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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[upbeat music]
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♪ ♪
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00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,221
- Joyelle,
I know you're getting ready,
6
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,490
but I just wanted to wish
you good luck on your special.
7
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,460
But I also know that today
is also your birthday,
8
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:29,861
so happy birthday.
9
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:33,165
- Hey, Joyelle.
It's me, Maria Bamford,
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00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,733
just leaving you a message
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00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,136
from what looks like the
inside of a women's prison.
12
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,037
- It's your
Uncle George Wallace.
13
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,306
Guess what? It's time for you
to do your thing.
14
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:44,009
- I'm so excited
for your first special.
15
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,578
- You are amazing,
and talented and smart,
16
00:00:46,646 --> 00:00:49,181
one of the funniest women
I know out there.
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00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:50,582
- I remember
when I first moved
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00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:52,584
to America back in 2007,
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00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:54,853
you were a little fetus
back then.
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00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,222
Came on stage with your
umbilical cord still wrapped
21
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,357
around your waist,
and look how far you've come.
22
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,159
Now you're doing
a freaking special.
23
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,561
- You came and did
stand-up here.
24
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,062
You rocked the house,
so much so
25
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,430
that the house just left
26
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,465
and never came back.
27
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,333
Look.
28
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:09,534
- They're ready for you,
29
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,969
and I know
you're ready for them.
30
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,271
- Just do your thing, mate.
You know what to do.
31
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:14,039
- You're going to go
kill it dead, hon.
32
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:15,474
You're gonna nail it
to a cross.
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00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:16,675
- You got this, buddy.
34
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,676
- You hit 'em hard.
Don't be scared
35
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,077
of those Waka Flockas.
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00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:21,746
- You're going to slay, mama,
gag, sickening.
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00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,082
Yes. Do it.
38
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:26,551
- And there's no way
it won't be wonderful.
39
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:27,886
My hands are shaking.
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00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,222
I'm a bag of bones
and a hank of hair.
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00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,390
- Get that hair big.
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00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,624
Get them titties out.
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00:01:32,692 --> 00:01:34,926
- Brown titty power in effect!
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00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,728
- Knock 'em dead.
- Love you. Have fun.
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00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:37,729
- Muah. Love ya.
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00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:39,097
- Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,900
put your hands together
for the birthday girl,
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00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:46,605
Joyelle Nicole Johnson!
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00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,574
[cheers and applause]
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00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,009
[Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock's
"Joy and Pain" playing]
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00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:55,414
- ♪ Like sunshine
and rain ♪
52
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:59,818
♪ Joy and pain ♪
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00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:03,455
♪ Sunshine and rain ♪
54
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:07,325
- Thank you, guys, for coming
to my birthday party.
55
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,461
[cheers and applause]
56
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:12,197
Yes. Thank you guys
for supporting live comedy,
57
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:13,532
from the bottom of my heart.
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00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:16,468
I'ma say that.
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00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:17,836
Yes.
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00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:20,038
There have been a bunch of
sad clowns in the house
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00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:24,643
for a year and a half,
so that's not good for society.
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00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:28,147
I moved from New York
down to Georgia last summer
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00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,581
to save the democracy.
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00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,650
You're welcome, bitches.
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00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,986
Oh, yeah. It was me.
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00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,722
It was me.
It's me and Stacey Abrams
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00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,892
on a Black female
Mount Rushmore.
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00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,662
You can't tell me nothing.
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00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,064
I moved down to vote,
but also obviously
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00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:49,601
to get a gun because
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00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:52,137
when in Rome.
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00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:53,471
And by Rome,
I mean Rome, Georgia.
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00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,540
You register to vote there.
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00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,577
Comes with a Smith & Wesson.
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00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:01,179
I be strapped everywhere.
76
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,348
It's the law down there.
77
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:05,117
I be strapped at Whole Foods.
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00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,988
That's a weird place
to be strapped.
79
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:13,725
You ever buy gluten-free bread
with a Glock 9mm in your hand?
80
00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,061
Oh, yeah. I'm like, "Is this
what having a penis feels like?
81
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:20,832
because I'm so confident."
82
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,136
Yeah. I moved down there.
83
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,738
It's so good
to be down in Georgia.
84
00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:30,008
The south has made me hard.
I'm a gun owner now.
85
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,409
But it's also made me soft.
86
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,546
I say, "Good morning"
to people.
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00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:35,947
I'm a Jersey girl.
We don't do that
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00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,583
above the Mason-Dixon.
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00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,319
And I brought that back up
to New York City, oh man.
90
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,021
People say New Yorkers
are tough.
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00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,956
You want to scare a New Yorker?
92
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,459
Smile, look 'em in the eyes,
and say, "Good morning."
93
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,197
They will think
you're about to rob they ass.
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00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,332
Only thing worse, somebody
asked me for the time once.
95
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,401
I said, "I will Mace you
in your face.
96
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:58,903
What time is it?
97
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,706
Where is your cell phone?"
98
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,608
I miss traveling.
The last place I went
99
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:06,745
before everything went down
was to Burlington, Vermont.
100
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:09,014
Yeah.
101
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,548
I don't know
if anybody's ever been there.
102
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,118
Just to sum it up, there were
more Black Lives Matter signs
103
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,654
than Black lives.
104
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,689
It was a weird place to be.
105
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,024
I got off that flight.
I said,
106
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,025
"Is this north of the wall?
107
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,527
What's happening right now?
108
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,263
A lot of White Walkers."
109
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,502
I'm used to being the only
Black person somewhere,
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00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:34,673
but on the flight to Vermont,
I was the only young person.
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00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:39,878
I thought it was
the flight to Heaven.
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00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,012
I'm looking around like,
"There is a layover
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00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,013
"in Burlington, right?
114
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,382
"I'm getting off this plane.
115
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,383
"Why are y'all in the sky?
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00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,753
You cutting out
the middle man?"
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00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,190
They was old, old.
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00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,829
They wasn't regular old.
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00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,632
They sat me next
to a 90-year-old White lady.
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00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,334
Why do I know that?
Because she told me.
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00:05:02,402 --> 00:05:04,769
I didn't ask her
a question, okay?
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00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,971
I sat down. She said, "I'm 90."
I said, "I'm Black."
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00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,910
I don't know
what's happening right now.
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00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,913
Why are we stating
our demographics?
125
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,015
Is this the census?
126
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,384
She was a chatty 90,
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00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,588
[mimics gunshot]
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00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,624
Chatty 90.
I thought she was trying
129
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,827
to get all her words out
before the end.
130
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,332
I said, "Since we chatting,
131
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,001
I ain't know
you could fly that old."
132
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,038
I didn't. Why are we showing ID
at the airport
133
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:43,074
if anybody can get
on the plane?
134
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,976
You're not allowed to fly
a certain amount of pregnant,
135
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:46,378
right?
136
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:47,879
Yeah, that's on sight.
137
00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:53,084
90? That's the end of
the third trimester of life.
138
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:58,156
Why is she on
the plane with me?
139
00:05:58,224 --> 00:06:00,458
I'm not a doctor, Delta,
but death is crowning.
140
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:04,162
I see it.
141
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:05,797
She was just
telling me stuff I didn't ask.
142
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,299
Letting me know she was
going to visit her big sister.
143
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,768
She turned me into an owl.
144
00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:15,006
I said,
"Who is your big sister?"
145
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:20,779
I was so mad.
You got a big sister?
146
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,982
Black people die at 42.
You got a big sister?
147
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,353
Oh, White people just be
living for no reason.
148
00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,690
Oh, my goodness.
149
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:33,992
[applause]
150
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,094
Stressing me out.
151
00:06:37,464 --> 00:06:40,565
Just talking and talking,
telling me stuff I didn't ask.
152
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,066
Here's the thing.
She didn't know how to talk
153
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,968
to a young Black person
because at one point--
154
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:45,370
I'm not making this up--
155
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:48,039
she started naming Black people
she could remember.
156
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,877
That got awkward real quick
'cause she 90.
157
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:55,447
She don't know no new Blacks.
158
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,783
She was hitting me
with throwBlacks.
159
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,888
At one point, she said,
"Do you know Ella Fitzgerald?"
160
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:08,293
Ella Fitz--
161
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,595
Girl.
First of all, how dare you?
162
00:07:10,663 --> 00:07:13,932
Of course I know
who Ella Fitzgerald is.
163
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,234
She said, "Ella Fitzgerald
and Nat King Cole
164
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:19,471
are my favorite singers."
165
00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:22,340
I wanted to end
that conversation.
166
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,075
So I was like, what can I say
to this White woman
167
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,878
to make her
not talk to me anymore?
168
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,314
I got it. Since we talking
about favorites,
169
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,683
you know Harriet Tubman?
170
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,885
And Nat Turner?
They may favorite slaves.
171
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,119
You don't want to talk
anymore, do you?
172
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,021
She said, "No.
Moses is my favorite slave."
173
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,725
You know what? Um--
174
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:41,960
How you gonna out-slave me?
175
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:43,928
That is rude.
176
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,198
Moses was a great slave.
177
00:07:53,706 --> 00:07:55,540
Yeah
I moved down to Georgia
178
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,509
last year with my boyfriend,
179
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,676
which I never thought
would happen
180
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:01,079
'cause I don't like
to hear men speak.
