I got a star on my car and one on my chest
A gun on my hip and the right to arrest
I'm the guy who's the boss on this highway
So watch out what you're doin' when you're drivin' my way
If you break the law you'll hear from me l know
I'm working for the state I'm the highway patrol
Well, you know me when you see me 'cause my door's painted white
My siren a- screamin' and my flashin' red light
I work all day and l work all night
Just to keep the law and order tryin' to do what's right
If I write you out a ticket
Then you better drive slow
I'm just a-doin' my job I'm the highway patrol
The highway patrol
My hours are long and my pay is low
But l'll do my best to keep you drivin' slow
I'm justa-doin' my job I'm the highway patrol
[Male Narrating] Meet Charlie-- helpful dad, upstanding citizen...
and an 18-year veteran of the greatest law enforcement agency in the land.
- [ Whistling ] - the Rhode lsland State Police.
That's Charlie's home-- modest, like the man.
Even though he lived on the water,
Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer...
which will come into play a little later in our story.
But I'm getting way ahead of myself.
You know, maybe it's best if we just go back and begin at the beginning.
As a young man, Charlie had the world by its bootstraps.
He was the best young trooper on the force...
and was dating the prettiest and smartest gal in town.
Her name was Layla, just like the melody.
Mmm, Charlie.
You have no idea how much I love you.
- Yeah ? - Yeah.
- Well, will you stay with me no matter what ? - Of course, Charlie.
Well, what if l had to move to the Arctic, and you could never come home,
and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life ?
- Would you still stay with me ? - Yeah, I'd stay.
- But I hope that never happens. - Yeah, me too.
[ Cheering ]
[Narrator] Well, by spring time,
they had made it official.
Boy, let me tell you,
that was some wedding.
It was presided over by Father Ken Gumbert,
and half the Rhode lsland State Police Force was in attendance.
- Congratulations, Charlie. - Thank you, Captain.
- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
- Ooh ! - All right.
- Look what I got. - Ooh !
Whoo. Here we go.
Ah.
Oh, um, excuse me. Do you people take checks ?
Say that again. Do we people take checks ? You mean, the black man ?
No, no, no, no, no. God, no. Your company.
Don't give me that backtracking bullshit. That was a racist slur !
No, it wasn't, really. I-l would never--
Tell you what ! I'll make it real easy foryou.
Why don't you just pay me in cotton or a cartload of watermelons ?
Or how's about a couple of them buckets of fried chicken ?
'Cause you know how we black people-- we just love fried chicken, Mr. Charlie.
- Hey, no, come on now. Settle down. - What's going on ?
This cat don't believe a nigger knows how to cash a check. Ain't that about a bitch !
Charlie, I don't wanna ever hear you use the " N" word in this house.
What ? l-- I never said anything remotely racist.
- Oh, so it's the little people thing then ? - No !
You think just 'cause I'm small, you can just push me around ?
Well, come on, my friend, let's boogie.
- I'm gonna give you a little lesson in low center of gravity. - What ?
- [ Grunting ] - Hey, whoa, hey, stop it !
Hey ! Cut it-- Stop it now. Sir !
Don't patronize me with that "sir" crap.
- Whoa, hey, those are illegal. - [ Gasping ]
Stop. Oh, God ! Ow !
- Oh, it's on now ! It's on. - Charlie !
[ Groaning ]
- Charlie, don't hit him ! - [ Screaming ]
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, stop it ! Charlie, stop it !
Charlie, Charlie. Hey, hey, hey, just let me handle this. Stop it !
Excuse me, Mister, um, "Jackson"--
Uh-- Oh, stop it ! What-What-What is your first name ?
- It's Shonte. - [ Growling ]
Shonte, I'm-- I am-- I am so, so sorry. I apologize.
Oh, come on, here. Let me walk you to your car.
I just don't have the patience for people who judge books by their cover.
And you shouldn't have to.
Treating me like a dumbshit. I mean, who does he think he's talking to ?
I'm a tenured professor of molecular genetics over at Brown,
- and I'm head ofthe Boston chapter of MENSA. - You're kidding ?
No. I'm just driving this limo as a sociologic experiment, that's it.
- But MENSA ? I'm president of the Providence chapter. - No kidding.
[ Chuckling ]
[Narrator]Just when Charlie thought life couldn't get any sweeter,
old Mr. Stork dropped in to pay him and Layla a visit.
- [ Groaning, Screaming ] - It's a boy !
Oh, boy, oy, oy.
Wow !
He's so-- Wow !
- [ Panting ] - Huh ? What ?
- [ Screaming ] - Whoa, oh, my God, we're in luck. He's got company !
- [ Both Screaming ] - Push ! Push !
[Narrator] Charlie loved those boys so much,
he just couldn't face the truth.
And so he went on with his life, as if everything was normal.
Hey, Finneran. Hey, Buddy.
- Hey ! Hope you brought your appetite with ya. - Oh, I did.
- Ahh ! - Charlie, your kids look great.
- Yeah, don't they ? Thanks. - Uh-huh.
- Charlie, - [ Screams ]
just between you and me,
did you ever notice that your kids have sort of a year-round tan ?
Yeah, well, uh--
- My great grandmother's half Italian. - Half Italian ?
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's probably why the water beads off their hair, huh ?
[ Sighs ] Yeah, so ?
- I mean, a lot of people have different kind of hair. - Oh, yeah.
I mean, what are you-- what are you-- what are you getting at ?
No, no, I'm just saying is-- You know--
Come on, Charlie, goddamn it !
Those kids' dicks are bigger than them sausages.
Knock it off, Finneran. Those are my children you're talking about.
- I've been meaning to ask you about that. - Finneran !
Get over here. It's your turn.
Charlie, don't mind me.
It'sj-just the beer talking, you know ? Whoo !
Hmm. Sure.
[Charlie] There's something powerful bubbling up inside me, Father,
and I'm afraid that someday,
if I don't do something, I'm gonna explode.
[Sighs] Where does this rage come from, myson ?
I don't know. It's a lot of things, really.
Take my wife, for example.
I love her like no other,
but part of me suspects that she may be having an affair.
And I'm-l'm probably just being paranoid here,
but I get the feeling...
that the entire town is laughing at me behind my back.
Charlie, that you ?
[Narrator] Eventually, Charlie's worst fears were realized.
I'm so sorry, Charlie. Really, I am.
But I have to do this. I found my soul mate.
But... [ Exhales ]
I thought I was your soul mate.
Tsk. Oh.
Come on, legs. Let's roll, baby.
I don't know what to say.
I guess the heart just wants what the heart wants.
Bye, Charlie.
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.
Oh, she'll be eating blubber, all right,just as soon as I free willy.
- [ Groaning ] - [EngineStarts]
[Narrator] It's funny how a man reacts when his heart gets broken.
Some break down and cry like a baby.
Others, they take out an Uzi and climb a clock tower.
But Charlie Bailey gates didn't seem to react at all.
He just swallowed hard,
felt that slab of heartache slide over the lump in this throat,
and he locked it all away.
As you can imagine, it wasn't easy...
for little Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonte Junior...
growing up without a mom,
but Charlie made that little house into a big old home, and the boys flourished.
Let me tell you, they were smart ones.
- What are you buildin', fellas ? - An airplane, Daddy.
[ Imitating Airplane Engine ]
- [ Laughing ] - Bye-bye !
- [ All ] Bye, Daddy ! - Have a good time at work !
Bye, Daddy!
Love you, Daddy!
Where he can't hide
-From himself - No. No !
Hey ! Stop it ! Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble ! Get off that !
Don'tyou take off in that !
-How many seas must a white dove sail - Shonte Junior,
How can you keep eatin' that crap and never gain weight ?
- I don't know. Just lucky, I guess. - [ Chuckles ]
How many times
-Must the cannonballs fly - Do you believe his voice ? That's Gomer Pyle !
Before they're forever banned
- The answer, my friend - Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryuor on H.B.O. ?
-Is blowing in the wind - Richard Pryuor ?
- Please. - Okay.
In Africa, though, I go out in the country. Whoo!
