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[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Joyelle, I know you're getting ready,
but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your special.
But I also know that today is also your birthday,
so happy birthday.
- Hey, Joyelle. It's me, Maria Bamford,
just leaving you a message
from what looks like the inside of a women's prison.
- It's your Uncle George Wallace.
Guess what? It's time for you to do your thing.
- I'm so excited for your first special.
- You are amazing, and talented and smart,
one of the funniest women I know out there.
- I remember when I first moved
to America back in 2007,
you were a little fetus back then.
Came on stage with your umbilical cord still wrapped
around your waist, and look how far you've come.
Now you're doing a freaking special.
- You came and did stand-up here.
You rocked the house, so much so
that the house just left
and never came back.
Look.
- They're ready for you,
and I know you're ready for them.
- Just do your thing, mate. You know what to do.
- You're going to go kill it dead, hon.
You're gonna nail it to a cross.
- You got this, buddy.
- You hit 'em hard. Don't be scared
of those Waka Flockas.
- You're going to slay, mama, gag, sickening.
Yes. Do it.
- And there's no way it won't be wonderful.
My hands are shaking.
I'm a bag of bones and a hank of hair.
- Get that hair big.
Get them titties out.
- Brown titty power in effect!
- Knock 'em dead. - Love you. Have fun.
- Muah. Love ya.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for the birthday girl,
Joyelle Nicole Johnson!
[cheers and applause]
[Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock's "Joy and Pain" playing]
- ♪ Like sunshine and rain ♪
♪ Joy and pain ♪
♪ Sunshine and rain ♪
- Thank you, guys, for coming to my birthday party.
[cheers and applause]
Yes. Thank you guys for supporting live comedy,
from the bottom of my heart.
I'ma say that.
Yes.
There have been a bunch of sad clowns in the house
for a year and a half, so that's not good for society.
I moved from New York down to Georgia last summer
to save the democracy.
You're welcome, bitches.
Oh, yeah. It was me.
It was me. It's me and Stacey Abrams
on a Black female Mount Rushmore.
You can't tell me nothing.
I moved down to vote, but also obviously
to get a gun because
when in Rome.
And by Rome, I mean Rome, Georgia.
You register to vote there.
Comes with a Smith & Wesson.
I be strapped everywhere.
It's the law down there.
I be strapped at Whole Foods.
That's a weird place to be strapped.
You ever buy gluten-free bread with a Glock 9mm in your hand?
Oh, yeah. I'm like, "Is this what having a penis feels like?
because I'm so confident."
Yeah. I moved down there.
It's so good to be down in Georgia.
The south has made me hard. I'm a gun owner now.
But it's also made me soft.
I say, "Good morning" to people.
I'm a Jersey girl. We don't do that
above the Mason-Dixon.
And I brought that back up to New York City, oh man.
People say New Yorkers are tough.
You want to scare a New Yorker?
Smile, look 'em in the eyes, and say, "Good morning."
They will think you're about to rob they ass.
Only thing worse, somebody asked me for the time once.
I said, "I will Mace you in your face.
What time is it?
Where is your cell phone?"
I miss traveling. The last place I went
before everything went down was to Burlington, Vermont.
Yeah.
I don't know if anybody's ever been there.
Just to sum it up, there were more Black Lives Matter signs
than Black lives.
It was a weird place to be.
I got off that flight. I said,
"Is this north of the wall?
What's happening right now?
A lot of White Walkers."
I'm used to being the only Black person somewhere,
but on the flight to Vermont, I was the only young person.
I thought it was the flight to Heaven.
I'm looking around like, "There is a layover
"in Burlington, right?
"I'm getting off this plane.
"Why are y'all in the sky?
You cutting out the middle man?"
They was old, old.
They wasn't regular old.
They sat me next to a 90-year-old White lady.
Why do I know that? Because she told me.
I didn't ask her a question, okay?
I sat down. She said, "I'm 90." I said, "I'm Black."
I don't know what's happening right now.
Why are we stating our demographics?
Is this the census?
She was a chatty 90,
[mimics gunshot]
Chatty 90. I thought she was trying
to get all her words out before the end.
I said, "Since we chatting,
I ain't know you could fly that old."
I didn't. Why are we showing ID at the airport
if anybody can get on the plane?
You're not allowed to fly a certain amount of pregnant,
right?
Yeah, that's on sight.
90? That's the end of the third trimester of life.
Why is she on the plane with me?
I'm not a doctor, Delta, but death is crowning.
I see it.
She was just telling me stuff I didn't ask.
Letting me know she was going to visit her big sister.
