
Look at the guy with his porno moustache and greasy hair.
He's screwing a 20-year-old and I'm supposed to understand?
'Fountain of eternal youth' my ass!
That noise up there is driving me nuts.
Let's take advantage of it...
No one will hear us.
Who on earth could concentrate?
You need to concentrate to have sex with me?
Then do something.
Why me?
Who else? You're the man.
What about feminism?
Police Precinct 4, this is Officer Jahnke.
This is Mr. Mann, I'm calling about a noise disturbance.
A party, to be precise.
I see. How loud is it?
Well... it's loud.
On a scale from one to ten, how loud would you say it is?
One to... I don't know... eight?
Really? Could you recreate the sound?
How? - Like this...
Say, have you had a drink?
No... yes... A small one.
Repeat after me.
I'm not the pleasant pheasant plucker, I'm the pleasant pheasant plucker's son...
What is this? - Alcotest by phone.
I don't believe this.
I'm not the pleasant...
Wait a second.
I'm not the pleasant pheasant plucker...
What are you doing?
I'm the pleasant pheasant fucker...
plucker...sucker's son!
Are you drunk? - You are drunk.
I thought you're stopping the noise? - No.
What 'no'? - Hello?
No, I'm not drunk. I'm talking to the police.
Hello?
My wife's pissed too. - At you.
Not at me...
Where are you? - In Cologne. The address is...
Right now? A ball up your ass?
Yes.
And I can't get it out.
Out your ass?
I love how you boil it down to the essence.
So that's why you're walking funny. - Yes.
I was thinking maybe...
if I had a toke, or two...
Smoke weed? - Man...
To relax, you know? - OK...
But it's been years, where do I get it?
Same place, but it's way more potent these days.
Gotta go easy.
Move your fucking asses, you twats!
The Nobel Prize for Literature has finally been added to his accolades.
We're delighted to have this incredible man with us today.
Welcome, Paul Mann.
But before we talk about his triumphant success
and what makes him a cultural icon of our times,
we'll take a quick break.
It just tastes...
and tastes...
and tastes.
Anywhere!
New strawberry flavor.
An incredible double biceps.
Nice. Really nice.
No one combines elegance and strength like Paul Mann.
Now he's even giving us his trademark smile.
Paul Mann is a helluva guy.
Is there anything he can't do?
Bo, could you take this bag?
You can't post those pictures online.
It's my private Insta account, I can do what I want.
No, you can't. - I can.
It's not my fault you're menopausal.
I'm not menopausal.
What's menopausal? - Not now, Bo.
When a woman stops producing eggs.
Mom produces eggs?
Not anymore she doesn't. - Yes, she does!
Don't we get them at the store? - Forget it, you douche.
Mom?
It smells funny in here.
Paul?
Yes?
Are you alright?
Sure.
Have you been...
smoking weed?
So, why does it smell like a Jamaican brothel?
You know that smell? - Don't change the subject.
Yes, I smoked weed.
You're the one who wanted us to be wild again.
Great, I really feel wild
with you getting baked by yourself and I explain the smell to the kids.
Just great.
Playing "Risk" again?
It's games night.
I hate games night.
Come on, it's fun.
We're just scared of being adults.
But you're totally an adult.
Family and all.
And the peak of my weak is games night at Moni's,
karaoke at Dirk's and charades at Theo's.
Last weekend I nearly made jam, just to feel alive.
That's enough now. - Yes.
You two are my dream couple. - Sure.
He brings me flowers, pays me compliments,
massages my feet and then makes me come three times.
Dream on.
You're terrible.
What's going on here?
Don't know...
"Party!"
20 years ago, we'd have gone in. - Absolutely.
Wanna play "Risk"?
God, they're so young, I feel ancient.
Drink?
You think that'll help? - Of course.
OK...
What are you waiting for? - Come on.
Hurry up!
DJ... music!
Are you insane? - Someone passed it to me.
Want some? - Gets me all randy and I totally lose it.
Exactly what you need!
Sorry.
Man, this is great. - Yeah.
Beats games night at Moni's.
Why do they like this?
It's from our time, it was bad enough back then.
Damn it, I can't not dance to this.
It's embarrassing, but... hold this.
Check out the guy up there.
He keeps staring at me.
He's super cute.
Yes. Damn it.
He's coming over.
What do I do now?
Come.
Nobody home.
I'm the host.
I'm so sorry. We weren't invited...
We just wanted to take a look.
So I have and I need to leave because I'm...
married with three kids.
Wanna play?
You ready? Check it out...
OK, here we go.
Shit...
I've liberated Africa...
now I'm going to liberate Eurasia.
That's what they all want.
I'm Emilia. Emilia Mann.
And I'm Ruben. Ruben Jakobs.