You see some lions and shit. I'm talkin' about real lions,
not them kind you be fuckin' with in the zoo.
You fuck with the lions, " Hey, lion, motherfucker !"
Be throwin' shit at it. Lion be, "Uh-oh, oh!"
[Narrator] As they have a way of doing, the years passed some what regularly.
And the boys, well, they came into their own.
...is make her toss my salad!
The guy's like, "Toss my salad? W-Well, what's that ?"
Yeah, well, having your salad tossed...
means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup.
I prefer syrup.
He's a funny motherfucker.
[Narrator] Although Charlie's police work had started to suffer,
the kids were doing great.
Damn ! I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron.
Shit, man, that shit's simple.
- Look. Tell me this, tell me this. - What, what ?
- What's a deuteron made up of? - Duh, a proton and a neutron.
Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doin' right there ?
- Shit, I don't know. - Well, get it outta there then !
Okay, so you sayin' I add up the atomic masses of the proton and the neutron, right ?
- Mm-hmm. - I sees that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron ?
Can I bring it over here ?
Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherfuckin' grave if he heard that stupid shit.
I mean, he'd just turn over ass up in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck.
Man,Jamaal, man, just cut my man some slack, dog.
Look here, I'm just try in' to help him save face, all right ?
He keep askin' questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid.
- I ain't stupid. - Mornin', fellas.
- Oh, hey, Dad. - Hey, Pops, howyou doin', man ?
- What's all the commotion down here ? -Just school shit and shit.
- How's my little guy doin' ? - Strugglin'. This quantum physics is confusing.
- Ifl don't buckle down, I'm gonna get myself another B-plus. - Oh, that'd be whack.
Man, he so fuckin' dumb, he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.
- Give it up, dog. - Well, you think polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste.
Oh, I gotta get outta here. I don't want to have to bust a cap.
Kisses.
Mm, Daddy.
- See ya later. - Love ya ! All right.
[Narrator] Yeah, Charlie was gettin' a lot of respect inside the house,
but outside-- well, that was another story.
Mornin', Ed.
Charlie.
Say, Ed, did you see where my paperwent today ?
Uh, the wife's got it in the shitter.
Well, could you tell her to throw it on the porch when she's done ?
Can't you get one at work ?
Yeah, I ... suppose I could. You betcha.
I'd like that
If we could cycle down some lane
I'd like that
If we could ride into the rain
No mess getting wet
I'd be your Albert
If you'd be Victoria
Ha, ha We'd laugh because
Each drop would make me grow up really high
Really high like a really high thing say a sun flower
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, George, Herb.
- Hi, Charlie. - How do, fellas ?
- Hi, Charlie. - Listen, Dick, I was--
Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one.
Whoa !
Oh, yeah, that's whatdaddylikes.
It looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.
- Yeah, a couple of Hindenburgs, huh ? - Oh, the humanity!
Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.
[Laughing]
"She's a mom."
- She's not my mom ! - She's a yummy mom.
- You kill me ! - "She's a mom."
Sure, that is good. Oh.
Listen, uh, Dick, I'm sorry, uh, to botheryou like this,
but, uh, uh, your-your-your car is gonna have to be moved.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah, sure, Charlie, okay.
I should be done here in another ten or fiifteen minutes.
You know, I hate to be a stickler, Dick,
but, uh, the law states that you can't park in one place for more than an hour,
and you've been there for--
goin' on three days now.
All right, all right, the law's the law.
Park it behind the grocery store, will ya, Charlie ?
Yeah, sure.
- This one ? - [Narrator] There's an old saying.
- An ostrich with his head in the sand makes a lousy cop. - My fault.
You see, if you can't deal with your own problems,
- well, it's hard to deal with others'. - Sweetie.
Sweetie ? That's kind ofdangerous.
You wanna move it up onto the sidewalk, away from the traffiic ?
My dad says you're ajoke, and I don't have to listen toyou.
[ Sighs ]
Well, your father is entitled to his opinion,
but I am an officer of the law, and, uh, by all rights, l--
- Fuck off ! - You should watch your mouth, little girl.
[ Screaming ]
[Woman] Thank you, have a nice day.
- Excuse me. Charlie ! Hey ! - Hey.
You mind if l get ahead of you ? I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay ?
- Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead. - You're a doll.
- Aw. - Hey, kids, over here ! Now !
Didn't I tell you to stay with me ? Stop ! Put those down !
[Drums]
Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah We're gonna rock you
[ Groaning ]
[ Exhales ]
-[Stops] - [Chattering]
"VagiClean," huh ? What's the matter, honey ?
Little extra cheese on the taco ?
- Excuse me. - No, excuse me.
There's no tag on this.
Price check on VagiClean, aisle fiive.
I repeat. Price check on VagiClean, aisle fiive. That's VagiClean.
We got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking aloafofbread,
andl thinkit's sourdough. [Inhales]
[ Gasps ]
Put a rush on that.
Hey, big guy, did you hear the news ?
My son, Billy, got the lead in the high school musical.
Well, I guess he likes the cock after all.
Wha--
[ Muffled Screams ]
- [ Whistling ] -I'm basically no good
Still wanna skip rope on the street ?
I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie !
Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, fuckface.
[ Continues Whistling ]
And l'm not fit to touch
- The hem of your garment - [ Whistling ]
And no, no
I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment
- [Baby Crying] - [ Gasps ]
[ Growling ]
- [Crying Continues] - [ Continues Gasping ]
[ Slurping ]
[Continues, lndistinct]
- [ Men Screaming ] - [ Yells ]
There you go, Dick.
I parked it for ya. By the way,
you got a headlight out.
Yeah
Oh, no
All right
[Continues]
[WomanScreams]
[ Grunting ]
[Grunting Continues]
- Mm-mm, that looks good. - Here you go, Colonel.
Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.
Colonel, we got a problem. There's something wrong with Charlie.
- [Dispatcher] One-X to 1 12. - 1 1 2 responding.
[Narrator] Of course, there's not much about this sort of thing...
in the Rhode lsland State Police manual,
so they sent him up to Boston to see a team of highly trained head doctors.
They quickly identified the problem.
You got a major screw loose.
Huh ?
- Doctors have diagnosed you as having a split personality. - A schizo.
- I-l don't remember any of this. - That's because...
according to that report, it wasn't you that this was happening to.
- It was this other guy. - Hank.
- Huh ? - He said his name was Hank.
- And apparently Hank is trying to get out. - Tryuing to get out ?
What do you mean, "get out" ? How did he get in ?
- You created him. - By not dealing with your problems, Charlie.
[ Inhales Deeply] Ever since, uh--
[ Stammering ]
Well, you know, you've been avoiding confrontation.
- But this guy inside-- he doesn't. - Hank.
Doctors feel that, uh, you've created this character out of necessity.
You never stick up for yourself.
- [ Sighs ] - Charlie,
why didn'tyou take a vacation when Layla left ?
Whywould I ? You know ?
I mean, wives leave their husbands every day in this countryu.
There's no reason to shortchange the department.
I mean, it's not like I had the flu. [ Cryuing ]
[Sniffling, Sighing]
Have you picked up your medication, Charlie ?
[ Cryuing Continues ] Mm-hmm.
[ Sighs ] I'm really not crazy about it, though.
You know, it makes me so dry.
You have to take it anyway. Dr. Rabinowitz assure us...
that if you do, everything'll be fine.
[Woman] This is abunch ofcrap !
No wonder you're the smallest state. Little mind, little state.
It shouldn't even be a state. It should be the District of Rhode lsland.
- Whatever you say. - Can you take these goddamn things off, please ?
And could you stop looking at my ass ?
Pritchard, what-- what's going on out here ?
Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, lrene P.
I pulled her over on 95 for a broken tail light. I ran a check.
She's got an outstanding warrant in up state New York.
- Hit and run ? - Hit and run. Injured pedestrian signed a complaint.
Oh, well, I think I might remember that. That is ridiculous.
- I've never been in an accident. Not in my whole life. - Well,
I've just gotten off the phone with the New York State Patrol.
They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.
Look,j u-- How can we fiix--
Were you in Massena, New York, last Friday, second of May ?