She turned me into an owl.
I said, "Who is your big sister?"
I was so mad. You got a big sister?
Black people die at 42. You got a big sister?
Oh, White people just be living for no reason.
Oh, my goodness.
[applause]
Stressing me out.
Just talking and talking, telling me stuff I didn't ask.
Here's the thing. She didn't know how to talk
to a young Black person because at one point--
I'm not making this up--
she started naming Black people she could remember.
That got awkward real quick 'cause she 90.
She don't know no new Blacks.
She was hitting me with throwBlacks.
At one point, she said, "Do you know Ella Fitzgerald?"
Ella Fitz--
Girl. First of all, how dare you?
Of course I know who Ella Fitzgerald is.
She said, "Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole
are my favorite singers."
I wanted to end that conversation.
So I was like, what can I say to this White woman
to make her not talk to me anymore?
I got it. Since we talking about favorites,
you know Harriet Tubman?
And Nat Turner? They may favorite slaves.
You don't want to talk anymore, do you?
She said, "No. Moses is my favorite slave."
You know what? Um--
How you gonna out-slave me?
That is rude.
Moses was a great slave.
Yeah I moved down to Georgia
last year with my boyfriend,
which I never thought would happen
'cause I don't like to hear men speak.
I'm heterosexual, but it's against my will.
Yeah. The Evangelicals lied to me, all right?
They said it was a choice. I wish it was a choice.
I would choose women right now.
Yeah. I just don't have the tongue strength,
but I'm working on it. All right?
Yeah, I'm doing tongue and Kegel exercises every day.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm spelling out the alphabet like--
[wagging tongue]
I'm switching teams on you hos.
We had a vice president that believed in conversion therapy.
Yeah. Had everybody all upset.
I was on his side.
Let's do this, Mike.
Let's convert 'cause both of us are being something
we don't wanna be.
Like, let's do this conversion therapy
'cause I understand the yin and yang of life.
You convert one way, you got to convert the other way.
I want to be converted to gay, okay?
I want to be strapped to a chair
by a bunch of bitches in Birkenstocks.
Just holding up pictures of dicks, ringing a bell
and punching me in my face.
Get this urge out of me.
I'm willing to go Pavlovian for it.
It's so natural.
My boyfriend is a good guy.
We got together March 1st of 2020.
Yeah, I don't know.
March 1st of 2020, after me being single for 17 years.
Yes, absolutely ridiculous.
We dove right off the deep end, and it was beautiful
Three months in, he looked me in my eyes.
He said, "Joyelle, I love you."
I said, "Cool."
We need a couple's therapist stat.
We do. Get you a couple's therapist.
I tell everybody, "Get you a couple's therapist.
It's like hiring a parent for your relationship."
We get into arguments.
I say, "We don't got to talk about that right now
'cause I'm telling Dad on Friday at 6:00pm."
People were judging me, just like,
"Why do you need a couple's therapist?
You're only three months in." Oh, just one little reason.
I'm in an interracial relationship
during a pandemic race war,
that's all, you know.
Just the little things.
Yeah. My boyfriend's half White, half Asian.
Yeah, two groups that love Black people.
I quizzed him.
I ask him questions that I know the answer to just to see
if he knows the answer to 'em.
I mostly like to ruin his White peace.
He be minding his business making peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches, just enjoying his life.
I come into the kitchen, "Pop quiz, hotshot.
Which side of your family will be more disappointed
you're dating a Black woman?"
Without skipping a beat, he said "The Asian side."
Up top! You understand the ubiquity of colorism.
I'm so proud of him in that moment.
And I know that sounds harsh, but listen.
It got proven to us, all right?
February, it was Chinese New Year.
We called his grandparents in Taiwan,
Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua.
He FaceTimed them.
They don't speak any English,
so he was just mostly waving.
He said, "You want to meet Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua?"
Hell yeah, I want to meet Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua!
Question is, do Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua want to meet me?
He didn't preface them or anything, okay?
I sat down in front of that camera.
His poor grandmother couldn't even hold her face.
She was just like.
She looked like a Chrissy Teigen GIF.
I got mad at him.
I was like, "Dude, are you kidding me right now?
You just spring this on them?
You can't surprise people like that."
His grandfather is going to be 100-years-old this year.
You can't spring a negro on people born
before World War II. Are you kidding me right now?
You trying to kill them?
We are going to Taiwan this year
for his grandfather's 100th birthday,
and I can't wait to go to the country
and have everybody think I'm Beyoncé.
I will not--yeah. [applause]
I'm not correcting a single person.