I don't normally do this.
Do what?
Play Risk with strangers.
You don't?
I need to leave now anyway.
I never wanted to become this. I didn't think it was possible.
What?
Frustrated.
A frustrated old woman.
We were so free.
We knew everything.
My mom would go berserk if I showed my midriff in public,
Now I squirm at my daughter's pictures on Instagram.
Then some kid comments "slut face”,
and she thinks it's funny, "It's meta, Mom."
Do you say "slut face"?
No.
My husband once drove 800 km just to sleep with me.
Now the other side of the bed is too far.
800 km, then we had sex in his car like...
Which animals have sex in cars?
Car martens.
Car martens...
I used to be a car marten and now...
You're beautiful.
I... don't... - I know.
You don't normally do this.
Can we turn the lights off?
No way.
OK.
Paul, we need to talk.
I don't know how to tell you this.
Something terrible happened.
I don't know if you'll ever forgive me.
He was just so handsome,
then he sat there and I knew he smelled nice,
and all I wanted was...
It's all your fault!
Last time we had sex you turned to the TV for the sports results.
And you don't even like sports!
I had tears in my eyes when he told me I was beautiful.
I don't care if he says it to ten women a day.
Because I'm one woman you never say it to.
What don't I say? - Fuck!
Can't people lock the freakin' door?
You left it unlocked.
What's wrong?
I had a thing with another man last night.
A thing? - Sex.
At games night? - No.
With that sound engineer guy? - Of course not.
Who then?
Do you need a name? Who cares?
I'm entitled to know who my wife slept with.
Ruben Jakobs.
Ruben... Jakobs.
Searching for Ruben Jakobs...
Are you OK? - I almost believed you.
What do you mean?
Yes?
Not funny, you'll give me a heart attack.
Why wouldn't it be true? - Come on now.
You can't imagine a guy like that finding me attractive?
Sure... possible. I do too, but... - But what?
He did find me attractive.
Very attractive, in fact.
Hold on, you...
actually slept with another man?
Yes. Just once in 20 years.
Charles Manson also only butchered people once.
We never go out, we just watch TV and play charades.
But you love charades.
Maybe it was amusing 20 years ago.
I can't listen to this.
Great.
There you go. - Thanks.
Can I get two more, please?
All those years, she only pretended. To enjoy charades.
That's tough.
Really bad.
There's a simple formula to test your marriage,
I did a study on it.
Amount of intercourse minus the fights you have.
Result has to be positive.
How often do you have sex?
You mean per year?
Per week.
Per w...
Hard to tell, it depends.
On what?
On whether it's my birthday that week.
Oh well, on the plus side, at least you're free now.
I never felt not free.
Seriously now, what links do you two still have?
We have our three... - Apart from the kids.
You're right.
You're so right, she's awful.
She's all about the kids. - Mother hens are the worst.
Only cares about her looks. - Terrible.
Does yoga all the time. And Pilates.
She does have a great ass. - And you know what...
I mean...
She really does. - Yes...
You know what else she does?
She washes eggs before cooking them.
What right-minded person does that?
She also gets tangled up in the sheets,
then wakes up and blames me.
Then she realizes she was wrong and starts laughing.
She still has the same laugh.
So I start laughing too.
When we go out for a walk, we always walk in step.
It just happens, without even trying.
You complement each other... - ...pretty well, right?
You know what?
You should forgive her.
I think I should forgive her.
I forgive you!
Shut up!
And I forgive you too.
I forgive all of you.
Paul?
I forgive you.
What? - I forgive you.
I forgive you... - That's nice, but...
Jeez, get a room!
You're disgusting.
It's not what it looks like. - Not at all.
The neighbor. - Don't...
Fay, don't...
Hello, Mrs. Wemme.
That's... nice of you to come over.
Peggy, stop it!
How dare you...
Can't you use the zipper?
You tore it off.
Be careful. - Don't move.
I can finally breathe.
Maybe we both need room to breathe.
Maybe there's an expiry date for this thing.
This thing?
Our marriage. You and.
You don't love me anymore.
You know... love...
Isn't love cool anymore either?
It's not that.
If they brain-scanned me on if I love you, of course I'd say yes.
It's branded into me.
I'm Emilia Mann, I love my kids,
my husband, sunsets, the sea, dancing.
And my secret passion is dunking fries in ice cream.
So, what's the problem?
I just can't breathe anymore.
I'm not happy.
Is anyone happy?
I was last night.
So now...
you know you want to live with...
Ruben Jakobs... - No.
Not at all.
I just want to not know the future
and for anything to happen.
What would you actually miss?
20 years.
No one's going to take them from you.
Who are we if we're no longer the people who fell in love?
Just two people who have lived together for too long?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
But I want to find out again.