Well, yeah, I live there, but I didn't have any accident.
Look, I'm just driving down to Block lsland to see my sister.
You seem like a nice guy. Is there anyway you might let me handle this by mail ?
Unfortunately, Miss Waters, I'm not the oneyou have to convince.
If there's been a mistake, you have to clear it up in Massena.
What ? Okay, wait. You--
Because of somebody else's mistake, I have to get in my car...
and drive all the way back to upstate New York ?
No, ma'am.
We'll have one of our troopers escort you.
- [Phone Ringing] - Hey, Hollywood, turn your fucking phone off.
- Yeah ? - [ Irene ] You're an asshole.
Oh, hello, lrene. What did I do now ?
Listen, I'm sitting at a police station somewhere in Rhode lsland,
and they're shipping me back to Massena on some bogus crap.
- Sound familiar ? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
- I don't have a clue what you're talking about. - Dickie !
Cut the bullshit ! [ Sighing ]
Listen to me, okay ? It's over, Dickie. It's over.
So please just stop messing with me,
and call your friends and tell them to back off, okay ?
Look, I'm being a straight shooter here.
Ifyou need help, I'll helpyou.
Just give me all the details. I'll get to the bottom ofit. All right ?
Massena, New York ? Man, goddamn, Daddy, that's damn near Canada.
I know, I know. It wasn't my idea.
I gotta take this gal up north, and then the colonel ordered me to take a week's vacation.
Why a week ? Man, that's a long motherfuckin' time.
Well, he wants me to rest while I'm getting used to the medication.
Aw, come on, you don't have to worryu about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.
These two motherfuckers can do the shoppin', and I'll do the cookin'.
Man, you do the cookin' ? You thoughtyou got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob.
You're gonna have Shonte Junior down under goddamn 400 pounds. Fuck that.
- Can't have that happen. Okay, guys. - No, we can't, we can't.
I'm not leaving till morning. You know the rules when I go: No bitches after 1 1 :00.
[ All Laughing ]
- All right, Pops ! - Yeah, man.
- Bye, Daddy! - Gotya, Papa! - Love you, Daddy!
Now who the hell's this lrene honey, anyway ?
She worked for me the past couple years.
I hired her to be my golf course super intendent.
- We got close. - No, you got stupid.
For the love of shit, these are the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie. And me too.
- How much does she know? - She might have gotten wind of some things.
Yeah, well, we're gonna find out.
The complaint was signed by a guy named Peterson.
He's with the E.P.A.
E.P.A. ? I thought they were in our pocket.
Well, not all of'em.
- Hang on, ma'am. - Yeah.
This vacation is just what Charlie needs.
I bet he's a new man when he gets back.
Ifwe let him back.
What doyou mean ?
Well, I mean that he's become a pretty big liability.
We may have to let him go.
Let him go ? But-But, Captain, police work is Charlie's whole li--
I know, I know, damn it. I know.
I found you sittin' on a suit case cryin'
It's a great time of year to ride,
Iong as you don't mind one or two bugs.
I laugh outloud 'causeit's the one thing
I hadn'tbeen trying
The train came in breathless The passengers restless
She said Baby you'll never change
You gotta get gone You gotta get goin'
The world ain't slowin' down for no one
It's a carnival callin'out to you
It sounds like a song lt hits you like scripture
Boy, you can't beat the open road !
[ Insect Buzzing ]
Weren't you the kid who just climbed on the merry-go-round
Hey look the world ain't slowin' down
-Hey, hey - Oh, no !
Oh, my goodness. Geez.
[ Sighs ] Those damn truckers.
You know, you'd think they'd call someone to come clean this up.
Poor thing. Oh, that's terrible.
- Whew. Whoa. - Ew.
By the looks ofher, she's been here for a while.
Well, I doubt we're gonna be able to move her, but we should try.
You wanna get that end ? Just give it a little push ?
- Really ? - Yeah, yeah, we should give it a shot.
- Okay ? Go ahead. - Okay.
-Just-Just push as hard as you can. - Yeah, okay.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Mooing ]
-Jesus ! Whoa ! - Oh !
- Okay, youjust-- - Oh, it's still alive.
-Just stand back. I'll take care ofit. - God, that's terrible.
- Oh. Now, don't-don't look, okay ? - Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Well, old girl, [ Sighs ] your suffering's over.
[BirdSquawking]
[Narrator]Oh, it ain't always easy doing MotherNature's work.
- [ Mooing ] - [ Screams ] - Oh,J--
[ Grunts ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh. Do you believe that ?
- No, it's-- Yech. - [ Mooing ]
- Oh, my God in heaven ! - [ Irene Groaning ]
- Oh, God ! - [ Groaning ]
God ! What the hell is wrong with you ?
Die !
Let go! Let go, girl!
- On to greener pastures. Come on. - [ Mooing ]
They're clear-cutting a place in heaven foryou. [ Grunting ]
- Come on ! Help me out ! Do something ! - But--
- I don't-- [ Stammering ] - Let go !
Let it go ! Go !
- [ Gurgling ] - [ Gasps, Sighs ]
[ Pants, Sighs ] Oh !
[ Panting ]
Well, that was tough,
but I thinkwe did the right thing.
Patrol car, yes. Okay, thankyou.
- Can I helpyou ? - Yes, I'm Officer Bailey gates, Rhode lsland State Police.
I have, uh, your prisoner, Miss lrene Waters here.
- All right. I'll tell them you're here. - Okay-dee, right-dee.
[Phone Ringing]
[Charlie Whistling]
- What are those for ? - Huh ?
Oh, it'sjust this stupid thing.
I have to take a pill everyu six hours or I feel funny. No big deal.
- What's it called ? - [ Exhales ]
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
Ah.
Does your ass feel numb ?
No, but they give me unbelievable cotton mouth.
- I meant from the ride. - Oh, no, no.
Over theyears, my ass has taken a pounding.
Miss Waters, mynameis Peterson.
This is my partner, Agent Boshane.
We're with the Environmental Protection Agency's Special lnvestigations.
- The E.P.A. ? - Yeah.
What'd I hit ? A bald headed eagle ?
Well, we'll explain that toyou, ma'am,
but right now, we're gonna askyou to come along with us.
- Well, why don'tyou just explain it to me now ? - Well, ma'am,
we put your hit-and-run report out on the wire in order to track you down.
- Track me down for what ? - Agent Boshane ?
I want to remind you again, our station's at your disposal.
You're more than welcome to use any ofour interrogation rooms.
We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke, but we're all set.
All right. Well, ifthere's anything at all I c--
[ Garbled ] Uh, excuse me.
I'm just gonna get myselfa drink ofwater.
[Slurping]
Ahh ! So if l could, uh, [ Clears Throat ]
just get someone to sign this, I'll be on myway.
Yeah.
Well, Miss Waters, uh, good luck.
And I hope everything works out great for you.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
Ihaven't done anything wrong, and you know it.
What about the marijuana roaches you left behind when you moved out of your apartment ?
So I smoked some pot. What is that, a crime ?
Uh-huh.
As is being an accessory to bribery, embezzlement,
tax evasion and racketeering.
- What areyou talking about ? - Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell ?
His company, Cedar Creek Limited,
has been under a sealed grandjury investigation for 18 months.
How does that make me an accessory ? I laid some sod on Dickie's golf course. So ?
Tell me this--a big operation like the Cedar Creek Country Club--
how'd you get thejob as the head greens keeper ?
By default. This guy, Tedeschi or Tedescho,
he was hired before me, but he died.
Heart problem or something.
[Narrator] The feds believed that lrene knew...
more than she thought she knew,
and her life was in danger.
They explained that everything had been happening right under her nose--
payoffs of government agencies, threats towards those who stood in the way,
and her predecessor's heart attack ?
Well, that was just cold blooded murder.
Oh, man.
Can you excuse me ?
Pizza kid.
- How much ? - Uh, that comes to 1 3.95.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, son of a bitch !
[Car Departing]
[ Panting ]
[Narrator] Well, it was a good thing Charlie had told her...
he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.