"Do you take pictures?" "Yes."
Oh, he's such a good guy.
Couple's therapy has been so freaking great, man.
I made sure to get somebody that can relate to both of us.
I got a guy that is half White, half Black.
Strategic, right?
So he could relate to both of us.
Only problem is, I got ADD, so for the first two sessions
I wasn't paying attention. I was just trying to figure out
which one of his parents was the Black one.
I'm happy to report I got to the bottom of it.
Whenever one of us says something really sad,
he'll just be like, "Mm, mm, mm."
Survey says Black mama. That's what you know.
Yeah. You can hear that in the throat.
[applause]
- It's crazy 'cause you got to get yourself a therapist.
Like, one thing I learned in my individual therapy
is that I'm not good at jobs.
I'm not. You got to work that out about yourself.
I quit every job I wasn't fired from.
I left a temp job one day
because the printer ran out of toner.
I said, "I can't work under these conditions."
They said, "Joyelle, you're supposed to change
the printer toner. Well then, I quit. I don't--
I'm already answering this phone.
So I know I'm not good at work.
My boyfriend is really good at work.
He didn't skip a beat in the pandemic
because he works remotely, and I lost everything
because I'm a professional comedian.
You know, so he's working every day,
and I was smoking joints and twirling
in tutus in the living room,
so contributing to society that way.
Yeah, yeah. And it occurred to me,
I was like, "Oh, shit. He might leave me."
So I accidentally resorted to 1950s gender roles.
I'm coming out the kitchen like, "I made you a sandwich.
"I ironed your boxer briefs.
Do you want to choke me?"
I been watching "Mad Men." I don't know how to keep a man.
How do these relationships stay together?
He quizzes me, too,
'cause he know I don't be paying attention.
He quizzes me about his job because he has a job.
I don't know what he does, but he has a job.
He's gainfully employed so he'll quiz me as a reminder,
asking me things about his job he knows I don't remember.
He'll just be like, "Joyelle, what does API stand for?"
I'm like, "I don't know what IPA stands for,
so why are you throwing these Anglo-Saxon acronyms at me?"
"But, Joyelle, my Scrum Master is a Black woman."
Your Scrum Master is a Black woman?
Are you a sex worker? What's happening right now?
Do you work at Dungeons and Dragons?
He said, "No, I'm a product owner."
Is the product cocaine?
I don't know what you do for a living.
But it pays the bills. Yeah.
I can spot other people that aren't good at work
'cause game recognize game.
For example, people born rich, not good at work.
We got to stop shaming rich people into getting jobs.
They're not good at them.
Just let them be rich, okay?
Yeah. Trump got a job. We see what happened.
Yeah. That man wanted to play golf and pee on prostitutes.
We should have just left him in peace.
Yeah. Yeah, no. Let the rich be rich.
Kim Kardashian is trying to become a lawyer.
I blame that on society.
She's already fucked enough Black dudes
into the sunken place.
I don't want her to legally send them to prison.
That's all I'm trying to say.
Let her take selfies and post them on Instagram.
She's lowering the bar on the bar.
Yeah. Rich people aren't good at work.
I know this firsthand because I used to teach rich
anxiety-filled Jews on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
Yeah. When I told my Jewish friend that, he said,
"Those are just Jews, Joyelle.
You didn't need all those extra words."
Touche, Noah.
When I taught these children,
I knew that the children are not the future,
at least not these ones.
They were terrible people.
They were too rich. The schools was zany.
It was like it was on a movie set, okay?
It made absolutely no sense.
It was all one-on-one instruction. Right?
They were able to make their own schedules.
They would Seamless their lunch.
I was their private yoga instructor
for middle school and high school gym.
So they couldn't even answer regular questions.
My first student, first day,
I asked her how much exercise she gets.
She looked me in my soul,
and she said, "Well,
my mother purchased four apartments
on the top floor of our building.
She made them into one large apartment,
and I walk around that.
Does that count as exercise?"
First of all, I don't appreciate how much bass
you have in your voice, you little bitch.
You're 12 years old.
I'm all squared up.
I was like, "You trying to fight?"
Second, that don't really count as exercise.
But instead of yoga, I should probably teach you how to box
because you're going to get your ass kicked
talking to people in the streets like this.
What's wrong with you? I asked you a simple question.
You whip your dick out
and smack me in the forehead with it.
Nobody asked you how rich you are.
I know how rich you are. I Zillowed the apartment
at the parent-teacher conference, okay?
Chill out. I don't want her to get a job.
She ain't going to be good at nobody's job.