181
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,719
I'm heterosexual,
but it's against my will.
182
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:11,089
Yeah. The Evangelicals
lied to me, all right?
183
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:15,126
They said it was a choice.
I wish it was a choice.
184
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,362
I would choose women
right now.
185
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,297
Yeah. I just don't have
the tongue strength,
186
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,066
but I'm working on it.
All right?
187
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:25,003
Yeah, I'm doing tongue
and Kegel exercises every day.
188
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,104
You know what I'm saying?
189
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,105
I'm spelling out
the alphabet like--
190
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,774
[wagging tongue]
191
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,877
I'm switching teams on you hos.
192
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:37,649
We had a vice president that
believed in conversion therapy.
193
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:40,585
Yeah. Had everybody all upset.
194
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:42,820
I was on his side.
195
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,790
Let's do this, Mike.
196
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:49,260
Let's convert 'cause
both of us are being something
197
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,929
we don't wanna be.
198
00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:55,066
Like, let's do this
conversion therapy
199
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,801
'cause I understand
the yin and yang of life.
200
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,237
You convert one way, you got
to convert the other way.
201
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:01,706
I want to be
converted to gay, okay?
202
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:02,907
I want to be strapped
to a chair
203
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:05,377
by a bunch of bitches
in Birkenstocks.
204
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,113
Just holding up pictures
of dicks, ringing a bell
205
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:12,984
and punching me in my face.
206
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:15,954
Get this urge out of me.
207
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:18,790
I'm willing to go
Pavlovian for it.
208
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,692
It's so natural.
209
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,995
My boyfriend is a good guy.
210
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,065
We got together
March 1st of 2020.
211
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:31,669
Yeah, I don't know.
212
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:36,641
March 1st of 2020, after me
being single for 17 years.
213
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:39,344
Yes, absolutely ridiculous.
214
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,080
We dove right off the deep end,
and it was beautiful
215
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,448
Three months in,
he looked me in my eyes.
216
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,084
He said, "Joyelle, I love you."
217
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:49,587
I said, "Cool."
218
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:52,157
We need
a couple's therapist stat.
219
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,893
We do.
Get you a couple's therapist.
220
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,629
I tell everybody,
"Get you a couple's therapist.
221
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,965
It's like hiring a parent
for your relationship."
222
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:02,701
We get into arguments.
223
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,002
I say, "We don't got to
talk about that right now
224
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,638
'cause I'm telling Dad
on Friday at 6:00pm."
225
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:10,008
People were judging me,
just like,
226
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,509
"Why do you need
a couple's therapist?
227
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,511
You're only three months in."
Oh, just one little reason.
228
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:14,946
I'm in
an interracial relationship
229
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,280
during a pandemic
race war,
230
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,916
that's all, you know.
231
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,186
Just the little things.
232
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:25,957
Yeah. My boyfriend's
half White, half Asian.
233
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:29,394
Yeah, two groups
that love Black people.
234
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,634
I quizzed him.
235
00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:39,671
I ask him questions that I know
the answer to just to see
236
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,273
if he knows
the answer to 'em.
237
00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:44,742
I mostly like to ruin
his White peace.
238
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,614
He be minding his business
making peanut butter
239
00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:51,883
and jelly sandwiches,
just enjoying his life.
240
00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:54,519
I come into the kitchen,
"Pop quiz, hotshot.
241
00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:02,727
Which side of your family
will be more disappointed
242
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:06,431
you're dating a Black woman?"
243
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,566
Without skipping a beat,
he said "The Asian side."
244
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:13,271
Up top! You understand
the ubiquity of colorism.
245
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:18,443
I'm so proud of him
in that moment.
246
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,977
And I know that sounds harsh,
but listen.
247
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:21,913
It got proven to us,
all right?
248
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,415
February, it was
Chinese New Year.
249
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,984
We called his grandparents
in Taiwan,
250
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:29,887
Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua.
251
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:30,888
He FaceTimed them.
252
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,223
They don't speak any English,
253
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:35,460
so he was just mostly waving.
254
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,261
He said, "You want to meet
Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua?"
255
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,998
Hell yeah, I want to meet
Guan-Guan and Pua-Pua!
256
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:44,703
Question is, do Guan-Guan
and Pua-Pua want to meet me?
257
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:49,607
He didn't preface them
or anything, okay?
258
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:51,075
I sat down in front
of that camera.
259
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,910
His poor grandmother
couldn't even hold her face.
260
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,213
She was just like.
261
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:04,489
She looked like
a Chrissy Teigen GIF.
262
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,894
I got mad at him.
263
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:12,930
I was like, "Dude, are you
kidding me right now?
264
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,298
You just spring this on them?
265
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:15,833
You can't surprise
people like that."
266
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:20,438
His grandfather is going to be
100-years-old this year.
267
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:21,806
You can't spring a negro
on people born
268
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:24,809
before World War II.
Are you kidding me right now?
269
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,845
You trying to kill them?
270
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,248
We are going
to Taiwan this year
271
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,083
for his grandfather's
100th birthday,
272
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,218
and I can't wait
to go to the country
273
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,554
and have everybody think
I'm Beyoncé.
274
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:40,458
I will not--yeah.
[applause]
275
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:43,895
I'm not correcting
a single person.
276
00:12:43,963 --> 00:12:46,431
"Do you take pictures?" "Yes."
277
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,973
Oh, he's such a good guy.
278
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:57,375
Couple's therapy has been
so freaking great, man.
279
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,944
I made sure to get somebody
that can relate to both of us.
280
00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:04,482
I got a guy that is half White,
half Black.
281
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:06,150
Strategic, right?
282
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,752
So he could relate
to both of us.
283
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,822
Only problem is, I got ADD,
so for the first two sessions
284
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,157
I wasn't paying attention.
I was just trying to figure out
285
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,260
which one of his parents
was the Black one.
286
00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:21,799
I'm happy to report
I got to the bottom of it.
287
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:23,668
Whenever one of us says
something really sad,
288
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,704
he'll just be like,
"Mm, mm, mm."
289
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:35,046
Survey says Black mama.
That's what you know.
290
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:38,649
Yeah. You can hear that
in the throat.
291
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:41,386
[applause]
292
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,425
- It's crazy 'cause you got
to get yourself a therapist.
293
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,994
Like, one thing I learned
in my individual therapy
294
00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:53,598
is that I'm not good at jobs.
295
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,034
I'm not. You got to work that
out about yourself.
296
00:13:57,037 --> 00:14:00,471
I quit every job
I wasn't fired from.
297
00:14:00,539 --> 00:14:01,739
I left a temp job one day
298
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,507
because the printer
ran out of toner.
299
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,677
I said, "I can't work
under these conditions."
300
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,947
They said, "Joyelle,
you're supposed to change
301
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:13,451
the printer toner.
Well then, I quit. I don't--
302
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,386
I'm already
answering this phone.
303
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,090
So I know I'm not good at work.
304
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:20,458
My boyfriend is
really good at work.
305
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,159
He didn't skip a beat
in the pandemic
306
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:24,996
because he works remotely,
and I lost everything
307
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:28,399
because I'm a professional
comedian.
308
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:29,967
You know,
so he's working every day,
309
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,837
and I was smoking
joints and twirling
310
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:34,372
in tutus in the living room,
311
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:40,177
so contributing
to society that way.
312
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:43,547
Yeah, yeah.
And it occurred to me,
313
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:45,984
I was like, "Oh, shit.
He might leave me."
314
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:53,291
So I accidentally resorted
to 1950s gender roles.
315
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:56,194
I'm coming out the kitchen
like, "I made you a sandwich.
316
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:02,300
"I ironed your boxer briefs.
317
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:03,801
Do you want to choke me?"
318
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:09,173
I been watching "Mad Men."
I don't know how to keep a man.
319
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:13,311
How do these relationships
stay together?
320
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:14,512
He quizzes me, too,
321
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,014
'cause he know
I don't be paying attention.
322
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,684
He quizzes me about his job
because he has a job.
323
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,920
I don't know what he does,
but he has a job.
324
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:26,724
He's gainfully employed
so he'll quiz me as a reminder,
325
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,894
asking me things about his job
he knows I don't remember.
326
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:33,965
He'll just be like, "Joyelle,
what does API stand for?"
327
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,433
I'm like, "I don't know
what IPA stands for,
328
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:39,537
so why are you throwing these
Anglo-Saxon acronyms at me?"
329
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:43,441
"But, Joyelle, my Scrum Master
is a Black woman."
330
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,710
Your Scrum Master
is a Black woman?
331
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:48,980
Are you a sex worker?
What's happening right now?
332
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:51,816
Do you work at Dungeons
and Dragons?
333
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,254
He said, "No,
I'm a product owner."
334
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:57,655
Is the product cocaine?
335
00:15:57,723 --> 00:16:00,624
I don't know what you do
for a living.
336
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:05,162
But it pays the bills.
Yeah.
337
00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:09,166
I can spot other people
that aren't good at work
338
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,235
'cause game recognize game.
339
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:19,710
For example, people born rich,
not good at work.
340
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:23,180
We got to stop shaming rich
people into getting jobs.