Charlie ?
Irene finagledakey from the front desk and let her self in.
Charlie.
[ Snoring ]
- Charlie, what's going on here ? - Hmm ? lrene ?
Oh ! Oh, uh, uh-- [ Chuckling ]
Irene, I was just, um-- I was gonna, um, study your file...
and, uh, try to find a loophole.
Did your lips get as chapped as mine on the ride down ?
Nevermind! l need your help.
There was a shootout down at the thing, and the agents are dead.
- Dead ? - Yeah, the ywere after me, Charlie.
Oh, God. See, this is Dickie's work. I know it.
- So what areyou gonna do ? - We'll call the police.
What ? No, you can't do that.
Dickie has those guys in his back pocket. That's why I came to you.
- How-- Wha-- How doyou-- - Oh !
Hey, this is serious shit ! You don't--
[ Sighs ] I'm outta here.
Hey, wait. No, don't do that ! Come on, hold on ! Just let me think for a second, okay ?
Think someplace else, Charlie. This is the first place they're gonna look.
Damn it !
- So where are we going, anyway ? - You'll see !
[Narrator] Well, they went on the lam for a bit,
- and then Charlie made a couple of phone calls. - [ Barking ]
Irene, take it easy now.
- Charlie ? - Don't worry. I'll take care ofit.
- Hey. - Good work, Bailey gates.
- Thanks. - I'm sorry I had to meet you all the way out here.
No, that's okay. It's just as well.
Poor gal's a little paranoid. My kids are like that.
Somewhere along the line, theyjust get this idea that the cops are the bad guys--
[ Grunting, Gasping ]
Listen, I don't know what's going on, and I didn't tell the feds anything.
Dickie told me you were street smart, huh ?
Why the hell would you run back to this idiot ?
[Drums]
Drop the gun, moron. You're being videotaped.
- What are you talkin' about ? - There's a camera on my bike.
- [ Irene Screams ] - Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it ?
- [ Grunting ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Panting ]
Score. Good move.
Getin the car.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
[ Irene ] Would you mind telling me what the hell you were thinking back there ?
Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tweak the high end ofyour emotional E.Q, sweetbeak.
The funky chicken was Charlie's dance.
I'm a tango man myself.
[Tango]
[ Snarls ]
[Narrator]As you can imagine, there was some explaining to do.
So, Hank, [Clears Throat] as he called himself,
found a quiet spot and spelled out the whole darn mess.
Okay, so whatyou're saying is thatyou're not Charlie.
Come on, you've seen Charlie in action. The guy's like origami.
He folds under pressure. When the big game's on the line, he's busy ridin' the pine.
Okay, wait, wait. Can youjust--
It's simple.
Charlie's the mouse that got you into the maze.
I'm the rat who knows how to fii nd the cheese.
The name's Hank-- Hank Evans.
- For little girls - So it's true.
- Charlie is a schizo. - I wouldn'tknow.
I stay outta his business, he stays outta mine.
Look.
Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made ofstone.
I feel your fear.
It's comin' through like static on my heart radio.
Hank ? Hank.
I really, really appreciate your help,
but is there anyway that maybe we could get...
Charlie back out here for a little huddle ?
No problem.
Whileyou're at it, climb that pole over there and take a piss on the power lines.
Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to saveyour life.
But if l'm gonna do that, I'll need total "uninanonynymity."
Okay.
- Sound good, candypants ? - Hank, don't call me that.
Man, how the hell can they call Pluto a planet ?
What motherfuckin' planet has an elliptical orbit ?
Man, this shit don't make no sense.
Motherfucker ! That motherfucker Vince Foster was murdered ! I told you !
Will you quit hackin' into them goddamn Pentagon fii les ?
Ain't no nevermind who them crooked politicians be killin'. Just do your studyin'.
- Man, what did Daddy tell you about snoopin', huh ? - Shit, yeah, man.
You keep fuckin' around, you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away from you.
Be stuck up there at Stanford with them goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.
[ Laughing ]
Shit, motherfucker, you be lucky to get accepted to Duke gettin' a 1430 on your S.A.T.
- Motherfucker, you know I had the flu. - The flu, my ass.
You had a motherfuckin' aneuryusm gettin' a 1 430.
- Aneuryusm ? Man, you talkin' some shit now. [Knocking]
Now you see, man ? That's probably one of them lvy League sum bitches now.
- Get your big-ass head up and get the door, man. - Get the door.
- Don't fuck with my shit. - Get outta the way. Gimme some of them chips.
[ Laughing ] Hey, Captain.
- Fellas. - What the fuck is goin' on, man ?
- This is Agent Anicelli. - Gentlemen.
- What's happenin', Captain ? - We've got a problem.
Pack your bags.
- We're locked and loaded. - Great.
- Got enough stuff to hold us over for 72 hours. - [ Men Laughing ]
Well, fuck my ozone.
[Drums]
Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah We're gonna rock you
Hey, ringworm.
Yeah, I'm talkin'toyou, you toxic waste of life.
You gonna pick up that butt, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe...
and stick it in your big, fat, pimply A-hole ?
Hey, man, take it easy. It's just a cigarette.
Oh, yeah ? Well, this is just a fist.
But when I start throwing it around, it can leave one hell of a mess.
Let's dance.
Hey, hey ! [ Groaning ]
Let's kick the shit outta this crazy asshole.
Wait, wait. Wait ! He's a schizo !
What the hell's wrong with him ?
What happened, anyway ?
[Narrator] Yeah, Charlie was taking a few lumps on account of Hank's behavior.
But, save for a little bloodin the urine, he was no worse forthe wear.
I'm sorry you had to meet Hank, Miss Waters.
I thought I was bad. That guy has some serious problems.
He did save our lives.
Anyway, Hank had a pretty good idea.
- He thinks that maybe-- - Oh, and you're gonna listen to Hank ?
Come on!Look what he did tome. I mean, what are you thinkin'?
He's out of control, this guy.
You know whatl think we shoulddo ?
I thinkwe should fii nd another department and tell them the whole story.
Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far Dickie's reach goes.
Well, then, you know what ?
I think it's time to call the best damn law enforcement agency in the countryu:
the Rhode lsland State Troopers !
Do you really think the feds don't have some guy up there now bugging calls ?
They'd be on us in ten minutes.
And they're the ones that almost got me killed in the first place.
Okay. What was the genius's big plan ?
He thinks that we should find a cabin and hide out for a while.
Oh, yeah ? What about water ? What about food ?
He already got supplies. They're in the trunk.
- These are the supplies ? - Mm-hmm.
Well, he had a plan, all right. [ Sucking Sounds ]
That's it ? That's all he got ?
Oh, no, there's more.
A rope, a shovel,
bag of lime and some lawn darts.
- and the kidnapping of one lrene P. Waters. - That's bullshit !
My daddy ain't killed nobody, and he sure as shit ain't kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch !
Your dad's sick, mentally. He's had some sort ofbreakdown. That's what we understand.
The important thing is we fii nd him, so nobody else gets hurt, himselfincluded.
Come on, man, nobody's gonna get hurt.
Hell, yeah. Our daddy wouldn't hurt a motherfuckin' fly.
No, he goes after bigger game.
Wejust got a report he put six bullets into a prize cow's head.
Poor thing's lucky to be alive.
Okay, look, let's say he does have a problem-- which he don't.
- He's been taking pills to get rid of it, anyway. - He left his pills in the hotel.
- Damn. - That's where he left his sanity.
I've seen it first hand. The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.
L-L-Look. One thing I don't understand, Lieutenant.
If my daddy's such a scary-ass motherfucker, why'd you go by yourself, huh ?
Yeah, who the fuck are you, Sergeant York, tryin' to take on the Germans your damn self?
Your father's a police officer, and he asked me to come alone. How was I to know he's a nutcase ?
- Man, our daddy ain't no fuckin' nutcase. - He may have...
advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage,
but he is a very gentle person !
-[Punk On Radio] - Motherfuckin' robot Motherfuckin' robot
[ Continues ]
[Radio Off]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the fuzz ? Tell me what's a-happening.