The only thing she's maybe going to contribute
to society-- I thought about it--
she going to be a high profile kidnapping case
that somebody writes a book about,
that gets made into a movie. I will play the lead detective.
Hashtag, goals.
Yeah. She wasn't the worst one.
The worst one was one of these little boys.
He had a last name, first name and a first name, last name.
Yeah. So you knew he was going to be a menace
from birth certificate.
He found out I was a comedian one day.
He came skipping up to me in the halls all excited.
"Joyelle,"
because of course they called us by our first names.
"Joyelle, do you want to know how I play pranks on my dad?"
This better be good, Rutherford.
He was like, "No, no, no. Listen. It's good. It's good.
I go to his walk-in closet, like all the way in the back.
I like to get his suits out.
I get them retailored to fit me.
Then I put them back in his closet,
and he hates that when he find it.
Isn't it hilarious? Ha ha."
I was mad 'cause that's kind of funny.
Like, what in the Jewish Johnny Knoxville
are you doing over there?
One of these rich people pranks
I'll never be able to play on anybody.
I also said, "You know what would be funnier?
Let's rob that nigga."
[applause]
Let's rob him! Give me the keys to the safe.
Let me know when y'all leave for the Hamptons.
Let's do this, Ruthy. It could be an inside job.
You want Rutherford to get a job?
He is going to fraud someone out of millions of dollars.
He's a walking Fyre Festival waiting to happen,
and I want to be his Ja Rule.
- I taught the richest of the rich
and also the poorest of the poor.
I was a substitute teacher in South Central Los Angeles.
Yeah. The school was rough, you know.
I would get, like, threatened by the children.
And I never pay any attention to the threats.
It's, like, 12 and 11-year-olds.
Until I took another flight,
and a young Black dude started talking to me,
and he found out I was a comedian and he got excited.
He was like, "Oh. You been on TV?"
At that point, I hadn't yet. I was like, "No, I haven't."
He said, "I've been on TV."
Go on.
He said, "I was on an episode of "American Gangster."
They profiled my father. You want to watch it?"
Absolutely.
He hands me his iPod Touch,
to give you an idea of how long ago this was.
I watched this episode.
It is an episode of "American Gangster,"
profiling this man's father.
His father was guy named "Monster" Kody Scott.
Yes. He was one of the junior lieutenants of the Crips.
Yeah. For those of you that don't know,
Crips are gang members in America.
They murder people.
Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. They do.
His father dropped out of middle school
when he was 11 years old and murdered his first person.
Yeah. They did B roll of the middle school.
It was the middle school I was teaching at
in South Central Los Angeles.
Yes.
So I said, "When that kid said he was going to kill me,
he meant that shit?"
I should probably work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Crazy. And what I realized is rich kids,
poor kids, same issue.
They both need hugs from their parents.
Neither one of them were getting them, you know?
And I got through that in therapy.
I'm so freaking happy about it.
I got through my mommy issues and my daddy issues.
I got daddy issues.
My dad was a deadbeat dad,
but he was a doctor.
Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah.
Having a deadbeat dad that's a doctor
is like somebody giving you your dream car
with no engine in it.
Like, this is just an empty shell.
He was an OBGYN.
Specialty?
Abortions.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I still made it,
so I guess you're not good at your job.
Got you, bitch!
How are you an abortion doctor?
You got kids you don't want. That's weird.
His specialty was abortions,
and I think that's why to this day
I'm an abortion rights stan.
I fight for women's reproductive rights.
[cheers and applause] Yes.
We gotta make sure what happens in Texas
does not spread to the rest of the country,
so make sure about that.
Man, listen.
I fight for women's reproductive rights
because I've had an abortion.
I'll scream it from the rooftops.
I want to make sure no woman is ashamed of that word, okay?
Yes. Yes. [applause]
Do not be ashamed of having an abortion.
Maybe be ashamed about how you got pregnant.
I got pregnant the classy way,
on the floor
of an Amtrak train
in the handicap restroom.
Yes.
Go hard or go home.
I know y'all are judging me. Don't worry. I was on top.
And I just propose this. You having sex on the floor
of an Amtrak train in a handicap restroom,
maybe you're not ready to be a mother.
All right? Just, yay, choice.
I found out something weird about my dad later in life.
One of my cousins called me.
She was on a dating website, and she was on Match.com,
OkCupid, all that stuff. She called me one day.
She was like, "Look. I don't know how to tell you this,
but I think I found your father on this dating website."
I'm like, "What, girl? Which one? Match?"
No, SugarDaddy.com.
That's a real website, in case anybody needs a sponsor.