Let's take a break,
give each other space for a few months.
A few months?
Maybe everything will be different,
and we'll know who we are again.
A few months...
Take a step back, try new things.
With Ruben Jakobs.
No, the two of us.
I mean, each of us individually.
OK.
We have to tell the kids.
Do we?
You think they wouldn't realize I'm gone?
First, we wanted to talk one on one
but then we thought it's better all together,
clear and transparent...
What's transparent? - Plastic wrap.
Fay, please, this is serious.
Not seriously serious,
I mean, it's not really bad, is it, Paul?
So...
We're going to have a break.
You're getting a divorce. - No, not at all.
We just thought...
At our age, you got to take decisions before life's highway runs out of exits.
What?
What what?
What does it mean? Highways, exits...
Before it all comes down to one thing, you ought to be sure about it.
Comes down to what?
Death?
Who's dying? Dad?
Nobody's dying. I mean, not at this point...
I don't want you to die, at any point.
If we realize before we die there was just one route,
maybe you'd have wanted to try different ones
and not limit yourself to the one you chose back in the stone age.
That's why Daddy and I are taking a rest stop.
Daddy will find a cute apartment
and we'll go and explore.
You suck so bad.
I'm not visiting you in your cute apartment.
My family lives here.
Exactly.
You totally suck.
You taking this one? - Of course.
You haven't worn it in years.
You knitted it. - I know.
You had constant colds when Fay started day-care.
The virus must be... - ...sweated out.
My God, when she started day-care...
Fay was already angry then, now she's doing her finals.
Angry finals.
This is all a mistake, right?
We could just tell them it was a moment of madness.
You wanted a break, I've found a place, so let's do it.
I'm fine with it.
It's just a phase.
It'll pass. - Sure.
Bye, Daddy!
Bye!
Your turbot.
Kids!
Daddy!
Let's get some ice cream. - Cool.
Jonathan.
What? Why do you ask?
Yes, I've...
Yes, I've already defecated today.
Hello.
Here's a newbie.
Hello.
Excuse me?
Hi.
I'm here for the study by Dr. Jonathan Frese,
the examination.
Which one?
Prostate.
Sabine, the prostate finally arrived.
Take a seat.
I'll be with you in a moment. - OK.
Hello. - Hello.
Alright, the prostate?
Hello?
Yes?
Great.
Have you had SI in the last five days?
Sexual intercourse.
No...
No. Great.
Have you masturbated during that time?
Neither, that's great.
One sperm, one urine, bathroom's over there.
Have fun.
Sp... sperm?
So I'm supposed to... get myself... on my own...
I'm not going to do it for you.
Are we ready for the big race to start?
If you could expose the race track, please, Mr...
Study participant 23, Paul Mann.
What are you doing here? - Overseeing my study.
Wonderful, now I'll apply some lube,
to get the racer on the racing line.
We both don't want to have to deploy the safety car, right?
OK, pole position.
Relax, and it'll be a smooth start.
Now we're entering the North Loop...
onto the long straight...
applying the brakes
as we approach the chicane...
Just need to overtake one more... - Sure, go ahead.
And we've pulled into the pits.
Your exhaust is looking good.
Marie skipped sports class again.
Having fun in a café outside the school.
That's not OK.
Let's wait for Miss Schneiderhahn,
Marie's new class teacher.
We always strive for a team approach.
That's great.
I am so sorry.
Miss Schneiderhahn, how nice.
Well, then...
I guess you've heard?
Marie skipped her sports class. Again.
"This is what Goethe meant when he wrote,
'Parents should give their children two things -
roots and wings.
This was how Marie closed her last presentation.
It was brilliant.
Marie is so talented.
I know, and that's great,
but shouldn't we tell her...
You have a knack for a strong closing statement.
Your dad is Paul Mann, right? - Yes.
My favorite author.
And her mom's Emilia Mann. - You write too?
Mom was an actress. - "Was"?
It's understandable, having... how many siblings, Marie?
Not working, three kids... - Except I do work.
Great! - Yes!
Marie, is your father writing a new book?
Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Of course. - Thank you.
Principal...
Could you give us a short moment of privacy?
Just say you're on your period. - Excuse me?
I don't have them yet.
Daddy's scared my first time will be when I stay with him.
Your parents are divorced?
We're taking a break.
He's already bought a set,
including mini tampons.
I think he'll want to have a "now you're a woman" party,
with a vagina cake.
You have a wonderful dad.
And as for periods...
no one's going to check.
So, everything resolved? - Yes.
You're not serious?
I couldn't hear.
I should get back.
OK then, have a nice day.
See you, Marie.
I just got one word for you:
young women.
That's two words.
Not really, women mean problems:
stress, bills, who does the laundry?
Dry pussies, handjobs like an usher ripping off tickets...