341
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:25,049
They're not good at them.
342
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:27,818
Just let them be rich, okay?
343
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:32,123
Yeah. Trump got a job.
We see what happened.
344
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,592
Yeah. That man wanted to play
golf and pee on prostitutes.
345
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,695
We should have just
left him in peace.
346
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:44,102
Yeah. Yeah, no.
Let the rich be rich.
347
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:48,439
Kim Kardashian is trying
to become a lawyer.
348
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:52,343
I blame that on society.
349
00:16:52,411 --> 00:16:54,045
She's already fucked enough
Black dudes
350
00:16:54,113 --> 00:16:56,147
into the sunken place.
351
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:03,988
I don't want her to legally
send them to prison.
352
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:07,258
That's all I'm trying to say.
353
00:17:07,326 --> 00:17:10,428
Let her take selfies
and post them on Instagram.
354
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,430
She's lowering the bar
on the bar.
355
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,768
Yeah. Rich people
aren't good at work.
356
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:21,205
I know this firsthand
because I used to teach rich
357
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:24,775
anxiety-filled Jews on the
Upper West Side of Manhattan.
358
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,111
Yeah. When I told
my Jewish friend that, he said,
359
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,546
"Those are just Jews,
Joyelle.
360
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:31,449
You didn't need
all those extra words."
361
00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:40,091
Touche, Noah.
362
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,525
When I taught these children,
363
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:44,462
I knew that the children
are not the future,
364
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,533
at least not these ones.
365
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:52,236
They were terrible people.
366
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,839
They were too rich.
The schools was zany.
367
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,274
It was like it was
on a movie set, okay?
368
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,576
It made absolutely no sense.
369
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:02,012
It was all one-on-one
instruction. Right?
370
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,348
They were able to make
their own schedules.
371
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:07,652
They would Seamless
their lunch.
372
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:11,388
I was their private
yoga instructor
373
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,825
for middle school
and high school gym.
374
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:17,828
So they couldn't even
answer regular questions.
375
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,297
My first student, first day,
376
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,765
I asked her
how much exercise she gets.
377
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:25,703
She looked me in my soul,
378
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,173
and she said, "Well,
379
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:31,008
my mother
purchased four apartments
380
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:34,078
on the top floor
of our building.
381
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:36,046
She made them
into one large apartment,
382
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,182
and I walk around that.
383
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,987
Does that count as exercise?"
384
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,429
First of all, I don't
appreciate how much bass
385
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,830
you have in your voice,
you little bitch.
386
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,632
You're 12 years old.
387
00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,703
I'm all squared up.
388
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,439
I was like,
"You trying to fight?"
389
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,912
Second, that don't
really count as exercise.
390
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,248
But instead of yoga, I should
probably teach you how to box
391
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,682
because you're going
to get your ass kicked
392
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,851
talking to people
in the streets like this.
393
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:16,754
What's wrong with you?
I asked you a simple question.
394
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:17,988
You whip your dick out
395
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:20,491
and smack me
in the forehead with it.
396
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,896
Nobody asked you
how rich you are.
397
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,432
I know how rich you are.
I Zillowed the apartment
398
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,368
at the parent-teacher
conference, okay?
399
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:34,138
Chill out.
I don't want her to get a job.
400
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:35,839
She ain't going to be good
at nobody's job.
401
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,208
The only thing she's maybe
going to contribute
402
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:38,509
to society--
I thought about it--
403
00:19:38,577 --> 00:19:42,413
she going to be
a high profile kidnapping case
404
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:44,682
that somebody writes
a book about,
405
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,785
that gets made into a movie.
I will play the lead detective.
406
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,223
Hashtag, goals.
407
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:59,530
Yeah. She wasn't the worst one.
408
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,799
The worst one was
one of these little boys.
409
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:08,105
He had a last name, first name
and a first name, last name.
410
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,940
Yeah. So you knew
he was going to be a menace
411
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:13,077
from birth certificate.
412
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:14,745
He found out I was
a comedian one day.
413
00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:18,316
He came skipping up to me
in the halls all excited.
414
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:21,518
"Joyelle,"
415
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:25,489
because of course they
called us by our first names.
416
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:30,928
"Joyelle, do you want to know
how I play pranks on my dad?"
417
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,467
This better be good,
Rutherford.
418
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:50,147
He was like, "No, no, no.
Listen. It's good. It's good.
419
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:55,152
I go to his walk-in closet,
like all the way in the back.
420
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:57,554
I like to get his suits out.
421
00:20:57,623 --> 00:21:01,091
I get them retailored
to fit me.
422
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,459
Then I put them back
in his closet,
423
00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:03,861
and he hates that
when he find it.
424
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,763
Isn't it hilarious? Ha ha."
425
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:16,940
I was mad 'cause
that's kind of funny.
426
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,442
Like, what in
the Jewish Johnny Knoxville
427
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:22,680
are you doing over there?
428
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,048
One of these rich people pranks
429
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,717
I'll never be able
to play on anybody.
430
00:21:29,321 --> 00:21:31,955
I also said, "You know
what would be funnier?
431
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:35,259
Let's rob that nigga."
432
00:21:35,327 --> 00:21:38,296
[applause]
433
00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:43,967
Let's rob him!
Give me the keys to the safe.
434
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:47,338
Let me know when y'all leave
for the Hamptons.
435
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:52,476
Let's do this, Ruthy.
It could be an inside job.
436
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:55,312
You want Rutherford
to get a job?
437
00:21:55,381 --> 00:21:58,649
He is going to fraud someone
out of millions of dollars.
438
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:02,820
He's a walking Fyre Festival
waiting to happen,
439
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:05,189
and I want to be
his Ja Rule.
440
00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:11,428
- I taught the richest
of the rich
441
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,430
and also the poorest
of the poor.
442
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:17,501
I was a substitute teacher
in South Central Los Angeles.
443
00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:19,737
Yeah. The school
was rough, you know.
444
00:22:19,805 --> 00:22:22,106
I would get, like,
threatened by the children.
445
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,707
And I never pay any attention
to the threats.
446
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:26,377
It's, like,
12 and 11-year-olds.
447
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:27,911
Until I took another flight,
448
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,781
and a young Black dude
started talking to me,
449
00:22:30,849 --> 00:22:33,050
and he found out I was
a comedian and he got excited.
450
00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:36,754
He was like, "Oh.
You been on TV?"
451
00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:39,356
At that point, I hadn't yet.
I was like, "No, I haven't."
452
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,359
He said, "I've been on TV."
453
00:22:42,428 --> 00:22:44,028
Go on.
454
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:49,400
He said, "I was on an episode
of "American Gangster."
455
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:52,937
They profiled my father.
You want to watch it?"
456
00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:56,207
Absolutely.
457
00:22:59,145 --> 00:23:01,078
He hands me his iPod Touch,
458
00:23:01,146 --> 00:23:04,715
to give you an idea
of how long ago this was.
459
00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:06,717
I watched this episode.
460
00:23:06,786 --> 00:23:08,819
It is an episode
of "American Gangster,"
461
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:10,220
profiling this man's father.
462
00:23:10,289 --> 00:23:14,425
His father was guy named
"Monster" Kody Scott.
463
00:23:14,493 --> 00:23:18,095
Yes. He was one of the junior
lieutenants of the Crips.
464
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:19,696
Yeah. For those of you
that don't know,
465
00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:22,566
Crips are gang members
in America.
466
00:23:22,634 --> 00:23:25,169
They murder people.
467
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:30,240
Yeah, they do.
Yeah, they do. They do.
468
00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:32,009
His father dropped out
of middle school
469
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:36,713
when he was 11 years old
and murdered his first person.
470
00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:39,183
Yeah. They did B
roll of the middle school.
471
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:40,851
It was the middle school
I was teaching at
472
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:43,454
in South Central Los Angeles.
473
00:23:43,522 --> 00:23:44,855
Yes.
474
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:46,957
So I said, "When that kid said
he was going to kill me,
475
00:23:47,026 --> 00:23:49,793
he meant that shit?"
476
00:23:49,862 --> 00:23:52,430
I should probably work
at the Cheesecake Factory.
477
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,301
Crazy. And what I realized
is rich kids,
478
00:23:57,369 --> 00:23:58,902
poor kids, same issue.
479
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:01,305
They both need hugs
from their parents.
480
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:03,574
Neither one of them
were getting them, you know?
481
00:24:03,642 --> 00:24:05,108
And I got through
that in therapy.
482
00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:06,877
I'm so freaking happy about it.
483
00:24:06,879 --> 00:24:09,346
I got through my mommy issues
and my daddy issues.
484
00:24:09,414 --> 00:24:10,881
I got daddy issues.
485
00:24:10,949 --> 00:24:13,750
My dad was a deadbeat dad,
486
00:24:13,819 --> 00:24:15,719
but he was a doctor.
487
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,555
Yeah, that's weird.
Yeah. Yeah.
488
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:20,057
Having a deadbeat dad
that's a doctor
489
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:21,692
is like somebody giving you
your dream car
490
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,728
with no engine in it.
491
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:26,430
Like, this is just
an empty shell.
492
00:24:31,069 --> 00:24:34,037
He was an OBGYN.
493
00:24:34,106 --> 00:24:35,706
Specialty?