Yeah. I was like, "What, girl?
Send me that link."
She sends me the link. Sure enough,
Dr. Deadbeat is on SugarDaddy.com.
First thing I noticed about his profile,
he's lying about his age.
In real life, 83.
SugarDaddy.com, 52.
Oh, yeah. Black don't crack, but calm down.
Yeah. I think the jig is up
when you suggest a 4:00pm date at Denny's.
She's going to know something is afoul.
I thought about it. There's a place you don't got to lie
about being 80, isn't it SugarDaddy.com?
What gold digger wants a 50-year-old sugar daddy?
That is a long-term commitment.
Fifty-year-old sugar daddy, 30-year mortgage.
Eighty-year-old sugar daddy, month-to-month lease.
What are you doing?
[applause] Just lie the opposite way.
Go 80, 90, 106. You get all the bitches.
So I figured my dad needed some advice.
So I log onto the website, made a profile for myself
and I sent my deadbeat dad a message,
inviting him to join ActualDaddy.com.
Yeah. I'm like, I'm so freaking happy
I got through my daddy issues, got through my mommy issues.
I was raised by a nurse.
Anybody raised by a nurse in here?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what loneliness is.
Cool.
They work all the time, right?
A nurse will never stop working.
They're the best people. They're so good at work.
But the problem is, my mother also grew up
in the projects of Brooklyn, you know?
So if I wasn't bleeding from a gunshot wound,
she had no patience for me as a child.
I was asthmatic in the 80's.
That wasn't a cute look, you know?
I'm coming up to my mother, like, "Mommy."
[inhaling]
She said, "Take a nap. I'm watching 'Caddyshack.'"
It's a true story. My mother was pregnant with me
while she was watching the movie, "Caddyshack."
Her water broke, and she finished
watching the movie, "Caddyshack."
She wonders why she has a comedian
with asthma as a daughter.
I'm like, I'm pretty sure you lost oxygen in the womb.
Whatever.
My mother sent me to asthma camp.
Yeah, yeah. That's a real place
run by the American Lung Association,
that my mother found before Google.
So resourceful.
She sent me away,
and I didn't trust it because I was a smart kid.
So this was around the time in school
we were learning about the Holocaust.
I was like, asthma camp?
I didn't take a shower for two weeks.
I love it. I love you guys.
I know you're wondering what we did in asthma camp.
There was no running, or jumping or swimming.
We made so much God's eye, I became a guilty Catholic.
We had a sing-along once,
and the kid next to me passed out.
I gave him mouth-to-mouth, but then I passed out.
The kid that gave me mouth-to-mouth passed out.
It was a vicious cycle. The last kid died.
Nurse mama.
So she's retired now,
which means she works part-time.
You know?
She's still working. She's working
with the older people now in the geriatric wing.
And she told me a colorful story
of an older White lady,
who suffers from dementia, which is not funny at all.
The funny part to me is that she is a racist.
My mother said every other day,
she'll just come up to her because she's in a loop.
She's stuck in a loop. She has dementia,
and so all she remembers is that we had a Black president.
She'll tell my mother every other day,
"Barack Obama ruined the country,
and Al-Qaeda is going to get us."
You know who else is going to get you before Al-Qaeda?
Time, bitch. You are 90 years old.
You have a big sister in Burlington, Vermont.
It's so weird. I asked my mother
if she messes with her. Nurse, good person, good heart.
She's like, "What? Mess with her?
Like, what? What are you talk about?"
I was like, "I'm a comedian. I'm an asshole.
I would mess with her every day.
She's a racist that doesn't remember anything?"
I'm playing Barack Obama's inauguration on loop,
all right?
She doesn't know what YouTube is.
Coming up to her in the hallway like, "Hey, Weezer."
That's the nickname I gave her.
Like, you don't remember your only son was gay
and married that Black man? You don't remember that?
Well, it must suck for every day that I remind you of it.
Yeah. Yeah.
And last but not least, in a weird turn of events
this woman is my biggest inspiration in life.
Do you know how dedicated to racism
you have to be to forget your family and your name,
but remember that you hate Black people?
[applause]
- We should all have a racist level of dedication
to something.
You, too, can storm the capitol.
- Got to get through therapy.
Therapy is the theme, man.
I'm so happy I'm getting through it, man.
And I know, like, part of my therapy.
I know things about myself, like, I wasn't good at dating.
I wasn't good at being a roommate.
I'm not good at that at all.
The way I found out is because I've been Maced twice.
Y'all judging me?
Mace me once, shame on you.