Stay away from me, Hank ! I know what you had planned. I saw your so-called supplies.
Oh, that ?
I wasn't gonna just ram it home, you know.
I was gonna lube it up...
and ease it in there inch by inch, like a gentleman.
I was talking about the shovel and the lime.
Shovel and lime ?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ] Thank you.
- I haven't laughed like that in a long time. - What's so funny ?
- We're drivin' a hot carriage. - So ?
That stuff belongs to the bad cop.
You think he was gonna take our dead bodies down to the station ?
Oh.
[Narrator] lrene decided they should go back to Rhode lsland,
but Hank had an idea first.
- Are you sure about this ? - Are you kiddin' ?
Every oinker east ofthe Mississippi will be looking for this sled.
Safer to go mass transit. Ready ? On nine.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
I can't keep up with you no more
And you treat me like it's a sin
For you to let me in
Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.
- Thanks for the kudos. - Sure.
- Glad we're finally on the same page. - Me too.
Whoa ! You okay ?
Yes, I'm fine.
[ Sighs ] Thought you were goin' over the edge.
Thank you.
- You know, I think you're a very special unit. - That's sweet.
I hope we can get to know each other better.
Yeah, me too.
Doyou swallow ?
I get it. We'll go slow.
- Hey ! - Yes ?
You didn't happen to pick up a wallet on the dash, did ya ?
You're kidding, right ?
[ Exhales ]
So, what's your tale, Mother Goose ? Whereyou from ?
Oh, all over.
Omnipresence-- I like that in a woman.
I'm originally from Texas. Middle-class neighborhood.
But after high school, I moved to New York, 'cause I had this thing--
Let me guess. Everybody in town told you you were easy on the eyes,
so you decided to become a supermodel.
When you got to the Big Apple, they treated you like the worm.
So you packed on a few pounds and started calling yourself an actress.
- Uh, no. - Shh !
Unfortunately, you can't get far without talent,
and after a while the only bright lights you saw were the ones...
that hit you in the face when you opened the fridge.
That's when you got a boob job, started hanging around on the Upper East Side,
Iooking for a rich, old man with a bum ticker...
and waved a white flag in the face ofyour own self-loathing.
How's my aim ?
I neverwent to New York City. I went upstate to Cornell.
And then I got my master's in turfmanagement at U-Mass.
And then I became a golfcourse superintendent.
And these, believe it or not, are all mine.
I noticed you conveniently left outyour eating disorder.
- I don't have an eating disorder. - Whateveryou say, slim.
- Whoa ! - Hands off, Hank.
[Calliope]
- Hey ! Mom ! - [ Growling ]
That's real nice, Hank. Way to keep a low profile.
It's survival at this point.
Hey, I know how to score some dough. Punch me.
- What ? - Punch me in the face.
- Why ? - I'll flag the big cheese,
tell him I got rolled in the parking lot.
He'll hush me up with a couple of Benjamins.
They don't need that kind ofink on Sugar Mountain. Come on, rip my head off.
That's really lame, Hank.
Well, you have a better idea ? Come on.
- It's not gonna work. - Yes, it is gonna work, but you gotta rock me.
Don't give me one of those girly "l don't wanna break a fii ngernail" love taps.
This guy's gotta look at my face and just--
[ Grunting, Yelling ]
[Narrator] Well, the kick in the chops didn't work out as planned,
and it just left Charlie al ittle more roughed up.
- How's the nose feelin' ? - Listen to it.
[ Nose Whistling ]
- I'm really sorry, Charlie. - I'll get over it.
I mean, you should be furious. I just drop-kicked you right in the face.
- Hey, it happens. - [ Nose Whistling Continues ]
- [ Grunts ] - You got a great way oflooking at life, Charlie.
You know that ? That's a gift.
Yeah, I don't know if my shrinks would agree.
- They think that's my problem. - What ?
Oh, that I purposely distort my perceptions...
- to make my reality more palatable. - [ Nose Whistling ]
Oh, likeyou only hear whatyou wanna hear ?
Thanks. I like to keep it short, especially in the summer.
How come I couldn't have ended up with an easygoing guy likeyou, Charlie, huh?
It's likeyou don't give a damn, you know ?
And your skin's so natural. You just let it hang out, blemishes and all.
You're not afraid of your flaws. You have squinty eyes,
and your face is all pursed up like you just sucked on a lemon,
but you pull it off.
[Train Whistle Blowing]
You thinking what I'm thinking ?
[Irene] Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
- [ Cracking ] - [ Groaning ] Come on.
- But I don't know ifl can ! - Yes, you can !
Humans only use ten percent of their potential.
You gotta reach down for that little extra something.
- [ Panting, Nose Whistling ] - [ Panting ]
There you go ! Now you're gettin' it !
I believe in you !
Don't you give up on me now!
It's easier than I thought ! Come on !
Go, Charlie, go !
You can do it ! Come on, Charlie !
Use more of your potential!
[ Grunting ]
Come on, Charlie ! Go!
- Come on,jump off !Jump off ! - What ?
What ?
Jump off the train !
Oh.
[ Screams ]
- [ Nose Whistling ] - Ow.
Irene ?
- [Gasping] - Come on, stop foolin' around.
[ Sighing, Panting ] I started thinking about it. Bad idea.
Trains are the first place they'll look.
Oh, come on.
Hey, we checked all the major gas and food stops along the interstate.
- No sign of him. - [ Scoffs ] The interstate ?
Let me ask you something, man. Is your old lady happy ?
My "old lady" ?
Yeah, man, because if your fucking is anything like your police work,
you couldn't hit the G-spot on a 12-pound pussy.
- [Laughing] - Watch yourself.
- What areyou getting at ? - Look, man.
A: Daddy ain't gonna take no road...
wherey'all blind-ass, Helly Kelly cops is looking.
And B: Motherfucker, he don't eat fast food.
[Irene]Okay, l have three dollars and a nickel.
- How much do you have ? - Uh, six bucks.
-Just let me go up and order so we can get out ofhere. - Okay.
I'll have the chicken breast sandwich, no skin, dryu toast.
[Slurping]
You make me dizzy running circles in my head
One of these days
I'll chase you down
Look who's goin' crazy
Now we're face to face my friend
Better get out better get out
What areyou staring at, fucker ?
[Continues, lndistinct]
You want to start me up ?Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal.
I'm due for a seismic event, and you're dancing on the fault line.
Hey, what is your problem, pal ?
I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.
- Hey, stop it! - He started it.
I'm so sorry. I have to apologize for him.
- He suffers from this thing-- - I'm right here, four-eyes. Let's go.
Oh, poor baby. He has to let his daddy fight his battles for him.
- [ Clucking ] - He's an ass.
[Continues Clucking]
Pussy.
How's it hangin', fellas ?
Hank, I presume ?
- Did you miss me ? - Why don't you just send Charlie back out here ?
-Things were finally becoming civilized. -Listen, Pocahontas,
unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo coming.
Look, I don't know what that means, okay ?
It means either he's gotta make up a battle plan,
or old Hank's gonna have to take over Fort Charlie for good.
Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person ?
- Holy Jesus in heaven ! It's a giant Q-Tip. - Hank.
What ? I'm joking with the guy.
Bringing a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.
Do-Do you need to see a menu ?
No, thank you. We've ordered.
- That's it. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Hold on there, cheese tits. Did I miss something ? - Don't give me that shit !
What you just did to that kid was terrible.
Didn't you see the look on his face ?
Looked a little pale, that's all.
He was hurt and offended.
Well, I disagree. But why speculate ?
- Hey, milky, vamonos. - Hey, no ! No, no, no.
- Hank, no. - Come on, BrerRabbit. Hop down thebunny trail.
Come on. Epa, epa, andale.
Listen, uh,
were you offended in any way by our social interaction here ?
Y-Yeah. Actually, I was.
What was it, the Q-Tip thing ?
Actually, I was pretty much offended by everything that you said, sir.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
[Door Closes]
[Folk]
You okay ?
You don't know what it's like,
spendin' all those years trapped behind a wall of politeness--
bound and gagged.
A dark and silent world where nothing grows but the anger.