But young women give you pleasure.
They look up to you.
They even laugh about your jokes when they don't get them.
They have soft, fresh, young skin
that smells of summer.
And you have sex all night, that's young women for you.
Then she's off to her lecture,
while I'm still 48 and scared stiff she'll go for a younger guy.
Like your wife?
Hey, hi...
Namaste.
Hi, hello.
You're interested in yoga, Mr...?
No, Paul.
Paul's interested in yoga?
No, I meant you can call me Paul.
Ah, I see, great.
Our beginner classes are Tuesdays and Fridays,
also for best-agers.
Here, for you. Antidepressants.
I got them prescribed after we got relegated.
Side effects:
chronic thirst, dry mouth, shaking,
loss of libido, erectile dysfunction.
Emilia, did you see how...
Hey, hit
Paul? Are you OK?
Awesome. So awesome...
Taking a break was an awesome idea.
Good to hear.
Can you call Maria's teacher, Miss Schneiderhahn?
Marie skipped sports class again, it can't go on like this.
Sure, awesome, I'll do that.
Why do you keep saying 'awesome'?
Paul?
Listen, |1 gotta go, I have lots of...
Who'd have thought life as a single woman over 40 isn't a hoot?
Can't you stop the sarcasm just once?
It's not sarcasm, it's the truth.
Being single won't kick-start your life, it'll just end it sooner.
I've done all the things you can do on your own.
I've been to the sauna, the movies, my favorite restaurant, a lake,
and everything was really great,
just the way I'd always imagined it.
Then you want to tell someone how great it is to be on your own...
but nobody's there.
See that?
Up there?
There's nothing there.
Exactly.
That's how much sympathy I have.
Why are you like this?
The man you kicked out... - I didn't.
...is my dad.
You left him just to take your dying estrogens on one last thrill ride.
It's a break, a phase, we'll laugh about it one day.
I hope Dad's having a good time at least.
IMPORTANT CONTACTS
Schneiderhahn.
Switch on Eurosport.
Who is this?
My daughter could never do that.
What are you talking about?
You know, there's more to people than their intellect.
Hold on, chronic thirst.
I'm going to hang up.
Marie needs more exercise.
Marie? Is this Marie's father?
Shit... - Hello?
Hello, are you still there?
Hello? Hello, who is this?
This is Miss Schneiderhahn, Marie's class teacher.
Is this Mr. Mann?
No...
You got the wrong number. - You called me.
Come to my office tomorrow and we can talk about Marie.
No...
Hello?
Hey...
This is Ruben.
Who? - From the party.
I was thinking
maybe we could go for a drink some time.
Give me a second.
Gotta check my schedule... yes...
I don't know but... tomorrow night?
Sure. Tomorrow night would be great.
Yes.
So, how's your mom?
Fay says she was crying yesterday.
She's feeling very lonely.
And how are you?
For me, as a man, it's much easier.
It's the hunter genes.
Dad.
You're not that type of man.
You're sensitive and vulnerable.
You feel bad...
You may be a 100-year-old sage
trapped in the body of a 13-year-old,
but I refuse to discuss my feelings with my kids.
Why not?
We're family. - You can tell us anything.
Alright, I'm feeling really low.
I'm alone all day and all night,
and I want to share all my thoughts with your mom.
I take antidepressants,
I put on ten pounds even though I don't like the food,
I cry uncontrollably and I can't sleep.
Thanks for asking.
Poor Daddy.
Maybe Mommy's phase will be over soon.
Yes, maybe.
Don't forget your bag.
There's Miss Schneiderhahn, you have to meet her.
Miss Schneiderhahn, my dad wants to meet you!
Sorry, no time, Marie.
Got to go.
Daddy...
No school for me today...?
Hurry up now.
Here's your bag.
Bye, Daddy. - Bye. Have a nice...
So you're Marie's dad?
Yes... looks like it.
I love your books.
They helped me become an adult.
We should definitely have a teacher-parent talk.
Definitely.
Call me.
You have my number.
Damn... damn...
Oh, and one more thing...
Yes?
Lieselotte's dad bailed on our school trip.
Are you available? Three days?
Bavaria, the Alps...
It's so lovely there.
Absolutely not.
"It's so lovely there"?
Well, it probably is quite lovely down there, in Bavaria.
And she's hot?
Some would call her an attractive young woman.
Who's "some"?
I guess people who are... - ...still alive.
You're not on Tinder, you don't go out,
but this super-hot teacher is taking you on a vacation?
It's a school trip. What's with the "teacher" thing?
Everyone knows teachers... - ...are often nymphomaniacs, according to studies.
You two are totally insane.
Whatever, once you have a new woman,
Emilia will come running back in a flash.
Nonsense.
It's true, women screw competitively.