Mace me twice, I should probably shut the fuck up.
I talk a lot of shit.
Dedicated to the proposition.
The first time I got Maced was not my fault, all right?
I grew up in New Jersey. I used to love roller-skating,
and we'd go to the roller-skating rink
in the early 90's.
This was before WorldstarHipHop.
Fights would break out occasionally.
You going to run towards that fight.
We ran to the fight one day.
Cops Maced the whole crowd. Not my fault.
Second time, I earned that shit.
I earned it.
I moved in with a roommate I met off Craigslist.
I don't have a paper trail. I can't be signing leases.
All right?
I moved in with this roommate, and I got super excited
'cause he was a gay Black dude.
I was like, "Oh, gay Black dude, Joyelle.
♪ We go together like rama, lama, lama ♪
Only problem is, he was a cunty gay dude.
Yeah, yeah, not the fun gay.
He was a cunty gay.
He didn't like me.
Yeah, that's weird.
And he made me-- he let me know it, too, right?
What I realized is, he wanted my money
but he didn't want me to stay there, right?
So he wanted my check. I wrote the check. It cleared.
I'm staying, all right?
I was a stand-up comedian on the road. The check cleared.
This could be "American Horror Story: Murder House."
I'm still staying 'cause I don't have no more money.
So the first week in, he was like, "We need to talk."
Okay.
He started, "The reason I don't like you"--
You know this is going to be a productive conversation.
He said, "The reason I don't like you
is because you come into the kitchen
in the morning talking about "Good morning, darling,"
like you on Broadway."
I was confused because I said,
"Don't gay dudes like Broadway?"
What are we talking about right now?"
Mike Pence went to go see "Hamilton."
He can't even help himself.
That was a great laugh.
So freaking weird. So from then on,
he just kept doing stuff to make me uncomfortable.
He would just come into my room whenever he felt like it,
without asking.
He threw my checks in the garbage that came in the mail.
The biggest thing he did was lock me out of the bathroom.
The bathroom was in his area of the apartment,
so he locked me out of the bathroom
because I pee a lot, okay?
I got the bladder of a Shih Tzu puppy with a UTI.
Like, I pee all the time. And he hated it
'cause I would just be coming into his living space,
and so he would lock me out of the bathroom.
And that's akin to torture, okay?
He locked me out of the bathroom so much--
I'm not proud of this--
I had a bowl in my room that I would pee in.
Yeah. I would just be squatting over, berating myself, like,
"Bitch, you have a bachelor's degree
"from Boston College.
"You should probably kill yourself after this pee,
"or figure out how to get a Japanese business man
to pay you to do this shit."
#OnlyPans
He found the pee bowl.
Yeah, because he would just come in the room.
He found the pee bowl, and he got so paranoid
he thought I was peeing on everything in the apartment,
like a territorial terrier.
He was so freaking paranoid. I'm so happy
I caused his paranoia 'cause I hated him.
So one day, I came home and he just stopped me at the door,
absolutely livid.
"My dish rag smells like urine."
I said, "That sounds like a personal problem.
What you want me to do about it?"
He's like, "You peed on my dish rag, didn't you, bitch?"
Peed on your dish rag?
No, I didn't pee on your dish rag.
I'm a grown-ass woman. You accusing me
of peeing on your dish rag?
I poured my pee onto your dish rag.
[applause]
And all of your dishes.
How else am I supposed to get the pee bowl clean?
You did this to us. All right?
So he Maced me in my face.
That's how that relationship ended.
Just as low escalation to the Macing.
We actually Maced each other.
That's what happened. It's weird.
It was a weird standoff, like we was at the O.K. Corral.
He Maced me, and then just, like,
ran off into the distance.
It was like a jazz run.
And I was fully Maced.
I had to call the cops. I couldn't see anything.
And all the cops came in Brooklyn at night,
I guess because it was a slow night
and they just wanted to see the Mace-face bitch.
And they just kept pacing me.
They were all circling me. I'm almost 6-feet tall.
I couldn't see, but I could sense their energy.
Every cop in Brooklyn is, like, 5'6",
for some reason,
and they were tiny and angry, and angry and tiny.
And the reason was 'cause they thought
it was domestic violence,
and cops do not like domestic violence.
I said that wrong. Cops pretend
that they do not like domestic violence.
Get it together, Blue Lives Matter.
So they were just pacing me angrily, shouting at me.
I couldn't see nothing.
They were like, "Why did he Mace you? What happened?
Were y'all sleeping together? Is that why he Maced you?
Was that your boyfriend? Is this domestic violence?"