All because some doll-faced demon he married...
I aced up her boots and did a Nancy Sinatra on him.
Charlie had a wife ?
[ Scoffs ] And then some.
I was a big piece of the personality pie back then.
But when she left him, Charlie went numb...
and I went AWOL.
Well,
if you were such a big part of the personality,
then she left you too.
[ Sobbing ] It's true.
[ Sniffling, Wheezing ]
She left us.
- I loved her. - Oh.
[ Sniffl ing, Wheezing ] Why did she do this ?
I'm not a bad person.
No, no. You're not a bad guy.
No, you're not.
Do you hear me, huh ?
[ Sniffling, Wheezing ]
You're a good person.
You really think so ?
Yeah, I'm starting to.
- You know what I'm gonna do ? - Hmm ?
I'm gonna make it up to Charlie.
And I'm gonna make it up to that sweet little circus geek in there.
Um--
Um, Hank ? Hank.
Agent Boshane. Just got lucky.
They were spotted leaving a health food restaurant 100 miles southeast of here.
- Fifteen minutes, tops. - Got it, got it.
They got 150 cordoned off ?
Let's fly.
I hear you are singing a song of the past
I see no tears
- [ Coughing ] -[Continues, lndistinct]
Can you please tell him to stop this ?
Charlie, is that you ?
Hey, my nose.
My nose is fixed.
- [ Chuckling ] - Well.
Isn't that great ?
How did that happen ?
Well, um,
Hankwanted to do something nice foryou...
so he insisted that we, well,
[ Mumbling ] go to a plastic surgeon.
What did you say ? Plastic sur--
- Did you say plastic surgeon ? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God. Wh-What-- Ow ! What is this ?
What is this ? What did-- Wh-- Was--
Uh, what is this ?
Hank thought thatyou kind of had a weak chin, so--
What ?
I like my chin. I-l-l have a--
I like my chin.
It's my chin ! It's my chin ! Mine! How did you pay for it ?
- I loaned him the money. - [ Yells ]
Who the hell areyou ?
It's me, Milky.
Who the hell is Milky, and what is he doing here ?
Uh, lrene has a lot of people...
who would like to see her in an unmarked grave.
And I don't think it's safe for you to be hanging around with this.
Why not ? You, lrene and Hank are my only friends.
But what about your family ? Aren't they gonna missyou ?
My family's all--
[ Sighs ] They're gone.
Oh, geez.
If we're taking you with us, we can't be calling you " Milky."
- What's your real name ? - Casper, but my friends call me "Whitey."
Okay.
I can't find the time to tell you
Whoa.
Som any things to say
I could fit them in a book
Of a thousand pages
[Continues, lndistinct]
Here you go, Mr. Murphy. I got your car all filled up.
Thank you, Joseph.
- [ Trickling ] - Oh, yeah. [ Exhales ]
Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch !
What are you doing to my car?
I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna get you!
I can't find the time to tell you
I look at your pretty face
And l fall in love with you
Every time l see you
[Continues, lndistinct]
What's that on your shirt ? Whoa.
I'm sorry.
That was good.
Charlie, what the hell is that ?
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna fall for that.
- No, Ch-Charlie. - Uh-uh, not me.
- No-- - Nice try, though.
How dumb do I look ?
[ Grunting ]
Hey, they only had two rooms, 19 and 20.
So you guys will have to bunk up.
So, Whitey.
What happened to your family ?
I killed them.
Uh-Uh, come again ?
When I was 15, I hacked them up with a hammer while they were sleeping--
Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.
She was awake, my sis,
which I regret.
Yeah, well.
We all have family stuff.
That's what makes the holidays so hard.
I just got released last month on my 21st birthday.
To tell you the truth, I really wasn't ready to leave,
but they said I had to.
That's a fucked-up law, huh ?
Well, I guess they need the extra room...
for the real psychos.
I'm gonna go next door and tryu to make out with what's her face.
- Go for it. - All right.
- What ? - Yeah.
He just told me that he brutally murdered...
his entire family in their sleep.
- Oh, my God. - He was a juvenile. They just let him out.
So, I was gonna ask you...
if l could stay here,
but l can sleep in the car.
That's me and my whipper snappers.
- I'm Dorothy. - [ Laughing ]
Look at you.
When did you take this, at Halloween ?
No,just messing around the house.
You seem like a really good dad, Charlie.
I tryu to be.
They're incredible kids. Oh, God.
So happy and funny.
They never give me any grief.
They're the top three students in their class, out of21 1 .
- Golly. - I don't know where they get it from.
Well, that's just good genes.
Youknow, l don't think l--
No, I don't think I carryu even one picture anymore.
- Why not ? - Idon'tknow.
I used to, you know, when I was younger.
Pictures of friends and stuff like that.
I guess they just got old and fell apart.
Kind of like the friend ships.
That's too bad.
[Chuckling] Look at you.
I'll tell you what. Why don'tyou keep that one ?
- No, Charlie, that's yours. - Areyou kidding ?
- I have tons of them at home. - No.
- No, I got a bunch. Come on. - You do ?
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
You-- Thanks.
I'm dry.
You know, I'm gonna go get a soda.
- Do you want a soda ? - Sure. Okay.
- Okay ? - Okay.
- [Banging] - [ Scoffs ]
[Laughing]
I caught that, bozo. Not once, but twice it burned you.
[Laughing]
Give it another kick. I don't think you're gonna get it this time.
- I think I just had an epiphany. - What ?
That I might be able to control this little problem ofmine.
Oh, how did you learn that ?
Well, first the Coke machine robbedme, right ?
And I'm fine with that. But then, some guy came up and laughed in my face.
- Oh, no. - No, no. But that's just it, see ?
Just when I was starting to feel those old familiar feelings,
I just took a deep breath, counted backwards from ten and I said to the guy,
" Excuse me, sir, but your laughter is not helping me right now."
And he said, "l'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun."
And that was it. I helped him with his luggage.
- Really ? Well, that's great. - Yes.
- [ Sighs ] - And you got the Cokes.
Hey. Just a little rap on the side ofthe machine and presto.
Maybe that's it though, you know ?
Look what I found in my bag.
Oh, no. Oh, boy.
What do you think ? Doyou ?
Well, under the right circumstances, sure, I could tip a few. Okay.
- And these are the right circumstances. - Okay.
- All right. - Here we go.
- Celebrate good times, come on - Oh, well.
Oh, that must be mine.
[ Groaning ]
Ow.
Oh, geez.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God !
Irene.
Hmm ?
Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex ?
[Narrator] Well, seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.
And if that wasn't bad enough,
there was more trouble right around the corner.
I want everybody to stay put and wait for my orders.
You mean to tell me you couldn't tell the difference between us ?
Are you serious ?
Who the hell could ?
A sober person, for one.
So we had some drinks.
Well, look who joined the party.
Did you have fun ?
Oh, yes I did ! Oh, yes I did !
So I guess old Hanky-panky wasn't enough for you, huh ?
It wasn't for me.
[ Sobbing ]
- Now, you're sure this is the woman ? - Absolutely.
When my boyfriend Scooter brought in the morning paper,
I recognized her right away.
Thanks a lot. Scooter.
Hey, look, Starsky and Hutch. Look, man, how about this, man ? This is the plan, look.
Why don'tyou let us talk to our dad so this ain't gotta be no big thing, man ?
Thanks, fellas, but this is the end of the line foryou.
Now, offiicer Stubie's gonna drive you back to the chopper.
What ? You brung us all the way down here for us to leave now ?
Man, yeah. That don't make no motherfuckin' sense.
Well, you guys have done all you can do.
This is strictly a police matter from here on in.
Wait. It maybe a police matter to you,
but the police don't matter shit to me when it's my daddy in there.
I said you're getting the hell out ofhere.
That's the end of it.
Guys, look, I'm sorry.
I hate to admit it, but this time he's right.
You can't be here. It's a liability thing.
- Hey, man, he's the motherfuckin' liability. - Don't worryaboutit.
This is my investigation. I promiseyou there will be no bloodshed.
I promise.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
[WaterRunning]
You okay, Charlie ?