You guys need therapy.
Scientifically, Theo is right. It's like the platypus.
If another female shows up, the original one copulates for days,
just to keep the new one away.
Emilia isn't a platypus.
There's no big difference, biologically.
Hey, what are you doing here?
This is really cool.
Is something wrong?
She said she wants it all out in the open.
She really called him her new boyfriend?
But, as she said herself,
if we don't like him, she knows there's no point.
Don't like him? I hate him.
Right.
I have a plan.
Daddy dresses up really nice.
He waits down in the street with a walkie-talkie and binoculars,
so he can follow the demise of his rival
in every last detail.
Ruben "The Pig" Jakobs
comes to suck up to us like a slimy slimeball.
Like a slug.
Down in the car, Daddy listens in as we totally destroy him.
Once we've incapacitated him,
in comes Bo to finish him off.
No... please don't...
Once he's gone,
a sobbing Mom realizes she messed up big time,
and Daddy arrives with a huge bouquet.
And all is well again.
You with me?
One for all, and all for one.
All for one.
OK? Roger.
I can hear you fine.
Roger? Roger.
What?
You need to say "roger” at the end. Roger.
This isn't a game, Bo.
Our family's on the line here.
Roger.
He's coming.
He's coming!
You got this, right?
Roger.
Roger!
Daddy? - Marie?
You have the walkie-talkie now?
Bo had to go to the loo.
Fine, you take over.
OK, I'll carry this ridiculous thing around then.
He's already knocking.
Hey... hi.
How are you?
You OK? - Yes, you?
So... these are my kids.
We have Fay, Marie... and our... uhm,
my youngest, Bo.
Hello. - So you're Mom's new carer?
Yes, that's my big girl.
You know what?
Let's not pretend it's normal for a new guy to turn up.
I'm the bad guy here.
I'm the intruder.
Your Dad's great, he's gone and I'm here.
And that sucks.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Watch out, Fay, it's a trap. Don't talk to him.
Hey, did you hear about the Sentinelese?
The tribespeople who killed the missionary?
Yes, and not only him,
they kill all foreigners, they butcher all that's not from there.
Only their tribe rules. - Awesome.
That's how they all used to do it.
Guess why there was only a couple 100 thousand people on the earth?
They were all chopping each other's head off.
Cool.
Then they'd fill the heads with sand and shrink them.
What the...?
You had a stroke or something?
What's all this got to do with you boning our mom?
What bone?
Well, Fay didn't mean it like that,
I mean, not literally...
It's more like...
When a man and a woman really like each other then...
What a nightmare.
OK, now it's my turn.
That's so cool.
That wasn't the deal.
You were going to destroy him.
It doesn't mean anything.
It was just this one night.
It doesn't affect how things are between us.
And you were smoking.
Mom said you used to smoke too. - No.
And not just herbs.
Yes. Briefly, a long time ago.
But never a pipe of peace with my mom's new boyfriend.
Ruben is merely a symptom.
What?
Yes, instead of fighting the symptom,
you need to use it to expose the root of the problem.
But she's my wife. - Then show her.
What are you doing? - Nothing, I'm...
You look... You look amazing.
Thank you.
I think we'd better go in, we're late. - Yeah, we should.
Happy birthday! - Thank you!
Cheers to all of you!
Heike.
Wow...
Happy birthday.
Thank you. Paul.
You look great.
Strange that it's easier with our kids than with our friends.
You really think it's easier with the kids?
They seem to be coping well.
So, how's it going with Ruben Jakob?
Jakobs.
How do you mean? I told you this isn't about him.
Yeah, right.
Here we go. - It's starting!
No way!
What are they doing?
She just asked what they're doing!
Headbanging. - What's that?
You shake your head and hair around like crazy.
What hair?
How old is your daughter?
Why do people think I'm his daughter? My dad looks totally different.
Exactly.
Check this out. We got inked.
Matching tattoos!
We just love each other.
Forever... and ever.
Sure. - Age is irrelevant. Right, babe?
Come on, let's dance.
No...
It's my birthday.
That's why we're all here, it's great.
Greeeeat!
Are you for real? It's a nightmare.
I'm officially on the scrap heap.
Nonsense. Look at you.
Yeah, look at me, Paul.
You still find me attractive? Be honest.
Of course.
I'm 50.
Do you still see a woman
or a bag of rotten meat?
Heike, you look...
awesome, amazing.
Paul?
Would you sleep with me?
Me?
Yes.
I...
I'm married... to one of your best friends, so...
Stop squirming. Would you fuck me?
What?
Would you give me a good fucking?
Bang, bang, bang.
Yes or no?
Yes...
I knew it!
You scumbag.
You're a scumbag, Paul.
Heike...
That was a mistake.