494
00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:37,741
Abortions.
495
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,610
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
496
00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:41,778
And I still made it,
497
00:24:41,847 --> 00:24:43,213
so I guess
you're not good at your job.
498
00:24:43,282 --> 00:24:45,516
Got you, bitch!
499
00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:49,253
How are you an abortion doctor?
500
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,388
You got kids you don't want.
That's weird.
501
00:24:58,231 --> 00:24:59,497
His specialty was abortions,
502
00:24:59,565 --> 00:25:01,398
and I think that's why
to this day
503
00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:02,900
I'm an abortion rights stan.
504
00:25:02,968 --> 00:25:05,302
I fight for women's
reproductive rights.
505
00:25:05,370 --> 00:25:08,005
[cheers and applause]
Yes.
506
00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:10,607
We gotta make sure
what happens in Texas
507
00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:12,276
does not spread
to the rest of the country,
508
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:15,646
so make sure about that.
509
00:25:15,714 --> 00:25:17,314
Man, listen.
510
00:25:17,382 --> 00:25:18,682
I fight for women's
reproductive rights
511
00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:19,983
because I've had an abortion.
512
00:25:20,052 --> 00:25:21,518
I'll scream it
from the rooftops.
513
00:25:21,587 --> 00:25:24,755
I want to make sure no woman
is ashamed of that word, okay?
514
00:25:24,823 --> 00:25:26,390
Yes. Yes.
[applause]
515
00:25:26,458 --> 00:25:30,994
Do not be ashamed
of having an abortion.
516
00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:33,463
Maybe be ashamed about
how you got pregnant.
517
00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:39,036
I got pregnant the classy way,
518
00:25:39,104 --> 00:25:41,638
on the floor
519
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:45,042
of an Amtrak train
520
00:25:45,110 --> 00:25:46,510
in the handicap restroom.
521
00:25:46,512 --> 00:25:48,011
Yes.
522
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,247
Go hard or go home.
523
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,251
I know y'all are judging me.
Don't worry. I was on top.
524
00:25:57,323 --> 00:25:59,256
And I just propose this.
You having sex on the floor
525
00:25:59,258 --> 00:26:00,824
of an Amtrak train
in a handicap restroom,
526
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,192
maybe you're not ready
to be a mother.
527
00:26:02,260 --> 00:26:05,563
All right?
Just, yay, choice.
528
00:26:08,433 --> 00:26:11,068
I found out something weird
about my dad later in life.
529
00:26:11,136 --> 00:26:12,469
One of my cousins called me.
530
00:26:12,537 --> 00:26:16,540
She was on a dating website,
and she was on Match.com,
531
00:26:16,608 --> 00:26:18,642
OkCupid, all that stuff.
She called me one day.
532
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:20,544
She was like, "Look. I don't
know how to tell you this,
533
00:26:20,546 --> 00:26:25,048
but I think I found your father
on this dating website."
534
00:26:25,117 --> 00:26:28,585
I'm like, "What, girl?
Which one? Match?"
535
00:26:28,654 --> 00:26:31,455
No, SugarDaddy.com.
536
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:36,427
That's a real website, in case
anybody needs a sponsor.
537
00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:39,697
Yeah. I was like,
"What, girl?
538
00:26:39,765 --> 00:26:42,199
Send me that link."
539
00:26:42,201 --> 00:26:43,734
She sends me the link.
Sure enough,
540
00:26:43,802 --> 00:26:45,469
Dr. Deadbeat
is on SugarDaddy.com.
541
00:26:45,537 --> 00:26:47,371
First thing I noticed
about his profile,
542
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:49,673
he's lying about his age.
543
00:26:49,741 --> 00:26:52,909
In real life, 83.
544
00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:56,647
SugarDaddy.com, 52.
545
00:26:56,715 --> 00:27:00,217
Oh, yeah. Black don't crack,
but calm down.
546
00:27:04,389 --> 00:27:06,089
Yeah. I think the jig is up
547
00:27:06,158 --> 00:27:09,826
when you suggest a 4:00pm date
at Denny's.
548
00:27:09,895 --> 00:27:14,731
She's going to know something
is afoul.
549
00:27:14,734 --> 00:27:16,800
I thought about it. There's
a place you don't got to lie
550
00:27:16,868 --> 00:27:20,671
about being 80,
isn't it SugarDaddy.com?
551
00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:24,641
What gold digger wants
a 50-year-old sugar daddy?
552
00:27:24,710 --> 00:27:26,744
That is a long-term commitment.
553
00:27:28,481 --> 00:27:31,749
Fifty-year-old sugar daddy,
30-year mortgage.
554
00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:36,219
Eighty-year-old sugar daddy,
month-to-month lease.
555
00:27:36,288 --> 00:27:37,354
What are you doing?
556
00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:42,993
[applause]
Just lie the opposite way.
557
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,996
Go 80, 90, 106.
You get all the bitches.
558
00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:49,500
So I figured my dad
needed some advice.
559
00:27:49,568 --> 00:27:53,570
So I log onto the website,
made a profile for myself
560
00:27:53,639 --> 00:27:55,672
and I sent my deadbeat
dad a message,
561
00:27:55,741 --> 00:27:58,342
inviting him to
join ActualDaddy.com.
562
00:28:07,086 --> 00:28:08,618
Yeah. I'm like,
I'm so freaking happy
563
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:10,954
I got through my daddy issues,
got through my mommy issues.
564
00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:12,055
I was raised by a nurse.
565
00:28:12,124 --> 00:28:14,024
Anybody raised
by a nurse in here?
566
00:28:14,092 --> 00:28:17,294
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You know what loneliness is.
567
00:28:17,296 --> 00:28:19,463
Cool.
568
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,231
They work all the time, right?
569
00:28:21,299 --> 00:28:22,966
A nurse will
never stop working.
570
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:25,001
They're the best people.
They're so good at work.
571
00:28:25,070 --> 00:28:26,603
But the problem is,
my mother also grew up
572
00:28:26,671 --> 00:28:28,638
in the projects of Brooklyn,
you know?
573
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:30,407
So if I wasn't bleeding
from a gunshot wound,
574
00:28:30,475 --> 00:28:32,976
she had no patience
for me as a child.
575
00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:34,411
I was asthmatic in the 80's.
576
00:28:34,479 --> 00:28:36,713
That wasn't a cute look,
you know?
577
00:28:36,782 --> 00:28:38,548
I'm coming up to my mother,
like, "Mommy."
578
00:28:38,617 --> 00:28:40,718
[inhaling]
579
00:28:42,087 --> 00:28:46,824
She said, "Take a nap.
I'm watching 'Caddyshack.'"
580
00:28:46,892 --> 00:28:48,725
It's a true story.
My mother was pregnant with me
581
00:28:48,728 --> 00:28:51,161
while she was watching
the movie, "Caddyshack."
582
00:28:51,230 --> 00:28:53,764
Her water broke,
and she finished
583
00:28:53,832 --> 00:28:56,667
watching the movie,
"Caddyshack."
584
00:28:57,869 --> 00:28:59,636
She wonders why she has
a comedian
585
00:28:59,704 --> 00:29:01,138
with asthma as a daughter.
586
00:29:01,206 --> 00:29:05,308
I'm like, I'm pretty sure
you lost oxygen in the womb.
587
00:29:05,377 --> 00:29:06,777
Whatever.
588
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,248
My mother sent me
to asthma camp.
589
00:29:13,385 --> 00:29:15,585
Yeah, yeah.
That's a real place
590
00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:18,822
run by
the American Lung Association,
591
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:22,359
that my mother found
before Google.
592
00:29:22,361 --> 00:29:24,928
So resourceful.
593
00:29:24,996 --> 00:29:26,263
She sent me away,
594
00:29:26,331 --> 00:29:29,099
and I didn't trust it
because I was a smart kid.
595
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:30,734
So this was around
the time in school
596
00:29:30,802 --> 00:29:34,037
we were learning
about the Holocaust.
597
00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:36,006
I was like, asthma camp?
598
00:29:41,881 --> 00:29:44,548
I didn't take a shower
for two weeks.
599
00:29:49,255 --> 00:29:51,255
I love it.
I love you guys.
600
00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:55,259
I know you're wondering
what we did in asthma camp.
601
00:29:55,327 --> 00:29:58,328
There was no running,
or jumping or swimming.
602
00:30:00,065 --> 00:30:04,835
We made so much God's eye,
I became a guilty Catholic.
603
00:30:04,903 --> 00:30:07,404
We had a sing-along once,
604
00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:10,007
and the kid next
to me passed out.
605
00:30:12,777 --> 00:30:15,445
I gave him mouth-to-mouth,
but then I passed out.
606
00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:19,616
The kid that gave me
mouth-to-mouth passed out.
607
00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:22,019
It was a vicious cycle.
The last kid died.
608
00:30:29,961 --> 00:30:32,128
Nurse mama.
609
00:30:32,131 --> 00:30:33,196
So she's retired now,
610
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:38,335
which means she works
part-time.
611
00:30:38,403 --> 00:30:40,037
You know?
612
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:42,272
She's still working.
She's working
613
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:44,808
with the older people
now in the geriatric wing.