Uh, yeah. I'm just, uh,
freshening up.
How do you want to handle it ?
I say we storm the place and start shooting.
But what if he's unarmed ?
Plant a gun on him afterwards.
Don't fuck it up this time.
Agent Boshane.
It's Stubie. He's got Baileygates and the girl.
What ?
This is Boshane. What's going on ?
I caught them out on 1 34 in a stolen vehicle.
Baileygates and the girl. I got them.
Officer Stubie, I don't wantyou to attempt to move them alone, you hear me ?
Don't move them. We'll be right there.
In your car, come on.
We sure is sorryu about this, Offiicer.
But our daddy always told us to trust our instinct,
and our instinct is tellin' us something don't smell right.
- Come on, let's roll. - You guys are making a big mistake.
'Cause I promise you, when I find your old man,
I'm personally gonna fuck him up.
Now, why did you go and say something like that for, huh ?
Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg ?
- 4.08 centimeters. - No, no. What's that in inches ?
1 .61 , man. What the fuck you gettin' at, man ?
I got ten bucks say I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breakin'.
Man, youcan't put no chicken egg up his ass. Look at him. He's a tight-ass.
- No, it can be done. Right on. - Yo, I'll take that bet.
Pull your ass out.
[ Tires Squealing ]
I'll tell you one thing. Ifl didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
What are we gonna do about Whitey ?
Take a guess. We're going on without him.
Moody.
Yeah, well, I didn't have the fun you had last night.
I just got the hangover and the swollen prostate.
Doyou have any cash left from when we checked in ?
- Yes, 60 bucks, but it's Whitey's. - Yeah, well.
Bad things happen to people who kill their familywith a hammer.
I'm payin' but it's under protest.
- Come on. It was close enough. - Yeah, whatever.
- Shit. - Hey, give me the police scanner, man,
- so we can find out what the fuck's going on. - All right.
- Well, motherfucker, you speak German, don'tyou ? - Motherfucker, I can speak it.
-I didn't say I could read the shit all that good. -You's a motherfuckin' disgrace.
[ Speaking German ]
- Then get this motherfucker off the ground ! - All right, all right, all right.
[ Together] Whoa, shit !
[Sirens Approaching]
Oh !
- Oh. - [ Clucking ]
[ Shouting ] Oh,Jesus !
Would somebody get this goddamn chicken out of my ass, please ?
[ Groaning ]
Stay back. We'll do it alone.
I'll take 19, you take 20.
Stay back !
Some turn out a hundred grand
-[Continues, lndistinct] - Goddamn it !
Sons of bitches. I'll show 'em. Sons of bitches.
I need a gun and lots of ammo.
Whoa, sorry. 72-hour wait, federal law.
How far am I from Rhode lsland ?
Four or five hours.
I got a map of New England if you want it, $1 .95.
- Here's a five. Keep the change. - Thanks.
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello. - Finneran, it's Charlie.
Charlie, you are in deep shit. Where the hell areyou ?
Listen, you gotta get a message to the colonel for me.
But no one outside the department can know about this, all right ?
'Cause this is deep.
4:30, South County Train Station, bring plenty of backup.
You've got it. And don't worry,
nobody outside the department will hear about this.
Watch yourself, buddy, okay ?
[ Beeps ]
4:30, eh ? Thanks for notifying us, Offiicer.
No, you've been a really big help.
- You stay close. - Yes, sir.
- Excuse me. - Huh ?
Where's Dickie ?
He's waiting for us in Boston.
I think it's about time our little rich boy got his hands dirty.
So, tell me.
How was, uh, Mr. Wonderful ?
This is getting really ridiculous, Charlie, so just let it go.
You know, I turn my back for one minute,
and you stick it up my ass, literally.
For your information, you stuck it in your own ass !
Oh, don't turn this around on me, okay ?
You're the one that can't keep your legs closed.
Why are you doing this ?
Because I like you !
What ?
I like you.
Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.
I'm just a ditz.
A ditz ? What are you talking about ?
You're 27 years old. You're the superintendent ofa major golfresort.
Uh, yeah, well, I kind offudged my resume a little bit to get thatjob.
Oh ?
Look, I don't know the first thing about running a golfcourse, Charlie.
I'm a model.
- Huh ? - I moved to New York.
But none ofit worked out, so then I tried to be an actress.
I got this eating disorder where I gained, like, 20 pounds.
That's not that bad.
- In a week. - Oh.
So I kind oflost my self-respect.
Before you know it, I had 70-year-old guys trying to support me,
and I just really didn't like who I was becoming.
God, I've made so many mistakes.
Irene.
You didn't know what Dickie was up to, did you ?
I may be a ditz, but I'm not a crook.
When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said
You've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound
The sway of your hips round rings true
-[Continues, lndistinct] - My ass is really sore.
Echoes deep inside of you
[Continues]
Wow.
I never get tired of hearing that.
Hey.
Oh, hey. I'm looking for my friends.
A pretty little blonde and a tall guy with a buzz cut.
- Cabin " E." - Thanks a lot.
Shh. Don't make a sound.
I don't know anything, and that's exactly what I told the police.
-Iswear. -Shut up, lrene ! Youjust listen to me.
Maybe we can work something out.
Time to face the music, Mozart. And a-one, and a-two, and--
[ Yowling ]
Warden, I want my own cell.
Oh, great, you again.
- What tree did this sap ooze out of? - It's Dickie.
- It's the guy who got me into all this crap ! Yeah. - Oh, your golfbuddy ?
- I hope he doesn't mind ifl play through. - Knock it off, Hank.
- Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine. - Stop it !
Come on, he couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.
- Get away from me ! - Whoa.
He hasn't played the course in a long time, okay ?
It was Charlie who was putting.
- Charlie ? - Yeah, that's right.
He might not be long off the tee, but he's got a pretty good up and down game.
What the hell is that supp-- Can we just speak English for a second here ?
I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank, okay ? You tricked me.
Yeah, that's right. I did trickyou.
It was deceitful. It was disgusting and despicable.
But just this once, try to look at it from my side.
- I was horny. - Oh, God.
You are such an asshole !
Come on. Don't be mad, my little pussy fart.
Now, I warned you about that, buddy.
Warned me about what ?
Charlie ?
Uh-huh.
Providence, Rhode lsland. Ten-minute stop.
- Did you-- - What ?
- What the hell is going on here ? - Hank was coming on to me again.
Hank ? Damn it.
I am so sick of that guy.
Okay, Hank, come on out here.
Let's settle this the old-fashioned way. Come on !
I may not be tough, but, damn it, I can get good and mad !
- Come on! - Stop it, man. You're scaring me.
What's the matter with you ?
Let's get off. Let's get off before he wakes up. Come on.
I'm not through with you, buster. I'm not through with you !
What's the matter, Hank ? Afraid to pick on someone your own size ?
Areyou okay ?
Whathappened?
That was dirty.
All right. Come on. Where are you ?
Here I am.
Oh, you bastard.
[ Grunting ]
Stop it, you're gonna kill him !
[Banging, Grunting Continue]
You're choking me.
Ow, ow, ow, ow. Charlie, don't break it. Don't break it.
Get on your knees and beg me. Upyours. I beg--
[ Cracking ]
On your feet, Opie. We're gonna have some fun.
Irene.
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Wanna see myweasel ?
[ Screaming ]
[ Panting ]
Free hot dogs here. All you can eat.
Getyour foot-long and a bag ofnuts.
No, don't listen to him ! It's not me. It's Hank.
Come back here, Hank. I'm not through with you !
- [ Yelling ] - [ Laughing, Groaning ]
Had enough ? Upyours.
Stop it, you two ! Stop it !
It's Gerke ! Come on !
All right, Hank, truce. For now, fucker.
[Man] Watch out! He's gotagun !
I'll follow the girl. You get Baileygates.
Police officer ! Everybody down !
Get down !
Ow !
Get out of the way.
[ Panting ] Hank, we're shot.
Come on, you pussy. It'sjust a flesh wound. Look.
[ Screaming ]
Look, there's keys in the car.
No, I can't go on.