Heike says you want to fuck her.
Bang, bang, bang?
Should I have said |I don't want to go near her?
Asshole.
What should I have said?
Not that you want to give her a good fucking.
What do you care?
Sorry for having a sense of decency.
Sorry!
But it's fine to fuck a 20-year-old in my apartment!
In front of my kids!
He's not 20 and it's not your apartment. - But they're my kids!
You can't tell me shit anymore.
I can do what I want.
Everything's hunky dory, kiddies.
You're both free now, you should celebrate.
Celebrate? - Heike's right. Life begins now.
So I thought maybe you and I could...
What the fucking fuck is wrong with you all?
"Life begins now"? "Enjoy it"?
In 20 years, you'll either be dead or have Alzheimer's.
"Would you still touch me?”
"Do you find me attractive?”
Bang, bang, bang!
Just look at yourselves.
The answer is 'no'!
You look like shit.
Botox won't help.
Or embalming yourselves in anti-aging cream like mummies.
That's what you are: mummies!
Unfucked, overweight mummies with glitzy glasses and sneakers,
drinking algae protein shakes to lose weight.
But there are no pants for those asses and next step's the diaper anyway.
And who's she?
Who is she?
Who's this young, attractive woman on this shitty cake?
But you don't care for the truth.
All you care about are lies.
Big, fat, juicy,
filthy lies!
Tasty...
Damn it!
Yeah...
I may be at the end of my rope.
I mean...
my whole life's gone down the drain.
But it doesn't mean anything. Right, Emilia?
Ruben Jakobs means nothing?
Apart from you sleeping with him.
Even my kids say Ruben Jakobs means nothing. What's next?
My father telling me Ruben Jakobs means nothing
and he only adopted him "cause he's the son he always wanted?
But let's not spoil the mood.
So...
party on!
Well, well...
Oh Emilia, I forgot.
I want a divorce.
I think it's for the best.
Shut it, Heike.
This one's still open. - Karaoke.
Let's go in.
Come.
Hello.
In the fall through space and time
Towards infinity
Flying moths in the light
The same as you and |
Somehow the future starts
Somewhere deep within our hearts
I won't wait much longer
Love is made of courage
Don't think too long about it
We ride on wheels of fire
Straight through the night
Give me your hand
I'll build you a castle of sand
Somehow, somewhere, somewhen
Are you alright? - Oh fuck.
My first love?
That was Poldi.
When I was eight, I was allowed to choose a dog at the pound.
I fell in love with Poldi right away.
Poldi only had three legs.
I like damaged things.
So I'm the three-legged dog now?
Poldi loved life.
He scrapped,
he fought,
he suffered.
And when he made love, nothing else mattered.
For me, Poldi was perfect.
Just the way he was.
I have to go to school.
Good morning.
Good morning,
Miss Schneiderhahn.
About Marie...
I'm teaching her first up, then I'll tell her about us.
Sorry, I'm not the quickest in the morning.
I could also call the school and say I'm really sick.
And... I have to stay in bed, for at least three days.
Only in bed.
Or do you have other plans?
The difference quotient indicates the gradient
of the secant through points P11 cube and Q1 + H1 + H cube.
Who the hell understands that?
Stop stressing about your exams.
Why not?
Kids of divorcees are 3 times more likely to be prostitutes.
No exam needed. - What the hell?
It's a fact.
And you? - I'll write about my suffering.
You get to be a writer and me a hooker?
Sex worker. Some are very upmarket.
So many words I don't understand.
Marie says I'll sell my body because of the divorce.
What do you get for a body?
Maybe a thousand?
Wow, a thousand?
I'm in.
I don't think so.
Statistically, you're more prone to commit drug and theft offences.
Mom? Statistically, I'm more prone to commit drug and theft offences.
And Fay will sell her body.
Watch what you say in front of him.
Children of divorcees often disengage,
ranging from furious non-acknowledgment
to passive resignation.
Ruben?
I think the ancestors' spirits need a break.
If he has a nice dick too, I'm gonna kill you.
Out of envy.
He's so cute and manly
and sexy and vulnerable...
OK! - ...and handsome and innocent...
Did I say sexy already? - Yes.
He's definitely a sweetheart compared to Paul, who's gone nuts.
Give him a break, it's a tough phase.
Sure is.
I've only eaten salad for weeks.
Have you chosen?
I'll go for the lentils.
Tell the story again, Grandpa.
I was sitting on the streetcar.
And this young thing sits down opposite me.
I bet that was Grandma!
Yes, but I didn't know her then.
She looked cheeky and then...
cover your ears, children...
her skirt rode up.
Pure coincidence.
Carpaccio. Although raw meat is over.
Oh God, he's so hot, hot, hot.
What are you whispering about?
Nothing, we were just talking...