614
00:30:44,876 --> 00:30:46,643
And she told me
a colorful story
615
00:30:46,711 --> 00:30:48,044
of an older White lady,
616
00:30:48,047 --> 00:30:51,314
who suffers from dementia,
which is not funny at all.
617
00:30:51,317 --> 00:30:53,784
The funny part to me
is that she is a racist.
618
00:30:57,088 --> 00:30:58,421
My mother said every other day,
619
00:30:58,490 --> 00:31:00,257
she'll just come up to her
because she's in a loop.
620
00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:01,791
She's stuck in a loop.
She has dementia,
621
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,862
and so all she remembers is
that we had a Black president.
622
00:31:06,831 --> 00:31:08,131
She'll tell my mother
every other day,
623
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:11,034
"Barack Obama ruined
the country,
624
00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:13,203
and Al-Qaeda
is going to get us."
625
00:31:13,205 --> 00:31:15,205
You know who else is going
to get you before Al-Qaeda?
626
00:31:15,273 --> 00:31:17,708
Time, bitch.
You are 90 years old.
627
00:31:19,811 --> 00:31:22,346
You have a big sister
in Burlington, Vermont.
628
00:31:26,351 --> 00:31:27,751
It's so weird.
I asked my mother
629
00:31:27,819 --> 00:31:31,221
if she messes with her.
Nurse, good person, good heart.
630
00:31:31,289 --> 00:31:32,322
She's like, "What?
Mess with her?
631
00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:33,623
Like, what?
What are you talk about?"
632
00:31:33,692 --> 00:31:35,058
I was like, "I'm a comedian.
I'm an asshole.
633
00:31:35,126 --> 00:31:36,894
I would mess
with her every day.
634
00:31:36,962 --> 00:31:40,363
She's a racist that doesn't
remember anything?"
635
00:31:40,432 --> 00:31:43,166
I'm playing Barack Obama's
inauguration on loop,
636
00:31:43,234 --> 00:31:44,501
all right?
637
00:31:44,503 --> 00:31:47,871
She doesn't know
what YouTube is.
638
00:31:47,939 --> 00:31:50,774
Coming up to her in the hallway
like, "Hey, Weezer."
639
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:55,512
That's the nickname
I gave her.
640
00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:57,747
Like, you don't remember
your only son was gay
641
00:31:57,816 --> 00:31:59,516
and married that Black man?
You don't remember that?
642
00:31:59,518 --> 00:32:04,187
Well, it must suck for every
day that I remind you of it.
643
00:32:04,255 --> 00:32:05,655
Yeah. Yeah.
644
00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,258
And last but not least,
in a weird turn of events
645
00:32:08,326 --> 00:32:11,828
this woman is my biggest
inspiration in life.
646
00:32:11,896 --> 00:32:13,263
Do you know how dedicated
to racism
647
00:32:13,332 --> 00:32:15,365
you have to be to forget
your family and your name,
648
00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:17,534
but remember
that you hate Black people?
649
00:32:17,536 --> 00:32:20,003
[applause]
650
00:32:21,340 --> 00:32:24,374
- We should all have a racist
level of dedication
651
00:32:24,442 --> 00:32:27,010
to something.
652
00:32:27,078 --> 00:32:29,046
You, too,
can storm the capitol.
653
00:32:33,418 --> 00:32:34,417
- Got to get through therapy.
654
00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:35,885
Therapy is the theme, man.
655
00:32:35,888 --> 00:32:38,055
I'm so happy
I'm getting through it, man.
656
00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:40,523
And I know, like,
part of my therapy.
657
00:32:40,592 --> 00:32:43,059
I know things about myself,
like, I wasn't good at dating.
658
00:32:43,062 --> 00:32:44,561
I wasn't good
at being a roommate.
659
00:32:44,563 --> 00:32:47,530
I'm not good at that at all.
660
00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:50,500
The way I found out is
because I've been Maced twice.
661
00:32:52,972 --> 00:32:55,438
Y'all judging me?
662
00:32:55,507 --> 00:32:57,374
Mace me once, shame on you.
663
00:32:59,444 --> 00:33:01,311
Mace me twice, I should
probably shut the fuck up.
664
00:33:01,380 --> 00:33:03,347
I talk a lot of shit.
665
00:33:04,883 --> 00:33:07,484
Dedicated to the proposition.
666
00:33:07,552 --> 00:33:10,153
The first time I got Maced was
not my fault, all right?
667
00:33:10,221 --> 00:33:12,889
I grew up in New Jersey.
I used to love roller-skating,
668
00:33:12,957 --> 00:33:14,491
and we'd go to the
roller-skating rink
669
00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:16,026
in the early 90's.
670
00:33:16,094 --> 00:33:17,927
This was before
WorldstarHipHop.
671
00:33:17,930 --> 00:33:19,896
Fights would break out
occasionally.
672
00:33:19,964 --> 00:33:22,465
You going to run
towards that fight.
673
00:33:22,534 --> 00:33:24,100
We ran to the fight one day.
674
00:33:24,103 --> 00:33:26,403
Cops Maced the whole crowd.
Not my fault.
675
00:33:26,471 --> 00:33:30,373
Second time,
I earned that shit.
676
00:33:30,442 --> 00:33:31,942
I earned it.
677
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,745
I moved in with a roommate
I met off Craigslist.
678
00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,550
I don't have a paper trail.
I can't be signing leases.
679
00:33:40,618 --> 00:33:42,619
All right?
680
00:33:42,621 --> 00:33:44,621
I moved in with this roommate,
and I got super excited
681
00:33:44,623 --> 00:33:45,855
'cause he was a gay Black dude.
682
00:33:45,924 --> 00:33:47,891
I was like,
"Oh, gay Black dude, Joyelle.
683
00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:50,927
♪ We go together
like rama, lama, lama ♪
684
00:33:54,833 --> 00:33:57,167
Only problem is,
he was a cunty gay dude.
685
00:33:58,436 --> 00:34:01,738
Yeah, yeah, not the fun gay.
686
00:34:01,807 --> 00:34:05,008
He was a cunty gay.
687
00:34:05,076 --> 00:34:07,243
He didn't like me.
688
00:34:07,312 --> 00:34:10,147
Yeah, that's weird.
689
00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:12,949
And he made me--
he let me know it, too, right?
690
00:34:13,017 --> 00:34:14,551
What I realized is,
he wanted my money
691
00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:16,219
but he didn't want me
to stay there, right?
692
00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:19,089
So he wanted my check.
I wrote the check. It cleared.
693
00:34:19,091 --> 00:34:20,890
I'm staying, all right?
694
00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:24,627
I was a stand-up comedian
on the road. The check cleared.
695
00:34:24,696 --> 00:34:26,563
This could be "American
Horror Story: Murder House."
696
00:34:26,565 --> 00:34:29,466
I'm still staying 'cause
I don't have no more money.
697
00:34:30,835 --> 00:34:33,503
So the first week in,
he was like, "We need to talk."
698
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,741
Okay.
699
00:34:38,810 --> 00:34:41,978
He started, "The reason
I don't like you"--
700
00:34:44,349 --> 00:34:47,484
You know this is going to be
a productive conversation.
701
00:34:47,552 --> 00:34:49,786
He said, "The reason
I don't like you
702
00:34:49,788 --> 00:34:51,121
is because you come
into the kitchen
703
00:34:51,189 --> 00:34:53,756
in the morning talking about
"Good morning, darling,"
704
00:34:53,825 --> 00:34:55,592
like you on Broadway."
705
00:35:03,201 --> 00:35:04,167
I was confused because I said,
706
00:35:04,235 --> 00:35:05,401
"Don't gay dudes
like Broadway?"
707
00:35:05,470 --> 00:35:08,872
What are we talking
about right now?"
708
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,273
Mike Pence went to
go see "Hamilton."
709
00:35:10,341 --> 00:35:12,042
He can't even help himself.
710
00:35:18,717 --> 00:35:22,719
That was a great laugh.
711
00:35:22,787 --> 00:35:24,220
So freaking weird.
So from then on,
712
00:35:24,223 --> 00:35:26,256
he just kept doing stuff
to make me uncomfortable.
713
00:35:26,324 --> 00:35:28,925
He would just come into my room
whenever he felt like it,
714
00:35:28,993 --> 00:35:30,326
without asking.
715
00:35:30,395 --> 00:35:32,629
He threw my checks in the
garbage that came in the mail.
716
00:35:32,697 --> 00:35:35,498
The biggest thing he did was
lock me out of the bathroom.
717
00:35:35,567 --> 00:35:37,600
The bathroom was in his area
of the apartment,
718
00:35:37,669 --> 00:35:38,902
so he locked me
out of the bathroom
719
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:40,971
because I pee a lot, okay?
720
00:35:41,039 --> 00:35:43,773
I got the bladder of
a Shih Tzu puppy with a UTI.
721
00:35:43,841 --> 00:35:46,943
Like, I pee all the time.
And he hated it
722
00:35:47,011 --> 00:35:49,112
'cause I would just be
coming into his living space,
723
00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:51,147
and so he would lock me
out of the bathroom.
724
00:35:51,216 --> 00:35:53,616
And that's akin
to torture, okay?