I think-- [ Groaning ]
I think I'm gonna faint.
[ People Screaming ]
Do you mean to say that I gotta carry your sorry ass ?
All right.
Come on, Rip Van Wussy.
Jesus, you're heavy.
Get in there.
[Folk Rock]
And we're gone.
Oh, shit! Don't worry about him.
Hank, what have you done ?
Oh, my God ! Don't you just love it.
It's a strange condition
A day in prison
- Move it. -It's got me out of my head
And l don't know what l came for
You are a sick pup.
Yeah, well, it takes one to know one. What are you doing ?
- Hank ! [ Grunting ] - [ Honking ]
Ever been bitch-slapped ?
[ Sobbing ] I'm gonna kill you, Hank, I swear to God.
Arrivederci, deadwood. No !
'Cause I want to know
And it's a strange condition
A day in prison
You got me out of my head
And l don't know what l came for
And l want you to know
[ Whistling ]
What the hell areyou still doing here ?
You can't just throw me away, Hank. We're in this together.
Pritchard.
Cover the other end. I want Charlie arrested on sight.
[Punch Lands, Thud]
Hey, lrene. You just keep walking now.
- [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Horn Honking ]
Irene ?
Hold it, Baileygates. You're coming with me.
- Not now, Finneran. - Yes, now !
That was me.
Yeah, big deal. The guy's got a glassjaw. Shut up, Hank !
- You know, you're so-- - Hank!
Hank !
Hey, let her go !
She asked for me, asshole. Big deal.
Dickie, you know I don't know anything.
Shut up, lrene. It's too late.
Hank !
Hank!
- No way. - Come on.
[ Yelling ]
- [ Bridge Creaking ] - Oh, no, water.
Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
No, we're doing this.
[ Grunting ]
Hey.
Hank, what are you doing ? Give me the leg.
- Whoa ! Hank, hurry ! - [Creaking]
This is my body !
Doyou understand that ?
I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank.
I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
If you can back down from something this important,
you're nothing at all.
You're nothing at all !
[ Creaking ]
[ Chuckling ] I got my leg back.
Oh, no. Hank !
I'm coming, lrene.
[ Yells ]
Hank ! No !
It's okay, lrene.
Hank's gone. It's me, Charlie.
Charlie ?
Uh, maybe you should go back and get help.
No, I can handle it.
I'm warning you, pal. You're gonna get hurt.
- [ Creaking ] - Be careful, Charlie.
-Just do what he says, Charlie. - Back off, back off !
-Just turn around. Now ! - Take it easy, Dickie.
- Take it easy. - [ Creaking ]
There's nowhere to go.
Come on, Dickie.
Give me the gun.
Come on. Come on.
That's it. Nice and easy.
[ Screaming ]
Where's my thumb ?
That's kidnapping and assault. You know that, don'tyou ?
- Well, why stop there ? - No !
- [ Grunts ] - Oh, God.
- Whitey ! - Rock 'n' roll !
[ Screaming ]
Irene ?
Irene!
Irene !
- Irene, lrene. - What ? What ? Oh, my God. Ow.
[Helicopter Approaching]
[ Moaning, Gurgling ]
Keep going. Bring it down, bring it down.
- Look at that. - We're coming, Daddy. We're coming, man.
It's my kids !
Come on, Daddy ! Grab ahold of that motherfucker, man !
[Hip-hop]
I always dance with a lady gets me there every time
On the road to recovery, shit, I think we missed the damn sign
[Continues, lndistinct]
So, how's my thumb looking, Doc ?
I'll let you know when I find it.
- Irene, Charlie. - Hey.
- This is Agent Steve Parfitt, F.B.I. Old friend. - Nice to see you.
You must be awfully proud of these maniacs.
Oh, I am.
- Yeah, you know, we're proud of this motherfucker too. - Oh. [ Chuckling ]
- It's good to see you're safe, Dad. I'll tell you that. - Yeah.
[Narrator] The colonel informed them that all the guilty parties...
had been apprehended.
Gerke was arraigned at a Providence hospital,
and Agent Boshane had been arrested at the train station in New London.
But Charlie Baileygates had other things on his mind.
- Charlie, nicely done. - Thanks, Sea Bass.
Hey, Whitey. Listen, I just wanted to tell you...
that I really appreciate everything you did for me.
I owe you a huge one.
And I'm truly sorry that you had to kill again.
It must be really messing with your head.
- I never killed anyone before. - What ?
Look, you were an admitted schizo who was wanted for murder...
and you were laying in bed next to me gabbin' like a 16-year-old girl on the telephone.
You freaked me out, man.
But what about your family ? How did they die ?
I never said they were dead.
I said they were gone. They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.
Look at me. I wouldn't last two minutes out in the desert.
Hey, your bandage is wet.
Oh, yeah ? Well, maybe it's time to come off.
I'm surprised it's held on this long.
Hey, that's not so bad.
Hey, Daddy. We just wanted to say thatyou-- Holy shit.
Look, Daddy got a goddamn butthole on his face.
- All Laughing] - Oh, boy. Here we go.
He sure is a Spartacus-lookin' motherfucker.
Hey, Daddy, man. Look, man.
Now you can blow your nose and wipe your ass at the same damn time.
You know what I'm saying ? Oh, shit.
- So. - So.
How did your meeting with the shrink go ?
Oh, wonderful. A clean bill of health.
- Yeah ? -Just anotherwell-rounded individual.
That's great, Charlie. I'm really happy foryou.
Thank you.
Well, uh,
I hope if you're ever, you know, around here,
you'll, uh, come and visit us.
Yeah. Little Rhodie.
Biggest little state in the union.
Yeah.
- Oh, let me get that foryou. - Thanks.
- Hey, lrene. - Yeah ?
Maybe I could come visit you sometime soon.
Promise ?
You bet.
And that's the word ofa Rhode lsland State Trooper, ma'am.
I found you sitting on a suitcase crying
Beneath my feet
I feel the rumble of a subway train
Yeah l laugh out loud
'Cause it's the one thing l hadn't been trying
The train came in breathless the passengers restless
You said baby, you'll never change
You gotta get gone
You gotta get going
Hey, the world ain't slowing down
- You gotta be kidding. -[Continues, lndistinct]
Hold it right there.
- Miss Waters. - Yes ?
- I'd likeyou to step out ofthe car please. - What did I not do now ?
We have reason to believe this is a stolen vehicle.
What ? No, no.
I rented this car.
Would you step out ofthe car, please ?
Great.
- Front of the car, please. - Mm-hmm.
Hands on the hood.
- Spread your legs. - That's great. Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm. - Thank you. Just following procedure, ma'am.
Oh, you guys. You guys are beautiful.
Look, why don't we just skip the trial ?
Get right to it. You can lock me up and keep me here forever.
That's what I had planned.
Oh, Charlie.
[ All Cheering ]
It sounds like a song it hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid
Who just climbed on the merry-go-round
It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.
I'll tell you one thing. It's gonna be raining my motherfuckin' cookies...
if this motherfucker don't stop this turbulence shit.
-That's what the fuck I'm talking about. -Come on, man.
[Narrator] Well, that's Charlie's story, and l'm sticking to it.
They all moved in together and lived as one big happy family--
Charlie and lrene, the guys,
even that nice albino fella, Whitey.
And l'm happy toreport Charlie got promoted to Lieutenant...
in the greatest law enforcement agency in the land.
the Rhode lsland State Police.
Yeah, it was a regular slice of Americana.
Y'all come back now. Thanks for watchin' our motherfuckin' movie.
You gotta get gone you gotta get going
Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one
-It's a carnival calling out toyou - [ Mooing ]
It's calling out to you
It sounds like a song it hits you like scripture
You paint the picture
With colors squeezed from your hand
Weren't you the kid who just climbed on the merry-go
[Continues]
Okay, everybody. The water temperature is 63 degrees.
Pop's thumb should be all right if we find it within the next six hours.
- You sure about that ? - Do the math, motherfucker.
- Damn. - Geez.
- Hey, I think I found it. - What ?
- False alarm. - Oh, damn, Whitey.