...about Chernobyl. - Yes.
Seriously? - Yes.
Awesome series, right?
For you Chernobyl's a series?
When I look at her today, I see those same cheeky eyes.
Like on that streetcar.
We're so lucky to have spent our whole lives together.
Little break.
Just a break?
You're so funny.
Look at your face.
What are you doing?
Just posting it quickly.
#Truelove.
Too late.
Oh God.
Mann.
Yes.
I'm his first emergency contact.
What?
Oh God.
Of course, on my way.
I have to go to the hospital.
Good God, what happened?
I'll kill you if you laugh.
Of course I won't.
It's a Viagra allergy!
I'll kill you when I can walk again.
You're lucky — of all things that can get you to an ICU... Just don't take it.
Step up your morphine a bit? - Yeah...
I just need to fill in your file.
Don't mind me.
How am I supposed to bang a 22-year-old without Viagra?
That's the morphine, it's like a truth serum.
I already throw in a whole evening but they just take pictures.
Ever taken a picture of your food?
Then they talk about plans.
They have all these plans...
So, I smile until my face aches.
I look into their eyes
and they look at me like they're taking a selfie.
Because they know how pretty they are.
So there I stand with my rubbered-up, semi-erection...
How could anyone do all that without Viagra?
I don't know.
Paul, you're my emergency contact person.
You, not one of the 29 women I slept with this year.
Hey, you'll find someone.
No, I won't.
I'll never have kids.
You had it all, then you shove those balls up your ass.
For medical reasons.
To train my PC muscle, and it was only one ball.
You should've brought Emilia breakfast in bed.
Or pleasured her orally.
You know, cunni... - Cunnilingus.
That's right.
When was the last time you did?
I have this neck pain. - Lame excuse.
Seriously, I write.
It makes my neck hurt.
Get licking, Paul. You gotta lick it.
So true.
My words.
Make 'em compliments, breakfast in bed,
kiss them on the neck, tell them they're beautiful and sexy.
Pay 'em compliments and be grateful.
Grateful for what?
For everything, for...
For the kids. You chump!
And grateful for her. You were a great couple.
Sexy, funny, you were perfect.
Why the hell did you shove those balls up your ass?
My PC muscle has to be great, my youth has to shine but you?
You can be old, you douche. - But...
Why didn't you tell me all this before?
Because he's a man.
How could any other way of life ever be better than his? - Yep.
You'll soon be divorced and only half a man.
I don't understand.
I don't know how else to say it.
I just wanted a man to find me attractive again.
But I do find you attractive. Very.
I know.
You can't be on vacation forever.
I was just a vacation to you? - No, not at all, but...
I never thought you'd fall in love with me.
Once I realized you had,
I knew it couldn't work.
Why not? - I was...
so proud because of you.
But proud and happy aren't the same thing.
I feel like the young girl in the movie
who helps the guy through his midlife crisis,
before he goes back to his wife.
And she takes him back?
Take care.
You too.
I'm not going to come up.
Then let's do it right here.
This is a public road. - Never bothered you before...
What do you mean?
You once drove 800 k just to do it in your car.
You read that too?
It got me so horny how you thought of fucking her the whole way.
Then you ripped off her panties with your teeth.
Come on.
Do it to me.
It seems the material is better these days.
Whatever, come here.
I want you. - Oh, sorry.
OK for you? - Yes.
Sorry.
You look like you're about to take a selfie.
No, I...
can't do this.
I...
I don't want it to be like it was or like in my books.
I don't want to relive old memories, I want new ones.
I want to live in the present.
We're in the present.
We can have sex anywhere, we can do anything.
No...
No, we can't.
Hey, Emilia.
We barely know each other.
Yet.
Either way, I made you a tape.
Only songs that make me think of you.
Right, so...
I hope you like it.
Let's go back to bed.
He needs this right now.
ADD NEW POST
We weren't naive like the hippies,
or disillusioned like the punks.
We were cool and knew it all.
The future? We invented it.
Dude, you know Paul Mann?
Nope.
He's a writer, he was big 20 years ago.
Haven't heard much from him since.
He just posted this on Facebook.
"We weren't naive like the hippies,
or disillusioned like the punks.
We were cool, we knew it all.
The future? We invented it.
Cell phones, internet, blogs, solar energy.
They promised us eternal youth.
Forever young.
That's what we were: forever young.
Forever music TV,
forever Mr. Vain,
Rhythm is forever a Dancer.
Hyper hyper!
We smell like teen spirit.
We always lived in the present.
We forgot about time.
But time didn't forget us.
We have wrinkles, rings and rings around our eyes.
Two glasses of wine is a two-day hangover.
Our knees hurt, did we even have knees before?
Before.
When all we feared were rockets and Chernobyl.