725
00:35:53,685 --> 00:35:55,051
He locked me out of
the bathroom so much--
726
00:35:55,053 --> 00:35:56,319
I'm not proud of this--
727
00:35:56,387 --> 00:35:58,488
I had a bowl in my room
that I would pee in.
728
00:35:59,691 --> 00:36:03,793
Yeah. I would just be squatting
over, berating myself, like,
729
00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:08,865
"Bitch, you have a bachelor's
degree
730
00:36:08,933 --> 00:36:12,802
"from Boston College.
731
00:36:12,870 --> 00:36:16,439
"You should probably kill
yourself after this pee,
732
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:18,942
"or figure out how to get
a Japanese business man
733
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:21,244
to pay you to do this shit."
734
00:36:23,281 --> 00:36:25,115
#OnlyPans
735
00:36:28,453 --> 00:36:30,987
He found the pee bowl.
736
00:36:31,055 --> 00:36:33,456
Yeah, because he would
just come in the room.
737
00:36:33,524 --> 00:36:36,626
He found the pee bowl,
and he got so paranoid
738
00:36:36,694 --> 00:36:41,130
he thought I was peeing
on everything in the apartment,
739
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:45,368
like a territorial terrier.
740
00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:47,037
He was so freaking paranoid.
I'm so happy
741
00:36:47,105 --> 00:36:49,706
I caused his paranoia
'cause I hated him.
742
00:36:49,774 --> 00:36:52,175
So one day, I came home and he
just stopped me at the door,
743
00:36:52,243 --> 00:36:54,110
absolutely livid.
744
00:36:54,179 --> 00:36:56,980
"My dish rag smells
like urine."
745
00:36:59,284 --> 00:37:00,783
I said, "That sounds
like a personal problem.
746
00:37:00,852 --> 00:37:02,518
What you want me
to do about it?"
747
00:37:02,521 --> 00:37:05,388
He's like, "You peed on my dish
rag, didn't you, bitch?"
748
00:37:06,691 --> 00:37:08,758
Peed on your dish rag?
749
00:37:08,826 --> 00:37:10,126
No, I didn't pee
on your dish rag.
750
00:37:10,194 --> 00:37:11,427
I'm a grown-ass woman.
You accusing me
751
00:37:11,430 --> 00:37:13,129
of peeing on your dish rag?
752
00:37:13,197 --> 00:37:15,999
I poured my pee
onto your dish rag.
753
00:37:16,001 --> 00:37:19,035
[applause]
754
00:37:21,139 --> 00:37:24,974
And all of your dishes.
755
00:37:24,977 --> 00:37:26,609
How else am I supposed
to get the pee bowl clean?
756
00:37:26,678 --> 00:37:32,682
You did this to us. All right?
757
00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:33,950
So he Maced me in my face.
758
00:37:34,019 --> 00:37:37,320
That's how that
relationship ended.
759
00:37:38,756 --> 00:37:42,358
Just as low escalation
to the Macing.
760
00:37:42,361 --> 00:37:43,593
We actually Maced each other.
761
00:37:43,662 --> 00:37:46,196
That's what happened.
It's weird.
762
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:51,067
It was a weird standoff,
like we was at the O.K. Corral.
763
00:37:53,237 --> 00:37:54,504
He Maced me,
and then just, like,
764
00:37:54,506 --> 00:37:55,905
ran off into the distance.
765
00:37:55,973 --> 00:37:57,840
It was like a jazz run.
766
00:37:57,909 --> 00:38:00,343
And I was fully Maced.
767
00:38:00,411 --> 00:38:02,312
I had to call the cops.
I couldn't see anything.
768
00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:04,147
And all the cops
came in Brooklyn at night,
769
00:38:04,215 --> 00:38:05,915
I guess because
it was a slow night
770
00:38:05,983 --> 00:38:09,085
and they just wanted
to see the Mace-face bitch.
771
00:38:09,153 --> 00:38:10,887
And they just kept pacing me.
772
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:13,089
They were all circling me.
I'm almost 6-feet tall.
773
00:38:13,091 --> 00:38:15,491
I couldn't see,
but I could sense their energy.
774
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,293
Every cop in Brooklyn is,
like, 5'6",
775
00:38:17,362 --> 00:38:20,163
for some reason,
776
00:38:20,231 --> 00:38:23,266
and they were tiny and angry,
and angry and tiny.
777
00:38:23,334 --> 00:38:26,235
And the reason was
'cause they thought
778
00:38:26,238 --> 00:38:27,403
it was domestic violence,
779
00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:30,306
and cops do not like
domestic violence.
780
00:38:30,375 --> 00:38:31,974
I said that wrong.
Cops pretend
781
00:38:32,043 --> 00:38:36,479
that they do
not like domestic violence.
782
00:38:36,547 --> 00:38:39,582
Get it together,
Blue Lives Matter.
783
00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:42,318
So they were just pacing me
angrily, shouting at me.
784
00:38:42,387 --> 00:38:43,653
I couldn't see nothing.
785
00:38:43,721 --> 00:38:47,523
They were like, "Why did
he Mace you? What happened?
786
00:38:47,592 --> 00:38:49,826
Were y'all sleeping together?
Is that why he Maced you?
787
00:38:49,894 --> 00:38:53,162
Was that your boyfriend?
Is this domestic violence?"
788
00:38:53,165 --> 00:38:57,500
I was like, "No, he's gay."
And they all stopped.
789
00:38:57,568 --> 00:38:59,168
And one of them said,
"You know what?
790
00:38:59,237 --> 00:39:00,570
We was wondering
what type of straight dude
791
00:39:00,638 --> 00:39:02,305
would Mace a bitch."
792
00:39:05,877 --> 00:39:08,511
This cop saying a real man
punches a woman in the face?
793
00:39:08,579 --> 00:39:11,715
What the hell?
794
00:39:11,783 --> 00:39:13,783
Had to call
the 9-1-1 on 9-1-1.
795
00:39:13,851 --> 00:39:15,985
I was so nervous.
796
00:39:16,053 --> 00:39:18,621
So I got through that.
Therapy.
797
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:21,357
Therapy! Yes!
And I know.
798
00:39:21,426 --> 00:39:22,725
I know I'm not good
at relationships.
799
00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:24,894
I'm so happy
to be off the market
800
00:39:24,962 --> 00:39:26,629
'cause I was
just not good at it.
801
00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:28,264
It wasn't anything
good happening
802
00:39:28,266 --> 00:39:30,600
for me in relationships.
You know, I didn't like
803
00:39:30,668 --> 00:39:34,270
when dudes would send me
pictures of their genitals.
804
00:39:36,441 --> 00:39:39,442
Anybody doing that in here?
805
00:39:39,510 --> 00:39:42,478
Y'all lying like shit.
806
00:39:42,481 --> 00:39:48,117
Anybody like that in here?
807
00:39:48,186 --> 00:39:49,786
Yes!
808
00:39:49,854 --> 00:39:52,789
You bet I like that shit!
809
00:39:52,857 --> 00:39:54,290
Looking at a dick.
810
00:39:54,358 --> 00:39:55,792
Y'all, I basically--look--
811
00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:57,494
Looking at a dick
is a gay man's game.
812
00:39:57,562 --> 00:39:59,328
It is not for me.
813
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,097
I'll suck it and fuck it,
but turn the lights out.
814
00:40:01,099 --> 00:40:02,966
You know what I'm saying?
815
00:40:04,702 --> 00:40:07,904
God was clowning
making y'all's bodies.
816
00:40:07,972 --> 00:40:10,239
I feel like God had a joint
and some Play-Doh,
817
00:40:10,308 --> 00:40:12,008
and just kept pulling.
818
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:17,781
Bake it.
819
00:40:19,584 --> 00:40:22,318
You weren't done with that.
820
00:40:22,386 --> 00:40:23,786
Yeah. I didn't like it.
821
00:40:23,855 --> 00:40:24,954
And the last guy
before my boyfriend
822
00:40:25,023 --> 00:40:26,656
sent me a picture of his dick,
823
00:40:26,724 --> 00:40:29,759
and he shaved first,
so I thought that was cordial.
824
00:40:31,729 --> 00:40:34,831
But he was hairy
everywhere else,
825
00:40:34,899 --> 00:40:37,033
so the dick was like a tail
on one of them baboons
826
00:40:37,035 --> 00:40:39,602
you see on a Six Flags safari.
827
00:40:41,906 --> 00:40:45,341
Like, I'm showing this
to all of my friends.
828
00:40:45,410 --> 00:40:46,642
That wasn't the worst
part of the picture.
829
00:40:46,711 --> 00:40:48,010
The worst part was that
he lined it up
830
00:40:48,079 --> 00:40:51,013
next to a bottle
of beer for scale.
831
00:40:51,082 --> 00:40:53,816
Oh, yeah.
This wasn't his first rodeo.
832
00:40:53,885 --> 00:40:55,151
He lined it up
next to the bottle.
833
00:40:55,219 --> 00:40:57,286
It was bigger than the bottle.
834
00:40:57,289 --> 00:41:00,356
Yeah,
which is cool if you into that.
835
00:41:00,425 --> 00:41:01,657
I'm almost 6-feet tall.
836
00:41:01,726 --> 00:41:03,693
Dudes think I want a big,
gigantic beer bottle.