I was like, "No, he's gay." And they all stopped.
And one of them said, "You know what?
We was wondering what type of straight dude
would Mace a bitch."
This cop saying a real man punches a woman in the face?
What the hell?
Had to call the 9-1-1 on 9-1-1.
I was so nervous.
So I got through that. Therapy.
Therapy! Yes! And I know.
I know I'm not good at relationships.
I'm so happy to be off the market
'cause I was just not good at it.
It wasn't anything good happening
for me in relationships. You know, I didn't like
when dudes would send me pictures of their genitals.
Anybody doing that in here?
Y'all lying like shit.
Anybody like that in here?
Yes!
You bet I like that shit!
Looking at a dick.
Y'all, I basically--look--
Looking at a dick is a gay man's game.
It is not for me.
I'll suck it and fuck it, but turn the lights out.
You know what I'm saying?
God was clowning making y'all's bodies.
I feel like God had a joint and some Play-Doh,
and just kept pulling.
Bake it.
You weren't done with that.
Yeah. I didn't like it.
And the last guy before my boyfriend
sent me a picture of his dick,
and he shaved first, so I thought that was cordial.
But he was hairy everywhere else,
so the dick was like a tail on one of them baboons
you see on a Six Flags safari.
Like, I'm showing this to all of my friends.
That wasn't the worst part of the picture.
The worst part was that he lined it up
next to a bottle of beer for scale.
Oh, yeah. This wasn't his first rodeo.
He lined it up next to the bottle.
It was bigger than the bottle.
Yeah, which is cool if you into that.
I'm almost 6-feet tall.
Dudes think I want a big, gigantic beer bottle.
I don't. I like shmediums all day long.
Oh, yeah, baby. I love a schmedium.
You ever go down on a schmedium?
You feel like a porn star.
You be like ahh! Ahh!
You want me to make eye contact?
Let's have a conversation.
And mostly, I'm not into it because, like I told you,
I got asthma and allergies,
and I can't breathe through my nose.
My nose is running right now. If I want to go down on a dude,
I got to take a Claritin-D first.
I don't want to be the first bitch to die
fellatio-related asphyxiation.
That would not make my mother proud
to have to tell her friends her daughter died
due to dick dedication, all right?
That's not an honorable death in the Black community.
I wasn't good at receiving compliments from men.
I don't know what it is about men.
They don't know how to compliment a taller woman.
Another dude I dated was giving me a back massage.
He gave me what he thought was a compliment.
He was rubbing my shoulders.
He's like, "Yo, you got a strong-ass back."
Who is that a compliment from?
A WNBA scout?
What am I supposed to say?
I've been lifting cars in my spare time?
Strong backs?
And he doubled down on it. He was rubbing even harder.
He was like, "Yeah, I went kickboxing earlier today,
and four of five dudes,
I'm not even sure if I could take you."
Take me where?
To an NFL scrimmage?
Are we fucking, or you want to see me run a 40?
What's going on right now?
Yeah. I feel like strong backs
was the name of a negro league team that got rejected.
See a room full of White men in St. Louis in the '30s.
Like, "What should we call them?"
"How about Strong Backs?"
"Rutherford, put your hand down.
We cannot call them that."
That one's from me.
Yeah. Wasn't good at it.
Yeah, and mostly because I know I have height privilege.
I'm a taller woman.
I have height privilege, you know.
Black female in America, I don't have much privilege,
but my height is my privilege.
And I realize that especially at night,
when I'm leaving from gigs 2:00,
3:00 in the morning, walking from the subway.
I don't get messed with.
And I thought about it. I was like,
from behind I probably look like a dude.
Totally. I realize it. Like, how tall are you?
- 5'5". - Okay. That's a good height.
It is.
If we hug, you nestle right here in my bosoms.
If we were both walking home at night
on opposite sides of the street,
you thinking about who to mess with,
you going to pick this 5'5" obvious girl
or that 6-foot possible dude,
you're going to pick the girl 'cause that dude looks like
he's going to be a problem, and it will be.
You're going to lose an eyeball or a regular ball.
One of your balls is leaving your body,
messing with me at night.
[applause]
- Advantage height.
Disadvantage height,
Uber drivers don't help me with my bags.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Four out of five Uber drivers,
never fails, do not help me with my bags.
You know, they'll pull up to the curb,
see my tall ass standing there going to the airport
with a whole bunch of bags, sit there,
pop the trunk, chillin'.
As if they looked over their shoulder like,
"Ah, she looks like she has a strong back.
I think she's got it."
- I used to give my number to dudes--
that I would, like, anyone who would ask for it.