No fear of heart attack
or creeping hairlines.
Of sagging testicles and breasts, double chins,
varicose veins, warts,
prostates, menopause.
What is that?
Restless, we count our wrinkles in the mirror.
But you don't live life in the mirror.
Life means getting old.
We forget things but not the lyrics to "Dreams”.
Maybe it was all a dream.
And now we're old.
Forget the past.
Youth is not eternal.
Only what we carry in our hearts is eternal.
We're old, we die.
Life goes on.
Love goes on.
Fucking awesome.
Mann. - Great stuff, Paul.
Awesome. - What?
Totally awesome. It's exactly what we all needed.
What time is it?
Paul, you've gone viral.
Everyone's writing about you.
Finger on the pulse, says NYTimes.com.
That Facebook post, you tell it how it is!
We all suffer in silence from the embarrassment,
then you come and rescue us. - OK...
I get up three times at night to pee,
my ass looks like mincemeat,
but we're not ashamed thanks to you!
Listen to this.
Here we are.
Avril Lavigne tweeted she has varicose veins,
Vanilla Ice has hair in his ears
and Geri Halliwell has wrinkels in places that didn't even exist before.
Avril Lavigne has grown old?
We'll make a book out of this.
To comfort all the Generation Xers who got old all of a sudden.
First I need to go get divorced.
Sorry to hear that.
We'll do the book when you're done.
My client requests an immediate divorce
on grounds of exceptional hardship.
My client denies any exceptional hardship
but we agree to an immediate divorce.
Excellent. Now let us discuss the division of assets.
Firstly... - Excuse me.
Yes? - The exceptional hardship...
Does your client refer to another man living in our family home?
That is correct.
That's no longer the case.
But it was.
Mrs. Mann, that doesn't matter at this point.
I know.
I just wanted to say that.
Excellent. No marriage agreement was signed,
the marital partners lived in a shared-gains partnership.
I would like to point out
that my client financed the lion's share of their current shared property.
He should not be the one to suffer.
I guess...
Yes.
SEVEN MONTHS LATER
Some critics saw it as a literary rebirth.
It's starting, honey!
I'm delighted he could join us.
Welcome, Paul Mann.
Mom, quick! Dad's on!
Coming. - So, how did it happen?
I was going through a rough phase when I wrote that post.
You thought your career was over?
No, my career really was over.
Then that post changed everything.
Now everything's fine and you're super-happy?
Yes and no. - Yes and no?
Success is great,
but it's not everything and we forget that sometimes.
So what really is important?
For you?
The post originally had a different ending,
but it was too personal.
It had a different ending?
What was it?
As I said. Too personal.
It's just us. - Yeah, right.
I'd love to hear it. - OK...
Relax. Paul's doing great.
So here comes...
...what really matters.
You brought the book with you?
Just my notebook.
Without this book, I'm just half of a whole.
Emilia?
This is for you.
First we were dreamers, Emilia,
then we thought we'd missed out on something.
We...
tried out different things.
We pretended we were students again.
But that didn't make us happy either.
There's nothing else I want to do,
I spent all day dreaming of you, Emilia.
You...
You grew up with me.
You shared your life with me.
You gave me eternal youth,
a boy who wants to know it all.
Who's that? - ...a girl who already knows it all,
And a young lady who's always angry.
Even if we're old, we'll live on
because we've created these wonderful creatures.
Thank you, Emilia.
I don't care if we're married or not,
and I don't want to go back to where we were before.
But there's one thing I would really like.
You falling in love again.
With me.
Because you're...
the most wonderful person I've ever met.
I realize that now,
now that you're gone.
We won't get the time back.
Or the days.
But every single second is new.
If we don't forget that,
if we're grateful...
for every moment, every smile,
grateful for others and ourselves,
we can be happy.
That happiness...
I'd like to share it with you.
If you'd like that too,
then say...
yes.
Yes.
Wow, that's so cheesy.
I'm sure Fay finds it incredibly cringy.
But I don't.
It really is time for bed. - You ditched us, so we're free.
OK, you win.
What's wrong with you guys? - What do you mean?
You look so... different.
What's with the funny grin?
As if you're happy or something.
Could be.
Don't tell me you're naked!
No. - You can't want another baby!
They're far too ancient. It's just sex for the fun of it.
As if! - Do old people still have sex?
Ever seen Dad jogging?
How does sex work anyway?
Not much like jogging for sure.
You need to be able to move though.
Dad can't even do a somersavult. - Mom does yoga.
Yoga for Mom is lying on her back.
Good enough for sex.
But why do people have sex if they don't even want a baby?
OK, heard enough. - Bye.
Did they just switch it off?
Are they having sex now? - Yuck, no!
No way.
IT'S JUST A PHASE, HONEY