837
00:41:03,695 --> 00:41:05,929
I don't.
I like shmediums all day long.
838
00:41:07,965 --> 00:41:10,066
Oh, yeah, baby.
I love a schmedium.
839
00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:11,400
You ever go down
on a schmedium?
840
00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:12,768
You feel like a porn star.
841
00:41:12,837 --> 00:41:16,939
You be like ahh! Ahh!
842
00:41:17,008 --> 00:41:18,174
You want me
to make eye contact?
843
00:41:18,243 --> 00:41:20,109
Let's have a conversation.
844
00:41:25,583 --> 00:41:27,917
And mostly, I'm not into it
because, like I told you,
845
00:41:27,985 --> 00:41:29,218
I got asthma and allergies,
846
00:41:29,221 --> 00:41:32,188
and I can't breathe
through my nose.
847
00:41:32,257 --> 00:41:34,624
My nose is running right now.
If I want to go down on a dude,
848
00:41:34,692 --> 00:41:38,794
I got to take
a Claritin-D first.
849
00:41:38,863 --> 00:41:40,029
I don't want to be
the first bitch to die
850
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:42,799
fellatio-related asphyxiation.
851
00:41:42,867 --> 00:41:44,166
That would not make
my mother proud
852
00:41:44,235 --> 00:41:45,902
to have to tell her friends
her daughter died
853
00:41:45,970 --> 00:41:48,237
due to dick dedication,
all right?
854
00:41:48,306 --> 00:41:50,707
That's not an honorable death
in the Black community.
855
00:41:53,511 --> 00:41:55,678
I wasn't good at receiving
compliments from men.
856
00:41:55,746 --> 00:41:57,113
I don't know
what it is about men.
857
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:59,549
They don't know how to
compliment a taller woman.
858
00:41:59,551 --> 00:42:01,684
Another dude I dated
was giving me a back massage.
859
00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:04,220
He gave me what he thought
was a compliment.
860
00:42:04,222 --> 00:42:05,488
He was rubbing my shoulders.
861
00:42:05,556 --> 00:42:07,457
He's like, "Yo, you got
a strong-ass back."
862
00:42:14,599 --> 00:42:16,966
Who is that a compliment from?
863
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,235
A WNBA scout?
864
00:42:23,608 --> 00:42:24,674
What am I supposed to say?
865
00:42:24,742 --> 00:42:26,409
I've been lifting cars
in my spare time?
866
00:42:26,477 --> 00:42:28,144
Strong backs?
867
00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:30,212
And he doubled down on it.
He was rubbing even harder.
868
00:42:30,281 --> 00:42:32,081
He was like, "Yeah, I went
kickboxing earlier today,
869
00:42:32,083 --> 00:42:33,449
and four of five dudes,
870
00:42:33,518 --> 00:42:36,118
I'm not even sure
if I could take you."
871
00:42:36,187 --> 00:42:38,254
Take me where?
872
00:42:38,323 --> 00:42:39,722
To an NFL scrimmage?
873
00:42:39,790 --> 00:42:41,391
Are we fucking, or you want
to see me run a 40?
874
00:42:41,459 --> 00:42:43,626
What's going on right now?
875
00:42:43,694 --> 00:42:46,195
Yeah. I feel like strong backs
876
00:42:46,263 --> 00:42:48,865
was the name of a negro
league team that got rejected.
877
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:56,439
See a room full of White men
in St. Louis in the '30s.
878
00:42:56,507 --> 00:42:57,907
Like, "What should
we call them?"
879
00:42:57,975 --> 00:42:59,041
"How about Strong Backs?"
880
00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:02,878
"Rutherford,
put your hand down.
881
00:43:02,947 --> 00:43:04,981
We cannot call them that."
882
00:43:07,151 --> 00:43:10,152
That one's from me.
883
00:43:10,221 --> 00:43:12,855
Yeah. Wasn't good at it.
884
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:16,359
Yeah, and mostly because I know
I have height privilege.
885
00:43:16,361 --> 00:43:17,860
I'm a taller woman.
886
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:19,929
I have height privilege,
you know.
887
00:43:19,998 --> 00:43:21,931
Black female in America,
I don't have much privilege,
888
00:43:21,999 --> 00:43:23,132
but my height
is my privilege.
889
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:24,800
And I realize that
especially at night,
890
00:43:24,869 --> 00:43:26,435
when I'm leaving
from gigs 2:00,
891
00:43:26,504 --> 00:43:28,571
3:00 in the morning,
walking from the subway.
892
00:43:28,639 --> 00:43:30,306
I don't get messed with.
893
00:43:30,374 --> 00:43:31,774
And I thought about it.
I was like,
894
00:43:31,842 --> 00:43:35,678
from behind
I probably look like a dude.
895
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:38,748
Totally. I realize it.
Like, how tall are you?
896
00:43:38,816 --> 00:43:41,684
- 5'5".
- Okay. That's a good height.
897
00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:46,155
It is.
898
00:43:46,224 --> 00:43:49,659
If we hug, you nestle
right here in my bosoms.
899
00:43:53,998 --> 00:43:55,197
If we were both
walking home at night
900
00:43:55,266 --> 00:43:57,533
on opposite sides
of the street,
901
00:43:57,601 --> 00:43:58,734
you thinking about
who to mess with,
902
00:43:58,737 --> 00:44:02,738
you going to pick this 5'5"
obvious girl
903
00:44:02,741 --> 00:44:06,509
or that
6-foot possible dude,
904
00:44:06,577 --> 00:44:07,977
you're going to pick the girl
'cause that dude looks like
905
00:44:08,046 --> 00:44:09,378
he's going to be a problem,
and it will be.
906
00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:10,946
You're going to lose
an eyeball or a regular ball.
907
00:44:11,015 --> 00:44:14,150
One of your balls
is leaving your body,
908
00:44:14,152 --> 00:44:15,618
messing with me at night.
909
00:44:15,686 --> 00:44:17,453
[applause]
910
00:44:17,521 --> 00:44:21,157
- Advantage height.
911
00:44:21,225 --> 00:44:22,358
Disadvantage height,
912
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:25,061
Uber drivers
don't help me with my bags.
913
00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:28,964
It's absolutely ridiculous.
914
00:44:29,033 --> 00:44:30,299
Four out of five
Uber drivers,
915
00:44:30,367 --> 00:44:33,269
never fails,
do not help me with my bags.
916
00:44:33,337 --> 00:44:35,071
You know, they'll pull up
to the curb,
917
00:44:35,139 --> 00:44:37,239
see my tall ass standing there
going to the airport
918
00:44:37,308 --> 00:44:38,674
with a whole bunch of bags,
sit there,
919
00:44:38,677 --> 00:44:41,744
pop the trunk, chillin'.
920
00:44:41,812 --> 00:44:43,179
As if they looked
over their shoulder like,
921
00:44:43,247 --> 00:44:44,680
"Ah, she looks like
she has a strong back.
922
00:44:44,749 --> 00:44:46,215
I think she's got it."
923
00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:52,021
- I used to give my number
to dudes--
924
00:44:52,090 --> 00:44:55,725
that I would, like,
anyone who would ask for it.
925
00:44:55,793 --> 00:44:56,992
I dated for material.
926
00:44:56,995 --> 00:44:59,528
That's what I was out
in the streets doing.
927
00:44:59,531 --> 00:45:01,130
One of the last guys
I gave my number to,
928
00:45:01,198 --> 00:45:03,299
he started texting me
and he was like,
929
00:45:03,301 --> 00:45:05,868
"When do you get back?"
'Cause I was on the road.
930
00:45:05,936 --> 00:45:11,307
But he kept spelling "back"
weird, lowercase "b," capital
931
00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:17,580
"A," lowercase "c-c"
every single time.
932
00:45:17,648 --> 00:45:20,783
Fun fact about me,
I'm a word nerd.
933
00:45:20,851 --> 00:45:22,885
I had a word-a-day calendar
growing up,
934
00:45:22,954 --> 00:45:25,454
so if you don't spell simple
words like "back" properly,
935
00:45:25,523 --> 00:45:27,823
my vagina won't get wet
and I can't have sex with you,
936
00:45:27,826 --> 00:45:31,060
so yeah.
937
00:45:31,128 --> 00:45:34,463
It's a problem.
938
00:45:34,532 --> 00:45:37,299
Conversely, if you can use
"ubiquitous" in a sentence,
939
00:45:37,368 --> 00:45:39,368
we don't even need foreplay.
940
00:45:39,436 --> 00:45:41,404
[imitates water splashing]
941
00:45:43,374 --> 00:45:46,275
Some Texas grown-ass man,
why you spell back like that?
942
00:45:48,779 --> 00:45:53,215
His response, "It's a habit."
943
00:45:53,284 --> 00:45:55,051
Screenshot.
944
00:45:57,321 --> 00:46:00,756
Send it to my favorite Jew.
945
00:46:00,825 --> 00:46:03,559
I'm like, "Hey, Noah.
946
00:46:03,627 --> 00:46:06,295
Why you think I don't want
to date this dude?"
947
00:46:06,363 --> 00:46:08,063
Noah looks at the text.
He said, "First of all,
948
00:46:08,132 --> 00:46:11,967
he don't know the difference
between your and you're.