I dated for material.
That's what I was out in the streets doing.
One of the last guys I gave my number to,
he started texting me and he was like,
"When do you get back?" 'Cause I was on the road.
But he kept spelling "back" weird, lowercase "b," capital
"A," lowercase "c-c" every single time.
Fun fact about me, I'm a word nerd.
I had a word-a-day calendar growing up,
so if you don't spell simple words like "back" properly,
my vagina won't get wet and I can't have sex with you,
so yeah.
It's a problem.
Conversely, if you can use "ubiquitous" in a sentence,
we don't even need foreplay.
[imitates water splashing]
Some Texas grown-ass man, why you spell back like that?
His response, "It's a habit."
Screenshot.
Send it to my favorite Jew.
I'm like, "Hey, Noah.
Why you think I don't want to date this dude?"
Noah looks at the text. He said, "First of all,
he don't know the difference between your and you're.
Reason enough." He said, "Second of all,
probably because he spells "back" like a Crip."
Yeah, a couple of people knew.
I said, "What are you talking about, Noah?"
He's like, "Crips don't spell "c-k" words.
"C-k" stands for "Crip-killer,"
so a Crip spells c-k words with two C's."
Yeah.
My Jewish friend told me that shit.
Can you imagine how I feel? I got to hand my Black card
to somebody named Noah Aaron Gardenswartz.
Those aren't Jewish Mad Libs. That's a real Jewish person.
And to make it even more Jewish,
he's a writer for "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
Giving me Black facts. I don't appreciate it.
So now I had to text the dude, "Yo, are you gang-affiliated?"
His response, "Are you law enforcement-affiliated?"
'Cause that's how he thought it was going down, via text.
I was like, what is this, "Law and Order: SMS?"
That would be a terrible television show
with very short episodes.
See the detective in front of the judge,
like, "Your Honor, we were hot on the trail of the killer
but he didn't text us back."
Dun, dun.
No, I'm not law enforcement-affiliated.
So then he opened up. He said, "To be honest,
I'm an inactive leader of a national gang.
But since I got so much going for me, the let me rocc."
And yes, he spelled rocc, R-O-C-C,
for those of you that are keeping track.
He's a consistent Crip.
Jeez.
So I was like, "All right, cool.
Thank you for being honest. I can't date you."
He was confused. He was like, "Why can't you date me,
"'cause I use to be a gang member?
You judging me like that?" I was like, "Absolutely not.
I would never judge anyone for their past.
You know, I'm judging you off of my future and my present.
I'm a professional stand-up comedian.
I can't risk bringing you out with me in the streets,
and you start arguing with somebody
about the sexual acts of Louis C.C.
You know he'd be on his side.
So in conclusion, I'm going to read you his response to that.
This is the Crip's response to me
not being able to date him
because he does not spell c-k words.
This is one text message.
"It's text, not English class."
Touché.
"I'm not looking to write a book, which I already did."
I wanted to call him C.K. Rowling
just to drive him insane.
"I have great credit."
Great point.
As if I was going to say you got a 800 credit score,
but you murder people. Let's jump the broom.
"I think I'm blessed."
That's just something Black people say.
"Not to mention, I did four years in prison."
Surprise.
I guess that's where he wrote the book.
"But your way to negative."
He used the wrong "You're" and the wrong "too."
"And you will not get nowhere in life
acting and treating people like this."
I repeat, "You will not get nowhere in life
acting and treating people like this,"
which is a double negative, bitch.
That means I'm going to get everywhere.
I'm on Peacock, motherfucker! [cheers and applause]
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
[applause]
Yes.
Mind you, there's no punctuation in any of this,
so it's Sahara Desert at this point.
My pussy was like-- [coughs]
This is his closer.
"I don't care to text an okay female
"I met riding the bus,
"but acting like she better than others.
"Your money nowhere near what make.
"I live in a house...
not a apartment."
"A apartment" is for the real grammar nerds in the building.
We correct people at parties.
"Get your shit together, you wannabe comedian
"I never seen or heard about.
"I'm younger than you, and you trying too hard.
You too old. Hang it up, man."
And I simply responded,
"You gotta be the most sensitive Crip in the game.
Get therapy."
My name is Joyelle.
Thank you, guys, for listening to me.
Thank you for coming-- Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[squeals]
[Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock's "Joy and Pain" playing]
♪ ♪
- Ahh! [laughs]
♪ ♪
All right, what-- [all singing "Happy Birthday"]
♪ ♪
Ohh
Yes.
♪ ♪
Whoo!
♪ ♪