949
00:46:12,036 --> 00:46:15,704
Reason enough."
He said, "Second of all,
950
00:46:15,773 --> 00:46:17,940
probably because he spells
"back" like a Crip."
951
00:46:20,311 --> 00:46:23,913
Yeah, a couple of people knew.
952
00:46:23,981 --> 00:46:26,715
I said, "What are you
talking about, Noah?"
953
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,785
He's like, "Crips don't spell
"c-k" words.
954
00:46:29,854 --> 00:46:32,388
"C-k" stands
for "Crip-killer,"
955
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,892
so a Crip spells
c-k words with two C's."
956
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,293
Yeah.
957
00:46:37,361 --> 00:46:39,695
My Jewish friend
told me that shit.
958
00:46:43,167 --> 00:46:45,334
Can you imagine how I feel?
I got to hand my Black card
959
00:46:45,403 --> 00:46:50,239
to somebody named
Noah Aaron Gardenswartz.
960
00:46:50,307 --> 00:46:53,843
Those aren't Jewish Mad Libs.
That's a real Jewish person.
961
00:46:53,911 --> 00:46:55,311
And to make it
even more Jewish,
962
00:46:55,379 --> 00:46:58,314
he's a writer for
"The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel."
963
00:47:00,684 --> 00:47:04,954
Giving me Black facts.
I don't appreciate it.
964
00:47:05,022 --> 00:47:08,824
So now I had to text the dude,
"Yo, are you gang-affiliated?"
965
00:47:08,893 --> 00:47:12,862
His response, "Are you
law enforcement-affiliated?"
966
00:47:12,930 --> 00:47:15,598
'Cause that's how he thought
it was going down, via text.
967
00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:18,734
I was like, what is this,
"Law and Order: SMS?"
968
00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:22,805
That would be a terrible
television show
969
00:47:22,873 --> 00:47:25,107
with very short episodes.
970
00:47:25,175 --> 00:47:26,609
See the detective
in front of the judge,
971
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:28,410
like, "Your Honor, we were hot
on the trail of the killer
972
00:47:28,479 --> 00:47:30,045
but he didn't text us back."
973
00:47:30,114 --> 00:47:31,714
Dun, dun.
974
00:47:34,151 --> 00:47:36,118
No, I'm not law
enforcement-affiliated.
975
00:47:36,186 --> 00:47:39,855
So then he opened up.
He said, "To be honest,
976
00:47:39,924 --> 00:47:44,393
I'm an inactive leader
of a national gang.
977
00:47:44,461 --> 00:47:48,297
But since I got so much
going for me, the let me rocc."
978
00:47:48,365 --> 00:47:50,532
And yes, he spelled rocc,
R-O-C-C,
979
00:47:50,601 --> 00:47:51,967
for those of you
that are keeping track.
980
00:47:51,970 --> 00:47:55,204
He's a consistent Crip.
981
00:47:55,272 --> 00:47:56,639
Jeez.
982
00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:57,940
So I was like,
"All right, cool.
983
00:47:58,008 --> 00:47:59,942
Thank you for being honest.
I can't date you."
984
00:48:03,514 --> 00:48:05,447
He was confused. He was like,
"Why can't you date me,
985
00:48:05,516 --> 00:48:06,882
"'cause I use
to be a gang member?
986
00:48:06,951 --> 00:48:08,984
You judging me like that?"
I was like, "Absolutely not.
987
00:48:08,987 --> 00:48:12,087
I would never judge anyone
for their past.
988
00:48:12,156 --> 00:48:16,191
You know, I'm judging you off
of my future and my present.
989
00:48:16,260 --> 00:48:18,560
I'm a professional
stand-up comedian.
990
00:48:18,629 --> 00:48:20,663
I can't risk bringing you out
with me in the streets,
991
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,097
and you start arguing
with somebody
992
00:48:22,166 --> 00:48:24,433
about the sexual acts
of Louis C.C.
993
00:48:30,541 --> 00:48:32,675
You know he'd be on his side.
994
00:48:37,781 --> 00:48:40,816
So in conclusion, I'm going to
read you his response to that.
995
00:48:43,454 --> 00:48:45,120
This is the Crip's response
to me
996
00:48:45,123 --> 00:48:46,422
not being able to date him
997
00:48:46,490 --> 00:48:49,758
because he does not
spell c-k words.
998
00:48:49,761 --> 00:48:51,661
This is one text message.
999
00:48:57,534 --> 00:49:02,404
"It's text, not English class."
1000
00:49:02,473 --> 00:49:04,340
Touché.
1001
00:49:06,477 --> 00:49:11,013
"I'm not looking to write
a book, which I already did."
1002
00:49:13,851 --> 00:49:15,684
I wanted to call him
C.K. Rowling
1003
00:49:15,753 --> 00:49:18,287
just to drive him insane.
1004
00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:25,294
"I have great credit."
1005
00:49:31,001 --> 00:49:33,769
Great point.
1006
00:49:33,837 --> 00:49:35,938
As if I was going to say
you got a 800 credit score,
1007
00:49:36,006 --> 00:49:38,841
but you murder people.
Let's jump the broom.
1008
00:49:41,312 --> 00:49:43,112
"I think I'm blessed."
1009
00:49:43,180 --> 00:49:45,247
That's just something
Black people say.
1010
00:49:47,851 --> 00:49:50,886
"Not to mention,
I did four years in prison."
1011
00:49:50,954 --> 00:49:53,589
Surprise.
1012
00:49:53,591 --> 00:49:55,658
I guess
that's where he wrote the book.
1013
00:49:58,562 --> 00:50:00,529
"But your way to negative."
1014
00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:05,267
He used the wrong "You're"
and the wrong "too."
1015
00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:12,508
"And you will not
get nowhere in life
1016
00:50:12,576 --> 00:50:14,877
acting and treating
people like this."
1017
00:50:16,447 --> 00:50:18,848
I repeat, "You will not
get nowhere in life
1018
00:50:18,916 --> 00:50:20,115
acting and treating
people like this,"
1019
00:50:20,118 --> 00:50:21,316
which is a double
negative, bitch.
1020
00:50:21,385 --> 00:50:22,785
That means I'm going
to get everywhere.
1021
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:25,687
I'm on Peacock, motherfucker!
[cheers and applause]
1022
00:50:25,756 --> 00:50:32,694
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
1023
00:50:32,763 --> 00:50:34,630
[applause]
1024
00:50:34,698 --> 00:50:36,365
Yes.
1025
00:50:36,433 --> 00:50:38,801
Mind you, there's
no punctuation in any of this,
1026
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:42,204
so it's Sahara Desert
at this point.
1027
00:50:42,272 --> 00:50:44,573
My pussy was like--
[coughs]
1028
00:50:49,913 --> 00:50:52,148
This is his closer.
1029
00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:53,849
"I don't care to
text an okay female
1030
00:50:53,917 --> 00:50:56,985
"I met riding the bus,
1031
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:59,555
"but acting like
she better than others.
1032
00:50:59,623 --> 00:51:02,057
"Your money nowhere
near what make.
1033
00:51:02,126 --> 00:51:05,528
"I live in a house...
1034
00:51:08,900 --> 00:51:11,434
not a apartment."
1035
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:21,076
"A apartment" is for the real
grammar nerds in the building.
1036
00:51:21,145 --> 00:51:23,245
We correct people at parties.
1037
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:30,285
"Get your shit together,
you wannabe comedian
1038
00:51:30,354 --> 00:51:32,588
"I never seen or heard about.
1039
00:51:32,656 --> 00:51:35,524
"I'm younger than you,
and you trying too hard.
1040
00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:39,261
You too old. Hang it up, man."
1041
00:51:39,263 --> 00:51:40,629
And I simply responded,
1042
00:51:40,697 --> 00:51:44,533
"You gotta be the most
sensitive Crip in the game.
1043
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,335
Get therapy."
1044
00:51:46,403 --> 00:51:47,937
My name is Joyelle.
1045
00:51:48,005 --> 00:51:49,905
Thank you, guys,
for listening to me.
1046
00:51:49,973 --> 00:51:52,942
Thank you for coming--
Oh, thank you.
1047
00:51:53,010 --> 00:51:54,576
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
1048
00:51:54,645 --> 00:51:58,214
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
1049
00:51:58,282 --> 00:52:01,950
[squeals]
1050
00:52:02,019 --> 00:52:05,320
[Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock's
"Joy and Pain" playing]
1051
00:52:05,389 --> 00:52:10,559
♪ ♪
1052
00:52:10,628 --> 00:52:13,963
- Ahh! [laughs]
1053
00:52:14,031 --> 00:52:17,432
♪ ♪
1054
00:52:17,435 --> 00:52:19,401
All right, what--
[all singing "Happy Birthday"]
1055
00:52:19,469 --> 00:52:26,442
♪ ♪
1056
00:52:28,045 --> 00:52:30,345
Ohh
1057
00:52:30,414 --> 00:52:31,547
Yes.
1058
00:52:31,615 --> 00:52:32,981
♪ ♪
1059
00:52:32,984 --> 00:52:35,050
Whoo!
1060
00:52:35,118 --> 00:52:42,091
♪ ♪